#i cant think positive when my brain screams at me to punch a wall lol fuck you

[liberty-spiked]

They always fucking expect me to share private stuff about my life man. Fuck people wanting to protect their privacy, right? Sure, I could tell them about my trauma but then everyone in the room feels bad. And god forbid i say something slightly political. Thats a state sponsored course! I should be glad to be a participant!

They dont know how much i hold myself back to not stirr up trouble 🙃🙃🙃

[oursensoryworld]

The Introduction

Hello Tumblr 

My name is Jessica 

I am 32 also a single mum with a beautiful 4 year old son. Ok so just a warning my grammar is horrible so please be kind. lol I always wanted to write a blog but never had the confidence to do so. Except for today.. When I thought to myself stuff it!! Maybe someone wants to listen to me talk crap, or is going through simular things. Needless to say I need an outlet. OK!

For the point of this introduction, I will start with when my son was 9 months old, and what happened after that.

We all lived in a beautiful little beach town. It was truly paradise! I would ride my bike to work some days, and think to myself how did I get so lucky.

Now you are probably thinking why would you leave then? 

I moved back to my parents house after getting home from work one night, and my sons father was drunk again. When I got home He was hostile and dangerous. I tried to kick him out to sober up, but he told me that it was his house and I had not right.

I couldn't take one more second. Called my dad to get my car and I was on the first flight out with my son.  

At first It was a welcome move. I was so happy to have the support that I needed. I had been working 40 hours per week plus the house and baby care. My son would wake at least 7 times per night.

Oh dear lord it was horrible. Did I mention the constant crying unless he was being held!

sounds like most babies right? that's what I thought, just normal motherhood not to worry. Just suck it up I would tell myself. 

Through the heartbreak of leaving my sons father, I slowly picked up the pieces of my heart, and tried to glue it back together. Many nights of wine, and crying were had by me. its kind of funny now when I look back on it. 

At the time though WOW!! What a mess I was. 

Little did I know the other struggles, that I would soon be faced with, would test me much more than a little break up ever could. 

Still took me 3 years to move on from loving my sons dad though.  

So here I am ready to begin again. I found a lovely family day care  for my son to attend while I went out to look for work. Everything seemed fine for awhile, just normal motherhood dramas.

My son was 22months when I got the first phone call, that he has been hitting his head against the wall and the floor. Just banging it! 

I was told by his day care teacher that she was worried, as she had never seen a child do this before in all her years of caring for children. So my first reaction was have I done something wrong? 

Could it be a reaction to my stress causing my son to react this way? All the blaming myself thoughts came flooding in. I had no idea why he was doing this. 

Not to mention, that for some time he wasn't making eye contact, or responding to his name being called. 

This wasn't my biggest concern at the time, as he was only little. In my mind, I thought he is just a late bloomer.

As my first and only child, I didn't have any thing to compare it to. 

I thought he will just grow out of it, or it would just go away.

I took him to Many Drs for their opinions. Most said the same thing. “could be an ear infection, or sinus problem so don't worry too much” 

His day care teacher, and my mother sat me down and said “we think he has Autism”  My first response “What he is only 22 months old!  how can you know that he has autism when he is so young. I didn't believe them, or want to. So I ignored it and continued on. 

My son celebrated his first birthday, it was a happy day. it was 40 degrees that day, but we were prepared. There were 3 kids pools, and plenty of shaded areas. 

This is when I noticed little difference's in my sons behaviour and other children, of same age, or even younger. For instance the eye contact. The way they would look engaged with their parent. The way they played with other children, and not alone.

Its really had to describe, and probably a poor choice of word but, a maturity difference is the way I would describe it. 

As he grew, he became very violent towards me, and other children. Always biting, hitting and throwing toys across the room was a daily occurrence. It became difficult for him to stay in family day care, for the safety of the other children. 

It was insane, I tried to talk to him, I took advice from what felt like a million people. Drs, parents, helplines, support groups you name it, I tried it. 

I would say to my friends, How could a child that gets so much love be so aggressive? I was googling one day as you do, and I came across a well known clinic that specialises in children with Autism. 

I took him to the Dr again! This time feeling confused and hopeless. =(  At home I would cop at least 50 punches, and several bites all over my body everyday. So it was go time!! 

I got the referral, and we went to the Clinic.My son walked in and was on his best behaviour of course. lol 

She sat and played some games with him, the whole process went for about an hour. She then sat down and talked to me.

The first thing she said, still to this day sticks in my mind. She said “when I first met your son, he seemed to be fine for his age. As the games went on, I noticed lots of things that are very concerning”

She then explained to me what her findings were. Have you ever noticed that when you are playing a game with him, when he runs into a bit of trouble, he will pull your hand to grab what he needs. Without words and no eye contact.

I replied sure. All the time.

She then told me many more things, that I will go into detail in other writings.  I was speechless.. 

Now I love my son the way he is, and have nothing against Autism. At the time though I was uneducated, and when the words fell from her lips,

 “ I believe your son has a significant Autism” 

My jaw hit the floor. I asked her what does that mean for him? then said, I thought that was normal. I thought a lot of the things he did were perfectly normal.

I use the word “normal” as just a word, not an indication that I think my son or any person on the spectrum isn't normal. Just thought I would put that out there, in case your reading this thinking (bitch please! who are you calling not normal) lol 

The feeling of not knowing what to do when you have just received that in her clinical opinion, and feeling so alone.

I got to the car and just cried. The main thought that ran through my head, was just worries for my darling son. Worrying will life be hard for him. What do I even do with this information. Who do I call for help? should I call for help? I racked my brain trying to figure out the answer.

I just felt like I was sort of going in circles. 

One of the major turning points for me was.

I was at the Drs one day, and my son had a massive meltdown. He bit my shoulder so hard he drew blood. The pain was so intense, it startled me so much that I dropped him. I still feel so bad about that!

I don't know what came over me. I started whaling and crying so much, in front of everyone. I curled myself up in the foetal position right in the middle of the surgery floor. As my son just walked around the surgery like nothing had happened. 

Now when I think of that tragically embarrassing moment, I just laugh. 

The receptionist came over to me, she was this little old lady. She wrapped her arms around me.

She gave me the biggest hug, and said “its ok darling, your doing a wonderful job”

That day I got the referral to my local hospital, to see the top childhood Dr

I was very relieved. I would get some answers! For a second opinion, and this lady is apparently the top Dr

We arrived at our local hospital. Now as you may have guessed, or have experience with.

My son is not one for public places and sitting still, he can usually sit still for a total of zero seconds. So when making an appointment its helpful if  the Dr is running on time. 

This was not the case! she was running 2 hours late!! 

I kept asking when is it our turn? I chased my son around the hospital at least 6 times. We got asked to wait in an outside locked space because he was screaming so loudly. it was a nightmare!! My anxiety was through the Roof..  

The looks I got from other patients, Its like I could hear their thoughts as the glared at me with their judging eyes and cats bum faces. 

All I could hear was, cant control your child, or what a little shit or such bad mother!

You name it! I heard it.. Without anyone of them saying a word. You know the expression a look can say a thousand words, or something like that. 

We finally!!!!! got called in, at this point he was over tired and so was I. 

The Dr was an older woman with short blond hair. She spoke with an almost regal tone to he voice. 

I thought this woman will have the answer for sure. She asked me a series of questions, and examined my son. I was truthfully scared to answer some of the questions, in fear of more judgment. 

In hindsight as a mother, we tend to blame ourselves for the silliest things. 

I have later learnt its called mothers guilt. Its a bastard of a thing. Anyway getting back to the Dr visit.

Sorry about that little tangent, I do that. 

She said to me have you ever heard of a disorder called ODD? I replied No.. What is ODD? She said it is an acronym for something called Oppositional Defiance Disorder. 

WHATTTT!!!!!! Now I was angry! I said to her, I came here for help! Not for you to give my son a made up diagnoses.

I then asked her, so how do I fix this ODD? She said there is no cure. What do you mean there is no cure? 

She suggested to a program called the PPP Parenting course. That will give you coping strategies, you can learn as a parent, thus in turn help you to control your boys ODD. um NO!  

If it was that easy why the hell do you think I'm here!!

Do Drs like you get off on this just giving a child that doesn't quite fit a made up label? Or telling parents that they need to do a parenting program! in order to fix a Neurological disorder.  WTF... lol 

I practically ran out the door, I couldn't believe the absolute BS I had just been fed. I was driving home shaking my head thinking the nerve of this woman. 

I will say this again, its so funny looking back on all of this, its  the kind of funny that you laugh and then cringe.  

I got home, got my son out of the car, as he is pulling my hair out of my head. =( 

So far I have your son has sever autism, and some made up Disorder. well at the time I thought that (speaking in past tense)

So what did I do? I will tell you.

I did what any normal parent does, ask Dr Google =) 

Slowly typing in the search bar (What is ODD?) As my finger presses down on the enter button, I am then bombarded with Youtube vids and pages and pages of ODD info.

At this moment I'm like WOW, ODD is really a thing. I feel dumb now. Awkward for me, But holy shit this doesn't look fun. No offence but ODD sucks! I mean that with much love to parents out there. Its in short , everything you say your child fights you. They are violent and just exactly what its called. 

I could keep talking and writing for days, but I will wrap it up now with a to be continued!   

 If you read this and this and this is where you are at in this moment. 

I want you to know you are not alone. I wont lie, the road is a long and tough one. if no one has told you your doing a good job. YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB. XX Part 2 will come shortly, let me know what you think? be kind lol

 Take care. From J 

#autism #sensorydisorders #ODD #singlemums #parentswithkidsonthespecturm #lifescurveballs #mystory #sensorykids