#i just want it to be overwith i hate being in pain

[enbyworth]

God I just want this fucking ear infection to be gone already I hate it so much

[msawesomeworld]

Royalty not loyalty Chapter 11

A/N: Look at me go. I felt inspired so now here we are another day with a new chapter. I am full of surprises. Enjoy <3

Read the previous chapters here.

“She just smiled, you know that smile that says: You don’t know me at all, you never will.”  - Anthea Stonem

I ran inside the house upset. I had the need to feel numb again. Why would he play with me like that? Kiss me like he wanted me. He did not want me, he could not want me. I was too perfect and too fucked up for that kind of thing. I had had boyfriends in highschool but this was different, I liked him and I would have to work with him for two more years. I could not treat him like shit, it was not tactical to do so.

I was still relaxed from the spliff I just smoked. When I got inside I gripped the first bottle of champagne I could find. If I was gonna get fucked up I was gonna do it in style.

I sat myself down on the couch and started drinking from the bottle. Victoria sat down beside me and looked at me concerned. I rolled my eyes at her and took a swing from the bottle.

“You okay? Did Lou do something?” She asked I hated having her look at me so patronizing.

I did not need people. People should not care, not in this world. My feelings had been long forgotten a long time ago. You cannot be perfect if you are emotional. So I shut them off in order to be perfect.

“What makes you think he could hurt me?” I said after a moment alone with my thoughts. She still looked at me concerned.

“You can tell me Ella. We are all fucked up in this world, but we need to stick together.” She said putting her hand on my shoulder. I smirked a little looking over at her.

“It is really nice of you. But I am alright, I was just reminded of something sad that is all. I am all better now.” I turned my smirk into a smile trying to look genuine. I had perfected that smile a lot, faking being okay was actually a specialty of mine.

She still looked at me concerned, I rolled my eyes took a large sip from the bottle. I then put it down on the table in front of me and took her hand. I pulled her after me and onto the floor where I started dancing to the music. We fooled around and danced, she stopped looking at me concerned after seeing me happy on the dancefloor. I was a little happy. I was also very high which made everything much much easier.

I saw Louis come in to the livingroom and stand beside Robert. He looked at me concerned and like he wanted to go to me. I just shook my head and turned away from him. Hoping that he got the message. Skylar had disappeared for a while but came back looking a bit flustered. She smirked and walked over to us.

“Where have you been hiding Rian all of this time El? He is great in bed.” She said and I just laughed and shrugged. I kept swaying to the music enjoying myself.

“Still saying yes Stella?” She asked smirking and I rolled my eyes.

“No.” I said and she shook her head with a menacing grin. 
“Hey boys, lets play truth or dare.” She yelled getting the three boys attention.

I glared at her and she just smirked and shrugged. I hated her for being able to be this carefree. Had I not known how much she hated her dad for remarrying all of the time I would have hated her.  She was the perfect it girl, wild and free. I knew it was in part because of the skeletons in her closet. Victoria shared my annoyance towards the game and glared at her too.

“Truth or dare? What are we 12?” She asked, Skylar just chuckled and pulled us towards the boys.

They were up for it apparently. We sat down in a circle bottles around us. It was actually nice this place. Too bad we were going home soon. Then we would only meet once a month and on holidays. It would not be this fun since that would be purely business.

“El truth or dare.” Skylar started by saying smirking at me.

“I know you have a wicked plan no matter what I chose so might just get it overwith.” I said taking a swing from the bottle standing beside me.

“I take that as a dare.” She said smirking widely at me, I sighed and licked her lips. I hated this game and she was probably gonna make me do something annoying.

“I dare you, to kiss the person in the room you think is the hottest.” She said smirking. I almost scoffed at how easy that one was. I smirked and shrugged.

“Fine.” I said.

I crawled across the floor to Louis and he smiled widely. I leaned in to him. I could feel his hot breath on me which actually made it hard for me to control myself. I leaned in painfully slow and just before our lips touched. I used all of my strength to pull away turn my head and kiss Victoria. She had not seen it coming but actually returned my kiss. I pulled away and smirked. Louis was pouting which made me laugh out loud. They all looked at me strangely but I did not care.

Once I had stopped laughing I took a swing from a bottle. I looked around the circle for my target.

“Rob, truth or dare.” I said smirking and he returned it telling me to give him a dare as well.

I was pretty nice to him considering who he is. He is the only person in this circle who might actually be as fucked up as I am. I liked him for that.

We kept going around doing all sorts of weird shit. I could feel Louis looking at me throughout the game. We eventually decided to go to bed. I got up and brought a bottle with me. I walked poorly through the house drinking from the bottle. While I was already pretty drunk I felt like being completely numb before I could pass out.

I was in the hallway of my room and I paused to take a break. Also to put the empty bottle on the floor. I heard footsteps behind me. I sighed too into my own self pity to deal with this right now.

“Go away Louis.” I said without even turning around to look at him.

I expected it to be him, who else would try and use me like that?

I started walking again in a slow pace, mostly because my balance was pretty bad at the moment. He caught up to me and grabbed my wrist. I pulled it away from him. Having to turn around to do so. I did not like looking at him, he looked so hurt. He deserved it a little after playing with me like that. I was in too much pain myself tonight to deal with his. I wanted to turn around so badly but just stared at him a little.

“Would you talk to me please?” He asked sounding desperate.

He was really good at acting, someone should give him an academy award for acting like he cared.  I sighed and shook my head.

“I have nothing to say to you.” I said I glared at him.

“Why not? Why cant you just trust me. I am not trying to fucking play you. Not everything is a game.” He said and I scoffed in my drunken state.

“That was real believable Louis. You really are a tremendous actor.” I said and he got visibly angry. He was really good a faking emotions I must say. I wanted him to go away, I did not feel like dealing with him now.

“Seriously? I am not playing you. Why cant you trust me when I say that? What are you so afraid of? That someone actually cares about you? That I will break your heart?” He said frustrated. He looked desperate, almost like he needed me to trust him. I felt too drunk to keep completely up with him.

“Nobody breaks my heart.” I said coldly.

His face feel from frustrated to a sadder expression. I turned around and started to walk away from him.

I got into my bedroom and passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

[boopboopbichie]

All of the stars // A Reddie fic

Part 3/?

Part 1 here Part 2 here Warnings: Mentions of suicide and selfharm, swearing, vomit(??)

When Eddie woke up on the 4th of august everything felt wrong. Despite the amazing night he��d had the night before everything just felt sinister. The sun seemed to not shine as much, the colors seemed to have faded and everything just felt out of place. Eddie shook off the feeling as he got ready for work thinking about his date with Richie. He was so happy. Ignoring the nagging voice in the back of his head telling him that something terrible had happened, he smiled as he made his way down to the kitchen humming lightly to himself. He stopped dead in his tracks though as he saw his mother with an unreadable expression on her face, talking to a police officer in the kitchen. In the officer’s hands was a box. They hadn’t seen him so he coughed lightly notifying his presence. They both looked at him and his mother’s expression changed to a sad one and suddenly Eddie felt like puking.  “Hey... What’s going on?”, he asked, voice low and vulnerable. The officer smiled at him, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.  “Hi Eddie. I’m officer Thomas. Could you come sit down for a moment?”. The officer’s voice made all alarm bells in Eddie’s body go off. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong and he shook lightly as he made his way over to the bar chair and sat down. He got a glimpse of the box and saw his name written on it.  “What’s this about officer?”, he almost whispered and he saw something flash in the officer’s eyes that he couldn’t quite explain. It made his stomach hurt though.  “It’s about Richie Tozier”. As soon as he heard the name Eddie froze. Everything in his body ached and his eyes went wide. He wanted to disapear. Something had happened to Richie? “He um.. He was found dead in his room by his mother this morning. He apparently commited suicide last night”, the officer explained, sad eyes and Eddie felt his world crumble. His mind kept repeating what he’d heard and every time it got harder for Eddie to breathe.  Richie Tozier.  Dead. Suicide.  He shook his head and stood up tears slowly making their way down his cheeks.  Richie Tozier. Dead.  Suicide.  “No”, he said still shaking his head. “No!”, this time he screamed the word at the officer, shaking his mother’s hands off of his shoulder.  Dead.  He wiped the tears from his cheeks aggressively and took a step back.  Suicide.  “Richie was with me last night. He was happy. Everything was fine. This must be a mistake”, he cried desperately, but he knew it wasn’t a mistake. Every part of his body told him that this was real life. The officer shook his head softly and Eddie once again felt his mother’s hands on his shoulders. This time he didn’t shake them off. He broke down. Loud sobs escaped his lips and he struggled to catch his breath as he turned around and let his mother embrace him, crying into her shoulder, his whole body shaking.  Richie Tozier.  Dead.  His whole world seemed to fall apart as the small boy stood there in the kitchen, feeling himself crumble, feeling himself fall apart.  Suicide.  Suddenly he felt sick and he freed himself from his mother’s arms and ran to the bathroom and fell to his knees. The hot tears dripping from his chin as he emptied his stomach into the toilet. The last time Eddie threw up, Richie had been behind him, hand on his back as he calmed him down. They’d been at a party and Eddie had drank too much. He remembered feeling so embarrased because Richie was there witnessing it all. But Richie had been so sweet about it, getting him water, getting him clean clothes. Richie wasn’t there now. Richie was never going to help Eddie ever again. The thought made Eddie cry harder and he felt like he was choking.  When there was nothing left to throw up Eddie fell back against the wall and sobbed into his hands. His mother and the officer waited patiently for him in the kitchen. Sonia had already told the officer that Eddie’s reaction would be heartbreaking. Despite the fact that she didn’t like Richie that much, she knew how much he meant to Eddie and she also felt her heart ache as she thought about the lanky boy with the huge glasses who was always cracking jokes. It felt wrong that he, out of all people would hang himself. 

Eddie finally pulled himself together and went back out into the kitchen. He wiped his cheek and straightened his back, trying to look braver. And maybe also to feel braver. He didn’t feel braver though. He felt like a child. He felt s vulnerable and broken. The officer tried smiling at him as he sat the box on the table in front of Eddie.  “This box was in his room. We suppose it’s for you”. Eddie looked at the box and he felt sick again. That box would do nothing but remind him of the fact that Richie was dead and he wanted it gone. But he was also curious. He reached out and ran his fingers across his name, goosebumps covering his body. He then looked up at the police officer, trying to focus on his face. Everything was one big blur due to the tears filling Eddie’s eyes.  “Does...”. His voice broke and he took a deep breath before trying again.  “Does the other losers know? H-his other friends?”, he managed to ask and the officer nodded his head.  “There are officers at their houses as well”. Eddie nodded a bit and then grabbed the box.  “How’d he do it?”. The officer looked startled for a second and then his face softened even more if possible.  “You sure you wanna know son?”.  “Yes”. His voice was stern, but truth was. He wasn’t sure. Knowing the method would make it even more real. But something inside of him needed to know.  “He hung himself”. A sob escaped Eddie’s lips and his hand found his mouth.  “Oh god...”, he whispered as he shut his eyes closed. He wanted to disapear. He wanted for something to swallow him whole. He had never felt such hurt before, ever. His whole body ached and he felt like someone had stabbed him in the stomach and left him on the side of the road to bleed out. He opened his eyes again and held the box closely to his body.  “Can I go upstairs now? I have to call my boss?”. He looked at his mother and she ran a hand through his hair softly.  “I already called him. He said it’s fine. You can go upstairs if you’d like”, she says and he nods before glancing at the officer shortly. He then almost runs ustairs and locks his door, once again breaking down. He wants to talk to the other losers but he also wants to be alone and never come out of his room ever again. He sits down on the floor and looks at the box in his lap. He should open it, but he’s scared about what’s in there. There’s probably a suicide note. Eddie doesn’t know if he can handle knowing why Richie did it. But he knows he can’t handle not knowing. So he slowly and carefully opens the box, tears still streaming down his cheeks. In the box was a bunch of Richie’s things. Polaroids, mixtapes, a journal and on top of it all was a letter.  For Eddie Kaspbrak. The love of my life.  Eddie bit his lip as he took the letter carefully. He then opened it and took out the letter, scared he’d rip it. He repositioned himself and then started reading. 

Hi Eds. “I hate it when you call me that Rich”, you’re probably thinking but I know you don’t because you told me once when you were drunk and we were cuddling.  I’m terribly sorry that you’re reading this letter right now. I never wanted it to come to this, but I’m afraid it was the only way.  I’m sure you know what happened, so I’m not going to talk about it. Instead I’m going to try and explain.  You probably hate me at the moment Eds. And you’re probably thinking that there’s no way I can explain in a way that would justify what I did. But I’m going to try. And I just pray you’ll hate me a little less. And if not that’s ok too. I understand.  I’m going to tell you some things and I know it’ll make you sad. So I’m sorry about that, but I might as well be one hundered percent honest if I’m going to do this. I promise I’ll try to get it overwith because I don’t want to make you sad. Just please read through it all.  You see Eds. The first time my dad hit me for real, I was ten. Back then it didn’t mean much. Of course it hurt but I already knew he hated me. Because he told me all the time. My mom, as you know, were never really there mentally, being drunk out of her mind all the time. My dad blamed me. Blamed me for my mother’s alcohol abuse. He never got physical though. Until I was ten and came home with an F. My first and last F ever. When my dad asked me why I’d gotten an F I told him the truth. That I was worried about mom and that’s why I couldn’t concentrate. That’s when he slapped me, telling me how it was my own fault and that they should’ve never kept me.  I don’t want to go into too much detail, because it doesn’t matter. The point is that it got worse. You know how I often used to come to your house at night, telling you it was because I couldn’t stay away from you. I wasn’t lying Eddie, but I wasn’t telling the truth either. Some days it would get really bad with my dad and I’d have to escape to not get beaten to death.  That leads me to the bruises I always seemed to have. As you’ve figured it was never just Bowers or some random drunk I pissed off. My dad left most of those bruises. Thinking back I know that’s the reason for everything that was to come. But when I was living it I managed to get through it one day at a time. And I had all of you guys. The losers club. You guys saved me so many times Eddie, fuck. I can never begin to explain how much you helped me. And it was enough. Until the voices started. My dad stopped beating me when I turned fifteen and he realized I could defend myself. The verbal abuse never stopped though.  It was like my mind told me that if he weren’t hurting me I needed to hurt myself. I was so used to the pain and the verbal abuse hurt me so much more than the beatings ever did. And I found that hurting myself took away some of the hurt from my dad’s words. I wasn’t cutting myself. You would’ve seen that. I used to burn myself with my cigarettes in my inner thighs. Again I’m sorry for telling you this, but I have to.

Eddie wanted to stop reading. This was way too painful. But he couldn’t. So he kept reading, small sobs escaping his lips every now and then. 

The voices got worse and I found that drawing and writing helped me a lot. I put my journal in the box, you can take a look if you’d like.  So I got by, drawing, writing, burning myself with cigarettes. But then on february 13th a year ago I got myself into a fight. A pretty serious one. You helped stitch me up and then you kissed me. We were sixteen. That was the first time in almost two years I didn’t feel like hurting myself. The rest of our story is history. We started dating and you were the best thing that had ever happened to me Eddie. When I was with you I felt like everything would be alright. I didn’t hurt myself for the first two months of our relationship.  But then they started getting worse again. Telling me how you’d get tired of me. See what a useless idiot I was. My dad’s abuse skyrocked when he found out about me kissing on the Kaspbrak boy. Now I was even more of an dissapointment because I was a faggot. You know, I never saw it like that. I never even considered the fact that I was in a relationship with a boy. In my mind I was just in a relationship with Eddie Kaspbrak, the person who made me happy. But as I said, the voices got worse, my dad got worse. I got worse. I’m sure you noticed it. You must have. I tried to hide it though. I never wanted you to think I was anything but ok. You were still my rock. But two months ago I almost swallowed a glass of my dad’s sleeping meds and that’s when I realized. I wasn’t pulling through anymore. I wasn’t managing. I tried to hard Eddie I really did. I tried to hard to get better but it only got worse.  I thought about telling you but figured it was a bad idea. I might’ve been wrong. But I never wanted to see the look on your face as I told you what’ve been going on. I wanted to die. And here we are. 

Eddie I love you more than anything. Nobody have ever loved another person as much as I love you, I refuse to believe that. I knew it from the moment I saw you wearing that stupid fannypack, sucking on that stupid inhaler. I knew it when Henry broke your arm and I wanted to kill him with every fiber in my body, because he’d made you cry. I knew it when you had that girlfriend when we were thirteen and I wanted to cry everytime I looked at you. I knew it when you kissed me. I’ve always known. And this doesn’t change that fact. I didn’t do this because I don’t love you anymore. I simply just couldn’t stay alive. The hurt I felt overshadowed the pain from knowing I’d leave you behind. It all got too much.  But I still love you Eddie and I’ll always be watching over you. I’ll be the shiniest fucking star you’ve ever seen.  I want you to move on Eds. I don’t want you to keep being sad about this. I want you to move on and think back on me with a smile. I want the memory of me to be happy, which is why I said goodbye the way I did. I want you to get happy when you think of me.  I want you to find someone.  You’re gonna go to prom, hopefully with a nice guy who treats you like the damn treasure you are. You’re gonna get married to a lovely man and you’re gonna move on. And I want that for you. I’ll still be shining down on you, protecting you.  I love you so much Eddie Kaspbrak. I always have and I always will. 

Yours Richie motherfucking Tozier. 

Ps. kiss your mother from me eddie spaghetti. 

He couldn’t help but chuckle at the last part but then his smile turned into a frown. Eddie put the papers down, hands shaking violently. They were tearstained and Eddie knew it was from Richie crying when he wrote it. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. He wanted to puke again, but his stomach was empty. He wanted to scream. He wanted to hurt somebody.  Richie was gone and he was never coming back. Eddie sniffled and opened his eyes again. He started looking through the box a sad smile on his lips. There were so many pictures. Some of them was of Richie and one of the other losers and Eddie knew he had to give Mike the picture of him and Richie sitting on a haystack. He knew he had to give Bev the picture of her braiding Richie’s hair. He knew he had to give Bill the picture of him driving Silver with Richie sitting behind him. He knew he had to give Stan the picture of him and Richie at Stan’s bar mitzvah. He knew he had to give Ben the picture of him and Richie holding a bottle of Jack each, drunken smiles on their lips. He knew he had to. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to keep every picture of Richie to ever exist. But he couldn’t. He’d have to give them away. But until then he’d look at them with a small smile on his face, listening to the mixtape Richie and Eddie once made. He’d look through Richie’s journal, surprise washing through him as he’d see that Richie was a talented artist. 

Richie was gone. But Eddie would hold on to him with the help of this box that contained so much of Richie. It made Eddie dizzy and his head was throbbing.  Richie was gone. Gone for good. And Eddie hated him.

Hi. Sooo this is chapter three heh. Hope you like it yay.  Also. Should I link the playlist I listen to when I write this fic? Idk if anyone would be interested in that but if you are I’d be happy to link it. 

Taglist:  @musicalfangirla113 @delirious-trash @sadlileggboy @richies-glasses @emptygreyspaces