#i am 17 minutes late for your birthday in my time zone and idk where you are but i hope you like this lil thing

[flowercrowngods]

it’s floaty steddie hours

Eddie never knew there were moments that would just steal his breath and not give it back even after they passed, lingering in his mind, his heartbeat, his fingertips, making him wonder if the world is suddenly much bigger than before, or endlessly smaller, reduced only to one impossibly perfect moment.

He never knew. Until he met Steve. Steve, with his moments, with his smiles, with his kisses and laughs and gentle voice singing under his breath when he thinks Eddie isn’t listening.

But Eddie listens. He always listens.

And he basks, taking it all in as he’s sitting in the back of his van somewhere at the foot of Weathertop, leaning against the side wall.

There is a steady pitter-patter of heavy summer rain against the roof of the van, a breeze of fresh air coming in through the open doors that occasionally leaves goose bumps along his arms and brings with it the smell of rain and drenched soil, of blooming fields and trees and life, mixing with their own little bubble of life and love and tobacco.

Eddie wants to catch that smell, that sound, that feeling in a mason jar like Steve told him he used to dream as a kid. Maybe he will. He knows there’s one in the driver’s side door for this very purpose.

It would be a good forever-moment, with Steve lying in the back of his van, illuminated by the soft glow of the fairy lights Eddie installed for him the other week with a hearty but ultimately fake grumble. The warm light dances along his skin, making it look even more golden than usual, complementing the galaxy of moles that is imprinted and immortalised on his skin.

And Eddie watches. He always watches.

Golden light that makes even his dimples shine as he smiles, eyes closed as he’s singing along to the third mixtape of the night. Space Age Love Song, which Eddie pretends to hate. But how could he hate it when it makes Steve look like that? When it thus steals Eddie’s breath, his heart, his sanity?

And then, for a moment, for one perfect, drawn-out moment, all Eddie Munson can do anymore is watch. And listen. And feel. Because what he sees and hears and feels is everything.

His breath is lodged in his throat as he reaches for his little sketchbook — the special one, littered with drawings and doodles and musings of Steve. His face, his hands, the constellations of his moles. The occasional DnD related sketch in there, because Steve just inspires him.

His pencil dances over the page in practiced, familiar movements as he tries to capture the moment on paper. It’s hard, though, because Steve’s nose is scrunched a little with that smile that Eddie’s not even sure Steve’s aware of, and his dimples tell a story of their own tonight. A story of contentment rather than joy or amusement. Eddie has to try and try again, never quite getting it right, this perfection, and he curses a little under his breath.

“What are you drawing?” Steve asks, turning his head and opening his eyes a little, squinting but curious.

“Nothing,” Eddie smiles, pulling the sketch closer to his chest, away from Steve’s sleepy, lazy, slow attempt to reach for it. “Go back to sleep.”

“‘M not asleep,” he sighs, rolling over onto his side, watching Eddie and reaching for his ankle — just to touch. To hold. To feel.

It makes Eddie smile. “No?”

“No,” Steve says, helpless not to smile back, and Eddie wants to kiss him. “Just… I don’t know. ‘S nice.”

“Yeah?”

“Mm-hmm. Perfect.”

Eddie discards the sketchbook and goes to lie down beside Steve, wrapping one arm around his middle, the other coming up to take Steve’s, their fingers intertwined between their faces.

“Then I think the word you’re looking for is basking.”

Steve hums again, touching his forehead to Eddie’s knuckles before brushing featherlight kisses over them. “Yeah,” he breathes. “Basking.”

Eddie’s heart is ready to beat out of his chest, make a life of its own fuelled by the perfection of this moment. Everything about it. Everything.

Outside, the rain picks up even more, a wave of cold air coming into the van that makes Steve cuddle closer to him, until their foreheads are touching. Eddie closes his eyes, breathes him in, and slowly inches forward, tilting his head to claim Steve’s lips in a gentle kiss.

They trade slow, sensual kisses for a while. Steve’s hand comes up to Eddie’s cheek, his thumb stroking whatever skin he can find, caressing his cheek, his chin, his jaw, while Eddie plays with Steve’s hair.

In the end it’s Steve who pulls back first, eyes open, just watching Eddie. Taking him in, making him feel seen rather than watched.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Answering is as easy as breathing. And just as difficult. Just as impossible. His love, his breath — they both belong to Steve, completely and entirely.

Steve, who smiles at him like being loved by Eddie Munson means something to him. Like it means everything. Like it can mean Forever. Eddie feels like he might not survive tonight it Steve continues to be so genuine, so honest, so raw, so open, so vulnerable, so pretty, so beautiful, so absolutely breathtakingly everything.

“Can I see what you were drawing?”

“You,” Eddie says, reaching behind him blindly in search for his book, too weak to refuse Steve anything he asks for. “I was drawing you.”

“You were?”

Eddie nods, feeling a heat creeping up on his cheeks.

“Sap,” Steve grins, leaning in to plant a kiss on Eddie’s cheek as he reaches over him for the sketchbook. “Can I?”

“Knock yourself out,” Eddie grumbles, rolling them so Steve’s lying on his back and Eddie can sprawl on top of him. Hide his face in the crook of Steve’s neck, hide the way he’s flushing, hide the absolutely obvious way he’s a goner for Steve fucking Harrington.

He hears the gasps, hears the pages being flipped, the little giggles of surprise, the hums and tiny, secret little ohs. He hears them and he holds his breath, beginning to shiver for a reason that even the cool breeze cannot compete with.

“Eddie,” Steve breathes. Doesn’t say anything else for a while. And Eddie wonders if Steve is in the same boat, in the same condition, if he has these moments, too. Moments like this. He wonders, and he hopes, and he wishes.

But Steve doesn’t say anything else, and neither does Eddie, and the music switches to Springsteen. Tougher Than the Rest. It’s always been too soft for Eddie, but right now it serves to give the word perfect a new melody.

“Dance with me,” Steve breathes.

“Hm?”

“Dance with me. Please?”

“In the rain?”

“Mm-hmm,” Steve nods, tightens his hold around Eddie as if he forgot that they still had to get up and get out there.

“Yeah, okay,” Eddie says, lifting himself from Steve’s chest and climbing out of the car, warm rain immediately drenching his clothes. It makes him laugh, a boyish little thing that bubbles out of him as he holds out his hands to help Steve out.

Steve takes his hand, jumping out with a small giggle of his own, making for a glorious vision: happy and giddy against the golden light inside the van, his wild hair soon drenched completely, sticking to his face where he shakes his head, showing droplets of water left and right.

It doesn’t fit the song, doesn’t fit the notion of basking, but they’re both laughing and breathless, clinging to each other in the moonlit night somewhere at the foot of weathertop, far away from everyone else that they might just be the only two people left in the world. Two silly boys, giddy and breathless and stupidly in love.

It makes Eddie pause. Swallow. It makes his heart go wild as he stills.

“What?” Steve asks, stilling as well, looking over his shoulder to see if someone was coming, if someone’s watching them.

Eddie pulls him closer, makes Steve meet his eyes again as he rests his hands around his neck. “Dance with me.”

A smile spreads Steve’s lips, breaking through all of Eddie’s walls to let the light in — even in the middle of the night. “Okay,” he breathes.

And if you’re brave enough for love, // Honey, I’m tougher than the rest.

The sound of rain isn’t loud enough to drown out the music, but still Eddie can barely hear it over the sound of his own heart. Over the sound of I love you, I love you, I love you. Over the sound of Is this forever? Can this be forever?

They slow dance to Springsteen, then to Tears for Fears, and eventually to Prince. They dance until Steve begins to shiver in his arms, until the rain has drenched them so completely that none of the day’s heat is left in the air and the breeze is getting uncomfortable. And then, they dance a little longer, because Steve is capturing Eddie’s lips again, slow and unhurried and like he means it. Like he means it all.

“One day,” Steve breathes against Eddie’s lips. “One day I’m going to marry you. I’ll find a way.”

And it’s Eddie this time who gasps, who falls into Steve because his knees are giving out. It’s Eddie who’s lost for words.

But he doesn’t need words, because Steve is kissing him again, holding him up, holding him, holding his heart and his life and his future in hands so gentle and sure that Eddie wants to fall apart, just a little bit.

“Not if I marry you first,” he says eventually, brushing one last bruising kiss to Steve’s lips before pulling back and climbing into the van, dripping as he is.

Steve, laughing and giggling, follows immediately after him, pulling off his clothes in a hurry to get under the blanket. Eddie watches him with a leer — at least until Steve kicks him in the side and tells him to get out of these clothes and come under the blanket to warm up.

“If you wanted to get me naked, you could’a just said so, Harrington. Didn’t have to propose first.”

Steve grins, helpless against it, blushing a little and hiding his face in the blanket even as he reaches for Eddie to come closer.

But Eddie doesn’t, and awkwardly climbs over Steve to reach for the driver’s side door.

“What are you—“

Steve shuts up when Eddie retrieves the mason jar, his mouth clicking shut adorably, making Eddie grin, vulnerable and nervous and raw as he feels.

“Told myself I’d capture a perfect moment for you. What do you think, does it qualify?”

Steve swallows. Nods. Reaches for Eddie once more, who shuffles closer until Steve can test his head on his shoulder.

“Can’t believe you remembered,” he murmurs, trailing his index finger along the lid.

“I find your lack of faith disturbing,” Eddie grins, making Steve laugh. Alleviating the moment, but not dislodging it. “So?”

“Yeah,” Steve breathes. “It’s perfect. I’m… God, I love you so much, Eddie, shit.”

“And that’s how I’m gonna label it,��� Eddie grins.

“Not One day I’m gonna marry you?”

And Eddie’s breath hitches again. He lowers the mason jar, meeting Steve’s eyes this time. He wants to ask; needs to ask. Needs to know.

“Do you mean that?” It’s whispered; he doesn’t have the strength or the bravery to be any louder.

Steve’s hands come up to his cheeks, cradling his face in the gentlest way as he holds Eddie’s eyes. “Eddie Munson,” he says, “one day I’m going to marry you. And I won’t let you marry me first.”

Between them, Eddie opens the mason jar just as Steve leans in to capture his mouth in a kiss that really is nothing less than a promise. Nothing less than Forever.

happy birthday @anzelsilver i have the hugest “pls be my friend” crush on you so i decided to write you a lil thing and hope you enjoy this and the rest of your week 🫶🤍🌷

[lazingonsunday]

Tag Game!!

I was tagged by @gretavanfic and @bigthighsandstupidguys , thank you, lovelies!! 💛

1. What is your middle name?

Starts with G lol

2. How old are you?

20

3. When is your birthday?

Dec 2

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Everyone is putting like moon and sun and rising and I have no idea what that mean lmao, sorry! I think I’m a Sagittarius though

5. What is your favourite colour?

Orange or Yellow 🧡💛

6. What’s your lucky number?

Don’t really have one, but I always tried to be #10 on my volleyball jersey

7. Do you have any pets?

An old border collie named Riley

8. Where are you from?

Canada! 🇨🇦

9. How tall are you?

Like 5’7 ish

10. What shoe size are you?

Usually 9.5 or 10. I got big ass feet :(

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Way more than one human being needs

12. What was your last dream about?

I went to IT chapter 2 last night so safe to say I was having some freaky clown dreams all night lol

13. What talents do you have?

Um, I can say the alphabet backwards, which is super random lol. I can also kinda play guitar, bass, ukulele, and harmonica, but I’m not very good at any of them yet lol

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I used to think so when I was little, but not so much anymore

15. Favourite song?

Ooh, this is hard. Right now I really love When The Curtain Falls by GVF, but I would say an all time fave might be Forever in Blue Jeans by Neil Diamond because it reminds me of my mom

16. Favourite movie?

Oh, also a tough one! I think either Rocky IV or The Sandlot

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Jake Kiszka, obviously. But in all seriousness, anyone who is genuinely kind that I feel comfortable and happy around.

18. Do you want children?

I never thought so, but now a bunch of my older cousins are having kids and they’re pretty cool, so maybe one day if I found the right person to raise them with

19. Do you want a church wedding?

No, even though my mom will kill me if I don’t lol

20. Are you religious?

I was raised Catholic, but I don’t consider myself religious anymore.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

Yes, I’m asthmatic af lol, and prone to breaking my fingers playing rugby

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

No, I am a well-behaved child

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

I met the magicians Penn & Teller if that counts haha

24. Baths or showers?

For practical purposes of actually getting clean, showers, but I l o v e baths

25. What colour socks are you wearing?

Black

26. Have you ever been famous?

No

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

While I daydream about it frequently, realistically I know I would hate it

28. What type of music do you like?

Literally the most random taste in music, it changes all the time. I don’t even have certain genres that I like, just certain artists or albums from a variety of genres

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yes. I was very drunk lmao

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Three normal ones and a body pillow

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

On my side cuddled up with the pillows

32. How big is your house?

Typical white suburban neighbourhood house

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

I typically pout in the kitchen for 10 minutes before I give up and make something completely inappropriate for breakfast lmao. Usually grilled cheese. This morning alphagetti. I hate breakfast so much lol

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Nope. No desire to.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

Yes, we did it in school a few times

36. Favourite clean word?

Love

37. Favourite swear word?

Idk if it’s a swear word, but I say ‘goddammit’ a lot

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Not long, I’m a sleepy bitch. Probably 24 hours

39. Do you have any scars?

Yes

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

In 9th grade I found out this guy had a crush on my and told literally everyone but me lol

41. Are you a good liar?

I don’t lie very often, but mostly because I am a terrible liar

42. Are you a good judge of character?

Yes. I frequently get such strong vibes off of people and I can tell right away if they’re the kind of person that’s gonna stress me out

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Not well

44. Do you have a strong accent?

I guess I probably have a Canadian accent, but not super strong. The region I’m from has a pretty neutral North American accent

45. What is your favourite accent?

Certain regions of Irish accent are so beautiful. Like Hozier’s accent

46. What is your personality type?

Quite shy, but generally very kind

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

I have a shirt that I got for work that was like a hundred bucks and I never wear it cause I sprayed foundation on it once and now I’m scared I’m gonna ruin it lol

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Yes

49. Are you an innie or outie?

Innie

50. Left or right handed?

Right

51. Are you scared or spiders?

Not really scared of them, but I don’t like them to be close to me if that makes sense

52. Favourite food?

Probably burritos

53. Favourite foreign food?

Mexican

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

Fairly clean

55. Most used phrase?

I really don’t think I have one?

56. Most used word?

Completely. I say it like to agree with someone or acknowledge what they’re saying

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

Depends what I’m getting ready. For school or something I don’t really care about, maybe half an hour. For work or going out, probably over an hour.

58. Do you have much of an ego?

I don’t think so

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

Suck until I get bored and crunch it lol

60. Do you talk to yourself?

Yes, a concerning amount. Like full conversations with myself at full volume, constantly when I’m alone.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Occasionally

62. Are you a good singer?

Not really

63. Biggest fear?

Never learning how to make meaningful connections , pushing all my friends away, and dying alone.

64. Are you a gossip?

No, I hate it! My friends try to tell me about people we went to high school with, and I just genuinely don’t care and don’t want to know lmao

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

Idk what classifies as a ‘dramatic’ movie, but I guess the Rocky movies again

66. Do you like long or short hair?

I love long hair, I’m so jealous of people with really long hair. Mine grows so slow :(

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Maybe, if I thought really hard about it? I can barely remember Canadian provinces lmao

68. Favourite school subject?

I always really loved some topics in science, but then hated others. I was probably best at English.

69. Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert af

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

No, even snorkeling freaks me out. The ocean is some scary soup

71. What makes you nervous?

Pretty much everything lol. But mostly any social situation where there’s people I don’t know, or I don’t know exactly what to expect.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

Really depends where I am. Usually no, but if I’m outside then usually yes, and after watching It last night, yes lol

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Depends who it is and what the mistake is

74. Are you ticklish?

Honestly, not really

75. Have you ever started a rumour?

Not intentionally

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Kind of? At work they have like hourly leaders who are in charge of the sales floor, and I did that a lot, but it’s not really a lot of power or responsibility. Also babysitting I guess

77. Have you ever drank underage?

Yes

78. Have you ever done drugs?

Honestly, this is gonna sound so stupid, but I’ve never done anything other than alcohol and cigarettes. I actually high key wanna try weed, but again the whole ‘not knowing what to expect makes me anxious thing.’ Not even so much that I’m nervous to try the drug but that I’m nervous to try to buy it or get it, even though it’s fully legal in Canada and there’s a dispensary on every corner lmao

79. Who was your first real crush?

The first one I remember was a boy named Evan in first grade

80. How many piercings do you have?

Just my ears, and I rarely wear earrings so I always have to stab through them again when I do

81. Can you roll your R’s?

No, and I can’t whistle either! Which is deeply infuriating!

82. How fast can you type?

Fast enough to not look foolish

83. How fast can you run?

Not fast at all. I’m asthmatic and out of shape lmao

84. What colour is your hair?

An ugly medium mousy brown. I always wanna dye it a little lighter, but I go to the hairdresser like once every two years so it would look stupid when it grew out lol

85. What colour are your eyes?

Hazel-y greenish

86. What are you allergic to?

All sorts of environmental allergies; dust, pollen, animal hair, etc. I’m always sneezing and watery eyes lol

87. Do you keep a journal?

I carry a notebook, but it’s more like an agenda than a diary

88. What do your parents do?

My dad owns a drywall company and my mom is a stay-at-home mom, but she volunteers a lot now that we’re older

89. Do you like your age?

No. I think that being in your late teens and twenties can be really stressful because you feel like there’s certain things that you should have accomplished or experienced and it can be very overwhelming, feeling like you’re competing with all your peers to get your life together

90. What makes you angry?

Rude and disrespectful people

91. Do you like your own name?

Not really

92. Have you thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I’ve definitely thought about it but I don’t really have specific favourites

93. Do you want a boy or girl for a child?

I don’t have a preference. I’d probably like to have one of each

94. What are your strengths?

I think I’ve become a lot more kind and open-hearted in the last few years.

95. What are your weaknesses?

I feel like I have let fear dictate my entire life, and there’s so many things I haven’t done because I’ve been afraid. I need to step outside my comfort zone more often.

96. How did you get your name?

There was a character on a TV show called my name that my parents liked

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Not that I am aware of

98. Do you have any tattoos?

I changed the question because scars was an earlier one. I have two tattoos on my right arm

99. Colour of your bedspread?

Because it’s summer, I have a lighter blanket that’s light blue. My winter duvet is navy

100. Colour of your room?

Light blue

That was LONG lmao but really fun! I’m too lazy to bold the questions so sorry if it’s hard to read!

Tagging: @frcmthefires @sweetkiszkadreams @okietrish @sammyscherub @gretavanbobatea @jake-thomas-kiszka @mr-stank-i-dont-feel-so-dank and anyone else who wants to do it!!

[happyk44]

1-100 all

ONE HUNDRED FUCKING QUESTIONS

1.. what is you middle name?

Marie.

2. how old are you?

A number.

3. what is your birthday?

April 25th

4. what is your zodiac sign?

Taurus.

5. what is your favorite color?

BLUE.

6. what’s your lucky number?

Fuck, I don’t have my sheet in front of me rn but I’m confident there’s a 3 somewhere among it.

7. do you have any pets?

3 cats: Turbo (mine), Olive (my sister), Daisy (mom and dad)

8. where are you from?

BERMUDA.

9. how tall are you?

5 foot 2 and a quarter

10. what shoe size are you?

8 ½

11. how many pairs of shoes do you own?

Currently?? 3. Sneakers, slip-ons (which I don’t wear now that the ground is wet all the time) and boots.

12. what was your last dream about?

Idk.

13. what talents do you have?

Idk again. Writing seems to be up there.

14. are you psychic in any way?

No.

15. favorite song?

Changes all the time but currently? Way Down Hadestown, Rewrite the Stars, This Is Me, The Greatest Show, Epic (Part 3), Chant, Riptide, Take Me to Church.

16. favorite movie?

Power Rangers

17. who would be your ideal partner?

Uh, idk. Someone who likes to cuddle, doesn’t mind being affectionate but can give space when needed and doesn’t let me fall back on my own shit. Someone who can make me smile just by thinking about them. Someone who I can talk to about the stuff I enjoy and who will talk about the stuff they like, even if they’re not common interests.

18. do you want children?

Not really.

19. do you want a church wedding?

No.

20. are you religious?

No, but my dad wishes (and probably thinks) I am.

21. have you ever been to the hospital?

YEP! Gotta love asthma attacks and chronic sickness :P

Also occassional visits to my papa (rip) when my granny would go on vacation and placed him in the hospital’s care for brief times because of his dementia.

22. have you ever got in trouble with the law?

Nope.

23. have you ever met any celebrities?

None that I’m aware of.

24. baths or showers?

Showers.

25. what color socks are you wearing?

Black.

26. have you ever been famous?

Nope.

27. would you like to be a big celebrity?

Mmm, not really. All that attention seems terrifying. But like, if I could be, celebrity enough that I’m well-known among people and get good wages doing whatever, then yes.

28. what type of music do you like?

All kinds. I have aversions to stuff that picks at my ears wrong or makes my heart beat too fast, though, so a lot of hard metal and soca wind up being out.

29. have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yes. I was a toddler. Clothing means nothing when you’re a baby and live in a hot-ass humid climate.

30. how many pillows do you sleep with?

3

31. what position do you usually sleep in?

On my side or on my stomach. I’ve been trying to sleep on my back lately though.

32. how big is your house?

Small.

33. what do you typically have for breakfast?

Cereal.

34. have you ever fired a gun?

To my knowledge, yes.

35. have you ever tried archery?

Yes.

36. favorite clean word?

Shiz :D

37. favorite swear word?

Fuck.

38. what’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

29ish hours? I stayed up one day to chat with a person who lived in Australia, wound up having to go to the store with my mom around 8 to get school clothes and crashed when we got back home about noon/one o’clock.

Though this month should raise that up higher given I have to be up for my exams starting at 9, stay up to catch my early morning flight the next day and stay up to catch my transfer flight and then keep staying up so I don’t crash through dinner and wake up at like one in the morning, like someone with jet lag. (Bermuda and Halifax are literally in the same time zone, I cannot do this to myself)

39. do you have any scars?

Yes. It stretches shortly on my forearm. I got it from an iron burn when I was about 12, I think?

40. have you ever had a secret admirer?

I think so?? If that’s what you’d call whoever keeps sending me those really sweet anons. :D

41. are you a good liar?

Sometimes.

42. are you a good judge of character?

I’d like to think so.

43. can you do any other accents other than your own?

I can do a semi-decent Irish/Scottish accent from my years of obsessively watching Ronan Inish and a thicker, more prominent Bermudian accent, like what my granny or teachers would have.

44. do you have a strong accent?

I don’t personally think I have an accent. My mom is deaf, my dad is American and the kids and family I grew up around never really used the thick version of a Bermudian accent. 

45. what is your favorite accent?

I don’t know. I don’t think I have one? Mostly other accents are just the way people talk and if anything,  just amuse me. Like for example, my friend’s Bahamian accent kills me, especially when she starts chatting with her friends from Nassau and their accents start rolling out super thick to the point where you gotta really pay attention to zero in on their words.

But, in Bermuda you’re taught by literally anyone so accents are just?? a thing that exist. I don’t have a favourite.

46. what is your personality type?

MBTI wise, a split between INTJ & INTP. Other types? IDK.

47. what is your most expensive piece of clothing?

PFT, prolly my shoes? I don’t really buy clothes. Though if my cousin’s coat no longer fits by the time the cold really hits and I need to use it, it’ll probably be a winter coat.

48. can you curl your tongue?

Yes.

49. are you an innie or an outie?

Innie

50. left or right handed?

Right handed.

51. are you scared of spiders?

Small spiders? No.

Giant spiders? Yes.

Weird looking spiders? Only if they’re too close to me.

52. favorite food?

Pineapple pizza. Apple spice cake too, I guess??

53. favorite foreign food?

Chinese, please and thank you, hit me up with that sweet and sour chicken.

54. are you a clean or messy person?

I try to be clean but depression and lack of energy makes it difficult. But I keep myself as organized as I possibly can and use procrastination to keep stuff as well-put as I can.

55. most used phrased?

I don’t even know.

56. most used word?

I also do not know.

57. how long does it take for you to get ready?

Pft, 7 to 15 minutes to shower on average (depends on if I’m washing my hair or not), fives minutes for face and teeth, five minutes to dress and like three hours to actually get up to get ready. :P

58. do you have much of an ego?

I try very hard not to.

59. do you suck or bite lollipops?

Suck.

60. do you talk to yourself?

I used to when I was younger. Still do sometimes.

61. do you sing to yourself?

I used to and then I realized that a) my self-improvised songs are terrible and b) I can’t sing.

62. are you a good singer?

My mom is deaf. My dad has hearing difficulties. My papa’s singing voice is a wail and my granny’s is shrill sadness.

I was not born into this world a lucky man.

63. biggest fear?

Demon clowns. Dying alone. Being alone forever. Not getting to say the things I want to say to people. That I’ll crash and burn before I graduate or sometime soon after.

64. are you a gossip?

No.

65. best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

I dunno. The most dramatic movies I can remember tend to be war films based on true stories and I normally check out during that kind of stuff because thinking about the horrors of history and the fact that people suffered and died at the hands of people who still objectively exists freaks me out, sends me into a pit of misery until I combust within myself.

66. do you like long or short hair?

No preference for other people, short hair preference for myself. Currently, I’m growing it out so my friend can braid it then I’m gonna chop it back off when I get home in May.

67. can you name all 50 states of america?

If an American can’t do that, then what makes you think me, a Bermudian who’s only concern with the US is how it will affect me and my country and literally was over-relieved when I got dropped from a US history class, would ever know that.

Case in point, I spent most of my childhood assuming New Jersey was a city and only found out it wasn’t last year.

68. favorite school subject?

Accounting.

69. extrovert or introvert?

Introvert.

70. have you ever been scuba diving?

No.

71. what makes you nervous?

Life.

72. are you scared of the dark?

Depends.

73. do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Sometimes. It really depends on the person and the situation.

74. are you ticklish?

Yes.

75. have you ever started a rumor?

No.

76. have you ever been in a position of authority?

No.

77. have you ever drank underage?

Unfortunately, I have? but not anything serious. Just a few sips I didn’t want to take three times throughout my life.

78. have you ever done drugs?

Aside from my prescribed and despite my friends’ best efforts, no.

79. who was your first real crush?

Vanessa Hudgens and whoever that boy who played Freddie from iCarly was.

80. how many piercings do you have?

None.

81. can you roll your rs?“

Yes!

82. how fast can you type?

Who knows??

83. how fast can you run?

I can’t.

84. what color is your hair?

Dark brown with a bunch of purple & pink in it.

85. what color is your eyes?

Brown.

86. what are you allergic to?

Severely allergic to dust mites and extremely irritated by pollen and highly perfumed scents. Which, as far as I’m concerned, means I’m allergic to the damn air.

87. do you keep a journal?

Used to. Don’t anymore.

88. what do your parents do?

My dad is an electrician. He does freelance work for people building houses on-island and my mom is a records management administrator at my bank.

89. do you like your age?

I guess?

90. what makes you angry?

Lots of things. I’m very prone to anger. It’s why the Hulk/Bruce Banner was my favourite superhero as a kid and still is.

91. do you like your own name?

Yes! I do actually really like my name, which sucks because sometimes I get upset or uncomfortable when people refer to me by it and why I like it when people call me Jay, but otherwise my birth name is just beautiful and I don’t think I’d ever be able to give it up.

That being said, I super love the name Jay and when I finally move out of my house and away from Bermuda, I want to try using it more socially rather than just online.

92. have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I don’t want babies.

93. do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Neither. I want another cat.

94. what are you strengths?

I write well, I can speak well and my pale as fuck skin doesn’t let people realize I’m mixed race so, like my friends point out, I get to skirt around the world, practically invisible and I like to work.

95. what are your weaknesses?

Procrastination, tendency to misery over small mistakes, tendency to blow up small things into large problems, tendency to feel abandoned by people who are not abandoning me, inability to properly fall asleep when I feel a lack of affection and touch in my life, inability to listen to people when they ramble on about things I don’t care about, inability to be upfront with how I feel towards my friends and how I feel they’re treating me, etc, etc, etc.

96. how did you get your name?

With my birthname, my mom picked it out from a book, I think?

With my preferred name,I was reading a book about a trans man called “I Am J” and when I got prompted about my name by a friend online, the name just popped into my head, felt immediately right and I used it and connected to it right away.

97. were your ancestors royalty?

I mean I doubt it but I WILL NEVER KNOW.

My mom is black! My dad is adopted! HOWEVER, FINDING OUT ANY ANYTHING ABOUT HER ANCESTRY IS MY MOM’S NUMBER ONE GOAL AND BELIEVE ME, ONCE SHE LEARNS THAT, I WILL LET Y’ALL KNOW.

98. do you have any scars?

Hasn’t this already been asked?

99. color of your bedspread?

Blue and white.

100. color of your room?

Dull green.

[baek--honey]

1-50 bitch

well since u asked nicely how could i resist

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? paint/draw or the like, or knit maybe,

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you own/owned? MY HOT MOMS SHIRT THAT I LOST ;n; also the big grey hoodie i have & a pierce the veil shirt i borrowed from my gf that im never giving back :)

4. How often do you play sports? never

5. What fictional place would you most like to go to? The Digital World

6. What job would you be terrible at? probably anything involving extensive memorizing and maintaining information for long periods of time. so basically a lot of things…… or maybe like. working at starbucks cos i cant make coffee OR remember lots of drink recipes omg

7. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning a medal for? playing kingdom hearts 2 on easy mode. i would have a good chance at winning because all the people that are good at playing kingdom hearts are gaming elitists that think playing on easy is for losers and if you dont play on critical mode you arent a real gamer :)

8. What skill would you like to master? making an omelet OR knitting

10. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? some out of town adventure with my girlfriend where money and time dont matter 

11. If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would you change and why? uh i’d like to be less haunted by my traumatic past maybe! or be a few inches taller that would be cool i feel like both of these are pretty self explanatory 

12. What’s your favorite drink? W A T E R or milk tea 

13. What do you consider to be your best find? my girlfriend 

14. Are you usually early or late? way too early. too mcuh time i dont know what to do with it

15. What pets did you have while growing up? hm lets see i had a couple turtles, some fish, i had a gerbil that i got from a friend, an african grey named solomon, boston terrier named Tiny, two white boxers named Floyd & Lloyd, a mix named Macy, 4 chihuhuas named Dude, Pooty, Flout & Chief, and now we have a cat named Schrödinger :~), oh and an amstaff/dalmation mix named EL

16. When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with? anything and everything but never really asking for advice i guess? its more of them talking about a problem cos im easy to talk to and then me trying to help them come up to a solution if they need it

17. What takes up too much of your time? S L E E P I N G 

18. What do you wish you knew more about? cats!!!! also dogs cos i know a lot but i want to know more

19. What would be your first question after waking up from being cryogenically frozen for 100 years? why am i still alive?

21. Who’s your go-to band or artist when you can’t decide on something to listen to? seventeen or monsta x, exo’s LMR repackaged album

22. What shows are you into? the office, lost, honestly nothing thats still running on tv, i havent watched a show in forever, oh god wait does anime count cos i could write the longest list of anime i love: haikyuu, nge, digimon, noragami ,,,,,,

23. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? Seventeen (Hangul: 세븐틴), also stylized as SEVENTEEN or SVT, is a South Korean boy group formed by Pledis Entertainment in 2015. The group consists of thirteen members divided into three sub-units, 

24. What age do you wish you could permanently be? a dog mom & i hope i can make that wish come true

25. What would be your ideal way to spend the weekend? napping on and off in bed with my girlfriend and then going to town for sushi & milk tea and then uhhhhhhhhhhh coming back home to nap some more and then go out for noodles for another date :} oh and a dog would be involved if possible because cuddling dogs is best

26. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? physically writing and sending cards/letters in the mail i guess? i dont know if that really counts as doing something the old fashioned way but i definitely dont get as many cards or anything in the mail anymore. i also like to keep physical hand written to-do lists & schedules and stuff

27. What have you only recently formed an opinion on? how bad exo are at dancing  turtlenecks and scarves. they are good 

28. What’s the single best day on the calendar? october 10th my dogs birthday and also narutos birthday

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of? asmr??? 

30. What is the most annoying question that people ask you? “did u have a little lamb?” OR when my grandpa asks me anything about his iphone 

31. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on without absolutely no preparation? my dogs or seventeen. OR a half ass presentation about kingdom hearts, trying to explain it while getting around all the plot holes and not nailing down my arguments cos i dont really get it either and theres a lot i dont pay attention to but i could come up with 40 mins of info im sure

32. If you were a dictator of a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do? no waking until 10am. no crime or anything will be allowed ill figure out some way to make everything perfect so women can go out alone at night and not be afraid. no discrimination !! all the poc, lgbt, disabled, any minority  will be welcome and have safe spaces and any hate will be punished by law. also everyones allowed to have pets in their homes and no home goes without food or power. am i doing this right

33. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? travel out of your comfort zone. like physically travel somewhere and make the most of it but do it with someone cos the buddy system is important

34. What’s worth spending more on to get the best? jackets. i will pay up to 100$ for a good jacket and wear it forever cos itll be confirmed long-lasting and also most likely very comfortable!!!

35. What is something that a ton of people are obsessed with but you just don’t get the point of? i just want to point out that its not that i dont get the point of it because everyone has their likes and i have my own that other people dont i like that people are into whatever they want to be its just that i am Not into it. and that thing is yuri on ice

36. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years? being able to wake up every morning next to my girlfriend and out pets :~)

37. Where is the most interesting place you’ve been? corning museum of glass was super neat……. , dollywood, gatlinburg, chicago chinatown, idk i havent been to many interesting places 

38. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but just haven’t gotten around to? i wana get a tattoo !!!!!!!!

39. What’s the best thing that happened to you last week? getting a job interview at barnes & noble because now i have a job there!!!

40. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind so that you could experience it for the first time again? diamond edge chicago

41. If all jobs had the same pay and hours, what job would you like to have? all i really want is that job where im paid to sleep 

42. How different was your life one year ago? tbh not that much different?? other than i was in school and now im not. i didnt have a job and now i do. i was a year further away from moving 

43. What’s the best way to start the day? talking to my girlfriend and also let me just say that first pee in the morning. perfect

44. What quirks do you have? what are quirks exactly i looked up examples to help me think of some but all im thinking of is…i cant have the volume on my tv or radio on an even number it has to be on an odd number??? i have to sleep with a fan on. idk dude

45. What would you rate 10/10? [MV] 몬스타엑스 (MONSTA X) _ 걸어 (ALL IN)

46. What kind of art do you enjoy most? abstract w lots of colors and shapes. geometric stuff 

47. What do you hope never changes? my ability to collect myself (unless it gets better which then i hope it does), my passion for art of any sort

48. What city would you most like to live in? anywhere except charleston and somewhere thats not extremely highly populated

49. What movie title best describes your life? Scooby Doo 2 - Monsters Unleashed

50. What’s the best way a person can spend their time? sleeping or hanging out with their pet

[babygirlblogging-lise-blog]

My First

I failed my driving test. 

That was in the fall of 2017, I was a senior in high school. All of my friends were getting their licenses and cars while I was stuck being a passenger. The woman who failed me thought I wasn’t confident enough. Like damn, can’t even be nervous without being penalized these days huh? She failed me for the most ridiculous shit. But that has nothing to do with the story I plan on telling. 

A few weeks before my eighteenth birthday I tried again. This was something I needed to do before I turned 18. Giving up wasn’t an option. There was no way I wanted to retake my written if I didn’t pass before I was considered a legal adult. The guy who tested me this time? He was fine as hell and now that I think about it, I was supposed to text him when I turned eighteen. I lost his number, sadly. But that also has nothing to do with the story. I want to tell you the story about the first guy I-

-’ve always been cheap. I was ten when my aunt was going to get a new car. I convinced her to save her old car for me so that when I started driving I wouldn’t have to buy a car. By the end of the summer of 2017, my grandpa fixed up the old car and I was all good to go. Free to go wherever I wanted. I no longer had to wait around for people, waste money on lyfts or walk. So naturally, I took myself on adventures. 

One night, against my better judgement. I lied to my mom and said I was going to hang out with my friends. If I would have told her what I was really going to do, she would’ve gone into over protective mode and I didn’t want that. I just wanted some time to myself. I drove over the bridge and into Philly. Not for a concert or any other event. I just wanted some me time. I parked my car. Got oreo ice cream and sugar cookies from Insomnia Cookies and walked around the city. 

Not going to lie and say I knew exactly where I was at all times. I wasn’t even guaranteed that I was safe, I wasn’t focused on my surroundings. All I know is I was somewhere around Broad Street, because that’s where Insomnia Cookies was located. I came across this huge, gorgeous building, I’m not very good at names. Everything was lit up and there was art on the sides of some of the buildings surrounding it. There was even a fountain in front of it all. The scene just looked so beautiful. I walked across the street, hopped up on a ledge and just took it all in. It felt serene, even with so many people flooding the sidewalks. I sat and continued eating my snacks, I was enjoying clearing my head. Until someone interrupted me that is… 

“Hey.” I looked up to see a cute guy. There were a few girls not too far from me talking. It was the beginning of August, late at night but still pushing eighty degrees. Of course they were clad in clothes that left nothing to the imagination. I figured he was talking to them. Guys like the ones who look easy. He couldn’t have been talking to me. So I went back to dipping my cookie into my ice cream and admiring the scenery. I didn’t really acknowledge the fact that he moved a little closer to me. He said hey again and I finally looked up at him directly, before looking around. He laughed a little. “I don’t blame you for being that into ya snacks. I love their shit. But I’ve been trying to get your attention for a minute.” Yep, he’s definitely talking to me. I was confused as to why though. I get hit on by guys pretty often, I know I’m not ugly but with him talking to me, I felt extremely insecure. Suddenly I wished that I had dressed a little better. I looked like a child for fucks sakes. I was wearing a gold fish shirt, black tights, a hat that said “Hoodrats” and Chucks. I was even swinging my legs off the ledge, eating ice cream! 

He introduced himself as Dey. I wanted to know the name his mom gave him so I asked him for his full name. Ayinde. Pronounced Uh-zhen-day. Unique. It has African origins. He told me that my name was almost as pretty as I was. If I were white, I definitely would have blushed. I didn’t understand why he made me feel so shy. 

 I learned that he was mixed with Irish, Haitian and Cuban. Interesting mix, I know. Despite his slight baby face, he turned out to be 20. He was tall, about 6’1. He had taken his hat off to redo his ponytail, he tied his curly, brown hair back into a man bun. He was light skinned with a slight tan. Doe brown eyes paired with the cutest smile. He was dressed in all black, I would’ve been a little concerned if it weren’t for the logo on his hat. I could see a tattoo peeking out from under his short sleeved shirt. Just my type. 

I was tired of the small talk and beating around the bush. “Why’d you come over here to talk to me?” Instead of replying, the douche just smiled and then hopped up on the ledge next to me. It was weird. I was supposed to be having me time, if any other guy did this I would’ve been rude. I wouldn’t have given them the time of day. I wasn’t even afraid, Ayinde strangely made me feel safe. Something was telling me to give him a chance, instead of shutting him down. 

“Well, I was on break, I work across the street.” He points to a small cafe. “I saw you walk by and… I don’t know I thought you were beautiful. Now that I’ve gotten closer, it seems so effortless. No make up and you’re not even dressed up.”

Shit, I have no clue what to say to this. He’s been nice and respectful. “Thank you.” Well, that was lame but it was safe. We talked more before he had to go back to work. He was funny as hell, we both had the same rude, dark, sarcastic humor. He complimented me pretty often and he seemed kind of bummed that he had to leave once his break was over. 

“Why don’t you grow some balls and just ask me what you wanna ask me.” I thought to myself, I should be a fucking actress. I’m great at faking confidence. 

He laughed and just smiled at me for a second. “Well, I would like to get to know you more. Can I get your number?” 

You know when you give someone your number, you almost expect them to wait days or weeks to text you. Surprisingly, Ayinde texted me that night. 

AYINDE: hey beautiful, u get home safely?

ME: Oh shit, I see u found ur balls! 

AYINDE: lol yea yea yea. I know I was acting like a pussy earlier but that’s not how I usually am

***

AYINDE: FT me? I haven’t seen u since we met punk

ME: No I look crazy rn 

AYINDE: Is tht even possible? I think you’re cute af

ME: aww thanks but everyone’s entitled to their own insecurities

AYINDE: Ig but that’s y u need me 

ME: wym?

AYINDE: to take away your insecurities

ME: Doubt that’s possible 

AYINDE: try me

***

ME: entertain meee! I’m bored, stuck at my great grandma’s house :(

AYINDE: I literally just woke up, still in bed

ME: Luckyyy, my head’s fucking killing me

AYINDE: wish I could help

ME: me too lol do u have superpowers? 

AYINDE: no, do u?

ME: Nah I’m not tht awesome 

AYINDE: I think ur pretty awesome

Ayinde and I got closer over the next month. We hadn’t actually seen each other after the first time we met. He worked crazy hours and still had school. I worked everyday and had school as well. Plus, I wasn’t completely comfortable meeting up with a guy I didn’t really know. He understood that. He always made sure I was comfortable before we did anything. He eventually convinced me to facetime him… a lot... and when we didn’t he acted like a big baby.

ME: u happy now?

AYINDE: lol no

ME: y not -_-

AYINDE: I got nothing pretty to look at now

ME: whose fault it tht?

AYINDE: idk. Do u kno?

ME: Lol yea ik

AYINDE: tell me 

ME: yours :P

AYINDE: well if u came over we wouldn’t have this problem

I was a very late bloomer. I knew freshmen girls who got pregnant, meanwhile I hadn’t had my first kiss until I was 16. I didn’t start dating until 17. I was a fresh 18 and I was still a virgin. I waited a while to tell him because I liked him and didn’t want to scare him off. But he surprised me, I learned that he wasn’t like other guys. Most guys only want you for one thing. And that’s to get them off. Not all are gonna be lovey dovey when you’re not putting out. 

ME: I hate being a girl. I think my uterus just exlpoded. Im dying

AYINDE: Aww u can’t die yet, I havent taken u out yet

ME: wut do u want from meee

AYINDE: I told u what I want 

ME: hmmmm

AYINDE: i didnt? 

ME: u could have an ulterior motive

AYINDE: lol what? Ayo y cant I just think ur gorgeous and want to get to kno u, find out who u r

***

He was very protective of me. Anytime I even looked a tiny bit sad or sounded off, he was ready to beat someone up for me. 

AYINDE: ur awake? 

ME: Yea just woke up on some bs 

AYINDE: u good?

ME: yea im ok lol

AYINDE: u sure? I’ll fuck someone up

ME: lol yea im good now

And as the oldest, always looking out for my little brothers and my friends. It felt good to have someone looking out for me for a change. 

***

ME: I move into college tmw nd I aint pack shit yet

AYINDE: ur bugging

ME: Pack 4 me?

AYINDE: lol ill pass

ME: my back hurts like all hell, some of this shit is heavy

AYINDE: what u carrying…?

ME: 4 one, I hav a lot of clothes, they add up nd I had to take em downstairs

AYINDE: lol whoakay wittle wone

ME: fuck u, this shit weighs more than me! I almost fell down the stairs!

AYINDE: thts cuz ur like 87 lbs

ME: Aye! Give me my props, im like 120

AYINDE: lol i see u killa

I fucking loved when he called me that, made me feel invincible. 

Despite how it seems this isn’t a love story. This isn’t a memoir about me finding my first love. Bleh. That’s so sappy. I want to tell you about the first time I stepped out of my comfort zone. You’ve experienced a snippet of our relationship. Ayinde and I were never together. We were just people who met at the wrong time. Had too much going on in our separate lives to focus on developing a relationship. But it didn’t stop us from pursuing the unique friendship we had. For years we maintained contact, I’d visit him pretty often but we always kept our distance when it came to personal things. We used each other as escapes from our realities. We were each other’s vacation after a long week. 

One night we were hanging out and things got more heated than they usually did. I wasn’t prepared to take the next step with anyone. No worries, I’m not about to make you uncomfortable and talk about how I lost my virginity because that isn’t the point. Before I say anything, I did have a great childhood. But some things did leave me scarred, I struggled with intimacy as a result. To make a long story short, it makes me self conscious, not something I’ll flaunt for the whole world to see. 

I’m the type of girl who will wait until the bathroom is empty to change my pad or start going to the bathroom. If it’s too busy, I’ll wait all day until I go home. In the locker room, I’d find the farthest corner or wait until all the girls leave to change my clothes. I’m not comfortable being alone around men. I used to clench my pocket knife in my hand when I walked home alone at night. The list goes on. 

The point of this memoir is to tell about the first time I felt completely comfortable in my own skin. Let alone, around a guy. 

They were everywhere. Trailing from my neck and back up against mine. His lips were distracting. I could barely focus. Let alone notice that the both of us were wearing less and less clothing by the minute. I stopped. 

I wouldn’t be able to handle him not liking what he saw. What if I did a bad job? What if he stopped talking to me?

“Do you want me to stop?” Ayinde pulled back from me looking concerned. He looks so cute right now. I kind of wanted to pick up where we left off. 

“Ye-No. It’s just, can you turn the lights completely down?” He liked his room dim, not too bright or dark. It was normally perfect but at that moment, they were making this situation turn into a nightmare.

“Um, why? What’s wrong?” He’s still hovering above me. I didn’t really want him to move. I bit my lip, contemplating. 

“Just don’t look at me any differently. Okay?” I pulled him down by the back of his neck and kissed him hard. Hoping that my issues with myself wouldn’t be a big deal, I’ve never gone this far with anyone. 

When the time came. I held my breath. Okay, I see my pants on the floor near the dresser. My shirt is near the door. I was locating my clothing so that I’d be able to leave quicker. I’m not really one to feel embarrassed but this was going to be borderline humiliating if I wasn’t enough for him. This reminded me of how I felt when I failed my driving test, but I wanted to do this with Ayinde. I didn’t want to quit just because I hadn’t grown the balls to show anyone else. I didn’t want to miss out because I was nervous as to what he might think. I had to at least give him a chance. 

What Ayinde did shocked me. Instead of being grossed out or losing his hard on. He didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t say anything. He kissed every part of my body and when he was done he leaned down to kiss my lips. I was worried, about him seeing all of me, for no reason. He wound up giving me the confidence I needed to be comfortable in my own skin. He told me what I needed to hear from a guy that I was into, not my parents: 

“You’re beautiful.”

And just like that... I didn’t have anymore insecurities.