#i did vtuber art im so happy :’D

[scarletfeisty]

『MECONOPSIS』

Happy Birthday, Ina! 🧡💜

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Im in a calm state. That weird sobriety you get when so stressed but everything becomes very clear. If you know it, you know it. I fail to explain it right now. The world feels so... Full of water. Walking and pacing right now takes effort. It feels like each limb is swimming through its own pool. Even down to the fingers typing.

Ive hurt people. Ive hurt many people. Ive hurt myself. Im... Trying to think of the lives ive genuinely had a positive impact on. My whole blood family i intentionally distance myself from because they failed to see me being hurt at a young age. S i dont think cares, only really is a friend because ive been a friend for a while. Je A and St all know ive effectively betrayed their trust now. M im trying to distance myself from because of bubbling trauma from a young age i harbor and my own unforgivable mistake. D used to love me, i couldnt tell you why and... Now it just feels like i shun them for liking vtubers which nice job dickhead. B i scared out of my life for a long time because of how i acted when i was around 15. And... J. The only one who might on a shred of a chance still read this. J. You were... Are... Everything. It might sound obsessive, it probably is. Everything ive done, everything thats happened. You made it all matter. You were... Purpose. Someone i strived to improve because they were so happy to see me grow. I hurt you those years ago and you know that probably better than me. This... Whole thing that is happening. I think its reconciliation for hurting you. Every time we are apart, its hell. Every time we arent talking feels like ive been put in an iron maiden with an electrical shock going through me every time i sit still. I blame myself very often for the shock. Well, it is always my fault. Well, point is i... Never wanted to become a bad memory. Even when i hurt you i really was just vying for attention in a sick unforgivable way. I know you know that. I changed. After that all. Became someone new and... I dont want to ever do it again. I like the me that i made. But now im fucking it all up because im trying to cope with you being gone. I betrayed everyone and myself recently. And i wish you were here to remind me that above all else im able to change for the better. But youre not. Hell theres only a small chance youre reading this but thats never stopped me from posting before.

I always wanted to believe that we could push through anything. Just like i pushed through so much. But... Not everyones me. And now i dont even have you. I dont have us. We... Dont have us. I will admit im extremely jealous that you have a support structure and... Not any of the destructive tendencies that i have, or at least are capable of controlling them. I really do wish i could just step away and find a new group and.... Anyway yes i am jealous but... Im not you. I wish you would see it my way, that we can work through anything if we try hard enough but i guess thats the point. We arent enough to you. Im not enough for you. And thats not bad, its really not. Its just true.

Ive really only hurt people, and you, J, are the one i did everything in my body to reverse or make up for. And i guess that was my downfall. I only tried to be more for you. To everyone else im just... A pile of jokes and a snarky attitude. And to that end, im not content living a life like this. I really find it pointless. I did everything and i was never enough for the one that mattered. I guess something shit feeling is knowing that maybe theres someone in the future or even right now looking at this and journaling and letting it play its course just to be some random video about some odd internet weirdo journal. Because im more than that, or at least was. But i was only ever able to be more for you. This is not a goodbye note. Just sobriety.

All the art. All the creativity. All the interest. Everything that is me. Boiled down into a weird melting pot of a loser tumblr blog. What a nothing way to be remembered.