#i keep having this argument w myself bc i wanna do it today but i already made rice for lunch and stuff

[foxcassius]

man guys should i call out to go to immigration today or tomorrow

[collecting-stories]

Versus - pt. 1

Request: hi! could you do 87 and 93 with john b please. your writing is literally amazing💛

Request: hey i love your writing! could you do one from either jj or john b’s pov where they are in love w the reader but the reader is dating the other one (jj or john) so they don’t say anything bc they don’t wanna hurt their best friend and just a lot of angst pls. (if not that’s totally fine)

A/N: Consider this an interactive fic...once you read it vote on the ending.

Versus Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist

///

“Just find a seat guys!” Kiara called over the lull of conversation from the crowded restaurant, breaking up an argument between Pope and JJ about where they were going to sit. Booth or table.  

“Table! Right there!” Pope pointed to the table and four chairs in the back corner of The Wreck. The four of you made a dash for the empty spot, weaving passed other tables. Memorial Day weekend always brought in the crowds and The Wreck was especially packed today. Kiara was still behind the counter, finishing her shift, as the four of you made it to the table.  

You took the seat against the open floor to ceiling window, not wanting to sit with your back toward the restaurant. Without warning John B took a seat on your lap, juxtaposed so that he could face the table.  

“What are you doing?” You asked, face to shoulder blades with him. You had to lean around his body to even see JJ sitting across from you.  

“There’s only four seats.” He replied, matter of fact, as if it was obvious why he had decided your lap was an acceptable chair.  

“So, sit in one.”  

“What about Kie? You’ll deprive her of a chair?”  

“She works here, I’m sure she can find a chair somewhere.” You pointed out.  

He leaned back against you, grabbing your arms and wrapping them around his waist before tilting his head back so he could look at you, smile in place. “I’m not moving. Your lap is comfortable.”

“Well don’t say it like you’re surprised.” You remarked, not sure how that annoyed you more than him sitting there in the first place.  

John B turned back to the table, grabbing a menu from the middle and joining in the discussion Pope and JJ were having. You sat back in your seat, giving yourself a little distance from John B but keeping your arms around him. One thing that was so great about the pogues was how close you all were to each other. But sometimes that blessing was also a curse. All your friends seemed to exist on the spectrum of too affectionate and that was okay except when you had a crush and signs were so mixed up that you couldn’t really tell if it was reciprocated or if they were just being friendly. Did John B like you too? Or was this just how he was with everyone?  

And lately you’d noticed JJ paying a little more attention than he used to. You’d always assumed that he either had a thing for Kiara or didn’t want to chance ruining a friendship for something more but recently he’d been showing up more, hanging out one on one, doing things for you that were a little more considerate than he typically was. You knew this was just them though. John B and JJ were both affectionate, and you’d definitely toed the line with both of them. It was easy to do in such a small knit group. And you were all close, they were your best friends. Hugs, holding hands, small touches, kisses on cheeks, it all passed between you as nothing, as a sign of friendship.  

Still you found yourself confused about both of them. Did John B like you? Did JJ like you? Did you like either of them? That was a given, they were incredibly different but both attractive, sweet, funny, not always boyfriend material maybe but you shouldn’t be rushing into things anyway.  

Kiara joined the small party shortly after you were all seated, offering to grab John B a chair from the back so he didn’t crush your legs.  

“She’s fine, you’re fine?” He asked looking back at you.  

“I’m fine.” You promised. It didn’t bother you that he was sitting on your lap. It bothered you that you weren’t sure what him sitting on your lap meant.  

Kiara raised an eyebrow at you in question but you just smiled, “thumbs up friend,” you joked, offering her double thumbs up as reassurance that it was fine.  

John B was already immersed in ordering, his somewhat long hair moving with him as he turned his head back and forth, menu then waitress then menu then waitress as if he couldn’t remember the name of the order he always got. JJ and Pope went next and then Kiara and finally it wound back around to you and John B passed the menu back.  

“I know what’s on the menu.” You replied, pushing it back toward him.  

With all the orders in you were left alone at the table with your friends again, eye focused on the back of John B’s head as he talked. His hair was getting long. You weren’t sure if it was a direct result of not having Big John around or if he was just too broke to bother with a haircut, either way it had gotten significantly longer in the last few months and you were surprisingly partial to it. While he sat there on your lap you moved your arms from around his waist so that you could begin separating strands of hair on his head.  

John B leaned his head back slightly at the feeling of your hands in his hair, “what are you doing?”

“If you’re gonna sit on my lap, I’m gonna braid your hair.”  

“Okay.” He nodded without hesitation.  

“I’m surprised, your hair is so soft, I thought it’d be greasy.” You commented, weaving tiny plaits into his hair.  

“Of course it’s soft,” he jerked away for a second to shake his hair out and brush a hand through it like he was in some Pantene commercial, “Why do you think I always go to yours after surfing? So I can use your shampoo.”  

“John B!” You smacked his arm, braids forgotten, “that stuff is expensive!”  

“She’ll kill you now,” JJ laughed, “that’s her kook shit.”  

“Shut up JJ, I know you’ve used it to.”  

“I have not! That shit smells like fucking starburst.” He replied defensively.  

“And an entire bottle of it went missing from my house the day after you slept over?” You questioned.  

“When did JJ sleep over your house?” John B asked, twisting on your lap to look at you.  

“I replaced it!” JJ argued.  

“Only because I dragged your ass all the way to Chapel Hill!” You replied, ignoring John B’s questioning look.  

He looked at Kiara who was trying not to laugh. She missed the concern on his face as he mouthed the words ‘when did this happen’ to her. She only shrugged.  

“I got you that fancy face shit too!” JJ pointed out.  

“I thought you bought that yourself?” Pope asked, cutting into the conversation.  

John B frowned, Pope knew about this trip to Chapel Hill you and JJ supposedly took together.  

“I did buy it myself. I bought the shampoo too because ‘someone’, JJ, conveniently forgot their wallet.”  

“Next time.” JJ promised.  

“Good I’m going tomorrow, you can come with me.” You replied.  

The conversation dissolved into something else but John B couldn’t concentrate. Suddenly he felt hyper aware of you and JJ. Had Pope and Kiara not noticed? Or did all of you know something he didn’t? How had he not noticed before? He couldn’t see you without twisting back in your lap but he could see JJ perfectly, sitting right across the table from you. Had he sat there on purpose?  

John B felt like he was spiraling, suddenly noticing the way JJ kept looking over at you and making faces or directing all his jokes your way. There were very few secrets amongst the pogues and John B had always been upfront with Pope and JJ about his feelings for you. So why was his best friend stepping on his turf behind his back? Not that you were some prize to claim but he had to know what he was doing?  

“Whose house?” Pope asked as everyone stood up to leave.  

“I can’t walk you guys, John B crushed my legs.” You said, leaning back against the chair and stretching your legs out.  

John B watched as JJ came around the table to where you were. He put his hands on the back of your chair and leaned over you. Did you always smile like that at people or was that new? Was that just for JJ?  

“Want a ride?” JJ offered.  

“Depends, where to?” You joked and he kissed the top of your head before coming around the chair so you could piggyback on him.  

John B was the last to follow you out of The Wreck, staring in confusion and something else, something close to envy, as JJ carried you out of the restaurant.  

-

taglist:  @maplelattes22 @poguesrforlife  @freckled-and-daydreaming  @chasefreakinstokes @millie-753 @fangirlwithme @alex12948 @howdyherron @katherine097 @tangledinsparkles @tragicmisfits @carbonated-beverage @mariofgreengables @damonsalvawhore27 @ssprayberrythings @dopedoodes @dolanfivsosxox @belledutchess @poguelifeeee @jjsthumbring @faded-blue @pogue-h @jolomez @timotaychalabae 

[cozycornerwritings]

hi!! for the match up thing i’m indian-american, 5’6”-5’8” naturally rapunzel-length, wavy hair (brownish), glasses, brown eyes, corner dimples, aquarius, i’m an ambivert, i love video games, editing, reading, writing, sleeping lol, and i’m not good at drawing but i like doodles and coloring. i love k-pop (casual listener) and some non-kpop songs & i love watching a lot of anime & reading BL 🕴🏻 & manga. i get closed off in groups because i get anxious and i get negative thoughts and how i’m probably not even wanted there bc of bad experiences. in public i can get suuuper anxious because i’m rlly sheltered bc of my parents and i get all shaky. same like in public w/o my parents like i get shaky and an anxiety / panic attack and want to cry. ive never experienced things bc of my family like ‘normal’ stuff like the beach, traveling, ice skating, movie theaters and stuff. i hate it and i dont have the best relationship with my family they can be really toxic sometimes and the whole anxiety thing and that makes me feel really depressive and su*cidal sometimes for a while. i love physical affection and being shown that or told words affirmation. but irl i get awkward and shy w physical affection bc ive never experienced it and idk how to do it. im good thru text, irl i can keep a convo going. thru calls i get shy and nervous, especially if it’s the opposite gender. my face gets red easily like i blush a lot and it’s not hard to make me flustered lol. when i get like that or don’t know how to respond i just giggle bc idk what to do or say. if im sad and going thru it i make jokes to cover it up and laugh it off, one time someone just asked ‘are you ok’ after i did and my voice cracked ‘no not really’ and i started crying 😃 i keep stuff to myself (unless i trust that person to tell them stuff nd open up to them) i do have trust issues and i’ve never rlly had friends irl my parents are strict and never let me go out. online i dont rly have much friends either. im rlly observant, and like descriptive / detailed as u can tell 😭 kinda sucks thoo because a lot of people don’t read what i say bc they said they cant b bothered n it’s too long but i just get rlly engrossed into things & dont half-ass stuff and just wanna explain everything properly 😭 i can be sassy and give attitude, and i can be mean. BUT i never do that to someone unless they did me dirty. i dont like arguing. that side of me can be shown thru arguments but only again like if the other person is doing the same and is being mean and disrespectful to me first. i do have a lot of patience and endure things until it’s become like a problem? i make sure to communicate. i never ignore people, i’m not petty unless i have a good reason if they did something to me. i’m really funny i swear 😭 and i can be emotional / sensitive depending on what it is but i know when someone is joking but i know when things are taken too far and i have boundaries. i take caution when meeting people bc trust issues so i’m not that clingy unless i 100% like can count on them and comfortable with them trust them etc. i like teasing friends but just for fun and won’t take it far and make them upset or anything. if i ever hurt someone which i make sure not to i feel super bad and apologize a lot and make sure to never do it again. i try to keep my cool to refrain keeping myself from getting mad but the times i have gotten mad are reasonable and it has to be something super upsetting for me, i dont get mad w/o reason though and i start to angry-cry and yell but i try not to say anything that ill regret and make sure to think of what im saying. i love memes, idk how to describe my humor tho 😭, i’m diligent and considerate! i try to show i care thru actions and words of affirmation and quality time etc. i make sure to remember important stuff someone tells me abt themselves. i have a really good memory i don’t forget things that easily. i care for others a lot and im trying to take care of myself more now too but it can be hard. i’m not a liar i can be really blunt and honest. SORRY ITS LONG 😭

I match you with..

Lemillion!

I’m a firm believer that understanding opposites can bring out the best in each other. Mirio helps you come out of your shell. He loves to stroke your hair, and sometimes playfully pulls it. He is your partner and your best friend, so doing thinks like Pictionary or playing games today are a common occurrence. Joking and cuddling turns into a must for the two of you and you discover how much you love your head pet. His dependable personality provides a safe place for you, and you get the chance to trust in someone fully.

He appreciates how you are careful to watch how you act when you are upset, but loves how full of emotion you are. Seeing you cry breaks him on the inside and he just wants to scoop you up into hugs. Knowing that you have that big goof there helps you with your social anxiety. If someone is talking too much to you and he sees you getting overwhelmed, he will skillfully direct conversation away from you. Mirio gets very protective of you around your family. He constantly holds your hand and you two have established a safe word in case you want to leave. Mirio is more than happy to scoop you into his arms and run away with you. He is so emotionally intelligent and sensitive with you that you feel so safe and secure. If you could use one word to describe him it would be ‘home’. For the first time in a long time you begin to realize what family is, it’s mirio.

Knowing that you haven’t tried many things, you two make an effort to try new experiences together. He often flirts with you, despite the fact you two are together. He brings out the more sexual side of you. You compliment him and flatter him. He loves how much you appreciate him. You two take care of each other and your time is full of laughs.

[yyxgin]

Hi, just letting you know that i'm steadily falling hard and fast for Bang Chan and i hate it. Why is he so cute, it should be illegal. But i cant really call myself a Stay just yet cuz i still dont know much about the other members and I dont wanna become a solo stan 😣. I will be one soon i promise 😤

Also, i want you to feel confident today sooo...

Tell me 10 things you like about yourself along with why 😘

Just remember that you are gorgeous. Period. No but's. And i'm sending you ghostie hugs with every asks, you cant feel it but it's there -twinkles

smdksksl it's okay i think like 90% of stans start paying attention to a group bc of a certain member at first sjsksk i literally fell for felix and then it went downhill with me and now i'm obsessed with all 8 of them. anyways you have two devoted stay friends so there's no way you're not becoming one over time as well 😎

and you are so sweet 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 just know its really hard for me to write 10 things so i dont know how that will go aaaah

i like how open-minded i am and how i tend to look at things from every perspective and try to understand everyone's point of view and their emotions in an argument

i like how reliable i am haha. you can always count on me to keep my promises, deadlines for things (i am even really early at times,,like these christmas events for example), whatever you ask from me you know you can always count on me haha. like the only thing this doesn't apply to is that i am late most of the times to meetings 🤠

i like that i am quite spontanious ?? idk i just don't like my life to be boring djdjsjks

i like that i am an artsy person. because i can really convey what i'm feeling and always get my hurt/pain out wheter it is in the form of a writing, drawing, painting... i even used to write songs on guitar when i was younger fjsksk

i like my hair 🙂 this is just a shameless plug of me dying my hair cherry like two days ago and i love it sjsjka also i went full on egril yesterday w my outfit are you proud of me ?? 🥺🥺

ummm what else this is really hard 😡😡 i guess i like the fact that i can be funny at times ?? umm i don't mean to sound egoistic lmao but people have told me before and just like seeing people laughing with me really makes me happy🥺 i still don't feel like a whole ass comedian but you know its nice to feel funny vskskks

i am getting really stuck rn you are making me self-reflect really hard🤠🤠 i guess i like the fact that i tend to get good grades for some reason. like grades don't mean shit. they don't prove anything. idk. i just like the feeling of satisfaction of getting an A after studying for several hours. i don't like to study tho. i am spiraling here. wtf moving on- but i like that i learn pretty quickly ?? unless it's german i've been studying german for 6 years and i know nothing so-

for the most time i just like what i have in my head. apart from the depressive thoughts and anxiety,,i like it there zjsjsk. like my mind ?? am i kind of stupid but also really smart at the same time ?? yeah !! i tend to daydream a lot and just like the fact that i have a fantasy that big that i can literally think of a whole ass alternative reality and escape there ?? that's great if you ask me 😼 i also like the way i think sometimes,,i wouldn't say it's out of the box but i also can't really explain it in any other way so yeah

i like that i tend to know how to distract myself when i feel anxious. like yeah i panic for a moment but lately i've been really got at managing my anxiety after a while to calm myself down 😎

i like that i am not reckless with money. it's not like we're poor,,but we don't really have money to throw out for useless things so i am pretty good with my money. i don't buy anything i really really want if i know it's not worth that much and i am really good at saving money for a long time.

once this anon thing is all over i am making you do this as well because i literally spent 20 minutes on this and i am not even joking 😗✌

also thanks for the hugs i feel every single one of them so pls never stop sending them

[ihavewaytoomanyfeelings]

I am so close to deleting twitter tumble and ifunny off my phone. All of this shit is so political and having to be political correct. I am over all these arguments and debates about everything. I’m done. Omg just let me look at the funny. That’s all I’m here for. Fuck it. Might as well delete Instagram and Reddit while I’m at it. What’s the need for social media. Oh rihjt. To be engaged In other ppls lives and to feel shitty about ur own. Ok this is just coming from a place of boredom. I feel so alone and I’d rather turn to anger than loneliness. I hate being in Chicago by myself in this studio. I have to work in the morning which means I can’t hang w anyone. And even if I did. I don’t think anyone would wanna hang w me. I’m just igajanjanak. Annoyed. Frustrated. Bored. I spent the entire day today watching tv. That’s all I did. I came back from work and all I did was watch television. I am not a productive member of society. And u know. I would like to go explore Chicago. I’ll be living here. Right? But I can’t. Bc it’s ducking cold and I don’t own a fucking jacket. That’s right. I forgot to pack a jacket. And it’s gonna rain soon actually. I hate this so much. I wanna lay down and cry but wait I have to eat tinner first. But I don’t want to and I’m just gonna keep typing. Who knows if this becomes a draft or a post but holy shit I’m just ducking over everything. Like not in a im gonna end it kinda way but more of a omg I wanna go home and have my parents lecture me instead of staying here by myself. After breaking up w someone who I was with for almost 2 years. I miss her so much but I know I can’t get back w her. It was becoming suffocoayting and if I was still w her I couldn’t be making the friends that I’m making rn. Is that ducked? Abso fuckinf lutely. But it’s just I have always had someone to talk to or someone w me as a constant in my life. I’ve never had to be alone and the fact that I do for this entire summer makes me so incredibly sad bc I don’t know anyone here. I know no one in this city and I think I’m gonna eat dinner and watch Gilmore girls now. Idk man. Fuck

[moonyxnights]

Bill’s Book || Bill Denbrough

Request: jungkooksbowlingskills- “Could you do 9 and 49 with bill denbrough? 💕”

49: “I don’t wanna screw this up”

9: “You’re in love with her.”

Summary: Bill has trouble expressing his feelings for (Y/N), and Eddie can see him struggling. Whilst (Y/N) talks to Beverly about her feelings for Bill.

A/N: so I kinda used my feelings for someone who I proper like who looks so much like Jaeden so it kinda helped with this, so I hope you’s enjoy it bc this is basically the situation im in rnnnn lol help. I also wrote this while listening to Appalachian Moon by Kevin Reilly (bc Charlie Heaton in As You Are) on repeat to get that feeling you knowwww, so I suggest listening to it whilst reading if you can. (I also wanna do a lil story of Bev x reader, so I guess let me know your thoughts on that bc I have an idea and it’d be helloooooo emotional- and based off of ‘as you are’)

Bill had never been so unsure, confused and scared of something so much in his life. He was unsure of his feelings, confused as to why he couldn’t pinpoint how he felt and scared that she would disappear. Ever since Georgie, Bill had trouble getting close to someone, too terrified of them getting hurt and leaving him. He was a very quiet person; he didn’t want the rest of the group to know about these uncertain feelings he had: the first secret he’d ever kept from them all. But if one thing helped him the most, it was that she was the same: terrified however, she was pretty certain of her feelings towards him. It had taken her a while to adjust to the new feeling of liking someone, but she soon came to the realisation that, yes, she completely adored him. Yet, neither one knew about the other.

“How ya doing Bill,” she smiled, nudging him lightly as she sat beside him on the wide library steps. He smiled in return, but couldn’t seem to get any words out, and so he just decided to nod. “What are the plans for today, then?” she watched as everyone discussed about the layout of the day, but gradually she zoned out. Voices becoming background noise to the shuffles of Bill beside her, of his flu sniffles and his nervous breathing. She turned to him, seeing that he was already slightly looking at her too, before the two quickly looked away from each other.

“Were either of you, shits, actually listening?” Richie asked, suddenly bringing her focus back to them. She looked up and nodded, before looking down to her feet, the points of them facing inwards to each other. “Liars,” he shouted in a British accent, causing everyone to roll their eyes.

“Shut up, Itchie,” she joked, standing up and flicking his forehead, causing a small laugh to escape Bill’s mouth. This made her turn round sharply to look at him, but he just closed his book and stood too, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“W-we should g-g-get going t-t-t-t,” he tried to get the words out but they didn’t seem to want to. Richie laughed to himself and she shoved him lightly.

“Seriously, Rich, shut up,” she said. “Bill, take your time,” she nodded towards him but he just shrugged.

“I-it doesn’t matter,” he said quietly, which led the group to look at each other. They didn’t understand why Bill had been acting this way for the past week, but Eddie had his suspicions. He knew Bill too well, knowing that certain behaviours of his meant something deeper. Eddie looked at him as he walked away, chasing to catch up to him. Bill turned to his side at him, saw Eddie’s concerned face. “It d-d-doesn’t matter,” he repeated reassuringly but Eddie wasn’t convinced.

Beverly and (Y/N) were sat on (Y/N)’s roof, the sunset gradually coming to an end. “Do you know what’s up with Bill, lately?” she asked but Beverly shook her head. (Y/N) sighed, looking out to the sky, knees close to her chest as paranoia and sorrow formed. “I’m worried about him, Bev.”

Beverly looked over to her, a weak smile held limply on her face. “We all are,” she took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. For the rest of the day earlier, Bill had kept his distance and tried to speak as little as possible. “What about you?” she asked, looking to (Y/N) softly, “Are you okay?” Beverly had been seeing the way that she looked at Bill for the past month, an ache in her chest of empathy.

(Y/N) just shrugged, “I don’t even know anymore,” she spoke quietly, biting the inside of her lip. She stayed staring out towards the sky, absent-mindedly. “Like my whole focus has been on making sure Bill’s okay, you know, because of everything with Georgie, so much that I forgot to take shit seriously for myself,” Beverly listened intently as she vented. “But lately he’s been so dismissive with me over the littlest of things,” she quickly turned her body to face Beverly. “Have I done something? Is there something I should’ve picked up on, like what- what am I meant to do?” she ran her hands through her hair, frustrated and upset.

Beverly placed her hands on her forearms as they rested on her head, “(Y/N) you haven’t done anything,” she reassured her, looking her directly in the eyes. “It’s probably just Georgie,” she took her hands away and (Y/N) lowered her arms. The two looked at each other softly before they both turned to look at in front of them again.

They stayed in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of cars and birds in the distance. They could hear her neighbours playing music loudly, clearly drowning out the noise of a family argument. They could see lights in the far houses gradually dimming to black, almost as if they played a Mexican wave of turning off lights.

“Bev,” she said, barely above a whisper, wanting to keep the secret to her ears only. Beverly hummed, indicating for her to proceed. “I think I like Bill,” Beverly’s heart stopped for a mere second, she had always had the thought that she did.

“At least you finally admitted it to someone,” she laughed lightly, an elegant sound through the night. “What are you going to do about it?” she asked, not wanting to make any eye contact.

“I don’t know,” she breathed out, laying down on her back, hands underneath her head for comfort. Beverly turned to her this time and rested on her elbow beside her. “What do you do in this situation?” Beverly stayed quiet and just shrugged in reply.

“Maybe just tell him,” she suggested.

“I don’t want to screw this up,” (Y/N) took a slow blink, sighing louder than she had before. “I don’t want to ruin the group, it’s the only place I’ve felt comfortable.”

“I can’t tell you what to do,” Beverly sat up, as did (Y/N). Beverly held her legs close to her whilst (Y/N) had her legs out in front of her, she rested her head on Beverly’s shoulder. “This whole thing is up to you.”

Eddie followed Bill that evening, determined to find out why Bill was acting the way he was. Bill had spent the journey continuously telling Eddie to go home, but Eddie stayed put beside him. When they reached Bill’s house, the two sat on his steps together. Bill had finally given up with crying alone in his room, and whilst he stared towards the road that Georgie had followed, his lip began to quiver. Eddie placed an arm around his shoulder, rubbing his back as he did so, and let Bill sob without pestering.

Bill sat up from his hunched position, wiped his eyes with his palms before Eddie passed him a tissue from his fanny-pack. He looked at his friend, his chest aching with empathy as much as Beverly’s did for (Y/N). “I’m s-sorry,” Bill muttered, slightly embarrassed.

“Don’t be,” Eddie spoke quickly, crushed that Bill felt the need to apologise. “Don’t ever be sorry for crying, Bill, you’re allowed to grieve,” he removed his hand from Bill’s back and placed it on his lap. Bill sniffled and mumbled something that Eddie couldn’t make out. “I’m sorry for following you home but you know I’m worried about you, we all are.”

“I’m f-f-fine,” he managed to get out. Eddie sighed and shook his head, “What?” Bill asked, confused at Eddie’s reaction.

“You’ve been different,” he said. “And that’s not just because of Georgie, is it, Bill?” he raised his eyebrows, knowing full well there was more of an underlying issue. Bill shook his head. “Thank you, now, you’re going to talk about it with me,” he spoke with a firm insistence.

“Ed-d-die,” he spoke quietly, looking to floor away from him. “I don’t th-think I c-c-can,” he shook his leg nervously.

“Why not?” Eddie asked, concerned and worried for Bill. “How bad is it, Bill?” Bill stayed quiet, fiddling with thumbs. He didn’t know if he should tell Eddie or just lie, but he wanted to tell someone. He wanted to tell someone what he was afraid but that only made him more afraid of losing his friends. “Bill?” Eddie’s voice was muffled behind Bill’s paranoid thoughts.

“I,” He stopped himself from speaking, he tapped his book before passing it to Eddie. At first Eddie was confused, but when Bill nodded towards he realised that the answer was held within the book. He looked at Bill, making sure he had 100% permission, and then looked down. He carefully opened the book to find drawings of Georgie at first, then to some small stories he’d written, next few pages of the Losers Club, until finally he came to the pages in which she covered. Her face, drawn perfectly and painted perfectly, covered them: laughing, crying, side views, almost everything.

“You’re in love with her,” Eddie whispered, mostly to himself but enough to let Bill hear him. “Bill, these are amazing.”

Bill took the book back gently, closing it and rested it on his lap again. “I don’t know h-how I f-f-feel, Eds.”

“Yes you do,” he said plainly. “You’re just scared, which is understandable but at least tell her. Let her know, Bill, let her see those,” Bill shook his head. “Bill.”

“I don’t th-think it’s the s-s-same thing for her,” he muttered and Eddie laughed lightly, causing him to look up at him.

“You’re joking, right? Have you seen the way she looks at you, looks after you and acts around you?” Eddie stood up, energy fuelled and excited. “Tell her, Bill, trust me.”

Beverly had made (Y/N) think for the remainder of the night and for the week after. Eddie had made Bill contemplate his feelings and contemplate admitting them to her throughout the week, also. None of the others in the group had even noticed the difference in atmosphere when the two were near, as well as having Eddie and Beverly knowing.

(Y/N) had woken up one morning with the instant need to tell him; the feeling had been brewing through her sleep and as soon as her eyes opened, she knew. She got up, earlier than usual, and got dressed into her jeans, large knitted jumper and quickly took a piece of toast from the middle plate from the middle of the dining table. She sat at the bottom of the stairs and put on her worn out converse, stumbling slightly as she stood up and finished tying the second shoe. She opened the front door, breathed nervously and then closed the door behind her, finding her way towards Bill’s house.

Bill had done the same, woken up with this sudden desire to tell her how he felt. His feelings had become a lot more certain after his discussion with Eddie and his contemplation week. He woke up and took a second as he looked at Georgie’s door, instantly becoming overwhelmed by his fears of loss. He walked passed the door and let them float away from his mind, now confident with his decision. He got dressed, green Tracker Bros. shirt and half-length jeans already laid out for him to wear. He grabbed his book and shoved it into his rucksack; made his way downstairs and to the front door. He breathed nervously, a small hint of him filled with doubt and regret, and then opened the door, walking outside.

“C’mon, (Y/N), keep it together,” she spoke to herself, rubbing her clammy hands together to lessen the sweat. She walked fast and was unsure if she was shivering because of nerves or the because of the breeze. She went over the specific words she wanted to say in her head, constantly shaking her head and mentally changing them.

“B-Bill,” he muttered. “You’re ok-kay, y-you can d-d-do this,” he tripped slightly on his way, looking around him to see if anyone had noticed. He, too, went over his exact words, more so his actions of giving her the book and his explanation of each drawing of her. Then he thought, what if she finds it weird? He shook his head, in attempts to get the thought to leave his head and then he stopped in his tracks.

She looked up and came to an abrupt halt, staring at the boy in front of her. “Hi,” they said at the same time. They both blushed and laughed, looking away from each other anxiously and then back to each other. “I was just coming to see you,” she said.

“S-s-so was I,” he smiled. “I mean, I-I was c-c-coming to s-see you,” he corrected, scrunching his face in embarrassment and regret. “S-sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t be,” she smiled warmly towards him, the two still standing opposite each other. “I wanted to tell you something, Bill,” he opened his eyes and looked at her, hope written across his face.  

“I have something to give you,” he trailed, slightly unsure if he should go ahead with the idea.

“I like you, Bill,” she spoke fast, desperate to get the feelings out in the open. He froze. “I think I love you.” His eyes widened and he couldn’t get any words out, all he could was smile. He then quickly rummaged, holding a finger to her as he did, for the book.

He passed her the book and nodded for her to open it, she gave the same look to him as Eddie did, making sure she was allowed to and making sure he was okay with it. He waved for her to open it and she turned the pages, seeing all of the things that Eddie had seen. Her eyes scanned the pages, she trailed her fingers across the paintings and drawings.

“Bill,” she whispered, amazement and adoration filling her eyes in the form of tears. “Bill, these are… these are incredible,” she looked up to him, seeing his smile wider and he looked a lot more at ease. He didn’t look as stressed, dismissive or scared.

“I’m in l-love w-w-with you,” he said. “I wasn’t sure a-at f-first, I w-was s-scared because of G-G-Georgie,” he struggled with his brother’s name so she placed her hand on his upper arm for comfort. “Then E-Eddie t-told me I did,” she laughed lightly.

“Eddie told you that you loved me?” he nodded. “That’s really sweet,” she smiled. The two shared a look before she leant forward and kissed his cheek, a lingering and caring type of kiss, to allow him to take the moment in, and to allow him to know she wasn’t going to leave him.

[rieamy]

Dear diary,

Guess who’s back for another rant? This girl! Things are getting bad again. I couldn’t stay asleep for long hours anymore. Its like the 3rd week already. I’m physically and mentally tired. School has been draining the living shit out of me. Havent had any social life outside of school or game. The non stop assignments, chasing deadlines, practical tests, and soon to be exam. Because of work I couldn’t make time for work. I just know myself if I’m tired I couldn’t focus.

Ps, i kenal this guy. We’re not dating, we knew each other through game, CODM. I’ve always played BR on my own. This one game i saw this person kill like banyak, it was 10 ke 12. In my heart, i was like, GOD DAMN SON BAGUS PE DEKNI??!! So me being me i added for fun. Who knows in the future we can play together again? He invited me to play so many times. By the time i forgot who the hell is this guy la. One point I accepted. It was him & his other friend. We got along well! Just that they tend to kejar kills and there’s me. 0 or 4 kill max 😂. It got to the point of everyday i masuk cod kul 10 ish to see him online or not. We play one or two games and stayed in the lobby and chat for hours at a time. We did this, before exchanging ig. Chat, then slowly vc. Took us awhile to exchange numbers. Its cheeky of him to note down my phone number when i was otp w him and i was at Apple store. At the door of the shop talking to the assistant to confirm my appointment by using phone number. Tu pun he waited like a week to miscall me while we’re otp on ig 🤓. Forgot that he saved my number which means i can see his profile photo?? 😂 yada yada yada i like him. He knows i like him. The amount of times i burst into flames bc i got jealous eventho i have no rights to 🤡.

After 6 months, we finally met in person. Cuz u know im insecure and idw to fall so hard for this person after what happened to my last. But girl the only reason why im here ranting BC I GERAM. Like i fkin geram. He’s so stubborn and stuck w his own ways. I tell him things or actions he do that hurt me he doesn’t wanna change or make amends. He only apologise. He never said anything like; it wont happen again. He just drops and push everything under a rug in hopes the situation will get better the next day. Like, things dont work this way in the real world. Am I supposed to pujuk hati sendiri in situations after i let him know whats bothering me? A conversation about how you feel is not supposed to end in an argument. Just for once, to feel heard or validated seem so hard. When things get tough he just want nothing to do w it. He only wants the good parts but not the bad. Said that he’s too stubborn w his ways. I said, “too bad, cause that’s how u lose people. The day i go silent, is the day u lost me”. If i do mean anything to him, he will change for the better. But we’re going in circles, its never ending cycle unless he’s gonna do something about himself.

Dont know if its the fact he’s too young for me or is because he has never been in a rs. He doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself. He puts himself first so much he doesn’t feel its worth it to put someone else’s happiness first. As a person in general , as a friend, he’s great but when it comes to anything related to a female feelings. He’s just not up for it. He just don’t wanna deal w any of that. To him its all stupid. Is what i feel is stupid haha 💔 my friends keep telling me he’s young, lagi tak pernah masuk rs or date anyone. To him this is all new. My patience is wearing thin. I did not talk to anyone all these months just to know and meet someone who’s not ready & not ready to make any changes about himself. I took my own time to fixed myself, be it emotionally or as a person. I went on a chatting and dating hiatus. Guys wanted to know me, i went out here and there but I haven’t find someone that i really want in my life until i knew him. And tada he’s not ready. Who’s the clown? Me. Im the clown. There’s better guys out there who can treat me so much better but i dont want them. How? Lol. Honestly im willing to wait till my patience & i lose feelings for him. That’s when i will leave. I have a lot of patience in me generally. I spread myself way too thin for someone who wouldn’t wanna turn my frown upside down.

Ok that’s all for my rant today. Listening to my sad playlist while i type down and take intermittent cries in between cause i know, i should be treated way better than this. After all i go thru, fixing myself over the past few years, learn from my mistakes. I deserve so much better. So much better treatment than to put aside when he doesn’t wanna deal w me.

[assholemurphy]

i need to write a 2pg (double spaced) paper over the ‘unitary executive’ being a myth argument, i’ve been assigned pro, which, bc the title isn’t v telling, i have no fucking idea which side i’m on. that means i have to read 10pgs and cite quotes from those pgs to back up my case and i just... don’t... want to.... bleh...

it’s so boring, so annoying, i’d rather debate abt the current presidency and how it’s gone to shit, but no, this class is abt debating technical aspects of the presidency, which is all well and good, i find it interesting, but like, not tonight. all i wanna do is write fic. that’s it. all i wanna do.

but my paper is due at 8a and technically (bc i’m sick) i need sleep today. esp considering i’ve got shop hours (unless i go to the nurse and get tested for the flu and it comes back positive, which i need to do, then i’m not allowed anywhere near theatre) from 1-3p, possibly til 5p, but probs just til 3 bc i don’t feel well. so i need sleep, and i’m tired, but i’m also restless and on edge and i just don’t feel okay at all. i’ve been trying to make myself do this assignment since 6:30p. it’s been 4 hours and i still can’t do it.

my adhd meds have worn off, if i even took them today?? i think i did, but i can’t remember. i need to drink some caffeine and get to work but i just don’t want to. at all. and ik even if i do it, i won’t go to sleep immediately bc i want to write.

so, i think i’m gonna try to write for a bit and see if i can get my shit together enough to write this stupid paper. it’s so fucking short, i wrote 2pgs single spaced in the span of 30 min last time (bc i wasn’t aware it was supposed to be double spaced cause she never told us) so it should be extremely easy, but it’s not. my brother is snoring and i can hear him thru the walls and it’s grating on my every nerve bc he’s been asleep ALL FUCKING DAY so all i’ve heard is him snoring and it’s incredibly annoying. and i can’t play music to write my paper bc that’s too distracting w/o my meds working (as is his fucking snoring, he needs a sleep study done so they’ll take out his tonsils, but he never calls the dr, tho he blames the dr for it not being done yet, even tho he never fucking calls) and i’m so fucking pissed.

i tried to go to class today but i left halfway thru my first one bc i felt like shit. i was shaking and had a fever and was sweating and my throat was on fire and just, ugh, i hate being sick. i rly fucking do. it’s not strep bc i saw the dr today and they tested me for it, but it might be the flu, apparently, bc one of my friends who was over here sunday night (we got drunk, it was great) has the flu, so it’s possible. i hope not, but like, if it’s not that, then there’s nothing that can be done for me bc it’s probs just a virus. but it sucks.

i just want to scream bc everything’s wrong and i feel like i’m gonna have a panic attack but i don’t know why. nothing is rly wrong, it’s just a bunch of little things, like this paper and me being sick and my self-imposed deadlines for a project i have that i’m behind on. i just rly don’t want to be alone rn but in the event that i’m sick, i don’t wanna get anyone sick. i’ve been incredibly out of sorts for the past several days and i don’t know why. it keeps getting worse. nothing is rly wrong, exactly, but i feel so fucked up for some unknown reason. ok, well, ik part of the reason and it worries me (it’s not something i can fix, tho). it’s frustrating. it’d be easier if i had all my meds (i’m getting them tomorrow, tho, hopefully, if my psych has called them in, if not, i’m switching psychs bc i’m done with this ‘we never got the paperwork’ bullshit when i don’t have this problem with any other dr, this isn’t even the first time it’s happened. i’m tired of this bullshit).

i just need a shower and caffeine and maybe a friend. if one is available. probs not, tho. but i’m gonna shower first. then see if i actually want to text anyone. but i need a shower before anything else. hot water will do me good. then some caffeine. then to write. then to do this fucking paper.

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

[honeyfreckled]

❤️vday update (cw: 🎀relationship tmi stuff, k*nks⛓️)

our online orders are due to arrive today! it’s all the stuff we’re gonna use for the scene on vday. we wanna open it all up and make sure it’s all there and correct. and...maybe test out some of the items lol. 

kinda bad timing bc I have a lot of drs/errands during the day and in the night the weather is due to drop again which means I’m likely gonna flare up. we’re preparing/planning for it though. he’s gonna take my flare up essentials to his place and get some easy to handle foods and have all the supplies needed for play and clean up. he wants to cook this dish for me but idk. i’ve not been into eating much, and not rlly wanting foods that require alot of chewing bc of how badly the head i gave him fucked w my TMJ. 

we’re hoping to at least get to try out some of the ties and ropes since he’s been practicing the knots i taught him. and we know for sure the toys we got for him will get tested out. YES! he’s already prepping like oh fuuck i love him. for me, there’s a few things i won’t be able to handle until my hip is feeling better. which if i flare up tonight, i’m sure the last thing i’ll want is to use the more intense toys. i wont be able to handle getting gagged or spanked. but he says he’s down for switching or subbing so we might try them on him. and we’ll still be able to do non-penetrative sex and intimacy sharing. 

he won’t tell me which items he picked off my special wishlist, as he wants that to be part of my vday surprise. im so excited i cannot stop giggling every time i think abt it. and like we’ve been working each other up verbally. oof. i think my favorite pastime has to be leaving him speechless bc he talks more than i do (which is a lot lol) so seeing him reduced to stuttering is just *chef’s kiss* 

and then he just comes right back w something he says that’ll get me so geared up and then i’ll be a blushing mess too lol. it’s just. wow. u guys don’t understand. before him, i had the most awful track record. the sexual partners i had, the relationships, everything was totally unhealthy and awful. and w him ive found my true love. which i didnt think was a real thing before. it’s astounding how perfectly he matches my energy and how rare it is to find someone who gets u and shares the same kinks and has no argument against yr hard limits. someone who will do the most filthy fucking degrading shit to u, but still hold u in high regard and respect u and be willing to put in the work. 

the scene is growing into including more things from our list of special kinks. i finally admitted to myself and to him that this is still sometimes hard for me. i still struggle w fearing he’ll realize im trash and wanna walk away. that’s prob bc i never got therapy for what i went thru during my years as a sex worker. my past traumas keep trying to rear their ugly heads and it’s hard to fight those repressed emotions and intrusive thoughts/images.

i just have to keep reminding myself how far i’ve come. i wasn’t even able to fuck w the clothes off when we first started out. i was a complete mess from my traumas. experiencing repression on top of repulsion. i wasn’t able to do anything sexual without an extremely difficult crash afterwards. things are so different now. i’m vocal abt everything i need/want/expect and not afraid to say no to things and not afraid to ask for things. i’ve never felt more safe, heard, understood, loved, or cared for by another person in all my life. im able to be my authentic self bc i trust him. bc he earned that trust and works every day to ensure i feel nothing but love from him. even when he’s in the dominant role. even when he isn’t able to speak. i just feel so fucking loved ik this is like so corny but eh whatever im a corny person! i love my man!