#i don't think you do love catholics on the internet if you haven't talked enough with one of them to hear them be a freak about a saint

[vulpinesaint]

staring dumbstruck at these tags on one of my little saint sebastian posts. what kind of life are other people living

[lastheavens]

Letters to your past self

I find it quite common to write letters to your future self, but never to your past self. I wrote myself a letter in 6th grade that was supposed to be received upon graduating high school, but I don't think I ever got it. I wrote a letter to myself freshman year during confirmation class that I did receive after graduation. I've written a couple birthday emails to myself. However, I don't think I have ever taken the time to respond. I know that my younger self will never be able to read it but I feel like they deserve to know how life is going for me. I'm not in the same place I was then and my life has turned out so different than what I imagined for myself. So here we go.

Dear 6th grade me,

While I don't remember the contents of your letter very well I would like to let you know that you did get into a very good college. It's better than you could've imagined and you love it even though you're struggling a bit. No you didn't go through with becoming a zoologist and getting to meet giraffes. Nor did you ever pursue anything with art. You will learn in middle school that your little robotics interest is way bigger than you think. You're pursuing aerospace engineering now and you absolutely love it. You're so much happier now. You moved on from the bullying for the most part and you don't have many friends but you are doing so much better now. And no. You didn't get to eat a sandwich on the Sandwich Islands or in Sandwich, Massachusetts. Maybe one day kiddo. Make the most of that summer you'll never see her again. I love you.

Dear me from Oct 17th, 2018,

You wrote this letter to be delivered on my 14th birthday. It was only a few months later so not much changed in that time and I never felt the need to respond. Now though, I have so much more to say to you. You decided to go to that all girls school. You made some amazing friendships and become a lot more social. You were in fact not super lonely at your new school. You still keep in touch with the girl you befriended your first week of school. She went back to public school but was still your best friend. You stopped talking to everyone you knew in middle school. Not because you necessarily wanted to, but because they just weren't the people you needed in your life anymore. Some were life long friendships but they clearly weren't strong enough to last since none of them even really reached out to you. You do not make memes anymore. Also you are trans.

Dear me from Jun 27, 2020,

Hi love. Thank you for the birthday message. High school was typical high school. It had it's ups and downs but overall you got a lot out of it. You did run for robotics captain! And electrical lead your junior year! And you started a coding club. You were even Italian Honor Society Secretary! You didn't chicken out on anything and took so many opportunities. You even have club leadership your freshmen year of college. You still haven't come out to your parents and you probably never will, but you're very open on the internet and in public. You have also come to a pretty concrete conclusion on your gender identity. I know it was hard figuring that out going to a catholic school and with your parents, but you did it. You haven't transitioned yet and probably won't for a long time, but you're happy. You use he/they pronouns now. A bit of a big switch from then. As for that next question, I'm so sorry sweetheart. You are months away from the worst thing that will happen to you in your high school years. You were so wrong about that heart of gold. You're healing well now though and you're very happy in your current relationship. You are still doing art and you have figured out what you want to do! You did decided aerospace was what your heart was set on and got into one of the best schools for it. Robotics engineering isn't quite what you thought it was lol. You still try to talk to your friends but you're very busy and you don't keep in touch with many people, not even your parents. I didn't glow up quite yet but I am much happier with myself now. You were right, I do love myself, and I wish you did too. I am still working through a lot but I'm so much better than I was then. For your final question, am I happy? I think so. At least for the most part. Things are going well for me, or at least as well as they can be. I love you too past me <3. Buckle up for the next few years, they're gonna be hard but you're gonna make it through like an absolute champ. You did pretty well on the just keep going part but remember there is so much life left to live. There is so much you will get to experience.