#i just experience the horrors constantly & dont like to burden people with my existence when its unwanted & say things uninvited & etc

[wife]

i actually do feel like ive been doing slightly better at this lately though.. like replying to peoples posts and trying to initiate conversations and dms and stuff... so i am winning a bit

[bhreathe]

I wrote this a year ago. 29 February 2020. I am still here now, almost a year later. But i just thought this is necesaary for my own diary.

30 year old, no business, jobless, gay, atheist or perhaps agnostic, raped, hiv-positive man living in a conservative country with conservative extended family with probably more open-minded small family

I used to be in control of everything. I was 26, healthy, with loved ones, proper career, and sufficient business experience.

I felt i could do anything.

I thought the stair to the world was built and stacked.

But, now, i feel my best qualities and circumstances are gone

I am growing darker. I keep saying sorry to others, because nobody is saying it to me. Nobody is sorry of what they have done. And i dont want others to see me like this.

I worry that i will pollute us, our home, our air, our life.

I wanna believe that everything is falling into place eventually, but i simply cannot dismiss that the perspective is falling apart instead.

Unfortunately this is why i do not want to be closer to anyone. I feel like i am a corruption that would infect you with my ego, my selfishness, my negative perspective in life. I do not want to grow into a manipulative one. If you are drenched in tears right now, thank you, as that would be the last manipulation i want to attempt to you.

I am saddened by our circumstances and my choices. But we are family. I know why you all did what you did. Why you all do what you do.

I know why Mom chose to build herself a walk in closet when i barely have space to live because she needed to maintain her own sanity.

I know why Mas decided to take over the restaurant when it was clearly what i was planning to do because he needed to make sure his budding family is safe and sound.

I know why my Dad ignored what happened to me because he was also tired of non-fulfilling life, and Mas Raffa gave him life.

I know. I know.

I know why you all did what you did. Why you all do what you do. Mbak Nadia, Mas Raffa, his younger siblings, are the new leaf. New loan of life for our family.

Mom, remember when i was small, i dreamt of you passing away. In the dream, The journey back home after burying you was a labyrinth, consisting of long and winding paths. Your specter showed up here and there telling me i was okay. I woke up from the dream, sobbing with you next to me.

Dad, remember when i was young, i went to the pesantren retreat. When the time to go home finally came, me and my brother were waiting for you. And yet you were not there. So we had to board the bus. My brother was so annoyed by my cries.

But I am aware at that point of time that i loved mom and dad so very much. I needed you all so very much. And you too Mas, Mbak.

My friends, especially the one i spent most of my times in the most recent years. Thank you for spending it with me. For my hiv-positive friends, keep living, i know its ironic for me for saying that, but i hope i shed some lights to the issue that we are facing.

For the closest ones, K and Y, who have taken me in as refuge, thank you. Thank you for accepting almost everything about me.

For my ex-es, thank you for ever embracing me in your arms. For A, thank you for trying your best to accept me and pamper me, even in our worst moment. My last memory is filled to the brim with our time spent together. It was beautiful and i would rather have it as my last moments.

Masodo, thank you for being a strong brother for me. You are kind. But you need to learn that the world does not revolve around you. People will talk when they need to talk. When you force other to talk when they do not want to, it speaks louder on your issues rather on theirs. I am only telling you this, not because you are a man of the family, but because you are the leader of the family. You are the only heir now. Be kind, be patient, and be earful. Listen. Really listen.

Mbak Nad, i am sorry for leaving you like this. Please take care of mom and dad, for my brother is not built for that. He may provide for money but he was not tuned for tending to my parents, but i believe you can.

Mas Raffa, (dan adik-adiknya) always do the right thing. Be a good person. Be kind to others and yourself. Be powerful, beautiful and knowledgeable so that you can protect and nurture others. Learn to be strong and benevolent so that you can stand back and let others shine along.

Remember, a sun can only make a solar system. But, millions or billions of stars can concoct a galaxy.

Remember that anger and jealousy are not necessary. Everyone is equal, despite the differences in skin color, race, religious belief, nationality, sex, sexual orientation, or ability. Never judge others unless it is related to life and harm, for you can only imagine how one person journey was and to be, but you could have never been really in their shoes; even if you are their twin. The world will always be unjust, unfair and unkind, that does not mean you shouldn’t be just, fair, and kind. God may be exist, but god may also not be exist; but the learning from the religious teachings is nevertheless a valuable thing.

You know, the worst part about having a depression, is people expect you to behave as if you don’t have one. And maybe because i have put on so many masks in my life, just to get by, i believed that people would not believe me if i told my story.

If only, i am smart enough. To think of other alternatives, other possibilities, other conjunctures in my life. I may choose a different path. But i am not, so that’s that.

If i am no longer breathing upon this message was received, understand that, this is my choice. None of you; dad, mom, mas, mbak, my past partners, my closest ones, my friends, or my colleagues, are responsible for this.

I am merely exhausted. Drained of life. Tired of how i should live well and according to society. Constantly pretending that i am sturdy, benevolent, and clever, as if i am the desired child and person is exhausting. I am as brittle as a chip of ice. I am as benevolent and clever as Rasputin kind.

You may call me coward. But, At least i am brave enough to take my own life, right Bi? and not being called annoying coward for keep complaining. Rather than living and become a monthly major burden. I would rather be a yearly minor burden. I hope it is minor, as the grave should not cost as much money as my living necessities. Hehe. Sorry for this dark humour, it has always been a part of me.

If one day you meet a person who is similar to one of my many characteristics, be that older than 30 years, have no job, have no business or busy-ness, part of queer community, part of atheist/agnostic community, experienced the horror of rape or sexual assault, has hiv-positive status (or other situation where they might be shunned by people or their own thought), or simply a refuge from where they used to live, please grace them with support, kindness, and sincerity for part of me is living among them.

[theonlynobody]

When your mind is flooded with memories before you sleep in the middle of the night. And you cant sleep because its hard to brush it off, hard to talk or to trust anybody without feeling a sense of guilt.

Hopefully people are more welcoming than to treat you like youre the reason for your own self pity.

I tried killing myself a couple weeks ago before my birthday so I wont live past 25. So I wont see anyone or have to deal with anything else anymore. I didnt want to make new memories or new friends because i didnt want rely on that for happiness.

I told myself i shouldnt worry, I’ll still be here- existing forever within the memories and experiences we once shared. As i stood on top of a parking deck wanting to jump. I would assume people would respect my decision as I begged almost everyday to be euthanized peacfully. Laughed at every suicide joke I can get because its not as serious to me.

Im grateful for everything

For everybody letting me be a part of their experience

But again i spend most of my days in the past laughing at every moment because it felt authentic.

I spend my days on auto pilot now.

Hoping it takes a lifetime to get out of it.

I found life in my dumbest moments sharing it with others . But in general i hated myself for this.

A constant reminder that I shouldn't exist if im only going to leech others to save me from myself.

But it’s becoming too much for me now.

I spend every night secretly crying to myself. And I wake up happy to repeat the process. Knowing full well that I cant wait to get home to my bed and close my eyes to start over and hope tomorrow is a better day. Its a sad lie that I give myself so i can keep living.

It sounds like I’m being ungrateful.

Just complaining about something so minute compared to all the other problems of the world.

I guess I am.

My sadness would never compare to the horrors of realilty of life in other places. People being slaughter, raped, diseases, famine. No place to live. No family to goto.

I have no right to complain.

I guess I’m just not as strong as you guys are.

I dont want keep jumping therapist to therapist to live. If I got to keep working til im 70 to find a therapist am i really living? Spending day to day searching for someone to hear me out and speak with me. I dont want chase after a dream that may or may not make happy or feel complete. Taking medication to regulate the feel good chemicals in my brain. And faking a lifestyle i think would make me happy.

I lost alot of friends. I hope they forgive me for being a burden to them. For running away from all the things I know i was wrong for.

I hope one day i can be enough

I hope one day i can stop waiting for things to fix itself

I hope one day I dont have to be a slave to myself

You can quit the alcohol

You can quit the drugs

You can quit the smoking

You can quit the all these unhealthy habits you developed growing up with trauma, bullying, lonliness, and self-hate.

But there some days where you can't quit depression

Start eating healthy

Start exercising and being active

Learning a new hobby or doing something exciting

Travel and see new places

Try all these crazy over the top methods to be at peace and happy with yourself

And whats that going to do? It distracts you from a coldness in your heart that slowly erases each emotion you felt in your life making you refuse to accept anything else if it is deem temporary.

Forcing you to believe the theory that life is a stimulation what you see and feel are things arent necessarily real. Because people, friends, family are all concepts with no core value only that you forge importance to them because thats what you are taught growing up and learn from your own social enviroment. Goals dream passion that are setup for you to live for and think that it suppose to be your calling or lifes work.

I know im sad. I know i make effort to change it.

But deep down i still feel empty. A grey area where after crying you just feel numb and continue your day out.

But is that really normal? Is that real living? to experience everything and have a balance of good and bad thing to search purpose within yourself. Constantly through trial and error to be where you want to be. Even if we dont make it does that mean everything was a wasted effort just to get to one spot in life?

But i guess you got keep trying and trying again til its worth while i suppose.