#hyukbin | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

complete-in-ix · 1 year

Text

Only Eternity

Rated: G Warning(s): None

Description: Lee Jaehwan, a lonely time god, wanders the city looking for something. He doesn't even know what he's searching for, but he'll know he's found it when he does.

(Read on AO3)

Jaehwan wanders aimlessly about the city in an attempt to alleviate the heavy feeling in his chest.

Being a god of time had its perks, what with being immortal and having the ability to stop, turn back, or speed up time at will with no repercussions. The immortality could get to be a drag sometimes though, as Jaehwan had to watch as everything he loved eventually wither away, and even if he froze time to preserve them, they would just remain frozen until Jaehwan lets time move again. There are other time gods around, but he hasn’t encountered any in his long life, and even if he did, he wasn’t sure how he’d interact with them.

Jaehwan sighs deeply as he approaches the entrance to a park, deciding that maybe a change of scenery from the cold gray buildings would be enough to cheer him up. Despite it being a rather dark and cloudy day, the flowers in the park are still bright and cheerful with all their happy colors. Jaehwan glances up as he turns in to the entrance and is instantly met with the most beautiful man he’s ever seen.

Perhaps it’s just Jaehwan being hopeful, but he swears he sees the man give him a knowing smile before he passes by. Jaehwan turns to look, but the man has already disappeared. He bites back a disappointed sigh as he continues into the park. That man was probably mortal anyway, and even if Jaehwan had been able to get his attention, he would live as if nothing changed while the man continued to age and eventually died, leaving Jaehwan lonely all over again.

“I guess there’s really nothing I can do,” Jaehwan mutters to himself, sitting down on a bench in the center of the park. The flowers around him are certainly beautiful, but they simply cannot compare to the image of that man’s smile which remains in Jaehwan’s mind. He leans his head back in frustration, closing his eyes so tightly that he sees stars in an attempt to get that man out of his head.

When he opens his eyes again, he instantly feels as if something is wrong. He no longer feels the wind in his hair, the sweet scent of the flowers has disappeared, and all the sounds of the surrounding city no longer ring in his ears. He straightens up and looks around the park. Everything has stopped in its tracks, and no one seems to be aware of this. Time has stopped. Jaehwan blinks in confusion; this wasn’t his doing.

“Another time god?” Jaehwan murmurs to himself, standing up and walking out of the park. Every person he passes is completely frozen, and Jaehwan begins to doubt he’ll be able to find the other time god who did this as he reaches the top of a bridge close to the city center. His thoughts are stopped when he sees another man crossing the bridge towards him.

“Oh, I didn’t expect to see another one of us here! I’m Lee Jaehwan, what’s your name?” Jaehwan says in a cheerful tone as the man approaches. “Taekwoon.” The man replies, his high voice taking Jaehwan by surprise. “I thought I was the only time god in this city.” Taekwoon continues, leaning on the edge of the bridge’s railing to look out at the river beneath them.

“Did you do this?” Jaehwan asks, mirroring Taekwoon’s gesture.

“I did. Something’s missing from my life and I’m tired of waiting for it to come to me, so I intend on finding it.” Taekwoon replies, not meeting Jaehwan’s gaze as he pushes himself upright and starts walking down the bridge.

“Mind if I tag along? I’m looking for something too, and I could use some company from another one of us.” Jaehwan asks, following Taekwoon like a lost puppy.

“I don’t mind. Maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for as well.” Taekwoon replies. His words bring images of that mysterious man to Jaehwan’s mind, and he falters for a second before agreeing.

The two of them continue down the bridge in silence, both watching their surroundings for movement. Jaehwan breaks the silence after a few minutes, his voice echoing slightly as they enter a narrow alley.

“What exactly are you looking for, if it isn’t too much to ask?” He asks, pressing a little closer to Taekwoon as the walls of the alley close in on the two of them. Taekwoon remains silent for a moment, his expression guarded as he gathers his response.

“I’ve just been feeling... Empty these days. I feel like I’ve just been drifting around with no purpose, and no one has been able to stay with me for long. Well, until now I guess, but I still feel as if something’s missing.” Taekwoon replies.

“Funny, that’s just how I’ve been feeling,” Jaehwan says, his lips curling into a sad smile. “It’s lonely, being like this. Even someone as cute as me can’t have someone for long.” He adds with an exaggerated pout.

Taekwoon rolls his eyes at Jaehwan’s childishness, but he still smiles in agreement. “That’s why I’ve decided to find this missing piece. I have all the time in the world to look, after all.” He says, stopping short when he spots movement at the other end of the alley. “Something’s moving? Who’s there?” Jaehwan asks, hiding behind Taekwoon. “Hey Binnie-hyung, I think we found more time gods!” A loud voice calls from the stranger at the other end.

“More? How many time gods are even in this city?” Another voice replies. This one is a little softer, but still had the same amount of energy as the first. Taekwoon starts off towards the pair, Jaehwan following behind him.

“Hey! Did either of you freeze the city?” The first man calls, waving to Jaehwan and Taekwoon.

“I did,” Taekwoon replies softly, eyeing the two with a strange interest. Jaehwan sees a hint of an emotion flash across Taekwoon’s eyes when he notices the two stranger’s entwined hands, but he is unable to determine what it is.

“Well I’ve got to thank you for that, you helped me meet Binnie-hyung here!” The first stranger continues, gesturing to the man beside him.

The man is young, Jaehwan notes, barely out of his teenage years, it would seem. Jaehwan turns his attention to the stranger’s partner, the one he called “Binnie-hyung”. He seems a little older than the first man but younger than Jaehwan. He smiles brightly at Jaehwan and Taekwoon, exposing adorable dimples that made Jaehwan just want to squish his cheeks. Something in his soft doe eyes makes Jaehwan restrain himself, however, as they have a glint in them that reminds him of a fox; cute yet plotting.

“The name’s Han Sanghyuk, it’s nice to meet you!” The first man’s voice cuts through Jaehwan’s thoughts and he looks back to see Sanghyuk extending a hand to him and Taekwoon.

“Taekwoon,” Taekwoon mutters, shaking Sanghyuk’s hand. Perhaps Jaehwan is seeing things, but he swears there is a hint of bitterness in Taekwoon’s voice when he looks at Sanghyuk’s partner.

“I’m Lee Jaehwan! Are you guys looking for something too?” Jaehwan asks as he shakes Sanghyuk’s hand. “Well, we were, but I think we might have found it already.” Sanghyuk’s partner says, glancing at Sanghyuk with a fond expression. “I’m Lee Hongbin by the way.” “Aw man, you guys are lucky! Taekwoon and I are still looking. For what, I have no idea, but we’ve been running around all over the place looking for it.” Jaehwan exclaims, whining as he speaks the last sentence. “Maybe we can help you look. Besides, it’s not every day that you find three other time gods in the same city as you.” Sanghyuk suggests. “Sure! The more the merrier, right?” Jaehwan says, looking to Taekwoon for approval. Taekwoon eyes Sanghyuk and Hongbin for an excruciatingly long moment, his expression unreadable. If time hadn’t already been frozen, Jaehwan would have thought it had as he waits for Taekwoon’s answer. Jaehwan begins to worry that Taekwoon might refuse since Taekwoon seems to be a very quiet and introverted person, while Sanghyuk, Hongbin, and himself are... Quite the opposite. “I don’t see why not. Come on.” Taekwoon finally murmurs, walking ahead of the group through the alley. “Alright! The party’s officially started!” Jaehwan cheers, hopping around in excitement. “Sweet! It’ll be like a treasure hunt!” Sanghyuk adds, grabbing Hongbin’s arm and jumping along next to Jaehwan. Hongbin shoots both of them a judgemental look, his eyes meeting Taekwoon’s. They seem to have a moment of “I can’t believe I’m stuck with these two” before Jaehwan and Sanghyuk calm down.

A few hours later, the group stops at the pier to rest.

“Man, we haven’t found anyone else here! Are we even looking for other time gods or is are you guys just looking for some hidden item here?” Sanghyuk complains, dramatically flopping down on a bench. “We’ll know what it is when we find it. Finding other time gods was just a bonus.” Taekwoon murmurs, looking out at the water.

“Should we all just split up then?” Hongbin suggests, sitting down next to Sanghyuk. “We can all meet up somewhere when you find what you’re looking for or something.” “That actually sounds like a good idea. Where should we meet up?” Jaehwan asks, perking up at Hongbin’s suggestion. “There’s a fountain close to the center of the city. We can all meet up there and then just go on with our lives or something.” Hongbin says with a shrug. “What say you, o fearless leader?” Jaehwan asks, looking to Taekwoon. “Sure. I won’t have to deal with you all if we split up.” Taekwoon murmurs, his eyes alight with dry humor. “Yah! You’re so mean, hyung!” Sanghyuk exclaims, much like a petulant child.

“Well, I’d best get going. I’ll meet you all later.” Taekwoon says, acting as if Sanghyuk had never said anything. Jaehwan waves to him as he walks off along the docks, turning back to Hongbin and Sanghyuk with a sigh as soon as Taekwoon is out of earshot.

“Don’t worry about him. He seems like a grouchy grandpa cat, but he’s really just a little hamster.” Jaehwan says reassuringly. He hasn’t really known Taekwoon for that long, but he has gotten quite good at reading people in his lifetime, and he is confident that he knows Taekwoon well enough to say these kinds of things.

“A hamster with a nasty bite, that’s for sure.” Sanghyuk jokes. “Yeah, you have to watch your fingers around him. He might bite them off.” Jaehwan adds with a laugh. “Well, I should get going too. I promise I won’t keep you waiting for long!” He says, getting up to leave after a moment. “See you later hyung!” Sanghyuk calls after him, and Jaehwan waves in response. He takes off in the opposite direction Taekwoon went, deciding to make his way back into the city towards the park he was in earlier. He hopes to see that beautiful man from before, even going so far to think that he may be a time god as well considering how his day had gone so far. He swears up and down that the man had given him a smile before disappearing, and the glint in his eye suggested that the man had known exactly what Jaehwan was. Of course, Jaehwan might just have been imagining things, but he thought it couldn’t hurt to dream a little.

As he approaches the park, Jaehwan can pick up the faint sound of someone singing. His heart picks up slightly because that voice must surely belong to an angel. He is too far away to make out any lyrics, but the song sounds soft and sweet, like something one would use to serenade their lover while standing under their window at night to lull them to sleep. Jaehwan finds himself mesmerized, drawing closer to the source of the angelic voice until he steps into the center of the park and stops dead in his tracks. Standing in front of him is the man from before who has now completely captured Jaehwan’s heart as he continues to sing, oblivious to Jaehwan’s presence.

“Saying ‘I love you’ with words might not be enough, but I still want to confess to you today.” The words slip from the man’s mouth, pulling Jaehwan’s heartstrings with every syllable. “I wanna be with you, always a step behind you. Don’t forget there’s a person who will protect you.”

Jaehwan finds himself softly harmonizing with the beautiful stranger, who remains unaware of his secret admirer. The song ends far too soon for Jaehwan, and he finds himself wishing that he could let this moment replay forever. It wouldn’t work, however, as the stranger turns around to see Jaehwan standing stunned like a deer in the headlights. “Oh! I didn’t realize you were there! How was my little performance?” The stranger asks in a flirtatious tone, picking up on the fact that Jaehwan is just standing there in a lovestruck daze. “It was absolutely stunning. I would ask if you were a time god as well, but I think you’re more of an angel.” Jaehwan replies, only half aware of what he’s saying as he’s too busy staring at the man in front of him. The man who had stolen his heart then noticed him, then finally also happened to be a time god as well. Jaehwan believed himself to be the luckiest man on earth as a smile spreads across the man’s face, a smile so dazzling that the sun and stars seemed to hide in shame. “Why thank you, handsome stranger. I do happen to be a time god, I thought I was the only one here.” The man says, starting to approach Jaehwan. “My name is Cha Hakyeon. May I be so blessed as to hear yours?” He asks, and Jaehwan feels as if he may collapse. “L-Lee Jaehwan. Your name is beautiful. It suits you. I mean, of course, it does since it’s your name, but it’s just a pretty name. Just as pretty as you.” Jaehwan stutters out, a hot blush creeping up his face. ‘I must look like such an idiot.’ He thinks to himself as Hakyeon laughs. He suddenly doesn’t mind, as he would do anything to hear Hakyeon’s laugh again. “You have a beautiful name as well. It’s just as cute as you.” Hakyeon says, and Jaehwan feels himself go weak in the knees. “I must ask, are you the one who froze this city? I don’t mind since I got to practice this song, but I just want to know.” Hakyeon continues. “No, someone else did. They were looking for something, just like I was.” Jaehwan says, snapping back to attention. “Looking for something? May I ask what?” Hakyeon asks, tilting his head in curiosity.

“I’m not quite sure. Something to fill this lonely feeling that we both have,” Jaehwan says, stopping to correct himself. “Well, this feeling that I used to have. I think I’ve found what I’m looking for,” He says, smiling up at Hayeon.

Hakyeon takes a moment to process Jaehwan’s words before a blush slowly creeps up his face. “Have you been looking for... Me?” He asks, staring at Jaehwan in disbelief. “Well, kind of. I’ve been looking for something or someone to get rid of this lonely feeling, and I think I’ve found that someone.” Jaehwan says, shyly looking away. “I’ll be honest, I was kind of hoping it would be you. I saw you smile at me earlier, or at least I think you did, and then I couldn’t stop thinking about you even though I thought you were just a normal human and I was trying not to get my hopes up but then here you are, and I’m rambling aren’t I...” He can feel a blush creeping up his face as he continues talking despite his mind screaming at him to stop.

Hakyeon is silent for a moment that seems to stretch on forever as he processes Jaehwan’s almost unnaturally fast rambling. Jaehwan nervously scratches the back of his neck, waiting for Hakyeon to answer.

“You just described all my feelings in one ramble.” Hakyeon finally says. “And I don’t mind your rambling, I think it’s cute. Just like the rest of you.” He continues.

“I- wait, you seriously- you feel-“ Jaehwan stammers, unable to form his thoughts into a coherent sentence. “Yes, I think you’re my missing piece. It would be safe to say that I’m your missing piece, so it would only make sense.” Hakyeon explains, his lips parting with a soft laugh.

“Am I in heaven?” Jaehwan mutters, mostly to himself. Hakyeon laughs at this and Jaehwan nearly tackles him in a hug. “I must be if the most beautiful man in the world actually feels the same way as I do!” He squeals, jumping around in circles while clinging to Hakyeon.

Hakyeon breathlessly joins Jaehwan in his frantic jumping around, laughing and holding him tight. “The same could be said for you, you’re so cute I could mistake you for a precious puppy.” He coos as Jaehwan calms down.

“Of course you could, I’m just the cutest time god to ever exist!” Jaehwan boasts jokingly. “I can’t wait to have you meet the others, I promised I wouldn’t keep them waiting!” He gushes, hugging Hakyeon tight to his chest.

“Wait, the others? There are even more time gods here?” Hakyeon asks, pulling back from Jaehwan’s embrace to look him in the eye. “Yeah, I met like three more others before I met you. It’s crazy, you’d think this city is just populated by time gods or something!” Jaehwan says, releasing Hakyeon and taking his hands in his own. “I agreed to meet them at the center of the city when I found what I was looking for. Will you come with me?” He asks, looking into Hakyeon’s eyes with a hopeful puppy dog look.

Hakyeon visibly melts at Jaehwan’s expression, getting lost in Jaehwan’s puppy eyes for a second before he agrees.

Taekwoon is nowhere to be found when Jaehwan and Hakyeon arrive at the fountain, and it is obvious that Hongbin and Sanghyuk have been waiting for a long time judging by Sanghyuk’s dramatic whining.

“Yah, you took forever hyung! I thought you promised not to keep us waiting!” Sanghyuk whines, sprawled on top of the fountain’s wall.

“Another time god? How many are there in this city!” Hongbin exclaims, taking notice of Hakyeon.

“A lot, apparently. Jaehwannie tells me you all have another companion?” Hakyeon asks. “Yeah, but he’s been gone for who knows how long. He’s the one who froze this city in the first place.” Sanghyuk explains.

“I see. He’ll come here once he’s found whoever or whatever he’s looking for, right?” Hakyeon asks. “That’s what we agreed on. He’s the one who froze the city, so he has to keep his promise either way.” Hongbin says with a shrug. “Anyway, this is Cha Hakyeon! He’s my missing piece.” Jaehwan coos, clinging to Hakyeon’s arm and resting his head on his shoulder. “Nice to meet you. I’m Lee Hongbin. This is Han Sanghyuk, my missing piece if we’re referring to each other like that.” Hongbin says, extending a hand to Hakyeon. “My pleasure. So we all met through this one person’s time-freeze?” Hakyeon asks.

“Pretty much, yeah. I’ve got to remember to thank him for that.” Jaehwan says, nuzzling into Hakyeon’s side.

It would be another three hours before Taekwoon finally returned with yet another time god by the name of Kim Wonshik at his side.

“How many time gods even live in this city!?” Wonshik had exclaimed upon meeting the others. “It really is a small world. At this point, we might as well just stick with each other now that we’ve all found each other.” Hakyeon suggests. “That’s a great idea! We can probably form a band or something!” Sanghyuk jokes. “Nothing’s really stopping us. I think Vixx would be a cool name.” Hongbin adds. “Yeah! Vixx for the win!” Jaehwan exclaims excitedly as Taekwoon lets time flow again.

As the city resumes life as if nothing happened, a friendship to last for eternity bloomed to life at its heart.

#only eternity #vixx #haken #with some slight hyukbin and wontaek #time god au #perennial #this was written for the same challenge as error iirc #so that makes it Very old as i'm sure you can tell by reading it #now i know for sure that I've improved since this #I'm embracing my former cringe...#also I will be rewriting and then continuing this!!!

2 notes · View notes

vixxscifiwritings · 4 years

Text

lilac melancholy

Length - 4590 words

Characters - Hongbin x Sanghyuk, VIXX Ensemble

Rating - Teen and Up

Summary - Sanghyuk wonders bitterly if he has loved Hongbin or if he has regretted him longer.

Tag List - @tomatoholmes @merlionmen @seraphistols @k-craze-97 @blossomtearsleo

The days that pass by are drowsy, packed with heat and the roaring noise of factory machines from the mills three blocks over. The posters peel off the electricity pole, revealing the maroon red rusting beneath. A single touch would result in your skin burning from the ferrous substrate.

The power is gone once again, like it usually was during the afternoons. Hongbin watches as Sanghyuk flips through the pages of the copy of Sputnik Sweetheart , stolen from his older brother’s bookshelf. Sanghyuk is too young to understand these stories, his brother insists. What does a thirteen year old know of people feeling melancholy and emptiness from unrequited love and unattachment?

Hongbin likes to think that he knows. There is a far away look in his eyes now, an emptiness inside him ever since his mother finally up and left. His father abandons all pretenses of the family being together and stops coming home entirely that one fateful night in April. At fifteen, Hongbin understands melancholy and loneliness in ways Sanghyuk’s brother thinks Sanghyuk won’t.

“You’re doing that thinking thing again” Sanghyuk points out and Hongbin hums. It is June now and it is far too hot for Hongbin to sling his arms around Sanghyuk’s waist and bury his face in his shoulder to hide the emotions that are always on display on his face. He hates that the most about himself even if he feels safe enough in Sanghyuk’s presence.

“It’ll be good if you thought in a while too” Hongbin retorts, letting the sassy facade take over. How many times can he be sad about the same things till Sanghyuk gives up on consoling him?

“Are you thinking about your mother?”

“What makes you say that?”

“It was her birthday yesterday. I saw you looking at the calendar you have hidden away under your mattress” Sanghyuk confesses. His voice is still high pitched and hasn’t grown deep the way Hongbin’s has. In his childlike voice, everything sounds naive and innocent and Hongbin always forgives him for it. There is not much room to hide secrets in this sixteen by twenty feet room they share.

“It’s okay to miss her,” Sanghyuk adds, putting his arm around Hongbin’s waist. Hongbin turns to his left to look at Sanghyuk. His face is only a few inches from his own and his gaze is steady, searching for the answers to the complex maze of emotions that Hongbin himself does not have.

“I don’t want to miss her. Not when everyone knows she doesn’t miss me” Hongbin says. It’s commendable that the anger and bitterness he has kept bottled up doesn’t explode vehemently into those lines. The feelings flood his mind every time the topic is brought up and Hongbin does his best to stop the flow of emotions with the success of duct tape holding together a pipe bursting at its seams.

“Okay” Sanghyuk says. His actions are different from his words because he pulls Hongbin in and holds him and lets Hongbin bury his face in Sanghyuk’s neck like he always does. He kisses the back of Hongbin’s head and pats his back and lets Hongbin intertwine his legs with his own and holds him despite the stuffy heat. The sun shines angrily on the dry ground outside but Hongbin thinks he only has a grey misty sky clouding his mind.

“Will you leave me when you grow up?” Hongbin asks Sanghyuk. Sanghyuk’s brother will leave in September. He’ll go to a reputed college on the other side of the country and that will be one more person in his found family who does not come back home regularly.

“You’re older than me. You’ll be the one who leaves first” Sanghyuk reminds him.

“Kiss me” Hongbin asks in lieu of replying. Those are demons he harbours for darker days. Hongbin is selfish that way. He will hold onto whatever he can for however long he has it because he knows nothing lasts. The old yellowing wedding card promising eternal love and happiness that his father hides in his closet is proof that nothing lasts.

But when he feels Sanghyuk’s lips on his own the static in his mind drops to a quiet hum. Sanghyuk is skinny and his body feels bony under Hongbin’s small fingers. Sanghyuk hovers over him and his weight is a pleasant distraction from the world. The way Hongbin calls Sanghyuk’s name when he runs his fingers through his hair is a rhythmic metronome that is spoken in hushed tones to keep his dependency on Sanghyuk’s affection a secret from the rest of the world.

Sanghyuk falls asleep in Hongbin’s arms but when he wakes up, Hongbin is not in his room. His brother tells him that he went home and comments on how odd it is and how Hongbin should move in with them properly instead of staying in that lonely apartment. Sanghyuk nods but knows Hongbin won’t return for a few more days.

Sanghyuk doesn’t see him for days following moments like the one they shared earlier today. It happened the first time they kissed and the second and the third. It will happen again tomorrow. Maybe Sanghyuk will see him by the field, playing football with Wonshik and inviting him to join the game like nothing has happened. Or maybe hanging out at the cafe in the mall because the part timer there has a soft spot for him and always gives him free milkshakes. Sanghyuk doesn’t know.

He tries not to think about it and goes back to reading.

If there is one part about growing up that Sanghyuk thinks he will never get used to, it’s the parties. He likes people but he doesn’t like dozens of them stuffed into tiny spaces that reek of smoke and cheap shitty alcohol that is more likely to cause nausea over intoxication. He draws his jacket close and finds a chair by the kitchen’s island counter to sit on.

It’s the premium view to everyone else’s bad decisions. Sanghyuk regrets not bringing his earphones along (he swears they should be in the pocket of his jacket). He makes peace with listening to whatever indie song is playing in the background. Or whatever is audible of it over the incessant chattering of the crowd.

“Leather looks good on you,” Hongbin says, materializing out of nowhere to grab a cup of the fruit punch that has definitely been spiked.

“Thanks,” Sanghyuk says, pulling on the cuff. The leather jacket is an old jacket that his father almost throws out but Sanghyuk sneaks back in. It has cracks around the elbow where it has been bent up and two yellow stripes on the right sleeve but he doesn’t know what that signifies. He likes to think it’s a cult of sorts. The allure of being part of an underground secret society is always high.

“Kinda short for your normal sleeves,” Hongbin says, tugging on the part of Sanghyuk’s overshirt that peeks through from the jacket. It’s dark blue and not visible in the dim purple lights till you really go looking. His father was shorter than him whenever he got this jacket but Sanghyuk knows Hongbin is not interested in explanations. Sanghyuk focuses on the way the rough skin of his fingers feel against his softer skin. Hongbin has rough hands from all the chores he does on his own and lack of belief in hand creams that Sanghyuk’s baby sister rubs on his hands during tea parties insisting he keep them soft.

Hongbin focuses on looking at Jaehwan across the room. Jaehwan who has blonde hair now and is leaning against the wall while laughing at something someone from the football team said. Sanghyuk doesn’t know the name of the dude but he isn’t interested in finding out. Even while Hongbin asks after Sanghyuk’s family and school life, his eyes stray towards that corner of the room.

When Jaehwan returns his gaze and smiles at Hongbin, Hongbin smiles in a way his dimples appear. He has one of those faces. The kind you would see on magazines on the racks of newspaper stands at bus stops. The black eyeliner enhances his brown eyes and Sanghyuk thinks that all Hongbin is missing is a pretty nude shade lipstick. Though lipsticks do nothing except spread inconveniently when being kissed. Or so he has been told.

He hasn’t kissed Hongbin since the summer where he was fourteen but the urge never really goes away.

“I think I should go get a refill,” Hongbin says when Jaehwan walks over. Sanghyuk shrugs and Hongbin makes a beeline for the punch the same time Jaehwan appears by the island counter. Jaehwan is only here to chaperone his younger brother who is throwing the party, Sanghyuk gathers from the bits of conversation filtering through. The music is too loud for indoor voices to be heard. Hongbin is here just because Wonshik wanted to get drunk. Sanghyuk doesn’t need to eavesdrop to know that.

He taps out when the conversation progresses. He finds Wonshik who is truly wasted and is glad someone out of the three in this friend group is getting what they want out of the night. Sanghyuk wonders if it is a fair standard of evaluation if he started the night without knowing what he wanted. He looks towards Hongbin who is laughing at a weird face Jaehwan is making and adds a thought about unrealistic wants and needs.

It’s stupid. Hongbin is nineteen but is as unreachable as someone who would be twenty five. Hongbin is too pretty for him. Too smart, too pretty and too witty. They have too much history. And now Hongbin is kissing Jaehwan and is definitely not in love with Sanghyuk the way Sanghyuk is in love with him.

Wonshik pouts at Sanghyuk and leans forward till his head rests on Sanghyuk’s shoulder. Wonshik is only an inch taller. In a year or two, Sanghyuk is confident he will outgrow the other man. “I wish they wouldn’t suck faces in public” Wonshik grimaces when he follows Sanghyuk’s line of vision. Sanghyuk looks away and tugs his jacket closer. Maybe it is too short for him after all since it cannot afford the comfort of sleeve paws the way sweaters can. Maybe he should get a new jacket. Or maybe Sanghyuk should have just stayed at home.

Wonshik has a ride home and waves Sanghyuk off when he leaves the party. He makes his way to the bus stop at the end of the block and sits down. The party music is a hum in the background and the cold air is sobering. Sanghyuk weighs his options. He can go home and read for the rest of the night or walk to the arcade five blocks away and blow the rest of his pocket money and see if he can earn enough tickets to buy himself the badly stitched teddy bears they sell.

Hongbin likes those teddy bears. He’ll lie and say no if you ask him and spout bullshit about how they just represent the principle of winning that he loves so much. But he is a sucker for cute things and Sanghyuk knows from the way his eyes lit up when Sanghyuk won a brown teddy bear and threw it at him last summer. He has a small version threaded into the metal ring that acts as a keychain.

Sanghyuk thinks that he should stop thinking.

One year. Just a year, he tells himself. Then he’ll be off to university and he will meet other people and he might even discover that he doesn’t actually like dimples or brown eyes or rough hands so much. One more year and he won’t be haunted by the unrequited feelings that seem to grow stronger instead of fading against all laws of the universe and logic.

Sanghyuk treks back home and thinks he should worry about saving up for a second hand car or actually passing that stupid driver’s test. He finds his earphones tangled with the fabric of the inner pocket of his jacket once he reaches home and he laughs at the bad luck of his timing.

Hongbin doesn’t realise that he has gotten used to the loneliness that comes from Sanghyuk’s absence.

He calls during the first year of university. Hongbin thinks Sanghyuk’s voice on the phone sounds very different from the way it sounds in real life. It sounds deeper and grave in ways Hongbin doesn’t remember. Sanghyuk has always been wise beyond his years. Maybe he thrives in the real world with the same grown up concerns that Hongbin does not like grappling with.

Then Sanghyuk gets an email id because it is useful and sends emails instead of calling. The letters are short and really Hongbin is shit at keeping in touch because he doesn’t have anyone else who tries. Wonshik has always been in the same town and Sanghyuk has always been around to the point that Hongbin took his presence for granted. He never thought Sanghyuk would ever go away like his brother did.

The emails come once a week and then once a month and finally on holidays and only contain generic good wishes.

Until Wonshik shows up at his door with Sanghyuk in tow,carrying a small duffle bag filled with clothes and essentials. It’s just for a week while Wonshik’s studio gets renovated, he assures him. Sanghyuk only needs a couch to crash on for a week and he can move back in with Wonshik for the rest of winter till he has to go back to university for his final semester. Hongbin didn’t even know that Sanghyuk was in town and he used to know every secret once upon a time. He doesn’t know why he isn’t staying with his family and he doesn’t know if he can ask.

“You can stay as long as you need,” Hongbin says, offering to make coffee for everyone. Wonshik denies the offer. He needs to leave first and look over the renovation work on his studio.

Sanghyuk looks nothing like Hongbin remembers him. He is taller than Wonshik by a few inches and his voice is deeper. His shoulders are broad and the large overshirts he wears only accentuate them. He took to working out when they still talked on the phone. He must definitely be more muscular too. Gone is the lanky teenager in his father;s old leather jacket that Hongbin remembers. Instead Sanghyuk is an adult who looks more mature than he should for the young age of twenty one.

“I didn’t think you read Hemingway” Sanghyuk says, picking up a copy of Farewell To Arms that’s lying on the coffee table.

“It isn’t my book. Taekwoon tends to leave behind whatever he is reading at the moment” Hongbin tells him. Taekwoon does that a lot. Forgetting things at Hongbin’s place and coming back for them weeks later when he is finally free enough to spend the night. It’s a peaceful arrangement for their unlabelled relationship. If he can even call it a relationship.

“Are you sure Taekwoon doesn’t mind me staying over?” Sanghyuk asks.

“Taekwoon doesn’t live here. Not fully anyways. And if anything, he would be happy to meet another bookworm” Hongbin shrugs.

“He’ll be disappointed. It’s been a while since I didn’t read a book to write a critique or a report on it” Sanghyuk says ruefully.

He flips through the pages till he finds the section he was looking for and folds up his legs to read comfortably. Sanghyuk spends the next two days voraciously reading through the books Taekwoon has left behind. He doesn’t talk more than necessary. It snows on the third morning that Sanghyuk stays over and they exchange remarks about the weather. Hongbin opens up a bottle of wine on Christmas eve and Sanghyuk accompanies him wordlessly.

He prefers white wine, Hongbin supposes when Sanghyuk downs the entire contents of his glass and grimaces at the after taste. He has grown to tolerate the taste of mushrooms and no longer separates them out of the microwaveable pasta meal that Hongbin makes. He prefers typing on his laptop to writing in notebooks, he gathers when he sees Sanghyuk tapping away on the kitchen table with a mug full of coffee next to him. It’s the ‘World’s Best Mom’ mug that Taekwoon left behind that Hongbin finds supremely ugly but it matches Sanghyuk’s presence. Unconnected but a lone puzzle piece that sits as the centerpiece in the void of Hongbin’s life.

Sanghyuk doesn’t smoke, Hongbin finds when they are lying on Hongbin’s bed in his bedroom and Sanghyuk denies the offer. Never took a liking to it, Sanghyuk confesses. Hongbin listens to a vinyl that Wonshik gifted him two years ago for his birthday and Sanghyuk says nothing about the 80s music. He thumbs through the earmarked pages of a collection of poems by T S Elliot.

“Taekwoon must really like classics” Sanghyuk deduces. There are very few books on the coffee table but Sanghyuk is intimately acquainted with them in ways Hongbin isn’t.

“He’s a sucker for them. Also likes Murakami the way you did in high school” Hongbin answers. He doesn’t get the appeal for reading. He doesn’t have the talent of losing himself in the written word that Taekwoon and Sanghyuk do. He doesn’t even know if he should envy them for the easily available method of escaping the dreary world around them.

“He has good taste” Sanghyuk compliments him.

“It’s a shame that you couldn’t meet him on this visit. He’s off celebrating Christmas with his family.”

“There will be many days in the future,” Sanghyuk says lazily. The way he turns the other way and avoids looking at Hongbin tells him that the other days will not come any time soon. Hongbin thinks of the emails in his inbox that he merely glances over and never knows how to reply to and doesn’t blame Sanghyuk.

If only he didn’t have to leave tomorrow. If only he could stay.

When Hongbin puts his arm around Sanghyuk’s waist and closes his eyes, he pretends he has the right to ask him to stay and that Sanghyuk won’t be gone the morning after. He’ll only be a few streets down the road in Wonshik’s studio till spring comes and he might even visit if he stops being a coward that only regrets and never acts.

His waist is broader than Taekwoon’s and Hongbin keeps that comparison in mind for days after when Taekwoon finally comes to visit and Hongbin hugs him to kiss him. Everything is back to normal now that Sanghyuk is gone once again but the world feels displaced out of orbit by the knowledge of what Hongbin is missing.

“I met Sanghyuk” Wonshik says, running his hands through his hair. He adjusts his chair for the fifteenth time since the conversation has started, much to the displeasure of the lady at the table over, trying to read the newspaper in peace.

“That… is sudden” Hongbin says, swirling the creamer into his coffee. Hongbin has known that Wonshik was seeing someone for a while now but doesn’t know who till the confession. Now there is a name that Hongbin hasn’t heard in years. A person he couldn’t live without once but has not talked to in four years. Is he allowed to miss him after never keeping in touch?

“He’s back for good this time” Wonshik tells him. “He’s going to teach at our old middle school. He’s weirded out by the idea of being colleagues with his old teachers. Did you know Mrs Kim is still teaching math after all these years? I thought she was over sixty when we were kids.”

Wonshik rambles on and Hongbin pays him no thought. Sanghyuk’s name brings up memories and feelings that it shouldn’t. Hongbin wonders if he has gotten any taller or if his voice is still deeper than he remembers and if he signs off emails with regards.

“We should have dinner together sometime,” Hongbin says when Wonshik finally stops.

“I’ll text him. You can’t bail like you did last time though” Wonshik warns. Hongbin flinches at the warning and offers an apologetic smile. Wonshik frowns at him. “It’s been a while since the three of us got time to hang out. It has literally been years since we properly spent time together.”

“Well, I’m not the one that shifted towns and lost touch, am I?” Hongbin says out loud without meaning to.

Wonshik’s expression softens and he shifts again awkwardly. Hongbin and Sanghyuk’s estrangement as they grew older when Wonshik once thought they were in love with each other as teenagers is a development he never addresses because he knows it wasn’t his place to. Realistically speaking, he can’t be friends with both people and skirt around the issue forever. A decade is a miracle on that count.

“I’m sorry. I just… Will you text Sanghyuk and set dinner up?” Hongbin apologizes. His pleasant facade is back and Wonshik knows he will never see his true feelings about the issue again. The bitterness is real in a way most of Hongbin’s actions aren’t. And it gives him hope to salvage this friendship. Wonshik doesn’t fancy losing friends as he grows older when he only has so many to begin with.

“It’s okay to say you missed him, you know? I missed him too” Wonshik says without the expectations of acknowledgement or responses. Hongbin hums in the way people do when lying about agreeing with something a child says. Wonshik knows Hongbin is complicated and he doesn’t expect him to resolve his feelings any time soon.

“I wonder if he likes moving back to town after living in a big city all these years” Hongbin deflects. He hasn’t acknowledged his feelings in the four years since he last saw Sanghyuk and he isn’t about to start now. Any moments of weakness like the one earlier will not be repeated again.

It takes two bottles of soju only for Hongbin to mess up. Wonshik drags the two of them to a tent bar that sells a variety of rice cakes along with cheap soju and beer and Hongbin agrees despite the lack of fried chicken. It’s a Friday night and the three of them drink the night away and laugh at Sanghyuk’s stories from his earlier teaching days. Stories that range from innocent but hilarious spelling mistakes in answer papers to outrageous pranks that Sanghyuk personally admires but must punish as a teacher.

A laughing and happy Sanghyuk is better than the sad young man who spent a week on Hongbin’s couch, not talking to him about the troubles weighing on his mind. Happiness suits him in ways melancholy never did. Hongbin thinks his skin shines and his eyes twinkle and Sanghyuk must know this because he catches Hongbin looking at him and looks at him with such pity in his eyes. Sanghyuk pities him and Hongbin feels pathetic about feeling happy that he feels something.

And so Hongbin leans on his arm all the way home even after they drop Wonshik off at his apartment. He leans on his arm and holds onto it like a drowning sailor holding onto a lifebuoy so they don’t drown. And he tells Sanghyuk about how his hair is soft and shiny and his nose is a tiny button and he cannot help but lean up and graze his lips against it. Sanghyuk laughs and calls him drunk but lets him bask in his warmth because Sanghyuk is his puzzle piece that fits with his odd edges, even if he will never say those words out loud.

Sanghyuk is surprisingly strong because he hauls Hongbin up to his feet and all the way to his apartment. Hongbin kisses him on his cheeks and thanks him for taking him home while laughing about… about something. He doesn’t know what it is that triggers his giggling fit but something does and Hongbin exclaims at Sanghyuk who is ready to drop him on his butt in front of his door if he doesn’t get his keys out soon. He exclaims at him and kisses him on his lips when he has his attention and this is why alcohol is terrible for you really. All of this is a regret in waiting for the morning after.

Sanghyuk stumbles on his way down the stairs in a way that makes it look like he never learnt how to walk. His cheeks are warm where Hongbin kissed him and his lips tingle in the way they do after eating something extremely spicy. He leans against the pole of the lamp post and sighs when the tingling doesn’t go away. He thinks of how he will hide this from Hakyeon.

It’s so easy to say nothing but a part of him vehemently protests about deceiving Hakyeon when Sanghyuk knows his residual feelings for Hongbin still linger. He should love his boyfriend more than the old flame who kissed him in the hallway. He shouldn’t have to remind himself that he loves Hakyeon and not Hongbin. Hakyeon is the one waiting for the text that says he got home safely and didn’t drink too much and he really shouldn’t let Wonshik drag him out on school nights. Not Hongbin, who Sanghyuk just dropped home, drunk out of his mind and still as complicated at thirty as he was at thirteen.

Sanghyuk really hates Hongbin more on nights like these.

“I don’t know what to do” he confesses to Hakyeon weeks after they break up. His feelings for Hongbin have always been a vine that grips his heart. He knows he cannot be rid of them without significant pain and hurt and so like a coward, he lets it fester because he knows he can ignore them forever. The roots dig into the walls of his heart and make him bleed and he bleeds because he is the biggest coward to exist on this planet.

“You do what your heart tells you is the right thing” is all Hakyeon says. He’s disappointed and it’s more than Sanghyuk deserves after everything Sanghyuk has just told Hakyeon. Hakyeon who is all gentle smiles and understanding and who Sanghyuk is grateful to even if it must end this way.

“Loving Hongbin is dangerous. He hurts you and nothing comes out of it and then he hurts you some more” Sanghyuk tells Hakyeon. Hongbin hasn’t called or texted after that night. Sanghyuk hasn’t either but its only because he knows Hongbin hates confronting his own feelings. He breaks hearts before his own can be broken and Sanghyuk thinks limbo of not knowing is better than definite pain.

“I don’t think you have it in you to stop,” Hakyeon says. His words would hurt if Sanghyuk didn’t feel tormented enough already. He sighs because he has no words and Hakyeon shifts the topic to other things that don’t matter in the moment and keeps the chatter up till it is no longer awkward to end the phone call.

When the call ends, Sanghyuk brings up his messaging app and stares at Hongbin’s number and watches the bubbles appear and disappear in the messages window. As always, no texts follow and Sanghyuk leaves his phone on the nightstand because he should know better than to have hope.

Sanghyuk wonders bitterly if he has loved Hongbin or if he has regretted him longer.

#vixx fanfiction #vixx hongbin #vixx hyuk #hyukbin #angst #dysfunctional relationship

3 notes · View notes