dawndollyy

[soup-sponge]

thinking (very disjointed) thoughts about how much i love the very clear colour distinction between safety and danger in lockwood and co. 

the safety of portland row hits so much harder because it gets its very own colour grade !!!! there is no other location in lco that gets the same cozy warm tones that portland row gets !! it stands out !!

dangerous locations are always green toned even when the danger is in portland row itself !! which is scrumptiously contrasting with its typical soft oranges and yellows !! it’s green toned when annie ward attacks and when ellie has broken in and when carver shows up at their door !! the fact that you are able to visibly tell the difference between safe portland row and dangerous portland row is so delightful to me !!

i thought it might just be how the show distinguishes between day and night regardless of wether the characters were indoors or outdoors, but after they deal with annabelle’s ghost the warm tones come back !! that happens again after the lucy/annabelle posession scene and i just !!! i love it so much

[ms-march]

If With Me You'd Fondly Stay

Hello!! So I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted a proper chapter but in exchange may I offer you a little John and Adrienne scene I wrote for her birthday!! Today is her birthday so this is one of the two pieces I’m posting today!! Both are John and Adrienne but one is very sweet and the other is very not, so enjoy!

It was mornings like this one that reminded him why he cared so much for her.

She looked gorgeous in the mornings.

She looked gorgeous this morning.

It was mornings like this that reminded him of their wedding day.

That early morning ceremony, away from the large crowd that had gathered at the manor, had been eye-opening for him.

He had forgotten how to breathe when he saw her.

He had forgotten he needed to breathe when he saw her.

She looked gorgeous.

But John Laurens had been cursed.

He should have been able to cherish her the way he knew she so deserved. He should have been able to love her the way he so wanted to. He should have been able to love her.

But John Laurens had been born cursed.

John Laurens could not love her. He could not love any “her” even if he wanted to. He wanted so desperately to be normal. He wanted so desperately to have been born normal. He wanted so desperately to love her.

It was not fair. Not from him.

Not to her.

She had not asked for this— well, she had asked for this very moment, but that was not what he was talking about at the moment. She had not asked to be married to him. To be married to a man who could never love her.

It was cruel.

And he knew it was.

But John Laurens had been born cursed.

And he wanted so desperately to love her. And perhaps in this very moment, he did.

She was gorgeous this morning.

She took his breath away.

He never realized just how much blue was in her room.

There were light blue silk brocade chairs, a blue painted fireplace, and lots of this blue and white chintz fabric. If he recalled correctly, it could be labeled as a toile de jour pattern.

Her sheets matched the wallpaper, and the silk bed curtains matched the blue trim around the walls. The curtains match the chairs, and thick gold threaded chords held their middle to drape them delicately across the windows, allowing the morning sunlight to stream through their stately frames.

Someone had been in the room.

Someone had been in the room, but they had not disturbed them.

Good.

John’s attention was drawn from his close analysis of her bedroom by a small sound and the rustling of sheets. She was stirring.

He could not tell if she was waking up or trying to return to sleep, shifting her face on his chest.

She was snuggling into him.

She was at peace.

He had done his job.

She clung to him, gripping his waistcoat as though he would disappear, and whispered, looking up at him with wide eyes still full of fear.

“Stay”

And so he had.

He stayed, and now, here he was, with her wrapped in his arms, nuzzling into his chest and cuddled against him under the fluffy sheets.

She was gorgeous.

He had never realized just how lovely she looked in the sunlight.

He could not help but stare, running his fingers across her blonde locks as his heart picked up speed. He might just love her.

He was not sure how, but he knew he did.

It was not the same thing he felt with his Alexander, it would never be, but it was more of a limbo just off from what he felt for his siblings. He could look at her now and see his wife. The mother of his son. He no longer looked at her and saw his sister, Martha.

Perhaps he did truly love her. Not the way he should. Not the way that was normal for a man and woman. But perhaps he loved her like this.

Perhaps he loved her like a sleepy morning. Wrapped in his arms and laying on his chest. Perhaps this is how he could love her.

Last night he had chosen to sleep towards the door to shield her. To protect her. This morning he was grateful for the choice. The full wall of windows shone warm sunlight on her face, making her skin radiant and dewy in the mid-morning light. He was glad she was sleeping.

He would not know how to handle the situation were she not so tired.

He would not wake her, but he could not help from gently moving the hair from her face. And her cheeks were far too soft for him not to caress them with the pads of his fingers.

He was staring.

Was he smiling?

He was smiling.

He was smiling at her.

She was stirring on his chest.

“John?”

She had to repeat herself once more before he remembered that she was waking up. Before he remembered, she was stirring in his arms.

He hummed in acknowledgment of her question, unable to stop smiling at her.

“Are you alright?”

“Of course I am.”

He cared for her. Perhaps he even loved her. Perhaps that is why he had acted the way he had last night. Perhaps he cared for her because he loved her. Perhaps that is why the image of pure terror on her face won’t leave his mind.

It only left him when he saw her like this.

He may not love her as he should. That would never happen. Not with him. But he could love her like this. He could love her like a sleepy morning.

He could be content with this kind of love.

But could she?

“You are thinking.”

He hummed in affirmation, fingers sliding through her soft locks mindlessly. Staring.

“Perhaps I am.”

“If you were— thinking, I mean— what would it be about?”

“You.”

It was the truth.

It was the truth, but he couldn’t recall the last time he had been so honest with her.

He had said it unthinkingly.

He had meant it.

She giggled.

She had giggled— not laughed, actually giggled— at him. It sounded heavenly, little bells chiming in the tones of her voice as the sweet laughter passed her lips.

He wanted her to do it again.

“And what about me is so entrancing this morning?”

He shrugged his shoulders, trying his best not to move her from his chest.

“How does everything sound?”

“Everything?”

She was surprised. She had tried to prop herself up on her elbows, but his arms tightened around her just before she could, pulling a playful huff and that adorable smile to her face.

It was the smile she gave before making a witty remark. Usually at his expense. He didn’t mind, however. He rather looked forward to seeing that charming little smile across her lips. That was what he adored about her the most. Her wit. Her humor. Her brilliant brain. He adored all of it.

Perhaps more than a normal husband ought to.

He had never fit the definition of “normal.”

“Careful, John Laurens. Or else people will begin to think you love your wife.”

That was what he loved about her the most.

She took all of his stumbles and made them into confident strides.

She took all of his frowns and turned them to smiles, no matter how stubbornly he tried to remain upset or angry.

He was smiling.

He was smiling at her.

He was smiling at her as she smiled cheekily up at him from her perch against his chest. She was witty, and funny, and brilliant.

She was brilliant, and he adored all of it.

So he smiled at her, wrapped tight in his arms, cheekily beaming up at him from her own witty jab.

Perhaps he loved her.

“I don’t mind that.”

She was still smiling at him, but it had softened, as had her eyes.

It was the truth.

He might just love her.

Not the way he ought to.

He could never love her like Alexander.

But he just might love her.

And she was ok with that, lowering her head back against the linen of his sleep shirt with that same soft grin on her lips.

She did not have to love him. He did not know if she could find it in herself to love him. Not after the way he had behaved. But she was safe, cared for, and happy.

She was happy.

And he was ok with that.

[darkestangel1326]

Fuyu no Hanashi - both versions

So ever since Fuyu no Hanashi has been released in the anime, the fandom has collectively lost their shit over the song, replaying it over and over and doing post after post analysis over the scene. In some instances scrolling through the tags, you see people prefer one version over the other.

I don’t really have a preference for either version but I love both versions. I really do think that each version represents a differing view of Mafuyu’s grieving process and how he moves forward, after Yuki. When you look at the nuances of the songs, I think that especially emphasizes it. 

So this is a meta nobody wanted about the two versions of Fuyu no Hanashi (Mafuyu’s song) and how they are BOTH nuanced and interesting to me. 

First up, the anime version: 

God just re-watching this scene gives me chills. It was so beautifully done. I don’t wanna focus too much on the colors since a good meta has already been done but I do wanna talk about the lyrics and how they relate to this portrayal of the story. 

[Given Anime] Fuyu no Hanashi (LYRICS)

[Verse 1] Just like Snow that hasn't completely melted In the shade I continue on with these feelings inside me Hey, with what words Should I close the door on this love? The instruments start full force from the beginning, everyone in the group playing intensely and then there’s a brief fade of the intensity, likely where Mafuyu’s song would be. When Mafuyu starts singing, all the instruments support his lyrics as they fade more into the background, with the exception of guitar. This represents the support his band has been giving him behind the scenes to get him to the stage even if they didn’t know his tragic backstory. 

Mafuyu begins singing softly and there’s a slight delay between his first word he sings and the next lyrics, almost as if it hits him [and us tbh] that he’s singing aloud. This pause could also be seen as Mafuyu trying to put his feelings into words and taking a second to pick the best ones; but if you think about it metaphorically, Mafuyu - quiet, sleepy Mafuyu - has found his voice and he wants to say something that will reach people, though who he desperately wants to reach most is Yuki. 

There is a kanji that means snow and although that is not part of Yuki’s actual name, I still think Mafuyu’s first metaphor talking about snow works as a hidden reference to Yuki. Snow that hasn’t melted in the shade ie feelings that haven’t left, even at Mafuyu’s darkest times. So his next line of lyrics rise in volume gradually and he continues in that same volume. He confirms his feelings here as well. Then he takes an [audible] breath after the first word of his question and continues it by singing the rest of the lines with a rising volume. Personally, I  like the sound of artist’s taking a breath and in this case, it was done well and believably. For one, Mafuyu probably hasn’t learned breath control much so he’s belting out this beautiful sound and has to take a breather but also might still be unaware of how close he is to the mic resulting in the audible breath. Or, another reason may be because this breath, intended or not, slows the song enough to build for something impactful (the chorus). And this slowing pace also makes his question of how am I supposed to stop loving you when I still do? sound more desperate and pleading. Additionally, this line shifts Mafuyu’s sad thoughts to his more bitter ones, which is fully expressed in the first chorus. [1st Chorus] Your everything has lost its tomorrow And now is wandering around eternally Along with me Who unable to say goodbye or move on

The instruments all come back in full force with the drums taking the lead. Except this time, neither the instruments or Mafuyu’s voice yield to the other. It gives the impression that the band has become a constant support in Mafuyu’s grieving process. And here we see the change from Mafuyu’s melancholy to his bitterness towards Yuki, and even preludes how Yuki’s ghost haunts him. Mafuyu is in essence saying that Yuki’s physical form is gone but his ghost is always in Mafuyu’s life and will be forever, hanging around the guy who was unable to properly say goodbye. And this is when we begin to understand that Mafuyu has some guilt surrounding Yuki’s death; he wishes he could’ve said a proper goodbye. And yes, I know that sounds like every mourner but this is especially poignant because Mafuyu’s constant inner dialogue to this point was always presented as “I’m not lonely. I have friends who I play basketball with etc”. So hearing him say and getting the sense that he feels guilt about Yuki’s death (though at this point we didn’t know how much), it makes you see him in a different way. It’s also a big stepping stone for Mafuyu since he’s finally said he was unable to say goodbye or move on which means that he’s facing his feelings with the unyielding support of his bandmates during an impromptu song performed live. 

[Verse 2] Just like A spell that still won't break Or some kind of curse I'm still holding on to some heavy baggage Hey, what kind of tomorrow Am I supposed to look for in this town?

Ah...

This is where the feels got real for me. That echo. It was the first echo I heard in the song and I think the reason was just impact. By this point in the song we see that Mafuyu is starting to really pour his heart out in an effort to confront his past and then that echo after his first word. It’s not just that there’s an echo, but a lingering, fading one that really emphasizes how haunted Mafuyu’s been by his past. And we further delve into the feels/grief in the rest of the verse. Most instruments fade into the background, giving Mafuyu space to sing his next verse. And this verse continues to have the echo effect throughout as well. We see Mafuyu’s rose-colored worldview of Yuki crumble as he compares his love with Yuki as a magic spell at first, then becoming unbreakable after his death, with a suffocating grip akin to a curse. If he tries to move forward, he carries the weight of Yuki’s passing like heavy baggage and wants to know how he’s supposed to move forward when this baggage, once magic spell, makes it hard to not see Yuki everywhere. 

If we relate this to the flashbacks, we see Mafuyu’s highlights with Yuki - their first meeting which was like magic, all the way to Mafuyu’s last words to Yuki (aka what he is most likely guilty about). However, it’s Mafuyu’s last words to Yuki, and the guilt associated with those words from Yuki’s sudden passing - that’s the real heavy baggage Mafuyu carries around. 

So how can he move forward in life, in the place where his guilt and Yuki’s ghost live? He doesn’t know how and the one person he wants to reach out to and ask can’t answer him. Hence the most heartbreaking scream I’ve heard in a long time. He screams out of pain. Out of despair. Out of anguish. It’s like he’s free falling and was trying to reach out to the one person who could ease his guilt but realizes (or should I say finally accepts) that the person he wants to talk to most about this pain won’t ever be able to respond back. And so he keeps falling.

[Bridge]

The cold tears that fall Freeze under the sky They pretend to be kind And around the time, they fall down my face Two people who were always together are torn apart That's all there is to this story

The Bridge is also so well done here. There’s a stillness of the instruments like a moment of delayed falling, as if time itself has stopped. 

This likely references immediately post-Yuki when Mafuyu had the most trouble knowing or expressing his grief and his inability to move forward. The cold tears that fall/ Freeze under the sky - almost like saying his guilt is preventing him from expressing his sadness. Or that he’s having trouble showing his emotions at all compared to those around him. Deep down Mafuyu wanted to feel something openly but maybe it’s the guilt or the memory of his abusive father or a trigger that prevents him from feeling at all. But when he does start facing his past, every emotion rushes back - the good and the bad: They pretend to be kind/ and around the time, they fall down my face. I think this represents his feelings abstractly - they pretend to be kind because his first thoughts about Yuki are his happy memories but as soon as the memories hit him, so does the regret, the sorrow and the anger. 

Notice here how the other instruments start coming back full force, almost one by one almost as if representing each member stepping up and letting Mafuyu know he can be vulnerable -  a nice little reference to the story since Mafuyu does sort of have a moment with each of them during his grieving process. 

Two people who were always together are torn apart and showing THAT scene...that is the most raw this song reached. It hurt seeing Mafuyu say even though he couldn’t forgive himself or Yuki that he wanted to and still missed him [and in that broken voice too]. And he brought that emotion into the last line of the bridge. In the simplest of terms, two people who were always together were torn apart, but this is perhaps the first time Mafuyu can come to realize that Yuki wasn’t just taken from him but Mafuyu was also taken from Yuki. They both lost the other and that shows that Mafuyu is starting to see that Yuki’s death wasn’t his fault. 

Something I’ve been learning about grief is that you can feel frozen and unsure what to think about someone, but can also feel anger towards someone who died. It can weirdly be more intimate because you have a solidly established relationship and aren’t blinded by the good times. Now I’m not saying be angry with them forever, or even be bitter; I’m saying that being able to be angry while grieving isn’t strange because ultimately, the resolution of anger by expressing it can be freeing. And we see this in the final chorus of this song.

[Final Chorus] Even if your everything loses its shape one day You'll always be here within me As I try to move forward again Even though I couldn't say goodbye You'll always be here with me

Instrument wise, this is pretty similar to the first chorus, though here there is a notable explosive moment (Uenoyama) that transitions the rest of the band from subdued to full on sound in the first line. You could depict this as how Uenoyama is catalyst for Mafuyu to grieve and feel safe doing it at his own pace. Additionally, this chorus has similar lyrics to the first chorus though the diction is important: “Even if”. This changes the chorus greatly, along with the other changes such as “move forward again” and “you’ll always be here within me”. All these changes soften up the chorus so Mafuyu sounds less bitter towards Yuki and he actually sounds more fond of their memories together but now knowing he has to move forward with only those memories in his heart.

He accepts that he won’t get to say goodbye and that one day he may even forget some things about Yuki, but even so, as he moves forward again Yuki will be there with him. 

There’s just something so beautiful about this chorus when it comes to these lyrics and how they work with the rest of the song. Yes verse 2 and the bridge were interesting because of the echos and the instrumental arrangement and the scream but something about a character realizing that this guilt they carried for so long is the very thing that kept them from moving forward and finally being able to come to terms with the pain, accept that it’s there and give themself permission to try moving forward again.. Something about that just makes me really emotional because it’s such a simple yet powerful concept that is so difficult to do in real life. 

Next up, the BLCD version

I’m in the middle of listening to the drama cd so I don’t know how or when this song comes up (or if the posted drama cd will include the performance) and the voice acting is something that I’m getting used to considering I watched the anime before hearing the BLCD though I did hear the BLCD Fuyu no Hanashi before hearing the anime’s version. Then I heard the live BLCD Fuyu no Hanashi which reminds me of the anime scene though it doesn’t sync up perfectly. 

[Given BLCD] Fuyu no Hanashi (LYRICS*)

I can’t meet you,                                                                                                  but I don't feel alone.                                                                                           This is a certain winter's story                                                                         that's disappeared so suddenly. 

Here we’re hit with a sole guitar sound characterized with short, quick and consistent strums with a sound akin to church bells, as if alluding to a funeral or death. The drums appear, though mostly in the background to make the beat more present and then another guitar comes in, its own sound distorted yet patterned between lower and higher pitches that sound like wailing screams. After setting this angsty scene, the instruments pause briefly and Mafuyu sings with the wailing guitar sound transforming into one with a consistent pitch and strumming pattern joining him (which I believe is his guitar in this version). It being his guitar makes sense since no other instruments are heard at this point; Mafuyu is telling his story and it’s his thoughts we’re hearing. in the manga, Mafuyu constantly repeats he doesn’t feel alone citing by this point the various things going on in his life. But saying I can’t meet you beforehand adds a good tension to the song and an interesting contradiction in the hook. I can’t meet you/ but don’t feel alone - it makes it sounds robotic and forced, like he’s telling the truth but with his barriers up to avoid the underlying emotions. 

This is a certain winter's story/ that's disappeared so suddenly - the rest of the instruments begin coming back, though faintly, as if supporting Mafuyu’s grief. The faint return of the instruments along with Mafuyu’s faint almost hushed whispered type singing builds an interesting tension to the song, making it feel like the calm before the storm.

Differing from my heart, I put my words to use.                                                Don't forgive me now. 

Here the song’s tension heightens with both Mafuyu and the band’s instruments increase in volume. This also reflects the lyrics since we begin to understand Mafuyu believes he is to blame for this winter tragedy. And right after he sings Don't forgive me now the tension is realeased. 

Where did you go?                                                                                               My fingers are cold                                                                                                 and I can't move;                                                                                                     it's as if I didn't know anything. 

The wailing guitar returns when Mafuyu belts Where did you go? leaving the impression that this wailing sound represents his screams. But more than that, this whole verse (chorus?) is accusatory but in a more reserved, melancholy way - as if representing hesitancy to feel anything while being buried in emotions. All this amounts to Mafuyu being frozen by contradictory emotions and therefore being unable to fully process much less express himself. 

This verse is immediately followed up by the instruments coming back full force with the wailing guitar the most prominent sound, again representing Mafuyu’s internal screams of frustration, bitterness and sadness.

I remember the smell of the sea.                                                                         Even more, the thoughts I wish I'd told you,                                                    floating midair. 

Next, the instruments fade except for the beating drums and a new delicately intricate guitar sound whose loop-like pattern represent Mafuyu’s grief and how all his emotions are constantly looping. Mafuyu’s voice returns to a softer and more hushed sound as he remembers the smell of the sea. This is a direct reference to his beach trip with Yuki (which was presented earlier in the manga) and how Mafuyu never thought he would forget the trip though Yuki thought he would eventually. Here, Mafuyu's contesting that not only does he remember the sea but also the floating thoughts are that he’ll always remember Yuki, whether he wants to or not which he didn’t quite say during that trip.

The cymbals from the drums echo as two predominant guitar sounds compete to be heard: one a less severe church bell sound and the other a calming and consistently short strum patterned one. In this case, the sounds likely represent Mafuyu’s biggest competing emotions: his guilt and his fondness towards Yuki. 

Additionally, remember how Akihiko talked with Mafuyu and told Mafuyu that he has to face his past in order to move forward [and he hinted moving forward with Ue at the time]? Well consider that it was the cymbal echo (from the drums) that gave rise to the two competing guitars sounds, bringing them to the forefront while Mafuyu was singing.

The seasons will always pass by ever so quickly,                                                     yet why am I just standing here? 

The drums become more present as the less severe church bell guitar fades and is almost entirely consumed by the simple strum patterned guitar. The arrangement settles into a melancholic sound backdrop to Mafuyu’s firm singing. 

Lyrically, the seasons will always pass by ever so quickly could refer to time but they could also refer to people (Yuki referring to winter and Ue referring to summer - two distinct seasons). This is continued by Mafuyu asking yet why am I just standing here? Again, this works on the time passing level and Mafuyu’s shift of romantic emotions to Ue but let’s not undercut the importance of this verse. This is the first time Mafuyu openly expresses a desire to move forward in the song. Up to this point, he talks about being unable to move forward or even being lost in his memories, but he doesn’t express a desire to move forward until Ue becomes a bigger part of his life. 

The simple strum pattern guitar sound evolves into a more aggressive sound, briefly disrupting the previous melancholic tone of the song and adding an interesting overall feel, briefly taking the focus by its continued intricate chords ending with a tone of finality as well. Assuming this guitar is Ue (it probably is), this is almost like he’s reminding Mafuyu that he’s a part of his life now, at least temporarily shifting focus from Yuki but enough to make Mafuyu feel ready to move forward which supports the verse being about them. 

It's stopped, but                                                                                                               I still want you to forgive me. 

After [Ue’s] guitar solo, the guitar transforms back into simple repetitive short strums while drums re-enter to prominently provide the beat. Mafuyu begins softly singing  It’s stopped. It’s stopped may not necessarily mean his guilt here as much as it likely means his frozen grief. He’s done being paralyzed by grief. This is confirmed when Mafuyu’s voice shifts to a louder, more pleading sound as he still wants Yuki’s forgiveness regardless of his decision to try to move forward again. 

I'm desolated, even if I scream it out                                                                    you're not here anymore.                                                                                        No matter where I stand,                                                                                       you're always in the scenery. 

Here Mafuyu’s resigned to the fact that even if he screams out to Yuki, Yuki won’t ever respond. This also tends to be why people prefer the anime version;  that heartbreaking scream where Mafuyu literally let out all his emotions at one time. But if we think about this version, Mafuyu has been screaming the entire time. The wailing guitar sound present on and off throughout the song? - that represents Mafuyu’s screams of agony and how he appears indifferent on the outside but is actually deeply in pain within (which corresponds to the repeated lower and higher sounds of the wailing guitar sound). At this point, we only hear the higher pitch of the wailing guitar in the background, his pain laid bare for the audience to feel. 

He continues by saying no matter where he is, Yuki will always be there. Unlike before, however, when those precious memories immobilized him, Mafuyu sings these lyrics firmly, accepting them as he decides to move forward. 

A certain winter's story, the sea and the white breaths,                                        soon start to disappear.                                                                                                   I wonder if someday I'm going to change. 

So this penultimate verse kills me every time. It’s raw, its emotionally charged and it’s just the right amount of hopeful for someone who is trying to move forward. He summarizes his strongest memories with Yuki - when he died, their beach trip and their *ahem* intimate embraces - and how he’s starting to forget parts of those memories. When he ponders I wonder if someday I'm going to change he likely means if he’ll become someone different as the memories fade into the past. That in it of itself is powerful - as much as he knows Yuki will be there in spirit, his presence will be less pronounced in Mafuyu’s life as time passes. They’ve known each other their whole lives and now Mafuyu’s set to live the rest of his life without Yuki physically beside him and I’m sure that although the prospect might scare him, he wonders if he will change.

As mentioned above the main focus is higher pitch of the wailing guitar in the background however, as Mafuyu wonders if he’ll change the higher/lower wailing guitar sounds return, showing how the notion makes Mafuyu uneasy. This sound continues into the last line as well. Additionally, the drums beating incessantly as if to build tension and then become a rhythmic pattern for the last line - the resolution of the tension.

If I could [talk to you again]

Mafuyu ends his song as softly as he began, almost like he’s unintentionally  broadcasting his last thoughts through the microphone. He wishes to have understood Yuki’s feelings which doesn’t necessarily point to guilt at this point. He’s not guilty or upset - on the contrary, he misses Yuki and wants to talk to him again, which is how this Mafuyu exists the stage, with the realization that he doesn’t want to say he’s lonely in an effort to convince himself that he’s fine, he wants to tell Yuki about his new life and that feeling is what overwhelms him. 

The rhythmic lower and higher pitched wailing guitar is present in the background with the now beating drums but all instruments pause and quickly fade as Mafuyu says he wants to talk to [Yuki] again, providing him the space to arrive at this conclusion unperturbed. 

Like the anime, this song represents Mafuyu’s grieving process but in a different way. Here, Mafuyu feels lots of mixed emotions towards Yuki which effectively makes his grieving feel frozen. He works through it by reliving his fondest(?) memories but realizing that time has passed and that he’s ready to be honest with himself. He wants Yuki’s forgiveness but knows he won’t get that - instead, he’ll get Yuki’s lingering spirit. But that, too, shall fade as he develops new memories with his band and Ue. He’s going to change as this happens but even so will still want to be able to talk to Yuki about it because despite everything, Mafuyu misses him. 

This song is raw because it reflects how grief isn’t necessarily linear - sometimes, you feel everything at once and that keeps you frozen or you only feel one thing and that’s ok. It’s ok to miss your first love, despite falling in love again. Because moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting your first love or using that relationship as a stepping stone - it means loving that person, regardless of their physical state and being able to love anew without trying to replace the person that was lost. Mafuyu will always love Yuki but it doesn’t mean he can’t love Ue just as much either.