#i don’t wanna be mean to myself but theres not one physical aspect that i like. not one

[nahalism]

There’s this girl who has been in me for two years and no matter what I do, it doesn’t go away. I have periods where I’m doing great and also not. When I’m not doing great, I think about her and it drives me crazy. When I’m doing great, I work on myself, feel better, but then it hits me harder. As if she gets closer. She comes in dreams, but I can also feel her. Never bad, it always has been warm and pure. She changed me and my life. Unknowingly. It made me spiritual. Weird thing, we only spoke online. The past three weeks the dreams turned into nightmares and it’s not warm and pure. Its not like the other dreams, where I felt both of us where there. I’m not sure if my fears are hunting me, or if it’s really happening. She ignored me in the dream, walked away and was with another guy. She had a relationship and I was happy for her, but this just feels different. The dreams make me not wanna sleep and this sounds even crazier, but i feel like I sense her being intimate w another guy. It’s a gross feeling in my body and idc about nothing, but this drives me mental. Idk what it is or why her. Never had this with any girl. Not the ones I dated either. Tbh I asked myself if it’s me linking this awaking to her, but this awaking happened 4/5 after we stopped talking. I asked myself if I portray my desires on her, but it can’t be. The first time I’ve seen her face on a photo, i don’t know what it was, but I heard “she’s part of you” and honestly not one day since then has been without her in my head. Beside that she’s my opposite. It can’t be real. She’s on every guy and very open minded, while I am very private and just want to be in a relationship rather than being w everyone a little bit for a while. I know it’s weird. I did not tell her this or anyone I know, cuz how tf do you explain. I accepted it all. We either speak, meet or will never, but I can’t bare living w these dreams and gross things in my body. You seem honest, whatever it is I’m curious about your thoughts. Have you felt anything similar or have tips on how to get rid of this?

hey. in advance, this is going to be really long – i 100% believe in unexplainable spiritual, emotional, mental ties that occur between people, whether they're built over time, or instantaneous. i think sometimes those quick intense bonds need to be watched though, because whether or not theres a true vibrational match underlying them, they tend to have their roots in trauma or unconscious conditioning.

its hard to speak on your situation because i dont know the depth and breadth of you guy's conversations. im weary of filling you with a false perception or confidence that theres potential between you, when i have no evidence to support that. there may or may not be something between you both, but ill gear my observations toward your own self enquiry, then hopefully if there is potential between you two, that self inquiry will put you in better stead to further cultivate your relationship with her and yourself.

disclaimer: i know you said you dont think your projecting your own desire on to her, but i have to speak the truth of what i feel with the facts i have. – often what we feel in relation to other people is a deep mirror of something operating within ourselves. since most people are usually unaware of what those aspects within them are, we feel drawn to understand them and relate to them by understanding ourselves through the people we are drawn to. this means you may not be actively projecting your feelings on to her, but that she is a larger projection of something you resonate with/feel. if not, she wouldnt be such a high vibrational match to you and showing up for you the way she is, and intensely as she is.

if the truth of the situation is that you feel bonded to this girl beyond physical explanation, (a connection so deep its awakening things within you you never felt before), then my question for you is, why haven't you spoken to her about it, or made moves to actively pursue her? im not saying divulge the full depth of your feelings and experiences straight away, because telling her all that at once might be a bit intense and scare her off. (not because what you feel is wrong, but because it can be confusing to have someone feel all these things about you without having met you, or truly gotten to know u. she may feel unduly fantasised about or fetishised which will enhance a feeling that the relationship is one way & feel way too intense, yfm?)

anyway, the fact you feel all these things but are so quick to accept that you 'may never meet her and nothing may ever come of it' seems like complete passivity and almost a rejection of pursuing what you deep down desire or yearn for in order to protect urself/ ur feelings/preserve ur pride from rejection/failure? (or even out of the feeling that even if your current relationship is limited, at least it still exists which is better than nothing). regardless of the reason, the fact your talking to me about this and haven't addressed it with her, is an issue, and the part you need to get to the bottom of. regardless of if she feels the same right now, its fully possible that had you moved to her, she may have awakened to that same feeling, and same connection you feel toward her. the fact that you didnt, and werent vulnerable with what you were feeling in the moment is what allowed that chance to slip.

what may be haunting you in the form of those nightmares may therefore not even have anything to do with her being with other guys. it could be a reflection of the discomfort you feel deep down toward all you feel but haven't voiced/acted on. if that resonates, then it could be that the disgust/grossness you feel, is less about her actions, and more about you having fumbled an opportunity to be in a role you secretly desire to be in with her due to your own inability to act on what you feel. – again, if that resonates question: is that theme present somewhere else in your life? wanting something deeply but not striving to attain it because you feel its futile and out of your reach? – if thats the case, are the intensity of your feelings truly about her, or do they exist in relation to her in as far as she represents something desired but unattainable. –––– if im completely off here then question why it is that you cant bare to think of her with someone else. you cant bare to perceive her in the way you usually feel comfortable doing, specifically because she feels distant to you and attached to someone else.. yet you also havent done the work to make sure that wouldn't be the case?

who knows. it could be that she is a part of you. whether thats as a life partner or as a teacher, only you and she can answer that. her being your opposite doesn't mean she cant be perfect for you, and her being more liberal with her approach to dating at the moment doesn't mean that she may not desire containment and a long term relationship. but in order for that to manifest, you also have to show up in your authority and as the kind of person she feels willing to be in a relationship with. being blasé or nonchalant is not cool and is not the embodiment of that energy.

this is all hypothetical of course, because idk if her feelings toward you are mutual. if they are, id suggest you do the work to make yourself emotionally and physically available to her. dont fear rejection or assume that if shes into you she'll drop everything and make you a priority. you may have to put in work and show up as a solid figure for a while for the situation to unfold.

if she isnt in to you, try not to beat yourself up or feel weird for 'inventing scenarios' in your heard. your not weird, your working through something, and as time passes the lesson will be whats prominent, not the circumstances that brought you to learning it. take the l, charge it, just do the work to make sure u arent caught slipping again.

i genuinely hope this helped and that i didnt just make u feel more misunderstood. im sending u love and all the resolve necessary to be able to assert yourself accordingly in this situation!!! may you get your desired outcome, and that regardless of whether u do or dont the growth that comes from this is the most beautiful part. ty for trusting in me enough to share with me and lean on me <333333333333

bon chance !

[httpstes]

*+:｡.｡astro observations lll *+:｡.｡

Links to other astrovations: Astro Observations l, Astro Observations ll, Astro Observations IV, Astro Observations V, Astro Observations VI

+ Gemini moons tend to make friends really easily unless badly afflicted in the 11th house or to venus, these people can charm the pants off of anyone.

+ Aries sun, water moon are really cool people. However lots of them don’t even seem to hold the stereotypical aries traits but when you cross these individuals, Lord have mercy, they scare the LIVING hell out of me istg. Aries is a pretty sensitive sign, put that with a water moon which is intuitive and connected with their emotions, they really can be brash with their actions and act on impulse but they do it with such force it’s impact is long standing, this can be both a good and bad thing.

+ Mercury in cancer are the people to give advice based off their personal experiences, depending on where mercury is placed or the aspects to it, their advice is connected to emotional sentiment. Therefore their advice can be very heartfelt but at times not rational. Cancer,ruled by the moon, doesn’t lead with the head but rather the heart, this can cloud their judgement on situations. These people are great at influencing others as their power of persuasion is real, they can get into people’s hearts and make them feel something.

+ If you don’t relate to your sun sign look to where it’s placed in your chart. You may hold traits of the sign that naturally rules that house. For example an aries sun in the second house may relate to more of the traits taurus has because taurus rules the second house.

+ 4H stelliums are really sweet and care deeply for others. For some reason no matter what sign dominates their chart, a 4th house stellium eases it out. However a lot of people i’ve met with 4 house stelliums carry a lot of emotional baggage. If there are malefic planets in the 4h it can indicate growing up dealing with or being around a lot of negative people/environments. These people however always seem to have some strong connection to their childhood, regardless of what happened or how they remember it, there will always be some sense of nostalgia that comes by every once in a while.

+ Cancer/Taurus placements unless mixed with air find it hard to let go of physical possessions that loved ones gave to them. In worst cases they can hoard a lot of items that seem to have no use other than the emotional value that they have. Lots of cancer suns I know including myself have a lot of random items that a family/friend gave years ago and even if broken we keep it for the nostalgia and memory. Istg were the type of people to keep a shell that some random girl on holiday gave to us 6 years ago on a beach💀 I know that’s oddly specific BUT IVE HEARD TOO MANY SIMILAR STORIES LIKE THIS COMING FROM OTHER CANCER PLACEMENTS THAT I HAD TO BRING IT UP LMFAO😭

+ If someones mars touches your moon in synastry, wow just wow. I mean id say there’s a lot of sexual chemistry, idk man baby making placement literally😭 Theres a natural understanding between these two that no words are needed. Mars knows what Moon wants and pushes through to get it, Moon knows how to comfort and care for the Mars person. Really beautiful in of itself too :) I wanna make a synastry observations post now

+ Venusians and virgo placements may be really into skincare and beauty related natural remedies that can enhance physical features. I feel also, specifically virgo and taurus lean more towards natural remedies in terms of curing things or healing oneself.

+ Capricorn and 10H placements aspire and dream of being successful and admired by others. They want to be recognised for their hard work in whatever they pursue or have talent in.

+ Pluto in the seventh may have a lot of transformational relationships. These relationships usually teach them something and helps them shed old skin and grow a new one. They can attract a lot of toxic or obsessive partners too. Applies to Venus-Pluto as well.

+ The 22degree (kill or be killed degree) on your sun doesn’t have to indicate literal death, you could have a lot of ego deaths and change in identity, same could go for the ascendant with the 22 degree but more with how you present yourself to the world and your physical appearance.

+ Leo mercury’s are very expressive and dramatic. Some of them can come off as quiet when you first meet them but when you get to know them omg it’s like the way they communicate changes completely. Leo mercury’s are quite noticeable imo no matter if they’re extroverted or introverted, you can just tell 😭

+ I always see scorpios and leos have really strong romantic relationships with each other or strong friendships. This doesn’t only apply to sun signs but rather if there’s scorpio or leo in either of the peoples big three there will be a natural attraction. This can be a very passionate and beautiful relationship but from what I’ve seen the relationships can end just as passionately and not on a good note.

+ I have a lot of pisces risings friends and these people are all so different from each other. OTHER than the fact they are all great people to confide in. They’re all so easy to talk to and are there when needed but also give you the space you need in order to think things through. They don’t need people to tell them things, they already know. Pisces risings may not even notice themselves that they’re very intuitive people but they are. They also pick up on body language and can read the room easily. My pisces moon ADORES you pisces risings so much. Love you guys <3

+ Not an observation but are venus sextile mars really common ? Me and literally the majority of my friend group has this placement 😭

+ Venus in someones first house in synastry may be a little superficial but both venus and the ascendant person are immediately magnetised by each other. This placement also works great in friendships as they both admire each other and specifically the venus person loves the way the asc person speaks, acts and also the way they look.

✧･ﾟ: 🫧✧･ﾟ:🫧 ✧･ﾟ: 🫧✧･ﾟ:🫧 ✧･ﾟ: 🫧✧

Ty for reading :) Likes and reblogs are always appreciated!!

[searchingforbucky]

Fic Rec (Part 19) :)

Hi everyone! And welcome to day 1273198172 of quarantine lol. On a serious note, I hope you all are staying safe, happy, and healthy. I know these stories in this list provided me much needed entertainment for the past week or so, and I’m hoping they will help you all the same. I love this AU, its always so fun to see the different routes people take, so without further ado welcome to the Vampire!Bucky Rec List :) *** Means Smut Sorry its a bit short, theres not many out there. The links weren't working so there is none in this.

Biting Cold by @hootyhoobuckaroo

OK so this one I think is a perfect start to the vampire list. This one is absolutely fantastic. So it’s about Bucky and the reader being in a pre-establish relationship, when suddenly some freaky stuff starts happening very close to home. So Buckys a Vampire, and the reader doesn’t know it. But the reader is terrified of vampires. Obviously that causes a little problem. I just really liked how unique of a storyline this was, I love just how genuine the fear was and the emotions they had were. It constantly kept me on the edge of my seat because I was wondering what was gonna happen. I am absolutely in love with protective bucky so you know that this has it lol. And honestly I just really loved how one it was well written, but to reply with something that I had never read before. And I don’t wanna spoil it or anything, but it was just a real nailbiter. Definitely recommend. 

All My Friends Are Heathens by @sebseyesandbuckysthighs ***

OK, so I think this one was the first vampire Bucky story that I ever read, and it’s absolutely fantastic. So this one is about Bucky being a vampire, and he’s amongst the avengers who are all their own sort of “monster“. And the reader comes to visit them, and Bucky is just absolutely drawn to her, and unfortunately she is human. I think my favorite thing about this story is just how well drawn out each character is, I was absolutely invested in not only their relationship growing, but the whole storyline in general. I was obsessed in learning about what the different monsters were, what their little thing was that they did. And I really loved how absolutely cocky and mysterious Bucky was. This one is smutty, but nothings wrong with that LOL. This is just a really good, really head turning story. A lot of twists in this

Bad Things by @xbuchananbarnes *** (kinda)

All right, now this one is really something. So this one was incredibly interesting. It’s about Bucky in the reader being in a pre-established relationship, and he promised to turn her when she turns 28, but in the meantime he makes her move to 10 different places so that way she can get used a whole bunch of different things that she would have to win when she does actually become a vampire. I really liked how mysteries this one is, just how sweet they are together. The fact that her 10th Pl. is what it is, for the reason it is, is something that is incredibly sweet to me.  anyways, I loved seeing all of the little snippets in to how they met, and everything like that. but I really honestly just love how sort of vague it is? If that makes sense? Like there are so many possibilities that your mind is running for miles after you read it. It’s one of those stories that you just keep thinking about, you keep thinking about what the other eight places were, what’s going to happen in the future it’s really awesome. The sequel is even wilder lol.

Thirsty by @jobean12-blog ***

So this one is a short yet sexy little Drabble. It’s technically a vampire Bucky, though it’s not necessarily like a main focus of the story. But I really liked it so I’m going to include it anyway. This one is just you know really cute. It shows the fun little feisty side to them, it’s pretty sexy, some dirty talk that’s like....damn lol. But I really just like stories that show couples are kind of so obsessed with each other, and so in love with each other, that they’re able to have fun in that way no matter where they are. I really liked it 

Craving You by @propertyofpoeandbucky ***

So this one is really cool, this one is about vampire Bucky and succubus reader. It is a compilation of little drabbles, and it’s really interesting. So I love seeing the dynamic between the two of them, just how interesting it is to see how they deal with their lifestyles, and having to do it together. And stuff happens that they have to navigate how they’re going to deal with it. I don’t wanna spoil it but it something that is very interesting to see. It’s also kinda smutty so that’s nice hahaha. Just a really cute, really interesting story

Blood Bound by @the-omni-princess ***

Ohhhhhh man! Now this one! This one is like a TV series I swear, like vampire diaries but a lot better. So this one is about vampire Bucky and a witch reader. And it is so freaking good, and so interesting. So currently is on hiatus, but I thought it was awesome enough to put it in there anyways. Because it doesn’t matter how much of it there is, what there is is amazing. It is like so nailbiting, there’s so many twists and turns and angst, but it’s also incredibly cute. i’ve never read a story like this, and I’m not sure if anybody else could do it like this. And I love how the soulmate idea is interwoven in there, I’m a sucker for soulmates. Honestly it’s like every trope that I love is somehow in this story, but it’s not overwhelming, it’s just really well done. In the world that’s created is so immersive and awesome

In the Dark by @persephone-is-here-omg​

All right, I really like this one too. I think my favorite part about this one is the fact that it relates Canon Bucky to vampire but you. It talks about how Hydra made him a vampire and the torture that he went through because he was a vampire. I really like how it didn’t completely get rid of his story, it wasn’t fully an AU, and that’s so interesting and cool to me man. And I also thought it was interesting seeing all the small little snippet into their relationship. It’s interesting to see EV juxtaposition of how she willingly gives up everything for him, but he got that stuff stolen from hydra. It’s just a really interesting story

Sunshine by @iwillbeinmynest ***

​Alright so this one was amazing. This one is about vampire Bucky, and it’s honestly pretty sad, at the beginning he had basically resigned himself to live a life in the cold. However he needs the reader who somehow can make him feel warm. And that was honestly the cutest part of the story, just how much he loved feeling warm, and she made him feel warm in so many different ways both physically and emotionally and it was so soft. But don’t let that trick you into thinking that this is just a soft story, there are absolutely some crazy things happening in the story. And I absolutely love Tony in this, I think it’s a great representation of him. Such a really awesome story

Men of the Moon by @hellomissmabel

So this one is really cool. It is a vampire diaries a you. It’s also kind of a Stucky x reader but not a Stucky fic if that makes sense? Like Bucky x reader and Steve x reader but no throuple. Obviously, that would be weird because they’re brothers lol. Anyways, now that I just rambled through that. I really love this. I think that all of the characters fit into the vampire diaries characters very well. I’ve honestly never liked vampire diaries, but this made me really like it LOL. I think it was done so much better than the actual show was, why couldn’t the show be like this. anyways, it was just so interesting to read the dynamic between the three characters, and everyone else really. I also loved just how invade the ending was, it’s like I can imagine so many different things happening after it and that’s always something that’s really nice with the story when I can kind of finish it myself.

Hungry Eyes by @lenavonschweetz ***

OHHHHHH this one is SPICY lol. Bucky is one cocky son of a gun. So this one is about vampire Bucky, and for the betterment of the town, him and the reader make a pact that he would feed off of her to avoid suspicion. Except for he would only feed on her wrist because anything else is too intimate. Well that went out the drain real fast. This one was honestly kind of just straight smut lol, but there’s some plot in there that’s really awesome. There’s some awesome tropes, friends to lovers, cocky Bucky, vampire Bucky, SMUT. It all comes together to form a really interesting really well done story. I really liked it  

In the Dark by @waiting4inspiration ***

Oh man, so this one is really interesting too. So this one is about vampire Bucky and werewolf reader, and the reader is an arranged marriage with werewolf Steve. There is a sort of creature war between vampires and werewolves, and that leads to a bunch of problems. But surprise surprise, the reader falls in love with her sworn enemy. And that’s awesome, I love those tropes. I think it’s Really incredible just how well she balances the two worlds, it’s way better than twilight I’ll tell you that right now LOL. But I just really love the dynamic between everybody, there’s angst, there’s fluff, there’s never a time when you’re bored. It’s just left and write something that either leaves you on your toes you’re feeling everything at once. It’s really great. It’s not finished yet but what it’s there is amazing.  

Special: For Heavens Sake by @221bshrlocked​ ***

wow OK, talk about unique. So this one is a vampire reader story, but it was so cool I have to include it. So obviously it’s vampire story obviously, but it also an ABO story, like whaaaaat. So ABO is admittedly the main aspect of a story, but I just thought it was absolutely incredible how well they combined the two tropes. I loved how oh much fuck he was actively trying to be with her, I really love the dynamic between them. I really loved how raw and genuine emotions are, I can’t imagine how scared them both must have been during certain parts of the story, I’m not gonna spoil it but there were definitely some parts where I was on the edge of my seat wondering what was gonna happen because it was so interesting. There was so much happening in the story and it was just awesome.

Thank you all for reading, again, sorry its so short. and sorry it took so long lol. I appreciate you all. :)

[doctorguilty]

ok you’ve all been waiting for it my thoughts on the sonic movie!!!

under cut cause long

so overall! I really liked the movie! I think it sorta landed pretty in the ballpark of what I sorta expected quality-of-plot wise and how much I’d be entertained by it. which is satisfying!!! I’m going to like, stream of thought this, starting with some criticisms which are gonna be kinda hefty cause im critiquing something I care about 

so right away I really disliked the “record scratch so this is me I bet you’re wondering how I got in this situation” opening like I’m not sure if it was intentionally a self aware joke on that being cliche and dumb but it does like, really frustrate me cause my philosophy for most stories is Start your story where it begins!! which made the backstory infodump more frustrating on top of that, like, I think that’s an easy mistake to make to want to spill your Backstory right away but it’s not necessary! the audience doesn’t NEED to know immediately what sonic was like in his homeworld and his tragic separation from it. we already have the audiences suspension of disbelief in play because they know they’re watching.. a movie about sonic the hedgehog in the real world. I think the backstory stuff would have been much more impactful as a flashback later on, especially when sonic’s whole arc is how lonely and isolated he is. it would be a better punch in the heart to later on be like so by the way as a child his guardian probably died and sent him to earth for his own safety. so that was like AUGH you blew it 

next up that i think was unnecessary like, completely, was establishing that sonic already knew the main cop guy and his wife (omg I already forgot their names..because they were not memorable but we’ll get to that fjdsg) and like, secretly immersed himself into their life that’s ?? odd to me? I think it would have been fine to just have sonic be like attached to the whole small town and he thinks the cop is cool and calls him donut lord, and that’s the extent of it like cause the problem is later down the plot when sonic finds out cop guy is leaving green hills and flips out about it.. I’m like, not sure if I believe sonic, immersing himself in their life, had NOT known that was a thing cop guy wanted to do like he NEVER heard about that??? but that’s like whatever 

I don’t really like the cop guy as the protag human like. oof he was very bland and I’m trying to figure out how to put this into words............ I feel like a character like him isn’t someone the audience can really connect to. this guy has a virtually perfect life with a house and a dog and a job and a wife, his Conflict is that he wants to move to california and see more action and save people, but the WEIRDEST thing about it is that the prospect of leaving his little town behind isn’t really shaking him up at all. it shakes SONIC up later, but up until that point.... the cop just has legit a perfect life and it’s kinda sad because sonic appearing in it physically becomes something that immediately has the effect of “starting to ruin it” and thats why the cop is so like, mean about things at first. 

see I don’t really like that it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. if I were to rewrite this keeping the general ideas in mind, I would have opted for a ... paul blart crossed with judy hopps. a guy who’s life isn’t all in order, maybe not living in trash but he doesn’t have a wife, he DREAMS of being a cop and saving people, but he doesn’t quite have what it takes physically/mentally or maybe he’s too afraid to even try. he loves his rural town but thinks like, maybe if I move to the big city I’ll find myself maybe he’s offered a job there for something boring and is like resigning to a boring life idk there’s a lot you can do but you get the idea! a lonely underdog with big dreams. so when Sonic comes into his life, its WAY more impactful to paul hopps.....judy blart...... that Sonic pleads for help saving his life and this sudden adventure isn’t ruining his life either. 

then LATER when we get to sonic being upset that paul hopps wants to leave, it’s less this awkward confrontation “how dare you wanna live your already in motion dreams somewhere ELSE  because people love you HERE” (like .. oof bad take tbh) it would be a much nicer “why do you want to leave your home to become a hero when everyone here already sees you as one” and instead of the shabby like “well I guess I’ll stay because i crossed off saving someone from my bucket list” paul hopps would feel fulfilled he saved sonic and I actually you know what? I’d change up the whole scene with the turtle to be at the end where paul hopps becomes a cop in green hills and he like, saves a turtle crossing the road and is like! that’s what its all about being a hero! like thats cute and resonates with an audience, the message like, being a hero just means being kind and doing the right thing, which is way more suitable for a sonic movie when the sonic series has always been a campy power of friendship thing. 

in a similar vein, the cop being a lonely underdog would give him a better connection with sonic, so that even if he was annoyed by him at first he’d later have the understanding they’re one in the same, you know? connections people!! themes!!!! 

anyway but enough of that au 

so the last thing I’m like iffy about is how robotnik was handled. like jim carry is funny and stuff but it felt like a bit of a mess like, this character is repeatedly reminding us what a hard ass I’M SUPERIOR THAN YOU MY IQ IS HUGE but then being super mega goofy, like I’m all for eccentric scientists but it felt kind of disconnected? and idk like not to be that guy but man.. i remember when sonic 06 came out and everyone hated how eggman was slimmed down to what he looked like in that game jfkdfsgksdj like my brain really doesn’t find a fully slender bodied eggman palatable like......... let my mans be fat ... WHICH tbh I’m a little nervous because at the end of the movie we see this implication that robotnik is turning more visually into the eggman we know with the stache and bald head but I’m worried they’re gonna also go with “and he also gets fat” cause I don’t like that sort of thing, you know? 

i think that’s all for my major criticisms!! but otherwise like! the movie was genuinely really fun and goofy and it felt very in spirit with the sonic franchise! 

if you read bogleech’s post I agree with him whole heartedly that this is the best characterization of sonic. it feels almost like?????? the characterization he was MEANT To have but he always ended  up going TOO MUCH in the direction of confident and cocky and being too cool and successful about it? I love sonic with that hyper teenager-like personality, it’s incredibly charming and cute, like I never Hated sonic as a character but he was defs like... lower on my list of characters in the franchise I found interesting. I felt like I could connect with movie sonic a lot and like! i’d want to be his friend, you know? I really really want to see more of him like that! 

I also agree big time that the movie had the best use of bullet time I’ve ever seen! I’m like omg?? WHY hasnt that ever been a mechanic in a game? 

and overall just like the cuteness like............I literally almost cried when the little girl gave sonic her shoes like AAAAAAAAAAAAA WEEPS............ and the end with sonic getting his own room thats so super cute too!!!! 

oh and the post credits scene with tails was SO FUCKING HYPE like, people in the theater audibly gasped and started being like  YESSSSSSS tails looks really great! 

so like YEAH dabs ,, being a story snob aside it was a fun and cute movie and I’m glad to hear it trumped detective pikachu for a video game movie  I’m glad it’s brought some attention to the sonic franchise! like while it’s cool in some aspects that Nerd Culture is mainstream now, it’s absolutely exhausting the HUGE focus on that is marvel and DC and all that stuff........ like theres nothing wrong w/ liking that but its like.. hm.... idk how to explain it but................. as someone who was bullied a lot in school for liking things like sonic.. like I guess stuff like that people usually see as lame stuff for babies??? superheroes are more like, macho and palatable to adults?? it’s been a good experience for all my normie coworkers to ask what I did for valentines day and I tell them “I saw the sonic the hedgehog movie” and I BRACE myself reflexively to be laughed at but not a single person did they were just like oh cool! how was it? like it really makes me appreciate I got to at least grow up and feel a little more accepted! 

so THATS my thoughts feel free to comment and discuss! 

[21ate]

everyman0

alright guys, i got some things to lay down about the fate of @everyman0. don’t worry: the story is NOT cancelled/going to be left unfinished, but the current hiatus stemming from the past few months may lengthen. i wanna make that clear from the start and also say that this will be a very long post, sorry! with that out of the way, lets talk:

due to recent events that ive spoken about in the past couple of days, and for my own personal reasons as well which ill talk about later down, i will be going through and scrubbing/rewriting certain sections of phase1 of everyman0. this is due in part to my agreement with the author of the callout post/blog that we have worked out in private. the individual has since rescinded their callout, as ive previously acknowledged with my last reblog, so theres no need to get up in arms about that part anymore. my focus now is to take responsibility and do what i can to make up for my past mistakes and thoughtlessness, not only as it pertains to the importance of the individual’s comfort, but also as it pertains to my own integrity as a creator

this isnt about whether or not it was fair for the individual to call me out, whether they were right or wrong, whether i am right or wrong, or anything of that sort - apologies have been issued, mutual understanding as been made, and we are moving on being better for it. what this IS about is me doing the right thing NOW, which i will do and continue doing as i have done over my lifetime without hesitation. and now as it always has been and will be, the right thing is to listen, be understanding, continue to learn and grow, and let my actions be the evidence that i am doing all of these things to the best of my ability. the me of around two years ago is vastly different than who i am today, edgier and very bad at planning things and communicating those plans just to name a few shortcomings, but we all have to start from a worse off place before we can reach a better one and is what ive always tried my best to work towards. thus, as the me of today wants to be the BEST of the best until forever, that will come with a bit of sacrifice and lots of work. that is why im deciding it would be in mine, the individual involved, and the fans of the story′s best interest to retcon everyman0 to something else - something better

honestly the initial retconning wont be a dramatic a change as this post may make it out to be thus far. i can only do so much to physically retcon what already exists in the post order without screwing everything up on down the line, so the plan for right now is simply to scrub the relevant section pertaining to the individual - removing images, posts, and so on. and, because this particular section was a set up for an in-story puzzle, i think it will be possible to rewrite, redraw, and restructure this section without too much of a hassle. this will be done over the next couple of days when i have the time

BUT, the long term plan is to not only retcon this specific section, but also rewrite ALL of the first chapter. i dont know how im going to do this yet or when, and i dont know if this may extend beyond just phase1, but phase1 will be where i start with this potentially massive overhaul. will it end up as a universal reboot of the entire blog? im unsure, but its not off the table in terms of my options

im very unhappy with how ive executed certain aspects about this story, and i have been for quite a while now actually. there have been many times where ive thought about doing things over somehow, even before this situation occurred, but i always laid those thoughts aside because i felt like it would be an impossible task and it would nullify and erase the growth that can be seen in my art and in my writing from over the blog’s run time. however, i see now that while yes this will still be a lot of work on my end, it will be worth it if it means putting out something i can be near totally satisfied with. i want to do this story i have in my head the justice i feel it deserves

i care about this situation, i care about this blog, i care about improving myself as a person towards others, i care about improving my abilities as an artist and a writer, i care about all of you who have supported me and enjoy the content i put out - and everyman0 encompasses all of these things in my eyes. whatever it is i have to do to make it awesome for myself and all of you, ill do my best to do exactly that and then some. 

thank you to all the people who have supported me, i wouldnt be where i am or who i am without you, and sincerely i say thank you to the individual who was willing and able to work things out between us in a manner that allows us both peace of mind and closure; it really means a lot. now that thats all said, i hope u all have a great day! ~ REN

[s-nnyd]

hey. all of the qs from the ask meme that apply to you. have fun

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

oh boy well with my dad most certainly not theres a lot situations where its been made obvious that im not the son he wanted but he’ll still use me as an example to show to my lil bro and also like theres a lot of cockiness too and with my mom i love her and i know she loves and supports me but a lot of that is because im her daughter  and id say id have a decent relationship with my mom and i do love her

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

lmao it was you

03: Do you regret anything?

oooooooooooooooooo boi man i been thinking and like ive thought about if ive regretted ever being friends with angie and id like to say that i dont cause shes done a lot and shes given a lot to me whether it be good or bad and ive grown a lot from it and i think that if i completely erased that then i wouldnt be able to work through the things i have and like in other aspects i regret not saying “i think youre cute” to movie girl and knott’s info boy like my goodness they were both so damn cute and i really shoulda said something

04: Are you insecure?

hell yeah i am

05: What is your relationship status?

single right now and i do want to eventually date someone and have that sort of closeness and that sort of relationship where i can feel at peace and rely on someone but i honest to goodness don’t think there’s anyone for me just yet and i don’t think im in a place really to be dating anyone cause i need to resolve things before i try to start something new

06: How do you want to die?

oh man duuude okay so when we read granny weatherall i legit like had a breakdown and i started panicking cause i started thinking about death all of a sudden and like there are situations where ive considered suicide and all but like there are also the times where it feels like its looming over me so much and like i get so so scared like im scared to walk down the pier at the beach at night because it so dark and the point where you look out onto the horizon and the horizon no longer exists and and its just a void and its so dark and like i think thats how i wanna die just im walking out on the pier at midnight and just im swallowed up because i think in the last moments i think i should just confront it

07: What did you last eat?

i had these hawaiian shortbread cookies that are so dang good like mmmmmmmmmmmm

08: Played any sports?

man i used to do tennis and swimming and i would love to go back to it

09: Do you bite your nails?

nah

10: When was your last physical fight?

like one where someone was genuinely hurt? like an hour ago and it was with the ground cause i got flung off my skateboard but for real i think my last physical fight was like kinder

11: Do you like someone?

skdjashjdkashd i doooo and i should noottttt and theres a lot of things i already know that its kinda like the crush is coming from the fact that there was a lot of support and general niceness and a whooollle lot of other reasons why i should not and im looking forward to the day when this goes away

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

my goodness i have and i died

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

hmm i do but i forgot who it was

14: Do you miss someone?

yeah i kinda miss my old self but for real i really miss my cousin lynnette like i havent seen her for like two years and i really needa hang out with her eventually

15: Have any pets?

dang i wish

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

at the moment? p distressed and very in my own head like i really need a break from a lot of other things but i also need a break from myself oh! ill show you my art project that were doing later when i finish it cause like we ended up havign to do an extreme emotion self portrait of how we feel at this point in time and like its hilarious cause ppl pass by it and theyre like “dude are you okay like just looking at that makes me feel bad”

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

dkjasdh i have not but i lowkey wanna just cause

18: Are you scared of spiders?

uH YEAh

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

i would i would and if it was to relive a memory definitely if it was to redo something over differently most definitely if it was to reexperience something wihtout changing something then uh no

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

hhhhhhh oh my goodness lowkey embarrassed to say it cause weve talked about places to snog a while ago and like the last time i did was like in the bushes in the sculpture garden

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

maybe working on the death of a salesman project maybe just getting some rest im really not sure im literally living day to day at this point

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

pfft man i do not wanna have any kids like at all

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

i got two but theyve closed up already since i dont use em

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

art, a bit of dabbling in math, and then also psych like i lvoed the fuck outta that class

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

oh yeah definitely and i think about her a lot i definitely miss meleana and sometimes ill go out and theres a souvenir shop and ill look at the best friend necklaces cause she always got one for us and like i have a box just full of all the halved best friend necklaces and i wonder a lot what would have happened had we still kept contact she was a big gateway to a lot of things in my life 

26: What are you craving right now?

mmm some damn relief but for real tho i want someone to run their hands through my hair and pet it and all like any of the daydreams i have are usually centered around my new haircut

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i? dont? think? so? theres like only one of two people i know of who like ever liked me and that was jolin (the other one is this sophomore from my art class last year)

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

lol no

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

wish i could even get a date

30: What’s irritating you right now?

well i brought up the other ones in our chat and those are the main ones currently so

31: Does somebody love you?

yeah and i think in a lot of situations whether theyre friends or fam im being put on the weird pedestal

32: What is your favourite color?

OH OH OH ITS CERULEAN BLUE LIKE I KNOW ITS REAL SPECIFIC BUT LIKE THAT THAT BLUE IS SO GOOD LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE IT IN PUBLIC MY CHEST SWELLS UP AND MY LUNGS FEEL SO COLD AND THE AIR FEELS REALLY NICE AND LIKE MAN I LOVE THAT BLUE

33: Do you have trust issues?

lol yeah and in the process ive lied a lot and ive gotten so good at lying that sometimes i forget i am lying and the lines between whats truth or not get all blurry (i legit did not mean for that to come off as tumblr-esque as it did)

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

it was me just kinda floating in random space and then i was in a white room with no walls no doors no windows and i just walked around in this open blank space

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

hhhh mrs quiggle

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

sometimes i think i do

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

haH hAH HAH haaa.......no

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

uh i believe 13 oh wait no scratch that i was like 8

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

i needed to get the laundry so...

51: Favourite food?

prolly ramen oh or loco moco cause its so good

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

mmm i think id say i do

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

i was working on my entry for the lawyer firm art contest

54: Is cheating ever okay?

hell no

55: Are you mean?

i think so cruel even just cause i know so much and i think people who know and understand and think so much are in general dangerous cause they calculate their actions and sometimes that scares me cause i cant tell if im doing it on purpose or not but just in general yeah im mean like too many shits are just not given

56: How many people have you fist fought?

like? uh? i think maybe two and both times were when i was like 8 or 9

57: Do you believe in true love?

mmm i do i do and i think a lot of that true love stems from a relationship based on communication, honesty, trust, and a really good friendship as a foundation

58: Favourite weather?

oooOOOOOO okay so do you remember that one time it was raining hard as fuck like sophomore year like i know its real vague but it was legit pouring and like it was actually so bad that everyone adn i mean everyone went into the library to get some form of shelter and there were people who were soaked to the bone and peoples umbrellas were getting broken cause it was so cold rainy and windy like that that kinda weather is my fave

59: Do you like the snow?

uh i think i do?

60: Do you wanna get married?

hell yeah

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

mmmm i get a lil weird on that but i think some of my favorite ones are like being called “love” like “whats going on love” or “you look good today love” like mmm i eat that shit up

62: What makes you happy?

man legend of zelda is makign me so damn happy rn like it legit means so damn much to me adn like theres so much i lvoe about it and i just lvoe talking about it and anything about it in general and like also skateboarding has been making me real happy lately like ive never loved getting hurt more and like that sounds really bad and like my left knee’s nerves are totally shot cause i fell straight on it and messed it up cause i was skating but like theres just soemthing about feeling more within my own body because im gettin some form of physical activity adn im getting hurt adn its like its a reality in its own way and like i really love it and i super love when i get to cruise like it feels so damn esp with my hair now and also what makes me happy is the ppl i find cute every now and then like its genuinely such a nice experience and oh oh i just wanted to talk about it jsut cause but like whenever i get a crush i get real excited and real happy cause like i love getting them gifts and seeing the surprise and the happiness on their faces cause its like oh you thought of me and oh its somehting i really love and like it makes them happy for that glimpse of a moment and like i love talking to them and like when they tell me about things they like or their passionate about its so nice to hear cause its like yes yes yes i support you and i love you i love seeing you happy and like just seeing your brightens my day and like even if i do confess and i do get rejected ive been mroe than lucky cause its like the people i have confessed to have been so gentle with the rejection and so kind with it and its like oh no!! like yes im sad that we couldnt be more but like thank you!!! thank you so much for letting me love you adn letting me give you so much thank you for brightening my days up and lettign me see your smiles and hear your laughs like thank you so much im so glad i could crush on you and like thats another thing that makes me happy and like theres probably a lot more that i could talk about but i think ill leave at that for now

63: Would you change your name?

i been actually thinking about it for a while adn in the times that i have considered it i usually use a game with the customizable name to try it out and like at some point i used Elle and then i tried Lynn and like i dunno im really not too sure and maybe if other names come in the future ill test those out cause truly it doesnt feel like my name is my own

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

mm yeah id think so cause theres stuff we were supposed to talk about that we didnt and uhh yeah

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

say “thanks im really flattered but i really dont think im in a place right now where i should get into a relationship”

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

lmao no

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

uhh the guy at the receptionist desk when i went in to submit my entry for the art contest

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

lol if what we talked about wasnt deep and it wasnt you then itd be mrs quiggle

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

fuck yeah

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

i dont think so like i wouldnt even die for myself

[cas-tellation]

Not What You Thought (I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Know) part 8

Last chapter - Masterlist - Read on ao3

A/N; Firstly; I just wanted to say that I have this fic pretty much mapped out, BUT there's a big empty space between now and the ending -- just because i need some filler stuff that i can use to add some ~development~ that being said, if you want anything specific to happen in this fic, please, please leave a comment telling me as this is the perfect time for me to maybe fit some of that stuff in. Nothing too big, just lil things. (do you want phil to get a pet? do you want more flashbacks from dan? flashbacks from phil? more about their family & all of that?? literally anything little like that that i can write a little bit about)Secondly; here a playlist of all the music i listen to whilst writing (i mean theres other music i constantly forget to add songs whoops) so if you wanna really ~get in the zone~ whilst readin you can go listen to that if you want i guess here it is And finally; lots of people who read this fic are ftm trans and thats great!! all the feedback that i've gotten back from them is so nice, and im very, very happy that this fic is at least somewhat realistic. I, myself, am not trans, however i am agender (demiboy? idk lol im figuring things out still) so i do have ~some~ experience with dysphoria and all that stuff, but at the same time its also amazing to hear what people say(a huge thanks to everyone's who's left comments on this fic so far... they really are greatly appreciated.)

Dan’s tired. He doesn’t want to get out of bed. Doesn’t want to do much of anything, really. The dysphoria is there; strong as ever. Maybe that’s the thing that he hates the most about himself: The dysphoria. Some people say that they understand that; understand the self hatred that comes with being stuck in the wrong body. But really, how could they, if they were cis?

When his mum claims that everything will be okay and that she understands, and that what he’s going through is something that every teen goes through-- isn’t she lying, because he’s not every teen. He’s Dan, not Yazi. He’s trans, not cis. He doesn’t know anybody who is trans - save for a couple of youtubers that he watches, more for the education aspect of being trans than anything else.

He feels alone. He can’t go to someone. Say, Phil. He couldn’t go to Phil and have the other boy comfort him, and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. Because how would Phil know, if he’s cis? How could Phil possibly know? How could anybody? Sure, they could have little glimpses, but nothing tangible. They wouldn’t feel dysphoria.

They wouldn’t feel this tired.

There’s a certain level of self hatred, but a lot of it was just the dysphoria. It makes him want to physically claw off his own skin.

-

School is stressful. He feels like he’s falling apart under the pressure of it. He’s doing too much and yet he still feels like he’s not doing enough. He stops doing his homework completely because whenever he hands it in and gets anything less than a perfect score; he feels like he’s failed somehow.

Of course, he hasn’t failed just because he has gotten a lower score, but still.

His mind is constantly messing with him and he’s so tired.

-

Phil’s embrace is more than welcoming after a long day. Dan melts into his arms, taking a long, shuddering breath and burying his face into Phil’s chest.

Take another deep breath. Now, close your eyes. Feel, where are you?

In, and out, darkness. Phil’s arms, Phil’s body, Phil’s heart, beating slowly and steadily beneath Dan’s cheek, further calming him. Phil’s saying something, maybe asking if Dan’s okay. Or alternatively, what’s wrong.

God, it feels like everything is wrong.

Everything, and it’s all piling up.

It’s too much. It’s all just - too much. He doesn’t know if he can deal with it anymore. He misses the sharp kiss of the blade against his pale skin.

But he’s here in Phil’s arms, safe from physical harm.

l

Only for the time being. Phil would leave and then - and then.

God.

Since when does the world spin like this? Since when does the world hurt like this?

Phil’s arms are drawing tighter around Dan’s thin body, one hand coming up to comb gently through Dan’s ever-so-slightly curly hair.

“It’ll be okay, Danny,” Phil’s saying.

But the thing is, it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay. Because everything hurts but at the same time everything’s so empty and heavy and full and painful. In Dan’s eyes, it’s not going to be okay. Not by a long shot. He feels so broken, and used up, and thoroughly useless.

He’s none of those things.

But his mind refuses to think of himself as anything but that.

Phil’s arms are around him, holding him together. When all Dan is doing is breaking apart.

-

Phil’s gone. He hadn’t wanted to leave. He’d been worried about Dan. They’re all worried, all the time. Phil, the teachers at school, Dan’s parents.

But Phil had to leave.

And Dan is now alone. Feeling the worst that he has in a long time. And he doesn’t know what to do.

-

Everything’s hazy. It’s like he’s looking at his life through a keyhole. Not really there. It’s almost as if he can’t feel anything. Is he dreaming? He can’t remember going to sleep but he still doesn’t feel like he’s properly awake. Through a keyhole. Hazy. Dream-like. Sitting on the edge of a bathtub, rolling up his sleeves.

Numb.

A razor, in his hand.

And god is he really going to do this?

-

Sleep is laced through with unease.

-

The feeling’s not gone the next day. He had hoped that after a good night’s sleep that the hurt would go away.

He doesn’t know how he’s going to make it through the day.

The binder fits too tight. His hair is growing out a little and it only adds to the dysphoria. Everything feels too feminine. Too much. Way too much. Make it stop, please.

-

He walks to school, the overcast sky reflecting his emotional state perfectly.

He pauses, in front of the school door, weighing his options.

Then, he turns around and walks in the opposite direction. Fuck school.

-

He doesn’t go home. God, he doesn’t want to go ‘home’ ever again. He goes to the park instead, where he and Phil had been. Except that now Phil’s not there. Instead, there are countless children and their parents. He almost regrets coming but sits down on the edge of a bench anyway, pulling a book out of his bag and trying to lose himself in the story. At least for a little while.

It’s weird, how invisible he is.

Nobody seems to notice him.

Nobody bothers him.

He almost wishes that he could do this everyday. Until he remembers how much school he’s missing and feels his throat choke up. Too much, this is all too much, and yet not enough.

-

Phil texts him just after noon, when Dan would usually meet him.

Dan doesn’t reply.

-

Everything is falling apart at a steady pace and there’s nothing that Dan can do to stop it.

-

That night, Dan lays in bed, his hands resting on his stomach, tears racing down his cheeks. He thinks, ‘I need Phil’, and then, ‘I need Nicole’, and after that he hates himself a little bit more.

-

The amount of notifications that Dan wakes up to is absolutely horrifying, in his opinion. Dozens from Phil. Even one from Nicole. He breath catches in his throat as he sees it;

Nic: where have you been ive missed u

He doesn’t know if he can reply to it. He does anyway.

Dan: i miss you too.

And he does. Fuck, he does.

He locks his phone again before he replies to Phil. A sick feeling settles in his belly.

-

At lunch the next day, Dan’s almost disappointed to see that Phil isn’t yet sitting on the dusty patch of ground behind the building. He pulls out the same book that he had started yesterday, and begins reading. He’s hoping that Phil will show up.

But scared, too, because he’s so unresponsive. He’s scared that Phil will think that Dan doesn’t like him and he’s scared that Phil won’t see how lost Dan is.

But fear isn’t helping him so he pushes it down and tries so hard to focus on the words in front of him. He doesn’t know if it’s working.

Phil does show up. He’s not mad that Dan hadn’t been there the day before, instead, he was worried about how Dan was feeling.

Phil says, “Hey Danny.”

And Dan says, “I told you to stop calling me that.”

And then Phil hugs him again and all Dan can think is: Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Because what did he do to deserve someone like this? Since when did he get to be with the Good Guy? Since when did someone who actually cared about things pay any sort of attention to him?

Usually it was someone looking for a good fuck.

Or Nicole, who simply didn’t have her life together enough to care.

Dan lets Phil hold him and is scared that Phil will leave once he realizes how well and truly fucked up Dan feels.

-

Feeling good is something that takes a long time. Dan feels a spark of it that night when Phil texts him saying:

Phil: Goodnight dannyyyyyyy <3333

The spark being Dan’s stomach flopping around happily. Happily. Happiness. It’s something that he has a hard time feeling.

But with Phil, it seems to come easier.

-

Dan wakes up feeling a bit more awake than usual. He tells himself that this means he’s getting over the depression, though he can still feel it lurking there, right under his skin, waiting for the worst time to make it’s re-appearance.

It’s horrible, living like this, but at the point that Dan is now at, it’s impossible to avoid.

[illjustblamemypasttrauma]

Hi :)

Its been a while! Life has been fine. Feeling a little better overall, less depressed but also started a new assignment for therapy. I got into TWU for counseling! Kinda stressed cuz gotta figure out everything else now :/ BUT I feel good about having something to look forward to but also feel anxious about ... yikes. I’ve got lots of plans for this weekend (which I’m only mildly anxious about). Going out with my coworker and his friend tonight... gotta be social... but tomorrow I have therapy and then my friend is coming up from austin and we’re gonna go to 6 Flags! <3. Yeah kinda anxious about tonight just cuz like I’m not very social due to like me fearing social situations. Like it just plays to all my insecurities: fear of being weird/different, fear of doing something and looking stupid, fear of people not liking me, etc. I mean I’ve gone out before and tried to be social so it isn’t something completely new, I’m just stressed cuz last time I went out with my coworker we kinda hooked up? not really just basic shit aka me being horny and him being someone I feel comfortable with. I WONT GO INTO DETAILS because I’m kinda embarrassed? anyways I’m stressed also cuz like last time we went it was DEAD and he tried to make me talk to people and like I haven’t had to talk to new people in a long time like I just don’t do it ever. And I said something about that and my coworkers gave me shit about how I need to be more sociable cuz it only gets worse or whatever so I’m just not excited for that aspect of tonight. It’ll be fun tho, I’ll meet his friend, drink free alchy from him and get to chill after a long week.

FOR THERAPY:

How I feel about Crohn’s... I just am Annoyed about it. Like as if my upbringing wasn’t shitty enough I have to worry about taking a shit or being constipated all day everyday. I would worry about people noticing how long I was in the bathroom, worry if I missed something if I went during class (which was almost always), worry if people would hear me shitting in the bathroom (cuz they normally aren’t Good Shits). It was so frustrating just existing and knowing there’s something medically wrong with you and the doctor just doesn’t know what it is. Then they claim its something and give you meds and they don’t actually help. All this while I’m shy/introverted and keeping my mouth shut about my body because I fear it. I fear my mind and body cuz I’m gay and believe without a doubt that its a sin. I’m afraid to talk to people about anything cuz they’ll figure out I’m gay. Just like all the friends that I made growing up. The group of girls (outside church) who would be like “are you gay?” just because I liked to hang out with them (granted I was pretty effeminate). Like even to this day I am afraid to say certain things, have people judge me, based on who I am, what I like. I think the most potent feeling was frustration. I just was frustrated that I was suffering and no one could help and I didn’t know what to do. I was frustrated cuz it sucked and I wanted to just be normal.

I’m supposed to review stories from my high school years but to be honest I don’t remember a lot. I blocked most of it out (cuz I don’t wanna remember how shitty I felt during some of it.) I do remember I think my junior or senior year of high school we went on a church boys camp kinda thing to Galveston and I remember us stopping at a gas station, actually I remember suffering through like 30-an hour before hand where I would just focus on deep breathing exercises (before I even knew what they were) to help lower my anxiety which kinda helped my need to shit, but anyway we finally stop and I just go and EXPLODE in the toilet and I’m taking forever but like my stomach still hurts and I would always feel like theres more to come and like god I was so embarrassed when I got back in cuz like its obvious I was taking a giant shit. I had a similar experience on a different boys camp thing we were about to go rafting or something? and so we had one last stop before going out and like me and this other kid (who later came out as a trans woman, good for her) like took turns taking massive dumps in the stalls. And like I remember just Knowing what was going on with them and like I don’t think I was judgmental but just knowing and realizing that others would know too, and look at me differently too like just made it worse. 

To be honest the worst for me was probably just like living my day to day life being anxious/stressed about my crohn’s and which would cause me to shit more which caused more anxiety (vicious cycle I wrote a paper on) while I was going to college. Like BYU was just a really hard time for me emotionally which lead to my physical health getting fucked. I remember I would like be late to quizzes, miss attendance, have to walk in late in front of the class or even walk out in front of everyone DURING class to go to the bathroom. Like my whole issue about being gay is what I focus on more but god my shit issues were Terrible and my doctor was in fucking Texas... Then I get home for a year and that doesn’t help either. I’m anxious about school still and now I’m driving over 30 to get there so like of course I almost shit myself, have to stop on the way there, and even miss class some days because of it. Finally when I went to UT it got somewhat better just because I had gotten into a routine of like knowing how to arrange my schedule so that I would have time to shit between classes or while at work or whatever. But still I was so anxious about everything... I was a dumb scared gay and didn’t know how to be social without it being forced on me. I wanna say I felt anxious, scared, but also a little ashamed. Like I should be better than this. That it was just something to overcome. That I shouldn’t let it define me. But like... I can’t stop it from existing. I can only lessen its effect on me and I can be more honest with myself and other people and deal with any shit people throw at me, even though most don’t care they’re probs more interested than anything.

While thinking about stories from my Crohn’s I thought about my one time I actually shit myself. I was getting back from downtown with friends (which DT is always hit or miss with me I think like its the anxiety as well as alcohol just gives me the shits sometimes, also friday nights are when I inject so like the very end of the dose to the new dose in the same day (I just tried to google and see how fast injecting works but cant find anything)) But anyway I was getting back with my friend who I met in lab and was visiting from the UK and we had a fun time dt, but then before we started waiting for the bus I could feel it coming on. Anyways the bus ends up taking forever to come and by that point I’m doing my like awkward dance breathing exercises trying to sit just right to alleviate the pain and like I’m so close to just shitting on that bus. BUT we make the 20 mins (at least) bus ride to west campus and we get off right in front of Whataburger and god I speed walked inside with my cheeks CLENCHED and that wasn’t enough. I felt the shit slide through my cheeks as I was like a step away from the door and after that it just wouldn’t stop so I ended up taking off my pants/underwear, and washing my underwear in the sink (luckily they were kinda tight so everything just stayed in the underwear) and like i remember having to smush the shit to smaller pieces in the sink (which probably wasn’t safe for disposal there) and I ended up washing them and putting the underwear back on and being like “hey so I just shit my pants and washed my underwear in the sink, can we leave?” and they were like “oh shit yeah, you good?” and I ended up staying at her subleased apartment and like shitting some more and she was like... you sure you good?? and ugh it was like awkward but like she still loved hanging out with me?? like I make people out to be so scary, and some people are, but like most people are so nice and understanding you just gotta be honest with them about your problems.

Anyway.. Its been a bit of my ranting and ugh TLDR: Crohns just really sucks and honestly I wish I didn’t have to deal with it, but since my gayness was happening at the same time I tended to focus on that issue so my crohn’s was put on the back burner and just never got dealt with.

[lost-bitter-fly]

Answering random shit

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? I don’t have a great one w my mom but i do w my dad.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? A guy friend

03: Do you regret anything? Yup

04: Are you insecure? Hm kinda it depends on which aspect

05: What is your relationship status? single

06: How do you want to die? sleeping

07: What did you last eat? pizza

08: Played any sports? nah

09: Do you bite your nails? noo

10: When was your last physical fight? me and my cousins lmao

11: Do you like someone? i honestly dont know anymore im confused

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? yup

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? probably yeah

14: Do you miss someone? yeah

15: Have any pets? a turtle

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? numb, i have no feelings

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? yup

18: Are you scared of spiders? FUCK YES

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Sure

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? idk sndn

21: What are your plans for this weekend? going out w friends

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? is such a hard choice lol im not sure, but if i do it would be 2

23: Do you have piercings? How many? none :( sadly, i do want to get a belly button one and pierce my nose

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? Lenguaje and grammar

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? some people, theres other who im better without them

26: What are you craving right now? i fucking miss my best friend:( she is at a retirement

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Probably, i never want to hurt ppl intentionally so yeah :/

28: Have you ever been cheated on? lmao always.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yes

30: What’s irritating you right now? People and this fucking climate

31: Does somebody love you? yes❤️

32: What is your favourite color? red

33: Do you have trust issues? fuck now i do have worse trust issues😂😂😂

34: Who/what was your last dream about? i dont remember a lot i just remember it was about my class going to my ex school something like that

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? my friend

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? Unfortunately i am a very forgiven person, but that was before shit happened now ive changed a lot mentally so if someone who made me feel like shit came back to me to ask for a chance i wouldn’t do it, im just already done w ppl indecisive shit broo

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Hm maybe forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life? idk, maybe

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 14 ?¿

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? no tf😂

51: Favourite food? pizza 🍕

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? ABSOLUTELY, God knows what I need to learn and things i have to get rid of my life to grow as a person i trust him 💯 even if i don’t understand why he makes me go through certain stuff i know he has a purpose.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Talk w a guy friend

54: Is cheating ever okay? ITS NOT, nothing justifies that shit wtf

55: Are you mean? Kinda lmao

56: How many people have you fist fought? maybe 2

57: Do you believe in true love? I do.

58: Favourite weather? Rainy

59: Do you like the snow? sure

60: Do you wanna get married? yess is a big dream of mine

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? yupp

62: What makes you happy? My cousins, best friends, my turtle, youtube, shane dawson, paint/drawing, singing and myself

63: Would you change your name? No, i like it

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? idk

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? i mean rn i have this new guy friend who i consider a best friend but i don’t think i would go out w him i just look at him as a brother

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? Yesss

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my guy frienddd gaawd

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my guy friend AGAIN JJSJSHSJS

69: Do you believe in soulmates? i guess?¿ idk anymore

70: Is there anyone you would die for? My cousins absolutely they are my whole life.

[a425app]

Interview 05

How are you?

Good.

What is your name?

Sean Wyatt

What is your age?

53

What gender do you identify as?

Male

What are the things that have been on your mind today?

Watercolor and various art projects. Dinner / what about dinner?/ what I am going to prepare and what other people want.

What's been the most enjoyable part your day so far?

Being able to spend time with people I love

Is there something you’re looking forward too?

Yes. It’s a couple of things, seeing a friend I haven’t seen in 35 years and taking care of cleaning the garage so I have space to do creative projects.

What is the most important thing that matters to you at the moment?

Health and wellbeing of myself and my family

Do you work? If so how many hours a week and what sort of job is it? / do you work on site or at home (or alternate location)

Retired

What are some things you like to do on the weekends?

Cook, bake. Go on a photoshoot, processing pictures, spending time with family, playing games. Getting out to parks, nature.

Is there something you do on the weekend that you don't do during the week?

No

What is your living situation like?

I live in a 3 bedroom duplex with two and a half other adults and three cats

is your living space organized to help you accomplish your tasks or goals, whatever they may be?

Not at all

If so, what does that look like to you?

If not do you wish it was?

Oh yes. /Look like to you?/ everything would be categorized according to activity and purpose and a place for everything and everything in its place. Allow to remove clutter. / so having a pretty tidy place would be important to you?/ Extremely.

/and you think that would help you accoplism your goals?/ absolutely

What are some of your goals for your daily life?

I try to achieve organization and creativity and take care of responsibilities without too much of a battle.  

/any personal things?/ I wanna be the best artis and human being I can possibly be and I try to waork towards that.

/what about healthwise?/ I do try to eat healthy and try to take care of myself, no carbs little sugar.

What are some of your goals in general?

Would be to feel better and healthier and be able to experience more things like traveling and activities like building and creating.

What kinds of chores did you do during childhood/teenage years?

Everything pretty much. Self-sufficient from age 7 along with hold hold responsibilities, cleaning cooking, pets.

Would you say you actively seek out new things to try?

Everyday.

What are some things that make you feel proud of yourself?

When I am inspired by people or activities that I can share in. I can share in those experiences and I can add to those experiences

What activities give you the most satisfaction?

Experiencing nature, hiking, biking. Photography. Photographing experiences. I really love to play music. I really love music and being creative

What kinds of things do you to relieve stress?

Usually I work on project or activities. I keep busy. Or otherwise try to remove myaself from the stressful situation.

What is something you wish you had more time to do?

Being creative. Inventing paintintg, shooting, pet art projects. And of course spend time with others.

What kinds of things take up most of your time?

The usual daily activities. Cooking cleaning, shooping, helping others. Taking care of responsibilities.

How do you feel after you have completed a task.

Sometimes I feel realy really good then theres a certain reward if it’s a big taks but other tasks are more mundane and done come will any reward really beyaoind being able to say I completed them

How do you reward yourself?

I will indulge in activities I enjoy, I will try to give myself the time to spend in ways I really want to spend it for myself

How often do you successfully use these rewards to motivate yourself?

Dialy, when most activities are mundane you gotta have something to look forward too. I have too.

How much time do you take just for yourself?

I don’t take that much time that I would consider for myself. Hour-two

What are the most frustrating aspects of your daily activities/ day?

Trying to live a normal likfe but not be able too because of pain.

What time of day do you tend to do your work/chores?

Usually spread out. Usually earlier in the morning bewttwen 8-10am and in the afternoon between 3-6pm

Do you feel like you have a good balance between work and personal life?\

N/A

How consistent is your schedule?

Fairly so or moderately so. I would say I am on a schedule like 60% of the time.

Can you describe a typical day for you from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed?

Get upp

Make coffee

Take my medicine

See if there are any household needs

Take whatever time I can with family

Then usually household responsibilities

Prepping for dinner

Try to gersome creative or learning time in.

Watch some TV then bed

What time of day do you feel the most alert

Usually 2-3 hours after I wake up and how long it lasts varies

/happy?

Don’t have a perticulary time

What do you think having a routine means?

It means havind a consistant like list of things that you do on a regular basis.

Do you have a daily/weekly routine(s) If so, What are some of your daily/weekly routines?

Yeah, pretty much as outlined by my activities earlier

What tools do you use to plan or remind yourself of activities or a routine if any?

For daily ones usually notepad(comp.) or pad and paper. For more infrequent things I will use a calendar on my computer

Do you think having a daily routine would/does benefit you? Why or why not?

Absolutely.

Why?

Because then I could be sure what I was doing and when, it would help with my mental health

Have you done any research / read articles about having a routine?

Numerous.

How often would you say you search for things involving lifestyle: blogs, articles, magazines etc.

Daily

/how do you search for these things/ via google or social media

Would you be interesting in learning how to best establish and stick to a routine?

I believe everyone is different and that it’s a leanred process and everybody will be differet. I would like to know what would work best for me but I don’t know what that is. Which is why I research stuff all the time.

What would that look like to you?

I think the way I am doing it now is so far the best?

/how are you doing it right now?/ do to liststs, calendars and try to make sure that some routines that are shared routines are on the same page.

Do you use technology for planning and/or reminders?

Absolutely I use the calendar.  It is a PC only program that is almost journal in nature.

If so, what are your favorite tools/programs?

No.

Why are those your favorite?

What are some of your favorite apps to use?

I don’t think I use any apps exceot for simple notpad and simple calendar

Why those? How do you use them? How often do you use them?

Would you use and app for keeping track of a routine?

Yes.

If you could make an app for keeping track of a routine what would be some of the features you would want?

Easily accessible – could access it anywhere at any time with any device, would need to be secure, be able to set alarms, reminders and reminder destinations, or push notifications, need to have a calendar,

journaling function – comments that attached to takes or goal or plan, as well as possible way to journal how they are feeling, stuff that happens after the fact.

good intuitive way to enter information  - would remember past tasks and would automatically fill according to user

Have you ever failed to stick to a routine?

Yes

If so, why do you think that was?

Mostly because of mental and or physical limitations and consideratios for others

Do you have any medical conditions that you think might affect your ability to stick to a regular schedule or routine?

Yes

Do you think your profession has an impact on your routine?

The same

To what degree do you think other people impact your routine?

70%

Would you be more likely to do something if someone was holding you accountable?

No

If so what does that accountability look like?

If we came back in 5 years to have this conversation again, what would you like to be different?

Have more experiences had more time.

Would love to be 100% organized and have a less cluttered, simplified lifestyle

Is there anything I’ve missed that you would like to tell me?

no

Any questions?

What is this interview for?

[s3venpounds]

1-70

For real? I mean I don’t mind but I’m starting to feel like no one actually reads these lol

1. You just opened up a web browser. What is the first site you visit?

Tumblr usually

2. You just walked into a bookstore. What section do you go to first?

Teen section. Their books are short and sweet and the romance books i find in the general romance section are huge and just have huge bulging men. I just wanna read about dumb teenagers doing dumb things but also accidentally being poetic as all hell sometimes dumb jokes are a plus as well.( plus I don’t have enough patience for long books haha)

3. You are hanging with your closest friends. What are you most likely doing? On my phone. Still part of the conversation just replying out loud with no eye contact unless its a really funny story or topic

4. You just turned your car on. What station is the radio tuned to?Don’t got a car but I’d love to just go for the general top songs in my city. I usually listen to really old songs so listening to whats popular takes me by surprise nowadays

5. You have just woken up for the morning. What is the first things you do? Check my phone if someone messaged me during the night or my calendar app if theres anything I have planned today

6. Complete this phrase: You cannot buy happiness, but you can buy____. BBQ Pulled Pork or Adobong Lechon Kawali

7. What would you do if you woke up as the opposite gender? See if I’m attractive to my standards? Probably go hang out with friends BUT tell them all me and my cousin are coming to chill with BUT i cancel last minute so my cousin is still coming to meet them. Commence pranks

8. Are you more likely to cook for yourself or buy food from a restaurant? Buy food from a restaurant. Although I’d love to try a bunch of recipes from youtube vids

9. If you had to lose one of your senses, which one would you rather lose? I would say smell? although given how taste works I’d lose about 70% of taste if i lose smell right? but i still wanna taste food so yeah smell.

10. If you could relive any one year of your life, how old would you be? 17 that or 13 would be neato

11. Would you take a bullet for anyone you know? yes

12. Would you rather be rich and dumb or poor and extremely intelligent? rich and dumb. Ignorance is bliss I say. 

13. What TV character do you most relate to? I don’t know any TV characters that I can relate to but I do know some Disney movie characters I relate to? Jim from Treasure planet is the biggest one

14. You just walked into a supermarket. What section do you first go to? Frozen section or snack aisle ice cream and junk food mmmm

15. Is sex before marriage wrong? nope. I feel like marriage comes after you’ve accepted them for EVERY aspect. then again it depends on how you view sex. If its sacred to you more power to ya, if its just whatever it feels good hey i agree. its wrong if only 1 person agrees to have it. 

16. You just won the lottery. What is the first thing you do with your winnings?keep 25% in a secure place. a portion goes to a bunch of charities and streamers of my choice. a portion goes to whatever i wanna spend it on. a portion goes to pay off whatever friend’s college debts i can. a portion goes to a way i can keep a stable income i can live off of. and a portion goes to my family I guess.

17. If your best friend admitted that they have a crush on you, how would you react? I don’t feel the same.

18. Will the USA ever have a female president? I fuckin’ hope so. Maybe not hilary clinton. maybe. I don’t know enough about politics to make an informed opinion

19. You are carpooling with your friends. Are you more likely to be the driver or a passenger? Passenger, I space out too much

20. How short is too short for skirts and dresses? Nothing is too short i guess. let people wear what they want. its the people looking at fault for objectifying or whatever

21. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, without any consequences, what food would you choose? Potatoes sounds neato. that or sandwiches cuz i can customize it as much as i like. potatoes sounds like a def good idea tho

22. It’s Saturday night. What are you most likely doing? playing overwatch with friends

23. You go on a blind date. Your date is extremely beautiful and physically captivating, but you hate their personality. Would you want a second date? depends on what part of their personality I hate. Are they shallow ? Are they hate filled or closed minded? if they simply just disagree with things like pineapples vs no pineapples on pizza then thats fine, take the good with the bad. if its the closed minded stuff then no I wouldn’t want a second date. Be as pretty as you like, if I can’t stand you then theres no use.

24. How strict should gun laws be? Pretty fucking strict? what, we were in like not even a month of 2018 and we get another school shooting? are you fucking serious? like look at every other country out there, majority of them had 1 school shooting and said “ ok lets maybe be stricter on gun laws” boom. public shootings basically disappeared. WE NEED STRICTER GUN LAWS. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

25. Would you rather be the worst player on the best team or the best player on the worst team? Worst player on the best team. Because I’m bound to improve and I would never be playing alone. I AM on a team after all.

26. How well do you work with others? Dunno. I would say I’m ok but not a savant by any means. It’s been a while since I’ve had to work with someone back to back

27. You have the ability to cure only one fatal disease and eradicate it forever. What disease do you choose? Cancer most likely Whatever is most common, uncurable, and hardest to research

28. If you could go back to college and choose a different degree to study, would you? I mean maybe? I’ve seen so many of my friends look half dead and be a husk of their former selves just to graduate and thats not a hell i would willingly put myself through. But I suppose if I’m guaranteed a job right off the bat I would.

29. Where do you see yourself ten years from now? Dead? or homeless I guess.

30. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? Pro choice. If it aint yours you aint got no say over it. 

31. Would you attend a same sex wedding if invited?  Hell yeah, weddings a wedding. weddings mean new people and food. Especially food. oh and friends

32. So far, what has been the greatest day of your life? K Days with C and friends

33. Has anyone you know ever been arrested? Yes

34. If it could be one season year-round, what season do would you want it to be? Fall. Cold enough to use my other 60% of my wardrobe but still warm enough I can go out with shorts and a shirt and be fine

35. What is your biggest regret in life? thats a loaded question my dood. Letting my social life be such a huge focus at such a critical time

36. If you could bring one celebrity back from the dead, who would it be? Freddie Mercury? That or Elvis

37. What offends you the most? People that try to make my decisions for me thinking they have my best interests at heart.

38. Would you rather have an ugly hairstyle or be bald? ugly hairstyle eugh. I can’t do bald. I’d rather be ugly as fuck.

39. At what age did you have your first alcoholic beverage? 16 i think?

40. What do you think happens to us when we die? We’re trapped in our dead bodies until we fully rot then we wander the world as nothing but whispers and chills down people’s necks.

41. What do you think is the best way to quit smoking? I heard a hot sauna can help get rid of the tobacco in your system that makes you crave

42. If you could take home any one animal from the zoo, which animal would you choose? a Puma would be neat

43. We’re humans created or did we evolve from earlier species? I wanna say our biological predecessors were created with our evolution in mind but its not the end we may evolve further.

44. What scares you the most? Death or at least the thought of the aftermath

45. What personality trait turns you off the most? People who think theyre right and everyone else is wrong and refuse to consider new perspectives.

46. You got offered a job to do something you hate, but the pay will make you rich. Do you take it? I’d take it. maybe not for the rest of my life but at least for a while

47. If today you only had what you were thankful for yesterday, how much would you have? nothing to be honest.

48. How often do you get mad or upset at yourself? pretty often

49. If you could choose one celebrity to be your parent, who would you choose? Will Smith or Jackie Chan

50. If you could only listen to one musical artist for the rest of you life, who would you be listening to? Jon Bellion or Aj Rafael

51. Have you ever used you cell phone while driving? nope

52. Had anyone you were close to die way too young? Yup 11 KF SSAC

53. Is world peace possible? Yeah its just humanity isn’t ready for it.

54. You go on a blind date. You date is extremely ugly and physically appalling, but you are madly in love with their personality. Would you want a second date? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Most likely a second date but if youre saying this person is absolutely revolting to me then maybe not a date so much as just to hang out.

55. How did you discover that Santa Claus isn’t real? I didn’t I knew off the bat. Every time my parents would say “ its from santa” as I was with them as they bought my present. My parents don’t do subtle.

56. Do you believe in God, or some form of higher deity? I believe in some omnipotent figure HOWEVER I don’t let it dictate my life. I do believe there is something out there.I mean it can’t be coincidence that literally as soon as humanity could think they all believed in some form of god. Greek, Roman, Japanese, Korean, Indian, Native, Hawaiian etc.

57. If you could save someone you deeply cared about, but it meant breaking a law, would you do it? Hell yes. Jail time is temporary, A life is permanent.

58. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done for money? Yknow I never done something like this yet I always wanted to

59. If you were to make a YouTube video about what you know most about, what would the subject be? Injustices or poetry about rain

60. What do you think is your greatest personality flaw? Also a loaded question. Theres a lot haha. I would sayyyyyyyyy how hypocritical I am.

61. If your friends spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would you still want them as friend? nah

62. Have you ever “woke up like this”? Do you mean the song or something else. If its the song then no. 

63. You got offered a job to do something you love, but the pay is one of the worst out there. Do you take it? Hell yeah man, part time jobs exists, other ways to make money exist. If I love it then money is a small price to pay to be happy for the rest of my life.

64. What do you think is your best physical feature? I’ve been told my hair is nice and my eye brows?

65. What do you think is your worst physical feature. the way my face looks when i smile

66. Do you know anyone who has committed suicide? no.

67. What is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for someone you don’t know? I talked to a stranger who was new to the city about all the places to have fun. Malls, tourists sights, events, small cafes and restaurants and activites.

68. Have you ever had a night’s dream come true? Oh god no. My dreams are all crazy as fuck the MOST TAME one was where i was in a shopping bazaar in Philippines and i got shot 5 times in the bathroom  by someone who went on a rampage. and thats the most tame

69. How would you reject a date offer from someone you didn’t like? I’m gonna pass on that. - is what I would say.

70. Which do you think is worse: Failure, or never trying at all? Never trying at all.

[tepapaexp]

“TARGET AUDIENCE”

Interviews Marcus, 20

When was the last time you found out something really interesting? How did you find that out? Why that platform?

The clothing expo at westpac stadium, I was shared it on Facebook. A friend linked me the event on Facebook. Unsure how friend found out. Word of mouth. i use this to find out about events and vice verser i will share and link them things id find interesting eg events, its quick and easy to access everyone uses social media so its easy to share and receive quickly.

How do you like to learn about national knowledge? What do you like about? Identify the platform.

Probably just google things i’d like to know about in particular. Id probably watch youtube videos or documentaries because I'm not such a big reader id rather it be explained to me. Im not a great reader and sometimes things don't make sense to me when i read it to myself but when its explained to me it comes through more understandable to me i guess.

I’d probably like to learn about weapons and food because i like cooking myself and id like to see how they would've cooked food with bare minimum resources and what flavours they used and if they just thought about their food or just chucked stuff in a pot.

Weapons id just be interested in the combat, bc i reckon id like to see what weapons they used and the purposes they had. I've just always liked looking at collections of weapons and guns and stuff like that.

idk its just interesting the combat wait can you just get rid of the whole weapons thing and just use the food. fuck you no i didn't say that you're just making that up.

Platform i usually do a lot of learning watching the discovery channel and usually learn a lot of stuff about like hitler and that so that would be the best way.

How do you learn? By watching and doing rather than having lectures on things more someone that can kind of like haha i dunno how to say it is better doing trying things than um trying to be explained i feel like trying to doing it is better jumping in hands on thats the one. can you just stop this whole thing is just bad

What source of information do you find the most trustworthy? Why is that? How does interacting with this source make you feel? news, is that the right answer? from officials? friends have good credibility. maybe some reviews. because friends usually have the same sense of humour. obviously you have things in common with your friends so you'd trust your friends opinion over anything else, they could expose you to some good stuff bc you have things in common. idk fine.

Would you rather learn online? Or in a physical place? Depends on what it is, i think there should definitely be the option to do both with todays technological advances. I feel like going to a physical place to learn can be quite intimidating but once comfortable it could benefit you. working in groups could ease the intimidation. the benefits of a physical place are having someone you can just have a conversation with if you're unsure about something and maybe access to resources say if you’re learning how to draw Maori patterns you could use the traditional tools or whatever but online you're just like yeah nah.

How do you find the knowledge gained through a conversation helps you? its a bit more causal you don’t have to feel like you're being taught and you can learn idk you can ask questions but not feel like you're the dummy because your having a conversation not a lesson. theres just less pressure its not the usual learning environment like you have to learn something by the end of the class and you take in what you want from it because its a conversation not a lesson. I guess its more personalised to your interests and you and find out just what you are interested in.

When was the last time you had a really good conversation about something you had just learnt or wanted to learn about?

With your dad, we always talk about something new thats really interesting. Idk i learnt how much ti cost to take a car to nelsons on the ferry today through a convo with a mate. I guess i wanted to learn this and it was good not having to google it or anything and id trust my mate enough to believe thats how much it'd cost. i mean id probably google it to get the specifics closer to the time but for now he was credible enough.

Whats an ideal day in Wellington like for you?

Sunny, not too hot, no wind, shisha car meets, and burn outs! no don't say that, and a gym a big old gym chest session hahahaha. mega pump. drags. car meets are just fun, the adrenaline rush, lots of noise, very in your face, the craftsmanship people put into their cars, skills that are shown off how its like a risky show people play, lots of big crowds a lot of people quite dangerous things its just exciting to see the different levels of cars turning up that are all respected.

How do you know about upcoming exhibitions/events in Wellington?

when people share about it on Facebook and internet and word of mouth.

If everything entertainment wise in Wellington CBD was free, what would you do/where would you go? Probably the movies more, and concerts fun jumpers bounce town things they're fun id wanna go somewhere like there when i can go and just have a good time.

What incentivises you to visit a place more than once?

If it was a good experience there the first time and if i felt like i got my moneys worth. If there were new deals and there were new things and not the same boring things you went to see last time, always being updated.

Whats aspects of being apart of the creation of a project/exhibition/event would make it more appealing/interesting to you? id feel cool to see that id helped out and part of it was kinda because of me that this has happened.

What endorsements does an event need to have to create credibility in your mind/incentivise you to go/talk about it? if i get a little bit of a teaser and it feels interesting and it might be something i like if someone asked about it. eg. if someone was like have you seen this show like kea today when she said have you seen pablo and it just engaged me and i liked the sound of it, the credibility of someone else experiencing it and they say its good then yeah I'm more likely to attend or go to.

Have you been to Te Papa recently? Why did you go? How did you feel? No, last time i went was when we went to go somewhere before we went to dinner but we just went to go have a look and just walked around to see if there was anything new on but basically just to kill time.