#i know this is probably trolling but i can’t breathe i need to throw bricks

[lazylittledragon]

i’m going to fucking scream, transphobes are so sad and obsessed that they’re misgendering A DRAWING OF MY BALDUR’S GATE 3 CHARACTER

[mybiasisexo]

Target

Genre: Angst | Mafia!au

Pairing: None

Length: 3.5k

Warning: Language | Violence | Unfinished | OC | 1st Person

Summary: A year after her last mission, Dragen has a lot to prove to both her company and herself, but when she begins to grow closer to her next target, she realizes she might be a little too soft for her current career....

Author’s Note: Started this in like 2014 I believe and this is all I wrote, probably won’t ever finish it, but you know how it issss.

MASTERLIST

Work:

Chen and I are standing outside a deserted brick building in downtown next to an equally deserted train track.

“You think you’re so brave,” Chen chuckles, rolling his eyes.

“I am,” I say, smirking.

“Then prove it.”

Now I’m the one to roll my eyes, “you’re such a troll.” 

A knowing smile grows across my face as I pull out the sleek glock 22 from inside my jacket and cock the gun. When it is ready, I place the barrel in my mouth.

Chen starts laughing before growing serious as he grasps the grip, placing his index finger confidently onto the trigger.

“What are you going to do now, Dragen?” He asks me gravelly, but I spot a hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

In reply, I pull my lips back, flashing him my pearly teeth, with a few gold teeth as well.

At that moment, a black van pulls up and a shorter dark haired man walks out of the driver’s side.

“Alright, guys. That’s enough,” he orders, and Chen laughs again as I pull away from the lethal weapon, wiping the saliva that had started to drip off my chin.

“I can’t leave you two alone without you fooling around. I’m surprised we ever get anything done,” the man, Kyungsoo, mutters.

“Oh please,” I say. “You know that this ‘business’ would crumble if not for us.”

“Not to mention your sense of humor,” Chen grins brightly. His lips stretch even further when Kyungsoo glares viciously at him.

After clearing his throat, Kyungsoo gets down to business, “the guy we are looking for is named Wu Yifan, but he goes by Kris. Rumor has it, he’s discovered some very…interesting information about our contractor that can ruin their business. We must capture him and figure out what he knows.”

“So are we going to get him today or…?” Chen asks.

Kyungsoo shakes his head, “no. Today, you two are just going to find and observe. Get a good feel of him so that we can figure out how to approach him.”

Chen and I nod once in unison. Kyungsoo reaches into his jacket and pulls out a small picture, holding it out for the two of us to see. The picture is in black and white and shows the side of a man’s face, he seems to be about the same age as us.

“This is our guy. Find him, study him, and report your findings back to me. Understood?”

“Affirmative,” I reply, sliding my glock back into its hiding place.

“Alright. Good luck.” Kyungsoo heads back into his van and peels out, causing dirt to waft around us.

We cough and choke on the dirt. Once it clears we glance at each other.

“I was really hoping we would kill someone today,” Chen pouts and sighs.

I take a deep breath and let it go harshly, placing my hands on my hips, “not today. Looks like we’re spying.”

“I feel so degraded. Isn’t this Sehun’s job?”

I smack his arm, “behave.”

Chen pouts again, rubbing his arm, “let’s go.”

~*~

Twenty minutes later, Chen and I find ourselves sitting at a park, watching a basketball game.

Our boy, Yifan, is attempting to play. He’s pretty good, at least, he’s very confident.

“He has literally missed every single shot he’s thrown,” Chen says, voice filled with mild disbelief.

I sigh, “How the hell did this guy uncover vital information about our contractor that can destroy them?”

“He had to stumble upon it. There’s no way….”

Yifan tosses the ball at the basket again, Chen and I tilt our heads to the side as the ball bounces off the backboard and soars back to Yifan, who ducks just in time.

“Pathetic,” Chen says. “Should we teach him a thing or two?”

I shake my head, “we must stay in shadow mode. We need to figure him out so that we can find a way to approach him.”

“You’re right. I just feel so bad for the man.”

“At least he looks hot while doing it.”

Chen is silent and I glance over at him. He is staring at me incredulously.

“What?” I pout.

“Your taste in men is quite appalling,”

“Yeah, especially since this one cannot stay.” I pull the sunglasses that are resting on the top of my head down to my eyes and stand. “Should we go?”

“Do you think we’ve gathered enough information?”

I shrug, “No. But I’m tired and he’s boring. Maybe they got the wrong guy.”

“We never make mistakes, Dragen, you know that.”

“Ilhoon will be worried. I promised him I’d be home early tonight.”

“What’s going on between you two anyway?”

“He’s my best friend,” I breathe.

“If he were your best friend, he’d know what you have been doing for the past five years. You’re lying to him.”

“You know that this profession calls for us to lie to everyone that matters, or else they’ll get hurt.”

Chen just shakes his head, “let’s wait one more hour. Hopefully he’ll go home, and you can peep on him taking a hot shower.”

I think about Chen’s offer. It is true that we haven’t gotten much on this Kris guy—except for the fact that he’s a terrible basketball player—and after my last assignment, I cannot afford to call it a day. “One more hour.”

Chen salutes and we get settled once again on the bench.

Yifan misses again.

~*~

“We’ve gathered that he likes to play sports, basketball in particular, though he isn’t very good.”

“Also, he enjoys eating jelly filled donuts and is quite clumsy, being that he got the jelly all over his shirt.”

“In a nutshell. This man is pathetic, and could possibly be molded like putty in Dragen’s hands,” Chen finishes with a smirk.

Kyungsoo’s wide eyes bounce back and forth between Chen and I. Finally he sighs and leans back in his chair, “alright. You two are dismissed. I’ll report your minuscule findings to the boss and he’ll let us know where to continue with this mission.”

Chen and I both rise to go but then Kyungsoo asks me to stay behind. Chen and I lock eyes and I can sense the worry in his gaze, but he leaves nonetheless, he has no choice.

I settle back down into my chair and wait for Kyungsoo to speak. He leans forward, folding his hands in front of him. His tan suit is a size too big for him and he looks like a son pretending to be his father at his office. 

“Suho is still worried about your well-being, Dragen,” he starts and I try not to roll my eyes. “He wants to make sure you won’t turn on us again. You haven’t killed anyone since Minho, and giving you such a big assignment after your near failure causes him to worry.”

I bite my lip. Just hearing his name rips me up inside, causes tears to form in my eyes. I take a deep breath and suck it back in, tape myself quickly back together so that I’m not exposed.

“So what do you suggest?” I question.

Kyungsoo opens a drawer and pulls out a manila folder, sliding it over to me.

“It’s a small mission. Just a man who was trading secrets of the South to the North. He’s on the run, right on the border, but they pinned him and have been watching him. His expiration date is tomorrow at noon, and then it’s a free for all. The government wants him disposed of before then.”

I skim through his profile. Kim Minseok, thirty years old, he was an officer in our military and apparently pretty high up. I wonder what caused him to betray the country in such a way.

“Do you think you can handle it?”

I allow myself this eye roll, “I can handle it.”

Kyungsoo nods and I see a hint of a smile pull at the side of his face, “good.”

I rise and walk quickly out of his office. Sometimes that man gives me the chills. It isn’t like I think he’d hurt me or anything, but I know that he can be ruthless and is completely deadly. He’s a killing machine.

At around two in the morning, I find myself on top of an old abandoned building. It’s an extremely windy night, and my curly hair flies violently behind me. Quickly, I wrap my hair into a ponytail and resume my position: kneeling on one knee with my rifle resting on the edge of the building. I peek through the scope, scanning the area for Minseok. Finally, after an hour and a half, I catch movement. There he is, running through the deserted open road covered in filth. You’d have thought he’d know better. I mean, the man’s on the run, why is he running out in the open? Oh well, I can’t care less for the reasons behind his actions. All I care about is proving Suho and Kyungsoo wrong. I can be just as heartless as them, and I am going to prove it in three, two, one…

Bang! 

The jolt from my rifle pushes me back and I stumble for a second as Minseok falls, out cold. Quickly, I snatch my weapon and run as fast as I can carrying the heavy equipment on my shoulder. Once I’m out the building, I yank out my glock and cautiously approach the man sprawled against the asphalt. I glance around me, all is clear. Minseok takes a quick breath and I jump.

“Please,” he whispers. I swallow hard as his eyes roll up to my face. “Please, I had to do it. I’m sorry. No one ever has a choice.”

“No,” I snap back at him. “There is always a choice, always a way out.”

“I guess you’ll find out soon….” He takes another breath, but doesn’t ever let it back out.

What was that?! No time to think about it. I have to leave the scene. I run over to my unmarked van and throw my rifle in the back, carefully maneuvering the vehicle so to not leave any marks. Once I am about forty miles out, I high sped it out of there. When I am at my safe spot—a dingy 24-hour gas station—I jump to the back and dismantle my weapon. Once it is put away, I drive back to the agency, switching the van for my own Dodge Neon and finally go home.

Pretenses:

He smiles and his front teeth shine against the darkness that surrounds us.

“You’re so beautiful when you’re shy,” he breathes, taking me all in.

I smirk, pretending to be brave, “your flattery isn’t really working, Minho.”

“Oh yeah?” He growls and presses himself closer to me, causing both my heart to race and a moan to escape. His smile widens with satisfaction.

“I love you,” he murmurs against the skin of my collarbone.

Don’t say that, I think. All the same, I smile and answer back to him, “I love you too, Minho.”

“Good,” he snaps, his voice serious and deep with lust. “Because you’re mine, Baby. For forever.”

I awake with tears in my eyes. I’m still dreaming of him, a whole year later. I don’t think I’ll ever not dream of him, of the man who showed me what real love felt like.

I check the time and jump up and run to my closet until I freeze. Today is Sunday, I have today off.

I sigh and lean against my closet doorframe filled with relief. Something unhinged me about my last mission, something about the way Minseok had just given up, about what he said to me. A sense of fear crawls up my throat like a premonition and I swallow it back fiercely. I’m overreacting. Maybe Suho and Kyungsoo are right about me, maybe I am becoming soft.

I step out of my room and bump into Ilhoon. His arms encircle me and he takes a step back, catching us.

“Whoa, there,” he murmurs, chuckling as we pull away. “Good morning to you too, Dray.”

I rub my forehead and sigh, “sorry.”

“Busy night?” He asks. He starts walking away and I follow him to the kitchen, plopping on a chair as he pulls out two bowls from the cabinet. “You didn’t get in until late…”

I wince, “I’m sorry, Ilhoonie. I know you want me to come home earlier, but my job is kicking my butt.”

“All you do is fix computers,” he scoffs and hands me a bowl filled with chocolate cereal—our favorite.

“You’d be surprised how complicated fixing a computer can be. First you have to find the problem, and then you have to check the entire database and make sure all of the files and other information won’t get lost and then—”

“Alright, alright. I believe you,” he chuckles, shaking his head. “You’re going to give me a headache with all that computer talk.”

“Sorry,” I mutter. I’m not feeling very well today, and Ilhoon can sense it.

“Well, you have today off, don’t you?” I nod. “Are you going up to your parents’ later?”

I nod again, “Zelo’s birthday is tomorrow so we’re celebrating it tonight. Are you going to come too?”

Ilhoon shrugs, “I am practically family. Plus, I haven’t seen Zelo in a while. How old is he turning?”

“Nineteen,” I gulp. My little brother is becoming a man today, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was terrified.

Ilhoon laughs, “remember us at nineteen? We went wild on our birthday!” Ilhoon and I share the same birthday, hence why we are so close.

I shudder, “that is exactly why I am nervous. I don’t want Yongguk anywhere near him after ten.”

Ilhoon’s eyes darken, but he doesn’t say anything. We finish our breakfast in silence and I help him wash the dishes.

“It’s almost twelve, get ready,” he orders as he heads to his room.

I sigh and roll my eyes. Ilhoon is very religious. If there is one thing he loves, it’s the lord. One of the requirements of living with him is that I have to accompany him to Sunday mass every week.

Once there, we sit in a pew near the middle and listen to the word. The father preaches about God’s love and undying devotion, but I don’t feel any reassurance.

I’m no angel. I’m the opposite, in fact. I’ve committed too many sins to be forgiven and I know there is nothing pleasant waiting for me on the other side.

God gave up on me a long time ago.

~*~

After mass, Ilhoon and I head over to my parents’ house. The place is packed with all of Zelo’s friends. Once my father sees me, he beams and wraps me in a hug. Since my life is so busy with work, I don’t see my family often. It has been a few weeks since Zelo and I have talked, and months since my parents’ and I have.

“Where’s Zelo?” I practically yell into my father’s ear. The music is so loud I can feel it more than hear it.

“In the living room, AKA the ‘dance floor’.” My father rolls his eyes and chuckles at my silly brother. I nod and snatch Ilhoon’s hand, dragging him with me to the living room.

In the middle of the room, surrounded by a semi-circle is the birthday boy. He’s busting all kinds of moves and I roll my eyes—I taught that kid practically everything he knows.

[gyromitra-esculenta]

Even If the Waters Rise 1/3

Talked myself into Mermay. But it’s Shadowrun based mermay with (something that resembles) plot. Mermaids are now metahuman, and, boy, do I have the issues with Sea Dragon’s design. It got 6k words on the first chapter.

Also, warnings for the whole planned thing: blood, gore, and violence; cannibalism (human on metahuman); questionable jokes and questionable totem choices; ambiguous relationships; referenced limb loss/cybernetics/etc; mating cycles.

(...)

Later, the deep throbbing bites on his back, shoulders, and neck almost manage to take his mind off the itching under the sleeves, the kind anything but scratching the skin off whole does nothing for. The bites, they should bother him more but feel only right, as does the thumb following the line of his spine, up and down each bump, ceaseless, building the pressure up and then letting go. Jack has to wonder as he drifts off if it's one of those times Gabriel will stay until he wakes.

He does. Looking with the usual neutral expression when Jack gulps for the air, the lingering vague memory of drowning but not sinking while something gorges itself on his flesh with little bites tearing him apart fading slowly.

(...)

Coming off the sedation after being cut was always a mixed bag. This time, though, the bustle of the street outside filters in slowly, rising like a wave over the ocean of static and breaking when the stims start doing their job.

The first breath is always the hardest, some kink in the lungs that kicks them into filtration mode each time the loss of consciousness occurs and demands focus from Jack to consciously switch back into the atmospheric intake.

"With us again?"

"You tell me, you're in my brain."

"Being obstinate will net you no points," Sombra mentally scoffs. "The pain?"

"No worse than usual."

"Arms up. Good, neural's working with no lag. And thank you very much for that kick, the legs are doing fine too."

"All?" Jack looks over the utilitarian metal surfaces of his limbs, the make and the model different from anything else he has seen on the market.

"Now, yeah," Sombra winces, pulling the plug out. She doesn’t need it but had told him once there were times she felt safer working with one. "For final calibrations, I need more data, so let's slap synthskin on those."

"What are they, anyway?"

"Scrubbed milspec, last year's model, or so I'd been told."

Sombra directs the assistant. Each applied sheet of layered synthskin gives Jack a lurch of unpleasant sensations before settling into annoyance, tension, and oversensitivity. A dance he's familiar with - a day or two before the brain puts a dampener on the sensory input when it integrates properly.

"I know why you're doing this for free, but why is he spending so much on this?"

Sombra flinches.

"The last batch you got rid of was worth more than those."

"It won't stop the demand, only the price of the meat went up."

"And the ability to process it for consumption went down. You know what's my take on it," she signs something on her pad. "Anyway, have fun tonight. I'll get in touch with you tomorrow to finish the calibrations."

"Not seeing much of a difference now," Jack pulls on his clothes, mindful of the temporary sleeves making sure the skin stays in place. "Tell me I won’t control and crush anyone."

"Implemented mental blocks. No limiters, so they can over-perform and get bricked, too."

"Taking bets on when I brick them?"

"Honestly!" Sombra throws the pad at him and Jack deflects it into the wall - looking back to her with a sheepish grin as it falls to the ground. "Too slow. Also, I don't want to see you in the professional capacity for at least half a year, but I'm giving you a month."

"Not very generous, and you're making me think you don't like it in my head."

"I don't, it's a jumble there since..." She stops herself, glaring daggers at the assistant who, granted with the rare ability to read the room, makes himself scarce - finding something urgent to do in the back.

"Since the glorified accident at work I don't even remember, seriously, five years, it's enough to stop treating me like I'm going to break about it." Jack pulls up the hood. Sombra's thinking about something, her brows drawn together in a worried frown.

"Aren't you curious?"

"Not really. Nightmares are a clue enough that something took out a lot of bites, and really, can't blame them, can I?"

"That's enough." She sends him a slightly nauseated look. "Scram now, have fun."

"Do you think he will tell me where he got milspec from?"

"He didn't tell me, so he's not going to tell you."

"But you've got an inkling how he got it."

"Maybe." She waves him off and Jack rolls his eyes, shrugging. Needling her for information has never worked before, anyway, and probably never will.

"See you when I wreck those."

"Fuck off!"

In less than an hour, there will be no trace left of her inside - and of Jack himself - the room is already being stripped down as he makes his way out of the basement up the concrete stairs with walls covered with dangerous amounts of mildew. Pushing past a corner stall encroaching on the doorway, he picks up a wrapped piece of barely seared meat waiting for him and waves his bracelet at the chit reader.

The air is wet and salty, like waves on the harbor, not even the smells of the market drown it out. The corners of his lips curl up at the thought tomorrow, or the day after, he'll be back out there, out on the sea, taking a dive into its depths, water everywhere, below and above, invisible current carrying him on its whims. Jack hails down the cab, the smile still on his face.

It remains there even twenty minutes later as he gets off by the hotel, both far too expensive and far too cheap at the same time. Too expensive for his own tastes, too cheap for Gabe to rent a room in it. Alas, here they are - and he sends a quick text.

'I'm coming up.'

Almost to the top, feeling vaguely claustrophobic in the humming elevator thankfully bereft of the usual muzak (apparently some taste did come with the money, but not enough for the interior to keep consistent style), he gets the customary message back. 'Open.'

Jack lets out the breath he's been inadvertently holding in when the doors open and he's left in the corridor, looking for the right entrance. A suite, of course, worth a chuckle as he walks inside, the only source of light the city's glow coming in through the windows.

And Gabriel, of course - again - standing with his back to the window, the only discernible features of his in the dim the almost glowing red irises and the white markings creating a vague outline of some animal face. Dramatic asshole, as usual.

"Show me."

The tone of authority and ownership demanding obedience - the order itself - coming from anyone else but the man who one way or another did own everything that made him, would have Jack snarling and pouncing whoever dared to speak to him like that. Hearing it from Gabe, though...

"Not even 'hi, how are you' or 'greetings, mortal'?"

Jack rolls his eyes, stripping down completely out of his clothes, leaving them lying on the plush carpet as Gabriel comes closer. Always smelling faintly of the deep ocean, or rather, of how Jack would imagine it to smell if it did.

Fingers dig around the edges of the sleeves on his shoulders, feeling the joints underneath, moving down to repeat the same around his hips. Synthskin sends confusing signals, not quite the pain yet, and a pinch of irritation.

"Looks fine."

"Will you tell me how you got your hands on last generation's milspec?" Gabriel ignores the question - no acknowledgment of it being asked even - as he's wont to do. Instead, he picks up a pillbox from the dresser. "I still got them."

"I know. You're dosing too low."

"Orgasm in a pill seems a bit too convenient." Jack massages the joint of his shoulder, moving to the bedroom. The carpet, probably soft on any other occasion, scratches his soles. "And a bit awkward."

"A fortunate coincidence of it interacting with your physiology."

"Yeah, coincidence. You're sure it's not another leash to keep me on?"

"If it were, you wouldn't be able to skip a dose. I'd make sure of it."

"I'm pulling your leg. I rather suspect you wouldn't do that, or would you?" Jack climbs the bed and props himself on the pillows - eyes focused on the single pill held between Gabriel's fingers, tracking it as he puts it in his mouth advancing - crawling over the covers, and Jack himself, with the grace of a predator playfully stalking a prey he knows cannot flee, the kill only a formality decided beforehand.

Drowning, always drowning in those eyes, black sclera and red irises blurring together into one, always looking too deep into him until he feels they don’t see him at all, his tongue brushing against sharp pointed teeth in an open-mouthed kiss, electricity traveling back and forth the nerves of phantom limbs with the speed of light coming to stop in a single burst leaving him breathless and shaking under Gabriel.

"Dutiful boy. You deserve a prize."

Jack chuckles at the first trace of any emotion in Gabriel's voice. The possessiveness is never truly gone, it's as much an integral part of him as are his looks, but there's a note of fondness giving Jack the incontestable impulse to almost preen: lower his lashes and incline back his head, hand sliding along dark red lines on Gabriel's arm.

"She's going to touch up off this."

"Are you worried about your privacy?"

"I'm used to having none with her. That was," he inhales sharply, feeling the bite on his collarbone, "for your benefit. I can see now you don't mind."

"I do not."

Jack merely snorts, rolling over and promising himself again to figure out Gabriel's trick with the clothes, there one moment and gone in the next, probably magic, but if he ever had any spark himself it was long lost with all the work done on him since the accident. Blunt as a troll's fist, this one.

Not that he has the ability to dwell on it while getting drilled into the mattress.

Later, the deep throbbing bites on his back, shoulders, and neck almost manage to take his mind off the itching under the sleeves, the kind anything but scratching the skin off whole does nothing for. The bites, they should bother him more but feel only right, as does the thumb following the line of his spine, up and down each bump, ceaseless, building the pressure and then letting go. Jack has to wonder as he drifts off if it's one of those times Gabriel will stay until he wakes.

He does. Looking with the usual neutral expression when Jack gulps for the air, the lingering vague memory of drowning but not sinking while something gorges itself on his flesh with little bites tearing him apart fading slowly.

"Lungs are still giving you problems."

Bathed in the sunlight, Gabriel looks as striking as in the darkness - minutely less dangerous now, however surface and not representative of his true nature the impression is. Regal. Focused on the multitude of holoscreens floating in the air before him.

"No. Not really."

"You were choking."

"Only a bit." Jack stretches, still feeling relatively boneless and exhausted, sticky with perspiration, too tired yet to consider the shower to be a genuine need right now. He slips off the bed only to retrieve the wrapped meat from the pile of discarded clothes in the other room and climbs right back into it.

"It's almost raw," Gabriel mentions when Jack's well into a third of his snack.

"Yeah. I'm finding it's not that bad at all, all things considered. Are you going to comment on my obviously poor dietary choices?"

"No. I'm rather curious about why would you consume it raw." A note of amusement, rare as it is, floats in Gabriel's voice. Jack shrugs.

"Started as a fucked up way to get closer and understand them better, and it grew on me. Not like I'm doing it a lot, wanted to treat myself tonight. Want some?"

To his astonishment, it does take Gabriel's attention away from the screens, as if he's considering the offer seriously - not that Jack would mind - and he leans in, hand trailing on Jack's shoulder for a moment and coming away with blood on the fingertips. Which he licks off.

One of the bites must’ve opened.

"No."

"Shit," Jack chuckles, pulling knees closer to his chest, resting his arms on them, just looking. "Could you just tell me what you are?"

"No. Probably never will."

"Suit yourself then, Knife-ears."

Soon afterward, Gabriel disappears in the bathroom and emerges back fully clothed, the suit so plain and unassuming it has to be worth its weight in diamonds, at least - and leaves without a word. Nothing about it bothers Jack, really, that's the only way he has ever known him to be: someone who's either rich or influential enough to never have had to conform to any social standards so they're like an alien concept to him. If anything, it tickles Jack's ego, the fact Gabriel spends both money and time on him regardless of his inscrutable reasons for it. And even if the time is scarce, the money comes in sums so high Jack’s not going to bother trying to figure the specific amounts out.

With a sigh, Jack plugs into his own pad, trying to ignore momentary vertigo any kind of connection, even the shallow one, gives him - waiting for Sombra to get to him. If she wanted anything from him, she always found him the second he jacked in.

The mental equivalent of a giggle has him rolling his eyes.

"You can say it."

"Boy, did you get screwed silly."

"I feel like I got some of my brain matter fucked out, that one's a freebie."

"What the hell are you eating now? Feedback from your tastebuds is giving me shivers."

"You too?" He bites off another chunk.

"What are you eating?" Sombra repeats, the tone akin to the one used towards a pet that definitely got into trash or picked up something suspect on the way.

"Almost raw meat."

"Interesting," she says after a pause. "Anyway, I'm done."

Jack flexes the free hand, clenching and unclenching his fist a few times.

"Not seeing any difference."

"You shouldn't because I know how to do my job. Also uploaded keys to the blocks, the data on the job, and you've got incoming charter on the roof in five hours."

"So I do have time for a bath then," he hums, smiling.

"Knock yourself out, I'm leaving you alone, you get weird in water."

"Thanks, Som."

"No biggie." Her presence warms up before blinking out, leaving Jack to sort through everything she's left behind both in, and on the pad. Processing plant, the floor plans from several flybys, one drone shot down by a spirit, two points of entrance, Genji on the spot, Jesse and him coming from the water with a few hours to spare, full carnage.

Jack smirks, pulling out the plug. Just how he likes it. He moves to the bathroom, the alarm set for two hours.

The bathtub is nothing spectacular, at best a tight fit for more than two people - still a fancy one with an array of controls barely anyone bothers to use. He picks the temperature and plays a bit with oxygenation and flow. Jack lowers himself into the water slowly, the cold playing havoc on the still sensitive synthskin. The nonexistent heat regulation of milspec freezes his joints with pain. All par for the course as he exhales before submerging in full.

And then, he breathes the water in.

The surface breaks with the remnants of the air pushed from his lungs. It's a poor man's substitute for the real thing but the pressure and the dampened hum of the surroundings, however dissimilar to a swim in the ocean, bring his mind some respite.

Running down the pier barefooted with the warmth of the sun on his back - jumping - the whiplash of the impact - diving deep, to look back from below at the light glimmering on the waves, the rays reaching for him - the hands reaching for him from the depths and pulling down.

With the sound of the alarm, Jack jolts up to a sitting position, coughing out the water. Another bout gets rid of the rest of it from the lungs, and he changes the temperature. The bath heats almost immediately.

The dream changes, but the ending remains always the same.

Head leaning against the rim of the tub, before properly washing, he spends minutes motionless except for the occasional shiver until his core warms up. Remaining two hours Jack idles away eating a late breakfast and not really watching some show on the holo while sprawled in the bed still smelling of sex.

Moving to the pad grants him some suspicious looks he can't fault people for because he does stick out here in his clothes like a sore thumb - and then surprise as his bracelet lets him pass through the gate and into the waiting Osprey with rotors running hot. A waste to use the craft fitted for carrying almost forty personnel merely for him, but he's not the one paying. At least, there's room enough to stretch his legs and to think very hard on how much he's unafraid of flying, his stomach doing backflips as it takes off.

The fact the crash might have been involved had occurred to him long ago.

Fifteen minutes in, Jack gives up and reaches out to Sombra, for which she ridicules him mercilessly but keeps him company. Getting angry helps to take his mind off of how fucking terrified he is. Even if he could run fucking laps inside the cabin, the changing tilt reminds him he's in the air, and the moment Osprey touches down three hours later, Jack's out like there's a pack of devil rats on his heels, relieved to have solid ground back under his feet.

Jesse, holding his hat down against the draft waves at him. The coyote stitched on his serape seems to stretch and yawn with the fabric moving, probably does so in truth, but Jack can never tell.

"Lúcio's finishing on the sub, we're going to drink tonight, coming too?"

Jack looks to the harbor and shakes his head.

"Not this time. I'll check the gear and maybe go for the swim."

"Dude, no, not in this water, trust me. Too much industrial, and many critters out here. Best case, you'd break out in boils after a dip."

"Can't be that bad."

"Well, Lúcio says that a pyramid had been hit hard some months back, there's been some runoff and an uptick in critters. Really want to chance it with whatever's in the water now?"

"Guess not." Jack shrugs, walking away from the powered down craft towards the only building on the pier.

"So how's about that drink?" The coyote on the red cloth sits down and scratches its ear. If he were to associate Jesse with any other spirit than it, he would be hard-pressed to find anything fitting.

"Pass. Just don't get in trouble with the locals. Or old pals."

"Hey, don't bring up my stalker vampire ex, the next time I see 'er, I have a stake with her name on it." Jesse throws his hands into the air, pausing in the doorway, letting Jack pass him.

"You know it doesn't work on her."

"It will slow her down."

"If you manage to stake anything vital."

"Oh, I will, because this," Jesse points to himself with a wide smile, "is absolutely irresistible to her."

Jack laughs, eyeing the crates set up inside.

"Yeah, there's no accounting for taste."

"Dude, harsh. Anyway, that's yours."

"Everything's in here?"

"I wouldn't know, I try not to touch your shit," Jesse gives an exasperated sigh while digging in his pockets for a cigar, the coyote snapping at it as he puts it between his lips. "Well, see you in the morning, dude," he adds before turning around. Jack nods, moving his attention to the boxes and working his way through their contents.

The story behind the coyote Jesse tells is as outlandish as the man himself, and a question for the ages of how he wasn't rad-insane or sporting another head. Yet.

In the German wasteland (the only place on earth one could be a real cowboy anymore, Jesse insisted), drunk off two shit beers because his ex fed off him earlier, and high on some local shrooms, staring at the dying campfire, the coyote came to him and took him on the trip. Jack would gladly chalk it up to alcohol, hallucinogenics, radiation, and exsanguination, all working in synergy - if not for the hard fact the coyote itself was very real, and as helpful as it turned out to be an impediment, or a bother, the other half of the time.

Methodically, Jack picks out the gear - the rest going back to their crates - and then he double-checks the selection, looking for any identifiable problems and defects. When he's finished and satisfied, it's well into the wee morning hours. He drags a random deck chair to the end of the pier and lays down in it. The city, as small as it is comparable to the majority on the coast, doesn't sleep - there is no escaping the lights and the sounds - but in his chosen spot overlooking more water than the land he can doze off.

If either Jesse or Lúcio notices him gasping for breath as they finish loading the sub, they don't mention it.

"I'm not hauling your shit," Jesse gestures to the container Jack left outside, by his chair.

"Hi, man," Lúcio smiles. "Also, I dig your new set, what's the specs?"

"You'd have to ask Sombra for technicalities, I'm only using them." Jack stretches, there's a kink below his left shoulder blade he tries to work out by rolling it. Almost manages to, too.

"Cool, will do. By the way, he tried to throw hands only once."

"Dude. Squeal much?"

"It's called being the responsible one," Lúcio shrugs and Jesse groans in response, muttering something sounding suspiciously like 'don't need a chaperone'.

"Sub's all ready?"

"She's right up purring now, the lady she is." Lúcio's eyes light up. "Nothing left to squeeze out."

"I'll hold you up to it." Jack gets up and drags the container to the sub, the box grating on the concrete, and brings it into the cabin, pushing it behind the seats.

"Oh, man, do that, love to see the data after you push her."

"Will do on the way back. Jesse, inside."

"That wasn't me sleeping when me and Lúcio were breaking our backs," Jesse snarks sliding into the pilot's seat, knowing well Jack's impatience and what they will use the spare time for. He doesn't mind, usually.

"Good hunting, guys." Lúcio mock-salutes as the hatch seals.

Before they're out of the harbor and submerged completely, Jack's out of his clothes, save for the boxers. Despite the sub being state-of-the art, with two people in it gets hot inside in less than an hour.

He starts on the sleeves, peeling them off slowly.

The synthskin underneath is still oversensitive, but no longer tries to overload his brain with conflicting or extreme stimuli. It just feels like blanched with boiling water and any negligible otherwise touch almost painfully tickles.

"Kinda creepy, like a snake's molt."

"Note to self, I look better with my skin falling off my frame."

"Hey, I'm just stating the bare facts. Fuck, ew!" Jesse leans away to evade the sleeve Jack waves in his direction. "Dude. No. That's uncalled for. I'm driving, I could crash us."

"Into what?"

"I'd find something!" It's either a threat, a promise, or a commentary on the nature of Karma.

"Out of the two of us, I'm the one who can breathe underwater, so..." Jack lets his voice hang as he reaches for the pillbox he left on the shelf earlier. It's a short debate if he should take one because even if he could take them as he felt like otherwise, risking going into implant rejection on the job was far from reasonable. As soon as the aftershocks fade, Jack leans back into the seat, lazily watching the water on the screen.

"And that's also creepy as fuck," Jesse comments, sounding a bit more somber. "You look like you just got your dick sucked off, every time."

"Honestly? Feels like it, every time."

"And you know what makes it even fucking creepier?"

"You're going to tell me and I can't stop it."

"Because this shit looks goddamn miraculous and I may have helped myself to some," Jesse begins, waving one arm in the air and Jack mutters that of course Jesse fucking did, "and they fucking don't work. And you know what's in them?"

"Not that interested as long as they work."

"It's people, dude."

Jack sends him a blase look.

"And you ate it."

"Yeah, but I didn't go looking like I creamed my pants after that."

"It's for implant rejection, so it only makes sense it has reconfigured genetic material in it. Also, do not eat my drugs, it's people."

Jesse grimaces.

"Dude, you made it sound weird."

"I made you getting into my stash of pharmaceutical drugs you personally can't get high off sound weird?"

"Dude, it's even weirder now. How do you do it?"

"What?" Jack chuckles. "You mean, use my brain, sometimes?"

Jesse mutters some expletive under his breath and Jack closes his eyes leaving it without comment as the whole chat makes him revisit more or less cloudy memories of the first months he's spent either half-conscious because of pain, or half-conscious because of drugs and pain.

At least, until the pill, and the moment when the pain finally went below the...

"Amida Bongo Christ Almighty!" Jack turns immediately at the sound of the genuine panic in the voice to see Jesse try to become one with his seat, pushing back with his feet against the floor, pointing at the screen where a shadow in the water comes into focus, massive, gliding with deliberation. "Of all the fucking things to run into, the Sea-Fucking-Dragon... we're all gonna die."

Jack kills the engine in his stead and swipes at the screen, focusing the image. He can't deny his own heart is hammering in his chest when he lets out the sigh of slight relief while trying to ignore Jesse's doom-saying.

"It's not her."

"What?"

"It's not her. Doesn't look like her, and it's much bigger."

"That's supposed to help us exactly how!?"

"Take her five hundred to the left," Jack, already climbing over the back of his seat and almost falling in a hapless heap on the container in the process, barks at him. "I'm going out."

"Are you fucking serious, dude? Of-fucking-course, you are!"

"Chance like this isn't going to repeat itself!"

"A chance to get fucking eaten by a dragon?"

"That too!" Jack locks the airlock behind himself and fits the propulsion module as it fills with water. There's no time to wait for the slow pressurization. When there's no air left inside, he forces the emergency release, pulling himself to the outside, and pushes away from the body of the sub.

"Dude." Jesse, switched to the comms, sounds appalled compared to the earlier panic, which is considerably better for the situation. "Did you just lewd a dragon?"

"Maybe possibly." Jack smiles, cutting across at an angle. "Remember, five hundred, match speed, if I do get eaten, go silent and wait, rendezvous with Genji, do the site rep, and then decide what you do."

"You're literally the last person who should give orders."

"Next to last. You're even less qualified."

"True what they say, the truth hurts."

The dragon is massive, its form much more suited to the open ocean than what footage of Sea Dragon there is shows of her. He's yet too far to discern if it has limbs or only the fins. It moves with a misleading slow grace, the powerful twists of the wide tail propelling it forward. Getting caught in the vortex of the currents pushed with each beat could be - is - deathly dangerous.

Smaller shapes swim with it, congregating around the middle part of its body.

At first, Jack takes them for merrows, they're known to attach themselves to big predators and form codependent relationships, but it's the perspective lying to him. They're bigger, more agile, gleam occasionally with reflective scales. A brood of young, maybe? If yes, the endeavor is even more foolish than in the beginning, but even that won’t deter him from undertaking it.

Two of the smaller creatures break away from the formation as he gets closer and approach, their tails swishing wildly in the water. Mermaids. Mermaids traveling in a pack with a dragon. Not something he had expected.

They're coming both from the above and the below, a male and an older female, judging by the scars and veils, still colorful but ripped and missing pieces. It's hard to keep up with their rapid movements. Jack curls his hands and legs to his body as they circle him.

"Please, don't bite," he tells them. "There's almost no meat and you will probably break your teeth on me."

The mermaids observe him warily. The female chirps once and turns back, the male following in her tow. She's green and yellow, the pattern reminiscent of the stripes on a perch or other fish known to thrive in greenery. When no light catches on her scales she blends with the deep green agate hue of the water, but Jack wonders if she's maybe better suited to sargassum forests. Her partner, on the other hand, with his solid canary yellow, stands out like a sore thumb - at least until both of them gain distance and rejoin the group amid some agitation from the closest mermaids, the reactions playing out like a change of direction in a school of fish.

It's his first close encounter with live mermaids since the accident, and he has been judged as neither a threat nor a meal. In this moment, Jack feels some of the rush bleed away, allowing him to slip into simple sensations, focus on them, and appreciate them: the steady pressure of water against every inch of his skin, the additional tension in his scalp when his hair, however short, drag with each movement, the cold seeping into him from the inside, the weightlessness - even if he knows his limbs would pull him much further down.

The ocean is far from silent - never silent - full of sounds he can hear with his ears, and the ones he cannot - he hears with his whole body - the symphony of the dulled hum of static and single notes played on different instruments, not unlike the sounds of traffic in its structure.

His eyes drift back to the dragon.

It's foolish. It's not borderline suicidal, it's just plain old suicidal. And he won't let a moment like this slip like air between his fingers.

Hand on the controls of the drive, Jack resumes the approach.

The dragon looms closer, its body at least thirty meters long from the tip to the tail, probably more. He can now see its limbs tucked close to the underbelly - the fins reminiscent of underdeveloped wings.

He swims parallel to its head, advancing.

Bone-like white crest covers its front. The black scales, even if they seem to have an inner shine to them, appear to consume the light voraciously. The dark red lines streaking along the sides twist and mold with each move of the powerful muscles hidden underneath.

Jack's heart does not fit into his chest, so hard it hammers against his ribs from the inside - with fear, with excitement, with awe - and that's before the low rumble resonates within him as the dragon opens its eyes, one after another, five of them on the side he's facing - each an abyss of darkness ringed with glowing red slowly focusing on him: an insignificant speck in comparison.

"God. You're beautiful."

No. It was a worthless descriptor when applied to the apex predator wrought with raw power both physical and not.

Sublime.

The dragon disregards him - its eyes swivel to look forward - he cannot fathom expecting to keep such creature's interest for longer than this. But it's also an invitation, he's considered to be harmless, hence nothing to bother with, and Jack slows slightly while swimming up. Above its bulk, he notices some mermaids just clinging to the body, clawed fingers curled around the edges of the scales. Stupid, again, but he is going to try the same: hitch a ride on a dragon.

The thought is intoxicating, sends his mind reeling with unsuppressed glee.

He dives forward, his fingertips brush the hard surface - with caution he digs his fingers underneath the scale - the other palm he lays flat against it as the propulsion module switches off.

Jack pulls himself closer against the current, that rush of underwater wind. Never has he wished for his limbs back more than now, to touch and feel with his real skin, not even when the bones that aren't his anymore burn with that deep ache that sends all the thoughts skittering away with no control. Instead, he pulls flush against its body, forehead pressed into the scales, each contraction of the muscle below them felt intimately.

At the moment, he doesn't count time, not until another rumble, one he feels against his skin, makes him realize almost two hours have passed.

He looks back to see the mermaids otherwise swimming try to grab onto scales as it continues. In the front, what he took for vestigial wings - the fins - slowly unfold to reveal skeletal-like frame filled in with dark ethereal filigree straining on the currents.

It's a profound kind of sadness Jack feels loosening his grip. Drifting - falling - sinking - away.

The wings spread and angle. The dragon's back winds up like a spring.

Then it soars underwater, deep in the ocean, each beat of the wings carrying it further away into darkness.

The rush of water pushed by the dragon sends him spinning. Jack instinctively curls his limbs to his core to wait it out, losing all sense of direction in resulting vertigo. When it stops, it takes him a while to orient himself, the leviathan nowhere to be seen anymore.

"Jesse, it's safe to approach. Can you get to my signal because I'm fucking lost?"

"I see you," the response comes with a delay. "Coming from your general six. Dude, do you know how much is the footage worth?"

"It's worthless." Jack turns around with a few kicks.

"All would kill..."

"You can't put a price on it, it will put a price on your life." He can see the incoming lights blinking for his benefit as they draw near. "And you want to put out there a proof of a dragon that had remained away from the public knowledge until now?"

"Fair, even I'm not that stupid. I think. With the way you put it."

Jack swims towards the sub and grabs one of the railings, pulling himself towards the airlock. Minutes later, he climbs into his seat, dripping water everywhere.

"Got what you wanted outta that one? Besides getting eaten?"

"I think I've found god," Jack smiles, genuinely. It's a memory he's going to treasure, one unlikely to be eclipsed by any other in the foreseeable future.

"You going to be one of them dragon-worshipping freaks? I've heard things, and none good, I say."

"Not like that."

"So," Jesse turns his head to look at him. "You want to dick down a dragon."

"When you get down to it," Jack starts carefully, eyeing Jesse with a certain degree of suspicion, "yeah, basically."

"Heard about that one club you can meet one, violet eyes and..."

"I don't want to dick down a dragon, I want to dick down this one."

"Okay. It's important to have goals in one's life. I'm not judging."

It's at this point that something about a much earlier conversation occurs to Jack and he stills before covering his eyes with his palm.

"Jesse?"

"Mhm?"

"When you said you have a stake with her name on it... Did you mean your dick?"

Jesse raises his eyebrows, makes finger-guns with his hands, and goes for a pithy imitation of 'badum-tss' sound.

"You fucking moron." And Jack can only laugh.

[gamzee-the-capricious-fanfic]

Chapter 6

Notes: This is the Chapter with a lot of bad shit in it so beware

You come to with a groan. You feel disoriented and you don’t know where you are. Luckily you know who you are so that is a plus. You manage to finally open your eyes, squinting immediately at the light above. You attempt to sit up but a wave of pain, dizziness, and nausea make you lay back down. You close your eyes again, your whole body hurts but especially your shoulder, the throbbing pain is intense. You just lay there for a bit, it appears no one is around you else they would most likely be pestering you with questions and concern. You open your eyes again and look around. You are on the couch of your dorm, you are not sure how you got there. You also notice that you don’t have a shirt on, you guess that makes sense considering your injury needed tending to. You sigh, there’s no way you just fainted, you would have come to much sooner so that leaves the other and more unpleasant option, you must have had yet another seizure.You had been doing so well, the medication had really helped. But you suppose such shock to the body could trigger it. You will have to keep that in mind for the future. 

You hope you didn’t cause any problems for Kanaya and Rose. Considering past incidents you have the tendency to throw up when you have a seizure. Speaking of throwing up you start to feel the intense urge to do so now. You lurch up to a sitting position quickly but the action causes an intense wave of dizziness and the room spins and nope you throw up on the floor. You retch up stomach acid, which you suppose is better than the alternative, easier to clean at least. You pant a bit, desperate for air and you close your eyes. You can’t stop trembling and the movement causes more pain in your shoulder. This shit motherfucking sucks. You slowly lay back down trying to not trigger another throw up sesh. Getting up right now is not an option it seems. 

You hear the door open and you open your eyes to Dave looking at you. “Jeez dude, do you throw up every five minutes or something?” 

“Oh fuck off Strider.” 

He looks at you for a moment more before grabbing a rag from the kitchen and walking over. He starts cleaning up your mess. “I can do that.” you mutter. “Just need a motherfuckin minute or two to get all up and fine.” 

 He snorts. “Sure dude, you look like fucking shit, doubt you’ll be getting up any time soon.” 

You growl softly, he might be right but you don’t want to admit it. “Whatever bro” a few seconds pass before you say: “Thank you though.” 

He just nods and finishes cleaning. Once he’s done he stands up and looks at the floor checking to see if he missed anything. “Alrighty, looks like new, now preferably clown boy don’t throw up on the floor that I just cleaned or else we are gonna have some beef.” 

You chuckle. “S’not my fault no one thought to put a trashcan in my vicinity now is it?”

He shrugs a bit of a smirk on his face, “You’re not wrong.” He drags a little trashcan over to you. Then starts heading for the door again. Before he leaves he looks back to you. “You should probably just sleep some, that always helped when-” He cuts himself off. “Just trust me.” Then he leaves. 

You sigh. You wonder what he was about to say, but oh well. You feel exhausted. Guess you’d better take his advice. 

A day passes before you can move around and a week and a half before you feel back to full strength. In that time you find out that Xaleeb is actually in your health class. You wouldn’t have noticed this except that now he keeps looking back and glaring at you periodically. It’s kind of weird. In fact you are in health class right now, and he’s doing it again. You sigh and look over to Karkat. “When do you think this motherfucker will stop doing this shit. It’s fucking weird, like damn bro, just get over it.” 

Karkat just shrugs and before he can really answer you the professor walks in raring to start the lecture. Usually this is when you would start to zone the fuck out but when she announces the topic you freeze. Great. We are talking about seizures today. You sigh again and Karkat gives you a look. “Great, get to learn all about how fucked up I am” you mutter under your breath.

Karkat rolls his eyes. “C’mon Gamzee, it’s not that bad. It’s not like the professor is going to single you out or anything.”

Hm, true you guess. And he is right, until around the middle of the lecture. As a rule all of your professors are aware of your little issue but most would have the tact to not mention it. Except this one it seems. She was just going through symptoms that occurs before a seizure when she looks at you and says: “Gamzee, would you say these are pretty accurate in your experience.” 

Karkat looks at you wide eyed for a second before giving the professor a ‘what the fuck’ kind of look. She notices Karkat’s look and looks back at you apologetically.  You just paste a fake smile on and nod to answer her question regardless. You can’t help but notice Xaleeb snickering and whispering to the troll next to him. Oh, it’s the female troll who’s arm you broke. Great. Your biggest weakness, just laid right out there for everyone to know. You try to breathe evenly, you are really pissed off and you are trying desperately not to show it. The professor just didn’t know better. Karkat paps your arm trying to soothe you. You just shake your head slightly. You are not going to lose your shit over this. At least this is your last class today. When class ends you mutter to Karkat that you are going to take a walk, he looks a bit concerned but nods. 

You start heading towards your “kinda secret but not really” spot with a sigh of frustration. All you want to do is just get a little bit high, is that too much to ask? Probably, you think with a soft grumble. You arrive at your spot in a state of increased agitation. You pace for a minute running your fingers through your hair ruffling it up more than it already was. Finally you manage to come to a stop long enough to search for where you happened to hide your weed stash and lighter. After a minute of searching you growl with even more frustration, you could have sworn you put it right where you were looking. Just your fucking luck that someone would have somehow found your little stash spot. You let out a string of curses under your breath, you almost think Karkat would have been proud of you for the interesting amalgamations of words you managed to string together. You bite your hand lightly still rumbling with irritation. You stand back up still so caught up in your irritation that you don’t hear the steps behind you.

Abruptly a hand grabs your shoulder and spins you around then shoves you against the brick wall behind you. You can’t help but to yelp in surprise. In front of you stands Xaleeb, the blue blood from before, behind him you get a glimpse of his cronies before he shoves his phone screen up to your face. His phone screen is rapidly flashing black and white. For a second you are wildly confused, “Wha-” Then it clicks, he’s trying to induce a seizure. Wow, low blow motherfucker. You fucking laugh and his cruel smirking face changes to one of confusion. Like that is going to fucking work, with your medication you should be just fine you imagi--. You feel it then, your body starts to lock up. Oh. Oh fu--

You come to with a groan, your head is pounding, in fact your whole body just hurts. You are laying on your side and you’re pretty sure your hands are tied behind your back. You feel something around your neck too, some sort of chain you think. You mutter with your eyes still closed, unable to muster the strength to open them. “Motherfucking shitfaced bastards with your goddamned flashing lights really fuckin up my day here.” A hard kick to your stomach makes you shut the fuck up and gasp for breath. This really isn’t your day huh. After a few wheezing breaths you manage to open your eyes to the group of blue bloods standing around me. “Literally kicking a troll when he’s down huh? So valiant for some motherfucking ‘highbloods’ huh motherfuckers.” You give them all a mocking smile that earns you another kick to the stomach. After catching your breath again you manage a dark laugh. “One trick hoofbeast huh?” 

The female blue blood who kicked you snarls and looks as if she is going to hit you again but the leader, Xaleeb, snaps his finger and she halts, looking disappointed. If you weren’t still in such a shitty situation you’d be grateful, one more hit and you probably would have hurled up your guts. Really isn’t doing your throat any favors. Finally Xaleeb speaks: “You have quite a vile mouth for a ‘downed troll’. If you were smart you would be begging me for mercy, but well, I’m sure you are more stunted upstairs than you are physically.” You roll your eyes but while he speaks you manage to get your phone out of your back pocket, your back is still against the brick wall so no one notices you carefully get it. You are suddenly very grateful for a feature Sollux helped add to your phone, if you push the home button 5 times quickly your phone automatically sends Karkat an emergency text. Ya know, just gotta not die till he gets here.

You quickly get your phone back in your pocket as Xaleeb approaches you. He has a self-assured smirk on his face that pisses you off, in the most platonic hateful way of course. He lifts his foot and places it against the side of your head putting a slight bit of pressure on you. You growl. “Still not begging for your life huh? I could just..” He puts more pressure on your skull and you hiss in pain. He gets a maniacal smile on his face, the sadistic fucker is enjoying this way too much. You manage to growl out: “Fuck you motherfucker.” He lifts his foot off of your head and you almost sigh in relief. “Well now that is an idea isn’t it~.” You look up at him incredulously. “What the fuck. Why would I ever fuck you motherfucker.”

“You have it backwards I’m afraid, and I never said you had a choice in the matter.” His sadistic smile only grows. 

“I’m tired of this sick joke, just fucking beat the shit out of me or whatever you intended to do so we can get this over with.” You snarl at him. There’s no way he is serious. That would just be sick and twisted. But he doesn’t look like he is joking. He grabs a part of the chain that is wrapped around your neck and he pulls on it pulling you to a sitting position. The chain tightens around your neck and you can’t breathe, he put a motherfucking barkbeast choke collar on you. Panic starts to fill you as the pressure on your neck doesn’t go away. A choked whimper makes its way out of your throat and Xaleeb releases the chain allowing you to breathe. You glare at him as you gasp for breath. He crouches down in front of you. 

“Tell me, have you ever pailed anyone before?” He cocks his head slightly staring intently at your face. You just growl at him. 

“I’m going to assume that is a no?” His smile widens. “That’s just perfect.”

 You try to scoot away from him but the brick wall is directly behind you. Oh god, you hope Karkat shows up, this is getting too real. You look past him and the others tryin to see if there’s anyone else around. Xaleeb grabs your horn and slams your head into the brick wall. You hiss in pain. “No one is coming to save you dipshit.” 

“Ah well, can’t blame a motherfucker for trying huh?” You give him a mocking smile. 

He laughs, “That mouth of yours is going to get you into more trouble you know that right?” He grabs your horn again and shoves you to the side and you, unable to catch yourself with your hands tied behind you, get a face full of dirt. You groan in pain, god that fuckin hurt. C’mon Karbro where are you? Things aren’t looking good, did the text not go through? You followed Sollux’s instructions so it should have, but.. No one is coming. No. Karkat will show up, you just have to stall for time or something. Xaleeb smiles down at you. “Look at you, absolutely helpless.” 

You snort with laughter. “I wasn’t so helpless last time now was I?”

Xaleeb nods towards the female blue blood and she smiles. She approaches you and kicks you in the side, hard. You wheeze painfully, you're pretty sure she might have broken something. You guess maybe it is payback for breaking her arm last time. Xaleeb chuckles, “Now, where were we? Ah, yes, I was going to show you all the ways I can break you. Ruin you. No one will want you after I am done with you.” 

He starts unbuttoning his pants and you go cold. He is really going to do this. You hold back a whimper, you are not going to show weakness to this asshole, just gotta find a way to stall. “Can’t believe you’re so eager to fuck me.” You chuckle condescendingly. “Is fucking someone motherfuckin higher than you a fetish for you? Motherfucker that’s just sad. Honestly you remind me of a friend of mine, except he’d probably beg me to fuck him.” Sorry Equius, you really don’t mean that. 

Xaleeb just keeps smirking down at you. “You know, no matter what you say you are still at my mercy right now. And well, I do actually have a fetish. You wanna know what it is?” He kneels down beside you. “I get off on causing people pain. And oh I can barely wait to hurt you. To hear you scream and beg me to stop. But I won’t. And when I’m done I’ll watch as everyone else here gets a chance to use you.” 

You tremble slightly, your bloodpusher feels like it is going a million miles per hour. This can't be happening. Oh God, oh fuck, Karkat please, you beg, please fucking hurry up. One of the trolls grabs you by the back of the shirt and lifts you to your knees. You struggle a bit but it doesn’t do you much good, your body still feels weak. You feel cold hands slide up under your shirt a bit, you feel sick. “Wow, gonna feel me up now too huh?” 

Xaleeb laughs. His hands drift to the waistband of your pants. You want to beg him to stop but you get the feeling that he would just enjoy it even more. You just growl as he slowly reaches forward to unbutton your pants, he’s taking his time it seems. “Gonna take all day with this shit then?” 

You hear him chuckle. “No, I just want to take my time here, It’s for your benefit really. To really show you that no one is going to come and save you.” Your pants are unbuttoned now and he slips his hands down a bit further running them over your hips. You really want him to stop. 

“You sure are confident aren’t you?” There’s a slight tremor to your voice that you hope he didn’t notice. 

He hums softly, “Yeah, I am confident. I mean, who would fucking care enough about you to come save you?”

You snarl. “Maybe you are just jealous that so many trolls care about someone so fucked up when no one gives a shit about you motherfucker. You are nothing, motherfucker.” The only indication that he was at all affected by your words was his claws digging into your hips slightly. 

“Says the one at my mercy. Hm, how many times now have I had to remind you?” He tuts softly as he finally starts to pull down your pants. Your breath hitches a bit. “You sick fuck!”

He slides your pants down to your knees. Your face feels hot as his fucking cronies leer at you. “You all are some sick motherfuckers, can’t believe so many of you get your kicks from this.” 

You feel one of Xaleeb’s hands drifting up your inner thigh. “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME MOTHERFUCKER!” You are absolutely shaking with rage. 

He viciously tugs on the choke collar cutting off the low growl you were making. “Aw, look, he’s angry~” 

You cough and struggle to breathe for a minute. Your throat is very painful and breathing hurts. You hope he hasn’t caused any permanent damage. Suddenly he pushes you forward and you yelp as your face smashes into the dirt. Now everything neck upwards hurts and you are pretty sure your nose is bleeding. But even worse than that is that now you are in a very vulnerable position. You try to struggle back up but the troll who lifted you by the shirt now holds you down. You hear fabric shifting behind you then you feel something slimy and wiggly- oh god that’s his bulge- run against your inner thigh. You feel like you could throw up. You let out a stream of curses that would make even Karkat proud when you feel him sliding up against you. Oh no, any moment and he could- A scream rips out of your throat as he viciously shoves into you. Oh god it hurts. Beyond the pain you can hear him groan with pleasure. 

You scream more curses, filled with intense rage but he makes you scream in pain again as he starts roughly thrusting into your nook. Tears stream down your face and you bite your lip hard enough it bleeds as you try to hold back your sounds of pain. Fuck. Fuck! FUCK! Your breathing is ragged as you once again try to struggle away. The troll holding you down pushes you down harder making it almost impossible to move. You dig your nails into your palms unable to do anything else with your hands.  You want it to stop. You want it all to just stop. Why hasn’t Karkat come to help you? “Has it hit you yet? The fact that no one can stop this? That you deserve this?” He groans again. “And damn, let me tell you, for a cullable fuckup of a troll you do feel quite good.”

 You choke back a sob. You try to tell yourself he is wrong, you don’t deserve this, and… and… Karkat must be coming… right? Xaleeb’s words echo in your head with each rough thrust into you. No one is coming. No one can save you. You deserve this. It feels like forever before Xaleeb’s movements become more erratic. His bulge twists around inside of you and makes you cry out in pain. You are left whimpering painfully as he shoves deep into you. He moans loudly and you shudder with disgust as he fills you with genetic material. You feel over-aware of the genetic material dripping down your thighs. You can just imagine the blue staining your skin. The imagery make you gag. You feel Xaleeb slide out of you and god every bit of you hurts. After a few seconds he kneels beside you making sure you can see him. You snarl at him. “Bet you wish this was done huh?” His smile is cruel, satisfied, it makes you sick. “Well, four more trolls to go~” 

Your stomach drops, you had almost forgotten that this was nowhere near done. You wish you could come up with something more than the “Fuck you.” you manage to say to him. He just smiles. You hadn’t noticed the female troll had moved behind you till you feel her bulge shoving into you. You cry out again in pain, she really wasn’t that big but you were already ripped up and raw from Xaleeb that the pain was almost equally as agonizing. Xaleeb just watched your face as you screamed and cried. It felt like forever before they were all done with you. The last one had been the worst after Xaleeb. He had been the troll holding you down and he was considerably bigger than Xaleeb even. Save the best for last right? You almost laugh hysterically at that. Almost. 

Said troll now lifts you up and slams you against the brick wall, your arms get the brunt of it and you hiss in pain. You glare at Xaleeb and the other trolls. Xaleeb crouches in front of you. “Now that was satisfying now wasn’t it?” 

The trolls around him chuckle and nod. You fucking hate them. “When I get the fucking chance I’m going to rip you all into shreds and I’ll be the one satisfied then.” You snarl full of rage at them. You go into excruciating detail about how you would kill each and every one of them until you reach what you would to to Xaleeb. When you get to him he tugs on the choke collar again, holding it tight so you can’t breathe. “I think that is quite enough of that. You know, I am REALLY tired of hearing your voice. You don’t know when to shut up don’t you?” 

You struggle desperately to breathe but he doesn’t release his hold on the choke collar until you are just barely struggling. You gasp desperately for air as soon as he does. You are trembling uncontrollably, you weren’t sure just then if he was even going to release his hold. He grabs your face, lifting it up till you are forced to look at him. You growl softly. He doesn’t look amused, in fact he looks annoyed for a moment then his face lights up. “Well now, I think I can solve this little problem.” 

You give him a confused look. “Open your mouth. Now.” 

“Fuck no!”

“You want another round of everyone or do you want to do as you’re told?”

You hesitate, you really don’t want to go through all that again. You can’t. You grudgingly open your mouth unsure of what he is planning. “Stick your tongue out.” 

Hesitating a moment more you do as he asks. He grabs the tip of your tongue rather roughly and you wince. You never noticed the knife in his other hand until your tongue feels like it is on fire. You shriek in pain then choke on the blood filling your mouth. You cough up some of the blood and start hyperventilating slightly. He just cut off part of your tongue. You can vaguely hear him laughing but you no longer feel like you are there. That is until he punches you in the face, the immediate pain bringing you right back. “Come now, can’t have you zone out just yet. First off, and this should be obvious, don’t fucking tell anyone about what happened here. Tell no one about who did this. And if you do, then we will do worse to that mutant moirail of yours.” You growl. “Or, what about that shit-blood you moon over.” You shut the fuck up. “Good boy.”

He stands up satisfied then gestures for everyone to head out. All of them obey except one who approaches you and sneers, he reaches towards you and you lunge forward your teeth crunching down one his hand. You can feel his bones splintering as he shrieks. Finally, someone screaming besides you. That female bitch of a troll kicks you in the ribs repeatedly until you release the other troll’s mangled hand. She guides away the sobbing troll and to your surprise Xaleeb doesn’t come back to punish you further. They just leave you there. 

You sit there for a bit, blood dripping down your chin before you shift forward a bit. You need to get your hands free. One thing at a time. You look around for a second and spot the knife Xaleeb used earlier, it has your blood coated on it. You are surprised he had left it. You take a breath and then slowly manage to scoot your way over to it. Once you can reach it you grab it and try to saw at the rope tying your hands together. It takes a while and you cut your arms a few times but you manage to free your hands. Once your hands are free you tug your pants back up. It's a bit of a struggle as your body is so sore but you manage. You lay down on your side for a minute, just physically exhausted. You just need a minute you think. You pull out your phone from your pocket once again. You turn it on and open up your messages. Nothing. Karkat never responded. You laugh hysterically. Xaleeb was right. You feel raindrops hit your face. Great. This is all just great. 

[gamzee-the-capricious-fanfic]

Chapter 1

Your name is Gamzee Makara and today you are attending a human school with all your friends, human and otherwise. Of course like all trolls you already had all necessary information kind of like miraculously inputted in your head from the schoolfeed. However this school was human and although the trolls have shared their knowledge and technology with the humans they still wanted to do things old school. Didn't matter much to you of course, you rather liked humans and of course where your friends go you wanted to go too. Especially your best bro and moirail Karkat Vantas. You’re not sure you could live without his constant yet adorable nagging. In fact he was currently doing just that you realize focusing back in the now.

“Gamzee are you fucking listening to me you addle panned bulge sucker!” 

You smile lazily thinking he is really motherfucking cute when he is angry. He rambles on some more half-assed insults before he gets to the point. 

“Like I was fucking saying before you got lost in the damn clouds or whatever, we are in room 218 with Tavros, Dave, you, and me of course. Here is your fucking key and I swear to god if you lose this I’m going to flip my shit.”

You will probably lose it. Luckily you have a sweet little moirail who shares a room with you so you can pester him if you lose it. He will rant and rave of course but that just adds to his charm you think. 

“Will try my best motherfucking best bro. You know I be all up and losing shit sometimes.”

He rolls his eyes and huffs. You catch a glimpse of his miraculously red eyes and you wonder what it would be like to paint with his bl-- no, no, no. Not going to finish that thought. You wince as a sharp pain shoots through your head. You’ve been having a rough few days. You are currently in the process of getting off sopor slime due to the fact that 1. It was required to attend the school, and 2. Karkat has been really insistent about it. Still, you were not enjoying the withdrawal symptoms. Karkat looks at you with concern noticing you wince.

“You doing ok?”

You nod and immediately wince again as that made your head pound. “Yea- well, kinda? Motherfucking I feel like my pan gon all up and explode but uh, s’pose it won’t do that so I’m probably ok?” 

You don’t sound very sure. Karkat nods slowly concern still lighting up his eyes but he doesn’t comment. He just grabs your arm and starts guiding you towards the dorm hive-- building you guess you should call it. The building itself wasn’t super interesting you thought, a bland red bricked structure with glass doors, and windows lined symmetrically up the building. Karkat starts rambling about the room being on the second floor but you aren’t really listening. When you enter the building there are a bunch of trolls and humans crowding the elevator, you are surprised that some of the humans have so much stuff. You and Karkat have a rolling suitcase each full of your stuff. Of course you do have some things captchalogged. Mainly just a bunch of horns you couldn’t fit in your bag, and of course your clubs. Can’t go anywhere without them!

Not interested in waiting for the elevator you lift Karkat’s and your bag and head up the stairs. Despite being essentially skin and bones due to bad eating habits you do have a substantial amount of strength as is typical of higher blood castes. Karkat follows you up the stairs grumbling about being able to carry his own bag but you ignore him, you love helping a bro out. After reaching the second floor Karkat grabs his bag again and leads the way to the room. It will likely take you quite a few times before you remember how to get to the room. Karkat unlocks and opens the door to the dorm room and you guys head in. Looking around you can see that the first area you walk into is a lounge on one side with a kitchen on the other, definitely cozy. Past that is the bedroom area with two sets of bunk beds one on either side, a window in between. There is also two wardrobe looking things next to the beds, guess you gotta share clothing space with your bunkmate. Not really a problem for you though, only got a few outfits as is. 

Looking around you realize you and Karkat are the first here. Guess you get first choice on which bunk. You head to the right side bunk and start pulling your bedding out of your suitcase haphazardly throwing it all on the top bunk. You know that Tavros will be on your side and he has a bit of a thing with being up high. You don’t mind though. After much insistence from Karkat you put your clothing away with a little more care. Looking over you see he has claimed the bottom bunk of the bunk bed on the left. While he also wasn’t the neatest troll he still took more care making up the bed than you did. 

While you are filling the fridge with Faygo the door opens and Dave walks in. He looks over at you, your not exactly sure what expression he is making because of his shades. All you know is that no one is going to make you part with the faygo. He continues on into the bedroom to set his stuff up and you shake your head trying to shake off your sudden bout of irritability. It is not like you to be so volatile over little things you think. Though, you don’t really know what you are like when you aren’t consistently high. You hope the trend doesn’t continue, it kinda puts off your friendly clown persona. You focus back into reality when you hear Karkat raising his voice in the bedroom. 

“Strider for the love of a probing cretin you are NOT going to just leave those shitty fucking swords around!”

You poke your head into the room. “What?? He gets to have swords but I can’t make a horn pile?”

Karkat makes a frustrated sound. “Neither of you are leaving any of this shit around you fucking idiots!” 

You and Dave look at each other and you roll your eyes, you assume he does the same. Either way Dave recaptchalogs his shitty swords to appease Karkat. You would/did do the same. While you love Karkat his rants about it wouldn’t be worth the effort. He could go on for hours, you’ve definitely been on the receiving end of one such rant. Dave goes on to set up the rest of his stuff, he also brought a TV and gaming systems for the lounge. You are not very good at games, being high 24/7 isn’t very great for certain types of games. Karkat perks up when Dave mentions you can play movies on the gaming systems too. He sure loves his romcoms. 

You are about to tell Karkat that you are going to look for Tavros when he suddenly comes in looking quite disheveled.

“Whoa bro, what motherfuckin happened to get you all mussed up?” You can’t help but to be concerned for him, you have quite the flush crush on him. 

“U-uh yeah, just uh, fell down the stairs.. Twice.” He blushes embarrassed. He’s quite the clumsy motherfucker.

Dave mutters under his breath. “Told you about the stairs bro.” 

You’re not sure what that means but you are too focused on Tavros to care. You pick up his bags and carry them into the bedroom as he follows. You point out the bunk under yours as his. He smiles quite motherfucking adorably before he grabs his bags from you and starts unpacking. You can’t help but to watch him fondly as he sets up his bed. After making the bed he starts placing cute plushies on the bed. You smile a bit feeling your blood pusher melt even more for him. Karkat and Dave kind of give Tavros a look that makes you want to snarl at them. You close your eyes and count to ten, gotta get this anger shit under wraps. When you open your eyes Karkat is looking at you with a slightly confused expression, you smile at him to let him know you are just fine. Except of course your thinkpan kind of explodes with pain and you hiss gripping your head. 

“Motherfuck!”

You don’t remember sitting on the floor but there you are when you open your eyes. Karkat is crouched in front of you looking worried.

“Hey dumbfuck, you okay? Do you need something to help with the headache?”

You nod unable to speak as another strike of pain lances through your head. This is not how you wanted today to go. In fact you really weren’t expecting the whole withdrawal thing in general. You were under the impression it would be really simple. Not true at motherfucking all. You feel like a whole perigee has passed by the time Karkat returns with some pain killers and water. You eagerly swallow that shit up. 

“Maybe you should lie down dude.” 

You glare at Dave, your not sure why but his advice just pissed you off. He just shrugs nonchalantly and it pisses you off more. Before you say something stupid Karkat is shooshpapping you and you forget why you were angry. 

“Yeah you really should uh, take a break Gamzee.” Tavros stutters in that cute way of his. 

There is no way you can say no to that so you somewhat reluctantly climb up to your bed and burrow into your blankets with a sigh. Surprisingly you fall asleep.

You wake up a few hours later due to the fact that Karkat was shaking you and shouting in that way that he does.

“Wake the fuck up Gamzee. We are going to get lunch and I am not leaving you behind you malnourished fuck. Also if I have to listen to your snoring any longer I’m going to bash my brains out.” 

You grumble an apology still not quite fully awake. You really just want to go back to sleep but Karkat keeps insisting until you sit up. You yawn and hear a commotion coming from the lounge room. You assume all of your other friends have arrived and they are probably impatiently waiting on you. Karkat huffs as you take your time moving to climb down but suddenly you feel kind of dizzy and next thing you know you are on the floor. You groan in pain, you must have accidentally lurched to far forward when you got dizzy. You realize Karkat is talking to you sounding exasperated. 

“Well I hope that fucking woke you up. Why the fuck did you do that you prickish douchey waste of space!?”

“I assure you it was not on motherfuckin purpose, I got all sorts of dizzy.”

You mumble all of this while facedown on the floor, somehow Karkat hears all of it. 

“Probably because you haven’t eaten properly, well hurry up and get up so we can leave.” 

You manage to get yourself up and follow Karkat into the lounge. You see all of your friends kind of crammed all up in the room all talking and chattering. It kind of makes your head hurt again. Part of you wishes you could just rip out all of their ton-- not again. You gotta get that under control. No way could you ever hurt your friends. Vriska looks over at you. 

“Wow Makara you look like shit.”

“Wow really?” You reply sarcastically. 

Vriska looks taken aback at that. Not everyone knew that you were going sober so she probably assumed you were still doped up. 

“Uh, okay, wow, not what I was expecting you to say. Are you sober for once?” She comments. 

You nod tiredly, “and I’m gonna stay that way, sorry if I act all motherfuckin weird, not exactly used to this.”

She shrugs and nods, you assume that means she understands. You take a deep breath and try to think positively. You are not going to be any fun if you keep being such a grump. 

“Alright you shitfucking bitching wrigglerfucks, lets fucking go, I’m hungry and I am not going to wait on you any longer.” 

You smile at Karkat’s weird insult, he can be quite creative. You and the rest of the crew start following Karkat, some such as Vriska and Eridan complain about letting Karkat take the lead. They don’t really do anything though. You slow down to walk beside Tavros towards the back of the group. 

“Sorry about earlier Tavbro.”

“It’s uh, no problem Gam.” He smiles up at you. 

You can’t help but blush a bit. God that smile makes you weak in the knees. You look away and quickly change the subject. 

“Uh so are you excited to motherfuckin start classes and such?” 

He nods. “Yeah uh, It will be interesting to see how humans learn. It's so unfamiliar.” 

You nod in agreement. Though honestly you only came to this school, well, university apparently. You are not quite sure about school progression as you never had experience with it. But here you are taking essentially ‘Human Studies’. The reason most of your friends are taking is so that they can have an easier time at working on Earth and understanding human customs. You are just in it for the ride, following your friends as you tend to do. You never really thought that hard about the future before. I mean just a sweep ago your path had been chosen for you. Like all purple bloods your destiny was to be a subjuggulator. I mean if you weren’t culled for you addiction by then. But since Feferi became the reigning empress everything changed. Of course she was still here going to school with you, as empress her word is law so it’s not as though she has to do paperwork or anything really. She gets special treatment here of course but she just wants to be like everyone else still. 

You realize you have been lost in thought for a while and you glance over at Tavros. He was studying your face, a slight blush on his own but when you look at him he quickly looks away. You’re not sure what that was all about. Either way it looks like you guys have come to a stop at one of the ‘cafeterias’ as the humans call it. There are a few on the campus with different options at each apparently. You don’t particularly care, you don’t have much interest in food. For some reason everything tastes dull and unappetizing when compared to the sopor you used to consume. 

“Hey Gamzee, go save us a table.” Karkat says. 

You nod and oblige while everyone else goes to grab food. Karkat has been the one who picks out and decides what you eat. You have a hard time when it comes to choosing what to eat. You know you can’t rely on him forever but he seems to enjoy doing it at the moment. He likes to bring you a variety of food items to see if you will find one that you actually like. Maybe it’s like a challenge for him. You may also one day get more used to real food. Maybe even enjoy it. But right now you just try your best. After a few minutes your friends start to return to populate the table with their variety of food items. Some are familiar to you while others are not. This school has both common troll food items and human food items. Karkat comes to the table last carrying food for himself and for you. Karkat appears to have picked out a simple hamburger fry combo, something that Dave has mentioned before. Karkat tosses you a couple of granola bars, some water, and also a bowl of what you assume is some sort of human dessert. 

“Here.” He points to the bowl. “It’s called Apple pie, Dave suggested it.” 

You go ahead and open one of the granola bars and start eating it, you try not to notice some of your friends looking at you with what you assume is pity. You hope they get over it soon, your not one to enjoy anyone's pity spheres upon you. You finish the first granola bar relatively quickly and start on the second. When you bite into it you are quite surprised, It actually kind of tastes like something. Karkat notices your reaction.

“Oh, do you actually like one of them? That one has uh..” He leans over to read the label. “Peanut butter. I’ll keep that in mind, do you actually like it?”

“Yeah, I think so? Kind of motherfuckin surprised me really. It’s better than not tasting anything.”

Karkat looks pleased at that. While you finish the bar you kind of just listen to the chattering of your friends. You think it is quite pleasant that everyone is together and getting along. Sometimes it used to be a bit dicey between some of your friends but you think meeting Dave, John, Rose, and Jade really helped bring everyone together in a more healthy way. Karkat pauses his conversation with John and hands you one of his fries. You take it of course and pop it in your mouth. Doesn’t taste like anything. Looking at Karkat he’s back to talking with John. Sometimes you kinda feel a bit like a barkbeast with Karkat just randomly giving you pieces of his food. Oh well. You turn now to the bowl of this, ‘apple pie’ shit. It looks like some goop spilling out of flimsy pastry. You take a very tiny bite out of it. The gooeyness of it kind of reminds you of your favored slime but without the taste. It does have a slight taste to it but your not sure if you like it or not. Either way you are not one to waste shit so you go ahead and eat the rest of it.

 You open up the water and take a sip of it before reaching into your pocket and pulling out some pills. They are essentially ‘sopor pills’. It is what you are using to slowly wean yourself off of sopor. It doesn’t really give you the high you would like but it still definitely chills you the fuck out. You pop two pills in your mouth and take a swig of the water. Afterwards you put the pill bottle back into your pocket all safe like. It wouldn’t bode well for you to lose those. Karkat hands you a couple more fries that presumably he doesn’t want. You know you probably should refuse them honestly but you don’t. You can’t eat too much or it all comes right back up but you don’t think you’ve quite reached that threshold. Or at least you hope you haven’t. Some days are better than others but that is the reason you are very thin these days. You’ve always been on the skinny side but you’ve really had a hard time keeping weight on you now. But as Karkat says, it’s a work in progress. 

It takes you only a few more minutes before you realize you’ve fucked up. You feel the telltale signs that you are about to hurl your guts up. You jolt out of your chair and hastily head to the nearest ablution block, er, bathroom. Karkat curses behind you back at the table. You really hope he doesn’t follow you. You only barely make it into a stall before you are puking your lunch right back up into the toilet. You are glad you at least made it into the bathroom, would have been really shitty if you puked in front of all your friends. Especially Tavros, you would rather he didn’t see you like this. You hear someone come into the bathroom, unsurprisingly you hear Karkat.

“Gamzee? Are you ok?”

“Just peachy my invertebrother.” You sound the opposite of ‘just peachy’. 

You flush the toilet and just sit there for a little bit, just in case you have anything else left in you to puke up. Karkat patiently waits for you like the good moirail that he is. Once you are confident you won’t puke anymore you stand up and exit the stall. You see Karkat looking at you all concerned like. You immediately head to the sink to rinse out your mouth. When you look up into the mirror you see how you look. You look very haggard, your hair is a bit of a mess, you have bags under your eyes, and your clown makeup is all smeared and messed up now. You sigh and decide you ought to just clean the rest of the makeup off your face. You didn’t bring any white paint with you. When you clean off the makeup you feel almost naked. You are not used to being without it, especially in public. Your face looks foreign to you, it makes you feel a little uneasy. You turn back to Karkat. 

“You know you don’t look half bad without the whole clown getup right?”

“...makes me feel weird without it though. It’s like, motherfuckin me ya know?”

“No, I don’t know and I don’t think I will ever understand your weird clown religion or customs. Let's just get on back to everyone ok?”

“...actually are you ok if I just head back to the room? Not really feeling like seein any motherfuckers right now.”

“Oh, yeah Gamzee that’s fine. I get it.” he looks at you sympathetically. “Do you want me to come with you?”

You are about to say no but then, you really don’t want to be alone either. Plus you are not sure you can make your way back. “Uh, yeah if that is ok, don’t mean to fuck up your plans or anything.”

“Gamzee, you insufferable fucking douchecrumpet, you are a little more important then the rest of those dipshits.”

You smile a little at that. Karkat is very good at making you feel better. He takes you back to your guys’ dorm room thankfully avoiding notice of your friends. You sit on his bed while he grabs you another water from the fridge. Your throat feels raw so you happily drink the water, the cool fluid soothing your throat a bit. Karkat gestures for you to lie down and you obey. He lies next to you wrapping his arms around you. For being so prickly Karkat is actually a huge snuggler. He starts making a sound reminiscent to a purrbeast purring. It’s an instinctive calming mechanism which automatically soothes you. So much so that you start to drift off to sleep.