#i do like this job but im frustrated with my boss rn

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[argetcross]

Hades 2 Session 3 Notes (putting under a cut now because it's getting deeper! For context I got to the third biome boss):

- first off, the joy at defeating Scylla. I feel like I only got to enjoy her song the first time because I got good at killing the instrumentalists but also... the battle was super hard the first three times.

- I like that they are a kind of old school SGG level design, reminds me a lot of Bastion and Transistor. Zag gets to beat up a wrestler, Melinoe is out here punching pop stars. Love to see it.

- I also unlocked the hot springs. And... well....

- so yeah. I mean do I want to join the legions who are madly in love with Odysseus the trickster? ... no. But am I compelled against my will? Of course, it's fucking stupid Odysseus. Of course he's bathed with some goddesses in his time. [Gnawing biting chewing]

- Moros continues to amuse me. Still waiting to see if I feel anything for him.

- NEMESIS. I LOVE HER EVENTS! "Let me punch you." "Let you punch me". My god. A perfect relationship. I'm obsessed, I want to see her all the time and the fact I can't gift her fast enough or like they fight and I love my chance to give nectar is hilarious to me and also sad.

- Chaos got turned into a vtuber and I'm unfortunately into how hot they are. I'm sorry... I am basic and like white hair and ponytails and suits and weird little fetuses 🫠

- I feel like Hecate knows more and isn't telling us stuff. I've gotten to a point in the gameplay where I'm either dying against her which is frustrating or dying in the third biome which is hard. So the gameplay loops feel a little funky.

- Hestia and Hephaestus. I just. I love Hephaestus' design. He's the hottest god easy.

- they've done a good job in that every run has some special event going on now, which makes it exciting. That being said, I'm kind of totally lost on how to optimize builds (don't give me advice, I wanna learn myself) but im definitely kind of all over the place gameplay-wise rn

- the third biome is depressing but honestly one of my favorite so far. The way the spatial design is opened up is so good and I hope thye add more ruined buildings or weird little quirks in the fields as we go.

[boyfeminism]

our ovens are getting replaced at work so we arent able to do any baking tomorrow and today was like. weirdly insanely busy in terms of cookie sales?? so all the excess i made yesterday are like. gone lmao. so i speed baked off another 3 trays of choccy chip down to the fucking Wire of when they were disconnecting our current ovens.

and my fucking boss. motherfucker. after bitching and bitching that we need more cookies on display. came to the back and clasped his hands together in that fucking irritating way he does and is like "i have a meeting, do we have any jumbo cookies?"

and i was already pissed bc id had to deal TWICE with ppl being like maaaaac we neeeeed more choccy cookies ))))): even tho we have LOADS of other kinds that NEED to sell and they WONT if you have choccy chip bc truly if ppl want a cookie bad enough theyll get another flavor and i need those fucking cookies out of my freezer!!!

and Moments before fuck ass boss came to the bake area someone soooo kindly let me know they needed croutons when they had all day to tell me that and our ovens were only going to be available for 30 minutes and i still hadnt taken lunch

and i was just so mad and wasnt thinking about being polite to my boss and said "i really wish you didnt need this on the days that im not going to be able to bake anything" (lightly paraphrasing but only bc i dont remember the way i worded the first part bc i was frustrated, it was snippy and frazzled) and basically told him no bc what we have rn is all we have until the new ovens are in and if he wants cookies he can use the prebaked giant ones we got like a month ago that never got used. so he took two of them and left.

and like. certainly not my most professional. but these people are also spineless and shitty and hes Not likely to say anything to me at all and you know what even if he does i hate this fucking job so much its really hard to care about it.

and like its so frustrating that whenever they need cookies for some fucking meeting or bc they need to bribe it or smthn its On Me to make sure it happens like i dont have a job to do, like they arent always on my ass about needing more cookies even tho no one will get me an actual par number bc no one will put things in the system correctly so they can actually track sales. and im tired!!!!

[tragically-broken]

ventinggg

honestly, I'm just irritated with my gf and need somewhere to put this so here I go. sometimes she goes out of the country and when this happens there is a 24hr time difference which makes communicating really hard. surprisingly this time wasn't as bad as others have been but ever since the trip we've been out of sync. she often goes through these bouts of depression periods where she sleeps all day and I mean that literally. like she will actually literally be asleep for more than 24hrs. she's going through one of these periods rn and I thought tonight we would finally get to talk and catch up but we only chatted for like 30 min and then she decided not to eat dinner and just go to sleep instead. i don't want to make her feel bad about this bc lord knows that will prob just make her depression worse but also how is this fair to me? shes applying for jobs rn which I think is really contributing to the issue for sure. a few months ago she got fired which was secretly such a blessing bc that job was making her miserable and her boss was a nightmare. for about 4ish months she was doing the depression sleeping SO much and everyday she would tell me how miserable she was which as someone who loves her is really hard to hear. i kept gently nudging her to quit but it never took but she got fired thank god. anyway all this to say is that ever since then she's been sooooooo much better! She's not telling me she wants to off herself all the time and she wasn't sleeping nearly as much. however now that she's getting a full-time job again I fear this is going to happen again. I can already feel the emotional distance, her misery, and how much she's sleeping and skipping meals. i truly can't live this way and that scares me bc I love her so much and can't imagine life without her. and maybe most people would say just talk to her but how am I supposed to have this conversation without making her situation/depression even worse? but then at the same time, what am I just never gonna say anything ever? i don't really know what to do. then there are the everyday issues that are really starting to annoy me such as her being in NY during the winter yet refusing to wear a sweater or turn the heat on despite the fact that she's terribly cold! she hates sweaters for whatever reason and she won't turn the heat on bc of "money". btw she's not in a poor demographic to where she would actually have to worry about this but she grew up poor. i get old habits die hard but it's like stop constantly telling me how miserable you are when the solution is so simple you just refuse to do it!!!!!!!!!!!! i will never understand. now that I've gotten all this out I feel a bit better. i prob just need to chill. i know relationships ebb and flow and things will most likely get back to being okay again and eventually good again. i think im just feeling neglected. like maybe I have needs!!!! maybe I need to feel connected and spend time with my gf when shes not miserable!!! imagine that!!! uhhhg! i feel kinda mean but also valid in what I'm saying. i can love her and be frustrated with her at the same time. im just tired and want to be happy and id like her to be part of that happiness.

[jinxedlucky]

I want to give a shoutout to my boss who, when I said I can follow the timetable she wants us to follow so damn bad or spend 45 minutes peeling apples but not both, told me "well you can do both, it's important that they're having an experience"

[gardenhotspot]

im evil again

[simisaint]

I apologise and I hope you'll forgive me for using your simblr askbox for this but i just read your rants on your writing blog and I had to drop by. You can ignore this ask if it oversteps boundaries. I hope people can see n understand that writing fics is not your source of income and respect the fact that your office job is what gets your bills paid. I dont think they've got any right to say "leave the company" type-thing to you when they dont know the whole story, it's just unecessary advice-

I really hope people, instead of screaming at you to update SY with their pitchforks in the air, wait patiently for the update (WHENEVER u decide to do so) and at least empathise with your situation as working people/corporate slaves themselves. Im sure most of us are the same so I dont understand why some have the nerve to act entitled on the internet? I mean i get it that the story might be something they were looking forward to but god, its not just them who have lives separate of tumblr. (2)

I'm now ranting, I'm sorry but seeing you apologise for not updating SY when you already said you've put the series on hiatus till 19th May didnt sit well with me. I didnt think you needed to apologise when you've said time and time again that your promotion has left you with very little free time on your hands. Doesn't that clearly mean that you wont be able to update your fics as quick and frequent as SN got updated cause you literally don't have free time? Shouldn't people respect that? (3)

And shouldn't they respect the fact that free time doesn't always mean that you're gonna spend it all on writing SY?? Like, fuck i'm so fucking mad rn. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with entitled readers too who think that all your free time should be devoted to writing fics only. You genuinely sound so fucking stressed, frustrated and thoroughly overworked in your posts, Saint and I hope people fucking open their eyes to see it instead of being Seras and seeing only their woes. (4)

I do hope and pray you get your break and rest first cause i know you've got your personal reasons for putting yourself through this whole overworking ordeal and i'm no one to tell you what to do or not. I can just hope for your good mental and physical health and for your boss to not ask you to cover full shifts last minute when you've already worked full time for yours the entire week. Again, before I forget, PLEASE, update SY at YOUR pace. (5)

I've been locked in ever since u posted SN1 so im not leavin til' I get SY15 (OH WAIT, ill have to get off the roller coaster if u ever discontinue it, which is totally fine too! pls dont take that as me pushing u to finish sy T-T im sorry) Take your time with it. You're already risking your health over your job rn and u dont need to do that with writing- something that's your escape. ANYWAY, ive talked bs for way too long and i apologise if this all isn't coherent and for repetitive ask-ings. 6

it’s okkk and thank u, i appreciate u sm :’( i’m sorry you had to see me freaking out earlier. i’m truly just fed up and exhausted with my life outside of this web space. i only apologized for not being able to post frequent updates bc i want readers to understand that i’m not abandoning sy by choice. in fact, i get very veryyy sad that i can’t find the time to write it. i feel bad that i can’t even have proper conversations with my moots here and they prob think i’m ignoring them 😭 i also just came across this post where two of my readers are having an exchange abt how sy has slow updates and it’s making them lose interest and i was kinda hurt but i understand tbh sddjfjsjs but YOU, ILY AND I HOPE YOU’RE HAVING A WONDERFUL DAY. tysm for dropping by and for understanding my situation (ik i sound dramatic but aaaaaaa)

i’ll open anon on main so u can reach out there too <33

[yikesharringrove]

maybe? 👉👈 steve taking a really long time with college (like on one year and off one yours year, on, off, on, off) and he still doesn't really know what he wants to do and he gets really frustrated bc billy just did college all in one go and steve is taking forever and he feels down on himself? idk im feeling the whump rn???

Steve had left high school having no idea what he wanted from the rest of his life.

That’s not true, he had some idea.

He knew he wanted to leave Hawkins, follow Billy wherever he was going. He knew he wanted to be with Billy for the rest of his life, he knew he wanted to leave the past behind and make new friends, people who were kind, and fun, and didn’t bat an eye when Billy pulled him into his lap.

But that’s about it.

So when Billy graduates high school, and gets a full ride to UC Berkeley, and they move into a cheap apartment in downtown Oakland, Steve is so happy that he got out.

He gets a job waiting tables at a restaurant down the street, pays half the rent and buys the groceries while Billy’s in class.

But then two years pass, and Billy’s soaring through college, working to his degrees, plural, because he just couldn’t decide between studying English Literature or Biology with a focus in research.

So he’s majoring in both and getting a minor in Italian because then I’ll know what you’re sayin’ when you start horny babblin’.

And Steve was at the same restaurant.

True, he was assistant manager now, and it came with a pretty okay raise, and he even gets dental insurance, but he feels so stuck.

So he enrolls in community college.

He starts with some general classes, still completely unsure of what he wants to study.

Billy said it was okay to just rule out things you don’t want to study, to nearly fail a math course and know that accounting is not for you.

So when Steve finishes his first year, he at least knows what he doesn’t want to pursue.

Meanwhile Billy has an internship at a lab through Kaiser Permanente. And he can read and write Italian than Steve can.

Steve is walking home from his job at the restaurant when it happens. He’s crossing the street, and gets hit by a car.

He’s taken to the hospital, where he’s informed of a fractured spine and another concussion.

He’s told his injury could’ve been much more severe, that he will not experience paralysis, but he needs physical therapy and walking will be difficult for a while.

Their finances take a big hit.

Billy’s internship doesn’t pay super well, and with Steve being unable to work for the foreseeable future, he’s fired.

Billy has insurance through the school, but because on paper, he and Steve have no real relation, Steve’s medical bills come out of pocket.

So Steve is bedridden for months. He can’t work or get groceries, or do fucking anything but lay there.

They can’t afford physical therapy.

But Billy has a friend studying to be a PT, and she comes over every Saturday, and practices her technique on him in exchange for ten bucks and a few beers.

And so the money Steve tucked away for school is rapidly diminishing.

By the time Billy graduates, Steve is a year into recovery. He still gets dizzy at odd intervals, and his back gets stiff when it rains, but Billy gets a job right away, doing research on flu vaccines.

And Steve goes back to work.

He gets a desk job, something he won’t have to be on his feet all day for. He works reception for a message therapist, which comes with free massages, which work wonders on his back.

So in the fall, he decides to give his education another shot.

He learns that history is not for him, and that his nutrition course was fine until they began looking into how the body processes nutrients, and he was fucking lost. He takes a few business classes, thinking, hoping genetics would take over and this is something he could do.

But his dad was right to take away the job opportunity at his own firm. Steve was not cut out for this.

After a year of research, Billy is promoted three times. He ends up working on some extremely important study that Steve does not understand for the fucking life of him.

But he sits and listens every time Billy explains what he did that day, even though Steve gets so sad when Billy mentions having to kill the lab mice to study their bodies.

So Steve is two years into community college, five years into living in Oakland with Billy, and he still is lost.

He takes a semester off, working more hours, trying to save up some money.

Because Billy is beginning to think about grad school, and that shit’s not cheap.

But Billy decides to postpone that, work for a few more years, and besides, he’s caught between studying something to put him in a research field, or just straight up going to medical school to study infectious disease.

Because Billy could. He’s smart enough for medical school, smart enough to research and be a doctor.

And Steve has a smushy spine and half a degree in nothing.

A semester off turns into a year.

A year and a semester.

Two years.

They’ve been in California for seven years, and Billy gets into grad school in San Diego. They move south and Billy spends late nights pursuing a Masters in Immunology.

And Steve works the front desk at a pediatrician’s office.

He’s flipping through a course catalog from the San Diego Community College when Billy comes home from his new job, the position he got after applying to only three labs.

He kissed the top of Steve’s head, moving to grab himself a beer from the fridge.

“You thinkin’ of going back?”

“I don’t know.” Steve slid the catalog closed. “Is it even worth it?”

“That’s something you have to decide.” Billy sat down, sliding the catalog towards him. Steve had crossed off the classes he had already taken, the ones he new he wouldn’t like.  “And you know, going to school isn’t the only option. You could get an apprenticeship, master a trade.”

“I can’t do anything where I need to bend over for really any length of time. So that rules out plumber, and car mechanic, and anything physical like construction, or landscaping or even general contracting is right out.”

Steve could feel the old shame, the doubt and the self hatred crawling up his spine.

“I have nothing to offer. I have no discerning skills, and in seven years I’ve only made it through two years of goddamn community college, and here you are, ripping through grad school like a fourth degree is easy.”

“Stevie, you’ve got a lot to offer. We just gotta find something that suits you.” He took Steve’s pen, turning to the back page of the catalog. “Okay, we’re gonna write down all of you strengths, and think of career paths that could fit those. I’ll go first, you’re extremely caring. You’d be good at any career where you care for people.”

“But I can’t study nursing or something, I barely understood my biology 101 course. Plus, nurses are strong. I can’t lift more than like, thirty pounds.”

“There’re way more caring fields than nursing, Pretty Boy. Although I would love if you were my nurse.” Billy smirked at him, leaning in to plant a sloppy kiss to Steve’s cheek as he rolled his eyes. “Another strength: your emotional intelligence is through the fucking roof.” He wrote it down. “Okay, I’ve said tow, so you say one.”

“Um, I think that I’m good at making people laugh?”

“Yes! You are. Perfect.” Billy scribbled it down. “You’re a good leader.”

“I’m pretty good at reading people.” Billy wrote Intuitive, can smell a douchebag from a mile away.

“You’re good under pressure.”

“Sometimes.”

“Every time I’ve seen. You’re good at keeping calm and keeping others calm.”

“I guess.”

“Nah, Stevie. Positives only. Say a strength.”

“I’m, uh, I’m good at, bilingual?” Billy stared at him. “Like, I’m bilingual.”

“Are you sure? I don’t think that was English, even.” Steve slapped his chest, Billy laughed. “I’m joking. You are bilingual. You’re also really good at making others feel safe.”

“I was always pretty alright at public speaking.”

“You’ve got a great eye for detail.”

“I’m good at teamwork, and delegating.”

“You’re really compassionate, too.” Billy drew a line under the strengths side. “Okay, so now we’ve got some of your strengths, think about what you’d want in a job, and we can match everything up and think about some careers that could fit.” Steve nodded, racking his brain.

“Um, I would want to work with kind people, I would kind of like to do something, you know, worthwhile. I’d like to be in charge of something. Like it’s fine if I have a boss to answer to, but I’d like to be fairly independent.”

“I already have so many ideas.”

“Lay ‘em on me.” Steve sat back, closing his eyes to try and picture everything Billy threw out.

“I’ve actually always thought you’d be a really good teacher. Especially if you did like, kindergarten. Just got to be around little kids all day.” Steve could actually see it. “I also think you’d be a could social worker, like to work with Child Protective Services, or something. Um, you’d be good at even planning. Or I think you’d be really good working at a nonprofit of some kind. Maybe you could be the event planner for a nonprofit.”

And Steve was sitting there, and suddenly, he had four career paths, just sitting right in front of him. Four super attainable career paths.

“Wait, wait those make sense.” Billy beamed at him.

“Yeah, that’s because I know you, Pretty Boy.” Billy opened the catalog. “So, I think if you choose to enroll, you should pick a few classes, like, Intro to Social Work, Early Childhood Education 100, and maybe like, Sociology, and see from there.”

Steve stared at the course descriptions for what Billy circled.

“Thank you for helping me. I’m sorry this has taken me so long.”

“It’s okay. Everyone is on a different timeline. And it’s not like you got to explore options in high school. You were told business until your dad decided that nevermind. So it’s understandable that this took you a minute. Plus, you went through hell with your back.”

Steve sat up straight, stretching out his back.

“But, I mean, the back thing kinda happened to you too, and you still made it through all your schooling.”

“Sure, I watched you go through it, but I was not in the pain you were. And like, emotionally, it fucking sucked to watch the love of my goddamn life go through something, and I couldn’t even afford therapy. Like, I felt so helpless, but that’s nothing to what you went through literally experiencing it.” Steve took Billy’s hand, linking their fingers together, pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

“You did the best you could. Everything was shit for like, that whole year.”

“I cannot telly you how many times I would go into an individual study room in the library and just like, sob for a while.And then I’d get so mad at myself, thinking of you at home, hurting and not even able to get yourself out of bed, and I’d race home feeling like shit.”

Steve scrubbed his fingers through Billy’s hair. He had cut it a while ago, kept it short these days.

“You were doing everything you could for me. I would just sit in bed all day, and think about how amazing you are. Like I would just think about all the good times we’ve had together, and how much I love you.”

“That explains why we didn’t fight for like, that whole year.” Steve laughed. Billy leaned to kiss him softly.

“And you know, even now we’ve done this, there’s still no rush on you. You don’t have to go back to school this year, of this decade, or anytime until you’re ready. Until you want to.”

“Well now, I feel like there’s a fucking light at the end of the tunnel. I’m almost, excited. Is this how you feel? Excited to go to school?”

“Welcome to the nerd life, Sweet Thing.” Billy drained the last of his beer. “You wanna go out tonight? Celebrate?”

“Like, go out to dinner, or go out?”

“Oh, just like dinner. Be home by eight thirty, in bed by nine, missionary with the lights off, and asleep by nine fifteen.”

“Sign me the fuck up.”

[eatprayjop]

.

[gayregis]

im at that stage of fatigue from the day where i’m so tired the fanfiction is writing itself in my mind theough dialogue but i’m too insanely tired to sit down and write it all out and i work a shift in the morning too so i dont even have time ... so ill forget everything come morning

[[MORE]]

psych, ima try to outline it rn

this is after a little sacrifice and also after season of storms and takes place in cidaris (im not clear on if kerack is the capital so season of storms dealt with the proper king of cidaris or if it was just a local kingship but im hcing that cidaris is also a capital city as well as the region/nation).

this is geralt and dandelion going to the grape festival mentioned in a little sacrifice btw

main goal for this is to basically give dandelion more depth and address his identity issues and backstory and just how his character is in general

valdo marx (as far as i am headcanoning in terms of appearance right now) is of course , also a twink and they have similar builds but valdo isnt as skinny as dandelion because he has access to three full meals every day. he has dark brown hair and green eyes, and i might give him the same hair and beard as dandelion from tw3 just to spite cdpr. he used to sport green/purple doublets as an independent artist, but now as the reaident troubadour of cidaris, he’s adopted their emblatic colors (blue and white) and wears a doublet with a sash of these colors. he doesn’t have poofy sleeves, instead he has these ruffs and like... bellbottom sleeves. also this method of embellishing clothes that i learned from a glamour video (it’s @ 4:30ish) called slashing is applicable to his outfits. i think he veers away from tights unlike dandelion, so he wears more breeches than anything. he doesn’t have detailed embroidery like dandelion, but rather patterned/quilted areas with silver and some small pearls added for decoration in these sections as well.

so geralt and valdo have to be placed together somehow in a conversation. basically he wants to #expose dandelion for being a fraud... but he’s not doing it out of Pure Evil, he’s (vaguely) kind of like the lodge of sorceresses in which it’s like, he is only wanting things to be done his way because really he thinks it’s the best way to do things. he’s really a victim of academia, he would be someone that supports the fact that instruments are like $1,000 each.

basically he and dandelion were classmates at oxenfurt and at first hit it off very well and shared notes and thoughts and sexual partners and all was splendid. but they got competitive and valdo HATES that dandelion does NOT come from a family known for music or any kind of art. basically dandelion is a novus homo, but in the world of music, and valdo comes from an established family which has been musically inclined for generations. he feels that ppl like dandelion just wanna go to oxenfurt for shits and giggles and dont take this opportunity seriously because theyre too blinded by their own arrogance to actually learn anything. and he may be right in regards to a lot of other children of wealthy noble families that attend oxenfurt. but dandelion’s case was different and this he does not like to admit. also he hates how dandelion is... inclined to... a life of debauchery... because he feels he perpetuates stereotypes of artists being good for nothing penniless drunkards and lechers, and makes it harder for Real Professionals from Actual Lineage to get a job. also he has a disdain for how dandelion really wanted to travel and admired the “musicians of the world” that never attended some fancy college, and again valdo sees this as him not appreciating the opportunity he was given, because all you ever need to interact with is this little 1 mile by 1 mile square of oxenfurt, and not even the whole city, just the college. also when valdo tells all this to geralt he goes give him a judgemental up and down look like... “julian loves meeting, writing about, and... ahem... fraternizing with... all kinds of ... people.” (he was gonna say “trash,” but geralt has swords and cats eyes, so valdo swallowed that last word). ALSO ALSO valdo thinks dandelion is further destroying the sanctity of academic places like oxenfurt by training good for nothings from other nobody families, like essi daven, who was actually from a noble family but one not too rich because it was kind of distant from the ruling family. and since she threw a fit they let her do her own thing instead of marrying her off.

also valdo is like “julian— ahem, ... ‘dandelion,’ as you know him... i don’t know why he uses that absurd little nickname,” because he just finds the idea of a pseudonym stupid (since hes from a famous musical family of course he wants to highlight his lineage). and again he dislikes how dandelion is Corrupting Others by not only mentoring essi at oxenfurt, but training her in an “unorthodox fashion,” ie they just duet and talk shit about random stuff and he advises her weird things like “get a cool fake name so all the girls have something to scream as you go on stage”

as they interact with each other, valdo and dandelion actually are kind of opposite of dandelion and essi. they dont throw ANY snide remarks and keep it all under wraps with just pleased smiles and then as soon as theyre out of earshot (a long way for bards) theyre like “i am going to take the replacement strings of my lute and choke the lights out of that tone-deaf idiot” ... geralt is like 😳 to see aggression in dandelion and hes a bit intimidated at first but then is like Bro Are you Fucking Okay ????? Because its so unnatural for dandelion to be Actually Upset about something and not be ok within half a day

scene where dandelion is staring at the mirror and geralt is like you have been staring at the mirror for a long time, even by your standards... dandelion is like “i have to change something... geralt, look at me. look at me. (says it again bc geralt didnt look up the first time). if you could change one thing about my face, what would it be?” and geralts obviously like “nothing.” and dandelions like dont be fucking difficult just tell me i need to know i need your opinion and geralt is like that IS my opinion i sincerely like your face the way it is. something something blah blah blah tenderness geralt says smth like dandelion you have a lot of loyal fans okay...... and hes trying to refer to himself but he doesnt wanna say it aloud

i think something about dandelion talking about who he was (basically referring to “julian” in the 3rd person) and just very uncharacteristically self-loathing but them he pops back into his little arrogant self ... basically he covers that everyone Fucking Laughed at him for wanting to sing but he did it and now he’s the best and also, sexy. in this whole scene (same scene as last bullet point) he is also saying that he needs to “prove himself” and geralt is just like What More Can You Do, You Are Literally Famous... but dandelion is just pensive about it

also he says something like “theres two versions of me... julian with a dream who nobody knows, and dandelion who’s famous and loved.” and geralts like “theres three.” “three?” “there’s also dandelion, the one i know, who, it doesn’t matter if he’s famous or what, because i just like him and enjoy his company.” BECAUSE i dont know how not to be blunt and not hit my readers over the head with what i wanted to get across. geralt is a blunt man however so i think its acceptable to do this

basically this fic is “dandelion can have little a OOCness for character development”

tbh its not too ooc (hopefully) bc hes not like downright depressed, hes just pensive, like he is when hes trying to think of a good title or rhymes and nothing is working. nothing is working! hes frustrated!!!

i have nooooo idea how to resolve this conflict ive introduced. i think valdo and dandelion have to sing a duet together and it is like skating on thin ice with sharks underneath . MAYBE valdo gets possessed by,, something? not a demon bc IVE HAD ENOUGH GOETIA AFTER SEASON OF STORMS but you know An Entity, and dandelion is like wow this is an improvement!! and geralts like no it isnt, now i have to exorcise this fucker

also throughout this i think that the king and queen of cidaris (maintaining that kerack isnt the capital and is just another kingship within the nation) looooveveeveveeee dandelion and his presence and are like oh dandelion you are always welcome in our court :) which also totally pisses valdo off because its like dandelion came into his work/home and fucked both of his bosses and is trying to steal their loyalty through Sexual Appeal. which. may ring true. but dandelion does stuff for fun and not for manipulation soooo valdo is a little wrong in thinking dandelion is manipulating them. and this also adds to valdos resentment of dandelion for being so promiscuous and also writing about his love affairs bc he feels it detracts from The Art...

basically this fic is also me telling academia and ppl who feel art should be limited to a certain crowd to go stuff it cause no one cares and creativity and learning is only human of anyone. also an excuse to give dandelion character depth and also an excuse to break how geralt is always the gloomy one and dandelion has to cheer him up, i think though they do have their strong personalities, relationships should ideally go both ways in terms of emotional support so it shows geralt has the capacity to support a dandelion with festering anger and personal identity problems. also a way for geralt to learn a little abt dandelions backstory without learning/spoiling the fact that hes a v*scount and actually noble and wealthy (they just refer to his family as being wealthy enough to pay for oxenfurt which is significant but not astounding)

[jiminshoney]

Where You Belong (Part 3)

Word Count: 10,773

Warnings: language, cheating, brief mentions of black mirror’s black museum episode (spoiler ig if you haven't seen it?), a cliffhanger, and angst but you knew that

[ tumblrs a jack*ss and links are broken, pls check my blog to catch up on the first three parts ]

Your body betrays you by waking you up agonizingly early, before your alarm has rung and before the sun has even had a chance to rise. The glaring numbers on your phone reveal that it’s barely 5 AM. You groan into the cushions beneath you, frustrated because you have to be at work in three hours and you were just robbed of a potentially meaningful last hour of sleep.

Opening a single eye to look back at the device’s bright screen, you can’t ignore the top notifications which continue to blink and beg for your attention. 15 missed calls and a somewhat impressive 28 unread texts all from Jungkook. It’s more than he sent in the month alone.

Your first thought is to ignore them, you want to ignore him, it’s too early to even think about processing what he has to say or replaying last night’s events. A sharp pain spreads through your chest, stretching until it meets your rib cage where there lies an almost forgotten void. There’s always those few seconds the morning after something terrible has happened, a moment of ignorant bliss, until your mind and heart remember and everything hurts again. The ache reminds you why last night went the way it did.

You don’t know that you can handle whatever he has to say, though you are curious...

Curious if someone who’s still in love and terrified of losing their girlfriend sends 28 texts and calls 15 times. Is that what it meant? Was he scared, desperate, remorseful? Or did he only offer a pathetic apology in twenty-something streams of the word sorry?

Driven by curiosity, you press a thumb to unlock your phone and open all the unread messages from last night.

From: jungkook♥ [5:19 PM]

Y/N

Can we please talk about this?

can you jus t come back please??

From: jungkook♥ [5:21 PM]

hello?

Y/N please answer

From: jungkook♥ [5:22 PM]

please pplease please

From: jungkook♥ [5:27 PM]

Where did you go

????

Im outside just tell me where you are

From: jungkook♥ [5:30 PM]

If not can tou answer?

Please answer the phone

From: jungkook♥ [5:32 PM]

fuck

Hello? Where did you go

Tell me where you are

From: jungkook♥ [5:33 PM]

Its fine if you decide to hate me for the rest of your life btu let me talk to yo about this first

Just give me a chance to explain everything

I mean there is no excuse but i wanna talk about this

From: jungkook♥ [5:35 PM]

pick up!!

From: jungkook♥ [5:37 PM]

I am begging you rn justsay something

Im outside, Please?

From: jungkook♥ [5:40 PM]

If its too soon i get it just  let me see you for a second

If its too soon just tell me

but atleast tell m where you are?

From: jungkook♥ [5:45 PM]

Do you want the apartment? I’ll leave nd get a hotel

From: jungkook♥ [5:50 PM]

???

ffs just let me know you’re safe ok?

Please thats it

From: jungkook♥ [9:36 PM]

I love you y/n. Whenever you see this, you don’t have to call me back jus let me know that you’re somewhere safe alright?

  “You love me? Right.” After a click of your tongue you chuck the phone back onto the table. Out of sight, out of mind, you think with a throw of the blanket over your head.

His messages didn’t offer any relief, all they’ve done is overwhelm and mildly irritate you because he acts as if you at least owe him the status of your location and quite frankly- you don’t owe him shit.

How dare he act worried about you and have the nerve to type out that disingenuous four-letter word like- I know you just found out my coworker sucked my dick but goodnight, love you. The audacity! Why should you have to tell him where you ran off to when he cheated on you and hid it for a week? Oh so well, as one may add, because there hadn’t been a sliver of suspicion. Had Taehyung not even been a factor, would he have ever told you? It’s unlikely and no one will ever know. It’s possible that he may have after much much time had passed, so maybe you’ll possibly tell him that you are in the safe confines of someone-who-actually-loves-you’s home… after much much time, of course.

All of this quickly reminds you that you don’t have any of your things. Your hygiene products, clean work clothes, fresh underwear, makeup, etc. You didn’t even have your purse after abruptly leaving your apartment.

A frustrated groan escapes you because now you must figure out how you’ll properly get ready for work the way you normally do. The last thing you wanted was to go back and run into Jungkook. Some days he left bright and early at 5:30 AM and you can take your chances and hope it’s one of those mornings, but it could just as likely be a day he’s decided to sleep in until 8. His app is finished so he shouldn’t have any standing reason to go in early, if not for the fact that he missed nearly a week of work, so he may. The odds were 50/50, it’s better to not risk it.

There’s also the option to call out of work, to stay in and sulk until an hour that he absolutely couldn’t be home, pack all your things and run away to a small town where nobody knows you until things get better. While tempting, you’re realistic and know that you cannot just uproot your life because you’re sad. The mere thought of having to go out and put on a brave face in front of the world today while you felt broken inside was tiring in itself, but sulking seemed exhausting. It wouldn’t make you feel any better, so you might as well go on like it’s any other work day. You could just shower here, pull your hair in a bun, stop at a Target for clothes and other necessities on the way and everything would be fine. At least you’d be able to busy your mind with something other than the fact the love of your life shit on a three year relationship for another woman no less.

-----

Around 9 AM, your work phone rings loudly against the desk. It sends your heart racing into a frenzy because the only person who ever called was your boss, and she only called for impromptu staff meetings or more specifically- to fire someone.

“Y/N~” To your surprise, the lobby receptionist’s voice sings at your pickup.

“Hyerin, good morning!” You smile, thankful that you aren’t losing your job too.

“You have a guest down here waiting for you.”

“What..?”

Your poor heart doesn’t get a chance to relax, there was only person who came to visit you at work. A person who shouldn't be visiting you right now.

“Mhmm! He brought you coffee~!”

“He?” Your jaw clenches, there could be no way. Jungkook could not be ridiculous enough to show up to your job first thing in the morning. He specifically said he understood if it was too soon for you! Why is he doing this?  “I-- tell him I’m not in today!”

“He would know I’m lying!” Her hushed voice scratches against the receiver, tickling your eardrums uncomfortably.

“Then tell him I’m busy.”

“But he’s being so patient,” She says, her once melodious voice becoming sympathetic. “Shall I have him wait a few minutes?”

“Just tell him I don’t wanna see him, okay?”

“Oh but Y/N! I said he brought you coffee! Don’t be impolite and just come down, okay?”

Her end briefly goes silent before the endless dial tone beeps to indicate she’s hung up before you could utter another excuse. You mentally curse her because her greatest quality is that she’s the kindest person on earth, but her worst quality is that she’s the kindest person on earth and can’t tell unwanted guests to go away. In her defense, she doesn’t know that your boyfriend has been unloyal and you have a very valid reason for not wanting to see him.

On the way downstairs you are fully prepared to pour coffee over Jungkook’s head and curse him out for showing up to your place of work uninvited under the current circumstances. It’s disrespectful and he’s crossing a line by being here, you couldn’t wait to send him on his way. He couldn’t force you to talk if you didn’t want to. Though, that reaction would surely cause a scene. You will instead kindly let him know he’s being unprofessional and ask him to leave.

You practice the words again and again, it’s a must in order to not break the moment you face him. After all, the last time you saw him you were a bawling mess with mascara smearing on your fingertips and telling him you hated him while feeling like you might pass out. You couldn’t be the weak one this time.

Walking down the hall from the elevator your heart is still racing but you feel a sense of confidence even if it’s mild and fake, you’re just ready to get it over with. He’s leaning up against the front desk, distracted in a conversation with Hyerin as you approach. Heart thumping, the back of his head becomes clearer, strands of ash brown hair…

Your feet freeze against the marble flooring, “Taehyung?”

He swiftly turns at the sound of your voice, shoulders visibly relaxing when his eyes land on you. “Hey!” He pauses to turn, grabbing two concealed drinks off the edge of the reception desk, and closing the gap as he walks to you. “You left without saying anything.”

You should feel relieved but your mind and body hadn’t aligned, heart still shaken up over thinking he would be someone else. “Y-yea… I’m sorry. I left you a note, it was really early.”

“Oh! My fault, I didn’t see it. I came to make sure you’re okay.” He quirks a brow, letting you know his statement is indeed a question.

Not well given everything that’s happened, but that’s obvious. It wasn’t lunch time yet so it was possible in a few hours you’d be ready to slam your head into a wall but you’ve survived so far.

“I’m fine, Tae.”

His lips fall to an exaggerated frown, he is unconvinced and unimpressed by your attempt to not even sound dry. “How are you really, Y/N?”

You sigh, he would not be Taehyung if he didn’t at least try to get more from you. “Well… I’ve already cried once at my cubicle, I’m wearing $3 concealer that does nothing for the bags under my eyes, I have a minor headache and I just nearly had a heart attack because I thought you were Jungkook but other than that I’m okay, really.”

“You cried?”

You open your mouth to speak but get caught on an answer. Maybe you shouldn’t have slipped that part out not only because it’s embarrassing but now he’d just worry more than you knew he was. But it’s too late and the confession was made.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

A month or so after Jungkook you’d also gotten a job, specifically the one you had now. Like Jungkook it wasn’t at all what you wanted to do. The first few weeks after graduating were hard, all of the places you really wanted to work just weren’t calling back or would immediately send the dreaded thanks but no thanks email. Your mom had forced you to stop being so nit picky and apply wherever you could, passively sending you links to job openings she would spot online herself. Eventually you scored a job in the corporate world- lucky enough to make a decent amount of money, get home early, and not work weekends. Not so fortunately, you were stuck in some boring entry-level position in a finance department. It was the last thing on earth you wanted to be doing but you’d felt obligated to take it because up until that point your parents were helping with rent and other money related responsibilities.

The only person who really knew how you felt back then was Jungkook. At first you claimed it was different, like you’d said to him then, at least he was doing something related to his dream career. But no, really, he got it. He understood the fear you had of not being able to move away from this, the weight of life’s responsibilities, the overwhelming desire to just do what the hell you were passionate about, he knew it all too well.

On your first day of work he printed one of the hundred-something selfies you two had taken on graduation day and bought a frame for you to prop on your desk. He’d told you not to peak and to assemble it once you got to work, obviously you didn’t and couldn’t resist temptation, and the surprise was a short note he wrote on the back.

Baby, Congrats !!!

I know you’re not excited but I will be excited for you because I’m really proud of you still. You always remind me that bad days are temporary when I complain about work, ha ha, I want to remind you that too. I know nothing is perfect right now, a lot of things suck, but you still have me. I look forward to the future because I still have you. We may not have our dream jobs but we have each other so hopefully we can live our dream life soon. Just hang in there!

I love you more than anything  - Jungkook

You couldn’t stop grinning the first time you’d read it. It was hard to find the words to say to him, hard to express your gratitude and how thankful you were you had him, you could only text him and say I love you so very much and that was enough for him.

Seeing that photo of your younger selves first thing in the morning was aggravating to say the least. You’d immediately slammed the frame down, picking at the back to take the pieces apart, intentions to tear the picture in half. But when you yanked it free from the slot and blue ink came to vision, you paused and read what he’d written less than a year ago. Tears were brimming before you realized. You didn’t have the guts to rip up the picture then, instead you shoved it in one of your drawers to be forgotten until you stumble upon it another day.

Taehyung looks at you worriedly, and it’s the same look he gave you yesterday before he turned your world upside down. A look you can now identify as the I-have-bad-news look.

“I saw Jungkook on my way here.”

“Okay?”

“He asked me if I’d heard from you.”

“Oh God... Taehyung please don’t tell me you told him I spent the night at your place.”

“I told him.”

“Why!? Why would you do that!?”

Hyerin’s only a few feet behind him, so as her head turns and her prying gaze briefly catches your eyes you glance around the two of you quickly, checking that no one else heard your brief outburst.

“I- I didn’t realize- I don’t know? I’m sorry?”

Taking a deep breath in you close your eyes to calm yourself. You don’t mean to yell at him, he hasn’t done anything wrong or gone against verbalized wishes. You know this. You’re just on edge, emotional, and you didn’t want Jungkook to know where you were.

“Is it because it’s me? You didn’t want him to know you were with me?” He asks.

“What? Taehyung, oh my God, no! It’s not about you.” You try not to raise your voice anymore, though you were sure you were probably scowling at him, annoyed with his assumptions.

“Forget I asked.” He’s good at keeping his voice level, manages to not react after you, but you can tell he’s just as annoyed with you when a muscle tenses in his jaw. “Which one do you want?”

He raises the two drinks in his hands, one’s holding a clear plastic cup with dark liquid chilled over ice, and in the other he has a large paper cup, presumably the same dark liquid but hot. It’s a harsh reminder that you’re being snappy with the wrong person. No matter how irritable you were, he didn’t deserve the back end of it. All he did was give to you, even now when you keep being rude to him.

“Tae, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay.”

“No, I’m sorry. I just got upset because… I’m not ready to talk to Jungkook and I don’t want him knowing where I am.”

“If you’re worried he’s gonna pop up on you, I don’t think it’s like that. He seemed really worried and I think he wanted to know you’re safe.”

Yeah, you think, that’s exactly what he said.

You finally take the hot coffee from his hand, finding a way to divert the conversation away from Jungkook.

“Thank you for this.”

“Of course. I have to leave soon. I’m shooting this guy for his acting portfolio. Then my friend is working a fashion shoot afterwards and invited me to help so I’m not sure when I’ll be done. I wanted to give you this.” With his free hand he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a shiny gold key. “Just got it copied.”

He smiles widely, giggling as you hesitantly take the key into your own hand. You don’t know why he’s gushing about this but it has butterflies floating in your stomach.

“Is this to your apartment?”

“Where else? I mean- this isn’t me asking you to be my roommate but... I wanted you to have somewhere to go even if I’m not home.”

“Tae! You didn’t need to go copy a whole key I- I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

-----

Taehyung’s apartment is empty when you get there after work, and while it’s not surprising because he did say he had work you still feel disappointed. Leaving work you were eager to get some alone time, but not like this.

All your coworkers actually showed up today, and being that it was the day after New Year’s, everyone wanted to talk about how great their New Year went. The universe was making a mock out of you, you were sure of it. A few of the girls priorly knew about your plans with Jungkook and had hopeful heart eyes as they asked about the cruise, and while the actual night was fine, yesterday was not something you even wanted to think about.

You’d always find a way out, excusing yourself to go make copies or apologizing because “I really need to finish writing this report.” Your sweet coworkers, they understood. Saying, “Right, I need to respond to a few emails” before running back to their own cubicles and leaving you alone. That is until a new question popped in their mind that’d have them strolling back over.

You were the only woman in your office with a standing long-term relationship, they all loved to live vicariously through you while struggling with their own love lives. You knew you’d break their hearts when you’d finally have to tell them the truth. At least for today, you omitted that bit of the story. Not only for their sake, but also for yours. It’s embarrassing to say the least.

You’re not sure yet what it says about you to be someone who got cheated on. Will people wonder what you did to push him that far? Will they pity you? Will they figure you must be a bad girlfriend and did something wrong?

Did you do something wrong?

Making your way to the kitchen you decide to scavenge Taehyung’s fridge for something to eat. Your stomach started grumbling a few hours ago after you made the silly choice of skipping lunch. Looking back, you’re not sure why you did because the persistent headache you’ve had since morning is likely due to the fact that you haven’t ate anything. Unfortunately for you and your pain his fridge is empty of anything edible, only stocked with a carton of milk, a pack of bottled water and a single bottle of wine.

“How do men survive like this?” You mutter, deciding to at least continue to hydrate your organs if you couldn’t feed them. You slump onto a chair at his small dining table thinking, Jungkook’s fridge would also look like that if it weren’t for me.

Across from you, his shiny macbook seems to wave hello, and beyond that you notice his camera bag is on the chair. If his camera is here then he can’t be at a photo shoot right now. Unless his friend told him not to bring it, then again why would you tell a photographer not to bring their camera? It’s possible he’s already been home, but you haven’t a clue where he’d be now.

The laptop shimmers in the light, begging for your attention once more, quietly reminding you about the interesting contents it holds.

“I know.” You grumble aloud. More to yourself because you are aware it’s an inanimate object that can’t actually communicate and it’s your own conscious taunting you. Yes, the pictures, I know.

The tempting voice asks if you’re even a little bit curious, if there’s a small part of you that wants to know what Taehyung saw in Jungkook that night? How he knew it before you, how he knows when he doesn’t even really know. It’s in the pictures like he’d said, and you could easily pass your fingertips over the smooth surface, you could open the lid, you could see for yourself.

But wouldn’t that be an invasion of privacy? Snooping through his laptop while he’s not even here just to see the way Jungkook interacts with some girl feels selfish and wrong. He probably has a lock on there anyway.

Oh but dear, the laptop says, he wanted you to see them after all! You could look through his camera, they might still be there. Taehyung wouldn’t mind at all! You should check!

It’s tempting, you think back, but I don’t know…

Don’t you wanna see the face of the woman who he found room in his heart for?

The words are way too personal, a blatant throw back of Jungkook’s confession. Another reminder that you definitely aren’t talking to a laptop and this is just conflicting dialogue in your own head.

Maybe there is a part of you that wants to know. It’ll probably hurt but you won’t stop wondering if you never look. Even just once.

You move from one seat to the other, placing his bag onto the table carefully. You’re gentle as you pull the Canon from it’s compartment, the weight of it shifting into both palms reminds you that if you do anything wrong your friend just might kill you because this baby costs (literal) thousands.

Thankfully, as the camera comes to life his, presumably, last photo taken appears on the small square screen which means you don’t have to press a million buttons just to find what you’re looking for. You scroll through the first photos, dozens of group shots of people wearing different hot pink garments, wondering briefly what the photo shoot was for. Eventually you land on close up photos of a younger guy, the head shots for Taehyung’s friend, you’re close. Until finally, there’s a photo of an older man and woman holding two thumbs up, the festive backdrop giving away they’re at a holiday party.

This is it.

You take a moment before continuing to scroll, preparing yourself mentally because you aren’t sure when you will finally land on a picture of the two in search, but you will reach them and when you do, you must contain your emotions.

It’s fine, it’ll be fine.

Moving on, you’re slower this time, carefully scanning each passing photo to be sure not to miss Jungkook. The first few ones, or rather last several, are group shots with the same old man as before, until they become more candid.

The first time you spot him, he’s in the background giving some guy a hug.

There’s another photo of him at a table, not alone, but not speaking to anyone. He’s completely unaware that he’s being captured in the background which makes his oblivious doe-like daze a little adorable. He’s so cute, you think. Also oblivious to the smile that’s perked on your lips.

That is until you skip to the next photo and noticeably feel it drop when you finally see her. Somehow, you just know. There’s a second woman in the photo who seems to be talking with her hands, Lia’s smiling and making eye contact, but Jungkook’s eyes are on Lia.

You pass it, moving onto something else. There’s another. This time, they’re the focus of the photo, sitting at a table with another you haven’t met, all engaged in laughter.

You skip a few more, until the next one with them is again in the background. He’s smirking but you can’t see her face because she’s sat at an angle and her hair’s in the way.

The next photo is captured from behind, but you know it’s them because of her red dress and the fact you can recognize Jungkook from any angle by now. One arm around his shoulder and her head leaning into him, what warranted her to come this close?

You pass many, many more photos until you see them again. A posed picture, with the same guy from the laughing one, and like this you can really get a good look at her. You’re not too prideful to admit that she is beautiful and she holds an enticing look in her eyes. Maybe that’s her special feature, but other than that what’s special about her? Past the pretty face and perfect smile, what separates her from you? What was there under her surface? How’d she win over Jungkook?

The next pictures you go through are mostly boring, just photos of everyone at the party eating and conversing. But there’s one common factor in all of them with Lia and Jungkook, he was always looking at her. Most of the time smiling while he did so. And most of that time, she was looking at him too.

There’s something obvious there, that maybe Taehyung also saw, they have a connection. That, even if you hadn’t known him, you would think they had something going on too with all the ridiculous googly eyes. But with that, because you know him, there’s something else you see- That he is absolutely fascinated by her, drawn to her, intrigued. Whatever special thing she possessed, he’s latched onto it and it’s pulled him away from you.

Tears begin to well and you have to set the camera down to wipe them away harshly. It’s annoying, this marks the third time today, and if you let yourself cry now it’ll only worsen your headache into a migraine. You don’t want to cry over him, he doesn’t deserve it. Crying means you care and well, obviously you care. You love him, but he doesn’t deserve that either. Why should you still love him after what he’s done to you?

It’s useless to keep rubbing your eyes, your knuckles pointlessly tug the skin just for them to become wet again. You didn’t want to cry but your body was intent on releasing it’s frustration.

It’s not fair that after so much time together this other person just gets to come in and move his heart- quite literally, like he said, making room inside of it. It’s not fair that just two months ago he said to you he couldn’t see himself with anybody else just to fall for another girl who knows how long after. Maybe it’d happened before he even said it. The fact that he was willing to explore how he felt about her should’ve been a dead giveaway that he was in denial at the time. Maybe you were too.

Could it be that she’s the reason your relationship spiraled in the first place? After he started work that’s when the distance between you two started to extend. There were a lot of other things you thought it could be. You thought he was depressed over the new job, closed off from you because he was closed off to the world. And at the time, you tried your best to be the optimistic one.  You tried to lift his spirits and be encouraging but maybe it wasn’t enough. Where did you go wrong? Where did you fail at making him happy?

Why weren’t you enough?

You desperately want to know what it is about her- what is it that Lia has and you don’t?

Is it all because he felt you weren’t reciprocating his efforts to fix things? Maybe you didn’t try hard enough. You should’ve done more- you should’ve been more affectionate and caring. You should’ve loved him better.

You flinch at the soft thud of the door closing, jumping out of your seat because it’s startled you. It’s just Taehyung, standing there silently with a harsh expression of worry.

“You were crying.” He says plainly, a hint of guilt in his tone.

“No.” You lie, wiping your face once more and forcing a laugh.

He shakes his head as he makes his way to you, setting a white to-go box on the table before standing in front of you.

“You think I’m stupid? Your eyes are red.” His voice is unnecessarily gentle as he cups your face in both hands, thumbs wiping away left over traces of tears. The sound of his voice alone makes your entire chest warm- you hate it. “Also, I saw you.”

“I’m fine.” You push his hands away because his affections are way too much for your weakened heart to handle. He seems displeased. “What’d you get?”

He glances at the table and then back to you. The pierce of his brown eyes makes your lungs constrict, even his gaze is difficult to hold.

“Fried chicken. You saw the pictures?”

“O- y-yea…” You force yourself to look away- if you breathe properly maybe you can talk without sounding like a moron. “I’m really sorry for going through your things I just got curious and I shouldn’t have but that’s-”

“It’s okay, Y/n.” He assures you, “Are you okay?”

Your mouth forms to say yes and he already knows the lie to come, fixing his question before you can.

“I mean you’re not okay. I’m asking if you wanna talk about it.”

“It’s okay.” There were too many layers to uncover, between your emotions and the pictures and your anniversary and what really happened at that party, “It’s a lot.”

He shrugs at your words like they don’t matter, “I’ve got some time. And I’ve got food.”

“Tae-”

“Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“I’m just confused. But I don’t want to ramble and get upset.”

“Why are you confused?”

“I just… I don’t understand Jungkook. I don’t understand why he likes that girl. I don’t understand why I wasn’t good enough.  I don’t understand why he was so good to me if there was someone else, even after what happened, all the way until I found that he fucking let her-” You stop there, unsure what words to use to explain what happened other than the disgusting frank description that was there in your mind. Your stomach was already churning, you couldn’t say it.

“He let her…?”

“They… you know…” You vaguely wave your hands between your bodies, back and forth from the direction of your mouth to his crotch, hoping he caught on to the innuendo and wouldn’t force you to be explicit. He’d already successfully tricked in you into saying more than you originally wanted to.

“Ahh, wow um…” Surprised, he understands, but uncertain with himself if that’s really what you meant. If only he knew just how bad it gets.

“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Alright, alright.” He holds his hands up defensively, letting the topic go at once.

At some point over the last few months he’d stopped being passive and tried harder to pry information out of you when you were being closed off. Not too forcefully, but it was silently appreciated. You’d become grateful for his willingness to listen to whatever was weighing on your mind no matter the topic, it was always followed with thoughtful responses and advice. Now though, it’s a bit more frustrating. Something about this was different. This was not something that was easy to open up about and you wished he would say OK and let it be.

You know there’s an elephant in the room and at some point the healthy thing to do will be talking about it and having that conversation with him, your closest friend, but today wasn’t it.

He makes his way to the farthest side of the table, “Well, I’ll have to eat dinner with you quickly because I have to go check on a tenant downstairs. Their heater isn’t working and as you can imagine in the middle of winter they aren’t happy about it.”

“If you have business to take care of it’s fine. I need to go back to my apartment anyway to grab some things before Jungkook gets home and then find a hotel somewhere.”

“You’re being ridiculous, you don’t need a hotel. And you should at least eat first.”

“It’s okay, I’m not hungry.” Your prolonged headache would beg to differ but you didn’t have much of an appetite anymore. You’re not sure how to respond to his first remark because it’s obvious you don’t have anywhere else to stay. You’d stay here, but only if he offered. You weren’t going to ask since you had no plan and it’d be quite the favor to ask someone to crash at their place for an indefinite period of time. “Ah, also, I don’t have my key… would you mind helping me get in?”

“Not at all.” A moment of silence drags on for a minute too long as he stares at you sadly, worrying his bottom lip, until he speaks up again. “You sure you don’t want to eat something?”

“I’m sure.”

With that, he heads over to the cabinet below the kitchen sink and pulls out of a bulky rectangular safe. Upon unlocking it there’s nearly a hundred keys organized on rows of hooks- a key to every room in the entire complex. He plucks yours straight from the center and then begins to count towards the bottom before he pulls another one.

After locking everything back up and putting it in it’s discreet place he places the keys in your hands silently. One reads 503, the other 705.

“What is this?”

“There’s a furnished room on the top floor. It’s clean, it’s got running water and it’s all yours.”

“Huh?”

“We only use it for tours because it has extra square footage compared to the other one bedrooms- don’t tell anybody that. Also, please do not lose these because if Mr.Lee finds out I’m doing this-”

“I understand!” You sputter, gripping the cold metal tightly. “Thank you, Taehyung.”

He beams at you, “It’s no problem. You still have a key here so don’t feel like you’re not welcome to visit.”

To visit, right, not to stay.

You weren’t going to ask him, no, but you do feel disappointed that he hadn’t offered. And maybe that’s selfish of you to think considering he’s risking his job just to offer you a private place of comfort and here you are wondering why you can’t stay with him.

You can’t help but feel this is his subtle way of getting rid of you, which is fair, your moodiness is probably annoying. Still, he’s being nothing but kind and going out of his way for you, and yet for some reason it’s all making you sad.

-----

It’s been exactly 10 days since you’ve seen Jungkook, which is impressive considering you both return home to the same complex every day and have yet to cross paths. For the first time ever you were thankful for the difference in your schedules, by now assuming that he was likely back to his usual 10 AM to 6 PM shift and that’s why you two hadn’t. But, you’d be a liar if you said you didn’t wish to see him every day.

There were countless times you had to stop yourself from calling him, thinking I just want to see how he’s doing. In the morning, on the way to work, in the evening, on the train, at night- especially at night, especially when you had to lay in bed alone. Other times you instinctively pressed for 5 on the elevator, only remembering you were on the wrong level when the doors opened to familiarity, you would consider for a moment getting off and just going back home, but deep down you knew better than to make that mistake. Your self control was also impressive.

In your own defense, your moments of weakness were absolutely valid, you two had been inseparable since that first day of sophomore year over three years ago, you never went more than two days without seeing each other. Well, that’s not entirely true. There was the winter break before you started dating, and his family’s week long vacation two summers ago, but you still talked every day so it’s not the same.

This last year in particular your lives were built around each other- you freaking moved in together. Every day for a year you woke up and he was there, you went to sleep and he was there, right next to you. Even your body knew that something was missing as it tossed and turned at night, falling asleep had become difficult. Unless you cried, but you tried to minimize that to every other day.

The spacious apartment did not help your loneliness either, you tried to find comfort and treat it like a get away, but really it was unfamiliar and lacked personal touch. You didn’t even feel like a guest in someone else’s home, the space felt outside of reality, outside of your norm.

The only time things didn’t feel so odd were when you were with Taehyung. In his space he provided the consistent comfort you craved. The only problem was that the past week just so happened to be a week he was packed with gig after gig after gig. He’d been very busy with his photography and while he did his best to call you throughout the days and make sure you were simply surviving, the physical time you spent together had dwindled down significantly. Another hard pill to swallow since you’d gotten used to seeing him every day too.

Your loneliness was becoming suffocating.

Thankfully tonight some of the girls from your job made dinner plans that you were included in, which turned into an impromptu trip to a nearby karaoke bar afterwards. It was a nice break away from your usual routine to go out and spend time with friends rather than sitting inside alone on a Friday night. It was also the most you’d laughed all week.

Your plan for when you got back to the apartment complex was to go straight inside, change out of your work clothes, quickly go through your bedtime routine before your mind had a chance to start wandering through every reason you had to be sad, and go to sleep. That all becomes impossible the second you step into 705 and are welcomed by it’s freezing cold draft, it feels like you’ve just stepped back outside into the winter night.

The thermostat claims the heat is on, set to 70 degrees, but the current indoor temperature reads as 42 degrees fahrenheit.

“Jesus Christ, not me.” You groan at the ceiling, letting your bag thump to the ground before bending over to fish for your cell phone.

To: Tae [9:42 PM]

Please tell me you’re home :(

You hold the phone in your hand for a few minutes, waiting for his message to pop up on the screen but his reply is not immediate. You begin to worry because he’s typically a quick responder as long as he’s not working, and though it’s late maybe he was still at a shoot, or he also decided to go out tonight. Either way, you’d have to figure out what to do because there was no way you could sleep in this place tonight.

From: Tae [9:47 PM]

I’m here

Sorry about that I was making tea

what’s up angel?

A-Angel?

You’re not sure that he’s ever called you that before and don’t know where it’s come from and your face may be heating up at the pet name but there’s more important matters at hand.

To: Tae [9:48 PM]

Uhh hate to bother you but… I think the heaters broken

 From: Tae [9:48 PM]

Nooo You’re the third person this week :(

From: Tae [9:49 PM]

I’m sorry, do you wanna sleep here?

Do you even have to ask?

---

When you arrive downstairs moments later he welcomes you in with a tight hug, as if it’s been months since he’s seen you but it’s only been three days. Regardless, the affection is much needed as you’ve been deprived of all physical forms, you feel yourself wanting to reach back out as he pulls away.

“I still have hot water, do you want me to make you some tea?”

“Hm, I’m okay, but thank you.” You were still fairly stuffed from dinner and the several virgin margaritas you enjoyed during karaoke.

Leaving your bags in the living room, you follow his path into the kitchen. Sure enough, there’s a kettle on the counter next to a small box and mug, he moves quickly to clean up the small mess and put things back into their place.

“Well since you’re here, do you want to watch a movie or anything? I think there’s a new episode of that weird sci-fi show you like.”

“First of all if you’re talking about Black Mirror, it’s not weird, but yes there’s a new interactive movie.”

He glances back to roll his eyes at you before dusting scraps into the trash bin. “You made me watch an episode where they trapped someone’s consciousness into a teddy bear… it’s a little weird.”

“There was so much to take away from that episode and that’s still all you talk about!”

When season four had first come out, you and Jungkook nearly finished it within a week, but life got in the way and you never got a chance to finish. One day you decided to just complete the season without him and enjoy the finale with Taehyung who’d never seen the show. You thought it’d be fun, thinking he’d provide insightful commentary, instead, he couldn’t get passed how cruel it was a character couldn’t express sadness beyond “Monkey needs a hug.”

“Would you rather talk about the guy who literally got off on murdering someone?”

“He-- no, please.”

He’s smiling as he walks back over to you and you can’t help but giggle because okay it is kind of weird and maybe you should’ve chosen a different episode to introduce him to but it was still really good!

“I’ll let you show me another episode, preferably one less dark.”

For whatever reason, he pulls your head against his chest to rest his own atop yours and wraps you back into his warmth. This time your heart immediately starts to race, nervous about the random affection, though your arms don’t hesitate to wrap around him either.

“It’s okay, I actually just wanna go to sleep.”

“Oh… okay...” He holds you tighter, sounding a bit disappointed.

You squeeze him back, a way of silently apologizing. You expect him to pull away then, but he doesn't, and neither do you because even with a jumping heart being like this was too comfortable. He was always so warm, and so cuddly, and his clothes always smelled like lavender. Which would confuse your brain at first when you’d get a whiff of him, the light fragrance so contrasting to that of your favorite- a warm blend of citrus notes and amber on Jungkook- but you also adored whatever floral fabric softener Taehyung used because you found it calming. In fact, you could stand here forever because the combination of all he had to offer was that relaxing. So relaxing that you can’t help but ask-

“Tae…” You release your hold so that you can step back and look at him but he doesn’t let you go, only slides his hands to the lower part of your back providing enough space for eye contact, responding with a yes? “Can I… sleep in your bed tonight?”

“I guess so? I don’t mind taking the couch.”

“No, I mean, with you.”

“Uh-” You catch the way his eyebrows almost raise with widening eyes before he can stop the reaction. You worry about the implications of your words.

“Unless it’s weird. Is that weird? I’m sorry.”

“No!” His hands abruptly fall away, swiping at the back of high thighs as he creates room between you two. “Not at all, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m- it’s just hard sleeping alone, you know?”

“Y-yeah, it’s alright.”

Not long afterwards, after you both had changed and freshened up, you found yourself sitting up in Taehyung’s bed with your back against the wall. It seems silly to you now that you’ve never slept together let alone even stepped foot in his bedroom. But before all this, things were different, and even though you’re only friends it definitely would’ve been inappropriate taking all things into consideration- Taehyung’s feelings, your relationship, maybe even your fleeting non-platonic thoughts about him.

Now, you don’t question it too much, it’s not inappropriate or weird. You’re the only one making it a little weird because you keep thinking about the fact that Taehyung still likes you, or at least you assume so, and that he could use this opportunity to make a move on you. Deep down you know he would never, he’s too respectable for that. Maybe you’d let him- ONLY because you’re vulnerable! He knows that. Which is why he shouldn’t, he’d be taking advantage of that. He won’t, but you still wonder if he will. Even as he rambles on about the earl grey tea his mom bought from Europe, a small yet very expensive Christmas present. There’s a reason why this French tea company is so special, but you wouldn’t know because see, you’re being weird.

How Jungkook would feel about all of this? What’s he up to anyway?

“Y/N? Are you listening to me?”

You’re startled by the sound of your name, but you nod furiously. “Of course, Tae. You were saying your mom and… amazing French company, great story!”

He shakes his head disapprovingly, “That’s how I know you weren’t paying attention. My mom bought the tea in France but it’s a Singaporean company!”

“Oh, see! I was close! I just missed that one little tidbit.”

He squints his eyes at you, knowing you’re telling a tale. Letting out an exaggerated sigh he rotates on his side to face you and props his elbow to rest his head in his palm. “Alright, what’s wrong? Spill the tea. No pun intended.”

“I know you’ll think I’m an idiot but I’m gonna say it. I miss Jungkook.”

“No I won’t!” He sits up fully in bed, seeing that the thoughts that plague you are deeper than he anticipated. He mirrors your image, crossing his legs before reaching to hold both your hands. “First of all you’re not an idiot and I would never think so little of you. It’s okay if you miss Jungkook, it’s expected. You don’t just forget about someone you love overnight or even within a week.”

Was that true, though?

“Why not? He did.”

Whether in the blink of an eye or months before you realized, he’d forgotten about you, forgotten what you meant to him, forgotten what you two had. Or is it that he didn’t love you anymore and that’s what made you so easy to forget?

“Didn’t I already tell you he’s a dumbass?” He grins, but you can’t find it in you to laugh, the insult doesn’t even make you feel the slightest bit better.

He sighs, rubbing his thumbs over the back of your hands. “Can I ask you something?”

You nod.

“Do you want to save your relationship?”

Your hands pull away, not because of him, but almost as if to brace yourself for the weight of reality as you press them into the bed on either side of you. You hadn’t really thought about that, your thought process never got that far. Would Jungkook even want that?

“I don’t know that it's possible. Jungkook told me he likes Lia, and if that’s true, then it’s serious. He isn’t easily swayed by pretty faces.”

Taehyung snorts, “Who said anything about her being pretty?”

Your arch a brow at him, unsure if he’s trying to insinuate something. “Well I saw her, she is pretty but… that’s just it, that's not the point. He actually needs to get to know someone if he’s gonna pursue them. I told you before how in college there were so many girls interested in him and he didn't like any of them. Not even me. Not until he knew me.”

“And now he likes her…”

“Exactly.”

“But that’s not what I asked. Put him aside for a moment and stop thinking about what he feels. What is it that you want?” He asks, pressing a finger into your knee.

What I want? That is still a lot to consider. A lot that you haven’t gone over. You’ve only focused on the current distance between the two of you, and keeping it that way until you felt strong enough to face him. You’ve only gone through past memories, you hadn’t thought of what the future held nor what you wanted it to.

“I don’t know, Tae. It sounds ridiculous but I can’t envision my life without him. The idea of going back to him feels daunting because I don’t know how to forgive him for what he did or how to trust him after this. Or even, how I could allow myself to love him. I don’t have answers but it’s like if I don’t then what? Where do I go and who do I become?”

“You don’t become anyone, if not just a better version of yourself. You don’t need him to have a complete identity.”

“That’s easy for you to say-”

“I know it’s easy for me to say,” His rebuttal is sharp, almost defensive. “No I didn’t just spend the last three years of my life with someone just for them to shit all over our history, but I’m right. You were somebody long before you even met him and you will still be somebody without him, if you choose to let him go.”

“I know that, but it’s not just easy for me to say, okay, bye Jungkook, and go on and be content with being alone.”

“You think you’d be alone?”

“Well, yes?”

It all circles back to what you first said, you can’t envision life without him. Even if you try, there’s nothing there, you, but nothing more. Maybe that should be enough, but that blank image in your mind feels empty, life would be lackluster and dull, something would always be missing.

“That’s not true.” He looks down for a moment, finding a loose string on his comforter to tug on. “You have me.”

At that, and as his eyes finds yours, the air in the room starts to thicken. The statement feels too direct. You know he means that as a reminder of his loyal friendship, you know it’s his way of saying hey I’m here, but it feels like something more.

“As long as I’m alive, you’ll always have me.”

“Hm, like forever.” Your own gaze slips away this time, unable to stop yourself from chuckling at the boundless promise of his words. An older version of you may have believed him, a version of you that believes love is timeless, the version of you with a committed boyfriend. You want to believe him because Taehyung is honest, he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it. But words like this have been spoken truthfully to you before and look where it’s brought you.

“Jungkook and I are not the same.” It’s almost embarrassing how well Taehyung knows you, how spot on he is about what you’re thinking. “There was a point in time Jungkook couldn’t even see you, he didn’t see you then and he doesn’t see you now. Me?” He stops himself, you can tell by his tone that he knows he’s crossing a line again, about to walk past usual boundaries, about to say something he couldn’t have said before today, but he says it anyway. “The way I’ve felt about you has never changed. Every day I still feel what I felt the day I first met you… Even when you’ve confused me, even when you’ve cursed me, even when you’ve pushed me away, even when you defined the line in the sand and made it clear we could never be more than friends, even when you don’t see me… I feel it. So yes, like forever.”

You’re too afraid to look at him because you think you might crack the way you once had months ago, when a flood of emotion for him overtook you, when you considered giving into him.

“And I’m not asking you to- I’m not saying anything other than I’ve come with you this far and… whatever you do, nothing's gonna change.”

You have no words for him, nothing coherent, at least for now. You nearly throw yourself at him, sprouting up from your position on the left side of the bed to wrap your arms around his neck. He reacts quickly, thankfully, because as he falls sideways onto the mattress with a huff you realize you could’ve sent him tumbling backwards to the floor which would’ve been bad for the both of you.

You feel the soft laughter rumble beneath his chest as he tightens his hold around you, “Thank you?”

You’re overwhelmed with both gratitude and frustration, so much so that you think you could cry. How did you get so damn lucky to have this man in your life? It wasn’t fair. Logically, and karmically, it was not fair. Even as he said and listed reasons he’s had to pull back, to change his mind, to drop you, he hasn’t. He genuinely loves and supports you unconditionally and you don’t know how the hell that happened or why but there’s one thing you are certain of.

You are more than lucky, you are blessed to have Taehyung. And you hope that this friendship is eternal because you can’t imagine having to lose him too.

----

“Do you remember the first time we ate here?”

“Of course I do.”

You’d spent the first half of your Saturday lounging in bed, or rather Taehyung’s bed, all by yourself because he’d had an early morning shoot for… something you don’t remember because you were half asleep when he’d said. You’d stayed that way for a while, grumpily, because you were starving and too lazy to go out and eat and too stubborn to order delivery. By lunch time when your hunger hit peak aggravation you sent him a very aggressive text message in all caps to PLEASE BUY SOME FUCKING GROCERIES YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE BREAD. He promptly responded with a slew of laughing emojis, then letting you know he was already ten minutes away and to meet him downstairs.

He’d taken you the short walk to the taco truck around the corner, the very first place you hung out, a very telling choice after what he said last night.

“You never did thank me for showing you the best taco place in town.” He flicks at his bangs dramatically, turning a shoulder to you in faux offense.

“That’s because it’s not. I mean, it’s good but my favorite is this restaurant up north.”

“Why have you never taken me then?”

“They closed down last summer.”

“Must not have been too good.” He looks at you pointedly, flicking at his silky strands once more. You raise a fist, pretending like you might hit him, though you’re laughing at his obnoxiousness.

“I promise, you would’ve loved it.”

Just then, a lady pokes her head out from the wide window, calling your name for your order. Taehyung is first to run over and grab the small bag, though you take it back from him, offering to carry it on the walk back.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What was your first impression of me?”

“Oh…” His question comes as a surprise, but you don’t think much of it, reflecting back to the day last spring. The very first time you met. “I thought you were very polite.”

“What about the first time we ate back there?”

“Well,” That question takes a little bit more digging. You have to remember the things you talked about that night, how you felt, how he seemed. “You seemed so… so… normal. Like, before that, I guess I kind of put you on a pedestal, I don’t know. You just seemed so composed and confident and like you had everything together but then we talked and you opened up to me and it was like ah, we’re not so different. It was refreshing.”

You look over to him and smile, he smiles, but he keeps his gaze towards to concrete as you continue up the block.

“Why do you ask? What was your first impression of me?”

“That you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen.”

You instantly stop in your tracks, it takes him a second to register but when he does the balls of his feet scratch against the gravel as he turns around.

“Stop it.” You say, squinting your eyes suspiciously at him because why is he trying to flirt and joke around right now it’s making me blush! “Tell me.”

“That’s it?” Even his eyes frown at you, confused why you won’t accept his answer.

You roll your eyes and push past him, taking a right at the corner as you continued ahead. His legs are long so it doesn’t take anything of him to catch up, and he asks why you don’t believe him.

“I thought you were attractive but I gave you a better answer than that.”

“Wait-” He takes a few skips to jump in front of you, forcing you to come to another stop as he blocks the way. “You thought I was attractive?”

“What? I said you were handsome.”

“No, you said attractive.” He says, wiggling his eyebrows.

Oh my God, did I?

“I- it doesn’t matter, it’s basically the same thing.”

You step right, he steps left, you step left, he steps right, refusing to let you go around while he dons a ridiculous smirk that you try really hard not to look at.

“What!”

“Don’t you wanna know my first impression?”

“...yes.”

“Don’t judge me.” He points a finger at you, waiting on your nod before he continues, tucking his hand back into his coat pocket. “When we were standing in the elevator together, my heart was beating so fast because I was so nervous, but I thought you were mean! You kept giving me short answers and you glared at me when I was just trying to be helpful!”

“Come on, you asked me where I lived, give me a break.”

He giggles, “I was just nervous and talking out of order. But then you relaxed after I told you who I was, and you even laughed at something I said and…”

“And…?”

“I felt really warm. My heart, my insides,” One hand moves from the left side of his chest then down to his abdomen. You can see that he hesitates, biting on the corner of his lip nervously, but he looks back to you and sees the harsh expression on your face. “It’s stupid.” He forces a laugh and continues to walk home. You’re only about 10 yards away, the front entrance is visible not far beyond him.

He’s misread your reaction, misunderstood your furrowed expression. You weren’t frowning at him because of judgement or because you thought it was stupid, you were frowning out of pure confusion because he’d described the same feeling he’s given to you.

And it was so simple, such a simple feeling, a simple word. But, warm, yes, you understood. You felt it too that very first day, you felt it the first time you hung out. You feel it when he looks at you, when he talks, when he hugs you, just being next to him in itself was like sitting by a fire. You were never sure what it was or what it meant, you never looked too much into it, but if the sentiment was mutual shouldn’t you tell him you feel it too?

You run ahead to catch up, he’s still standing outside the door, presumably waiting for you to go inside.

Taehyung had said before that you always know what to say, but you disagree. Maybe when it comes to uplifting others kind words come naturally, but you aren’t good with words themself, at least not when it comes to sharing and expressing your emotions.

That is precisely why you cup his face into your hands as he turns to you, unbothered by the tacos that get smushed somewhere between your arm and his chest, raising onto the balls of your feet and pulling him down the distance you couldn’t close to press your lips into his.

You’re not entirely sure why you’re kissing Taehyung, or rather you can’t explain why. It’s impulsive but it feels right as that familiar feeling overtakes your entire chest, replacing the vacant ache you’d grown accustomed to over the last week and a half and overwhelming you with so much desire for more. And at first, he gives in to you. His gentle hands find your hips, head turning as his mouth opens in sync with yours to deepen the kiss.

In that moment you place words on the purpose. Kissing him said way more than your grateful hugs ever could, and that was all you’d done before. But this wasn’t even about saying thank you, this was about admitting that maybe you felt the exact same way. This was easier than facing the fact that there really was no reason to keep suppressing your emotions. But then he abruptly pulls away, eyes wide as he sounds frightened when he says your name.

Your heart sinks because he’s looking at you like you’ve just done something you should not have done. Heat creeps up over your ears, this time because you’re actually uncomfortable, completely embarrassed because maybe you just made a mistake.

Your open your mouth to say something but nothing comes out, stuck on shock, you don’t know how to even begin saying sorry.

“Jungkook is inside.”

Wait… what?

If you couldn’t speak before, you definitely couldn’t now as all the air escapes your lungs, frozen and unable to breathe. You want to believe that you heard him wrong, or that he didn’t even say Jungkook’s name. But you’re too terrified to even look and confirm. You still aren’t ready, you don’t know what feelings will come up just by seeing him. Worst of all, you don’t know if Jungkook just watched you kiss Taehyung and you cringe at the thought.

You look right, and sure enough, on the other side of the clear glass Jungkook stands there just feet away looking right at you. The way your heart picks up speed is almost painful, you can tell by the disgruntled look on his face he’s seen everything.

TBC

[obfuscatedcarisi]

All the times Sonny Could have kissed you but didn’t (and the one time he did)

Part 5 is here. I am so sorry this took so long. I’m week 3 at my new job and it’s been a real ride. My boss got into an accident on my first day and has been off work ever since and so I have had to hit the groud sprinting with no training I am barely alive rn.

Anyway. I hope you like this one - let me know what you think! Also shoutout to Kindergarten Cop!

Part 5 / ?

You walked into what felt like the 37th library of the day in search of someone who might recognize your perp. He'd been tearing out carefully selected pages from a library copy of The Divine Comedy and leaving them with his victims once he'd finished with them.

“The more a thing is perfect, the more it feels pleasure and pain.”

It was truly heinous.

So here you were, doing your absolute best to politely interrogate the sweet librarian with Carisi by your side. You were fed up, your patience wearing thin. You knew the fatigue was showing all over your face.

You huffed and turned away, pretending to inspect the surroundings and trying to squash the panic rising in your chest. You needed to catch a break. This felt like you were wasting valuable time but it was the only lead you had. Looking around, you saw nothing out of the ordinary; dark wooden tables marred by years of stains and scratches, metal chairs upholstered in burgundy burlap. Did it match the green carpet tiles? Of course not, but you didn’t suppose that was a consideration. There was a group of children, kindergartners you supposed, sat on the carpet in the kid’s corner and….seemingly unsupervised….

As one of them came running over, Carisi touched your elbow and turned you to face him.

“What was that?” You asked, straining a smile at the woman behind the desk.

“I said I can ask my supervisor, she remembers everyone and everything that passes through here.”

“I’ll come with you, Y/L/N you can wait here. Besides,  Carisi nodded behind you, a glint in his eye. “I think you’ve made a friend.”

You looked around and the small child was grinning at you with a big gap toothed smile.

“Hi” you said, crouching down to meet them on their level.

“Hi” the child beamed “ Are you going to read us a story?” It was more of a plea than a question.

“Uhh, isn’t there someone else here who does that?” you looked around for someone who could looked like they might be already employed to do that kind of thing.

“They said they had to step out for a second. That was ages ago!”

So, probably just a few seconds, you thought. You pulled your most dramatic shocked face “Ages! Well. In that case, what are we reading?”

Despite your mood, you were not an asshole, and would not take your frustrations out on anyone, especially not children. You followed the child over to the group and was promptly handed a large, square, hardback, picture book.

The Birds and The Bees

Oh boy. This was surely inappropriate. And way, way above your pay grade.

“Ummmm. I’m not sure this is -”

You looked around and saw Carisi coming towards you. Disappointed. That was way too quick to be positive.

“Hey -” His voice was urgent. He was cut off.

“Where do babies come from?” A little voice piped up from the back. You’d never seen Carisi look so stunned. His mouth hung open.

“Uhhhhh”

He’d been reduced to only blinking. You bit down on your lip to keep from laughing.

“My dad’s a gynecologist. He looks at vaginas all day long.” another voice added.

Wow. Things were getting real over here. “Well. That’s. Um.” Carisi began, gesturing haphazardly with his hands.

��Our mom says our Dad’s a real sex machine.” A pair of identical twins decided to add to the discussion.

You choked on your own spit and doubled over. Tears springing to the corners of your eyes.

“Hey you OK” Sonny’s voice broke through the choking. This was Sonny checking on you, not just Carisi. One hand came to the small of you back, the other cupping your cheek, concern written over his face.

“I’m good” you laughed, not holding back anymore.

“Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?” Another child teased.

Sonny didn’t look away. He was still checking you over. His eyes met yours, finally, he let himself go and gave you the biggest, brightest smile you’d ever seen on him.

“Well...We’re...uhhhh” He searched your face, looking for the right answer.

“Are you two going to kiss?!” a disgusted voice rang out “Yuck!” they screeched.

“KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!”

He let out a nervous laugh but actually dipped his head down.

“Detective! That's him over there!” The librarian shouted out, pointing towards the doorway.

“Fuck!” You yelled as you both tore away from each other and sprinted in the direction of the man who was making a beeline for anywhere-but-here-and-now.

You couldn't tell if the gasps were because you were YELLING in a library, because you CURSED in front of kindergartners or because of the thrill of a live police chase. Sadly, you couldn't stick around to find out.

[poetic-beats]

Update:

I am now having to compile a list of evidence and issues to give to PALS so they can do an independent investigation of my issues about my treatment by the psychiatrists lodge.  I have now seen both psychiatrists who now work there. And had the manager who I still have not been told if he is even a qualified mental health professional or just a managerial role person because he seemed to judge me based on my diagnosis and without reading any of the reports on me or talking to me or bringing me in for assessment again after crisis team referral he seemed to know exactly who i am what my issues are and what i need.

Like no. He also was doing this illegally as when crisis team refers me back to them I LEGALLY get an appointment and reassessment of my needs..

They cant just assume and tell me this is what I am entitled to before i have been assessed.

This psychiatrist I saw yesterday was all about heres your meds now fuck off. He seemed to listen better to my mum at least. However he was not that welcoming and he also got caught in a lie. He kept saying the same rhetoric as the manager that the GP letter I REQUEST to see under the freedom of information of my personal records blah blah act is supposedly my care plan i questioned this then he says oh well DBT and psychologist care is when you get a full care plan I said I DID do DBT i was on the course for some time before i had to quit.

I never was told about a care plan.

Then i say btw right behind you on the wall is a new NHS board outlining specifically care plans and my entitlement to them ITS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

I already know the law and NICE and NHS guidelines and rulings but in case I didnt its literally there in the waiting room we are in behind you.

He then admits finally that I AM NOT in fact receiving a care plan as that is only for certain people they have a limited number of people who are eligible to receive that even though the NHS and ELFT who covers and runs the care for my area his bosses way up basically above manager of meadow lodge have clearly outlined with NHS and NICE guidelines a care plan isnt something you are assessed to receive It is something I should just have...the bloody board behind him my dad took a pic of It had like a thing where it said you say this ‘ xyz’ and then on the other side it had what this means and what the care provider is expected to do in response and it outlines a care plan what it is and what you receive and how it works.

So its like well that makes no mention of you deciding who gets a care plan rather I should have one and in case I dont i should just have to say and ask what the board suggests to ask and you should respond according to the NHS with a care plan discussed with ME and that WE both decide upon crisis plan of action long and short term goals for my recovery and progress and discuss an integrative approach with a FULL CMHT...something yet again they should be offering but dont. As the manager put it im not in crisis enough to warrant this care that is meant to be pretty standard care not for specially in crisis people. And as for crisis well im not sure how much worse i needed to get. other than my GP almost calling an ambulance on me but instead getting me a same day referral to a crisis team who spoke to me til gone 8pm that night until i was stable enough to leave and go home and in the mean time they’d handle a referral back to meadow lodge in which i was told the appointment system should run smooth instead my parents fought tooth and nail to not just get an appointment in which the manager told me exactly what i would be offered before i’d even been for assessment but he had to fight for a fair assessment one which follows NICE guidelines and standard code of practice for re referrals which basically means i should be reassessed as if i am a new patient in the fact that my needs may have changed or new problems have clearly arisen if ive been referred from crisis team. 

So I have now exhausted every option I also found out by chance the builder/labourer my dad employs rn also has bipolar and has also had the exact same issue i had with the exact same lady psychiatrist after being transferred to her care when our old psych retired. Only he had a breakdown in their reception she did nothing made him leave and then he was hospitalised only when he saw crisis team I saw he wasnt willing to give them another chance so refused treatment there and went through the slightly longer process of being referred else where although to be honest the process isnt longer because meadow lodge dont follow guidelines and rather than immediately seeing me as early as possibly my parents had to phone up to remind them and bug them to even read over the crisis teams referal to them.

Even though a crisis team referral is equivalent to someone being rushed to A&E you are the priority patient over others not in A&E therefore i shouldnt have had to get my parents to chase them up for an appointment and then fight for a fair assessment. Which tbh i half got and half didnt.

This is v. frustrating but hey at least i now know of 3 other people who were under my old psychs care when he retired were put under the lady psychiatrists care and we have all had issues we have all been discharged around the same time after being transferred to her care. And me and the builder at least that i know of have ended up in crisis teams care for a period of time.

So basically we now have 3 known incidents of this psychiatrist discharging people who have ended up in crisis because of it shortly after discharge showing clearly we werent meant to be discharged nor ready to be and another lady who complained on the NHS site about her and the lodge as a whole since my old psych who ran it retired. SHe had similar complaints i did about treatment and as for the builder my dad works with and employs well she told him hes far too young to have bipolar and have these issues in his life and discharged him saying he has to take care of himself and take self responsibility.

So at this point if i go to PALS with facts about discharging patients before they were safe to be discharged and say well just look i know of me and one other person whose ended back up in severe crisis care shortly after her discharging us this is not a coincidence and there is a third who has also been discharged and complained oh and two years earlier there is another complaint about her also saying to a guy for an assessment with her that he needs to care for himself gave him adhd meds and discharged him on the initial meeting back to GP care.  And told him he had to basically buck up and get a job as its what normal people do or everyone has to do even thoguh he said he needed help and treatment so he could function to work. Again it seems to be a pattern that she tells people they have to care for themselves without giving us the toools to learn to self cope and self care. 

she is rude. not compassionate. cares more about stigmatising us and accusing us and having very odd beliefs for a psychiatrist given studies have always shown disorders like bipolar type 2 and rapid cycling itself is almost wholly found in those who develop bipolar disorder at young adolescence...so its a whole thing based around developing it young. And here she is telling the builder we know hes too young to have bipolar and problems. 

as if she knows his life she basically dismissed his diagnosis tbh...because of his age...even though hes in his 20s mid 20s and its not uncommon for bipolar to take hold in adolescence mine appeared when i was 17/18 so clearly someone in there 20s is not too young to have such a disorder she would know this as she would have studied more in depth than i did the disorder and the studies and science on it. 

I am SO mad. i wasted my time yesterday and caused my mental health to be put under immense strain because of how i was treated YET AGAIN by professionals whose duty is to care for me. Now i am back at square one and left having to go through getting a MHA to help me with the PALS complaint process.

[fonix-girl]

One of my bosses is one of those gen x’s who rants about the lack of communication in the newer generations and how were all additcted to our phones and that’s the root of all the evil and how it’s rude to be on the phone when you’re checking out instead of making conversation with the clerk and like, I’m so done. But this is one of my bosses and she already is kinda iffy on liking me so imma go off here.

She gets irritated when my fellow work studies and I are on our phones at work. Keep in mind that unless we have a project and if we’re keeping up with the book shelving and refilling the paper in the printers, no other boss cares what we do behind the front desk as long as we promptly stop whenever someone comes up to check out a book or something, or they need help. She has no problem with me reading a physical book in my hands, but if I’m reading a book on my phone it’s apparently a problem. I see no difference, but she does apparently.

She went on a tear recently about how people don’t know how to communicate in person anymore. Really? Are you kidding me? Yea, I have a few friends where I’m at rn. But guess what. As a college kid most of my close friends are scattered across the country (if not the world), and the friends I have here have different schedules. I can comminicate in person just fine. I’m not much of one for small talk outside of work obligations, but I don’t see a purpose in chatting idly with strangers outside of my job? Sure I’ll say hi to a clerk if I’m making a purchase but I don’t need to make conversation.

She gets so frustrated when people walk around with earbuds in. “They don’t notice if someone’s talking to them!” “It’s rude!” Well if they’ve got earbuds in that usually signifies they don’t want to talk and don’t need help? I mean, I only put one earbud in myself usually, even at home, purely for safety reasons (I’m a girl, gotta be careful walking around alone), but I don’t usually want to talk to people when I’m going places? If a friend wants to get my attention they can wave or tap my arm, and I’m all theirs attention wise. But otherwise, I don’t think it’s rude to not want to uncessarily talk to strangers or people you don’t know very well, I think it’s more rude to expect strangers to talk to you, personally.

I’m very tired of these sorts of tears she goes on. I’m generally tired as a college student taking 21 credit hours and working 20 hour weeks. (Not to mention that I’ve had insomnia since seventh grade so exhaustion is like my permanent state of being.) But this woman’s insistence on small talk before I leave at the end of my shift kills me. My other two bosses (another gen x who’s generally done with everything and everyone at any given moment, and a millennial who I very much enjoy talking to) and fellow work studies try to avoid her when they leave because if she catches any of us as we’re leaving she’ll pull us into conversation.

On that note, I think she’s at least started to get the hint when it comes to me that by the time I’m getting ready to leave I don’t want to talk to anyone (mon and tues I leave at 6, thurs at 7). Because not that she realizes it, but it’s been a long day/week for me, and I’m an ambivert with a social battery that is drained at the end of the day. I’ve spent time at work helping people. I’ve been going to classes. I DONT WANT TO TALK AS IM TRYING TO GO HOME AND EAT SO I CAN SHOWER AND SLEEP THANKS. I’m not being super rude, I’m just trying to end my day.

On the note of the small talk that this boss loves and critizes people in general for not doing because like I said I hate small talk. Yes, I do it constantly st work. I do it with my polite customer service smile. And I do it because I get paid to and that’s fine. But screw small talk. If I’m not getting paid to do it I don’t wanna do it. It might just be an INFJ thing or whatever, but it’s so vapid and useless and a waste of valuable time. Also, why would I smile at random strangers? I’ve been raised being told I have to be careful with strangers, particularly men. I’m a girl who (despite knowing how to kill someone in various ways, it’s surprising easy!) doesn’t want to get into unnecessary altercations. I don’t want random people approaching me (not including work things) and talking to me? That’s not safe my dude. How do you think some serial killer lure their vics? I’ve had to many friends (male and female alike) who’ve been harassed and are to anxious to polite to tell someone to get the heck away and leave me alone—I’m not going to put myself in any of those situations if I can help it. Sure maybe it seems rude but I care more about the safety and well-being of me and mine than I do about a stranger (children being the acception, as I am a mom friend and children don’t deserve to suffer).

Idk. I don’t have much else at the moment. I’m really just frustrated with her attitude. I’m not “shy” or “anti-social” or “bad at communicating” like she tends to heavily imply. I’m selectively social and find small talk incredibly useless and a waste of time. I’m a writer. A really good public speaker. A mom friend who can generally figure out what a hurting or upset friend needs hear. I can craft pages and pages of commincation, and I have no problem carrying on meaningful conversations. I’m just a true neutral who prefers her own because they’re the ones I like. I don’t believe in the obligation to be super polite to everyone no matter what. I won’t be mean or anything unless they provoke it, but I don’t see the need to talk to strangers unless I’m getting paid or I need to actually talk to them about something. And I wish these older people who do nothing but criticize all change and younger generations would LISTEN and PONDER about why things have changed instead of saying we’re rude and anti-social. This isn’t the 50s. That picture perfect isn’t the ideal for everyone and most of us don’t want that (I mean the anti-depressant useage was higher then than any other time in American history, I friggin wonder why!). Just…don’t be so judgy. I don’t generally assume things about people (and if I do they’re shallow assumptions that are capable of changing if I gain new info and need to change) so I’m politely asking for others to do the same.

Also just leave me be when I’m trying to go home, Diane. Seriously. (And I know she’ll never see this because she doesn’t even know what tumblr is, and even if my millennial boss sees this (which she won’t she’s in totally different tumblr circles) she won’t rat me out.)

[kikisvikingservice]

y'all wanna here my work drama?

ok so I work in a family practice office as a medical assistant and ive been there for over a year now. so like we're a really big office and the NP i work with took on a now retired docs patient list. it's like a whole thing that he saw people mainly 65 and older and the patients we work with tend to have a lot of complications. so in short im kept really busy and active most days and I don't mind that! I genuinely love what im doing rn

but

these last 2 weeks have been a fucking nightmare. Like one of our np's has been out so there's an increased workload and I have not been able to keep up. finally yesterday I ended up panicking and crying to my boss because I felt overwhelmed and we came up with a game plan to combat that

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I'VE BEEN OVERWHELMED IT'S BECAUSE MY FUCKING COWORKER BELLA ISN'T DOING HER FUCKING JOB ok and like this has been an ongoing complaint for months. my other coworkers and I have gone to our boss about how Bella literally just never helps out and it's noticeable but this fucking lazy pos not only has not been doing her job but is like now playing dumb?????

like she has the same title as I do we are both clinical and have roughly the same job experience and on top of it all the np that is out IS THE ONE SHE WORKS FOR

SHE IS LITERALLY SCHEDULED AS EXTRA HELP IN THE OFFICE

so I've been sending her the shit I haven't had time to like calling patients and telling them their results and she would just

send.the.shit.back.to.me

so I confront her about it and she tells me she doesn't understand what to do (straightforward, day to day tasks that she has been doing for over 5 years as an ma) thank fucking god my boss was standing by me when I was confronting bella because she was able to see first hand this bullshit

later in the day I notice my messages that I haven't been able to really address for 2 weeks are finally getting done by this bella and she fucking teams messages me to say she's 'not mad at me and she hopes I didn't think she was mad at me :)'

i

I had to step away to calm down from how fucking angry I was

so I calm down a bit and go right up to her and ask to speak in private. so the minute we get to a room to talk i tell her I'm frustrated with her and I don't understand what the problem is.

halfway through this conversation I realize it was a mistake not because I was worried about anything negative coming back on me but because this girl is literally always the victim. I think the only good thing that came out of it is that there was an actual consequence (me confronting her and not just complaining behind her back and ignoring the problem) for her actions in the moment and I told her my expectations and what I want her to do going forward.

like I don't usually fucking care that much about what my coworkers do but don't create more work for the people around you. I just

like she was trying to tell me how stressed SHE was because she has this issue or that issue and people are mad at her and she doesn't understand why and I bit my fucking tongue so hard because I could tell her why people complain about her lazy ass but if I started I was going to say some real hurtful shit

anyway, fuck bella and her twilight ass dog name

[geminitarotmagick]

Hey im the guy of the fear related to jobs..

Thank you so much for the reading it really resonated. I'm gonna try and do shadow work because to be honest, it really started when I was 18 I think. Till then I was not really afraid. I remember when I was younger I was very confident and I didn't really care, but after working with a family member who told me that I am excellent at my job and after 1 year fired me without telling me that I'm fired, simply telling me that my job was "nothing but an experience" really put me on depression after I already had depression and anxiety. Because I was excellent according to him, and he was the boss, so I trusted his opinion, however, it turns out that he just used my imagination and productivity because I tend to put a lot of effort and creativity when I do something, and since he is my uncle I wanted him to be impressed and happy with my job. But failed.

And this time I started facing my insecurities and I felt bad. I have a crooked tooth and people say that it looks cute to me, however I can see the stares when I talk or smile, and it makes me uncomfortable, and this is one of the reasons I don't like working, because I like talking, I like communicating, I like connecting, but I can't do it when I can't open my mouth out of insecurity and awkwardness. I am an extroverted person, but my insecurities make me appear as problematic or too introverted that doesn't like hanging out, however, I'm far from that, I like connections. But My face turns red our of anxiety when people stare at my tooth, it's just a tooth, one tooth, however I can't help it but feel ugly, insecure and not able to express myself and here it's not affordable for me to fix it yet. I try to convince myself that I can manifest powerfully in order to manifest a solution for my smile. It's a chaotic situation behind this and I'm very disappointed at myself for shaking to go to work. Rn I have to find a job for the summer, and the thought of doing a mistake, panic attack or anything related to uncomfortable makes me feel panicked af. I can see my mom looking at me feeling bad for the sacrifices she have done for the family since she is a single mother, but I can't tell her that I'm afraid, even though she lowkey senses that. I have to take care of her now, and I can't because of trauma I guess, I hate this situation. I am not that person. Why am I that person? Meh

Maybe it's because I grew up feeling unrecognized and tough, because they all expected me to be the hero rich kid who will save the family, but now I am exactly the opposite, a failure. However, I believe that something good will happen, because even when I complain, in the end I believe that nothing goes wrong, but I can't do it anymore. I want to be self employed but to be self employed I need one job to save money, and this step causes me the most stress. I am responsible and trustworthy at work, so I hope I will get through this till the job will start..

Thank you so much again 👑

One thing I'd like to note here as well is that Archangel Raphael's message to you was all about showing yourself unconditional love as you heal. This stems and should be directed to EVERY part of yourself, because it's all connected. Even if you can find the utmost confidence in your work abilities and the ability to work as a team, your insecurities about communicating and people staring at you and your tooth will still linger. All that anxiety will be looking for a place to go, and it'll grab hold onto your physical insecurities and intensify those. It's a process, and definitely one that might feel slow and frustrating, but make sure to extend that love to your physical appearance too. I know that can be a very hard thing to do, but like you said, you're a very creative soul with a lot of wonderful ideas to share with the world. If the people around you can't value your ideas because they don't like the vessel that it's coming out of, then that's completely on them, and has nothing to do with you. Don't allow yourself to be convinced otherwise.

I'm also getting a LOT of pressure that you've put on yourself, and this is where his message of grounding is so important. You can't grow through these things if you're allowing so much weight to be placed on your back. You need to sit in stillness and quiet your mind, and figure out what it is that you really want? This isn't to say that providing for your mom and your family isn't important, but what is it that you want to accomplish? What are YOUR goals? What are YOUR aspirations? What are YOUR desires? it sounds like you're living for them and their goals and dreams, and if that's the case, then you'll never truly feel fulfilled. Allow yourself to discover what it is that you want and what will make you happy, and allow these things to take root in you. Once you can do that, then you won't be pulled in so many different directions. The Knight of Swords reversed is a card of scattered energy, and with so much pressure on you, you have no choice but to be in that scattered place. You need to allow yourself to gain the courage to live for yourself, not others, and only then will it be easier to let go of that anxiety, cuz right now, you're carrying other people's energy, and that is not fair to you.

Forgive yourself for any past mistakes that you might feel that you have made when it comes to work, forgive your uncle for the situation that happened with him, and forgive everyone else for putting these burdens on you.