#i know i'm probably making a mountain out of an ant hill

[mcdonalds-unofficial]

@waffle-house-unofficial is also aroace

I know because it's me.

ooc (should use an emoji for this-): honestly didn't know this uhhhhhh yeah that makes it even weirder that some people are reblogging that poll trying to like- make a ship happen

i don't think i need to explain why it's weird to do that when one (or both) parties has expressed discomfort towards being shipped, even if you're being goofy about it

[mitamicah]

Some fun transmasc angst ahead /s to those who dare enter

Maybe I should've listen to the voice inside telling me that posting that last blog post to my diary blog was a mistake.

Honestly I am so very close to delete the post.

Everytime I see notes coming on it I feel worse.

I know that you are trying to help me, but it makes me feel quite bad.

Before I continue however let me say it once (and definitely not the last time)

It is not your fault.

Hearing people saying 'it is not that bad!' and 'I have had it worse!' or 'I'm a cis woman and it happened to me'... I understand it is meant to cheer me up. It is not.

Because then the voice inside me starts to whisper:

"See? You are pathetic! You are making mountain out of ant hills again! Your insecurities are so dang tiny, and so the only logical conclusion is that you are worthless for even thinking about them in the first place."

Don't get me wrong, I know this is not what you meant to say. And I understand where you are coming from. It might not look bad. I have come to realise that it is probably worse in my head. I am on my way to learn to live with it and hopefully starting to like it because what is the alternative really? Yet I'm still far from there so it haunts me at times thinking about how I've seen the spots get bigger and bigger day by day for three or four years and I have had days full of worry that my hair would fall out (my grandfather was bald at 25 so it is in my genetics) and what I'd do then as (I believed I was back then) cisgender woman!

Now I know I'm a transmasculine person and so baldness is not that big of a deal. Still this is a sore subject, so hearing you say it is nothing?

Again, I don't blame you. But at the same time I cannot control my feelings. Especially not gender dysphoria.

I admittedly half chose to start minoxidil to hopefully make these spots smaller - so who knows if they have actually closed up a bit since April where I began on the dosis. (I definitely know that I've gotten way more chin hairs and upper lip hairs since starting!)

And to the well meaning cisgender woman - you telling me, that you experience this as your gender is sadly not making things better; it reminds me that I am biologically closer to you than I am to a man. And so it only feeds my dysphoria.

I must sound like a broken record but I do not blame you, friends and random people I've never met. This is just one of my biggest bodily insecurities and it hurts hearing it being made out to be nothing. Because if I stress over nothing, am I worth anything myself?

This post is having no point other than have me write out my sadness so hopefully the few people bothering reading it is okay with me repeating myself and being a bit cry baby yet again. One would think I've grown out of my teenage vainness but jokes on me I guess.

[dukereviewsmovies]

Duke Reviews Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

Hi Everyone, I'm Andrew Leduc And Welcome To Duke Reviews Where Today We Finish Indiana Jones Month

As We Talk About The Fourth And Probably Not Final Indiana Jones Movie Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull...

This Film Has Indy Working With Mr. Do It...

To Find The Crystal Skull Of Akator Before Thor's Sister Does, Will They Succeed?

Let's Find Out As We Watch Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

We Open At A Facility That's Closed For Weapons Testing But Does That Stop Russian Agents From Breaking In? Of Course Not!...

And Who Is That They're Getting Out Of The Trunk Of Their Car? Why, It's Dr. Jones Himself Along With His Partner On This Trip, Mac...

They've Been Brought To This Facility By Irina Spalko Stalin's Head Of Psychic Reasearch Science Who's Been Leading Teams From The Kremlin All Over The World To Find Artifacts That May Have Paranormal Military Applications And By She Acts She Maybe Part Jedi Too...

Irina And Her Team Want Indy's Help To Find A Mummy Sarcophagus That He Examined Years Ago...

Translation: He Thinks I Am A Dumbass...

Giving Indy All The Gunpowder And Shotgun Shells He Needs, They Eventually Find The Artifact They're Looking For Giving Indy And Mac The Ample Opportunity To...Strike?...What?

Et Tu, Mac?

Not Exactly The Best Last Words To Go Out On, Indy But Fair Enough...

Dropping His Gun, Indy Manages To Escape The Russians And Mac, Running Through The Facility...

Crashing Through Trucks....

Having Flashbacks To Past Movies...

Does That Mean The Bush Sisters And James Woods Are Trapped In Here Too?...

We Get A Brief Fight Scene With Indy And Ivan Drago Here But It Doesn't Last Long As They're Blasted Out By A Rocket Sled...

After Surviving Ludicrous Speed, Indy Leaves Ivan Drago, Going Into A Town Of Mannequins That's Being Used As A Test Site For A Nuclear Missile Launch Where We Go Into The Scene That Everyone Always Complains About As Indy Goes Into A Fridge During The Nuclear Explosion And Miraculously Survives...

And To Those People I Will State That While It Is Your Choice To Hate What You Want You Are All Still Dead Wrong To Hate This Scene Because 1. The Fridge Was Lead Lined So He Wouldn't Have Gotten Any Radiation In The Slightest And 2. While He Could Have Broken Bones And Possibly His Neck From Being Tossed Around In That Fridge, It Still Is A Good Scene Not As Good As Any Of The Other Action Scenes In These Movies But It Still Comes In On My List Of Best Action Scenes In These Films, I'm Sorry

Found By The Military, Indy Is Questioned By The Men In Black About Mac And The Russians Only To Be Saved By Prince Charming's Dictator Father Who Tells Indy About Spalko Despite The Men In Black Beliving It's Not A Good Idea...

That's What You Get When You Make The Janitor From Scrubs A Member...

The Men In Black Let Indy Go But They Still Consider Him To Be A Possible Commie And Of Interest To Them. Heading Back To Marshall College, Indy Gets Canned By The Dean Of The College, Who Is Basically Marcus 2.0 In This Movie And He's Played By That Guy Who's Been In So Many Films To The Point That You Should Know His Name But Don't, Jim Broadbent...

Deciding To Find Someway To Save His Teaching Career, Indy Decides To Leave Home For A While When Fate Intervenes In The Form Of Shia Labeouf...

Labeouf Plays Mutt Williams, Who Tells Indy That His Friend Harold Oxley Went To Peru Where He Found A Crystal Skull And That He Was On His Way To Akator With It...

Mutt Goes On To Say That His Mom, Mary Went To Peru To Find Oxley Only To Get Kidnapped Herself And If She Doesn't Find The Skull, Then Her And Oxley Are Dead...

Showing Indy Letters, They're Immediately Confronted By KGB Agents Who Attempt To Talk To Them Outside But It Soon Turns Into Greasers Vs. Jocks As Mutt Starts A Fight In An Attempt To Escape...

This Leads To A Chase Between Indy And Mutt, The KGB And The Men In Black (Who Were Apparently Watching Them)

Poor Marcus, You've Been Through A Lot In 2 Movies And Now This...

Taking Mutt Back To His Place, They Discover That Oxley's Letter Is A Riddle...

Flying To Peru, Indy And Mutt Have A Brief Chat While Walking To A Cell That Oxley Inhabited When People Through Him To Be Insane...

Was The Punisher In That Cell For A Time?

Heading To The Cemetery Where Orellana Is Buried, They Soon Find Themselves Against The Protectors Of Orellana's Grave, The Surf Ninjas

Oh, Dear God! Not That Kid From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2! Not Rob Schneider! Somebody Please Save Us From This Torture!

Thank You

They Find An Entrance Into Orellana's Tomb As A Scorpion Stings Mutt....

Going Deeper Into The Tomb, Indy And Mutt Find Orellana And His Men, Transformed Into Mummies Eventually Finding The Skull Itself...

Why Would Ox Put It Back There? That's A Good Question And I Think We're Going To Have The Answer In 3....2...1...

Idiots

Taking Indy To Spalko In Peru, She Tells Him Her Real Plans For The Skull And Akator Once They Get There...

Reuniting Indy With Oxley, Played By The War Doctor, Indy Sees That The Skull Has Screwed Up His Mind, Transforming Him Into A Conduit....

Trying To Turn Indy Into A Conduit Like Oxley, Mac Stops Spalko Believing That Indy Is Of No Use To Them As A Zombie..o

Taking Indy Outside, They're Ready To Kill Mutt, But Still Telling Them To Drop Dead, Spalko Decides To Use Someone Else...

Mom?

Yes, It Turns Out That Mutt's Mom Mary Is In Fact, Marion Ravenwood From Raiders Of The Lost Ark...

Threatening To Kill Marion If Spalko Don't Get What She Wants, Indy Talks To Oxley Again, Getting Nowhere, Until He Notices Something...

Despite Helping The Russians, Mutt Gets Tired Of Waiting And Punches A Guard Giving Him, Marion, Mutt And Oxley The Opportunity To Escape...

But While Escaping, Marion And Indy Get Caught In Quicksand, Forcing Mutt And Oxley To Find A Rope Or Get Help While The 2 Former Lovebirds Have The Chance To Talk About Mutt...

With Secrets Revealed, Mutt Returns, Getting Marion Out Of The Quicksand With What We Think Is A Rope But Is Instead A Snake....

Finally Getting Indy Out, Oxley Returns With What He Considers Help...

The Next Morning, Indy And Marion Tell Mutt The Truth

Knocking Ivan Drago Out, Indy Gets Free, Releasing Mutt And Marion From Their Bonds...

I Should Know, After You, I Had A Pain In The Ass That Was Sleeping With The Director And A One Night Stand With A Nazi...

Taking Control Of The Truck, Indy Uses A Rocket Launcher To Blow Up The Buzzsaw-Wagon Which Catches Spalko's Attention, Making Her Realize That Jones Has Escaped, This Leads To A Chase To Get Oxley And The Skull...

Abandoning The Truck, Indy And Crew Go To A Car Where Indy Jumps To Another Car With Oxley, Mac And Some Russian Soliders, Fighting Them Off One By One Till Indy Reaches Mac, Who Tells Indy That He's A Double Agent For The C.I.A....

But As Mac And Indy Drive, Mutt And Spalko Have A Swordfight That Could Go With Better Music

Eventually Getting The Skull Back, They End Up Crashing Into A Siafu Ant Hill Where Indy Has His Final Fight With Ivan Drago...

Boarding The Car With Marion And The Others They Go Over A Cliff Where They Land In Water To Give Us Indiana Jones Twisted Version Of Splash Mountain

Surviving The Final Drop, They Arrive At A Cave To Find Various Hieroglyphs, Art And Markings All Over The Walls...

But They Are Soon Chased By The Ancestors Of The Ugtha Tribe That Guarded Akator Years Ago But They Are Let Go When Oxley Shows Them The Skull..

Climbing The Pyramid, They Try To Figure Out How To Open It...

Finally Opening The Pyramid, They Sharply Drop Onto Stairs That Quickly Disappear...

Arriving Inside, They Find Treasures Galore Before Coming To Another Door That Opens When The Skull Is Placing The Skull On It...

Inside, There Are Crystal Beings With Crystal Skulls For Heads But Before They Can Place The Skull In It's Proper Place, Mac Shows His True Colors...

Turns Out Mac Lied About Being A Double Agent And Has Been Leaving Tracers For Spalko To Follow...

Placing The Skull On The Crystal Being's Body, It Telepathically Communicates With Oxley In Mayan...

With Spalko Demanding To Know Everything, The Place Starts Falling To Pieces, Revealing What They Are, As Oxley Returns To Normal...

Indy, Mutt, Marion And Oxley Get Out Just In Time As Spalko's Men And Mac Get Sucked Into A Portal And Spalko Suffers From Information Overload...

Out Of The Pyramid, They Watch As The Aliens Go, With Indy Wondering Where?

And So, Everything Ends Happily With Indy Getting A New Job At Marshall College As Associate Dean And Him And Marion Finally Tieing The Knot With Hints That Labeouf Might Be The Next Indy, But Will He?

Nah, People Hated This Movie And Everything Connected To It, But What Do I Think Of The Movie? Well...

I Don't Think It's The Disaster Everyone Thinks It Is, I Mean, It's Not The Best Indiana Jones Movie But It's Not Downright Horrible. The Effects Are Good, The Story's Good, The Cast Is Good Everything Is Just Good, So, Stop Listening To The Crazy Haters And See This Movie...

Till Next Time, This Is Duke, Signing Off...

[piecesofmicorazon]

it is finished

yesterday was horrible. it was painful, stressful, frustrating, overwhelming. it was re traumatizing and depressing, full of empty prayers and doubts.

i woke up at 7am to go into the office because i knew it was going to take all day to get the application packet ready. i knew all of the errands i would have to run, and i knew i wouldn't be able to sleep the night before too.

i got to the office and got to work. started printing, scanning, writing, editing, erasing, re-printing, assembling. it took 5 hours for that alone, as i needed to make sure every single document was perfect. this is not me being a perfectionist, but truly because they don't show mercy for any errors with this process.

i had to write the proof of employment letters for my boss and i had to wait until her and my CEO, all the way in france, would get back to me with the document signed.

i had to go get my passport photos taken and go to the bank to get a blank check to attach fucking $600 for the application alone.

i went to the bank, only for them to tell me, i would need to order a check book which would take 2 weeks to get to me.

now. i could keep talking about how agonizing yesterday was for me. how much i cried and how pitiful this part of my life is. but i'm tired of talking about that. i've already told God that part, i've already left that pain at His feet.

but today, i want to talk about the blessings that happened yesterday instead.

yesterday, i went to my office and there was a printer, free for whatever use i needed it for. i probably printed & scanned over 1000 pages in color, all for free. i didn't need to go to a library or somewhere public, where people would've looked at me weird or where the printing bill would've been over $100. nobody was in the office yesterday, so i could comfortably cry in peace while assembling the packet.

i got my passport photos taken that cost a lot but i was able to get them for free because they accidentally made an extra copy.

my boss literally let me write the letter, proving that this was for a work trip, telling me that "she'll sign whatever or do whatever she needs to do to make it work." my CEO, all the way in france, sent over the signed letter in less than 5 minutes, even though i know he has so much on his plate. do you know how rare it is to find a company that supports you no matter what? especially for something so complicated and tedious as this? for her to say, "we got you no matter what, what else do you need from me?"

when i found out i didn't have a check i was able to write, i started freaking out a little. why is it that the first person i call, nene, happens to have a checkbook? i mean who even has checkbooks these days? and what's the craziest part of all, is that without any hesitation, she said i'll write whatever you need, even after i told her it was $600.

i got all the papers together, paper clipped everything in place, and went over to nene's. she's had to deal with so many visa issues as well so i know she'd understand.

on my way, even though i was so angry at God, decided to look at the bible app. romans 8:38-39 was the verse of the day yesterday. crazy.

i got to nene's, she wrote the check and told me to pay her back whenever i was ready. we went to fedex together and mailed everything out. it was done. a process that usually takes me a week, after consulting/reviewing everything w my lawyer, i did it in one day. yes, i did that shit!

the day before this, i was so discouraged and just in my room crying all day. jordan came home and told me to let it all out. i told her how much i wanted to give up and how this was not worth it for me. how i'm tired of fighting and being strong, and God has not been with me through this. she told me that i wasn't even letting God get the chance to show Himself. He moves mountains, and to him, this is nothing but a small ant hill. She tells me that i need to try at least, to at least submit the application and let God show his glory doing the rest. she prayed for me, praised God for still being so faithful, and read me verses even though i couldn't get myself to say anything. and then she just held me and told me that it's okay to cry.

this is something that’s been hanging over my head for my whole life and it’s so triggering every time I have to deal with it, it’s so frustrating and something I’ve had to face alone because of how tedious and specific every document needs to be.

though this circumstance is hard, it's always in these moments God reminds me how loved and supported i am. this is a battle i've had to face alone, but God shows me that i don't have to. i feel like He's reminding me to look at Him, through the many people he's put in my life. even yesterday alone, i see all the friends who are walking this journey with me.

i realize that i am so loved, it overflows my cup.

sheri and erin, always sending me the most perfect things i need to hear, and radiating their love where i can feel it through a phone screen.

jordan, who a couple months ago would've been unsure how to comfort me, but just knew exactly what i needed in that moment.

nene, who eagerly was willing to do whatever i needed in that moment, even if it meant writing a huge check.

my boss, who tells me she's going to do whatever it takes to make it work.

daniela, who reminds me how brave and gallant i am for getting it done and sends me a cake to my house to celebrate.

and how could i ever doubt God's faithfulness? when he proves it to me in tenfolds?

i am also learning that it's okay to not do it alone. to ask for help and support, to lean on my people when it's hard to bear. that they love me just as i am, not the strong persona i often wear.

and though i wish i never had to deal with this in the first place, perhaps i wouldn't have been able to experience these blessings at such capacity if it wasn't for something as hard as this.

sheri reminds me that God absolutely hears my cry and how I can't forget the constant faithfulness that's carried me through until now too. "He loves you and wants the best for you and that will never ever be dependent on our circumstances and what is seen. You are very much loved and supported!! If this much by me than even more by God. He sees you"

yesterday, i felt like i was drowning; in all the paperwork, the errands, the trauma, everything. but turns out i was actually drowning in Jesus; His love and mercy that helped me get it all done.

i do recognize that not many could've done what i did, and i'm stronger for it. sometimes i wish God didn't want me to be so strong and deal with things like this, but i know this is my path and God is running alongside me, even when it feels like He's not.

so there. it's all done now. i did it, and i can only hope God will finish it. realistically and legally, the odds are against my favor and in a normal world, this wouldn't work. but my God is not normal, and all i can do is pray His will is done; though in this case, i hope his will is for me to go to Paris ;-)

Jesus, you are indescribably glorious, my cup is constantly overflowing.

yesterday was extraordinary. it was full of being loved, heard, seen. full of faithfulness and surrendering, trusting and hoping. it was accomplishing and finishing.

through it all, life is so beautiful.