#i know i’m healing bc my first thought wasn’t spn

[sorrycas]

TW suicide

hi guys, didn't think I'd post anything on here again but I didn't wanna just dissappear and I thought maybe typing this out might help so I'm gonna have a wee rant

Almost 2 years ago I got my best friend in the entire world into supernatural. He wasn't my best friend to start with, I don't really have a lot of friends never mind a best one but he was my boyfriends best friend and in a very short period of time became my best friend too, bc of spn. He started watching it so we would have something to talk about and because he knew how much it meant to me and with the announcement of S15 being the last season I was blindsided and nostalgic so started speaking a lot about it. He watched seasons 1-14 in a matter of months so when S15 started airing we could watch together and I wouldn't have to go through the end of something that meant so much to me on my own.

Some of the best memories I'll ever have come from going upstairs at 1am in my pjs (he lived on the floor above me) with my laptop so we could hook it up to his TV and watch the episodes live to avoid spoilers. We sat on his couch and we laughed, we screamed, we cried. I'll never forget the experience of watching 15x18, I'm so glad I got to share it with him. A lot of my favourite memories of us exist around spn and sitting on his couch.

Two months ago I found him dead on that couch. Losing your best friend is fucking gutting. Finding him, having to live with being so close but too late is unbearable. I don't know how I'll ever cope with that. I hope I'm stronger than I think.

My sister bought me a Samulet for my 13th birthday. For 10 years I've worn it, almost every day of my life for a decade. In less than a month it'll be buried in a box with my best friends ashes. As I take it off I'll think of Drew, I'll think of what it means to me, to our friendship. I'll think of the couch, I'll think of laughing so hard at the bad storylines until I cried, I'll think of crying so hard until he'd make me laugh. I'll think of us sending each other storyline theories and how they were always wrong but better than the ones the show used. I'll think of friendship and love and how I know first hand that family don't end with blood.

I don't feel sad about it, this feels right. It's the end of this chapter. I hope the next one is good.

I'm writing all this out bc it's the end of the line for me and spn. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch more than a few eps since Nov and now I don't think I ever will. Spn was our thing, even though I watched it for over a decade on my own, in such a sort period of time it became OUR thing. I wouldn't change that for the world and I'm so glad we had it for the time we did, but now the shows over, Dean's gone, Drew's gone and the couch is in a charity shop. It's doesn't feel right. I don't think it ever will. I can't come on here without getting upset or feeling angry and I know that's not healthy. So I'm signing off and I'm saying goodbye to spn. A dumb little show that got me through what I once thought to be the toughest time in my life, a show that I've cherished for over a decade, a show that gave me the best friend I'll ever have, a show that I have to let go now to start healing.

why does this sound like a goodbye? because it is. i love you

[deanirae]

this is awkward but i need your help

I feel extremely weird doing this but it seems that I have no other way to sort things out unless a miracle anvil falls on my head and puts me out of my misery. I have to ask for help because my dad is poor as hell too and my country’s Healthcare system only makes sense in theory and sadly things are worse than i thought they would get.

I’m Sara, 27, and I was born with cerebral palsy that affects the right side of my body, rendering it more of an ornament than limbs i could use the way most people do. Until recently I managed quite well in day to day functioning, putting all the stress and work on my left side limbs.

In december 2016, on my way from my amazing minimum wage job, i got hit by a car, unfortunately on my left side. In the following months, until basically just now, there were wrong diagnoses involved. My left ankle was sprained and broken, my spine got injured and i also had a broken elbow. Plus a ripped forehead, minor head injury and general long lasting pain from the impacts.

Or at least, that was what the doctor thought bc he wouldn’t listen to me complaining that the arm (and back and leg too but those aren’t even treatable) keeps getting worse even when i try to do the most mundane stuff. „The bone healed, u just in pain bc u fat, stop bein fat,” he kept saying. But I wouldn’t stop complaining bc the pain im experiencing every waking hour never goes away and sometimes it’s so bad i can’t compare it with anything and hey i used to write for a living.

Recently he finally gave in and sent me to an EMG. Turns out I have two nerves damaged, one of them severely. I got even switched to opioids (tramadol). And I’m in need of further diagnostics tests and a surgery.

The Beautiful Polish Healthcare system wants me to wait 9 months to get the MRI i need if I sign up now and 6 years for the surgery in an okayish hospital. A year or two in a hospital that’s that kind of a spot where you go to die. And even there they aren’t sure how long because 1) they have contract issues and just don’t know when they can do a surgery 2) I’d have to wait months to have their doctor see me and tell if they even do that kind of a surgery.

I don’t have that kind of time. Basic tasks are taking a toll on me, my boss decided to get rid of me behind my back and he purposely makes things harder. In my current state I can’t even try to find a job anywhere. And I need to pay the bills like everyone else, I already kind of wasn’t getting by on the minimum wage.

The only thing that can potentially get me back on the job market soon (circa 2 months for the surgery, around 6 for rehabilitation knowing my luck) is getting the MRI and surgery done in private facilities. I need 450 zł for the MRI, 150 zł for the consultation with the clinic’s doctor and 2500 zł for the surgery itself, assuming they perform it there bc i need to get the MRI first to see if a more complicated and expensive treatment isn’t necessary.

That’s like 820 $ and I’m like Holy Crap because my monthly income is 388$, where 206$ is my bills alone so I got like 182$ to get food, medicine, stuff for home, transportation, anything. So it’s kind of astronomical for me. And if I get fired soon, I won’t even have that 388$.

I already have a 1143$ debt from few years back (i was jobless for months and had to pay for my living) I’m still not able to pay back. And I also still have 1265$ of the student’s loan left to pay which my dad is helping me with so it’s really hard for us.

So please, if you could help me raise the money for the arm surgery (820$/3100zł), I’d be grateful until the end of my days.  

I can’t offer anything in return now, but when i get better, I can promise you SPN fics based on your prompts. Here’s where you can find my stories to check my skills & style.

Here’s my paypal where you can help me.

You can also help me by reblogging this post :)).

Thank you in advance,

PS. If you need any proof im not making this story up for money, let me know and I’ll show you accident/treatment documentation or sth

- sari adri, the deanirae person

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 12x12 “Stuck In The Middle (With You)”

well THIS is some delightfully interesting bullshit right here

06:43

frankly i am not ready and i don’t think i will ever be ready

i saw some shit on instagram and i went from being “scared but interested” to HYPED and now i’m scared again

i just want cas to come out of this okay

like that’s what i’m here for, just cas being alive and loved (by dean. but also sam and mary)

-

06:48

*DEEP BREATHS*

-

06:50

mr ketch is definitely cute, in a murderous stephen fry kind of way

-

06:52

cas: “cheese isn’t a carbohydrate”

i guess cas read up on the ketchup vs vegetables debate

give me a nutritionist!cas au stat

-

06:54

cas: “sunrise special please”

CAS IS SUNSHINE

also flustered under mandy’s attention BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAS A BOYFRIEND

RIGHT

RIGHT???

-

06:55

guess sam’s magic wifi hair doesn’t work any more

-

06:56

what i have learned here is that dean is turned on by the smell of food

give me cas bathing himself in strawberry syrup before bed

-

06:57

obviously there’s something else going on but right now it kind of looks like mary’s uncomfortable with either a) using mandy as part of a plan, or b) dean instructing his boyfriend to go flirt with someone else

edit: probably more like uncomfortable that they’re trying to make cas flirt and not focusing on the issue at hand

-

06:59

CAS SNIFFING PEOPLE

OH GOD CAS YOU’RE SO INAPPROPRIATE AND SO UNAWARE OF IT

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

sidenote, cas was the only one who didn’t get screentime when mary asked if everyone understood the plan

-

07:01

DEAN: “MY SHY BUT DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME FRIEND”

OKAY THAT’S CANON

GUYS THAT JUST HAPPENED DEAN JUST DESCRIBED CAS AS DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME

CONTEXT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THOSE WORDS CAME OUT OF DEAN’S MOUTH

-

07:03

dean: “when do you get off?”

mandy: “whenever i can”

woooowwwww go mandy

also i’m so concerned for cas right now DID HE CONSENT TO BEING USED AS A HONEY TRAP I DON’T THINK SO

HE HASN’T SAID A WORD ON THIS

edit: mandy wasn’t even part of the plan ?? i’m ????

-

07:05

DID I JUST SEE A BLACK GUY DIE FIRST

///SQUINTS REALLY HARD

-

07:06

and then a white guy BUT THEN THE (asian? native american?) LADY

AAAND WE’RE BACK TO ZERO REPRESENTATION

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

ARE THEY ACTUALLY KIDDING LIKE

DO THEY EVEN SEE THE ISSUE

DOES ANYONE MAKING THIS SHOW EVEN REALISE WHAT THEY’RE DOING

fuck 

y’know i’m just gonna have to let this go right now because i can’t even comprehend how ferociously problematic this show is

i just wanna enjoy it for my fave characters and i can’t do that unless i bundle the problems into a box and forget about them for now

-

07:09

still thinking about it though

this is trump’s america, where problematic bad things happen so often and with zero time to process that you just get to the point where it’s like “oh great another social apocalypse, must be thursday”

-

07:12

“the wounded angel” // “earlier”

i feel like i’ve watched a movie like this (certainly a lot of tv show episodes clearly all based on the same source material)

pulp fiction or something idk

something bizarre and character-action-driven that doesn’t make a lot of sense until the end

-

07:14

AW MAN THAT SLOW MOTION WALKING SHOT IS GONNA MAKE A REALLY GOOD GIF

THANK YOU GABRIEL RICHARD SPEIGHT JR

-

07:20

IS THAT YELLOW EYES

WHAT

WHAT WHAT WHAT

-

07:21

nOOOOOO CAS 

NOBODY HARPOONS MY BABY AND LIVES

except dean, who stabbed him first, married him later

-

07:21

YYYEEEEEEE MARY SAVING CAS WITH THE CAR

-

07:23

and while mary and sam are talking about yellow-eyes, dean is smothering cas in kisses and magic healing tears, yes? yes

-

07:26

WOW WAS THAT FLIRTY LOOK DEAN GAVE DIRECTED AT CAS

I THINK SO

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE THO

-

07:26

i watched that bit again I THINK DEAN WAS SIGNALLING TO CAS THAT MANDY’S RESPONSE WAS A POSITIVE THING

aaaah the people who subtly and automatically support autistic friends are the best

also why is dean so determined to get cas to like other people?? CAN’T YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT CAS IS ALL YOURS AND WILL FOREVER BE YOURS

-

07:30

is this glowing yellow thing from the safe gonna be a hand of god or whatever

-

07:32

the men of letters are labelled as “hobbits” in mary’s phone

-

07:34

crowley arrives. “you idiots. you’re all going to die.”

@ people who voted for trump

-

07:35

mary: “touch me and i’ll kill you”

things everyone ought to say to crowley (and trump)

-

07:35

CROWLEY CALLED CAS FEATHERS

(quietly laughing bc bobby called cas that in my fic Lucid Nightmare which i posted yesterday cough cough shameless plug go read it if you haven’t already)

-

07:39

“name’s crowley, king of the crossroads”

DJFJGF THE CUCKOO IN THE BACKGROUND

(ba dum tiss)

-

07:43

ramiel (sp?) gives crowley the throne of hell

OH HEY LOOK AT THAT they just filled in a narrative gap that’s been empty for years

-

07:47

crowley: “hey, i was growing fond of the choirboy too”

was that a lowkey “cas is gay” joke??

-

mmmm yes give me dean so concerned about cas his voice goes all breathy

-

07:52

“three humans with one good liver between them, and a busted up angel”

:/

that team free will season 12 aesthetic

-

07:53

WHEN WILL THE WINCHESTERS STOP THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW

-

07:55

okay but cas grunting in pain is kind of sexy in a way god help me

my faves being sick and dying is okay so long as they pull through and someone Cares About Them a lot

-

07:57

“the things we’ve shared together, they’ve changed me”

cas looks at dean when he says “they’ve changed me”

;a;

-

07:58

“i love you”

i cry

i CRY

CAS

and THE FACT THE REACTION SHOT IS ONLY DEAN

WOW

thanks richard speight jr that decision was an a++ decision

-

the slow zoom in on dean

i’m sweating

and shaking

help

-

08:00

............i just realised i’m watching this under the assumption that cas is getting out of this alive

DEAR GOD IF HE DOESN’T MAKE IT

OH NO

OH NO WHAT IF HE DOESN’T

IS THIS GOOD STORYWRITING AND DIRECTING MAKING ME WORRY OR IS THERE ACTUALLY A DANGER THAT HE MIGHT NOT MAKE IT

SHIT I SHOULD’VE CHECKED TUMBLR FIRST

NOW I DON’T WANT TO

HE’D BETTER FUCKING MAKE IT

MY HEART IS POUNDING I’M SO SCARED

-

08:10

THERE’S 10 MINUTES OF THE EPISODE LEFT, THAT’S ENOUGH TIME TO SAVE HIM RIGHT

-

08:03

“LIKE YOU SAID, YOU’RE FAMILY. AND WE DON’T LEAVE FAMILY BEHIND”

that look dean and cas share, cas’ eyes are wet

THAT WAS DEAN SAYING “I LOVE YOU TOO”

OH GOD

-

08:03

THEY ALL LOVE CAS SO MUCH THIS IS SO SATISFYING

SO MANY YEARS WE’VE ALL BEEN SO FRUSTRATED WITH HOW THEY TREAT CAS 

THIS IS GOOD

BUT HE’D BETTER NOT FREAKING DIE

-

08:09

black goop again

SOMEONE’S GONNA HELP CAS RIGHT

LIKE HE’S GONNA BE FINE RIGHT

PLEASE

PLEASE

-

08:10

C

R

O

W

L

E

Y

-

like i never thought i’d say this but

thank you crowley

thank you so, so much

oh 

god

i’m

dying

thank

-

08:11

I DEMAND THAT DEAN SMOTHERS CAS IN KISSES RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

-

08:12

i just

i want dean to go up behind cas and softly press his cheek between cas’ shoulder blades and wrap his arms around cas’ waist and breathe in deeply

oh god i’m so relieved

i can’t imagine what dean’s feeling

soMEONE CUDDLE CAS OH GOD HE NEEDS SO MANY CUDDLES

-

08:14

OKAY BUT

I JUST REALISED

what the fuck was all the stuff with cas flirting with mandy about

dean saying he was looking for “teachable moments”

DEAN YOU CAN’T TEACH CAS TO LIKE GIRLS

HE LIKES YOU, YOU HOPELESS LITTLE SHIT

i guess maybe that was the point of this narrative, cas will always choose team free will, dean pretends cas isn’t in love but GODDAMN HE IS

edit: or maybe dean’s not actually trying to make cas interested, he’s legit just trying to teach cas how flirting works, and what a positive response is?? and mandy just happened to be there and flirty. i mean, sure, i’ll go with that. quick question though, why didn’t dean just flirt with cas himself, like in all the fanfics, that would be better

-

08:16

mr ketch is kinda crosseyed

cute

-

08:17

CAS IS ONE OF MARY’S BOYS

HALLELUJAH

-

08:18

mr ketch is so fluffy-haired and cute i don’t know what to do

i hate him

but he’s smol

idk idk idk

-

08:19

wait wait it’s the colt

where was the colt supposed to be

heck

-

08:19

(real life interrupts)

ooh there’s lightning outside!! eee

the power may go out at any moment though, that’s the downside

IT’S MEANT TO BE SUMMER and all we’ve had is rain

(okay back to the show)

-

08:21

is that pellegrino!lucifer, i recognise the voice

-

08:22

yes it is

WELL THEN

-

08:22

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOY

where to start

that was.... a lot of stuff

firsTLY CAS MADE IT OUT ALIVE AND EVERYONE LOVES HIM AND HE LOVES HIS FAMILY I’M SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS YOU HAVE NO IDEA (actually no you probably know exactly how happy i am. if you’re reading this, you probably agree)

BUT LIKE

WOW THIS SHOW NEEDS A SELF-REVIEW ON NOT KILLING CHARACTERS OF COLOUR

mandy made it out alive, and she had a name, a speaking part, and a character, so that’s +1 for everything

BUT... look i don’t think i even need to say it again, it’s a Problem

(my thoughts: here, and here)

i’ve never watched any other show with such a huge fucking issue with this

that aside, i think i just need to mostly ignore that specific problem until they fix it, because if i just focus on the bad shit i’m never gonna wanna watch the show again, and the characters are really important to me so i’ll come back anyway

LET’S FOCUS ON HOW INTERESTING THIS EPISODE WAS

and how well-formed and well-paced it was

AND HOW CAS DIDN’T FUCKING DIE HORRIBLY

and how i was actually legit terrified for a couple minutes

physically sweating with heart pounding

that was cool

9/10 probably

still confused about mandy and cas, that wasn’t necessary. same with dean and the lady in the bar last episode. as much as i’d love to see the “i love yous” in this episode as romantic between dean and cas, they clearly were only meant to be 50% romantic, interpreted whichever way the viewer prefers. so the showrunners are maybe adding in sidenote heterosexual elements that objectively mean nothing, but for those who like to see tfw as HetroStraight (TM), the info is just... there. but it’s not possible eradicate the bisexual/demi-asexual loVEFEST THAT’S BEEN BREWING FOR 9 YEARS THAT’S DEFINITELY THERE AND IS DEFINITELY ROMANTIC AND HAS BEEN ALL ALONG AND WILL ALWAYS BE, DESPITE SNEAKY HALF/HALF MAKE-UP-YOUR-OWN-MIND DIRECTING AND SCRIPTING

to be fair though, i’m learning a lot about how creators get the best of both worlds. this is the Bipartisan TV Show. this is the same way donald fucking trump and kellyanne fucking conway and all the other politics snake people manage to fuck everyone over and not answer questions. they present both sides of the argument, each “fact” contradicting the other, and the viewer picks the one they agree with, and explain away the other argument however they like.

which, admittedly, i’m currently doing when it comes to seeing romantic destiel as ever-present, because it’s the only way this show doesn’t make me lose my shit all the time

but I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING, YOU PRIME BULLSHITTERS, YOU

I SEE YOU

I’M NOT HAPPY BUT I’M GONNA KEEP TORTURING MYSELF REGARDLESS BECAUSE YOU’RE PRETTY GOOD AT THIS ~ENTERTAINMENT~ BULLSHIT

BUT I’M TAKING NOTES