#im lonely all the time and get ghosted on tinder lmao

[hopeshoodie]

What is it like being a lesbian??

Jsjsjsjjsjsjsjjsjsjsjsjs this question is SENDING MEEEEEEE

Consider: women hot.

[touyota]

Catfish

☁ Summary: Tomura is hopeless when it comes to relationships, and soon that’s all subject to change. With the power of Tinder, Touya and one oblivious chick on his side, who knows what can happen. 

A/N: omgggg, i’ve lurked on my priv for the past year and finally decided to stop being a narc and post something. i haven’t written in forever and it shows lmao, but uh yeah pls give me feedback if you’d like. (also idk if this has been. done before, but sorryyy if it has)

☁ Pairing: Tomura Shigaraki x fem!Reader

☁ Warnings: Non-con/dub-con, manipulation, dumbfication (if you squint), slapping, yandere, catfishing 

"Fuck I'm horny." 

Tomura groaned into his pillow, conflicted with whether he should be agitated or turned on. Due to his third nap of the day being interrupted by the excessive lewd noises coming from the shared living room. Tomura's roommate, Touya, had no real understanding of boundaries and was often more bothersome than helpful. Still, without his portion of the rent, he'd be on the streets struggling to find an apartment within his meager budget.

"Keep fucking me, Touya-san!" The plea echoed through the thin walls of the shoddy apartment. At least someone was getting laid. The last time Tomura had gotten lucky was at an impromptu Halloween party thrown by Touya at the apartment. 

He went as Jason Vorhees using a dingy hockey mask he found in Touya's closet. The poor girl in question, who came dressed as an angel, was drunk out of her mind. She clung to Tomura's scrawny body incoherently, slurring about "How hot it would be to fuck a murderer." The fling hadn't lasted long before the young lady in question toppled over the side of his bed and hurled her entire cup of jungle juice onto the floor. Poor Tomura had to spend his night nursing her head over the toilet. Making a mental note to tell Touya that he couldn't invite any freshmen to their parties ever again.

Tomura ended up seeing her again in passing on campus, giving a small smile as she walked by. Only to be met with an eye roll as she turned to walk in the opposite direction. Fucking bitch... Other than that, Tomura had found himself too busy writing code, playing video games, and browsing Reddit to dedicate any time to dating. The polar opposite of his roomie Touya-san, a communications major whose schedule consisted of dating? If you considered fucking the same chick for a week before ghosting her dating, sleeping, and eating and drinking Tomura out of a house and home.

"You ready for my load? You're my little cum dump, right? Say you're my cum du-"

Speaking of fucking, Tomura's hard-on was starting to hurt, and what better way to relieve himself than to beat off to the action in the adjacent room. 

He started to palm himself over his sweats, erection already beginning to poke through. Figuring that he's teased himself enough, he lowered his boxers, allowing his cock to slap against his stomach, throbbing and angry. He slowly stroked himself, gathering the pre-cum spouting from the tip, and used it to lube the rest of his cock.

"Pleaseee fuck! I'm your little cum dump! I swear Touya!" 

Tomura started to stroke his cock faster, leaving a squelching noise with each stroke. He was barely managing to suppress his moans. Knowing how Touya wouldn't let him hear the end of it if he got caught fucking his hand to the sounds of their subtle lovemaking. 

"Fuckfuckfuck... I'm cumming!" Touya grunted, giving out after his final stroke.

Tomura followed suit, flicking his wrist with each stroke. As his orgasm finally took hold of him, biting into his shirt to stifle his moan as he came all over his fist. 

"Are you fucking serious, Touya?"

"What?" 

"I didn't get to cum?"

"Um… I'm sure you can take care of that when you get home."

"You're such a piece of sh-"

Tomura tuned out the rest of his roommate's performance. Really hoping he'd wrap it up cause he really needed to take a piss and couldn't make it to the bathroom without passing through the living room. 

After hearing a respectable amount of silence, he figured it was safe to leave the room. Of course, he was wrong; he was met with a staredown between Touya and a petite blonde woman.

"I'm sure your roommate Tenko wouldn't leave a lady hanging like that."

"It's Tomura," he muttered.

"Same fucking thing, my point still stands," The mystery woman huffed. There was a pregnant pause before Touya doubled over in laughter, clutching his chest.

"You think this cuck knows how to take care of a lady? Yeah, it's time to go, Tara."

"It's Toga, you shit stai-"her statement was abruptly interrupted, the door slamming in her face. Touya's back slid down against the door as he sat facing Tomura. 

"Chicks? Am I right?" Touya sighed, peering over at Tomura, who had just left the bathroom. "Speaking of chicks, when's the last time you had sex, Shiggy?"

"It's been... a while." Tomura shrugged, not wanting to indulge his roommate with the details of his sex life.

"Well, we can't have that, can we? Let's make you a Tinder." Touya proudly announced, excited at the prospect of playing matchmaker for his roommate. Tomura reluctantly gave in, knowing once Touya was set on something, it was bound to happen one way or another. 

Two blunts later, Tomura and Touya were strewn over the couch, mulling over his profile's final details. It consisted of three pics, one from the Halloween party, another from their most recent function. The last pic is a selfie of him in a black hoodie with sunglasses on. The icing on top is the bio that unironically stated, "Freak in the sheets, gamer in the streets."

"You're gonna be a real pussy magnet shiggy. Just wait, you'll have to fight the chicks off with a stick after they see this." Touya chuckled as he took another puff of the blunt.

"Go to hell and stop hogging; you didn't put shit in on this anyways," Tomura muttered as he snatched the blunt away to take a pull. Maybe he would find some success, he entertained the concept of having a consistent fuck buddy, but sometimes he was lonely and just wanted someone to lay up with. He wanted to be optimistic about something for once, taking his final pull and ashing the blunt out. The smoky haze and intoxicating scent lulling him to sleep. 

Fuck optimism, Tomura thought. It had been three days with zero matches or messages, and he was starting to think there had to be a glitch in the system. The only time he had seen a match is when he accidentally swiped on Midnight's profile, a famous Only fans content creator who specialized in BDSM. The same Midnight that he happened to be a top donor for and occasionally bought panties from, but that's beside the point. The profile was poorly made with blurry, uncropped pics taken straight from her social media profiles. The lack of detail and legitimacy was apparent. Tomura felt terrible for the poor soul who probably fell for it, but it made him think… 

Why not see how different the response would be if he ran a profile under someone else's guise.  Someone more attractive, someone more affluent, and someone more famous. This was simply a social experiment; no harm would come from it of course. He would simply ghost anyone who wanted to meet, keeping all interactions virtual. Now who could he possibly pretend to be. without getting caught. Tomura's eyes finally settled on an Axe ad playing on tv featuring male model Keigo Takami. Mr. tall, blonde, and handsome would definitely attract the feminine masses.  

Ding ding ding, it was like a bell went off in his head; he had found his new look. He started to scour the internet for any pictures of Hawks that weren't already posted to his socials and be sure to crop any evidence out. A few hours later, Tomura gazed over his final product. He thought it seemed too good to be true; he was sure that anyone with a working brain would know the profile was clearly a catfish. It was too clean, too pristine, and too perfect, but Tomura was tired of the profile's nit-picking details and saved his last changes. It was starting to get dark, and he had to begin his Comp Sci homework soon so he'd have time to play zombies on Call of Duty later. 

Tomura woke to a multitude of buzzes notifying him of the several hundred matches he'd accumulated overnight on his Hawks profile. Apparently, no one had a working brain within the 15-mile radius. The messages were filled with tons of chicks he had seen on campus or in class. He even recognized the one from the Halloween party. He spent his morning smoke break, siphoning through the various contenders.

Too tall.

Too blonde.

Too ugly. 

Until...

He finally stopped scrolling when he reached your profile; he had seen you before in his Major classes. You were a somewhat modest girl, always working to be an overachiever and teacher's pet. You hadn't spoken to him before, only forcing a smile when Tomura was caught staring at you in class. You were talented, beautiful, quiet, and you hadn't encountered Touya yet. You were everything he had wanted, and more. He started to type a message awaiting your response.

Keigo: "What's keeping you up this late, love ;)" 

Tomura thought to keep it casual enough to fit his suave persona.

Y/N: "lol, just sum late night studying keeping me up."

Y/N: "won't lie im very nervous to texting you rn, i'm a big fan 

Keigo: "it's gud knowing i have fans as cute as you ;p"

The conversation seemed to flow from there between you two, texting for almost two weeks strong. Tomura had learned so much about you in a short time, your favorite foods, your favorite color, favorite music, and your dislikes as well. Touya often came by his room to check in on Operation: Get Shiggy Some Pussy, only to be met with a "Fuck off," and yet another door slammed in his face. 

You gushed over how lucky you were to be texting the one and only Keigo Takami. Of course, you were skeptical at first, but what kind of fucked up person would take the time to pretend to be another person? The conversation between you two was great and always kept you on your toes. Still, sometimes days would pass before you received a response; you chalked it to the fact that he was always busy as a celebrity and didn't always have time to respond to you. 

You were currently lying in bed and unable to fall asleep; you peered at your phone to see that it was 2:05 am. You let out a sigh, preparing to stare at your ceiling until you finally fell asleep, only to be interrupted by a chime from your phone. It was a message from Keigo. 

Keigo: you up? ;(

You instantly typed a response, scared that you had done something wrong.

Y/N: yup, what's wrong…?

Keigo: i'm so fucking hard rn baby ;(((

Oh shit, you hadn't prepared yourself for that response; maybe he injured himself at work or-

Keigo: you still there babe? send a pic ;p

You definitely hadn't prepared for that, but who were you to deny him. Keigo could've asked anyone else in the world, but he asked you. Not wanting to leave him waiting, you quickly shucked your shirt off and used your arm to push up your breasts, giving an illusion of the perfect push up bra. You promptly took several pics, taking the time to edit and select the ideal filters to complement your skin tone.

Y/N: 1 image sent

A bubble indicating him typing popped up instantly 

Keigo: 3 images sent

Keigo: fuckkkk babe, ur such a tease

You opened the pics, feeling your panties dampen slightly. It was a cock, well Keigo's cock, fat and engorged, leaking pre-cum against his toned belly. He was mostly well-groomed, but a prominent white tuft of hair appears in the picture, making you wonder if Keigo was actually a natural blonde.

Keigo: 1 video sent

 let me see that pretty pussy baby, 

It was a video of Keigo languidly stroking his cock, how romantic. It was only right for a gorgeous man like Keigo to have a pretty cock to match. What he lacked in girth was definitely made up for in length, complemented with a slight curve that could definitely reach that itch that none of your toys could scratch.  By now, you had ditched your panties and started to slowly start to fuck yourself open with one finger at a time. You started recording and angled the phone against your pillow, trying to capture you desperately fucking yourself on your fingers, letting out a small whimper with each thrust.

Y/N: 1 video sent 

You began to fuck yourself vigorously, dragging the accumulated slick over your clit with slow, circular strokes. You felt your orgasm on the brink, growing more restless and desperate, humping reverently at your fingers, whimpering desperately; you were so close...There was a sudden surge of fluid from your core, incoherent mumbles leaving your mouth as you kept carefully fucked yourself through your climax. The post-orgasm bliss lulling you to sleep, your eyes had finally fluttered shut, only to be awakened by another chime. 

Keigo: 1 image sent 

look @ all that cum baby, its all for you ;)

Y/N: when can we meet? my fingers can only work for so long :p

Read: 2:53 am

Aw man, maybe he fell asleep. You were definitely fighting sleep at this point as well, finally closing your eyes, satisfied for the night. 

Tomura struggled to catch his breath, reaching for his discarded shirt to wipe the sticky cum off of his stomach. That was the third time this month you'd ask about a meeting, and it was frankly starting to piss him off. He'd have to come up with something fast if he wanted to keep you around. Even though he didn't have much of a moral compass left in his body, the feeling of guilt was hard to ignore. You didn't deserve to be roped into his fucked up social experiment… 

A yawn interrupted Tomura's guilty thoughts. He could continue to feel guilty when he wakes up tomorrow.

 The following week your prayers had been answered, Keigo finally agreed to meet! It had been such a bittersweet feeling. What if he thought you looked nothing like your profile pictures? Would he reject you and run the other way, screaming? You tried to push your doubtful feelings down by distracting yourself with running errands. Finding the perfect outfit to wear, getting every inch of your body waxed, and picking up a lacy red lingerie set. 

Upon getting back to your apartment, you found a red bouquet of roses on the doormat. They were clearly store-bought and not of excellent quality… but it's the thought that counts! 

Lots of celebrities were frugal, and of course, Keigo was no different. After further inspection, a small white card with an address and time. You searched the address finding a mid-grade hotel on the outskirts of the city. Keigo was definitely a (cheap) frugal man dedicated to his discretion. Soon realizing that the time on the card was approaching, you quickly ran to shower and primp yourself for the evening. Not even thinking to question how he found your address in the first place...

You had finally arrived at the sketchy hotel, noting that there were little to no cars in the parking lot and noting that none of them looked like they belonged to Keigo. You wandered through the lobby until you finally reached the elevator, tapping the button for the 5th floor. You tried to shake off your pre-meeting jitters, you already knew everything would be fine, but you couldn't shake the feeling of something wrong...

Those intrusive thoughts were soon interrupted by the chime that indicated you had reached your floor. You took a deep breath as you stepped off the elevator, pacing yourself as you walked to your destination. 

Room 555 

How fitting, you thought. Your knuckles rasped against the door several times.

"Come in." A voice sounded through the door.

You peeked your head around the door before taking a step in the room, not being able to locate the owner of the voice. You gasped after taking the appearance of the room. The room had rose petals haphazardly strewn across the floor. Candles flickered on the dresser, a bubble bath was run in the bathroom, and to top it off, a too cheap bottle of champagne on ice. 

There was clearly an effort made, which made your heart swoon, hoping to put a real face to the man you've been speaking to for the past few months, you said out into the empty room.

"Keigo, I like what you've done with the place. You can come out now," you giggled.

"I'm glad you got the flowers," a raspy voice responded.

.......Huh?

Your joy instantly crushed, having heard Keigo's voice multiple times in the interviews you've seen, it sounded nothing like that. Unless he'd suddenly started chain-smoking within the past few months. A loud alarm started going off in your head. It was definitely time to go.

You twirled on your heels and reached for the doorknob, only to be stopped by a hand gripping your upper arm.

"Leaving so soon? The bathwater is still warm…" The mystery voice informed.

"Oh… I think I have the wrong room, so sorry about that." You squeaked, attempting to reach the door again only to be dragged into a bony chest. 

Your chin was tilted, forcing you to meet eyes with "Keigo." Who was actually a porcelain-skinned tower of a man with shaggy white hair that had an oddly familiar look to him? 

"Let me go! You're not Keigo!" You screamed, hoping to alert any other guests on the floor.

"Fucking took you long enough. I thought you were smarter than those other bitches on campus. Tomura balked, struggling to keep you still in his grasp.

Campus. That's where you recognized the face and voice of your captor, you were both in the same Comp Sci class, and you'd often caught him staring as you worked, chalking it up to you having something on your face or in your teeth. The realization caused tears to spurt from your eyes.

"Poor baby, didn't mommy and daddy teach you to not speak to strangers on the internet?"

"I-I thought y-you were K-Keigo," you gasped, struggling to control your sobs. 

"Well, I'm not. Get over it." Tomura slurred, placing sloppy kisses over your collar bone, slowly backing you towards the bed. 

You couldn't bring yourself to move or fight anymore, body stiff with fear. Your sobs increase in volume after feeling your legs make contact with the edge of the bed. You didn't know this man from a can of paint, and here he is about to assault you. 

"Stop crying before I leak those sexy little videos you shared with "Keigo." Imagine if everyone in the class knew how much of an easy slut you are?" Tomura hissed, shoving you unto the stiff mattress, springs squeaking as you bounced. 

You cradled your mouth, struggling to stifle your sobs. Why hadn't you recognized the signs sooner? You spent so much time looking at the situation through rose-colored lenses that you had utterly neglected your safety. But it wasn't the time to feign sympathy for yourself. You needed to take action, and soon—the shaggy haired stranger dragging your motionless body towards the end of the headboard. 

"Wait!" You gasped, hoping that you could possibly reason with your captor.

"What's your name? 

This was your final chance to escape. You suddenly kicked forward, aiming for his face, failing miserably as it was blocked. Both legs were then shoved into a mating press, granting Tomura the space to press himself even closer to you.

A groan left Tomura's mouth, frotting against your clothed mound, smothering your neck with sloppy saliva drenched kisses. You cowered at the feeling, curling away from his advances. The dry humping continued until a final groan of desperation was released. He was too grown for this shit and didn't feel like going home with stained boxers when your sweet heat was right in front of him.

The red bodycon dress you decided on was shredded down the middle, leaving you in your lingerie set. You added that to the list of things you were already regretting, moving to cover yourself the best you could. Your efforts to preserve the crumb of modesty you had left were futile, both hands knocked out of the way.

"You don't have to hide princess, I think Christmas came early.” “You're wrapped so pretty, baby." He chuckled, moving to fondle your breasts. Taking the time to pinch and pull at both nipples, drawing small hesitant gasps. 

"I'll play with these more later. You don't know how long I've waited to play with that cute little pussy in person." You felt your panties tugged to the side, embarrassed with the amount of arousal accumulated below. The feeling was soon replaced with horror after feeling the tip of his cock dragged between your slit.

Tomura used the residual slick to grease his cock, bypassing the need to stretch you out. He pressed forward, forcing himself inside, pausing to catch his breath. Damn... it's been a long time. 

You yelped in pain, closing your eyes in hopes of blocking out the situation at hand. You felt him start to pick up his pace, causing small tinges of pain to course through your body. 

"Mmmm, open your eyes. I want you to watch me fuck you." He gasped, realizing you hadn't complied yet, he landed a firm slap on your cheek. "Not only are you dumb, but you're also deaf too… open. SMACK your. SMACK fucking. SMACK eyes." 

Your eyes shot open, brimming with tears, finding yourself face to face with your captor. His eyes were closed in ecstasy, dainty white lashes framing the lids, traces of dry patches on his face. He wasn't ugly. You'd honestly give him a chance if he asked you out like a decent human being.

His pace had gained traction, hips crashing against yours. You found yourself slowly succumbing to the pleasure, discreetly fucking yourself against him. You wanted to protest and resist against him, but with your inhibitions lowered, you found it hard to comply. Each thrust pulling you further into the abyss that was your impending orgasm. Your lust-filled thoughts being interrupted by the stranger's incoherent mumbling.

"Tomura."

"Huh?" you whimpered, not fully understanding what he said. 

"My name is Tomura."

"Okay and mine i-"

"Shut up and say my name." Tomura's thrusts were sporadic, signaling his impending climax. "Beg me to cum…... please." 

You barely registered the final demand, not recognizing the soft tone of his voice.

"T-tomura, p-please let me cum!" you begged, right on edge needing something, anything to push you over.

Two nimble, callused fingers drew delicate circles over your clit, forcing you to writhe and sob as your orgasm coursed through your body. The feeling that followed was one of warmth as Tomura came, slowing his thrusts until he collapsed, encasing you in his arms.

Your eyes fluttered shut with your post-orgasm haze lulling you to sleep until a wet, sticky substance trickled along your inner thigh... 

What the fuck....

You nearly launched yourself from the bed, fighting to separate yourself from your captor's arms.  

"What is wrong with you?"

"You didn't use a condom," you wailed, tears perched at the corner of your eyes. You didn't have the time for a child, you were doing great in classes, your parents would reject you, you'd be stuck playing house with some stranger and-

"Stop muttering. You're fucking up my nap. I'll buy a Plan B when I wake up." Tomura mumbled into the pillow, dragging you back into his chest.

You continued to fight his grasp, pausing after feeling a firm pinch to your side. Fighting was futile at this point, and you couldn't fully assess the situation until you had some decent sleep. 

Closing your eyes for a few seconds wouldn't hurt…right?

[strawberry-siren]

okay to get into the tumblr spirit, im going to tell you all about my crush. i literally havent had a crush in so long lmfao

okayyy so i met this girl named annie on tindr about 3-4 weeks ago or something like that. we talked for like a week and we were vibing sending each other memes and stuff and then she wanted to go on a date :-). So she lives abt an hour south from me, so i suggested IKEA because it’s 30 min drive from both of us and ikea is v fun even though ive only been there (2) times (once before our date lmfaoo).

 I told her i’d buy her a stuffed shark. and so we went to ikea and ate food and then went on our shark hunt and had like a really fun time. and she was like “so do you want to do something else or are you tired now??” and i was like “well i have nothing better to do so...” sdgfdjgksl lmfao im very romantic as you can tell. We ended up going to my house to “watch a movie” and we literally... watched the movie. i thought we were just gonna make out, but I think she wanted me to initiate and im like hella shy, but also like the confident type at the same time. and it was a terrible christmas movie. like even as far as romcom christmas movies go. so we were cuddling and making fun of it the whole time. then as like the credits were rolling I asked if i could kiss her and then we kissed?? and then like idk talked about more stupid stuff and made out for a little bit and then it was hella late and she had to drive an hour home. and i walked her to her car and gave her a kiss goodbye.

SO it seems like it’s going well, right? 

Here’s more backstory:

-Before we met up, she PAINTED me for one of her finals in her painting classes..

-After the date, she was sending me selfies w the shark and we had a snapstreak (i hadnt even added her on snapchat before the date. we just texted.)

-I asked if we could go on another date after finals and she said “i’d really like that!”

okay............ so the week of finals. i worked all week, and I got off on a thursday so basically everyone is done with all their finals. So I snapped her and was like “hey wanna get food this weekend? In (your city)” bc i didnt want to make her drive all the way down bc her car is hella expensive to gas up. but she LEFT ME ON READ....... and in my mind im like WTF??? and like we met on tinder so i’m like Ok...im getting ghosted?? What the hell? like i thought she liked me? and she broke our streak. She literally invited herself over to my house? And she kept saying she had to leave so id be like okay... u should leave now! then she like wouldnt she’d start a new topic and stayed longer... so i was like lowkey upset. like usually i dont expect much from tindr dates because it’s like lmao tindr. but we literally WERE VIBING. so i got drunk and sad and went to bed at 9pm. 

Now it must be over? but obviously not bc im on tumblr writing this. 

Soooo then when i wake up, I have a snap from her. And shes like “i’ve been talking to hanna again and i’m really confused about my feelings and i dont think i’m in a place to date right now. i should have been honest earlier im sorry.” or something like that. it sounded like she was getting back together w/ hanna. and so i was like?? oh lmao.

So i was like “that’s fine we can be friends!” and shes like “i thought you didnt “do” friends” and i was like “lmao i never said that i have a few friends ive made off tindr including an old roommate. i just said i wasnt friends w my exes” (which we.. are not lmfao). sooo anyways thru some convos ive had since then shes NOT w Hanna. but im sad because she still calls me like cute, babe, etc, etc and like says stuff like “all the people ive been attracted to have been jerks... except u” and like i’d be like “lol idk if i wanna be a thot, but i’m bored/lonely” and she’s like “i’d cuddle w you if i was up north” (she went to southern utah for christmas)..... uhhhh :( wtf.. Make It Make Sense...

But also I kissed (3) girls since our date LMFAO. one was after a date and then the other two i was just drunk AF on my 21st birthday. which is a wild story in of itself. anyways.... yeah. now we have a like 18 day snap streak which is so long? but also I SHOULD give up on her, but she keeps giving me hope at the same time...? She also just likes validation, but I want to date her :( anyways, i just like her. 

[flounderingfisherman]

fishy excuses

currently slamming my way through my second dirty shirley of the night in order to numb myself to the monotony of pain Ive become accustomed to. lmaoo that was pretty dark and very dramatic.  I am just so tired and have grown so impatient in this whole endeavor. like i feel like i try so dang hard and nothing ever works out?? And it has been so easy to regress back to maladaptive thought patterns that I’ve worked do hard to grow out of. Like it is so easy to feel undesirable and unlovable and honestly just ugly. In every way. But when the mature Arlo brain is finally able to gain control back from reptile brain Arlo, I am able to put everything into perspective and resign myself to the fact that sometimes shit doesn’t work out and also possibly that the universe may hate me?? And I realize that rationalizing the irrational is not the most helpful way to deal with these sorts of thoughts, but frankly, I go on a lot of dates. A lot of people message me on tinder. And a lot of times it is me, like I may have commitment issues?? But I also just think I have high standards, which ig it is what it is with that shit. Like i’ve only recently been able to really cut ties from my suuuper catholic upbringing and my very intense religious beliefs, but when shit like what happened this past week happens to me, it genuinely makes me reconsider the possible existence of a governing deity because literally how could one person’s luck be this bad?? like I must have pissed off somebody somewhere for sure. 

But anywhooo, this week I received a text from someone that ghosted me literally 3 whole weeks ago. The last text I sent them was me asking them out on a date. But if I’ll be honest, I had already ghosted them for about half a week at that point and I had honestly just texted them because I was bored and lonely lmaoo. Which I admit wasn’t very cool of me, buttt a bitch loves attention. But anyways, this person and I had connected via tinder about a month ago and basically had arranged a ~coochie consultation~ later that week. So I texted them the morning of to check in to see if they were still good for that night. They responded a few hours later and asked for a raincheck for a few hours later bc they had a lot of homework to do. On a Friday. So that was cool. But also, consent is key lmao, and I get that they were probably just intimidated bc we saw each other at the dining hall they day before and ngl, I just carry myself in such amore confident way than they do. And thats totally okay, I get it. Confidence is a journey, y’know? But at this point where I’ve made the decision to be hot shit and act like hot shit, so therefore, I am hot shit. And I know this makes me sound like an asshole, but I do think they were just intimidated and scared. But i am just soooo ughhhh. A bitch just wants someone to hold their face and maybe get a couple smooches?? Is that too much to ask for? A bithc is just trying to break into her hoe phase and past her ctaholic guilt and shame phase.  Okay so anywhooo, we didnt hookup and we sorta talked here an there for like a week and then I asked them out. Fast froward 3 weeks later to last night when I get a text at 12:45 in the fuckin morning that was like, “I am soooooo sorry I didnt mean to ghost you. But also, Im in relationship rn :0″. And that is what brought upon this questioning of the existence of god. Bc what would be a reason for one to send that text if not being possessed by a pissed off and vengeful power?? Like they were clearly just trying to tie up their loose ends and make themselves feel better. And also of course to flex on me. And they absolutely did. Bc no matter how hard I try, no matter how hot I look, nothing ever seems to work out. And i recognize that this semester is the first time I rlly have put myself out there with intention, but aghhhhh.

Sooo, zooming in on the last 24 hours: Whilst munchin on my tasty ass hawaiian za, I got a message from someone on tinder inviting me to ~cuddle ~ with them in their room the next night. Being the horny bitch I am, I of course agreed to it. And I was also honestly pretty excited bc I thought they were so cute and they seemed witty and funny, which I imagine would make for a good hookup?? Not that I would know unfortunately. Anyways, after sending me their address this morning, I got a message a couple hours later asking to post pone bc they weren’t feeling  very well. And I know that this was probably a genuine excuse because they initiated it all on their own, but I feel like there not being a reason for all this bad luck makes it that much more frustrating?? Like come hell or high water, no matter how hard I fuckin try, shit will somehow end up not happening. GARGHHHHH

And I am aware that this whole thing is very self-pitying and the epitome of wallowing, but it’s just like???? litcherally wtf is going on. 

Just a bunch of fishy excuses is all I hear

[wuqs]

hey a Fun post dont read it lmao

so

hilariously, if you can imagine, when i was a wee little gay in danville virginia at the ripe age of 18, i was really really fucking upset about feeling so romantically lonely in that town. i basically only ever tried to go on one date and every moment of that experience was a total embarrassing waste of time including being stood up.

but god, did i dream every day about moving to new york

whereupon i, yknow, didn’t date anyone for four years

and like i went on An Date with An Person and i enjoyed it but then? was kind of ghosted so that was fun. and then the only guys who EVER expressed interest in me in an open way was done 1) while drunk 2) only sexually 3) in a super rape-y way (lmao lets not get into the disgusting number of 28-35 year olds who hit on me/got physical with me at parties in college when i was 19-21)

so like now that i’m in vegas, which is this great city like new york, but i’m even less in touch with the gay community bc i dont go especially out of my way to go to Gay Events i just feel so..... separated?

like this idea of ever finding a guy to be with feels fake and impossible

and when i look at or try dating apps it’s again all sexual and gross and unfun and theres nothing ... interesting? about it. like i’m just Flat Out not into the idea of sex with someone i dont know. and i really just... dont have sex anywhere on my priorities atm? but the gay scene is jsut so fucking sexual like “dating” apps are sex-related look at tinder or grindr, and irl shit is just bars and clubs and there’s this sex-filled vibe there

im just so fucking tired of it and im so tired in general why pour energy into this thing that feels impossible... finding someone i like but also who i can trust? and care about and put energy into? like i WANT that and i want to be able to do that but fucking hunting that shit down is so daunting and dumb and stupid and i just get tired thinking about the idea of dating bc theres so many ~~~steps and then there’s this difference between the Reality of dating and the Cliche of dating and it seems to come from experience which i have None Of and fucking shit it’s just so goddamn tiring

i hate to say it but i dont see many people outside of work and the little family i have here. and i love my work friends, they’re great people and i like work, but like shit they’re almost all so goddamn straight and its so .................... :/ and then i have some friends who wanna go to a gay bar/club with me to like encourage me to Go Out or whatever but there’s just this... hard to explain thing about that that just feels weird or off and god i just hate everything

but mostly i just hate still feeling so ... emotionally alone???? especially since i am like one of two people out of a friend group of like 10 ppl who is single and im #over it entirely, i’m the third/fifth/seventh wheel for goddamn every single thing like i have been literally since people first started dating in middle school

[mecha-velli]

i’ve been trying desperately to access my emotions and i’m getting nowhere. i just had a pretty cool success and im happy about the el*ction last night. but also there is a huge huge part of me that’s fucking miserable. i haven’t showered in a week and im wearing dirty clothes to class. i cried a couple times today, like just tears nothing too intense, out of joy at the results last night. but i cant tap into the miserable part of myself. i am listening to dido and cutting myself in the hopes it’ll make me feel something but i’ve got nothing. a lot of people are being nice to me online, calling me a genius and all that bc of a success i had. so that’s all very interesting and nice. but im miserable, deep dark pained, and i don’t know why. i can’t tell whats going on. i think im lonely or something but im intentionally isolating myself. idk i dont get it. maybe i’m suicidal? but not like full-on like i was a few weeks ago. i don’t feel like it’s a good idea or anything. i think im triggered about suicide. but no clue, no clue, no clue what i’m really feeling. i dont have it. i cant get it. i listened to angel haze earlier, also nothing. if music can’t bring my emotions out what can? maybe i just need to find another musician. since angel haze didn’t do it and dido isnt doing it, i don’t think it’s heartbreak or suicidal anger. so what could it be? the nerve running down the socket of my hip, into the back of my knee, all the way to the arch of my foot, is pinched. that isn’t the emotion though. what the fuck is going on with me. is it just my meds? is it the on-again-off-again approach i keep taking with my stinkin seroquel? is that the issue? what am i feeling i feel so numb i dont feel real i feel nothing i can barely feel my skin when i cut it. it doesn’t even give me joy. there’s no pleasure or pain to be had in cutting. so what’s the point of any of it. i want to wanna yell. but there’s nothing in there. i am not even tired. i am nothing im a ghost there’s nothing inside of me. what am i supposed to do!! i can barely work because i’m so distracted by emotions that want to be heard, but as soon as i turn my mind toward them to listen, they shut down again. so what the fuck!! this is killing me it’s killing me it’s killing me

maybe im stressed about all the schoolwork i have to get done. i mean, that’s for sure. and im embarrassed about ever having feelings. and i feel like a freak. and i feel unloved. and i feel unlovable. and i feel scared that people are gonna hurt me. are those it? i saw the dude who gave me PTSD on tinder and immediately screenshotted all his pictures for some reason. it triggered me something fierce. what am i supposed to do about it. i wish he didn’t have that affect on me. i hope he isn’t a rapist, i hope he hasn’t done that to anyone else. i hope he’s grown. but he still looks like a creep to me. i guess he always will. 

if pain isnt the answer and music isnt the answer and work isnt the answer, what could the answer possibly be? i want to get stuff done tonight so that I don’t have to do everything tomorrow. I guess maybe I could catch up on readings instead of writing, that’s lower impact. also I’ve been sitting at my desk a lot lately and I think that’s what pinched my nerve. so maybe if I just lay down and read it’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. maybe. i dont know I really don’t know. I don’t want these feelings anymore but I don’t want the numbness. I want to live a life with people who love me and whom I love and we can learn things about each other and I don’t have to feel like a gargoyle all the time. create together. make things. be beautiful with each other. I need to write an essay on harlem renaissance writings but I also need to write about my experience as a transhomo and lmao. lmfao. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i don’t want to share these pieces of myself when even I don’t feel like I understand them. I haven’t figured it out yet. I can’t explicate myself, or even just explain myself. i want to scream, i want to want to scream