#i just know i have plenty of followers who love lapis and plenty who dont so

[cayennecrush]

hmm working through some stuff....

its like, where do you even begin with such a huge mess....

feelings under the cut bc theres a lot of them lol

i feel silly explaining my feelings about this, but the tags were getting Lengthy and i feel like maybe itd be helpful to have some insight since its pretty heavy hah, and like with all my lapis comics this just started off as some disjointed sketches and turned into something a WHOLE lot more complicated lol 

basically this is just me trying to figure out like.. what could possibly start to make the situation a little better. ive said it before and ill say it again, i relate very heavily to jasper because of my own past abuse experiences and, while of course lapis isnt nearly as terrible as my abuser was, it can be hard to separate those feelings when she does something thats so strikingly similar or a situation about her is handled by others in a similar way as my experiences were

so i was thinking like. what would i want to hear? what would start to make things not SO terrible?? i can never ever forgive the actions that were done, and idk if jasper could or even should either, but maybe the person involved could be more okay if there was a sincere apology and they were truly committed to changing and doing better.. and maybe forgiveness could even be something that happens gradually over time too after building trust and boundaries and understanding

honestly i just want jasper and lapis to be able to like exist in the same room and have it be OK, but also know to respect each others spaces? like theyd be on opposite sides of the room but they could comment on what each other is saying or crack a joke or do stupid finger guns at each other or something u know, but not like be CLOSE close out of mutual respect and understanding

so i guess this would just be like my ideal lapis apology to jasper? i dont think shes anywhere close to this in canon and she really struggles with empathy and getting out of control when shes in a position of power, but like if she fully recognized that and decided to reach out for help and to really try to be better like who knows u know?? id love that. 

and lapis is such a tricky character for me because on the one hand, i feel like she has so much potential and i really really want her to be better and actually be a fun snarky part of the group, but i also feel like shes been given so many chances and has thrown them all away every time, with a casual shrug from those around her who have been deeply impacted by her actions. ive got a lot of conflicting feelings that are hard to figure out, and angry stans coming for me and saying profoundly horrible and gross things about jasper to me doesnt help LOL. lapis i just want you to WANT to be better!!! 

also for any lapis fans reading this, pleeeeeease, please do not request more lapis. im so happy you love her and have fun with her, truly! but me drawing lapis on my own doesnt mean i want to draw more of her all the time. this comic was very emotionally difficult for me to get through which is why its taken so long for me to finish, but it feels really cathartic having done it. that doesnt mean its any easier though, if that makes sense. 

ANYWAY WOW i just have a lot of feelings lmao im. gonna stop now haha i hope this can maybe resonate with some people and help them find comfort in a hurtful situation, maybe idk hah, ANYWAY thanks for coming to my ted talk lol ♥

[mahouxshoujoxme]

all of them

Tsubaki lore, ya say?

(also I’m using you as her eternal bondmate, even though you aren’t back in the game yet )

Putting it under a read more bc its SO MUCH

abalone: what kind of situations compromise my muse emotionallyTsubaki is generally a bit of a bubbly, optimistic airhead, so not much will dramatically effect her emotionally unless it involves her friends or loved ones being hurt or put in danger.

aegerine: my muse’s opinion of the supernaturalShe pretends to be too “logical” to believe in spirits to cover the fact that she is 100% scared of ghosts

agate: how my muse calms downSince it takes so much to upset her, she rarely needs an outside distraction to calm herself down, but when she needs an escape from the world she will lose herself in her studies, or endlessly pester her bondmate for cuddles~

blue lace agate: my muse’s favorite form of communication (verbal, letters, texting, etc.)Tsubaki always prefers face to face communication above all else, but loves the romance and personality in hand written letters.

fire agate: if my muse is brave or cowardly I certainly wouldn’t call her a coward, but some of her “bravery” could at times be better described as naive optimism.

moss agate: if my muse has a high or low opinion of themselfTsubaki is certainly not one to brag of her own talents, but she knows she is a woman with high worth

amazonite: what kind of situations call for my muse to be dishonestShe would never lie, no matter the circumstance

amethyst: what my muse would most like to be able to shape-shift intosomething small and elegant, like a butterfly

ammolite: how lucky or unlucky my muse isShe’s annoyingly lucky

angel aura quartz: my muse’s opinion of LGBT+ issuesShe just thinks everyone deserves to live happy lives, however they wish to live them.

apache tears: a sadness headcanonNot much makes her terribly sad, but Tsubaki is a big crybaby. Both happy and sad crying happen frequently.

apatite: a headcanon about my muse’s intuitionBecause of her personality, many people assume Tsubaki is not the brightest upon first meeting her. But being a scholar and talented craftswoman, she has wonderful intuition. Whether she tends to follow that intuition, or ignore it for something more exciting is another story entirely, however.

aquamarine: where my muse feels most calm/relaxedin either her study or her workshop, surrounded by books and gadgets

biotite: the biggest problems my muse is currently dealing withWell her comrades being incapacitated and this strange voice are certainly not things she enjoys.

bloodstone: how my muse sees themself as part of the world at largeEveryone has a place, no matter how large or small. And Tsubaki is happy to have her place as a craftswoman helping her fellow adventurers on their quests.

calcite: my muse’s social tendencies (introverted vs extroverted, parties vs one-on-one conversations, etc.)Tsubaki is very outgoing and tends to try to spark conversation with everyone she meets. She wants to hear every tale every adventurer has to tell, and is always eager to swap tips and techniques with fellow craftsmen. However she tends to get a bit over excited and can be a bit much for the average stranger on the street.

carnelian: an art-related headcanonAs a practiced and proud craftswoman, Tsubaki can create masterpieces of jewelry, weaponry, armor, along with many types of decorative trinkets and statues. She can cook you any meal you could dream of, and leave your mouth watering for more, as well as brew you the purest, strongest potions an adventurer could need.

As far as the realm of visual arts such as painting and drawing, you would think she had never picked up a pencil in her life. That, however, does not stop her from trying.

celestite: how my muse deals with anxietyBy losing herself in her studies or her craft

chalcopyrite: how my muse deals with ending relationshipsHaving mostly dedicated herself to her studies and her work, Tsubaki had never taken the time to form deep romantic bonds with others, and therefore does not have much experience with ending a deeper relationship. She had plenty of friends and acquaintances from her travels, but had not developed an emotional bond of the sort until she met one certain unseasoned miqo'te gladiator, whom she bonded with through her mentor-ship and their journey together.

charoite: who my muse looks up toshe looks up to everyone, she’s pretty short (ba dum tss)

chrysocolla: a money-making headcanonBeing a master of her crafts, Tsubaki could easily bring in as much gil as she could need. She would rather, however, spend her time creating tools and gear to help out her fellow adventurers and will accept no coin for most of her work.

copper: how I think my muse will end up when they’re olderAs a scholar who wishes to learn all of the secrets of her great world, Tsubaki does not see herself ending her life as an adventurer any time in the near future. Traveling together with her love until the end is the only life she can see for herself.

coral: how my muse views the natural worldTsubaki loves the natural world, and is very thankful for all the materials and tools Eorzea can naturally provide for her. She is always very respectful of the enviornment around her, and only takes exactly what is necessary for her work.

diamond: a sex headcanonTsubaki views physical intimacy as a deep bond, only to be shared with the one most important to her. She prefers long, slow love making to quicker, rougher experiences.

dolomite: a sleep headcanonThough her bondmate could curl up on the bed asleep all day, Tsubaki would refuse sleep entirely if she could. Araragi often has to carry a sleeping Tsubaki to bed from her study deep into the night.

emerald: how my muse tells someone they love them without wordsTsubaki tends to show her love through her craft, leaving small treats and trinkets about for her love to find and take with him on his journeys.

fluorite: what my muse’s room looks likeHer room is full, every surface buried under piles of books and research materials or crafting tools. Though the room is crowded, everything seems to have its own place, and moving anything will earn you a stern talking to about her “system” and how you can’t throw her area out of balance.

fossil: what my muse’s dream job isTraveling all through Eorzea to learn all the world has to offer, doing odd jobs and creating tools and goods for those she meets to pay her way.

galena: what it’s like to be in a relationship with my museTsubaki loves deeply and intensely, taking every chance she can to dote upon her beloved. She isn’t shy to show off her relationship in public and showers her love in special, one of a kind, hand-made items to help him on his quests.

garnet: what my muse’s perfect partner would beAs it would take time away from her studies, Tsubaki was never much interested in romantic relationships, until she met certain miqo'te gladiator. Goofy and a bit unseasoned of an adventurer, she took it upon herself to mentor him through his journey. Along the way she found herself falling deeply in love with him, his happy demeanor a perfect match with hers.

gold: my muse’s financial situationNever wanting for anything because of the value of her craft, she never saw a point to accruing finances in the form of excess coin.

hematite: how squeamish my muse isGenerally her want to learn and her curiosity overtake any squeamish tendencies

iddenite: how much of an “inner child” my muse hasbasically, she baby

iolite: my muse’s drinking habitsTsubaki does not prefer alcohol, but would not necessarily turn a drink down. She is, however, a major lightweight.

jade: if my muse would ever cheat on a partnerabsolutely not.

jasper: what my muse would be like as a parentAs she wants to spend her life traveling, Tsubaki never had a want for Children. If she were to ever have them though, she would love them just as deeply and intensely as she does her bondmate, making sure they were always cared for and never wanting for anything.

kyanite: an anger headcanonNothing can make Tsubaki truly mad beyond her loved ones being hurt. However if you are the one to cause her loved ones pain, you will face her endless rage.

lapis lazuli: where ‘home’ is to my museAs a traveling adventurer, she does not have a true place to call home. She does, however always make it a point to return to the restaurant and guild hall her free company calls their headquarters.

lodestone: what kind of people gravitate towards my museBecause of her outspoken and bubbly demeanor, Tsubaki tends to draw people in of all types.

malachite: what my muse as a child thought they would be when they grew upGrowing up on the Steppe, Tsubaki always dreamed of leaving to see what the would outside had to offer.

mica: what my muse views as their worst personality traitTsubaki is always worried she is not strong enough to protect the ones she loves, always studying as hard as she can to further strengthen her healing magics

moonstone: my muse’s opinions on outer spaceIf she can study something about it, she is interested in it

mother of pearl: if my muse tends to lift people up or bring them downAlways an optimist, trying to bring the best of those around her, she will always try to lift up those around her

nebula stone: how good my muse’s memory isTsubaki has a near photographic memory, which helps in her studies greatly.

obsidian: which of the seven deadly sins my muse would behonestly my bab is so pure i dont have an answer to this

opal: how creative my muse isTsubaki is overflowing with creative energy, spending every free moment not devoted to her studies tinkering with some new creation.

pearl: a mental health headcanonTsubaki knows that keeping good mental health is essential to maintaining her studies, and thus makes sure to take plenty of time to ensure she is always treats her mental health well.

petalite: what my muse would do if they found a wallet on the streetTsubaki would absolutely search endlessly until she found the owner.

pyrite: a physical health headcanonIn order to continue her travels, Tsubaki keeps herself in top shape.

quartz: how my muse thinks other people see themTsubaki never much cared what others think of her, but she thinks in general people view her in a positive light.

rhodonite: if my muse prefers elegance or convenienceKnowing that long travels sometimes require more convenience than elegance, but also being a craftswoman who has an appreciative eye for elegance, Tsubaki tries to use her own skills and knowledge to create new gear that combine the two as best as possible.

rubellite: if my muse has any 'triggers’ that inspire painful memoriesNot really, Tsubaki is probably the only character I’ve ever written that doesn’t have a tragic uwu backstory

ruby: a happiness headcanonHappiness for Tsubaki lies in being surrounded by those she loves, and being free to roam and journey as she pleases

sapphire: if everyone my muse knew was hanging off a cliff and they could only choose three to save, the rest certainly dying, who they would chooseShe would absolutely never chose anyone’s life over another’s. Tsubaki would fight endlessly to find a way to save everyone, even if she would lose her own life in the process

serpentine: how my muse would seduce anotherTsubaki has never been one for romance or physical relationships, she she is very inexperienced. Intimate encounters with her bondmate tend to be very clumsy and innocent.

silver: if my muse prefers masculinity or femininityTsubaki is extremely feminine.

tsavorite: if my muse believes in destiny or fateTsubaki believes that everyone has the power to create their own future. Giving in to ideas like being stuck to one future or destiny is just someone giving up or not having the strength to fight for what they truly want, and she will do everything in her power to empower those around her to chase the futures they each truly want.

ulexite: how empathetic/sympathetic/compassionate my muse isENTIRELY. If anyone around Tsubaki is hurting or having troubles, she will absolutely take that pain onto herself and do anything in her power, endlessly to help them. Oftentimes to her own disadvantage.

unakite: what my muse’s ideal pet would beanything fluffy that will let her snuggle it and would have no problems being on the road for long periods of time.

verdite: my muse’s ethnicity/family historyTsubaki is a Raen Au Ra, though she could never stand for the secluded life of those she descended from

zebra stone: what gets my muse excitedliterally everything

zoisite: does my muse believe everything’s going to work out for them in the end or not?As long as she draws breath, she has an opportunity so solve any problem she faces.