#huge fucking dangerous concert but i can’t meet up with my friends in groups of 1-3 outdoors masked distanced etc. like ok

[pepprs]

also ok . i know i have been irlposting way too much but my parents are going to a concert 2 hrs away tmrrw for a Very Famous Person and it’s outdoors but certain to be crowded and it’s like uhmmmmm. a little ironic and frustrating is all. not to mention i am afraid for my siblings and my lives a little bit and also for my parents lives or whatever. lol

[rochey1010]

PART 2: 👋

Lucas: Ok, so Lucas's arc this season is connected to Eliott who has focus, instead of Eliott being connected to Lucas like always. His arc is a relationship one and he's also there as background in the insulated intimidating crew contrasted with the isolated lonely outsider in Lola.

So in S5 Lucas moves in with Eliott and we see them in love and domestic. Lucas has independence and has matured. The show really builds his connection with the group too. He is around a lot and basically boy solidarity to support Arthur's story. 🤘Lots of boy group instas fill Lucas's account. Friendship is just a huge theme this season. Lucas also was part of the girl group and had a special connection with manon in S3, Imane in S4 and was more loyal to the boy group in S5 (more on that later) in S6 he is seen having a special connnection with Daphne.

Lucas makes mistakes in this season 5 which i feel is genuinely consistent with who Lucas is. We saw Lucas in S3. And it was his story and a huge part of this story was his epic love with Eliott so he was loving, soft, vulnerable, hurt, angry over his identity. But generally it was exposed Lucas. In S5 we are in Arthur's narrative. Arthur hasn't been there for Lucas crying, spilling his heart, cuddling and loving Eliott. All the things that would make you see just how soft a person can be. In the boy group is how Arthur sees Lucas. That is stupid, silly, chaotic and affectionate. But they're boys so they're moody and annoying and prank each other and can act like assholes. All things we see. Also Arthur's Jerome is Bas and not Lucas.

Lucas is being set up for S6, so we see the slow creeping abandonment issues come back. We see him saying ignorant and prejudiced things. Again all consistent with the character and his behaviour. Things happen with how Lucas treats people and situations that crop up again in S6, and Lucas shows his moral line too. So first the prejudiced things. This time he acts inconsiderate and ableist to Arthur on Valentines. and Arthur tears him a new one. Lucas looks guilty but also strained (something is going on which comes up big time in S6- home issues) he lashed out and was a hedgehog (prickly and reactive)

He apologises some time later after he calms and thinks about it. We repeat this behaviour in S6 and Lucas dismissing Lola's problems, and Eliott calling him out for his judgement. He's prickly and reactive and then clearly calms down later. All consistent with wanting to protect yourself and your environment. Hedgehogs show their quills to the unknown. Lucas all over. 🦔

Lucas in his new home opens it up to the group. They sleep there, don't leave, have meetings, scream and play video games and Lucas joins in. It's a chaotic loud mess basically. This crops up in S6 when Eliott has a new friend Lola who needs a place to stay after a horrible ordeal and Lucas acts hypocritical and says to Eliott "This is not a hotel" and yeah she slept in their bed because Eliott is decent and respectful and gave her the bed, just like maya did too, because she needed it more. And yes i can see that Lucas felt blindslided but as i said before, the moral line with lucas. It is a pattern with him. If you are close and known it's a free for all. If you are unknown and an intruder have some quills. And i genuinely feel if Eliott copied Lucas and brought home loud friends who wouldn't leave. Lucas would not have that at all = Insider v outsider.

Lucas hides stuff from Arthur because he and the gang don't know how to approach Arthur and be honest with him. They love him but the HOH is a new world for them too, so they mess up a lot. They lie and attend a concert that Arthur sees them at. He calls them out in detention. But generally the mistakes are well meaning. They don't want to hurt his feelings. But they set Lucas up as someone who hides things to try to protect those he cares about. Sound familiar?

The big one the fanbase rioted about: Lucas's advice to Arthur about Alexia. Like i still feel this is consistent with Lucas and again the moral line. The 2 groups have merged but they clearly show the boy group is more tightly knit. So now it becomes about group v group. Arthur is a great friend of Lucas's and Alexia is a friend. Like Lucas isn't close with Alexia. So it becomes about Loyalty. He's already failed Arthur so when he gives the advice to keep the kiss from Alexia i feel it stems from him not wanting Arthur's world to implode and knowing the drama of Alexia finding out could bring to it. Like Arthur even says it to the girls. Don't punish the boys, they were just trying to protect Arthur. So i don't feel that Lucas was OOC because he's generally a dumbass in a group of guys chatting in that dynamic, and doesn't want his friend hurt. His moral line is Arthur is more important. I'm not in agreement with fans saying you learn from your mistakes and that's it. It's not though, your own issues can affect your mistakes, your environment can affect your mistakes, your feelings can even affect your mistakes. Like different circumstances can change how you view something e.g. eliott and his problems v lola and hers.

Finally the biggest development with Lucas, and that is the ongoing abandonment issues. So basically how Lucas's abandonment issues work is again very consistent. They stem in the show from S2 but overall it's a life thing. So Lucas's mum is mentally ill and has raised Lucas in that environment. That's trauma, and especially from a young age. The father and the mother obviously have an unhappy marriage. And enventually it breaks down and the mother is in a clinic and the father leaves the family. Lucas is abandoned and feels it too. He runs off to live elsewhere and in S3 he's with Mika and Lisa.

His father is dismissive and his mother very unwell. I don't know but i think the mother is schizophrenic. I'm unsure on that though. But Lucas has issues. But what he starts to do and how they manifest is that he projects them on to his environment, and if he feels a danger of someone leaving he twists it to him being unlovable and people getting sick of him. Now some of the things he does, he creates some of these issues for himself e.g. Mika and Eliott, and some are out of his hands e.g. Yann. But overall he's generally wrong and get's the wrong idea because of the reflection of how he sees himself.

So Yann leaving becomes about Lucas not being worth it instead of Yann leaving because he's hurt that several times over the season to that point, Yann cornered lucas and begged him to confide in him, and Lucas wouldn't. So lucas gets the wrong idea and Yann handles it badly.

So Eliott ending the relationship and going back to his girlfriend is about him being a party/fuck boi and using Lucas, instead of Eliott leaving because lucas broke his heart and inadvertently revealed his skam to him.

So Lucas through the abandonment issues ends up twisting perception and judging people. Like i said before. No favourites here. Lucas had a lot of trauma so i understand what he carries. Roll on S4 and they're back and Eliott isn't ready to tell his story because it was so painful that he never told Idriss he was bipolar and cut the friendship in shame and ran away. "He was alone for a long time i think" and Lucas pushing out of insecurity and fear and they end up fighting. And yes i believe like Imane said it's Eliott's story to tell and he'll tell it on his terms. So i don't agree with what Lucas did there. But abandonment issues are irrational, so i get it. (Roll on S6 with it being Lola's story to tell)

Roll on S5 and there's a talk about cheating and perception. They're in a group and chatting at the van about cheating. And you notice each boy gives their version of their story. So Yann cheated but justifies it as he fell in love with Emma. Eliott is more realistic and calls it like it is. He cheated on Lucille and he's not proud of it but he found Lucas. (And roll on S6 and the mental illness talk with Lola focusing on the need for lucas to the point he hinges his mental health on it.) So pretty consistent with "but i got to be with Lucas" Bas is niave i feel, and gives a very black and white view of the topic. Just end it and move on.

But i've always had this view myself. I have experience with cheating. My dad cheated on my mum and yet i still feel this view. That sometimes it's not that simple. It's not that black and white, and in Eliott's case burying your mental illness in the relationship to the point you're afraid to leave. And in my dad's case. Being in a failing marriage with a mentally ill wife that you still love, children and a mortgage. I'll always maintain that cheating is wrong but i have sympathy and understanding in certain cases.

So anyway, Eliott in answer to Bas's POV does the Eliott thing. He comes at the topic in a empathetic and non judgemental way. He says generally sometimes human want more and are not satisfied so seek it. Now Lucas does the same thing again, twists the perception and projects his insecurities onto Eliott. Eliott who is petting Lucas's hair isn't even thinking of the relationship. It has nothing to do with Lucas at all. It's basically philosophical thinking in that hipster way. That humans are greedy and they want everything e.g house, car, money, job etc. And he's right. Humans have done horrible things to each other in the pursuit of what they want.

But it eats at Lucas because his abandonment issues are more than just a relationship. They are deeply rooted and a huge issue. In reality he should be seeking help. It has to get to the point where you can't blame others and you need to accept that they're bigger than you. And he confides in Arthur instead of Eliott out of fear (roll on S6 Eliott doing the same thing with Lola) this is the establishment of the love bubble and they're both doing it as we can see. So lucas tells arthur that eliott cheated on Lucille and he could do it to him.

My issue with that was, Lucas cheated too but he justifies with him being gay. But the simple fact is he played Chloe and he pursued Eliott behind her back. And when Eliott hurt or disappointed him he played her even harder. So i do find this hypocritical i must say. Then he acts panphobic, but the thing is lucas isn't panphobic. His abandonment issues project and he feels fear but it's really about Eliott leaving him. So he says Eliott goes down the street and he has more choice e.g. Both boys and girls. Add aliens and robots etc. Eliott is pansexual. So he's showing he's scared that eliott will get sick of him and eventually leave (roll on S6 and Eliott having a friendship with a girl, and Lucas scared to be real, and what is about to happen with the spoiler movie)

He very clearly says he hasn't confided these fears in Eliott for fear it may rock the relationship. Oh hi love bubble again. Arthur emphasises Eliott's love for Lucas and how greater it is than his love for Lucille. (Roll on S6 and Eliott emphasising the importance of Lucas and his need for him)

The last we see of Lucas is him crying looking at the friendship mural and Eliott in love and gratitude.

So guys i said this would be 2 parts but i think it'll be 4 because again length here. And i wanted to do Eliott in this post but it's too long now. Next part will be Eliott.

[headoverhiddles]

Spookshow Baby - Rob Zombie x Reader [Smut]

Synopsis: By good luck or connections, you find yourself backstage at a Zombie show, and Rob can’t take his eyes off you. 

Requested by @plagued-rat​!  “Rob and a younger fan meeting at a show and sleeping together or something along those lines.”  Hope you like it, hun :)

Notes: The personalities depicted are fictional-- I don’t know them, even though I wish I did. 

Is it really that hard to get a beer in this place?

You try to navigate your way through the crowd of people getting their seconds and thirds at the bar when you haven't even had one. You finally get up to the bar, and order your drink. You get a bit of a look from the bartender-- you can't tell if he's judging you, or in awe of you, and honestly? You're okay with either. You'd worn a pretty striking outfit tonight, your favorite that you'd had in the closet lying around for something like this.

It had been an event you'd been looking forward to for months. Your friend Ash has a band, a sort of side project from her main group, called The Haxans. She'd promised you'd be the first to get tickets when they had their first show, and five years later, here you are. Maybe if you had told the bartender you knew the singer, you could've at least gotten your beer faster.

Not only are you excited to support your friend, but her fellow band mate and guitarist, Matt Montgomery, is the current bassist of your favourite rock band. Rob Zombie had been a huge part of your life, since Hellbilly all the way up til now with Celebration Dispenser and the new album coming out sometime this year. You'd never been able to make it to a concert of his yet, as he hadn't played anywhere near you, but you had made no secret of your strong feelings for the front man.

 ---

You hang back near the tech at the Viper Room, and look around as the band starts their set. This place was said to be a hotspot for ghosts.

"Sweet venue, huh?" a voice behind you asks. You turn, and see a guy in a big straw hat. You feel like the voice is familiar, but you can't really tell with the loud noise.

"Yeah. It's haunted, you know."

The guy laughs. "No kidding." He glances up at the band performing. "That's... kinda fitting."

"Right?" you smile. "Somebody's apparently buried in the basement."

"Jesus. Guess that's why Johnny Depp sold it."

“Or maybe he did it," you laugh, sipping your drink.

"That’s sure a theory. So, what brings you here?" the guy goes on. You're used to the line that guys use on you to flirt, but this guy's still keeping his distance. It's interesting.

"I like their music," you say, "And I'm supporting my friend, Ash."

"Ah, cool. I'm here supporting the other guy, Piggy D. I dig their sound, he's got a great fucking gig here."

"Yeah, totally. Along with working for Rob? Super rad."

"Hm. Yeah." The guy gives a little smile, which you don't see. "See you around, maybe." 

"Yeah!" you smile, and when you turn back, the guy's gone. You wish you could place that voice.

 ---

After the show, you head up to the stage to congratulate your friend. "You were awesome!" you say, giving Ash a hug. She kisses your cheek.

"Yeah?"

"For sure.You guys were both amazing." Piggy D comes over, lifting his guitar strap over his head.

"Hey. Who's this?"

"This is my friend who I said would be coming, (y/n)?"

"Oh yeah." Matt gives a lopsided grin, shaking your hand. "Great to finally meet you. How'd we do?"

"You were great," you assure him. Ash nudges him.

"She's a big fan of Zombie."

Matt's black shadowed eyes light up. "Yeah? Here, I'll send you a pass to come say hi to us backstage. We're playing the area in a couple weeks!"

"Oh god," you blush, "That'd be awesome. Thank you so much."

"No problem." He gives you another smile, then sets his guitar down. "Gotta dash." His eyes ascend over you and Ash. "John, Rita! Thanks for coming!"

Ash pulls you to the side. "Oh my god. You're gonna get to meet him."

"I know." You fan yourself.

"He's really chill, don't worry. He'll love you."

"You think so?"

"Look at you! You're hot as fuck girl, I'd sleep with you if I wasn't taken. He'll go crazy for you."

“Ah. I’m too young for him...” 

“You could use a daddy. He’s daddy material. Spookshow daddy for a spookshow baby.” 

You smile, and ignore the unlikelihood of that happening. Still-- you've never been so excited.

 ---

The next Friday night, you find yourself enjoying tickets to the Zombie mosh pit in your home town, backstage pass tucked safely in your back pocket. You're currently waiting for Rob to come out on stage, and are watching the opening band, Palaye Royale.

After the last song of the opener's set, the stage lights begin going crazy, and you hear Rob begin to shout out the beginning of Dead City Radio.

The show is amazing, as you knew it would be. You've never actually heard him talk before, only sing, and when he speaks to the crowd between songs, you can't help but notice how attractive his voice is too. During Get High, Matt notices you, points to you with his pick, and winks.

As everyone cheers after the encore of Dragula and gives the band a good send-off, you slip backstage, coming up to the guards. You show your pass shakily, and they let you through.

"Hey!" Matt calls, and you turn down a long hallway to see the boys coming offstage.

"Best show I've ever seen, hands down," you say, "Other than the Haxans, of course."

Matt laughs, and fist bumps you. Ginger and John walk past you, shooting you friendly smiles. For a metal band, these are a bunch of really good guys. Then Rob comes out, dragging a towel over his face and dreads.

"Fucking high energy crowd!" he exclaims, punching the air as he comes over to you and Matt. "Great night."

"Crowd was on fire. Hey man, this is (y/n)." Matt introduces you.

Rob looks at you for a second, and tilts his head. "Oh yeah. You're the girl I met at the Haxans show, huh?"

You go to say yes, then start to realize how he knows. "You're the guy I talked to!"

"That would be me." He nods, then remembers how much he enjoyed talking to you. It’d be dangerous to see where this went, so after that stunted exchange, he goes to leave. You think of something to turn him around.

"Is that a Creepshow patch?" you ask, finally close enough to his patch jacket to decipher each one. He stops, and looks back.

"Hell yeah. You like Creepshow?"

"Love it!"

"Best one?"

"The Crate."

"Oh, fucking right!" He nods, "I like that crazy hitchhiker one too from the second one..."

"Thanks for the ride lady!" you quote, and he gives a loud belly laugh.

"Damn. You're pretty cool." He rubs his makeup with the towel. "I'm, uh... chilling a bit later tonight at a little after party. Sorry to be a big fuckin' drag, but I'm not one for lots of drinking or anything like Danzig or Manson are. I'll probably bore you to death."

"Then we can be a couple dead people together," you smile, and he smirks down at you.

"Sounds like a plan." He bites his lip, and gives you a once over again. "Follow me."

 ---

When you get to the party, it's pretty much like he said. He immediately wanders off around the outskirts of the crowd, stopping only to shake a few hands and greet a few people. It's a cool venue-- better than any you'd been to. It's dark, black-lit and monster-themed, with all kinds of pop art and horror memorabilia around the place. It's fitting for the band, and the people who hang out with them.

"Hey, man. Who's the lady?" John whispers in his ear. "Saw her backstage."

"Someone I met the other day. Piggy brought her back."

"She's pretty, huh?"

Rob shrugs, trying as usual to appear noncommittal when in fact he was feeling very committal. "I like her. Figured she may be some fun. Could definitely save me from this party." John shakes his head with a smile, going back over to Rita.

You try and crane your neck to see where Rob went, and are startled by a voice behind you. "Hey, you're the girl from the show, right?" You turn to see that it's Rob's drummer, Ginger.

"Yeah," you smile, "Ginger, right?" He shakes your hand heartily, nearly bruising your fingers with a drummer's grip.

"You can call me Kenny! Hey uh, long shot, do you happen to have a shower curtain anywhere accessible?" You frown, and are about to say no, but Ginger's already sensed your answer by your look of alarm. "No worries, I know who to call for one." He gets out his phone, and starts texting his old boss.

There's Rob. He's hiding in the corner like Dracula, away from the bright lights and people. You walk towards him through the crowd, toward where he's taken a seat on a red couch shaped like psychedelic lips. Rob watches you walk over to him, furrowing his brow. You look fucking good. His breath gets heavier as blood rushes down south. He hasn't wanted a girl this bad in years... much less a fan. Play it cool. She’s young enough to be your daughter, or some shit. 

"Dumb party, huh?" he mutters, burying his feelings down deep. You smirk, sitting down beside him and crossing your legs.

"Seems like you really don't wanna be here."

"Well, it's all about the show, you know? What happens afterward is all bullshit, catering to TMZ who peddles articles about stupid shit like drugs and trashing hotel rooms to 15 year olds who read their articles and think that's what being a rock star is all about." You blink. He's not wrong.  "But it's uh... it's a lot better with you here." Come on, Zombie. At least try not to be a black hole of negativity for once?

"Don't worry. I'm not really one for parties either. I mean, they're fun sometimes. But sometimes you just wanna be by yourself, you know?"

"Exactly!"

"Or... with someone you'd have a lot more fun with." He glances up. "Wanna get out of here?" you ask, eyes conveying your intentions. 

"Let's do it." As you walk toward the exit though, Rob pulls you down a hallway, then out the back door to the alley behind the club.

"You pulling a Lugosi on me, Zombie?" you joke. He smirks.

"You want me to?"

"Are you a vampire?"

He runs a hand through his dreads. "I'm more of a werewolf."

"It's a full moon," you tease, pulling him closer to you. He walks you back against the graffiti'd brick wall, and you part your legs to make room for him.

"You sure you wanna do this?" he murmurs, eyes already falling down to your lips behind his sunglasses. By way of reply, you take his sunglasses off, reach around to stuff them in his back pocket, and bring your lips to his. 

Fuck it. His eyes close, and he reaches up to support you properly, urging your to wrap your legs around him as he holds you up. You moan as his ratty jeans provide the perfect grind for you, grazing your inner thighs and grazing where you need him most. His fingers dig into your ass as you reach forward and unzip those jeans, taking out the chunky belt with Svengoolie's face on the buckle. 

His head tilts back as you take him in your hand, and fuck, he has to be inside you. You sink your face into his shoulder as he pushes in, and his face twists up. The way he's glaring at you in pure concentration is driving you wild, and the intense eye contact is turning him on too. He bares his teeth, gnashing as he fucks in again rough, making you gasp.

"Ro-ob..." you manage out.

"Whatdya need?"

"That's... ohmygod,that's so good, fuck, that's so good, faster--"

He gets even more rough, almost animalistic as he drops the cool guy act and just goes ape on your body. One of his hands shoves up your top, unhooking your bra with the precision of a master, and dips down to roll the tips of your nipples with his tongue. You cry out, neither of you caring who can hear you. It's as if he's become the demon he performs as, and it's fucking hot.

"Feelin' good, babe?" he growls.

"So good," you sigh, working down on him. He holds you up with one flexing arm as he keeps your wrists pinned with the other, dipping his head down a little again to leave hickies along the juncture of your neck. "I'm close--"

"Come on, baby, come on," he snarls, "Yeah..." You gasp out his name as his heavy thrusts rock you against the wall, tipping you off the edge and ripping you apart.

He watches you cum with the intense gaze of a hellish predator, and pounds you even harder until you're done. When he's sure you're satisfied, he lets you down, and cums against the wall, bracing himself against it with one hand.

You run a hand through your hair, and lean back. "Christ. There are so many puns I could make right now."

"I like puns," he pants, slipping his sunglasses back on, and with them, into his awkward, chilled out self.

"You fuck like a Superbeast." There's silence as you hold in your giggles, and he stares at you, completely deadpan.

"I fuckin’ regret all of this." You let the giggles burst free, and he takes you under his arm, leading you toward the street. "Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"My torture chamber, for special fans like you."

"I'm not surprised."

"Then maybe, after the torture, we can throw on a movie. Maybe..."

"You got Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine?"

"...Okay, maybe I don't regret this."

He calls his driver, and excitement fills you at the prospect of seeing what his house looks like. Probably as eclectic as the man himself. As the two of you get in, you open your phone to see a text from Ash.

So?????? watchu up to sex kitty

You grin to yourself as you type out a response that's sure to make your friend screech.

Is it necrophilia if I fucked a Zombie...? ;) 

[ell-bent]

It’s Complicated

Back in the spring of 2016, my friend tried to kill himself.

All the details I received at the time were secondhand, things I didn’t really understand until they were retold and retold again later. He wasn’t my “friend” per say at the time, rather a friend of a friend with whom I shared some experiences. We’d known each other for a solid year and a half, but never really hung out; more just existed in the same spaces while other people were hanging out with each other, which usually involved smoking weed. Which was fine.

               Anyway, this kid was super fucked up. As the extreme, literally life threatening drama poured into my phone via a variety of messages, I felt for this kid I hardly knew but still cared about. Does he need help? I thought to myself. Is there anything I can even do?

               No, I assumed. Plus my mom was in town and staying at my apartment so I couldn’t just invite this relatively strange and definitely fairly fucked up person over to sleep on my couch.

               Essentially what happened over the next couple days was a domestic shit show involving the destruction of friendships, relationships, and a band. The details are sensitive in nature and to this day I’m not sure if I can accurately construct a complete narrative, so I’ll spare you.

               Basically no one was friends anymore, everyone was sad, and some people were in danger. Nothing ended well and everything was awful. Another reminder: I was a step removed from this situation, watching it like a doomed train I couldn’t avoid.

               Fast forward a month and a half or so. I make the snap decision (very snap, I am not great at making responsible, well thought out decisions, ) to run down to Baltimore to see the last show of my favorite band’s tour—a band I knew would Jon (the kid I’ve been talking about) would probably also like.  I sent him a text and asked him to come, and he actually said yes,  which came as a genuine surpirse. I was and still am used to solo adventures, and even though I love them companionship is also nice, especially at a concert.

               Much more to my surprise, he offered to let me stay at his place. He lived with his parents a little bit outside of Baltimore and had an extra bedroom or something, so apparently it wouldn’t be any trouble. It beats riding the 1:47am bus out of a random Baltimore bus stop and getting home to Jers’ around 6am. In return, I bought his ticket to the show.

               Mind you, at this point I’d never really hung out with Jon one-on-one before—just in a group setting, once on a double date, at some parties (both Dinner and Typical House.) So I was kind of nervous to meet his parents, who knew very little about me besides the fact I was Matt’s, his best friend at the time, girlfriend. And here I was, a strange girl about to stay at their house who bought him a concert ticket.

               Jon is not (or at least not at the time) much of a conversationalist. He’s just quiet until you get to know him.  We talked at the concert a little, about what he’s been up to since he’s been home, if/when he’s going back to Nashville. I can’t really remember the answers to any of these questions; we talked a little bit about medication and stuff. I don’t remember much of the show, just that it was really fuckin’ cool, as their shows always are.

               His mom picked us up after and we drove back to his house, which was farther away but the exact size that I expected. I put my stuff in the room provided to me that was filled with photographs of young Johnny and his sister, who seemed to be the Golden Child. There’s always a golden child. Usually the golden child is not the one with aggressive and expensive neurological issues such as ourselves.

               After throwing my stuff on the bed I walked downstairs and watched hockey with Mr. Jon’s Dad (sparing last name) while Jon grinded up some weed on the table right in front of him.

               I was thrown off but not surprised. I knew Jon’s parents were OK with him smoking but I had also always assumed that it was a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy; ignorance is bliss. But there he was, packing a bowl at the table, while his father sat in the recliner watching the Penguins highlights.

               Mr. Jon’s Dad was also a quiet guy—we made cheap conversation about the playoffs and whatever hockey information I could coherently rattle off. Eventually he went to bed, and jon and I sat alone and watched How it’s Made.

               You know those nights where you stay up until three in the morning and talk about both everything and nothing? And you don’t really know how or why you end up talking about these things but it happens ridiculously unexpectedly and it’s just really cool? This was one of those nights—one of the strangest and important of my life.

               Of course we talked about deep things and laughed and I gave him advice, but now I just don’t know if any of it was real. I thought the motivation and intent were pure—we both need friends and support and some sort of person who understood what the other was going through. I thought I helped him, and he helped me too.

               Over the next couple months I kept a virtual eye on him—still nervous he was going to hurt himself and unwilling to lose a friend. I called him to remind him to take his meds even though I was sure I was annoying him. There was one time I saw a suspicious tweet and called him at 12:30am.

               He helped me get through my break up, encouraged me to just be honest with Matt about my feelings, that it was best to just do it. I told Jon as soon as Matt and I backslid in February, asked him for advice. Because he knew Matt so well, he was a confidant on the inside, and gave insight when he felt like he could.

               Jon and I only ever hung out a few times one on one, and yet I considered him one of my closest friends, even though I was never positive he didn’t feel the same.

            But I slept with Jon a few months ago, which was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life.  It negated something that was an unnecessarily huge turning point in my existence.  

I went over to his apartment right before I left Nashville indefinitely and had already planned to stay the night. I picked up a 12 pack of Miller High Life and I drank most of it. We just sat and watched Rick and Morty and Bill Maher and some other shit I don’t care to remember, me tipsy (if not straight up drunk), and him stoned as could be. I’d spent the past week or so couch surfing, making my rounds of Nashville to say goodbye.

As we watched whatever it was we were watching, we slowly inched closer together, to the point where his arm was awkwardly around my shoulder while I rested my head on his. I kept thinking to myself how simply bad of an idea this was; he was a good friend, he was my ex’s best friend, this could negate everything. But Drunk Ellie was horny and lonely, and hadn’t felt emotionally close to anyone in a few months, and hated herself already; why not add a little more on top?

He asked if I wanted to just sleep in the bed; initially I said no, but of course changed my mind. “I guess I will,” I said. “God knows I’m not gonna be able to sleep in an actual bed for a while.”

So I crawled in next to him (wearing a bra, a tshirt and leggings), and didn’t get far before we started playing footsie, which then lead to other obvious things.

Afterwards, the first thing he said, something I’ll never forget, was “I’ve been thinking about that for a long time.” Reluctantly, I responded “Me too.” We talked some more, I asked him my post-sex question that I ask everyone, and eventually went to bed.

The next morning I left pretty early to head to whatever my next destination was. Here was a fairly accurate representation of the conversation we had, which surprisingly wasn’t that awkward.

Me: Thanks for the hangs.

Jon: Yeah dude, no problem.  It was good to see you.

Me: Let me know if you’re ever in NYC, It’d be really nice to see you.

Jon: Yeah totally. I think my friend Olivia and I might go up there over the summer sometime.

Me: That’d be sweet. See ya.

This exchange might objectively seem awkward, yet somehow it wasn’t. It was just us.

The next day or whatever,  I texted him asking what had been bothering me for the past 24 hours. I don’t want to go back and look at how I phrased the question because I don’t really want to see the answer in text form again.

“Soooo how long is a long time lol”

“Idk, since like freshman year? You?”

“Idk a while, but I was with Matt”

He hasn’t responded to me since.

Jon’s a year younger than me, and I had just graduated. We had both dated other people; seriously dated other people, within that time.  And yet it was in the back of his mind for two and a half years? I didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted. All I knew to be was confused.

So much had happened between Jon and Matt and I in the past year. Jon encouraged me in breaking up with Matt. He was there to talk me through the aftermath. When Jon and I hung out back in May, it was admittedly charged but morally forbidden to the both of us.

Was Jon’s support all a long-game effort to get in my pants? Was the friendship and support I offered him misconstrued as capital F Feelings? Had I not realized I had feelings for him? It crossed my mind, quiet selfishly, that maybe he at one point has feelings for me.

Regardless, I appear to have lost a good friend. And it makes me sad every day.