#i hope i didn't went too far though ahah

[esmiara]

Congrats on 5k @kokoasci!!

Did the DTIYS with my own original Sigma outfit since we were allowed to~ It wasn't the point but it was a lot of fun to try my hand at Koko's style for a bit!

Actually recorded a small timelapse of it too:

[hazbinhazbinhazbinreblog]

This convo idea came to me. Not seen or stated in convo but, they are in Radio Guard Al's radio tower while he fiddles with his equipment for a broadcast. (Warning from maybe semi graphic description of murder?)

HS!Alastor: So uh asking a totally hypothetical question, one TOOOTALLY not based on any forms of personal experience or what hahahah BUT! Like, if you did, which you know, who knows, maybe you did, maybe you didn't but..uh..umm, again hypothetical, did you ever kill a parent? Preferably, your dad? Again all hypothetical because pfff, who would-

Radio Guard!Al: Oh yeah I did. Not as a child though. It happened after my mother lost her battle against tuberculosis. Nasty thing, attacked the poor things lungs until all that came out of her was a wheeze.

HS!Alastor: Did you not live with him as a child? If you uh, don't mind me asking of course. You can just ignore if this gets too personal hahaha.

Radio Guard!Al:....I did. He walked out on me and my ma when I was...15 or 16? Surprise he didn't do it sooner, the fuc- //clears thorat

Radio Guard!Al: He was...a horrible man. A power hunger monster who seemed the thrive when people were scare of him. A glutton and a hag. He would yell to get his point across and if not that he resorted to threats. You name it, he probably threaten it. All to keep us under his thumb. He find any reason to punish. Any. //deep breath

Radio Guard!Al: But like I said, he walked out when I was old enough I guess. Heard years later he became a born against Christian, HAH. Just more ways to make people fear him I guess, instead of threats with his fist, it was threats of God. Not like his precious Lord did much for him, not after I found him. Fucker didn't even recognize me! I think every higher power I got all of my mother's looks and only the bastard's hair color when I was alive. He didn't even recognize me, not at first, but when he did it was already too late as he was already grasping for air in the baptism water. Didn't kill him at first or maybe it did, but I was so blinded by pent of rage from the years of tyranny I experienced all I could see was red. Took the nearest object...think it was..the chalice you drink wine from and just whaled on him. Didn't stop until the smell of copper hit my nose and I look down and his head was completely caved in. //coughs

Radio Guard!Al: Apologizes, apologizes. I didn't mean to get into too much detail on myself and my fatherly kill. You asked a simple, if not, curious, question and I went a bit too detail. Will add to wrap this up by saying I was lucky enough to be allowed to kill him more than once as you can guess he was sent to hell. So I am one of the few who can brag and say I killed him twice ahah! I do hope that answer you question.

HS!Al: Y-yeah it does, but I have one more, if that is alright...

Radio Guard!Al: Of course! Fire away my little me.

HS!Al: Do...do you regret it? Killing him?

Radio Guard!Al: Regret implies I felt anything towards that monster. The only thing I regret is drawing out his death more, so it may be as torturous and as slow as he deserved.

HS!Al: O-oh,,,

Radio Guard!Al: I believe I hear your Vox calling for you. I do very much apologize if I spook you, but if I may, can I leave you with a bit of advice?

HS!Al: Uh,,,sure! As you said, fire away

Radio Guard!Al: Do not feel like you need to shed tears for that monster nor feel pity towards the what ifs on what he could have been. Men like him, even if given the right tools to change, never will, not unless they know it will benefit them. They are selfish to their cores, and the world is better off without them. You can pity them, you can be anger at them, it's only human. But remember the pain they infected onto you so your heart never tricks you into believing you regret it, because that will only hurt you more in the long run.

Radio Guard!Al: And remember, you have a better head on your shoulders than the most of us. You are nothing like him nor like us, you will go far, child. You will burn brighter than the stars themself. Now run along, don't need your Voxxy worrying into an early hellish grave over ya!

HS!Al: Y-yeah,, yeah! Um thank-you, bye-bye //runs off

Radio Guard!Al, watching him run off: Maybe I have grown soft, or maybe I have just grown fond of the local youth as my time as a stand-in father, but I'm rooting for you. And please...do not end up like any of us,,,

well, this ended angsty oop -⚔️ anon

That was extremely painful but also probably something HS!Alastor needed to hear, harsh but comforting at the same time in its own way

[gurokichi]

No need to be sorry, Doll noticed you didn't sleep at the same time, so kinda assumed you'd be sleeping,,, I hope you slept well Bon <3

He didn't break anything. He's a very good kitty! Just very easily could have broken many things.

Since Bon didn't have any ideas, Doll went to find a few ideas that they thought Bon would like! Each have a reasoning or meaning stated! I hope you like them ^^

Forget-me-nots: they are blue, small, and dainty, and often mean love or true love. Roses: In general, they mean love and are just stunning flowers,,, I specifically want black roses, though... they mean obsessive love. White roses would be nice as well, loyalty cause doll will always be loyal to their bon! Baby's breath: unconditional love, they are dainty and doll like, and perfect for in bouquets for my Bon!! Baby's breath is one of my favorite flowers in bouquets!!! Foxglove: they are beautiful, with beautiful meaning, just a flower we've become fond of.

Doll will try to remember it's place with you better (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ⁄ ⁄ ⁄<⁄ ⁄) It was just a misunderstanding, no need to apologize! Doll will always want your love and attention~

I- HDHHXHSBAUIDHEBD

Thank you so much for all this omfg,,, this means so much- tbh I just realized that "we" used "we" multiple times just now. A few in the system very much would be considered obsessive,,, and most of us very needy!!! Some in different ways than others but still obsessive and/or needy. (I don't think anyone has really addressed us like this and it left me speechless in the best way possible, omfg-)

Doll had been admiring you for some time before reaching out! You had just stood out to me, you're amazing! Doll had almost immediately felt very jealous that others got your attention,,, Doll is also glad they sent that ask ^^ Knowing Bon gets excited when he sees a notification from me truly is a compliment, thank you Bon! Dolly is very happy it's able to flatter you my Bon <3

-Doll 💕🎀

My sleep wasn’t the best, actually. I purposefully tried to make it uncomfy to sleep so that I wouldn’t… ended up sleeping anyways, and it was probably the worst nap I’ve ever had. Not worth it </3

Good to hear that he didn’t break anything!

AH, those are all so well thought out. Thank you for taking the time to search for them and write down their meanings for me! I truly appreciate it. They’re all such gorgeous flowers, in both looks and what they symbolize.

Of course!! I was a bit worried I might’ve overstepped when addressing that bit to the entire system, but I’m relieved that it seems like it was appreciated. I was unsure if it would be seen as odd since I assume that I’ve only been talking to you so far, Doll. I’m sorry to hear that nobody’s acknowledged you guys like that before; you all deserve to be heard and seen :(

Ahah, I don’t think amazing is a word I’d use to describe myself, but I do appreciate that you think I am!! And don’t worry, Dolly, I will always have attention to give you. I enjoy our conversations quite a bit, so it’s always nice to check Tumblr and see something from you.

Just letting you know now… I may take a lil bit to respond to your next ask if you send one in response to this. I’m still very tired, and it’s making it kind of hard to think. I also might end up falling asleep again, so if I disappear, that’s why. I hope you don’t mind too much if my responses seem a bit slower and/or shorter… or if I end up falling asleep!! (^_^;)

[amaya-chwan]

Takeaways from Therapy Game Restart 13.5

Hello everyone! Hope you've all been well~ ❤️💛💜 It's that time of the month--a new chapter of Therapy Game Restart!

Thank you for being so patient with me! 💜 I've actually started watching more dramas these days, so I've been a tad distracted from reading! If anyone is interested, I just finished watching Begin Again (从结婚开始恋爱) starring Gong Jun and Zhou YuTong! It's a wonderful blend of romance, comedy, and drama (and breaks the fourth wall in an episode, surprisingly! Ahah!)! I highly recommend it! ❤️❤️❤️

Anyway! In this month's Dear+, we have a special side chapter that takes place after Itsuki, Minato, Shizuma, and Shouhei clean up Itsuki's apartment and before Shizuma and Minato's Friday Date (from chapter 13!)

Here is the first page preview from Dear+'s Official Twitter page! 😍

Since this chapter is really short, I'll just go straight into our summaries! Please continue after the cut for the complete summary (plus some surprises, as usual~ 😉✨)

Our chapter starts with Itsuki, Minato, Shizuma, and Shouhei sitting in an izakaya. Itsuki thanks them for helping him clean his apartment and he is glad he can now welcome Shouhei into his home without any worries! As a treat, he is treating everyone to eat here. While our Secret XXX dorks are being all lovey-dovey to each other, Shizuma commends Minato for helping since morning.

Minato, who isn't in the best of moods, quickly acknowledges Shizuma's comment. We find this is an izakaya Itsuki frequents, so the waitress tells him and the others to take their time and enjoy.

From Minato's inner dialogue, he can't quite understand how his and Shizuma's relationship just went back to normal after their fight, and is mad Shizuma seems to be too normal. Still, Minato finds it difficult to start a conversation with Shizuma despite sitting right next to him. He sips his beer while Shizuma drinks Oolong tea as he is driving.

Shouhei confesses to Itsuki that he still doesn't understand why Itsuki replaced all his electronics. Itsuki says that he's basically treating Shouhei like is own child (?), which Shouhei had suspected all along. He clings onto Itsuki in a flirtatious fashion and mumbles cutely that he wanted to use all the electronics Itsuki used too. Minato, a witness to this scene, is very annoyed.

Minato glances over at Shizuma. He bluntly states that Shizuma shouldn't follow in Itsuki's footsteps (in replacing all his furniture etc.) since Minato's electronics and furniture are still new, and he plans to use them in their new home. He warns Shizuma that Itsuki has quite the savings, so Shizuma, as a newbie to living outside of his familial home, should set his money aside for savings and house deposit/rent.

After saying all that, Minato's mood gets even worse as he actually wanted to tell Shizuma that he'd buy him anything he wants! Shizuma agrees to Minato's warning, and in his inner monologue, he hypes himself up to save money for other furniture they might need.

Itsuki, looking happily at Shizuma and Minato, realises that Minato is growing up, especially since he and Shizuma are now talking about moving in together. Itsuki likens this feeling to a father giving his daughter away (i.e. to her husband). Minato questions this, while Shizuma is shocked.

Shizuma apologises to Itsuki as he had wanted to inform him of their decision properly, but Itsuki tells him it's fine and not to apologise.

Itsuki honestly tells Shizuma that even though Minato can be difficult at times, he is at ease knowing Minato is well taken care of by Shizuma and trusts him to take care of his younger brother. He tells Shizuma he leaves Minato in his hands, to which Shizuma responds with "Of course! I'll treasure him!"

Unable to handle the conversation happening in front of him and the fact that he isn't being looked at or doted on, Minato continues to drink, trying to get very drunk--he even drinks Shouhei's drink. But it fails. He can't get drunk (probably at most, tipsy).

Minato excuses himself to go to the toilet, have a smoke, and get more beer, but he really is just leaving to get out of this situation. Minato realises that he hasn't been able to talk to Shizuma, nor has he been taken care of since getting "drunk", and wonders when he will be able to touch Shizuma.

He smokes in an alleyway and talks to himself. While mentioning that it'd be nice if he could just get a little drunk, a voice behind him asks why he didn't get a stronger liquor. He responds with "My boyfriend is drinking Oolong tea next to me, so having Shochu would definitely look more charming..."

The voice behind him happens to be Shizuma, who tells him to just drink anything he wants. Minato is quite surprised! Shizuma asks Minato if he's alright, but Minato just tries to get Shizuma to go back inside. Shizuma asks again if Minato is really okay, and then the next pages happen:

Minato, with tears in his eyes, says "Finally!" while Shizuma blushes. Shizuma comforts and teases him at the same time, saying "There, there. You being drunk like this is very adorable." Minato tells him to be quiet, don't talk, and to just support him.

Back in the izakaya, the elderly gentlemen from earlier recall seeing two youngsters having "a sumo match." Shouhei, already quite drunk, tells Itsuki he wants to see it, but Itsuki just tells him they should stay put and wait inside, knowing exactly who the two men are talking about. 😉

And that's it for this special chapter! THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR! 💜 📢  As always, please support Hinohara-sensei by purchasing her books and CDs! 📢

As always, stay safe during these turbulent times and look out for each other and for your loved ones! 💜❤️💛

The next chapter will be in next month's (June) Dear+, so hopefully we can get a continuation from that steaminess in chapter 13!

Update 2021-06-01: finally got around to editing this! Thank you for being so patient! 💜

Also, I hate to sound like a broken record, but please refrain from reposting the images I've shared outside of my posts! 😭

But anyway, I'll see you all for the next set of takeaways~ ❤️💛💜

[valkerymillenia]

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 7

More thoughts and live blogged reactions.

1982. I'm assuming Five used a briefcase... But in s1 we saw that the briefcase travels are tracked (Hazel and Cha-Cha got reprimanded for Klaus's Vietnam trip) so I'm not sure how the board doesn't know someone is coming... I might be overthinking.

Five being creepy.

Is that a Fudge Nutter like Handler mentioned in season 1? Oh, it is.

Jesus, Five! Anger management for you, old man.

AAHH! THEY LET FIVE SAY FUCK! Fucking finally! 🤣

How did nobody notice that destruction? 😆

Oh, the axe! Is Five going to go all American psycho? Because I'd love to see that.

HOLY SHIT!

That smile!

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

Is he using tiny time travel bursts like Reggie said? Or a briefcase? Or is he just that fast?

AJ hiding under the table 😆

Pausing to drink water and grin, what a psycho, I love him.

He's definitely using time jumps but they are so controlled that I'm guessing briefcase or Handler little time stopping trick. I'm so proud of my mass murder baby.

... Vending machine? Lady, you have interesting priorities.

CRICKET BAT!

Wait! AJ's human body feels pain? How?

Please make Five swallow the fish like in the comics! Please, please, please, please.

The dancers are just like

I LOVE FIVE! The lengths this little killer will go for his family are unbelievable, nobody should ever doubt his love and devotion for them ever again.

This whole murder scene was incredible and Five's obvious glee made it even better. FEAR HIM!

Jesus, Klaus is so afraid of being possessed that he's afraid to sleep and Ben just mocks him? 😘💋 I get that this is supposed to be a funny 'brothers messing with each other' kind of thing but Klaus feels so unsafe that it makes me uncomfortable. What happened to you, Ben, when did you become so dark? You were the nice one!

Ben just getting closer and closer every time Klaus closes his eyes just gave me Doctor Who flashbacks.

"I hate your face" "I hate all of you" - Don't say that boys! You know you love each other.

Ok, Ben has a point. I'm actually liking this conversation. And I'm liking that Klaus is starting to understand his brother.

Ok, this is such a brother conversation. And Klaus constantly pretending not to know who Jill is 😆

Ground rules... Well, at least it's consensual now. That's something. See? Communication works.

Damn, the tension at the lunch table cut be cut with a knife. I'm scared what Carl is going to do.

Ray and Allison have a lovely relationship but I finally identified the problem, the tension I was feeling between since them a few eps back. It's not about Allison's secrets at all, is about Ray being so obsessed with his crusade that he completely overlooks Allison's feelings, he only pays attention to her when they are on the page about the mission. He sees her powers and his first thought is 'we could use this for the cause', Allison is clearly distressed and sad and even says she doesn't feel well and all he can think about is the damn JFK meeting. He's not a bad person and he's not doing it on purpose but he has a workaholic one-track mind that could easy turn into neglect for Allison. He clearly loves her and I'm rooting for them so much but I know that if asked to choose between Allison and his cause, he'll pick his cause.

So Five is done with the killing. I figured this might weigh on his conscience, it's one thing to kill for a greater good or survival, coldly and detached, it's another thing to slaughter for selfish reasons (even if his selfish reasons are a greater good).

Handler going all mom on him and wiping his face. 😆

"What I did today, I did for my family" -we know, baby, and they better respect you for it. You love then so much.

90 minutes??? Wtf, I knew Handler would try to screw Five over but that's just cruel, she's forcing him to uproot the family without even giving them time to say goodbye and that's even IF he can get to all of them on time.

It's not a name, you idiots. Also, that's Olga, not öga.

Don't harass the poor woman... Oh God, you guys are such morons... Diego, you dramatic little bitch...

"Wrong number. Have a lovely day" 🤣🤣🤣

I love the new dumbass buddy cop dynamic between Diego and Luther. This is the sort of positive brotherly dynamic they always should have had instead of being pitted against each other all their lives.

"you have some blood on you" "a lot of blood, actually. Five, what did you do?" -the casual, mildly annoyed way they ask is hilarious, if they knew what he did they'd be horrified (and possibly impressed).

Handler's militaristic chic dress is fabulous. I personally don't like it very much (or the message it sends) but it's haute couture and incredibly designed. Also, the bleached hair is back!

"any questions?" And then she leaves without listening. Power move 😏

Luther trying to comfort Diego like the dork he is. 🤣

Really though, I feel bad for Diego, and Five is under so much pressure that I don't blame him for snapping.

"I'm shy" -are you, Klaus? Are you really? You keep walking around in underwear in front of dozens of people, you're not shy.

So is Klaus lactose intolerant?

Ok, so far the possession thing is not as bad as some people were claiming. So far.

"stay focused" *giggle* -oh Ben, you dork 😆

Ahah, Ben enjoying all the different sensory stimuli. Adorable. He's just so happy, poor boy.

Dirt angels. SO CUTE ❤️

I know this all supposed to be cute and all but it would also be a perfect moment for Ben for experience Klaus's powers (the constant hauntings) as well as his addiction and the claustrophobic expectations of the cult. It would be an excellent chance to make Ben understand why Klaus is the way he is, seeing as Klaus is making a huge effort (and sacrifice) to do the same for Ben. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening because I think they want to keep this part about Ben.

By end of season 1 Klaus cried that people still didn't take him seriously, his compassion despite all his suffering made him likeable and deep, but this season he's back to being the family joke, I don't like that there's no resolution to that. But let's see where this goes, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Oh God, Carl's talk is freaking me out.

"who I am is not a disease" -very powerful LGBT+ statement considering it's the 60s!!!!

Oh, the blackmail...

Everybody keeps expecting Vanya to explode every time she gets emotional but this scene proves how much control she truly has. Respect!

Oh, finally Claire is mentioned! I've been rather upset that Allison hasn't mentioned her daughter even once this season (does Ray even know he has a stepdaughter?) seeing as most of her arc in season 1 revolved around her love and guilt over Claire.

Luther is right when he says they don't get live formal lives because they are special but Allison is even more right when she says that's not fair. This is why this family needs to stick together and love each other, they are the only ones that can really understand each other's struggles.

"hope" -Luther, you really are such a sweet summer child.

OH! I CAN FINALLY SEE ALLISON'S SCAR! The lighting in this scene makes it really obvious. Finally.

Ben and the strawberry. 🤣

"you're different today. You're dorkier" ah! First time anyone called Ben 'Sassy' Hargreeves dorky.

Oh Ben, you're adorable... Wait, "smell your hair"? What the fuck, Ben? You weirdo.

Holy crap! Jill is really forward, isn't she? Hippies, man.

Ben stuttering! 😆🤣 He died a virgin, didn't he?

It's funny but please tell me he isn't actually considering that in his brother's body...

Wait, did Klaus slap him because he doesn't want to have sex or because he's trying to stop Ben from ruining his own chance by saying too much?

Actually, I'm almost sure it's the second one, Klaus is playing wingman on his own body!

WHAT????

Ok so Ben IS a virgin but "you, me and Keechie"? What the fuck, Klaus? You slept with the fanatical crybaby and your brother's crush????

"Klaus, you're so filthy!" "Yes, you are, daddy." -Ben, this girl is not right for you. Run, boy!

AHAHAHAH ASDFGDDGGHSGSGASFHDBKDIS 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 DIEGO CALLING HIM DADDY!

Wait, AJ can speak without the body/suit/whatever?

Handler is going a little bit fascist dictator, isn't she?

Gotta admit, Handler really is such a mom in her own twisted way.

Ben giggling when he talks to Diego. Cute.

"Luther sniffs Dad's underwear" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

AWWWWWWWW, BEN AND DIEGO! THE CHILDHOOD HIJINKS! THE HUG!

GOD, THE HUG! ❤️

I need all the siblings hugging Ben now!

"you stay in this body, we need someone responsible behind the wheel" -Diego, I understand what you mean given the situation, but you playing obvious favorites between your brothers when free will and body autonomy are on the line is a little creepy.

"no one is insignificant" -that line is so loaded when used on Vanya.

Oh no, Vanya and Five playing the blame game is so bad... They used to be so close... They are both under so much pressure, this won't end well.

Oh boy, Five looks like he's on the verge of crying and Vanya sees that! I bet that's why she backed down. 😲😢

The Lila and Diego conversation is heartbreaking without even trying...

Is that Elliot? Is Diego burying Elliot because nobody else will? Diego really does have a heart of gold.

Don't drinkit! I'm pretty sure Lila is drugging you.

Yup, there it is.

What is she planning?

Once again, it's all about the movement with Ray.

"I would take my one year with you over a lifetime with anybody else." 😭 Oh Ray ❤️

But I get the feeling this won't end so easily.

There it is, the Swedes just arrived. And the smart assholes went right for Allison's throat.

You don't need the coffee can, Sissy. The Hargreeves are loaded.

Sissy, hurry up.

BEN, YOU ARE SUCH A 90s KID!!! So the Backstreet Boys are Ben's fault, God, I love this dork 🤣

Come on, Allison, you can fight better than this!

Good girl!

Klaus and Ben running and fighting each other at the same time 😆

Holy shit, that is some Exorcist level vomiting!

Poor Klaus, I totally get Ben's side in this (pretty sure he was trying to save Klaus by getting him to Five ASAP) but this whole thing made me mildly uncomfortable. Klaus just keeps sacrificing for everyone and nobody respects his boundaries.

Holy shit, Allison! That is so cruel! I like it though, so ruthless and vicious. 😈

Problem- Allison can't just leave Ray with a white corpse in the house. Especially not in Texas, death penalty and all.

Oh Sissy, you dumbass. You're a sweetheart but also a dumbass.

Ok, Lila is pretty insane. That's for sure.

Five:

"I don't want to hurt you" - well, Vanya warned them.

My baby is getting really good with her powers.

I hope that hit to the head doesn't give Vanya her memory back, that's so cliché and convenient, or would be really bad writing.

SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN. I'm dying to see more!!!!!!

[icharchivist]

Do you think that Killua's assessment of Gon changed when Gon came to get him from his family? I was thinking about how some ppl said that Killua was "cold" for not showing concern while Gon was being tortured, but they weren't as close then (or at least Killua didn't believe so). But something seemed to shift when he met up with Gon again and I was wondering what your thoughts were

Oooooh interesting questions there!! 

Huuh kinda hard to come with a definitve more broad answer before starting developping what i mean so i’ll try my best there.

Imo of course, Killua wanted to have a friend his age, which is why he got curious with Gon, and then everything about Gon surprised him. He got curious about Gon pretty quickly, but I think he started to seriously consider even more how he was interested in Gon after Gon reacted that simply to Killua talking about his family, before the prison exam.

The thing is that, I personally think Killua didn’t realize how much he wanted to be friend with Gon until Illumi came to him. 

I mentioned once i think that I thought it was a shame the anime changed one of Killua’s line in the Prison - in the anime, when he says “Only 3 people will come out of this exam, Gon, i intend you and I to be 2 of them”, in the manga, he doesn’t mention Gon at all and only mention himself.

I think this scene can be a misunderstanding on an anime standpoint because it seems like Killua is a little more invested in his friendship with Gon than he was in the manga at this point at least. (also, the 50 hours in the Prison where they play together in the room isn’t in the manga so Killua isn’t completely smitten yet.)

Killua is interested in Gon right from the start, he was curious, but he wasn’t seriously thinking about it. It was like, happening, but Killua wasn’t paying attention, it was a bit mindless.

When Gon was being tortured, therefore, Killua wasn’t settled over how he felt toward Gon. 

Now also what’s important is that before that, Killua realized the Hunter Organization considered Gon to have more potential than him. And while keeping in mind Killua wasn’t settled on what he wanted from Gon yet, he felt hurt in his pride.

Killua had always been the Chosen Kid, the One his parents always considered had a Great Potential, and everything went smoothly in the exam. However, he saw Gon, who was far more carefree than him, get more positive returns than Killua did.

In the mindset of Killua who was raised believing he was the one with the best potential, the last exam was a hurting his ego. And he hadn’t sorted out what he was thinking about Gon yet at this point.

When Gon got tortured by Hanzo then, Killua only watches with distain. He’s rather cold and not involved, also in the manga.  But that’s because of that: Because at that moment, he doesn’t know how he feels toward Gon aside from interest, and all he’s thinking about now is that he’s being told he has less potential than Gon.

And Gon is barely handling this fight, Killua sees all he could have done instead, and eventually i think Killua being able to handle torture makes him have a step back from how awful the thing in front of him is. Considering how he often commented on his torture training in the early arcs with a lot of calm, i think that while he’s aware other people will react differently, he cannot entierely identify to the pain since it would take much more for him himself to react.

It’s when Illumi comes to him that there’s a real switch. Because suddenly Killua is facing one of the main cause of abuse he had his entiere life. He has illumi in front of him, telling him to come back home, to give up the hunter exam in which Killua found himself strangely emotionally involved in. Killua was trying to free himself from his family influence, and I think eventually being able to talk about his family a bit, especially to Gon, helped him realizing how much he didn’t want to come back.

That’s when it hits him in the face it wasn’t a game: that he wasn’t safe from his family, that his family could still hurt him.

And Illumi forced him to question himself. Illumi kept asking Killua why he’s still involved and I think that’s when Killua realized how much he wanted to be with Gon.

I think Killua went with the flow the entiere Hunter Exam without exactly thinking about his feelings toward the exams nor toward Gon. He just went with it. So during Gon’s fight, he went with what his pride was telling him because he had no other self reflection on it.

It’s Illumi, being a threat, who kept asking questions about what he wanted, that forced Killua to think about it. The realization that he wanted to be friend with Gon hit him at that moment I think. 

It’s when he was threatened to come back to his previous life that he realized how much he enjoyed being with Gon. That he was involved in that Hunter exams because he met Gon the first day, because he had fun with him, that it’s the first time he had fun.

When threatened with his usual abuse, his pride that made him cold at first died down at that moment at least. After all, that pride is rooted in the abuse he endured. And I think it’s only when he had to face it again that he realized it, that he realized that in a way he was still having a part of him that would instinctively trying to be the best of the best like his family taught him, and it took him reflexion to realize how much he cared for Gon.

So to me, Illumi was the catalyst. Before that, Killua wasn’t sure what he was feeling, he wasn’t thinking about it, he was just going with the flow, until he had to comfront it.

At that moment, his reaction to Gon’s fight make total sense to me. He had no settled answers before Illumi happened.

But Illumi threatened Gon, and kept doing mindgames against Killua. He reinforced the idea that Killua was a killer. Hell, if i’m right, the fact Killua automatically ended up thinking “but i’m the best one, i was told so” and be hurt in his pride, might have hit Killua in the face as Illumi was telling him he was a killer born. Because even if he wanted to escape it, he still had the mechanism to react the way he did to being considered less interesting than Gon. Which reinforced the idea that he was everything his family wanted him to be, and not someone worthy of staying by Gon’s side, ie the self saboting. 

(also about that: this is something that is often seen with abuse victims, of mechanically thinking and doing the things you were taught, and that’s what I think Killua did accidentally. However, I don’t think this was actually what he wanted. A lot of time, it’s really just a mechanism, usually a survival mechanism to fit the narrative the abuser put on you. He’s so used to think that way that he didn’t realize it was wrong until after it happened.)

So Killua left. It’s possible Illumi did mess with his mind a little, especially with the needle, but I think that’s what freaked him out. Illumi was reminding him Killua was a killer, like him and Silva raised him, and Killua could think about how he was reacting just earlier to what happened to Gon, the one he wants to befriend, with the mechanism Silva and Illumi taught him. 

So the emotional manipulation paid off, and the need to protect Gon did too. It’s likely he was completely dissociating when he killed Leorio’s adversary (and still to argue if he didn’t do that because he wanted to protect Leorio without realizing - after all Leorio just earlier was defending his rights to be friend with Gon and was actually being supportive, facing Illumi without blinking.). He wasn’t thinking straight, and he went back home.

If he realized he wanted to be friend with Gon, and that in a way they were already friend like Leorio told him, he didn’t feel worthy of being his friend, being an assassin who will hurt him. He was completely drowned by Illumi’s manipulation, and he let his family d whatever they wanted with him, thinking he fucked upw ith them, and that there was no way out. That he tried a way out and Illumi caught back on him.

Gon though, didn’t like it. Gon came to him and forced a way out. Gon brusted through his door to tell him he wanted to be by his sides, that he wanted him to get better.

when Killua hears the news of Gon being there, he lights up. He starts to think more coerently. Because Gon is ready to be his friend, and Gon doesn’t have any hard feelings against him. Gon wants to be with him just as much as he wants to be with him, and it’s something Gon proved, he proved Leorio’s words. 

And that’s the moment he wants to try.

It’s not just a wishfull thinking, he can get out. And he has a friend. Maybe he’ll end up hurting him, but he wants to try because Gon wants him to try. Gon wants to get to him. And Killua wants to let him in.

So that’s basically my thoughts on this part of the story. I think Killua went through a very complex train of thoughts that he had a hard time acknowledging and understanding. But as soon as he sees Gon again, he’s settled on what he wants. He wants to be with Gon. From that point it’s not just about “not being like the family” it’s about being something. 

It took time for Killua to get to this and to fight his own mechanical reactions due to his abuse.

But I think at the moment he decided to leave with Gon and was officially safe to do it, things went better for him. And he was accepting that he wanted to befriend Gon and set his pride aside. 

So ye!! 

I don’t have any good intro/conclusion to that reply ahah, but I hope you get what i mean, i feel like i repeated myself a lot.

take care! :D

[gurokichi]

My day was alright, much better now that I have you to talk to!!! I stayed in bed till lunchtime, made a phone call i had been procrastinating, or at least tried to- most of my daybwas spent in bed or on the couch though,,, Doll didn't sleep the best last night so they've been tired and sore (╥﹏╥)

Of course, I'd watch BSD for you! Doll doesn't currently have a favorite anime. I haven't been watching much recently,,, part of the reason why I asked for recommendations from you, my Bon!!!

Awe, it doesn't surprise me that you'd be intrigued by my body! I'm so happy that I've been noticed by you for some time now,,, makes me more pleased to be your doll now, too! Maybe I'll have to write about you one day 💕

- Your Doll

Sorry for the late reply, Dolly, I was a bit preoccupied with working on my blog… I’m glad your day went alright! Seems like a cozy day, good job on trying to make that phone call! I’m sorry that you didn’t sleep the best last night, hopefully tonight will be better. My poor little doll :(

Ahah, well, I hope that you enjoy it! Some other favorite animes of mine are My Hero Academia and Seraph of the End. Some I need to finish watching but have been enjoying so far are The Case Study of Vanitas, Assassination Classroom, Welcome to Demon School! Iruma-kun, Toilet-bound Hanako-kun, Jujutsu Kaisen, and Black Butler. Most of those are pretty well known, so sorry if you already have watched them!! Just trying to throw out suggestions (^_^;)

I’ve gone through the entirety of your blog, actually. Your writing is so so pretty, I’d be honored if you were to write something about me. How long have you been writing for? Do you hope to pursue writing professionally one day, or would you rather keep it as just a hobby? Speaking of hobbies, what’re some of yours?