#i finally got my referral but the person they referred me to had Really Shitty Reviews i come to find out

[miodiodavinci]

the sheer and utter agony of waiting for a call back for medical things , , , , ,

[mytwitteralt]

documenting the journey

so what’s happened in the past month (i always try to meditate but i never want to stop listening to shit and i can write and listen to shit so writing = meditating, kinda!)

I met with a therapist at the end of january who was recommended as “one of the better wpath therapists” b/c the best i already know personally so that’s an ethical conflict for us all and the other best had a longer wait time so i went with this lady.

turns out she blows, but in a real passive way. like she said she “abhorred the gatekeeping of the system” but wanted to see me for 3 sessions, ask a bunch of shit that wasn’t necessary to the letter, blah blah blah. i didn’t think too much about it in session, but afterwards the longer i thought about it the more upset i got. ended up crying to my wife when she got home and i vented about what had happened.

emailed the therapist the next week to ask if we could just be done, if she had enough for the letter and she said she did, if i would fill out this form so she could reference some things while writing the letter. lots of shitty, invasive, non-required questions but i filled it out and sent it to her. i told her i wanted to condense our meetings to save time and money but ultimately it’s taking as long as if i just had 3 sessions. am saving $200 though, which is good.

my online trans fam was super supportive about it all which was really nice and validating. the therapist also alluded to having a doctor she works with seeing her trans clients to get them top surgery and hormones faster but in the email exchange we had about our next meeting, she played like she didn’t say anything about that? so i reiterated and she said she thought it’d be best for me to see my gp? my kneejerk is that it’s weird and passive aggressive, but idk.

i could probably reach out to my gp now to at least get an appointment ready for when i do have the letter, to get a hormone prescription and referral to a specialist for my final top surgery letter, buuuuut putting it off. hate talking to doctors. also we did have a family doctor assigned to us, but we just got a letter that effective immediately he’s no longer working at that practice? and we got assigned a new woman? sooooo...i mean the guy wasn’t like, super trans friendly (from what i could observe) but he seemed like he was accepting/supportive. now we have a whole new wildcard w/ this lady.

my partner suggested the whole time that i get on the wait list of the local pride health clinic just in case my assigned gp isn’t comfortable/down with prescribing hormones or being trans friendly, b/c the wait times there are bad so i was like “nah, i’ll just work w/ my gp” buuuuut now im like “shit that was a good idea, and im silly for not just doing that just in case.” we’ll fuckin see.

i’m going to the final therapy appointment next week, will get the combined letter for hormones and top surgery. then can get hormones prescribed from a doctor assuming i can find one to do it. then i need a g.p. to write a note to provide to provincial healthcare that they’ll take care of me before and after top surgery, and a referral from gp to a specialist, then a specialist to write a letter saying i should get top surgery.

i felt really confident about not starting hrt ‘til top surgery but now at the thought of top surgery taking that long...i think im just gonna start it. just fuckin fuck it. maybe i’ll try a binder too, i don’t fuckin care. let’s just get this all fuckin STARTED. if i feel like things aren’t going a direction i want, i can just stop it.

i think that’s everything! or that’s everything right now! i got super depressed last week and did jack shit and like, stopped showering, but i took a day off and just let myself relax and watched a bunch of ty tuner videos and while that’s kind of bad b/c i’ll never be that fit, but also he’s a pretty motivated dude so ... that helped a little bit, tbh. hence my last post, to just put a daily to-do list that i know, even when i feel depressed, these are working to making a positive medical transition experience. gonna write it on my whiteboard tonight, did all of ‘em today :triumph emoji:

i’d also like to create videos, since i never see fat, 30+ ftm transitions on youtube. also i do want a history so i can feel good about my progress. anyway i think i will, maybe unlisted vids. or private. but wont start ‘til before hrt starts, i think.

k that’s it!