#i don't necessarily think i'm an expert on this or on abuse so i guess i'm open to further discussion of this

[heartbeatbookclub]

There's a lot of ambiguity present in DDLC, and although + does elaborate on a lot of it, it presents some new ambiguity, too. I've already discussed the Protagonist and his entire existence, but I think something people don't even really think about is Natsuki's home life.

In case that doesn't make it obvious, CW: this mini-essay is going to talk a lot about abuse. Take care of yourselves.

Within the original Doki Doki Literature Club, there's an inherent uncertainty in the actual degree to which Monika is personally manipulating the other girls. It's somewhat unclear whether or not Monika is directly manufacturing unappealing traits to give to everyone else, or if she's just exaggerating problems that were already there to the point of catastrophe. In other words, it's unclear as to exactly how much of the game from its outset was something which would happen naturally, or an element of Monika's manipulation.

I think that Plus simultaneously plays into this ambiguity and clarifies a lot of it. There are definitely gray areas left, but the Side Stories in particular answer a lot of questions.

I think what the Side Stories are intent on doing is showcasing all of the girls as characters independent of any potential 4th wall/Monika meddling, and it answers a lot of questions regarding the true depth of each of the girls independent of that manipulation. This includes Monika, actually, and I think what it displays is that Monika's manipulation is far reaching, but she worked with material which was already there.

I've already discussed how the Protagonist is implied to exist within the Side Stories, but vitally, the Side Stories indicate the raw personality (and problems, motivations, etc) of every one of the girls. This includes Monika, and I think makes for a very interesting character study for how Monika became who she is in the main game. That's something I played with a good bit in Coil, if you haven't read it. Monika isn't aware she's being watched and in fact isn't aware of any of the nature of her reality, and thusly puts significantly more of who she actually is as a flawed person on display.

I'm digressing, but only a little bit. Something else this clarifies is the question I asked earlier regarding whether or not Monika was explicitly adding negative traits to the other girls, though it isn't an exact answer: Sayori does have a lot of the same mental health issues displayed in the main game, though clearly not to the same degree. Yuri clearly demonstrates a more obsessive personality, but it's in more of an autistic hyperfixation "I am incredibly passionate about my interests and will talk about them for hours if you don't shut me up" kind of way. I think there's definitely still some factors which are up in the air about Yuri (knives...that's all I'll say), but I think it's clear to see the basis of what was done to her here.

And Natsuki is, well...still pretty ambiguous.

I should be clear; Natsuki's raw personality is still very readily apparent here, and it does do a great deal of exploration of her character, showcasing the real depth of who she is and why she acts the way she does, but there is one critical question which isn't explicitly referred to.

The obvious thing you're thinking of, probably because I mentioned it at the start. Any reference to Natsuki's home life is absent, and it was all I could think about throughout the entirety of her story.

What it's instead "replaced" by in this instance is bullying from a toxic group of mean girls esque "friends". I put replaced in quotes because they are clearly what the emphasis is placed on in lieu of an explicitly bad home life, but I'm not sure I'd call them a one to one replacement. (I put friends in quotes, because...well.)

To be more specific, I'm not sure they're a replacement at all. I think what they are is more a suggestion of deeper issues Natsuki has.

I think Natsuki's behavior and overall attitude when talking about her other friends is very telling with regards to how she views relationships in general. Her immediate knee-jerk reaction whenever anyone says anything negative about them is to, in the first place, minimize anything they did or said as "just playing around", or "making fun of something stupid". Her next response is to immediately place the blame on herself for being so sensitive.

The way she immediately seeks to dismiss and push off any attempts to address any issues with how her friends treat her is heart-wrenching, and constantly blaming herself for responding poorly is doubly so. I think it's also behavior we'd commonly expect of people undergoing abuse, and I'll be frank in saying that I think that her relationship with these people isn't just toxic, it's outright emotionally abusive.

But being in one destructive relationship doesn't necessarily mean she's in another, does it? What is it about this entire situation in particular that leads me to believe there's something deeper here?

It's maybe a little bit of a stretch, but follow me here.

I think Natsuki demonstrates that she is attached to these people, despite their actions toward her. Her immediate defense of their actions, the particular way she chooses to defend them, and her intense fear to even the prospect of cutting them off tell me she doesn't want to let them go. Even further, I'd say her immediate response being to defend them when others attack them is multifaceted, and I think that one of those facets is that someone pointing out how her friends shouldn't treat her that way is probably giving voice to a feeling Natsuki herself has. I think one of the reasons she's so quick to defend them is in order to suppress her own urge to say something.

But why is she so hesitant to say something in the first place?

She doesn't want them to leave her.

This is something which, on the surface, might sound a little strange, but I think more than anything else, greater than any fear of the abuse she might endure at the hands of these heartless weirdos, is a crippling fear of being alone.

There are various things I think underline this trait, big and small (I mean, she outright brings it up when she talks about cutting them off), but I think her entire attitude regarding her friends is representative of someone who desperately wants attention from someone, anyone, whether positive or not. The reason she places all of the blame on herself and defends all of their actions is because she thinks if she brings it up at all, they won't want to hang out with her anymore. She's the problem, because she can't bring herself to put up with it, but she doesn't want them to leave her.

And I think that this, in conjunction with a lot of other elements to her personality, indicate that Natsuki likely doesn't have a very kind home life, either.

I think the biggest thing that illustrates this to me is her sheer willingness to treat the entire situation as normal. To everybody else looking at Natsuki's situation from the outside, particularly as she describes and defends a variety of their actions, it's blatantly obvious what's happening, and Natsuki finds herself confused not only over how other people respond, but how she herself feels.

The amount of time she spends excusing the emotional torment they put her through, and her constant insistence that this is normal, and that she's perfectly fine, she just needs to grow a thicker skin, demonstrate to me that Natsuki doesn't really have a good concept of what "normal" is. I don't think this is all just a conscious denial of reality; I think she genuinely has trouble understanding what's wrong with the situation, beyond that they're acting mean towards her.

"It's just the way things are!"

"I'm the only one who ever has a problem with it."

I think her ready ability to normalize this kind of abuse speaks volumes to how she views relationships in general. I think this is indicative that she doesn't have many good models for what a "normal", healthy relationship would be.

I think that a lot of Natsuki's broader personality, particularly in how she responds to the situation with her friends, and Monika and Sayori's attempts to connect with her, is a pretty fair indication that she doesn't really have a good space outside of her interactions with people at school.

I'm, rather ironically, finding it increasingly difficult to really express everything which showcases it to me in a way which all fits together nicely, but I think if nothing else, that's the point I really want to drive home. It really seems to me based on the way that Natsuki acts that at the very least, she doesn't have a good, safe space at home.

If she did, she would have a much better point of reference for all of this, and I don't think she would be so quick to trap herself in this situation. I think that a big reason she turns to the Literature Club and is so insistent on trying to be friends with everybody in it, despite herself, despite all of the problems and conflicts they have, is because she's desperately searching for a safe place where she can just be herself.

I think she constantly feels like she needs to be on the defensive--in my opinion, a big part of why she finds it so hard to just be nice, outside of something simple like baking for other people, is because her only experience is other people being mean to her, and needing to make a biting comment back. I think that's also why it's so difficult for her to accept others being kind to her: She is so used to just shutting out other people and ignoring them because they're mean to her, that when someone is nice to her, despite her desire to accept it and return it in kind, she instinctively snaps at it, because if she lets anyone in, if she shows any sign of vulnerability, someone will hurt her. Maybe she'll have to admit that the other things people said hurt her, too.

It's like a feral kitten instinctively clawing and biting at the hand of someone just trying to pet it. It's so unusual to them that someone could touch them for any reason other than to hurt them that they feel the need to strike first, until they eventually realize there's nothing to be afraid of.

I think that all of this, in conjunction with how everything else in the Side Stories is presented in reference to the original game, suggest that Natsuki likely doesn't have a very good situation at home.

I think it's vitally important to acknowledge that most people's perception of Natsuki's home life, if it's at all fleshed out, is based on fanon, not canon, similarly to how this whole analysis is really just fan theorizing, and not necessarily 100% accurate. While there are certainly some things explicitly said in the main game, we don't know all of the particulars which go into her home life, and I think this is another example of intentional gaps left by canon that I talked about in my blurb on the Protagonist.

In this case, from what we're able to glean about Natsuki's home, her father is the main parental figure in her life (At the very least, there is no mention of her mother {to my knowledge, it's been a while since I played it}), and from Act 1, he's implied to be extremely strict. Details here are actually one of the reasons I assume this to be correct, because explicitly, Natsuki keeps her manga collection in the clubroom because she doesn't want her dad to find it. In Act 2, this is pushed even further, which is where we get a certain famous line about him physically abusing her, but of course, it's more likely that this is Monika's doing.

I think it's virtually impossible to get an actual understanding of Natsuki's home situation in the Side Stories, because...well, they don't bring it up, but I think it's safe to say that there is reason to believe it's not good. I think it isn't as bad as it is in Act 2, but judging by how things play out in Natsuki's story across the Side Stories...well, let's just say I'm glad she has the Literature Club.

I think excluding any mention of this is probably intentional too, and not because it's an intentional gap being left. I think it would be incredibly out of character based on what we've seen of Natsuki here for her to bring it up at all, both because of her warped sense of normal, and because she wouldn't want everybody around her worrying about it.

This is a subject for fanfiction, I think. Is that foreshadowing? Who knows.

[juvederm]

chris lore i made up

i tried observing some behaviors in chris that i wanted to give a reason to. but i'm not really an expert on him, i don't think he's hard to understand, i guess i just wasn't ever invested in him the same way i am with josh so. here goes.

chris is methodical, which means he's orderly. he's organized. he knows how to reason, which makes me think his social skills are decent. he's like an anchor to someone like ashley, brings her back down to earth when she's panicking, hence why i think he's reasonable. and while i don't think his protective qualities showed up much during the game, it made me notice how frustrated he gets while trying to 'protect' ashley, or guide her. whenever she mentions the ghosts or whatever, chris reallyyy gets frustrated. he's the skeptic, but also knows that this Has to be a person messing with them. i don't think he ever believed in the ghost thing, but i think the moment he knew someone was messing with them, was when he found the note and saw the dollhouse.

ok. that aside, which was just a very condensed version of my analysis of him (i always say them aloud to myself in my autism tangents but never write it down loool), i made up a backstory for him that i use in all my stories pretty much. just for like. consistency ? idk

this will also tread into headcanon territory so i'll just list those now.

- i think chris is like kinda jacked, went to the gym

- he did sports against his will (i'll get to this)

- bisexual (i do think he's cisgender though, i'm not sorry)

- autistic

- has a softer, romantic side of him that's like the movies

ok. headcanon cinematic universe time.

i think chris had a hard ass for a dad, he was like a no-nonsense, strict guy who got these qualities from being in the military. he doesn't like softies, and didn't want his son to be one, god forbid. his dad is also bigoted, he sucks. he's emotionally abusive.

chris's mom on the other hand, is basically a hippie. she loves anything nature related, specifically owls, knows a ton about them and paints them all the time. she's the opposite of her husband (this did cause issues in the house), she encouraged chris to be soft, even when he'd be in the midst of doing something for his dad.

cuz like. in my mind, chris had this masculinity forced on him. this specific type at least. and he didn't like it, it didn't mesh well with him. his dad made him work out, made him do sports, had him do physically demanding things as if it were actually fkn boot camp.

so i think that's where his methodical nature stems from, chris always has shit organized like a schedule. he knows the next step usually. however that doesn't mean he was necessarily the best academically. i mean, ashley is like his tutor in a sense. and josh is just a guy who loves doing stupid shit like chris does, but does it out of boredom. chris seems like he likes the rush, the activity of it.

and speaking of josh, chris's dad despised him in this cinematic universe of mine. chris's dad thought josh was too scrawny, not strong and like thought he was gay. which chris dad no like. he wants chris to be with girls, always asks him about girls. and sure chris likes girls, but he also likes guys and he can't tell his dad that or the man will flip.

josh goes against the grain, he knows chris's dad will get mad and enjoys the rise he gets out of him. so he'll 'act gay', he'll hold chris's hand, he'll hug him tightly, squeeze his shoulder, little things like that that'll earn a glare from chris's dad if they're ever in the same room.

chris's mom is all for it, she was kinda convinced he and josh were something more.

so chris has this constant positive stream in his life from his mom, a supportive voice in all the chaos from his dad. but his mom is also sick, she's not gonna be around for long. so when she dies, and there's no talk about feelings at home, chris, in turn, doesn't know how to talk about feelings.

i noticed he and josh kinda suck at it, and chris can't really tell when somethings wrong, or is too nervous to ask. he doesn't know how to navigate it. so i gave that a reason: his home life sucks with dealing with it. and when it comes to his social life, chris also doesn't know how to deal with it. and despite josh being his match, he can't be there for josh like a friend would. a friend who would know how to navigate it.

and yeah i think chris has his own issues. i know josh is canonically the only mentally ill protagonist, but idk i think you could identify a lot of neurodivergency in chris's behavior. or assume he has his own problems and is more than just the 'comic relief' trope that he's written to be (which is purposeful i know)

the romantic streak i'm talking about is like. i think chris enjoys giving roses, dates, spaghetti on the same plate because with his horrible dad, he never really had a shot of something normal like this. and he kinda yearns for it. he's a softie at heart but his dad is like Um No. and it was scary to go against his dad.

chris = daddy issues (josh also has daddy issues this is why they're perfect for each other)

anyway. it's 50 degrees and my hands are extremely cold

[saezurufeels]

Handling the cards we are dealt

Since I can't get enough of Yashiro, last night I started thinking about possible explanations of what might be going on in his mind, post-timeskip. Obviously, my ideas here are completely hypothetical, because there is not much information about Y's internal state/thoughts since the timeskip. I'll be using a lot of my imagination, and less actual "primary evidence." So, I don't expect any of this to necessarily be true; I'm moreso looking into possible explanations of character-change, because it's fun to theorize :-) So, if you're interested keep reading.

First thing I want to mention is, plot wise, using a timeskip gives the author a lot of room to surprise us (just look at AoT); so as an audience we won't know anything at all, until it's completely over. Super fun, right?! So, that's why I think it's important to look at Saezuru chapter by chapter, and change any ideas or expectations we had from before. At least, I find that I'm constantly questioning my previous convictions when I see a blurry, out-of-context, cropped-out panel from a 40-page chapter that hasn't even been translated yet. Life is so fun.

That being said, let me begin by saying that since the timeskip, it occurred to me that we, the audience, have not seen Yashiro have sex at all. Remember in the first three or four chapters of the manga, Yashiro's sexual endeavours were the focal point of his character? Yoneda Kou made sure to add it everywhere, including other characters' descriptions of Y, Yashiro's own admissions and thoughts, but most importantly, in actual sex scenes. It was to reinforce this idea that Yashiro is reliant on sex; he couldn't remove it from his daily life, because it was a dependence.

In my first post on this blog, I talked about this phenomenon as Yashiro having sex addiction. In that post I said that many experts believe that sex addiction is an obsessive-compulsive disorder. To give you a quick run-down of how that works in relation to Yashiro, I'll quote myself:

"When individuals with SA begin to feel anxiety, they engage in sexual behaviour (the compulsion) to get rid of the cause of their anxiety (their obsession). For Yashiro, feelings of worthlessness (due to being unloved, alone and abused) cause him anxiety, which compel him to be on the receiving end of sadistic sex so that he can convince himself that he is a masochist and likes to suffer, thereby relieving his feelings of worthlessness."

So, in line with this definition, Yashiro was having rough sex constantly because he was constantly feeling unloved (or in the way I described above, worthless). Keeping up with this logic, then, what has changed? Why aren't we seeing Yashiro have sex all the time? Keeping something visually hidden keeps it ambiguous. Let's discuss.

Remember, seeing an action play out in fiction is different from hearing it about it from other characters, because those characters can be unreliable narrators, or simply unknowledgeable. So, although Nanahara tells Yashiro not to pick up random strangers for sex, it doesn't mean that he understood what actually happened when Yashiro "almost got kidnapped." Yashiro even said, "what does that have to do with my sexual tendencies?" The scene is ambiguous because we didn't see Yashiro have sex and because we know that Y isn't always forthcoming about his private life, even with Nanahara.

More evidence to suggest that Yashiro isn't the same as before is evident in his reaction to Misumi's aggressive attempt to get him naked and riled up. Yashiro claimed that Misumi was "so sexy," but based on his attempt to stop him during the act, we can just as well guess that Y wasn't being truthful.

Before I move on, I'll mention that I do believe Inami and Yashiro have a sexual relationship, but I think it's out of necessity, rather than lust. Yashiro needs a guy in law enforcement to know when to switch casino locations and to keep up with other yakuza dealings. I've talked about this lots before, so I won't bore ya'll with it again. Okay, moving on.

If we assume that Yashiro isn't having sex anymore (other than with Inami), then we can assume that he isn't dependent on rough sex anymore. So, if he's not dependent on rough sex to relieve his feelings of worthlessness, does that mean he doesn't feel unloved anymore? Yes, that's exactly what I'm arguing. I believe Yashiro feels very much loved by Doumeki; it's what helped him overcome his OCD (I'm not a mental health expert, so please don't take this as actual advice in your real life; this is just for the purpose of fictional character analysis). But the more important aspect I want to talk about is: if Yashiro wants to be loved and treated gently deep down, what is keeping him away from Doumeki now? I think the answer to that lies in what he experiences when Doumeki treats him gently.

This is where I get more hypothetical, because I really don't know why Yashiro doesn't like being treated gently in bed. I've tried figuring it out for a long time, but it's beyond my understanding. Maybe it's because I don't have the same experiences, maybe it's not meant to be understood, or maybe it wasn't fleshed out properly (I'm not suggesting that's the case here, but it's a possibility that's worth mentioning). It could be because it reminds Yashiro that he's a victim of abuse, or because of the scene where his step-father equates him to a girl during an assault; maybe it's something that was never brought up explicitly in a flashback. Either way, because I can't find a reason that I can stand behind confidently, I'm not going to focus on the question of why. Instead, I'll focus on the question of what Yashiro is feeling while he's intimate with a gentle Doumeki.

So, what is Yashiro experiencing when he's intimate with Doumeki? Well, the first time, Yashiro was refusing lots; they did it anyway, and afterwards we see Yashiro cry for the first time as an adult, while remembering an abuse incident as a child. This is post-traumatic stress disorder and it happens when a stimulus in our environment (something we see, hear, smell, taste, feel) triggers a memory so profound that it feels like we are re-living a traumatic incident again. It's more intense than "normal" memory and is very difficult to go through. Shortly after sleeping with Doumeki, Yashiro let Hirata attempt to kill him. I'm not saying one caused the other, but I think they are strongly linked to each other. Chapter 46: Doumeki takes his glove off and touches Yashiro tenderly; Yashiro gets a vision of Doumeki touching a naked woman, one thing leads to another, and suddenly Yashiro is reminded that Doumeki is being too gentle. He pulls Doumeki off of him and lands sweating, ungracefully on his stomach. This is just my take, but it seems like that was a scary moment for Yashiro. He wasn't there in the moment with Doumeki; he was in his head, reframing the situation. While Doumeki was trying to be sexy and alluring by taking his glove off with his teeth, wearing this sultry expression, Yashiro's face was literally like: 🤨. The point I'm trying to get at, if I ever get there (jfc), is that Yashiro becomes triggered when he's having sex with Doumeki. He's not having a good time at all. It doesn't mean that he can't be close to Doumeki, because we all know he was imagining that Doumeki would passionately kiss him in the elevator and in Tsunakawa's guest bathroom. But sex is a different story.

Gentleness versus roughness is like a double-edged sword for Yashiro (idk if that's the right expression lol), on the one hand, Yashiro doesn't like being treated rough, because it's not loving, and on the other hand he doesn't like being treated gentle, because it's not rough. Whichever way Yashiro goes, he's up against a wall. There is no path for him to turn, because either one will lead him to his trauma.

And that's the point. I think Saezuru is trying to suggest that some things can't be so easily changed, or at all. It makes the argument that we must to come to terms with the cards we are dealt, and that the healthiest way to deal with unfavourable circumstances is to adjust to them, instead of forcing our conditions to change. Forcing change onto someone, when it simply isn't possible can do more harm than good, as we saw with Yashiro's suicide attempt, following Doumeki's insistence on showing Y that he's "beautiful, inside and out." Post timeskip, Doumeki is trying a different approach to "change conditions": now he seems to be a little more cold, rough, BLUNT (smh), and seductive; is it working on Yashiro? Based on what seems to be a whole-body jerk to get Doumeki off of him, I'd say no.

What would it look like, then, if Yashiro and Doumeki adjusted to the circumstance, instead of forcing change? Again, this is hypothetical, but it could mean that they have to accept that Y can't have sex. He can kiss, hug and touch, non-sexually, because it is not triggering. If anything, tenderness is a comfort for Yashiro. Whereas sex for him has always either been a trauma response or a trauma trigger. I'd like to be proven wrong though :) And again, this is all just hypothetical. There still is not enough evidence, and as I said above, about 50 pages ago (sorry), things are always changing and evolving with every chapter.

[prettylittleliarsxxxx]

honestly I have huge jealousy issues and i don't know what to do about it, it's hurting me and i don't want to tell my partner because i feel like he will think i'm horrible, and reading about how it's a "red flag" pains me even more. i feel like an awful person.

Well, one thing to consider is that jealousy can stem from traumatic events. For example, if you’ve been cheated on, you probably have issues with trust, which makes you jealous. It’s really either A) lack of trust or B) a control issue. In my experience, it’s normally lack of trust, and sometimes that lack of trust isn’t necessarily your fault if you’ve gone through some kind of event in your life that makes you untrusting of trust. I guess another option is C) insecurity/low self esteem, which is also a fairly common factor in jealousy, I think.

That said, I’m sorry you feel that way. The fact that you know you have jealousy issues, in my opinion, means you’re not an awful person. You want to do something about it, even if you don’t know what. When I talk about jealousy being a red flag, I often mean it in an abusive sense -- it is generally an abusive behaviour whether intentional or not. But you recognize it’s hurting you, and your partner, so that tells me what I need to know about who you are as a person. 

Have you considered therapy? I know not everybody has the means to go to therapy, but if it’s an option for you, it might be worth looking into. 

I’m not an expert so I can’t advise you what to do or how to deal with jealousy. Personally, I would try to broach the subject with your partner. Hiding it and continuing to stew about it can often be more harmful than talking about it, you know? And then I think you have to have some really hard conversations with yourself. Has your partner ever caused you to distrust him (ie- cheating, lying, stealing, etc) and if so, is that when the jealousy started? And do you think you can get back to a place of trust with him? And if not, then you have to go deeper and see why that jealousy exists within you and your relationship. 

If I’ve learned anything in therapy myself, it’s that a lot of our behaviours have deep causes, and we really have to look inside ourselves to find out the root cause of it, and then to process it like we should have when it happened. I think it could also be really worthwhile to google it, see what other articles say. This looks like a good starting place!

Now, listen closely