#i like to think he overhears jasnah using it

[cosmerelists]

If Other Stormlight Characters Served as the King's Wit

As requested by anon. :)

"The King's Wit" is there to insult people in the king's stead. In this role, Hoid basically gets to stand at the entrance to feasts and make fun of people. It's a good gig for him. But what if other characters had this job?

1. The Stormfather

Stormfather (rumbling with displeasure): You have broken an oath today. Stormfather: You promised your son that you would play "Shattered Plains" with him this afternoon, but you did not. Stormfather: Though you feast for today, my storm winds shall one day scatter your dishonored bones. Elhokar (visibly sweating): Ha ha my new Wit sure is, ah, intense!

2. Kaladin

Kaladin: Ew. Another Lighteyes... Kaladin: Sniff, sniff! Smells like the exploitation of the powerless in here! Kaladin: I can name a dozen men better than you and guess what--they're ALL darkeyed. Kaladin: Nice outfit--did it come free with your ancestral privilege?  Elhokar (muttering to himself): I will not put him in jail again, I will not put him in jail again, I will not...

3. Shallan

Shallan: [sketching] Hapless Lighteyed guest: Is that...me? Shallan: It is! [shows Ideal Self portrait--it's the same person, only their sadness and distrust is gone and they shine with an earnest and honest light, looking out toward their future] Hapless Lighteyed Guest (visibly tearing up): I...It's beautiful. Shallan: Please, go ahead & take it! Elhokar: Shallan-Wit, why is everyone at my feast introspective and crying? Shallan: I'm really good at art.

4. Adolin

Adolin: Wow! You are so brave to put those colors together, and in a style from two years ago ago! Adolin: You are almost pulling it off. 

5. Dalinar

Dalinar: Hello. I could not help but overhear your heated argument, my friends. Dalinar: It reminds me of a tale from the Way of Kings, which I will now quote from memory... Dalinar: ... Dalinar: Aaaaand, they fled. Dalinar: That's the third time that's happened this evening.

6. Ialai

Ialai: [hands hapless lighteyed guest a folded-up sheet of paper] Hapless Lighteyed Guest: W-Where did you get this information about me? And my husband? And my...former boyfriend's sister's cousin? Ialai: [merely smiles] Hapless Lighteyed Guest: W-What do you want? Please! I'll do anything! Ialai: Why...nothing at all. Yet. Please enjoy the feast.

7. Lift

Lift: Mmmm....4. Lift: A solid 6! Lift: Perhaps a 5, but ONLY because of those pants. Lift: Wow! An 8! Wyndle: P-Please mistress, I don't think the job of the King's Wit is to rank the butts of all attendees! Lift: They need to know.

8. Jasnah

Hapless Lighteyed Guest: Ugh, I don't think it's right for the king to employ a heretic as his Wit! Jasnah: It's strange--one might think that your faith in the Almighty would inspire you to strive to be a good man, yet in reality your mother weeps each and every night to have produced a son who loves drinking and gambling more than he loves his children, his wife, or indeed the Almighty. Jasnah: Should you wish to inspire faith in others, perhaps you should try to demonstrate even the smallest reason why yours has produced an iota of good for anyone in this world aside from yourself. Elhokar (across the room, watching): I...am afraid.

9. Lopen

Lopen: Hey, I know you! I got a cousin in your army! Lopen: He always laughs 'bout how weird it is that your officers make the men pay for their own boots 'n' stuff 'cause it's an army not a charity, right? But then your officer son gets an allowance which is funny 'cause that kinda seems like the 'charity' thing that an army isn't! Lopen: We Herdazians tend to use a word to mean a thing, yeah? But you Alethi sure like to make a word mean whatever it is you want!

10. Szeth & Nightblood

Nightblood: Evil. Evil. Evil. Definitely evil. Big evil! Little evil, but still evil. Szeth: You've identified every guest so far as evil, sword-nimi. Nightbood: Yeah, I'm so good at detecting evil! So when does the slaying start? Szeth: I told you. I don't murder entire parties anymore. That is my past, but it does not have to be my future. Nightblood: But you're the King's Wit! You got wit-tle down the evil, right? Szeth: That is not what that means, sword-nimi. Nightblood: ... Szeth: ... Nightblood: People sure do speed up when they have to walk past us, huh? Szeth: I am pretty sure that means we're doing a good job.

[cosmerelists]

Top 10 Ways Shallan & Adolin might ask Kaladin out

[Previously--Shallan/Kaladin, Kaladin/Adolin, Shallan/Jasnah]

Sanderson has said that Shallan & Adolin would probably both be up for adding Kaladin to their relationship. So let’s say that Shallan & Adolin talked it over and decided that they wanted to jointly date Kaladin. Let’s rank the ways they might approach asking Kaladin out!

#10: Write a very persuasive letter 

This one was Shallan’s idea!

Shallan: This worked when I needed to convince Jasnah to take me on as a ward!

Shallan: We can point out how well the three of us would get on, how happy we’d all be, etc, etc.

Shallan: Logic! And Romance!

Adolin: Shallan...my love...he can’t read.

Adolin: Who’s going to read him that letter??

Shallan: We could...have Renarin scrawl vaguely foreboding glyphs on the wall? About, uh, dating us?

Adolin: Let’s keep brainstorming!

#9: Put the idea in his head right before he leaves for Shinovar

After all, Kaladin often needs time to mull things over for an entire book before he can make a decision. So why not ask at a time when he’ll be guaranteed to have the time and space to decide for himself?

Kaladin: Hey, Szeth, do you think it’s possible to love multiple people at once and by loved by them in turn?

Kaladin: It just feels like that’s too much good, you know?

Kaladin: Things that are too good haven’t lasted in my life.

Kaladin: But maybe it will be different, this time?

Szeth: I hear nothing but screams when I close my eyes.

Kaladin: Does your, uh, sword have any ideas?

#8: Nonstop flirting

This is how Adolin got all of his relationships before Shallan. It’s kinda a solid standby for him. But would it work on Kaladin...?

Shallan: Nice boots. Love to see them on my floor.

Kaladin: D-Don’t steal my boots again!

Adolin: Hey Kaladin, maybe you’d like to use your power to stick me somewhere. Like the bed?

Kaladin: That’s really more Lopen’s thing, but he likes walls.

Kaladin: ...

Kaladin: Wait, are you guys flirting with me?

Adolin: Have been for months, thanks for noticing.

#7: Go through Syl

Perhaps they could try talking to Syl first, to get her on their side. A nice, friendly entity to subtly introduce the idea of a throuple to Kaladin.

Syl: So you know how I’m articulate, beautiful, and perfect, right?

Kaladin: Uh, sure, Syl.

Syl: Well *I* just learned something that will blow your mind! Did you know that you can date two people AT ONCE?!

Kaladin: I can barely date one person at a time.

Syl: Yes, but what if they were both WAY better at dating than you?

Syl: And what if you already liked them both?

Syl: And if they allied with me, proving that they are also super smart?

Shallan (quietly, from a distance): We asked her to be subtle, right?

Adolin: Wait, wait, I want to see where this is going!

#6: Let him overhear

Sometimes Kaladin has trouble processing new & unexpected ideas, like retiring from a job that has left him barely functional or the idea that his men might one day get married. So perhaps Shallan and Adolin could “accidentally” let him overhear their plans, allowing him to learn the information in a nonthreatening manner!

Shallan: I am so happy with you, Adolin. But I do wonder if our relationship could become even richer, if it could evolve in a way that only makes us both even happier.

Adolin (immediately forgetting his lines) Y-Yes! We SHOULD date Kaladin!

Shallan: ...

Shallan: Well I suppose that works.

#5: More subtly introduce him to the idea first 

Or perhaps even the "let him ‘accidentally’ overhear” plan would be too much for Kaladin’s nerves. Perhaps it would be even better to let Kaladin get used to the idea of throuples in general first, and THEN suggest the specifics. And maybe Bridge 4 could help!

Sigzil: You know, there are cultures in which romantic relationships involve three people rather than two.

Kaladin: Huh!

Sigzil: Interesting, right?

Kaladin: Yeah, I guess so.

Sigzil (quietly): Mission accomplished. 

Kaladin: What was that?

Sigzil: N-Nothing!

#4: Just go on dates with him until he figures it out

Kaladin is a man of action. Perhaps Shallan & Adolin can just keep asking him to join them for dinner until he figures it out.

Adolin: Hey, dinner with me and Shallan tonight? My treat!

Kaladin: A-Again?! Aren’t you two tired of me being the third wheel?

Shallan: You know, three wheels are actually way more stable than two.

Kaladin: Yeah, fine, but we’re talking about dating, not, like, carts or whatever.

Shallan: ...

Adolin: ...

Kaladin: So...aren’t you two tired of me interrupting your dates?

Adolin: We were so close!

Kaladin: What?

Adolin: What?

#3: Something Dramatic

As we know, Kaladin is a Dramatic Lad. So what better way to ask him out than to do so in the most dramatic fashion possible? 

Adolin: So first we get him to fly up in the air, right? And he’ll look down to see Gallant marching at the head of a column of fully armored soldiers who will move around to spell out the glyphs for “Romance” and “Love.”

Shallan: Yes! And that’s when the chorus of women will start to sing the love song I had commissioned!

Adolin: It can’t possibly fail!

Shallan: He’s kinda afraid of horses, though.

Adolin: Yeah, maybe we’ll leave Gallant at home.

#2: Wait for a near-death experience

After all, Kaladin bonded with Shallan (and developed a bit of a crush) when they were trapped in the caverns during a highstorm. He bonded with Adolin when the two of them barely survived a fight against four shardbearers. So perhaps near-death experiences are just the most romantic time!

Kaladin: OH STORMFATHER THE THUNDERCLASTS ARE CRUSHING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE WE LOVE

Adolin: Soooo Kaladin, are you bisexual?

Shallan: And/or biromantic?

Kaladin: [screaming]

Shallan (muttering): I knew we should have gone with the ominous glyphs. 

#1: Just ask

Or, well, I suppose they could simply try asking him out directly. 

Adolin: You know, Kaladin, Shallan and I both love you deeply.

Shallan: Would you like to go out--with both of us?

Adolin: Like on a romantic, three-person date?

Shallan: Perhaps multiple times over the long-term until we all see if we like it?

Kaladin: ...

Kaladin: Well...I guess we could...try it?

Shallan & Adolin: [openly weeping and cheering]

Kaladin: ...Has this been weighing on you for a while, then?