#i don't want to make an account that's like "only my BESTIES have the privilege of witnessing my breakdown

[neverinadream]

W E ' V E B E E N K E E P I N G A S E C R E T

Summary: Your first anniversary as a married couple isn't the only thing you'll be celebrating this year.

Pairing: Rúben Dias x Fem!Reader

Requested: Yes

Warnings: fluff, bestie!kyle, talks of pregnancy, not proofread

Notes: i feel like it has been so long since i posted something for this man!! did you like it? feedback is greatly appreciated!

youraccount

liked by rubendias, sasha__rebecca and others

youraccount: my grandma once told me to fall in love with the boy who holds your hand when you're nervous, who walks you to your door at the end of the night, but, more importantly, fall in love with the boy who pictures a future with you in it. so that's what i did. and one year ago today, i married him. i'll never get tired of telling you how much i love you because i'm one hundred per cent sure that my love for you will never run out.

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📍youraccount: 📸: @/sasha__rebecca

rubendias: i love you so much ❤

youraccount: not as much as i love you ❤️

sasha__rebecca: have i ever told you that you're my favourite couple?

youraccount: maybe...but you can say it again if you like

sasha__rebecca: 📣 you're my favourite couple!!

youraccount: 🤍

kylewalker2: oooh i love you so much rúben 🤮

youraccount: i see we're still upset 🤭

kylewalker2: me? upset? never!

youraccount: okay pinocchio 🤥

rubendias

liked by johnstonesofficial, youraccount and others

rubendias: why do i love you? i love you because you can bring me out of my sadness and make me the happiest man alive with only just a smile. i love you because you make me want to be a better man. i love you because of how you make me feel even when you're not around.

and i love the little things, too, like how your hand fits perfectly in mine, how nice and sweet your voice sounds, even when you're butchering the portugese language, how soft your lips are... when i'm able to make you laugh, i feel accomplished because i know that i am the reason you smiled.

you are my best friend, you are my partner in crime, but, more importantly, you are my soul mate. here's to celebrating more anniversaries with the one i love ❤️

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youraccount: great, now i'm crying again

rubendias: and i'll be there to dry every tear, meu amor

kevindebruyne: happy anniversary! 😊

jackgrealish: who knew rúben was such a sappy fucker

sasha__rebecca: it's not sappy, it's romantic

rubendias: you should try it sometime jack 🤭

jackgrealish: i can be romantic!

kylewalker2: OBJECTION!

johnstonesofficial: mate you're a year too late

kylewalker2: i will get my best friend back

youraccount: i literally saw you yesterday 🙄

youraccount

liked by yourclientsaccount, yourmumsaccount and others

youraccount: today i was privileged enough to be involved in one of the coolest maternity shoots to date!!

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📍youraccount: the rest of the shoot can be found on my professional account @/yourphotographyaccount

yourmumsaccount: when are you going to be in a maternity shoot?

youraccount: mum...

yourmumsaccount: i want grandkids

youraccount: you've got grandkids

yourmumsaccount: and with all the sex you and @/rubendias had over the summer, i'm surprised i don't have any off you two

youraccount: MUM!

yourmumsaccount: what? you know the walls are very thin

rubendias: good afternoon mrs y/l/n

yourmumsaccount: are you firing blanks?

rubendias: blanks?

youraccount: mum get out of here before i block you

yourmumsaccount: you would block your own mother? hmm. how nice

rubendias

liked by mancity, youraccount and others

rubendias: exciting times are coming

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mancity: 👀👀👀

youraccount: 🫣🤭

kylewalker2: got something to tell your best friend?

sasha__rebecca: yes do you have something to tell me?

kylewalker2: i think you'll find i'm her best friend

sasha__rebecca: sure kyle

johnstonesofficial: what's this about then?

rubendias: 🤐

kevindebruyne: it's rude to keep secrets

jackgrealish: come on spill the beans

youraccount added to their story

seen by kylewalker2, kevindebruyne and others

rubendias

liked by yourbrothersaccount, jackgrealish and others

rubendias: this one has been keeping us thoroughly entertained all weekend

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youraccount: babies are hard work 😴

rubendias: you were a natural with her

youraccount: yeah...when she would actually pay attention to me

rubendias: i can't help it if everyone loves me 😅

yourbrothersaccount: just think about how tired you'll be juggling two

rubendias: please reread that comment before your sister has your head off 😅

yourbrothersaccount: oh shit 😳

jackgrealish: and you thought i'd be the one to spill your secret

youraccount: ⭐️

jackgrealish: what's that for?

rubendias: it's a gold star for doing so well

youraccount

liked by rubendias, kylewalker2 and others

youraccount: since the cat's now out of the bag.....can't wait to meet my little boys 👶🏻👶🏻

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rubendias: my gorgeous mamma 😍

youraccount: i'll finally get to sleep with a dilf 🥵

sasha__rebecca: so happy i could scream 😁

yourinstagram: wanna plan the baby shower?

kylewalker2: uh i think the fuck not! that's my job!

sasha__rebecca: i think you'll find out as her best friend that's my job

youraccount: you can both plan it together

kylewalker2: also...this is how i find out?

yourinstagram: oh, right, it's not like i didn't tell you first 🙄

kylewalker2: i know 🤭 i just wanted everyone to know that i knew first

erling.haaland: 👶🏻

rubendias: more like 👶🏻👶🏻

...

F O O T B A L L E R T A G L I S T

@shanoontje @maseandkepa @theblxefox @blueathens  @ofxinnocence @1-800-benji-chilwell @mrschilly @geek-and-proud @in-my-body-bag @laurasstufff1 @mountchilly @spicysainz @greykitkepa @thoseboysinblue @breakablehcaven

[rachelspriv]

denormalise liveblogging your breakdown. in case you go “isn’t that what this blog is for?” let me explain. don’t liveblog on a blog where people actually KNOW you. this blog, no one knows me. no one even follows me. if i do get a following of people who actually consistently interact with my posts, and i can identify who are those followers who are consistently interacting with me, and it begins to feel like there’s some sort of connection, i’m deleting. it’s unhealthy to liveblog your breakdown to people who’ll actually see it. it’s unhealthy for you because you don’t get to deal with this in private, and it’s unfair to other people if they feel like they have to help you so you don’t think nobody cares about you. it’s unfair to other people to force your followers to witness your breakdown. if you’re having a breakdown, do not liveblog it to your followers. if you need to talk about it, keep a diary (what this blog essentially is). ask a friend if they are willing to listen to it, and make it clear that they’re allowed to say no (going “hey can i vent” and waiting for a response is a good way to do this). and if they do give you advice, consider it! even if you don’t like it! sometimes you need to do things you don’t like! and if they go “i can’t help you out any further”, let them stop! your mental health is your responsibility, not theirs.

[damixnpriest]

Hey Jay, I hope you don't mind this and please feel free to ignore, you just speak your truth always so well and I might be overthinking this.

Do you maybe have any tips on dealing with shame about pronouns? I struggle a lot, because for reasons I cannot be out irl atm, but I finally figured out which pronouns I'm comfortable with, he/him. But I feel extremely ashamed about calling myself that online or with strangers irl, it makes me feel like a fraud and undeserving cause I'm not out in most parts of my life and if I'll come out in the next year it will probably be with they/them first (because I'm a coward and last time I tried hinting at he/him didn't end well). Like I know who I am now, but I am not brave enough to live it.

Okay well first of all, thank you for trusting me with this, that means so much to me.

I think the best thing I can do is tell you that I am not out in a lot of irl situations either, and I go by she/her pronouns very often. I also go by they/them with some people at uni because explaining te complex details of my trans masculinity is a fucking chore and I cba doing it. Do you think I should be ashamed that I don't instantly correct every person I know on my pronouns? I'm guessing you don't. Offer yourself the same kindness.

Try shifting your perception of this a little - really, it's all just boundaries. You have different boundaries with different people, we all do. And we let different people see different parts of ourselves, whether that is because it's practical, or safer, or simply none of their fucking business! I'm sure you practice this to some degree already. So, stop thinking of it as you lying or hiding this part of yourself, and think of it instead as only allowing certain people the priviledge to know that part of you. Honestly, they should be so lucky for you to trust them with that.

Also - you do not have to earn your pronouns. I am sat on my sofa with my whole ass titties out right now, having come back from a shift with my literal gay workmate where I just... went by she/her. If you have to earn the right to use your pronouns by telling everyone or doing a certain thing or looking a certain way then slap my ass and call me [deadname] because I did not earn shit today, I didn't do the bare minimum. I'm still a gorgeous, PROUD trans masc nonbinary person and I don't have to do shit to earn that!

As for doing it online - start small. Faceless tumblr accounts are a good thing here because a) no one is tracing it back to you and b) no one really questions it? And if anyone does give you grief, just get nice and intimate with the block and report buttons. You literally do not have to interact with dickheads on this site unless you want to. You can always change your pronouns back if you want to!

Lastly, and most importantly, I would rather you were awkward and uncomfortable and even dysphoric than in real genuine danger. Being "out" - which is a very flawed binary perpetuated by cishet people who think they are entitled to every aspect of someone's identity - is a privilege that less trans people than you might think from looking at them online can afford. Bravery has nothing to do with it. You are not a coward for protecting yourself, whether that be physically or even just from the mental strain of having to reassert and explain your identity to a bunch of strangers!! Strangers!! Bestie!! They literally don't know you!! Do not let their opinions fuck with you like this!!

If you want to go by he/him, you go by he/him by whoever you trust to respect that and keep you safe. As far as I am concerned, the rest haven't earned the right to call you he/him, not the other way around.

This is so long but I hope you can get something helpful from it.

Love u x

[luthienne]

Truly feel like I don't even have the strenght in me to keep trying to help or make the world 'better.' It will never happen. I say this as an indigenous latina, so it isn't like I'm a white 'ally' with 'burn out.' I've literally been fighting my whole life. Don't feel like I can keep fighting. Everything is a lost cause. I lose heart I didn't know I have with every piece of news or post I see on Twitter or anywhere else. So much pain.

ay, mi amor, i’m so sorry. please know that as much as you witness cruelty and injustice, as overwhelming as it feels, as pointless as it feels to keep fighting (not just against injustices but for your own right to feel safe, to feel hopeful, to feel valued), you are not alone, you are not fighting alone, and it is not your fight alone. the joy harjo quote from her poem “the naming” comes to my mind: “truth can appear as disaster in a land of things unspoken.”

sometimes it feels like a lost cause. we are constantly assaulted w news about more injustices, more harmful actions. utter lack of accountability. and we wonder how the world can be such a violent place, after everything, after everything. but the truth is, despite everything, the world is full of tenderness and love and humans wanting to fight for what’s right and do better than they’ve done before, to do whatever they can to help even at the risk of getting hurt, of getting caught in the crossfire bc they care so much, bc they’re not willing to let these injustices happen silently.

words feel so powerless sometimes. language feels so insufficient. nothing feels enough. mary oliver can express what i’m trying to say better than i can: 

“meanwhile i know this: evil is one part of our beautiful world. and though my writing pays it small attention, i am not blinkered; i, too, have been forced to stand close to it, and have felt the almost muscular agony of impotence before it, unable to interfere or assuage or do anything effective. though i do—oh yes i do—believe the soul is improvable. oh sweet and defiant hope!”

some days, we just have to say: “i don’t have faith today. i don’t have hope today. i don’t have the strength to fight today. i can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, i can’t understand how things will ever change. maybe i’ll have faith again tomorrow. maybe i’ll have hope again tomorrow. maybe i’ll have the strength to fight again tomorrow.” and know that it’s ok. you are a human being and we are not made to endure constant horrors, what feel like never-ending battles on every front. sometimes fighting (especially things like systemic oppression) means taking a step back to take care of yourself.

i am loathe to use a choir metaphor but there’s this thing that we do when there are long lines of music: each singer drops out at different times to take a breath before coming back in, and it’s unnoticeable bc the rest of the choir is still sustaining the music. social justice in communities should be like this. you need to take a breath. we’ll still be here fighting, your community will be here to uplift you and support you and love you. you cannot continue pouring from an empty cup. you have to take care of yourself (if possible, in any way). this fight belongs to everyone. i’m so sorry that it doesn’t always feel like that’s the reality of it.

as a non-indigenous latina who grew up in new mexico alongside my indigenous latinx sisters, i recognize the harm that can come from within even the latinx community. the internalized normalization of systemic oppression, our complicity if we are not actively speaking out and working against it. it is our responsibility to step up and take on the fight in the ways that our privilege allows us. it is our job to confront racism and injustices in our communities, to not be silent, to shoulder the weight. i am here for you and w you in this fight. ♡ 

i have to believe that someday, big change will happen, that every day people are doing things that make the world a little better—and big change begins with the little changes that each of us take on every single day. it begins with people making the choice to become active in their communities, engaging w their communities about issues, looking for the places where they can donate a little bit of money even when they’re out of work, showing up to protests and vigils even in the middle of a pandemic, doing what they can to unlearn and learn and do better, voting for change, holding our elected leaders accountable. understanding that we will fuck up and that accountability is necessary (and that it is our job to hold ourselves accountable, not to expect others to do it for us). hopefully the smaller actions lead to bigger actions, hopefully this accountability carries us further in the fight than we’ve been able to go before. 

i attended a masterclass on stamina the other day--i thought it was going to be about vocal stamina (we were all opera singers), but she chose to also speak about emotional stamina, about resilience. she mentioned a ted talk she had listened to where the speaker talked about how resilient people choose where they focus their attention--is this serving me, or not? what can i change and what can’t i change? am i directing my energy toward a “positive” goal? bc we are wired to direct our attention to negativity, to danger, to threats. it is a survival instinct we all have. (i won’t get started on when we throw trauma into that mix.) she told us that our practice, not our results, is what needs to be consistent.

i personally needed that reminder: to direct my energy toward the act of simply achieving a consistent practice. all too often, my energy goes instead into the (paralyzing) fear that nothing i can do will ever be enough. the pointlessness of my efforts. the self-admonishment that my practice didn’t achieve the results that i wanted. it’s incredibly self-defeating. i don’t know if this is at all helpful for you. it is, of course, a false equivalence to say that trying to get better at singing is the same thing as trying to dismantle systemic oppression. but the reminder hit me on many levels--that everything i do isn’t necessarily going to achieve the results that i want. it’s just important that i show up to do the work.

i was chatting w my bestie @bronzeaxeli, who is an indigenous latina (and all-around amazing human being), when i received your ask. she passed along, “on the futility of fighting against an seemingly insurmountable social construct, i think my best advice is to consider how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time. it is going to take the entire ant hill to digest this beast. but all of us together working to make the small changes incrementally will there be change. it will take a long time, but these systems weren’t built in a day. and if hope isn’t enough, then do it for the spite. living well is the best revenge. make those who look down on us paranoid, and while they are continually looking over their shoulder, they miss all of us moving forward toward our own goals.”

“You cannot destroy a soul though you may destroy a planet. You cannot destroy a song though you can make people forgetful. A soul can appear to be destroyed, and a song can disappear for a few generations only to reemerge from the heart of a child who turns and becomes a woman.”

Joy Harjo, A Map to the Next World

“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.” 

Howard Zinn, A Power Governments Cannot Suppress

“No matter, I said lightly, more to myself than anyone. We will make it through this, past the edge of the wound.”

Joy Harjo, A Map to the Next World

[honeyymistt]

[1/2] hey, okay, it's me again. i feel like i'm treating you like an unpaid therapist but idk where to share this and how to get help (this is kinda lengthy, and i do apologise for that)

i think i'm running out of patience for myself on how to live with myself; all my favourite artists and fictional characters experience this same hollow loneliness but they just— keep going..... despite it all. i'm trying to keep busy with studying but that quickly led to an all-nighter and now i can't fall asleep despite my exhaustion. i think the goals i've had in mind for myself are too high, so i'm just going to spend the next week reading without shame or guilt and try to finally start learning russian. i don't really take care of my physical fitness bc i'm always tired and i feel like all my energy is spent on keeping in check with eating and taking care of my physical hygiene. i have so much time each day and yet at the end of the day i still feel like i did nothing even though i read and studied a lot. i just feel like i'm stagnated, still in my 16-year-old teenage mind bc i spent my youth numbing myself bc i couldn't stand my own thoughts. i havent talked to anyone really, besides my famil, in weeks, and i know loneliness is a common feeling most of us carry with us, but since i'm not very smart and don't know about a lot of things that matter, like history and art, i just feel so inadequate because all these people i look up to, and secretly aspire to be, are fundamentally different from me. they have rich inner lives even in times of despair, they know how to build their own lives in the rubble and just keep on going despite it all. i just feel like a shell of a human being (dramatic i know). i'm also aware that i'm highly privileged and don't have to worry about money and housing, etc. and i'm grateful for that but despite that I just hate myself and I wish I could be someone else and change; I've tried to over the past years but i never make any actual changes in my life? I don't want to die per se, I just don't want to keep on living like this.

[2/2] also, with the looming climate desaster and our world being ruled by capitalism i know a lot of worries and problems stem from that;;;; also i've had this very embarrassing conversation with my family a month ago; i was very drunk and ofc started talking about capitalism, etc. and lgbtq rights. they're very conservative, smart and well-read and i'm just the complete opposite— my point being, bc i feel so desperately lonely i'm trying to have these conversations with the people around me that are obviously only really meant to be had with close pals and not with 60 year olds who only care about the bootstrap theory etc. anyway my grandmother called me out on my bs and said "so what have you done in your life so far?" nothing. i shouldn't complain about other people, politics etc. and the patriarchal, white supremacist strucures around us bc i've never worked a day in my life...... it's just. i know she's right. but like i literally don't know how to hold conversations anymore and can never recall stuff i read accurately so i'm just talking shit the whole time. i'm so desperately trying to get their approval but i'm just not well-read and smart enough. i know being dumb is not the worst thing to be, i'm alive and living in a well-situated area, but it's the only thing i used to define myself with. my parents expected a lot of us as children and i couldn't deliver. so i pretty much forced them to stop pressuring me but i wish they did now. bc then i would be smart, worldly and have a bright future. i'm sorry for the long rambling. i also don't want to ruin your feed by my long asks...... anyway, if you have any advice i would be so glad to hear it. bc i feel like i'm going slightly insane. -💌 sorry for doing this <33 🤠 feel free to just delete this;;;

hi 💌-anon!!!

don't feel bad for sending this in. your long post is going to have a long answer and it ruining my feed is literally the last thing on my mind. if it bothers people, that's on them ;) similarly to the last ask you sent in, i kind of just pulled out a few things that you wrote and decided to give my perspective on it. i hope that reading some of my (very scrambled) thoughts will relax your mind and heart just a little bit. everything will be okay, i promise.

so the first thing that stood out to me was when you mentioned how all of your favorite fictional characters just keep on going when they feel lonely and i know how frustrating that can be because it's so glorified. they just keep going and then boom! things are better, right? i want you to remember that this is fiction and not an accurate representation of how hard the feeling of loneliness actually hits. so try not to compare yourself to your favorite character and beat yourself up if you're not dealing with loneliness as well as they did because everything in fiction is better and easier.

as for feeling exhausted because of the goals you've made for yourself, i know what you mean. i'm such a perfectionist and workaholic (i suffered from such bad burn out this year). i'm learning how to lower them as well. it's good to be ambitious. it's amazing to have big dreams and goals but you have to prepare yourself for setbacks and failure. so from now on, it's decided that you and me, are going to be accountability buddies. no more unrealistic goals and deadlines. i will hold you accountable, you will hold me accountable and we'll improve together 🤍

so you don't know about things like history and art and you claim that these are things that matter. but matter to who? are you genuinely intrigued by these things? if you are, then study it. read about it. ask questions. but if they just matter to your family, then i really don't think you need to know about these things extensively. it's always good to know things generally but if you aren't interested, then don't waste your time learning about it just to please others.

i could be completely wrong, but from what i understood from your message, you feel really lonely and you're starting to feel a bit stuck. you're surrounded by people who are different from you and that sometimes makes you feel suffocated because the conversations you want to have aren't wanted by others. the first thing i noticed in your message is that you repeatedly call yourself stupid or dumb. you need to stop that, okay? if you keep telling that to yourself, it will destroy a lot of opportunities for you. trust me, i know. you will turn down opportunities thinking that you're not smart enough for it but it's not true. you don't need to be smart to have a bright future. you can be creative, you can athletic, you can be selfless, you can be funny. maybe you just need to embrace who you are and trust that you will have a bright future by just being you. i'll tell you something: you don't need to be exactly like your family to have their success. you need a determination and a good work ethic. where do you start? stop underselling your intelligence. believe in yourself!!!

P.S i can tell that you're smart because your vocabulary is out of this world!!! and oh my god, can we talk about your punctuation? like bestie, you're ahead of the game. i also had to google what the bootstrap theory is. you are smarter than you give yourself credit for!!

another thing i would encourage you to do is to avoid "deep" conversations with your family. if your family is very conservative, there are going to be certain topics that they just won't understand and it might make you frustrated or feel misunderstood; it might make you feel more lonely. i would advise you to just stick to more lighthearted conversations with them. it's not that you don't know how to hold conversations, it's just that the people you're talking to aren't the right listeners.

my sweet 💌-anon, times like these are normal! we all feel lonely at times and i know it's tough and it's frustrating and you feel like nothing in your life is going to work out but i promise you, it will. the universe has it's way of doing that. if i could, i would give you the chance to see yourself the way i see you - full of potential, warm-hearted, and so so deserving of a good life filled with love, caring people and success. times are tough, but so are you. you haven't made it this far to only come this far!! remember that i'm here for you every step of the way and you can message me any time you need to. i will never delete it or ignore you. i love talking to you <3