#i forgot to post the rest of my countdown oops

[saintjosie]

#2 a reminder to trans femmes

[j0kers-light]

👁️👁️ joker x yn who gets exposed for having connections with Batman

Please

Hey hi anon! 🖤✨

I HEARD YOUR CRY! Now you didn’t specify what kind of connection sooo I took liberty of making up one on the fly. I can’t in good conscience say this is canon within His Lighthouse lol. Joker would lose the last shred of his sanity if it were. Enjoy!!

Edit: If you wish to read the full oneshot bearing the same name, here's the link!

This was not how you wanted Joker to be angry with you. You expected him to be upset about your limited edition box set not coming out until the fall or about you hogging all the cover at night.

Not about your extremely old photo-op with the one and only Batman circulating the web again

It literally was a long story and definitely a lot more tamer than what Joker was making it out to be

So what if you had an old selfie with Gotham City’s Dark Knight floating around the web? So what if the caped crusader was rather handsy with his hand resting wayy too low on your back or that you were licking the cowl and the caption was quite suggestive? #Leathertastesfunny but #Ihadworse Okay so maybe it was bad. 👀

Joker stumbled across the old pic when a fan reblogged it with a comment. “Wait, does this mean Y/n is smashing Batman?” Then he scrolled and saw the most recent pic that you totally forgot about taking months ago!!

Who knew Batman was so dirty? You were walking back from an outing and almost got into a nasty situation if not for Batman swooping in to save the day

He flirted with you after saving the damsel in distress again; “the leather shouldn’t taste funny anymore”, he mentioned and you laughed and called his bluff (5/10 not bad)

You offered to take another selfie to commemorate the heroic moment. You were not expecting Batman to back you in the wall and grind his hips into yours. Your thumb slipped and oops…

#Themaskstayson okay so yeah um.. the selfie got quite the buzz. Batman was all but f__king you in the alleyway or at least that’s what the photo suggested. Your airy smile peaking over Batman’s shoulder with your legs wrapped around his slutty little waist all but confirmed it. Yeah it looked bad

And naturally Joker. Flipped. His. Ish.

“J-J… it happened way before you and I even met!”

Why did you say that? Like that small fact made things any better.

You saw Joker’s eye twitch. The date was right there on the post. It was two days before you and him met in Chinatown but STILL it was too close in Joker’s mind. You were his.

He saw nothing but red. You hooked up with THE Batman, his mortal enemy? Was it just a one (twice) time thing or prolonged occurrences?

HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON?

“Did ya f__k him?” Joker growled.

You played with your fingers and looked away. Silence was worse than answering but J had to know.

“I won’T repeat myself, Y/n. Yes or no.”

Cue your stuttering.

“I uhh, well I mean yes but no? It wasn’t a p-in-v if that’s what you’re asking but I did consider it! I have a mask kink okay?! I was curious! I-I mean.. have you seen the man?” You winced when Joker growled.

Alright, not the best confession to say to your psychotic possessive lover, especially since Joker and Batman were bitter rivals.

It was like the ultimate betrayal in J’s eyes. You considered having sex with Batman. Can’t take that back. You started to slowly back away.

“If I were you, I’d run too bunny. Cuz when I catch ya… mmhhm. When I get my handsss on you. I’m gonna ruin you.” Joker was shaking with rage. “One.”

You squeaked in fear and bolted from the room. You tried turning the corner but your momentum made you crash into the wall.

“Two…” You panicked hearing the countdown continue and scrambled to your feet. You made it down the hallway right as Joker said, “Three.”

He casually stood to his feet and stalked your tracks straight into the bedroom.

You thought locking the door was gonna save you? How cute. He broke it open and came to a stop right in front of the closet door. He could smell fear on you and a tinge of arousal. Gods above, he loved you.

“Now I wonder…. where oh where could my little slut be?” He sang out knowing you were in shambles inside.

You were sending a quick prayer upward right as Joker ripped the doors off the hinges and dragged you out by your ankle. Your screams were music to his ears.

[marithlizard]

First impressions of RWBY v8 finale, “The Final Word”

Finale time!  uh.   That is NOT a content warning I was expecting.

A suicide prevention hotline message?   When I said Qrow might jump, I wasn't *serious*. Mostly.  Damn it,  there isn't a single character  I want to die that way, villain or no.   This is upsetting and I haven't even started watching yet.

GDI Rooster Teeth you better not have had that kind of end in mind for Qrow all along.  I imagine everyone else saying something similar about their favorites.  (My tentative guesses right now are Cinder or Harriet, but there are so many plausible awful possibilities.)

Dissolving whale, looking like the biggest murmuration of birds ever.  So we're skipping back in time a bit.  Something flickers in the ashes.  Salem starting to reform? I can't tell.

GO WINTER don't you dare die here  either.  Ironwood's actually pleading his case with her,  as he hasn't deigned to with anyone else.  It's not a convincing argument, but he cares what she thinks of him enough to try.

Penny looking like a brilliant dragonfly, darting around with her swords like wings.

Just how far can that Grimm arm extend?

Jaune my boy! You remembered mission priority!  You've grown so much since the fall of Beacon, when you forgot all about calling Glynda for help in favor of melodramatically smashing your phone.   This is a horrible situation, but you've got a job to do and you know what it is.  

...Maybe you should just stop trying to sound like Mignogna, Liebrecht.   Right now you just sound like you've got a painful sore throat.  

Harriet finally looks unsure of herself.

One last flicker of luck...was it real? I dunno. But Qrow certainly believes it.

Watts, what did you just do?  I thought the bomb was already on a countdown.  Did you stop it, or start one?  And am I going to be right about where you want it to go off?

Ruby vs Neo round two!  They've both improved a lot.  Interfering with her umbrella is still a good tactic, though.

And YEET she goes through the portal to Vacuo!  One threat deferred to next season. (I highly doubt she'll get there and start slaughtering refugees, she has no reason to. She'll  fade into the background and regroup.)

- wait, how'd she do that?? The portals are one-way! Was that an illusion of herself that got yeeted? Someone explain this.

oh carp, Ruby's unarmed now.

30-second countdown.  Harriet is right, that's not enough to escape.  You were about to blow up thousands of civilians out of spite,  woman - Vine, what are you going to do?  You can't possibly shield a thing like that, how could you get it out of range?

You ARE going to shield. Huh.  Qrow doesn't have a word to say - they never knew each other more than slightly, and there's no time to fumble with phrases,  but he could've said "thank you" or "sorry".  

I didn't think that would work, but heroic sacrifice  gives you a lot of power points, we all know that from anime and superhero movies.  

Yeek, they're really teasing this fall thing.

YEEK did not expect that.

YEEK

Knowing it was going to happen takes a lot of the shock out of it, but still.  And *Penny* doesn't have any meta knowledge.

Jaune goes off mission, but despite what I said earlier, I can't fault him - Cinder's holding two relics! Ooh, and he and Nora don't know the portals are one-way yet.   They weren't even present when Weiss announced the specs.

Oop, what's going on with the arm?  She's had it under control for a long time, is it just coincidence that it would rebel now?

"She's  back".  OH.

Oh, that's disturbing.  Almost as much as the bug she used on Amber. Cinder doesn't need proxies to Grimmsuck the power out of someone anymore.

oh no Penny - that isn't going to WORK is it?

oh, no, no, no, Penny

You can't ask that of Jaune. You just can't.

You did.

Aw man, now i'm crying.

I mean, that's seriously badass, and all, but - but -

Those frost birds are beautiful!

And that makes four.

That was Salem screaming, wasn't it?  I can only imagine how loud it sounded outside of gatespace.

Why are the portals  disappearing?  Cinder didn't use the staff, she's just holding it.  Did RWBY specify an end condition when they designed them?  

Five!  Did not expect that.

Could really use  some Vacuo cavalry about now.

Or, y'know, a Maiden. That'll do.

Cinder, lying as rapidly as possible.   She blames the loss of Ruby and the lamp's last question on others.  Will Salem buy it?

She will!

They're just going to ignore Ironwood.  Seems fitting.  Why even bother?

Oh.  Cinder *wasn't* lying about that part. She did use the staff, and that's why the portals disappeared.  Can't really bring myself to mind much.    (Especially since the portals being gone means they can't follow the survivors.) But I would’ve liked to see her talking to Ambrosius.

And Ironwood is left alone on a  crashing Atlas.

Qrow, Robyn, Elm, Harriet, and Marrow overlook the rubble. 

Oh,  no....Qrow's getting the news through an earpiece,  I don't  know who from.  I think we're all glad not to be able  to hear him.

A flood? Pretty,   but where'd the water come from?  

Annnnnnnd that's a wrap. For Atlas and Mantle.

While the credits are playing,  let me take stock.  Where is everyone?

RIP:  Ironwood, Penny, Watts, Vine.

The ruins of Atlas:  Qrow, Robyn, Elm, Marrow, Harriet, Pietro, Maria, Salem, Cinder.

Vacuo:  Nora, Ren, Oscar and Oz, Emerald, Winter, Willow, Whitley, Klein, and an unknown number of refugees. And Mercury and Tyrian and CVFY and SSSN.   And presumably FNKI.   And the rest of the Happy Huntresses, what was that about slimming down the cast?

Fallen:  RWBY,  Neo, Jaune.  

(who *did* give Qrow the news?  Maybe no one, and he’s just calling and not hearing any response.  I’ll go with that, it’s less awful. He can hope they made it to Vacuo and are simply out of range.)

Post-credit scene!  Water. Ocean of magic water.  Beach. Jungle, with giant shells.  Crescent Rose is waiting for Ruby.  A very big tree.  And that's it.

I'm...not really sure what I think, overall.   Ironwood just seemed to fizzle out into irrelevance, and while I'm sure a lot of people will find that appropriate, none of it is what I  would've hoped for his character arc.  Penny's fate was moving and unexpected.  (In contrast to her first death, they took care not to show her body or what Jaune had to do to her. They didn't want this to be gruesome.)     Amity, Maria and Pietro just seemed to get totally forgotten.  Watts didn't seem to have a plan for the bomb after all besides idle malice.

RWBYJNeo will be fine, but the others are going to spend the volume believing almost all their friends are dead.   That's  just brutally depressing. It does not put me in the mood for wacky Alice-in-Wonderland adventures.  (Time travel or somesuch that shows us  more about Oz and/or STRQ,  that I'd still love to see.)    

We didn't get despairing suicides, we got heroic sacrifices, and not wasted ones either.  That part's okay with me.  

Mmph. Mostly I think I feel numb. How about the rest of you?

[chapter-61]

are you kitten me?

CARRY ON COUNTDOWN DAY 18: Crack!

AO3, POST-CARRY ON

“What the fuck?”

There’s a cat in our house. It sits on the counter and stares at me. It’s black all over except for its feet. Do cats have feet? Paws. Its paws are white.

We don’t have a cat.

I have no idea how it could’ve come in. I’m pretty sure all the windows were closed, and we don’t have a dog door. Or a cat door.

Baz has already left for work, so he must’ve missed it.

“Uhm, hi?” I say to the cat. It meows back, almost sarcastically. Cats can’t understand sarcasm, can they?

Instead of grabbing breakfast, I get my phone and send Baz a text. I hear a ping from the kitchen table that sounds a lot like Baz’ text tone. The cat is still looking at me.

I turn towards the table and yes, there’s Baz’ phone. Strange. He’s never forgotten it before.

Wait. I look back at the cat suspiciously. “Did you do anything to Baz?”

If I didn’t know better, I would say the cat just rolled its eyes. But that’s not possible. I think.

It meows again. Guess that means “no” or “I have no idea what you’re saying”.

Baz’ll be fine, he doesn’t need his phone for anything except to text me. And occasionally Penny.

My stomach reminds me it’s breakfast time, so I grab a bowl of cornflakes and sit down at the table. The cat jumps off the counter and saunters over.

“I’m not giving you anything,” I tell it.

The cat doesn’t seem to hear and it jumps on the table until it’s in front of me.

“Hey!”

At least it’s not trying to drink my milk. Speaking of drink, Baz’ tea mug is still there, next to his phone. I frown at it. Normally, Baz always puts his stuff away, he’s proper like that. He must’ve forgotten a lot of things this morning.

Hey, it’s free tea.

The cat watches me grab the mug and starts to growl. I didn’t know cats could growl so menacingly.

“Calm down,” I scold it. I should probably go find a box to put it in and drive to a shelter nearby. After breakfast.

I lift the mug to my mouth but before I can take a sip, the cat is in front of me and slaps his paw against the mug.

“Bloody hell!” I jump up as tea pours over my pajamas. “Asshole!”

The cat doesn’t seem very affected. It might even be smiling. What a bastard. Baz would love it.

Now I’m covered in cold tea and I barely got some food in. I sigh. Guess I’ll shower first.

The cat watches me go but luckily doesn’t follow me.

After a quick shower, I walk back to the kitchen. The cat has moved, it’s now on the couch. Not relaxed, though. It’s sitting stiffly upright, as if it’s uncomfortable.

“That’s what you get for breaking into someone’s house, mate.”

I grab a new mug from the cabinet because I still want tea, and put on the kettle. I can feel the cat staring at me but I ignore it.

Then I open the tea cabinet. Baz is a big fan, so we’ve got a whole collection. His newest find is a Chinese one, I can’t read the name, but it’s a cute blue box with paws on it. There’s one bag out already, Baz probably drank it this morning. Or most of it, at least, since he left some on the table.

I take one out of the cute box and put it on the counter. The kettle’s ready, so I pour water in my mug and soak the bag.

The cat has come wandering over, and it jumps back on the counter.

“I’m drinking tea and you can’t stop me,” I tell it. It’s staring at me with its big grey eyes. “I picked the same kind just to spite you.”

I shouldn’t have said that. As soon as I lift the mug, the cat launches itself at me. It collides with my chest and the combination of its speed and strength throws me to the ground.

“Fuck!”

The mug breaks as it meets the floor and it spills tea everywhere. Again.

I stay down, defeated.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I ask the bastard, who’s standing on my stomach. Of course, I don’t get an answer.

I rest my head on the floor and close my eyes. Whatever. I’ll deal with the cat from hell later.

After a while, I can feel the cat move, its paws moving around. At first I think it’s trying to give me a massage, but it’s just trying to find a comfortable spot on my body to lay down.

Now the cat’s laying on my stomach and I can’t get up. Great. I open my eyes slightly. “You want to cuddle, asshole? Bit too late for that.”

It blinks at me. Then, to my utter disbelief, the cat starts purring. Maybe it’s not so mean after all. I slowly lift a hand and move it over its body once. It doesn’t seem to mind. I keep petting it, and the cat keeps purring. It’s actually pretty nice.

I think I fell asleep, because the next moment my back hurts and the cat is not on my stomach anymore. I sit up and look around.

“Cat?” I ask.

I hear a meow from the kitchen table so I get up and walk over. The cat’s sitting on the table again, but it looks much less threatening now that we had our bonding moment.

“Hi.”

It meows back. Then it paws at my phone, as if it’s trying to tell me something. I pick it up but I don’t have any texts. I look at the cat, but it doesn’t do anything else.

“I should probably call Penny,” I tell it. The cat nods.

I dial Penny’s number.

“Simon?”

“Penny, hi. I have a small problem at home.”

“I’m working, can this wait?”

“Uhm.” I look at the cat. It exhales loudly, as if it’s trying to sigh. I chuckle, that’d be funny. A sighing cat. “Yeah, sure. When can you come?”

“In two hours, probably. Can’t Baz help?”

“He left his phone here.”

“Huh. Well, I’ll be there in a few hours.”

“Thanks, Pen.”

I put my phone back on the table and glance at the cat. It looks grumpy again. Just in case, I’m not making more tea. “We have some time to kill,” I tell it. “Wanna watch some Love Island? Baz hates it, but maybe you’ll like it.”

The cat looks disgusted now.

“Either way, I’m gonna watch it. Join me, if you want.”

It did eventually join me, settling down on my stomach again. I didn’t mind. It was warm and soft and it felt nice to have company while Baz was away.

The doorbell rings and the cat jumps up.

“It’s just Penny,” I tell it, as I stand, stretch my arms and walk to the door.

Penny smiles when she sees me, but the frowns at something behind me.

“What?”

“Where did you get that?”

I close the door behind her and turn. She’s looking at the cat quizzically. In turn, the cat sits perfectly still on the floor, back straight and gaze serious.

“Be careful,” I tell her. “It’s a bastard. I have no idea how it got in, I need your help figuring out where to bring him-”

“Simon,” she interrupts me. “Where’s Baz?”

The cat meows, as if it wants to join the conversation.

“He’s at work, like always.”

“Are you sure? You said he forgot his phone so you can’t know where he is.”

“Well, where else would he be?”

The cat meows again. I roll my eyes at it. “Shut up.”

“Simon?”

I turn back to Penny. “Yeah?”

“That’s not a cat. It has a magical signature, I can feel it.”

“Oh great, a magical cat. Now we can’t even get rid of it.”

“I think...” Penny hesitates. “I think the cat is Baz.”

“What?!” I look at the cat. “Baz?”

It rolls its eyes at me and meows. Holy shit. I start laughing. “Aleister Crowley! Baz! You’re a cat!”

The cat, Baz, doesn’t look amused. I have to hold on to my stomach because I’m laughing so hard. “You’re a cat! This is amazing.”

Penny clears her throat and I wipe a few tears from my face. “Simon,” she says. “This is serious. I don’t know how to reverse it.”

“Oh. Uhm. Baz, do you have any idea?” I can’t help another chuckle. The bastard cat is Baz. Figures.

Baz glares at me and then walks towards the mess of the kitchen. I still haven’t cleaned it up, oops.

“What happened here?”

“I tried to drink tea but the cat—Baz—slammed the mug out of my hand. Twice!”

Baz meows and grabs the used tea bag on the floor with his teeth. He brings it over to Penny. She takes it and examines it. “You drank this?”

Baz nods. “Oh yeah,” I say. “His mug was left on the table, with half of it left.”

“You think the tea was cursed?” Penny asks. Baz nods again.

“That’s why you were being an asshole! You didn’t want me to turn into a cat too!”

He rolls his eyes again. I’m thinking of letting him stay like this. “You’re very cute as a cat. And you don’t insult me every five minutes.”

“It’s a pretty simple curse, I think. A simple reverse spell should do it,” Penny says after a moment.

“Cool. Can you do it?”

“Already? I thought you liked him as a cat,” Penny jokes.

“Wait.” I walk over to Baz and pick him up. He protests with a little meow but doesn’t struggle as I pull him to my chest. “Just one small cat hug.”

“He really is cute.”

“I know right.” I smile down at him. He pushes his little head into my chest. Aww. I scratch him behind his ears and he starts purring again.

Penny begins to laugh. “I don’t understand why anyone would want to turn Baz into a cat. It’s not like he became a vicious beast.”

“Maybe it’s some kind of B-list Disney villain counterpart of Cruella De Vil, wanting to create an army of cats.”

“Cruella De Vil didn’t want an army of dogs, Simon.”

“You damn well know what I meant.”

Penny’s eyes suddenly light up. “I know a good spell!”

“Well?”

“In true Disney fashion,” she says, lifting her wand. “True love’s kiss!”

The magic hits Baz but nothing seems to happen. Baz looks unimpressed in my arms, still a cat. “Uhm, Penny? I don’t think that worked.”

“Of course not, dimwit. You need to kiss him first.” She looks proud of herself.

“I’m not kissing a cat!”

Baz meows as if he’s offended and I glare at him. He might be cute but I’d prefer not to be accused of animal abuse.

“You don’t have to French him, Si. Just give him a kiss on his little head. Lots of people do that.”

“Fine,” I huff. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I raise Baz up a little and I look him in the eyes. He nods back encouragingly. Here goes nothing.

I touch my lips to his head, avoiding his small ears, and then Baz starts lighting up. It’s so bright I have to close my eyes.

“It’s working!” I hear Penny say.

Next, there’s suddenly a heavy weight in my arms and I fall forward, landing on Baz.

“Ouch,” he says from beneath me.

“Baz!” I can’t help but shout. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him close. “Thank Merlin.”

“Thank me,” Penny says smugly.

“Thank you, Bunce.” Baz pats my back. “I’m fine, Simon. Can you let me up? I want to stand on two feet again instead of four.”

I laugh as I stand and pull him up. “You were adorable as a cat.”

“I’m always adorable. In fact, I’m purr-fect.”

“You’re hiss-terical.”

“Paw-some.”

“I almost miss the Baz that didn’t talk.”

“No you don’t.”

“No, I don’t.” I smile at him. He smiles back. He had only been gone for a few hours (not even really gone), but I missed that smile.

“Can I get a proper kiss now?” Baz asks, pulling me closer with his hands on my hips. I go willingly.

“I’m leaving,” Penny interrupts. “Try not to buy more curses.”

We’re not listening anymore.

***

When I wake up on Saturday, Simon is already up. What a pity. He’s not usually awake before me, but he must’ve had a rough night. I rub the sleep from my eyes and try to tame my hair. I should’ve brushed it before going to bed, but we were rather busy.

Strangely, I don’t hear anything when I walk to the kitchen. If Simon’s up, he’s usually in front of the television. I wander around the house looking for him, until I stop in front of the couch in the living room.

There’s a big orange cat sitting on it, looking at me sheepishly.

I sigh. “You fucking moron.”