#i ended up doing most the work and when the muffins didnt turn out guess who got the blame

[sharkdays]

im so fed up

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Title: Coffee Shop Romance

Gif credit @cactiem

Requested on wattpad

Happy Reading Dollies

Hope you all enjoy

You were dragging yourself to work when you saw the coffee shop in your distance, you needed a large coffee to keep you alive after the night of no sleep.

"What can I get you"? A young man in his late twenties, early thirties asked as you looked at the menu. You knew what you wanted but they always had something different each week for a pastry.

"Um, A very large coffee, with cream and sugar. Lots of sugar. Then I'll have a chocolate chip muffin, a bear claw and a apple tart with powdered sugar. A Danish and a powdered donut". You say with a smile that turned into a blush because he was staring at you with a cute grin.

"Would that be it? We have this amazing blueberry cake with a lemon glaze. It's so good".

"I think so. I'm not a fan of blueberries. Thanks though".

"Not a fan of blueberries? What"? He dramatically gasped with a laugh.

"Just not my thing. Not a fan of strawberries either". You say as you swiped your card.

"Are you even human? Everyone likes strawberries". He chuckled going to get your items.

"If you had a spicy pastry then I'll buy you out of it. I'm really into spicy things. I guess my job made me that way". You say as you started eating your muffin.

"What do you do"?

"I'm a firefighter at Chicago fire department".

"No way"? He stopped what he was doing and walked over to the counter.

"I use to work there myself. I'm Peter Mills".

"No way. Your dad is a legend".

"Yeah, he is. That's why I wanted to be a firefighter".

"Then why did you leave"?

"I didnt want to end up like him. So I came here to help out. My family owns this shop".

"Well I do have to say you make killer coffee and breakfast food. It has kept me alive for a long time". You chuckled pushing a piece of hair behind your ear.

"Are you on your way to work now"?

"Yeah. I'm kinda running late but I worked a double yesterday and didnt sleep good last night so it's okay".

"Oh. Well you have a safe day and I'll see you tomorrow morning". He smiled handing you your baggy of goodies and your coffee.

"Thanks, have a good day".

"I'll think about adding something spicy to the menu". Peter spoke before you walked out.

"I can't wait". You simply said with a smile as you walked out the door.

After a few months of visiting the coffee shop on your way to and from work Peter and you became quite good friends. He even made you a tester for new food he was thinking about.

"Taste this". You opened your mouth and he laid a harmless little donut on your tongue. Wrong, as you started chewing it up.

"Hot, hot, very hot". You fanned your mouth as you looked around for something to cool it off with. Peter laughing.

"What..was...in..that"?

"Fire balls, cinnamon and some cayenne pepper. Hot isn't"?

"That is not the definition of that donut".

"But was it good"?

"Yeah, strangely it was. With a nice glass of cold milk it would be great. I'll like some of this for the guys".

"You think they'll like them"?

"Yeah, they're wonderful. Kinda like you". You bit your lip waiting for Peter to catch on and surprisingly he did, fast.

"Me, wonderful? No, you're the wonderful one". He blushed.

You looked at him and batted your eyes softly. Taking a piece of cake that was on your plate and slowly put in your mouth.

Peter gulped. "Do you want to go out with me"?

"I thought you would never ask. Yes". You smiled and leaned closer to him. You could tell he was a little nervous but you pecked his lips with yours and got up from the table.

"Where are you going"? He asked with a chuckle.

"To get ready for out date of course". You blew him a kiss and went on your way. Peter relaxed in the chair and blushed like crazy, he couldn't believe it.

Peter didn't say where you were going, he picked you up from your apartment and drove around.

"Where are we"?

"Just wait and see". Peter pulled up to a building and cut the car off. He got out and ran to open your door.

"Close your eyes". He put his hand over your eyes and guided you along. Making sure you didnt bump into anything.

"Almost there".

"Peter". You giggled as he moved his hand.

"What's all this"? You gushed as you saw lights streamed around. A blanket on the top of the roof. A picnic was laid out and music was playing.

"I wanted our first date to be special. I hope you dont mind us just having a picnic"?

"I love it. You're amazing". You said with a twinkle in your eye as Peter lit up with joy.

You both sat down, talked, ate and danced. Laughed and really laughed. He was something else. Something special.

"I'm really enjoying myself and I don't want it to end". You tell him as your laying back on his arm as you two are looking at the stars in the sky.

"It doesnt have to. We can just stay here forever".

"I wish that was true". You said getting up and sliding your shoes back on.

"I need to get home, I have a early morning tomorrow". You sadly said.

"Okay". Peter got up and wrapped his arm around you taking you to the car.

Peter dropped you off at your apartment, kissed you goodnight and went on his way. He had the best night of his life and he could see doing it every night with you. It was just the first date and Peter was falling in love with you.

Months past, Peter and you had officially become a couple. You both enjoyed it so much that you basically moved in with him and sold your apartment. He treated you like a queen and loved every inch of you. You were madly in love with him. He was the sweetest, most kindest man you have ever met, besides Herrmann of course but he approved of Peter and you together. They all did.

One day you were coming home from work and stopped by the coffee shop to see what Peter wanted for dinner. He did most of the cooking but you wanted to surprise him.

"Hey beautiful". He grinned as you walked in.

"Hey baby". You kissed his lips and he walked you over to one of the tables.

"Everything okay"? You asked.

"Yeah, everything's great. You okay"?

"Yeah, just stopped by to see what you wanted for dinner"?

"Besides you"? He laughed, making you giggle.

"Yes, besides me. Anything special"?

"There is one thing". Peter got up from his seat and went behind the counter.

"Peter, what would you like? You name it and I'll do it". You say getting up when Peter didn't come back.

"Oh my god". Your hand went over your mouth.

"Will you marry me"? Peter was down on one knee, a black box in hand a silver diamond ring was in the other.

"Yes". You squealed as you attacked Peter with a hug.

"I can't believe this is happening". You say calming down. Peter took your trembling hand and slid the ring on your ring finger.

"I promise to love you and to be loyal to you. I promise to put you and our family before anything. I promise to be truthful and honest. I promise to take care of you until the our last breath. I love you Y/N Y/L/N".

By now you had tears running down your face. "I love you so much Peter. I'm so thankful you came into my life. I will always cherish you. You're my everything. I can't wait to be your wife". He grabbed your chin and kissed you deeply. You never thought of yourself as the settling down type until you met Peter. He changed you for the best.

[lgbtyrus]

TJ’s Playlist Chapter 6

Story Summary: When Cyrus finds a playlist on TJ’s desktop full of old love songs, he realizes that TJ has never been a scary basketball guy but rather a huge sap. TJ just wished Cyrus could realize that all of those songs remind him of a certain boy who likes chocolate chocolate chip muffins without telling him directly.

With insecurities and fears almost set in stone, it’s hard for TJ to admit that he has a heart aching crush on Cyrus who is trying to avoid just that. Of course, it doesn’t seem like both of them are trying to get over each other when they’re always together.

Ao3 Link | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Words: 4252

Warning: angst, they cuss now

Cyrus found himself still lying awake in his dark room. His blanket had been thrown to the side, and he was sweating. He made his way to his restroom, and when he was washing his hands, he looked up at his mirror. He looked exhausted. He had told TJ goodnight and his intentions were to fall asleep right away like he had for the last few years. It was a gift Andi and Buffy always told him that they envied.

Only he couldn’t.

He kept thinking about his conversation with Buffy and wondered if there was anything that they had done that made her ask that question. What had put the idea in her head?

The only thing that drove him crazier was that he couldn’t get the idea out of his head. When had put the polaroid of him and TJ in his journal, he doodled a heart on the side without thinking. He quickly turned it into a shaded in circle and shut his journal.

He didn’t want to like TJ. He couldn’t like TJ. He didn’t want to be feeling all those butterflies and how his cheeks managed to feel hotter around him even though it was already 90 degrees outside. TJ was the human version of the sun to him, and it was getting harder to look at him. Cyrus couldn’t help but notice the few freckles that dotted his nose. Green was becoming a prettier color to him, and he didn’t want to know if it was because that was the color of TJ’s eyes. Their height difference was becoming a lot more noticeable to him, too. Thinking about their height difference killed him. It was when he wondered if he’d have to stand on his tippy toes to kiss him.

He would do absolutely anything to stop thinking about TJ.

Only it was getting harder.

It was kind of starting to hurt, too. It was the same longing he felt in his chest when he saw Jonah. His obstacle from being with Jonah was Andi and the probable fact that Jonah didn’t like boys. His obstacle with being TJ was simply that he didn’t like boys- making it easier to lose their friendship. If Jonah had found out, he was probably going to say “oh sorry” and then proceed to still be friends with him because of the Good Hair Crew.

If TJ found out, Cyrus had already built 22 different scenarios of it going horribly wrong. Only one of them included a “Sorry, Cyrus. I don’t like guys. But let’s still be friends.” Only, they didn’t ever speak again after that. Cyrus felt like he was driving himself mad thinking of it.

Cyrus made his way back into his room and threw himself at his bed. He hadn’t checked the time in a while, so he unplugged his phone from the charger on his bedside table. He let out a sigh as he realized it was 2:02AM. He felt curse. He had never stayed up for no reason, not even when he liked Iris or Jonah. If anything, he wanted to go to sleep to avoid the fact that he didn’t like kissing Iris as cool as she was. He wanted to fall asleep so that he could dream of another world where Jonah liked him.

But now all he could do is stay away and live in the world where TJ Kippen didn’t like him.

Cyrus shut his eyes once more, his phone gripped in his hand. He tried to fall asleep, and he knew it wasn't working. He slightly picked his head up and slammed it back down repeatedly on his pillow, hoping it'd be enough to take him out. It didn't work.

He began thinking about TJ again as he gave up and lay there. He thought about how he was actually putting in a lot more effort into his math. It made him smile.

Then he remembered.

Cyrus: Hey TJ r u awake?

In less than a minute, there was a response on his phone.

TJ: Yes but u shouldnt be

Cyrus: i can't sleep

TJ: why not?

Because of you!

Cyrus: honestly im not sure. i just have a lot of things running through my mind

You.

TJ: Do you want to talk about it?

Cyrus: I don't think so. I don't even know y i texted u in the first place tbh. sorry

TJ: youre good. i dont fall asleep until like 4am

Cyrus: oh man thats too late kgfdjgfdg

TJ: lmao i didnt think youd ever fall asleep past 10

Cyrus: i never do. i have a strict need for at least 7 hrs of sleep or ill die

TJ: looks like ur gonna die

Cyrus: please release a white dove at my funeral. make it two so it won't be lonely. Im being honest rn. im chugging a gallon of coffee tomorrow i swear. how do u do it everyday

TJ: I don't have a choice most of the time lmao. i just deal with it and let it slowly try to kill me

Cyrus: so u havent died bc you're a vampire?

TJ: u can say that. Hey can I call you instead? Im lazy

Cyrus: ye

“No,” Cyrus groaned. Hearing his voice was going to make everything feel worse. His phone started buzzing and he quickly answered it. He had never been happier about having soundproof walls. He didn’t want his parents asking what he was doing up so late talking to TJ.

“Hey,” TJ mumbled. Cyrus thought his sleepy voice was going to knock him out cold right then and right there.

“Hey, vampire,” Cyrus teased, making TJ chuckled in response.

“You sound awfully happy.”

“I’d be happier if I was asleep but I guess a late night conversation with my good pal TJ won’t kill me.”

“I’m starting to wonder if you really made up with Buffy,” TJ hummed. His voice was groggy yet Cyrus ate up every single one of his words. This was definitely a bad decision. “Did you?”

“I did,” Cyrus sighed. He was starting to wonder if he should tell him the real reason he couldn’t sleep. No. Then I’d have to tell him the idea of us liking each other is keeping me awake. But…. I don’t like him so it wouldn’t matter would it?

“We’re all cool right? I was wondering if she wanted to get her girl team to practice with mine.”

Cyrus grinned, “That’s actually be great. You should talk to her about it. I swear she’s not angry.”

“Why was she acting up with you then?”

“Stupid reasons. She admitted it herself. She’s scared of… something.”

“Buffy? Scared?” TJ scoffed. “Of what? Her reflection?” TJ paused and then said, “Sorry, that was mean.” Cyrus ended up laughing.

“No, it’s fine. She’s more worried you can say.”

“Of what?”

Of us falling in love, getting married, adopting kids, and living next door to her.

“Of us getting closer I guess.”

“So, she’s jealous?” TJ asked. Cyrus stopped himself for a moment. He hadn’t thought about it that way. He did make it clear he’d never pick anyone over her and Andi, though. He wouldn’t.

“Well we cleared it up, so I don’t think so.”

“Did she,” TJ hummed for a moment, “say anything else?” Cyrus raised an eyebrow. Did TJ know something else?

“Why are you asking?”

“Um…. Just curious.”

“You sure?”

“Well,” TJ added hesitantly. “I don’t know. I guess Amber and Buffy talked.”

“Buffy and Amber? Like my Buffy?”

“No, Buffy Summers. Yes, your Buffy,” TJ chuckled. “I guess that Amber showed her that photo where we both fell asleep and um,” TJ’s voice got lower, “I think that’s why she started acting up. Acting up is the right phrase to use but it’s 2AM. Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Cyrus barely managed to say. His heart was beating fast and he was filling up with dread. Did TJ know exactly what Buffy was thinking?

“But did she say anything weird?” TJ asked again. Cyrus realized there were only 22 ways this could go wrong, and then chances of triggering one wasn’t that high. He was also half asleep and his “fuck it” senses were quite activated.

“By weird do you mean her asking me a million times about the idea of us dating?” Cyrus quickly spit out, hoping TJ might miss the word ‘dating’. There was a moment of complete silence for almost twenty seconds. Cyrus palms were feeling sweaty, so he put his phone on speaker and lay it on the pillow next to him.

“Yeah, that,” TJ finally said. “I think it was because of Amber, to be honest.”

“I mean everything makes sense, now,” Cyrus replied. “I was getting worried about some dumb stuff. I think that’s why I couldn’t sleep.” He felt a lot more relieved. So he and TJ hasn’t done something that made it seem like they had “more than friends” intentions. It was just a conversation between Buffy and Amber that sparked something in Buffy.

“So you do know why you can’t sleep,” TJ told him, discarding the dating topic.

“Well, kind of. I mean Buffy and I actually fought over this. We never fight.”

“Just because her and Amber conspired that we liked each other?” TJ scoffed. “They do know that will never happen right?” Those words seemed to chew right through Cyrus’ heart strings.

“Yeah… yeah,” Cyrus cleared his throat. “I mean we fixed it. She realized she was being dumb. She admitted it, too.”

“Did she apologize?”

“No. I don’t expect her to. It’s Buffy.”

“It’s Buffy isn’t a good excuse, Underdog. If I drain the blood out of a kindergartner, nobody is going to say, ‘Well, it’s just TJ.’ Are they?”

“One, they’re totally different. Two, one of them is completely unrealistic.” He wished TJ wasn’t so blunt sometimes. It made him come face to face with the feelings and thoughts he always shoved in the back of his head.

“Buffy apologizing every once in a while shouldn’t be unrealistic.”

“Well,” Cyrus sighed. “I don’t feel like she owes me an apology, okay?”

“If you’re comfortable with lying to yourself, sure.”

“I’m so comfortable with lying to myself, I’d convince myself that I love myself.”

“Self-deprecating humor, huh. Nice”

“Thanks. It’s a specialty. My brain is full of it.”

“That’s nice. My brain is full of useless facts.”

“Like what?”

“Like a cat named Stubbs was the mayor of Alaska from 1997 until his death.

“TJ, I know I don’t cuss, but literally. What the fuck,” Cyrus softly chuckled, causing TJ to erupt with laughter. Cyrus rarely heard TJ laugh like this, but it was music to his ears. He really did hate the way TJ made him feel like he was floating on the clouds. He was starting to get sleepy now.

“I can’t remember how to do long division, but I honestly can remember the dumbest things,” TJ said, starting to mumble again. “Hey, Underdog. Have you started reading The Giver yet?”

“No,” Cyrus yawned. “We don’t need to be up to chapter five until Friday.”

“Want me to read it to you until you fall asleep? You sound like you’re going to pass out any minute now.”

“But then I won’t remember where I was before I fell asleep,” Cyrus moaned.

“Don’t argue. I’m already getting my book,” TJ told him. Cyrus could hear TJ shuffling around the bedroom. “Alright. Chapter one…” TJ read to him for what felt twenty minutes before he couldn’t remember anything but the lightness of dream.

-

And now the purple dusk of twilight time

Steals across the meadows of my heart

TJ was in the middle of chapter two when he heard light snoring. He smiled and whispered, “Goodnight, Underdog.” He hung up the phone and set the book back inside of his backpack before shutting off the lights. He went back under his covers and checked his phone for the time. It was 3AM, and he could hear the distant yet familiar arguing from downstairs. He had blocked it out for almost an hour thanks to Cyrus and Lois Lowry. TJ put the sides of the pillows to cover his ears and closed his eyes.

He knew time had passed when his eyes blasted open at the sound of a door slamming shut. The front door downstairs. He then registered the soft crying. Amber’s crying. He sat straight up and saw that Amber was at the end of his bed, her back against the wall.

“Amber?” TJ rubbed his eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Dad left,” she whispered. TJ stopped moving. Was he hearing wrong?

High up in the sky the little stars climb

Always reminding me that we're apart

You wander down the lane and far away

Leaving me a song that will not die

“What?”

“Dad left. I heard them fighting in the bedroom like twenty minutes ago and he was packing his stuff,” she covered her face as she started to bawl. TJ lowered his hand and crawled over and put his arm around her. Amber shared a wall with their parents. TJ at least had the guest room in between which spared him a lot. Amber had always had it the worst.

“He’ll come back,” TJ whispered, his eyes starting to burn with tears. “He’ll come back.” Amber kept crying, her sobs eventually turning into wails. All TJ could do was sit there and hug her. He hadn’t even checked what time it was. He didn’t know if Amber had fallen asleep. It was getting hazy and everything felt a million times heavier. Amber’s sobs would die down and then increase suddenly, and he failed at trying not to cry. The only thing he heard was crying and the cars that would pass by in the streets. There was a ghostly silence emitting from the entire house. “He has to come back.”

Amber fell asleep after a long while, but TJ stayed wide awake. He gently laid her down before positioning himself next to his window. He was sitting with his back flat on his poster-covered wall, his eyes switching between watching Amber sleep and staring at the photos on his ceiling. He couldn’t really see them. It was still dark outside, and he didn’t know what he was waiting for. As soon as the sun beams started burst through the window and hit his bedsheets, he knew. He reached out a hand and let the light beam of sunshine hit his hand. There were striped shadows from the blinds wrapping around his skin. He let out a half-smile before closing his eyes. Everything will work out the way it’s meant to be he told himself. His GG always said that the rising sun meant a new era. He knew he wasn’t lying because the day he died, the sunrise turned the skies orange. It was his GG’s favorite color.

The music of the years gone by.

Sometimes I wonder, how I spend

The lonely nights

Dreaming of a song

The melody

Haunts my reverie

And I am once again with you

TJ laid down next to Amber and closed his eyes, almost immediately falling asleep. It didn’t feel like he had slept for more than a few minutes, but it was 6:30AM when he woke up to Amber turning off his alarm clock. He hadn’t even covered himself with the blankets, and he was cold. Amber stood up with her hands wrapped around herself as she shivered.

“Get ready, okay?” she told him, her teeth chattering. She looked horrible, and TJ knew he did, too. He simply nodded his head, and she made her way out of his room. He didn’t want to get up. He was exhausted and drained. It was a different type of tired where everything felt heavy and his throat felt dry. His eyes hurt every time he blinked. He had no idea how he was going to make it through the entire day. He still had work that afternoon, and he definitely could not skip right now.

He stood up anyways and got dressed. He went out into the hall and heard the sink running in the restroom. Amber was going to be a while. He went back into his room and got his hair gel from his bag and started doing his hair in there to get that over with. When he was done, he heard his phone vibrate. He reached over and smiled when he saw who it was from.

Cyrus: Good morning. I’m dead.

TJ: God I wish I were you right now

Cyrus: What time did u fall asleep??? I don’t even remember falling asleep.

TJ: u knocked out like at 3.

Cyrus: how much sleep did you get

TJ: idk like 2

Cyrus: 2 what? Hours

TJ: minutes

Cyrus: tj omg. Minutes?!!!!!

TJ: okay maybe like an hour or 2 I don’t really know.

TJ hesitated before sending the next text.

TJ: everything just sucks right now

Cyrus: hey I’m here if you need anything okay? We can talk about it over baby tators after tutoring if you’d like. My treat this time.

TJ: can’t. I have work.

Cyrus: I’ll walk you to work then. Sound good?

TJ: sounds perfect :^)

Cyrus: :o)

TJ heard the restroom door open, and he walked out to finish getting ready. Amber saw the smile on his face and raised an eyebrow, “Cyrus.” TJ shrugged, the smile not faltering. “Goofy boys,” Amber shook her head with a grin and walked back into her room.

When TJ finished getting ready, he walked down stairs to find Amber making them breakfast. He had heard their mom shuffling around in the master bedroom, so he knew she wasn’t downstairs.

“Eat up,” Amber told him as he sat down. “It’s almost seven, and I’m pretty sure we’re walking.” TJ didn’t say anything and gratefully ate the breakfast. They both ate in silence. TJ realized Amber didn’t have any makeup on and her hair was in a ponytail. He had seen himself in the mirror minutes ago, and he knew he didn’t exactly look like Prince Charming either.

They both turned to the kitchen doorway when their mom walked inside. She was still in her work uniform, and her hair was in a bun that was fall apart. Her eyes and nose were extremely red.

“I made breakfast,” Amber told her, not looking at her for longer than a second. TJ just saw her nod her head before walking to the coffee machine.

“You kids don’t have to go to school today,” she told them, her voice quiet yet rough. “I’ll call in.”

“I have to turn in an essay,” Amber quickly responded.

“Yeah,” TJ momentarily added, “I have tutoring after school.”

“Tutoring?” their mom turned to look at him. TJ sunk back a little in his seat. They had been told about his dyscalculia, but it was something they haven’t talked about in a while.

“Yeah,” TJ bit his lip. “I have it for math with a friend and Mrs. Pierson.” She simply nodded her head and went back to paying attention to the coffee machine. They were silent for the next few minutes as Amber and TJ kept eating, the clinking of dishes filling the air. Their mom watched them carefully as she drank her coffee. TJ checked his phone and told them, “I better get going.” He collected his and Amber’s dishes and placed them in the sink.

“I’ll wash them after I drop you kids off,” their mom putting her coffee on the counter. “Let me go get the keys.”

“We can walk if you want,” Amber told her delicately. She hadn’t taken them to school in ages. They called it an unnecessary waste of gas most of the time.

“No,” she shook her head. “I want to. At least today.” Neither TJ or Amber pressed the matter and just went to wait by the door. Amber’s eyes were already tearing up as they got to the door. TJ gave her a weak reassuring and smile which caused Amber to rub her eyes in an attempt of disguise. When the heard the keys rattling, Amber turned to their mom and said, “I have English second period. I might text you to pick me up.”

“I’ll be by my phone,” she said as they all walked out to the family car. TJ sat in the back seat and waited for the car to start moving. He felt ice cold even though fall had barely crept in, and it was making him want to sleep. He started considering skipping school. Mrs. Pierson would understand. Cyrus would, too. “Hey, um,” their mom gently said. “I just want you kids to know that I already talked to my boss. I’m getting shifts as I need them. I’m going to be responsible now, I swear. Nana and I talked. She’ll be on call if any of you two need anything, and I’m at work.” TJ knew Amber was crying again. It made him feel worse hearing her cry. Their mom started choking up, “Hey, I love you kids, okay? I’ve been a shitty mom lately, but we’ll get through this even if it’s just the three of us. I swear.”

He has to come back. He has to come back.

-

TJ was early to school; not a lot of kids had gotten dropped off. He walked into the cafeteria and got in line (it was only two kids in front of him). He was full already, but he eyed the chocolate chocolate chip muffins. He grabbed one and went back outside to sit at a picnic bench. He pulled out his phone and realized he already had a text from Cyrus.

Cyrus: hey I need to see you before class starts

TJ: im already at school sooo

Cyrus: im almost there. Where are u?

TJ: Benches by the cafeteria

TJ didn’t bother waiting for a response. He rested his head on his propped up arm and started closing his eyes. His eyelids felt so stiff, and he if tired had a taste, it was whatever parched feeling he had in his throat.

“Good morning!” Cyrus enthusiastically said, causing TJ to jump up startled.

“Hey!” TJ yelped. He quickly turned around to see if anyone had seen, but it was just kids minding their own business and Cyrus laughing. TJ smirked at Cyrus, “Proud that you scared the shit out of me?”

“Kind of, yes,” Cyrus grinned. He had two coffee shop drinks in his hands and one was half-way done. TJ assumed that’s where he got his energy. “Here,” Cyrus set the coffee in front of TJ. “I don’t know if you drink coffee, but I know you need it.”

“I’m usually an energy drink guy, but I tend to not splurge on them. Sleep is free energy,” TJ said and picked up the coffee. He studied the see-thru plastic carefully. He rarely got anything from the coffee shop. He didn’t know how to order it. Why couldn’t the sizes just be small, medium, and large?

“You’re not getting any sleep, and TJ, I mean this in the nicest way possible. You look exhausted. I’m so glad I chose today to get you this,” Cyrus gave TJ an apologetic look. TJ was half-asleep, so he just stared at Cyrus’ lips for a few seconds too long before remembering he was in a conversation.

“Uh, yeah,” TJ blinked furiously and set the coffee down, “thank you by the way. I owe you one.”

“No, you don’t,” Cyrus shook his head. TJ took a sip from the straw and immediately made a sour face.

“What is this, Underdog?” TJ smacked his lips a few times. It was super sweet at first, but he liked the aftertaste. He started drinking it again.

“I call it liquid cocaine. It’s 4 shots of expresso, and 4 pumps of white chocolate syrup over ice in a cold cup.”

“Sounds unhealthy.”

“You sleeping habits are unhealthy, TJ. You need to get more sleep.”

“Sounds fake.”

“TJ!” Cyrus whined.

“Fine, fine,” TJ rubbed his eyes. “I’ll take sleeping syrup or something.”

“Don’t abuse that stuff, though.”

“Do you want me to sleep or not?” TJ smiled, causing Cyrus to shrug.

“I guess,” Cyrus sighed. TJ felt nice for a change. Every time he realized Cyrus cared about him, it made everything feel better. Even if everything was a complete shit pile. “Hey we have time to talk if you want to tell me what’s wrong. Or we can wait until after school. If we don’t crash.” TJ looked around and bit his lip. If he didn’t make it to the end of the school day, it wasn’t going to be because of a caffeine crash. He was pretty good at hiding any emotional distress in person, but he didn’t know how long he’d be able to hold this in.

“I’ll just um…,” TJ bit his lip harder.

“We’ll talk after school,” Cyrus reached his hand across the table and squeezed TJ’s free hand. TJ felt himself turning red, but he didn’t reach out to cover his nose. He put the coffee down and set the abandoned muffin right in front of Cyrus.

“It’s for you.”

The nightingale

Tells his fairytale

Of paradise, where roses grew

Though I dream in vain

In my heart it will remain

My stardust melody

The memory of love's refrain.

Next Chapter

A/N: Thank you for reading! Here’s those who asked to be tagged :) If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know! Also if I forget you I swear it wasn’t on purpose. I skip over things in my head sometimes.

@magicalcowboycalzonemoney @the-greatt-perhaps @thedampjofangirl@evaeselgreatest @musicalsfuckmeup @stupidlambforever

[ihavealavalamp]

Poetry, UO Ellar, Holly, Huli, Enya

HELL YEA it’s a lot so. beneath the cut.

for poetry!!

01. Full name: previously Jonah Violette (which is cursed), currently Poetry Sumemrgrove, i guess! poetry of summergrove? yeah. 02. Best friend: morgan, harumi, sheila, prosper, and justice are all his closest friends and he loves all of them very much03. Sexuality: bi!04. Favorite color: cyan/blue..05. Relationship status: Very In Love With Morgan06. Ideal mate: morgan..07. Turn-ons: Oh You Know08. Favorite food: hashbrowns babey09. Crushes: thats morgan babes!!!10. Favorite music: he likes more peaceful quiet music, he probably loves the piano!11. Biggest fear: dying. Again. or losing the people who have come to be so important to him..12. Biggest fantasy: being done with all this chosen one stuff and just having a good peaceful life where it isn’t Something every day 13. Bad habits: he has a bit of a temper i guess fhgfh, he tends to lash out if aggravated. and i guess his hot-headedness makes him unaware of his surroundings pretty often so. does collateral damage count as a bad habit.14. Biggest regret: paying for the assassination of the lavals...15. Best kept secrets: i dont know, actually!! most of his big secrets have been revealed at this point in the campaign, he doesnt have much to hide from the party fghgf16. Last thought: i cant think of anything Specific but probably worry about justice rn.. he knows how she feels rn and hopes she’ll be alright17. Worst romantic experience: im sorry i know it ended well but when morgan asked if poetry wanted to be his boyfriend after they kissed and poetry didnt know how to deal with the situation so he just booked it out of the room, leaving morgan standing there in the room alone Stunned. thats a classic. 18. Biggest insecurity: uhh im not sure, actually! i think hes very insecure about whether or not he’s a good person, it’s something hes slowly but surely trying to accept!19. Weapon of choice: eldritch blast babey!!!20. Role Model: i guess... urbec.. shes good and kind and has made unforgivable mistakes in the past but moved on from them and he loves his mom

for Ellar..

01. Full name: Eullatoria Valren Haltedsun! ellar or eulla for short..02. Best friend: nephi, verona, maybe vira, i guess! hes a friendly dude in general but tbh he doesnt really fully open up and have many close friends rn gfhgf,03. Sexuality: ellar Gay04. Favorite color: blue!05. Relationship status: single Unfortunately 06. Ideal mate: wouldnt you like to know07. Turn-ons: mutual love and respect08. Favorite food: Coffee.09. Crushes: hes probably had a few throughout the years, but nothing really notable tbh10. Favorite music: hes a lover of ALL MUSIC11. Biggest fear: losing important things.12. Biggest fantasy: to go back in time13. Bad habits: not COMMUNICATING14. Biggest regret: oh. you know.15. Best kept secrets: OH. YOU KNOW.16. Last thought: BASS BOOSTED H17. Worst romantic experience: he seems the type to embarrass himself irreparably during a date with someone, so probably somethin like that hgfhgf18. Biggest insecurity: that his work will never be enough, probably19. Weapon of choice: his arcane focus! a conducting baton.20. Role Model: his....mom

holly!

01. Full name: Hollyhock uhhh i cant remember his last name rn but it’s sure there02. Best friend: tula..03. Sexuality: Gay04. Favorite color: red!05. Relationship status: tragically single and pining like a moron06. Ideal mate: someone who’s kind and pretty and has a nice singing voice and is reliable and a trustworthy friend that will love and support him no matter what even when theyre going through stuff and tula it’s tula07. Turn-ons: l. love.08. Favorite food: blueberry muffins09. Crushes: you already know the answer here10. Favorite music: whatever this campaigns equivalent of my chemical romance would be.11. Biggest fear: water.12. Biggest fantasy: demolishing the person who made his life miserable and feeling at peace with things for once in his damn life13. Bad habits: being a dumbass reckless bitch14. Biggest regret: being a dumbass reckless bitch15. Best kept secrets: hes not really the secretive type tbh16. Last thought: i do not know hfghgf17. Worst romantic experience: oh well you know18. Biggest insecurity: his fuckton of scars that he has...he doesnt like em.19. Weapon of choice: Cool Sword20. Role Model: i dont know if he has one!

and huli! i answered a couple already:

02. Best friend:well. currently aussrey i guess HDSJDS,, aussrey Good03. Sexuality: oblivious moron04. Favorite color: yello..05. Relationship status: single because hes stupid06. Ideal mate: wouldnt you like to know07. Turn-ons: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Osp0ftiO-Ls08. Favorite food: corn and anything butterscotch flavored09. Crushes: who knows! not him11. Biggest fear: losing all his memories Again12. Biggest fantasy: having a solid normal life without any memory loss fuckshit!13. Bad habits: he likes. to Take. you know how it is14. Biggest regret: all the events that led up to him getting separated from his friends and losing his memories, whatever those may be.15. Best kept secrets: i dont think he really has any gfhgf hes not very secretive16. Last thought: fucka you BASARD17. Worst romantic experience: being an oblivious idiot with angel probably. rip angel.19. Weapon of choice: crossbow..20. Role Model: none atm i dont think..

for enya!

01. Full name: i dont have a last name i dont think gfhfg.. just good ol Enya rn!02. Best friend: Uhhhhh. i dont think she has one fghfgh,03. Sexuality: thats lesbian babes!04. Favorite color: red..05. Relationship status: Bad06. Ideal mate: someone who she feels at peace around..07. Turn-ons: oh you know08. Favorite food: ice cream..09. Crushes: h10. Favorite music: she’d listen to lorde and we all know it11. Biggest fear: accidentally destroying the good things around her..12. Biggest fantasy: not like. Exploding anymore would be nice. 13. Bad habits: bottling up her emotions, probably. the fact that she tends to burst into flames when she feels Strongly isnt really her fault but i guess it counts gfhgf14. Biggest regret: So Many Things15. Best kept secrets: i would say the fact that shes a sorcerer but she really doesnt hide it like at all DSJKGDHGS16. Last thought: H.17. Worst romantic experience: BOY HOWDY,18. Biggest insecurity: being emotive and expressive, probably. so she tries Not to be.19. Weapon of choice: Fire20. Role Model: Herself.

[apocalypto12related]

Do all of them!

1: is there a boy/girl in your life?

Ye! Sammy! @deziac

2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

Um... My family, probably, and no.

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Kitty! I love kitties!

4: what’s something you really want right now?

an apartment. on a less serious side, um, glasses???

5: are you afraid of falling in love?

Nope! I already have and since we’re poly im sure i will again owo

6: do you like the beach?

so/so. depends on my mood.

7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

um... a pull out sofa, does that count? i have a hard time sleeping unless i can fully lie down.

8: what’s the background on your cell?

my old phone was tony my new phone is space. not sure what it’ll be soon. >w>;; considering i need to redownload all the stuff i got off tumblr. :’( i lost all my snapchat stuff, but i moved all of izaya to my computer so that’s fine.

9: name the last four beds you were sat on?

what??? O_o; um... a homeless shelter’s bed and other than that they were all my own??? (not counting the “bed” made of sheets at the one place.)

10: do you like your phone?

i just got a new one!! uwu It has 32GB with it’s own internal storage and I have a 32GB sd card. nwn;; So I have a lot of space~! plus it has a fingerprint sensor and im in love with unlocking it like that owo

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned?

prolly not, but when do they?

12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

sammy! bc we both got new phhones!

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?

i heard poodles have bad temperaments!! idk about rottweilers!! whichever one is nicer??/

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

emotional!! physical heals!! short time span for pain! emotional might not go away!

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

DONt mmake me chosoelk??! i love both!!! i lovemy fluffy butts and i went to the met in new york!!! it was so cool!!! swords!! armor!! egypt!! aahhhh!!! i cant choose!!

16: are you tired?

im always tired!!!

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact?

um... well it’s sammy

so uh, ten years in march owo (technically december was the first time we met!! but we count it as march since that’s when he started talking rly)

18: are they a relative?

no!!

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

it depends on if they changed their personality!! if not then no!! i mean i did get back with sammy but yknow we just count that as a break since we did actually get back together lmao

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

this morning!! she is at work so she’s not too talkative rn!

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

we’re fine with what we’re at!! i don’t need to marry her to make it ‘official’!! we’ve lasted almost 9 years and through some big hardships!! both of us unmedicated and dealing with new medication changes, so i think we’re fine!!

22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

of course!! :P

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

two!! my blue sylveon bracelet (i love sylveon, i would wear umbreon but i think i packed it!!!) and my pride rainbow bracelet! i took them off when we were looking for a shelter bc i was scared we’d get denied if they saw obvious gay signs :(

24: is there a certain quote you live by?

not directly!! something along the lines of that there is no set path in life you have to choose which ways you want to twist and turn and they’ll lead you onto new and bigger things.

25: what’s on your mind?

music! stuff for my phone! i have a lot of stuff i need to add to eeet!! it’s only a day oolllddd.

26: do you have any tattoos?

yes! it’s for my kitty who passed away! Her name was luna. I’m sure i’ve posted a picture somewhere.

27: what is your favorite color?

#00C5FF

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

prolly tonight. owo

29: who are you texting?

Sammy owo

30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

probably?? lol what.

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

YES ACTUALLY D: idk if it happened any other time, but when we got into the car accident when I told our one friend we were joking about her coming up and hanging with us all my brain said was ‘You shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have done that.’ and again when we went out to the car and it was pretty heavy snow fall. I was like ‘I shouldn’t go.’ my problem with that one was I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t think ‘we shouldn’t go’. but... what can you do now?

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

um. i don’t think i have a super close opposite sex friend. closest would probably be @h0bsyrup

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I’m sure Sammy does. >w> I’m not sure otherwise. My followers don’t tell me that stuff.

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Yes omg. Sammy was staring me in the eyes the other day and was like ‘your eyes are pretty’ and i’m like ‘omfg shut up >//

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

if they’re not dating then she’s gonna punch their lights out, so i don’t have to worry.

36: were you single on valentines day?

November 24th, 2008 is when I started dating Sammy. You tell me.

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed?

... of course?? wtf is with these kiss questions.

38: what do your friends call you?

Kiki :D

39: has anyone upset you in the last week?

lil bit.

40: have you ever cried over a text?

Um... probably. I can’t remember.

41: where’s your last bruise located?

omg... um i guess undermy belly button is the latest bruise??? i have a lot atm from surgery and being motionless for four days!!

42: what is it from?

Sammy actually like harshly pushed on that area. like when you go to land somewhere with your full weight then you go ‘oh fuck’ yeah.

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

um... recently??? but i guess not as bad as with my mom.

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Sammy owo

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

Nah.

46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

No.my hair style is like 99% bun.

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style?

i dont follow trends i set them.

48: do you make supper for your family?

not recently but i would for sammy and i usually

49: does your bedroom have a door?

i don’t have a “bedroom” atm e.e

50: top 3 web-pages?

tambo.c0m (tumblr), archiveofourown.org (ao3), youtube.com (the three i use the most anyway)

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Sammy. xD at least food shopping.

52: does anything on your body hurt?

Abdomen. (:

53: are goodbyes hard for you?

it depends. if it’s unnecessary then prolly. if they’ve fucked me over idc. (i.e. my family trying to replace my mom’s abusiveness, fuck them.)

54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

prolly water owo

55: how is your hair?

it’s feeling fine, thank you for asking!

56: what do you usually do first in the morning?

it depends! if it’s my “morning” i wake up and usually bathroom.

57: do you think two people can last forever?

sure but it takes work. it’s not gonna be perfect 24/7 without communication or compromise.

58: think back to january 2007, were you single?

ye. omfg why would you give me nightmares. that’s when i started the rping side of myspce and met that douche wesley. his lying ass made me start self harming. fuck him.

59: green or purple grapes?

i don’t eat grapes .w.;;

60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?

sometime in the future! prolly sammy!

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

in an apartment. >w> or at the pompeii exhibit!!!

62: when will be the next time you text someone?

possibly today

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?

lying in bed. :D

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning.

struggling to be alive. (eating chocolate chip muffins)

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked?

oh god. w8 no. i didn’t like anyone yet. that started like october or shit. ugh my ex. he became an ass. (aside from sammy obvs)

66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

sammy!!

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?

um... i don’t think so. i think we were both too tired and stressed. we didn’t get into bed until like 1 and the shelter has us be out of beds by 8:30 x3x;

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

um... ‘i should go back to sleep’ after waking up a third time and distracting myself with the phone

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

yeah,but at least i tried.

70: how many windows are open on your computer?

it’s not *my* computer, so it doesn’t count! ;D (8 but im downloading music stfu)

71: how many fingers do you have?

i have 10. my one pinky counts as a half finger sometimes though. i broke it and bc i didnt have insurance i never went to a doctor to get it fully take care of so it healed up all wrong.

72: what is your ringtone?

default at the moment!

73: how old will you be in 5 months?

oh fuck i’ll be 24. man if you asked me that back in june i’d be like ‘still 23 (;’ but no. my bday is december

74: where is your mum right now?

She passed away. :/

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

I realize that as much as I wanted to believe it was love, it never fully blossomed into that until I was with Sammy. I don’t think I’ve truly ever gotten to love anyone else, but that’s okay.

76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

of course owo sammy and i are hella gay don’t u know.

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

i believe so owo we just don’t talk as much bc im a lazy sack of shit.

78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

fuck. i think i had a minor crush on some dude who also liked green day but never fuckin talked to me so i never bothered. that might’ve also technically been when i started liking wesley. does billie joe from green day count?

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?

personally? uh.... i’m not totally sure o-o; fuck me man.

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

probably wait yes. sammy. spooning is our fave position.

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months?

e.e no one that wasn’t a celebrity. 

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

no bc shelter e.e

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?

:P i talk to them everyday.

84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

i wouldn’t get drunk! i wouldn’t scream at ppl! that’s rude! ppl usually can’t even hear you when you yell at the window! we hear ‘whoosh’ with your voice in the middle’

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?

i would be concerned since she’s said she doesn’t like them!!

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

um... oh! a conversation started and a lil girl asked if we were in a certain theatre and I said ‘no we were in theatre blah’ so I asked what they went and saw. She said “Wonder Woman” “hey we just came out of that, too!” :P

87: who was your last received call from?

.3.; sammy

88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

i-i’m torn??? i needm oney but poor butter-san... ;____;

89: what is something you wish you had more of?

money. clothes maybe

90: have you ever trusted someone too much?

yeah. lmao.

91: do you sleep with your window open?

i usually do! esp in the winter/summer! need air and love cold!

92: do you get along with girls?

ye!

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

no. owo

94: does sex mean love?

no! sex is something that can bring someone closer, but it is not necessary for a relationship! 

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

>3>;;; again, no.

96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

owo; indirectly. i shared a drink with someone who had one. xD

97: did you sleep alone this week?

not this week! :D last week. ;~; at the hospital.

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

yes. >3>

99: do you believe in love at first sight?

no!!! that’s not love!! you might end up loving them but you can’t love someone unless you know them!! :c otherwise it’ll lead to some bad decisions!! D:

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise?

OwO Sammy I think.

[bronzeflower]

Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Also on ao3

-----

Chapter 6: A Message At Long Last

It had been days since you saw the cute guy, and you have basically given up any sort of hope that he would actually message you.

To be fair, it had only been one or two days, but still. Anyway, you still had stuff to work on, so there really wasn’t any use in moping about a cute guy you talked to for a grand total of four minutes and thirteen seconds.

Someone was pestering you, so you decided to answer, only to find that it was a handle you didn’t recognize.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: I CANNOT FUCKING *BELIEVE* THAT YOU ARE THE SAME FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT TEREZI GAVE ME THE CHUMHANDLE TO.

CG: I WASN’T GOING TO TROLL A DUMBASS LIKE THAT, SO I DIDN’T FOR WEEKS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A STUPID WASTE OF THE PRECIOUS AMOUNT OF TIME I HAVE LEFT. CG: AND YET, HERE I AM. CG: MESSAGING YOU. CG: BECAUSE I DECIDED THAT THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU WEREN’T A COMPLETELY AWFUL PERSON. CG: ALSO, IF YOU HAVEN’T FIGURED IT OUT YET, I’M THE GUY WHO WORKS AT ROSEMARY. CG: YOU KNOW, THE STORE YOU WENT TO GET A SUIT AT.

TG: holy shit you actually messaged me TG: this is the best goddamned day of my entire life TG: ive been blessed with your presence

CG: DAMN RIGHT YOU HAVE.

TG: you seem a lot more angry over text though

CG: IN CASE YOU FAILED TO NOTICE, I WAS AT WORK WHEN I MET YOU. CG: I WAS ACTING “PROFESSIONAL.” CG: PEOPLE DON’T USUALLY TAKE KINDLY TO OTHERS YELLING INSULTS AND CURSE WORDS INTO THEIR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS

TG: so are you always this angry when youre not at work

CG: YES.

TG: goddamn TG: also, you know tz???

CG: YEAH, SHE’S A CHILDHOOD FRIEND, AND SHE ALSO DEMANDED TO GIVE ME YOUR CHUMHANDLE DESPITE ME SAYING THAT I ABSOLUTELY DID *NOT* WANT IT. CG: BUT YOU GAVE ME YOUR CHUMHANDLE ANYWAY, SO IT’S NOT LIKE IT MATTERED.

TG: wait but why did she give you my chumhandle in the first place TG: did she just up and decide that we needed to be friends because she and me are friends and so are you and her

CG: NO. SHE GAVE IT TO ME BECAUSE I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NEW FUCKING MEMES GOING AROUND THAT ARE BASED ON A VIDEO YOU MADE. CG: I COULD MAYBE HANDLE THE VIDEO. CG: IT WAS KIND OF FUNNY, AND KANAYA SAID I SHOULD TRY LAUGHING AT MY PAST MISTAKES INSTEAD OF GETTING ANGRY AT THEM. CG: BUT THE MEMES. OH GOD THE MEMES. CG: THEY WERE THE MOST HORRIFIC THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, AND THAT’S PRETTY FUCKING DIFFICULT THING TO ACCOMPLISH, SO I GUESS I AM FORCED TO GIVE PROPS TO THAT. CG: BUT THAT DOES NOT NEGATE THE ESTABLISHED *FACT* THAT THEY ARE THE WORST THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY EXISTENCE. CG: THEY MAKE ME WANT TO STAB MY EYES OUT AND BE BLIND FOR THE REST OF MY WAKING LIFE. CG: I WON’T EVEN GET TEREZI TO TEACH ME HOW TO SEE BECAUSE THAT WOULD ENABLE ME TO BE ABLE TO TAKE A WHIFF OF THE SHIT PEOPLE PUT ON THE INTERNET. CG: I’LL JUST GO THROUGHOUT MY LIFE BEING PERFECTLY FUCKING CONTENT WITH BEING ABLE TO SEE JACK SHIT.

TG: are you the guy who sent me that ten page rant then TG: because that was fucking amazing TG: best goddamn thing i ever seen TG: highlight of the year

CG: IF THOSE GOD-FORSAKEN MEMES BECOME THE MEME OF THE YEAR, I WILL FIND SOME WAY TO MURDER YOU IN THE MOST SLOW AND PAINFUL WAY POSSIBLE.

TG: ouch TG: guess im going to have to resign myself to my death TG: because that meme is the best TG: it will live on for generations TG: it will never get old TG: we will be on the edge of death all wrinkled and dying of whatever old people die of TG: like a heart attack or something TG: and then i will turn to the nearest person and speak with my dying breath TG: “maybe one day my death will come so i never have to look at your god-forsaken channel ever again, you complete and utter douche muffin” TG: and then theyll start laughing because they love that fucking meme TG: memorized the entire goddamned thing TG: it will be taught in schools TG: kids will have to recite an excerpt of it to the class TG: analyze the shit out of it TG: where does all this guys anger come from TG: nobody knows TG: theyll just have to guess until theyre blue in the face

CG: THE WORDS. THEY DON’T STOP. CG: I’VE JUST BEEN OVER HERE POLITELY WAITING TO SEE IF YOU WOULD BURN YOURSELF OUT. CG: BUT APPARENTLY YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO GO ON FOR UNTIL AFTER THE UNIVERSE END UNLESS SOMEONE SHUTS YOU UP. CG: AND CLEARLY THE UNIVERSE HAS GRANTED ME THIS VERY IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T RUN YOUR MOUTH FOR ALL ETERNITY.

TG: clearly the greatest honor to ever be granted to someone TG: the privilege to tell the dave strider to shut his pothole

CG: SHUT YOUR POTHOLE.

TG: hahahaha TG: on a completely different note what even made you write a ten page rant about my channel anyways

CG: MOSTLY THE FACT THAT IT WAS A STUPID CHANNEL. CG: BUT ALSO THE FACT THAT IT WAS THREE AM, AND I HADN’T SLEPT FOR A WHILE.

TG: so what youre telling me is TG: you *actually* sent me a ten page rant when you were that sleep deprived TG: no wonder it was so incoherent

CG: I COULD PROBABLY HAVE WRITTEN IT BETTER IF I WASN’T SO TIRED. CG: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST GODDAMNED PIECE OF WRITING IN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE CG: NOTHING ELSE COULD EVER COMPETE TO THE MASTERPIECE I WOULD HAVE CREATED. CG: HOWEVER, INSTEAD, MY PAST SELF, AND BY THAT I MEAN *MYSELF*, WRITES A HEAPING PILE OF FESTERING SHIT.

TG: point taken TG: the question here is TG: will you ever write this masterpiece TG: will i ever get the pleasure of reading this glorious piece of hate mail directed towards yours truly

CG: NO.

TG: wow harsh TG: shut down immediately TG: didnt even get to go on a weirdly personal tangent TG: would have been fantastic TG: i have no conceivable idea of where it would have gone TG: but i can guarantee it would have been the second best thing in the universe TG: second only to the hypothetical rewrite of the glorious hate mail that you sent me

CG: AND IT WILL STAY HYPOTHETICAL FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. CG: I REFUSE TO EMBARRASS MYSELF LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN. CG: HOW DID I EVEN GET TO THE POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I AM MESSAGING YOU. CG: OH, WAIT. NOW I REMEMBER. CG: IT WAS BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T A COMPLETE ASSHOLE IN PERSON. CG: CLEARLY THAT DOES NOT TRANSFER OVER TO TEXT.

TG: im hurt karkat

CG: SUCK IT UP, DINGUS.

TG: dave actually TG: i dont know if i actually introduced myself to you

CG: I DON’T THINK YOU DID EITHER. CG: ALTHOUGH, I THINK YOUR SISTER INTRODUCED YOU, BUT IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I DIDN’T ACTUALLY CATCH YOUR NAME WHEN SHE SAID IT. CG: IT’S A MIRACLE YOU ACTUALLY REMEMBERED MY NAME.

TG: what can i say im good with names TG: and also multiple people said it in my presence so i guess there is also that

CG: I GUESS

TG: …

CG: …

TG: …

CG: …

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE BOTH OF US ARE OUT OF THINGS TO SAY FOR ONCE.

TG: huh TG: i suppose so TG: …

CG: I GUESS YOU COULD PESTER ME IF YOU EVER FIND SOMETHING TO RUN YOUR MOUTH ABOUT. CG: OR I’LL TROLL YOU ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER. CG: LATER THOUGH. CG: BYE.

TG: see ya

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You sigh, a bit sad that the conversation ended, and then you immediately decide to inform others of this happening.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: rose rose youll never guess what happened

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum! --

TG: i guess you will never guess what happened since you arent even hear to guess TG: what are you even doing TG: please dont tell me you went into your writing bunker TG: if you did i wont be able to talk to you for at least a week if not more TG: and no one else will be able to either TG: what if kanaya tries to message you TG: assuming you actually exchanged contact information TG: how long ago did you even do that TG: how could you not tell your own brother that you got a girls chumhandle TG: have you asked her out yet TG: it would be great if you were on a date instead of in the writing bunker TG: then people could actually contact you and you wouldnt be completely isolating yourself from the rest of the world other than brief trips outside to get food TG: anyway karkat messaged me and we had a conversation TG: i would tell you more about it but it seems you are an idle chum TG: pester me later if you want the details

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: tz youll never guess what just happened

GC: 1M GO1NG TO T4K3 4 W1LD GU3SS 4ND S4Y TH4T K4RK4T F1N4LLY GOT 4ROUND TO M3SS4G1NG YOU

TG: youd be correct TG: how did you know TG: i mean i know that he got my chumhandle from you but also he refused to message me for weeks

GC: 1 H4V3 4 C3RT41N T4L3NT FOR KNOW1NG TH3S3 SORTS OF TH1NGS GC: 4ND 4LSO K4RK4T 1S Y3LL1NG 4T M3 1N 4NOTH3R CH4T GC: 1 H4V3 OPT3D TO 1GNOR3 H1M FOR NOW GC: 4NYW4Y, WH4T D1D YOU TWO T4LK 4BOUT

TG: we talked about memes

CG: M3M3S?

TG: yes memes TG: specifically the memes that erupted after the rant video

GC: OF COURS3 GC: H3 W4S V3RY 4NGRY 4BOUT THOS3 GC: WH1CH R3M1NDS M3, WHY D1D H3 M3SS4G3 YOU 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 1F H3 W4S SO 4G41NST 1T B3FOR3?

TG: okay so remember the cute boy i was talking about like two days ago

GC: Y34H

TG: that was karkat

GC: … GC: … GC: …

TG: terezi?? TG: did i actually break you or do you just need a moment to process the information i just gave you TG: yo tz i need some confirmation that you did not just die from an overload of information TG: hit me up with your response TG: are you alive

GC: NO

TG: thank god youre not dead

GC: TH4TS WH4T TH3 GOV3RNM3NT W4NTS YOU TO TH1NK

TG: shit youre right TG: the government is doing all this nasty shit and now they are making it so we think we arent dead TG: how do we know the government isnt dead though

GC: SHHHHHH GC: TH3S3 4R3 TOP S3CR3T GOV3RNM3NT S3CR3TS YOUR3 SPR34D1NG 4BOUT GC: YOUV3 GOT TO B3 MOR3 D1SCR3T3

TG: discrete is my middle name

GC: NO, YOUR3 M1DDL3 N4M3 1S 3L1Z4B3TH

TG: shit you got me there

GC: 4ND YOU 4R3 4BOUT 4S D1SCR3T3 4S 4 TR41N CR4SH GC: YOU COULDNT BE D1SCR3T3 1F YOUR L1F3 D3P3ND3D ON 1T

TG: those are some harsh words

GC: 4R3 TH3Y WRONG?

TG: …

GC: 1 R3ST MY C4S3 GC: 4NYW4Y, W3 H4V3 GOTT3N 3NT1IR3LY OFF TR4CK FROM TH3 CONV3RS4T1ON 4T H4ND GC: R3G4RDL3SS OF HOW MUCH FUN W3 W3R3 H4V1NG W1TH TH1S S3CR3CY T4LK GC: WH4T 4BOUT K4RK4T M33T1NG YOU 1N R34L L1F3 CH4NG3D H1S M1ND 4BOUT M3SS4G1NG YOU?

TG: i honestly dont know for sure but he said something about me actually not seeming like a complete douchebag in real life

GC: M4K3S S3NS3 W1TH HOW FLUST3R3D 1 4M 4SSUM1NG YOU W3R3 GC: TH3 GUY W4S COMPL41N1NG HOW YOU W3R3 COMPL3T3LY MONOTON3 1N 4LL OF YOUR V1D3OS GC: 4ND TH3N H3 S33S YOU H4V3 4N 4CTU4L 3MOT1ON >:O GC: 3SP3C14LLY 4N 3MOT1ON WH3R3 YOU SHOW TH4T YOU L1K3 H1M GC: TH3 GUY 1S 4 SUCK3R FOR ROM3NC3 GC: NOV3LS 4ND MOV13S 4L1K3

TG: holy fuck TG: i cant believe i kind of flirted with a hopeless romantic

GC: 1 HOP3 YOU DONT TH1NK TH4T H3 W1LL D4T3 YOU JUST B3C4US3 OF TH4T

TG: of course not TG: im not some goddamned creeper TG: if he doesnt want to date me thats fine TG: it would be great to be friends with him at least TG: i had fun talking to him earlier

GC: D4V3

TG: what

GC: 1S TH4T 4N 3MOT1ON 1 SM3LL?

TG: oh my god tz we are not doing this for the hundredth time TG: we get it TG: i TG: the cool kid TG: has emotions like every other human being on the planet TG: its not such a surprise anymore

GC: YOU H4V3 4N 3N1R3 GRUBTUB3 CH4NN3L D3D1C4T3D TO R3V13W1NG TH1NGS 1N TH3 MOST 3MOT1ONL3SS W4Y POSS1BL3

TG: … TG: ok thats fair

GC: BUT 1M W4RN1NG YOU NOW 4BOUT K4RK4TS LOV3 OF ROMCOMS GC: H3 W1LL T4LK 4T L3NGTH 4BOUT TH3M 4ND TH3R3 1S ABSOLUT3LY NOTH1NG YOU C4N DO TO PR3V3NT TH4T FROM H4PP3N1NG GC: SO YOU M1GHT 4S W3LL G1V3 UP HOP3 NOW

TG: god damn TG: and here i was TG: woefully unprepared for the potential onslaught of romcoms TG: and then you come along TG: with all your future knowledge and shit like a some kind of seer or something TG: and allowed me to arm myself with the knowledge that karkat really fucking loves romcoms TG: thank you for you have done a great deed

GC: JUST W41T UNT1L H3 FORC3S YOU TO W4TCH TH3M

TG: is that a thing he does TG: aggressively shoves romcoms into his friends faces TG: how are yall still sane

GC: 4T SOM3 PO1NT YOU L34RN TO 4CC3PT YOUR F4T3 B3C4US3 1T 1S E4S13R 1N TH3 LONG RUN GC: 4ND T4K3S UP L3SS T1M3 GC: YOU C4N 4LSO JUST F4LL 4SL33P DUR1NG TH3 MOV13 GC: K4RK4T W1LL B3 TOO 1NTO TH3 MOV13 TO 4CTU4LLY C4R3

TG: good to know TG: i thank you for the sheer amount of wisdom you hold

GC: YOUR3 W3LCOM3 GC: OH 1 H4V3 TO GO NOW GC: 1 H4V3 4 D4T3 GC: >;]

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: wait hold on who are you going on a date with TG: shit TG: youre already gone TG: ill weasel the truth out of you sooner or later TG: or i guess youll just tell me TG: same difference really TG: or maybe not TG: whatever TG: case still stands that i will find out who you are going on a date with TG: i want details TG: except maybe not really TG: i would rather a brief overview of the date if that is possible TG: please dont go into weird tangents about how much you licked them TG: because that would be awkward and weird TG: anyway TG: later

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

You decide to take the remainder of the day to work on some more videos. After all, you know Terezi will probably tell you who she went on a date with sooner or later, and Karkat said he might message you in the future. You can't help but smile at that. He was fun to talk to, so it would be nice to hear from him again.

[calvinlepesh]

yes here you go

  Workcrew immediately for incompletion of the run is common for new kids and previous strugglers. Workcrew is named so because it makes u do nothing because u cant do something so instead of WORKing on something because u suck at that you literally work doing nothing. You have to work to keep yourself entertained. Work to keep yourself from going insane looking at that orange peel textured wall. Yikes. work to not fucking freeze too jesus fucking christ fuck whoever controlled the thermostat. just saying. Sure they didnt know or didnt care but fuck them for that. anyway. After the run you come inside go back to ur room if ur not on workcrew you chill for a few minutes while the chef is done cooking for the entire facility. Obvisouly being on wprl crew You dont eat whatever everyone else eats they work they get reward u no work no reward. oats and water and those fucking goddamn apples. fuck They're probably eating some kickass breakfest burrito or A nice blue berry muffin with yogurt. actually I know and still know the food schedule for breakfest and lunch for everyday of the week. It hardly change and very slightly if ever. So i knew what I could've been eating worst part about it is they eat literally inches from you. Your back facing them listening to them eat and salvate smelling all the condiments and fresh bacon. Waiting patiently for all the other students to finish their meals and wash their dishwear and go to their rooms only after do they. Give you your W/C meal. Oats and water fuck me. The worst part about it was after awhile I got so skinny that parker had me start eating a bowl of oatmeal with every meal this is when i was doing decently well but still being full of shit just not as much. But the worst part was I got 2 bowls of it while all other w/c got 1 And i started to even like it. Almost as if my taste buds had adapted over awhile to enjoy the oats. fuck those apples tho sometimes they were a 3 out of 10. best compliment I can give there sorry not sorry. anyway eat ur meal. its time for group. Group is when the entire facility all families and w/c and parker the director sit down commonly in a circle with parker in a chair and the students on the floor but before I left They had been consistently all in the life timechairs except parker who stood at the front of the main room with the students in a movie theatur like fashion without the leveled tiers obviously. but in order of w/c to family 1-5 so work crew being at the very front right feet from parker. During group we would review issues regarding anything and i mean anything wrong with the facility or the students and staff inside of it. It is encouraged and heavily peer supported to tell on each other and to work on themselves and not let anybody even other students or roomates get in your way. WORK ON YOURSELF by Sourrounding yourself with people on the same mission as you and who do the things to suggest they are going to continue to stay on that mission was a huge message that was pushed in a variety of ways at liahona. through team building exercises, group discussion and definitely confrontation. It is common for students to lash out when they're new. Probably cause they're from California and think these motherfuckers cant do shit to me im a minor. Think again, welcome to Southern buttfuck nowhere Literally sand mountains mars-looking Hurricane Utah. Body slam ur bitchass for acing outta line. Talking back blatent disrespect and obviously anything suggesting possilbe physical or verbal outbreak resulted in a restaint. Most staff would warn u like chill out orim gonna put u on the ground. And you'd get in trouble just for that. Sometimes even a little more secretly I think for not following through. but maybe not considering its a change in behavior. im sure it could be situational. Regardless. back to the story. group typically lasted an hour or so sometimes would watch a documentary afterwards sometimes even a movie however those became quite rare as the students or cycle in. Called generations of students. I was the last of my generation for a good amount of time towards the end of my stay at liahona. Depressing very much so. Watching people who go there a year after u graduate before you. U began to believe those insecurities more and more. and if you have struggle throughout your life with putting negative energy in the universe in the form of speech by conversion of energy to your body which is apart of the universe. i know alittle hard to follow but bear with me and try your best. After group you'd either get on or off of work crew based on how well u did at nothing and the little something u do such as workouts the morning run how u address staff members how even how frequent you use the bathroom to see if ur trying to get up. What was cool at Liahona was doing what you were told. being obiedient at all times immediately and when you do fuck up take the mistake and turn it into success instead of letting it slow you down as a failure. With such a poor mindset at Liahona especially towards the middle of my stay. I stayed at level 1 for 16 months. Probably a record not really a bragging thing tho. The point is I sucked at being a normal ass human. Full of attitude and was disobiedent with little to no respect given off the bat to any adult. Like I was the shit... When you're the shit you don't have the same problems that people who arent the shit have correct. So tying all the way back to the hospital metaphor with my secret broken leg. Honestly was probably secret to me as receiving the injuries throughout critical young developmental stages. I had alot of problems being honest because I was the shit and the shit wasnt supposed to be doing all this disgusting and sad. self demeaning outragous nasty stuff. thats all im gonna say. currently. im not ready to open up about my full past for i feel currently it lays at rest where it belongs until decieded otherwise by me. Now.. where were me. I was the shit. after coming out with stuff half assed in anattempt to still look kinda like the shit. they caught me on my bullshit and I spilled the beans. No longer was I the shit. I was shit. They broke me down emotionally. Making me write my story over and over again my entire life all the things I had ever done wrong. Each time I either came out with something new or changed something becasue everything I told my therapist was true but skewed and I lost track of my story. I had fucked myself and they gave me the rope to do it because they wanted me to earn my coniquences no have them given to me based on a hunch. I fucked myself. and unfortunately it was just he beginning for my emotional workouts. For the next two years. I trecked on. Fast forward july 2016 Im level 4 shadowing a new student with a level 3. us three since we are shadowing can talk in the room about rules only and how to teach them. while having our responsibilities with the quote aswell. at this point I could memorize anything. Memorized some crazy shit honestly wish that the content of the quote was more useful in a sense of remembering important things. or things that are commonly remembered by some idk. the point is we were aloud to talk about rules only. this didnt stay over time after me doing well getting to level fucking 4 this was huge for me and I had gotten comfortable and complacent in my position halting any further actions towards bettering myself everyday. exactly what they don't want you to do. We ended up flying our shadow solo which means hes a level one and we cant talk to him anymore and its cbo. basically hes in the big leagues now. But the level 3 and the other roommate who wasnt aloud to talk but was in the room while we shadowed the new student literally everyday for a month or two. And we all started breaking CBO together. basically we literally talked. about any and everything. Eventually getting comfortable doing that after a week or so couldnt have been too much longer than a week or two before guess who our same shadowed new student turns us in... Just like we had taught him to do. He was rewarded heavily. This was 1 july 2016. the 4th was parkers fav holiday does a shit ton of fun shit for everybody and everybody can talk water balloon fights watermelon eating contest hot dogs play basketball freely. fucking board games bro straight up. I had been at Liahona at this time for 2 about to be 3 Fourth of julys at Liahona and they just got better and better problem was I spent all 3 on work crew. top that off I spent all of July and into August on workcrew. It started off as suicide watch run risk and do nothing. literally as worse at it got. You can use the bathroom and sit in this chair. and you can sleep on this mattress with the fans and AC on with no blankets or pillows. So It stayed like that for  a week. Miserable completely miserable. I had finally started doing well got to level fucking four and im on work crew do nothing sui watch run risk and Ive been here for two years sleeping in the commons with no blanket or pillows shivering. Ill still never forget that day parker said I could choose to have a blanket or a pillow. FUCK U THINK? blanket. ez. I was literally giggling with joy that night under its warmth. That whole month slowly and slowly got increasingly easier on work crew and I didnt know why I was even still on It'd been a fucking month this was august 1st. The next day august 2nd 2016 Parker comes in and tells me im finally leaving. This was a really big day for me and brings to me currently some very strong emotions of relief and regret. For I hadn't completely wasted my time at Liahona but then again I typically in the past back then never completed anything. And honestly that is one of my bullshit things that I say to myself. and still have some belief in for good reason to gain perspective from it. Because unfortunately there are things in this world that are bad but also true. Thats just the way things work. There is good in bad and bad in good always. It may be hard to find or the pros out weigh the cons or vice versa. I see the bad, me not taking very good advantage at all of what Liahona had to offer for me at all times. However still gaining from it which is good aswell of course. But the bad being I did waste alot of my time. Now am I completely to blame for the duration of my time there. Yes because I made the decisions that led to me having to be there longer. honestly cause I needed to be there longer. Maybe a slight tiny bit of blame on my father for neglect to anextent of course when it came to life rules and making sure I know and remember them. But at the end of the day I kept myself on the wall and I have taken responsibility and if I havent i will now. I fucked up at liahona and I caused myself to be there for aslong as I was obviously not intentionally but for some reason. Cause I hated myself and nobody felt bad for me. I nolonger desire that attention. Because I know that If that attention is given to me in the quantity desired and by the form of attention inwhich idesired. Would inturn keep me immature as im hiding and nesting away from my feelings rather than pour them out and release the hate and sadness because its no good. it does no good besides grant perspective both to yourself and others. I never brag about giving to the homeless. Truly the reason I bring it up is because I may not have been homeless for very long or hadn't been homeless without atleast a couch or a garage to sleep in. But after enduring just that water down verison of being homeless. I know they need that damn money more than I do. Im not going to be unreasonable and give him everything I have on my card. but typically I give them at the minimum a cig if they want one and a conversation just cause people need to talk to people. whether they're drunk or not sad or happy talking turns our feelings into reality based on what you desire long term and short term almost combined in a way. You can switch up long term desires such as careers and lifestyles however it is not recommended. However also if you are still in a somewhat content mindset settling for like85 percent full on ur content scale. And this is what you need a little change up. Then by all means switch but keep the short term desires because those need to work first. Before you even decide what you want from life and ur existance ask yourself am I happy? If you are not atleast somewhat content with who you are an individual currently. You need to follow what I told you earlier. You need to dig deep in your heart and soul and mind. Focus on the center of your chest. thats where i feel my soul communicate to me. And i search it with my mind sending inquizitive thoughts to it for its response. Your body is a rosetta stone in a way for literal human communication (speech) and the vibrations of the universe. And vice versa. your body picks up things from the universe and world that it tells u. Maybe gut feelings? Hunches? A strong feeling for no reason??? EVERYTHING HAS A REASON. And if it isn't this than prove it to me. It proves itself and you can try it for yourself. Find contentment in your preplanned manifestation that we call "The Universe" by recognizing both your current insignificance in the real world possibly currently or maybe never; never in your mind atleast. But also your significance in how much control you have just because of what fucking species you are and all the things you can learn. Know you have significance because this is your world and you already chose how your life is going to end. What will last for you what won't. Because somebody (you u idiot) set it up to happen that way. Say you think im full of shit and just crazy. Let me ask you.... Lets just say for shits and giggles then, that you are God/ superior being so to speak. And you created everything we have ever known. Planets, plants, rocks .people communication, every conversation. EVERY FUCKING EVERYTHING WAS MADE BY YOU. so with that in mind given that and the vast amount of knowledge that comes with some power.literally unimaginable because we cant EVEN FUCKING COMPREHEND it.  ie You as God know that all good must have evil. So you realize large world thats actually rather small in comparison to alot of other fucking planets. Maybe it makes some people feel inferior maybe it turns people towards hate. But you decieded we're going to make a little safe haven whenthis random motherfucker wants to see if the world is flat. Killed all the indians. negative. USA positive. Rev war possibly hardcore karma for killing indians unlikely but it always is anyways. we win rev war Now we are free. Put Lepesh in free nation in 1999. He reconizes the power of the mind body and soul combined in the trinity. And wants to spread the message that you too can be happy. the suffering can end. Ive been diagonosed with depression add adhd odd ocd ptsd abcd u fucking name it. And they made a killing off of my parents. Granted I was a very problematic child so they started taking me in at a young age. over time with people telling me whats wrong with me. Yeah ima tell them to fuck off cause Im living the life i want to live. I may not know the consiquences are for me choosing to live like such. But I will and When I do I will weild that power given to me in knowledge and spread to you my wisdom. Speech isnt the only way to manifest things into your reality. Any human contact that can be described by and spoken with our apparently primitive words of any language. YOU MUST MEAN HOW YOU FEEL  Currently this is my world and universe because I value very few things about myself in the grand scheme of everything. Given that wouldn't I want the one thing I value a great deal to succeed and fulfill his dreams and have a goodass life? So thats what this mindset program will do. Others will use it becuase their kids are driving them up the walls and they just can't do it anymore. They're about to throw in the towel and don't know what to do anymore. Maybe its for somebody looking for love and they need to realize that u literally must love urself first. You cannot give what you donot already have. Unless you promiss to give which is an entire other problem in itself given that you can never give the love you want to give because you must find it for yourself by dedicating large amounts of time to yourself over time which you cannot do if ur constantly giving your feeling of infatuation and potential 'promise love' IE I promise you one day Ill love you but right now I cant cause I dont love myself. But I promise I will love myself but u wont. U simply wont. Until you learn your worth which by the fucking way bro. straight the fukc up listen. By the way. you decide your worth. The way you decide to change your worth is by finding the opposing core belief about urself the angelic side the white fluffy this is who I truly am side. The I wanna die fuck everything not even worth it this world isnt worth bringing anybody into is bullshit. However nesscessary for a short period for perspective and experiential sake. Bullshit. You manifested bullshit told to you over time in different ways. almost like taking pieces of gum out from underneath tables accorss every resturant you go through for example ur entire life. making a big ball of gross bullshit told to you in the forms of verbal abuse sexual physical. just bullshit. Best thing about bullshit is that it is always bad. The only good in the bad of bullshit is that it give great perspective and it helps this rant lol. Anyways, Realize that angelic force you hold and listen to your mind and heart tell you what you already know. and put it into action by reminding yourself about it as much as possible until its all you really think about. You'll notice key changes in yourself. Keep in mind these some of these effects happened immediately some over time some after forgetting my worth some during forgetting my worth.For myself after finding myself again focusing on the bullshit that isnt true. Radical difference in hesitation to speak to people. and to even what im going to speak. I used to care about everything and project that I care about nothing. It was fucking stupid sad and pretty pathetic actually. very sad now that I think about it. Pretending almost in a way. Sag my pants wear dark and almost shady clothing. ears pierced, quit sports, smoke weed, everything to say I don't give a fuck about anything at all ever and never will. I did it and said it. Of course with periods of absolute disbelief and saddness for I knew the whole time I was living a bullshit fabricated lie that directly stemmed from my self esteem issues and uncertainty in myself and the universe. Im very grateful for my current state of being however unsober. very very helpful and a clear message from myself that I believe I know what I need to do. Or what I want to do. But how? Im not worried about why because Its impossible and highly unlikely that the reason presents itself so early. And so it has before but many a few times and such a long time inbetween instances its almost radical to gamble on such things. Might aswell waste my time doing jack shit sitting on the fucking wall for no reason. Im going to end this in the same fashion I started it to an extent. Unexpected and unrehearsed and will summarize in steps how use this Mindset Program I designed to help those capable enough to over come depression and treat general unhappiness with the combined power of your heart mind and soul. Idk but i wasnt specifically planning on making a book for financial gain although it was a large contributing factor. and I as I sit here and think about what I typed it doesn't matter. Because regardless of what happens I wanted it to so it will in the exact way I want it to effect me. if at all idk if i will lol. Crazy man lifes a trip. I need money and i dont deserve it but I can say confidently currently right this moment I would spend my money according to what I desire in the long term. And it would help me start that journey so I may learn more. and continue to better myself as an individual everyday. or  at the very least do something that shows im a good person. In this world you have to keep your guard up not always but typically a great majority of the time. Given that, it's not hard to see why nobody trusts anybody on anything anymore. For a long time and still to this day a vast majority of humans have and will continue to act good but do bad consistently. They have simply been worshiping there bullshit thoughts. The best thing you can do for such a person who has potentially lost all hope. Or is on that path or near the end of it. Let that person know you love them. Only do so if you mean what you say tho. If you mean the words and they are looking at you when you say it. They will straight the fuck up feel your love. Might not be a fucking serotonin shot but its a little love that they will feel and remind them. Its never too late to change your mindset and find empathy for yourself and the world. Here are the current Finalized step by step instructions on how to use my newly developed highly successful Mindset Program. Guarenteeed to bring about contentment and feelings of joy to those who complete and follow these steps completely... 1.)FIRST OFF DO NOT READ THIS SHIT IF YOU AREN'T OPEN-MINDED OR YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN IT AGAIN, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF ATLEAST SOMEWHAT UNDERCONTROL.2.)EMPATHY Either Already have or Develop a very hardcore understanding and knowledge of empathy by having gratitude through perspective that you must gain. Gaining perspective can happen in a number of ways. The misfortunate are a great way to lead you to happiness. By giving away your money need it or not. who needs it more. and what are they spending it on. If you were homeless outside in january wouldnt you want to be drunk? you were gonna buy a steak and lobster dinner that night anyway even if you didnt have the 10$ cash you gave to Michael by the dumpster. That inturn puts you indebt in a way to the universe. Almost saying this guy will get something good from this at some point in his life. Could be your friend buying your next meal or an invitation to a crazy party. who knows and who knows when its going to happen. we don't the beauty of it is that you know its coming in some shape or form. infact it might have already paid its debt by making you feel better when you did it???? Put yourself in less fortunate peoples shoes. Take acid as much as you can within reason obviously you don't wanna end up fried as fuck. But definitely trip balls man go learn about yourself and the world. Acid is a key to more knowledge. You swim in it but its like trying to bring water (the knowledge) with you when you get out of the pool. You can never even get close to obtaining all of that knowledge. I just needed enough to know that my life isn't completely fucking worthless cause I truly can control my life and you can control yours. Is so empowering to see it happen first hand. To see success finally coming and showing itself after all this time. The worst part is I knew all of this shit long ago. I was told this stuff in Liahona and They knew we didn't fully get it yet. Now I get it. Finally. wtf. I can control my own life.3.)SEARCH YOUR SOUL WITH YOUR MIND. Literally ask yourself questions like a literal one sided conversation. Ask yourself. What do I desire in my life most? For me? Wife car house maybe a farm cat dog fucking dont care whatever she wants the house to look like. two cars actually. I want a boat. and a stable well paying job and some kickass kids. When do I want it to happen. I decided that before I was here. Because I was apart of the aliens maybe idk lol just a thought. Maybe they let me choose they were like yo man this is where ur coming into this planet. they're dumb but think they're really smart and theres lots of chaos they're pretty bad animals i know its a bad gig to send you into but if you like what you can make happen go for it. I wouldn't come into this world unless I knew that things would work out for me at some point. and idk if today is the day but ive realized again what I had already realized but soon forgotten about over a month after. Either from complacentcey or just down right bad memory. Either way I forgot the path and Now I am back.4.)YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE GOOD IN THE BAD AND THE BAD IN THE GOOD For example, for me my bads are so seldom compared to what some people across the universe go through on a daily basis. I have it so good already. Now compared to the rest of my country.. yeah Im not doing very well financially or on some of the selfs. I have the mental capcity and emotional knowledge and strength currently developed from years of deep depression and sadness. Drug abuse and wanting to be numb. Wanting to die or hurt myself. Here I am reconizing the bad in my life the symptoms of listening and believing other peoples bullshit. Reconizing that the bullshit isnt true and was never true. sometimes reconizing a genreal date that you remember yourself starting to believe what people bullshit to you about yourself. Maybe you remember how you felt about yourself before someone called you fat or ugly or hurt u in some way. Remember previous relationships that have cut u deep over time and may even hurt a bit to think about. Remember the fighting and bullshit. But most importantly remember the good times. Ive caught myself many times forgetting the numerous good times had with previous loved ones in almost a desperate attempt to save yourself. Its a protection tactic that completely stops any and all emotional grow. The only way you get stronger is if you do the work. Just like at the gym the only way you get a ripped ass chest or a 6 pack is by doing the fucking work and lifting it. There is no short cut that is worthwhile longterm. Roids give you boobs and shrink ur balls now ur shot on the kids Idea cause u tried to take a shortcut. Same with emotions. using heroin was a big thing for me for awhile i was at a point where I knew it was stopping me from growing emotionally. Because it doesn't allow you to feel anything. you feel numb you don t care. when I took heroin I felt like I really was who I said I was. I overdosed a few months ago and died onheroin. started using again a couple days later. I stopping in November and id be lying if I said it wasnt brutal. so sure I tried to numb the pain with other things. Alcohol is a big one coke, meth, lots and lots of weed, anything that would or could alter my mind besides heroin is what Ive been doing.  Now none of these things are beneficial in the long term except for weed and acid maybe coke if the universe allows it. The opportunity that you desire would not present itself to you without you first creating the desire. I have a desire for drugs. So I have drugs. But Im at the very least smart enough to realize that heroin is if not a complete block of emotions pretty damn fucking close to it. which allows for significantly less emotion growth through the actual feeling of your feelings and emotions. Another big thing that can help is talking about what you discovered about yourself all the bullshit you believed and the statements you have in place to replace them. My previous statement for example Im a fucking loser thats never going to amount to shit. My angelic statement, I've made many mistake and failures in my life at a young age that I wouldn't trade for the world for they have development me into me. You've made it this far havent you?5.) USE YOUR TRINITY TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE STARTING BY FINDING WHAT WORKS FOR YOU TO HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER. Basically this means find a way to take your new angelic statement created from the good inside the bad and either associate that statement to whatever you see best fit. For example. I have an alarm in the morning that reads! Choose to be happy! with some other notes aswell. And I read that I think to myself. Its a choice. I can use my mind to change my reality over time based on how I feel. I DONT HAVE TO BE SAD ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE THE DESIRES IN MY LIFE THAT PULL ME TOWARDS THEM THROUGH MY DECISIONS AND ACTIONS CURRENTLY.