#i dont know if im being insane right now im so emotionally drained and confused i dont know anything

[kimmkitsuragi]

you know what's so awful about so many of us thinking eteri intentionally held kamila away from the podium? if this was her plan then why THE FUCK did kamila go through this shit in the first place? why did all the other 29 girls go through it? the worst part is i want to think no way, i know this sports is corrupted already but there's no way for this level of manipulation of the scores. but then i think if eteri could give her students bonus points, she could also intentionally make them have worse points then usual right? because a lot of people were thinking even as kamila was failing there was still a big chance of her being 3rd. she got the scores she deserved but WHEN ELSE did she ever get the scores she deserved? we all know all the eteri girls are usually overscored so why give her the standard treatment now? how can we believe there wasnt any intervention in all of this? im so tired and confused idk if any of this makes sense

[palace-of-freedom]

Self Satisfaction

I am not proud of the person i am today. The words “i love myself” or “I am happy with the person I am today” are not words that i would utter. I do like certain aspects of myself - certain traits. I like my ability to be optimistic at all times. I like my ability to help and be there for people. I like my ability to be friendly and approachable to people. What I don’t like is ny lack of confidence; my lack of self esteem; my lack of self worth.

I feel like over the past months, my identity has changed and i dont know how much i like this change. I am more social, but people’s words affect me easily. I am there for people under any circumstances, but i get emotionally drained quite quickly. I see the best in people, but I am naive for trusting them too soon.

For every positive quality of mine, there is a negative. By that I am a balanced person. But i need to improve. I am not perfect. To me, being perfect is not an attainable goal. Perfect is an illusion. I can strive for it, but it is not something i can ever achieve. Perfection, like beauty, lies in the eyes of the beholder. To me, a perfect person is someone who is trustworthy, reliable, honest, an optimistic realist, helpful, kind, caring, loving, compassionate, confident, self aware, empathetic, understanding, capable of taking care of themselves, logical and indpendent. I don’t know how much of that I am. Honestly, as of right now, i dont feel like I’m even a fraction of what i described.

My self esteem has taken a huge hit recently and i don’t know how to, or if I even have a right to boost it. I don’t feel like I am worth anything and some part of me is just waiting for the day that everyone i love and am close to will just abandon me. Subconsciously and even consciously, to an extent, I have started isolating myself and putting distance between myself and those closest to me.

I want people to want me and to need me. But i wouldn’t blame them for leaving me. I want to proved wrong, but i don’t think I will be. The smallest of things, which i wouldn’t have even batted an eyelash at in the past, affects me to another degree today. I am hyper sensitive and I don’t like it. I am weak and i don’t like it. I’m dependent and i don’t like it. But trying to change is harder than it looks. Being okay and happy is a challenge. Staying positive and optimistic on days when I don’t want to move is nearly impossible. I am trying to do all of those things. I don’t want to have my happiness affected by other people. I want control of my life. I dont want to be compared to a child who is too naive and trusting and cant make decisions for themselves. I want to be able to think for myself and not have other people making decisions for me. For all of this I need to prove myself to those around me, because otherwise they will only see someone who’s incapable of doing anything for herself, who makes stupid mistakes and can’t think on her own, because she is so insanely dependent on others for everything.

It hurts. It hurts like hell. And it feels like a mountain of pressure on me. I feel as though i can’t catch a break. Like nothing I do is ever enough for anyone around me. I don’t want to have to prove myself. I don’t want to justify myself. I just want to run away and be happy. I don’t even know if that’s impossible..i just know that i want it. I want to feel happy from the inside because I have forgotten what it feels like. I have forgotten what I am. I feel like a shell of a person and I dont remember what it was like to feel fully human.

Its extremely easy for people to break me - it doesn’t even have to be someone close to me. Once upon a time, nothing could kill a good mood of fine or take away my happiness unless it involved someone very close to me. Today, almost anyone affects me. Mentally I’m drained. My cogjnitive functioning has reduced considerably. I have to induce myself with stimulants like caffeine or depressants like alcohols to really feel something - some kind of positive emotions. If thats not bad enough, there are days when i feel an insatiable urge to cry but no tears come out. The only thing that satisfies me is some kind of physical pain (no, i do not self harm).

I can’t explain the psychology behind it. I cant explain my own reasoning behind it. I can’t understand the cause behind all these emotions. But what I do know is that something needs to change. I guess i need to work on my personality but i don’t have the energy to do it. I don’t care enough about myself to do it and a lot of the time, i don’t feel like others care either. I don’t see a point to anything. I just want to be free but i don’t even know what free means to me or how to get it. I feel lost and confused. I feel like im stranded in a labyrinth which is only covered in dead ends. And all I think I am capable of doing right now, is lying on the floor of the labyrinth I created for myself and going to sleep in it. I made my bed. I may as well lie in it.