#i always forget that my doctors diagnosed me w severe depression until it hits and im like

[rainbowgothdisaster]

oh :) hey depression :)

[krosewaterfall]

Selfcare is a big word. It asks a lot of efforts, that I don’t yet have. It was supposed to be the name of this article but I changed it to ‘Self-harm’. I like to write it like that: Self-harm. Self and harm are separated because they’re not supposed to be together. I learnt, not long ago, that it was a sin, in the Quran and even in the Bible. But it’s hard to get away from it.

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I’ve always been sad… most of the time. Since middle school. Things weren’t okay before too, because of the problems my family afflicted me. I only had little episodes of sadness. When I go to middle school, children started bullying me. Only because I was different. Before they did bully me due to my weight but nothing more. There they criticized my personality.

The worst thing they did to me, I’ll never forget. They wanted me to give then donuts otherwise they’d remove my skirt in the middle of the playground. I thought they were just joking. I was too naive… The next day they did. I cried and became rough. I wasn’t as nice as before. Even though I seemed stable and had a lot of authority, I cried every night. I had pressure because of my studies. I did my homework on my own and took breaks to cry. During that time I went through severe depression. The doctor diagnosed me and I couldn’t believe that people knew that. I didn’t know any human could feel like that.

I started thinking about death all the time. I was scared on a daily basis. My mother, my brothers, and mostly my older sister used to hit me most of the time since I was born. My older sister did it everyday. I cried until I liked it. Until I liked feeling pain and hurting myself. So when I grew up enough for no one to touch me, I started doing it myself. I hurt myself emotionally.

I went to high school and left the house. I felt terribly lonely, lost and sad. At times I felt numb, it was nothing but severe depression until then. I got eating disorders, I felt terrible physically. I threw up and stopped eating for days. Then I got Binge eating disorder and gained weight again.

This guy walked in my life, I call him Max. I fell in Love the first time I talked to him. He was different from others. I understood his humor.. I loved him so much. I always hid it and at times I showed it. For three years I was on him. I never changed to someone else. I had little crushes but nothing more. He was the one I never forgot. Once I told him I loved him my life flew with my hope. That’s when I started cutting. To me, I can’t live without him. Whatever happens I will always love him. He will always be in my heart. I keep sending him messages even though he doesn’t answer. I could even get married but still love him. Just being friend with him would be enough for me. I need him around.

At that time it became major depression. I became suicidal and did everything to hurt myself and take my life away. I started failing at school. I cried every night. No one could be there for me. I was ashamed towards my friends. And no one in my family talked to me. There is just times when everyone in my fam is against me. I don’t know why. I kept smiling after my suicide attempts. I promised myself that I’d become a big person one day and that I’ll find Max again.

That’s me today lol.. Anyhoo, as he used to say. Ever since I wake up very sad in the morning. That’s why I hate to wake up. All I like is to sleep when I am tired. At times I can’t sleep no matter how tired I am. Just because I think of all those dark thoughts all night. But when I get the chance to I become happy.

I become happy.

I hope I will say that in the past tense one day.

S E L F – H A R M Selfcare is a big word. It asks a lot of efforts, that I don't yet have. It was supposed to be the name of this article but I changed it to 'Self-harm'.