#i dunno. this is silly in the grand scheme of things but. i wanna Express Myself™ thru my appearance a lil more

[viiridiangreen]

not to be obnoxiously materialistic as part of the capitalist apparatus' winter psyop but………………. First Goffick Platform Boots I've Had Ever Just Dropped lol

got these as a slightly early xmas yule present

i was literally JUST bitching at a beloved mutual the other day abt being sad that i don't really dress alt anymore?? these don't have 2kgs of spikes and buckles so idk if they're even considered Proper Goth by whatever arbitrary standard but they're a nice solid base to build on :)

[xxmourningdove666xx]

if this escapes my circle im live streaming my suicide but sometimes seeing body positivity posts hurts so much??? like, here's the thing, i know in the grand scheme of things despite my body dysmorphia im thin, sure i have a high-ish bmi but its fine... i think? i dunno- i wanna lose weight but im trying to keep off that because im already struggling with eating properly lmao- but any time i see a post thats like "oh being fat/gaining weight isnt a moral issue" i cant help but think "oh well yeah no duh- i know exactly whatcha mean" but in understanding what ppl mean by that it feels so... weird when it is a moral issue in my head??? and dont get me wrong, this is absolutely one of those things thats like "oh well go to therapy abt it" and yeah, yeah i know, im working through this mentality, but it just,,, sucks that i feel weirdly ashamed admitting that a body type is something i very much associate with ppl who have traumatized me and idk- its sad ig? like its one of those things that you cant really work through because first you have to express a fucked up thought that makes you feel like maybe you should kill yourself rather than admit because surely this is a sign youre a bad person? but idk- im just having a whole relapse when it comes to my silly lil eating disorder cuz ill never be free lmao

[siancore]

Title: Cupcakes and Compromise 

Pairing: Carol Danvers x Maria Rambeau 

Square Filled: Nightmares

Content: PTSD; Love Scene 

Words: 2,008

AO3 Link

Carol’s been gone for three months, and back just a week into her one month of leave. A week is not much time in the grander scheme of things, but the small moments are what she cherishes. Mundane domestic things are special to her. Not so much the fighting off threats and saving the universe: That’s a job she does gladly to protect those she loves. To protect Maria and Monica.

She has seen things other people can only dream of. Things that others have only seen in their nightmares, but when she is home, in their small house in Louisiana, none of the other stuff matters. All she can focus on is what’s right in front of her.

Presently, she is focused on the soft moans escaping Maria’s lips. Focused on the warmth that is enveloping her fingers as she curls them deftly. As sweat drips from her heated skin and mingles with Maria’s. As their lips come together. As their breathing quickens. As they whisper one another’s names in the dimly lit room while their pleasure washes over them. As they find their sweet release. As they lay together, sated and happy, a tangle of glistening limbs tethered to one another by the persistent thrumming of their hearts.

Maria rests her head on Carol’s shoulder as Carol strokes her hand over Maria’s hair.

“God, I love your hair like this,” says Carol, pressing the pads of her fingers to the soft curls.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you, baby,” Maria replies. “Glad I went natural. So much more manageable, to be honest Looks good, too.”

“You always look great,” Carol compliments. “It’s like every time I come home, the kid’s grown a few inches more, or you’re lookin’ even more radiant.”

“Don’t have to butter me up, Danvers,” says Maria as she tickles Carol’s side, causing her to squirm. “I already gave you some.”

They both laugh and Carol holds Maria tighter.

“I know, it’s just that I promised myself I’d tell you how beautiful you are every time the thought crosses my mind,” Carol admits, before kissing Maria’s forehead. “My work has me away from the two of you so much that I gotta make every moment here count.”

Maria is silent a beat, before she leans up on her elbow and glances down at Carol.

“You know you don’t always have to make grand gestures, right?” she asks as she places her hand over Carol’s heart. “It’s the little things that mean the most to us. Like the cupcakes you’re makin’ with the baby girl tomorrow.”

Carol smiles and says, “Oh, yeah. Can’t wait for the cupcakes. Still can’t believe Earth is the only planet that does cupcakes in the whole galaxy.”

“I know, right? It’s a cryin’ shame.”

Later, after the lights are off and the overhead fan hums quietly, Carol is drawn from her slumber by a tossing and turning beside her. Unintelligible murmurs slip from Maria’s lips as she thrashes about in their bed.

Carol reaches for her, ever so gently, placing a tentative hand to Maria’s arm. Her skin is searing and slick from perspiration. There is a slight tremor coursing through her. Carol’s heart sinks. She whispers Maria’s name softly into the darkness, then closer to her ear.

“Maria. Baby. Shhhh. It’s okay. Everything’s okay.”

A promise in the dead of night. Maria’s murmurs grow quiet; less frequent. Carol shifts closer, holding her still. Soothing words and light caresses calm her. The thrashing stops. Her breathing becomes even. She relaxes. She melts against Carol. Her slumber is peaceful again.

 Maria’s been sleeping alone for three months and has Carol back in their bed just a week; one week into her one month of leave. A week is not much time in the grander scheme of things, but the small moments are what she cherishes. Mundane domestic things are special to her and keep her from worrying so much while the love of her life is off saving the universe. She understands why Carol does it. To protect their little family and every other family out there. Still, she can’t help but feel the dread eating away at her with every moment that passes. Even now that Carol is home safe, the trepidation creeps up on Maria because she knows that the call will come, and Carol will go. And who knows if she will make it back to them next time?

Maria pushes those thoughts deep down inside where the dread is churning away.  

She and her girls have cupcakes to make.

Monica stirs the batter with a wooden spoon. She is somehow cleaner than her parents: Carol’s shirt is a mess and Maria has flour dotted against her face and dusted against her hair. They smile and laugh and speak about how delicious the cupcakes will be. Maria watches the two of them, cheerfully oblivious to the fact that for the past week sleep has been evading her. And when she does sleep, her slumber is plagued with nightmares. Maria brushes the thoughts aside. They don’t need to know. She doesn’t need to sully the moment. The moments they cherish.

A yawn escapes her lips and Monica says, “Mama. Don’t forget to cover your mouth when you yawn or the devil will fly in.”

Maria rolls her eyes and looks at Carol, before saying, “I wish you wouldn’t tell her these old wives’ tales.”

And then, to herself, There’re enough demons here to last a lifetime.

“Sorry, babe,” says Carol stealing a quick kiss, but not before noticing the faraway look that settles on Maria’s pretty face.

Carol takes hold of her hand and asks, “You alright?”

“Yeah, course,” Maria answers, giving her hand a squeeze. “Come on. Let’s get these cupcakes in the oven.”

One minute, Carol, Maria, and Monica are laughing in the kitchen, the next, Carol’s getting trays out to put the cupcake batter in, and a bunch of them come tumbling to the floor. The loud clanging startles Maria and the next thing they know is she’s flinching away, almost ducking for cover.

Carol doesn’t notice until Monica is standing there with a frightened expression on her face.

“Babe? Maria? Baby?” says Carol, as she notices the other woman cowering near the island counter.

She steps forward and Maria snaps out of her momentary fright.

“Mama?”

“I’m okay,” says Maria, forcing a smile and straightening up. “I’m okay. Just got startled.”

Monica moves toward her mother and falls into an embrace. Carol comes and wraps her arm around her wife.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Maria says, slightly embarrassed by her reaction. “I’m just tired.”

The light hanging in the workshop is sufficient despite the late hour and the shroud of darkness blanketing everything. Maria wipes her grease-covered hands onto her coveralls, and then presses the back of her hand to her brow. It doesn’t matter how much work she has put into the small craft, she always finds something else that needs fixing or tinkering with. It’s where Carol finds her, frowning at the engine in the middle of the night.

“There you are,” says Carol softly, so as not to startle Maria. “You had me scared for a minute.”

Carol comes closer, holding a container and wearing a gentle smile.

“Hey, babe,” Maria replies, as she places her tools down and leans against the tiny aircraft. “Just working on the engine.”

“How’s it comin’?”

“Haven’t even started her up at all.”

Carol takes a seat on a crate close by.

“For real?”

“Yeah, it’s silly. I just don’t want the noise,” Maria explains. “And it’s so quiet out here. Close enough to home, but far away from everyone. And I need that. I need the peace and quiet.”

Silence floats around them for a brief moment before Carol asks, “Is it to do with the nightmares?”

Maria lets out a little huff that is more of a self-deprecating laugh.

“Nothin’ gets past you.”

“I noticed,” Carol supplies with a gentle smile. “So, what’s it all about?”

“Honesty?”

“Yeah.”

“You,” says Maria, causing Carol’s stomach to drop. “It’s about what happened to you before. And then you comin’ back. I was just getting used to not havin’ you around, hard as it was. And then you came back. And I’m happy, but confused? And scared. I dunno.”

Carol nods her head and lets Maria continue.

“You were up there, and then you weren’t. And there was nothing left. You were gone. Just like that. And now you’re back. And it’s a lot for me to deal with.”

“You – you want me to go?” asks Carol earnestly, as a look of concern washes over her face and fear settles in her stomach.

“No. Of course not. I want you here with us, I just – it’s brought up a lot of memories. Things I thought I was over. And I’m scared.”

Carol feels her heart break as she listens to Maria’s trembling words, before she whispers, “What’re you afraid of?”

Maria takes a deep, albeit shaky breath.

“That this is all a cruel dream,” Maria admits. “That I’ll wake up and reach for you, and you’ll be gone, again. For good this time. I just – I just don’t know how to stop this sinking feeling.”

She glances down at the container and asks, “What you got there?”

It’s a respite from the heaviness of their conversation.

“Cupcakes,” Carol says with a smile, as she removes the lid. “You want some?”

“Yeah,” Maria replies, grinning plaintively.

They each take a cupcake and Maria sits next to Carol. They eat in silence before Carol speaks again.

“You being out here on your own with the baby and no one to lean on isn’t good. I want to be here for you. Talk to me. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“What if it’s something you don’t want to hear?”

“I still wanna hear it. We’ll face it together.”

“Okay,” Maria says, while taking another deep breath. “Okay. I don’t want you to quit doin’ what you do. It’s important work. But I would like it if you were around more. I don’t know what that looks like for us. I just know bein’ worried about it keeps me up at night.”

Carol nods in understanding and says, “I’ll quit tomorrow if you want me to.”

“That’s not it. I really don’t want that, and I know you don’t either.”

“Okay, I can make a compromise. I can come back home more often, do more work here, and we can get some help for you. Help you deal a little better; help you with the nightmares.”

Maria smiles and slips her free hand into Carol’s and says, “Thank you. I’d like that. God. I feel better already.”

Carol lifts Maria’s hand to her lips and kisses her knuckles before saying, “Good. I’m glad. And no matter where I go, this is my home, here with my girls. So if you ever need me to call in sick, I’ll do it.”

“You don’t get sick,” says Maria with a smile.

“Yeah, yeah,” Carol replies, bumping their shoulders together. “But if you ever need me to stop, I’ll do it.”

“I can’t ask you to stop saving the world. But I appreciate you bein’ here with us here and now.”

“I’m gonna take another month or two of leave. Gonna submit a request tomorrow.”

“Babe, one extra month is fine.”

“Two months,” Carol insists.

“You’re a sweetheart, and an amazing wife, but one extra month is good. You’ve got a universe to protect, too, remember.”

“Yeah well, you’re my whole universe, okay? I’ll do what I need to protect you. And right now, you need me here. Everyone else can wait.”

The pair share tired smiles and then a chaste kiss before silently finishing off their cupcakes and retiring to their bedroom, pleased to have spoken; pleased to have cleared the air. Both sleep through the rest of the night holding one another, unmarred by worry and bad dreams.