#i actually started this months ago x___x

[mummer]

i knew you once (+details)

[wonderlandfairytales]

[vent post – feel free to ignore lol]

sooo today is May 26 aka my birthday. woo.

for the longest time I didn’t know what to do today. yesterday was a holiday so most people got off Thursday and Friday and a lot of people went on a short trip or had other plans. I don’t have any REALLY close (read: best) friends so most people I asked had better things to do.

then there’s this friend I have. let’s be all mysterious and call her E lol. we met last year at Fantasy Basel. she was cosplaying as Harley Quinn and taking photos with people and I – a huge Harley Quinn fan – HAD to take a picture with her because she was hands down the most awesome Harley I’ve ever seen. I posted the picture on instagram and used the hashtag fantasybasel. she found the picture and commented on it that it had been nice meeting me. we started talking, first in the comments, then on insta’s messaging system and by the end of the night we exchanged phone numbers and talked over whatsapp.

we realized she lived pretty close and we both worked in basel. long story short, we became really good friends over mostly messaging and email (she’s highly introverted so she wasn’t down to meet in person at first). we sent each other footlong emails from work, telling each other our life story and the struggles we’ve had and realized we were suuuper similar. we did meet up a couple times and it was always fun. then I went to LA in the summer and had a super good time; and when I came back in august we met up once because I got her some Kat Von D lipstick and that was pretty much the last time we saw each other until literally 3 weeks ago at Fantasy.

we did message a couple times but I always thought I was annoying her. her being introverted means she has very limited energy for people. she lives with her boyfriend of 7 years and she doesn’t really need anyone else. so I never really messaged her that much anymore and didn’t ask to hang out because I always felt like I was annoying her.

so, looong story short. we spent the 3 days at fantasy basel together 3 weeks ago which is when we started messaging more again. for the longest time I was hesitant if I should ask her and her bf if they would wanna go out for dinner with me on my bday, along with my new friend R who I met at Fantasy 3 weeks ago. and they said yes :)

so, anyway. R and I spent the afternoon together (she got me a Zelda Monopoly while she got a Pokémon one and her, me, E and her bf decided to have a monopoly night sometime haha, and she also invited me to Starbucks <3) and then at 6pm we met with E and her bf and had dinner. R went home after dinner and E, her bf and I went to the movies to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean (which was cool btw). during the trailers in the beginning E and I were talking a bit and like…

it was weird because… we were talking about how we’d met and talked a lot in the beginning and I said I felt like I was too much for her or annoying her, and she said not at all, and she missed talking to me... 

and then she said, “and when you were in LA last summer and didn’t message me… I really missed you. but I didn’t wanna tell you because you were so happy in LA.”

I spent the whole movie thinking about that.

no one has ever told me they missed me when I was somewhere else.

no. one. ever.

and I almost cried because… it just hit me so hard that someone cares about me??? like for real?? I’m totally not used to this at all… I overwhelm people and then they leave. she told me when I got overwhelming for her (because of her extreme need for personal space, not because of me as a person), which I told her I was super grateful for. but like… wow.

I feel so honored to apparently have such a special place in someone’s heart who only allows (/ has the energy for) very few people to be in her life and know her on such a personal level. 

she also constantly reminds me that I am good and pretty and nice and everything I think I’m not...

but yeah anyway.

it feels so weird. I’m so used to being “betrayed” and screwed over and left and made fun of that I literally don’t know how to deal with someone actually being kind and meaning well.

I wanna cry.

and most ironically, I want to cut. I feel like I don’t deserve them being nice to me. I don’t know why.

it was a very good birthday, one of the best I’ve had. but now my brain is punishing me for being happy.

fuck this.

and then there’s my friend J from LA who I haven’t really talked to much either the past few months but we were super close last year and then I felt like I was annoying her. today she wished me a happy birthday like 4 times over snapchat and facebook and it was really sweet.

and I just… I miss LA. terribly. but now I have at least like 3–4 close friends here which is a first since I moved 16 years ago. and one close friend in Toronto. and like… fuck. I don’t know where I belong. I’ve always wanted to live in LA. but now I’m not so sure anymore. fuck. I feel so lost…

also… I miss having a person. like… “my” person. an emotional connection with someone. a best friend. a girlfriend. I don’t care. just… idk. I always feel like the third wheel.

ugh. 

I hate these feelings. this post is a mess. as is my mind.

I still want to cut. 2,5 years clean. x___x

it’s 1am now. my birthday is technically over. I’m sad af. I shouldn’t be; I literally have no reason to. but I am. aaand here’s the tears.