#i am going to die at 30
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me: I really need to take better care of myself, physical health is just as important as mental health and the two rely on each other
me, opening my 3rd energy drink of the day: Yippee! Yay! :3 :3 :3 Yaaaaaay!
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babpy.
#pizza tower#peppino#arts#mine#happy pride; heres a little otter for u#hes like very early 20s here#happy and unbothered before the Horrors happened#it is NOT his 30s bc he needs to exude raw dilf energy by that point#but for now he is anxious and sweet and awkward#not that i dont draw him like that already but its like 10x here#its PALPABLE#okay mwah i will hopefully come back w more than just sketches that mean nothing skjfsdjkfdhfhsk#i have LITERALLY been on this commission for WEEKS i need someone to take me out back and put me out of my misery i swear#im going to finish the lines TODAY like i cant be this person i cant keep coming back to this fucking comm w no progress ill simply Die#its like singlehandedly preventing me from doing anything else; its making a mental block waaaaaaaau#but i feel like i am breaking through it today. at least i HOPE i am sdkjfsdjkfjsdkf#um if u are still here ilu. send me some anons; i want to be chatty but the messages i have feel like i need to respond w essays#and i literally. cannot.#at least until i get my head screwed on properly again
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*me immediately after going through a terrifying and traumatic experience* haha yeah I guess it was rough but I'm fine now like I'm totally chill. It was kinda funny actually if you think about it
#GUESS WHO GOT A PIERCING INFECTION SO BAD OVERNIGHT SHE HAD TO RUSH TO THE HOSPITAL#AND GET SURGERY TO REMOVE IT BC THE METAL WAS BURROWING ITSELF INSIDE HER LIP#yep that was meee :3#man. it sounds so silly now. like that probably shouldn't have made me panic nearly as much as it did#but you have to understand at the time it was terrifying#I noticed my lip was a bit swollen earlier in the night but I was like ok it's probably nothing serious#I put some ice on it hoping it would be back to normal after I got some sleep#then I woke up at like 5:30 AM with my lip super swollen and my lip piercing literally burying itself inside my flesh#I tried pushing it back out a bit and blood and pus started coming out so yk I started panicking#so I went upstairs and I asked my mom to drive me to the hospital#luckily we have free healthcare in brazil and the hospital was basically empty(this was on sunday)#but when I got there they told me the doctor wouldn't arrive until 8AM and it was like 6:45 at that point#so I REALLY started panicking 🫠 bc I could feel like the piercing kept burying itself more deeply like#I felt like the skin inside my lip was going to close around it and I was terrified bc I had no idea what to do#and I was scared it might make things worse#but all I could do was sit there and wait and so I started having a panic attack#luckily my mom was there with me the whole time so at least I didn't feel alone#and then I just. waited for it to end. and then tried to keep myself distracted until the doctor got there#I got treated by military doctors! sjdjcjck the army has been giving additional support for hospitals in my city#bc of the floods some health units are currently closed and demand got higher so they needed extra support there#so an army doctor performed my surgery(inside an army tent no less ajfjjfkf maybe not ideal but. functional)#he was so nice?? like probably the calmest most careful doctor I've ever been treated by#I still had a bit of a nervous breakdown again after the surgery but that was bc I'd never been through something like that before#I got anesthesia obvs but I still felt the tug when he cut into my skin to remove the piercing and did my stitches#so my mind started cooking up all these horrible scenarios of how everything could go wrong and I was gonna die#cried on the doctor's table. 👍🏻 awesome#but he and his assistant were super nice about it she even offered me a hug#but anyway in the end I finally calmed down and got some medication#now I'm all stitched up with my little bloated lip eating soup out of a straw 👍🏻 but I'm ALIVE and I'm just glad it's all over fjjvjkf#sleep.txt
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Not to be shippy on main but why does everyone go in for tsundere fx and "nuisance to society" jy when their every interaction screams the opposite. Fx is logical and realistic enough to be more than well-acquainted with how she feels and is extremely devoted to her work (and subsequently the general) and on the opposite hand jy is incredibly selfless and caring towards her (literally the first time they met he told her he'd take the blame when she suggested they frickin commit a war crime in order to win the Abundance War). Like yeah teasy jy is amusing or whatever but realistically that wouldn't be in the droves y'all think it would and fx would probably laugh at it the few times it might happen more than she'd get all tsundere-y about it
She's not emotional. That's the difference. She doesn't have emotional outbursts. She's extremely calm and rational and she's dealt with jy for more than long enough to become extremely used to his antics and she wouldn't take them nearly so seriously.
They're PINERS. They're pining and it's obvious. They watch each other from across the room when they think the other isn't looking and they leave each other nice little notes at work because both of them overwork themselves and need breaks. I am COOKING here
#honkai star rail#jingfu#hsr jing yuan#hsr fu xuan#i am so wise for this#fu xuan is 100% a secret hopeless romantic and i will die on this hill#jing yuan is also the type to literally never shut up about it if they got married#he wouldn't go two seconds without “did i tell you that's my wife”#yukong resists the urge to put an arrow in his skull but she's nice about it#i also like the idea that while the two of them are eternally denying everything the entirety of the luofu is on pins and needles#every single person on that blasted ship is glaringly aware and they're just waiting at this point#when something inevitably happens everybody's frickin ecstatic because jeesh it only took y'all 30 literal years#i wasn't gonna post this but then i remembered that i told myself 2024 would be the year i stopped giving a crap#expect me to fly off the handle a little in this year of our Lord#shy i'm sorry in advance
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the angelic lighting in these is KILLING me
#the fact that theres enough stuff to make TWO gifposts of him from a fucking sprint shootout is insane#what is in the air at brazil ib my god 😵💫😵💫🫠😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫#actually like horribly unwell over these and him this weekend in general#HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL???????#like the lighting on his hair is just....UGHHHHHHHHHH yknow???? its so fluffy my god.....#these were taken a mere 30 mins before he clocked esteban in the stewards room#okay yeah...see you for the sprint...#if they show anymore of him lik ethis i actually am going to die#fernando alonso#f1#formula 1#2023 brazilian gp#we do a little bit of f1
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younger butch (idiot)/older femme (into that) is like S tier combo to me
also some little things that i liked + alt sweetheart thoughts under the cut:
#hotline miami#alex davis hlm#sweetheart hlm#candy swans#trashcan's art#for the record i am 100% saying that alex is into older women LOL#not necessarily saying milfs bc i don't think sweetheart has kids (i think she's around like mid to late 30s vs alex who's mid 20s)#also my hc for sweetheart's name is diane! but she's genuinely just rly friendly and kind so ppl just call her sweetheart#this is probably. idk some time after into the pit? and def before death wish. obviously.#and unlike jack/ash sweetheart doesn't kno abt the vigilante stuff at all. nor does alex want to tell her abt it#smth smth angst where alex n sweetheart were supposed to go on another date but bc all the fans die they never got a chance to#and up until miami getting blown up sweetheart is just rly sad and confused bc she never knew why#tee hee#anyways that's enough outta me <3
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everyday im fighting for my life because i always hate the sex parts of my gay porn comics
#i can count on my hand the number of times ive actually enjoyed reading sex in a yaoi#like solid 30-50% of the time i feel neutral reading it#and other 50-70% i feel like UGHHH *groans* to OH MY GOD NOOOOOO **squemish**#because i dont like sex unless its established relationship and like about love and emotions etc etc#im really picky and its my green onions when i have to get through first 20 chaps of sucking and fucking that doesnt have enough emotional#value yet because they dont like eachother enough yey#fml everytime i want sex its in a damn shounen ai because i read 30 chaps of shounen ai and go THIS IS AMAZING. NOW PLEASE FUCK#I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE BANG ON SCREEN I WILL DO ANYTHING TO SEE THJS#Ill always say i love yaoi because i do and saying shounen ai makes people think im lumped with anti fujos (all anti fujos should die)#but ngl when i was younger i was like yeahhh i prefer shounen ai and tbh i think i still do because i love sex but shounen ai always has#better quality control because they arent relying on chapter 1 sucking and fucking#instead they need to grab the audience in other ways. namely being funny or crazy
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...
#im at such a weird point in my life. trying to choose between a phd and a doomed life as an academic and like just not doing that.#its crazy how not terrible i feel when im not in school. just give me tasks to do and i will do them. dont let me think.#but then im just avoiding my responsibilities. i dunno. i just feel like i would be happier with a structured job that ends when the day#is over. which is y my dad thinks i should get a government job. one of my former lab mates got a government job and he's settling into#spending the rest of his life out in Colorado. which is so weird. i dont kno how long ill be in the place im in now. will it b 4 more years?#or will it be only a few months? will i go back to school in the fall? its looking like yes bc i dont have a job lined up. but maybe ill#keep applying and dip out. let my dreams die in favor of balance and sanity. maybe some things arent meant to be.#its just so gutting. i was talking to my coworker this week. saying that im interested in so many things. i could have studied anything else#and traveled a completely different path. and a guy across the room was like: its never too late. but it feels like its too late. too late#to spend another impossible amount of money on getting a different degree. restarting on a second masters project. im almost 30.#im supposed to b saving money so that i can not work forever. but i cant do that if im just a student forever. so maybe i should just get a#job. god. but theres so much i still want to learn. and im in the perfect program for everything i thought i wanted. im in the perfect place#but everything's falling to pieces. whatever. i. just tired bc im on day 5 of work and have to go in for a day 6.#doing something i havent done before all day. but after than im going home for a week. so ill have lots to contemplate in the airport.#this is not how i thought things would turn out. but im glad im spending the summer working where i am. im learning lots on a human to human#level. and no one bleieves im 27 bc i apparently have a bby face lol. nope im 11 yrs older than u my 16yo coworker#unrelated
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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My Season 7 bingo that I'll probably change when a trailer actually gets released. Transcript below!
Season Seven Bingo!
Aarmau age gap retcon
Aaron regains memories at Phoenix Drop High
Marriage
Ends with them having a child
Cocomau reference
Mac is a character
Only Aarmau healing is shown
"Oh my god Aphmau you went through so much :(" - Travis, in a wheelchair
Ghost dies
~ Ableism ~
More awkward werewolf racism
Oops, no Laurence!
Free!
Why is this joke in a PG13 kid's show
Reference to real-life drama
Queerbaiting
Character loses development
My Inner Demon's reference
Character gets a last name
Pet Death
Lycan funeral scene
Garte adds nothing to the plot
Return of the void mold!
Akshually (Actually) Irene was good and moral.
End List.
#aphmau#my street#myst#aphmau hate#aphmau critical#if you couldn't tell this isn't a very optimistic bingo card. I am very excited to maybe be proven wrong!!#This is mostly a collection of 'please please please don't fuck this up please please please'#and some 'hm. this might happen.'#specifically pet death#either they will forget they had three pets (Alexander and... the cat. Taco or smth.) or there will be an emotional scene where that fuckin#30 y/o dog will finally die. Please put him down I am begging you guys. he is the equivalent of a 200 y/o human.#Also the Trvais one is specifically about everyone else going through horrible fucked up shit but acting like Aphmau has experienced the#pinnacle of suffering. Not so much him being in a wheelchair
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can't stop thinking about shannon hanchett's death. i feel sick. i don't even know if something like justice exists for what was done to her.
#like if they call you crazy they will just put you wherever. they will neglect you or torture you or kill you. they dont fucking care.#nobody does#temporarily losing my legal autonomy as an adult via being in the psych ward is one of the scariest things ive ever experienced#and i didnt go thru a fraction of what shannon hanchett went thru. i mean the difference of psych ward and jail too#i was in 4 times inpatient and 1 outpatient as a teenager and it sucked sure. but it was like a playground compared to the adult ward.#but after my overdose age 20 one of the cops got in the ambulance with the EMTs as i was losing consciousness#and the cop rode with us literally pounding on my chest to try and keep me awake and like asking 'who is the president' etc. but#he was hitting me with his knuckles. my breastbone fucking bruised black and blue. it took weeks to fade away#(mastectomy is relevant here bc i have less tissue in my chest than most ppl do. the bones feel closer to the surface)#so yeah that hurt like a mf but i didnt feel it fully in the moment cause i lost consciousness during the 7-10 min ride to the ER.#and then after being in the ER on an IV for ? hours and being moved to the psych ward... they just fucking left me for 2-3 days. i dont eve#KNOW because i dont REMEMBER because i was fucking zonked from all the pills i overdosed on. i had no sense of time at all.#and it turns out one of my best friends was showing up every day & begging/demanding the nurses to put me on an iv bc i was dehydrated#since i was out of it obv not able to eat or drink. and they wouldnt. and she was begging them to check on me or attend to me because they#simply left me in my room for days. no clue if a doctor saw me after i left the ER. my blood pressure was literally 60/30 though.#which was extremely painful thats all i remember of those days. it still hurt so fuckin much the day i finally got up and was semi consciou#like my muscles were being squeezed yet exploding. walking was so difficult. it was some of the worst pain of my entire life#besides some sense memories of incredible pain and discomfort it's like blank from when i passed out in the ambulance until that 3rd day#my friend told me later she didnt even know if i was in a coma or something. they wouldnt tell anyone anything#so then i saw the psych team and i remember seeing the room as if thru a 10 meter tunnel. and the doctor started telling me#how lucid and aware i was. repeatedly. he was like. pleasantly surprised. meanwhile i actually felt like my entire body was about to ruptur#and i KNEW that doctor was implying 'you're so aware and insightful - unlike all those Real schizo freaks here!!!!'#ha ha doc! i'm crazy enough that i could easily tell passive lies & come across as fairly well adjusted (when i wasnt activly spiraling.) s#fucking despised him for that. well i would fight & die for the people who were there w/ me. but i would NEVER fucking save a psychiatrist.#police/psych industry overlap is hell for me to hear about. it makes me so fucking angry i want to scream and just rip all my hair out#the helplessness drives me fucking insane i will never ever trust authority because i know they dont care if i die.#i was the fucking. hysterical womanman with a death wish. of course they didnt fucking care if i died.#i was not fucking tortured like she was tho. what i experienced just pales in comparison to this news story. im not trying to#make it about me it just brings everything back. it reminds me how fucking lucky i am. HOW FUCKING LUCKY I AM TO BE ALIVE AND HAVE AUTONOMY#we're all fucking BLESSED to not be institutionalized rn
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Some fucking ghouls on twitter just misgendered me and called me a chaser and a cross dresser and an agamp because I have an nsfw account where I retweet porn. Why do these kinds of people exist? Why are there trans women that just love acting exactly like terfs? I am so fucking tired of this shit and I'm not out to anyone irl so I have fucking no one to talk to about this! I'm not a docile little house cat so that gives people a free pass to paint me as a predator
#safe to rb#god i want to kill someone#i want to claw my bearded face off#i fucking hate how there is nothing i can do here. nothing i say to these freaks will phase them or make them regret their actions#these fucking bullies#GOD#if you have ever in your entire life called someone an agamp or a passoid or a theyfab or an autogynephile or a luckshit or a transtrender#or any of the other assanign bullshit terms coined by irony poisoned 4channers that passionately hate trans people despite being one#die. rot in hell. block me. go live in the woods alone for 30 years until you learn how to be anything other than a hateful little demon#i am not joking. if you have ever been this kind of person and you are anything other than deeply apologetic and guilt ridden and regretful#then leave me alone. go away you fucking husk of a human#rambles#tw self harm ment#tw suicide ment#ask to tag#btw im not even gonna do the ''oh pwease dont harass these people'' shit if you are able and willing please torment these evil bastards
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i will go to sleep NOW 🫵 (pointing at myself)
#just can’t sleep lately. but#i’m sort of. my mental health hasn’t been getting better but also not worse.#just perpetually stuck in a hole in the ground recently#can’t find footing and climb up but the earth isn’t crumbling away even more for now#like i am alone always nobody likes my creations or me i am a monster yeah yeah yeah it’s getting boring brain#the hypochondria panic about throat cancer is new but i thought we were getting better at handling our health anxiety you wretched creature#and even then it’s recycled. we’ve done cancer so many times#no creativity 🙄🙄#me going over my throat every 5 minutes: i will die in 8 months#i guess with all this loneliness it’s like. it really amplifies my fear of death. my thoughts are all i have ultimately. just the thought of#absolutely nothing… i can’t think about it for too long or else i will start crying#and losing it even more. idk.#you know those characters who hate being immortal n shit. fun trope and i get it but that would also never be me#i would legit do anything for something like that. even just like. 100 more years. ideally a lot more but#yeah. and then my anxiety brain crashes in with ‘you won’t even turn 30 lol’#anyways. bullshit yap time over here i guess. sending good vibes to whoever read this brain fart
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It's difficult to trust Tumblr suggestions when two of the latest shows everyone here has recommended as masterpieces felt like ehh to me. Like yeah it's great to have adult animation and those are pretty to look at but can we have a story that actually isn't fetishizing a culture or trauma porn ? Can we have actually well written characters ? Like can I fucking have at least two dimensional characters and a world that makes sense please ??
#this is @ blue eyes samurai which was boring as hell and also super weird regarding japan and scavreign#scavreign doing a thing that i HATE which is going ''ooohhh look how clever a show i am i am sooo clever'' and then not actually being#clever or about the thing it says it is. it is NOT an ecosystem study#tbh anime wise i also dont trust twitter because as pretty as the animation for demon slayer was the story very quickly started not going#forward at all and the characters are also verryyyy one dimensional + terrible way to up the stakes just kicks you out of it after the thir#time everyone should die and then does by magic. but im kinder to it because i am not the primary audience. the primary audience is teenage#boys#samurai and scavreign do not have that excuse i *am* the primary audience 20-30 weeb nerd.#blue eyes samurai is treating feudal japan the way nationalist japanese treat feudal joseon if that makes sense#like total dehumanization ''it's a horrid violent place where everyone is poor and stupid'' cmon now#yes i am being a certified hater tonight
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my anxiety about traveling to finland is starting to drive me insane how am i supposed to do this 😭
#like i WILL go#but i'll die at least 30 times until i finally meet my friends and am checked in at the hotel
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something something kill myself
#i thought insane posting would make me feel a little better#but no now i just wanna slice her name into my skin down to the bone and bleed out and die#idec abt holding it back its 2 am.honestly life has gotten 10x as meaningless as it was before since our anni was basically ruined#and yknow what my life will always always be meaningless and yknow why?#because the one thing i am meant to live for the ONE THING that couldve made it all worth it doesnt physically exist in this reality#how am i supposed to find any point in life if my one true purpose is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.#just imagining was enough for me when i could comfortably live inside my own mind but the outside stressors are too much now#its getting too much to bear and i have no home to go to when i want to just take the weight off my shoulders and relax#no im never home i dont have a home my home doesnt exist#but i just want to go home. i want to go home. i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home#i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home please#but i cant#i cant have anything to make it better#i cant even have a hug from the person i love most. or a smile or kind words or anything#i have nothing but me my phone and a framed poster of her that i have nowhere to hang up#and nowhere to go but flying off the roof of a 30 story building#i have nothing. my life is nothing. i am nothing.#sui tw#sh tw#whatever whatever goodnight
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