#i hate everything to do with bureaucracy and i am actively losing money because of it

[williamrikers]

why am i like this

[katmstanton]

Fatherhood - Ch. 30

After a few fluffy chapters with “Fresh Start” I felt you guys needed some tears and angst again. Sorry for toying with your emotions as you read both! This one is a bit longer than normal as I did not want to cut it in half. 

Tags: @madpanda75 @mrsrafaelbarba @obfuscateyummy @sweetsummertime99 @julie-yard @esparza-army @dreila03 @ctfarhan @surrealdiaries @tiredrainbi @lyssa1385 @theoofoof @msnyc @imagine-rafaelbarba

Chapter 30:

“Mr. Barba, it’s good to see you again. Please, come in.” Dr. Miles stated as he allowed Rafael to enter his office for their weekly therapy session.

Langan had made sure Rafael had seen Dr. Miles immediately after the court hearing to help get the services started. Rafael agreed but only after Langan and Carisi discussed with him that if he wanted to fight for Jake to return to his and Olivia’s care at the next court hearing the following month he needed to show the court he had complied and did it timely and actively.

“Hmph.” Rafael grunted as he made his way into the dimly lit office before taking a seat in the loveseat opposite Dr. Miles.

As he sat he felt the air leave him once again. He knew what the doctor was going to want to discuss with him and he did not know if he had it in him or even if he wanted to open old wounds.

“Rafael, we have seen each other for what.. 3 or 4 weeks now? Why don’t we move to something a bit deeper?” Dr. Miles started as Rafael let out the remaining breathes he held.

“Tell me about your father.”

Rafael shuddered at the question and his already grumbly mood became worse as he twiddled his hands. He stayed still for what felt like an hour but he knew it only to be a mere few seconds.

Dr. Miles did not say or do anything during that time and instead watched him. He hated being watched like this, hated having to reopen wounds he had sealed so well with books and sarcasm.

In the end he took a shaky breath before speaking. He knew if he didn’t talk and didn’t participate it would mean the worst for Jake and he refused to allow that to happen.

“Mi padre era mi padre. He is not someone I allow take up my life. At least not anymore.” Rafael stated shortly.

“I would object, wouldn’t you? I would argue he has and still does “take up” your life. I want you to think about a memory you have of him and tell me what you feel.”

Rafael didn’t say anything and instead fiddled with his hands once again before allowing his mind to think back to his childhood. To the memories he had tried so hard to forget and never remember.

“Mami hice el equipo de debate!” Rafael exclaimed excitedly as he ran into the kitchen from school.

He had just started middle school and while he had Alex and Eddie to run the streets with he was far too eager to start working to become the next Judge.

It wasn’t until he turned the corner towards the living room that he saw it. The look on his mother’s face as his father stood over her with a hand out like he had just slapped her across the face.

“Debate team? Are you a wimp?” His father started as he turned towards him.

“Ningún hijo mío estará en un equipo de debate. Es hora de que te pongas de pie.”

His breath caught as he remembered just how his father’s ring felt across his face and how the welts and scabs from the belt left marks on his back and hip that he still had to this day.

“What do you feel, Rafael?”

“Fear. Sadness…” Rafael started as he kept his eyes shut trying to think of a happy memory to change the subject with no avail.

“Go on.”

“Anger. I am angry. No, I am furious. I was just a kid. A kid who had to watch his mother get beat and a kid who still has the welts and marks to this day.” Rafael stated through clenched teeth as his eyes stayed shut.

“Do you ever find that this anger boils over and causes harm to others?”

When Dr. Miles spoke Rafael’s eyes snapped open and with a glare filled with fire he eyed the doctor down before he spoke through clenched teeth.

“I am not my father. I would never lay a hand on my mother, on Olivia, on any woman. I would never allow my children to know the feeling of a belt or the feeling of their father’s anger and resentment towards them. I would rather die than put a hand on Jake and Noah.”

“I never said you would, Rafael. I only asked if your anger boils over and causes harm. You are the one who inferred I meant physical harm. Think about your words, your actions. Have you ever done or said something out of anger without thinking?”

Rafael knew what Dr. Miles was referring to and as he thought back to the first time he met Ms. Fields and Jake at his apartment.

“Our judge has ruled that Jacob is able to stay with you while the paternity test and legal paperwork is completed in order to officially transfer custody to you. That is, if you wanted him to stay here. If not, he will go back upstate with me and return to the group home.”  

Barba’s head snapped up at her with a look of pure hatred and vengeance. There was no way he would force Jacob back to a group home and back into a world of being an orphan. Whether or not Jacob was his biologically he knew Jacob deserved more in life than being bounced between homes and orphanages.

“He will stay here.”

Barba stared at her with fire in his eyes and all she could do was nod in agreement.

“The next availability for a DNA test isn't for another month -“

“-I’ll get it done here by Monday.” He interjected her.

“Mr. Barba, I know you are anxious to know the results but there is a process and we are not able to get it done before the scheduled time.” Ms. Fields replied getting annoyed at his attitude.

“Ms. Fields, I am the ADA for Manhattan. I work with the NYPD, FBI, and Homeland Security everyday. I do not need a lecture in government bureaucracy. I live it everyday.”

He knew he had been a bit angry at the situation and knew he tended to allow his words to cut people at their core. It was his speciality, always had been. It was how he worked his way to the ADA’s office and how he held such a high record as a lawyer. He knew exactly what to say and when to say it to cut the deepest.

He sighed as he replayed the exchange and the rest of the visit to Dr. Miles.

He spoke of how angry he was at finding out about Jake and that he never even knew about him.

He spoke of how Ms. Fields had made him angry by how she kept talking about money and costs when it came to Jake’s basis needs.

He spoke about how his heart shattered that evening as he sat in the quiet of the apartment listening to Jake move around in the night as he found himself not only as an individual but also as someone who was at yet another home.

“Rafael, you have come a long way since the days you remember when you think of your father. You have grown into a man who is more worried about a boy he didn’t even know was his or not than about allowing the anger take control and lash out. Although, you did say and do some things, you did not allow the anger to fully take over.”

As Dr. Miles spoke Rafael watched his thumbs as he twiddled with them for the hundredth time since entering the office that day.

It was something he did when he was nervous or when he was upset and had no idea when he started. The earliest memory of doing such was as a kid when he heard his father yelling or punching things.

“Rafael, I do not believe you have a true anger management problem.” Dr. Miles stated and Rafael’s eyes snapped to his in surprise.

Up until that point in his life many had attempted to label him “angry” when he had to discuss his father. His mother tried to get him to see someone after his passing but after one session he refused to go back.

The doctor had inferred he desired the chaos and that the reason why his father’s coma was hard on him was because he did not want to leave that time of his life. He had politely told the therapist to leave him alone as he spit words to him in spanish as he walked out, never to return.

Now, sitting in front of Dr. Miles, he was telling the same stories and working through the same issues and he had finally found someone who saw him as himself and not his father.

“You don’t?”

“No.” Dr. Miles stated as he sat his notepad beside him before leaning towards Rafael.

“Rafael, I believe, while yes you have a temper, you actually are suffering from a form of PTSD due to the abuse your father did to you as a child.”

“That’s crazy. I haven’t been to war or anything.” Rafael started to say before Dr. Miles cut him off.

“Rafael, I have been watching you at every session. Watching as you fiddle with your hands and how you react to certain things. Do you know what I have observed?”

He didn’t wait for an answer before continuing.

“You are calm and while you don’t want to be here you do participate. You talk about Jake, Olivia, and Noah and the struggles you deal with everyday. You talk about how losing Jake made you feel. You have even discussed the passing of your grandmother. However, it is only the mention and discussion of your father or the idea of abuse that you get upset or angry. It is only during those times you fiddle with your hands and twitch. You become very anxious during those times.”

As he spoke Rafael could feel the weight being lifted off him. He did not know why but all he knew is that while Dr. Miles spoke and talked to him he felt his body relax and he felt something lift of his shoulders that had been there all his life. He finally felt okay with who he was and the anxiety he never let anyone see.

Rafael didn’t say anything as Dr. Miles continued to talk to him. He stayed quiet and listened to everything he was being told.

In the end, he and Dr. Miles agreed to meet the following week and during which time Rafael would try something new to help with his stress and anxiety when it flared.

The two discussed sudoku or puzzles as a way to allow his very Type-A brain to do something productive while also allowing it to relax. Dr. Miles had also ordered, much to Rafael’s disagreement, he cut back to only 1 or 2 cups of coffee a day and try to not have any on the weekends.

“Thank you, Dr. Miles.” Rafael stated as he went to leave.

The two men shared a slight smile as they shook hands and as Rafael walked out the office he felt something new building inside him, something different. He felt calmness