#i know hmm why exactly i'm like this rn n i don't care enough anymore to rlly write about it anymore
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random thought usually i kin characters that i love the most or characters i rather hate in a way (hate is too strong of a word though hmm)
#i usually don't exactly share things outright or directly abt myself to others. if you go out of your way to do so or analyze me you're#always welcome to do so ngl that intrigues me a lot. i do that w others often n the idea of the same happening to me just feels too foreign#i know hmm why exactly i'm like this rn n i don't care enough anymore to rlly write about it anymore#each time i think i write too much or say too much that's usually when i get worse n worse#earlier this year this summer when i was doing pretty well but then.. 'i talk too much'#n then part of me just disappeared since then#it hurts when it always feels like a part of me is just always hidden in a way. not that it's my intention bcs#i really want to just be myself n be authentic or wtvr but#this.. loneliness that has always been with me that i#hmm. thinking abt it n i haven't had any good dreams lately huh. despite sleeping early i still haven't rlly slept well#n the real world feels like a dream too. n then#this emptiness that's just always there despite all the things that have made me happy lately. it all feels like a dream#the past feels so far away. the sight of the stars the dawn on the horizon. the clouds yonder over the beach#all of it slipping out of my reach. the chill breeze hugging me n how free i felt in all those moments#reaching out.. reaching out wld leave me be to either fall or drown#in a literal sense n. also metaphorically#in hesitance for either outcome. perhaps everything's just taken away by the wind instead.#every trace taken away by the rain that floods my mind?#dunno what i'm writing. i just can't feel that i'm.. living properly. despite all of this#that disconnection or wtvr along w the regret n guilt n wtvr that just. piled up or wtvr#i lost a part of me that night. all these reflections confuse me so much n just warp my mind to other worlds#dilemmas so many dilemmas n these thoughts n emotions just contradict so painfully n#i'm fine. but. i don't want to forsake my progress or my younger n future self n#who am i? what do i want? why can't i.. reach out? incompetence on so many levels it gets hard to hold unto myself#but still i'll hope i guess. still dream n wish n write. but i'm just losing my energy n motivation to connect w reality#i'm sorry. for everything. so much i can't write.. but everything's crammed in my head or smth. but i'll be fine i'm fine#this is my fault. i'll do this on my own. i'm sorry#it's so confusing bcs i love myself more than i hate myself n i know what i need n should do but. yeah#i'll be fine eventually. with wtvr i'll do n wtvr pain so long as i still live even if i lose hope so long as i hold unto tomorrow..#i'm too tired to reach out for others n for myself anymore. i'm sorry. i'll be fine though i'll just think of other stuff for now
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