#i didnt know what to title this help how do i encapsulate my thoughts into a title wtf man omfg

[dizzybizz]

incoherent mumbling and whimpering and sobbing and-

[bloodycassian]

Azriel x Reader - Trying. 

TW- DEPRESSION//sadness - Thank you anon for this request. I have struggled with Dysthymia for almost my whole life. It felt good to write this little piece of representation. 

Nothing but a ghost. Like the two wraiths that waited to serve you at your command. The wraiths that had nothing to do. Granted, they had tried pushing food on you, or books or paints or whatever other form of entertainment or sustenance but you ignored them. Knowing that if you had put up the fight to say anything you may lose your control completely and break down. You could let the time pass, numbly without a care. It was better than having to deal with the reality of not being alive at all.

  Rhysand had set you up in a beautiful room in the house of wind after the village attack. You could see the entire city below and the ocean beyond. It did nothing for you. If he was hoping for some kind of gratitude he didn't show it. He simply explained the house would provide if needed and that he would check in weekly. You were surprised he wasnt asking for more - that he wasnt going to try to get any information from you about Hybern's forces on the continent. After months of war you had become numb to the idea of peace. It never seemed like an option anymore. Perhaps the two generals he had brought with him to save your village had gotten all the information they needed.

  Weeks of sleeping later and you felt your eyes getting heavy again while looking out to the Sidra. The bright city below seemed buzzing with excitement about the upcoming summer solstice. You couldn't wait until you could go to bed. The tower of books on the table beside you casted a shadow over your feet, then your legs, up to your arms. Until finally, it was dark on the balcony, the stars above twinkling like the white caps on the ocean. Dread twisted in your gut, and you slowly got up, letting your body adjust to the change. Dark spots edged in around your vision.

  You could feel the chasm open inside you. The pit of loneliness - the empty void of demons waiting to take you as soon as you dropped your guard. The head rush from getting up made you want to vomit. The acid in your stomach churned, burning up to your throat. Fasting for so long would make Rhysand force your hand to eat, you knew. But you couldn't bring yourself to even try. You felt weighted, like there was a tired blanket over your being and you couldn't get it off no matter how hard you tried. The demons pulled at you.

The pain was good though, a solid reminder of why you would not eat. Why you could not eat. You did not deserve such a pleasure. You doubted you could stomach anything more than crackers anyway after weeks of fasting. Rhysand was not subtle with his advances of trying to get you to try food when he visited. The smell of some of the treats he brought made you gag at times. Your stomach howled at you now though.

  The knock on the door didnt surprise you. It was time for the high lord's weekly visit where you would tell him everything was fine and you didnt need anything. And he would try to get through your shields, and there would be a flash of disappointment on his face at the obsidian stone you would slam down on him. Then he would leave. And you could let the sting of that disappointment burn you alive until you were on the bed sobbing.

  "Enter, your highness." You smiled to yourself slightly, knowing the title would bother him. The voice that came once the door opened made you whip around. Not Rhys. "Actually..." The spymaster. The general that had guarded your village while the other barreled through the enemy lines. "Rhys was busy. He sent me instead." He stood in the doorway, tentatively.

  "Oh.." You felt your cheeks go red at the embarrassment of him seeing you like this. From the defender of your village to..what? A tired being that craved nothing more than to simply not exist anymore? "What is he doing?" You asked out of courtesy only. You were used to the high lord seeing your mess of a room, but Azriel was.. different for some reason. You walked over to the bed and kicked the sheets under the frame. Attempting to tidy up even slightly. The rest of the room was a mess of clothes and empty containers, drink cups. Nerves made your heart race.

"Nightmares?" He asked, stepping inside and closing the oak door behind him. He leaned on it, arms crossed over his chest. His simple tunic seemed to eat the light in the room, not reflecting a thing.

  Your face burned. You felt your eyes sting. Clearing your throat you nodded, folding your arms over your middle. Your ribs seemed to jut out more now that he was watching you. You watched him, as his shadows snaked around his shoulders and curled around his ear. They searched the room. You sighed, going to the closet beside him -ignoring the mirror mounted there- and pulling out a folding chair. You placed it next to your own, facing out to the starry sky. You sat in the familiar padded chair, leaning on the arm rest. The half cup of cold tea next to the book tower rattled slightly on its plate as he approached. A bubble of tranquil quiet seemed to encapsulate the area. A feeling you recognized as relief flowed through your bones. You felt the tension in your body fade slightly. You breathed a bit easier, like he was taking a weight off your chest.

He sat next to you for a long while before he spoke. "I used to hate night time." His voice was level. You tore your eyes away from the most interesting spot on the floor where you were thinking of nothing to look at him.

  He kept his eyes out to the balcony, a cool wind gusting through. His wings were folded in tight behind him, the shadows coiling over everything in the room. The trees below sighed at the caress of the breeze. The night seemed to finally speak as he spoke. He brought his hands together in front of him, rubbing over the scarred texture there. "I would hear absolutely everything in that basement. I could tell when night fell, even without windows. I could hear the beasts hunting outside, or my bastard father getting drunk and-" His hands clenched, and you thought you heard his teeth grind together. "He was a cruel male. To everyone, even my half brothers."

  A shudder rippled through you. You wondered what he had done to Azriel, if his father was cruel to his more beloved children. They had forced him into that basement, even when they knew first hand how Illyrians craved the sky. He knew of total darkness and silence - of pain that seemed to stretch on without end. He knew loneliness, he was locked up with it for the first part of his life. His shadows circled around your ankles like a cat, like they recognized you. Your voice was little more than a whisper as you spoke. "I dont even know whats wrong with me." You were relieved your tears didnt spill over. They pricked your eyes but you blinked them away.

He was quiet, taking in the information. "I didnt either until I found out what a shadow singer is." He paused, glancing at you as you tucked your legs up under yourself. "It dosent mean anything is wrong, it just means you need help sometimes. To figure out exactly what you need." He stood from the chair and flexed his wings, the shadows collecting around him like a puddle.

  He held a hand out to you, patient even while you considered. Getting out of the chair seemed like so much work with such a tired body. Tired soul, tired spirit. Anything beyond existence seemed like a complete burden. But his hand there, waiting, unwavering. Challenging. it made you sigh and finally, stiffly get out of the chair that housed you. The chair that had sucked you in, prisoned you for months.

His smile was stunning. His dark eyes seemed to light up. He led you on to the balcony and leaned over the railing. The pines far below rustled with the breeze. You swore you could hear the Sidra as well, bubbling with the current over the rocks. "How did you get out?" You asked, your eyes locking into his. He looked at you without sorrow, no fear or judgement lurked there. Just that half smile that had stayed since you stood from that chair.

"I was.. released by my father, but I still had to battle the darkness that I had learned. It wasn't until I met Rhysand and his mother that I began to... cope." He contemplated for a moment, his wings moving slightly with the wind that came through. "I'm familiar with what you're feeling. I ask that you try. I can come back again if you'd like." He left it as an open ended question, not as a demand or promise.

  "Just try? You're not gonna make a checklist for me?" You mocked, he just shook his head. "I think I would like that." You answered. At least he wouldnt pester you as much as the high lord did. At least he could bring this feeling of relief to your bones. He nodded, and the shadows seemed to spike, receding from the room and joining him, wrapping around his body and melding him with the night. "I'll be back tomorrow, then." He said simply, raising himself on to the balcony railing with ease.

  You nodded, wringing your hands with nerves as you watched him flare his wings, preparing to fly. "Dont let the bed eat you, Rhys wouldn't be happy if I had to break more of his furniture." He said over his shoulder with a wink. You felt a fleeting smile come to your lips as he jumped, wings catching him as he glided on the wind. You made a note to yourself to ask what other furniture he had ruined.

  He disappeared quickly, the shadows and the comfy bubble of silence gone. When you closed the door to the balcony and turned back to your chair, there was a plate of crackers and fruit waiting there. Your stomach rolled at the thought. Instead, you went to the closet, putting his chair away. You made a mental note to get a different seating option for him, to accommodate the wings. Knowing he was coming back, you saved yourself the future embarrassment and began picking up your clothes, putting them into the corner bin where they disappeared. You didnt pause long enough to check to see if the clothes were reappearing clean in the closet, you just kept cleaning. Trusting the house to understand you were in fact, trying. You dared not pause, knowing if you stopped there wouldn't be a beginning again.

  You went as far as requesting a mop and bucket from the Wraiths. They were wide eyes with shock at your room, at your abruptness. But they said nothing about it, just bringing you the items you requested and then some. Naula snuck in a plate of meat and cheese, leaving it next to the crackers on the end table now that there was more room with the book pile cleaned up.

  You requested the extra chair. They promised it would be in the room by morning. You made your bed, and once you were satisfied with the shining floors you stood back to admire your work. It looked like a different space, clutter gone and the books organized again. You had given the cups the Cerridwen before they left, thanking them both.

You went to your chair, hesitant to sit. The wear marks on the arm rests and the seat were apparent. Instead, picked up the plate of fruit and crackers and took it to the bench at the end of the bed, picking at the more neutral fruit as you went. A spark of something bloomed in your chest at the thought of Azriel coming back. Of what his reaction would be at the clean look of your room. You dared to hope that he would notice at all. Something told you though that he would consider this trying. He made it sound so easy.

  The bed welcomed you, clean sheets caressing your legs as you fell into the most peaceful sleep you had in a long while.

[nardaviel]

For the fanfiction meme: 1, 8, 18, 26, 27, 28, 39, 46, 50, 51. :D

fanfiction questions meme

THANK U MYST !!!!!!! ive hit my 400-word minimum for today so im taking a break

this is lots of questions tho so heres a readmore but will it show up on my blog… no one knows……… how do i fix this problem…………… when will i fix it instead of just complaining about it all the time

1. What was the first fandom you got involved in?

harry potter. i have extremely, extremely vague memories of reading a sailor moon usagi/mamoru smut fic as like an 11-year-old before then, but really, the first fandom i got into was harry potter

8. How did you get involved in your latest fandom?

answered

18. What ship have you written the most about?

uhhhhhhh. probably kinatsuen. i didnt write much fanfic before boueibu so its definitely a boueibu ship. but ill go look

ok here are the word count totals rn, including char & char as well as char/char:

enkin 14754enatsu 14829kinatsu 16420ibukinatsuen 16503kinatsuen 54897

not counted “i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)”, 10506 words divided up among kinatsu, enkin, kinatsuen, and maybe like 200 words max of enatsu, but i wasnt gonna go in and get word counts for all 40 drabbles because i cbacounted twice despicable objects (2791), path to the stars (4758), warmth (7205) are all included in both the enkin and kinatsuen totals

yeah … there was no way kinatsuen could have lost. spindle has several thousand more words than all the kinatsu and ibukinatsuen combined. im kind of amused at how ive written one (1) ibukinatsuen fic but it still has the second highest word count

i guess you could also count in terms of fics though in which case ibukinatsuen would lose but kinatsuen would still win:

Kinugawa Atsushi/Kusatsu Kinshirou/Yufuin En (6)Kinugawa Atsushi/Kusatsu Kinshirou (5)Kusatsu Kinshirou/Yufuin En / Kusatsu Kinshirou & Yufuin En (4)Kinugawa Atsushi/Yufuin En / Kinugawa Atsushi & Yufuin En (4)Arima Ibushi/Kinugawa Atsushi/Kusatsu Kinshirou/Yufuin En (1)

this answer is way longer than necessary but i got interested ljkasdf

26. How do you come up with your fanfic titles?

i go to the post window on ao3 and realize that my scrivener doc is still titled “tower au” or “demon en” or whatever, and i cry. then i desperately try to think of something thematically appropriate and hopefully pretty. usually during this process i drift further and further away from whats in the fic and the ideas become more and more tenuously connected (e.g. spindle, which is very appropriate to the fic but only in an extremely symbolic, abstracted way) but by this point im frustrated so i just go with it anyway. or, very occasionally, a title presents itself to me from the text of the fic (grace, despicable objects).

i also make vashti help me im probably really annoying about it

27. What do you hate more: Coming up with titles or writing summaries?

BOTH ………………… IT IS THE WORST PART ABOUT FICWRITING because its fucken impossible and also because by that point the fic is done! and im excited to post it!! or maybe just excited to not have to stress about it anymore. but i cant post it because i have to think of ONE WORD to encapsulate the fic and then like THREE SENTENCES to encapsulate it in a different way and both of them have to be interesting but not spoilery and how tf do you do that and my brain is fried from editing and asjl;dkfasdf. honestly though i hate them both equally

28. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of?

whatever they wanted i suppose?? i would be like :OOOOO no matter what tbh

but like if i was commissioning someone and could get whatever i wanted …… idk. maybe something from spindle but my image of ens uniform is very much based on someones art of a male homura so if i was specific about what it looked like, that would be stealing someones ideas, but if not, it wouldnt look right to me ???? i wouldnt care if the fanart was free but if i was commissioning i would want to have more say in what i got ;;

so um. not spindle. possibly a scene from the merman au, with merman en and merman kinshirou saving unconscious human prince atsushi from the shipwreck and bickering the whole time lmaooo “this is the worst idea youve ever had en” “you say that all the time” “each idea is worse than the last!!” “you can always go back home” “ugh ugh ugh just keep moving” meanwhile atsushi dazedly thinks he hears beautiful voices but they sound really annoyed with each other which is not quite in keeping with stories hes heard of sirens but then he passes out again

…….. yeah thatd be the basis for my commission. that scene

39. What is you greatest strength as a writer?

fuck idk. um. …i want to say dialogue but i feel like sometimes people in my fics talk for too long because i like writing it too much LMAO and i want to say angsty introspection but i have the same problem there. maybe i just think im best at those things bc theyre the things that come easiest to me?? and i think my characterization tends to be solid but everyone thinks that, right… no one writes poor characterization on purpose, do they… unless they have some other reason i guess. this question is smth for my readers to answer for themselves!!!! bc i dont know

46. If someone was to read one of your fanfics, which fic would you recommend to them and why?

well i mean .. it would depend on who was asking. i dont really know how to answer this bc i dont know this hypothetical someones likes and dislikes??? if it was an enkin shipper who liked pain, path to the stars. if it was an enatsu shipper who didnt want sad things in boueibu (im looking at u nicole), illuminations. if it was someone who would read any pairing but didnt have lots of time to read, i would edit i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) as ive been meaning to do and then tell them to read that. and so on. i really dont mean this as an evasive answer ;aljksdf but um if someone said “i like all pairings! i like all genres! i have plenty of time! i dont mind WIPs!” then i would rec veil or spindle bc im proudest of them and i think theyre good and i want more readers for my plotty multichaptered stuff

50. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction?

honestly …. i have no idea how i got into reading fanfiction. literally no idea. i guess i was just poking around the internet as an 11yo and randomly found some and thought it was cool

and i guess writing was a natural extension of reading? ive been writing since before i could physically write. i would make up poems in the car as a smol smol child. i have no memories of this but my parents do bc they were like “wtf” and yeah anyway it continued from there although i like to think im better now than i was when i was like 8. and like. my first fanfiction was really bad. it was really bad yall. but i got what i now realize were the kindest, most encouraging reviews (on ff.net. i still have a hard time remembering that ao3 has “comments” and not “reviews” asdjkf) the same way my parents and teachers encouraged my often very awful writing over the years so !!! my confidence in my writing is fragile but i have confidence sometimes and its bc ppl were so nice to me when i was awful and that gave me a chance to become less awful. but that doesnt have much to do with the question im just really grateful whenever i think about it. i got into writing fanfiction bc i was already a writer basically

51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go!

answered