#i do online so normally i space them out more bc i suck at constant motivation

[corpiote]

I'm gonna so busy soon😭😭 whyd I do this to myself?

[artificialwizard]

Venting and rambling about ai art discourse

Feel free to ignore this + this isnt an invitation to argue back and forth with me about ai

My tag system on main for years now has been

#art = abstract art

#representational art = all non-abstract art

( + #dreamscape = art that can't be neatly categorized as abstract or representational + art that reminds me of dreaming )

Bc at the time I created this tag system i was very fed up with abstract art and modern art being dismissed as Not Real Art by some assholes and i wanted to put abstract art first in my space and have representational art be the one that needs a descriptor to differentiate it from "normal"/"real" art

Currently holding myself back from doing something similar to be petty about the never ending ai art backlash/discourse

Haven't been posting my abstract art or ai art online much lately but i still make a lot of both (+ getting back into writing and prob won't be posting much of that either). Sharing art online, other than with close friends, seems like hell to me rn.

Maybe someday i'll start posting my art again it just sucks that anytime i go on any social media from discord to youtube theres an 80% chance i see people shitting on the artistic mediums that i'm most passionate about

And its not like the ai hate train has slowed down the rancid attitudes around abstract art lol, not that I'd stop making AI art if abstract art was more respected

Abstract art is the easiest and most rewarding way for me to express myself creatively and it gels so well with my perfectionism issues bc perfection is Not the point (except when it is, but then its an artistic choice not a constant obligation for every piece). A piece about grief doesnt need to have perfect straight lines or symmetry, the art can be messy if it suits the tone I'm going for.

And AI image and music generation is very exciting to me! I've always been curious about what it would be like getting to see the creation of a new way of making art and its been very cool being able to somewhat follow AI innovations since 2018 and then get to experiment with it myself once more ai tools became accessible!!

Whether im the ai art im making is abstract or representational, i love not having full control over the result! I love bouncing ideas back and forth with the AI. I love having to combine my visual art skills and my language/description skills.

I use midjourney et al. the same way I'd make my OCs in dressup games while brainstorming ideas. Mindless doodling that can often lead to writers block breakthroughs.

I also use midjourney et al. to make quick vent art when I'm feeling strong emotions just like I'd do in my sketchbook or in my digital art apps.

And sometimes i'm using ai to spend hours trying to make something very specific i want to create.

Idk its all just tools to me. Midjourney. Paint Tool Sai. Pen and paper. I get the same joy/relief out of making art with all of the above

Im not aiming for fame or money, i make 0-200$ a year from art, usually 0. I just want to have a little corner of the internet to share my images and reach a handful of ppl who appreciate them and want to discuss abstract & ai art with me thats it. Im not coming for your art job, i dont allign myself with corporations aiming to further disadvantage workers in artistic industries or artists who freelance

Anyway reason #2 i slowed down on posting art is grief has been kicking my ass these past 4 years. Lots of deaths in the family + death of a friend. some relationships were fractured and im grieving those as well.

Reason #3 is started full time library job in november 🎉 its wonderful and its exhausting and im still finding my rythm after years of being chronically un(der)employed and/or in college, but hopefully once life settles down more ill have more and more time to spend on art and writing

Havent vent posted in ages and it feels weird doing it on one of my art blogs so im going to end this with two of my recent(ish) pieces on grief, first made in onelab (not ai, android art app i make 80% of my digital art in) and second in midjourney

Thanks if u read all/most/some of that :)

Think i just needed to be like "man this sucks" so i can move on to "anyway! Art time >:)"

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

I hear you're really helpful with typing. I typed myself as an ENTP back in middle school but now as a Real Adult I'm not sure the skin still fits (I read descriptions of ENTPs and think, mm, sound like really immature assholes! ... Although I'm aware online profiles do have a tendency to suck). 2. I'm probably extroverted. I like to think out loud, I like to meet new people, if I give a good public speech I can live off the high for a few hours. (1/9)

(2/9) most of my introverted traits boil down to more sensory type things. I can't stand noisy places, parties or crowds make me feel trapped. Also, my very introverted family all firmly insist I'm obviously an extrovert, so 🤷‍♂️. Reading intuitive descriptions always feels like reading weird mumbo jumbo, but sensing descriptions like reading a list of things I'm bad at. I'm awful at awareness of my surroundings

(3/9)  I find driving stressful because there's so many streams of external input I need to be on top of and if I dare space out on an interesting thought I could literally kill someone. I was never in roux with my body (wished I could be a robot tbh) although after my first kid I did sign up for a dance class and it was so cool finally have my body be something other than an annoying meat sack with incomprehensible constant needs i need to constantly deal with.

(4/9) (incomprehensible = do I feel bad bc tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Guessing game time!). For me aesthetic sense basically I can turn on or off, default is off and I don't notice at all, but I can consciously turn it on so as to have a preference (what to eat for dinner) or taste (researching art styles to inspire my own). But yeah I can and have lived in a featureless white cave of a house and just don't notice/care. Thinking/feeling is complicated for me (ur not my therapist, I know).

(5/9) my family was SUPER t and looked down on emotions and stuff so, like, how much of my discomfort with emotion based values/decisions/behavior is me vs that, I don't know. I do know I read some T stereotypes and feel they're stupid. I may be shit at it, BUT being able to work with people and coordinate is how anything happens in the real world, and looking down on people skills is just a sign you're not very smart, imo. OTOH I do just genuinely love logical thinking. So sexy and satisfying.

(6/9) I work as a programmer. I love the rapid feedback cycle, I love constantly learning new things, but I think the most satisfying part is making a program "elegant". Taking a revolting mess of a four page function, compressing it into a beautiful little recursive six liner. (I also like hunting for bugs, most of the time very satisfying, and I love watching something cool emerge from what was literally nothing before). I like categorising and sorting and labeling things (see: mbti) in ways

(7/9) that reveal this underlying system that I can then apply/extend to other things. I like the satisfaction of a good explanatory theory. My husband is into solving problems with things (engineer). I'm also an engineer, but the problems that draw me are people related. Like I said, really it's all coordination problems, cooperation problems, how we can make the human system work towards a good outcome instead of getting trapped in a shitty equilibrium point.(I've worked on my people skills sm

(8/9) re p/j I have no idea. Everything stereotypically J just sounds like things I needed to learn to do as an adult? Make and follow plans and stuff. As I've gotten older, P stereotypical behavior went from being comfortable to being anxiety inducing. So gonna skip that and hope the function stack casts light on it instead. 

-----------------------------

Hi anon,

Before reading I will freely admit my first thought was probably high Ne; it is usually high Ne users who see a max character count/question limit as an invitation to reach that limit, whereas everyone else sees it as simply a thing they cannot exceed, but can fall short of.

Going through, from the start, it sounds like, barring any kind of unmentioned or undiagnosed sensory processing issues, an extrovert who is an intuitive makes sense in that you’d be excited by people but not by a lot of sensory experiences at once. This also fits with what you describe later - finding driving stressful because you can’t focus on both thoughts and the road, difficulty interpreting internal physical signs.

I definitely agree with you re: people skills (ie, hating people isn’t a sign of high intellect, but a bad grip on reality and also just probably being an unpleasant person).

I suspect you are more likely to be a high Ti user and therefore an ENTP - programmers/engineers aren’t automatically high Ti users, but I do think elegance tends to be something high Ti users strive for the most, whereas my own programming tends to be “does it work” (although also I’ve never been a programmer as a main job so the expectations and requirements for what I do are a much lower bar). Hunting for bugs and actually enjoying it rather than just wanting the code to work also sounds a lot more Ti-Fe than Te-Fi; an enjoyment more of the process than the end result.

Since you’re an adult and your Fe is tertiary (so actually getting to be pretty decent) and as you said developing people skills is just a reasonable part of life, I think developing an enjoyment of problems that involve people is probably part of that. I think the point you’re at in life and what you said about perceiving vs. judging fits well with a perceiver who is of normal adult levels of maturity. If you were a judger (and even setting aside my initial leaning towards Ne, you don’t write like high Ni user as they tend to use shorter sentences and have a very linear style vs. the more casual/digressive Ne/Si style), you would probably be experiencing the opposite experience, of slowly coming to terms with the sponteneity and need for flexibility of adult life vs. coming to terms with things like deadlines and planning which would have been more initially natural to you.

So: ENTP actually does sound like a good fit! I agree a lot of ENTP descriptions out there are written by people who seem to think interrupting with the phrase “well, actually” is a virtue instead of really annoying, so...yeah, I think it’s reasonable not to relate them and a reasonably mature adult ENTP definitely wouldn’t.

[sophocused]

pursuits of 2019 | a 3am ramble

Hi hi don't mind me as I ramble about all the ideas I have floating about my head bc it's the new year and I'm really excited.

tbh actually I think 2019 is the year I wear my clothes that actually show the shape of my body, idk I think, I've been expressing myself well with the colourful clothes, I think a lot of friends associate colourfulness with me now, which is fucking bomb. I dont even remember the days I would wear all black, or all toned down shades. But yeah for 2019, I wanna wear more non-baggy clothing, colourful just the same... I'll probably treat myself to a lil shopping spree sometime late February or mid-March. Ooo or I'll go thrifting againnn sometime then.

As for school that's coming back, thanks to friends I think the textbooks they provided me saves me $250 of textbook money, and I also switched out one of the 2000 psyc courses for anth1210 which I've been told is super easy so I'm gna work hard to get an A+. I also got psyc 2490 which is a more intermediate elective bc ik essays are involved but I really fucking interested in abnormal psychology. Maybe I can learn something about myself. learn how to help others better. how to help myself better. It's an both electives are online courses so oof I need to FOCUS. Dont get sucked into procrastination temptations and also I need to be frequent in talking to and or meeting up with the profs. I just wanna be more involved for once. I wanna show that i care about the course and not just the number being served up to me on my transcript. Bc that's really important to me in order for me to stay trying and giving a fuck about school. I need to see value in what I'm learning. It's not just a way to my degree. It's not just some stepping stone. The content is worth something to me.

So for winter term, I'm probably going to finally learn how to study in public alone. I'll be able to find more spaces too bc I no longer need places with an outlet bc my parents got me a notebook for Christmas that lasts over 10 hours so FUCK YEA it's so light I'm so happy. My back is so happy holy shit. It's going to add LEAGUES of convenience in my day-to-day uni life tbh. Taking it out during class is easy it so smol and it boots up so fast SIGH i didnt even know I wanted one hahahah I didnt think to get myself something like that or save up for it so glad my parents did. But yeah more study spaces means more practice for me to be alone in public man. I still get anxious sometimes. I feel like I'm being watched. 1. I'm more than most likely not bc everyone's doing their own thing. 2. even if they were, their eyes are just wandering like my eyes do when I casually people watch. I gotta train my mind and body dat it's not a big deal.

Anyway, IM LIMITING MYSELF TO SKIPPING NO MORE THAN 3 TIMES per class. Like I swear to god, it's a 3 strikes I'm out typa thing. Maybe I'll put $10 in a thing for everytime I skip, and donate it to a charity or something. Which isn't very good punishment since I'd be doing a good thing aaaa Idk yet. BASTA. No skipping. Fuck. Skipping was the main fucking reason I did ASS in fall term. That and alternating between "I'll do it at school" and "I'll do it when I get home" too often.

Get your head in the fuckin game nina, I dont wanna see another C or B in that transcript. B+ is the bare minimum standard now. Gotta resurrect that GPA.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. My social life is gna suffer a lil. Hi friends who I normally hang out with or see all the time. You will likely only see me once a week 😅 bc ya girl gotta study for her dreams to come true. I wanna ace human phys 2. I wanna ace microbio. I wanna ace anthropology in humanities. I wanna ace abnormal psychology. I wanna get 7 hours of sleep a night at least. I wanna be ahead in my reading. I wanna be up to date with my class notes. I wanna keep all my files organized. All my due dates organized. I wanna be able to work 14 hours a week, 5 days a week, without feeling like it's in the way of my studies and life in general. I wanna be able to see friends at least sometimes, like a lunch date, bc lord knows I've learned that I cant study as much as when I'm alone compared to when I'm with other people.

I'm gonna cook more often at home too, or do something like that, I hadn't cooked since summer bc of how school got, and thanks to my fam for understanding, but I gotta do my part in the house. take initiative. keep laundry folded gdi. I dont like coming home to a room with a mountain of clothes to fold in a corner and a desk where I can barely see my desk. It just drains me. So knowing this, I'm reminding myself the way I like things, where I want things to go, and what I need to do to get them there.

uh ah uh okay something I realized has been extremely apparent for most of 2018. to put it bluntly, I dont see myself as someone other persons could romantically love. Not after christian tbh. before you think it's because I dont like myself, I love myself. I'm so fucking great at loving myself. The thing is, I worked really hard to love myself, and I'm a constant fluctuating work in progress. and thats not even romantically. so, it just feels like that's how it would be if any other person were to try and love me, that's a whole lot of time and effort, and they'd have to want to want to love me in the first place. THAT sounds like I a lotta work. I dont want to put that pressure on anyone??? I think I'm only making half any sense bc another part of me wants to probably say, "ofc there are people who will want to be with u, u acorn". SO I'm gna follow that little voice this year. Last year I shunned it and focused more on platonic love and woo yeah it's so strong, theres nothing stronger.

I'm gna find me a girl. or a mans. depends who I end up meeting first. I know if it's a girl it's tricky bc how do I know if she's into girls too without exposing that I'm trying to find out if she is for the sole purpose of wanting to flirt with her??? I only just recently embraced my attraction in 2018 so it's like... I got no practice in actually flirting with women. I barely have practice flirting with dudes. Anyway ANYWAY, I'm just letting the universe know that if they got someone in store for me in 2019, my arms and mind are open as hell. I'm gna love them so healthily and we gon have such a fulfilling and respectable dynamic. we're gna be so perfectly imperfect bc we gon understand that we're just people and cant be each other's sole source for all kinds of love and energy, that would otherwise be given by many different types or friends and family members even.

WOW I'm really sleepy hmm maybe I'm finally all rambled out.