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idkthisisjustforfanfic · 5 years

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Part XII - The Untimely Downfall of Strangers

read parts 1-11 here

THEN - Day 1612

I didn’t know when interviewers would stop asking me about Margot, but today wasn’t that day.

I’d done three interviews for the movie--and each one seemed to focus generally on the whole idea that now, apparently, I was an actor. They also managed to slip in a question about whether or not I’d spoken to Margot. After the third one, Jeffrey had made an executive decision to demand that each media outlet cut those parts.

Things had died down, really. There weren’t new headlines every day, new rumors, new speculations about where Margot was and what I was doing about it.

In fact, I didn’t know where she was, I didn’t really want to know, and I frankly just wanted to move on with my life.

It’d been fourteen months since we’d broken up. The first year was miserable and I made it all the way to the one year mark still feeling like it was yesterday. Reliving all of it at the anniversary seemed to be healing in a way--or at least, it helped me process what had happened and hope for a better 2017.

So now, when people asked me if I’d spoken to her, if I’d heard from her, I couldn’t help but just be angry and annoyed and bothered.

I hadn’t heard from her, I hadn’t spoken to her, and it was my understanding that no one else had either. She hadn’t released music, made a statement, done much of anything, really.

The only thing to have even come from her mouth (or Nick’s, more realistically) was a statement in 2015 when she went to treatment that she was putting her health first and would take all of the time she needed. Nothing since.

“Anything new in terms of your love-life? You were in a very public relationship with Margot Jones--everyone is dying to know more about why it didn’t work out.”

I licked my lips quickly, thankful that the interview we were filming wasn’t live and thankful that Jeff was just off camera. I could see the way his eyebrows dipped at the sound of her name, looking up from his phone to see how I’d handle it.

“Nothing new,” I shook my head, offering the woman a small smile as I looked over to Jeff--part of me hoping he’d interrupt and redirect. “Just uh, focusing on the movie, some new music. Definitely just taking a pause for myself.”

Okay, so maybe I did wonder where she was and what she was doing. With the album coming out and with my time being spent increasingly in L.A., I couldn’t help but wonder what her life was now.

“How did the break up affect the rest of the boys from One Direction? I mean--clearly it was a heartbreaking thing I’m sure for you and Margot, but, any word how they’ve dealt with it?”

I shook my head slightly, hoping that this woman would pick up the hint that she wasn’t going to get much out of me. “You know, I think they’ve been so excited to focus on their new ventures as well, they’re all going to do some great things, so I’m wishing them the best in terms of time off and new adventures.”

None of that felt true in the moment--but I’d also been coached for years now on how to avoid uncomfortable questions.

But I wasn’t going to tell Macie--this woman in a yellow dress--that Niall refused to speak to me for the weeks after it happened because he claimed I let her walk out. I wasn’t going to tell her that Liam and Louis both avoided me for a while in fear that I’d be too emotional to handle the work related things we had to do at the end of the year.

I certainly wasn’t going to tell her that I hadn’t spoken to Zayn in months and had no idea if he even knew what had happened.

I knew Margot was talking to them--I mean, I figured she had kept in touch with Niall at first. But then I got a text from Liam asking if I knew that she was home (I didn’t, no one had told me).

And now, when Niall sent me a stupid meme or a text about sports and mutual friends, I’d fight the urge to ask how she was. I’d type it out and erase it and hope that one day he’d just decide to tell me everything he knew about what she was doing and how she was feeling and why on earth she decided that I wasn’t good enough for her anymore.

I’d heard from Niall that she wasn’t really writing. He’d seen her for lunch the last time he was in town, but he didn’t give me more than that. I wonder if she’d asked him not to.

It wouldn’t surprise me if his loyalty now laid with her--I mean, they’d always been close and for some reason, Margot found Niall to be much more entertaining than he really was. If he was at a point now where he chose her over me, I could live with it.

I’d already lived with Margot choosing everything else over me.

THEN - Day 724

I stood up on the loge level, stage left, watching as Margot finished the last song. The stadium was huge--it felt bigger in the audience than it did when we’d played it only a month prior. Bodies filled the seats that allowed them all to watch my girlfriend do her thing--a much less flashy version than she’d previously put on.

Margot had always had a love hate relationship with her fame--she loved it in the sense that she didn’t know anything else now. She loved her fans and her music and being creative. She loved the life that it allowed her to live.

But at the same time, she hated the way it dampened her spirit and her freedom and her world. She’d tried, over the last two years, to make music that was more her and less radio. She did different set designs, different wardrobe ventures, and worked tirelessly to be involved in every decision that was made about her life. I think that’s why she seemed so exhausted all of the time.

Sinead was beside me, swaying along to the song she’d heard probably 700 times by now. She offered a smile in my direction when she noticed my eyes on her, and I took the opportunity to lean over and speak into her ear.

“Are you as sick of this song as I am?”

She laughed, rolling her eyes as she shrugged. “Let’s just say we’re lucky she’s a good writer.”

I nodded and pushed my lips out in thought--knowing very well that Margot was likely just as sick of this song as I was. It didn’t stop her from dancing to it on stage like she was having the time of her life.

I wondered, as I watched the girl I loved, what thoughts went through her head at night. She was far more in demand than we were--whether or not 2014 had brought One Direction bigger stadiums and more press and more things on our to-do list.

I’d always wondered--especially when Margot and I started dating--if there’d come a time when she took a backseat. Not because I felt she needed to--more so because I think she wanted to.

“How’s she been lately?” I leaned over to ask Sinead, Margot spoke to the crown in gratitude of their presence and good energy. I knew she was getting close to the end of the show.

Sinead moved her head from side to side--admitting that Margot had most likely been difficult lately. She’d always get to a point at the end of the tour where she was ready for it to be over. She’d get cranky and homesick and just more irritable. She’d been having the time of her life on this tour--but I knew, with only two weeks left, she was ready to return to LA and begin filming the final season of her television show.

“She’s been okay--she’s tired. She’s super glad you’re here.”

Her words made a smile fight onto my face. The distance was hard--especially in the summer. Other times of year we could take weekends or weeks and align our schedules. We could try to be in the same city at the same time for different reasons.

But touring in the summer often had us on opposite sides of the planet for weeks at a time. Which is why--despite being rather sick of hearing Margot’s most recent number one single--I was happy to be spending my days off with her. We were right in the middle of our U.S. leg of the Where We Are tour, so being stateside gave me more access to Margot. We did our best, as always, to align any legs of our tours if we could--often playing the same venues only weeks apart.

So even if there were weeks when she was in Japan and I was in Spain, laying beside her at night in a hotel or on her bus made all of the red-eye flights worth it.

“Did you book her charter for when she comes to see us?”

Sinead nodded--reaching for her phone to send a text to Margot’s head of security. “Yep--she’s back in LA for a few days and then she’ll meet up with you guys for a long weekend in mid-September. Back for filming at the end of the month and then with you for the last three shows in October.”

Sinead’s mind often amazed me. Not only was it her job to keep Margot’s schedule straight--meaning fittings and shows and press and radio and filming and recording and rehearsing and writing--but she also had to have a fair enough understanding as to where in the world I was.

Sinead’s job--sometimes--seemed like she was trying to mix oil and water.

But she loved it--her and Margot had become close and she got on well with everyone on my side of the equation, too. I just wondered sometimes if she had the aching for a quiet life. Did she wish she could take time off in the summer instead of trailing behind Margot through different concert venues?

Margot’s words in the microphone caught my attention as the crowd erupted in cheers. “There’d be no better way--naturally--to end a show, so for our last song, can everyone sing as loud as they can?”

Sinead clapped and smiled down at Margot--who looked like a small figurine from our spots overhead. “I’m more sick of this one, to be honest,” she grinned up at me and started humming along as the band began to play.

NOW - Day 1718

Margot brought her eyes up to mine--I could see the thoughts swirling in her head as she seemed to scan my face. The desperation in my voice was probably obvious. “Don’t put up another wall,” I said, “we’ve got enough to take down.”

She licked at her lips and tried to exhale deeply--but she was stuck. She shook her head eventually and let out a laugh. “It’s not that easy, Harry. It’s like--here we are, just like the old summers, and I’m still afraid that there are all these people out here who would ruin our relationship if they could.”

I nodded--trying my best to validate the fear she held in her eyes. “I know, baby, I know. But s’not going to happen. It didn’t happen before.”

She looked away at that--apparently our interpretations were different. “Harry we were always fighting about the way you interacted with fans.”

“S’part of the job, Margot. I can’t just not be nice.”

She rolled her eyes--still standing a few feet away from me in the center of her deck. It was comical, almost--we reestablished our roles without even speaking of it--falling into place like we’d worn out footsteps on the floor.

“I’m not saying you can’t be nice. I’ve never said that, okay?”

I took a deep breath, not wanting to fight on the last night we had together--but also thankful for the fact that we were speaking. A few weeks ago, we couldn’t say the same.

“You are the person I care most about on this planet,” I said, reaching forward to bring her towards me. She looked at my hands hesitantly, wondering if she should take the risk and step towards me. I offered her a small smile when she met my eyes--walking towards me finally and extending her hands to meet mine.

I looked up at her, heart in my throat and emotion ready to pour out of me. “I want to do this, Margot. I want to try again. But if we do--I need you to know that I’m not backing out like last time. I’m not giving up like I did.”

She blinked a few times--processing my words. I didn’t know if she knew what I mean--I didn’t know if she took the words as seriously as I did.

I wanted her--all of her. I didn’t want to do this half-arsed or tentatively or with any reservations. There wasn’t a doubt it my mind that Margot was the person for me. With all of the eye-rolls and sarcasm included.

“I’m in if you are,” I told her, letting my thumbs rub circles on top of her skin.

She let out a quiet laugh, not as closed-off as she’d been a few minutes early. “I’m in, Harry--clearly I’m in,” she shrugged, another laugh escaping her lips as she looked around us--silently making reference to the fact that we were behaving like a couple.

But that was the thing about Margot--I don’t know if there was any other way I knew how to be with her. Either completely with her, 100% all in, or doing everything in my soul to forget her name and forget the way she laughed when I made a stupid joke.

THEN - Day 1189

Liam was mad at me and I knew it.

But that didn’t stop me from biting into the last banana in the fruit bowl in the green room before our performance at The X-Factor live finals.

He had his feet up on the coffee table--already dressed and done with hair and makeup. He scrolled on his phone, the tension building between us as I seemed to stand in the middle of the room awkwardly.

I’d told them to just drop it. I’d told them--probably a thousand times by now--that walking on eggshells wasn’t going to help anyone. They didn’t need to be nice to me or give me space or ask how I was feeling.

I told them to just act as if nothing had happened. The more we could just forget about it and move on, the easier it would be for me to not want to blow my brains out during these last few weeks of promo.

I’d told management that every single media outlet we worked with had to be contractually obliged to not mention her or our relationship or the break up. I made it extremely clear the morning after it happened in New York that I’d get up, walk out, or tell whoever was interviewing to go ahead and fuck right off. It might do well for ratings, but it wouldn’t do well for our overall image.

But still, I was sulking around most of the time, drinking too much and sleeping too much and ignoring too many text messages from important people.

Niall would call to make sure I was up and on my way to events, but I’d just let them go to voicemail. My mum would text and her message would go unread for a day or two before I had the courage to face the outside world that seemed to move on from the cold day in New York--the place in which my brain was stuck.

I wanted so badly to move on--I wanted to forget about her and the feelings and the way that now my head seemed foggy and unable to focus on anything but the words she’d said over the last six months.

“Can you not just stand there? At least sit or something,” Liam said, not bothering to look up at me.

“Why do you care where I am?” I shot back, ignoring the fact that Lou worked on Niall’s hair only a few feet away. I was sick of pretending like I was okay--yet I still hoped people would just treat me like I was.

“Because you’re just standing there like you’re waiting for something, mate. Just sit down and relax.”

“Don’t tell me to relax,” I said, my voice firm and angry as Louis entered the room with a smile on his face.

“How’s everyone doin’? An exciting night, yeah?”

“Bad time, Louis,” Niall said, the noise of Lou’s blow dryer muffled his voice from across the room.

Louis’ eyes seemed to scan the room--falling on me with a bit of disappointment. That’s how I’d sum it up, really--the way they’d been treating me. Disappointed. Disappointed that I hadn’t fixed everything between me and Margot, disappointed that I was depressed and in a shit mood. Disappointed that I wasn’t thoroughly enjoying the end of our band as if I wasn’t scared shitless of what was next.

“Y’alright, Harry?” Louis asked, flopping down onto the couch as he put his legs up beside Liam, crossing him arms over his chest as he waited for my answer.

“No--clearly I’m not fucking alright. Is that what you all need to hear? Do you want me to just admit that I’m fucking miserable and an idiot and I fucked up?”

Liam finally brought his eyes up now to look at me--Niall watched me through the mirror that hung in front of him.

“I know you’re all pissed at me--okay? I know you’re mad that I didn’t figure out how to fix things with her but I didn’t fucking know that was coming. I didn’t know her solution to the problem was to throw everything away. Did any of you? Yeah? Did any of you know that she was falling apart? You were all her friends, too. But none of you hold any guilt in any of this?”

Lou switched off the blow dryer--setting in on the table as she busied herself with her phone, clearly uncomfortable with being stuck in the middle of such a weighted conversation.

“Harry, no one’s trying to blame you,” Niall stood from the chair and moved towards us--his eyes narrowed as he watched me. “We wish you guys stayed together, f’course--but we’re not mad.”

“No? Not mad?” I let out a sarcastic laugh and let my hands slap against my thighs. “Then why the fuck have all of you reached out to her to see how she is but you can’t even bear to be in the same room as me?”

I didn’t have physical proof that they’d reached out--but I wasn’t stupid. I knew that as soon as Niall found out, he likely called and texted her a thousand times to get more details than he got from me. I knew Liam was upset to hear she’d entered treatment--Louis was freaked out that he didn’t get to see her before she left.

Radio silence in the room as Liam set his phone down on the coffee table and rested his elbows on his knees.

“We get it--okay? We get that this is hard and new and that all of us are dealing with a lot of change.”

I rolled my eyes at him. Sure--change. The word had lived in my head for a long time now. Ever since the spring when Zayn left in the middle of a fucking tour and Margot started asking about my plans for life after the band.

Things were changing for all of them, too, but not in the way it had for me. We’d all lost a bandmate. We’d all lost a friend. We were all going into uncharted territory and hoping for the best.

But they still had the people beside them to make it less terrifying. Liam had his girlfriend, Louis had his. Niall had us and his brother and his friends from back home.

I had them. I had my family. I had the support of people who cared about me--but none of it would make up for the fact that I didn’t have her.

In the span of 30 days, I was losing the two of the most important things in my life. I looked at the three of them--shocked that they thought they understood how I was feeling when none of them had been in this set up.

“No,” I shook my head, anger bringing heat to my face as I let my tongue glide along the back of my teeth as I headed for the door. “You don’t get it.”

NOW - Day 1719

Being friends with James Corden was a blessing and a curse. There were plenty of ways that being his friend had perks. I’d met a lot of people through him--I always could count on him to be game for some take away and video games, and most importantly, he was supportive and loving and all of that good friend stuff.

But now, as I sat in his the passenger seat of a Range Rover in a parking lot in LA, getting ready to film a carpool karaoke segment, I was less than impressed with my friend as he laughed to himself. “M’not gonna go too hard, Harry--but people are figuring it out. I mean, you haven’t exactly been subtle about it, have you?”

I rolled my eyes, rubbing at the bridge of my nose as a woman brushed more powder onto my nose, completely unable to stop the smile from reaching my cheeks as I responded. “People don’t know everything--and you always want me to tell you everything.”

“I do not,” he defended, reaching for the microphone that clipped to the inside of his collar.

I adjusted the sunglasses on my head and watched as traffic whizzed by us outside. “It’s not a big deal, we’re just taking it slow.”

“Please do not ask him a shit ton about it,” Jeff said, coming up behind the woman who did my makeup-- a cup of coffee in his hands.

“Oh I’m going to ask him about it,” James nodded confidently. “And he’ll give me some shit-eating grin answer and I’ll try not to laugh at how ridiculous he sounds.”

Jeff let out a laugh and headed back for the hallway--clearly not too worried about whatever was about to happen. And that was another blessing--being friends with James meant he’d give me shit and push me a bit, but he also had nothing but respect for me and my privacy.

I shook my head as I took a sip of the coffee Jeff had delivered--thankful for the people around me. Emma, my assistant, seemed to be buried in her phone as she hid beneath the overhang of the CBS studio only a few yards away. Doing the first bit of promo with my album out was sure to be nerve-wracking, but I felt good about the fact that things between Margot and I were stable. At least--stable enough.

We were talking and texting like things were back to the way they were--before she was sad and distant.

James’ studio manager gave us cue to get started--James turned the key in the ignition and I pulled my door shut, I pointed two fingers at James to imply I’m watching you.

A voice came over the walkie-talkie that James had in the cupholder--giving us permission to pull out and turn right onto the busy road in front of us. It wasn’t my first time doing one of these with James--but it was my first without other people sat beside me in the car.

He did as we were told, and once we were on the road, mixed in with the lunch-time traffic, the voice inside the walkie-talkie let us know that cameras were now on and filming, we could start whenever we pleased.

James cleared this throat and adjusted in his seat, I gave him the thumbs up to let him know I was game. A few seconds of silence.

“Oh man, thank you so much for helping me get to work--I really, really appreciate it,” James had both hands on the wheel now, looking over to offer me a small smile.

“Thanks for the ride, s’my pleasure,” I nodded at him, wondering how long he’d take to get to it. I knew he planned on asking about the band--my new album, the movie, all of that. But I also knew that he’d tastefully weave in some questions about Margot. Whether or not he named it as such, I was yet to find out.

“The last time you were here, you were not alone in the car--and now you are, now you’re up front.”

“I was back middle,” I nodded, remembering the last time we did this--a stop for McDonald’s half way through as Liam got hungry.

“Yeah,” James said. “That’s right, you were right there, and now you’re right here, how d’ya feel?” He motioned to both spots in the car that I’d occupied, I took a second to look around in the front, appreciating the space I had now without Liam and Louis on either side of me.

“I feel like--uh--like I have more control over the buttons.”

“Over the air and stuff?”

“The buttons, yeah,” I laughed, gaining a laugh from James as he brought his eyes back to the road.

“I don’t know if you’re speaking on a different level--if the buttons, if you’re saying you’ve got more control over the buttons but the buttons are something deeper than just the buttons in the car.”

I laughed, nodding slightly as I picked up on his analogy. “Could be.”

I couldn’t help but notice that I felt more at ease than I’d felt in interviews for a long time--especially now that things seemed to be more concrete with Margot. The hardest part of interviews after we broke up was the uncertainty. What did I say? How did I manage to be pleasant when I was in a shit mood?

Releasing the album, having it out and streaming now felt a bit strange. The stories I told through lyrics and music were no longer just for me. And now, singing along to them in the car with James opened me up for a whole slew of questions I’d been rehearsing my answers to for a week.

He asked me what I’d been up to since I’d seen him last and he complimented the album, which felt exciting and nauseating at the same time. I wondered, for a second, if this is how Margot felt when she heard it for the first time.

He played a few songs and we chatted about what it’d been like to be making this album alone--without the safety net of a band of friends standing behind you. But I could tell, when he looked over at me, that he was about to go in for the kill.

“So people have heard the album now--have friends and family texted you to let you know they’ve listened and which song they like best?”

“Uh, yeah, I’ve gotten a few messages from people.”

“Right--and have you gotten word, I mean--let’s be real, people know there’s one person that this album really focuses on, yeah?”

I fought the smile on my face--letting my gaze float out the window as I plucked at my lower lip. “M’not sure what you mean.”

“Oh yeah, Harry, sure,” James laughed, causing me to readjust in the seat as I let out a laugh.

“Margot Jones, yeah? There’s been a lot of talk about your relationship with her and your break up and everything in between.”

“Mmm, mhm,” I nodded--hoping that some honesty would gain me credit or respect or something that would make James tone it down a notch or two. “Yeah--I think people will hear this album and wonder--y’know--if there are pieces about certain events or days or people. But the best part about making an album is really letting the music tell the story so you don’t have to.”

James’ eyebrows were raised, his eyes on me as we took a left turn. “Casual answer, Harry, really,” his laugh filled up the car, contagious enough that even I started giggling a bit--at least enough to relax.

“No but really--you’ve been seen out with Margot lately, which I think is quite the turn of events for folks who followed your relationship.”

I stared at him, somewhat surprised at the straightforwardness of his question, but also a bit impressed by his ability to play the clueless card. I always found that interesting when I did interviews with people I actually knew--people who were my friends.

When I came and saw James or did radio things with Nick, it was funny to hear them ask me questions in front of the camera that they already knew the answer to.

“Yeah--I mean, Margot’s a wonderful person, and it’s nice to spend time with someone who knows you so well.”

I didn’t know if that would cut it--I didn’t know if that was vague enough for Jeff’s liking or subtle enough for Margot’s.

“Fans really love to speculate about songs and lyrics and what’s about who. I think you could probably find twelve page essays online that detail,” he let out a laugh, I waited for him to spit it out, knowing full well where he was going. “That detail why each lyric is about her or about your relationship.”

“S’dedication, really,” I joked, picking up my water bottle to take a sip. Margot said that that was my tell. I’d reach for water or for something to do during an interview when I got a bit nervous. I pushed the thought out of my head.

“Y’should have pulled a Maroon 5--called it Songs About Margot,” He suggested, a cheeky grin on his face, which nearly caused me to spit the water out in my mouth .

“Yeah we threw the idea around actually,” I joked, running a hand through my hair as James pressed a button, another song coming out of the speakers.

We drove around like that for about an hour--singing and laughing and even switching shirts in an empty parking garage. We made our way back towards the studio, and once we arrived, I climbed out of the car and greeted Jeff with sunglasses over my eyes.

“Vague enough, yeah?”

Jeff shrugged, a smile on his face as he handed me my phone. I think he was just happy that I wasn’t so fucking miserable anymore.

“Hey,” James called from behind me, a woman tugged at his shirt to get his microphone loose. “Still on for dinner next week in London?”

“Absolutely,” I nodded. “You’re cooking for me, right?”

He rolled his eyes, appreciating my jokes as he handed the car keys to a production assistant. “Yeah right--naked beneath an apron and all.”

THEN - Day 1528

Being in Los Angeles wasn’t weird. Being here without Margot was.

I mean--I guess I couldn’t even say that. I’d been here plenty without her. Hell--the first few times we jetted all the way to the West Coast, I didn’t even know if she knew I existed.

But this was her turf--no matter where I was or who I was with, Los Angeles would always make me think of her. The exit on the freeway to get to the driveway where we met, the right turn down Sunset Boulevard to get to the studio where she’d filmed her show.

So now--sitting in an office on Selma Avenue felt like I was intruding on her territory.

I’d always wondered if I’d see her. Would I bump into her on a red carpet? Would she ever do events again? Would I see her at Niall’s wedding (if that ever happened)? I had no clue where she was at--both physically and emotionally, so I was left to wonder what on earth she did with her time in the city that seemed to belong to her.

Our meeting was over--I stood from the chair and hoped to god I could get some food into me before I had to go to whatever meeting I had next. Finishing the album brought forth a lot of conversations about money and planning and terms of agreement.

“Grab a burger?” Emma suggested, watching as I followed behind her towards the door. I reached into my pocket, fishing my phone out and checking the messages I’d received in the span of an hour and a half. One was from Mitch, the other from a friend, and two from my mom.

“Sounds delightful,” I said with a smile, listening as my publicist began to list good places nearby.

Jeff held his hand out to motion towards the door--ushering me back to the car that would be waiting outside. “There’s that place in the Roosevelt Hotel,” he reminded.

“That place has great fries,” Mark--the head of the artist relations spoke, following us into the hallway. “Good to see you, Harry, we’ll meet again in a few weeks once we get this finalized on our end.”

I shook his hand, offering a smile. “Thanks, of course, good to see you as well.”

I turned to follow them towards the main entrance, still distracted by the messages on my phone. I followed silently behind them, laughing at the picture my mum had sent of her cat in the garden, until suddenly, I lifted my eyes and saw her watching me with wide eyes.

My feet kept moving--mostly because Jeff’s were doing the same behind me. Emma was staring straight ahead--both of them likely just as surprised as I was.

Sinead seemed to knock into her from behind, lifting her eyes to connect with mine. Margot--whose hair looked darker and whose eyes seemed less sunken in--fell back into step quickly, almost as if she hadn’t faltered at all.

Jeff was in the middle of a sentence--something about what Mark had said and the car outside and suddenly his words were floating around in the hallway like they’d fade after a few minutes if I didn’t respond.

“Yeah, sounds good,” I said--unsure if my response was even appropriate or logical. I followed Emma out to the parking lot, and once the door was shut behind us, I turned to face Jeff.

Emma, who’d turned to face me, seemed to scan over my face to make sure I was okay.

“Is no one going to address that?” I asked, holding my palms up to encourage some kind of response from either of them. They both stared at me blankly. “Am I supposed to go back in there? Am I supposed to go address the fact that she’s here and we just saw each other and--”

“And say what?” Jeff asked, lifting his pointer finger to flick his sunglasses down over his eyes. “It’s been over a year.”

“I’m aware, Jeffrey,” I bit out, narrowing my eyes at him.

He’d long been a supporter of the Move On From Margot campaign--something that seemed to be a common theme among my friends and family and team.

“I’m not trying to be hard on her, okay? I just don’t want you to--” he cut himself off, letting his shoulders rise and fall as a car pulled up to deliver us to our next location. He opened the door and let Emma climb in first.

I faltered for a second--my eyes flickering back to the doorway. Was I supposed to do something? Was I supposed to talk to her?

“Don’t want me to what?” I prompted, the hum of the engine quieted when the car shifted into park.

“I don’t want you to move backwards. You’ve done so well since the New Year.” I let out a sigh, looking down at the ground before back up at him. “Let’s get lunch.”

I gave in then--I climbed into the car and watched as the building faded out of sight. I wondered why she was there and what she thought and did she notice that I cut my hair?

I pulled opened the message thread between us--the one that I’d saved and had yet to erase.

Her last message stared up at me.

I’m room 1432. Come by when you can.

I should have known then. I should have known when she got her own hotel room and asked me to come by. I should have known it was coming.

I let my thumbs hover over the keys, as if I had something to say or words to speak and emotion to show. After a few seconds of staring at those words--the last she’d sent me, I deleted the thread entirely.

THEN - Day 753

“Don’t even touch it, Liam,” Louis voice was louder than necessary, but my laughter seemed to drown out Harry’s groan as Niall pushed play on the laptop in my lap.

“I’ll touch whatever I want, thank you very much,” Liam replied calmly, watching as the screen turned from black to white, big text filling the screen that read Where We Are 2014.

Niall had decided he was going to document their tour--small clips from his phone, pictures we’d all taken, different footage of the five of them goofing around started to play as Zayn shoved Louis so he could get a better look.

The tour was almost over--mine had ended two weeks prior--so we were officially set up to be on the same continent for a little over two months. And it was moments like these, really, that made the traveling and the distance worth it.

A photo of Liam and I with giant sombreros flashed across the screen, followed by a clip of the night that Harry caught 29 goldfish in his mouth when he demanded I throw them and we try to set a world record.

Harry--who’d been more emotional than usual--was reluctant to even watch. He knew that the end of tour always made him a bit nostalgic, and while that was more than okay with me, he didn’t necessarily love the teasing that came from the rest of the boys.

I sat next to him on the floor of the green room, my back up against the couch as we all stared at the laptop that Niall had lugged around all summer. Lou and Paul were watching on as well, and Harry’s hand on my thigh felt like a good reminder that even when I had bad days, I had the people beside me to bring me back down to earth.

I wondered, when I was on the road with them, if it would have been easier to do all of this with a band. Would there be less stress if the fame had been spread amongst three or four other girls? Would I have more fun if I had friends with me on stage, people to walk red carpets with?

Sure, I’d somehow become a package deal with his band, often attending events together and even walking red carpets as if I was just part of the group--but did I stand a better chance as a part of a whole?

The truth was that I’d never know, and while there were certainly perks to being in a group, there were also drawbacks. I saw the way the boys would fight. I saw the angry text messages and the cold stares after a disagreement the night before.

I saw what it was like to be stuck around the same five people--literally in the same ten foot vicinity with the same five people--for months on end. I saw the way that they were sad to leave tour, but also thankful for their own bed that wasn’t just a meter below someone else’s.

“Oh, Liam--the cutest little grin,” Zayn laughed, his accent thick as he reached up to pinch Liam’s cheeks.

I think these were the moments when we all questioned what life would be like had it turned out any other way. How would things be for them if they weren’t a group? What would happen if there were three or four instead of five? Changes within our little world felt like they’d rock the boat to a sea where we couldn’t sail.

“You look fucking wasted there, Harry,” Louis laughed, his finger pointing to the screen--a picture of Harry and Liam with their arms around each other in a parking lot told me (based on the grin on Harry’s face both in the photo and in the present moment) that he likely was.

There were pictures of them in various airports--embarrassing photos of me asleep on a couch in Milwaukee, and even photographic evidence that I’d beaten Niall in a game of ping pong once in Madrid.

I watched as they all stared at the screen--and I couldn’t help but wonder if they ever had the same thoughts as me. Did they feel as suffocated? Did they wonder what it’d be like to quit or move or just not wake up?

Maybe they did--maybe they had their days where they wondered if this was all meant to be. But the hardest part was the fact that I knew I couldn’t ask. If I did--I might feel even more alone.

NOW - Day 1720

Nathan was sat at the board as my voice filled the headphones. I watched his face--wondering if he thought the vocal was good enough to keep.

He tapped his foot to the beat, the watch on his wrist (a gift from his wife in 2014 when we’d finished my last album) caught the light from the window as he shifted in his seat and sighed.

Making music felt good. It felt natural and normal and in a way, it felt healing. It felt comforting to reflect on the feelings that had once sat so heavy on my chest--even if they weren’t completely gone. Amanda said it was therapeutic--almost like retelling my story and reprocessing the memories, except this time, I knew the ending.

I knew that Harry was back and that I was okay and that now--even with the anxious feeling that was never too far away--I knew I could handle it.

My voice faded from the headphones in my ears--we’d only recorded a verse and the first chorus.

“I think that’s good,” he said, looking up at me. “Let’s do the second verse and see how we feel later tonight.”

I stood from my seat beside him, ready to head back into the booth.

“Did you tell Harry you’re here today?”

I turned around once I was inside, the glass window separating us as I reached for the new set of headphones to play my feedback. “Yeah--but, I don’t know what he thinks I’m recording.”

“What do you mean?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t think he knows that I’m recording stuff from back then.”

All of the songs we’d worked on so far--the titles written on post it’s that were now stuck to the wall--were my side of things. Maybe not as blatant, maybe not as literal and direct--but they were my version of the same story that Harry had already told.

And when I thought about it like that, I got angry. With Harry on the other side of the world for his promo and press tour and me in a studio in Calabasas, I felt like it wasn’t fair that he got to do it first.

Especially because his side of things didn’t exactly feel true.

I’d spoken with Amanda about how it all felt: the fact that I was the bad guy in his story and he was the one who was helpless and hopeless and had nowhere to turn.

Whether or not things felt okay between me and Harry--whether or not he was starting to call me lovie again and whether or not we were sleeping together, I couldn’t help but wonder if a part of him was angry and hurt and wanted me to pay for what I did.

“Are you gonna tell him?”

I sighed at that--I hadn’t moved beyond the thoughts of how do I communicate with someone I’m sleeping with but who doesn’t have the same label he used to have but is currently on the other side of the planet?

“I’ll tell him eventually. I mean--he’ll hear it eventually.”

Nathan let out a laugh, his lips pursing together as he nodded. “I mean--don’t dish it if you can’t take it, right?”

NOW - Day 1727

I guess it was Harry’s way of showing he was dedicated.

Hillary had an opening on a day that he wasn’t in town--in fact, he was in Barcelona in a hotel room sitting on a king-sized bed. But his face was on the screen of my laptop, situated next to me on the couch in Hillary’s office as she let out a laugh.

“Can you hear us? If you miss anything we say, just raise your hand.”

“Got it,” he smiled, the corners of his lips twitched upward as he looked from Hillary and then to me.

It’d be fine so far. Fine enough in the sense that I was keeping busy with Nathan and dodging the media, and Harry was busy doing everything in front of the media to promote the album. Amanda had suggested I tell him a bit more--tell him that there was a part of me that was angry about the album. A part of me that was tormented over the thought that he’d slept with someone else.

And most importantly, she said, that I tell him about my plans to release the songs I was working on with Nathan in the same studio where I’d recorded my album that won a Grammy for Album of the Year.

It’s not that the songs were harsh: they weren’t necessarily accusatory or spiteful or anything like that. Instead, they were honest. They told my version of 2015 and 2016 and Harry might not like it.

But did he have the right? Did he have the right to be upset about my side of the story if I had to grin and bear it about his? I didn’t say a thing. I didn’t tell him when I got DMs from people attacking me for breaking his heart. I didn’t let him know that I had bookmarked a few articles from the NYT and the Post about how his album seems to really put the nail in the coffin of our relationship.

Because after all, how could we salvage anything after he told the entire world how everything was my fault?

I knew I needed to tell him--I knew the good of our relationship rested on the assumption that we would be nothing but honest. Which, realistically, probably meant that I had a few things to come clean about. The songs. My feelings about his album. The stomachache I got when I opened my social media accounts--still with nothing new posted since 2015--to see messages and comments calling me an attention whore and a bitch and just about everything in between.

“So--how has the distance been so far?” Hillary asked, her eyes flicking between the both of us as she waited to see who would answer. Harry seemed quiet, his eyes insinuating (even through a computer screen) that he wanted me to talk first.

“Good, I guess. We’ve talked a fair amount.”

Hillary nodded, her eyes moving to the computer screen quickly.

“Yeah--” Harry shrugged. “Despite the time difference we’ve talked on the phone every day.”

“How are you both feeling about being apart?”

Again, Harry’s eyes were on me. I wondered--for a second--if there was a part of him that just wanted to hear all of my thoughts and feelings out of fear that he wouldn’t get access to them if we weren’t in this room.

“Uh--I kind of feel, like, stressed, I guess.” The words felt rocky--it felt new and strange to be speaking honestly in front of him.

“What feels stressful?” Hillary prompted me to say more--I shifted in the seat and looked over to Harry. I knew the drill--she was asking me to speak more directly to him and use ‘I’ statements.

“I feel like I got left behind while you’re out having fun doing all sorts of album stuff. I don’t know if that makes sense,” I said quickly, looking to Hillary for some reassurance.

His eyebrows dipped together in the center of his forehead, but he nodded--apparently urging me to continue.

I took a deep breath and bit at my lip before saying more. “I guess I’m a little angry that I got painted like the bad guy. I know I already said that and you’re just telling your side of it, but there’s been a lot of backlash.”

“Backlash?”

“Yes, Harry, backlash.”

He tugged at his lip and looked off screen for a second. “How so?”

“On social media and online and stuff,” I shrugged, a little annoyed that he was clueless. “People are just really going at it--a lot of your fans are angry at me for the way things went down.”

“Well--they don’t know the whole story.”

“But they think they do. They think your album is the whole story.”

He was quiet at this. Hillary leaned back in her chair and adjusted her ponytail. Apparently she was pleased with our communication, whether or not it was emotional.

“What are they saying?”

“That I’m a bitch and that I didn’t care about you. I mean--none of that is new, I knew they felt that way when we broke up. But I didn’t see it all. I wasn’t looking online.”

“So--should you not look?” He asked the question innocently enough, but it irked me as I brushed a strang of hair behind my ear.

“It’s not that simple, Harry.”

“Margot--I don’t know what to tell you. This is why I warned you--I wanted you to know it was coming and I wanted you to be prepared.”

“I know,” I said, suddenly feeling guilty for my emotions. I knew he did it to be nice--I knew that his good nature is the reason we were even here--in couples counseling like some kind of lifetime movie.

“You have to understand though that it’s hard to be silent right now when you’re out there in the spotlight telling a story that doesn’t feel true.”

“Margot,” Hillary interrupted, her eyes narrowed a bit. “I’m wondering if you could tell me how it feels to be stuck here--especially if you’re not getting to tell your side of things right now.”

I took a deep breath--Harry let out a sigh and I searched for the words in Hillary’s cozy office.

“I feel abandoned, sort of. I feel left behind and forgotten and I guess angry. And I feel like I’m in trouble for doing something wrong when I didn’t do anything.”

Harry’s face scrunched at that. Apparently he disagreed.

“Harry?” Hillary turned to the computer. “What’s it feel like to hear Margot say all of that.”

“S’confusing,” he shrugged. “I feel accused now, I guess. I didn’t abandon her or forget her. I’m just working. She--of all people--should know what that’s like.”

I rolled my eyes--annoyed at his passive aggressive tone.

Hillary tried again. “But do you feel any other way other than accused?”

He licked his lips and thought for a second. The hotel room was dark behind him--I wondered what time it was and what time he had to be awake. A feeling of appreciating washed over me. He wasn’t perfect. He certainly wasn’t flawless and completely free of blame--but at least he was trying.

And that gave me hope. Hope for the future of us and for the future of whatever it was between us. In this awkward stage post break-up, we moved like figurines, cracked and fragile and worried about the damage that could ensue with just a few words.

I couldn’t help but resent that, though. Because here, sitting in Hillary’s office, with Harry transported in through pixels and WiFi, he was ignoring the fact that he’d written an entire album about our the time we shared and the time we then tried to forget. He was sitting here as if he hadn’t put me on blast and opened up our story to the criticism of the whole world. Something about it felt unfair.

So sure--maybe I was angry. Maybe I was angry that I was stuck in California wondering what he did in Barcelona today--similarly to the last 18 months. Maybe I was angry because all of the polarized feelings felt rushed and fleeting and I didn’t really know what to do or say next in the neverending psychodrama of my relationship with Harry.

But I knew one thing for sure: if he got to tell his side of the story, I got to tell mine.

#udos #Harry styles fanfic #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfiction #Harry Styles Fan Fiction #harry styles fiction #harry styles writing #harry styles imagine #harry styles blurb #Harry Styles #one direction fan fic #one direction fan fiction #one direction fanfiction #one direction fanfic #1dff

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daily5sosupdate · 6 years

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In the midst of a sea of screaming girls and iPhones dancing in the air, I find myself at a 5 Seconds of Summer gig at Heaven, London. A high energy experience, leaving me with catchy chorus after catchy chorus stuck in my head that simply won’t leave. Fast forward one day and I’m chilling with the boys - Luke Hemmings, Calum Hood, Ashton Irwin, and Michael Clifford - in a hotel room. The crowds of girls have shifted from the full venue of last night to the streets outside the London Edition Hotel - patiently waiting, just in case they get a glimpse of the Australian pop-punk band. I admire the positivity and don’t dear tell them the likelihood of seeing the guys is slim, as I know they have a hectic day of back-to-back interviews and are already running behind schedule. When I walk into the hotel room, I see the guys laying flat on the sofa and large bed in the suite. This is chilled attitude at its finest. I like them immediately.

They’ve grown up. No longer teenage boys, but young men in their twenties. After a couple of years away, the band is now back with their third album, Youngblood', which released 15th June. Having had some time to settle in new homes, time away from life on the road and time to live a little - they've had a chance to mature and develop personally as well as musically. They explain that this third album is the most accurate and vulnerable version of 5 Seconds of Summer their audience have been able to see yet, and are excited to share it and for people to hear it.

The band's new look and attitude is more mature and they seem comfortable in their own skin, having learned a lesson or two from last round. Allowing themselves to take some time to live a little and embrace a few life experiences and challenges, the lyrics we are served in this album go a little deeper and feel even more honest. And although we’re still given a high energy experience with 'Youngblood’, songs like ‘Ghost of You’ really tickles the curiosity in a wonderfully cinematic way, and ‘Why Won’t You Love Me’ surprisingly understands the broken heart in you. If their first single release from the album 'Want You Back’ is anything to go by, their audience really does want them back - having already received millions of streams across online platforms. And my ears still ringing from all the screaming experienced during last night’s gig also support this.

”Come to bed”, Luke signals to Calum, as we prepare to capture the second setup of images. I didn’t expect the guys to be so honest, but within the hour I have with them, there is authenticity, honesty and vulnerability. And it is this authenticity and honest experience of life that makes ‘Youngblood’ an exciting release.

I’ve been pondering over what your band name means.

Luke: Let me guess. Does the first one relate to English summers?

Yes, but I have a few theories I'd love to throw at you. Is it that summers are really short here or perhaps on a deeper level that life is really short? Or it is basically just a big cry for help... five times?

Calum: haha yes, definitely the last one!

I knew it. You guys, you broke up with us a few years ago, and now you want us back?!?

Calum: Yep. Very much so…. (laughs)

Luke: You know, it’s been a rough break-up, I think it’s the time where exes can get back together and we can be happy. We’ll be good together.

Calum: At the end of 2016 after we had toured our second album around the world, we took a couple of months to ourselves and regathered everything, we built personal lives for ourselves and found homes. Then we wrote the third album, so that’s where we’ve been, really.

You’ve had a chance to spend some time doing separate things in Los Angeles, simply living and finding new creative inspiration so you can come back with something new and exciting. Now, three years after your last album release, you are finally releasing a new album ‘Youngblood’ 22nd of June. Tell me a little bit about what you have been up to and how this album feels different for you guys?

Luke: The third album is different, because it feels like the first album for us where we have our own stamp musically, lyrically, and aesthetically - we are totally 100% us. We are now in our twenties and have been doing this for almost seven years, and this is our third album. Not to discredit the first two, but we were 16 when we wrote the first album and 18-19 on the second album, which is when you’re figuring yourself out. We were all songwriting on those albums as well, but I think we really concentrated on the songwriting in this third album. Also living in separate places in Los Angeles, where we are based now, this made it quite different, as well as with the added experience of being in and out of relationships, coming off five years of touring and figuring all that out. Based on all that we wrote a new album.

Calum: I think for me, it’s just more relative. During this album, I fell in love with a different dimension of music, and as Luke said, we really took time to really immerse ourselves into our personal lives, so we could create something that was special for us and special for other people. Which is kind of so personal to have something so broad.Luke: Yeah, it felt like we were starting again when we went to make the third album.

Was that a good feeling or a scary feeling?

Luke: It was terrifying at the start, 'cause you have to go in and try a bunch of new stuff. Most of the time it doesn’t work, or you’ll get glimpses of; ‘oh, this is really cool, and then the next week you think it doesn’t sound quite right anymore. And it was actually how we found a direction where we felt it was exactly where we wanted to go. So it was scary for a while, and then rewarding, as things are when you take a bunch of risks.

Calum: There were a bunch of failed attempts. They are almost heartbreaking, 'cause you put so much energy and emotional property into something - and to see if not make sense or not connect with you as you as much as you thought it would is tough. There was a lot of starting again.

I think art in itself is all about failing, trying things, growing, and finding your path.

Calum: Definitely.

You guys had an intimate gig at Heaven, London yesterday, which had a lot of energy. I had a listen to your new album, 'Youngblood', this morning, and although it’s still very feel-good and catchy chorus after catchy chorus - it feels like you guys are in a different and more mature space?

Michael: I think it’s in a different space, but it also remains true to where we’ve been. It’s a departure in a sense, and it feels like a new band, but if you’ve been a fan of our band for a while, you’ll be able to hear it as the same band. It’s been an awesome process of finding different ways to make it feel super fresh, but to also make it feel like it’s still true to the music we’ve made before.

In ‘Young Blood’ the songs still centre around love, but this time it feels like the lyrics go a little deeper and more mature, having experienced that love, perhaps, is not always that easy. So for me, as a more mature audience, it felt like I could connect with the songs in a different way.

Michael: We were young and so full of energy - we were so excited, which really translated into our music. The type of bands we looked up to were bands that made you feel good when you listened to them. and I think it took us a while to figure out how to translate that energy of feeling good into music where we could sing about real things and stuff that isn’t always positive - but it still has the essence of what makes you feel good. Like crying, crying feels fucking great!

Yes, do you guys cry?

Michael: I do, I’m a cryer.

Luke: In the first album, as well as now, that’s still our thing - that it’s an escape for people, and it’s always a good time at our show. You can only write about what’s happening to you. With the first album, we were young and didn’t have much life experience, and in this third album, it shows growth as you try to find yourself.

Calum: For five years we didn’t have a home and there was no sense of reality, so when we took a break, it was hard for us 'cause we had no life, really. It was just the band on the road, so when we stopped in one place it was almost like a rude awakening for us.

Luke: It also gives you more perspective doing that, cause in the second album, like Calum said, at the end of the day what we did for all that time is a beautiful thing, and we’d never have it any other way. You look back and you wonder how it’s even possible. But when you’re in the middle of it, lyrics like in “I’ve Got A Jet-black Heart” on the second album, that’s a very confused man. And then you stop somewhere like we did, and you go write an album again, there is always a lot of melancholy, and I feel like especially on this album it’s very light and dark. It has the darkness, but with a realistic approach, like you mentioned before, the lyrics.

Michael: Yeah, and I think we figured out how to write lyrics that you personally could connect with and lyrics that could be more ambiguous. I don’t like questions like; ‘who is this song about’, 'cause I feel like it ruins the whole mystery of what a song is.

The first two albums you were teenagers and you’re now in your twenties. What have you learned during these years since we last saw you on stage, and have you become men yet?

Calum: If that’s referring to me having chest hair now, then yes. We’ve become men in that way, haha.

Luke: It’s lovely, I think you just get better at it as you go. This has been a pretty gruelling five weeks, but you learn that you can’t go out and drink every night and then get up and do twelve hours of promo and then play a show. We learned that pretty quickly.

Haha, well done, well learned.

Luke: I mean, taking care of yourself and knowing why maybe sometimes you are not feeling good and like you just want to tell everyone in the room to fuck off, and knowing why that is a feeling you’re having, that’s important. Otherwise, you’re just very confused and you write lyrics like 'Jet-black Heat, I supposed.

Calum: It’s a slippery slope, haha. Since the last album, I think, as a band we have learned self-worth. We’ve learned confidence in our ability, we’ve learned to trust our own judgement, and I think we’ve learned responsibility as well. We really took this album, drove it ourselves and we made it what it is.

The lead single, ‘Want You Back’, from the new album has had over 55 million streams worldwide since released in February this year. If that’s an indicator of how people feel about the new release, how do you feel about that?Luke: I think it’s one bagillion maybe?

Calum: Us releasing new music has made people be really interested in it, 'cause I think people were wondering what we were going to do next. Our fans and also people in the music industry, everyone was curious about why we took such a long break and what we were gonna come back with. I think 'I Want You Back' is not really what people were expecting, but what you are hearing is the most honest version of 5 Seconds of Summer.

Michael: Lyrically it feels like we’ve found our place. Melodically it feels like we’re sitting right in the pocket of where 5 Seconds of Summer was meant to be.

With such vulnerability, is that scary or exciting having added more of yourself into this new album?

Luke: I think the second album was the same level of vulnerability, the third album is just more personable where it’s about very every day things. I guess what I’m trying to say is that all of our stuff feels very vulnerable to me, but the third album is more about everyday things - more life things. Comfortability and vulnerability. It’s like we’re not whining about it as much, haha.

Michael: Every album we’ve put out we have put our hearts and souls into and made it exactly what we want it to be, and I feel that we were quite hindered by that because of our age and our life experience - with this album it’s been purely correct.

Are you guys curious which songs on the new album I connected the most with?

Luke: I’m curious, can I guess?

Yes, please, there are two.

Luke: Can I get some background info first?

No…

Luke: Ok, it’s gonna be one of these three: 'Light of Me', 'Youngblood' and 'Ghost of You'.

One is correct! The last one.

Luke: 'Ghost of You'? I knew it.

I’m a ballad girl and 'Ghost of You' is probably the one that intrigued me the most, because I was like: “what is this about”. It has a really cinematic feel to it. This is the kind of song that will make you cry when you’re watching a movie.

Michael: Yeah, that’s my favourite song of the record as well.

Luke: I’m really glad you like that song.

I felt like it really gave me as a listener the space to try to figure out what the story was. And another one that I really connected with, as it fits right in with my own non-existing love-life, was 'Why Won’t You Love Me'. It just feels me, you know what I mean?

Luke: Ahh! Yeah. That’s interesting, 'cause 'Why Won’t You Love Me' is the oldest song on the third album. This song was written two years ago.

Is that coming from you, Luke? Is it your pain I’m connecting with?

Luke: Maybe. It puts me sitting in a plane looking out the window thinking; “Fuck, wish I wasn’t leaving.” That’s interesting, I wouldn’t have guessed that one.

I know right, but as I said I’m a ballad person.

Michael: Aren’t we all? A good cry with a ballad.

Calum: Not discrediting you, but I mean, I love a good ballad.

But there are also a lot of really high energy, upbeat tracks with catchy choruses on the album. Michael: There are actually fewer ballads on this album than our other ones, which is interesting because I think we found a place to make it feel more ballady - how to make high energy songs feel more ballady in a way.

If we strip back the feel-good energy music you project on stage and take off the masks you wear, what are we left with? I like to go deep and dark.

Michael: I think we’re pretty similar to what you see. Doing promo for the first two records, we thought that we had to be super chipper.

Luke: Chipper? haha

Michael: Yeah; "We just have so much fun and we’re all best friends." Going into this third album, it’s exhausting to do that and I don’t think it’s that interesting to people if people look at us and think; “Look at them, they’re all having so much fun and they’re always in the best moods and they’re always best friends”. I think it’s better for us to be able to have dimensions to us and see that we’re not always gonna be in the best mood, and that’s why sometimes you’ll watch an interview and you’ll see one of us just sitting there not saying anything.

It’s more realistic, isn’t it?

Michael: Yeah, and that’s the whole thing with the album. I think it’s really important that we have dimensions.

Michael, I know that you went through a bit of a depression, and I'd love to touch on that if that's ok? It’s always inspiring when someone like you are vulnerable enough to talk about issues of mental health and how you deall with this. It helps the rest of us when we have shit days, like all of us do.

Michael: Yeah, I think when that came out I was in a really tough period of my life, where I was learning different things about myself. I valued myself so little that I would let myself be hurt and fall into these bad patterns. It was a rough couple of months, and then I met my girlfriend and she really helped me get out of that place. Being in a band is so tough, doing this can be so hard, and it’s a massive weight off me to even have that spoken about. It was cool to talk about something real and something that actually mattered - something that felt like it had substance.

I talk to a lot of guys, and so many young men struggle with mentall health. I think it's important to bring some of these discussions to the surface. What would you say to them on what you can do when you do feel down?

Michael: The way I helped myself was just being honest with myself and being aware. The main thing is, if you can, to see yourself from an outside perspective. You have to look at it from an unbiased opinion of what is happening to you and why you feel the way you do. That’s the whole point of therapy, it’s basically to have someone else on the outside you can to get an unbiased opinion. And if you can’t do therapy, then at least try and have the guts to look at it and not feel emotional about it. Obviously, that’s super hard for anyone, but that was what helped me.

Thank you for sharing that. You guys have been awesome, thank you for being so honest with me. Just to round off everything, you’re now starting this journey again with your third album - what are you the most excited about this time around?

Luke: I’m excited for fans and anyone else who listens to see where we are at in our lives. Sometimes people see you where you’ve been in the past, and I’d love for people to see where we are at today.

Calum: Yeah, I’m also excited to update people on where we are now. I’m excited to release music that is relative to us now. I'm excited to go see as many people as we can on this tour. I’m excited to play new songs live. I’m just excited in general.

Michael: It feels like the beginning of a new life, if that makes sense. When we’ve been touring the world with what we have released in the past, it has felt like it was quite separate from now. Now, it feels like we’ve grown up and we’re comfortable in where we are in our lives.

You can now take in their third album ‘Youngblood’ which releases 22nd June 2018.

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sos3 #press #boys by girls #21 june 2018

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crowdvscritic · 5 years

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crowd vs. critic // BEST OF THE DECADE (2010s)

Well, people, I tried. I really tried to whittle down the decade to 100 movies or fewer just like a good little Best of Decade list does, but here we are. That is, here we are at 144.

Maybe it’s because movies have meant so much to me this decade. When I graduated from high school in 2010, I loved John Hughes and Audrey Hepburn, but since then, film has cemented itself as my favorite art form. A few highlights in this journey:

Taking film classes at Taylor University, including a trip to the Sundance Film Festival in 2013

Writing for ZekeFilm starting in 2016

Writing about every new movie I watched in 2016

Watching classic movies while podcasting about Gilmore Girls pop culture references

Discovering my love for Turner Classic Movies, including taking their online summer course “Mad About Musicals”

Watching every movie nominated for Best Picture in 2014, 2016, 2018, and 2019

Beginning a slow (very slow) but sure trek through every Best Picture winner in history

And, oh yeah— starting this little blog!

I left Snow White and The Huntsman wishing someone would review it considering how fun it was even though it wasn’t a great art. Then I thought, what if that person was me? I hope my writing and critical analysis has grown since then, but I still ask the same questions about every movie I’ve watched since then: What is the popcorn potential? What is the artistic taste?

This decade I also spent July Friday nights watching outdoor movies on Art Hill, hosted annual Oscars watch parties with dear friends, attended my first midnight premiere (The Hunger Games), paid extra for the reclining seats to celebrate my first job (Interstellar), and found a laugh break with my whole family during a stressful summer (Ant-Man and the Wasp).

So here’s a small tribute to the time I spent watching, discussing, and reading and writing about movies I watched these 10 years: 72 Crowd picks and 72 Critic picks. They’re the 144 films that moved me, made me laugh, or made the biggest impact on me, and they’re the ones I recommend most from the 2010s.

Crowd-Pleasers of the 2010s

1. 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016) – An acting tour de force you’ll still be thinking about days later. (#JohnGoodmanForBestSupportingActor) Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

2. The Age of Adaline (2015) - The color palette and costumes are dreamy, and the romance taking a back seat to Adaline’s personal growth is refreshing. On my Best of 2015.

3. Austenland (2013) – “This movie is for two kinds of people: people who love Jane Austen and people who think Jane Austen fans are funny.” – A paraphrased director Jerusha Hess. On my Sundance 2013 lineup. On my Best of 2013.

4. Ant-Man (2015) – All hail, Paul Rudd and his ability to make us care about ants. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2015.

5. Avengers: Endgame (2019) - An impossibly satisfying conclusion that seemed impossible when Iron Man came out in 2008. A peak in the superhero subgenre as well as ensemble films, action flicks, sci-fi adventures, and time travel comedies. On my Best of 2019.

6. Baby Driver (2017) – If you forced me to pick my favorite on this entire list, here you go. A modern musical that lights up every spark in my brain. On my Best of 2017.

7. Beauty and the Beast (2017) – My favorite of the Disney live action remakes. On my Best of 2017.

8. Before We Go (2014) – I’m a sucker for Boy-Meets-Girl-and-They-Talk-All-Night stories, and this one’s an aesthetic dream. Excellent pick if your flight is cancelled and you’re stuck in an airport for nine hours.

9. The Big Sick (2017) – You’ll fall in love with the treasure Kumail Nanjiani. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2017.

10. Black Panther (2018) – WAKANDA FOREVER. On my Best of 2018.

11. Central Intelligence (2016) – No complaints from me when the Rock and Kevin Hart team up. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

12. Colossal (2016) – The best quasi-superhero movie no one talked about this decade. On my Best of 2017.

13. Crazy Rich Asians (2018) – Three cheers for Awkwafina! On my Best of 2018.

14. Creed (2015)

15. The Dark Knight Rises (2012) – Controversial Movie Corner: My favorite of The Dark Knight trilogy.

16. Finding Dory (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

17. Frozen II (2019) – Controversial Movie Corner: Better than the original.

18. Fury (2014)

19. Game Night (2018) - Come for the sharp jokes, stay for the clever heist plotting and a hilarious ensemble. On my Best of 2018.

20. Ghostbusters (2016) – I had the option to rewatch this or the 1984 version for Halloween this year, and I chose to laugh through this one. FYI, the extra 15 minutes in the extended version make a difference. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

21. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) – Another modern musical. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

22. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

23. Home Again (2017) – Made of pure charm. Read ZekeFilm review.

24. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013) The best of the best dystopian YA adaptation series this decade. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2013.

25. I Feel Pretty (2018)

26. Inception (2010)

27. The Intern (2015) – Insanely rewatchable. On my Best of 2015.

28. Interstellar (2014)

29. Juliet, Naked (2018) – On my Best of 2018.

30. Jurassic World (2015) – Doesn’t hold up to scrutiny on second watch, but a big spectacle on a big screen. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2015.

31. The Kings of Summer (2013) – My favorite from Sundance 2013. On my Best of 2013.

32. Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014) – A course-correction of tired spy movie clichés. On my Best of 2015.

33. Knives Out (2019) – On my Best of 2019.

34. Kong: Skull Island (2017) – Very rewatchable. Very relistenable soundtrack.

35. Late Night (2019)

36. The Lego Movie (2014) – I didn’t choose this movie, but I laughed so hard I forgave my friends for dragging me to it.

37. Letters to Juliet (2010) – Very corny. Very rewatchable for its Italian countryside setting.

38. Logan Lucky (2017) – Channing Tatum, Adam Driver, and Daniel Craig at their funniest. On my Best of 2017.

39. The Magnificent Seven (2016) – Sometimes you just want to see a bunch of movie stars tearing it up. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

40. Mary Poppins Returns (2018) – One of the most successful movies on this list because it knows exactly what it wants to be and then is that. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2018.

41. The Maze Runner (2014) – Let’s just forget those sequels ever happened.

42. Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation (2015) – Fallout got the most attention, but I prefer the squad in this sequel. Bonus points for Jeremy Renner. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2015.

43. Moana (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

44. Monte Carlo (2011) – Wanderlust satisfied because it takes inspiration from Golden Hollywood fairy tales like Roman Holiday.

45. Morning Glory (2010)

46. The Muppets (2011) – Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh.

47. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (2016) – Even bigger, fatter, and Greeker than the original. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

48. Ocean’s Eight (2018) – The real heist? Eight funny ladies taking turns stealing every scene. On my Best of 2018.

49. Passengers (2016) - A near-perfect popcorn flick. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2016.

50. Paper Towns (2015) – Love me some Nat Wolff with an indie pop soundtrack.

51. Prometheus (2012) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

52. A Quiet Place (2018) – Where the best of commercial and critical filmmaking come together. On my Best of 2018.

53. Ready or Not (2019)

54. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013) – Another entry in the Wanderlust Canon.

55. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012) – Imperfect, but sticks the landing.

56. Shazam! (2019) – Read ZekeFilm review.

57. Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011) – Charismatic movie stars + flashy cinematography = A great time at the theatre (even when the projector fails in the middle of your screening and you have to start over).

58. The Spectacular Now (2013)

59. Spider-man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)

60. Spy (2015) – I still can’t believe how much I laughed at this.

61. Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) – The best Star War since 1980. On my Best of 2017.

62. Super 8 (2011)

63. Tangled (2010) – Controversial Movie Corner: Better than both Frozens.

64. Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

65. Toy Story 3 (2010)

66. Warm Bodies (2013) – Who knew a zom rom com would become one of my go-to comfort foods? Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2013.

67. Wonder Woman (2017) – Anyone else almost cry in that No Man’s Land scene? On my Best of 2017.

68. World War Z (2013) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2013.

69. X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) – Why I’d pick the X-Men over the Avengers most days. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

70. Yesterday (2019) – You know a movie captures its audience when most stay through the credits to sing “Hey Jude.” On my Best of 2019.

71. Zombieland: Double Tap (2019) – Hello, my name is Taylor, and I declare Woody Harrelson a national treasure. Read ZekeFilm review.

72. Zootopia (2016) – Creatively and socially sharp. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

Critic Picks of the 2010s

1. 12 Years a Slave (2013) – There’s no beauty or redemption in this chapter of America’s story, but the beauty of this is it restores humanity to millions denied it in their lifetimes. Read ZekeFilm review.

2. 20 Feet From Stardom (2013) – On my Sundance 2013 lineup. On my Best of 2013.

3. 1917 (2019) – Who needs suplots? Or more than one camera? On my Best of 2019.

4. Ad Astra (2019) – Prayerful poetry + one of Brad Pitt’s best performances. On my Best of 2019.

5. American Sniper (2014)

6. Argo (2012) – CIA work: It’s just like makin’ a movie! Read ZekeFilm review.

7. Arrival (2016) - The best Hollywood has to offer. I left wishing I felt this way after every film. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2016.

8. The Artist (2011)

9. A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019) – On my Best of 2019.

10. Begin Again (2013) – Adam Levine singing in Begin Again > Adam Levine singing in Maroon 5. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

11. The Beguiled (2017) – Sofia Coppola = Queen. On my Best of 2017.

12. Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014)

13. Blade Runner 2049 (2017) – Don’t @ me—I like this better than the original. On my Best of 2017.

14. BlacKkKlansman (2018) – Just when you think this undercover investigation can’t get riskier, Spike Lee finds another way to send your blood pressure rising. On my Best of 2018.

15. The Bling Ring (2013) – Sofia Coppola = Still Queen.

16. Boyhood (2014)

17. Brooklyn (2015) – I think that Saorsie Ronan is goin’ places. On my Best of 2015.

18. Circles (2013) – Love me some symbolism. On my Sundance 2013 lineup. On my Best of 2013.

19. Dunkirk (2017) – The freshest take on World War II since Schindler’s List. On my Best of 2017.

20. Fences (2016) – Denzel Washington and Viola Davis bring issues of race, class, gender, marriage, and intelligence to life in a story as relevant today as in the 1950s. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2016.

21. First Man (2018) – On my Best of 2018.

22. Florence Foster Jenkins (2016) – More proof Hugh Grant is just the best. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2016.

23. First Reformed (2017) – I‘ve never heard a character pray in words so close to mine. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2018.

24. The Florida Project (2017) - For what this lacked in narrative momentum, it made up for in empathy. On my Best of 2017.

25. Get Out (2017) – I’m not one for horror, and I’m not one to watch the same film twice in one week, but this broke both of those rules. On my Best of 2017.

26. The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

27. Gravity (2013) – Maybe my favorite Sandra Bullock performance. On my Best of 2013.

28. Green Book (2018) – Read ZekeFilm review.

29. Hacksaw Ridge (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic review.

30. The Help (2011) – Prescient of the decade ahead for its soon-to-be-superstar cast and a story reminding white people they should probably just shut up and listen instead of thinking they have all the answers.

31. Hell or High Water (2016) – A modern Cain and Abel story. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2016.

32. Hidden Figures (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

33. I, Tonya (2017)

34. If Beale Street Could Talk (2018) – Controversial Movie Corner: My preferred Barry Jenkins of the decade. On my Best of 2018.

35. Inside Out (2015) – “There’s inductive reasoning, there’s déjà vu, there’s language processing, there’s déjà vu, there’s critical thinking, there’s déjà vu…” On my Best of 2015.

36. Jackie (2016) – Changed my perspective on Natalie Portman. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2016.

37. Jojo Rabbit (2019) – Shows not just how ugly hate is but how winsome it can appear. On my Best of 2019.

38. Joy (2015) – An important film at a hard time in my life. On my Best of 2015.

39. The King’s Speech (2010)

40. La La Land (2016) – Already one of the Great Musicals. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

41. The Last Black Man in San Francisco (2019) – Like a novel on screen. On my Best of 2019.

42. Les Misérables (2012)

43. Lincoln (2012)

44. The Light Between Oceans (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2016.

45. Lion (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2016.

46. Little Women (2019) – I don’t sob in every film, but one of the most realistic onscreen depictions of sisterhood will make me do it. On my Best of 2019.

47. Love & Friendship (2016) - Captures Jane Austen’s sardonic tone and her eye for silliness in social etiquette. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

48. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) – Bananas, but the best kind of bananas. On my Best of 2015.

49. Marriage Story (2019) – A divorce story I want every engaged couple to watch. An Adam Driver/Scarlett Johansson acting show I want every film lover to watch. On my Best of 2019.

50. The Martian (2015) – Of all the fantastic space stories this decade, this is the most feel-good. On my Best of 2015 list.

51. Midnight in Paris (2011) – Another entry into the Wanderlust Canon.

52. Midnight Traveler (2019) – A documentary that feels more like flipping through a family photo album than reading a newspaper. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2019.

53. Molly’s Game (2017) – Sorkin Part 1!

54. Moneyball (2011) – Sorkin Part 2!

55. mother! (2017) - Exactly zero people on Earth can explain what this story means, but I think we can all agree we don’t deserve Jennifer Lawrence. On my Best of 2017.

56. Mudbound (2017) – A Greek tragedy set in the Deep South. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2017.

57. Parasite (2019) – A Southern Gothic set in South Korea. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2019.

58. Philomena (2013)

59. The Post (2017) – Hanks. Spielberg. Streep. Need I say more? On my Best of 2017.

60. The Report (2019) - Solely included here for the performance from Adam Driver, who elevated this so much he became one of my favorite working actors by the credits. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2019.

61. Selma (2014)

62. Silver Linings Playbook (2012) – I’m ready for more J. Law and B. Coop team ups in the 2020s. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

63. Sing Street (2016) – Listen to “The Riddle of the Model” and you can thank me later. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2016.

64. The Social Network (2010) – Sorkin Part 3!

65. Spotlight (2015)

66. A Star Is Born (2018) – Sometimes a film is everything you hope it will be. On my Best of 2018.

67. The Theory of Everything (2014)

68. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017) – A needed dialogue with unexpected opportunities for redemption. On my Best of 2017.

69. Three Identical Strangers (2018) - Sucks you in with its stranger-than-fiction premise but keeps you because of its better-than-fiction characters. On my Best of 2018.

70. The Tree of Life (2011)

71. The Two Popes (2019) – On my Best of 2019.

72. Wind River (2017) – The story lead the way instead of its politics, which makes both more compelling. More of Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen in everything, please. On my Best of 2017.

Photo credits: All photos from IMDb.com.

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