#i knew i had to make patrick naked the second i saw that image

[fobnsfwdoodles]

I have been wanting to paint for y'all FOREVER like I NEED the high quality NSFW work lol

So let's use evil powers on these images

Really hoping to do more Livestreams like this soon because it was so fun talking with y'all and really helped to talk out the painting process :3

[cultofbeatles]

beginners guide to the members of led zeppelin (kind of)

a disclaimer before anyone starts reading: we all know led zeppelin is shady as hell and we hardly ever get anything confirmed or denied around here. so some stuff is up for speculation. everything in this post are things i've read in books, heard in interviews, or got from some other source. when it comes to “facts about led zeppelin” sometimes you gotta take it with a grain of salt. but honestly it’s led zeppelin we’re talking about, anything is possible. also this is all in good fun and giggles. with that being said, let’s get started with introductions to the members themselves.

jimmy page 

james patrick page 

born on January 9, 1944 

he’s a capricorn sun, cancer moon, and scorpio rising so you just know he’s a crazy motherfucker 

was an amazing session guitarist and basically everyone wanted him 

went to art school bc he’s just talented at everything i guess 

if you didn't know already he played the guitar for Joe cocker’s ‘with a little help from my friends’

declined his first offer to join the yardbirds but later decided to join 

was the last member to leave the group

basically was the leader of led zeppelin 

was gifted a telecaster guitar by his friend jeff beck and he adored it 

and he painted a cool dragon design on it 

played on it for the first led zeppelin album 

when he was on tour one of his friends painted over his dragon design and ruined the guitar 

he produced all of led zeppelin’s albums and is responsible for the remastering of those same albums 

paid for led zeppelin’s first album to be produced with his own money

deadass would have whips and handcuffs around with him on tour for the groupies 

but was apparently an amazing lover and cared for the people he slept with

one time he got naked on a food cart thingy, put whip cream over his body, and had john bonham push him into a room with groupies in it 

has such a small and soft voice 

was fascinated in aleister crowley and his work

would collect crowely memorabilia 

even bought crowley’s boleskine house 

had a bookstore at one point so he could get books easier 

struggled with addiction to drugs for most of the seventies 

went on a liquid diet late seventies and refused to eat solid food 

he got really skinny bc of it :( 

miss pamela (one of his girlfriends/lovers) once said that jimmy cried on the phone to her over her playboy photoshoot lmaoo

once flied pamela’s pet raccoon in first class 

allegedly had a relationship with lori maddox who was about 15 years old 

laughed as two of his girlfriends were fighting each other 

was kind of constantly nervous about his and the band’s image

has amazing guitar solos and improvisation but damn sometimes they drag on foreverrrr

deadass scared the shit out of david bowie so much that he had his house exorcised and would avoid jimmy at parties 

we love demons 

zoso

he’ll never tell us what zoso means and I'm mad

had two people die in his home. one was a friend who died from a drug overdose, and the other was john bonham when he died from choking on his vomit.  

has been accused for the deaths of john bonham and robert plant’s son karac bc of that stupid “curse” rumor

deserves critiques for several things but doesn't deserve hate for that 

has been through a lot and come out pretty okay

produced his current girlfriend’s, scarlett sabet, spoken poetry vinyl 

check out scarlett’s work bc it’s amazing

would probably always be down for another led zeppelin reunion 

robert plant

robert anthony plant 

born on august 20, 1948

this is the most attractive man ever. do not argue with me. 

nicknamed percy 

wasnt jimmy’s first pick for a singer 

jerry reid suggested robert to jimmy. and when jimmy asked what he looked like jerry said, “like a greek god.”

jimmy thought something was wrong with robert when he first found him bc he was such a good singer and hadn't been signed yet 

after a practice together jimmy knew he had his singer 

he would call robert “the young guy with the powerful voice.”

he thought about leaving the band early on bc he was so nervous about being in it 

convinced john bonham to join the group bc they were the bestest of buddies 

he’s not credited on the first album bc he was still under another contract 

started song writing for the second album by jimmy’s memory 

it didn't take long for him to gain confidence and start owning the stage 

once when he was performing a dove flew in his hands 

there’s an audio of him singing john bonham happy birthday and it makes me so happy 

he would call himself a greek god 

would party with john bonham a lot 

kind of the hippy of the group 

moans moans moans and even louder moans into the microphone 

would wear women’s shirts and looked amazing in them 

nurses do it better 

not to mention his super tight jeans 

we all know his dick is huge and he’s just showing it off 

has the prettiest, fluffiest blonde hair 

and the sweetest smile 

can you tell that i find him attractive yet?

has a fear of earthquakes 

also supposedly had some sort of a relationship to an underage groupie named sable starr (14)

also has a fear of led zeppelin nowadays 

either fear or amnesia 

it’s likely that he’s the reason we’ll never get another led zeppelin reunion 

though a close friend thinks that if the show went to charity robert would probably do it 

robert loved john bonham too much to play in led zeppelin without him

and i respect that a lot 

no matter how much he’s offered for a show he turns it down every time

in 1975 he got in a severe car crash and ended up being in a wheelchair 

still went on to record zeppelin’s album 

once while recording on crutches and started to fall and jimmy apparently zoomed in to save him. robert never saw him move that fast before

his five year old son (karac) died from a sudden stomach illness while he was in america on tour

absolutely crushed him 

was deeply upset that neither jimmy page or john paul jones reached out to him during that time of his life 

john bonham was there for him though 

robert apparently never forgave them for that 

a car he was working on fell on top of him and crushed some of his ribs as well 

late seventies was not a good time for robert plant 

but he got through it all like a champ

hates stairway to heaven with a passion lmao  

one time he paid a radio station a shit ton of money just to make sure they'd never play stairway to heaven again 

almost didn't sing stairway for the 2007 reunion but ended up agreeing to it after all 

he said he breaks out in hives when he has to play that song 

he and jimmy made their own symbols. robert’s is the feather inside the circle 

in 2007 he won beard of the year 

john bonham

john bonham 

born on may 31, 1948

nickname is bonzo

oh boy, there’s a lot of stories about bonzo 

he was known as the nicest and sweetest guy ever 

unless he was drunk 

he drank a lot :/

denied jimmy’s offer to join the group and continued to deny it until robert convinced him 

once flew the starship (led zeppelin’s plane) even though he didn't have a license to 

hated touring so much 

he always missed his family 

so he drank 

he was so damn crazy when drunk that the other members would book rooms floors above where his was so he wouldn't disturb them

tore about his hotel rooms like no other 

he has a son named jason bonham who he loved a lot 

bought him a nice drum kit when he was younger 

jason is just about led zeppelin’s biggest fan next to jimmy page 

one time bonzo broke a girl’s vibrator when drunk

also punched a girl in the face when drunk once bc she waved at him 

partly responsible for the famous mud shark story where a girl was apparently fucked with a dead shark by him and zeppelin’s tour manager 

liked cars a lot 

really really loved his family. cannot stress it enough

was irked that john paul jones got out of playing shows during the christmas holiday and he didn't 

punched robert in the face once too 

him and john paul jones equals the best rhythm section ever 

jimmy would call it magic how well him and bonzo got along 

bonzo could handle anything jimmy threw at him 

he wasn't really a part of it, but he had to go to jail bc peter grant and two other dudes almost killing a man (long story omfg, but apparently the doctors had to put the dude’s eyeball back into his socket)

was there for robert when karac died 

they were really good friends 

there’s an interview with them together where bonzo is laughing at robert about his little farm 

gave good hugs apparently 

played drums like no other could and knew he was good 

but still sometimes got insecure and got upset when someone he looked up to said his drumming wasn't all that special 

his symbol is the three rings and he picked it out of a book like john paul jones did his 

he died in jimmy page’s house (not the crowley house btw)

he had to drink the equivalent of 40 shots of vodka and choked on his vomit in his sleep 

led zeppelin died on the same day 

nobody can replace john bonham 

his son filled in his role for the 2007 reunion show and did an amazing job of it. the whole show is on youtube, go check it out

john paul jones

 john richard baldwin 

born on january 3, 1946

nickname is jonesy 

was also a session guitarist like jimmy 

they had worked together before 

when he found out jimmy was forming a group he called jimmy and was basically given the spot immediately 

not only was the bassist but also the keyboardist 

and could play the recorder 

insanely talented. put some respect on his name 

he talks in italics i swear to god 

i don't have mainly crazy stories about jonesy bc he wasn't about that life 

deadass he would go on stage, perform, walk off stage and go to a whole separate hotel from the other

he would only tell one person where he was at and told them not to call unless for super urgent emergencies 

pissed peter grant off so much lmao 

wasn't really super close to anyone in the band tbh 

but bonzo was probably his greatest friend in the band 

jimmy and robert kind of leave him out in my opinion 

or they use to 

when he found out that jimmy and robert were making their own symbols instead of picking out of a book like he was he said “of course!”  and laughed 

was pretty much left out of the live aid show 

he had to squeeze himself on the stage and wasn't even able to play bass. he had to play the keyboard 

“and thank you to my friends for finally remembering my phone number” -savage as hell john paul jones 

he was one of the two people who found john bonham dead 

it’s sad to think about

is actually quite funny

he has this kind of dry humor?? idk but it’s amazing 10/10 content 

when john paul jones walks into the room interviewers break into a sweat

managed to look like a completely different person every year throughout the seventies or is it just my eyes?

has an Instagram account now go follow it for cute throwback photos lol

that’s all i really have for generic useless information about led zeppelin members for beginners. i hope it was somewhat entertaining. i'll make some more beginners stuff for led zeppelin. i will make y'all stan them lmao. i'm tagging @babygotblueeyes​ bc i know for a fact you want to get into them <3

[scarofthewind]

Abused || Bowers Gang x Reader

Preference: The boys find out the truth behind the scars and bruises on your back and why you didn’t attend school that past few days. THIS IS A POLY! RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE READER AND THE BOWERS GANG!

Words: 1,530

“Well, well, well! Look who came back from the grave.” A familiar voice called from behind you. You didn’t even have time to turn around before Patrick shut your locker for you and wrapped a long slender arm around your shoulders.

“Hi boys.” You sighed, tightening your grip on your backpack strap.

“Where have you been the past few days?” Henry glared at you, scanning your face as if there was anything that changed.

“Sick.”

“Don’t lie, (Y/N).” Victor started, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Why does it matter to you bozo’s anyway? Now get off, I have to go to class.” You pushed Patrick’s arm off and walked down the hall, your thin white shirt giving them a slight peek of your back.

“Vic, Belch, go to the girls’ bathroom and clear it out. Patrick and I will meet you there in an hour. We’ve got some serious business to discuss with our little (Y/N).” Henry instructed, watching as the two boys left, leaving him to deal with a smirking Patrick.

•

As soon as the bell rang for you to go to your next class, you felt like you were going to pass out from the pain you felt. Your back was stinging with every movement you made and it didn’t help that the white shirt you had on was the only clean thing in your dresser this morning.

You were so behind on school work that you were sure you would fail. Your thoughts proved correct as you walked out of the classroom with a note from the teacher saying you had Saturday school to make up hours. This wasn’t the only time you’d been absent like this, this year.

With a frown on your face and your eyes trained on the blue handwritten note from the teacher, you didn’t even realize you had walked into Henry until he grabbed your wrist tightly. Before you could snap at him, you felt Patrick grabbing your other wrist and helping Henry pull you through the crowd of people in the halls.

“Are you guys seriously doing this right now? Let me go!” You hissed, angry that they were ignoring you. Being as stubborn as you were, you put on your brakes, not moving from your spot and making Henry tighten his grip on your wrist.

His eyes met yours with a glare and he moved towards you, your face inches from his, “Either you pick up your fucking feet and stop acting like a child or I let him have his way with you right here, right now.” Your eyes widened and you looked to Patrick who licked his lips and smiled at you causing you to shiver.

“Fine. But at least tell me where you’re taking me.” You complied, not looking Patrick in the eyes.

“No.” He smirked, continuing to tug your arm and guide you to the girls bathroom which was being guarded by Vic and Belch.

“Lock the door behind us.” Patrick nodded to Belch and he did, making sure no teachers saw them before meeting the gang in the center of the restroom.

“What the hell did you drag me all the way over here for?” You argued, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Turn around and face the mirrors. Grab the sink too.” Henry told you, twirling his finger around. You stared at him for a moment in confusion but you did it anyway, rolling your eyes in the process.

You watched Patrick through the mirror, feeling like you were naked before him as he practically undressed you with his deep eyes. “There. Happy?”

That’s when you froze. You could feel your grip tighten on the sinks edge as the boys peered over you, their eyes locked on your back. Your shirt was being lifted up by Henry as they looked at the scars, bruises and fresh cuts along your back. “Did you do that?” Vic snapped at Patrick and for a moment you saw a death glare in Henry’s eyes.

“What? No! I know my limits.” The lanky boy growled, reaching out to touch one of the marks.

You stood upright, forcing your shirt back down and feeling your face heat up from embarrassment as well as tears form in your eyes. “(Y/N)? You alright?” Belch asked. You shook your head, biting the inside of your cheek to keep from crying. “Who did that to you?” He asked, sorry in his voice.

“Don’t tell us some lame story like you did about the scars. None of them were an ‘accident’ were they?” Vic stated, his eyes meeting yours through the mirror for a split second.

That look; the look all of them-even Patrick- was enough to break you. You took in a shaky breath and turned around to face them, except you kept your gaze low. “He never used to get this rough. He never used so much force or kept going until I had to fend for my life- he never made me feel like that is was so much that I would die. It never got this bad.”

“Your dad did this to you?” Patrick sounded shocked, just as the rest of their faces were. To them, your father was a nice man- but you knew better. Henry kind of knew what it was like, but his dad wasn’t that bad.

You rubbed your arm and nodded, trying not to think about what happened. “Sunday night he’d lost it and came home a different man. He yelled, threw stuff, then came for me. When he was done he left but came back every few hours or so. I managed at one point to slip past him when he was out cold and went to the police station.” Henry tensed up, his mind reeling with all the bad images that flashed through his head.

“They arrested him. He’s not getting out while I’m alive.” You wiped a few tears away, running a hand through your hair.

“Did he...touch you?” Henry asked, that one question was one every boy in the room was wondering. You just had to look the boys in the eyes for them to know everything.

“Fuck, (Y/N).” Victor said, reaching out and pulling you into a tight hug, rubbing your back as you clung to his thin body.

“That shouldn’t have happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of that.” Belch chimed in, watching as you looked at him from over Vic’s shoulder.

Henry waited a moment before speaking up, “Belch, Vic, you two should go get the car and pull it around back.”

“I still have school-“ you started, but Henry clamped his hand over your mouth and stared at you. With a curt nod, he let go of your mouth and unlocked the door for the two boys.

“Think of something you want to do and we’ll go do it. Today’s all about you.” Vic smiled at you and you couldn’t help but smile back, kissing his lips softly before Belch kissed to you too and they left the restroom.

Henry and Patrick were quiet- too quiet for your liking. “You’re gonna stay with this bean pole here from now on.” Henry sighed, realizing that you had no where to go now that your father had been booked. Vic and Belch had a stricter household and they didn’t necessarily like the idea of you being anywhere near their family; and Henry knew his father would kill him for letting you live with him. Patrick was the only option- as much as they all hated it.

Your eyes widened and you glared at Patrick who was smiling like a schoolgirl who had a crush- a crazy one at that. “Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you or try anything unless we tell him too. Right Hockstetter?”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” He rolled his eyes, pushing back his black tresses with his hands. You weren’t convinced.

“This is only temporary until we can all find a way to stay together. You’re our girl, (Y/N), we can’t let you get treated like that again.” Henry continued.

“Yeah, and there will certainly be no more people touching you like he did unless it’s us.” Patrick said matter-of-factly.

You couldn’t help but smile and laugh at the two. “What’s so fucking funny?” Henry scoffed, marching over towards you, standing until he was nose to nose with you.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you two are actually being nice- and are actually caring about me for once.” You smirked, enjoying how Henry could get flustered so easily.

“We’ve always cared. We just have interesting ways of showing it.” Henry mumbled, his breath fanning across your lips.

“I wouldn’t consider you moving in with me a ‘nice’ thing sweetheart.” Patrick said mockingly, walking towards you, pulling you away from Henry and kissing you on the lips heatedly. “See you two in the car.” He chuckled, giving you a creepy stare before leaving the bathroom.

“On second thought, maybe Vic or Belch could make room for you.” Henry tried to hide his smile but failed when you just shook your head and kissed him.

Maybe everything was going to be alright after all.

[tylerseguin]

quarter past midnight: chapters 2 & 3

CHAPTER 1: [X]

Pairing: Tyler Seguin x Reader

Characters: Tyler Seguin, Jamie Benn, John Klinberg, Katie Hoaldrige & Reader

Summary:  You and Jamie have been best friends forever and you have one very important rule: we don't date each other's family members. For most of your life, that's not a problem but after having been gone for a couple years, you come back to Toronto and suddenly, something starts to happen between you and Jamie's cousin, Tyler. This could potentially screw up your most important friendship but there's just something about Tyler Seguin that drives you crazy.

Warning: There’s gonna be smut, eventually but it’s safe now.

Notes:  I definitely was inspired by The Kissing Booth movie so you'll 100% see some references to that.

You can also read it on Ao3

Chapter 2 & 3 summaries: You go over to Jamie and Tyler's for the first time since you moved back and Tyler dares to stroll half naked in his own apartment. Rude. Oh and then you go brunch with Jamie and the mention of a party is brought up.

Chapter 2

You'd arrived to your parents house two days ago, had spent the whole day setting up your room yesterday and finally, you were able to visit Jamie today. He'd been working the past couple days and so, hadn't been able to come help you out but it was Saturday now. That meant you had the whole weekend to spend with him. Maybe you wouldn't be moving in with him but you had every intention of spending most of your weekends there. That was something you were comfortable doing. You'd thrown a couple of articles of clothing and a toothbrush in a backpack and drove to Jamie's. It was 11am and you knew he was awake. The both of you were so excited to see each other. It had been about a month since the last visit but that was only because you were so busy with finals, there was no point in him visiting you. So, naturally, you were beaming and couldn't wait to get there. You even stopped at Starbucks to get you both some coffee. The plan was to hang out a bit at his place and then go out for brunch but coffee was always necessary to start your day. Even if you'd get unlimited refills at the restaurant, you needed an iced latte to drink before you even got there.

You knocked twice at the door and then simply walked in. You'd been to Jamie's apartment before - just never when Tyler lived here - but you weren't thinking about the other roommate. Besides, it was just a thing you two did no matter where you were. At each other's parents' house, at your old dorm, at his apartment, wherever. "I'm here!" You called out, carrying the two drinks into the living room. You barely had time to put them down on the coffee table when you heard someone run towards you. "Jamie!" You squealed, turning back in time to be pulled into some strong arms and twirled around. He could lift you up and carry you around just like that. Sometimes, it made you freak out a little but you knew he could handle it. Besides, you just wanted to get one of those famous Jamie hugs. He basically wrapped his whole body around you and made you feel so safe, so at home. There was a huge grin on your face when he put you back down onto the ground. "A month apart is way too long. We're never doing that again. Ever." He told you sternly and you nodded. "Yes, sir." You teased. "Ugh, I'm so happy to be back. Please remind me of that when I start complaining about being back at my parents' place." Jamie smiled softly at you and squeezed your shoulders. "Hey, remember what I said. You can crash here any-" He started saying but you waved him off. "Don't even think about it. I'm not moving in with two...boys." You wrinkled your nose as you looked over the messy state of their apartment. "Oh, shut up. It's not that bad." Jamie laughed.

"Yeah, okay. Sure." You rolled your eyes and pushed at his chest. "Go! Get ready so we can get some brunch, I'm starving!" You two were planning on hanging out here for a little bit but honestly, their apartment really did need a good cleaning. You'd much rather go out than stay in here. Walking over a pair of socks and pushing aside a dirty tshirt on the couch, you sat down and grabbed your Starbucks. You sipped on it while playing on your phone. You'd already seen everything on your Instagram feed but there was nothing else to do while you waited. Jamie was in the bathroom getting dressed or fixing his hair, you didn't really know but you hoped he'd be quick. So, when a door opened, your head quickly snapped up and was ready to go but it wasn't Jamie. It was a very shirtless Tyler Seguin in only a thin pair of boxer briefs. Your heart dropped and you were honestly not sure if your jaw had followed. All you knew was that you were eye fucking his body hardcore. You'd looked him over before, sure, but never this intensely and obviously. He just walked straight out of his room and to the bathroom door. "Yo Jamie." He banged on the door. "Hurry up." Your eyes had followed him, now taking in his back muscles down to his ass. When the fuck had he gotten this hot? Well, he'd always been good looking and you'd drooled over him time and time again but there was a sudden hunger inside you. You'd never wanted to drag him into bed before but it was definitely something you were experiencing now.

Had he seen you check him out? He'd just strolled so casually in his half-naked glory, not pausing once. Wait, did he even see you? Hopefully, he hadn't because you really didn't need...fuck. Tyler looked over his shoulder and winked at you, making it clear that he knew exactly what was going on in your head. "Hey you, long time no see." He said in his damn seductive voice or maybe that was just his normal voice. Shit. You blushed furiously, frowned and looked back down to your phone as if anything could be more interesting than his body. The image of him in those thin underwear would forever be in your mind and you had absolutely no problem with that. He may be off limits in reality but Jamie never said you couldn't be all over him in your fantasies. "Go put some pants on, Tyler." You groaned, acting childish and pretending to be grossed out by his delicious looking body. "Aw, but I like making you drool. It's cute." He retorted and you looked up, gasping in shock and threw the nearest sofa cushion in his direction. He laughed, successfully catching it as the door opened. Jamie strolled out, staring at the two of you in confusion but brushed it off immediately. "Ready?" He asked you and you immediately jumped up to your feet. "Absolutely. Let's go." You grabbed his Starbucks and handed it to him on your way out...but not before looking back one more time at Tyler, resting against the bathroom door with an amused smirk on his lips.

Chapter 3

"So, Ty and I are planning to have a party at our place next Friday." He told you as he shoved some eggs in his mouth. The mention of his cousin's name got you out of your daydream. "Hm? Oh yeah?" You hummed, zoning back into the conversation. What about Tyler? Damn, seeing him earlier had really done something to you. To be fair, it probably had to do with the fact that you hadn't gotten laid in almost a year. You had a boyfriend for a short while back in Montreal but school had completely consumed your life. That relationship easily fell apart and you hadn't bothered finding another guy, not even for a one night stand. So, yeah. Seeing a man look so good in his boxers had awakened your sex drive for the first time in what felt like forever. "Are you even paying attention to anything I'm saying?" Jamie teased you and gently kicked your shin under the table. You rolled your eyes and kicked him back. "Yes, I am. I heard what you said, you're having a party on Friday." You repeated, kind of surprised that you'd even registered that but were pleased with yourself. You did feel a little bad because you'd been distracted ever since you left the apartment earlier and hadn't been paying much attention to Jamie but you would now.

You grabbed the maple syrup and started pouring it all over your pancakes before speaking. "Am I invited to this party?" You asked with a teasing smirk, knowing very well that he would never not invite you somewhere. Hell, Jamie would probably invite you to third wheel one of his dates if he knew you had nothing to do. That was just the kind of friendship you guys had. Everything was out in the open, except for these dirty thoughts you were currently having about his cousin. It was his turn to roll his eyes. "Obviously, you idiot. Besides, I kind of need you to help me out with something..." Jamie began, not giving you the time to respond. "I know this is juvenile but I was wondering if you could invite Katie for me? The last time I saw her, it was on St-Patrick's day and I was so drunk. If you do it, she might actually show up and I can redeem myself somehow?" He grinned at you, one of those cheesy grins that always won you over. He was too adorable and you could never deny him anything. Jamie had always had a crush on Katie Hoaldridge but he was never able to talk to her. It was ridiculous considering how much of a handsome catch he was but he was also such a dork. Your dork of a best friend. So, you smile sweetly at him and nodded. "Of course, I will. I can even be your...wingwoman or whatever." As if you had any talent with that in the first place.

Jamie was laughing, clearly relieved. He really was throwing this party so that he could get a second chance at getting the girl of his dreams and you were so here for that. "You know, this is basically your welcome home party." He mentioned after taking another huge bite of his food. "Bullshit." You ripped off a piece of toast and threw it at him. "This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Katie Hoaldridge. I'm just a simple pawn in this whole masterplan." Jamie took the toast and popped it in his mouth, smiling all goofy. "Okay, maybe but more people will show up if we label it as such, though..." You had been cutting your pancakes and suddenly paused when he said that. "Oh, come on. I've been gone for, like, 9 years. Who would remember me or want to come to a party for me?" You asked seriously before taking a bite of your pancakes. You'd had a lot of friends in high school, sure, but you'd stopped talking to everyone after one or two years in Montreal. You didn't actually think anyone still considered you as their friend anyway. "Well..." He began. "Some of guys have been mentioning you to me. You remember Klingberg?" You frowned in confusion. "I mean, I remember him but why would he mention me?" You asked, reaching for your coffee. This conversation had taken quite a turn.

"C'mon, we post pictures of us on Facebook all the time and you haven't unfriended him. He sees you on there and he thinks you're hot." Jamie waggled his eyebrows at you. That was a good thing about your friendship. Even though he was a guy and was basically your brother, he never got overprotective and got in the way of you dating guys. Instead, he was usually the one encouraging you and introducing you to people. "Wow..." You made a face, thinking this through. "John Klingberg, huh?" He wasn't anything like Tyler but since you couldn't act on your sexual frustrations with him, you might as well find someone else to hook up with. Your best friend was staring at you with an excited look, desperately wanting to help you out with your dating life. "Alright, fine." You sighed, giving into him. "You can tell him to go for it." You chuckled and continued eating your food. So, friday night was going to be a very interesting one, to say the least. You had no idea what to expect but you couldn't say that you weren't looking forward to it. You definitely needed a good party, some booze and maybe even some sex.          

[to be continued]

[junker-town]

Patrick Mahomes is the NBA Jam-style winner of NFL Week 2 so far

Photo by Daniel Shirey/Getty Images

Mahomes needed one quarter to dismantle the Raiders. And the Bears kicker ... did something good?

Week 1 of the NFL season began with the Packers and Bears grinding their way through a swamp and ended, for East Coasters at least, with the Texans and Saints giving the world a Game of the Year contender on Monday night. Week 2 carried that momentum into a Thursday night NFC South showdown that wasn’t especially well played, but still managed to deliver a win for the Buccaneers that literally none of us at SB Nation saw coming.

That set the tone for an uneven, but occasionally exciting, second Sunday in 2019. The Packers sprinted out to a 21-0 lead against the Vikings to look like NFC North favorites, then held on for dear life as Kirk Cousins backed his way into 16 straight points before crumbling into dust. The Bills improved to 2-0 by dispatching the Giants, with Josh Allen looking more than competent in victory.

And the Dolphins gave up more yards on pick-sixes (picks-six?) than they gained in their first three quarters against the Patriots, 123-37.

But while Green Bay, Buffalo, and New England were victorious in box scores, this week’s slate of winners extends beyond the final score. So who won the week? It wasn’t:

Not considered: the Pittsburgh Steelers

The 2017 Pittsburgh Steelers offense, who made it to the AFC title game:

QB: Ben Roethlisberger RB1: Le’Veon Bell RB2: James Conner WR1: Antonio Brown WR2: JuJu Smith-Schuster

The 2019 Pittsburgh Steelers offense in the fourth quarter of Sunday’s home loss to the Seahawks:

QB: Mason Rudolph RB1: Jaylen Samuels RB2: Benny Snell WR1: JuJu Smith-Schuster WR2: James Washington

That 2017 offense gained 5.8 yards per play and 378 per game. Against the Seahawks, who were last seen allowing Andy Dalton to throw for a league-high 413 yards in Week 1, the 2019 version gained 261 yards — a 5.1 per-play average. Bell and Brown are both gone, and it’s not yet clear how much time Roethlisberger or Conner will miss. If their replacements can’t stand up soon, ‘19 could mark the second-straight season Pittsburgh watches the playoffs from home.

Here are this week’s winners so far

9. Aaron Rodgers’ wristband playlist

Rodgers’ forearms were naked in his opening night slog over the Bears, just like they’d been throughout a storied 15-year NFL career. He didn’t need to look up the plays coming in through his headset, he’d memorized Mike McCarthy’s uncomplicated playbook by heart.

But 2019, after McCarthy’s ouster, was different. Rodgers made headlines at practice leading up to Week 2 when he was caught sporting a playbook cheat sheet above his non-throwing list. This made it easy to translate first-year head coach Matt LaFleur’s calls into on-field action, and it got moved into his gameday wardrobe. Despite this being an extremely freshman football move, its impact was significant.

He marched his first two drives down the Vikings’ throats for a pair of Packer touchdowns, throwing for 119 yards and two scores in the process. This wasn’t sustainable — Minnesota’s stout defense adjusted in time to limit his impact — but for 16 minutes Sunday, Rodgers looked like the man who’d won two regular season MVPs. More importantly, that fleeting explosion and Green Bay’s upgraded defense were enough to push the Packers to 2-0 on the season with a pair of important wins over division rivals.

8. Jamie Gillan, who went from undrafted free agent to shirt haver

Gillan is already a legend for having an absolutely insane journey from Scottish Highlands rugby player to unlikely scholarship specialist at Arkansas Pine-Bluff to, now, Cleveland Browns punter. The well-traveled specialist only needed one NFL game (and a 46.6 yards-per-punt average) before getting his own official shirt.

Excited to have partnered with @scottishhammer7 for our Official Scottish Hammer T-Shirt! Even better- he will be donating proceeds to the Wounded Warriors project! #brownshttps://t.co/v5FffnVEzw pic.twitter.com/etu3hHKB8k

— Szabo Apparel (@SzaboApparel) September 14, 2019

Gillan, the son of an armed forces member, will be donating his proceeds from sales of the shirt to the Wounded Warriors Project. This guy, and his shirt, rules.

7. Phillip Dorsett, who refuses to get lost in the Patriots’ newfound wealth of receivers

Dorsett came into the Patriots’ 2019 preseason as the team’s No. 2 receiver, behind only Julian Edelman. Then New England got Josh Gordon back from his indefinite suspension and signed Antonio Brown, leaving the former first-round pick’s place in the lineup in question.

Over the past two weeks, he’s answered that question. He belongs somewhere near the top of Tom Brady’s wishlist. Here he is replacing Rob Gronkowski as Brady’s safety blanket on third-and-long.

3rd-and-17: A diving 18-yard catch by PD-13: #GoPats | #NEvsMIA pic.twitter.com/QyKQRzol2E

— New England Patriots (@Patriots) September 15, 2019

And here he is catching an ambulance pass and showing off the wherewithal to avoid getting destroyed by the Dolphins secondary after stretching out:

@Dorsett_4#GoPats | #NEvsMIA pic.twitter.com/ww9SQtOyAj

— New England Patriots (@Patriots) September 15, 2019

Dorsett only had three catches for 39 yards on a day where no Patriot had more than 60 receiving yards. He’s not a guy who’ll get Pro Bowl consideration, but he makes the New England passing offense considerably more dangerous by doing so many little things right.

6. Lamar Jackson, who is still a quarterback and still belongs on this list

Jackson’s appeared in this feature three times in six weeks. He’s very good. In Sunday’s win over the Cardinals he threw for 274 yards and ran for 120 more.

WHAT ❗️❗️@Lj_era8 to @Primetime_jet for 41 yards❗️❗️ pic.twitter.com/vgbZDHLLwB

— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) September 15, 2019

That’s one hell of a throw for a running back.

5. Cooper Kupp, who did this to the Saints

Kupp missed half of 2018 with a torn ACL. I’m no doctor, but I believe he’s back to full strength.

We've missed you @CooperKupp! pic.twitter.com/QS44q55Zki

— Los Angeles Rams (@RamsNFL) September 15, 2019

Kupp only had two catches against the Saints’ versatile secondary, but he made the second one count. While the original call of a touchdown was overturned, the third-year wideout’s big gain effectively put away a Saints team that struggled without Drew Brees.

4. Todd Bowles’ defense, which made us all* look stupid

Bowles’ tenure in New York ended with three straight losing seasons, but the former Jets head coach and current Buccaneers defensive coordinator showcased his gridiron acumen by shutting down the Panthers on Thursday night. Tampa Bay held Cam Newton to 25 completions on 51 pass attempts and limited Christian McCaffrey to 37 rushing yards on 21 carries in its first victory of 2019.

No stop was more important than the Bucs’ final one. Bruce Arians’ last-minute brain fart and back-to-back timeouts led to a delay of game penalty that turned Carolina’s last gasp fourth-and-2 attempt to 4th-and-0.5, but Bowles’ unit was up to the task.

PRIMETIME PLAYERS MAKE PRIMETIME PLAYS#GoBucs | #TBvsCAR pic.twitter.com/r8mfOdIJid

— Tampa Bay Buccaneers (@Buccaneers) September 13, 2019

How’s Bowles doing it? He’s turning his team’s developing players into stars. Shaquil Barrett played the game of his life, setting career highs with three sacks and four QB hits. Vita Vea was a mountain in the middle, making four stops and proving immovable for a shaky Carolina offensive line. Vernon Hargreaves was everywhere those two weren’t and some places they were, shutting down the Panthers with a dozen tackles and a pass defensed.

If the Bucs’ defense can play like this every week, they’ll never be out of a game.

*No, not you, intrepid Tampa fan. You knew all along and I was wrong to ever doubt you.

3. Mike Vrabel, the master of the big man touchdown

Vrabel knows a little something about getting into the end zone despite not being a skill player. He accounted for 10 receptions in 14 NFL seasons as a linebacker — all of which ended in touchdowns. On Sunday, his Titans snuck reserve tackle David Quessenberry through the line and into the end zone to catch a one-yard strike from Marcus Mariota.

Draw it up, Arthur Smith! Goal line TD for offensive lineman David Quessenberry. #INDvsTEN pic.twitter.com/hlCGIvsww8

— Tennessee Titans (@Titans) September 15, 2019

That’s great. You know what’s even better? The fact Quessenberry BEAT CANCER to get here. He fought off non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma from 2014 to 2016, then bounced around the Texans and Titans practice squads before finally getting his moment to shine in Nashville Sunday.

2. The Bears’ kicking game, somehow

I’m as shocked as you are.

pssssht Bears kicke--wait, what? pic.twitter.com/XyCiJ1TI83

— Christian D'Andrea (@TrainIsland) September 15, 2019

Eddy Pineiro was perfect on the day, kicking three field goals and adding an extra point. And that’s how the Bears won a game where their quarterback threw for 4.4 yards per attempt.

1. Patrick Mahomes, who got some kind of video game powerup in Oakland

The Raiders made the world briefly question the Chiefs’ dominance by taking a 10-0 lead early in the first quarter Sunday. Any comeback Kansas City could make would have to come without the team’s lead wideout Tyreek Hill and a suspect tailback rotation. And then Patrick Mahomes unleashed this second quarter:

19 passes, 286 yards, four touchdowns.

Mahomes uncorked scoring plays of 44, 42, 27, and 35 yards to Demarcus Robinson (twice), Mecole Hardman, and Travis Kelce. His last six passes of the first half ALL went for 22 yards or more. This was very nearly history.

Patrick Mahomes threw for 278 yards in the 2nd quarter, the 2nd-most in a single quarter over the last 40 seasons (Drew Brees had 294 in a quarter in 2008). h/t @EliasSports pic.twitter.com/shQXQzxz9O

— ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) September 15, 2019

That was all the Chiefs needed. Those 28 points were all they scored in an 18-point win.

[junker-town]

These 2 plays show why you can’t judge Russell Westbrook without proper context

The Thunder and Rockets ran plays that were mirror images of each other with vastly different results. Is it fair to blame or credit their superstars for that?

Before the NBA playoffs began, I listed 31 set plays and player quirks that these 16 teams use that you need to look closely to discover. Call them the Easter Eggs or the cheat sheet of the NBA Playoffs. Click the link to learn more about them. Each night, I’ll round up examples of those 31 set plays and examples of other fun plays or player quirks that you may have missed.

PREVIOUSLY: April 15-16 | April 17 | April 18

This edition of the Cheat Sheet features fewer cool plays because our three playoff games were a foul-drawing debacle, a fourth-quarter brick fest, and a blowout. But I do want to touch on back-to-back possessions that illustrate the complexity of analyzing Russell Westbrook and James Harden independent of their teams.

Also in this piece: the only two cool plays in Wizards-Hawks, the Warriors’ random screens, and the Blazers forgetting an obvious lesson from the first Easter Egg list. As a reminder: if you saw any other cool plays not mentioned here that you wanna appreciate, drop them in the comments.

1. The ultimate Russ vs. Harden test

There’s no easy way to figure out whether Westbrook’s shot-jacking is due to his selfish nature or the lack of options on his team. The answer is a little of both — and even that is unnecessarily simple.

To illustrate how difficult it is to come to a clear answer on the subject, consider these back-to-back possessions in crunch time.

These are incredibly similar plays that ended in completely different ways. Westbrook forced a tough shot that missed, while the Rockets got Patrick Beverley open for a critical corner three.

The primary action in the play is almost the same. In both cases, the star player ran off a staggered double ball screen going to their left.

One subtle difference: Trevor Ariza is stationed on the opposite wing, whereas Andre Roberson is in the same corner as Westbrook is driving. Already, that’s a critical marker differentiating these teams. If Roberson could actually shoot the ball, he’d be in Ariza’s spot, which would give Westbrook more space. It’s hard to blame Westbrook for that.

Still, the two sets are nearly identical. What happens thereafter is not.

Here is what the Thunder’s spacing looks like as Russ runs off the picks:

And here is the Rockets’ spacing as Harden comes off the screens:

The other four Thunder players aren’t giving Westbrook any choices, whereas the Rockets have a beautifully spaced floor with plenty of outlets. At the same time, Harden is picking up his dribble and making an immediate decision to trust another teammate, whereas Westbrook doesn’t even think about passing.

Does the Thunder possession devolve that way because the Thunder have no shooting, or because the other four Thunder players know that Westbrook isn’t passing anyway and there’s no point in trying to get open? Is Houston aligning itself that way because they have the shooting to do it, or because they know Harden is more willing to actually find teammates in crunch time? The answer is a little bit of both in each case.

Let’s fast-forward a beat to illustrate this conundrum further.

Harden knows that he can throw the ball to Gordon and he can still be a threat from way out there. That makes the decision to give it up simpler. On the other hand...

... Russ could easily pass to Oladipo and trust him to cycle into a secondary action, but he’s not the threat Gordon is and the other side of the court is clogged. What do you do?

In Westbrook’s case, the answer is to drive into traffic and launch an awful shot with all five Rockets watching him.

In Harden’s case, it’s to enjoy Gordon driving and kicking to an open Beverley. The floor is spaced beautifully, so as Steven Adams helps on Gordon, Westbrook must help the helper and pick up Nene. The Thunder can’t cover anyone, hence the dagger.

Retracing the steps that ended in those two vastly different possessions off the same kind of play would take months and has no easy answers. Would Thunder players be more ready to make a play if they knew their star would actually pass to them? Or, would Harden flail his way into an awful shot without the lubrication of the Rockets’ pristine spacing?

By the same token, would Rockets players have less urgency to space the floor properly if they figured their star was just going to shoot anyway? Or, would Westbrook be more willing to make the cerebral play if he had teammates he could trust offensively?

Basketball is complicated. That’s why we love this sport.

2. The Bradley Beal dagger

The best plays are tweaks on existing sets that the opponent has seen a thousand times. The Wizards put away the Hawks by lulling them into thinking they were running their classic kill-the-clock set when they really wanted to run something else.

To the naked eye, this looks like the Wizards setting up for Markieff Morris to set a last-second ball screen for John Wall. Instead, the Wizards planned to sneak Bradley Beal off a Marcin Gortat screen for a 3. The Hawks were confused and Beal nailed the dagger.

Terrific stuff from Scott Brooks.

3. Atlanta’s nifty after-timeout trick

Speaking of tweaks on existing sets the opponent has seen a thousand times, this was a great after-timeout set by Mike Budenholzer.

It was the only pretty thing they did all game.

4. Steph Curry’s random screens

We talked about great shooters also being great screen setters with Kyle Korver the other day. The reason is simple: navigating a screen often requires a split second of help from the screeners man, but because nobody wants to leave great shooters, that split second either doesn’t exist or needs to be condensed.

That’s why Stephen Curry is the master. Teams flock to Curry like a magnet, so when he screens for a teammate, it’s like giving that player an open runway. Watch him spring Klay Thompson on this transition sequence.

Thompson got the assist and McGee got the bucket, but the only reason they were open is because of Curry’s little rub screen. That’s his shadow impact.

5. The Blazers forgot about the JaVale lob

From the original Easter Egg piece:

Every time JaVale McGee enters the game, get ready for this set play.

The Warriors run a screen and roll, toss the ball to the other big man in the post and watch him immediately flip a backdoor lob high in the air for McGee to go get it.

And yet, the Blazers forgot.

You've got to pay attention to the sets the Warriors run out of time outs. Things of beauty http://pic.twitter.com/sWb4JT2LEx

— BBALLBREAKDOWN (@bballbreakdown) April 20, 2017

No. 19 on @MikePradaSBN's list:https://t.co/0dBqrcvemH https://t.co/v5HpYTvKdu

— TwoWayGame (@TwoWayGame) April 20, 2017

Oops.