#i get along w ppl irl fine ig??

[swingingcrab]

I know this is very aqua moon of me to say but sometimes I feel like I really don't belong anywhere 🧍‍♀️

[cryptidapprentice]

man,,,

[huggalo]

having a #personal#blog moment here but, reflecting back on my very clumsy and unpleasant 't4t' friendship-turned-relationship, i just hope to never inhabit that headspace again. i white knighted for her in so many bullshit scenarios where she played herself up as the #1 victim of transmisogyny bc she didn't get her way (whether e-begging, tf2 gambling, winning an argument, sex, etc) because i believed it made me a principled person and might absolve me of the sins of my problematic afab nature. Often she was a bully and i was her flying monkey. lol.

as teens before coming out more publicly i remember encouraging her to try drag and going 2 rocky horror together (cliche but what do u expect for teens), lending her my dresses and doing her makeup-which she agreed to and later said she hated. in some ways she was more masculine which was something i liked about her but in early coming-out she hated and rejected that part of herself as something that was vile and evil. when she started dressing 'femme' she chose cartoony housewife fetish dresses and etc but was still clearly pretty unhappy. i did the most i knew how to be affirming and encouraging, would help or give advice about makeup and stuff, etc.

meanwhile I was gravitating toward more masculine presentation as we entered an adult relationship and she started Projecting this forcefem fetish onto me where she was asking me to wear her fetish dresses and telling me these really elaborate fantasies about dressing me up in tight clothing and forcing herself on me etc, and my ego was just so pummeled by life i always just like, let it happen because i thought this was how to be queer or kinky or what have you. lots of times when we met up in person she touched me in ways that didn't feel good and lacking boundaries i allowed it to escalate. or was sometimes an active participant in the escalation, as though bent on our mutual destruction lol.

anyway the relationship eventually culminated in her having an extremely traumatic and dangerous drug-induced psychotic break after i chose the exact wrong time to finally tell her "no". but instead of ending it i stuck it out for months out of a sense that I was otherwise "abandoning" my vulnerable trans woman partner who in fact lived in a different city in her own apartment with a job.

anyway her self-infantilization combined with my sense of duty/'allyship' instilled by online idpol discourse made for a very bitter, angry, self-loathing pair who had enemies at every turn. when we finally ended it, it was a confusing nightmare where i initially tried to negotiate polyamory bc i was too afraid of what she'd do if i cut things off entirely. The friendship was fine til i started seeing someone else who wasn't a tgirl. she lost it, blocked me everywhere, tried to convince everyone I knew irl and online that I was a terf, abuser, cheater, etc. fantasized openly online in places where my friends could read it, about killing/maiming me and my 'evil' partner.

not that i am faultless and that i didn't stumble and make mistakes or do/say things that were hurtful along the way (human).

but anyway ig my point being is that u can theorize about transmisogyny in the abstract online and pretend that u can identify "good" allies from "bad" allies w these labels/signifiers, but in practice i did everything in my ability to be "good" and it was never good enough for a person who chose to weaponize it against ppl in all aspects of her social life. so idk. just be careful

[selfshipping-central]

Okay okay okay *inhales deeply*

First of all: I'd like a male character, if platonic or romantic is irrelevant to me and I'm leaving that up to you.

So my personality is pretty bubbly I'd say, I can talk a shit ton and keep a conversation going as long as I'm interested in it, if I'm not you'll most likely notice bc I'm not good at hiding my non exited interest in things (and I don't want to hide it either). I'm out going, I love to meet new ppl - both irl and online. But I can also listen. Like sitting still and keeping eye contact is not something I can do but I can stare at a wall and listen to people for hours - I forget most of it the second they end their sentence but that's bc my short term memory is trash (thank you social media, you ruined my brain for good)

I love art. No matter what type of art. Poetries, stories, painting, music whatever it is I love it. I also love my hyperfixations and will teach you the lore of whatever it is that's stuck in my head - I usually send like 10 minutes voice messages to my bestie just rambling about whatever's going through my head. I love to watch the stars, out of my friend group I'm the star (my childhood bestie is the moon, my other bestie's the moon) so that only makes sense ig

My personality type is ENFP if that helps idk.

My hobbies are bouldering, skating, painting, writing uhhh going on late night drives w das homies. I design and sew clothes, I create OCs (sometimes) I'm super interested in fashion bc that shit's simply my thing. I know how to style stuff to make it look good (my friends literally ask me for advice sometimes which makes my lil fashion heart bloom, I love to channel my inner Velvette)

I'm pretty self reflected and self aware, I curse a LOT (trying my best to not write "fuck" or "fucking" in every sentence, it's hard) I am confident mainly bc idc what ppl think about me, like fuck em who r they to judge?

I have short, messy brown hair, green eyes and fucking pale skin (basically a vampire at this point) before I get tan I get my skin burned bc my skin's sensitive af. I do have freckles though they're more visible during summer. I'm 5'3 ish, dress like your typical skater punk and love to wear eyeshadow (brown eyeshadow simply looks good on me)

People say I'm funny so I'm gonna say I'm funny. Uh I think that should be it.

Fandom: Helluva Boss

Blitzø!! (Romantic)

After knowing you for a while (not enough we must be friends for life shawty) we are very Blitzø coded.

Which is why you need him to be your partner in crime!!

100% rants to you about his love for horses

Will get all lovestruck when you take him horse riding!!

"I had no clue I could fall in love with you anymore. But holy fuckin' hell babe... I'm going to suck the shit outta your dick tonight."

Your personalities mesh so well together!!

He's your hype man!!

And you're his!!

"Yeaaa!! You get him babe!!! That's my boyfriend you know. Did I mention I suck his dick every night? Fuck him up danger dick!!"

Both of you forgetting literally everything. It's so bad please take either Millie or Moxxie with you when you're on missions.

This is the both of you -> (´･ω･`)?

"Wait what were we gonna do?"

"I don't remember."

"Fuck- Moxxie what are we doing?"

Adores all forms of your art. Thinks your patchwork is so sick!! Your painting and writings too!! He loves all of it!!

"Holy shit- You made that jacket? Babe. Can you make me one?"

He finds your sense of fashion so hot. The whole vibe is so hot to him. Just watching you walk around all relaxed and confident has him all black in the cheeks and flushed. (Cause they have black blood see what I did there hehe ( •̀ ω •́ )P )

"Fuck. Your outfits make you look so hot..."

Doesn't mind listening to your ramblings but he must have his turn to ramble too!! ♪(^∇^*)

"Wait so the British man- kills kids?? Slow down- start again what is this about a robot bear-"

Seeing as me and him have the same MBTI type (ENTP gang pull up) You will get along just fine with him.

Please please please please I beg of you get into debates or arguments with him, spice up your life. I'm saying this with personal experience that if you don't jokingly bicker with each other shit gets so boring so fast.

Besties that are dating vibes.

Thinks that your skating is so cool too.

"Do a flip!! Oh shit he did a flip-"

You swear a lot? He swears a lot. Don't worry about it.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK- Ohh shit!! MOXXIE GET YOUR FLAT ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!! OR I'LL CUT OFF MY OWN DICK AND IMPALE YOU WITH IT FOR FUCKS SAKE!!"

Wants you to do makeup on him but is too scared to ask.

Steals your clothes I don't make the rules.

[herotheshiro]

i didn’t know where to post this -- here or on my other blog where i’ve moved my fandom ramblings but i’ve decided to put it here since it kind of touches on more personal topics/feelings. jk i wrote it all out and i didn’t really touch too much on personal stuff so into the fandom blog it goes. also putting it under a read more bc it ended up being pretty damn long wow

recently had a sort of issue/not-issue on twitter where i kind of openly expressed my dislike for this one character. no essay backing up why i dislike them, but i do have my (valid) reasons and i tend to be kind of semi-serious w my hate so i didn’t think too much abt swinging my opinions around. and also since this twitter is a recent development, i’m more used to tumblr where even if you openly express an opinion, you have a ton of character space to utilize to explain your opinion so you tend to explain yourself anyway unlike twitter’s limited character tweets where you basically just express your opinion and that’s it. anyway i might have gotten a little carried away since i don’t really interact w anyone in fandoms anymore and only w my fam member who we enable each others’ opinions and put my opinion on my bio and i think that along w my tweet trail led to potentially being vagued abt by a twitter account that mostly posts abt that fandom. i still have reason to suspect that /i/ wasn’t the sole target of the vagueing (if even) bc they said some stuff abt this character’s negative opinion that apparently someone expressed that /i/ never overtly said (like he’s evil and bad simply bc of how he treats this one person but i never said that, just implied that he’s a general asshole and maybe his relationship w this one person isn’t as good as i’ve seen previously from the fandom which is what i’ve deduced from reading canon content). since they never mentioned names or twitter handles explicitly, i purposely made some tweets (still being open, no censoring on purpose) to try to get a direct response and also low-key targeting the vaguers (out of my paranoia that they were indeed talking abt me which honestly prob not but also it’s a relatively small eng-speaking fandom involved w this character so they have to have stumbled upon me at one point). i did get a response (not from the vaguer(s)) from someone calling me out for not censoring my open dislike of this one character. but i also suspect they knew abt my dislike of this one character stemming from their interactions w another character bc they started talking abt shipping even though i never mentioned a ship in those tweets (but i did mention the latter character though not in conjunction w the former). anyway i felt the familiar heat of embarrassment upon seeing that notif of their callout but i almost immediately felt better abt the entire situation bc i finally got the direct callout i was waiting for and i knew what i needed to take down. direct and clear action

in hindsight after i made a series of vagueing tweets last night lol i feel like this entire situation is just me creating unnecessary drama and wildly hitting even ppl not even involved at all (as noted by the callout which was supposedly having non-involved randos in mind) just to make myself feel better or something which isn’t really respectful in any way (and i was totally open abt me just swinging wildly after the callout and my ensuing taking down of posts. this isn’t even a private twitter where ig it’s apparently socially acceptable to talk abt shit like that). and also makes me think maybe i never really learned anything from being online for almost my entire life. a weird part of me has always wanted to become fandom-famous online but i’ve never succeeded in doing so nor have i made an online group of friends i can bounce my opinions and headcanons off of. so i’ve never really developed an online community, i’ve always just been on the fringes and yelling into the mass without getting much attention. now ik that apparently twitter does indeed chuck your opinions well into that mass (good and bad i suppose), it’s a bit surprising to actually get “attention” ... i also mentioned this in my tweets last night but i really really dislike getting vagued abt which my psychoanalyzing brain was like “that’s bc you don’t like not knowing what others think abt you irl” and yeah if you got an issue w me i’d prefer you to tell it directly to my face rather than pretend you like me (which is totally hypocritical bc i do the latter to others but also i tend to just swerve ppl i dislike so it’s not like i go out of my way to pretend to be nice to them).

idk where i was trying to go w this bc now that i’m writing it out i’m like wow yeah i’m still in the wrong huh. sometimes i am in the wrong like years ago when i got called out for grossly shipping irl ppl (which yes i will admit i did do once upon a time but now i no longer do it or am ok w it) but i don’t feel like i was in the wrong this time so i just feel a little frustrated abt the vagueing bc if i was part of the group they were vagueing abt then i was definitely painted as someone w no critical thinking skills which i do, i just don’t share their opinion which they think is right (and tbh i wonder if THEY have critical thinking skills bc they said some things in defense of their opinion which i don’t agree with esp if you’re interpreting canon content like that. are we even reading the same content). i do genuinely feel better abt the series now bc before i was literally anxiety whenever i thought of or even saw the related characters. my fam member was trying to talk abt the series to me and they weren’t even talking abt the related characters but i just wasn’t feeling it bc of this whole situation which i literally made abt me even though there was no indication whatsoever it was abt me. this all make me think that i really should take a good fucking long break from fandoms and social media bc it just gives me unneeded stress and anxiety abt cancel culture, trying to be likeable enough to become fandom-famous, seeing hot takes, etc etc. i’ve already been winding down in terms of strongly interacting w fandoms but my mental health has not been doing so hot recently bc of irl things and fandoms are not ameliorating it at all. ik for some fandoms do indeed make ppl feel better but that’s when ppl actually interact w them and they’re not stuck in a bubble of no response whatsoever while ppl may potentially gab abt them outside of that bubble. my issue is that i always feel the need to create when i really get into a fandom and when you create you want ppl to respond to your creations! so you need to interact w the fandom. but then i then want to actually interact w the fandom fr instead of just posting from time to time and staying out of it and you know where that gets me sometimes. i think it’s bc i had a good time in the pjo and warriors fandoms and i want something like that again in new fandoms i’m in but for whatever reason that’s not how it is now.

i didn’t jump into the vagueing tweet mess bc as i said i wasn’t directly called out and also better to just ignore it but i couldn’t get it out of my head. and that’s making me really consider leaving fandom social media and just create fanworks solely for myself without even posting them online. my works don’t really get much response anyway which is fine tbh even having 1 like these days is good enough so it’s not like i’d be losing out. but idk man ... sometimes you just want to share stuff w others. maybe i should just make my own website and put stuff on there w no expectation for likes or whatever. this has also made me re-evaluate whether or not i really do want to go into art professionally. ik this one situation is inevitable w putting your opinion out on the internet and i wasn’t even in the wrong i feel bc it’s not like i have a problematic opinion (racism, sexism, incest, etc) but it has put a damper on creating content to put online even if the content i eventually want to create is original and is in no way associated w fandoms. even as i write that out i realize it’s kind of stupid to have such a damper put on me. i should watch spiderverse again bc that was the film that really inspired me to create my own creative visual content again and also i’ve been feeling really uninspired lately. ik i shouldn’t let this kind of stuff get me down if i really want to create art in the future but it’s hard to deal w sometimes. honestly i really should be seeing a therapist but also wow now it’s delving into more personal territory so i’ll end it here.

tl;dr i need to learn how to chill on the internet and i think i need to create boundaries for fandoms fr and stick w those boundaries for the benefit of my mental health. maybe i shouldn’t have gotten a twitter in the first place lol even if all i made it for originally was just so i could message a proxy on twitter and not to actually get involved in fandom twitter. i didn’t even get the proxied good in the end anyway bc i was forced to cancel the payment by a third party bc the proxy had not sent me the good in months despite them updating relatively regularly on how busy they were as a student. hah that just how it be

also side note i was like to myself “ok you need to chill bc these series’ characters aren’t real. there’s no need to get so worked up over them” but then i realized even that opinion is “problematic” bc there are ppl out there who really use the characters as like idk a therapy object and i’m genuinely not trying to be an asshole i just forgot the specific wording you use. so even if i’m like ‘they’re fake’ there are others who are like ‘no they make me feel better so don’t hate !!’ which idk is a mentality which i think ppl should shift away from bc you can’t be in fandoms forever unless you’re a professional fictional content creator which is also an opinion i think a good number of ppl would disagree w (“they’re not bothering anyone and it’s their life so what are you to say what they should do??”). idk this is my hot take for the day i guess but it’s fine to be a fan of stuff as you grow up but i think it should become less of a focus/active part in your life as you grow older. i mean maybe that’s a cynical way of seeing things bc maybe creating fanwork is a good de-stressor for ppl but i think i feel that way bc i’m not going into creative content professionally career-wise but ... idk what i’m trying to say here. i guess i just have complicated thoughts on fandoms in general.