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shefanispeculator · 3 years ago

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I'm slightly disappointed to log onto Zoom and find Gwen Stefani in Los Angeles. I wanted to see the ranch. Stefani spent most of the pandemic in Oklahoma with her fiancé and fellow The Voice coach Blake Shelton, with whom she has recently collaborated on a string of country radio hits, alongside a kitsch Christmas song. For a ska-pop superstar, it's a pivot, but Stefani and Shelton are cute together — picture-perfect in their opposite attraction.

Country Gwen exists, her urban counterpart assures me, but on this particular MacBook she's nowhere to be seen. I'm not sure what crude regional stereotypes I was expecting (Stefani spitting sunflower seeds? Shelton line dancing in the background?) but I get Californian sunshine instead, illuminating a version of Stefani more familiar from my teenage years, when Love. Angel. Music. Baby and its follow-up The Sweet Escape spawned millions of fans, haters and imitators. She's platinum blonde, red lipsticked and wearing a black-and-white outfit that matches the decor. The checkerboard pattern can be traced back to an even earlier era, when Stefani and her No Doubt bandmates were '80s teenagers obsessed with two-tone acts like Madness and The Specials.

Cowboy boots wouldn't fit this picture, and nor would Stefani's glitzy showgirl outfits from The Voice, where she just wrapped another season as a celebrity coach. As she prepares to release her fourth solo record, and enters the fifth decade of an extraordinarily successful music career, Gwen Stefani is re-re-branding as... Gwen Stefani.

Top: Local Boogeyman, Pants: GCDS, Shoes: Valentino, Earrings, bracelets and rings: Dena Kemp (The Residency Experience), Necklaces: Gwen's own, Engagement ring: Gwen's own

"But what is that?" Stefani asks with seriousness, as we consider the possibility of some essential, inherent Gwen. "Everyone's interpretation of what I am and how I sing, I mean, that's what this era is about for me."

Said era kicked off late last year, with the music video for "Let Me Reintroduce Myself." It saw Stefani playfully revisit the wardrobes of album cycles past, from the ab-bearing tomboy tank tops of "Hollaback Girl" to the club kid blue hair mascara of '90s No Doubt. Her Harajuku Girls also make a return. The entire visual is a huge flex, not only for the sheer volume of iconic career moments recreated in dutiful detail, but the fact Stefani can still fit into the clothes originally worn during all of them. She looks eerily the same, frighteningly good, ageing in reverse at the same pace as her frequent collaborator Pharrell.

"It's really a blessing to be able to have such a long career, where there really is nothing to prove anymore."

Pop stars are expected to be young forever, in looks but also in their capacity to innovate new trends. Which makes the nostalgic music video a curious choice. Doesn't Stefani know by now that the cardinal rule of pop is to avoid repeating yourself? That even the hottest artists in the world are basically required by law to create completely new eras from scratch every six months in order to appease fans and maintain maximum TikTok-ready relevance?

Of course she does, but that doesn't mean she has to participate. Stefani isn't trying to chase down her contemporaries, despite clearly possessing the physical fitness required. "It's really a blessing to be able to have such a long career, where there really is nothing to prove anymore," she says. "It's a different energy. You know, it's really just about doing it to do it, as opposed to trying to make a statement or make a mark."

Corset: Ronald van der Kemp, Bracelets: Dena Kemp (The Residency Experience), Earrings: Lana Jewelry (The Residency Experience), Engagement ring: Gwen's own

Even the Saweetie remix of her latest single "Slow Clap" happened on a whim, after the younger artist happened to post a video of herself vibing to Stefani's 2004 single "Luxurious" on Instagram Stories. They knocked out the song and accompanying video in a day. Neither seems bothered by the Old Navy meme. "It was just this little video that we did on the fly," Stefani says. "It just happened. It just feels good to put new stuff out there."

Stefani completed a two-year Vegas greatest hits residency in 2019, which gave her a sense of perspective on her own legacy. "You make a new record because that's what is exciting for you," she says. "But people really just want to hear the records after a while that were the backdrop to their lives, a 'Don't Speak' or a 'Just a Girl' or a 'Hollaback Girl,' or whatever it was for them. So, you know, it's hard — you can only be new when you're new, and that's just the truth, and I know that."

She says she was pleasantly surprised that "Let Me Reintroduce Myself" charted at all, and that she only found out it did when Shelton walked into the kitchen to show her the iTunes numbers. "I burst out crying with joy, because it was like, 'Whoa, really?' I think I'd set myself up to be quite realistic about where I'm at."

Stefani, endlessly polite and self-deprecating in conversation, which on her end mostly consists of endearingly earnest run-on monologues, says she still has "tons" of insecurities. I get the impression she has been trying harder to give herself credit lately. She recalls recently hearing Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" on the car radio and finding herself in awe of the song's timeless catchiness.

Suit: Balmain, Earrings and choker: Lana Jewelry (The Residency Experience), Necklaces: Gwen's own

"But then I started thinking," she says, in a goofy Cher Horowitz tone. "Like, I have a few of those myself." She talks of this realization as a genuine breakthrough, which is a little worrying for a woman who has sold 40 million records. No shit, she has a "few of those." More of them than Lauper, actually.

More new music is coming along slowly, but I've caught Stefani on a day when the horizon looks closer than usual, and while things haven't quite fallen into place yet, she's feeling more confident that they eventually will. "I'm at the end," she declares. "The idea of going for a session and not being with my kids or the idea of taking time away from Blake doesn't fuel my fire like it did two months ago. I need to decide, wrap it up, put out the project."

Crucially, there's no rush. The album will simply arrive sometime this year, tracklist and title currently undecided.

"You're talking to me at a weird transitional time," Stefani says repeatedly throughout our conversation, which sometimes takes on the cathartic tone of therapy. But having time in the first place is a new feeling.

Bracelet and choker: Dana Kemp (The Residency Experience), Obsession necklace: Lidow Archive, Gold necklaces: Gwen's own, Clothing: Blumarine, Boots: Philipp Plein

NO DOUBT WERE A BAND for nine years before getting on the radio. Enough time for Stefani and bassist Tony Kanal to be in a long term relationship then break up and write a whole hit album about it. All of the Fleetwood Mac drama was resolved pre-fame, which enabled the group to capitalize on the surprise success of Tragic Kingdom singles like "Don't Speak" and "Just a Girl" with a world tour that lasted almost three years. Three more albums followed, and Stefani has reinforced her household name status in every decade since, launching a solo career and multiple fashion lines while never totally cutting the cord from her original musical project.

In other words, record executives have been dictating Stefani's schedule since the mid-'90s. She even sings about it on Love. Angel. Music. Baby opener "What You Waiting For," in which her biological clock ticks like a metronome. Interscope Co-Founder Jimmy Iovine, who discovered No Doubt and continued to work with Stefani on her solo output, was quick to point out that his client's prime childbearing years were also her last opportunity to cross over into pop stardom. And after her first record went number one, it only made sense to lay down some new tracks straight away.

"Whether or not I get the response that I would hope to get — because that's what I'm used to, because I'm so damn spoiled and I've tasted the blood of success — I still got to do the creative journey."

"I had the baby, the first one, and it was only like eight weeks after I had him, that Jimmy was calling me saying, you've got to go in the studio with Akon," Stefani recalls cheerfully. "Like, Akon wants to work with you. Like, no, I'm nursing my baby. But then I couldn't say no." And then? "We wrote 'Sweet Escape.'" And then? "I went on a world tour." And then? "In the month that I got home from that one hundred and whatever shows it was, I got pregnant with Zuma. So then that was that." (It wasn't. Admittedly: "Then it was like, No Doubt, let's do another record.")

Things are different now: "You can just drop singles and you don't have to put a record out. But if you want to put a record out, you can work on it slowly." But even as she talks of slowing down, speculating that she might not even go on tour after the pandemic ends, in the next sentence Stefani's back to admitting that there's more work to be done, that she wants to write a couple more songs for her new record, "just to make sure."

Earrings: Lana Jewelry (The Residency Experience) Choker: Chanel, Necklaces: Gwen's own, Gloves: Laurel DeWitt, Top: Local Boogeyman

"The creation is the thing that fuels me so much," she says. "Whether or not I get the response that I would hope to get — because that's what I'm used to, because I'm so damn spoiled and I've tasted the blood of success — I still got to do the creative journey."

Like any good lyricist, she reaches out to her listener, hoping to convey a more universal point. "It's just probably the same for you as a writer," she guesses. "You know, it's the anticipation. You're in it now. You're getting the information. This is what you live for. You're doing the interview and then you're going to write it. And that's going to be the challenge."

GWEN STEFANI WAS PUTTING out diary entry pop when Olivia Rodrigo was still in diapers and Taylor Swift was but a humble Pennsylvania Christmas tree heiress. She struggles to pen lyrics that aren't confessional ("I'm not a creative writer when it comes to like, 'Oh, let's just write a sad song about something that didn't happen to me'"), and occasionally re-traumatizes herself when performing old hits. Return of Saturn deep cut "Dark Blue" triggers "crazy, just horrible" recollections of a past relationship. Even "Don't Speak" felt emotional onstage in Vegas.

But after releasing an excruciating divorce album, This Is What the Truth Feels Like, in 2016, Stefani is back to writing happy songs only. She's getting married, after all. She won't be releasing any of her trademark breakup anthems anytime soon. "Girl," she laughs, "I think I've had my fair share."

Bow: Laurel DeWitt, Earrings: Lana Jewelry (The Residency Experience), Bracelets: Dena Kemp (The Residency Experience), Shirt: Vintage Archive, Dress: Erdem, Tights: Capezio, Shoes: Marc Jacobs (Lidow Archive)

Stefani and Shelton's relationship has puzzled some fans. Shelton, a country radio phenomenon, never endorsed Trump in the 2016 election, but he did come close. Earlier this year, he was criticized for releasing a song called "Minimum Wage," about finding small joys during periods of economic struggle, at the peak of a recession.

Is Gwen Stefani a Republican now? She's not offended by the question, or really anything I have to ask. She has been famous for so long that she expects and even embraces scrutiny. "If you're going to be a star, that's what you get," she says. "You know what I mean? You get what you get, and you don't get upset, at all."

As for her politics, it's read-between-the-lines."I can see how people would be curious, but I think it's pretty obvious who I am," she says. "I've been around forever. I started my band because we were really influenced by ska, which was a movement that happened in the late '70s, and it was really all about people coming together. The first song I ever wrote was a song called 'Different People,' which was on the Obama playlist, you know, a song about everyone being different and being the same and loving each other. The very first song I wrote."

One of very few multi-racial bands playing stadium shows for hoardes of American teenangers in the 1990s, No Doubt did very literally embody those second-wave ska principles of inclusion. Stefani even wore bindis and saris on stage as a symbol of cultural exchange with Kanal, who is Indian-American, briefly kickstarting a white girl facial jewelry trend that it's safe to say would not fly in 2021.

Rings (left): Dena Kemp (The Residency Experience)

"The Specials and The Selecter and all those groups, and what they were doing in the late '70s was this whole kind of anti-racism, we come together, Black and white ska movement," Stefani elaborates on the band's founding principles. "And we were sort of echoing that in the '80s when we did it, we were like the third generation of ska."

Ska she's always happy to discuss, but Stefani was brought up to keep her electoral preferences personal, and that rule has held for her entire career. "The whole point of voting, is you have this personal space to feel how you feel," she explains. "I use my platform to share my life story and to engage with people and to exchange whatever gift I was giving. I'm not a political science major. I am not that person. Everyone knows that. So why would I even talk about it?"

"I don't need to go on Instagram and say 'girl power.' I just need to live and be a good person and leave a trail of greatness behind me."

It never has been. Looking back, it's weird that "Just a Girl" is so integral to Gwen Stefani's brand. She's never written anything else with remotely the same message, and or publicly identified as a feminist. To Stefani, it's just a song about growing up, and "all of a sudden you realize your gender." It wasn't meant as a protest or anthem: in fact, being her breakout hit, she didn't think anyone other than her bandmates and some local fans would ever hear it.

"I don't even know if I knew what feminist at that time was," she says. "I was very sheltered growing up with my family. I wasn't political. I wasn't angry." Even now: "I don't need to go on Instagram and say 'girl power.' I just need to live and be a good person and leave a trail of greatness behind me. Stop talking about it and stop trying to bully everybody about it. Just do it. And that's how I feel like I've lived my life."

WHEN STEFANI WAS GROWING up in 1970s Anaheim, her father got a job doing market research for Yamaha, which required frequent business trips to Japan. He'd bring home Sanrio toys, as well as anecdotes about the Tokyo district of Harajuku, where teenagers were dressing like Elvis, and "taking all these American things and making them Japanese." His daughter was entranced. "He would be telling me these things my whole life, like my whole life. I had a deep fascination."

So when No Doubt played Japan in 1996, Stefani describes, "It was a pretty big deal for me." The tour was the first time she'd traveled outside of the United states, save one trip to Italy when she was 21. "I just was inspired," she recalls. "It's a world away. And at that time it was even further, because you couldn't see it on the internet. I don't think a younger generation can even imagine what it's like to not have access to the world."

From then on, Japan became one of Stefani's biggest career motivations, especially when it came to her solo albums. If she could just write more hits, she'd get to tour there again, see the street style, visit the vintage stores. "If you read the actual lyrics [in 'What You Waiting For?'], it talks about being a fan of Japan and how if I do good, I get to go back there," she says.

In the meantime, she decided she'd bring Japan to Los Angeles. "I never got to have dancers with No Doubt. I never got to change costumes. I never got to do all of those fun girl things that I always love to do. So I had this idea that I would have a posse of girls — because I never got to hang with girls — and they would be Japanese, Harajuku girls, because those are the girls that I love. Those are my homies. That's where I would be if I had my dream come true, I could go live there and I could go hang out in Harajuku."

Earrings, bracelets and rings: Dena Kemp (The Residency Experience, Gold Necklaces: Gwen's own, Top: Local Boogeyman, Pants: GCDS, Shoes: Valentino

Dancers Maya Chino ("Love"), Jennifer Kita ("Angel"), Rino Nakasone ("Music") and Mayuko Kitayama ("Baby") would go on to accompany Stefani for her next two album cycles, dancing on stage and in her videos while also making silent, but very well-dressed, awards show appearances. Kita, who'd grown up in LA, visited Japan for the first time on Stefani's tour.

In a 2006 interview with Blender magazine, comedian Margaret Cho compared the Harajuku Girls to a minstrel show. The backlash against them has been consistent ever since. Stefani, to this day, disagrees.

"If we didn't buy and sell and trade our cultures in, we wouldn't have so much beauty, you know?" she says. "We learn from each other, we share from each other, we grow from each other. And all these rules are just dividing us more and more."

Hello Kitty merch was harder to come by when she was a kid, but in other ways, life felt easier. "I think that we grew up in a time where we didn't have so many rules. We didn't have to follow a narrative that was being edited for us through social media, we just had so much more freedom."

Earrings, bracelets and rings: Dena Kemp (The Residency Experience), Necklaces: Gwen's own, Dress: GCDS, Shirt: Faith Connexion, Tights: Capezio, Shoes: Marc Jacobs (Lidow Archive)

Stefani's penchant for rule breaking has always been apparent in her music as much as her aesthetic. Genre-wise, she's a randomista. The chart success of No Doubt's bouncing ska beats felt like an accidental post-grunge-era glitch in the matrix, and it's insane to this day that one of Stefani's biggest solo hits samples "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof, by way of '90s British dancehall duo Louchie Lou & Michie One. That another, "Wind It Up," features earnest Sound of Music yodeling.

"I just make up whatever comes out," Stefani says of her songwriting process. "I don't even know where it comes from. I feel like it just comes from the source. It's not trained, and it's not perfect, it's just real."

She looks back on the Love.Angel.Music.Baby era as unusually experimental and artistically fulfilling. "It was just a really incredible time, and a very creative time. I feel like it was just a really creative project."

STEFANI VIEWS HER CAREER success as mostly a matter of luck. Pop stardom is God-given and mysterious."Because the fact I made it, it doesn't make any sense," she reflects. "It's written in the stars. You know what I'm saying? I'm not the most talented. I'm not the most pretty. I'm not the most smart. None of those things. But I made it, right?"

Clothing: Blumarine, Bracelet and choker: Dena Kemp (The Residency Experience), Obsession necklace: Lidow Archive, Gold necklaces: Gwen's Own

Every week on The Voice she watches objectively gifted musicians fail at becoming artists. "I watched people that went through that without seeing their faces, without knowing what color they are. And I chose the ones that pulled my heartstrings. And even though they were so talented, none of them have had careers. It's made me look at myself and even feel even more amazed by the fact that anyone cared or cares."

If all of this is actually so out of her control, then Stefani feels safe stepping back a little bit. "I don't have that fuel in me like I used to, because I already won," she says. And now she has other victories in mind. "Being a good human, a good mother. I want to have a good marriage. I want to be a good wife. I want to win at finding peace. I want to win at finding other hobbies that I'm good at."

But at the same time? "If I'm inspired, I'm going to try to do something with that inspiration." That's the most fun part: whatever else comes after has always been an amazing bonus.

The "Let Me Reintroduce Myself" era, whatever form it may eventually take, isn't a desperate grab at former glory. It's Stefani refusing to evolve for the sake of it. She's poking fun at the whole idea of having to compete with past personas alongside current ones, while acknowledging the fact she's grateful to still be in the game at all.

"You don't know what you're doing," she says, somehow both confident and resigned. "You're a cartoon of yourself at this point, and you don't know what people are thinking. They're wondering, what? Why are you still here? And I'm like, I don't know. They said I could be here. So I'm here!"

Photography: Jamie Nelson Styling: Nicola Formichetti Hair: Sami Knight Makeup: Michael Anthony Nails: Carolyn Orellana Wardrobe director: Marta Del Rio Production: Katrina Kudlick Digitatech: Sean MacGillivray Logo design: Luca Devinu Story: Kat Gillespie

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jougogo · 4 years ago

Text

young & beautiful - iwaizumi hajime

a/n: hello. this broke me when i wrote it. literally, 3am and full on sobs. also, a large part of this fic was inspired by a book called hotel on the corner of bitter and sweet by jamie ford. it provides a lot of insightful views about japanese internment camps in the united states during wold war 2, so if you’re interested i would highly recommend reading it! this is a songfic to young and beautiful by lana del rey but i would recommend listening to summertime sadness as well, also by lana del rey. CLARIFICATION; this fic is set in the ww2 time period! and i like to think that iwa is a lil younger here, so maybe like 15-16? anyways ENJOY MWAH

warnings: mentions of war, racist ppl >:( and v angsty!!

wc: 2.1k

I've seen the world, done it all

Had my cake now

Diamonds, brilliant, in Bel-Air now

Hot summer nights, mid July

When you and I were forever wild

The crazy days, city lights

The way you'd play with me like a child

he knew that this would be the last time he sees you.

you.

the same one wearing those new blue jeans even though it’s mid-july and the air is sickeningly humid, sitting with bare feet dangling over the edge of the rooftop at 4am, with hair softly rustling from the occasional cool breeze that made the hot california summers more bearable.

"hey, i guess this is the last time we’ll meet on this rooftop, huh?" you said, looking out at the sleepy city.

"don't say that! you know it’s not true," he quickly chided you, but the break in his voice told you the opposite of what he was trying to convince you. what he tried to convince himself

hajime put his arm around your shoulders and sat down next to you

the two of you looked out peacefully at the quiet streets of san francisco from the top of your shared townhouse building.

it was almost like little stars, the way that spots of brightness from the city lights were scattered sporadically through the darkness.

"you know, if we get caught for being out this late at night, we would probably die. if the police catches us for not respecting the curfew, we would be in so much trouble. especially with the new relocation orders that the president signed, and the war hysteria, and not to mention the curfew that the government set-" he started, but was interrupted by your dreamy voice.

"i know. but i've seen the world. i've had my cake, you know ? i'm content if this is the way it ends, even if it's not me wearing diamonds and having a mansion in bel air, " you chuckled.

"hey! those were movies. they don't count as seeing the world. and also, diamonds and bel air? pfft, as if you could ever," he rebutted playfully. ever since he was a kid, he would always make it a point to take you downtown to the movie theatre and watch whatever happened to be playing that day. to be honest, he would've never stopped if it weren't for the war.

"oh, hajime. just let me dream a little, alright?" you huffed dramatically, earning a small smile from him.

the dim streetlights from the road provided just enough light to illuminated your features. oh, how he wished he could burn this memory into his mind forever. the way your eyes reflected the moon, the corner of your lips turned upwards just so slightly, a couple wisps of your hair framing your face with the rest pulled back into a lazy braid, held together by a single red ribbon.

red.

the color red.

it brought him back to one of his favorite childhood memories; when the every neighborhood in their little japantown would come together to celebrate new years.

the popping firecrackers, the festive lanterns and fiery signs hanging by the doors.

a time when he would explore the different stores, hand in hand with you, and later chasing you down the sloped streets for taking a bite out of the snack he bought. giggling as adults scolded them for being reckless and wild. his mouth watering as the women of the neighborhood carry out trays upon trays of delicious food, the feeling of present a warm meat bun in his hand, chimes of “itadakimasu” ringing around him. not a care in the world, just pure joy and happiness. it was always what he looked forward to as a child.

oh, what he wouldn't give to go back to those days

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Will you still love me when I got nothin' but my aching soul?

I know you will, I know you will, I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

"will you still love me when i'm not young and beautiful?" you asked softly, pulling him out of his thoughts. he felt your small fingers wrap around his, clasping his hand. "what if the next time i see you, i'm old and wrinkly like a raisin?"

"well, i'd be a wrinkly old raisin too. so what? it doesn’t make a difference in how much i love you, " he replied nonchalantly

"then will you still love me when i’ve got nothing left but my soul?"

upon hearing you ask yet another question, hajime stiffened

"stop asking silly questions," he finally managed to mumble out, hugging his knees closer to his chest.

"you know. they force you to leave behind all your belongings. they take everything away, iwa-chan." you spoke softly. "i'm leaving behind all my important stuff at the basement of the panama hotel. they're really nice people, you know? for letting us keep our stuff there. maybe, if we both come back, they'll still be there and we can look through our old pictures together." you said quietly, twiddling your hair ribbon between your fingers. your hair was wavy from being in the braid all day, and now they were finally freed.

free. how he wished he could be free from all these restrictions again.

he tried to think about happier memories, but everything became painful as the realization dawned on him that he will lose everything. it was inevitable. the little grocery store around the corner owned by that old married couple his mom always talks to? they were escorted away weeks ago. the ice cream parlor he loved because they would always give him extra whipped cream for ordering in japanese? shut down by the government's order. he remembered the harsh words he had heard from a group of protesters when he biked past the golden gate park on his way to run an errand for his mother.

"all japanese are dangerous. they are traitors to the country,"

and that’s when he noticed their pointed glares at him.

“i was raised here! i’d never be a traitor!” he so desperately wanted to yell. but his body told him to keep pedaling away, as fast as he possibly can.

seeing people with these horrible prejudice against him, a stranger, even a kid whom they’ve never met, felt like a stab to the heart

but it also angered hajime to no end

it was the biggest lie he's ever heard. dangerous? that's not true. ok, maybe there were a few pervy geezers, but he knew that this community that he loved was anything but dangerous.

so why are they the one being punished?

he knew he would lose everything eventually. he just didn't think he'd lose the love of his life so soon.

her family had gotten the notice two days ago.

"sacramento. and maybe oregon. probably washington, even idaho" you had told him.

somewhere far, far away from him

he had heard that the concentration camps, or "relocation centers," as the news had put it,

were cold.

the images of concrete, barbed wire and cramped spaces, the stories of families working relentlessly from day to night only to be treated like prisoners, and the thought of sleeping on the freezing floors filled his mind. just thinking about it made him shudder, but the scariest thing was that he doesn't know when his family will be next

growing up, your family and the iwaizumis had been neighbors. he lived on the first floor, and you lived above him. the two of you had bonded over your parent’s chatting, and having each other for dinner was a common occurrence. his parents treated you as their own child, and your parents did the same with hajime. heck, no one would bat an eye if you announced that you were going to sleep over at his house because you two practically lived together.

you were his first love. his best friend. every moment of his childhood, had been spent with you.

you were the ribbon that held him together through his messy life, and now he was losing you

overwhelmed, he could feel his throat began to tighten. his breathing became heavier as he tried to blink back the tears that welled in his dark green eyes.

"hey. you can cry on me, if you want." you comforted him. it was like you could read him like a book, because he frantically sputtered out an excuse

“what are you talking about? and also, to answer your dumb question, i'll love you no matter what. i don't care how long it takes, or what we look like, or-"

you hovered your finger above his lips, gently shushing him.

"i know you will, haji, i know that you will," you said softly as you caressed his cheek. he looked away, but he couldn’t help but choke out a sob

you patted his head and pulled him into a hug, burying his face into the crook of your neck. warm tears dampened the sleeve of your shirt.

"please. please. i don’t want you to leave," he mumbled into your shoulder as you ran your fingers through his messy black hair.

Dear Lord, when I get to heaven

Please, let me bring my man

When he comes, tell me that You'll let him in

Father, tell me if You can

All that grace, all that body

All that face makes me wanna party

He's my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds

“maybe, one day we'll see each other again.” you said when he finally lifted his head.

you stood up and held out your hand to him, an offer to help pull him up since he was probably sore from sitting for so long

however, he didn’t let go of your hand once he stood back up.

“dance with me?” he asked, sniffling and wiping away the last tear.

you nodded, and he began to sway to the faint sound of jazz music coming from the nightclub a few blocks away.

“hey, this is our swing dance routine from PE in 7th grade,” you smiled fondly at the memory as he twirled you around him, only to twirl you back into his arms. nodding in confirmation, he dipped you gracefully, his strong arms wrapped around your waist.

that’s when he noticed the tear trickling down your cheek. it faintly sparkled in the moonlight, similar to how a diamond would.

“i’m going to miss you, hajime iwaizumi from the first floor. thank you for making me happy,” you whispered, looking up at him. he pulled you back up, and held you in his warm embrace.

“even if we don't see each other again in this life, i'm sure i'll find you again. if you’re good, maybe i’ll see you in heaven. be good, haji. be good for me. promise?” you muttered into his chest before pulling away to look him in the eyes.

“no promises. you might have to beg god to let me in.”

“ok. i’ll see you in heaven, hajime,” you whispered, cupping his cheek

and that’s when you pulled him down for a kiss. it was a light, almost featherlike, brush across his lips. your elbows were resting on his shoulders, and your forearm crossed behind his neck. hajime leaned his forehead against yours, the tips of your noses just barely touching

“can we stay like this, for a little while longer?” he asked breathily, still reeling in shock from his first kiss

“mhm. i love you, hajime.” you answered, gazing into his pretty green eyes as they fluttered open.

in the distance, you could see that the had sun begun rising over the horizon, enveloping the two of you in the warm light of morning. you basked in the serene orange glow, admiring every feature of the beautiful boy in front of you.

“i love you,”

he can’t wait to find you again.

tags!! @deadontheinsidebut (ilysm mwah ty for supporting me!!) @aka-a-shii (here you go i hope you enjoy bby!!!) @toshisgarden (mwah mwah ilysm)

#haikyuu!!#iwaizumi hajime #hq iwaizumi #iwaizumi x reader #iwaizumi oneshot #iwaizumi angst #haikyuu angst #iwaizumi imagine #iwa-chan

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mrsmaybank · 4 years ago

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Six Months - JJ x Reader Angst

Summary: After a huge fight, JJ and the reader break up. Six months later, they see each other again.

Inspired by Born To Die by Lana Del Rey :) Listen while you read!!!

Content: Angst

TW: Language, Angst

A/N: Kinda sucks, kinda long. Sorry :(

“JJ, I swear. Get the fuck out of my face.”

This was your biggest fight with JJ ever. You were both stubborn, and hot-headed. Like two toxic versions of each other, and in the back of your head, you always knew this relationship was born to die.

“Y/N fucking listen to me! You have to!” he shouted back at you.

You laughed sadistically, “That’s where your fucking wrong JJ. I do not have to listen to you! Nothing that comes out of your mouth can be trusted anyways.” You spat.

He scoffed, “Why?”

You practically screamed. Was he seriously going to play dumb right now? “You lied to me, made me feel like shit, all so I could hear from Topper of all people, that you fired a round of shots at a Kegger at the fucking boneyard? Give me a fucking break JJ. What was going through your fucking head? Oh I know. Nothing. You don’t think before you act. And that-” You scoffed, “That’s fucking dangerous.”

“Oh god, alright mom. This is the way I have to handle things.” He got up into your face and looked right into your eyes, “Some of us have real problems that need to be dealt with. It’s something you wouldn’t understand.”

You spoke before thinking, “I’m not your mom JJ.” You stepped away from him. “I actually give a shit about you.”

His eyes immediately filled with rage, he ripped the necklace he’d gifted you from your neck. Throwing onto the floor before telling you coldly, “Get the fuck out of here.”

Your eyes stung and tears flooded out, “You piece of shit.”

You ran out of the Chateau hysterical. The pain was visceral, and hard to put into words. You hopped in your car and drove through the dark road fast, too fast. The street lights were blurred with tears as you raced out of The Cut. You never wanted to be on this side of the island again, a burning sensation that your parents and old friends were right. JJ wasn’t for you. He was a reckless and stupid piece of shit, and you couldn’t change that. You arrived at your house for the first time in days, your mother opening the door to see you in tears, with a look on your face she wouldn't forget. It was the look of heartbreak and remorse. She bit her tongue, not wanting to tell you, “I told you so.”

You old-new friends didn’t give you that courtesy. The first time they saw you, their words were filled with fake pity and intentions of embarrassing you, with cruel jokes pointed at JJ just to see if they could get a rise out of you.

“How’d your mission trip to The Cut go?”

“Is Pogue sex crazy?”

“Did you feel like a Red Cross worker or something?”

At first you’d defend The Cut, but slowly you just laughed. Your break-up with JJ made you want to be something completely different. You wanted to change everything JJ liked about you. And slowly, you did start forcing yourself to change. You shallowly enjoyed the luxuries you were privileged with, instead of shenanigans in the van, your weekends were filled with country clubs, coke and Kooks. It was all meaningless though, as time continued, your pain could no longer be numbed with a false new identity.

It had been 6 months, half a year exactly since you’d seen or talked to JJ. You had a few words with John B and Pope, but they were short and dull, them mostly being weirded out by you now that you weren’t with JJ.

The only one who had made an effort to keep in contact was Kie, and today was her birthday party. No matter how fucked up things had ended with JJ, Kie was your friend, and not attending her party would make you a bad one.

You showed up to the Boneyard, a keg already set up and reggae music blasting. It was mostly Pogues and Tourouns, barely any Kooks seeing as this was Kie’s party. You quickly said Hi to Kie when she split from the other pogues for a half a second. She gave you a warm hug and told you to have fun. She’d invited you out of courtesy. Not out of friendship.

You sighed and decided your best option was to get absolutely fucking wasted.

Two hours later, you were on the hammock, beyond drunk. Your soul ached for JJ. All you wanted was his arms around you and his lips on yours. You wanted to tell him you loved him, and that you were sorry. That he was your world, and you were so wrong. But you couldn’t, you just couldn’t.

Had JJ known you were at this party, he probably would’ve been a mess. The only person who was going through it worse than you, was him. He was heartbroken and angry with you, but he’d lost the love of his life, for what he thought was forever. He’d seen you while working on Figure Eight, happy with your Kook friends and lifestyle. He’d noticed how all his favorite things about you had seemed to change. He couldn’t help but feel like he was just a phase in your life. A phase that you were relieved to finally be done with.

His coping mechanisms were Pogue-style sure, but similar. Partying, weed, meaningless hook-ups, but he didn’t have any methods to completely change who he was, even though he wanted to.

Tonight, he had been macking on a blonde Kook named Cassie, who he thought had the potential to be the next Kook turned Pogue. He hadn’t realized, but he was trying to find your replacement, and it was not working at all.

He led her towards the hammock, unbeknownst to him that you were sitting upright in it. Sobbing hysterically.

When you saw him, his arm around the waist of Cassie, your soul left your body. You gasped for air and a sob left your mouth. He quickly pulled away from her instinctively. ‘Get away from me.” he told her. She just scoffed and walked away.

You vomited, and passed out.

You woke up on JJ’s chest, his hands gently caressing your forehead. You looked around, JJ not noticing you had woken up. You guys were in JJ’s room in the Chateau. You felt his hands go into your hair, giving you light scratches on your scalp, just like you would do to him.

You felt tears fill your eyes, mostly because you knew how much you missed this, and how much you would miss it tomorrow and the next day, and the next one. You twitched a little, and he peered over, his bloodshot eyes looking into yours. You twisted upwards looking directly at him. He’d been crying. He gulped hard, “Can we talk?”

#jjmaybank #jjouterbanks #jjxreader #jj maybank x reader #jjmaybankxy/n #jjobx #obx #outerbanksimagine #jjimagine #jjobximagine #jjmaybankimagine #jjxreaderangst #jjangst #jjobxangst #obxangst #angstjjobx #outer banks

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supermanshield · 4 years ago

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A Weekend in Smallville

Summary: Amid a town coming together in the aftermath of an alien invasion, Bruce meets Lana, learns a little bit more about Clark, and reflects on his place in Clark’s life and rural Kansas.

Or: Bruce in Smallville. Goes about as well as you'd expect.

Words: 7,217

Rating: Teen and up for like one swear word and mentions of sex.

Read on AO3 or continue reading here!

-----------------------------------------------

Dinner had been put away and Bruce had once again taken his place at the table, papers and laptop laid out in front of him. Various people from town, and eventually some Leaguers (and shouldn’t that raise some suspicion? No one paid attention here) had been walking in and out all day to get a bite to eat. The old wooden floorboards were littered with dusty footsteps, but Martha Kent was on the couch, too exhausted from providing for everyone all day long. Jonathan wasn’t much better off after driving around town and helping his neighbors. Bruce would sweep up the dust for them when he was done working and before he flew back for the night.

“We’ve rebuilt what we can right now, with the available materials. It’s not much, but at least people will be able to sleep in their own home right now.” He must be tired too if Clark could sneak up on him like that.

“It’s something,” he sighed. “I’ve been on the phone with contractors all day to procure the necessary materials and workforce. The more elaborate structures might be repaired within the month.”

Clark grabbed a glass of water and slumped down in the chair across from Bruce. Even he seemed tired, which should be impossible, but seeing your hometown in shambles and its people in distress all day will do that. Even to Superman.

“Rest of the League?” Bruce asked.

“Barry and Hal helped all day. They went back home just now. J’onn went back to the watchtower and Diana had other matters to attend to.”

Bruce nodded. It was time he got back to Gotham as well. With a bit of luck, he could charter a jet to fly back tonight and still get a couple hours of patrol in. He told Clark as much and started putting away his papers, but Clark grabbed his hand when he went to close the laptop. “Bruce, wait… It’s Friday, why don’t you stay the weekend?”

A weekend in Kansas, with nothing to do but help at the farm… While he loved the Kents, that wasn’t Bruce’s idea of a productive time. They still had to figure out what had led the aliens to Smallville of all places, and what they wanted. No, he could be of much more use elsewhere.

Before Bruce could reply though, Jonathan shot over his shoulder from where he was sitting in the living room, “We got that queen size bed for your room, Clark,” and Martha added, “You’re more than welcome to stay, Bruce dear.”

Great. Clark looked at him expectantly, still holding his hand. “It’ll be fun. And wouldn’t it be easier to start investigating here what those aliens wanted?” Clark knew exactly what to say to keep him around. He had other obligations, though.

“You know I can’t.”

“Aww, come on, Dick and Tim can watch over Gotham. And they’ll have backup from Cass, the Birds of Prey…” Clark’s voice faded, his eyes drifting down. “And you have to let those ribs heal properly. Finally.”

Something in Clark’s voice said he would just keep Bruce here if he threatened to fly back tonight. Bruce sighed. The only appealing thing about the queen size bed was the fact that he and Clark didn’t have to literally sleep in each other’s arms all night like before. Although it was going to be another warm night so he might just kick Clark out anyway. He could sleep floating in the air for all he cared.

“Fine,” he grumbled. “I’ll just have to make some phone calls to set things in motion back home.”

---

The new queen bed stood proudly in the middle of Clark’s small room, with Clark seated on the edge now, observing Bruce put his things away and taking off his jacket. At least Alfred had packed one extra set of clothes.

When he was done, he turned around and looked at Clark, who looked as if he was debating a life or death situation, and as always, Bruce wondered what he would ask. It didn’t take long.

“Wanna go out tonight? Have you ever been to a real midwestern bar?” Bruce only knew of one bar in Smallville, and it was in no condition to operate right now. Still, he felt a vague sense of excitement at Clark asking him out in his hometown. They hadn’t done that before. Every time they had been in Smallville together so far had been for something serious. Clark’s parents, Clark’s temporary loss of powers, Kara, Conner, and even once for Damian, to recover from a nasty concussion.

“It’s open? Didn’t half the roof and the back wall get blown up?” he asked Clark.

“Already boarded up. And yeah, there’s a lot of people there. Something about celebrating your whole town surviving an intergalactic attack, maybe, who knows.” Clark shrugged.

“Hmm. They got karaoke?”

Clark’s eyes shot wide open. “Yeah!”

“One of those bull-riding things? Because I would beat the crap out of everyone.”

“Sorry to disappoint, but no. There’s another bull you can ride though,” Clark grinned and hooked his fingers through Bruce’s belt loops to pull him close. He felt his heartrate spike and really, this is why they should’ve just gone back to Gotham.

“Not here.”

“Jeez, no, of course not.” Clark kept looking up at him though, still waiting for an answer. He was truly tired, but also mildly curious to Smallville nightlife. If anything, Clark would make it more fun. Maybe he could beat him at pool or darts or something, and then maybe they could make everyone and themselves believe that they were normal and just have an average date night out.

“Alright, just not too long. And I’m gonna beat you at whatever bar games they got,” Bruce grinned.

“At karaoke?”

“Maybe we’ll do a duet, who knows,” He winked and freed himself from Clark’s grasp. The other man stood up and hooked his arm through Bruce’s offered one. “What say you, Clarkie? Let’s get to that bar o’ yours,” he continued in his worst midwestern accent.

“Not like that you aren’t. You’ll stand out way too much in your dress shirt and Armani pants.” To his horror, Clark turned around towards the closet in the corner of the room. Oh no, whatever he kept here was probably worse than the rainbow cacophony of shirts he had in Metropolis.

“Short sleeves or long? It’s pretty warm.”

Bruce debated his options. Better get this over with quick and hopefully painless. “Long, and I’m keeping the pants. I am not wearing your old jeans.”

Clark threw a shirt at him. “This one has the most black I think.” It had black alright. And red. Straight-up lumberjack. At least the fabric felt nice. “I’ve also got an old blue and white Henley, but it’s pretty worn down. What do you think?”

“I’ll go with the lumberjack,” Bruce mumbled.

------------------------------------------------

"Lana, Pete! How are you?" Clark hugged his friends in the middle of a loud, crowded bar, filled with the continuous strings and drums of country music. They had been here for just over an hour and Bruce was on his second beer, something he didn’t do all that often. They kept getting interrupted by people that knew Clark, and Bruce was enjoying himself less and less. Lana he hadn’t met before yet, though, and he had to admit to a quiet curiosity, with the way Clark talked about her and all. (Clark’s enthusiastic ‘My friends are your friends’ from earlier rang in his ears and he forced his mouth into a smile. He would do anything for that man.) His train of thought got interrupted by Clark’s warm hand on his shoulder. "This is Bruce!"

Lana was dressed in jeans and a blue t-shirt that didn’t completely cover her shoulders, her auburn curls doing that instead. Bruce grabbed her hand to shake it, but it got answered swiftly by a peck on his cheek. He introduced himself to Pete as well, a scrawny guy, who was somehow allowed to wear a crisp white dress shirt, unlike Bruce. He was starting to feel like maybe Clark had played him and shot him an accusatory look.

Lana turned back to Clark. "We came over as soon as we heard you were in town! Couldn't pass up the opportunity you know?"

"Great to see you Clark,” Pete joined in. “And, you know, Smallville could really use some extra hands right now.”

Clark laughed awkwardly. “Yeah, gee, what did you guys get yourselves into this time?” Before the alien invasion became the talk of the day, he quickly changed the topic. "How's little Clark?"

"He's great! We’re lucky we could get a babysitter this late, but... Are you still here tomorrow? You should come by to see him!"

"We’d love to, yes.”

The conversation carried on for a while, as Clark and his friends obviously had a lot to catch up on. Bruce felt strangely intruding. He considered to start looking for that darts game, right as Lana turned to him.

"So, Bruce, how are you? You from around here?"

"Gotham.”

"Oh, one of Clark’s city friends! What's it you're doing all the way out here?"

"Bruce is my boyfriend," Clark said and grabbed his hand.

"Oh, Clark... Really? That's awesome!" She turned to Bruce. "I've heard him drop the name a couple times… Didn't know you were so handsome!"

"And I'm a billionaire, too!" Bruce chimed, automatically kicking into Brucie mode. Clark rolled his eyes.

“Wait? Bruce Wayne? The Gotham pl… philanthropist?”

“That’s me.”

Lana’s whistle got lost in the music, but the look she sent Clark said it all. "Wow, Clark, not becoming a gold-digger are we...?" Clark put up his hands in defense, but she continued quickly. "How did you two meet again?" Clark’s flat "work" got lost in the music too, and Bruce didn't hear anymore after that, because he could see the wheels turning in Lana’s head as she turned back to Clark and made some joke about journalistic integrity. Her whole expression had changed though, and Bruce turned away from the bar to start walking towards the exit. Fresh air. Did he make a mistake? Slip up? Maybe it was the beer. He needed fresh air. The door was too far and it took too long to push through everyone, but eventually the stars looked down at him, the door slammed shut and the music got abruptly replaced by late-night Kansas silence.

Bruce looked around himself and quickly regained control of his breathing. The parking lot was half-empty, Clark’s beat up truck tucked away in the far corner. He’d be out here soon. He was probably making excuses to Lana and Pete right now to start looking for Bruce.

It wasn’t long before he heard the old rusty door slam shut again.

“She knows.” The calm in his own voice surprised Bruce.

Clark walked up to him. “She's the first person I ever told."

"You saw the look in her eyes, she's putting one and one together right now, and I…"

“Bruce, stop. You don’t know that, and besides, I trust Lana.”

“You could have at least told me, warned me.” Trust was a burden in Bruce’s life, and an unnecessary slip-up had revealed who he was. He should have asked Clark who they could have run into, a stupid mistake. "I'm walking back to the farm," he said resolutely.

“Hey, what? It’s fine. Stay.” Clark grabbed his hand, but Bruce quickly pulled away. He really didn’t have time for this.

“I’m done here. This was a mistake,” he bit back, and turned around to start walking towards the exit of the parking lot.

"At least take my car? Bruce?"

"No."

Clark was beside him before he could blink. "Bruce."

"I'm walking to the farm and taking my car back to the airport and to Gotham. I'll have Alfred prepare some documents and have a hefty sum of money send Lana's way."

“What? Bruce, baby no, you don't have to do that,” Clarks hand were on his shoulders and he was forced to look straight into those blue eyes. Unobscured by glasses. Idiot. “Lana is my oldest friend. I trust her. Look, I’m sorry this happened. But maybe she hasn’t figured it out and we can still…”

“It’s too late for that. All I can do now is make sure nothing else gets compromised.”

“For fucks sake, Bruce, I’m trying to tell you, it won’t.”

“Until it will.”

Clark let out a huff of breath and closed his eyes. “At least talk to her.”

If it were anyone other than Clark, he would have just walked away. But alas, here he was, with Clark in front of him. The only man that could convince him to do something as ridiculous as wearing a lumberjack to a midwestern bar, and reason his way into Bruce’s mind just like he had wiggled his way into Bruce’s heart. Bruce crossed his arms. “Fine.”

“Good.”

“I’m still walking back to the farm.”

“No karaoke?”

“Forget it, Clark.”

“Ok, whatever, you’re tired. Get some rest. I’m gonna hang around here a bit longer. Here,” Clark pressed his car keys into Bruce’s hands and kissed him on the cheek.

When Clark was back inside the bar, Bruce debated walking back anyway and tossing the keys somewhere in a field for Clark to find. Exhaustion soon enough took over his anger though, and the adrenaline dissipated. Clark should consider himself lucky.

---

Clark’s ‘I’m sorry’ and chaste kiss on his forehead woke him up briefly barely an hour after he’d gone to bed.

“Still mad.”

He heard Clark flop on to his back and chuckle quietly. “And still here.”

“Quite the observation you made there.”

“Well, I learned from the best.”

“Obviously.”

Whatever Clark said after that was lost on him, and he turned around again to face the other way and closed his eyes.

------------------------------------------------

The next morning, as Bruce walked down the creaky stairs, hair still damp from his shower, the smell of fresh coffee approached him pleasantly. There was a lot more work to do in town, so Bruce had really made an effort to get up early, but he still found Clark at the kitchen table with a half-eaten stack of pancakes before him. There was toast, yoghurt and fruit laid out for Bruce. Martha knew him well.

“So, what’s the plan for today?” he asked Clark as he took his seat. Jonathan walked in through the kitchen door, his brow already covered in sweat.

“Dang dust is making it so much harder to clean,” he said as he wiped his handkerchief over his forehead.

“Oh shush Jonathan, you need to eat something and drink plenty water. The boys will be there to help soon.”

“I’m staying all week, pa,” Clark clarified.

“Alright,” Jonathan said after he gulped down his water. “Just came back to get some more tools.” Martha walked him to the door and Bruce heard her say to slow it down, especially in this heat and Jonathan’s yes, yes you know me probably sounded funny to himself, but clearly not to Martha.

Clark looked at him over the cup of coffee he was pouring for Bruce. “So I take it you’re staying?”

“If you’ll have me, yes.” He still wasn’t sure how to feel about what happened last night. It seemed like something so avoidable, something Damian would definitely pin on him for being careless. And his son would be right. As much as he wanted to blame Clark, it was largely his own fault. The wrinkles disappeared from Clark’s face as he smiled and passed him the coffee.

“J’onn contacted me about the aliens this morning. They’re Zandrian. He’s been interrogating them, and it seems as if they were looking for some signal here.”

Here, as in Smallville. “Your Kryptonian ship.”

“Most likely, yes.”

“And why is it still here?”

Clark swallowed his bite. “Thought it was harmless. It’s never sent out any kind of signal, not now either. Nothing I can sense at least.”

“Radiation?”

“Perhaps. So, that’s what we’re doing today. I’m taking the ship to the north pole and I wanted to ask you if you could take a look at the barn.”

That sounded like a plan. Something where Bruce could be useful. “Okay. I’ll need some instruments from the cave though.”

“I’ll pick up whatever you need. But first… Baby time!” Clark grinned. Bruce nearly choked on his coffee. “Eat your breakfast. Lana’s expecting us.” Clark got up and started putting things away, clearly way too excited for this.

“I have to see her right now?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” He quickly drank the rest of his coffee. “The sooner, the better.”

“No scary batshit, Bruce,” Clark pointed a finger at him. “We’re there for the baby.”

---

Lana and Pete’s place was another old farmhouse, not too far from the Kent’s, so they walked there. Lana inherited it from her aunt after having lived with her most of her life, Clark told him. Bruce had sweat stains under his arm by the time they reached the house. Maybe he should have opted for one of Clark’s t-shirts and ugly cargo shorts today.

The breeze blowing through Lana’s living room and being out of the sun helped though, and Lana served them lemonade with ice cubes. Bruce sat down on a chair and Clark took his place on the large couch.

“I’m sorry Pete couldn’t be here, you know how he is with the store.”

“Is it bad? We can go help if he needs,” Clark offered, verging on apologetic.

“He’ll be fine. I’m sure you both have more important matters to attend to.” She looked at Bruce when she said it, and he cleared his throat.

“Just. Make sure he asks if he needs. We can provide,” He settled on, hoarsely. The bat was barely audible in his voice and Clark should be proud. He nodded at him from where he was sitting on the couch. It could wait.

They got startled by a baby’s cries, and Lana disappeared out of the living room. She came back in with Clark (the name still irked Bruce, even though Clark had told him the child wasn’t named after him but after Martha’s maiden name – because yes, that made it less weird somehow). “Look who’s awake!”

The child on Lana’s arm looked around drowsily, clearly unsure how to feel after waking up from his nap and being greeted by two strange men.

Clark reached out his hands and Lana placed the baby in his lap. Bruce knew he was around 5 months old. Clark had been there for the birth but hadn’t had much opportunity to see him after that. Lana sent him many pictures and videos though, that Clark would show Bruce late at night in bed, and they would laugh at the child’s antics and giggles. The learning curve of young people was incredible.

The child was slowly waking up in Clark’s arms and started making more sound. Not crying, he was content, and Bruce wondered if he knew instinctively that Clark’s arms were the safest place on earth. “He likes me,” Clark grinned up at Lana when the baby grabbed his fingers.

“Of course.”

Bruce felt stuck in place, captivated by the sight. Clark looked so incredibly at home, so natural with a child in his arms that held on to Clark’s pointer finger with a force as if he did it every day and was decidedly not named after Clark. Bruce quickly swallowed around the lump forming in his throat before his thoughts would betray him anymore and moved from his chair over to the couch to sit next to Clark.

When Lana walked back into the living room with pie, she took a picture of them, and that would probably make this day a lot harder to look back on later, but right now Bruce didn’t care. The baby was on Clark’s lap, looking up at both of them and laughing. Definitely at Clark sticking out his tongue and making cooing sounds. Bruce didn’t do that. Until he found himself mimicking the baby and trying to get him to laugh. Damn mirror-reflexes.

He tried not to think about what he had missed out on with Damian. What Damian had missed out on. Instead he put a hand on Clark’s back, and held it there while they both continued to make ridiculous sounds and faces at little Clark.

---

When Clark left to take the rocket ship to the North Pole, Bruce went to work on the barn. Though, not before he did change into Clark’s old Henley and cargo shorts. Alfred would kill him if he got any more dust on his nice clothes.

The hatch in the floor of the barn was open, and the space underneath now empty. There had been some radiation coming off of the ship itself, but it was faint and not nearly enough to hurt anyone. Bruce doubted he would find any more in the rest of the barn, and considered other forms of signals the aliens could have picked up. Lower frequency wave lengths, maybe.

Nonetheless, he went around the hole in the ground methodically, scanning every scrap piece of metal, rock, and dirt. He swept it clean too, and took any tools that were still there out to examine them later in the barn. There was a large box, all the way at the back, that he skipped at first, but knew he eventually had to get back to as well. Getting it out was no problem, he could lift it over his head and slide it onto the barn floor easily, but he had a feeling what might be in there.

After cleaning the other tools and logging anything of interest he could find on the metal and rocks, he went back to the box and opened it. Sitting on the floor, he stared down at pictures of Clark, a baseball and bat, scrap of red fabric, a pair of extremely worn down and no-longer-white converse.

“Haven’t seen that thing in a while.” Jonathan’s voice startled Bruce as he walked into the barn and took his cap off.

“Hmm. Sorry, I was cleaning, we thought…”

“I know. You don’t have to apologize. I’m sure you know what you’re doing.”

“What happened to the baseball?” Bruce held up the ball, split clear in half and its threads loose.

“Was the first one Clark hit clear across Smallville. I looked for it for six months on the other side of town,” Jonathan answers proudly. “The shoes are from when he first outran the car.”

“That must’ve been something,” Bruce huffed. He got up. “So this is a reminder. Of what he can do.”

“Oh, I don’t need to be reminded of that,” Jonathan Laughed. “But I kept the memories because I knew he could never belong to us. Never belong here. He belongs to everyone, out there.”

Bruce thought about that. In Smallville, Clark was clearly at home. “I don’t know. I think he belongs right here, in the center of it all. I haven’t seen him so relaxed and… happy in a long time.”

“Bruce, son. As much as Clark is still a small-town boy - and will never not be -, I know he is happy right where he’s supposed to be, with you.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he told me.”

As Jonathan left the barn again, Bruce felt in the back of his mind the creeping feeling that he could never give Clark what he had left behind here. That he could never be what Clark truly wanted. Because as much as he hated Smallville’s openness and missed the gothic stoicism of Gotham, this place was everything Clark stood for. It was everything Bruce was not. Somehow, somewhere along the way, a mistake had been made, one that Bruce would have already undone were he a stronger and less selfish man.

------------------------------------------------

Bruce would never tell the man as much, but Martha’s sandwiches were far superior to Alfred’s. Maybe it had something to do with working outside all day that made the sandwiches waiting for him taste just that much better.

He had considered multiple times during the day to beam up to the watchtower, but he didn’t have his suit, and finally settled on just contacting J’onn about his progress with the aliens and the mediocre findings of his work in the barn. Maybe it could help, as J’onn was still in contact with the creatures after they had quickly been escorted away by the Green Lanterns. Hopefully, some negotiations were all that was needed to keep them away.

---

As the day progressed, and Clark didn’t return, Bruce worked himself to a sweat multiple times. In Smallville, he wasn’t expected to be Brucie Wayne, because no one knew who that was. But he wasn’t Batman either. It was as if he was back in training, another nobody working long days in the sun, sweat forming a sheen on his skin, and exhaustion putting him to sleep in the afternoon heat on the porch. No, he decided, this was as far from his training days as possible, and allowed himself to relax.

As the sun started setting, he ended up in the kitchen with Martha to prepare dinner. She knew he wasn’t very skilled around the stove – courtesy of Alfred’s warnings -, so he was put on vegetable cutting duty. That was fine. He used to do it all the time with Alfred as a child and still did sometimes. The methodical slicing of the bell peppers, potatoes and onions kept him focused and calmed him down.

Just as dinner was almost done and they were cleaning up the kitchen, a familiar sound followed by creaking floorboards and the opening of the screen door made Martha jump. Bruce smiled. Maybe the smell of dinner had made Clark fly back a little faster.

“Oh, Jonathan! He’s back!” Martha shouted while putting her tea towel down and practically skipping towards the screen door. “Hey, ma. Pa,” Bruce heard from his place in the kitchen.

“Are you okay? We got worried, you stayed away so long…”

“I’m fine, ma. Just some miners in South-Africa that got stuck.”

“Told you the boy was fine, Martha.”

Bruce washed his hands and was drying them when he walked out of the kitchen and into the hallway, where an adult, 6 foot 3 tall man in a Superman suit was hugging his aging and tired parents. Bruce felt painfully out of place, but it quickly subsided when Clark looked up at him. “Hey. Little detour there.”

“So I heard.”

Clark walked over to him and kissed him chastely on the lips. It was the kind of kiss you give your significant other in front of your parents or your children, or when you return home from work after a long day. A type of kiss they had shared many times, to the children’s (and especially Damian’s) horror, but that here, in Smallville, made Bruce feel as if they were normal. As if they could be normal. As if he always helped Clark’s mom with dinner and worked long hours in the sun with his dad. Though, as quickly as the kiss ended, the feeling fleeted and Bruce felt like himself again. They broke apart and Clark looked him up and down.

“You look dashing in that ensemble Bruce, who picked that for you?”

Right. He was still wearing the Henley. And the ugly shorts. A pair of his own limited edition and now-brown sneakers to top it off. “Oh, thank you, just a simple get-up I found in the dumpster here.” He made his way over to the stairs, and Clark followed him with a grin.

“You boys be down soon, dinner is ready and I’m setting the table outside,” Martha warned as they made their way upstairs.

In Clark’s small bedroom, they both changed into something more appropriate, and Clark combed down his wind-swept hair. Bruce turned to look at him and waited for him to be done.

“Your ship?”

“Buried it next to the Fortress.” Bruce nodded approvingly. Clark set down the comb, but as he did so he stared out the window into seemingly nothing, his brows furrowed and drawn together. The miners. Bruce walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Clark sighed, but still pulled Bruce into a hug. “Thanks for asking.”

Clark hugged him with an intensity that made it clear that it was needed much more than the kiss from before. “Just… It was stressful,” he sighed. “Those miners. I couldn’t just drill them out, it took hours.”

Bruce nodded and angled his face towards the crook of Clark’s neck. He smelled like dust and a vague hint of sea-salt, and definitely needed a shower, but the crisp clean t-shirt was all Martha’s laundry detergent. As they stood, Bruce felt the tension leave Clark’s shoulders and his grip loosen, and he looked back up at him. Clark’s eyes had regained their usual shade of blue and the lines had disappeared from his forehead.

Bruce tried a smile and grabbed Clark’s hand. “Come. Dinner’s waiting.”

---

After dinner, Clark somehow got them excused from doing dishes and took Bruce by his hand out into the garden, and to the barn. Bruce thought about telling him about the box he found, but didn’t. Instead, Clark asked if he wanted to for a walk and grabbed a picnic blanket.

Their walk was laced only with the sound of cicadas, and took them away from the farm uphill where the low grass gave way to bushes and trees. They stopped at the top of the hill.

“I don’t know why it is you’re taking me here,” Bruce said as Clark laid down the blanket on a patch of very dry grass.

“I thought we could enjoy the night together. Just the two of us.” Clark’s smile was much too innocent as he sat down and patted beside him for Bruce to sit.

“We had a fight.”

“Yes. And I love you. Please tell me you haven’t been thinking about that all day. I thought we were okay just now.”

Bruce sighed. “My secret identity got exposed. I’m not okay with that.”

“You wanna talk about it? Did you get a chance to talk to Lana?” Clark prompted.

“Not yet. But I’m… sorry. For the way I reacted last night.” He sat down next to Clark on the blanket.

“I’m sorry too. I should have let you know.”

“Does Pete know?”

“Yes, although he doesn’t really acknowledge it. We barely talk about it.”

Bruce huffed out a breath of air. They were surrounded by small, green trees that gave way to a view of the corn and grain fields below. The sun was inching closer to the horizon and it had finally started to cool down a little bit. Next to him Clark was looking at him, but he wasn’t sure what to say.

Clark shifted and settled behind Bruce, trapping him in between his legs and large arms, which Bruce allowed. It was painfully clear that Clark knew just what Bruce needed, and where that used to irk him to the core and make his skin crawl, he now welcomed it, leaned back, and let himself relax. It was easier to talk when you didn’t have to look the other person in the eyes.

“That should have been you, Clark,” he started. “A house in Smallville, wife, child... sometimes I don’t understand why you left this place at all.” This whole weekend felt like the first time he was really in Smallville and had seen what made Clark, Clark. A reality that he wasn’t a part of and only allowed a glimpse of, by some miracle.

“So you do like it here,” Clark said. When Bruce didn’t say anything to that, he continued: “I knew I had to give that up a long time ago. And, just between you and me, I'd say we have the most awesome family in the universe.”

“But we'll never have that. A child all our own. You could have.”

“I know,” Clark whispered into his hair. “Is that something you would have wanted? If…”

“Even if it was technically possible, the moral implications are just... I wouldn't want to bring a child into this world. Into our world,” Bruce mused out loud.

“But It is technically possible. Conner.”

“Conner is a clone. And we’re lucky we found him when we did.” He had turned into a wonderful kid, a good crimefighter even, but he had his unpredictability. They didn’t know nearly enough about his physiology, his lifespan, his unpredictable moods. Clark squeezed his hand.

“And if we were normal?”

If they were normal, Clark would have stayed in Smallville, and they would have never met. And Bruce, as a rule, did not think in hypotheticals. Not like this. Yet, he heard himself answer without hesitation. “Yes.”

“Me too,” Clark’s lips were on Bruce’s ear in a way that was not quite a kiss. It was an affirmation, taking Bruce in, this moment, his scent mixed with that of Kansas, and a gush of breath that ghosted through Bruce’s hair. Clark’s breathing was grounding, a dull constant in the midst of the song of the cicadas, the feeling of dead grass under his toes and the Kent’s old picnic blanket under his fingers. It was all wrong.

“Don’t you wonder what would have happened if you had stayed? With Lana?”

“Once or Twice, a long time ago. But I left here to find myself. I never fit in here, never really belonged here. You know that.”

“You do, though. You’re much happier here. Yourself.” Bruce turned to meet Clark’s blue eyes, the smile lines visible even on Superman’s perfect skin. “And I don’t,” he breathed in. “I don’t fit in here. With you.” The smile lines disappeared.

“Bruce… Why would you think that?”

“I feel like this is the first time I’ve ever really been in Smallville. Stopped and looked around. Like I’ve finally seen the last piece of the puzzle that is you.”

“And everything else completes it. You complete it. I belong to you.” Clark put a hand over his heart. “And you belong to me. Don’t you ever forget that.” Clark’s blue eyes under his furrowed brows pierced right into his soul, something he had discovered a long time ago he could not ignore.

In a different life, Clark might have stayed in Kansas. As it was, they had found each other elsewhere amid their hectic lives, in some twisted inescapable fate. An alignment.

“Hn. You’re still a Kansas boy at heart.”

“And you like that.” Clark’s smile was back. The one that regardless of the Kansas sun or Gotham greys or Metropolis shine brightened up his life and Bruce found himself smiling back in return.

“Can’t say that I don’t.”

“So… now that you’ve got me completely figured out…”

“Hmm?”

“Where do we go from here?”

“We have sex. That is why you brought me here, right?”

“Bruce!” Clark covered his mouth with his hand in a fake gasp. “I can’t believe you think of me that way.”

“But you did.”

“Can’t say that I didn’t,” Clark smirked, put his hand on the back of Bruce’s neck, and kissed him.

------------------------------------------------

In the middle of the night, the queen bed was too big and Clark should be right on him, spooning him, and cooling him with freeze breath. So Bruce rolled over into his space, and Clark – half asleep – happily put his arms around him. He could be a selfish man if Clark was too.

------------------------------------------------

On Sunday morning, the clouds started gathering and simultaneous to the electric tension of a storm building in the air, the people of Smallville let out a collective sigh. Soon, they would get some rain.

After a quiet Sunday breakfast and Clark’s parents had returned from church, it was off to town in Clark’s old truck. Jonathan had taken his newer one, full of materials and tools, and Clark and Bruce would do clean-up together and haul away rubble to a nearby depot. Main street already looked more lively than the day before, with most of the rubble gone and gathered in piles. People were walking around and making small talk, a stray door was being hung back into its hinges. The few buildings that had any structural damage had been taped of, and shattered windows had been boarded up, but the wind had picked up and blew the dust away, clearing the air and everyone’s mood.

On the way to and from the depot, Clark rolled down the windows and sung along with the songs on the radio, missing some of the words and looking over at Bruce every now and then.

He watched Clark, sunshine ever present in his skin and smile. How he was in such good spirits while literally cleaning his hometown after an alien attack was lost on Bruce. But then again, Clark was usually in a good mood if he was able to help someone. Even though he was doing it as Clark Kent now, and couldn’t use his super strength to haul stuff into the truck, or maybe because of that.

“It’s fine, B.”

Bruce hummed in response.

“I hope you had a good time here, despite everything.”

“I’m still having a good time now.” He immediately regretted saying that, because Clark mistook it for him liking his singing and continued on for the remainder of the ride. Really, it was Clark’s enthusiasm that made it tolerable. Bruce felt content to just watch, and breathed in the Kansas air, and tried to store away this memory forever.

---

When they were back in town, Clark stayed to help Pete at the store while Bruce went to the local hardware place to get some more supplies. He found what he needed and was waiting in line when he felt someone approach him from behind.

“Hey, Bruce.” He turned around to face her.

“Lana. Hello.”

“You got something that needs fixing?” she smiled at the small box of screws and plugs in his hands. He looked at the people in line behind her, all getting something, even if it was just a nail to hang up a picture that had come off the wall during the attack.

“More than one thing, I’m afraid.”

Lana huffed. “Smallville will be fine. I hope you’ve been enjoying your weekend here at least?”

“It’s been…” Eye-opening. New. Necessary. “Different,” he settled on.

“Ha! I believe that, coming from the big city and all.” That obviously wasn’t what he meant, but he assumed Lana knew that.

It was Bruce’s turn to pay. He put down a 20 and accepted his change, stepped aside to let Lana pay. “Walk with me,” he commanded when she was done. They reached Clark’s truck in the middle of the sunlit parking lot. Bruce held on to the keys in his pocket and missed the protective confining warmth of his cowl.

When Bruce didn’t say anything, Lana cleared her throat. "The way Clark talked about the bat always made me think he was in love with him. Glad to see it worked out." It was a good thing Lana was just as blunt as Clark. Something about rural Kansas, he thought. He couldn't help but feel a smile tug at the corner of his mouth.

"Sorry, it just wasn't hard to connect the dots. You’re him, right?”

Without hesitation. "Yes." The things this town did to him were beyond his understanding. Small town life brought out the truth easily. Here, there were no covers required, no masks. It’s the same reason why he could have found the last piece of Clark, only here.

"Look, Bruce. I know how important the whole secret identity thing is to Clark. Think he can count on one hand the people that really know him."

"More like three hands now with my children and the league." There was that incessant tug at the corner of his mouth again.

"You're a father."

"Not in the most traditional sense of the word, but yes." He leaned against the door of the car. Lana seemed to think about that. Batman and Robin. What it implied. Bruce braced himself for the passion of a young mother, but it never came. Instead she swallowed.

“I did love Clark once, but I knew I could never be what he needed. I’m glad he found someone,” she paused. Looked up at Bruce with her brows drawn together. "Your secret is safe with me Bruce."

That was the issue, though. No secret is ever safe with anyone, because then it wasn’t a secret anymore. He gritted his teeth, swallowed. He thought of Clark, how he would put his warm hand on his shoulder if he were here right now, how he would say once again that it was fine, Lana could be trusted. Clark’s closest friend, first love, and the person that knew him best before he became who he had to be. Lana was to be trusted. Bruce sighed.

"I just need you to sign some documents, and get your contact information in case something gets compromised."

Lana nodded. "Sounds fair."

He opened the car door and climbed in. Lana put her hand on the open window. “It was nice meeting you, Bruce.”

“Likewise.” He paused. “I’ll make sure Clark gets you those documents.”

“Alright,” Lana laughed and waved at him as he started the car. He wondered how much of Clark had rubbed off on her during their childhood friendship and dating through high school. Or maybe it had been the other way around. Clark probably wouldn’t be who he was today without her, or without anyone here for that matter.

------------------------------------------------

The jet was placed imminently in front of them, Smallville and its normalcy reduced to a memory on the far horizon. Bruce turned around and looked at Clark, his hair windswept and glasses placed awkwardly back on his nose. Here to see him off to Gotham.

“Thank you for having me.”

Clark laughed. “Thanks for staying.”

“I would almost say it would be acceptable to do this again some time.”

“Almost?”

“Well.” Bruce shrugged. “Minus the alien invasion.”

“Of course. 4th of July? Bring the kids?”

“That could turn out worse than an alien invasion,” his own laugh surprised Bruce.

“I mean… we’ll have Alfred to keep them in check,” Clark argued. “Ma would love having all of them over.”

“I’ll give it some consideration, then.”

“Hmm, so that’s a yes?” Clark grabbed his waist and brought his face close to Bruce’s. His triumphant, beautiful grin was the most annoying thing in the world that Bruce could only wipe off with a long, slow kiss.

Behind him, the engines of the plane roared and it was really time to say goodbye. To Clark, if only for a couple days. To Clark’s parents. To Kansas. Godawful, unpredictable, and beautiful Kansas. Just like its most important (former) inhabitant.

------------------------------------------------

Out of the window of the jet, he watched Clark, the town, and finally the cornfields disappear, and he sighed contently. Smallville. His secret was safe here.

#superbat #write write #I worked on this for like two weeks and i'm like genuinely proud of it #farm fic #pls don't be weirded out by baby clark.#...it's canon

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werezmastarbucks · 4 years ago

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Whitmore Guy: scheming

whitmore guy masterlist

word count: 1986

music: lana del rey - salvatore, twenty one pilots - anathema

He was still giggling minutes after they left.

“Why the long face?” he asked, as they were walking up the stairs. “Still upset about that necklace?”

“FBI’s not good news, Mal”, she said and scratched her nose.

“Because of all the vampires in the town?”

“Exactly”.

“Well, then, it’s not good news for them”, Mal shrugged, “don’t you guys, like, hide the bodies very well?”

“Didn’t they seem a bit off to you?”

“There we go”, he chanted apologetically, “you’re paranoid. They gave me an impression of very unprofessional guys who need more sleep. What did you read in their faces?”

“You yourself acknowledged that their question about odd weather was ridiculous”.

“And that’s what it was”, Mal stood at her door, holding onto it, his other hand resting on his hip. Y/N just noticed that he was wearing a t-shirt with a Xenomorph and a Predator stylized as Beavis and Butthead. Mal could be many things at the end of the day, but there was no arguing that this t-shirt was one of the coolest Y/N’s ever seen in her life.

____________________________

Y/N rarely needed someone, but when she did, Mystic Falls folk was always there. That was one thing Mal didn’t understand about them, being here for not too long, and not getting into the depth of what living in the most cursed town in the country was like. Damon might be a jerk; he’s cold, brusque and condescending, but he also saved her life not less than thirteen times. Getting a bit angry was his way of caring. That is, it of course didn’t mean they didn’t try to change him.

The warmest of them was Elena Gilbert. Who didn’t know her? She didn’t even visit Whitmore because she was always busy at the hospital, but Mal managed to hear everything about her. That she’s stunningly beautiful, that she’s got the most tremendous hair and a face like a doll, that she’s a very promising young nurse and that she’s engaged to Stefan Salvatore, the marble boy, as Mal called him.

There were unbreakable ties. And they always found a way to ring when bothered. And they always vibrated when an emergency council was needed.

Everybody had a specific place in the Salvatore living room: Caroline always sat in the middle of the big couch. Elena usually was prepped to her thigh. Alaric preferred the little armchair turned against the window, so that he doesn’t have to touch knees with anybody. Stefan always stood at the fireplace, like being a little away helped him concentrate better. Damon sat on the armrest of the big couch, or shuffled around with bottles at his alcohol table. Bonnie walked to a fro, annoying him beyond belief. Y/N liked to take any free space and stretch out her legs, but it had the be the spot from which she could see Damon’s sanctuary and wink at him when she needed a drink. He was always happy to contribute to somebody’s alcoholism. He liked drinking buddies.

“Okay, we have two things to discuss”, Caroline said in her general of army voice, and Y/N almost expected her to pull a huge notebook and a pen out of her bra.

“First: the weird FBI guys who pissed Damon off”.

“I said, nosy FBI guys, not weird”.

“Whatever. And the dinner party that Y/N’s organizing this weekend. I suggest we start with the important stuff”, Caroline’s cat-like eyes pierced her with attention.

“How many people are we talking? What music will you have? What is the theme? Any team games in plans? What’s the menu?”

Y/N smiled as Bonnie rolled her eyes, and nodded to Damon. The vampire moved to his special table without any hurry.

“I also have a question about it”, Ric raised his hand, “can I skip?”

“No”.

Y/N’s been thinking about the ways she could grab Mal by the ass. Except literally wanting to do it, maybe, one day in the future; against all her instincts warning her, she meant to expose him and his lies. And she needed everybody to be there. To hang out with him in an enclosed space. She imagined this going all the unexpected ways: Elena sniffs something out on him, or Caroline notices that he takes the fork in the wrong hand; Bonnie brushes elbows with him and gets a vision which will tell them everything. Wise old Stefan asks him a cunning question and he pops. Something like this.

“Mal Osbourne’s just lost a woman he loved very much, and he feels alienated and sad”, Y/N accepted the glass from Damon and looked in his frowning face.

“Didn’t look alienated to me yesterday”, Alaric demurred, “he was jumping all round the teachers’ room, happy as ever. I actually found it very strange, given his reaction when Damon… killed her”.

“You think it’s a good idea to put Damon and him in the same room?” the younger Salvatore inquired.

She nodded. Damon shrugged. He didn’t really care for the disgruntled relatives or boyfriends of those he killed. If he did, life would be a nightmare.

She wasn’t sure about it at all but decided to go with her bullshit as far as she could. She needed to clash him with the real life. See what colors come out.

“How is he holding up?” Elena asked.

“Seems fine. Acts fine. I’m sure he holds it all inside”.

Nobody thought to contradict.

“Can we talk about how he knows that we’re vampires?” Caroline narrowed her eyes and crossed her legs.

“He figured it on his own. Said you guys were very obvious”.

She felt a pair of green eyes watching her closely. Bonnie rested her elbows against the sofa’s back and gave out a little satisfied smile.

“Are you into him?”

“Come on. Everybody knows I’m still desperately in love with Damon”.

Bonnie was left content still. Salvatore collapsed on the couch opposite her and rolled his eyes.

“It’s going to be a little party, only us and him. Mal cooks, so all the food will be on him”.

“Does he know Damon will be coming?” Stefan wouldn’t let go. Y/N sighed and put her hand in her pocket, feeling for her phone. She called him right away, put the call on the speakers, while everyone else was watching her curiously. Mal picked up after the fourth ring. There was music on the background that he didn’t bother to turn a bit down.

“Sup, monster fucker”.

She could see Elena’s eyebrows go all the way up.

“Mal, I’m having a dinner party at the weekend at my place”.

“AWESOME!”

“You’re cooking”.

“You bet! What do you want?”

“Something for four vampires, a witch, Ric and us two”.

He was silent for a second.

“Oh. Is the moron Dummy coming, too?”

Damon’s face was full of painful indignation.

“Yes”.

“For fuck’s sake”.

“Can you make it?”

“Yeah”.

“Will you try to kill him?”

“I don’t know…” Mal’s voice had suggestive uncertain undertones.

“Please don’t”.

“Ok-kay…”

“Cool. See you at work”.

“Wait. Does he have any allergies? Can vampires have allergies?”

“Bye, Mal”.

Bonnie was perplexed. She exchanged looks with Elena. Ric looked properly miserable. She imagined pairing them two while playing Alias. She would have so much fun.

“That’s done”.

“He doesn’t sound sad at all”, Caroline confirmed.

“And you start noticing there are things off about him only now. While I told you that like a month ago”.

Everybody shifted dismissively.

“Whatever it is, I will deal with it myself. You guys concentrate on the FBI douches”.

“Did they bother you much?” Stefan asked.

“No, but they seemed so… not FBI-like”.

“Have you met a lot of FBI agents?” Bonnie asked, visibly amused.

Y/N shrugged, getting up from the couch.

“I’ve seen enough movies. I’ll go get some air”.

She passed the long hall and went out to the yard of the huge mansion. Night was very gentle. Bright marbles of stars shone in the perfect black matter, distant and therefore harmless. She knew well pretty things could hurt. Every time she raised her eyes to the sky now, something poked her in the lung, like a rib that was crooked. The pain was phantom but strong nonetheless.

Sometimes she wished she smoked. She walked over to the nearest trees to listen to them and not the voices from the house. One caught up with her anyway.

“Don’t wander too far off, or you’ll stay in the forest forever”.

Y/N turned to the voice and let her eyes get used to the darkness. Wide branches of the apple tree hid the lights from the windows. Stars faded away from the sky.

Damon touched her elbow lightly and led her to the bleak golden puddles of light on the grass.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you”, he said, and paused, making her wonder if he finished the sentence in his mind but failed to utter.

“Yes?”

“This Mal guy, did he ever tell you where he came from?”

“He says he’s from Ohio”.

“Hmm”.

“Notoriously known as the state that produces weirdos… I guess?”

“You still think he’s pretending to be somebody else?”

“I don’t know. I take it easy”.

Damon nodded, his eyes flickering with silver stars in the pale light.

“I wanted to ask you something, too. For some time now, actually”.

He looked at her attentively.

“Last November, do you remember?”

Salvatore cocked his head and said slowly,

“Uh-huh, there was a November”.

“We were in Georgia after Matt died, looking for his killer. And I got really sick so I stayed behind in the motel”.

He nodded again. His face expressed nothing.

“What did you do there? What happened there? Why did everyone return so distressed?”

She inhaled, and her voice quivered a bit.

“And why do I feel so bad ever since?”

Damon frowned.

“You never said it, little one. Bad – how?”

“Don’t- not you. Don’t pretend I’m the one who’s going nuts. What happened, Damon? We went to that pit, that place which takes away memories, and ever since then I’ve been completely restless”.

She couldn’t grab the idea. Every time she tried to think about it, her mind came undone in a thousand pieces, and she felt like she was old, and forgetful, and drunk. There was that little thing that stung her brain, making it numb, there was something that made her want to cry – and yet, she couldn’t catch it like she was blindfolded.

“Y/N”, he took her shoulders with warm palms. Damon’s intense stare was intoxicating. Even though it didn’t really make her knees weak anymore; she couldn’t look away. “I would never – ever – do anything to hurt you. You know that. You see that tree over there?”

They both looked back to the house at the slender, tall, unusually golden and fruitless apple tree reaching up and up, for seven years now. Sure she remembered. The day when Katherine tried to bury her alive, and she cried. And shivered. And suffocated. She went through such terror she thought she would never emit a sound again. Until Damon came, breaking the earth and the casket, and reaching for her. And then, he planted that damn seed on that very place, to remind her about that fucking day. He admired that golden tree, so sophisticated, full of unexpected magic, seemingly out of nowhere, glistening even in the night.

She sighed.

Maybe it’s easy. Maybe it’s right under her nose, and she’ll be very angry when it uncovers itself. And she’ll say, I should’ve known.

She looked in Damon’s concerned eyes.

“You gotta promise you’ll be nice to Mal no matter what he does or how he acts”.

“That’s a lot to ask. The kid’s annoying as he-” Damon cut himself and raised a finger. “Wait a sec”.

He disappeared in the dark of the yard, without a sound.

Of course, it didn’t take a sec. Damon was gone for full ten minutes, and Y/N went back into the house, preparing herself for the FBI talk.

#kai parker #damon salvatore #kai parker imagine #kai parker x reader #vampire diaries imagine #legacies #whitmore guy

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lovejustforaday · 4 years ago

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My Top 10 Albums of 2019

Rose Gold - Kitty

Main Genres: Electro Pop

A decent sampling of: Chill Hop, Chill Wave, Alternative R&B, Cloud Rap, Future Bass, Synth Pop, Trip Hop, Wonky Kitty's sound keeps changing from EP to LP, but one thing that remains constant is her witty, hyper-feminine cool girl persona. On "Rose Gold", she explores a variety of electronic genres while maintaining a near-perfect chill mood and atmosphere. "Rose Gold" easily avoids falling into the traps of repetitiveness prone to a lot of lo-fi chill music thanks to Kitty's charming personality and clever lyricism on tracks like "B.O.M.B. (Peter)" and "Florida". I feel like this is definitely a late night album, one you might listen to while sneaking around your kitchen to make a late night snack while wearing your cutest pajamas. Alternatively, this is the album your stuffed animals all get up and vibe to while you're sleeping. Oh yeah, and "Counting All The Starfish" samples FF7 which is pretty cool. Highlights: "B.O.M.B. (Peter)", “Don’t Panic (Interlude)”, "Mami", "Counting All The Starfish", “Disconnect”

8/10

House of Sugar - Sandy (Alex G)

Main Genres: Indie Folk, Neo-Psychedelia

A decent sampling of: Folktronica, Psychedelic Folk, Indie Pop, Americana I admit, I was completely unfamiliar with Alex G's material until this album came along and garnered a lot of attention. I'm very excited to explore his back catalogue now thanks to this album. Fitting to its name, "House of Sugar" is somewhat like a psychedelic sugar rush, feeling at once strange and whimsical yet also sickly sweet and delirious. Under the album's upbeat folky veneer lies darker themes about loss both personal and conceptual. "Gretel" and the album title itself are both inspired by the fairytale of Hansel and Gretel, which makes a lot of sense because I really just want to get lost in the woods while listening to this album. "Project 2" is a noticeable outlier and the weakest track, forgoing conventional song structure completely for experimental synth music yielding mixed results, but even this short track manages to be oddly beautiful and adds to the overall experience. Likewise, "House of Sugar" is an exceptionally interesting musical journey even at its weakest. Highlights: "Gretel", "Sugar", "Hope", "Walk Away", "Taking"

8/10

Titanic Rising - Weyes Blood

Main Genres: Art Pop, Baroque Pop

A decent sampling of: Progressive Pop, Psychedelic Pop, Soft Rock, Progressive Electronic, Alternative Country Most acclaimed album of 2019? Quite possibly. While it's not my top choice of the year, I can definitely understand the widespread praise this album has received. At its best, Weyes Blood's "Titanic Rising" is a truly lush and cinematic experience, incorporating musical influences from the best of 60s and 70s era pop music with a moving lyrical narrative of coming to terms with depression and getting older. Mering's voice is warm and tender, and her insights about generational woes on tracks like "Everyday" and "Something to Believe" are mature and nuanced. If you're new to being an adult like I am, and you find the prospects of trying to build a fulfilling and meaningful life in the kind of world we live in scary, then listening to "Titanic Rising" will feel like a very bittersweet soundtrack written for a movie based on your own real life. Considerably front-loaded, but the concept for this album is very fresh and ambitious, and when it's good, it's brilliant. P.S. definitely the best album cover of 2019 Highlights: "Everyday", "Movies", "Andromeda", "Titanic Rising", "A Lot's Gonna Change"

8/10

Grey Area - Little Simz

Main Genres: Conscious Rap, UK Rap

A decent sampling of: Jazz Rap, Hardcore Rap

Little Simz sounds like she knows exactly who she is and what she's doing on "Grey Area", like she has her flow and writing lyrics down to a science. The album really feels like seeing the world through her eyes, and Simz holds nothing back, talking about everything from institutional racism and violence, to things like therapy, motherhood, and even video games. "Grey Area" succeeds as well as it does largely thanks to the strengths of Simz's offbeat personality, lyrical insights, and excellent delivery, while the production on the album is mostly smooth and slick in a way that never overpowers her as the main focus. I'll admit, I find at some points that the production on some of the songs falls considerably short of the standards set by Simz's own talent as a rapper, but when the production does reach that level on tracks like "101 FM" and "Venom", the pay off is brilliant. "101 FM" in particular is such an interesting and unique hip hop song, in the same way that Simz is a very interesting and unique rapper. Honestly this album is worth the listen alone just to hear what Little Simz has to say about everything.

Highlights: "101 FM", "Selfish", "Offence", "Venom"

8/10

Pang - Caroline Polachek

Main Genres: Art Pop, Alternative R&B

A decent sampling of: Electro Pop, Glitch Pop, Ambient Pop, New Age, Downtempo Of all the albums I've listened to this year, "Pang" feels like the most varied journey with an impressive collection of 14 songs in under 50 minutes. On this LP, Caroline Polachek takes the listener through her world of romantic fairytales and magic. Some of the songs are poppy bangers like the funky "So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings" and the rhythmic "Ocean of Tears", while other songs are more mood-driven and meditative like "Parachute" and "Insomnia". Many of the songs place emphasis on the vocal gymnastics of Polachek herself, who makes great use of her range and techniques like heavy breaths on "So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings". The production work of Polachek and Danny L. Harle is sophisticated and intricate, with a lot of attention to detail on tracks like "Door" and "Pang". A lot of the songs are mysterious and cerebral, especially the penultimate "Door" which has an equally cerebral and trippy music video. Overall, I'd say that "Pang" definitely opens and closes with its strongest few tracks, but there’s enough variety and intricacies throughout its entirety to make the album experience highly engaging on repeated listens as you explore the different musical worlds that each song has to offer.

Highlights: "Door", " So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings ", “Parachute”, "Pang", "Go As a Dream", "Ocean of Tears", ��Hit Me Where It Hurts”, "The Gate"

9/10

Norman Fucking Rockwell! - Lana Del Rey

Main Genres: Art Pop, Soft Rock

A decent sampling of: Dream Pop, Chamber Pop, Contemporary Folk, Psychedelic Pop, Piano Rock, Blues Rock, Americana, Pop Soul So yeah, this album happened. Lana Del Rey has always been an artist I appreciated for her unique sound and persona, but I found that her 2012 LP "Born To Die" mostly didn't quite live up to her potential as an artist, and I never really bothered with the rest of her work apart from individual songs until now. I'm so glad I checked this one out because "Norman Fucking Rockwell!" rightfully deserves the wave of acclaim it has received this year. Lana Del Rey's songwriting has become so sophisticated on this LP, and the warm, rich soft rock sound that she's adopted on tracks like "The greatest" compliments her vocals better than any other genre she's explored so far. Like most of her work, "Norman Fucking Rockwell!" explores American identity and femininity, and the songs are tinged with sadness and nostalgia. That being said, I actually find parts of this album very uplifting, especially on "Love Song" and "Mariners Apartment Complex". "Venice Bitch" is, simply put, a true masterpiece. It's the reason I checked out the album when I heard the single last year, and it damn near blows everything else out of the water with its gorgeous soundscapes and 9 minute length that could go on for an eternity if it wanted to. Regardless, there's a lot of songs here that I love, even if the LP is a little front-loaded. Lana has outdone herself this time with "Norman Fucking Rockwell!", and I already look forward to the projects she's announced for 2020. In the meantime, I should check out the LPs that I missed in her discography. Highlights: "Venice Bitch", "The greatest", "Mariners Apartment Complex", "How to disappear", "Cinnamon Girl", "Love song", "Norman fucking Rockwell"

9/10

Keepsake - Hatchie

Main Genres: Dream Pop, Indie Pop

A decent sampling of: Shoegaze, Synth Pop, Twee Pop, Jangle Pop

This album pretty clearly derives a lot of its sound from a particular era of early 90s dream pop, shoegaze, and jangle pop. So what makes "Keepsake" so special? For one, Hatchie knows her sound niche and does it incredibly well. Songs like "Stay With Me" and "Kiss The Stars" feel like lost gems from an era when they could've been heard on college radios in between the Cocteau Twins, MBV, and the Cranberries. While her sonic timbre is pure retro, Hatchie's own take on classic dream pop from a songwriting perspective is fresh and unique. Her lyrics and melodies are pure and saccharine in a way that reminds me of feel-good teen romcoms about sappy high school romances, only I mean that in the best way possible. Songs like "Without A Blush" and "Secret" feel like what I thought falling in love was gonna be like when I was 11 years old. "Stay With Me" is a rush of euphoria, and the song feels like prom again whenever I listen to it. Her pop songwriting sensibilities are well-crafted in a way that makes it look like she's been doing this for years and years, when really Hatchie only started putting out her own music in 2017. The sequencing of the tracks is well thought out, and I find "Keepsake" is at its strongest in the middle portion. There's just a certain essence of carefree youth and sentimentality that Hatchie has captured so vividly with this album. If you're looking to recapture the feeling of your best memories as a teenager, "Keepsake" will take you there. Strongest debut LP of the year, and I super look forward to whatever she does next. Highlights: "Stay With Me", "Secret", "Her Own Heart" "Kiss The Stars", "Without A Blush", "Unwanted Guest"

9/10

Djinn - Lingua Nada

Main Genres: Indie Rock, Psychedelic Rock, Noise Rock

A decent sampling of: Noise Pop, Progressive Rock, Math Rock, Neo-Psychedelia, Indietronica, Experimental Rock

Lingua Nada is that one really cool indie band that only I and a few others seem to know about. The band has a very distinct and creative sound which combines explosive noise with jerky, whacky rhythms and upbeat melodies. Last year's "Snuff" was a very raw and experimental album experience, and another year-end favourite of mine. This year's "Djinn" boasts slightly more conventional song structures, but the sonic timbres and rhythms are just as strange and beautiful, if not more. As its name would suggest, "Djinn" is partly inspired by Arabian folklore and evokes a sort of mysterious, ghostly presence on songs like the title track and "Salam Cyber". The mix of noise, acid-y psychedelics, and complex rhythms on "Habiba" and "Dweeb Weed" results in alien, otherworldly sounds. "These Hands Are Royal" is a very evocative track as well, with its propulsive beat and dusty guitar riffs giving me the distinct imagery of travelling a desert by foot. Lingua Nada never overwhelms the listener with their explosive songs on "Djinn", and the band takes time to mellow out a bit towards the end of the album with the bubbly, psychedelic indietronica bop "Yalla Yalla" and the minimalist folk tune "In Limbo". Lead vocalist Adam Lenox is buried pretty deep in the mix of guitars, and I wouldn't exactly say he has the strongest presence as a vocalist, but I can't say that this takes away much of the appeal because "Djinn" is clearly meant to be a more impressionistic experience. Lingua Nada have come out of the past two years with a strong 1-2 punch of innovative noise rock albums, and with "Djinn" they've proven themselves to be one of the most daring and multi-talented rock bands of the decade.

Highlights: "Habiba", "These Hands Are Royal", "Djinn", "Salam Cyber", "Yalla Yalla", "Proto", "Gucci Mecca"

9/10

Ginger - Brockhampton

Main Genres: Pop Rap, Contemporary R&B, West Coast Rap

A decent sampling of: Alternative R&B, Emo Rap, Conscious Rap, Indie Pop

This album feels like it's all about growth. Brockhampton have undergone a lot of changes as a band since they first blew up in 2017 between sudden fame, signing a major label, and kicking Ameer for his toxic behaviour. Last year's "Iridescence" felt like a raw, anguished, and messy response to the sudden changes the band had to cope with. Now it's 2019 and we have "Ginger", a more lowkey and sometimes deeply sad album, where members of Brockhampton are still processing many of the same problems. This time, however, the album is far more consistent, more nuanced, and overall, masterfully crafted. There's a lot of talk of male identity and what it means to be a man on "Ginger", and some of the traits brought up are moral integrity, honesty, and vulnerability, all which are part of emotional maturity and subvert machismo gender expectations. True to its album cover, "Ginger" is like a big hug for young guys struggling with depression, but anybody can get something out of this brilliant piece of art. The highlights are many: Joba's verse on "BIG BOY", Kevin's verse on "BOY BYE", and Matt's verse on "NO HALO" just to name a few. But the defining moment of "Ginger" is Dom's takedown of Ameer at the end of "DEARLY DEPARTED", a brilliant 66 seconds of anger, remorse, pain, and condemnation. Guest rapper Victor Roberts rapping about his traumatic childhood experience with the police on album closer "VICTOR ROBERTS" is also a key highlight, and serves as a fitting note to end an album that so forwardly tackles depression and coping with traumatic life changes. The production is fantastic, from the effortlessly cool R&B jam "SUGAR" to weirder tracks like the off-kilter "IF YOU PRAY RIGHT" which is built around a cartoonish trombone riff. I simply can't praise this album enough. Brockhampton have matured as artists, and "Ginger" will go on to prove their legacy as one of the best rap groups of the 2010s. Highlights: "DEARLY DEPARTED", "NO HALO", "SUGAR", "GINGER", "BOY BYE", "VICTOR ROBERTS", "IF YOU PRAY RIGHT", "BIG BOY", “ST. PERCY”

10/10

Magdalene - FKA Twigs

Main Genres: Art Pop, Glitch Pop

A decent sampling of: Progressive Pop, Ambient Pop, Alternative R&B, Post-Industrial

It's hard to describe what makes this album so brilliant because it's so subtle. "MAGDALENE" slowly unravels to reveal its beauty, in the same way that a flower slowly blooms, petal by petal. Likewise, FKA Twigs slowly strips away all of her defenses, track by track, to reveal the heart of a wounded lover. "MAGDALENE" is all about the breakup of Twigs' highly publicized relationship with Robert Pattinson. The lyrics explore her lover's emotional distance on "home with you", her feelings of inadequacy after being thrust into the broader public eye on "cellophane", her lover's lies on "fallen alien", and the physical pain she endured undergoing fibroid surgery that rendered her feeling weak on "daybed". Like the rest of her work, many of the songs on "MAGDALENE" juxtapose the unnerving with the beautiful, with tracks like "mirrored heart" and "fallen alien" alternating between ethereal vocals backed by piano and glitchy, spine-tingling production that evokes earthquakes and mirrors shattering into hundreds of pieces. There's also a lot of empty space on this album, and a general appreciation for minimalism. Tracks like "mary magdalene" and "cellophane" are made stronger by allowing enough room for Twigs' vocals to carry the music, and boy does she ever. Twigs breathes, moans, cries, screams, whispers, and commands with her voice to utter perfection throughout. The vocal highlights are all over "MAGDALENE", but my absolute favourites include the last line of "home with you", the dark incantations of the verses on "fallen alien", and the withering refrain after the beat-drop on "cellophane". "cellophane" is the centerpiece of "MAGDALENE" and the perfect closer, like listening to the music of a dying flower as it slowly wilts away. Overall, "MAGDALENE" is a stunning piece of art. Twigs has reclaimed her pain on this album by turning one of the lowest points in her life into the most beautiful album of the year. Highlights: "cellophane", "home with you", "fallen alien", "mary magdalene", "daybed", "sad day", "mirrored heart", "thousand eyes"

10/10

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nostalgiaispeace · 4 years ago

Text

2089.

What’s your name?

ashley

Where do you live? kentucky

When’s your birthday? december 24th

What’s your astrological sign? capricorn

Do you actually believe in that stuff? no. it’s fun tho

How old are you? 30

Do you have a high school diploma or the equivalent? yeah

Do you have an undergraduate degree? If so, in what? never finished

What is your favorite…

Quote?

i don’t have one

Color? orange

Song? i dont have one

Band/singer? lana del rey

Book? harry potter

Author? jk rowling

School subject? -

Science (chemistry, biology, physics, etc.)? -

Math (algebra, geometry, calculus, etc.)? -

Language? french

Operating system? apple

Instrument? piano

Letter? I don’t have one

Number? 3

Car? 1967 chevy impala

Pattern (polka spots, stripes, plaid, etc.)? plaid

Word? -

Animal? Kitties!

Country? europe

Drink (alcoholic or otherwise)? coffee

Food? pizza

Restaurant? mexican

Website? tumblr

Sport? gymnastics

Flower? lilies

Ice cream flavor? chocolate chip cookie dough

Television show? supernatural

Shirt? i don’t have one

Shape? star

Eye color? brown

Hair color? blonde

Movie? titanic

Gum flavor? peppermint

Random Stuff About You

Do you have your drivers’ license?

Yes

Have you ever been swimming in an ocean? yeah

What’s the last song you listened to? -

Do you prefer coloring pencils, crayons, or markers? coloring pencils

Can you make any origami figures? If so, what? no

Do you still sleep with a stuffed animal? yeah

Do you get cold easily? no

Have you ever been to a chiropractor? no

Do you have great eyesight, or do you wear glasses or contacts? glasses

Do you know how to play chess? no

Do you know how to play checkers? no

Do you like Sudoku puzzles? no

Do you like word searches? no

Do you like crossword puzzles? yeah

Do you like logic puzzles? no

Can you play any card games? no

Do you play board games? yeah

Do you do jigsaw puzzles? no

Do you listen to the same song on repeat for a long time, even occasionally? i do

Do you take any prescription medications on a regular basis? yes

Would you prefer to be too hot or too cold? neither

Do you like to swim? no

Have you ever been to a farm? yeah

Do you like instrumental music? yeah

Do you drink diet soda? yes

Do you drink soda? yes

Have you ever put Mentos into soda? no

Have you ever combined baking soda and vinegar? yes

Did you ever make Oobleck in science class when you were a kid? no

Do you know any HTML? not anymore

Have you ever read any of Shakespeare’s work? many

Do you write poetry? sometimes

Do you read? yes

Can you throw a frisbee? not well

Do you watch a lot of television? not really

Do you think that you have a good sense of humor? yeah

Are you a mean person? i can be

Do you have any bruises? If so, how did you get them? no

Does the thought of public speaking make you nervous? no

Are you afraid of heights? yeah

So, what ARE you afraid of? fish

Are you listening to music? No

Has anyone ever called you ‘disturbed’? i dont’ think so

Have you ever been kicked out of a place? If so, where? And why? no

Do you take a lot of these surveys? yeah

When was the last time you fingerpainted? idk

When was the last time you sent an e-mail? idk

A text message? today

Called someone on the phone? today

Tripped over something? today im’ sure

Do you like chocolate? yeah

How many pillows are on your bed? 6

Do you have any pets? yeah

Have you ever been on a horse? yeah

Have you ever climbed a tree? yah

Do you like art? yeah

Do you use any sort of social networking site? yeah

What time is it? 8:47pm

Have you ever been in a car accident? yeah

When was the last time you felt embarrassed? today

Did it rain today? yeah

Have you ever had a poison ivy rash? no

When was the last time you felt immensely happy? today

Do you take a multivitamin or any other supplement? yes. prenatals and iron

What household chore do you absolutely hate? all of them

Tell me something random about yourself. i’m pregnant

Can you cook? yeah

Do you like to be silly? yeha

What kinds of things have you wanted to be 'when you grow up’? singer. actress.

Have you ever been on a boat? yeah

Do/did you like school? i liked college

Do you have a camera? on my phone

Have you ever been bitten by a tick? No

Have you ever seen a wild snake? no

Have you ever gone hiking in the woods? yeah

Do you have a lot of friends? no

Do you keep a diary/journal/blog? not really

What color are your eyes? brown

Do you like snow? yeah

Would you prefer to sing or dance in front of other people? sing

Would you prefer to sing or dance when you’re by yourself? both

Can you spell really well? no

Do you mind poor grammar? i do

What’s your favorite texting/IM abbreviation? omg and lol

Do you wear a watch? no

Do you shop at thrift stores? no

What is your dream job? to be a stay at home mom

What is one thing that really freaks you out? fish

Do you like bananas? Yes

Do you eat meat? yes

Do you drink coffee? not since i’ve been pregnant

Do you clean your computer screen often? no. i should tho lol

Have you ever sneezed onto your computer screen? yeah

Let’s talk about numbers.

How many people live with you?

How many digits of pi do you have memorized? 3.14159

Can you count using binary numbers? no

How many states have you visited? a lot

How many countries? none

How many browser windows/tabs do you have open? a lot

How many times have you blinked in the past minute? idk

How many seconds are in a minute? 60

Are you afraid of mathematics? no

What’s the square root of 121? 11

Sorry, sorry, the nightmare is over :) How about some more random questions to let you relax?

Have you ever read the webcomic xkcd?

Can you play an instrument? no

Can you read sheet music? yes

What’s your favorite kind of sandwich? italian sub

Do you have a bedtime? no

Have you ever gone sledding? no

Have you ever carved a pumpkin? If so, what kind of face did you make? yeah. a normal one

Do you ever make funny faces at yourself in the mirror? yeah

Have you ever played the classic shaving-cream-in-the-hand prank on someone? no

Do you think that’s a mean thing to do? yeah

Do you like cake? yeah

Do you like pie? yes

Do you like popsicles? love

Do you use the television or computer more? Computer

Do you have a favorite chair to sit in? yeah

Are you getting tired of this survey? yeah

Do you like to wear hats? no

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Yes

Do your shoes provide lots of arch support? no

Do you like to go to yard sales? no

Have you ever had a yard sale at your house? yeah

Do you like apples? allergic

Do you like peanut butter? yes

Do you like licorice? nooo

Do you like lima beans? ew no

Do you like limes? yeah

What color are your bedroom walls? off white

Guess how many questions you’ve done. I don’t know either, so just guess. no

What’s your favorite color to wear? black

Do you tell secrets when people confide in you? depends

Do you listen to your music with the volume up really high? depends

Do you like to try new foods? no

How many different programs are you currently using? just firefox

How many different operating systems have you used? i’m old so alot

What time is it now? 8:53pm

Are you wearing socks? no

Are you comfortable with yourself? no

Do you lose small things (like your car keys) often? no

Is your mind in the gutter? No

Have you ever broken a bone? no

Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert

Do you read the dictionary for fun? no

Tater tots or fries? fries

Do you like to wear flip flops? no

Are you more of an optimist or pessimist? pessimist

Do you like animals? yeah

Do you like little kids? yes

Are you a 'people person’? no

Have you ever seen a rainbow? yeah

How was your day? chill

What do you plan to do tomorrow? work

When was the last time you did laundry? today

Have you ever played Snake? yes

Have you ever played Scrabble? yes

Are there any television commercials that really get on your nerves? all of them

Do you like scary movies? yes

Are you itchy anywhere on your body? yes

What’s the title of the last book you read? a pregnancy book

Do you read more fiction or nonfiction books? a good mix

Are you a member of any clubs or organizations? Nope

What color is your favorite pair of socks? i don’t have any

Do you own a lava lamp? No

Do you have anything else to say? no

#me #survey

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tatertotthethot · 5 years ago

Note

do you have any playlists you can share? i feel like you have good taste in music 🤔

Oof that’s such a flattering thing to say like 😭🤧 THANK YOU!

So, besides bts songs, my playlists consist of almost everything except country music lmfao. I change it up every month depending on my mood. here’s my current playlist. A lot of them are oldies, so you might’ve heard a lot of them already but hopefully you’ll still like some of ‘em! Enjoy!

Btw sorry to anybody that has to scroll pass this long ass list. I’ll try putting a read more link but if it doesn’t work, forgive me 😖

[[MORE]]

- Pure imagination (Pixel Remix)

- Don’t Dream It’s Over (Skibblez ‘house’ remix)

- Crew by Lovelink

- Jordan Belfort by Wes Walker and Dyl

- Bury A Friend by Billie Eilish

- Easier & Young Blood by 5sos

- Starboy, & Die For You by The Weeknd

- 3005 & Sober by Childish Cambino

- Lost, Forrest Gump, & Pink Matter by Frank Ocean

- Heavy Dirty Soul by Twenty One Pilots

- I’m Like A Lawyer, American Suitehearts, 20 Dollar Nose Bleed, Hum Hallelujah, and Carpel Tunnel of Love by Fall Out Boy (sry I’m still a pre-hiatus hoe for them)

- Juicy & New Rules by Doja Cat

- Caroline by Aminé

- Don’t Wanna Fall In Love by KYLE

- Love Lies, Talk, & Young Dumb and Broke by Khalid

- Unforgettable by French Montana

- Love & Poetic Justice by Kendrick Lamar

- Roxanne by Arizona Zervas

- Like I Would by Zayn, & wrong (ft. Khelani)

- Best Part by H.E.R.

- Private Fears In Public Places by Front Porch Step

- Again by Fetty Wap

- Lust for Life by Lana Del Ray and The Weeknd

- Same Drugs, Favorite Song, and Juice by Chance The Rapper

- Tamale by Tyler The Creator, as well as his remix to Pillow Talk by Zayn

- Wheels On The Bus, Recess, & Show and Tell by Melanie Martinez

- Uprising by Muse

- Bad Blood by Nao

- Go Fuck Yourself by Two Feet

- Consideration, Desperado, & Higher by Rihanna

- Diamonds (Flaxo Stadium Remix)

- Teenagers by My Chemical Romance

- New Perspective, LA Devotee and Death of a Bachelor by P!ATD

- Pornstar Dancing by My Darkest Days

Now here’s some OLDIE OLDIE’s that probably came out either before we were born or still in fetus stage, but I have a really old soul so I’m just gonna put these out there in case you might be too:

- Showdown by ELO

- Break the Chain by FleetWood Mac

- Far Behind by Candle Box (this might not even be that old but anyways)

- Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd

- Dream Weaver by Gary Wright

- Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems (The White Panda Remix)

- Creep by TLC

#playlists

16 notes · View notes

twisted-eels · 4 years ago

Text

Get To Know Me

❦ Shout out to @nonsensical-twistedriddles, who tagged me at the end of their post.

❦ And I don’t really know many people here so instead of tagging someone in response, anyone who wants to do it can. Go wild kids. Introduce yourself to this cold, uncaring world.

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise?

I usually go by Rae, I used to go by Raven so I guess you can also call me that. Nicknames are also fine, any nickname you wanna throw at me, I’ll take it.

2. When is your birthday?

2nd of August.

3. Where do you live? (you can just give the country’s or state name if you’re not comfortable with sharing the city name)

Sydney, Australia. So now you can all come and find me or whatever.

4. Three things you’re doing right now?

❦ Listening to music

❦ Singing along with said music

❦ Writing about Marcela’s relationships with NRC students

5. Four fandoms that have your peak interest right now?

❦ Twisted Wonderland

❦ Jibaku Shounen Hanako-Kun

❦ Watcher

❦ Disney

6. How has this pandemic been treating you?

Surprisingly well. My parents got Disney+ a couple weeks ago so I’ve been binging as many movies as possible. I watched Ratatouille for the first time last night, and am currently regretting not seeing it sooner. I’ve also been baking a lot, and attempting not to eat everything I’ve made. Online classes have been a struggle through, dodgy internet and a short attention span don’t mix well.

7. A song you can’t stop listening to right now?

Oh you think there’s just one? How cute.

❦ Young and Beautiful - Lana Del Rey

❦ God Help The Outcasts - Heidi Mollenhauer (I’m singing along to this as I’m writing this)

❦ Hellfire - Tony Jay

❦ Pretty Funny - Lindsey Mendez

❦ When He Sees Me - Kimiko Glen

❦ For Your Entertainment - Adam Lambert

❦ Poor Unfortunate Souls - Jonas Brothers cover

❦ I Won’t Say I’m In Love - Susan Egan

8. Recommend a movie

Hercules (1997), the music in this absolutely bops. And Meg. I love her. She’s amazing. Other recommendations would be Ratatouille (2007) and Aladdin (2019) I heard a lot of people didn’t enjoy the new Aladdin, and while sure it isn’t perfect, I liked it. So it’s on my recommendation list. Fight me.

9. How old are you?

16, going on 17.

10. School, university, occupation, or other?

High school. I was planning on getting a part time job around about now but... uh... I don’t think my parents would let me now, all things considered...

11. Do you prefer heat or cold?

Heat. I wear shorts all year round, and while I don’t dislike the cold, people keep commenting on what I wear during cold weather and it’s annoying. The “aren’t you cold” and “do you want a jacket” comments get real irritating after 16 years. Plus it feels like more family members have birthdays during the colder months, and family birthday parties are one of my least favourite things. So it’s nothing to do with the weather itself, simply what I associate with it.

12. Name one fact about you that others might find unusual:

I actively chose to leave a super high ranking school to go to a bottom ranking one. Also I overshare even though I know I probably shouldn’t, which is unusual because I know I shouldn’t yet do regardless.

13. Are you shy?

Yeah, kinda. Once I get to know people it lessens... somewhat? But when I first meet people I can be pretty shy. Even if I seem confident, internally I am not having a great time. That’s the power of acting I guess? I’ll rarely ever start the conversation with someone else, so if any ever wants to talk you’re better off messaging me first than waiting for me to magically grow a pair and start talking.

14. Do you have preferred pronouns?

She/her, but I won’t really be offended or anything if you guys get them wrong. This is probably the only time I’ve mentioned them on tumblr after all.

15. Biggest pet peeves

When they put superglue/industrial strength glue in tiny 3 gram bottles with long nozzles that are impossible to actually get the glue out of. This pet peeve has nothing to do with my current drama project, I promise. I definitely had this pet peeve before this week, it’s not new and specific at all. Haha... ha... ha

16. What is your favourite “-dere” type?

Tsunderes are a classic and also a mood, so I’ll probably go with them? Kinda basic of me, I know, but there isn’t really a type that jumps out at me as an immediate favourite.

17. Rate your life 1-10. 1 being crappy, 10 being amazing:

A solid 7 or 8? Could be better, could be worse. Wouldn’t call my life exciting, but I have a comfortable lifestyle and nothing too shitty has ever happened to me, so that balances out the lack of amazement I guess.

18. What is your main blog?

My main blog would be @a-good-one-but-taken, it’s just me reblogging stuff I like. I don’t stick to any particular fandom on that blog. Would not recommend checking it out.

19. List your side blogs and what they are used for:

@twisted-eels is my Twisted Wonderland side blog. Come here for twst bird memes and a couple dumb posts. It’s also the home of my OC Marcela Lupei, a chaotic queen.

20. One thing you think people should know about you before they become your friends?

I’m kinda hard to get along with. I mean, I’m mean. My first instinct is usually to make a snarky or sarcastic comment, and while I do mean it as a joke, I get the feeling that I come off as being genuine. I generally do want to talk to you however, and if I don’t want to then I’ll outright say it. My bitchy comments aren’t meant to be hinting at anything, they’re just a habit that I need to break. If you want then you can tell me to stop and I’ll be extra careful not to make them, although as of right now it’s pretty instinctual so I kinda just do it without thinking.

#rae’s ramblings

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nadiafm · 5 years ago

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( camila morrone, cisfemale ) hey ! have you seen NADIA PEREZ around ? they work as a ICE SKATING INSTRUCTOR at big bear resort, but they must be off their shift by now. well, if you do see them can you let me know ? they’re 21 years old & they’ve been working here for 11 MONTHS. they tend to be +AMOROUS & +CONVIVIAL, but can also be -LICENTIOUS & -WARY. the other employees have labeled them THE ROMANTIC. thanks a lot ! gold hoops , floral mini dresses , pink lipgloss , overly dramatic eyeshadow , freckles specked across your nose , mascara running down your cheeks , tequila shots chased with salt and lime , lana del rey blasting in your headphones , mirror selfies , golden hour , glitter and rhinestones , blue raspberry dum dums , piled up books you keep forgetting to read.

hey y’all !! i’m so excited for this wow. i’m sam, i’m 22, and i live in pst !! i’m a sucker for cooking shows and dogs and candles. but more importantly...this is my freaking baby nadia, an absolute idiot with a heart of gold ! i already know this intro is going to be too long but bare with me i will include a tldr at the bottom i promise. also hmu on discord to plot ! capricornmom#1278

here is nadia’s pinterest & here is her playlist

aesthetics : gold hoops , floral mini dresses , pink lipgloss , overly dramatic eyeshadow , freckles specked across your nose , mascara running down your cheeks , tequila shots chased with salt and lime , lana del rey blasting in your headphones , mirror selfies , golden hour , glitter and rhinestones , blue raspberry dum dums , piled up books you keep forgetting to read

character parallels : jackie burkhart ( that 70′s show ) rachel green ( friends ) , cassie howard ( euphoria ) , brooke davis ( one tree hill ) , bianca stratford ( 10 things i hate about you ) , april ( palo alto ) , erica vandross ( flower ) , gigi & triple a ( booksmart ) , snooki ( jersey shore ) , jessica day ( new girl )

full name : nadia paloma perez

birthday : july 23, 1998

zodiac : cancer sun , pisces moon , pisces rising . god help this emotional ass girl

nationality : american

religion : roman catholic

sexual & romantic orientation : bisexual , biromantic

hometown : aventura , florida ( 20 minutes outside of miami )

languages spoken : english ( fluent ) , spanish ( fluent ) , french ( still learning , takes it in school , somewhat conversational )

likes : candy ( sour punch straws , lollipops ) , watching soccer games ( messi stan till she dies ) , rex orange county , writing , magazines , making empanadas with her abuela , romantic comedies ( her fav is how to lose a guy in 10 days ) , tequila sodas , sex , lana del rey , chipotle burritos , iced chai lattes with almond milk from starbucks , gossip girl , craft beer , margaret atwood

dislikes : quinoa , nuts in things like salad or cookies , star wars , watching golf , oatmeal , church , screamo music , california ( a grudge ) , spoiled rich kids , condescending business majors , quentin tarantino ( and his avid fans )

BACKGROUND

Born and raised in South Florida, a little aways from Miami ! Her mother, Paloma, was an Adventura native while her father, Santiago, was an immigrant from Argentina. Her parents met in college when Paloma was studying abroad in Argentina. They fell in love, rather quickly, and the rest was history. They had planned on moving back to America together, but Santiago’s visa was denied. So, after only four months of knowing each other and 2.5 months of dating, they got married.

Turns out sometimes you should know your partner better before getting married !! shocker right. It wasn’t so bad at first, though. They were young and in love and their honeymoon phase seemed to last forever, until it didn’t.

By the time Nadia was born, they’d already begun to realize each other’s faults and flaws. Santiago was a good looking guy, and with his thick Argentine accent, he tended to come off as overly friendly and at times overtly flirty. Paloma was jealous and needy. It never seemed to mesh well when she thought her husband was flirting with every other mom in the neighborhood.

So, for the majority of Nadia’s childhood, all she remembered from her parent’s marriage was them fighting. She had a close relationship with the both of them, though, and she was particularly close with her father. He was her biggest supporter !! Always hyping her up. He was the one signing her up for sports like soccer (they’re a huge soccer family, the only time her parents weren’t fighting was during Argentina games), gymnastics, dance, and ice skating. Her favorite was soccer, and her for most of her adolescent years, her dad coached her team. They formed a really close bond because of it.

The marriage was sort of non exinsistant at this point, but in some sort of last attempt to salvage any love they might have had for each other, Santiago and Paloma had a baby. It was more Paloma’s idea than anything. Santiago, at that point, was only sticking around for Paloma. She was seven when her little sister was born, Caterina, and Nadia absolutely adored her. They may have been seven years a part, but they were the best of friends.

When Nadia was twelve, she woke up with a note on her bed side table. It was from her father, and it read: “Nads, I’m so sorry I couldn’t say goodbye to your face. I wish I was stronger. I am so proud of you and I promise I will be in touch. Te amo. Papa” He hadn’t left anybody else a note, and not even a word to her mother. As close as she was to her mother and sister, she couldn’t help but blame them for her father leaving. Still, she was pretty certain she’d hear from him soon. That he’d come back once he cleared his head. Only, he didn’t.

Word spread pretty fast around school about what had happened. Suddenly, Nadia was a charity case. PTA moms were coming up to her and offering to bring her lunch or dinner, if she needed it. She was the girl who’s dad left them high and dry. It didn’t help that on top of that, her body was going through changes much more rapidly than any of her friends. She already had gotten her period, and by the time she was in seventh grade she was wearing a D cup bra. So in addition to the sudden spotlight as the girl without a dad, boys started treating her differently. Boys that had never talked to her previously suddenly wanted to be her friend. In eighth grade, Hayden Walker rolled up a small piece of paper and shot it like a basketball into her cleavage. He high-fived his friends after and thanked her for the backboard.

So middle school was rough. And while Nadia had had one or two boyfriends during that time, she’d never gone past kissing them. That’s not how the rumors went, though. That was the part that hurt the most. The things people said, especially the things girls said about her. Girls she thought were her friends.

At the end of eighth grade, during the summer before high school, she got a text from her dad. The first one in 2 years! She’d idolized him her whole life, so obviously she was ready to forgive him as soon as she heard from him. He told her he was living in California and Nadia was like, I’m sold! Let’s go! Only her mother was like...are you fucking insane you are not going to California to visit that man. Long story short, she found a cheap cross country bus ticket and essentially ran away from home to see her dad! He was shocked she had come at all, despite his text message leading her to believe he wanted to see her. Apparently it was more of a courtesy text, a text so he could let go of the guilt of leaving an entire family behind. Because in the two years he’d been gone, he managed to start a new one. He had a new wife, and two newborn twins.

Nadia was pretty furious, but she stayed the summer anyways. She had full intentions of starting high school in California and not going home to Florida. Things were tense at her father’s, though. Her “step mother” obviously didn’t like having her around, and though her bond with her father was slowly rekindling, there was still a sort of distance between them. But they were trying to make it work, at the very least.

Then came the end of the summer. Nadia had made a few friends around the neighborhood, and was invited to an end of summer kickback with a bunch of high schoolers. Naturally, she lied about her age at the party. She was 14, but told everyone she was 16, and everyone seemed to overlook her baby face thanks to her ass and tits. At the end of the night, a boy drove her home, and the two ended up hooking up in the car. Apparently she had misjudged how much her father actually cared, because he’d waited up for her to come home, and after seeing car headlights out front, he’d stormed outside to find her in the car with a high school boy, half naked. After allowing her to gather her bearings, he essentially humiliated her right there on the front lawn, screaming about how irresponsible she was amongst other things. The majority of the conversation has since been blacked out from her mind, but she’ll never forget the look on her dad’s face when he said, “you’re nothing, you’re just like your mother, and i don’t want you anywhere near my family.” whew !! ya girl was hurt.

So, obviously, she was back on the way to mom’s ! Honestly at that point her mom wasn’t even mad at her for leaving she was just thankful she was back.

GODDD okay this is getting long so I need to wrap this up. I haven’t even gotten to personality KJSHG Okay let’s wrap up high school in one bullet point. Basically she sub consciously searched for every man’s approval because she lacked the approval she needed from her father! This meant lots of boyfriends and never saying no. In her four years of high school, she was maybe single for a total of like ... seven months. not seven consecutive months lmao, 7 months in between relationships.

one of those boys was connor perch, her first official boyfriend freshman year ! they were really sweet n young and nadia really thought she was in love. but then she gave him a blowjob and this mf recorded it ! and nadia found out after the fact, asked him to delete it, he said it was just for himself to look at, only to find out he’d sent it to his friends a few days later. so that basically set the precedent for how she’d be treated the next four years of high school ! she tried to act like it didn’t bother her but dang. high schoolers can be very mean !

oh my god i seriously have to wrap up okay this will be quick. basically when she was a senior in high school she went on a ski trip to big bear and met a boy named ethan, who she like fell in love with so fast like literally a week give it a rest girl. he was from Colorado but when she left they kept in touch and basically talked every day for the rest of the school year and throughout the summer. She’d decided to apply to Boulder University to be closer to him because this time it really felt like the real thing ! SURPRISE AGAIN ! She got to school and found out he had a girlfriend. She was really mf heartbroken over that. But did she learn her lesson? No. Does she still fall in love with anyone who looks in her direction? Yes.

Okay and lastly she has been working all sorts of jobs throughout college because her mom is helping her pay for tuition and rent so she’s gotta cover spending money ! She ended up getting a job at Big Bear Resort during her last winter break as an ice skating instructor because she used to do ice skating back in the day. Now she works at Big Bear during her school breaks and on some weekends !

TLDR/Tidbits

Hopeless romantic with major daddy issues

Will overanalyze every interaction she has with anyone because she thinks they might like her

EXTREMELY GULLIBLE

Probably will have a crush if you are even remotely nice to her

Really dumb but means well. Literally no common sense. Complete bimbo

Cries A LOT. Complete crybaby. Happy or sad she’s probably crying

Heart of gold!! She really always means well even when she fucks up so bad I SWEAR her heart was in the right place

Can outdrink anyone. She would drink a 6ft5in, 200 pound man under the table any day

Tequila is her choice of drink, but vodka is for her #sadgirlhours

Obsessed with Rosalía, Lana Del Rey, & Rex Orange County. And also 2010 bangers. Anything she can shake her ass to !

She pretty much used to exclusively wear mini dresses because when she realized everyone was just gonna sexualize her anyway, she was like FUCK IT, i’ll show my ass n titties n legs. Except it’s fucking like negative degrees in Colorado so she can’t do that ! Bummer. (she’ll still probably find ways to wear mini dresses)

Obsessed with makeup!! She loves doing adventurous things with eyeshadows and lipsticks like ok euphoria

Kinda crazy. Major crackhead vibes especially when she’s drunk! She loves going out, she’ll go out on a Tuesday, she just likes to have fun ok and dance on tables and make out with cute people

She’ll have a one night stand but just know for HER she’ll probably get attached. I’m so sorry it won’t last that long but she’ll pine for at least a week

ok that is all i’m so sorry for this shit show of an intro but here is a messy list of wc !

#bigbearintro #literally so pointlessly long but

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prinzessmetal · 5 years ago

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Welcome to my blog. I want to write about some things that I don’t feel comfortable getting into on other platforms as often as they are happening. I want a place to talk about my health struggles in hopes that it will help people choose themselves and their bodies. If I had known 10 years ago the medications and episodes that are part of my life now it might have helped. If someone hurts you and tells you that you can handle something you don’t feel like you can please seek help even if you just tell a friend rather than internalize that. Trigger warning ahead: abuse and health problems. When I was in elementary school I asked my parents to homeschool me. I wanted to do acting full time and I wanted to do music when I was old enough. This is what Judy Garland did according to a bio pic so it was probably a good plan. I had a lot of crazy almost moments. I auditioned for Hannah Montana and Hermione and got pretty far in call backs. I got called in by the guy who signed Britney. My old manager dated Lana Del Rey before she released anything and told me my music was too depressing like his girlfriend’s and I would need to be more uplifting or I would end up like her. I worked from when I was a kid until now. I enjoy telling stories and making art so that some insignificant feeling of mine can blossom into something beyond me. I think a lot of entertainers have a similar set of needs. There’s people who happen upon it and there’s people who live and breathe and die for it. Maybe there’s a hole to fill or they feel things so deeply they want to get it out and set it free. This was the complete focus of my life. Except for love. I wouldn’t trade my work for anything except for a man threatening to leave. I have always been scared of that feeling and I have done some pretty predictable things to avoid it. Dyed my hair, paid for parts for a moped, moved across the country, and allowed another human with a lower iq and no job to break my heart over and over again. I did that several times, I mean, what are your 20’s for? I think a lot of women spent their 20’s feeling like they were raising their boyfriends. But, I stayed when men crossed lines that aren’t just normal and routine and those things ended up hurting me. When I was 19 I moved to Nashville to record an album. My music manager and my boyfriend were both control freaks with a lot of rage. I was “not like the other girls.” At 19 I was a manic pixie repressed dream. I was terrified to be too much or not enough and I was raised to be sweet and soft. I couldn’t imagine yelling back or ruining someone’s wants with my needs. My inner child actor didn’t know how much adult was too much adult. I looked about 13 and I felt about 60. One day my boyfriend was screaming at the top of his lungs and I was concerned about the neighbors hearing it. I had recorded with session players that day in the studio and I didn’t explain to him (as he found from my posts online) that some of them were more attractive than I had let on. I am not sure what level of graphic I will get into on this blog but I will say for now it “got worse.” My mom happened to be calling when this was going on and my pocket answered and she overheard. She flew out a few days later and wanted to know if I was okay. I lied and I told her that he was never like that and he had been under a lot of pressure trying to find a new job. I didn’t want to lose him for whatever reason at the time felt like the end of the world. Some nights I would go for drives to get away and cry to “Razzle Dazzle Rose” by Camera Obscura (great song to drive and cry to) until I had a headache and I would head back home when he had fallen asleep. In the mornings he was always extremely sorry and a completely different person who “would change.” At the end of this relationship I started getting chest pains. I think I went to an ER and was sent home with anxiety. I thought it was weird how badly anxiety hurt my physical heart and odd that it was deemed okay. But it seemed likely true as I was 19. Over the next few years I dated different people some like the first guy and some gentler. I was raised around anger and big highs and lows and angry people thought me to be comforting. I tried my best to avoid mistakes and things that caused problems because I didn’t feel I had the stamina i just wasn’t sure why. It often caused that chest pain I didn’t understand. At 24 my body started not feeling like itself more consistently. I often had chest pain and missed heart beats (pvcs and pacs) and my body hurt a lot for no reason. I felt rushes and I would feel dizzy and faint and out of breath. I was given a variety of names for all this. I had dysautonomia, POTS, autonomic dysfunction, “a weird nervous system” or just anxiety. I read all about different conditions but I didn’t know what I had but I knew my body wasn’t well anymore. I spent the next couple years being known as a hypochondriac. “Nothing is wrong with your heart Molly.” I still associate the hospital’s hold music with the mantra “it’s not your heart” that was routinely on the other end of it. I eventually gave up. I must have had some psychosomatic issue and I was probably crazy and I wanted to start living again. I was tired of chest pain with no cause and angry boyfriends ruling my life. I wanted my music to have a chance and I worked harder than ever. I also experimented with night life and smoked a cigarette or 2 or 3 and I got a few hangovers. I was a normal 20-something. Finally the homeschooled neurotic girl was kind of fun or I became some version of myself I was meant to be had I not taken some wrong turns or slept with the wrong people. I remember people would say to me “I can’t keep up with her she’s wild” and I was thrilled I had never been particularly fun I had always just been working or isolating myself with some guy. Neither cause helped the other and I had nothing to show for the last few years but I felt alive for the first time since maybe grade school. I let myself be free. One day I ate a friend’s edible and I had what I thought was a traditional panic attack. My heart was racing and I wanted to run away from it. A normal bad reaction to edibles. But my heart hurt for days. I couldn’t keep up with my (tall) boyfriend at the pace we normally walked and it was hard wearing the shoes that I did and I started avoiding the stairs. I was out of breath and in a lot of pain and it kept shooting down my left arm. I went back to my (famous and respected) cardiologist and she said not to come back to the clinic anymore as it was causing her team and myself to falsely believe that my problems were cardiac in nature. Except it turns out that I have heart disease. It took 6 cardiologists and a lot of ER visits to get any answers. I’m a young woman trying to get her life set up and I have heart disease. I hear over and over “it’s not your heart” and the hold muzak playing louder and louder and my boyfriends telling me to stop making up chest pain to get away from their rage and my music manager telling me it was stage fright and my old therapist telling me it would go away if I did the work inside my mind. I have Prinzmetal Angina. It got out of control after a bad car accident and a traumatic and stressful month last December. My coronary arteries were spasming shut and I spent January-June getting a lot of stern looks and speeches about anxiety from doctors and nurses all while I really just needed Calcium Channel Blockers and various forms of Nitroglycerin. I intend to pursue my music and art. I’m in a band and I am not going to change and become the normal picture of chronic illness which generally neuters people. I’m still young and intend to stay in touch with that the best I can. Some days I can take over the world and some days I have to stay in bed and some days I need to go to hospital for extra nitro and morphine. A lot happens behind the scenes I don’t always know how to share on instagram and twitter so I made this blog. I like to share my art in those places which I consider to define me more than how my body is not working. But, it’s a huge part of my experience and I would like somewhere to share it. I don’t normally feel comfortable talking about my bad dating choices and abuse but I think it’s important for people to know that the damage from it can be very real. Prinzmetal Angina was just studied with relationship abuse as being traumatic enough to cause it. I think we downplay how bad abuse hurts us and tell people to just get a grip. Maybe if I had read this when I was younger I would have treated myself differently and chose more carefully who I let near me. I hope you enjoy this blog and take care of your body and appreciate the days you feel free. Xo Joon

#prinzmetal #heart disease #dysautonomia #lupus #joon glume

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tophatsftw · 5 years ago

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I read this auto straddle post, and it spoke to me. let’s go lesbians.

what people are fighting about on Twitter

falconer

sensitive, white girl Ikea decor

being in the Midwest (cheese)

which craft stores are ethically sourcing their wool

why pie charts suck

Having multiple conflicting feelings at the same time

Mitski’s right hand in the Geyser music video

Nora Ephron

trying not to be a U-Haul Lesbian and also being a U-Haul Lesbian

Bottle-feeding kittens

my dog & her various doggy woes

being Very Online™

homophobic 80s-90s action/horror movies

Cate Blanchett

large appliances

screaming and crying in socially inappropriate spheres

Sandra Bullock’s entire filmography

Vermicomposting

unlikely instances of near death experiences

the neopets stock market

animals that look like people

Kristen Stewart’s facial expressions

Apocalypse prepping

Satanic philosophy and history

why queers love My Chemical Romance so dang much

casseroles

cultivating hobbies in your 20’s to feel alive again

a fascination with straight people’s behavior

I also am extremely into bees. Like, my dudes, you have — I swear to you, on my mom, that this is an absolute fact — never, ever met someone who knows or cares about bees as much as I do. Everybody says, “Oh, I love bees; hell yeah, save the bees!”… but they’re only ever talking about the European honeybee, apis mellifera, a species transplanted from its original endemic territory to support large-scale agriculture, a practice that has had a purely negative impact on the earth and upon ourselves ever since humanity’s shift to agrarian society from hunter-gatherer culture circa 3000 BCE. Have any of these people who “love bees” even HEARD of solitary species? Do they know about thyreus nitidulus, the neon cuckoo bee? It’s blue! It’s beautiful!

intersectional Satanic feminism

boobs??!

eating a 1lb bag of Sour Patch Kids in under an hour

MILFs

Cringey mid-2000s teen dramas that had too few lesbians

Paul Giamatti’s film and music career

baseball caps worn backwards

Amish romance novels

everything about donuts

wholesome thirst trapping

the Venn diagram of Janelle Monae and Carly Rae Jepsen fandom

insulting men who say gross stuff to me in my DMs

…cooking pasta?

saying embarrassing things that make me want to die in a hole

going on 100 first dates without ever getting a second

Committing to a bit that was never that funny to start with, but now that I’ve started you can pry it from my cold dead hands

knitting penis-shaped pillows

identifying what episode of The Nanny it is based on C.C. Babcock’s hair

running long distances very slowly

puppets, just all types of puppets

communications cables and antennas

girl groups of the ’60s

moss

The Devil Wears Prada Cerulean Monologue

telling people to quit things they should quit

power tools one can rent from Home Depot

Hayley Kiyoko (I’m a three-time award winner of the “Most Likely to Mention Hayley Kiyoko in a Piece Not About Hayley Kiyoko” award at [redacted publication])

Irish country singer Daniel O’Donnell

golden retrievers

geology, specifically volcanoes

Fyre Festival

The Boys Are Back In Town

Film bros and how to shut them down

ruining vegan cakes by accident

having two straight women as best friends

loud eyeshadow

horses, Jodie Foster

Which Lana Del Rey Song to Make Out To

Mid 2000’s MySpace/Emo Culture

lesbian weddings (not my own)

Charcuterie Boards

the perils of being Very Tall Indeed

media to watch while stoned

escape rooms

18th century satire

basket-weaving, I am not kidding do you want to see a picture of my basket

Hannibal Lecter

History of the ball-point pen

swords

old dyke stuff

I’m not a sex toy expert, but I’m sure I could learn

drawing ugly stick figures

70’s soft rock

A-Camp

Big Little Lies, the audiobook of Big Little Lies

middle aged actresses

Bath and Body Works candles

consuming popular media years after everyone else and letting people enjoy it again vicariously through you

how to take care of a backyard above-ground pool impulsively purchased at Target in Denver, a place with no water and weird weather (an ongoing investigation)

spending money I don’t have to support women on Kickstarter

a deep knowledge of 1800s British literature that I did not ask for

treating your plants as your children

HORSES

Should a Duggar ever come out, I am READY to write that article yesterday

aggressive inline skating

Barbra Streisand; circus history

identifying British birds

being an Appalachian in New York during the Year of Our Dumpster Lord 2019 when the New York Times seems determined to profile everyone I’ve ever been to Walmart with

being friends with theater people

how to make couples fall in love with you even when they totally thought they were just going to “try” a threesome “once” lol

Linoleum

#autostraddle #lgbtq

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thepropertylovers · 5 years ago

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A Definitive (And Totally Biased) Ranking of Every Song on 'Lover'

Have you listened to Taylor Swift’s new album yet? It’s already 2019 biggest selling record and we can see why. When T. Swift releases an album, it’s pretty much all you hear about for the next few months (and the few months beforehand, to be honest). So why don’t we count down the best songs on ‘Lover’?

Thomas is a huge Taylor Swift fan, and now that her new album ‘Lover’ has been out for over a week (and he’s listened to it approximately 113 times), he thought it would be fun to rank the songs in order from worst to best. You may agree with some of the choices and you may not, but we can probably all agree that the first half of the album is infinitely better than the second half, which is typically what you get with Swift.

Red may be her best album lyrically, but this album is probably her most fun. Even PJ (who isn’t a huge TS fan by any means) turned to me the other day and said he thinks this is his favorite album she’s ever put out, and is particularly loving ‘Afterglow’. On this album, she’s giving us HAIM, she’s giving us Lana Del Rey, she’s giving us Postal Service, she’s giving us country (?!). Are there too many songs on this album? Probably. Are some of them skippable? Most definitely. But when Taylor Swift blesses us with a new album every few years, it’s an event, and like any event, we need to make a big deal of it. So without further ado, here are the best and worst songs from ‘Lover’:

18. False God

Taylor doing R&B? I knew from the first listen of this song that it would be my least favorite on the album. I appreciate the lyrics, and she’s the sexiest she’s ever been, even more so than ‘Dress’, but it still feels off for her to be doing R&B. It’s not a bad song (does Taylor make bad songs?) but it’s not my favorite.

Best lyric: Staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town, I’m New York City, I still do it for you, babe.

17. Daylight

This is a beautiful closer, and not a bad song in the least (the words are gorgeous), but this is no ‘New Year’s Day’ or ‘Clean’ for me. It took me a couple of listens to find the melody, but overall it’s a solid closing song that wraps up everything she’s feeling very nicely. I think I just prefer the songs on the first half of the album so much more that this song never really stood a chance for me.

Best lyric: I wanna be defined by the things that I love, not the things I hate, not the things I’m afraid of…I just think that you are what you love.

16. You Need To Calm Down

What could I say about this song that hasn’t already been said? It was supposed to be the LGBTQ+ anthem (maybe it still is?) of the summer, but I think it missed a few of the points of what it means to be an ally. Still, Swift is the only big, heterosexual superstar actively coming out and supporting LGBTQ+ rights in her songs, and the fact that she’s trying so hard to pass the Equality Act is amazing. Plus, it’s catchy as hell.

Best lyric: And I ain’t trying to mess with your self-expression but I’ve learned the lesson that stressing and obsessing about somebody else is no fun. And snakes and stones never broke my bones, so.

15. ME!

Where do we even begin with this song? As the first single from ‘Lover’, it was polarizing to a lot of people. PJ and I stayed up until midnight when it was released and we were in bed watching the music video on our laptop and just kept going what? what….? WHAT?! Over and over again with each verse and chorus, and then when the “Hey kids! Spelling is FUN!” line happened, we almost shut our computer down. Thankfully they removed that line from the album version and it instantly made the song better. I think at the end of the day this is a fun, positive, and uplifting song that I actually enjoy, it just surprised me that a person of Swift’s talents was the one who wrote it. But I guess not every song has to be at an ‘All Too Well’ level, and this song is so damn catchy, does it really matter that it’s mot as good as the others?

Best lyric: I know that I went psycho on the phone, I never leave well enough alone, and trouble’s gonna follow where I go.

14. Soon You’ll Get Better

This song, y’all. It’s so beautifully heartbreaking. It’s similar to ‘The Best Day’ in the fact that it’s about her mom, but it couldn’t be more different in tone and feel. The lyrics are so beautiful and honest and raw and real, and the addition of The Dixie Chicks in the background (who I’m pretty sure were put on this earth to harmonize melodies to perfection) absolutely complete the song for me.

Best lyric: And I hate to make this all about me, but then who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do, if there’s no you?

13. Death By A Thousand Cuts

I don’t know what it is about this song, but this is one that I always skip whenever it comes on, even though I technically don’t have a problem with it. I guess it’s just I would rather listen to the other songs more than this one, which is why it’s lower on the list. It’s not a bad song, though, and I sing along to it whenever it’s on, but it’s not one of my favorites.

Best lyric: I look through the windows of this love even though we boarded them up.

12. It’s Nice To Have A Friend

This is probably the weirdest song on the album, but I absolutely love it. It gives me major Postal Service vibes, but it’s quirky and fun and playful. I love the innocence of it and the feel it evokes, even if I don’t entirely know what it’s about or what she’s trying to say/the point of the song is. But she is right, it is nice to have a friend. Mr. Rogers would be proud.

Best lyric: Lost my gloves, you give me one, wanna hang out? Yeah, sounds like fun.

11. The Archer

I really like this song, and the only reason it’s on the lower half of this list is because I love her fun, more up-beat songs on the album so much. But I love the words and the angle she’s coming from on this one. And I will casually find myself singing, “All the kinds horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put me together again.” over and over randomly throughout the day. Even when she doesn’t write the words, Swift has an ear for catchy rhymes.

Best lyric: Easy they come, easy they go, I jump from the train, I ride off alone, I never grew up, it’s getting so old.

10. I Forgot That You Existed

I think as an opener it’s a pretty solid song. The title is a little trite, but the words are clever and I like the point of view/outlook she’s coming from when she matter-of-factly states that she doesn’t love the person or hate them, she just doesn’t really think about them at all. Which, to me, is the definition of moving on and is a lot easier said than done, but is so worth it when you finally get to that state of mind.

Best lyric: I forgot that you existed. It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference.

9. London Boy

Sure this song is silly and has a very questionable opening line, but it’s also one of the most fun on the album. Having never been to London before, I really got a sense of what it’s like by Swift listing all of the things she loves so much about her boyfriend’s hometown. Plus listening to her list everything she loves about Joe is adorable, even if she doesn’t do the best British accent. Bonus points for mentioning Tennessee AND for an intro by Idris Elba. Swoon.

Best lyric: But something happened, I heard him laughing, I saw the dimples first and then I heard the accent. They say home is where the heart is, but that’s not where mine is.

8. Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince

Taylor at her most Lana-like, almost even more so than ‘Wildest Dreams’. The melody and the beat and the lyrics and the way she enunciates (and the fact that it has the word Americana in it, which is LDR’s favorite topic to sing about) reminds me so much of Lana Del Rey that I almost wonder if this should have been a duet between the two queens. I like this song because it’s interesting and the metaphors are killer. The lyrics are creative, clever, and put to good use, too.

Best lyric: Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men?

7. Paper Rings

Another fun one! I told my sister that I kind of wish she would have put this type of song out about 10 years ago because it seems a little juvenile for a 30 year old to be singing, but it’s a cute love song that is almost impossible not to dance to. It also reminds me of one of my favorite movies of all time, Clueless. Can’t you just picture Cher riding around in her Jeep with her friends listening to this song and living her best life?

Best lyric: I like shiny things but I’d marry you with paper rings uh-huh, that’s right, darling, you’re the one I want.

6. Afterglow

This is a song that grew on me, mostly because this is PJ’s favorite song on the album and I somehow always end up loving whatever song PJ likes in the end. I love how she frames a very common topic in relationships, though: that your head can make up some messed up shit sometimes and you will say or do things you don’t mean in the moment because you’re so upset. But acknowledging that you’ve made a mistake, that it’s all your fault and they didn’t do anything wrong, is the best thing you can do to correct the situation. And it really shows Swift’s maturity as a person and as a songwriter to include a song like this on her album. Also, this is PJ’s favorite song on the album, so I feel like I should have included it a little higher on the list. Sorry, baby!

Best lyric: Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves.

5. Lover

The most atmospheric song on the album. I wanted to not like this song because it’s so heavy and schmalzy, but I really do love it. Y’all know I’m sappy lovey-dovey, and this song is one big love letter to love, which is what she said her album is all about, so naturally I’m placing it high on the list. Me and PJ listened to this song the other night while we were in bed talking and it was the perfect background song to just be with him.

Best lyric: Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close? Forever and ever.

4. I Think He Knows

This song is SO MUCH FUN. It’s cute and poppy and boppy and I love the confidence she’s giving us. This album has a lot of 80’s sounding songs, almost more so than ‘1989’, and this is one of the best examples of it. The part right before the last chorus when the music really picks up and she belts, “I think he knooooooows!” gives me major Mariah Carey vibes and I am so here for it. Chills, every time.

Best lyric: I got that uhh, I mean, want to see what’s under that attitude. I want you, bless my soul.

3. Cornelia Street

I always think she’s at her best when it’s just her penning the songs, and this is a prime example. It’s sweet and a little melancholy, but the lyrics are so strong and you can’t help but sing along to the chorus when she sings, “And I hope I never lose you, hope this never ends.” And to be honest, I didn’t want the song to end, either.

Best lyric: Years ago we were just inside, barefoot in the kitchen, sacred new beginnings that became my religion, listen.

2. The Man

This. Song. Is. So. Good. She’s been extremely vocal the last few years about feminism, and this song wraps everything up in a big bow and delivers it with all of the Haim-inspired gusto it can muster. The beat and music is full on Haim, but the smart and sharp lyrics are all Swift. So many good points made and I love the Leo reference in Saint Tropez. Also, I didn’t know how to pronounce Saint Tropez until this song, so I really owe her a lot for this one.

Best lyrics: If I was out flashing my dollars I’d be a bitch, not a baller, they paint me out to be bad, so it’s okay that I’m mad.

1. Cruel Summer

For me, this song rivals Blank Space in how good of a song it is, which is a big claim to make, and the reason it comes in at number 1. The tempo, the picture it paints, how you feel when you listen to the song. The lyrics and the melody, it all just fits and makes me feel like I’m driving in a convertible with the top down, cruising down the California highway as the sun is setting. Not that I’ve ever done that, but that’s how powerful this song is! It paints such a vivid picture and is easily one of her best songs to date.

Best lyric: He looks up grinning like a devil!

There you have it! Have you listened to the whole thing yet? What are your favorite songs on the album?

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newmusicmonthly · 5 years ago

Text

2019

Hello,

Missed me?

No longer a monthly mailer – just another end of year round up.

On reflection, perhaps I’ve played it a bit safe this year, but I didn’t feel there was as much great music out there as in previous years.

Yes, I too use Google, so I have listened to all the end of year Best Of lists online, and so those artists not included just didn’t resonate with me this year.

I maintain ‘bad guy’ off Billie Eilish’s record sounds like a Super Mario bonus level (probably in a spooky dungeon)… which I suppose isn’t a bad thing. And I love Lana, but I just didn’t think the latest record was all that. And the same was true of Angel Olsen, Nick Cave, Kanye, Hot Chip… but don’t get me started on Bon Iver: avant-garde “Kum ba yah” at best (sorry Rob).

But then that’s part of the joy of music, variety and differing opinions… so please share yours! What have I overlooked? What should be revisited? Where in the depths of streaming services is that killer track from 2019?

For now, here is my list of songs, somewhat crowbarred into the monthly format (as mentioned, this email was once called New Music Monthly Mailer with five tracks a month, and surely we need some level of constancy and accountability this year).

Enjoy, or not – but please do share your own choice picks.

Merry Christmas.

R x

NEW MUSIC 2019

JANUARY

Sharon Van Etten - Seventeen Just go and watch her performance from Glastonbury: https://youtu.be/BM6jn891seU Seriously, from 2:45, just fucking brilliant.

J.S. Ondara - Saying Goodbye Lovely acoustic number and a great voice that evokes Tracy Chapman.

Basekou Kouyate, Ngoni ba - Kanto kelena (feat. Habib Koite) Malian ngoni master returns to acoustic roots.

Delicate Steve - Selfie of a Man Synthy silly catchy instrumental pop-rock.

Steve Gunn - Vagabond Guitar troubadour telling stories of solitude with unostentatious guitar tones.

FEBRUARY

Mara Balls - Ikävä ikävää Driving Finnish Doom-lite.

Julie Jacklin - Body A narrative masterclass, sombre and brooding, but also simmering and pulsating.

Strand of Oaks - Weird Ways Big widescreen rock, which builds into a gorgeous swirl of sound, with Timothy on fine yet reflective form, backed by the band of My Morning Jacket.

Crows - Hang Me High Long awaited debut from Idles approved band, loud fuzz Mary Chain / Dom Keller vibes.

Kel Assouf - Fransa Desert blues, with all the best Tuareg styling, but added beefy production.

MARCH

Nick Waterhouse - Man Leaves Town Mr Waterhouse and band well in the pocket.

Dave - Streatham Heavy beats and piano lines soundtrack story of growing up in SW16.

Karen O, Danger Mouse - Turn The Light Danger Mouse brings the gentle disco grooves underneath Karen’s swooning vocals.

Small Feet - The Lake Down tempo reverb and echoes float throughout this woozy directionless jam.

The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Tombes Oubliées BJM do what BJM do best... in French.

APRIL

The Comet Is Coming - Summon The Fire How can you not move to this?!

W.H. Lung - Empty Room Great new band (c.f. mailer 2017!), and as I already included ‘Inspiration!’ this is my second favourite cut from a top album.

Josefin Öhrn + The Liberation - Feel The Sun Another great artist (championed back in 2016 I think you’ll find), spectral psych grooves.

Weyes Blood - Mirror Forever Great opening line, there’s a coldness but also strangely comforting.

Foxygen - News Now a lot people had fallen off the Foxygen wagon recently, including me, but this is catchy melody filled vibes, with a completely unexpected stonking T-Rex style groove that kicks in around the 3:30 minute mark

MAY

Lizzo – Juice Speaking of good vibes… I mean, again, just go watch the Glastonbury set: https://youtu.be/R9CTs1NsZRI.

Tyler, The Creator - EARFQUAKE Production values: A*, chances of not leaving… C-

The 100 Knights Orchestra - Soul Fugue Celebrating Daptone Records 100th RPM single, this special features every horn player the label has ever worked with, and it is glorious.

Death and Vanilla - A Flaw In The Iris Devendra Banhart vibes to begin, fazing in Mazzy Star style reverb and guitars.

Desert Sands - Are You There The best psychedelic space rock released… ever!

JUNE

Rose City Band - Fog of Love Warm tones and laid back ambles, which has producer Ripley Johnson’s stamp all over it.

Madonnatron - Goodnight Little Empire Disco ditty extraordinaire.

The Black Keys - Lo/Hi Have you heard of ZZ Top? You have?

The Amazons - Doubt It Future rock heroes get dark.

Fat White Family, Parrot and Cocker Too - Feet - Parrot and Cocker Too Remix Gone for the remix version of this great track: what isn’t improved by added shakers and throbbing techno?

JULY

Michael Kiwanuka, Tom Misch - Money (with Tom Misch) The first of two Kiwanuka tracks in this list, but this was a standalone single, and has all the bubbly bass groove it was impossible not to include.

Drake, Rick Ross - Money In The Grave (Drake ft. Rock Ross) Speaking of money… bounce!

DOPE LEMON - Salt & Pepper Weird keys give way to J.J. Cale style guitar noodles, whilst Angus heaps on the druggy references adding to the meandering stoned atmosphere.

The Quiet Temple, Moon Duo - The Last Opium Den On Earth (Moon Duo Remix) Speaking of druggy… 12 minutes of acid psych jazz in the last opium den on earth.

Nev Cottee - Hello Stranger Cinematic and pastoral, but also searing

AUGUST

Palace - Running Wild Top class indie pop nugget with great simple guitar solo to end.

Kandodo 3 - Everything Green's Gone This definitely isn’t for everyone: think Nine Inch Nails soundtracks at their most impenetrable, if you can make it two thirds of the way through this 13 minute wig out, there are some great slide guitars.

Clairo – Bags Breakout bedroom pop with one of the hookiest melodies all year.

Mini Mansions - Works Every Time Behind the beat smooth grooves.

Death Hawks - Whisper Squelchy over produced 80s style pop bananas,

SEPTEMBER

Native Harrow - Can't Go On Like This Inevitable Laurel Canyon / Joni Mitchell comparisons on this retro analogue sound ballad.

Ty Segall - The Arms Ty does a rare acoustic number, and even throws in a rather tasteful mandolin line.

Pixx - Funsize Synth bleeps and beats disguise a Radiohead-esque creeping guitar line.

Sleater-Kinney - The Future Is Here Love the motorik dirge vibes here, underpin lovely vocal lines and melodies which remind us: the future is here, and we can’t go back.

Marika Hackman - i'm not where you are Great pop hooks and guitar lines.

OCTOBER

Dylan LeBlanc - Renegade I’m a big fan of LeBlanc and his retro stylings, and this track is super lilting 80s driving rock.

TOOL - Pneuma I struggled to get TOOL for a while, but this record and this track in particular is fucking phenomenal.

Lightning Dust - Devoted To Amber Webber and Joshua Wells’ solo project (previously of Black Mountain), conjure spectral dreamscapes.

Sturgill Simpson - Remember To Breathe Sturgill goes electronic rawk – and Tomoyasu Hotei wants his production back.

Michael Kiwanuka - Hero Here he is again, with the standout track from a truly brilliant album.

NOVEMBER

Kelsey Waldon - White Noise, White Lines Kentucky country groove rock.

WIVES - Waving Past Nirvana Churning fuzz rock underpins laconic loose vocals, cool.

Pumarosa - I See You Tense synth verses give way to soaring superb choruses.

Jaako Eine Kalevi - Dissolution Finnish synth pop architect doing a very good Matthew Dear impersonation.

Warmduscher - Midnight Dipper “The offspring of a match made in hell between Fat White Family and Paranoid London” – full-on sleazy glam.

DECEMBER

Pond - Don't Look at the Sun (Or You'll Go Blind) – Live My favourite track the band perform live, now finally available on streaming.

Staff Benda Bilili - Jamais de la vie The famous Congolese street band return with tight uplifting grooves.

Khruangbin, Leon Bridges - Texas Sun Sit back, open a cold one, and enjoy (when summer comes back around).

Jimmy "Duck" Holmes - Catfish Blues Mississippi delta blues from the 72 year old Holmes, produced by Dan Auerbach.

Mikal Cronin - Show Me Long-time Ty Segall collaborator serves up some Tom Petty-esque soft rock.

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