#i have a funny idea for an elysium emote that i need to make too

[pumaskulls]

nothing fills me with more amusement than having discord emotes of my own OCs

[gunterfan1992]

Episode Review: ‘Together Again’ (Distant Lands, Ep. 3)

Airdate: May 20, 2021

Story by: Jack Pendarvis, Kate Tsang, Hanna K. Nyström, Christina Catucci, Jesse Moynihan, Adam Muto

Storyboarded by: Hanna K. Nyström, Anna Syvertsson, Iggy Craig, Maya Petersen, Serena Wu

Directed by: Miki Brewster (supervising), Sandra Lee (art)

Across Adventure Time’s ten season run, the show explored a bevy of “mature” themes and story ideas—topics, like love, sexuality, depression, and grieving. The show also touched upon death, but the emphasis was usually placed on the emotional toll of a loved one dying, not really what happens when you die. We knew there were Dead Worlds and Death. We knew that there was reincarnation. But how does it all fit together? What does it mean? How does it work?

With “Together Again,” we finally have many of the answers.

This special opens with a marvelous fake-out episode simply called “Finn & Jake,” that sees the two steal a magical cartoon of 50-flavor ice cream before rescuing Turtle Princess and LSP from the clutches of the villainous Ice King. This is all deliberately anachronistic and over the top. Ice King is back to his season one ways, Finn has both arms, and he is still wielding his golden sword that he lost in season two’s “The Real You.” There’s lolrandom dialogue and silly monsters; it’s like a parody of seasons 1-2. But then, this adventure starts to get all wonky, and in time Finn realizes that he is in a some sort of trance or illusion: one that ends with Jake being buried in the ground. Suddenly, Finn awakens from his reverie. He’s an old man. And he’s dead. We’re then presented with a new title card that lets us know the episode is actually called “Finn & Jake Are Dead.”

Holy Glob! They actually went there.

Turns out Jake died years before Finn, so naturally Finn is super excited to see his best bud. But something’s wrong—he cannot find Jake!! They planned to spend eternity together. But all that Finn can find is his very own psychopomp, Mr. Fox (voiced by Tom Herpich, whose purposefully stilted line readings are the epitome of delightful). Finn rightfully assumes that Jake is in a different Dead World, and so, being the ball of spunk and energy that he is, he demands to meet with Death, only to discover that there’s a New Death in town (voiced by Chris Fleming). The episode eventually explains that New Death was the son of Death and Life, and after New Death killed his father, he became the sovereign of the afterlife. New Death hates his job and decides to just blow up all the Dead Worlds so he doesn’t have to deal with it all. (I won’t get too much into the details here, because there would be a lot of story to parse out.)

Finn soon learns that Jake has reached nirvana in the 50th Dead World, where there is nothing but peace and serenity. Finn nevertheless tracks down Jake, pulls him from paradise, but in doing so, accidentally lets New Death in, who promptly obliterates Elysium, sending all the enlightened souls—including those from different levels of the afterlife—to the 1st Dead World. This gronks up the afterlife, temporarily halting the reincarnation process.

Well, Finn and Jake are rightfully ticked, and so they haunt the material plane looking for Princess Bubblegum. She’s not home (more on that later), but Peppermint Butler is! After Ghost Finn and Ghost Jake explain the situation, Peppermint Butler tells them what to do: They need to find Life and explain the situation. The duo manage just that, and Life is rightfully angry that her kid has stopped the transmigration of souls. After Life gives Finn a McGuffin sword that can hurt Death, Finn and Jake return to his abode. A brawl ensues wherein we learn that New Death has been possessed… by none other than that spirit of the Lich.

That’s right, it’s the Lich! He’s back, and boy is he evil.

The Lich explains that by possessing Death, he can destroy the afterlife, thereby destroying a key aspect of reality. Naturally, Finn and Jake are not cool with this, and they engage in combat. After Mr. Fox grabs the McGuffin sword and uses it to annihilate the Lich and New Death, he is proclaimed the New New Death and sets everything right. Finn is slated to be reincarnated, and Jake is slated to return to the 50th Dead World where he and Finn will one day be reunited. As Finn is pulled into the wheel of souls, Jake suddenly decides to go back with Finn, too, “Just for fun.” The episode ends with a card letting us know that the episode is neither called “Finn & Jake” nor “Finn & Jake Are Dead.” Instead, it is “Finn and Jake Are Together Again.”

As they say, “And there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.”

If you were to tell me several years ago that the last episode to star Finn and Jake would revolve around them dying, I think I would’ve been upset. Not simply sad, but rather frustrated because “they all died” can feel like a cheap ending. But with “Together Again,” it all works. And a large reason that it works is because the show goes all in with their ideas. Finn and Jake don’t magically leap back into their old life (no, no, they very much do bite the dust). Instead, the special emphasizes the cyclical nature of life through the transmigration of souls. The episode ends with a beautiful scene of Finn and Jake, bound together as soul-brothers, being reborn into a new, mysterious (possibly Ooo 1000+?) world. It’s both aesthetically and emotionally pleasing; it doesn’t feel off the way over finales might. This is right. This is the way life works. “Round and round as nature goes,” and all that jazz.

I loved the series explanation of how death works. It seems that souls land in a specific Dead World, where they ‘marinate’ for a bit, presumably being rewarded or punished based on their life in our meat reality. After a time, they are then reborn. This process repeats, with each soul reaching higher and higher levels of enlightenment until they hit nirvana, which is the 50th Dead World. So in a sense, Adventure Time has a roughly Buddhist cosmology with a dash of Greco-Roman mythos thrown in for flavor. (As to what happens after a soul stays in the 50th Dead World for a long period is anyone’s guess, but I’d speculate that when all the souls in the multiverse have been purified and land in the 50th Dead World, they will all collapse into one another and form one perfect Monad. Perhaps this is the sphere of perfection that the beings who merged into Matthew thought they were connecting to? Who knows! It’s anyone’s guess!) I was a little disappointed that we didn’t get to see who Death, Prismo, Life, etc.’s boss was, but perhaps that’s a mystery better left up to the imagination!

One minor thing that I loved about this special was the number of characters who made cameos as well as all the callbacks that were made to previous episodes. Regarding the former: Finn and Jake’s canine family show up (including the oft-forgotten Jermaine!), as do Tree Trunks and her myriad husbands. Tiffany plays a major role in all these shenanigans as a “death cop” of all things. There is a delightful rogues gallery stuck in the 1st Dead World (including, among others, Maja, Sharon from “The Gut Grinder,” and Wyatt). In the 50th we find Ghost Princess and Clarence happily at peace next to Booshy, the weird spirit mentioned in the Pen Ward classic “High Strangeness.” As far as callbacks go, perhaps my favorite is the clap (from “James Baxter the Horse”) that Jake taught to Finn in case they ever do get separated in the afterlife. And of course, there are myriad references made to “Death in Bloom,” the episode that planted the seed for what this would grow into.

Going into the special suspecting that it would involve Death, I was curious how they were going to handle Miguel Ferrer’s character. (In case a reader is not aware, Ferrer played Death in episodes like “Death in Bloom” and “Betty,” but he sadly passed away a few years ago). The producers’ choice to feature him in a non-speaking cameo—despite playing a relatively significant role in the story—was wise; I’m not sure if I can articulate the exact reasons, but something about his role felt appropriate and not gross, as some post-mortem memorials can be. Speaking of which, the wonderful, lovely Polly Lou Livingston was featured for the last time in this episode as Tree Trunks, happily in heaven with her literal harem of husbands. It was funny, it really was, and I’m sure that Polly Lou would’ve gotten a kick out of seeing it on screen. (Also, this is a pro-Tree Trunks safe space. Any Tree Trunks haters will be chucked into the 1st Dead World with Wyatt.)

The biggest mystery in this whole thing, for me at least, is the question of Princess Bubblegum and Marceline. Several years ago, I wrote an essay about what could’ve happened to them in the Ooo 1000+ universe. I speculated that they peaced out and left Ooo behind. In this special, neither Bubblegum nor Marceline are to be found in the Candy Kingdom—Peppermint Butler seems to be the one in charge, given that he is now wearing Bubblegum’s crown. Likewise, the duo aren’t anywhere in the Dead Worlds either. Maybe the two of them skipped town and got a duplex in the Nightosphere? Who knows… I just want my favorite gals to be OK!

All things considered, “Together Again” was a marvel: An episode that managed to feel like a series finale even more than “Come Along with Me” already did without taking away from the series itself. An episode that managed to make the idea of dying funny. An episode that brought back the Lich in a way that wasn’t forced. An episode that made Mr. Fox the New New Death. An episode that gave us a beautiful ending to Finn and Jake’s story… as well as the beautiful beginning to a new one. I said it on Twitter, and I’ll say it again here: “Together Again” was the end of a sentence in a book with infinite pages. Truly, the fun will never end.

Mushroom War evidence: Everything takes place in the Dead Worlds, so not really. Perhaps a more eagle-eyed viewer can inform us...

Final Grade: That’s right, I’m gonna do it...

Post-script, I actually messaged Jesse Moynihan to ask about his writing credit. He told me that it was for an unused story idea that he had developed. I’m not certain, but I’ll bet it was a part of the cancelled TV movie they were trying to make during season 5, since that would’ve seen Finn and Orgalorg journey to the various Dead Worlds.

[extremelyblackandwhite]

the unseen one - 28

Pairing: Hades!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: death

A/N: we’re close to the end and i’m getting really emotional over this ending soon 😭 also did i write this watching the death scene in west side story? yes i did so i was sobbing through this.

Next Chapter

To say that Bucky had been ignoring her was the understatement of the century. 

With the excuse that she probably needed some fresh air rather than being in the meadows, Bucky had sent her a week ago to be at the Elysium with Hecate and the other maidens. Despite all her protesting and fighting against the idea of being in the Elysium, Buck had gotten the upper hand and without any argument on his part or even a single word, left her at the care of Hecate, who was probably acting just as weird as him. Before he left he had promised to visit but those visits were as short as seconds where it looked like he’d check on her, kiss her forehead and then leave again. He said that it would be better for her to be an environment similar to that where she used to live but in all honesty, she was certain the pollution in Brooklyn was worse than the meadows.

She spent her days questioning Hecate and the maidens as to why Bucky was suddenly busier than Santa on Christmas Eve but they would just say it was all on her head. It wasn’t. Even back when she was in Brooklyn, he’d come to visit more often. It also did not help that everyone in the Elysium treated her like she was made out of glass, not allowing her to do any work and basically leaving her sat on one of the stone benches with a book until night time where she would sleep in Hecate’s quarters. Psyche and Ariadne would come to visit regularly with stories of their husbands and other tales with the rest of the greek pantheon. 

Those visits had quickly became the only thing Y/N held onto and the only way she could get news from Bucky. She would constantly nag both mortal turned goddesses about him, wondering if he had finally grown tired of her but they would reassure her he was just busy. Somehow, everyone seemed to know more than her, almost as if they had locked her into a glass bubble. 

Today was like any other day, she was walking down the gardens, one of the books she had been lent in hand, trying to free her mind from the countless thoughts telling her Bucky was tired of her, he didn’t want to deal with her anymore, when she felt it again. The dizziness, the light headiness hitting her like a freight train. The book slide off her hands as she allowed her legs to hit the stone of one of the several marbled benches all over the Elysium’s gardens, sitting down to steady herself. She felt weak, cold again.

     - Y/N? - a few maidens noticed this change in posture, rushing to her side to check on her as if she were an injured person. Her hands were laying on her lap as Hecate checked the motion, taking her hands in hers and immediately sensing the coldness of them.  

      - Notify the king. - she heard her tell one of her maidens but the words looked further away, detached even. - Y/N? Can you hear me? 

      - Yeah. - she managed to take herself off that plane of thinking. - I’m alright, just dizziness. 

Hecate nodded, allowing Y/N to be alone for a while. She knew better not to try and force care onto her, specially because Y/N had become specially good at running and hiding. Hiding was what she felt right now, so, as per usual, she took shelter into the dying Grooves that seemed to now be flourishing with various amounts of white roses. She sat against the bark of one of the dying trees, trying to fight the tears threatening to come out of her eyes. She knew nothing, Bucky barely visited and she felt like the more time she felt in the Elysium the more miserable she felt. She missed him, missed seeing his messy hair or how he would bit onto his pens whenever he was looking at paperwork.

     - My lady? - she was too busy in her own miserable thought pattern she didn’t notice the presence of someone else in the Grooves. She cleaned the corners of her eyes with the fabric of her dress, turning to see the same lady from the golden threads. - I knew it was you.

      - I’m sorry, I just ... I just really need to by myself right now. - workers of the Elysium tended to have curiosity about the mortal, something Y/N didn’t really mind but right now she wanted to understand. 

      - Something seems to be on your mind, milady. Might I guess it must have something to do with the God of the Underworld? - she took a seat by her side, basket in hand. - Overthinking minds don’t look at thing clearly. 

      - I guess you’re right. - she chuckled.

      - Here. - she took a pomegranate from her basket, handing it to Y/N who suspiciously took it. How funny, this small fruit had started it all. - Mortals tend to look at it and interpret it in various wrong ways. I’ve never seen a single mortal or deity who ever understood what the pomegranate really means. 

      - What would that be?

      - Love. The type of love that makes you go against the forces of nature, crazy, unthinking love. After all, the god of the Underworld fed it to his bride when the danger of losing her came about and she ate it willingly. 

       - Some mortals think she was forced into eating it. 

       - A goddess can’t be forced into the Underworld, my lady. 

Meanwhile, Bucky had been mid meeting with Zeus when one of the handmaidens came rushing into the room like a maniac. His heart stopped as he saw her standing there, mind running wild as to why she would be here, to if Y/N was still alright, still alive. However, the news she carried didn’t ease out the heart clench. She was dying a little every single day and James was watching powerless. The past week had been filled with a platoon of meetings along with various gods to determine the cause as to why she was losing her life source. It came to no surprise that a mortal in the Underworld is unnatural and the way the forces of nature have to deal with that is to regain balance by turning a mortal into the state at which they belong into the Underworld.

The problem that stood once more was the same problem, taking her away from a contract she had unwillingly signed by eating the fruit of the dead. Most gods did not want the contract broken however James knew exactly who was easy to break down and that was Zeus. Zeus, god of the Gods, he could go against laws of the Underworld if he wanted and right now despite all attempts, he still refused to return Y/N to the mortal realm. 

In a twisted manner, he seemed to enjoy watch the god of the Underworld walk around miserable knowing someone was dying and he couldn’t do anything. Knowing the all powerful who could order the death of whomever he pleased couldn’t control the fate of the one he cared for. At least the one who still remembered him but after she passed, it wouldn’t be long til that too disappeared. 

James had even threatened ordering the death of whatever demigods related to Zeus still roamed the Earth, but he only laughed at those empty threats. What would that help in his case? It wouldn’t. He was powerless in this situation and Zeus was relishing on it. 

     - I wonder if she’ll make it to the Elysium. - Zeus thought out loud, making James’ blood boil. - You should’ve expected this. Besides, mortals die everyday, you’ve seen your fair share of relatives dying. She’s just one more. 

     - If I marry your daughter, will you break her contract to the Underworld? 

James didn’t want to be married to Aphrodite. Being married to Aphrodite meant Zeus would forever have control over him, over the Underworld and he would just be someone else’s puppet again. But yet again, he had been HYDRA’s puppet for decades and if being a puppet to Zeus for centuries to come meant Y/N would be safely back into her life, free to do what she wanted, then he would do it.

Zeus face twisted into that of someone who had won the lottery, imagining the countless opportunities. Not only would it put the control of the Underworld  onto his only and direct bloodline, it would rather amuse his daughter which was no small feat. 

     - I’ll make sure your daughter becomes Queen of the Underworld as long as Y/N is returned to her home, unharmed. - he sat down in his chair, looking at a petal from the sunflower she had given fall into the soil of the pot. - She returns home today.

     - I can ensure she returns safely to the mortal real but I won’t supply her with any protection once she’s there. 

     - She gets there safely and I follow the end of my deal. - he extended his hand up to him, looking at the sunflower.

Y/N had put the pomegranate in the pocket of her gown, returning to walk around the Elysium like a lost soul with a book in hand. She had probably read the same book several times in the space of a day, but she didn’t feel like bothering James asking for another book. She was a burden as she was. She closed the book, holding against her chest and huffing, getting ready to return to the rest of the maidens once she saw Bucky’s figure at the distance.

A smile stretched itself on her lips as she grabbed the fabric of the gown and used whatever was left of her strength to run over to him. Her feet paddled onto the grass as she finally reached him, wrapping her arms around him in what James thought was the loveliest, warmest hug he’d ever felt. She kissed his chest, holding his head as she stared onto his blue eyes. 

     - You’re late. - she teased, caressing his jaw with her ring finger. 

     - You can go home, lovely. - he smiled, kissing the crown of her head. - You can finally return home. 

     - What do you mean home? I’m home, I’m with you. - she wrapped her fingers around his. 

     - No, sunflower. You get to go home to Brooklyn. 

     - Buck, is that why you’ve been so distant lately? - he leaned his face against her touch, wondering how long it would be before he could do that again. Before he could feel her warmest touch. 

     - I’ll explain later, sunflower. Zeus is waiting for you and he’s not very found of waiting.

She followed him out of the Elysium, turning back to see what had been her normality for the past month and then back to him. She didn’t really know what to expect once she reached Brooklyn again, she didn’t know how she would act with Anne or if she even had a job back at the nursery. She didn’t know. Did returning to the home which she was once homesick for meant not seeing Bucky again?

Her mind was running wild with possibilities. She should be happy, she should be happy to return to her normality, she wasn’t a goddess, she didn’t belong here, she belonged up above with her people, with her daily runs and her jokes with co-workers. However, she wasn’t happy, she was worried, worried about Bucky, worried about herself.

Maybe, had she had the time to discuss it out she could’ve cleared up her doubts but it seemed like in a flash Bucky has handing her off to Zeus, kissing her and telling her it would be okay. It wouldn’t be okay, he didn’t look okay and she didn’t feel okay. She didn’t understand why she had even been thrown in the Elysium for a week, she knew nothing. 

     - I got to give you to you, Y/N. - Zeus took her off her own thoughts. - If I had known that all it took to get my way was for you to almost die, I would’ve made sure it happened sooner. 

     - Almost die? - she scrunched her face, stopping on her path which made the god of gods stop too. - What do you mean almost die? And what do you mean by getting your way?

     - Why do you think you’re feeling so weak, lately? Mortals don’t belong in the Underworld unless they’re dead and you can only fight the forces of nature for so long until they win. - it hit her like a freight train and she didn’t know if too feel mad or upset with James for hiding it. It finally made sense, the Elysium, the constant sick like treatment she got from people who originally despised her and James’ willingness to let her go so soon. - Besides, he made me an offer I just couldn’t refuse.

     - What offer?

     - Let’s say, the Underworld will be under my control as it should’ve always been. You can turn a mortal into a god but unless they’re controlled, they’ll never do their job correctly.

Y/N took a step back, the room seemed to start spinning. Under control. Under control. The once controlled Winter Soldier pictures came back to her mind, how he had told her about how the only good thing about being a god was being able to do whatever he pleased, not being controlled. Now here he was back again, under someone’s thumb and it was her fault. At those thoughts, much to Zeus’ confusion, she took another step back. Her eyes lingered over the pomegranate laying still on the pocket of her gown and then back to Zeus.

     - Can I ... can I go back? I forgot something. 

     - I’m sure he’ll probably get someone to bring it up to you. I don’t have all time. 

     - I’ll be back in no time, I promise. - she swore and he sighed, pointing his arm out back to the meadows and once again she was holding onto her dress, rushing down to the meadows. She could feel her heart beat faster and her legs begging her to give up, head pounding like a drum. The once path that seemed so short was now very long but still all she could think about was running, running back into his home which she eventually did.

The sound of her crashing through his door had alarmed James whose eyes widened at seeing her standing there, breathless against the door. She gripped onto the door, eyes gazing with James as she felt her body give up of her. Feeling she was about to faint, Bucky rushed over to her, holding her against his torso not sure if he was mad she had ran back or worried that he desperately needed to bring her back to her path. 

     - Y/N, you need to come back alright. - he pushed the hair away from her face but she only gave him a soft smile raising half a pomegranate with whatever was left of her strength.

     - I’m afraid I spoiled your plans. - the fruit rolled away. James world collapsed as he thought about ways to get Zeus to break the contract again. Gods, he would beg on his knees for it. - You’ve died before right? 

     - Stop talking about that. We nee ...

     - Does it hurt? - she interrupted him, clutching onto his torso. Her breathe got unruly and the once easy act of breathing became the hardest thing she ever could do. Noticing the will in her eyes, the decision she had taken, he soften his approach. 

     - No, sunflower. It’s like falling asleep. 

     - Falling asleep sounds nice. - she caressed his face, that familiar feeling of going into a deep slumber reaching fast. - I love you, Bucky.

     - I love you too, sunflower. 

She was wrapped into that tempting slumber that had been pulling at her, the last thing heard being James telling her to awake up but there was nothing left now. Just darkness.

Darkness and silence. 

tag list: @philogrobizedvee​​​​​​  @keithseabrook27​​​​​ @inlovewith3​​​​19 @nwbstan​ @romanoffs-heart

[lost-in-zembla]

Disco Elysium or: How I learned to Stop Wallowing and Love the Game

I will now review a videogame. No real spoilers. Just very vague descriptions below.

My writing this is uncharacteristic of me. I find most writing surrounding the video game industry to be repugnant. The industry (including the media surrounding that industry) relies upon the subsumption of subcultures on the fringe into the very center of the infernal machine where the dedicated and nostalgic nature of its fanbase can be exploited for capital. It’s the same process that produces Iron Man Funko Pops. Call me a jaded and pretentious pseudointellectual poseur, but in the case of Marvel the idea that this fucking billion dollar franchise with the biggest actors in the world somehow retains this guise of this ‘geek’ subculture is disturbing to me.

(If you have played the game Disco Elysium, then you can probably already see part of why I enjoy it so goddamn much.)

I don’t mean we should gatekeep. My point is the media attached to these quote-geek-unquote industries wants to milk the same cash cow (e.g. 10 AWESOME THINGS IN THE LAST OF US 2!) Coming from an academic environment of criticism, I crave at least the appearance of an honest and thorough critique of art. In my experience, you really need to go past the surface to find any reliable ‘takes’ on contemporary videogames. That being said, there’s a lot of good work being done in the form of video essays.

In any case, I play videogames relatively often. Competitive shooters, mostly. But I suffer no story in videogames. Why would I? I read the most *genius* pieces of literature in the English language. I’m too *good* for that. So when I heard all the buzz about Disco Elysium last fall, it fell on deaf ears. Detectives? Disco? Isometry? Story-heavy. Ugh. I’m interested in none of that. But about a week ago, a friend of mine bought the game. Unlike me, he is a real adult with a real job so it was just a whim on his part, I believe. I looked at the game and, with Steam’s lax refund policy in mind, I bought it. In the past week I have put approximately thirty hours into this game. This review is a way for me to explore my own thoughts surrounding the game, thoughts that I didn’t include in my steam review (See below.)

So it was devastating, sure. And this devastation was somehow positive. One thing that I would like to make clear about me talking about this game is that it is fucking useless. Disco Elysium possesses that quality that exists in all great art; it is irreducible. When I try to explain this game to my friends, I find that my words fail to describe what’s so great about the game. Let me give you the elevator review I’ve come up with. *This game has allowed me to explore the breadth of human experience*. It’s an absolutely insane thing to say about a game. The writing, the art style, the story, the world, the RPG gameplay, they all work together to create a kind of experience that I have never encountered in a piece of art before aside from those few, fleeting moments when you feel as though you truly *get* an encyclopedic novel you’re reading (and in my case I usually don’t get it.)

I will not delve too deeply into the mechanics of the game. There are probably plenty of articles and videos that describe the game already. Put simply, the game is about choices. You can choose to solve the murder however you want. You can say absolutely batshit things to people. You can say mildly bemusing things. You can speak apocalyptic prophesies, espouse communism, conservatism, Moralism. race science.. There are moments when you genuinely *feel* like you can say anything, which is quite a feat when you really only have a few dialogue options at any given moment.

As you’ve noticed, this is not a review of the videogame. Playing this game after a tough breakup was sort of earth-shattering. I mean, not only am I navigating through a strange virtual world with its own history and culture and cosmological makeup, I’m diegetically grieving over being left by my *divinely* beautiful ex while I, the player, undergo a similar process and find similar coping mechanisms. Playing this game was like knowing the funniest clown in the world, a clown so funny that you thank him when he occasionally punches you in the chest to make you *feel things*.

The plan wasn’t to make a character whose qualities reflected my own. I just wanted to play the game. I wanted to win. It just so happened that because *I* was the one playing the game, the character essentially turned into me. It doesn’t help that I, too, have had my issues with alcohol, drugs, commitment, and mental health (in no particular order). The character ended up becoming *me* in a way that I’d never experienced before. I faced ethical dilemmas. My ideology was shaken. This game achieves unbelievable mimesis.

Here’s the wild thing: this game has changed me. I feel like a thirteen-year-old white boy who just watched The Boondock Saints and got a pretty okay over-the-pants handjob at the same time. I’m thinking about my life in terms of choices. The game enforces a kind of perspective of the world that highlights its contingency and the permanence of choices. You can, of course, save your progress in the game and reload whenever, but I found myself just sort of riding out the bad choices I made unless they were game-ruiningly catastrophic. (E.g. I had a “thought” equipped that made me fail every unrepeatable *red* check during a pivotal firefight; it was a hilarious disaster. We were essentially mowed down.) I stood by most of my bad choices. After all, I made the choice using the information I had at the time.

I am not good at this game. I absolutely bungled the investigation. I was just a pawn for forces far greater than myself. Seven people died, and I know that I could’ve saved a few of those people, if not all of them. I think about it sometimes. I think about what I could have done, how I could have gone deeper to find out what’s *really* going on, how I could take control of the investigation rather than be taken control of. Maybe I’ll play the game through again, but the first playthrough is kind of magical if you know absolutely nothing about the game like I did. If not for an absolute deus ex machina at the end, I would have been taken to the madhouse. It would have been an unbelievable failure.

During that deus ex machina moment, by the way, a goddamn tear rolled down my cheek. Yeah, I’m in a rough place, personally. But I don’t *cry* over characters in art. They’re not real. But damn if that changed.  I tell you it’s changed *me*. I care more for characters. I know they’re not real but they represent something that I can relate to, no matter who they are. This game has made me think about empathy more. Maybe it’s because I dumped all my points in the emotional skills. Maybe I’d be more violent if I rolled with the physical skills. Maybe I’d feel like a superstar if that’s what I chose to pursue in the game. Disco Elysium feels open-ended enough that if you sign up for the story, the aesthetic, and the investigation itself, then you can get whatever you want out of the experience. The game, again, achieves incredible mimesis.

The mimesis is so convincing in Disco Elysium that it feels as open-ended as reality, with one caveat: you *know* it's a game. You, as a player, know that the experience of Disco Elysium is a designed one, that it was created as a sort of origami structure, that there is narrative and, god help us, *meaning*. What this game-knowledge afforded me during my playthrough was the constant sensation of synchronicity. I found myself saying “I don’t know how this element will fold into the grand structure of the game, and it almost seems impossible that it should become part of the investigation narrative.” But because I know it’s a game, I am graced with the confidence of the highly religious. Everything will come together in the end.

This is not a review for a videogame. This is a confession. I am deeply flawed and I want to change that. My worldview has been shaken because of a videogame. I don’t want to be that kind of animal anymore.

I’m trying to empower myself, to become more aware that my choices do indeed matter, have always mattered. I’m trying to be more pragmatic, to consider the things I want to do in terms of their result rather than the momentary pleasure I will derive from doing them. Now *that’s* a change for me. 

I’m trying to be more empathetic, more willing to imagine the perspectives of others. 

I am trying to give the world around me the benefit of the doubt. It is easy for me to think of the world as a random coincidence of matter, but if you look at the world with totality in mind everything seems to take on this Spinozan glow of divinity. The human mind is a meaning-making machine, I think. If I look at the world as fundamentally devoid of meaning, then that is still meaning. It is nihil-ism. It’s still an -ism. But if I ascribe to the world a kind of glowing potential, as though meaning were to be found in every speck of matter, then I feel invited to participate in this massive dance that we’re all a part of. 

I’m trying to be more adventurous, because beneath the surface of things there seems to be a vast network of relationships, causation, possibility and, god help me, *story*. Or maybe it’s not beneath the surface of things, maybe there is no Deleuzian schizophrenic depth beneath the surface, perhaps the world is a homogenous and ever-developing surface upon which I constellate meaning and, thereby, create it. I’m trying to create a story for myself that will hold a candle to my experience playing Disco Elysium. I didn’t ask for this; it was just what I needed. It was, in a word, unforgettable.

[undertale-rho]

Underearth: Book 3 - Chapter 10

Elysium was as it has always been; white, and quite bleak. All the dust caked onto Frisk's clothes and extremities didn't help improve the place, not that he cared. As Frisk walked further into Elysium, he could feel eight SOULs within. Six Humans, Asgore, and... who?

As Frisk thought on these questions, he entered the vacant home of Asgore.

"He leaves them in the kitchen and the hallway." Frisk heard an ethereal voice say.

Frisk rerouted to the hallway off to the right. As he walked, a flower erupted from the floorboards.

"Howdy, Chara!" it said. It was Flowey. "You finally made it home. It didn’t used to float like this, but do you remember when we used to play here?" Flowey then laughed a bit, not even waiting for an answer. "Boy! Today's gonna be just as fun."

Frisk continued to walk. At the end of the hall, he grabbed the key, then flipped back. As he was passing the last door, though, something within him seemed to draw him in once again. Entering, the entire room was exactly the same as it had been before. Walking over to the nightstand on the left side of the room, Frisk noticed that even the dagger was sitting there, untouched for countless years. This time, however, it wasn't the dagger or locket that drew Frisk's attention, but instead it was the picture behind them both.

Picking up the framed photograph, Frisk took the cloth of his shirt and whipped the dust from it. The photograph was of four people. Three of which Frisk recognized to be Asgore, Toriel, and Asriel. The fourth individual in the photograph, unlike the other three, was a Human. Very fair in skin-tone. They wore a green shirt with a yellow stripe across its torso. Their hair was shoulder-length, brown, and obscured most of their face.

Frisk put the photograph back where it was and left the room. Whatever drew him there was gone, and so there was no point sticking around.

Soon after returning on course, Frisk ran into Flowey again, who began telling him his own story.

"I remember when I first woke up here, in the garden." Flowey started. "I was so scared. I couldn't feel my arms or my legs... My entire body had turned into a flower! 'Mom! Dad! Somebody help me!' I called out. But nobody came. Eventually, the king found me, crying in the garden. I explained what had happened to him. Then he held me, Chara. He held me with tears in his eyes, saying... 'There, there. Everything is going to be alright.' He was so... Emotional. But... For some reason... I didn't feel anything at all. I soon realized I didn't feel anything about anyone. My compassion had disappeared! And believe me, it's not like I wasn't trying. I wasted so much time with that stupid king, vainly hoping I would feel something. But it became too much for me. I ran away from home. Eventually, I reached the Citadel. Inside I found her, Chara. I thought of all people, she could make me feel whole again... She failed. I realized those two were useless. I became despondent. I just wanted to love someone. I just wanted to care about someone. Chara, you might not believe this... But I decided... it wasn't worth living anymore. Not in a world without love. Not in a world without you. So... I decided to follow in your footsteps. I would erase myself from existence. And you know what? I succeeded. But as I left this mortal coil... I started to feel apprehensive. If you don't have a SOUL, what happens when you...? Something primal started to burn inside me. 'No,' I thought. 'I don't want to die!' ... Then I woke up. Like it was all just a bad dream. I was back at the garden. Back at the garden with a pocketwatch. Interested, I decided to experiment. Again and again, I brought myself to the edge of death. No matter what, I could go back. Amazing, isn't it, Chara? I was amazed, too. At first, I used my powers for good. I became 'friends' with everyone. I solved all their problems flawlessly. Their companionship was amusing... For a while. As time repeated, people proved themselves predictable. What would this person say if I gave them this? What would they do if I said this to them? Once you know the answer, that's it. That's all they are. It all started because I was curious. Curious what would happen if I killed them. 'I don't like this,' I told myself. 'I'm just doing this because I have to know what happens. Ha ha ha... What an excuse! You of all people must know how liberating it is to act this way. Nowadays, even that's grown tiring. You understand, Chara. I've done everything this world has to offer. Everyone has become infinitely predictable. Except you, Chara. I never could predict you. When I saw you in the Citadel, I didn't recognize you. I thought I could frighten you, then steal your SOUL. I failed. And when I tried to go back, I found the pocketwatch was gone. Chara... you are now chosen! I just have one question for you, Chara. How did you get back to the Citadel from here...?"

Frisk remained silent as he continued to walk.

"Wait, I know. She must have taken you when she left. And decided to give you a proper burial, rather than... Hanging out in that basement forever. But, why then...? What made you wake up? Did you hear me calling you...?"

Frisk continued to remain silent.

"It doesn't matter now." Flowey eventually said. "I'm so tired of this, Chara. I'm tired of all these people. I'm tired of all these places. I'm tired of being a flower. Chara. There's just one thing left I want to do. Let's finish what we started. Let's free everyone. Then... let's let them see what Humanity is really like! That despite it all... This world is still 'Kill or be Killed!!' Then...? Well. I had... Been entertaining a few ways to use that power. Hee hee hee...... But seeing you here changed my mind. Chara... I think if you're around... Just living in the surface world doesn't seem so bad. We don't even need to leave to get them this time. The king has six of them locked away. I've tried hundreds of ways to get him to show me them... But he just won't. Chara... I know he'll do it for you."

Frisk had finally reached the end of his patience with Flowey confusing him for some long-dead sibling.

"Why are you telling me all this, Flowey?" Frisk asked.

Flowey looked up at Frisk with a confused look. "Chara, I said it before. Even after all this time... You're still the only one that understands me. You won't give me any worthless pity! Creatures like us wouldn't hesitate to kill each other if we got in the other's way. So that's... So... that's... why..."

Frisk looked straight through Flowey. He could feel LOV's warmth within him. Flowey was right. He didn't need any worthless pity. By the look Flowey was now wearing, he could feel that something was deeply wrong.

"... what's this... feeling?" Flowey said. "Why am I... shaking?" Flowey then looked up at Frisk. "Hey... Chara... No hard feeling about back then, right?"

Frisk drew the dagger.

"H-Hey, what are you doing!?" Flowey panicked. "B... back off!! I... I've changed my mind about all this. This isn't a good idea anymore. Y-you should go back, Chara. This place is fine the way it is!"

Frisk started walking closer to Flowey, the knife glittering with Monster dust. A demented smile formed across his face.

"S-s-stop making that creepy face!" Flowey shouted. "This isn't funny! You've got a sick sense of humor!"

Frisk then took a swing at Flowey, who retreated into the earth.

Damn coward. Frisk thought.

After sheathing the knife, Frisk realized that he'd not been really paying attention to where he'd been walking. Looking around, he found that he was right outside the Judgement Hall, where Sans would judge him in past Worlds.

Oh good, I'm near Asgore now. he thought. It's time to finish this.

With that, Frisk walked into the Judgement Hall.

Vengeance : In This World...

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