#i have cried every day this week like BAWLED since tuesday. i miss him so badly

[mybonfire]

"i loved someone I barely knew."

carol rifka brunt|@/soapstore|penelope scott|@/promqueendyke

[earlybird820]

Widow Maker

On the third and final drive to the hospital that fateful Tuesday night, my boyfriend, Rob, reached for my hand and squeezed. I began to cry. For my sister, Jenna, for my niece, Olivia, for my unborn baby niece who Jon would never hold, for Jon’s parents, John and Ann Marie, and for me. Jon was more than a brother-in-law to me, he had become my protective big brother over the years. Our mutual love for Jenna and Olivia had especially bonded us.

Jon had had a massive heart attack at home early Monday morning and had been rushed to the hospital. After coding several times on the operating table, the surgeon was finally able to stabilize him with a stent. According to his doctor, his left ventricle was 100 percent blocked with plaque and the blood was not able to pump as it should which caused the ventricle to burst leading to cardiac arrest. I didn’t know it at the time, but this type of heart attack is often referred to as a “widowmaker.”

When my family and I were first led back to the ICU on Monday, we were shocked at what lay before us. Jon was hooked up to tubes that seemed to be coming from everywhere, machines beeping and whirring continuously, punctuating the silence. In an induced coma, Jon was just a shell of the man he was before. My brother-in-law, the man with the boisterous laugh and heart of gold, now had machines breathing for him and pumping his broken heart.

For two days, friends and family took turns sitting with Jon, holding his limp, cold hand. Some of us simply sat in silence at his bedside, while others talked to him, hoping he could hear them. On Tuesday morning, I, along with my mom and dad, went back to visit him. I sat on his left side holding his hand, my mom and dad across from me. My mom began to speak to him. I can’t remember exactly what all she said, but I distinctly remember her saying, “Today is Tuesday, December 13th. Olivia is exactly 2 years and 5 months old today.” My dad adding, “You gotta pull through buddy; Jenna and the girls need you.”

I said nothing. I sat silently, my mind racing through all the things I wanted to say. How much I appreciated him taking me into his home three years prior, so I could start a new life. How much I loved him for being a wonderful husband to my sister and an even better father to my niece. How much I treasured him for always looking out for me and wanting the best for me. But I couldn’t turn those thoughts into spoken words. I believed that I would be able to tell him all those things when he woke up.

Later that afternoon we received good news from one of Jon’s doctors: “He is not completely out of the woods yet, but his vitals are improving slightly which is a step in the right direction.” We hung all of our hopes on those words.

Deciding it would be beneficial for Jenna to leave the hospital for a couple of hours, we picked Olivia up from daycare early and drove back to her house. Just as we were about to sit down to eat dinner, Jenna’s phone rang. Jon had gone into cardiac arrest again and the doctors were trying to re-stabilize him.

The drive back to the hospital felt like the longest drive of my life. When we finally reached the ICU waiting room, it was full of Jon’s family and friends—many of whom had red, puffy eyes. Fearing Jon had passed and that I didn’t get to say goodbye, I began to sob. One of Jon’s friends reassured me, telling me the doctors had been able to stabilize him but wanted to speak to the entire family in an hour. That hour was agonizing. My sister lay on a couch in the waiting room curled into a fetal position, her entire body racking with sobs. My mom gently lifted her head into her lap and stroked her hair, my dad crouched beside her and squeezed her hand, and I placed her legs in my lap and hugged them, as if by cocooning her inside our love, we might shield her from the inevitable pain.

Finally, we were led back to the ICU to see Jon. The damage from the most recent cardiac arrest was clearly visible. His whole body was bloated from the buildup of fluids in his failing organs. A mixture of blood and some other clear liquid continuously leaked slowly from his nose. My mom grabbed a Kleenex and tenderly wiped the fluid away.

The doctor entered the room. He was not the same one we had spoken to earlier. His words were also not as gentle.

“It took 45 minutes to get him stabilized again. His organs are failing from cardiogenic shock and we believe he is brain dead due to lack of oxygen to the brain. He is no longer salvageable.”  

Yes, the doctor used the word “salvageable” as though Jon were some household appliance and not a husband, father, son, grandson, brother, nephew, cousin, friend.

The sound of wailing permeated the room.

Ann Marie turned to John, “Why is this happening to us? Why? Why? Why? Both our sons. Why?” They had lost their only other child just six years prior in a fatal car accident. He was only 24 years old.

All John could say was, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”

They held each other and wept.

My sister, six-months pregnant, lay herself across Jon’s chest, her round belly protruding underneath her. She kissed his face—his lips, his forehead, his cheeks, his eyelids. She whispered, “It’s okay baby, you can go. It’s okay. I love you.”

One by one, all his family and friends came in to say goodbye as we waited to remove him from life support. I watched, with tears streaming down my face, as my mom continued to wipe the fluid from Jon’s nose every few minutes.

A little after midnight the doctor came back in to say it was time. All Jon’s friends left the room as the family gathered around him to say our final goodbyes. At 12:29am on December 14, 2016, Jon took his final breath. He was only 33 years old.

When I awoke the next morning, I thought for a split second that Jon’s death was all a bad dream. But that reprieve did not last long. The wave of reality and grief came crashing down and swept it away. I lay there crying while Rob silently held me tight. I wished he could have held me forever, but I knew that my sister needed me, so I broke the embrace and wiped my tears.

While Jenna, her in-laws, and my parents were away making funeral arrangements, Jon’s Aunt Mary Kay, Rob, and I stayed with Olivia and hosted the revolving visitors who brought food and items for the funeral. Later that evening I helped my sister pick out music for the picture slideshow that would be displayed at the funeral home. I never realized how many songs had been written about death and losing loved ones until then.

The next several days were a whirlwind as we made the last arrangements, attended the funeral home visitation, and the funeral ceremony. With the constant coming and going of visitors paying their respects, the full extent of Jon’s absence had not yet hit us. It wasn’t until everyone else went on with their lives and routines, that the quiet set in. Jon had a big personality and an infectious laugh, and it broke my heart to realize that I would never again hear that laugh.

One day after Jenna had picked Olivia up from daycare, she began to cut up strawberries for Olivia—something that Jon would always do. With a hitch in her voice and tears welling in her eyes, she said, “I can’t do this, Jon always did this.” My mom took over while Jenna retreated to her room, sobbing.

My mom was a blessing during those difficult days. She was retired and able to stay with my sister for months at a time. I know this could not have been easy on her and my dad, who had to stay home, an hour and a half away, for work. They barely got to see each other, though my dad would make the drive down whenever he could.

As for me, I settled into a routine of going to my sister’s after a full day of work, helping out around the house in whatever way I could until 10 or 11pm, and then making the 40-minute drive home every night. My boyfriend, Rob, had just signed up for the Army National Guard a few months before Jon’s death and he had shipped out to bootcamp in Missouri a month after Jon’s funeral. For three long months the only correspondence I had with him was through writing letters, which would take up to two weeks to receive a response. I missed Jon terribly, and I also missed my boyfriend. Under different circumstances, I would have been able to lean on my sister and talk about how much I missed Rob, but it would have been selfish for me to do so now. Rob’s absence was only temporary, Jon’s was permanent.

At the funeral, many people had said to me, “It’s up to you now to take care of your sister and the girls,” “Jenna is going to need you more than ever,” “You need to be strong for them.” I felt that if I broke down in front of my sister, I would be failing her somehow. Yet the more I was around her and Olivia, the more deeply I felt Jon’s absence. I would save my grief for my drive home each night, crying the entire way.

That year, Valentine’s Day fell exactly two months after Jon’s death. I was expecting it to be a shitty day since I wouldn’t be able to spend it with Rob and because it was a reminder of how much time had passed since Jon died. About two hours into my work day, I received a flower delivery; Rob had planned the month before to have them delivered. When I arrived at my sister’s later that night and told her about the flowers, she said, “That’s nice,” before welling up and adding, “I had to spend my Valentine’s Day at the cemetery to visit my husband.” I cried myself to sleep that night.

On February 28th, 2017 Jenna went into labor. My mom and I were in the delivery room. As I witnessed my niece, Layla, being born I was overcome with bittersweet emotions. Joy at the sight of this perfect, tiny angel, and grief that Jon wasn’t there to meet his little girl. I could not save those emotions for later, I let them pour out of me, bawling as my sister held her daughter for the first time.

Layla’s arrival was the turning point in my family’s journey to healing. Though Olivia certainly brought joy to us all as well, there was something about this new life after a tragic loss that gave us hope.

Layla just turned two years old last week and my sister’s house was full of family and friends that have surrounded her with love and support over the past two years.

Olivia, who reminds us so much of Jon, will start kindergarten this fall. She still remembers her daddy and talks about him on occasion. Jenna takes her to Ele’s Place once a week where she participates in activities with other children who have lost a parent.

Jenna has recently started dating again and though she will always grieve her husband, she is allowing herself to be happy and find love again.

Jon’s parents live close by and they pick the girls up from daycare twice a week and spend the evening with them. John takes Olivia with him to the car wash once a week, which is something Jon used to do with her.

My parents still visit often, but my mom no longer has to be away from my dad for extended periods of time. They take the girls one weekend a month to give my sister a little time to herself.

Rob and I bought a house about a 10-minute drive from my sister’s, so I could be closer to her and my nieces. I went back to school about a year after Jon passed because I knew that both he and my sister had always wanted me to finish my degree; my big brother wanting the best for me. I will graduate at the end of June with honors. I like to think that he would have been proud of me.

Jenna and Jon on their wedding day.

My first photo with Jon as his sister-in-law.

Jon and his mom, Ann Marie, at his wedding.

Jenna and Jon on their honeymoon in Aruba.

Jon, Jenna, and newborn daughter Olivia.

Jon holding his newborn daughter, Olivia.

Jon and a sleepy Olivia.

Jon giving Olivia a horseback ride.

The day Layla was born. Photos of Jon are taped to the bedpost.

Jenna and her two beautiful girls, Olivia and Layla.

[shadylake-blog]

I never knew this kind of misery could exist until this year. Grief is overwhelming. I can easily say this has been the worst year for my family. Every day I try and give thanks that no one else is dead, or dying (well even that is not true a couple family members not doing so well with their health but they do not have cancer or anything that awful, so I should be grateful right?) I have learned being a better person does not make your life easier. Karma does not exist. My sweet poor baby brother, only 4 years younger than me died in January to start my year off. He would be 22 right now if he would have been alive for his birthday this month. I used to love the rain, now I have mixed feelings. That day I knew something bad was going to happen. I wrote the date two times for various things and got chills each time I wrote it. I watched The Butterfly Effect, which used to be one of my favorite movies until that happened, thinking about how true it was. He passed a semi truck with a car in front of them on that rainy night in January heading west towards the coast, that day it just rained and rained and rained. It was 10PM and dark. I was on the exact same spot on the road 10 minutes before the accident, about 10 miles outside of town. He hydroplaned, rolled and managed to defy physics and come back the other direction and rolled into a telephone pole that hit the drivers side. Completely demolished the car. Passenger was unscathed. He had a pulse for 20 minutes on scene, and was never taken to a hospital at all to even attempt to revive him. Just thrown into a body bag once pulse had stopped... makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. At midnight I realized I had 36 missed calls from my mom and step-dad. I was busy arguing with my controlling gas lighting “boyfriend” about tattoos, he was made that I got them. I was thinking someone got pulled over for driving while suspended or something. I never thought about my brother dying, not once my entire life. My mom blubbered “He is dead,” I said “What do you mean?” “He is dead your brother is dead he got in a car wreck” “No it can not be him are you sure?” “Yes I am sure” (can barely understand her both of us just completely blubbering and hysterical now) “How do you know did you see him?” “The police came and told me, his wallet was on him it was his car.” Now having never dealt with death in any way shape or form, not even a distant cousin, I did not know how to react other than scream. I had a slight hope maybe someone stole his car and wallet, because the passenger was not one of his friends I knew, it was someone I had never even heard my brother talk about. But I cried and screamed for days and days and days. The next morning I immediately went out to the crash sight which was right behind my moms house across a big field and put up a cross on the pole. It was still pouring, I had another one drying at home with his name on it. The scene was horrific. They left all of his costs and personal belongings just strung out all over the side of the road.PIECES OF SHIT. After they let him bleed out. Puddles of blood all over the ground in the mud. His car title, personal mail, the coats he had on that night (the passenger posted a photo of them before they left and ten minutes later he was dying) other things he had in his car like work clothes and nails and tools, he was a roofer. He always had those rings of nails everywhere. Just left out like hes worthless trash. The lack of respect for a dead 21 year old kid you did not even take to the hospital...Fucking disgusting. I went out and cleaned everything up. I could not even see my brother until Wednesday, 4 days later. It was a Saturday night when it happened. Towing company would not even let us look at his car until Tuesday. My step-dad, mother and I looked at the car in complete horror. It looked like it been crushed. How the passenger escaped unscathed I really have no idea the entire dashboard was caved in, windshield gone. Blood all over the drivers seat and floor where they just let him lay there and bleed out. Somehow his weed pipe (that was under the passenger seat in a toolbox he was not smoking and he does not drink) was not broken, neither was his phone which was smashed in between the drivers seat and console but it was cracked. We always told each other our passwords in case something like this happened never thinking we would actually have to use it... That day he asked probably 20 people to go all day including his girlfriend, and he could not get anyone to go until 10 o'clock at night when the passenger had said sure I will go. The last thing his girlfriend said to him was “I wish you would go kill yourself”, they had been together for 3 years. I know that when people are arguing they say things like that, I do not hold it against her but its unfortunate she has to live with that being the last thing she said to him. His steering wheel and dashboard were so crushed the keys had to be forcibly removed, I still carry the sideways key around on my key chain because this has made me completely insane, as if I did not struggle enough with depression and anxiety before this from constantly being broke trying to raise a child on my own and never having daycare. That is a story for another day. But this has really fucked me up. He was not a sibling I occasionally see on the holidays, that’s who I called when I really just needed a friend. We went camping and hiking all the time together. We never sat on our phones when we went so we hardly had any pictures together. He was always there for me as a child and an adult, even though I was such a bitch when we were younger. He was always so good to me, the best brother anyone could ever ask for. I hear these people talk about the things their brothers do them, and I am like my brother would have never done that to me... He was such a good person even when people did him wrong. He had a heart of gold and was so unique he had so much potential and was just starting to grow up. Besides my child, there is no other person in the world I loved more than him. I have two other siblings but they are 14 and 11 years younger than me. I love them but I do not share the same bond and he was my only full sibling. When I actually finally got to see him at the morgue (and I was the only family member that even went to see him the rest found it too “traumatizing” I wanted to see what the hell happened) my stomach sank. It was definitely him. My poor little brother, laying on a fucking slab. I just kissed his forehead over and over wishing I could somehow blow the life back into him... I know that can never happen. He will rot in the ground forever. It was just a slight dent on his head under his hair. His beautiful brown hair. You will never convince me he should have not tried to have been saved. I have seen people survive way worse injuries but they were taken to a hospital. They literally just let him lay there until his pulse stopped. I’m too poor to afford an attorney. Just like my grandpa that I never met, but I have been told by my entire family he was beat by a bunch of police officers and left to die in the hospital. My grandmas mom was overdosed in Tylenol at the hospital and her sister died of alcohol poisoning because the hospital would not treat her. Why are the poor just left to die? Because the poor can not afford lawyers, and they know it. I visited him almost every day for the 2 weeks in the morgue, we did not exactly have 5 grand laying around for a funeral so I had to gather some money before the services. I felt awful letting him stay in a morgue that long, but my other choice was cremation which I do not believe in. I wanted it to do it as my native american ancestors did which was bury him outside in a cave but its illegal. I have seen too many cremations where people get the wrong ashes when the DNA test them and I wanted a proper burial, and a place to visit him. We built the casket since I was not paying an additional 5 grand for a wooden box with pillows in it. My stepdad found old redwood on the farm and various other woods to build it with. My brother would have liked it, because he loved to fall trees. He did it for fun almost every time we went to the woods. “Sis, lets go to the woods so I can cut down a tree.” He called me Sis even as an adult. The handles were made out of deer antlers, his first deer that he killed. I bought him a red comforter set because that was his favorite color. I dressed him in his banana pajama pants and his work shirt, because he loved roofing, and one of his cozy flannels. I hope you're cozy brother. Lots of people showed up to the funeral. At least 100 people. My boss and coworker, my brothers coworkers, all my family, even distant family we never really speak to like my grandpas brother. People I did not know. My moms ex husband (my other siblings father) and his parents came. It was a very sad day, watching my grandparents cry as he went into the ground. Everyone took turns getting up to speak. I did as well, but it took so much courage for me to get up there in front of everyone and not bawl and bawl and bawl. I have never seen so many grown men cry in my life until that day. I tried so hard not to bawl but when he went into the ground I lost it, everyone did. We waited until he was buried and smoked a joint on his grave and planted some flowers even though it was freezing and raining and cold. I really did everything I could to make sure he had a proper burial. The celebration of life was a week later, another day we had to put fake smiles on our faces and socialize. What is amazing is how many people it united. But it comes back to The Butterfly Effect, if I would have said hey lets hangout. If I would have been on that road ten minutes later, because I was right fucking there right before it happened. If anyone else would have said they would go and he would have left earlier. Most importantly, if they would have taken him to a hospital and actually tried to do something instead of letting him lay there until his pulse stopped and then throwing him into a body bag. I will never, ever forget him and will never let his legacy die.

[saintkimora]

ok, here is a full account of what happened yesterday and the new events from today. caleb if you are seeing this please respect my privacy and stop reading now 

ok so it started the other day. caleb texted me at night saying he wanted to talk to me about something serious the next day. i asked what it was about and he said he just wanted to be friends but i didnt read too much into it bc he is impulsive so i figured he would come to his senses the next day

so then yesterday happened. i had just gotten out of sociology at like 10:40am and i saw that he had texted me all these things about breaking up. then when i got to my car he called me on the phone. he then proceeded to break up with me over the phone. his reasoning was that since hes prob moving in a few weeks, he wanted to stop being boyfriends now that way when he does leave itll hurt less than it would, so like easing himself out of the relationship basically. i think its a stupid idea 

so these are the issues i had. the first was that he broke up with me over the phone, not even in person. and like i was crying over the phone and his tone was just like very cold and detached and business like and that really hurt me bc he obv knew i was crying but i didnt feel any sympathy from him whatsoever. like if he was crying i would obv be comforting him and trying to make him feel better not talking like a robot. another thing that hurt was that he gave up on the long distance relationship before we could even try it. it made me feel like i was so worthless and unimportant that he didnt even feel like putting forth the effort to make our relationship work. and the fact that he did this all over a 10 minute phone call on his way to the gym. and then like 20 min after he had the NERVE to post a video on his snap story of him at the gym saying “feeling so good *blushing smile emoji*” like that really hurt my feelings and when i told him that later he was like “oh stop making everything about you it was just how i was feeling after working out” but like? i know he obv wasnt saying that he felt so good about breaking up. but what bothered me was that like after he broke up w me, i was a mess i was literally crying all day and i couldnt do anything but cry i was so upset. and then here he is just going on with his day like its another normal tuesday. like the fact that he was capable of being so happy not even a few hours after breaking my heart made me feel like i was nothing, like it was just an errand like “oh im gonna break up with perry then go to the gym lol” and the fact that he did it over the phone just made me feel so insignificant like i was nothing to him and that really hurt. and like ive tried to be the best boyfriend i can be for him and i try to do everything he asks of me so for him to just break up with me in such a dismissive way makes it feel like he doesnt even care

so i was crying in my car, like really bad like i was BAWLING. so i went to the student counseling center and asked for a crisis meeting and i got set up w this counselor named josh. he was nice and tried to help me calm down and focus on orgo. it was nice to have someone to talk to i guess

so then i went home. he called me again to like try to explain himself but only made me feel worse. he was like “you know when i move im not gonna be able to see you everyday and cuddle with you and fall asleep on your chest anymore” and that just made me sadder and i was crying again on the phone. then later we were texting and he was like denying breaking up with me. like, you said you wanted to just be friends and you explicitly said that you didnt want to be boyfriends anymore so how is that not breaking up??? and he said “i was trying to have a conversation with you but all you did was cry.” with the period to show how serious he was. and it really hurt me when he said that bc it felt like he was mad at me and using me crying against me, like i somehow did something wrong by crying. again if he was the one crying i would not be holding it against him like that so i really wish he didnt say that bc it made me feel bad for being emotional which should not be something to feel bad about. and at the end of the call he didnt say i love you like he always does so that hurt my feelings as well

and like i took away the hearts from his contact name and changed my phone backgrounds since they were pictures of him and that just made me really sad

i skipped psych and anatomy lecture but i couldnt skip my anatomy practical. i cried when i was backing up my car to leave bc i saw the “hi <3″ that he wrote in the dirt on my back windshield a while ago and it just set me off. so i got to school and i was planning on having this be the dropped grade so i wasnt like worried but i got a 90 anyways so that was nice. the prof was like “perry whats wrong you look depressed” and i was like im just a little sad today and he was like why and i was like “bc my significant other broke up w me” (i used s/o bc idk how my prof is about those things so i didnt wanna say bf). he told me this story about how in his senior year of college he had such bad mono it was misdiagnosed as hodgkins disease so he was given 18 months to live and his gf of 4 years left him after finding out. so he told me “perry, girls are like a bus. if you miss one, another one will come along in 15 minutes. if i had daughters i would tell them the same thing about guys” so that was nice that he tried to cheer me up. then when i was leaving from the other room (bc we leave our stuff in the other room during the practical) the TA came to me from the main room and wished me luck on my finals so that was nice of him 

so then i went home. then at 10pm i met w caleb in person in his car. we talked and at first he would not let me get a word in and he just kept defending himself and what also upset me was that he thought the reason i was so upset was that he was moving and he was so defensive like “i wish i could stay here but i have no choice i cant afford to live here its too expensive” and like that is not what upset me!!! i already knew he was moving ive had time to accept it what upset me was how he broke up w me for no reason w almost no warning and did it in such a cold way. and like the way i see it is since hes leaving instead of easing ourselves out of the relationship to stop us from getting hurt when he actually leaves (which wont happen bc itll hurt regardless), i figured we should make the most of our time together and enjoy each other as much as possible since we’ll have plenty of time to get over each other AFTER he moves. so when i told him my point of view he was like “i wish i thought of it like that, im really bad at this” so that was how i resolved the issue. he was hesitant about keeping the bf label but i told im i really wanted to and i didnt see a point in taking away the label now anyways. i also told him i at least wanted to try long distance instead of giving up before it even happens. i dont remember what he said to it though lol i was too emotional. but yeah the beginning of the convo just felt like he was berating me and i started to cry again bc i dont like it when hes rude to me like that

then he told me that im so sensitive i could see a squirrel in the road and cry and i had to explain to him that i am not a sensitive and emotional person! im normally v reserved w my emotions like ive only cried maybe 3 times the past 8 years and that im just emotional when it comes to him bc i care about him so much

another thing that bothered me was that he said every relationship teaches a lesson, and from ours he learned not to rush into things. i dont get that bc yes we did rush but that wasnt really a bad thing? like he wouldve moved regardless so taking things slow wouldnt have changed that. and like since we rushed into things it will hurt more when he leaves since we are closer than we would be if we took it slow but also like, if we didnt rush we wouldnt have gotten so close and had so much fun together in the first place. so imo the benefits of getting so close so fast vastly outweighed the pain of him leaving

so everything would be great except for this next part. he told me the easing out of the relationship thing was bc he got the advice to do that from his mom and leeann. so when i got home i made a post calling leeann toxic and his mom stupid for interfering in our relationship. and like yall can tell that obv i was kidding and just exaggerating for humorous effect like i dont really think his mom is stupid or that leeann was toxic, just that their advice in the situation was bad. but caleb texted me this morning being so rude calling me disgustingly disrespectful for saying that and he said that “next time you think about doing this remember how it felt when i dumped you (so he admitted that he did dump me) - and get those tissues ready” (since ive been using a lot of tissues since i was crying so much). that really really hurt my feelings bc 1. he is once again using me crying against me and 2. it shows a total lack of sympathy for me crying, like it felt like hell yesterday i was so upset and he knows that so for him to threaten to put me through that again just shows he doesnt really care about me or my feelings. 

he also said i need to stop using him and leeann and his mom as “characters in your online stories” like...these arent online stories? this blog is where i vent and talk about my feelings since i dont have anyone to do that with irl and i need to get them out somewhere im not writing these posts to be mean it just feels good to put my thoughts into words instead of bottling them up and even my therapist thinks its a good thing for me to do  

so he said that but i was NOT having it. i typed up a long text in response and even i admit it was kinda mean. like in his he said “dont even talk to me for the rest of the day” so at the end of my text i said “dont talk to me ever i am perfectly fine w never talking to you again the rest of my life so bye have fun in new hampshire or whatever” and he was like “perry stop you dont mean that last part” and then he called me and once again got defensive he said he was just trying to have a convo w me and i was being aggressive for no reason. like, no??? a convo would have been texting me like “perry i know its your personal blog where you post your feelings but this post upset me and this is why” not coming at me with 4 super rude texts out of nowhere. so he was trying to play the victim and paint me as irrational and that im overreacting just like he did yesterday and i didnt like it! he was just dismissing my feelings again. so i went OFF in this phone call like wow i really snapped and it felt good tbh

like i think he was just expecting me to sit there and take it and apologize like i usually do when he gets like this but i am done doing that! so i think he was caught off guard that i stood up for myself. i was like caleb i really dont care i have the most important orgo test of the semester today you already took yesterday from me but today i am not entertaining it if you have an issue call me after my test” and i ended the convo and hung up and then he texted me “good luck on your test” like ok hi king of passive aggressiveness 

so thats it. i felt good at first but later on i felt bad so i texted him apologizing for snapping at him but i said i wont discuss the tumblr issue until we are in person. i asked if he was free tonight and he said no he wants a day or two to be separate and normally i would understand but like...hes moving in a few weeks i really dont want to waste time fighting and being in this weird place

not to be out of order but another thing that got on my nerves was when we made up last night. he said “once i move youll have more free time for things like school, work, maybe going to the gym” like once again here he is commenting on my appearance! like yes i know im scrawny and i wish i wasnt but im sick of him taking jabs at my looks like my body, acne, and eyebrows when i literally have NOTHING but nice things to say about how he looks. it makes me feel bad when he points out my flaws like that and a good boyfriend is not supposed to make me feel like that

now for the most recent development. leeann sent me this LONG fb message bc caleb told her what i posted about her. like why does he have to expose me like that! i didnt read the message i was like “yeah im not reading this but just so you know i was kidding i wasnt serious i was exaggerating lol” and she was like ok lol 

i just dont know why she thinks i care about her input on MY relationship? like youre calebs friend not mine to be frank i dont give a fuck what you think about whats best for my relationship like you dont know me so mind your business

and thats another thing. in the past caleb has gotten pissed at me for sharing our business too much (by telling my friends (who he will literally never meet since they all went away for school) and by posting on here) yet here he goes telling leeann everything! seems hypocritical to me

and heres a second thing. i have always told caleb that my blog is my personal space where i can safely vent and talk about my feelings and that he should respect my privacy by not reading my personal posts. and ive told him that if he does wanna read them then hes doing so at his own risk bc im not going to filter myself bc this is MY space not his so if he really wants to overstep his boundaries and look at my posts then he cant get mad at me for them bc HE is the one choosing to read them even after my warning! so i dont think he should be getting mad at me especially when i was in such an extreme state of mind yesterday since he put me through the worst day of my life for no reason which literally couldve been 100% avoided if he had just waited to talk to me in person instead of breaking up w me over the phone. and like now i feel like this isnt even a space place for me to express myself anymore since theres a chance of him seeing. and i tried blocking him before but he made a new blog and wont tell me the url so i cant block him smh

so yeah thats everything that happened. im kinda stressed rn w this whole leeann drama even though he shouldnt have been reading my posts in the first place. like its just so much drama and i dont like how it feels and idk why this relationship turned sour so fast and i wish he would just be nice and sweet to me again. so hopefully things get better