#i am hellishly insecure about this

[andthebubbles]

Pairing: Seb/Kimi

Summary: At twenty-seven, Seb has never seen fireworks before in his life.

Warning: character death (sort of/entirely yes… but also sort of no, but yes…)

A/N: robot Seb!

[theninjasanctuary]

Things I've been up to: wrapping up work for the summer, which mostly amounts to procrastinating as hard as I can while work deadlines overwhelm me. But I also did a one-day work trip, which was pretty ok since I had a lot of free time and managed to visit the university botanical garden I'd never been to, whilst their peonies and irises were in full bloom, then attended the traditional roof terrace party at work on graduation day (nice relaxed mood, drinks and good conversations, talked to my boss about future plans, etc.). Then, it finally rained! For a day and not enough to undo the drought (lawns are scorched), but just about enough to have a small and carefully supervised bonfire for solstice celebration. And a nice little garden party in a small, mellow company to match.

As usual, urges to stock up on winter gear this time of year. Bought a vintage argyle Pringle sweater (nostalgic reasons, I had one in cashmere) and merino leggings from Sellpy. The sweater was very cheap, also pretty dirty (it's loose fit, so no sweaty armpits or anything, but the label at the back looked like there'd been dozens of wears without a wash), and it has a few small moth holes, which I'm about to repair (went to the fantastic fabric, etc. warehouse store to source yarn for this yesterday - also got 1 mm silicone thread and a few more semiprecious stone beads and made myself a bracelet, should go back to get silver-plated wire to make matching earrings). Thinking I might wash it once more after repairs.

Did I need it? No. Am I going to wear it? Occasionally, I guess (it's not as soft as some others I have, even though it's supposedly fancy super geelong wool). I really need to start listing some things for sale, because my wardrobe is making me feel a little overwhelmed, but guilty feelings over needing to get work done instead are holding me back. And I keep trying to patch up the insecurity with shopping for "useful things" like good, warm clothes.

Also placed a Momox order (warm Ecco boots - am still inexplicably into the "has horses" vibe -, sleeveless silk shirt to hopefully wear under cardigans, and a light Muji silk/cotton knit because I should know better, but don't). And repurchased a couple of things from The Ordinary, too. Mostly because it's clear we're not going to Japan this summer. Gonna aim for doing the sensible thing, saving up and going when flights are cheaper and it's not hellishly hot and humid. Might go to France instead, but nothing is certain yet. Still, it ought to be so much cheaper that it's probably not a problem.

Apart from too little rainfall (hopefully things will keep improving in this regard, there was some more rain yesterday), the weather has been somewhat less hot than in the last few summers, thankfully. The nighttime temperatures have stayed under 20° C, which means I can cool the apartment down even during the shortest midsummer nights, and thereby maintain a semblance of sanity.

[aajjks]

mi!jungkook I feel like I'm not your ideal type! You're just so appealing. . . from the softness of your eyes to the masculine build of your body. . . . The thoughts are running through my mind, making me insecure, and so inferior. . . I'm driving myself crazy to the brink! there's me, a short chubby potato, with extremely thick thighs and arms, and there's you. . . you're a walking greek god! you're so slender so buff and so hellishly good looking! you deserve someone who's pretty of your level. I don't fit with you. . . I feel ashamed to even stand next to you these days. . . what others say is right jeonseol's dad, I'm no where near you. . . you'll get bored of me in no time.

“Ms y-y/n what’s wrong? WHAT?!?? Y-You are my wildest dream, you are epitome of my dreams… please I’m so in love with everything about you that it hurts… you are my princess, my queen! I love you so much that I am going insane… the things that make you insecure about yourself… I love them about because they make you, you. And they can’t be you! And I’m just so selfishly in love with you… you are my everything. I feel like dust infront of you, every one envies you because you’re God’s greatest creation, I believe in God because only a supreme being like him can create a masterpiece that’s you.”

[notmjbad]

i don’t mean to come across as rude, i am genuinely unsure - did i ever promise you anything?

disregard the previous wording - this required more thought and less bitterness than i allowed it.

to answer your question, yes and no. i can say certainly that it was an overpromise and underdeliver sort of situation. but it is more complicated than that, as it must be.

i had a tarot reading on new year's night this year, from an acquaintance at the place of a good friend of mine. i asked (very drunkenly) about love and you and the future of whatever we had (what i now call, i believe most appropriately, our relation), because what else was i to ask about? i don't specifically remember which cards she drew, but i do remember that in relation to myself, she said to 'be careful' for some reason (possibly related to my own new beginnings, to pay attention etc.), and in relation to you and us that it was good and pure, and that there was something in the future. the caveat to this, as there always is, was her speaking from the cards and her own personal experience. she started by comparing her age (19) to yours and what you might be going through considering that. she used one or both of the words 'security' and 'stability', to describe what it is that you might want in a relation with someone (from which you can extrapolate quite crucially 'congruence' and 'reliability'). this, of course, made me think.

you had some new beginnings too, i.e., new city, new friends, etc., etc. and some sort of enacted security on which to rely would, i suspect, have been welcomed from the right person. though, that person has to have it themselves, be able to give it, and want to give it. perhaps a longer list than it looks.

'insecurity' is the definitional opposite to 'security' (as 'incongruence' is to 'congruence'). this could be a word used to describe myself, and accurately at that. there is a past, or a past version of myself (one i am not proud of) that i am moving away from. and the break is still not entirely clean. the only surprise to me is that it has taken me so long as it has to realise it in this context. i mean, what else is this writing right now (and all that surrounds it) but almost a certain kind of insecurity?

this leads me to the problem that we were mutually attempting to solve, albeit possibly in a kind of individual way. i pose that it was something like 'the creation of something beautiful between two willing (and able!) participants that would allow itself to be propagated and maintained into the future and would also allow the participants to be perfectly and exquisitely intimate with one another in a way that could only be described as loving and romantic'. even if you only originally got bumble as a joke. nothing about you was a joke to me (except the actual jokes).

so, perhaps i took you too seriously, perhaps i took myself too seriously, perhaps both. probably both. in any case, fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

which leads me to the problem or problems we created (believe it or not). there were lies between us. and quite crucially, most of our ideas of each other were fantasy. helpful when true, terribly, hellishly unhelpful when false. i know i lied to you about who i was, whether it be omitting or ignoring certain things that i thought you would find distasteful. perhaps i even said one thing while meaning another once or twice. the kicker is that i'm rather convinced you did the exact same thing, judging by how you told me that you act. enacted, this kills relations, especially new ones, irreparably. i suppose that this is what really finished it between us. after all, if it was not something on the surface (which it was not), it was what was lurking just below.

to explain my bitterness, it was for the fact that i was (or you were) never given the chance to exercise any of these 'fantasies' in reality. i wanted to know that i was right, that my presuppositions were correct and that i could really start something with you. i wanted to know that your presuppositions about me were right, so that perhaps i could start something with myself, that was new and 'good'. i don't often like using this word, but it was ego to blame and egotistical to operate this way. for that, and to blame you entirely for what was (as i see it) both our failings (but mainly mine), i'm sorry.

how i see what you did can be put into one word: 'anticipation'. i recall once again to the fantasies that i described. you knew that they were fantasies, and you kept a clear head about it (as far as i can see) the entire time. and you watched them, the ones i had for you, the ones you had for me. maybe you didn't always like all of them, and maybe the list of fantasies 'unacceptable' (for many reasons) grew a little too long. i'll guess (and i may be very wrong, but it is imprudent not to put here) that you had some for me that you found yourself intensely drawn to, almost scarily, that you may have ignored completely or accepted and put aside. some sinful ones, perhaps. i will say that that is what made you call me the other week (and i'm glad i answered it). but the problem truly lay in the fantasies i had for you, or a mix of both. you could, and did, honestly anticipate what i would be and how i would be towards you in reality. and just a bit too many little things went wrong in the course of our relation for you to stop every now and then, and judge me absolutely silently. it occurs to me that i didn't often hear you judge me, unless i asked. whether it was to avoid truth or untruth, or both, it is by definition a case-to-case sort of situation.

to conclude, it seems to me that we were playing our cards close to our chests. and perhaps it is not something that people who are drawn to each other can naturally do for four months of essentially just texting (which i will not say that i didn't enjoy, ever). i feel that we burnt each other out, and i must admit that i saw it from the beginning. maybe i am as professional a pretender as you. there is also part of me that misses you, and the talking/roleplaying/music/judgementality/love/pa(ranoia)ssion, etc. and you were truly intellectual, a sharper wit in a woman i have not encountered. that is truly, truly, a/the loss, for me personally, anyway.

but what is communication for, if not truth?

p.s. my room is set up properly, now.

[alloftheimaginesblog]

Gorillaz and The Neighbourhood

GORILLAZ: Who’s your favorite musician?

currently, my favourites are Tom Odell, The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, Halsey. overall… i’d say noel gallacher or johnny cash

THE NEIGHBOURHOOD: What’s your biggest insecurity?

my skin. like i said in a previous ask, i have a skin condition that’s gotten really bad again and i am hellishly insecure about it. i can’t show my arms or legs anymore because i feel so ugly with it. need to go back to the hospital for it :(

[mathematicianadda]

...it goes like this: the^4, the^5, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled student scribbles all these form-ulaaaas...

Disclaimer: I'm an Aspie, so while in my mind this makes perfect sense, it may come off as rambling and verbose, for which I have been gunned down and mocked repeatedly on Reddit, (since there are many who like to take their insecurities out on others) I do apologize for that inconvenience. I want to be able to communicate effectively enough to where I can get some results, so here we go...

Disclaimer and dumb title aside, I want to major in mathematics, but I'm not sure what area of study would be best. Aside from high school, a brief stint in college when I was 16, (toss a 16 year old in college, and you can guarantee they won't know what they want), and a background in emergency medicine, I don't have much experience with hellishly long bouts of formal academia. However, I am self-taught in quite a few disciplines. Brass tacks, I'm not interested in doing some dude's taxes, or teaching high school algebra. As far as my proclivities, I'm naturally good at permutations, combinatorics, summations, set theory, creating permutation ciphers that allow for different languages, with the ability to weave them together.... And for the fun of it, I like making algorithms for just about everything. As a side note, in my mind, precision is everything. I love linear algebra, algebraic theorem, and pretty much anything that gets all of the clutter and bullshit out of the way so I can get right down to the meat and potatoes of an idea. I don't like to solve one problem, I like to either use an existing solution, or come up with one, and as many variations of it, for an entire series of problems. I want to come to the point to where I have the ability to understand what I'm doing so thoroughly that I can create solutions and proofs for open problems. I do not like approximations if I can ever help it, and I'm interested in number theory, and the analysis of why mathematics work the way they do/the discovery and manipulation thereof. The only reason I would have my hand in the physics cookie jar would be for biomedical engineering: (intricate prosthetics, and surgical robots), or dealing with mathematical physics, which I haven't exactly explored much due to my schedule, but judging by some of the classes I found on YouTube of Dr. Tokeida teaching mathematical visualization and topology, it looks pretty interesting. If you aren't familiar with Dr. Tokeida, this man knows how to teach, so his lectures are as appealing as yoga pants on a hot girl during her morning jog.

submitted by /u/Einezweioctopi [link] [comments] from math https://ift.tt/3aLgEgC from Blogger https://ift.tt/3aHlNGs

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[johnclapperne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[almajonesnjna]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[ruthellisneda]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[joshuabradleyn]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[albertcaldwellne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[jess-oh]

Reflection

I don’t really know how I’m feeling. I think I’m just trying to drown something out but I’m left feeling thoroughly unsatisfied by everything. I keep rewatching old clips from shows that I finished watching, hoping that it will do the trick when in reality, I’m just hellishly bored! And it’s because I’m not being productive. I know I’m a day late with my reflection. I got home around 3:40am(?) last night and I knew that I could totally just stay awake and write my reflection real quick. There wasn’t even much to talk about. But I chose not to. I chose to just do it tomorrow morning. And then I woke up several times but chose to stay in bed until I literally could not handle sleeping any longer. Yes, I’ve been sleeping so much but I actually hate it. I want to be doing something with my life. I did start doing calligraphy but I could be doing so much more. I could be rereading old books or reading books that I bought but never bothered to reading the first place. I could have written those letters to P. Billy and P. Daisy and Andrew and David and everyone in between for their birthdays and farewells. But I didn’t. Instead, I wasted my life away. And granted, yes, I did do some things today. I actually talked to financial aid and though I didn’t leave with all the necessary information, I did get most of it. But I know that I could’ve been a lot more thorough with my research. But I just wanted to get it done and over with so that I could get back to my entertainment and saying, “sayonara” to my life. I have one more Tuesday left. Maybe I should go snowboarding with Andrew. Just to have something to do. Or maybe I’ll just pack all day but c’mon, it won’t take that long. I could easily finish everything on Monday and just do the last finishing touches Tuesday night or Monday morning. I don’t need that long. I know what I need to pack and what I want to order. And yes, I did my QT last night early and maybe I was just in a weird mood because it was the first day of my period but the reflection is usually the easy part and I couldn’t even do that. What if I didn’t do my QT early and we still stayed out that late? Then I would’ve missed two things. I want to be busy. I want to be productive. I need to be. I can’t live with myself when I’m just wasting my life away. And I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. It’s because of my parents though, I know that. They’re always on my ass, telling me to stop watching videos and to be productive and do something. And I do love to serve and be productive but sometimes I want to rest and I feel like I can’t when I’m living with them. But I don’t think that’s necessarily bad. Because I don’t want to just be a sloth and not get a 4.0 every semester and raise my 3.9 up, up, up. And I kind of want to confide in my friends and let them know that I’m so stressed out all the time because of my parents. But at the same time, I don’t. Because I don’t think it’s a bad thing and I don’t want them to just immediately side with me. I want them to be honest.

I think I’ve gotten a lot more blunt since I’ve been home and I’m hoping that that’s a good thing. And maybe I’ll make enemies as a result. I will probably make enemies as a result because not everyone wants to hear the truth. I’m your friend and I’m not just here to comfort you. I’m here to tell you what I’m really feeling and my objective perspective. And you can leave now if that’s what you want to hear. 

I’ve tried saying something to P. Billy and P. Daisy since retreat but when the moment comes, I always shy away. I was going to talk to them in person on day 2 for lunch. But I didn’t find them. I was going to talk to them after the service later that night. But they were leaving almost immediately after but I had the chance. P. Billy was right there and I didn’t take it. I could’ve looked harder for P. Billy and P. Daisy during lunch but I just gave up and prayed instead. I saw them both on Sunday and didn’t say anything. I could’ve made more of an effort to go to church last Sunday but I didn’t because I was afraid of feeling like an outsider again and not having the guts to tell them. I’ve had every single day as an opportunity to even Facebook message them so I haven’t. I don’t want to write a letter because there’s too much to say bc I’m honestly afraid there won’t be enough. I’m writing a letter because I don’t have the guts to say it in person. Because as much as I appreciate their bluntness, I know who I am and how I am and how much some of my habits annoy them and it just makes me feel like they’re just going to judge me if I’m honest. But the bottom line is that they really have changed my life in more ways than one and I was always excited to come back, just to hear their sermons. I don’t fit in at Sa-Rang. And I don’t know that I ever truly did. But they were always worth it. The service was always worth it. Because it was a time where I could really intimately come before God and it was okay. And that’s something that I am constantly longing for while in Chicago.

I wanted to talk to Jeanne about this but I was doing some thinking in the shower and she hasn’t responded yet. I’m going to help plan the lock-in and it looks like I don’t actually have a whole lot to do. I’m not tasked with doing the theme or organizing teams or anything like that. That seems to already be figured out. I’m just gonna be assigned to a certain job when we meet tomorrow and go from there. I’m just afraid that I’ll fall nicely into the shoes of serving and leading and the transition in becoming an “official leader” will come naturally and I’m not sure that’s what I want bc of how busy my schedule will be next year. That’s a huge time commitment that I don’t know if I’m ready to sign up for. But I imagined P. Josh asking if that’s what God wants for me and I replied that I had prayed about it and knew that I wanted to really invest into people this year but not necessarily as a leader. And I have a feeling that P. Josh knows and sees my heart to serve and wants to me to be a leader and I just don’t know if I’m spiritually ready for that. I’m definitely not ready to go back out onto the mission field again and spend every moment caring for someone else. And don’t get me wrong, it’s great out there. It really is. Guatemala changed my life. Always and forever. I was so happy. And I don’t think I’m in that state of mind anymore where I just care so much for other people that I don’t even have time to think about myself. For so long I spent my life helping others as a way to avoid facing my own problems. But it’s time that I do face my own issues head on and make active efforts toward fixing them.

I am afraid. Because my relationship with God has been rocky lately. And I really want to go back to Chicago bc during my time here, I’ve fallen victim to a lot more gossip just based off the people that I hang around. And I don’t want to put anyone down anymore. It sucked when I dealt with it in high school and no one deserves to feel so hated for something that they can’t control. My life has become a cycle of wanting so badly to go back to Chicago and wanting so badly to go back to OC. And it might be time to settle and choose where I would rather be. Instead of just trying to get away from my problems and suffering all the time. I need to fix this. And I know that this is so much easier said than done and I don’t really feel this as a resolve yet but this is something that I actually really want to do. 

And finally, onto yesterday. I... spent it pretty similarly to how I wasted it today. I woke up several times but refused to get out of my bed, even when the cleaning people came. I kept coming up with excuses to just be lazy in my mind instead of just doing it. Oh yeah, I actually got out of bed at 7am this morning and had every opportunity to actually follow through and do the damn dishes but I didn’t. Thinking that I’ll just do it later instead of just freaking doing it. But towards the end of the day, Andrew said that he would be going over to David’s to help him with his music and invited me to join. And I am really happy that the three of us got to spend time together again. Just the three of us. It was nice. And I was happy to help David with his music. Whether it was by being blunt or helping design or help figure out photoshop or titling the songs... it was nice. And I’m happy that I got to spend that time with them. It was actually pretty encouraging whenever David complimented my bluntness bc I do think it’s something I’m a bit insecure about. Ironically. I just wish I had been more upfront about where we should eat. I am happy that we ended up going to Mae’s Cafe and dining together and getting to spend more time together but there was the chance that we wouldn’t have and didn’t say anything against it. I just want another long car ride with them. A night out. Where we just talk about anything and everything as the road takes us wherever. And yes, it was awkward before. But I trusted them. And it was free. But idk, maybe it’s because we’re actually doing things now and this break is a lot shorter than summer but... I miss that. But y’know, I’m probably making it better than it seemed in my head. None of us ever just vented or broke down crying. Well, some of us vented. But it was never this, wild and emotional ride. It was just us driving mindlessly for hours. I miss that. But our dynamics are changing. I asked Andrew if he thought we would still be friends after college and he said he was afraid I was thinking of dropping him when I asked that which I really wasn’t! And I didn’t tell him this but he was very much occupied with Emily when they first got together and we rarely talked and it wasn’t weird. It just kind of happened. But I felt like I had lost a friend. And I am happy that we were able to reconnect and honestly, some of my dislike toward her is probably a result of that but I am afraid that if he starts dating someone again, we’ll just drift. And it’ll suck but it’ll happen. And he really has made my life so much better by being there for me time after time after time. And I don’t want to lose him but I also know that life has a course and you can’t keep friends forever. And it doesn’t feel like this is going to last. Jude was my absolute best friend in high school that I could literally talk to about anything—religion, God, school, family, anything. She was always there for me and she got it. But she has low self esteem and I just want the best for her and I don’t want to burden her. I truly wish for her happiness and nothing but. And I don’t want to ruin that or take that away from her. She was the single most important person in my life and still is. And I will never stop loving her. But things have changed and she got busier and we started leading different lives and that’s that. It happens. 

Finally, Grace. My dear friend Grace An. I am so glad that we are finally getting the opportunity to meet up on Friday and I’m really hoping she doesn’t back out of it because I’m really worried about her. I just have this gut feeling that she’s not okay and she’s depressed because of everything and trying so hard to do it on her own. But I am here for her and I really hope she knows that. I was so selfish when we last spoke but I want to be here for her 100% now. Really. I’m really worried about her. And she actually cares about me. She does. She gives a shit. I was so afraid that she was only reaching out to me because she pitied me but she didn’t. She actually went out of her way to compile those letters for me before I left. We spent a whole day at the Irvine Spectrum together and it was great. She is an incredibly kind person that really cares for others and wants the best for them and has an undeniably strong faith for the Lord. And yes, admittedly, I have felt some competition with her because I wanted to be better and really, be the best. But she is so genuine. And I just hope and pray that she is okay. And even if she’s not, that she knows that she has people that really love and support her. And will continue to do so, all the way through. I know she’s going through a hard time and I know that it can’t be easy. But she’s not alone. And I hope she knows that.

[artsynanotech]

After the Hunt (2)

A slightly longer conversation between Scott and Ares. Takes place after Fuck My Undead Life (Part 1, 2, 3) and the first interlude I wrote (X). Content warnings for references to emotional/mental abuse.

I didn’t want to get out of bed the next night. Everything I felt the previous evening was heavier, probably because I finally had time to sit and actually think about it. Fear, guilt, and sorrow made for a hellishly sickening mixture. The taste of Julian’s blood lingered on my tongue. My mind was overrun with the image of his dying smile, and the giant gash I’d torn in his neck. I pulled my blankets tighter around me and rolled over to look out into the rest of Isaac’s haven, searching for anything that could possibly distract me. Isaac had kept my room (such as it was) mostly the same as when I moved out. His apartment only had one bedroom, but it was a large space with a loft that we converted into a place for me to sleep. The only real difference was that the bed I’d taken to my new haven had been replaced with a futon. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself backwards in time to when that loft was actually home. My phone buzzed. That sort of counted as a distraction. I reached down to grab it from the floor. I had a new text. It was from Ares. I stared at the screen for a few moments, acutely aware of how my heart should have been pounding but was most definitely not. You would think that, without physical symptoms like a raised heart rate or shortness of breath, anxiety wouldn’t be quite so bad as an undead abomination. You’d be wrong. If anything the lack of symptoms made my mental discomfort worse. I stared at the text notification and considered the million and a half ways Ares could tell me “it’s over.” I didn’t want to think he’d leave me of his own volition, of course, but there was no telling what punishment his clan would level on him for aiding a Camarilla fugitive. And then there was the issue of my own insecurities. I wasn’t sure if Ares really wanted me as much as he said he did. It’s a terrible thought, I know, considering the number of times he’d put his life on the line for me. He’d taken a thaumaturgy-fueled punch from a Sabbat sorcerer, stared down the Scourge of DC, and thrown himself against Julian’s war form without a second thought. Yet the voice in the back of my mind telling me that didn’t matter was growing louder. What if that was all obligation, it asked. What if he was just too shy to tell me to take a hike? Or maybe the fight with Julian was the point where he finally realized I wasn’t worth the trouble. My phone started ringing. Apparently Ares had given up on me responding to his text and decided to call. I braced myself for a breakup and answered. “Hello?” “Y-you picked up!” Ares words were followed by a loud clattering noise and a muffled curse. He must have dropped the phone in surprise. A few moments later he spoke again. “Sorry, I didn’t think you’d, um… Well I didn’t know if you actually wanted to talk or anything, so I thought I’d get your voicemail, and I had this whole thing that I wanted to say prepped but you actually picked up and-” “It’s fine.” “Oh um, right, well… I just… I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” “Oh.” I should have felt relieved, but I didn’t. “I’ll be okay.” “But are you okay now?” I wasn’t sure what to tell him. The obvious answer was no, I was most certainly not okay. I didn’t want to say that though. Ares had dealt with enough of my drama. It wasn’t his burden to bear. A good minute or so passed in silence. I mulled over my options, but none of the things I could tell him seemed right. “Can I see you?” Ares’ voice was barely above a whisper. The prospect scared me. I wanted to put him off. But delaying the inevitable wouldn’t make talking to him any easier, so I nodded my head. A good thirty seconds passed before I remembered Ares wouldn’t be able to see that. “Y-yeah. Sure,” I said. “I’m with Isaac. I’ll text you the address.” We exchanged quick goodbyes, I sent the address, then set about hauling myself out of bed. I noticed a set of clothes folded neatly on the floor next to the futon. There was a note on top. Have to go out for a bit. Sorry. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Call if you need anything. That was somewhat of a relief. The last thing I wanted was my sire within earshot of what was sure to be a weighty conversation with Ares. The change of clothes was welcome as well. Isaac had left me a pair of sweatpants and a t shirt to borrow. They were going to be too big, but at least they weren’t covered in blood like the outfit I wore the previous night. I got dressed and walked down to the living room. Only about a third of it was actual living space. Like me, Isaac used most of his apartment as a studio. He didn’t appear to be in the middle of any projects, though, so the area was actually clean and organized. My sire has an unfortunate habit of letting a mess build up when he’s in the middle of a painting. I sat down on the couch, grabbed the television remote from the coffee table, and flipped on the TV. A nature documentary came up on the screen. I don’t remember specifically what it was about, but that didn’t matter. I just needed something to keep my mind off Ares and Julian. The narrator’s voice was just soothing enough to lull me into not thinking about much at all. Eventually the sound of Isaac’s doorbell startled me out of my self-imposed trance, and my insides knotted tighter than they ever had before. I wrenched myself from the comforting softness of the couch, turned off the television, and went to answer the door. Sure enough it was Ares. He looked just as haggard as me, though in a different way. Whereas I felt sluggish and exhausted, he was wound up so tightly it looked like he might explode at any moment. His gaze kept darting around, from the floor to the walls and ceiling, but never settled directly at me.  He had is hands in his pockets but I could still tell they were clenched into fists. I stepped aside as I opened the door and waved him in. Ares stepped through the door enough so I could close it and stopped. He just sort of stood there, staring at the ground. I waited for him to say something, anything at all. He didn’t. So we just stood there for a minute or so, deliberately not looking at each other. “We should sit,” I said, finally managing to meet his gaze. “Isaac’s not home, so we’ve um, got the place to ourselves for a bit…” Ares stared at me for a good long moment. Then, without any warning, he lunged forward and wrapped me in his arms. Even without Potence backing him up he’s much stronger than I am, and there was no way I could have pulled myself from his grip. Ares held me securely against his chest and tucked my head under his chin. I wanted to enjoy the contact. Any other night I would have. Yet it did nothing to assuage the worries gnawing at the back of my mind. “S-sorry,” he said as he released me. Are took a step back and started rubbing the back of his neck. “I know you get weird about the whole touching thing when you’re upset, but it’s just… I almost lost you, and even though I didn’t you’re still hurting and I want to help but I don’t know how and… and I should shut up now. Sorry.” “It’s all right, really.” I walked over to the couch and sat down. Ares followed suit, taking a seat on the very edge of the cushion. He left a good foot and a half of space between us. I was grateful for that. “It’s sweet that you worry. But this is, it’s not... it’s not something anyone can help with. Not really.” “I get that. Believe me, I do.” Ares angled himself so he was facing me directly. “What your ex did to you, what you went through with him, it’s kinda like me and my dad. Always feeling like a failure, thinking it’s all your fault, that you’re never gonna find anything better. And I know it’s not exactly the same, and I can’t imagine what last night felt like, but I don’t want you to be alone with that.” “You’re under no obligation to stick around for my drama, you know.” The words came out sounding harsher than I intended, but I also didn’t quite care enough to correct that. Ares was saying exactly what I wanted to hear, and that made it seem all the more unreal. He couldn’t possibly mean everything he said. “It’s not an obligation.” “Are you sure?” “Why would you think it was?” Ares voice faltered a little bit. I must have struck a nerve, though what that was I had no idea. “Because if it’s not that then it’s pity. I think I prefer the first option.” I leaned forward and clasped my hands tightly in my lap. I could feel myself shaking. “Pity? Scott, what are you talking about?” “Nothing you’d understand.” I may have sounded harsh before, but I really lost control of my tone then. My voice was actually trembling. I felt pathetic because of it, but I kept going. “Julian didn’t always treat me like I was worthless, you know. When we were in bed he was absolutely doting. It was the only damn thing I felt good for. And then I see that… that thing he made with my face, throwing itself at anyone with a cock, and that’s just confirmation that he only saw me as something to fuck. Then you start staring at it, Ares, and it makes me think that maybe, just maybe, you prefer that version of me too.” “I don’t!” Ares sounded equal parts offended and confused. I felt his weight sink into the cushions between us. He must have been leaning toward me. “Then why don’t you look at me like that? Why do you stop short when we’re kissing? You’re a better man than Julian, Ares, and I don’t doubt that you care about me, but if I’m not what you want then you should just leave.” I shot a quick glance up at Ares. His eyes were wide and his lips parted just slightly. He reached over and brushed my bangs away from my face. “After all we’ve been through together, you think I don’t want you? That I don’t think you’re attractive?” Ares ran his fingers softly down my cheek, and then slowly pulled his hand back. A bright red blush spread across his cheeks. “It’s the exact opposite. I want us to have sex. I want to try that with you so badly it scares me.  What if I lose control and bite you when we’re together? I’m Giovanni, Scott. I can’t just turn off my clan’s curse. When I think of the times I’ve fed before, the pain those people felt, and imagine you going through that? No. It’s not going to happen.” Hearing that made the knots in my gut even worse. Of course Ares had told me about his clan’s bite before, when we kissed for the first time. How could I have forgotten? I knew how self-conscious Ares was about the Giovanni weakness. Suddenly everything I’d said to him prior seemed unforgivably selfish. “I am such a heel!” I leaned back into the couch, stared at the ceiling, and ran a hand through my hair. “Christ, this entire time I’ve been making it about me and my problems. I didn’t even think… Wow. Just wow. I am the worst.” “Don’t say that!” Ares closed the distance between us and wrapped me in another embrace. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re just dealing with a lot right now. That’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay that you have to deal with it. Obviously. But it’s not your fault, and I’m gonna see you through it.” I hugged him back this time. I wasn’t sure what to say to him, so I nodded into his chest instead. And for just one small moment, the nagging voice in the back of my head stayed quiet.