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batteredshoes · 4 years

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While we are lost...

together, alone in the starless night, consider this my unreleased track, my handmade mask, my dj set. My offering shared here in our digital panic room for these, our dark, dark days of spring...

Starless and Bible-Black

(with apologies to Dylan Thomas)

“You never take me anywhere”, she says. She says things like this. We are a too young married couple and all we know of marriage is what we’ve learned from TV. Specifically, 60’s and 70’s TV, which only adds to the confusion and writes the dialog. It is a shared vow that we wish not to model the behaviors of our parents. “I want to go to Santa Barbara”, she says. “I want to drive up the coast”. She wants and I understand. She wants and I want too. Two months of marriage and it’s already no honeymoon. In fact, we didn’t have a honeymoon. There is no honey on the moon. Tonight, there is no moon. Our unclosed eyes see the black and we are in the red and I think about the money dance in her grandmother’s backyard that netted about $150 dollars and I hear the chapel bells chime and we are going to Santa Barbara.

Clothes are put into paper shopping bags. Toothbrushes, sunglasses, sneakers. We stop at the Mobil station that is next to our apartment building and I fill the tank with unleaded altar wine and dreams of another California. I check the oil, the transmission fluid, the brake fluid and the air in the tires because I am young, and the car is old. She checks the map. It’s 11:30 PM and the hushed town is barely breathing. We are moving in silence on 101 somewhere in the valley when she says, “No, the coast”. It’s late and I think to myself that the coast is a bad idea and that the car is old. But I reason that we are young, and I never take her anywhere and I take the Topanga Canyon off ramp and ask the old car to climb into the sky for her.

When we do reach the ocean, it is black. Black like the road that will snake between the mountains and sand and take us north and away. It begins to rain, and I wish we were still at the Mobil station and I was buying wiper blades for a trip we did not take. But we are going to Santa Barbara where my parents first took me on a tour of the California Missions that we never quite completed. She grew up a Methodist and no longer believes in God. I believe prayer is useful and should be kept close at hand when you are driving after midnight on a winding coastal road on a moonless night in the rain. And it is then that the right rear tire pops like a cork on an old brown bottle of bad omens.

There’s a jack and spare and I’ve been here before and I struggle to open the faulty latch on the trunk. She gets out the car and asks if she can help me. But we have no umbrella or poncho or reason to be out here in the first place. I tell her that while I appreciate the offer, it makes no sense that we should both get wet and suggest she gets back inside the car to monitor the radio for possible reports of lone highway killers that might be loose in the general vicinity of Point Mugu. I say things like this because I can do the right thing but say the wrong thing.

I tighten the lug nuts with a cross of iron, a cross of my fingers and one Hail, Holy Queen and again we go dumbly, blindly, royally winding through the night. I am soaked to the skin now and back inside the car, sitting on the beach towel that lines the front bench seats. We have the old road all to ourselves and she is drifting away to a better world that has been promised her on television and I am trying to stay awake. We drift into a folded town that is slow and sleeping and still until the flickering glow of red neon cuts through the darkness. The vacancy sign on the Tides Motel, cautiously but magnetically slows the car to a stop. I walk up to the night window where a bumper sticker is affixed to the glass that reads, “Oxnard is for Lovers” and I think that this cannot be true. The man at the counter sticks a Q-tip between the pages of his Ross MacDonald paperback and grumbles through the bulletproof glass. $35 dollars passes between us and I have the key to Room 5. It is 3AM.

Back in the car I softly nudge her awake. The headlights shine on the red door to the room. Stepping inside, I feel around in the dark for the light switch. It gives life to a lamp in the corner of the room that must hold a 5-watt bulb, if that. The room is completely mirrored, the ceiling included. Wall-to-wall 12” x 12” mirror tiles surround us and we look our reflections through the gold veins in the glass. She looks at me incredulously and asks in a low voice, “What is this place?”. It is then that I notice there is a pole, padded and wrapped in black leather in the middle of the room. We are still victims of our young naiveté when I step on the remote, that was haphazardly left on the floor. The small TV mounted from the ceiling in the corner of the room comes on blaring and the fuzzy video on the small screen removes all confusion about the décor choices that have been made here. You could say that the TV really pulled the room together. I shut off the TV and writhing bodies fade to black and moaning voices go mute. Behind me, I hear her say, “No…no”. But we have to sleep, I plead and after a brief but tense negotiation, I go to the front desk and ask for towels. Four towels, five towels, as many as he’ll give me. More money is exchanged. When I return, she is standing in the same spot where I left her, frozen, as though she were surrounded by a mote of desperate, hungry creatures, born of unbridled lust and all the bad breaks in life. She greets my return with a stare that borders between relief and contempt. I tell her that we’ll laugh about this one day. I say things like that. “Today is not that day”, she says, and I blanket the bed’s thin red velvet-like cover with the clean towels, creating an island of white terrycloth in a crimson polyester sea. We lie down, fully clothed, for a few bare restless hours in the silent, black bandaged night.

At 7, we are awake with the sun and gather ourselves to leave. The nightstand drawer is slightly open, revealing a pair of handcuffs inside. She glares me as if I had time to put them there like some sort of exclamation point to a bad joke. We walk outside into the light and I look back into Room 5, tossing the key on the bed and closing the door behind me. We drive wordlessly through the rolling hills and eucalyptus trees that will soon connect us back with 101. We find a place for breakfast just off the highway near Ventura and the coffee cuts the chill and makes us closer. “The leather pole?” she questions, shaking her head, as the waitress walks away from our table. We both laugh, and I don’t think we quite understand why. A month before we married, her former hippie now District Attorney Mother bought us a copy of “The Joy of Sex”. Birdsong at Morning and all that business. Maybe joy is just around the corner for us, I think to myself. Maybe we should just keep driving. I never take her anywhere.

I show her the Mission this day. She’s never been. We go to the zoo in the afternoon and then to down to the beach at dusk and for a moment, I think that I can hear her dreams in the crash of the surf. We eat dinner in town at a place we can’t afford. When evening comes we can hear the invisible starfall. I find a Motel 6, just outside of town and we get a room there for the night. There are two full size beds, just like Lucy and Ricky had. I lie down on the one closest to the door and put a quarter in the Magic Fingers machine. The mattress begins to loudly shutter and shake. She sits down on the other bed and opens the nightstand drawer to reveal a Gideon’s Bible. “Thank God”, she says, closing it shut.

#batteredwords by batteredshoes #short story

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theliterateape · 6 years

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From the Archives: Unpacking Branson: A Thanksgiving Improbability

By Don Hall

For Thanksgiving in 2012, I was single and Mom decided that I should come out to my step-sister's place in Branson, Missouri for a good old-fashioned country Thanksgiving. The carrot was family. The stick was Missouri.

In the late 1960s it was pretty much a tiny city in the Ozarks known for roadside stands peddling wares that proliferated the hillbilly stereotype. And, sure enough, there are still today roadside stands that exist only to continue to make fun of that stereotype. It's an odd thing to walk into a business in the middle of the Ozarks that sells you the stereotype it tries to escape from. Like buying a taxi cab medallion from an East Indian store or an “I’m a Wetback” T-shirt in a store that sells Mexican merchandise.

It is said you cannot judge a book by its cover.

This is true most of the time, but there are some things you can judge immediately by its cover and pretty much know what your getting.

An Ann Coulter book. Sean Hannity. A FOX News broadcast. Great America. Applebee's.

I assumed that Branson, Missouri would fall into this latter category. I was right and wrong. And the complexities made it a real trip to remember.

Branson is where the Beverly Hillbillies came from before moving to California.

A winding series of roads littered with signs and theaters and restaurants. Lots of bumper stickers that declare “I’d Rather Be Dead Than SOCIALIST” and random tributes to past GOP glory. In the three days we trucked around the city, I counted perhaps one hundred people of color the entire time — I didn't start the trip by calculating this but after a bit, it was hard to escape. Thousands of old white people with canes and wheelchairs abounded but that doesn't really look that much different than Navy Pier or the audience at Chicago Shakes — old white people like to be tourists and Branson is, after all, a haven of tourism.

My step-sister, Hannah, tells me that the crack business booms among the residents of Branson and there is evidence around if you’re looking for it. The place is slightly schizophrenic in its place as a home to rednecks and hillbillies while trying desperately to distance itself from that by appealing to the tourist trade. There are places that stink of what one expects in Ozarks — a biker bar called the Hawg Trough that even my pro-GOP brother-in-law avoids and a Smoke Shop that doesn't sell cigarettes and has a pit bull guarding the door. But there are surprises that popped up during my three-day Thanksgiving vacation that defied my pre-judged expectations.

The surprises came in weird ways. When I arrived, we ate at a place called the Rowdy Beaver — a place with T-shirts that trumpeted “I Like Bald Beaver” and “That's A Mighty Nice Beaver” and had washboard walls. The thing that surprised was that the food was out of this world. It was delicious and well prepared and not at all what I expected. “Our chef prepares everything from fresh ingredients,” trumpeted our waitress who seemed completely fine with her job at a place filled with such juvenile innuendo.

The Hollywood Wax Museum was fun but the wax figures left me a bit wanting — a frequent refrain of our visit was my niece saying “Who's that?” and me doing my best to figure it out. I tried to convince my family to go to Silver Dollar City so I could find and steal a urinal cake but it was $60 per person and even I couldn't argue that $300 was reasonable for me to complete a toilet cookie tale. We had tickets to a magic show billed as the World's Largest (by the way, every attraction in Branson is billed as “Show of the Year,” “The Most Amazing in the World,” and “Mindblowing”) but the show was cancelled due to illness. Turns out Kirby VanBurch’s greatest trick is to take your money and disappear.

Our replacement show for the afternoon was going to be either Jim Stafford (I desperately wanted to see this) or SIX (the nieces had heard it was awesome). Stafford only did an 8 p.m. show, so SIX at the Mickey Gilley Theater it was.

SIX is six middle-aged brothers who debuted on the Donnie and Marie Show and have fashioned themselves as sort of an older version of an a cappella boy band. As soon as they started with a cheeseball version of Don’t Stop Believin’, Hannah and I turned to each other with a look of pained resignation. These guys had pretty good voices and the arrangements were fine but the self-consciously hip pose and cornball attempts at cool banter was unbearable. I learned that wanting to see an awful Branson show and actually sitting through one are two different things. I also learned that I will never, as a middle-aged white guy, ever use the words “homie” or “peeps” ever again. To be fair, the second act was better — a selection of Christmas songs and a tribute to their dead mother. Apparently this tiny woman had ten children, all boys, and I suspect she isn't dead but just got the fuck out of there before having to bear an eleventh kid. But the damage of the first act left me scarred and a little terrified of that evening’s show — Legends at the Dick Clark American Bandstand Theater.

Legends is a show that debuted in Vegas and moved to Branson. It is a rotating cast of celebrity impersonators ranging from Barry White, Marilynn Monroe and Tim McGraw to the staples of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson. Our bill was George Strait, Whitney Houston, the Blues Brothers, Liberace and Elvis. As we entered and sat down, once again surrounded by octogenarians, I steeled myself. This was going to be fucking awful.

And it wasn’t.

Really. In fact, it was a blast. The Whitney Houston knocked it out of the park, Liberace was funny but completely inappropriate in a callback to the dark days of The Gay Closet and the Elvis impersonator was so fucking good, if we had been sitting in the nose bleeds it would’ve been like actually seeing Elvis live. My mom, a huge Elvis fan from when he was alive, commented that he was the best Elvis impersonator she had ever seen. Hell, even my teenaged nieces enjoyed the show.

But we saved the best, most Branson-y show for Saturday. Yakov Smirnoff. Holy shit. I couldn’t wait. I was absolutely certain it would embody everything I expected Branson to be — cheesy, cloying, the very portrait of a has-been celebrity stretching out his 15 minutes of fame as paper thin as he could in the heart of the Vegas of the Ozarks. We were greeted by a giant Yakov head making awful jokes about... the size of his head! Inside, it turned out that Yakov was a painter and had his paintings for sale!

The beginning of the show was the longest version of the national anthem I’ve ever heard (who know there were, like, nine verses?) and then I was hit with another fucking surprise. On the video screens came an old Paul Harvey “The Rest of the Story” about a painter known as Jacob who painted and commissioned a painting in tribute to the fallen at Ground Zero in NYC following the Attacks of 9/11. Painted on the side of a building overlooking the rubble, it was the backdrop to the first anniversary of the attacks. The painter was an anonymous Yakov Smirnoff. He paid for the commission out of his own pocket.

Some of his show was what I expected: a revisitation of his “What a Country!” schtick from the ’80s—a sketch of him as the president answering questions from the audience, and he actually quoted the Lee Greenwood God Bless the U.S.A. as a closer. But other parts were not at all what I anticipated. Turns out that Yakov went out and got a Master's Degree in psychology and decided that his show could also serve as a relationship counseling session as well. Sort of like Defending the Caveman meets a less arrogant Dr. Phill with the takeaway being that we begin relationships laughing and giving each other little gifts and that, if we simply return to giving each other gifts and finding laughter in our relationships, we’ll be happier, healthier people.

Was it a great show? Not really. The dancers were cheesy and only there to fill time, the jokes were funny in a “Yeah, I remember that one” sort of way, the political stuff was tame (although at one point, Yakov asked the audience who was happy with the results of the latest election — a smattering of applause that included my mother and I enthusiastically cheering — and who was ticked off by it — a thundering, slightly ugly ovation — with the Russian comic commenting “Yeah, that's about even...”) and the recurring pro-America stuff was hard to hear after a while. But the thing is... I liked him.

I mean, I really liked the guy. He was so overwhelmingly sincere and genuine. Christ, I wanted to hug him. And, while his show is corny and inoffensive and gentle and perfect for the Branson tourist crowd, this is a guy who lives in Branson, Missouri suggesting that people spend time laughing and loving one another instead of being shitbags.

Prejudice is a funny thing. Judging books by their covers is what we do as people. I imagine it’s a hard drive instinct. But, as I am often heard saying, while we are all unique and precious snowflakes and each of us is completely distinct, we are all made of fucking snow. We all are simply people trying our best to get along in the world. Yes, that means that our baser, uglier instincts come to play like ordinary people rioting in a Walmart on Black Friday to get a discount on a portable DVD player. It also means that our better, more generous nature comes into play, and sometimes it's nice to be reminded that even in Red State Hell, Yakov Smirnoff is telling thousands of people every week to just be fucking nicer to each other.

On Thanksgiving, the point is to be with friends or family and celebrate those things in our lives we are (or should be) thankful for. Sure, the holiday is laden with cultural markers that include the genocide of the Native Americans and our national quest to bequeath every American with diabetes but the point is gratitude. Gratitude can come from a lot of places and I’m thankful to remember the lessons I learned in Branson.

#Jim Stafford #Branson #Thanksgiving #Silver Dollar City #Missouri #SIX #Yakov Smirnoff

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newluddite · 5 years

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Automobile Stylists

Some people call them designers. No the designers are the engineers who try to make the crazy ideas work. Stylists make things look like something it probably is not.

On my way to work I found myself behind an H3 hummer a really poor styling exercise. Got me thinking. The original Humvee is a rugged and very useful military vehicle. It is large but carries usually only 4 to 6 people. It built a powerful reputation and GM decided to capitalize on that. The Humvee (H1) is stupid large and fuel inefficient but men with small penises still buy them to drive on the streets. But soccer moms need more practical volume so GM adapted two of its SUV and pickup chassis as the H2 and the H3.

The stylists tried to make a Chevy Tahoe look like the Humvee by adding flat slab sides and big grill slots and plastic lifting hooks. The Humvee is designed to be airlifted by helicopters so it has shackles on the hood and rear to attach slings. They put plastic look-a-like things on the H2. They also put tow hooks on the front and back bumper or at least things that looked like tow hooks. Overall for soccer moms or wannabe tough guys who have wives the Tahoe version is far better as it has room for 7 passengers and gets far better fuel economy. It is easier to get into and out of too.

Famously some people decided to go 4-wheeling with these things. Around here there is a lot of this activity and the preferred vehicle is a Jeep or a vintage Toyota Landcruiser. They can go up logging roads and bare slopes in basically stock form. With a bit of investment you can make them very good at crawling through mud and over rocks. Do not take an H2 or H3 on such trips, especially when the jeep owners have video cameras in the age of YouTube.

First the plastic tow hooks cannot actually be used to pull anything. They snap off. Why would any rational person put such things on a SUV bumper? Stylists thought it looked good and “tough.” The H3 in traffic in front of me had them. In a notorious video a Jeep bounces up a rocky river bed like a happy puppy after a stick. It is followed by an H2 that promptly shatters its front suspension. Soon after Jeeps started to sport bumper stickers saying “Hummer Recovery Vehicle.”

To be fair the original Humvee was so well made that unless hit by ordinance they just keep going. The factory that made them needed new product to keep the assembly lines running. So the H2 was made by the same people who built the real thing. I wonder what they thought about the phony plastic shackles and the weak suspension parts.

The H2 stopped production in 2009 and the H3 in 2010. They were not good enough compared to other SUVs on the market and were more expensive.

The H3 in front of me had BIG chrome wheels and very low profile tires. I very much doubt it would ever leave the road intentionally. It would probably leave the road unintentionally fairly often. A real poser. All hat no cow.

It isn't just SUVs either. Almost every aftermarket spoiler on a sports car is styled and never sees a wind tunnel. Those are expensive and a sketchbook is good enough aint it? Aero kits for your VW come from the same thing. You are not driving a race car to work, but you can make it look like one, or at least raceyish. Dare not take it to a track though. They are only not laughing at you from politeness.

#automotive stylist #Hummer #plastic tow hooks

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profoundgardenertree-blog · 6 years

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Iam 22 now, I am under my fathers geico policy, I pay $278.00 a month, not even full coverage. My car is Nissan Maxima 00. I have never been in car accident since I got my license for 4 years now. I know Iam paying little too high cuz my sis who turn 18 is also on the policy now by law. For that price I should be getting full coverage !! But wondering how much are you guys paying for your insurance monthly etc? College kids related only please, dont tell me you pay dirt cheap cuz your 40 years old, thats obivious. Also what is the cheapest company I can switch to ? cuz Iam in college and have barely any money, all my money goes in the insurance and if Iam lucky I get to gas up a full tank maybe once a month lol.""

Why does this motorcycle insurance quote from progressive sound too good to be true?

I'm 17 a year old male; my 12 month progressive quote came up as $161 for motorcycle insurance. Why is it so inexpensive when everyone around me says it's going to be expensive!!! Did I just type something in wrong or what? I don't know if this helps, but I live in a rural town in Oregon(population: about 3000) and have had my drivers license for one year and four months. I'm taking the motorcycle safety course at the end of August, and the bike I entered into progressive is a 1984 VF500F Honda Interceptor. I hope it's only $161/yr because that's a fraction of what I pay for car insurance!!!! XD""

Where can I get affordable health insurance?

Will I go to jail for not having health insurance?

I can't afford full coverage insurance for my car loan. Are there any consequences?

How much would insurance be?

How much money would it be to add someone to my insurance, for farmers?""

""What would my insurance possibly be with a 318 V8, for my first truck? (vehicle)?""

okay, im 15 now, but i found a truck i want desparetly, its an 87 dodge it needs some work but for a first car, any vehicle i want will need some work, i can get the truck fairly cheap an have to put money into it, an rebuild the carborator, etc. but if i get it now, an have it running, for when i get m license, everyone is telling me that having a 318 V8 is going to be expensive insurance, does anyone have any idea how much a price range would be? or a way to figure out a price range to insure this truck? Please an Thankyou.""

How to convince my dad to insure the car? Thanks?

I had a car accident in my 2004 Honda under my dads insurance. Im 19 and I didnt get dropped from insurance. The accident had 3 claims of bodily injuries and a total loss car & I was at fault. I have the money to buy another vehicle but my dad wont insure it till the case settles. How do I convince him to insure me now while the case is settling? Hes afraid I might crash before the case is settled but I learned from my car mistake. What do I say? Thanks

Car insurance does anyone know of an inurance company that is both cheap and reliable?

having had a dispute with my insurance company i was advised by the office of fair trading to cancel my car insurance policy and reclaim I only own a small car and having searched the internet i find that i can not find insurance for less than 500. Does anyone know of a reputable insurance company that is cheap and reliable?

What is the approx. monthly cost for a car insurance for a 19 year old?

i have about one year with my license, i dont have a car yet, but i want to learn more about car insurances before i get one, and i want an idea of what is the cost.""

""I have been married for nearly 20 years in california, but my husband and I were separated after only one year?""

What laws are there for spousal support in a legal separation and what medical benefits am I entitled to, he says we need to stay married because he is a teacher and I will not qualify for health benefits if we file a legal separation or divorce. I know he gets the head of household tax break, but isn't there a bigger break on spousal support. As I said he is a teacher and I am permanently disabled. We live in the state of California. Thanks for any suggestions on this matter. Right now i have a PPO insurance with good benefits. It is the support that is lacking, And no I am not even looking for my fair share I just want a little closer to fair on support. I live way below the poverty level.""

Any decent car insurance company for 17 years old in uk? ?

I have bought a Honda civic 1.4 and I am looking for some car insurance company would take 17 years old young driver I have got some is lik 7000 and 9900, which is ridiculous so I am wondering if any of yours know some company can get me a decent quote. Thank you""

What's a good life insurance?

My stepdad smokes a pack a day, and drives a truck for a living and I was wondering what would be a good life insurance for my mom should anything happen to him since he seems like high risk? They are middle class family in the burbs.""

Pitbull and homeowners insurance?

My insurance company is threating to drop me because I own a bully....can they really do this is there anyway to fight this?

Health insurance?

im 21 years old i dont know anything about health insurance what affordable insurance would you recommend?? i want to get braces

What is the normal procedure for a car accident without insurance?

On Febuary 2012, I had a car accident and I hit the FWD Nissan, The car that I hit is still drivable condition, the only damage that I caused was a dense on the door. But My car was damaged badly, but it was fixed for $4000. Six months later, I receieved a bill from other car insurer asked me to pay $12k for the repair of the damage. HOwever, I did not recieve any phone call from the victims or the victim's insurance company at all. So is that a proper procedure for the insurer to call me and ask me about the accident? Because I did not know what I did to pay $12k, as in you could buy a new car for that....""

My friend needs to fake his death for insurance money?

any tips ?

What cheap cars to buy insurance wise?

Looking to see what is a good car (within UK) to buy for a 1st time driver that just passed test. I was thinking corsa or Ka something 1.3 or lower, only requirement I have is the same reason for a car and give up motorcycles- need the car to be able to fit a baby seat comfortably in the back seat, any suggestions?""

Have Democrats forgotten that Candidate Obama opposed forcing people to buy health insurance?

http://www.campaignforliberty.com/blog.php?view=27950 As Obama said in the January 31st primary debate: Senator Clinton. . . believes that we have to force people who don't have health insurance to buy it. Otherwise, there will be a lot of people who don't get it. I don't see those folks. And I think that it is important for us to recognize that if, in fact, you are going to mandate the purchase of insurance and it's not affordable, then there's going to have to be some enforcement mechanism that the government uses. And they may charge people who already don't have health care fines, or have to take it out of their paychecks. And that, I don't think, is helping those without health insurance. That is a genuine difference.""

Why do people in the US waste money on car insurance?

Health insurance from company?

how come my coworker pays only 20 bucks per paycheck for the health insurance, and i need to pay 50 bucks?""

Life insurance for young couples...?

I've been searching online for a very cheap life insurance For me and my husband.. But no luck.. We live in NY. Can any send me a link Are just tell me about any u may know?.. Thanks a lot. Am 28yrs and he is 37yrs. Thanks in advance..

Auto insurance Price?

I have USAA for auto insurance and I have been paying about $1,000 every 6 months. I did a online quote with Geico and for the exact same coverage(supposedly) it will be $364 every 6 months. How are they THAT MUCH CHEAPER? Is there any reason why I should not leave USAA today and go to Geico?""

""Car insurance strange quotes, why?""

Back in August, I got a quote on a car, it worked out as 900 for the year.(I'm only 17), and since then I've been getting regular quotes, and can't help but notice how much it's gone up. In only 2 months, it's gone up from 900 to 1900. I haven't changed a thing, and if you've used confused.com you'll know that you can just re-quote, which is what I've been doing. Anybody know why it's gone up so much. By the way it goes up about 40 a day at the moment. Could it be because it's the end of the month, or the end of the year? Thanks to any answers in advance.""

Life Insurance needed for Motor Insurance ?

Hello, I will be buying a ne bike in about a weeks time. Someone told me that for the Insurance for the Bike, I will need to have a Life Insurance policy also e.g from LIC or else I could face problems. Is this correct ?""

Am over 25 yday passed my test but cant get cheap insurance for a small car.?

here it is. am 25+ and yesterday passed my driving test. looking over the internet for insurance for nissan micra 3 dr 1L 3 door. cheapest i can get is 140. my cousin who is 4 years younger than me, he got it for 94. tried same company aswell. am i missing any trick?need help suggestion and recomendation""

How much would US insurance cost?

I am driving across america with a friend in a 1975 Camaro so I need us car insurance. I am 18 (Full UK licence) and have had no claims. However I only need insurance for 3 months.

""Cheap teen car insurance, best car to get?""

16, licensed, in high school with a b average. I know some insurance places give a discount for a b average. I know older cars with a good safety rating tend to have cheaper insurance quotes, if you can, please list some cars that you know would be cheaper to insure. Also, if you know the insurance companies that do discounts for a b average I would like to know. I am a safe driver so I'm not too worries about good coverage, I'm only driving to school and back daily. I need to pay for this myself so doing high school, running start, and having a part time job I wont be able to pay for anything too expensive. So, best cars to get? and best insurance?""

Is marriage counseling covered by insurance?

i have blue cross blue shield, will they cover marriage counseling? if it matters i live in Louisiana""

""How much extra does it cost on your car insurance to use your car in your job, such as delivery driver in UK?""

How much extra does it cost on your car insurance to use your car in your job, such as delivery driver in UK?""

How much does car insurance cost for a new driver?

Im 18. i live in California. i own a 2003 nissan altima. Ive had my license for over a year. The car is ONLY under my name and i will be the only one driving it. Ive gotten quotes but they have been as high as $1000 for 6 mths of full coverage. Any advice on something cheaper or how to save money.

Should i get insurance for my first car? Where can i get CHEAP car insurance? I live in Aus.?

Should i get insurance for my first car? Where can i get CHEAP car insurance? I live in Aus. I am looking at buying a s13 non turbo at 11k. when i looked for a quote the minimum was like 5k which i do not have the money seeing as i am going to have to get a loan for my car.

What will happen if I drive without car insurance and get caught?

I drive my parents Grand Prix every once in a while, but i do not ever drive the ford expedition. I asked my stepfather will it be okay for me to drive back to college, he said no. He said that it will cost to much to add me on at this point. My mom does not want me to drive sometimes, because she think my license will be revoked or I would have to pay a large fine. I want to have a car on campus, because I do not like being stuck their mostly throughout the week, even though the semester is about over. Is it a good idea to drive without car insurance.""

How much would Insurance be on this car?

I'm thinking about buying a 1974 Chevy Nova 4 Door sedan and I was wondering how much insurance would be on USAA? I'm a teenager so i'm expecting to be paying around $150 to $175 a month. Anyone who can give me a quote, I would appreciate it.""

If I drive a car that has insurance but not in your name in Florida?

If there is a car accident can I get in trouble? Meaning can I get a ticket if someone rear ends me? A friend of mine was in an accident and they were rearended the car owner had insurance would that cover said friend?

AUTO INSURANCE FOR YOUNG DRIVERS?

I've been driving since about last summer, and i've tried looking for some auto insurance inexpensive something i can afford, no luck so far, i heard there is a government sponsored insurance that can help people out so they wont be driving around without insurance? is this true? or does anyone know cheap auto insurance, im a good driver its just check points really scare me when im out during the weekends. thanks!""

How much money insurance can offer my car severely damage in accident 1999 Mitsubishi diamante 132000 mileage?

some one hit in front while i was waiting to traffic pass , i have aaa and they have state farm insurance.""

I got a ticket for failure to show insurance in NJ . How will this effect my insurance rates.?

The day I got my car, I was got a ticket for not having insurance in NJ.I had insurance but paper had not come in the mail yet. I went to court and it was lowered to failure to show insurance and I paid like $185. How will this effect my points and and my insurance rates. Should I reopen my case and plea not guilty or see if I could get it dismissed and would I have to get a lawyer for that? Is it worth the money? This is my first ticket ever. I though he would dismiss my case after explaining my case but my public defender was really rude and impatient when I asked him If I could have the case dropped saying You're should be glad I am not getting your license taken for a year! which is true, but I had proper documentation so there was not way my license would have been suspended.""

What would Jesus do I f he didn't have car Insurance?

what would Jesus do I f he didn't have car Insurance ? and there was no help from god?

What is the cheapest car insurance?

Im a 16 year old boy, have a 2002 chevrolet 4x4 v8 truck.... all i want is liability and right now i pay $159.00 a month through american family. do you know anyone cheaper?""

Auto insurance question -- Florida?

My daughter can't really afford the insurance on her car; it's a 2003 Jetta and if she keeps it she will probably have to do a certain amount of repairs. Right now she has full coverage but is considering dropping the collision to lower the cost. If, God forbid, she should get into an accident without collision coverage, could she sue the other driver to repair or replace the car? Would she be likely to be successful? I am not hopeful of anything like that happening, believe me, but you just don't want to lose your investment especially if you have spent a lot on repairs. Thanks in advance for any insights.""

Sue other persons car insurance company!

I was hit from the back while sitting in traffic and the insurance company did not pay to fix my car. how would i go about suing that insurance company and what do i need?

Does anyone have any idea how much insurance would cost for this car?

the car i want is a 1987 pontiac fiero fastback gt with a 5 speed manual transmition and a 2.8 L engine. what would insurance be for a 16 or 17 year old male?

""When will my car insurance rates get cheaper, due to having a clean driving record?""

I know I didn't do the best job asking the question, but I'll try to be short and sweet. I'm going to turn 18 in one month and 5 days. I got my license exactly one year ago, November 14th,2009. In January 2010, I got into a small accident, it was during my midterms at school, was a little stressed, but I rear-ended somebody, sadly not in my crappy car that would've cost barely anything to fix, but in my fathers expensive car. Now there was no damage done to the other car, and barely any damage done to my fathers, but because the airbags deflated (which ended up being the most expensive thing to fix) it was a hefty amount to pay. Insurance covered it (geico) and they advertised that the first accident wouldn't effect our rates. Well they lied and it did, so our rates went up because of my one accident. Since the incident, my parents have not got into an accident in at least 7 years, and since my accident all i have received is a few parking tickets. All in all, what I'm asking is; when are my insurance rates going to go back down? I'm going to remain on my parents insurance for a while, just because its cheaper etc etc... and I know I'm still under 25, and a guy, but will they ever go back to the original price they were at when I got my license? (before they got raised)""

Insurance prices?

does the color of a vehicle have anything to do with the price of insurance?

Why do people in the US waste money on car insurance?

""I am 17 and looking into purchasing a black 1996 Bmw 328i convertible for $7000, what would my insurance be?""

The car is in my price range, but im just trying to research how much insurance will be. I am 17 have good grades, an Eagle Scout and in National Honor society and my annual mileage would be anywhere from 5-10,000k""

Estimate how much car insurance would cost?

16 year old guy, with a 2001 Ford F250 Supercab, 160,000 miles. How much do you think insurance would cost per month?""

What's a cheap car insurance company for drivers with alot of points.?

Is anyone in need of affordable life insurance and you live in South Carolina?

Whats the cheapest car insurance?

I am a 23 year old male, with one wreck on my record from a few years back, I have a 2012 Mazda 3 what do you think would be the cheapest way to get car insurance? I currently have geico, with a 1000 deductible for basic comprehensive and collision, and I'm paying 175""

Where can I get health insurance at low cost in Colorado?

I make $500/month and want to put $1000 down on a $8000 car mom pays insurance...how much will payments range?

POLL: How much do you pay for car insurance?

i asked about how much car insurance costs but didn't get any great answers, so i'm just going to do a little survey""

Are there life insurance policies for seniour citizens?

Where can I get Affordable Life Insurance?

How do I find out how much my car insurance per month is on USAA?

How much will insurance go up on state farm now that a 16 year old has their licence?

i am turning 16 in a couple days and my rents were wondering about the cost of insurance and keep procrastinating it.

""High deductible, low premium?""

hello, can someone please explain insurance terminology? what does high deductible mean? who should get this and who SHOULDN'T? i am trying to help my parents by purchasing ...show more""

How Much Is Insurance For a 16 Year Old Girl?

16 year old girl Good school attendance record.Grades could be better. Dallas,Texas. Hispanic(If that matters) Mom and Stepdad have Allstate insurance What is the general price range? And for these cars,can you estimate(I'm NOT getting these cars just curious)I am getting a used Dodge avenger though!(: 2008 Dodge Charger 2010 Chevy Camaro 2008/2009 Dodge Avenger""

Driver Education/Insurance Rate Information?

For my Driver Education class, one of the assignments goes as follows: Call a local vehicle insurance company and ask if you can take a few minutes to ask some questions. Ask what the insurance rates will be for you when you are ready to drive. Also, ask what the rates would be for someone your age who is not taking any driver education classes. What will the rates be when you are 25 years old? What are they for a person without driver education? What are they for someone convicted of driving while intoxicated? If anyone could spare me the phone call, it would be greatly appreciated.""

How much can i expect to pay for storage insurance?

I plan on getting a street bike, and sitting my truck. I pay 1400 dollars a year for full coverage right now.""

What's the best car insurance?

Got a good quote from 21st century insurance. I'm thinking of switching from my Geico. I'd save a little bit but if anyone thinks Geico is a much better company then I'd probably stay. Any advice out there? Should I keep looking? I live in Florida. Thanks!

""Buying car insurance(GEICO) for the first time ,?""

Okay so in approximately 9 months I will be purchasing my first car , now I know the smartest and safest thing you can do first is get insurance .. what I need to know is how does it work , like do i get the insurance first ? How does buying geico insurance work ? what's the prices for first time buyers ? Do I pay buy the month , every other month ? .""

Car Insurance Question?

Here's the quick version of the story- I'm 21 and have just totaled my Altima on a rainy night, crashing into the back of a parked SUV, also totaling that. I have received a $700 bill for the ambulance, a $1200 for the radiography and, here's the kicker, a $24,000 bill for the hospital. I do not have medical insurance or medical coverage on my car insurance and will not be able to pay off the hefty hospital bill. What options do I have?""

Why does health insurance pay for doctor visits and teeth cleaning?

My car insurance doesn't pay for oil changes. Basic maintenance is up to me. As near as I can tell insurance is like an expensive savings account that you can take more money than you put in if needed.

Sports Car Insurance <--------- 10 POINTS HURRY UP!@@@?

I'm getting a new car, I'm going to be 18 and which of the following is a sports car and how much would insurance cost me every 6 months if I have good-student discount, taken drivers ed, and would it cost less if I put the primary driver under my parents name. Possible: C-300 Luxury from Mercedes Benz (sedan) C-350 Sport from Mercedes Benz (sedan) 328i from BMW (sedan) 335i from BMW (sedan) IS350 from Lexus (sedan) IS250 from Lexus (sedan) Thanks""

Will My car insurance go up if a 16 year old gets a older 2 door car?

Car Insurance/homeowners insurance?

Is Response Insurance a good company? I'm looking to lower my current rates with American Family. Response gave me some really good rate quotes.

Step parents health insurance?

I was wondering is it possible for my soon to be wife, to put my kids on her health insurance plan from work? The children live with us. We are in california.""

Is it illegal to not have insurance on a car you don't drive?

It's tagged and everything, just don't see the point in paying for car insurance if it isn't getting driven.""

Why do people in the US waste money on car insurance?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-does-motorcycle-insurance-texas-cost-sokolowski-kareen"

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restlessjourneyor-blog · 7 years

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Bumper Stickers

I find myself perturbed, on a rather regular basis, by the repetitive sight of a sticker-cluttered bumper as I look through my windshield. As an avid fan of expressing your beliefs and interests to all of the world, there is something about bumper stickers that is bothersome to my analytical brain for a few different reasons..

The sheer quantity of some bumper stickers on the back of cars is rather perplexing to me. If it is to the point where from the back of your car I cannot tell what color it is, you have too many stickers. There are people who have layers of bumper stickers on their cars inch thick! It’s like they are saying “must keep buying bumpers stickers….can’t forgo telling the world to… ‘Coexsist’.” It is truly a crazy phenomenon, bumper sticker hysteria, and it’s is so ubiquitous. It doesn’t really matter what state, city you are in, or what road you are on. Bumper stickers are everywhere.

Why are you forcing your opinions and interests about EVERYTHING to me and all other fellow drivers? And not only are you expressing these opinions CONSTANTLY, but you are expressing them to an audience of hundreds of people who did not even ask for them. I am just there driving along, and you feel it necessary to convey to me, through your stick figure family, that you have seven kids and dog (whom all love Disney I’m assuming, since you have Mickey Mouse ears on your stick figures…even the dog) and you want “Hillary for Prison”.

It is my stance, that the purpose of expressing your opinion is to evoke a discussion with another party (one who may or may not possess your same views). Buttt, bumper sticker ROB us from the opportunity to discuss (unless of course you happen to be getting into your car in the Walmart parking lot just as I am getting out of my car, and I have the opportunity to ask you what your ‘Friends of Coal’ bumper sticker means). Otherwise, the sole purpose of these elaborately adorned bumpers is to offer me a Googling pastime while I ride shotgun on a long road trip, and of course to wonder who feels comfortable enough to proclaim “Save the Tatas” to all of their fellow drivers.

Now, this is not to say that I don’t agree with some bumper stickers, and that the ideas expressed are not useful or important. I mean, I am all about “Saving the Trees” or visiting a sweet national park, however, more often than not I find myself rolling my eyes when another car passes me, with a sicker-laden bumper.

Never afraid to admit my own hypocrisy, I will say that I do have one magnet on my bumper, and one small sticker on my back window. I have my 13.1 magnet (those are the number of miles in a half marathon in case you don’t know) and a small fish sticker with the letters BSU AFS inside it.

Before you go jumping to conclusions that I put the 13.1 sticker to gloat everyone “look what I did!”, that’s not it all. I have that magnet on my car to remind me of what my mom achieved. Never having run more than 4 miles at once, she ran an entire half marathon, without stopping. So, selfishly, I use that magnet as a constant source of encouragement that nothing is impossible if not succeeding, is not an option. Do I need it on my car to remind me of the memory? Certainly not, but the magnet was a gift from my mom, and it would just be rude for it go unused.

As for the fish, my good friend and I designed the sticker to further promote the organization that helped make me the person I am today, and introduced me to some of the people I love the most in the world. To most people, the letters inside the fish mean nothing, and it just looks like a fish sticker (which is fine, because fish are freaking awesome anyways), but to me it means so much more.

So, as I write these last paragraphs, I realize that I could venture to guess that a lot of people have similar stories to mine that go along with each of their bumper stickers. Never having feared self-transformation or a change of opinion, maybe now I have decided to be less perturbed by bumpers speckled with stickers, and instead understand that the stickers, in whatever quantity, must have a meaning to the driver who decided to put them on there.

0 notes

kampa77-blog · 7 years

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Yes, I drive a Jeep. Yes I know they get crappy fuel mileage, and they have about as much interior room as shoe box and on the road you feel every bump. But damn, can they drive off-road !!!

Having led some great weekend and day trips, with groups of just three up to fifteen, of varying brand and models of four-wheel drive vehicles, I think I’ve seen it all. I believe my knowledge of tracks ,and what vehicles and drivers may, or may not find challenging, is slightly higher than the average four-wheel drive hobbyist. I am very confident in what I can, or can not do in my Jeep Wrangler TJ.

Like any four-wheel drive enthusiast, I have spent months tinkering, modifying adding or removing parts to personalise my machine, and make it what I believe to be an off-road weapon. Every four wheel driver believes this of they’re vehicle. That is until we’re humbled by an obstacle we can’t drive over, thorough or around. Then we’re back to modifying to make sure we can beat that obstacle the next time we go out.

We all work for a reason. To pay off a loan, a house or afford that next holiday. I work for those things too, but I also work to afford to do the things I enjoy doing, when I’m not working. I don’t drink, smoke or gamble. What I do, is spend a lot of time waiting for parts to arrive, so I can fit them to my Jeep. When I’m not doing that, I’m looking for parts to buy, or actually fitting them. It seems I spend more time doing this than actually driving, but it’s what makes me happy.

Every man needs to justify the fact he’s spent $400 on suspension. I like to keep things simple and say “It’s so that we’ll be safer when driving off-road” or “Look Babe, see how smooth the ride is now, I did that for you !”. The accompanying “You can’t pull the wool over my eyes” look is priceless.

I’ve driven several different automotive brands off-road in my time. Land Rover, Suzuki, Nissan, Toyota, but Jeep has stuck with me for some reason. I find the brand versatile in that if you don’t want a roof above you, you simply opt for a soft top. The soft top can open up to have a sun roof, you can go windowless, or simply convertible. The windscreen folds down to resemble a Jeep like off the TV show MASH, you can even remove the doors if you so desire. No other brand of off-road capable vehicle has as much diversity as the jeep. The only other brand that comes close is the Land Rover, but they stopped making those models years ago.

People are funny when it comes to brands. I have found that Nissan and Toyota drivers really dislike Jeep drivers. Maybe it’s because the Jeep comes straight off the assembly line as a more capable vehicle, than they’re make and model. But that’s what Jeep is about. You don’t have to spend thousands on it to make it drive well off-road, it’s actually designed with that purpose in mind. A Nissan Patrol ( GQ or GU ) is a suburban four-wheel drive with towing a boat or caravan and the occasional gravel road in mind. The same goes with the Toyota landcruiser. Both very good vehicles and capable in their own rights in mud and over rocks, but to get serious, a lot of work needs to be done, ie, suspension, drive train, reduction gears etc. I know this having driven them myself, and the work required etc.

Jeeps don’t tow. I’m talking about the Wrangler models in specific the TJ and JK. They’re designed to be a recreational off-road vehicle. You just have to look at the TJ Wrangler for example. It has a max unbraked towing capacity of just 650kg’s. Practically nothing, braked towing capacity of under a tonne. What !!?? This suggests the designers had something else in mind when designing these vehicles.

The Jeep wave. Yes, there is such a thing, and people become wankers when you don’t wave back from behind the wheel of your jeep. There are bumper stickers highlighting the fact that you are an advocate of the “Jeep wave”. I personally will wave to anyone who waves at me regardless of what they drive. Does that make me a wanker, oh I hope so.

Apparel. I do own a pair of Jeep trousers, not to mention a few jeep t-shirts. Would I go out of my way to buy them, no. My brother works at Jeep and has flicked a few freebies my way, otherwise I’m not the sort of guy that has to display the vehicle I drive on my shirt. That’s a big negative in my books to being a brand whore. I actually don’t think I would be caught dead wearing a red shirt with a Ferrari emblem on it, let alone a Toyota or Nissan shirt.

Here in Australia, the authorities are very controlling on what someone can or can’t do to their vehicle. A four-wheel drive vehicle can not be lifted more than 2.5 inches above factory height, and that’s including tyres. You must not have tyres protruding past the guards or wheel arches, and you must have mudflaps to an angle of 45 degrees or greater on your vehicle to prevent stones from being flicked up behind your vehicle. This restricts many brands of four wheel drive vehicles from ever being able to be driven off-road as you simply cannot modify them within the law to be capable on the tracks and trails we have available to us. And only registered vehicles can be driven on the tracks and trails, meaning if your vehicle doesn’t pass inspection, it can’t be registered. Just look at the picture below of who trolls through the bush in search of offenders of such vehicles.

The purpose of driving recreational vehicles is to drive places a normal, road purposed vehicle can’t go, to see scenery, reach locations and enjoy the trip to such places. The roads we drive these vehicles are challenging, the trails demanding and the tracks treacherous. The fun that’s to be had is in-measurable. I for one, and glad to say that I enjoy doing this as often as I can. But there’s one thing I’m even happier to say. And that is, I enjoy doing all these things in a Jeep.

Its a Jeep thing… Yes, I drive a Jeep. Yes I know they get crappy fuel mileage, and they have about as much interior room as shoe box and on the road you feel every bump.

#4wd #4x4 #driving #Four Wheel Drive #Jeep #Jeep Wave #Vehicles #Wrangler

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theliterateape · 7 years

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Unpacking Branson: A Thanksgiving Improbability

By Don Hall

In the late 1960s it was pretty much a tiny city in the Ozarks known for roadside stands peddling wares that proliferated the hillbilly stereotype. And, sure enough, there are still today roadside stands that exist only to continue to make fun of that stereotype. It's an odd thing to walk into a business in the middle of the Ozarks that sells you the stereotype it tries to escape from. Like buying a taxi cab medallion from an East Indian store or an "I'm a Wetback" t-shirt in a store that sells Mexican merchandise.

It is said you cannot judge a book by its cover.

This is true most of the time, but there are some things you can judge immediately by its cover and pretty much know what your getting.

An Ann Coulter book. Sean Hannity. A FOX News broadcast. Great America. Applebee's.

I assumed that Branson, Missouri would fall into this latter category. I was right and wrong. And the complexities made it a real trip to remember.

Branson is where the Beverly Hillbillies came from before moving to California.

A winding series of roads littered with signs and theaters and restaurants. Lots of bumper stickers that declare "I'd Rather Be Dead Than SOCIALIST" and random tributes to past GOP glory. In the three days we trucked around the city, I counted perhaps one hundred people of color the entire time—I didn't start the trip by calculating this but after a bit, it was hard to escape. Thousands of old white people with canes and wheelchairs abounded but that doesn't really look that much different than Navy Pier or the audience at Chicago Shakes—old white people like to be tourists and Branson is, after all, a haven of tourism.

My step-sister, Hannah, tells me that the crack business booms among the residents of Branson and there is evidence around if you're looking for it. The place is slightly schizophrenic in its place as a home to rednecks and hillbillies while trying desperately to distance itself from that by appealing to the tourist trade. There are places that stink of what one expects in Ozarks—a biker bar called the Hawg Trough that even my pro-GOP brother-in-law avoids and a Smoke Shop that doesn't sell cigarettes and has a pit bull guarding the door. But there are surprises that popped up during my three-day Thanksgiving vacation that defied my pre-judged expectations.

The surprises came in weird ways. When I arrived, we ate at a place called the Rowdy Beaver—a place with t-shirts that trumpeted "I Like Bald Beaver" and "That's A Mighty Nice Beaver" and had washboard walls. The thing that surprised was that the food was out of this world. It was delicious and well prepared and not at all what I expected. "Our chef prepares everything from fresh ingredients," trumpeted our waitress who seemed completely fine with her job at a place filled with such juvenile innuendo.

The Hollywood Wax Museum was fun but the wax figures left me a bit wanting—a frequent refrain of our visit was my niece saying "Who's that?" and me doing my best to figure it out. I tried to convince my family to go to Silver Dollar City so I could find and steal a urinal cake but it was $60 per person and even I couldn't argue that $300 was reasonable for me to complete a toilet cookie tale. We had tickets to a magic show billed as the World's Largest (by the way, every attraction in Branson is billed as "Show of the Year," "The Most Amazing in the World," and "Mindblowing") but the show was cancelled due to illness. Turns out Kirby VanBurch's greatest trick is to take your money and disappear.

SIX is six middle-aged brothers who debuted on the Donnie and Marie Show and have fashioned themselves as sort of an older version of an a cappella boy band. As soon as they started with a cheeseball version of Don't Stop Believin', Hannah and I turned to each other with a look of pained resignation. These guys had pretty good voices and the arrangements were fine but the self-consciously hip pose and cornball attempts at cool banter was unbearable. I learned that wanting to see an awful Branson show and actually sitting through one are two different things. I also learned that I will never, as a middle-aged white guy, ever use the words "homie" or "peeps" ever again. To be fair, the second act was better—a selection of Christmas songs and a tribute to their dead mother. Apparently this tiny woman had ten children, all boys, and I suspect she isn't dead but just got the fuck out of there before having to bear an eleventh kid. But the damage of the first act left me scarred and a little terrified of that evening's show—Legends at the Dick Clark American Bandstand Theater.

And it wasn't.

Really. In fact, it was a blast. The Whitney Houston knocked it out of the park, Liberace was funny but completely inappropriate in a callback to the dark days of The Gay Closet and the Elvis impersonator was so fucking good, if we had been sitting in the nose bleeds it would've been like actually seeing Elvis live. My mom, a huge Elvis fan from when he was alive, commented that he was the best Elvis impersonator she had ever seen. Hell, even my teenaged nieces enjoyed the show.

But we saved the best, most Branson-y show for Saturday. Yakov Smirnoff. Holy shit. I couldn't wait. I was absolutely certain it would embody everything I expected Branson to be—cheesy, cloying, the very portrait of a has-been celebrity stretching out his 15 minutes of fame as paper thin as he could in the heart of the Vegas of the Ozarks. We were greeted by a giant Yakov head making awful jokes about... the size of his head! Inside, it turned out that Yakov was a painter and had his paintings for sale!

The beginning of the show was the longest version of the national anthem I've ever heard (who know there were, like, nine verses?) and then I was hit with another fucking surprise. On the video screens came an old Paul Harvey "The Rest of the Story" about a painter known as Jacob who painted and commissioned a painting in tribute to the fallen at Ground Zero in NYC following the Attacks of 9/11. Painted on the side of a building overlooking the rubble, it was the backdrop to the first anniversary of the attacks. The painter was an anonymous Yakov Smirnoff. He paid for the commission out of his own pocket.

Some of his show was what I expected: a revisitation of his "What a Country!" schtick from the '80s—a sketch of him as the president answering questions from the audience, and he actually quoted the Lee Greenwood God Bless the U.S.A. as a closer. But other parts were not at all what I anticipated. Turns out that Yakov went out and got a Master's Degree in psychology and decided that his show could also serve as a relationship counseling session as well. Sort of like Defending the Caveman meets a less arrogant Dr. Phill with the takeaway being that we begin relationships laughing and giving each other little gifts and that, if we simply return to giving each other gifts and finding laughter in our relationships, we'll be happier, healthier people.

Was it a great show? Not really. The dancers were cheesy and only there to fill time, the jokes were funny in a "Yeah, I remember that one" sort of way, the political stuff was tame (although at one point, Yakov asked the audience who was happy with the results of the latest election—a smattering of applause that included my mother and I enthusiastically cheering—and who was ticked off by it—a thundering, slightly ugly ovation—with the Russian comic commenting "Yeah, that's about even...") and the recurring pro-America stuff was hard to hear after a while. But the thing is... I liked him.

Prejudice is a funny thing. Judging books by their covers is what we do as people. I imagine it's a hard drive instinct. But, as I am often heard saying, while we are all unique and precious snowflakes and each of us is completely distinct, we are all made of fucking snow. We all are simply people trying our best to get along in the world. Yes, that means that our baser, uglier instincts come to play like ordinary people rioting in a Walmart on Black Friday to get a discount on a portable DVD player. It also means that our better, more generous nature comes into play, and sometimes it's nice to be reminded that even in Red State Hell, Yakov Smirnoff is telling thousands of people every week to just be fucking nicer to each other.

#Jim Stafford #Branson #Thanksgiving #Silver Dollar City #Missouri #SIX #Yakov Smirnoff

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