#i like the idea of her hitting rock bottom and choosing suicide for all the awful things she has done and what she is

[beevean]

In a less unjust world this would’ve been an ideal final confrontation between N!Hector and Carmilla/Lenore. Even funnier that it’s voiced by Crispin Freeman too.

https://youtu.be/lqfMfyDyo34?si=nXh1gVPiHyGYfyjQ

the absolute LOL I was suspecting that it was a Hellsing clip when I read Freeman 😂

(I want to close my eyes and imagine that Alucard here is a very, very pissed Hector lol)

"I'm a dog... then you're dog food" oh. oh I am swooning. Oh dog motif my beloved. The dog biting back <3 The cowering dog snarling and showing its teeth <3 only the kindest people earning its most undying loyalty <3 yes <3 this is what should have been <3

[telehxhtrash]

ok ok okok so i originally wanted to make a long ass post about it but im LAZY so im just gonna do a chill post about it

i don't believe Kurapika's character arc will lead him to his death.

Ok, maybe he WILL die. But not permanently at least.

I feel like Kurapika and Gon's stories mirror each other very closely, and if we follow that pattern, we can make some logical conclusions on what's gonna happen to Kurapika.

Kurapika is literally hitting rock bottom right now. He's on a boat with the phantom troupe, the man who has the last pair of eyes and potentially Pairo's head, and if the theories are true, the one true person responsible for the Kurta's massacre (Pariston - i'll let you read up on this theory if you're interested because it's amazing  - the fucking MOUSE EARS ON SHEILA i-)

Kurapika has also found at least 20 new different ways to die, one of them including taking years off his lifespan for revenge. Yup, fuck emperor time. Honestly, Kurapika is sinking so fast it's not even funny. And you know who that reminds me of ? Gon.

In CAA, Gon hit rock bottom. He was scared, he was weak, he had trauma, he was suicidal, he wanted revenge more than anything in his life, willing to throw his life away to avenge Kite. Gon gave up on his own life for the sole purpose of fulfilling his need to cope with the guilt he felt towards Kite's death. This whole mission was self-punishment. And so is Kurapika's. Kurapika feels survivor guilt, 100%. Why is he the only one alive ? Why did everyone have to die but him? The only thing he can do is resort to revenge. To try and ease this guilt he feels. Because he's alive, he's alone, he has no one else left. Like he said, he has no one and no home to return to.

And then, just when Kurapika thinks he can never have a home again, enters Woble. 

In Kurapika's darkness, after having further and further strayed from the light, Kurapika finds the one thing that's the furthest away from who he is right now : a literal baby. An innocent, pure, sweet baby, who has no idea how many hardships there are in life. Kurapika obviously wants to protect Woble, and we get a few panels that highlight the impact Woble has on Kurapika, and vice-versa.

In Kurapika's darkness, a sweet, innocent baby reaches out to him. Reminds him of simpler things, of happy emotions, of everything he wishes he could be. And I believe that's why Woble (and possibly Leorio too- since Leorio makes Kurapika calm, as he says) will be the one to save Kurapika from sinking completely into darkness. Just like Killua was Gon's light in his darkest moments, everything Woble represents will be what ultimately leads Kurapika to get his head out of the water, and to finally find a new purpose in life, finally moving on from the past and accepting a new, brighter future.

I could write THOUSANDS of meta on Woble but I'm gonna abbreviate to the most important things I read about her and that lead me to believe she is the one that's gonna help Kurapika get out of his self-destructive spiral. There's a lot of Bible symbolism in Succession War arc. Morena wears a crown of thorns, just like Jesus, but she's meant to represent the anti-christ and to embody everything Jesus opposes.

Tserriednich shares so similarities with Jesus, but ALSO doesn't represent him at all, he's the exact opposite of him. I'm literally quoting a post I read, but : Jesus: prodigy; turned water to wine; rose from the dead; warned his trusted apostle (Peter) that Peter would lie and betray him three times before the rooster crowed // Tserriednich: prodigy; turned water to putrid shit; rose from the dead; by proxy of his Beast, warned his trusted bodyguard (Theta) that she should not lie to him three times.

Finally, we got Chrollo, with his upside down cross, his 12 disciples and all the biblical symbolism surrounding him.

Those characters, associated with anti-christ symbolism, are all on the boat. But hey, if we got antichrist symbolism galore in this arc, then surely, there must be a character that symbolizes Jesus, right ? Yup, you guessed it. It's Woble.

Like I said before, Woble represents everything Kurapika is not : she's light, she's innocent, she's pure. 

And the fact that Kurapika meets and shares a bond with this character, who is surrounded by so much positive symbolism, right after he declares that "there is no home for me to return to.... and nobody to welcome me back. I have nothing else." is leading me to believe that Woble, in one way or another, will be the one that pulls out Kurapika from this darkness.

Kurapika's story arc would not end in tragedy, I don't think that's the message Togashi wants to convey through him, that when you chase negative emotions too much and focus on the past, you lose yourself so much that you eventually die. I think that Togashi's message would be somewhere along the lines of "Sometimes, you get lost trying to live in the past, and you let negative emotions fuel you. But when you think you have no purpose left, and that you've hit rock bottom, open your heart to others and you will be saved."

Because that's the thing that happened with Gon. Gon went through the same character arc, and he got lost but eventually brought back home by Killua. And I really believe that the same thing will happen to Kurapika. That Woble will give his life a new meaning, a reason to look forward to the future instead of clinging onto the past. And of course, it's gonna be painful. Because to see the light, Kurapika has to hit rock bottom first.

(lil parenthesis here : but i genuinely believe that kurapika will be put in a situation where he will eventually have to make the choice between retrieving the eyes, symbolizing his past, or protecting woble, representing his future. and ofc, he will choose woble, and thus his future, putting him on a path to recovery.)

THANK YOU FOR READING MY BRAINROT ONCE AGAIN

[astraeass]

[3] start once again;

[cross-posted in ao3 • fem reader]

Previous chapter

pairing: levi ackerman/reader

warnings: cursing, mentions of death

words: 2379

Summary:

you are finally able to choose regiment, but were you actually ready for what it awaits you?

"Yes! Another down, I’m in a fever streak!" Nile cheered with a big proud green adorning his sharp features that you wished you could rip it off his face. While he was celebrating his 5th deep cut in a wood titan dummy's nape you stood behind him, standing on a wide tree branch burning holes on his back and apparently he felt it, because he turned instantly, searching for the person who was practically planning for his death and after a while, he met your deadly gaze. His serious scowl turned into a smirk

"What happens [L/N]? Are you mad that you aren’t fast enough? The girl that had natural talent with the 3DMG is falling behind isn’t it?" You exactly knew what is he trying to do by bickering like that, and you didn’t want to fall for it, but your short-tempered behavior didn’t help at all in this situation "Shut the fuck up, Dok" You said lowly, and decided to move on. Aiming your grapple hooks to the next tree and firing when you saw that the hook gripped it well, then you activated your gas mechanism to reel forward and repeat the motion with nearby trees and branches till you found an uncommonly titan dummy without it's nape ripped of.

With determination replacing your fumed expression, you aimed towards the neck, unleashing your sharp blades from the stealths of the boxes that were situated in your tights, firing the hooks and activating the gas, making you to move towards where you aimed, you tightened the already hard grip in your blades positioning them in you to hands in a way that with a simple push of your arms plus some strength would cut the foam nape with easy, and that’s how you did. After that, you aimed and fired into a tree near you and landed with grace onto the tree's branch "Nice, that’s my 7th today" you murmured, thinking that no one would hear you, but the clapping you hear not far away make you turn around we’re you thought you heard the sound instantly.

"Good work [Y/N], you’re improving so fast!" When you turned around, you weren’t surprised seeing Erwin standing there with a proud smile in his lips, he was the origin of the claps, still your eyes widened. Not because of the older blond witnessing what could be your best 'titan kill' so far, but noticing that not far behind him, was Instructor Duvalier with an unreadable expression "That wasn’t bad, [L/N-" he said with his usual monotone both, but pride bubbled in your chest, trying to stop the grin forming in your own lips. Claude being aware of this, scoffed and crossed his arms "But don’t let your pride get you, the real shit is much different form that fucked and overused wood"

"Uh... um, yeah sure! Thank you so much, sir" you stuttered and bowed in front of him as a thank, but you weren’t aware of your closeness to the border and when you bowed, you lost your equilibrium making you fall meters down "Shit!" you rapidly reacted, turning around while falling and aimed at the bottom of the branch you stood seconds ago and fired just in time, because you felt the soft grass barely touching your back "[Y/N], are you okay?!" You heard Erwin shouting and not after towering your floating form. You were sure he could see your widened eyes and heavy panting "Yeah..."

Instructor Duvalier came soon and deeply sighed when seeing your state "Still as dumb fuck as ever, [L/N], if it weren’t for your surprisingly sharp reflects, I’m pretty sure that would have left a nasty as fuck wound" he said, his tone angry, but you could clearly see how hard he was trying to contain his laugh when seeing your condition and you got flustered and blushed hard in embarrassment, unleashing the hooks and falling back into the grass, letting a quiet "oof" and closing your eyes while sighing "You worried me there, [Y/N]... we’re choosing out regiment in a few months and you can’t make those silly mistakes in the half of your training with the scouts!"

Erwin scolded you, and you sat in the grass, palms plain in the ground, resting your body on them and looking everywhere but him, the scene was even more hilarious for Claude. It looked exactly like a big brother angry for his little sister safety after she tripped herself with a little rock at the side of the read because she wasn’t been watching where she was running and the whole situation warmed Claude's heart making he shake his head in disbelief with himself, these kids - adult kids - were making his cold behavior melt and that annoyed him "C'mon cadets, training will be over soon and both of you worked hard already" your little discussion with Erwin ended up as soon as you both heard Claude's rough voice and obeyed his order immediately "Yes, sir!"

;;

"Hands upon your hearts!"

"Yes, sir!"

Weeks turned into months, those months into exactly three years and now you stood with your fellow companions in front of various superiors of the military regiment, today’s is the day you’ll be choosing your military branch, and you are totally sure of which one you will be ending up joining to. Quiet murmur started to form around you, talking about how not long ago your instructor announced the top 10 graduates in your division, making your chest swell in pride unconsciously remembering your high position.

"For every trainee graduating today, three paths now open before you" said Duvalier, positioning himself in front of you all, the same way he did for the first day you all joined the training corps, it has a nostalgic feeling and for an unknown reason you don’t want to discover at all, it made you really nervous "The Garrison Regiment, charged with reinforcing the Walls and protecting the territory within them" This path was the usual for anyone who didn’t reach a position on the top ten trainees, you didn’t risk you life like a suicidal, through yourself outside the walls for an assured and cruel death, eaten by horrendous monsters.

Such a dumb idea for crazy people, just like you "The Scout Regiment, those who venture beyond the Safety of the walls into Titan territory" you noticed how everyone around went stiff after hearing the name of scout regiment, even some of them making comments about what you were thinking about just mere seconds ago, and that made you deeply sigh, but it didn’t matter, right know, your goal is your main mission "Most of you hope for the relative comfort of the Military Police Regiment, but only the top ten graduates are given luxury to choose serving the King by controlling the crowds and protecting order"

You didn’t know a lot about the Military Police Regiment, you only saw them doing their duty when you were younger, but for what you just heard, it sounds like the most boring shit ever, however, that place of comfort and security didn’t sound that bad "I will now announce the top ten graduates..." Oh, that sounds interesting, your vision was turning blurry, almost falling sleep while stood the only thing keeping you up was that memory from when you actually fell asleep in front of Claude while he was explaining, you grimaced when remembering the punishment ‘not again' "Step forward when your name is called"

"Number ten, Anna Schulz" A tall brunette girl with short hair and bright emerald orbs stepped forward, she seemed surprised, pupils widening and a big grin covering her face "Number nine, Elias Meyer" the next stepped out with hesitation, his expression showing confusion, like not even knowing why he deserved the ninth place, but he closed his hazel eyes tightly and gulped "Number eight, Leon Schulz" a boy - that actually looked way older than you - cheered lowly, but that didn’t stop Duvalier to send him a deadly glare, making the redhead instantly stop and bow as an apology.

Minutes passed, nothing interesting happened anymore and you started to get sleepy once again, that was until you heard your name being shouted out loud making you jump and direct your gaze at the person who did so "A-Ah... yes, sir?" Focusing your gaze to everyone around you again, you could see their different types of emotions they were sending to you, some of them were about to burst out of laughter - one of them Mike - some others with looks of pity and worry for yourself and another people uninterested.

"Cadet [L/N], one of these days you’ll die assassinated and not by a titan..." You heard Instructor Duvalier murmuring, but you were not too far away, he then glared at you with a letal glaze that made you pale and gulp in an instant "You’re the fifth cadet in the top ten trainees you dumbass" You blinked for a second, that turned into more seconds, jaw wide open, but composing yourself, you took a step forward and nodded in affirmation "M-My apologies, sir! I was a tad.. distracted" Duvalier just clicked his tongue and preferred to ignore your still sleepy status, walking back to his place.

Wait.

I... I made it to the top 10?

In sudden realization your eyes went widened in surprise just seconds after Instructor Duvalier walked away, you were beyond joyful, you thought you barely even grazed Anna, the tenth graduate. Unfortunately, you couldn’t demonstrate your happy self since everyone is in silence and tense waiting if their names are going to be mentioned, also if you started to jump and scream of excitement Claude wouldn’t take that well at all, less after he saw you almost sleeping - again - you barely payed attention to the next name, Marie, the only thought coming to your mind about the name was that girl Nile and Erwin had a crush on, or was that you guessed.

"Number three, Nile Dok" Your content stopped immediately ready to hit Nile if he planned to say anything stupid about how he stronger than you and shit like that. But it never came. Instead he looked kind of mad and about to snap, confusing you but then you remembered his rank and also his usual competition with a certain bright blond and connects all of the pieces. As far as you know, Erwin's name hasn’t been said, you couldn’t comment about it though since you were barely conscious of your surroundings mere minutes ago, however Nile's rea-

"Number two, Erwin Smith" Ah... there he is. The hour golden boy and reason why Nile is sending an infuriating look towards Erwin, the sigh is pretty amusing to you and would burst out of laugh if it wasn’t that Instructor Duvalier was glaring all of you like a hawk right now. So you just limited yourself to hold your chuckle down instead of risking your body to be used as titan bait while waiting for Claude to finish, you pretty much knew who left thought.

"And our top-ranking graduate, Mike Zacharias!" The dirty blond limited and only sent a smirk, like he knew he would reach up this point and step towards where everyone mentioned else were standing, you couldn’t do more but wait until Instructor Duvalier finished "That is the top ten. However, these results are based on scores during training..." Claude continued and started to approach all of us, more specifically between me and the sixth graduate that you noticed as the beautiful cold-headed Mary Suhc.

"Whether you can put your skills to use in an actual battle is another matter altogether. Those of you who didn’t rank should think long and hard..." Your instructor continued to walk towards, now meeting the glares of the rest of cadets that couldn’t make it to the top ten and you sighed in comfort, finally free of his deadly look "What can you do? What should you try to achieve?" Claude turned back to his spot in front of all of us, facing the large group with determination filling and hope filling his eyes.

"Tomorrow you’ll be asked which regiment you'd like to be assigned to!"

;;

You totally expected this.

Barely a small fraction of your division stood with you, in front of the Survey Corps Commander, Keith Shadis who just finished his discourse that was full of how dread, literally how few of us will survive our first expedition and that small amount wouldn’t probably last long neither, you also expected this type of warm welcome that you’ll forget after the first days of even harder training. The Commander had a look of understanding when most of the graduates walked away, but you couldn’t miss the slight ambience of disappointment surrounding him.

Other thing you did not miss was the light hope he had on his eyes, looking at how five of the ten top graduates decided to stay and recomposed himself, coughing with the intention of continuing "I welcome everyone here to the Survey Corps, this is a true salute. Offer up your hearts!" Keith said out loud with passion adorning his rough voice, sending a salute to all of you. Coping his gesture, the rest standing with saluted back shouting the familiar words as an answer, all of this made the Commander puff out his chest in proudness, not letting it show at all though.

"All of you have my utterly respect, let’s fight for humanity all together!"

Yes, this scenario was exactly what you recreated in your mind yesterday when you decided to join the scouts.

But you weren’t ready for what it came next.

You weren’t ready to see the Titans that close up in your first expedition, their hungry glare and awful aspect that almost made you stop in your tracks.

You weren’t ready to be the one last to see Mary alive, and stare at how her small body was devoured by these creatures without doing anything, you weren’t able to help, glued on your spot thanks to the fear running through your veins.

You weren’t ready to be one of the few people who remained alive of your assigned squad.

So this was survivors guilt, huh?

Next Chapter

[recentanimenews]

Junji Ito’s No Longer Human

Of all the famous works of literature to get the Classics Illustrated treatment, Osamu Dazai’s No Longer Human is an odd choice. Its protagonist is Oba Yozo, a tortured soul who never figures out how to be his authentic self in a society that places tremendous emphasis on hierarchy, self-restraint, and civility. Over the course of the novel, he seduces a string of women, gambles, binges, joins a Communist cell, attempts suicide, and succumbs to heroin addiction, all while donning the mask of “the farcical eccentric” to conceal his “melancholy” and “agitation” from the very people whose lives he ruins.

Though the novel is filled with incident, its unreliable narrator and relentless interiority make it difficult to effectively retell in a comic format, as Junji Ito’s adaptation demonstrates. Ito’s No Longer Human is largely faithful to the events of Dazai’s novel, but takes Dazai’s spare, haunting narrative and transforms it into a phantasmagoria of sex, drugs, and death. In his efforts to show us how Yozo feels, Ito leans so hard into grotesque, oddly literal imagery that the true horror of Yozo’s story is overshadowed by Ito’s artwork—a mistake, I think, as Ito’s drawings reduce the character’s existential crisis to nightmarish images, rather than help us understand what it means to be someone who exists, in Peter Selgin’s words, in a state of “complete dissociation… yet still capable of feeling.”

In Ito’s defense, it’s not hard to see what attracted him to Dazai’s text; Yozo’s narration is peppered with the kind of vivid analogies that, at first glance, seem ideally suited for a visual medium like comics. But a closer examination of the text reveals the extent to which these analogies are part of the narrator’s efforts to beguile the reader by suggesting that his mind is filled with such monstrous ideas that he cannot be expected to function like a normal person. There’s a tension between how Yozo describes his own reactions to the ordinary unpleasantness of interacting with other people, and how Yozo describes the impact of his behavior on other people—a point that Ito overlooks in choosing to flesh out some key events in the novel.

Nowhere is that more evident than in Yozo’s brief affair with Tsuneko, a destitute waitress. After hitting rock bottom financially and emotionally, Yozo persuades her to join him in a double suicide pact. Dazai’s summary of what happens is shocking in its brevity and matter-of-factness:

As I stood there hesitating, she got up and looked inside my wallet. ‘‘Is that all you have?” Her voice was innocent, but it cut me to the quick. It was painful as only the voice of the first woman I had ever loved could be painful. “Is that all?” No, even that suggested more money than I had — three copper coins don’t count as money at all. This was a humiliation more strange than any I had tasted before, a humiliation I could not live with. I suppose I had still not managed to extricate myself from the part of the rich man’s son. It was then I myself determined, this time as a reality, to kill myself.

We threw ourselves into the sea at Kamakura that night. She untied her sash, saying she had borrowed it from a friend at the cafe, and left it folded neatly on a rock. I removed my coat and put it in the same spot. We entered the water together.

She died. I was saved.

As Ito recounts this event, however, Tsuneko’s death is caused by a poison so painful to ingest that she collapses in a writhing heap, eyes bulging and tongue wagging as if she were in the throes of becoming a monster herself. Yozo’s reaction to the poison, by contrast, is to plunge into a hallucinatory state in which a parade of ghostly women mock and berate him, an artistic choice that suggests Yozo feels shame and guilt for his actions—and a reading of Dazai’s text that makes Yozo seem more deserving of sympathy than he does in Dazai’s novel:

Throughout this vignette, Yozo’s contempt for Tsuneko creeps into the narrative, even as he assures the reader that she was the first woman he truly loved. Yet Yozo’s disdain is palpable, as is evident in the way he off-handedly introduces her to the reader:

I was waiting at a sushi stall back of the Ginza for Tsuneko (that, as I recall, was her name, but the memory is too blurred for me to be sure: I am the sort of person who can forget even the name of the woman with whom he attempted suicide) to get off from work.

Only a few episodes capture the spirit of Dazai’s original novel, as when Yozo’s father gives an inept speech to a gathering of businessmen and community leaders. Ito skillfully cross-cuts between three separate conversations, allowing us to step into Yozo’s shoes as he eavesdrops on the attendees, servants, and family members, all of whom speak disparagingly about each other, and the speech. By pulling back the curtain on these conversations, Ito helps the reader appreciate the class and power differences among these groups, as well as revealing that this episode was a turning point for Yozo: the moment when he first realized that adults maintain certain masks in public that they discard in private. Though this discovery can be a painful one for children—one need only think of Holden Caulfield’s obsession with adult “phoniness”—this discovery plunges Yozo into a state of despair, as he cannot imagine how anyone reconciles their public and private selves in a truthful way.

Ito also wisely restores material from Dazai’s novel that other adaptors—most notably Usamaru Furuya—trimmed from their versions. In particular, Ito does an excellent job of exploring the dynamic between Yozo and his classmate Takeichi, the first person who sees through Yozo’s carefully orchestrated buffoonery:

Just when I had begun to relax my guard a bit, fairly confident that I had succeeded by now in concealing completely my true identity, I was stabbed in the back, quite unexpectedly. The assailant, like most people who stab in the back, bordered on being a simpleton — the puniest boy in the class, whose scrofulous face and floppy jacket with sleeves too long  for him was complemented by a total lack of proficiency in his studies and by such clumsiness in military drill and physical training that he was perpetually designated as an ‘‘onlooker.” Not surprisingly, I failed to recognize the need to be on my guard against him.

As one might guess from this passage, Yozo’s terror at being discovered is another critical juncture in the novel. “I felt as if I had seen the world before me burst in an instant into the raging flames of hell,” he reports, before embarking on a campaign to win Takeichi’s trust by “cloth[ing his] face in the gentle beguiling smile of the false Christian.” Though Ito can’t resist the temptation to draw an image of Yozo engulfed in hell fire, most of Yozo’s fear is conveyed in subtler ways: a wary glance at Takeichi, an extreme close-up of Yozo’s face, an awkwardly placed arm around Takeichi’s shoulder:

What happens next in Ito’s version of No Longer Human, however, is indicative of another problem with his adaptation: his decision to add new material. In Dazai’s novel, Takeichi simply disappears from the narrative when Yozo moves to Tokyo for college, but in Ito’s version, Yozo cruelly manipulates Takeichi into thinking that Yozo’s cousin Setchan is in love with him—a manipulation that ultimately leads to Takeichi’s humiliation and suicide. That violent death is followed by a gruesome murder, this time prompted by a love triangle involving Yozo, his “auntie,” and Setchan, who becomes pregnant with Yozo’s child. Neither of these episodes deepen our understanding of who Yozo really is; they simply add more examples of how manipulative and callous he can be, thus blunting the impact of the real tragedy that unfolds in the late stages of his story.

Ito’s most problematic addition, however, is Osamu Dazai himself. Ito replaces the novel’s original framing device with the events leading up to Dazai’s 1948 suicide, encouraging us to view No Longer Human as pure autobiography through reinforcing the parallels between Dazai’s life and Yozo’s. And while those parallels are striking, the juxtaposition of the author and his fictional alter ego ultimately distorts the meaning of the novel by suggesting that the story documents Dazai’s own unravelling. That’s certainly one way to interpret No Longer Human, but such an autobiographical reading misses Dazai’s broader themes about the burden of consciousness, the nature of self, and the difficulty of being a full, authentic, feeling person in modern society.

VIZ Media provided a review copy. You can read a brief preview at the VIZ website by clicking here. For additional perspectives on Junji Ito’s adaptation, see Serdar Yegulalp‘s excellent, in-depth review at Ganriki.org, Reuben Barron‘s review at CBR.com, and MinovskyArticle’s review at the VIZ Media website.

JUNJI ITO’S NO LONGER HUMAN • ORIGINAL NOVEL BY OSAMU DAZAI • BASED ON THE ENGLISH TRANSLATION BY DONALD KEENE • TRANSLATED AND ADAPTED BY JOCELYNE ALLEN • VIZ MEDIA • RATED M, FOR MATURE AUDIENCES • 616 pp.

By: Katherine Dacey

[darth-salem-emperor-of-earth]

Forgot to write this yesterday while @plushchimera and I were talking about WTNC and theorizing the plot while I also getting a flash of inspiration regarding my hunter’s, Chloe Vass, backstory. Mainly her history and relationships with her family, which was a rough and rocky road. So here goes nothing!

Chloe Vass’s real surname is Chloe Antall and I’ll get into the reason why changed her last name later. She’s a middle child, having an older and younger sister while growing up. Her older sister, Jie, was the rising star in the family the obvious favorite of their parents. After agreeing to become a Hunter, Jie ended up having a successful career as one, breaking many killing records in their hometown. Chloe’s parents were immensely prideful of Jie’s accomplishments, for the mother was an Enforcer who wanted at least one of her children to become a renowned Hunter (mainly to stick it to her magically talented father who did not approve her marrying a person with no magic in their bloodline and wanted her to marry a Witch). The father was a highly sought after and popular doctor who carried out some impressive surgeries and innovations during his career. So they expected a lot from their three daughters (they’re the type of people who are not pleased unless you give at least 100% or more. “You got a 94% on your test? What happened to the other 6%?”).

Chloe was inspired by Jie to become a Hunter too so she made sure to work hard in order to be considered for Hunter training at age 12. At this point in time, Jie is 17 and nearing the end of her Hunter education. The younger sister, Gulrukh, is closer to Chloe’s age--she was 10. Due to the wide gap in age, Chloe and Jie didn’t interact much or have a chance at a close relationship but they were cordial and helpful enough to each other. However, the parents tried to keep Chloe and Gulrukh away from Jie so they wouldn’t distract her from achieving perfection.

It soon became apparent to Chloe that nothing she ever did to impress her parents would ever be enough--all their praise went to Jie, and eventually, Gulrukh as well when she revealed to be a late blooming Witch and exhibited magic at age 11. 

Chloe got along most with her pirate aunt (sister of her father) and her aunt’s son, Kallias. Her aunt is one who ended giving her a pet parrot when she finished her Hunter training as a gift for all her hard work and achievements. Her parrot, Vayu, and Kallias were the only friends really had during her childhood and leading up to her adult life. 

When Chloe was 23, she received word that Jie was killed in action. Her parents were utterly distraught that their golden girl was gone for good and there was much fanfare at her funeral. Then abruptly, her parents pretended Jie was a thing of the past and focused solely on furthering Gulrukh’s career as a Witch, determining their youngest would be the best fit to fill in the void Jie left behind. However, Gulrukh already was known for starting jobs or projects and giving up out of boredom so she no focus or drive to her future. However, while she chaffed under the rules her parents placed on her to succeed, Chloe’s little sister absorbed all the attention and praise with avarice, letting it go to her head. Chloe started to notice how Gulrukh would slip off into the dead of the night after claiming “she was going to bed earlier” or “study for the rest of the night and didn’t want to be disturbed” and disappear for hours. Eventually, Chloe learned her sister was part of a cult that worshiped nonhumans. She tried to get her sister away from that life but she refused, saying she truly believed humans are the inferior race and threatened to ruin Chloe’s hunting career if she told their parents what she saw. Or at least, get their own parents to disown her because they would believe Gulrukh’s word over Chloe’s. 

While Chloe tried to figure out how to deal with Gulrukh’s insane ignorance that she knew would get her sister and others killed, she thought she saw her older sister Jie during a nightly patrol in the nearby woods. Turns out after doing digging about her sister’s body never being found (there were only traces of her blood and Hunter sash as evidence of her demise), Chloe suspected Jie was actually alive and her mother, an Enforcer, covered something up. Her suspicions were confirmed to be true when Jie approached her dead in the night, revealing herself to be a vampire. She was burnout and under such immense pressure by their parents and her superiors, feeling lost and adrift with no real raison d'etat. She completed committing suicide after her last hunt and nearly succeed if a nearby vampire, her sire, prevented her from completely dying and decided to turn her into a vampire so her life would not go waste. He sensed the loneliness in her soul, how much she burned and screamed to have say in her life and be completely free from the shackles her parents placed on her. Jie explained to Chloe she had to fake her death to prevent being hunted down by her fellow Hunters and spare her family the grief and pain of having a vampire for daughter and sister. Their mother first expected the worst and soon after, the same idea occurred to the father so they both decided to play along and pretend Jie was truly dead and move on with their lives. While she was happy to witness her perfect older sister finally beaming and feeling free, she did warn her that if her coven misbehaves, she will fulfill her duty as a Hunter. Jie nodded, smiling both sadly and proudly while replying, “I know you will. Deep down, you were the true Hunter, not me.” The two sisters parted ways amicably, albeit Chloe warned Jie about Gulrukh’s spiraling behavior in case the youngest sister learned the truth. 

And this where everything hits rock bottom for Chloe and her parents. Eventually, word gets out of Gulrukh’s anti human deeds because twice she had to be saved from a fey nest and there were rumors she was sheltering dangerous vampires who had an increasing body count of drained victims. Chloe’s parents tried to deny these accusations and claimed someone was slandering their precious darling but Chloe knew the truth: her younger sister was spoiled rotten and after learning what her parents craved from her, Gulrukh feigned the role of a dutiful daughter and promising Witch to cover up her true nature. She was thankless, thoughtless, refused to take responsibility for her actions, and after all these years, still acted like a child instead of the adult she was. She became addicted to the power and prestige magic brought and kept pushing the boundaries of what’s allowed, drawn to the allure of the forbidden. When Chloe and another hunter was sent to round up the cult members, they ended up bearing witness to an demon summoning ritual and Gulrukh was one of the ring leaders running the show. The ritual was interrupted and the cultists, some of them corrupt Witches like Gulrukh while others were brainwashed humans, retaliated. So many were either killed or captured, very little of them escaped--unfortunately, Chloe’s sister was one of those lucky few and since then, Chloe hasn’t forgiven herself for that mistake. Chloe’s mother wanted to suppress the knowledge that Gulrukh was part of a cult and try to keep her involvement under wraps but Chloe refused to let her sister get away from another punishment. Her mother made an ultimatum: either she’ll help her preserve what remains of their family image and legacy or Chloe would cease to be an Antall. Chloe choose the latter and never looked back. Vayu did fly over to take a shit on her mother’s head (he tends to do that a lot to people he doesn’t like or wrong Chloe in some way). 

Once she was disowned, Chloe ended up being taken in by her understanding pirate aunt and her cousin, Kallias and taking on their surname of “Vass”. She continued her Hunter training and thanked the world for small favors when she didn’t have to worry about working with her mom or anyone in her circle. She covertly writes letters to her sister, Jie, to make sure she’s all right and her coven is still being a bunch of hermits who want to chill, sip drinks, bicker about books, and be left alone. She will also occasionally get letters from her grandpa on her mother’s side of the family, who regretted all the time he missed to get know his granddaughters when he and Chloe’s mother became estranged after her marriage to Chloe’s father. They have a slow but gradual comfortable bond where he’ll tell her funny jokes or anecdotes or give her some good life advice while she sends him pressed flowers and rocks from all her travels (he likes collecting those two things) and offers him security advice when it comes to protecting his home from nonhumans. 

When she is given the assignment to travel to the small, sleepy but terrorized town of Lunaris, Chloe is 28. She and Vayu are eager for a change of scenery but wonder what sort of danger they wittingly walking themselves into. 

[crazylifebyme-blog1]

The Rollercoaster

This is my journey in life where i felt like it was the end of my life. I talk about a heavy point in my childhood that molded me to become the best person I am today. My message in this memoir is to never give up and to always be grateful for what you have.

Alex Schacter wrote a poem called “Life Is Like A Roller Coaster”. Life is crazy, one moment you are happy and then out of nowhere something tragic can happen and ruin your mood. People at one point would hit rock bottom and think it is going to stay like that.

At four years old I was introduced to soccer, which I ended up falling in love to the point some would call obsessive. I was a top player from age’s six to eight. I was in my happiest time in life just embarrassing players and being able to take my team to the finals but tragically losing them in penalty shoot outs. Even though we lost I never put my head down and quit. I loved the sport so much I trained everyday just to get better. Every time I was playing soccer I felt joy and I always had a smile on my face. It was all fun and games until a horrific September morning. I have woken up on a Sunday morning ready to start the day off. I jump out the bed and feel an abdominal tenderness on my right ankle, so I jumped back in bed with waves of pain going through my leg. I called my parents to come quickly and they noticed that it was swollen. We went to the hospital to see what was wrong. The doctors came back with the results saying that I might have a tumor there and that I should get taken to Texas Children Hospital. While I was at Texas Children, they ran many tests to check the diagnosis. After waiting on the result, the doctor walked in the room with a gloomy face, but I did not want to think of any negative ideas. The doctor said a few things about my health; “you are very healthy, overall,” he observed – but then came the tough part of his results. She said that I had Ewing Sarcoma (it is a type of cancer where it forms between the bone and muscle.) It was just my mom and I who went to the doctors that day and once I heard the news my heart dropped. I could feel my mom very broken inside when she heard it too. She started to cry because her only son got diagnosed with cancer. I did not cry at first with hearing news but I started to break down when I saw my mom’s pain. I told her everything is going to be fine. I convinced myself that nothing more than being told I had cancer was going to happen. Days later I went back to the hospital to get told more news. I met with the doctor and he started to tell me that I only had two choices for a solution dealing with my leg. My first option was to do a laser treatment that will stop the cancer, but the down side of it is that my leg would stop growing and there is a higher chance for the cancer to come back. The second option was my leg could get amputated, the cancer would go away and that there is a small percentage that the cancer could come back. Mind you that I was an eight year old getting tossed at with two huge options. I looked at my parents first so they could help me out choosing with decision seems better. My parents told me that I am the only one that has to choose it myself because it is my body. The decision with my leg can only affect me so that’s why they did not want to get involved. The doctor told us that I have a couple of days to choose, but within those minutes that I was standing thinking of those options, I imagined both sides and the only option that was best for everyone was to get my leg amputated. When I answered the question, the doctor was surprised that it was answered rapidly. Whenever I had the surgery done I was in disbelief because I did not have half of my right leg no more. My biggest worry was about me not being able to play soccer and that is when I asked the doctor if I was able to play again. They told me I would be able to play with a prosthetic leg but it would take long to be used to it. After I knew that I was able to play again I felt motivated to get back on my feet. It took me about four month to be able to run but it took me longer to be able to play soccer like I wanted to play. In my life I felt like it was over because soccer was my life back then but when I was able to play soccer again with my prosthetic leg I was grateful to God and rejoiced in life for being able to play the sport I love. Whenever I was in the sixth grade I was still working on getting better in soccer. I was struggling whenever I attempted to run because I was having pain in the stump of my amputated leg (or as I refer to it “Little Leg”). It took about two appointments for my doctors to fully help me out, so I could have been able to run. When I was at the prosthetic doctor and they gave me socks to help the with pain in the stump. The second choice I could have used is a gel that was in a circular shape which made it possible for my little leg to not make contact with my sleeve whenever I would step. I ended up using both because my leg actually felt like I was stepping on clouds. The next day I went with my dad to his job, so he could get some papers, but I was actually waiting outside for him and just trying to get better at running. On my third try I was able to run like a “normal” person, which got me very lighthearted. My dad came out of the building and I eagerly went up to him and exclaimed “watch what I am about to do”, I started up how a track star starts before they start a race and I zoomed from the other side of the parking lot and back. He was very impressed whenever I got back because that was my first sprint I did. I was not as fast for the first sprint that I did but that run gave me hope for my future. My dad was my soccer coach and i felt proud of that because i know he would give me playing time. When I first came back to my soccer team, whom I’ve played with for five years, my teammates congratulated me for beating cancer and welcomed me back. I was not able to play like how I used to play, so I did not become a starter right off the bat. I gave my all every practice like there was no tomorrow, that didn’t discourage me it only let me work harder. At the beginning I only worked out, so I could get in shape before working on perfecting my moves.  After I worked hard enough that I started getting my desired goal of weight and skill levels, I got the opportunity to start on the games. In a soccer match the players from the rival team were attacking in my side of the field. They used a technique called "Tiki Taka", which means that players touch the ball one time to eachother. They passed me up thinking they left me beind but i hustled my way back to them and retrieved the ball. Whenever i got the ball it felt amazing to fly through the field with it. The chemistry my team and I had made us unstoppable that no team could beat us. Our practices were us running a couple laps, doing suicides, drills, and etc. Sometimes I remember how  The best part of practice was whenever we scrimmaged because that is when we showed our true chemistry. Whenever we played eleven versus eleven, and when each team got the ball we did plays that left everyone fascinated. A man that directed a park in Katy, Texas invited my dad and the team to go play at his park because he wanted to see if my team was talented enough to do well in that league.   Whenever we got to the park for our first game we saw how the fields in the park were so beautiful and green. A half of the field that was closer to the forest gave out cold wind which made it a really fantastic temperature to play. I saw one of my teammate who was really skilled at soccer play, it gave me joy because he was embarrassing opponents, but it also brought me down because i used to play like that and i wished that i had both of my legs to show others my true skill. Before i got amputated and still had both of my legs i would make players and their parents mad, they always tried to foul me because i was really fast and nobody could not really catch up to me. I wasn’t cocky in soccer because my thoughts of the beautiful game is that we play as a team. I used to make plays and help others score goals. I have also helped the opponent whenever i tried to header the ball out but I accidentally hit is backwards, which made the ball go over the goal keeper and bounced in.

In my eighth grade year, my great defending skills gave me the chance to impress the high school coach. He acknowledged that i was big and tall, so he invited me in a high school friendly game. The day of the soccer game i was really nervous because it was my chance to prove what i got and possibly secure a spot in varsity the year after that. When the game started the ball came directly to me, and that is when i froze for a second and gathered my thoughts to play my best. The opposing team was the best team in their district, which quite frankly had me on the edge. I used my body strength to stop the players and used my head to quickly start a play to score. At the end of the game the coach came up to me and told me, “I am impressed on how you play, I hope to see you in the field next year.” My heart increased rapidly whenever i heard those words, I got motivated to train harder and get better because high school soccer was a different type. Whenever I pictured high school soccer I pictured like professional players. One because the high schoolers are bigger than me and supposedly stronger. Reason two was because whenever i saw the guys play, i felt intimidated on how pristine the passes were and how fast you had to be, so you are able to catch up to the opposing players. When i told my dad that i had a big opportunity to make it varsity high school, he felt so proud of me because his son that had cancer is doing great accomplishments in his life. I asked him if he could help me train harder and try to get better with my passing and skills. In my mind i just kept playing out on how i wanted to play, which was stopping every forward. I also imagined that once i took the ball away from the player, I would take the ball and juke people from the other team and then make a play that ends up being a goal. I felt so much joy when i thought about being in varsity because it is rare that a freshman makes it to varsity. The thing that made me feel so proud of myself was that I acknowledged how I had a prosthetic leg and I gave my all to be in the position i am in. I always wanted to motivate people, and i love to see people do great in life because if one quits a thing in life then they would not be able to see the amazingness and pleasure of going through all the way. With my outside of school teammates I never let them down, I always tried to do my best and if I messed up on something then i try to fix it and learn from how I messed up. That’s how it was in the summer whenever my dad and I started to train. I kept getting frustrated with myself and I hate failing at things because it makes me feel like I’m not good enough. I had to keep reminding myself that I had time to do better and that I am able to get better and get the spot I want. I did not let anything nor anyone stop me from getting better.My head was in the game mode until try outs because i really wanted to show my coach what i had in me. I wanted to show my coach that i would not fail him. Whenever try outs came I felt confident in myself because of all the hard work i put in. Once i saw the previous varsity players an overwhelming chill came into my body and it had me thinking, “man they’re much more experienced than me.” Then when we started to scrimmage i felt like that was my time to shine. I felt like I had finally got to the point where I could show my teammates that just because I have a prosthetic leg I was going to not keep up with them. I did a couple good plays that left my coach impressed. The only reason I knew he was impressed with my playing was because I constantly lurked over to him to see if he took notes or liked how I did.

[bang-me-bangtan-style]

 CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER1 | CHAPTER2 | CHAPTER3 | CHAPTER4 | CHAPTER5 | CHAPTER6 | CHAPTER7 | CHAPTER8 | CHAPTER9 | CHAPTER10 | CHAPTER11 | CHAPTER12 | 

WORD COUNT:3068

ANA POV more tragic flash backs

I don't think you would ever understand, or even try to understand. Unless you went through it. The pain and love I've felt over these last few years were like a blur. Only because I've tried to Shut most of it out and pretend it wasn’t happening, along with my thoughts of Sehun. And recently I have realized that   it never permanently goes away. It always comes back. To creep up of what you tried to Shut out, and I hate it. I just plain hated it.

Sehun never deserve none of this. Hell he didn't deserve anything but the best, but I gave him the worst. There was No doubt that that I know how he felt when I treated him the way I did. But as always   I thought of my own self I didn't care about his feelings only my own. It was the only thing just to help me sleep at night. because if not, then all I thought about was how wrong I was for being in love with him.

I would prey someday I would get better, someday I would make it though you know, but that didn't seem like it would happen as I would always have these thoughts of destruction, tearing me down and back to Sehun.  No matter how hard I would try, Sehun was who I was utterly stupidly in love with. And it wouldn't change, no matter how hard I would try.no matter who I threw myself at.

 And so, I came up with the idea: Maybe if I taught myself to hate him than maybe I wouldn't love him any more you know? And so, that's what I did. Four straight years it has been since I've done this and do you want to know the progress? Nothing, I still fucking love him the Same as before, maybe even more. why am I still treating him this way? Because it would be a fucking hassle to life, to just wake up one day and suddenly care! When you’re so into a routine, a habit, an addiction it’s hard to fucking stop. I wish I could stop. Seeing him this way make me want to stop, but could I? Would I? It’s been going on for to damn long for me and try to take things back to how they were. And if I did, Sehun would ask so many questions that I wasn't ready for!

 So Yeah, it's not easy or will it ever be easy. Shit. I hate this, I hate it so much. What am I to do with life. Continue to hide, hide this forbidding secret and go on with life. No honestly, I don't think I'm going to last any longer I mean I almost just cracked to luhan because it was being to be too much again. I'm cracking, I'm breaking, and soon it's going to come out whether it's from my mouth or someone else's, that is if they find out without me telling them. Nobody knows this but me. And I would like to keep it that way. But these days I have not one Clue as to what’s going to happen it the future. Really this time it's unknown to me. Just like the future it’s supposed to be. Instead of me trying to create it

 A few years ago

 Finally, Sehun would leave me alone about hanging with his friends I had found new ones. My own crew. Someone to hang out with me without me feeling as if I might burst under the company of one of them. I mean it was good that I had my own friends and Sehun had his. I didn't feel as if at any moment, I would suffocate and die, because now that Sehun wasn't around 24/7, I could breath. I could finally breath.

 I could tell that Sehun didn't like that fact that I was hanging with guys. But not his guy friends. He didn't understand the difference.  It only leads him to believe that I hated him. Which wasn't true but it was best if uncorrected. he didn't never need to know and I didn't need to tell.it was best that way.

 We would walk around in the house like strangers. Like we came into the world in different days. Like we never shared the Same womb, or the Same mom, we had really hit rock bottom then. We didn't know another anymore. And we couldn't recognize one another either. And again, it was best that way.

 "Sehun, are you and Ana mad at another or something? You to seem a Little off?" Mom had asked Sehun at the dinner table and I had snapped my head up at his reply. I glared at him and he glared back. If he said something that would make things worse and piss me off..." ani, we just don't hang out as much. Ana has found new friends so we aren’t as close but I still love her and want to hang with her. But I understand. It was bound to happen right Ana." He smiled. And fuck was it fake. But mom didn't notice neither would dad. They were so oblivious, I’m surprised they noticed this much.

 "Right. " I said with the fake-ist smile I could plaster. "Oh, I'm so sad yebo our twins aren't as close as they were, but I'm happy you guys are finding yourself I never thought you two would separate, but it's a good thing my adults." Your mother said emotionally.  But if she only knew, if she only knew.

I felt like I needed to throw up having the attention on me and sehun's relationship. I looked at sehun who was looking at his food. Pushing his fork around. He was done eating but he didn’t want to be rude and get up. We hardly spend time with our parents as is.

He looked up and met my eyes and we just stared as our mom went on and on about us having to grow up and how she remembers when… I looked away not because I couldn’t handle it but because I didn’t want our mom to ask what my problem was. Sehun kept staring at me though. I ignored him and I ignored our mom as she went on about me and his close used to be relationship. Eating slowly but surley.

  ***

"Your welcome." Sehun said as he passed me up on the stairs."

us both got to the top and stood in the area of the middle of the hallway.

"For what?"  you rolled your eyes.

"For lying for you. We both know you hate me, and don't want to be around me he said with an sadness in his voice but then it disappeared. This was the first time he addressed or relationship as 'I know you HATE me'  thing , and it never eneded there, from here on out he would go on and on in the future about it

"Just be thankful okay because next time I won't help you." he said harshly.

"I don't need you to fucking help me Sehun." I said becoming angered by his cockiness getting in his fac quickly. "And I do fucking hate you. I...I... wish you weren't my brother I wish you weren't here." And that there was the first time I pushed out the hate to him to cover up my insecurities. “the hate love” indicating I really didn't want him around. That was the first time I wished him dead. And I would never forget the hurt and sadness on his face. That is also where the real pain began.

 Since that day we would fight nonstop and I would say as much hurtful things to hurt him, again just to make me feel better about myself. Because I just didn't want to except that I was in love with someone who I could never have. It just dawned on me that I was to rid of these feelings. I didn't want to feel like this. And it had me depressed. But just like everything else, I hid that as well. And soon I was full of secrets. And I bet if you shook me some of them could fall out. But I would try and hold them all in my arms to my grave.

***

And then this day came…..

"Hey noona how come you never talk to your brother." that day had come. People were realizing the Oh twins weren't close anymore and they were curious. And so, I had to tell them. How was I to reply to such a straight forward question?

 At that moment, all six eyes we on me. We were at Luhan’s house it becoming the hangout spot automatically. A few months after winter break was over and luhan figured out that I was a twin and the boys figure it out not to long ago too. Since he got in our group his house was the house we would Always stay and hang out at after school since He's the only one whose parents weren't living with them. (They were back in China.)

 "Ummm we had a big fight and since then we kind of finally separated from that attached at the hip thing. So Yeah..." you said not really lying. But it was just your fault. But they didn't need to know all the details.

 "Oh well I'm not close with my brother either." Said luhan.

 "It’s okay things happen." lay said.

 "Mabey, you guys could get close again." Suggested Xiumin.

"Yeah...." you said. But little did he know that was the last thing you wanted.

 *end of flash back*

 "How is he doing?" Baekhyun said through the phone. It was the next day and you had just woken up next to Sehun in the chair next to his bed. "He is doing fine." You said looking over to his sleeping frame. "Okay well I got to go class is going to start I'll try and collect all your homework. Anyeong. "

 Luhan had went to school so you stayed overnight by yourself. And you told both boys to not say a word to anyone if they ask where you both were it was just none of their business.

 Your looked over to a sleeping sehun. Him being hooked to all these machines killed you.

 7:15am

 The time said. Ah. You needed to get some sleep. Hopefully when you woke Sehun would be up.

 Just as you were about to drift to sleep your phone started buzzing.

 °°°°°°°mom calling°°°°°°°

 Great.

 You quickly got up and stopped outside Sehuns door.

"여버세여?" You  answered. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!" Your mother who was furious on the other line screamed at you. She screamed so loud you knew that the nurses station could hear you.them looking at you concerned. So you quickly went down the hall and pushed the door button and entered the main hallways of the hospital. "Oma, he is fine n-"

 "No what is wrong with my baby Ana what happened?!" Let's face it there was No way getting around this. This was her favorite son "Oma your son, he tried to kill himself." Instantly you started to cry. Oma whatever you do don't be mad at him. Obviously...." your tried to choose your words carefully. "Obviously, he has his reasons he n-"

 "No! He has no reasons. Suicides Ana, that doesn't have a reason. There should never be an optional route! " she screamed in the phone."

 Yeah, your mother was really harsh with her words. But she believed that suicide was an cowardly way out and she didn't want to think that her son would do such a thing. Her favorite son who had so much going for him. The one who should be the happiest in life.

 "Ana please tell me this is joke. A really sick one. I can't imagine my sehun-ah doing this." And there it was. Now she was crying. It had finally hit her that Yeah, her sehun had done the impossible. Which was possible. But in her mind, it wasn't.

 "Yebo,give me the phone." Your father said in the background.

"No she said." Crying so hard now.

"Now." He sternly said.

You could hear your mother breaking down and it brought more tears to your eyes.

"Ana I don't know what happened but why weren't you watching your brother!" He said as if he was your responsibility. "Why and how was he to do this if you and your brother were in the Same house. Why didn't you check on him?... " he just kept going on and on. Blaming you for everything. On and on he went and you had zoned out. This wasn't something that was needed for you. you had blamed yourself all the time but hearing it from an actual person made you feel like the worst piece of shit. Your inner demons inviting them with open arms.

 "And if you weren't hanging with all those boys and actually by your brother’s side Maybe you could of prevented this!" He harshly said. There was a long pause and your mother was still in the background crying. So were you but silently. "Listen honey I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I'm just sorry. Please be waiting for us we are on the way to the airport. I love your bye." And the line went dead.

And you just sat there. Feeling as dead as the phone line.

 ***

You couldn't sleep at all after this. Your heart had been stabbed at the point of No return. You didn't know what your parents were thinking of doing for the next step. You wouldn't know until they arrived tomorrow.  Sehun was to wake up today according to the doctor. And you kept on thinking of what you would say. Because you didn't know what to say to Sehun. What do you say to someone who committed suicide because of you?

There are no words to describe or be said.

 ***

"Ana..." you heard it but it was very faint. You had finally drifted to sleep because of drowsiness. Then you heard beeping noises. Your eyes shot open and you see Sehun with his eyes open. The doctors rushed in.

"Ah okay I thought something was wrong.” The doctor said as they looked over at sehun machines.

You looked around confused. And you thought about it for a second.

“He pushed the call light, we thought it was you who did it. "the nurse said

You looked at Sehun and in his hand, was the call light.

"Oh." Was all you could say you face started to heat up as Sehun had his eyes on you. The doctor and his crew went out and a nurse stayed back to make sure he was okay. Then she left and well....now you were alone.

 Silence. Dead silence. You wouldn't look you at him but you could feel him glaring at you. You both were back to square one. Whilst you were sadly still stuck on mission two. When could this end.

 "Get out." He said. You head snapped up and you looked at him like he was insane. "I said get out." He repeated. You couldn't believe it so much that disbelief was written all over your face. "Sehun." He became angry and going didn't know what to do. why was his deal. "I don't want you here Ana." He said. "Why Sehun, what did I do." He laughed but he was still serious. "I don't want anyone who doesn't give a Shit about me here." He angrily said. You were speechless but that doesn't mean that this statement was true. You care for him, more than you should. But he didn't need to know.

 "So just get out." He said. "You hesitated, but you got up to grant his wish. "Also, move out, do something, I don't want you at home." You froze in place. Really? This was how it was going to be, really? You turned around to give that bastard a piece of your mind. At that point you didn't care if he was sick in the hospital.

 "I don't?!" You yelled. He looked shocked at your sudden outburst. And you could tell that he didn't expect for this to happen. You were now as close as possible over the edge of the hospital bed in his face. "I care Sehun." You sternly said. He looked at you with an annoyed face. He stained you down and when he realized you weren't going to back down he said. "Really? Then prove it."

 At this point this was a now or never moment. You had No time to think and everyone know what happens when you don't think. You react. And at that moment your reaction to his statement was...a kiss. You kissed him so hard and passionately that Sehun didn't know how to respond. But when he did. He didn't push you away, instead he grabbed you closer and he shoved his tongue in your mouth. It went on for At least a minute, until you realized how out of hand you had gotten.

 You covered you mouth with your hand. "Sehun, I'm sorry I didn’t." he had a shocked look on his face as well. He was just as surprised as you were. You started to tear up. You felt so guilty never in a million years was you supposed to let your feelings out like that and initiate a kiss.

 No of you were drunk or high as a kite. Matter of face you both were down on earth, both feet on the ground. So, every feeling in that kiss was real. What was this? Did Sehun really truly speak his feelings last night. When you thought, it was because he was high? Was it really that the truth had come out? Were you standing there and him sitting there in that bed, both of you staring at another shocked a result of the fact of the matter? What did matter? Other than your secret had may been reviled because of that stupid decision you just made.

 "Ana what was that?" He whispered.

Still shocked. "I..." you didn't know what to say....

what should you say in a situation like this?

[nyranfoyle-blog]

The Diary of Chloe R——-

Editor’s Note:

The following is a series of diary entries written in the Fall of 2017 by Chloe R——-. The last entry is dated one day before her death, which occurred on the occasion of her thirteenth birthday, November 27, 2017. All names and identifying information have been omitted or altered out of respect for the R——- family’s privacy. This document is for educational purposes only.

***

September the first,

If the definition of insanity were a sincere belief in the supernatural our world will be one monumental mad house. And it’s not like I’m ruling that out, but if we use the standards forwarded by the medical and cultural authorities of our time only a tiny minority would qualify as insane. Today the doctors came over. Usually we go to them, but these were special circumstances. They informed me in clear, unmistakable language that I am a certified member of the aforementioned minority. In my excitement I forgot to ask for a subscription to the newsletter.

More soon,

Chloe

September the fifth,

I did a little experiment. For seventy-two hours I acted as if the diagnosis our doctors gave me was the gospel truth. I exercised my (long neglected) capacity for faith. It occurred to me that if insanity could explain Harriet’s presence I should give it a chance. I had to second-guess my assumption that the answer I preferred was the objective truth. The experiment was and wasn’t useful. I became more sure of my sureness about my state of being. I am not insane.

September the ninth,

Harriet agrees with me about my sanity, of course. I know in the way I always know. No matter how much hell I raise she won’t open her mouth to speak. Maybe it was spite motivated her unchangeable resolution to communicate with me through the Tele Path, I don’t know. It was blue today, and it glowed especially bright. How thoughtful, Harriet. You’ve upended my life entire, but you want me to feel your sympathy. Meanwhile I was fantasizing about stabbing you in the face. Maybe I would have tried, but the last thing I need is more bad luck.

More soon,

Chloe

September the fifteenth,

Alex had his birthday party this afternoon. Somehow Mimi and Papa found out, and they were preposterously reverential to me all day to make me feel better. Mimi was delighted when her treacherous network of spies informed her that Alex cried and punched a hole in his baseball-themed birthday cake on account of my absence. Why would I care? Mimi and Papa’s assumption that because the big things are going wrong the little things are especially important makes no sense. Could it be that they’ve given up on their sickly orphan granddaughter? And now that they’ve forfeited the only fight that matters they are trying to gaslight me by focusing on matters entirely meaningless? Even for me that’s dark. No, the only acceptable explanation is they just don’t understand. I have no room for Alex in my mind right now. I need to keep my eye on the ball.

More soon,

Chloe

September the twenty-sixth,

We’ve been haggling for days on end. I hardly sleep. Somehow I’ve lost more weight. Where did it come from? Did I shed an internal organ? It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Negotiations are hopeless. Harriet and Chloe. Israelis and Palestinians. That is if the Israelis were constantly trying to convince the Palestinians they were star-crossed lovers, not mortal enemies, whilst continuing apace with their occupation of the West Bank (I wrote that for illustration purposes only, I have no idea what’s really happening in the Middle East, none of my affair, none of my concern). Some wise person once said “no one loves the man whom he fears.” As true as that is for men and men, it goes double for girls and monsters.

More soon,

Chloe

September the thirtieth,

Another doctor today. Young. Female. We acted out our little play in the mirror. I have it down to the letter, and she didn’t do so bad for a first performance. I described every wild hair and stinking pore on Harriet’s twisted body while the Lady Doctor pretended to take notes. She was probably doing a crossword puzzle. Smug bitch.

More soon,

Chloe

October the ninth,

Try this on for size: a delusion is a delusion when only one person can see it, while a God is a God when no one ever has. Joseph Smith claimed he walked with Jesus, and to this day the prevailing wisdom outside the confines of his cult is that he was either a quack, or more likely a con man. Faith is willful self-delusion. If it comes anywhere close to reality believers get nervous, not excited. It’s like getting a valentine from a cute boy. If you open it, no matter what it says, it’s just a scrap of paper. This is why so many mothers suicide themselves after having babies. Whatever form it takes, reality is a letdown. The powerful have to protect their faith, so when someone introduces them to reality they break out the straitjacket.

More soon,

Chloe

October the sixteenth,

Lady Doctor. Back again. She wanted to watch me negotiate with Harriet. Okay. She sat crosslegged on the floor and squinted in a patronizing attempt to see the Tele Path. It was blood red. Harriet can be as mad as she wants. She can hiss, spit, snarl. Her mood isn’t going to make any difference. Neither will Lady Doctor, but she pretends to be very interested.

More soon,

Chloe

October the twenty-first,

Strange day. Lady Doctor. She must have asked me a hundred questions as I listened to her muffled voice from the Tele Path. I had to remind myself not to respond in a shout. At first it was the standard headshrinker routine. Is Superman real? That one never leaves the rotation. I guess they think it’s funny. In any case, Lady Doctor started asking about Mom and Dad. They were personalized questions, but I had heard them all before. They’ve long since cracked the case. My parents die and I respond by developing a dangerous imaginary friend. When I tell them Harriet entered the fold long before the fire they develop spontaneous hearing damage. At a certain point Lady Doctor’s questions shifted. It was subtle. I’m sorry about your family. Do you ever dream about them? Yes. Good dreams or nightmares? Good. Do you get nightmares? Pretty soon that was all we were talking about. I described every dream and every nightmare I could remember. Lady Doctor was very fixated on the Gray Woman. A recurring player in my subconscious. Sometimes she’s a witch. Sometimes she’s my mother. Sometimes she’s a trash can, I don’t know. Oddly enough, I couldn’t think of a single dream without her. None of this was particularly interesting to me, but it was to Lady Doctor, and more importantly, it was to Harriet. She feigned impatience, but this was something else. She was lashing out. Stalking back and forth like she had to pee. Gnashing her teeth furiously and cutting herself where the top fangs hit her bottom jaw. At one point it almost looked as if she was going to speak. I have no idea why she had this reaction. All I know for sure is tomorrow I’ll wake up bleeding.

More soon,

Chloe

November the tenth,

It wasn’t difficult to find a book on lucid dreaming. There were so many. The real challenge was choosing between them all. In the end I went with one that reads like a textbook. “Lucid Dreams” by Dr. Anthony Ford, phd. Mimi hovered over me like a vulture at the booksore. Thank God she doesn’t know about Amazon. I would’ve had to wait days. As it happened I was able to read the entire book before going to bed that night. I’ve had weeks of practice since then. I’m not a pro yet, but I’m getting there. Soon I’ll be able to find the Gray Woman. She’s been conspicuously scarce recently. Isn’t that something?

More soon,

Chloe

November the eighteenth,

I got the bitch. Without a word of warning I wrapped my hands around her wrinkled throat. She tried laughing, then pleading, then cursing, then crying. Guess if it worked, go ahead. There were eyes shining all around us in the dark. It felt like forever. I was squeezing as hard as I could, but I’m only small, after all. First the Gray Woman went purple, then she went limp. I let go a few minutes later, after I heard a loud pop. Her face was familiar, but I had never seen her in the material world. She was too real to be an invention. Just like Harriet. How could my mind conjure up something so complex? I studied her face and hands for a long time. One by one the prying eyes were disappearing. Show’s over, guys. I went back the next night and most of the Gray Woman was right where I left her. Something had done a very thorough job relieving her of her innards. She smelled horrendous, so I lit a match and burned her to a crisp. It was a beautiful fire. I’m almost sure there was green in it. Harriet hasn’t opened the Tele Path since. I guess she thinks the silent treatment is some sort of punishment. Whenever I catch a glimpse of her in a window or a drinking glass she has her back to me.

More soon,

Chloe

November the twenty-sixth,

Tomorrow is going to make me puke. I don’t know what Mimi and Papa have planned. The doctors and the lawyers decided months ago. As long as there were no more incidents I could stay home until after my birthday. In hindsight I wish I’d just ask them to take me in September. Why expend so much energy covering up the scratches? For a party? It’s something about girls. They love big occasions. Every Disney film is about some grand ball. Girls put on shows, they obsess over holidays. Almost like they’re trying to make up for something. Whatever it is, I never had it. I don’t like attention. Or parties. It’s not that I dislike people. I think I dislike noise. I’m going to ask Mimi and Papa to cancel their plans for tomorrow. It’s my birthday, I can be dark and brooding if I want to. I think I’ll to to D——- B——- on my own and climb the rock. It’s so quiet there. All you hear is the wind. It’s the best place in the world to pretend I’m alone.

More soon,

Chloe

***

Editor’s note:

The next day, November 26, Chloe R——- went missing. Her body was discovered ten days later at a local nature preserve. There were dozens of lashes and festering wounds on the face and torso. The entire body was bruised and battered. The throat was hanging by a thin strip of tissue. Medical examiners estimate she was clawed and beaten for at least an hour before succumbing to blood loss. Multiple forensics experts were invited to review the case. By universal agreement, Chloe R——-‘s death was deemed a suicide.

This document is the intellectual property of the University of Pennsylvania Psychology Department. It may not be reprinted or otherwise distributed without the written consent of the department chair.