#i am still doing scholarship apps i would rather be doing literally anything else

[basicallyjaywalker]

Random HC: Lloyd has an affinity for tea he picked up from Wu. His favorite flavor is mint and he drinks it with sugar and honey

[lostinthe-pines-blog]

Senior Fear Ch. 2 - Fears Revealed

This is a multi-chapter story about Autumn with the Hartfeld Gang. Halloween quickly approaching they attempt to celebrate. As they begin their senior year the dynamics will change like the weather, will they be able to face their fears, both commercial and literal?

NOTE: This is a fictional story based on Pixelberry’s Choices App. *Books The Freshman, The Sophomore, The Junior. I am not affiliated with Pixelberry nor do I own the rights to their original characters or story-lines. This story will alter certain story-lines.

TAGS: (I’ve tagged anyone who followed my last multi-chapter Chris fic. Please let me know if you’d like to be removed.) @jared2612  @katurrade @annekebbphotography @emerald-bijou @jellybean-marshmellow @jollybouquetangel

The smells in each coffee shop all a crossed the world are unique. They are based off of which way the beans are roasted and even more uniquely what the most popular drink to that shop is. The campus coffee shop always had a distinct smell of dark roast coffee. Probably to ensure these hard working college students had enough energy to get through their mornings, days and even late nights. Besides the collection of money for tuition and books the coffee shop was one of the biggest money makers on campus. Everyone flocked here, it wasn’t just MC and her group of friends; it was everyone. But when the shop was quiet, it was dead silent. Zig had spent many hours sitting alone surrounded by the white walls with peeling decorations, and today was no different.

“I’m taking my 15.” Zig spoke to his young redheaded freshman coworker after the morning rush cleared out, “To be honest, it will probably be a 20.” As he walked out the back door of the shop he pulled out his phone scrolling through a group text including his entire extended family. He’d missed maybe 50 messages throughout the morning. He sat on the curb behind the shop, reading updates about his young cousins first weeks of school and his grandma’s chemo treatments. He sees and fears how short life is just in those few text messages and thinks carefully about where his life is headed. All of his best friends would be graduating this year… she would be graduating this year.

His mind wanders to her, her laughter fills his thoughts. Her smile comforted him even when he was imagining it. He pictures her vibrant grin close to him her lips leaning to meet his own. He’s instantly pulled out of his boyhood day dream when he hears his name being called.

“Zig!! Good to see you!” Chris shouts reaching a hand to help Zig stand. Chris stands tall above him, a gym bag tossed over his shoulder, his smile unnaturally inviting.

‘It’s almost like he knew.’ Zig says in his head before officially responding to the quarterback himself. “You too Chris.” he responds flatly, taking Chris’s hand and standing at his side, hoping Chris wouldn’t catch on to his disappointed tone. How was he supposed to explain that Chris had interrupted a fantasy daydream he was having about Chris’s own girlfriend.

“How was your summer, you stayed behind for school right?” Chris genuinely wondered. Chris was very fond of Zig, they owed each other a lot. Zig was the perfect candidate for Chris’s ‘Second Chance Scholarship’. Without Zig, Chris would never have had the elevation he needed to launch the scholarship and gain the trust of the schools leaders. And with out Chris, and his scholarship Zig would probably still be the lost, street wandering, misunderstood rebel his DNA made him.  Chris had truly given him a ‘second chance’.

“Yeah, I took a few extra classes, hoping to catch up on things I missed. You’re all graduating this year, I’m hoping I’ll be in my final semester by this time next year.” he responds proudly. He knows the polite thing to do would be to ask Chris how his summer was, but he holds his tongue not wanting to here tales of MC and Chris outside lighthouses on the beaches of Maine.

“Zig that's great, really. I’m so glad everything has worked out for you.” Chris responds letting silence fall between them. There was always somethings so secretive about Zig, Chris didn’t bother to find out what it was. He always just assumed it was one of the many characteristic traits of the Ortega family. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around.” Chris responds taking a few steps away. Knowing their parting was awkward to more than just him he turns back. “Zig, if you ever need anything, MC and I will always be there for you.” he says nodding his head and turning away again heading off to the football field.

Zig looks back down to his phone realizing his break has ended, his time to day dream was over. He lived in fear that Chris would find out about his thoughts, or that MC would find out an reject him. He loved her so dearly but feared them both so deeply. He shoves his phone angrily back in his pocket and heads back into the small coffee shop frustrated and not rested at all after his twenty minutes.

MC carries her book-bags crossed the quad, thinking of yesterday's memories with Zack. Forcing herself to stay positive to not think about all the ‘lasts’ she would be having this year. Living in the moment, even if the moments were killing her. Her eyes wander to the falling leaves and Halloween Decorations that were starting to appear around the buildings. While she’s walking she feels someone approach her from behind, turning to check her paranoia she quickly spots two of her closest friends. “Kaitlyn, Abbie!” she yelped.

“Happy Halloween!!!” Kaitlyn yells hugging her friend

“Kaitlyn it’s September 10th” Abbie protests “There’s still 11 more days of summer!”

Kaitlyn rolls her eyes playfully “Yeah summer ended the second I put down five hundred dollars for books to classes I don’t actually want to take.” she responds playing off her friends reminder.

MC can't help but grin at her friends bickering. She loved them dearly, but always found herself in the middle of their senseless fighting. Abbie and Kaitlyn knew each other just as well as Zack and MC, they had a friendship bond that only the grueling years of classes and homework can bring. “Happy Halloween” MC responds back to Kaitlyn “And Happy end of Summer” she offers a response to Abbie as well.

“Happy Hallo-Summer!” Abbie jokes getting nothing more than a pity laugh from her friends of four years.

“So I heard you’re hosting the Halloween Party this year?” Kaitlyn asks satisfied with the decision.

“Chris and I are, yeah…” MC trailed remembering being ‘volun-told’ to run this party rather than volunteering. “Zack so graciously bestowed that duty to us.”

“Well what are you guys going as for Halloween? I don’t know how you’re going to top Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor from last year” Abbie giggles. Abbie was clearly envious of Chris and MC’s tight bond. Especially after the events of Junior year, her relationship with Tyler was rocky. She feared the end of her relationship was near. Junior year left petite curly haired artists to wonder what commitment was actually like, and she saw it in her friends picture perfect love.

“We haven’t talked much about it, but I’m sure we will think of something!” MC responds sensing the yearning and almost jealousy in her friend.

“Okay it’s our last Halloween Party! Please make it the best one yet!” Kaitlyn cheers “I’m talking spiders skeletons, blood, gore, I need all of it okay! It’s Halloween and I won’t stand for cutesie jack o lantern and candy cutouts!” Kaitlyn protests the parties of years past.

“You’re welcome to decorate if you’d like Kaitlyn, Chris and I honestly have no idea what we’re doing.” MC explains continuing to walk crossed the quad, her friends quickly following her lead. “I’m going to meet up with him now should I let him know you’ll take decorations?”

“YES!” Kaitlyn exclaims so excitedly she almost sounds angry. “This will be the best Halloween party yet!”

“One condition Kaitlyn, no clowns!” MC says sternly back to her enthusiastic friend.

“Wow okay Mom, no clowns… Why?” Kaitlyn asks arms crossed defensively against her chest.

“Because I’m terrified of them.” Chris’s voice responds as he approaches them.

“What!” Abbie spits “The start quarterback of the Hartfeld Knights has a fear?” she teases him as Kaitlyn join gawks at him shocked.

“Yes.” Chris responds almost proud of his fear. “I hate clowns, and they don’t belong in this holiday, they can stay at their circuses.”

MC is quick to wrap an arm around Chris, to not only support his fears but to let his body heat calm her own. Calm her fears of losing memories like this after the years end. They were like a well oiled machine now. Their movements with each other keeping them in-sync, pushing and pulling perfectly together. She looks up at her radiant love, three years and she still felt like she was looking at him for the first time. His blue eyes shining in the autumn sun. Her stomach twisting peacefully when his eyes meet hers. She’d never been one for public displays of affection but being with him she understood why people did it, though she’d hold back to make sure her friends were still comfortable around them. Looking into his eyes was like having a full conversation, the rings of his bright blues clearly telling MC how much he’d missed her today.

“Alright then” Kaitlyn responds in acceptance, “No clowns… anything else I should avoid?”

“Tyler is afraid of Zombies…” Abbie trails softly

“Tyler?!” Kaitlyn reacts confused “Tyler, the comic book, video game nerd? Is scared of Zombies… I’m pretty sure he was always watching Walking Dead freshman year…”

“Yes, he likes Zombies but he’s actually terrified that they are real. When those rumors about the bath salt zombies came out he freaked out.” she explains for her sheltered boyfriend.

“Those weren’t rumors” Kaitlyn protests “they really ate people's faces..” her tone so casual it’s almost disturbing. Creating silence among their friends.

“Alright Kaitlyn... “ Chris chimes in awkwardly. “I trust you’ll be able to decorate perfectly without Clowns or Zombies..” he laughs tightening his grip around his lover. “I look forward to seeing it but for now would you ladies mind if I stole MC for the evening.”

Abbie and Kaitlyn look to each other shrugging. “Go for it.” they say in unison while quickly hugging MC goodbye. The sounds of their bickering fading away as the get farther and farther from Chris and MC.

Once the pair of friends was out of sight Chris looked quickly down to his beautiful best friend. Her hazel eyes and auburn hair almost glowing from the sunset. He was forever entranced by her beauty. Chris wasn’t afraid of showing emotion, he’d never understood the male stereotype of being hard faces and strong. He loved her, she weakened him, strengthened him and surprised him all at once. He wasn’t ashamed of letting his love show. After staring for a long moment he pressed his lips to her forehead softly.

“How was the first day of classes?” he asked quickly beginning to lead her on their long walk back to their apartment. MC had started classes while Chris had only had to report to the field for credit today, their days had held very different challenges.

MC rolled her eyes “I’m getting severe senioritis and it’s only day one. Though, my French Literature class did have a surprisingly intriguing syllabus for the first semester!” feeling her excitement taking over she beings to explains her course load. “We are going to start in the 19th century, a weird choice for a literature class since normally they want to fill in the history of writing. Anyways we’ll be reading at least 5 major books just this semester and a collection of poems by Charles Péguy from the ‘modernism’ period!” MC noticed a blank stare on her loves face realizing she’d let her excitement get the best of her again. “Sorry.” she laughs embarrassed burying her face into his strong shoulder. Pulling back immediately at the smells coming off of him. “Yikeeees! Chris!”

His laughter so loud she could feel it vibrating on his flawless skin. “MC no one asked you to stick your face there.” he mocks. “I didn’t have time to hit the shower before meeting you, I figured I’d do it when I got home.” he teases her moving to acknowledge her embarrassment from before. “Also, you shouldn’t be sorry” he says reassuringly. “Look I don’t know french, or really much about France or their writers but I’m excited for you to teach me about it.”

As they continue walking through the falling leaves and setting sun she’s silent, he’d tried his hardest to validate her excitement from before but he can feel her body tense up, this wasn’t the first time he’d noticed this in the past weeks. The first time he felt her turn to stone around him was on their long drive back from Maine. He didn’t want to pressure her or force her to talk to him if she wasn’t ready. But something had clearly been eating at her. As they arrived at home he opened the door letting her walk in first. The smell of their house familiar, a mix of MC’s morning coffees, Chris’s laundry detergent and the vanilla scented wall plug ins mixing together to create the scent that was so authentically theirs. Without a word MC heads to their room closing the door. An off behavior for the girl who was beaming only a mile ago. He decided to let her have her time taking a quick shower alone, though he’d hoped it wouldn’t be.

MC sits on the bed remembering again Zack asking her to live in the moment, but every sight reminded her that things were beginning to end. When she was feeling the most comfortable her mind would wander to where she would be in a year. Would she be happy, would she be with Chris? She was only 22 years old. Her whole life was ahead of her but she was terrified of what that actually meant. She lays staring at the ceiling of her room as she had so many days before. She barely hears Chris enter, not letting his presence pull her from her thoughts.

“MC, you have to talk to me.” his voice speaks low, finally addressing her odd behavior from the weeks before. Chris lays next to her staring at the ceiling trying to grasp an idea of what could be on her mind.

MC finally turns to him tears filling the brim of her eyelids like a glass of water to full to carry. Taking in the sight of her it isn’t long before he’s buried her face in his clean bare chest. Her mood swings were new to him but he tried his best to love them as much as he loved her. An un-measurable amount of time passes before she even speaks.

“I’m just sad.” she says softly before pulling away to look into Chris’s trusting eyes. “Everything in my life is going perfectly, yet I’m sad.” she sighs. “I’m afraid.”

“You have nothing to be afraid of MC.” Chris responds quickly

“Of course I do, I’m afraid of what will happen after this year, where will we all be?” she asks “I know I want to be with you, but we are twenty two years old, how can we even ensure that we will last a lifetime?”

“Do you doubt us?” Chris inquires calmly, trying not let her anxieties become his own.

“No!” she yells through a whisper “I don’t doubt you. I know that I’m going to lose people this year but I also know that I can’t handle losing you.” her eyes meet his finally letting her tears break through.

He holds her close hoping his heat can calm her as it had so many times before. He breathes deep feeling her move with every rise and fall of his chest. He thinks of how to respond, how to assure her he wouldn’t leave her. Through a breath of laughter he finally speaks.

“I would rather face 10,000 clowns than even face the thought of losing you.” he explains kissing the top of her head gently.

She lets his words comfort her for a long moment before responding her breath vibrating off the skin of his neck. “Things were just so much easier before, when fear didn’t control me. When I could be certain of what my future... what our future held.” 

“Fear doesn’t control you, you control you. And I’ll support all over your decisions even when they are wrong.” he says calmly “I love you MC” 

“I love you too.” she says her tears thick in her voice. It felt good to finally admit her fears, to admit her thoughts that had been locked in her mind for weeks. 

[itsjayyyy]

March 20, 2019 8:30 am

Alright I’m in a much better state of mind now. It’s been an astronomically long time since I’ve given an actual update on my life, not just venting. wow, just checked back at my last few updates and i really haven’t written almost anything about this semester, but So Much has happened.

okay so first of all: i switched majors. again. so I’ve done a lot of reflecting, about my whole plan for life. social work seemed like a good field for me because I want to help people, right? but in cps, you’re not always working with people to help them, a lot of the time is spent working /against/ your client to help their kids, who are often too young to understand what’s going on. You’re basically always fighting; a lot of posts on the social work subreddit are all about how to deal with clients who are uncooperative, or yell at you, etc. I want to state that mom is wrong when she says I’m “terrible with people,” I’m actually quite easy to get along with as long as you don’t purposefully seek to offend. But I am terrible with people who try to kick up shit all the time. I mean, I can barely handle dealing with an annoyed guest at starbucks, how am I supposed to spend the rest of my career dealing with that times, like, 100? And yeah, I know I always say that I can totally live on a small income, but man I sure do love the security of having a nice savings account. And donating to online charities is practically a hobby of mine, so having a big income would make it a lot easier for me to live the life of that rich person who pays off 100 gofundme’s for medical costs every month. 

And I’ve come to realize that the atmosphere of a class matters more than anything in terms of how well I’ll do. Not to sound arrogant, but I’m smart enough that I can pass any class that I try, I just need to put in effort. And effort comes a lot easier with a good atmosphere. The reason why I failed comp sci the first time was because the class had no interaction whatsoever. I mean, it was online and over the summer, and the professor gave us weekly emails telling us what assignments were due that week but he stopped doing that halfway through the semester so I just forgot about the class tbh. I felt so disconnected. And frankly, I’ve felt that way about stem since high school when I was the only girl and was always singled out because of it. That just made me go into college with a negative mindset. Even retaking comp sci was only originally for some stupid grade forgiveness so I could keep my scholarship. But this semester is just...different. My professor is just so lively, in a way that I’ve never had a stem class be. He starts off every class with “good evening everyone, it’s another day in paradise here at ucf in orlando, florida” (and sometimes he adds on “and some day you all will realize that” which tbh sounds kind of like an ominous threat to me) and throughout the class he’s always joking around, we can ask questions in class through his own website, we have a discord group to talk about the assignments that the TA is also in (and he shared pics of his dog once), all that stuff. Our professor also tells us about all the other resources we have, like supplementary instruction, tutoring (somehow those are two separate things), “the cave” (which is a room i think in HEC that is just generally inhabited by random comp sci students who hang out and can help with assignments), office hours not only for him but also his 2 TA’s. I’ve never been to any of those physical places but it’s nice knowing that I have a support system.

I know it’s the atmosphere and not just me trying to work harder, too, because I really walked into that class at the start of the semester already hating it. I gave it the last section of my 5-subject notebook specifically for how little I cared about it. (To me, calc was my priority. And yet I’m coasting by in comp sci with a 99 and a 100 on the first two exams (class averages being 72 and 68 respectively), while the same stale, disconnected atmosphere of calc has earned me a 52.) Last semester I ended with a 47% (written in as a D though, not sure if that’s because my professor wanted to give me mercy or if it’s because he wanted the pay raise associated with having your students pass). Comp sci just became a fun subject again. Coding really is my favorite thing.

The final push was a post I saw on the social work subreddit. It was about a case manager (what I wanted to go into) who had done a home visit and was unable to hide her disgust of having roaches crawling near her. I absolutely cannot. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back, I realized I needed a sanitized office to work in. Before I made the official change, I talked to my coworker shayna about it, because she’s 26 and currently in her last semester of her AA, and next semester she’s hoping to transfer to ucf to get her bachelor’s. She said it is kinda stressful to take so long to get a degree, but as long as you get it, it’s okay. I know that now that I’ve wasted 2 years, I’m probably gonna graduate a semester late, but it’s okay because iris did too. And rose has been at valencia for 4 years and she’s still working on her 2 year degree so...

Wow that took a lot of words to say. Back to how my classes are going: I did the math, and I would need to get an 80 on all 3 of my remaining calc exams to get a C overall. Yeah I’m kinda pissed at myself for figuring out I like comp sci in the middle of the semester, when i already got an F on the first 2 exams. Before, my mentality was “I’m just taking this class for grade forgiveness, I can literally get a D and raise my gpa, and then I’m never going back to stem,” but now that I’m back in stem I need to get a C or better. I mean, I could get a D and then retake the class, but the college of engineering only allows for 3 tries on a class so I would really be on my last attempt before I’m completely kicked out and have to find a new major, wasting even more of my time. I know I would absolutely kill it on the third attempt, but man I sure am gonna hate myself for letting it get to that. It’s not an issue of “the material is too hard for me,” but rather “i didn’t care when I really should have.” I never studied for the first 2 exams and got over half of it right on both, imagine what I could do if i did study. Anyways, 80 sounds manageable, right? I mean, it’s the low end of a B. But this class is cumulative, to in order to do well on the next exam which is literally next week, I have to study literally the entire course instead of just these last few units. AND I need to go even farther back and study trig, since I never took a formal class on it and that’s why I failed calc the first time. It’s been 4 years since I looked at the unit circle.

I’m trying to cut back on how much time I spend on my phone. I really think that’s the biggest detriment to me, that I always feel the need to look at it. Definitely using the forest app more often. All the time I spend cycling between the 3 social media apps I use, where I just look at the same posts over and over again every day, could be better spent studying or doing something else productive. 

In comp 2, we’re doing a semester-long individual research project about anything rhetoric-based. It has to be multimodal, eg not just “what’s the symbolism in this classic novel” but rather about society and media. A lot of people chose stuff like “how do women’s magazines push certain beauty standards” or “how is greek life (sororities, not the country) portrayed in american media and is it really accurate,” but because the professor stated that we should be “creating new knowledge and building upon an academic conversation,” I tried to come up with something that nobody had done yet: I chose “what are the motivations of the incel community?” And yeah, it’s so unique that when we had to do a literature review of what other scholars have already said about the subject, there were literally no academic journals on it. My literature review is just about the layout of a subreddit’s community and how the members interact (which has been discussed before), and from there I’m going to apply that to the incel community. I’ve done “research” by reading through their posts. Wow I just tried to ctrl+f this blog for “incel” and only one instance came up, from like november last year. It’s crazy, this has been kind of a big deal for me this semester. You know all those self-hating posts about my appearance recently? Well, I walked into this project thinking “man incels are stupid they just need to stop being entitled and care about their appearance a little and maybe then they could get a girl” but as I read through the posts I realized I was wrong. A lot of these men have issues that can’t be easily fixed, like being short, balding too young, just general bad face structure, and because of that people would instantly judge them. One guy even talked about how he had cerebral palsy and needs to walk with a cane, and his super handsome brother’s girlfriend was super patronizing to him. Frankly, a lot of their posts spoke to me. I mean, before I had braces I had a really recessed chin and while everyone said “oh I didn’t even notice,” you could tell that it made me less attractive and hence why nobody has ever asked me out. Not saying it’s the only cause, but you’d be lying if you said looks didn’t matter. Especially the posts about being considered uglier than their siblings, that really hit home for me. it’s like, I see their pain and I know how badly it hurts, but at the same time as a woman I’m obviously going to disagree with their response. When women were given harsh beauty standards, we took two routes: either try to improve artificially (makeup and plastic surgery), or work to dismantle it (body positivity movement). Men, who have always been a little entitled, just blame others. I feel like if incels started an actual body positivity movement for men, we could really go somewhere.

Damn, its been so long since my last genuine update that frankly I’m not sure where to go from here. Like so much has happened and I can’t really pick out anything that seems particularly noteworthy after 3 months. I think I’m gonna end this update here, then, and just promise to give more frequent updates from now on so I can go into more detail. Today I’m going to write an email for the future (like i try to a few times a year) to rehash the whole major change (since my last letter was all about how i just switched to social work), then do the comp homework, then study for calc I guess.

[readmyjournal1996-blog]

when you think you love something

12/3/2017

I thought that I loved biology. My senior year of high school, I had no idea whatsoever as to what I wanted to major in, and college apps were due soon. Then, in my AP Bio class, I saw the light! I was good at that class. i aced almost everything. It was something I wanted to actually try in.

I started to notice how many nature documentaries I was watching in my free time. And how much I loved to learn about new animals, especially those that live in the ocean. I loved biology, and I thought that I had found something that I wanted to study for the rest of my life.

Fast forward to 10:01 AM in my ecology lab of my junior year in college. I’m so sick of this class. It turns out that anything ecology involves endless counting, and I’ve also found out that I’m not the best counter. My cell bio class is another one that I’m totally sick of. For every test I’ve taken so far, I have gone in with such high expectations, but I liked to you Professor, I rewatched your damn lecture captures so many times, and guess who still gets a C on everything? I don’t think I’ve ever been this discouraged.

And this is only my first semester actually taking any major classes. So far, I don’t believe I’ve learned much more that I haven’t already heard of before. You think you love something until you actually experience it.

I’m not every fond of my classes this semester, and although it makes me think that that maybe bio isn’t for me, I just have to keep telling myself that this is only the beginning. I have three semesters left of biology classes, and maybe I can’t find something to rekindle this flame I thought I had.

The ocean and its marine life is what I really love of biology. In fact, I almost went to a college in Florida to study marine biology, to major in that specifically. I had gotten accepted and given a very hefty scholarship upon my admission, and all I had to do was pay for room and board. Yeah, it was like $12k a year, but /marine biology/! It was a dream come true. They had a marching band. I could have lived by the beach. Maybe made more friends?

It’s all what if’s that I never got to try out, and I think about that today as I sit in an echo-y lab room, trying to comprehend the words coming from my Nepal-born professor. He’s done some extraordinary work with snow leopards that is so cool, but I can’t understand anything more than that.

UIC has both a pep band and concert band, which I’ve decided to join. I thought that thrusting myself into something that I liked in high school would open some doors for me, and hep me make friends. Because I certainly didn’t have any of those in high school. Yet, wouldn’t you know, UIC has close to 0% school spirit whatsoever. Everyone already has their friend groups (including in band) and no one seems to be looking for anyone else. The few people I have managed to make friends with commute, and there’s no staying after class to hangout.

Believe me, I am grateful for those people who decided to still sit next to me this late in the semester. I am. I just wish that things were still a little different, mostly because that’s what I was expecting coming into a huge four year university.

I expected these groups of friends that wanted to stay late on campus to hangout and study. I expected people to say, “hey, let’s go grab something to eat!” I expected myself to be walking to class with a friend or two, and weekends spent with them too.

Right now, I’d like to take a moment to say how much I appreciate the one person who, in my opinion, has met every single one of these expectations. Her (fake) name is Rosa. She’s been such a great friend to me recently, and I can honestly say that I don’t think there has been anyone else whose taken even a moment out of there day to think about me and my feelings. I’m so happy that I have you as a friend Rosa, and I hope we continue to be friends while we’re both still here.

Other than here and our walks home together after class down Taylor, I find myself still very alone.

I haven’t thought about the fact that maybe I could be a junior in a marine biology program down in Florida right now, for a quite a while. Even though I think that things could be so different there, it’s probably not true! Things have always turned out to be just okay for me, in my opinion. Average things happen to very average people; I find myself to be one of the average-est.

I don’t know why I still expect things to be any different. For things to be better. I am so unsatisfied with what my 20-year-old life has become, and I’m just sad all the time. But am I sad because I don’t like how things have turned out? Or because I have depression?

Depression is a very weird thing. I think it definitely has more than one component to it. So I can’t decided if there’s maybe something wrong with me, or if I’m just an ungrateful bitch. It’s hard to tell. I am really trying to just be grateful for what I have, but it gets… so difficult for me to do when more and more things just don’t turn out in a decent manner for me.

I know most of you (if not all) are so annoyed with me at this point. “You have to be your own change!” “Things in your life are only as good as you make them!” But honestly, fuck off, okay? at this point in my life, nothing seems very worth it to me. I indulge in horrible practices, such as retail therapy and eating my feeling, and I don’t really have much more feeling to care about myself anymore.

When it comes to other people, it’s like my feeling that maybe I should pay to myself are amplified for others. I cannot bear the thought of something being upset because of something I’ve done, or could have done. I would much rather see myself suffer, than see others suffer, because in my mind, they are much more worth it than I am. For example:

> ANA HIIII > cause I ask you a huge favor pls. So I have a have my counselor meaning at 1:30 on west campus for my major and idk what time it'll end. Can you please take my iclicker for today?

This was literally just sent to me not even two minutes ago. I haven’t talked to her since the class has started. But yeah, sure, I’ll do it, where do you want to meet?

In her defense, she’s a super nice person. It’s not her fault things didn’t work out between us as friends.

God, I have such a hard time with that word, haha. Stick boy- inferno of it and I’ve made it easily 3 billion times worse. I get caught up in any boy who is decently attractive, and pays me any kind of attention at all. Hence my high school long relationship with my first boyfriend! I couldn’t break up with him for more than a week at a time, because the thought of him being sad was unbearable. Maybe Boys are another story for different day…