#i am probably wrong on the skating terms feel free to correct me

[rueitae]

2018 Fic Roundup

I did this last year and it was nice to do some self reflection and make some goals for 2019. I encourage all my writer friends to do this! No tagging necessary, just tell each other to do it. <3

It’s long, so putting the rest of the fic and reflection questions under the cut.

Stats:

Fics Posted (Gen): 6

Space Birthday (9,595 words): Hunk can feel it in his bones; it’s his birthday. He wants to have a nice one... and does... after accidentally raiding a Galra outpost with Lance and Pidge.

Pilot (4,340): Shiro finds himself in a different reality post s2. Here, the mechs are called Gundams. (Shiro in the Gundam Wing universe/reality)

Code (7,321): Pidge and the others keep fond memories of Earth through oldies musical trivia. It comes in handy on a mission.

Self Insert (6,357): Lance reads a story to his niece and nephew on the eve he leaves for school at the Galaxy Garrison. The kids have Opinions on how it should go.(i totally still need to change their names to the canon ones)

Too Soon and Not Soon Enough (1,796): Keith is 13 and is supposed to go to the Galaxy Garrison next year at Shiro’s encouragement. Until the Galra invade and plans change.

Welcome to the Neighborhood (2,237): Allura gets used to being not dead and that includes meeting her cosmic neighbors.

Fics Posted (Plance): 17

Wrong Diamond (2,384): Gentlemen thief AU. “At midnight, I will steal the heart of Voltron,” the note says. Pidge has a thief to catch.

Diamond in the Rough (8,045): prequel to Wrong Diamond. How they meet!

Road Trip (4,710): Lance and Pidge are back on Earth. Zarkon has the others and the two are on the run from a bureaucratic Galaxy Garrison that doesn’t want the world to know about aliens yet. Oh, and Lotor is with them.

Exsanguination (16,255): Pidge is a vampire hunter captured by Haggar. She finds some unlikely help in the vampire’s similarly undead servant.

Power Up! (3,500): Pidge is on the cusp of finding out where Zarkon is holding her father using less than legal methods. She’s caught in the act by her lab partner (Lance, a superhero in training).

Plance on Ice (2,300): A figure skating AU! Pidge and Lance are former competitive partners having a date free time on the ice

Being Plance (3,900): Pidge and Lance pull a personality switch prank over on the rest of the team. Canon verse.

Keeping Cool (3,098): Mermaid AU! Pidge is in trouble with pirates and gets some unexpected help from the sea.

The Cake (839): Canon verse, Lance gets a cake for his birthday and assumes it’s from Hunk.

Frostbite (6,109): Pidge is a renowned super villain. Lance is a hero in training with something to prove. Lance over uses his powers one day and Pidge has some soul searching to do.

Crystal Clear (5,516): Another superhero AU. Lance is captured by his arch nemesis. They have a heart-to-heart, taunt, and flirt.

The Secrets of Beasts (2,007): AU canon verse. Years down the road, Green keeps Pidge from going on a mission with the others. It takes Kosmo to find out why.

See You Yesterday (8,132): Lance works nervously as a bartender for a 1920s mafia when all he wanted to do was leave the farming life. One night he gets a strange patron who changes his life - and his perspective of the world. Time travel AU

Shot Through the Heart (1,087): post canon AU. Lance and Pidge keep Nadia and Sylvio entertained.

Seasons of Magic (11,744): Pidge is a mage. Lance is her dragon familiar. Series of domestic-ish one shots. Not in sequential order.

Between Rocks and A Hard Place (8,144): Canon verse. Pidge and Lance are trapped due to a caved-in mine, with pirates waiting for them on the other side. And Pidge is hurt.

Cow-parent Trapped (1,099): s8 canon continuation. Pidge visits Lance at the farm and does not expect Kaltenecker to make them talk to each other.

Lotura 1

Birthday Prompt #5 (5,500): Oh gosh I never named it. Fantasy AU in which Lotor is essentially Rapunzel and Allura is Aurora with a better (depending on who you ask) birth-prophesy. Tiny hint of Shallura in this as well.

Collaborations: 3

First Encounters for the (Altean Plance AU): Pidge is an independent noblewoman and Lance is her bodyguard. Writing done with @hushman and @pidge-suggestions

To Sail, To Break, To Earn (Plance - 10,268): Lance is a pirate and Pidge is a mermaid. There’s also a curse involved. With @sp4c3-0ddity

It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like A Christmas Carol (Plance- 14,384): post s8 canon verse with @hailqiqi and @sp4c3-0ddity. Exactly as the title says. Lance is the subject of a ghostly intervention. Crack treated seriously.

Fey AU (Plance): with @vivalachocolate this was @sp4c3-0ddity ‘s prompt to Viva but I was nosy and added a chapter and I’m so glad she wasn’t mad at me for it. 😅

Ship/Character breakdown:

Ship breakdown:

I guess the 17 Plance fics speak for themselves. I did write one Lotura fic as a special birthday prompt because @ritsykitty is such a good friend.

Character breakdown:

I have a gen fic for each Paladin, but then the Plance fics outnumber those, so Lance and Pidge would be my go to.

Characters that had the main focus:

So for character POV, each Paladin has one, then within Plance, Pidge has 12 and Lance has 7. Interesting, I thought it was more even. Hunk had a POV in a Plance fic too briefly!

Specifics:

Best/worst title?

Best title: Urgh I liked a lot of them. Too Soon and Not Soon Enough probably. I like how it summarizes the story without telling you how, but by the end you know.

Worst title: Seasons of Magic aka I tried to come up with a clever title when I realized I wasn’t done with it. It’s so bland to me. I’m also basically trying to rebrand from mage/familiar AU. I don’t think it’s working 😅 (not that I care I’m trying to make it easier to reference but I’m too late)

Best/worst last line?

Best: “I love you too, Pidge,” he [Lance] says, nestling her head to his chest and not bothering to correct her. “You’re the best nemesis a hero could ask for.” - I love that line so much, from Crystal Clear. Enemies to lovers is such a good trope.

Worst: Pidge groans. At this rate her double life is definitely doomed to unravel. - for how much I love Frostbite, I really hate how lame it ends. Like I totally could have said that better or continued the scene a bit but I am LAZY.

General questions:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

I wrote waaaaaaay more than expected. I figured I’d write something every few months. Now I can write a 2k fic in a setting if I’m on game.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

I was just doing gen fic last year, never would I have expected to be so taken by Plance that it became my main muse.

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

Honestly? Probably Pilot. It was one of my earliest VLD fic ideas to do a Gundam Wing crossover and to actually finish a one shot early in the year (when I was still dipping my feet into fandom again) just made me so so happy. I still smile thinking about the continuation possibilities. One of my favorite parts of Shiro’s character is that he is the ace pilot. Because of Keith’s role that sometimes gets overshadowed. I was so pleased to get to highlight that.

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

On Ao3, that would be Exsanguination. No surprise there, it was my first posted Plance fic and I continued it.

On Tumblr it’s First Encounters, the first of the Altean Plance AU based on the art and headcanons. I was just struck with a clear opening image one afternoon and wrote it all right then and there. I had no idea it would be so well received.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

Space Birthday. It may have been a bit of a mess since it was my very first VLD fic, but it has everything I love. Hunk bonding with an ‘enemy’ over cooking, Team Punk, Plance in distress, Hunk saves the day thanks to mechanics. Also heartfelt stuff with Keith. And he’s the only Paladin besides Lance to get an actual birthday themed fic from me.

Story that could have been better?

I really hate to say Wrong Diamond, but I totally could have done much better with it. It feels skimpy. Probably why I am still writing in the AU.

Sexiest story?

Ha. That would be a tie between Crystal Clear and Exsanguination. The first I actually tried and the second completely by accident. I’m not sure it worked though.

Saddest story?

All my sad fics have a bit of crack to them. Pilot is pretty melancholy. Crystal Clear has a good Plance argument that gets heated. Road Trip in general though might take the cake. It’s full of angst amid some humor due to the premise.

Most fun?

Shot Through the Heart in terms of tone.

Story with single sweetest moment? Space Birthday

"Uh, Keith, hold up a tic."

Confused, Keith turned back around. "What?"

Hunk rubbed the back of his neck. "So uh, you know we're friends right? Like, I meant what I said we're like brothers. We're tight. I mean, we share a mind inside of a giant robot."

Keith blinked, clearly surprised. "Yeah, I kinda got that from the hug you gave me back then. It was nice," he said with a smile. "And we work well together."

"Yeah so - wait what? No, I'm supposed to be giving you the pep talk here."

"It's fine, Hunk. I'm doing important work and so are you. I already had this talk with Allura."

"Oh. Well, what I'm trying to say is that we're friends. I care a lot about you and your feelings. So if I say something that's weird or you don't like, you gotta tell me. I'm a terrible and nosy person and I'm sorry."

Keith stood silent, processing the words, and then smiling. "I've accepted the side of me that's Galra," he said simply. "It's still a little weird, but I've always had this feeling that something didn't add up." He smiled a bit. "I don't mind a question or two, but I'm still learning myself."

"Deal, no Galra questions for a while then. Just as long as you come visit more often, okay? We all miss you.

"...hug it out?"

Keith snorted and obliged into Hunk's waiting arms. "Always."

Hardest story to write?

I struggled with the ending to Exsanguination. It took forever to come to me.

Easiest/most fun story to write?

I wrote The Secrets of Beasts in one setting and I still can’t believe how easily it came out. I blame the Plance discord folks for putting everyone on a baby craze.

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

Not particularly? I write based on my existing understanding of the characters and nothing really surprised to that note.

Most overdue story?

Welcome to the Neighborhood. I wanted to write that Allura gen fic all year (as I wanted one for all the Paladins) and I hoped s8 would give me the motivation. It was not worth the cost.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Collaborations! And participating in a zine! And signing up for events (exchanges and bangs)! I learned that it’s not that scary. People are chill and so easy to get along with. Also the task isn’t as daunting as I think of it’s an idea I love.

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

This is hard because I’m already doing above and beyond what I ever expected to be doing writing wise. I suppose it will be to finish my gen fic since I’ve been writing a lot of plance lately.

[multifandombitxh]

If You Love Me (Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader)

Title: If You Love Me (Chapter 5)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Summary: Bucky and the reader are sent out on a long-term mission together under the guise of a married couple.

Chapter Genre: Pure Fluff

Chapter Warnings: None

 A/N: This is like...... 99% domestic fluff lol pls enjoy. Also debating just posting this on AO3 from now on since it doesn’t get much traffic here, but we’ll see!

Tag list(let me know if you want to be added!): @farfromjustordinary @frigginbored @thebadassbitchqueen @maximofos @lordemjay @works-of-fanfiction

Chapters 1-4: X (AO3) / X (Tumblr)  

Chapter V: Breaking the Ice

It had been almost a week since Bucky’s little incident, and things had calmed down significantly. You were on better terms, and Bucky seemed a lot happier than before. It was like having an entirely different person around, and you liked it a lot. Maybe a little more than you should have.

It was a Friday night, which meant you closed early, much to your pleasure. After you closed up shop for the weekend, you and Bucky were lounging in the apartment, eating dinner and chatting away. It was something you did more often now that you weren’t virtual strangers anymore. Cooking dinner- either together or on your own- was a regular occurrence that both of you enjoyed.

“You know,” Bucky said between bites of spaghetti, “It’s a Friday night.”

“Very observant,” You quipped, “What brings this up?”

“Well,” He said, “We’re married, right?”

“Not technically, no, but I know what you mean so go on.”

“Married people go on dates,” He went on, ignoring your comment. “So I think we should go out tonight.”

You nearly choked on your water.

“Mrs. Peters was telling me about this old ice skating rink not too far from here,” He continued, “I think we should check it out.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” You said, standing and walking to the kitchen sink. “I trip over my own feet pretty often, I don’t think adding shoes with knives on them to the equation would be very safe.”

“It can’t be that bad,” Bucky replied, rolling his eyes. “Besides, you deal with knives all the time. You should be able to handle having them on your feet.”

You sighed and placed your dishes in the sink before turning back to face him with a hand on your hip. “You’re not going to stop pestering me about it until we go, are you?”

“You would be correct.”

“Then I guess I don’t have much of a choice.”

“This was a bad idea,” You muttered, “Oh god, why did I let you convince me to do this?”

“You’re fine,” Bucky laughed, “Just get out here.”

“I’m gonna fall, Bucky,” You shot back, throwing him a glare.

“You’re not gonna fall,” He said, extending his hand out to you. “I won’t let you. Trust me, okay?”

You clung to the sides of the ice rink wall, gripping it like your life depended on it. Bucky was already on the ice, and had been trying to talk you into joining him for five long minutes. Luckily, the building was mostly empty aside from the two of you and a group of kids, so you didn’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself in front of a crowd.

Just Bucky.

“Y/N, you’ve done scarier things than this,” Bucky said, “You’ve got this.”

“How is it so easy for you?” You asked, touching the ice with the tip of the blade on your skate. “You make it look so easy.”

“It is easy,” He said, “But you have to get on the ice.”

Sighing, you hesitantly reached out and took his hand, locking his fingers with yours in a firm grip. You took a deep breath and put one foot on the ice, then the other.

“See? I told you, you’re fine,” Bucky said, reaching out and placing his free hand on your waist to steady you. “I’ve got you.”

“I don’t feel fine,” You replied, focusing on keeping your footing while the two of you slowly slid out onto the ice.

“Just don’t think about it,” He said while flashing you a smile, “It’ll get easier the longer you’re out here.”

“How do you know how to do this?” You asked.

“Ice skating existed when I was a teenager, Y/N,” He answered, “So did swing dancing. But it’s probably best not to do them both at the same time.”

“Yeah, please don’t,” You laughed nervously.

“I can teach you that another time,” Bucky said with a wink.

The night was spent skating around at a snails pace. You stayed as close to the wall as you could, just in case. Bucky was surprisingly helpful; holding your hand and catching you every time you nearly fell on your face. When you weren’t busy trying to stay upright, you talked with Bucky about anything you could think of to keep your mind occupied. You told him about something funny Pistachio had done the other day, and about an old man who left you a $10 tip, and what it was like becoming an agent for SHIELD. It didn’t take long for you to start enjoying yourself. Even though you still couldn’t figure out how to ice skate properly, you were glad Bucky was there to make it fun.

As the night wound down and you left the skating rink, you found yourself feeling suddenly very drawn to Bucky. The thoughts from the night he had his incident returned to your mind and you couldn’t seem to stave them off. It certainly didn’t help that you’d spent almost two hours in close proximity with him. It was the first time you noticed he wore cologne, and you wondered if he’d always worn it and you just never realized, or if he’d worn it just this once. Either way, the warm smell was stuck in your nose the entire night.

“Did you and Steve ever go ice skating together?” You asked on the walk back to the apartment.

“Once,” Bucky said, half smiling. “He wasn’t as good at is as he thought he’d be. I think he had fun though.”

“Maybe you should ask him if he remembers,” You said.

“He remembers a lot of things,” He sighed, shoving his hands in his coat pockets. “Just never anything important.”

“Like names and birthdays?”

“Exactly like names and birthdays.”

You shared a small laugh and continued on your way home through the barren streets. The cold air was starting to get to you, so you shivered once and wrapped your arms tightly around your torso. Bucky slipped his arm around your shoulders and ran his hand over your upper arm in an attempt to warm you up a bit more. You instinctively moved closer to him, shivering again at the heat coming off of his body. Down the street, you noticed a group of people huddled outside of a bar, but they didn’t seem like they were having a very good time. 

“Stay close to me,” Bucky said, his voice low and his tone serious. “Don’t look at them, act like they’re not even there.”

You nodded and looked down at the sidewalk below, clearing your throat as you got closer to the group.

“I talked to Mrs. Peters today,” Bucky said, his voice having returned to normal. “She thinks we should go out with her to dinner sometime.”

“That would be fun,” You replied, “She’s really sweet.”

“She is,” He said, “She talks about you a lot, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

The two of you exchanged smiles as you passed the silent circle of people, and you did everything you could to ignore their presence. You found it strange that they would just stand around doing nothing, which must have been what Bucky was thinking as well. Once you knew they were out of earshot, you let out a tense breath.

“That was weird,” You whispered, looking up at Bucky.

“Tell me about it,” He whispered back.

Not before long you made it home, where Pistachio was waiting impatiently on the countertop in the kitchen. Still feeling uneasy from seeing the strangers outside of the bar, you picked up the cat and held him close to your body, letting him nuzzle your neck and chin. You kissed his forehead and carried him to the bedroom where you removed your heavy winter clothes and put on your favorite sleepwear. Bucky shouted something about taking a shower as you crawled into bed. You laid there with Pistachio on your chest for a long time, talking to him like he could understand you.

“What do you think, buddy?” You whispered to Pistachio, “Do you think I’m paranoid about those guys from earlier?”

He blinked.

“Yeah, I thought you’d say that,” You sighed, patting his forehead. “Why can’t you ever take my side?”

He yawned.

“Sure, sure. Ignore me. I see how it is. You always do this.”

“Are you talking to the cat?”

Bucky sauntered into the room, now dressed in loose sweatpants and a painfully tight crimson t-shirt. As he approached your side of the bed, you looked up at him from under your eyelashes and pursed your lips together, stroking Pistachio lovingly.

“No,” You answered in a guilty voice, “I am not... talking... to the cat.”

“Was she talking to you?” Bucky asked Pistachio, “Tell me the truth.”

“He pleads the fifth.”

“Now you’re talking for the cat. You two have such a weird relationship.”

You glared at Bucky playfully and he laughed, patting Pistachio once before walking around the bed and crawling in beside you. He laid on his side, his forehead touching your shoulder and his wet hair dripping on your skin.

“Why don’t you dry your hair enough?” You asked, brushing his hair off of you. “Do you not know how to use a towel?”

“Oh, I do,” He said, glancing up at you. “They’re just all covered in cat hair.”

“Please go dry your hair. You’re getting the pillows wet,” You whined, trying to push his head away.

“What, you don’t like damp pillows?” He asked with a small laugh.

“No, I really don’t,” You replied, “Don’t make me ask again.”

“What do you have against my wet hair?” He asked, his tone very lighthearted. He sat up and moved over top of you, making Pistachio jump down from the bed as he placed his hands on either side of you. His body was dangerously close to yours, but you were too busy swatting his hair away from your face to notice.

“You don’t like wet hair?” Bucky asked again, shaking his head slightly and sending tiny droplets of water all over your face.

“Oh my god, what is wrong with you!” You tried to push him off of you, which only made him move closer, basically shoving his head against your cheek. Laughter filled the room as you tried to fight him off, with little success. It took you begging through your laughing to get him to stop. He tucked his hair behind his ears and looked down at you, still grinning like an idiot.

Your eyes connected and the atmosphere changed in a matter of seconds. As you both calmed your breathing, you stared at each other, almost like you were both thinking the same thing but not saying it aloud. You wondered if that was the case, or if it was just wishful thinking. All you knew for sure was that you wanted to kiss him right then and there.

“Can I tell you something?” Bucky asked in a whispered voice. 

“Um, yeah,” You replied. In your head, you began to panic. His features were softer than you’d ever seen them, and the look in his eyes was unfamiliar. The room was dark aside from a single string of lights opposite the bed, making the contours of his face stand out.

“I think maybe-” He hesitated, “I don’t know. I was just thinking that-”

Before he could finish, Pistachio wormed his way between you, meowing and rubbing his face against Bucky’s nose. This caught you both off guard, making you jump and separate.

“Pistachio, you little shit,” You said, prying the cat off of your chest and setting him aside. Bucky retreated as well, going back to his side of the bed and lying down. His smile had returned while he watched you quietly scold the cat.

“Not everything is about you,” You muttered to Pistachio, who responded by flopping onto his side and looking up at you with his big green eyes. Why did he have to be so cute?

“I think that’s his way of saying he disagrees,” Bucky chuckled beside you.

Scoffing, you rolled onto your side to face Bucky while Pistachio curled up in the space in front of your stomach. “He’s such a spoiled baby.”

“You wanted him.”

“Would it kill you to be at least a little supportive, Bucky?”

“How do you think I’ve lived this long? By being nice? HYDRA didn’t kidnap me because they thought I was a decent person.”

You rolled your eyes and nudged him playfully. “You are a decent person.”

“I’m barely even a person,” He replied, shooting you a smirk. 

“You’re at least 75% person,” You argued while reaching out and tapping his metal arm with your fingertips. “Just because you’re 25% Terminator doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

“The hell’s a Terminator?”

“Forget it. Just go to sleep.”

“Fine,” He said, sitting up on his elbows and leaning closer to you. As you started to wonder what he was doing, his lips pressed against your forehead, lingering there for a moment before he pulled away and looked you in the eye. “Goodnight, Y/N.”

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim.