#i love kliensen <<33

[dank-meme-legend]

The sillys <3

[dank-meme-legend]

My headcanon is that Evan had short straight hair (sort of paying homage to original Broadway Evan Hansen played by Ben Platt) during elementary and middle school, but it grew out over the summer before high school starts and he didn’t want to burden (even though it’s not really a burden) Heidi with a back-to-school trim, so he let it get long-ish and curly…

And he’s self conscious of it because it’s new and different and he thinks that the kids from middle school will notice (they don’t care), so he goes to Jared for some kind of reassurance. He halfway expects a joke to be made, but it never comes. Jared looks at him but not in the way he normally does.

Jared tells him that it looks “good” because that’s the first thing that comes to mind that won’t embarrass the ever-living crap out of him.

[dank-meme-legend]

Find Words As Light As The Birds

Word Count: 5,983

This fic is inspired by the below prompt and it is beautiful and sad at the same time. This fic contains topics of violence, mental health, self-harm and other dark/depressing things. If any of those things may be upsetting or triggering to you, then please do not read this fic.

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"It's really not that bad." Evan tells Jared, whose hand is gently turning his head to survey the results of whatever happened in the computer lab that Evan won't speak of.

Jared's hand is soft against Evan's bruised jaw, while his eyes flicker with flames.

He'd practically picked Evan up off the floor and shoved him into the nearest bathroom, handing him wet paper towels to clean the blood from his split lip as well as dried paper towels to soak up his tears.

They're still in the school bathroom, roughly fifteen minutes after the incident; Jared locked the door so Evan could have a second to compose himself. (After Evan could breathe properly again, Jared shook off those stupid nerves deep him his heart and asked Evan if he could assess the damage.)

Students aren't supposed to lock the bathroom doors, they are only allowed to lock the individual stalls. If Jared gets in trouble for picking his friend up off the ground, then sue him.

"Really not that bad? He looked like he was going to kill you. You looked like you were going to die." Jared states.

There's a light bruise on his jaw that barely touches his cheek, it'll get darker as it heals.

A big purply splotch, another thing that people can stare at him for and furrow their brows.

Evan's lip is also split, though it has (thankfully) stopped bleeding.

Evan's self-esteem is more injured than anything. He already felt like shit about himself; getting his butt kicked by a sociopath didn't help him.

"Why won't you tell me what happened?"

Evan looks at him, then vaguely down.

"I don't- I don't want to make it worse." He frets. "What if he goes after you, what if you get hurt because, because of me?"

Jared is grateful that Evan wants to keep him safe, but he can fight his own battles.

He frowns and his heartstrings are not pulled, but yanked while looking at Evan like this.

A little bloodied and definitely bruised, colored pink from crying as well.

Evan has learned to not be a "cry baby," but having Connor Murphy beat the ever-living shit out of him triggered a reflex of tears.

"If he goes after me, I'll deal with it. I don't want you to get hurt any further."

Jared's words are firm and reassuring, and Evan feels oddly comforted by the soft touch on his face that accompanies them.

Comforted and safe. He is safe for this short moment in time.

"Are you gonna go to the counselor about this?" It's a genuine question, but Evan just laughs. A small, bitter sound in his throat.

"They never actually help, and I'm... non-confrontational."

Jared doesn't know how Evan can be laughing at this situation, but it's admirable in a weird way.

Evan can be a bitter, sarcastic asshole like he is; the dumbest, most impulsive thought crawls into the back of his head. (His mind is telling him to let Evan's face go, but his heart feels like it's achieved the tiniest bit of intimacy that only his subconscious knows of.)

"I know you aren't, but it wouldn't be a confrontation. And, you can't let him hurt you and not say anything about it."

"Do you want to tell the counselor?" Evan asks. He knows that he should give Jared his personal space, but after being torn down so harshly, this comfort feels grand.

Being touch-starved is another thing to add onto the "Facets of Evan's Shitty Mental Health" list.

He continues on with honesty and a sigh, "I'd prefer you didn't, but you do what your heart tells you to do, you know? My heart told me to write the truth and... look where that got me."

Evan is visibly calmer now, though his words are somewhere between wise and sarcastic. He is looking at Jared curiously, wanting to know whether or not he'll go to the counselor.

He should mind the awkwardness that is his family-friend's hand so gentle on his face, but he doesn't.

Jared knows he should mind it, too, but his hand is unexplainably frozen.

Going to the counselor isn't on Jared's mind right now, Evan telling him to do what his heart tells him to do is. (He could hear the tone-shift towards the end of his sentence, but that sarcasm is what he sticks to. Hearing the soft-spoken boy speak with cynicism the same as he, himself, does... it turned a cog in his brain. A cog covered in cobwebs that shouldn't be dusted off for both of their sakes.)

Evan is somewhat calm and pink in the face, his body catching up with his mind slowly but surely; a halfway sarcastic sentiment in the air that Jared stupidly loves.

They're alone in the empty boy's bathroom, no jeering classmates to say anything about anything.

Both of them are still, Evan knows that it would be rude to snap his fingers in front of Jared's face to get him out of whatever trance he's in.

Jared looks at the thin red line on Evan's lip.

He thinks of cynicism and his subconscious and Evan finding a way to laugh as opposed to cry after a shit-storm.

Evan not pushing his hand away, something so small that is truly something so huge.

Jared does something stupid and impulsive, he kisses Evan, right where Connor's knuckles had landed and left a split-wound.

It's only for a second, then the door knob starts to shake violently.

"Hey!" A voice calls. It's Connor's voice, pissed off as all hell. "Open the door! I saw you run in here, Evan. You didn't explain this fucking letter!"

Jared isn't stupid, but kissing Evan once he finally calmed down wasn't the smartest idea he's had.

Even though Connor is yelling on the opposite side of the door, Evan's mind is fuzzy and on a delay. His eyes are wide and his body is still when Jared takes one big step back from him.

That was his first kiss.

Holy shit. That was his first kiss. Jared had kissed him.

"Jared- What..."

"I know, I know. God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..." He trails off and Connor becomes frantic with the doorknob. "I'll handle him."

Evan wants to say something, but he can't before Jared gestures for him to stay put, and then goes around the corner to unlock and open the bathroom door. (He'll clean up his stupid messes later, Evan can't afford another bruise. That is the message that is newly set into Jared's mind.)

A loud thunk is heard and Evan listens to an enraged,

"You fucking psycho-"

Another thunk; after a third one, he can't stay put.

Jared has never been a violent person, but Evan sees him swinging and swinging at Connor, laying into him relentlessly in the hallway outside the bathroom.

He didn't even know Jared could punch, he has never needed to see such a thing.

Evan is still on that delay and he is thinking about Jared coming to his aid and then kissing his split lip better like some miracle healer.

At least, he dumbly thinks that's one possible reason why it happened. (An obvious explanation is within his reach, but it is impossible. Jared doesn't... could he? No, he doesn't. There's no way he does...)

He can ask later, but seeing Jared punch Connor Murphy in the face makes Evan want to kiss him on his own merit as a way of thanking him. That is his true, genuine thought process. Irony or an actual consideration, whatever it may be.

Jared had always made the crude joke that Evan wasn't straight.

If he isn't, then Jared is the explanation, or the person to blame, or something else.

Whichever makes more sense in a nonsensical situation.

The school security officer is pulling Jared away from Connor in the blink of an eye and yelling, "Hey, hey, hey! Break it up, boys, break it up!"

He sees Evan standing idly in the bathroom doorway with a deer in the headlights daze on his face and asks him sharply,

"You involved in this?"

Evan shakes his head, but Connor is no help,

"Yes, that freak wrote a letter about my sister. He's in love with her."

Those words are heavier when said out loud. Love, not even the usual timid like.

The officer takes all three of the boys to the counselor, where they sit in a row.

Connor on the left, Jared on the right, and Evan in the middle; involved in this.

The counselor sits up and starts right away,

"What's this letter that Connor is referring to?" Connor reaches into his pocket to hand it to her.

Though she stops him and looks at Evan, "May I read it?" It's his letter, at least that is respected in one way or another.

Evan, self-described as non-confrontational, weakly nods his head.

She reads over the paper, reading out loud to the group, "Because there's Zoe... you assumed it was your sister, Connor? Zoe Murphy?"

"Yes. He wrote it to make me look crazy."

"Giving him a bruised cheek and a split lip doesn't help your case..."

"I'll give you one, too, Klienman-"

"Enough." The counselor says sternly. "Evan, is this about Connor's sister?"

Evan looks between them, at Connor's ice-cold glare and Jared's curious but slightly guilty expression.

"Yes," He admits, "But, but I didn't mean it in a creepy way. I just- I wanted a friend and Zoe is... well, nice."

"But you like her. You've been staring at her for years, I've seen you do it!" Connor spits out. Jared looks a little pained by that sentiment but he understands that it's a truth he'll have to-

"I don't." Evan informs everyone, his voice is unsteady and soft. The room goes quiet; Connor looks pissed (still) and Jared looks extremely confused and even more curious than before. "I don't like Zoe like that."

Jared leans towards Evan and his brows furrow together, he barely has to ask his question, though he still whispers it,

"But I thought you... y'know..."

Evan looks at Jared, at his lips as he speaks, since his eyes are too much right now.

He understands what the guilty expression was for and his mind is in a whirlwind.

He doesn't know what he feels and he wants to ask Jared why he kissed him.

He'd still kiss him again as a thank you for standing up for him.

That thought alone, his odd willingness to kiss Jared keeps the whirlwind going and going.

But saying something definitive and clear is his best bet.

Even if it's partly a lie, a partial lie that he doesn't understand. It's better than saying that he does like Zoe.

The slight, silent movement of his head signals the "No," and Jared sits back in his chair.

"Then why did you write about my sister? Why her of all people? Why do you need her to be your friend?"

"Why do you sound like your accusing him of something? What, are you jealous he didn't want to be your friend or something?" Jared questions. He rants for a handful of seconds and Evan learns that Jared really does not like Connor, maybe even down-right hates him. "You aren't the most approachable guy out there, you're kinda insane and maybe a little full of yourself. Get that stick out of your ass and-"

"You've already fought enough, we don't need anymore." The counselor tells them, then looks at Connor.

"Connor, why did you need to result to violence with Evan?"

"I don't want a loner like him dating my sister, she deserves better than him." He answers instantly, then looks down at his lap, picking at the ripped threads of his jeans. "I'm trying to look out for her."

It's odd, but Evan finds himself laughing bitterly to himself. He was once told that it is easier to laugh than to cry and he really wants to cry.

So, he laughs for a second time today. (He laughed at some joke he overheard in the hallway earlier, which earned him a side-eyed glare. So, technically, the third time today.)

"Dude, what are you possibly laughing about now?" Jared asks him bluntly.

"Do you beat up everyone else who's ever tried to talk to her?" Evan asks Connor, fear still inside of him, but he doesn't know anything worse Connor could do to him.

"No, because no one else has written creepy shit about her."

"I could've written much worse." Evan states, ironically bold for him.

The room goes quiet, but for an entirely different reason. "I did write 'much worse'. I, I don't even think- I don't think you got to the bottom of the page before you, before you..."

Evan is stuttering and his voice is shaky, his bitterness (that Jared saw as ironically bold confidence) faltering. He gestures at his beat-up face, Connor sinks into the chair a little bit.

He coughs a little bit too loud and swallows down anything that is threatening to come out of him.

"Would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?" He quotes himself and looks to his right. "You know, Connor. I already feel like, like shit about myself. I didn't need you to beat me up, I do it myself enough." His words come out shaky, but they're undeniably truthful now.

Jared sits up, on alert for the second time today,

"Woah, what does that mean?" Evan is faced with the truth that he has barely skimmed the surface of with his own therapist.

Telling the counselor (who he avoids, because confidentiality doesn't exist as he's found out), the sociopath who knocked his lights out and his family-friend who kissed him who he may or may not want to kiss again makes his stomach ache.

The answer he gives is cryptic, but Connor gets it immediately and, after a few long seconds, Jared wears the expression of someone whose mental computer is struck with an error and all it can do is buffer, buffer, buffer.

"You know that pocket knife my dad gave me before he left? He taught me how to whittle sticks and then I taught you." Jared nods.

He vividly remembers Evan as a little boy, with that oak-wood-hilt pocket knife always on his person; ready for whatever box needed to be opened or stick needed to be shaved down into a toothpick.

It seems insignificant, but it isn't. Hell, the way Evan says it, with something close to a half-smile on his face takes more away from it.

That has always been one thing he is a master at, making his troubles seem smaller than they are.

Everyone is looking at him, ready for the "Well..." or something else, but it never comes.

It sinks in and Jared rests a hand on Evan's shoulder.

The counselor is on alert, telling him,

"Evan, that is a serious but separate matter we can talk about another time-"

"I don't want to talk about it."

He is pushing back, something no one in the history of the world has seen Evan Hansen do. Jared keeps his eyes steady on him, thoughts racing a mile a minute.

Though, his thoughts are cut short and shaken away,

"Jared, what was going through mind when you saw Evan in that state?"

"Do I have to say it? I felt... I felt terrible. What would you feel if your friend was on the ground getting pummeled? I tried to be a good friend and pick him up off the ground."

"But I thought we were just-"

"Yeah, yeah. I know. It's bullshit."

"Watch your language."

Jared sighs and turns to Evan, holding onto his shoulder a little firmer.

"You're my friend, Evan. My real, legit friend, okay? I genuinely like you and I'd beat up any string-bean druggie to help you."

"Hey, dick-"

"Language-"

"Fine, fine. I'm sorry." Jared says, looking between Connor and the counselor. "But I wanted to help Evan. And if helping him involved getting all that blood out of his mouth and giving his pummeler what-for... then sue me."

It also involved kissing me, for some unknown reason, Evan thinks.

He also thinks how, in an instant, he's upgraded from family-friend to real, legit friend.

He might go home and throw up everything he's ever eaten, or run to the nearest bathroom and do the same.

Connor is already on the defense, saying that his family literally could sue him, but Jared is quick with a comment about how that wont hold up well. "You assumed the worst and gave couldn't-hurt-a-fly Evan Hansen a bruise on his face and a split lip."

Once again, their bickering back-and-forth is ceased and it comes down to this:

Three boys in a row in front of the school counselor's desk.

The first, Connor, resorting to violence in the name of protecting his sister. The last, Jared, resorting to violence in the name of protecting his friend (after many long years, he finally admits that he is Evan's friend). Evan, the in-between, more troubled than anyone first thought. Admitting that he, himself, hurts more in his heart than anything Connor's fists could ever do to him physically.

Jared, without the judgmental eyes of his classmates, sees Evan. He lets himself see Evan.

He knows that he'll have to explain himself for the abrupt smooch in the bathroom, he is trying to sort out how to do such a thing. How to explain something so illogical, something that he has come to terms with, but still plagues him, because it's Evan.

Evan, who he cannot have and hold.

The first and last are assigned after-school detention for the next few of days starting tomorrow, the in-between is told to go home for the rest of the day and to have a meeting with the school psychologist within the week.

From what he knows, the school psychologist is a separate version of the counselor, working closely with Dr. Sherman, but serving a more immediate purpose.

All three boys are dismissed and Evan makes the slow, utterly-drained walk towards the exit. He looks over his shoulder for a second and Jared is in the hallway, looking at him like he wants to say something.

If Evan squints before turning his head back around and walking out the door, he thinks Jared might've been wiping droplets off his glasses.

Unfortunately, Evan can't be picked up from school, so he waits for the public shuttle bus to pick him up.

Thick, grayish clouds hang high over his head. Great, rain, he thinks.

Evan loves the sound of rain, for it lulls him to sleep like a hefty dose of melatonin. But the feeling of cold rain soaking his clothes is one he despises, along with the startling and unpredictable sound of thunder.

Lightning (visually, at least) is something he likes, though the fear of getting struck by it takes over the small appeal that's there.

When it finally arrives, he rides the bus home while looking out the window, watching cars and people go on by.

The grayish clouds are fully gray by the time he gets home.

School has barely been in session for a week and he can sum it up in three words: exhausting, confusing, and surreal.

Zoe Murphy almost talked to him, he wrote the truth (of nearing hopeless for the school year, but holding hope that the kinder Murphy sibling would say, "Hey, Evan." to him) onto paper instead of fluff and over-optimism, one person (or as Jared called him, one "fucking psycho") signed his cast, Jared is his friend (who gave-slash-stole his first kiss), he admitted that he... never mind, and Connor Murphy nearly killed him.

(That last part is hyperbole, but he surely felt like the golden gates of Heaven were going to open any second after the first blow to his jaw... or the fire and brimstone of Hell would swallow him up, whichever he truly deserved. Sometimes, when he thinks of being old and gray, or in reality, finding a taller tree, or when he climbed that not-quite-tall-enough tree during summer, he hopes for the former, but believes that he is destined for the latter or nothing at all entirely.)

What a great list of things to tell his dad! (Sarcasm, so much sarcasm. Jared has more of an impact than he may think.)

If his dad ever calls to ask about his senior year, that is.

Evan trudges into the house and up the stairs to his bedroom. He doesn't even bother with kicking off his shoes before shrugging off his backpack and falling onto his bed with a bouncing thud.

His exhaustion, both mental and physical, overcome him and he is out like a light.

A knock at the front door, followed by clap of rumbling thunder stir him awake a couple hours later; the sun has already set.

Going in and out of consciousness, his eyes fall on his cast, on those awful, big, bulky letters.

CONNOR

The knocking at the door pauses, then resumes, and Evan fears the worst.

Connor is outside his house, ready to really give it to him, to kill him and then go around school talking about the letter.

He pushes himself off the bed and peeks through the blinds of his window.

Through the now pouring rain and darkness, he can't see any cars. He can make out a car window, but nothing else.

To live or to die, that is the question.

Stay up here and hide, but live, or face Connor head-on and get his ass handed to him worse than before, but possibly (probably not) explain himself and clear his name.

The first is safer, but the second could help him in the long run.

Evan slowly goes down the stairs, making soft steps as if to act like the house is empty; it makes no sense, he isn't being robbed.

What is there that a burglar would even want? Nothing much besides his laptop, or the living room TV.

Focus, come on. Deep breath, open the door, is the last thought he has before his shaking hand twists the door knob and pulls the squeaky front door open.

"Jared, hi. What are you doing here? It's... late."

"I wanted to make sure you were okay. I tried calling, but you didn't answer."

Jared is standing in the doorway, hair wet from the rain and his face painted with concern and sadness, but it feels more raw then it had in the bathroom earlier.

It was anger, earlier, but now it's worry.

Plain worry, Jared is worried about Evan, which he never is.

"Oh, I'm sorry... damnit- I was asleep, taking a nap upstairs."

Jared doesn't need those specifics, he knows that Evan sleeps in his bed. He steps into the house when he is motioned to do so.

Evan doesn't want him to catch a cold, even though his nurse mother told him that rain and inclement weather don't cause illness.

Jared has something he wants to tell Evan, something to talk to him about and neither of them want to continue the conversation in the entryway of the Hansen household, so they go up to Evan's room.

"I'm sorry," Jared says, pulling off his jacket and setting it near the bedroom door. Evan sits on his bed, fiddling with fixing his just-slept-on throw blanket. "I'm sorry about today. I shouldn't have... it was stupid, alright? I don't know- I don't why I did it that way."

"What do you mean?"

"I should've, y'know, asked at the very least. But I know you don't, um, swing that way, and it was stupid. And creepy."

There are words that Jared is beating around, right there in his mind. Evan's anxiously curious gaze isn't helping.

"Why did you..." Evan starts himself, but he doesn't want to think about it.

Jared can't like him like that, why on Earth would he? What is there that Evan has that's attractive? What could Jared see in him and think-

"I like you," Jared says out loud, then repeats himself within the second, "I like you, Evan."

Evan sits on the edge of his bed and he can't believe it. He almost doesn't want to believe it. Someone likes him, someone wanted to kiss him.

Someone so close and so far at the same time: Jared Klienman.

He is silent and his eyes are on Jared, who sits next to him on the bed and looks back at him, waiting a moment.

A moment before anxious thoughts take center-stage with one word.

"Why?"

Jared chuckles to himself, because the question is ridiculous (at least to himself, it's par for the course for Evan).

"What do you mean, 'Why'?"

Evan's instant thought is to think about that millisecond before Connor's fist hit his face, when his life flashed before his eyes and all he saw was a clear blue sky and tree leaves; he was on the forest floor of Ellison State Park once again. Broken, scared, somehow alive. His next thought is the first time that pocket knife had been used for a purpose besides opening packages and killing time with loose sticks.

A burden, a waste of money and time. The loner-loser who can't bring himself to say, "Hi." to anyone in school and who can't make a simple food-service order for himself. Who couldn't even succeed in getting rid of himself for the sake of his weary-eyed mother, Jared "Family-friend, why-would-I-sign-your-cast?" Klienman, and his dad who can't remember when his birthday is to send him a card or a text message at the very least: Happy birthday, buddy. Hope you have a great day. Love, Dad.

"Because I'm, well..." Evan is hesitant, he can't bring himself to laugh anymore. "Me, Jared. And, and I don't get why you'd like that." A shiver of sorts runs through him, and he closes his eyes.

Tears fall, one by one, then two by two, and more and more. He opens his eyes after a second, and talks as he lets the tears come down, "You couldn't- you wouldn't sign my cast, because we're 'family-friends', but now we're legit friends and you kissed me and you like me and... I don't get any of it."

Jared is quiet for a long moment, but he eventually figures out what to say,

"I'm sorry," He repeats, then stands up. Not to distance himself from Evan, far from it. (During some stressful times, Evan wants closeness and other times, he feels suffocated. His shoulders are tenser than usual; this is an example of "other times.")

He paces back and forth and Evan keeps his eyes down and barely focused on his knees.

"I'm stupid, alright? I have liked you for years, really. But neither of us are popular, let's be honest, and I wanted to try." Jared tells him. The brutal and honest truth, "I thought by being a dick to you, it would get me in with the cool kids, but it didn't. It never has, it's never worked. I'm sorry. You're the one person who isn't an asshole to me and I love that. So much, God."

He almost says that he loves Evan right then and there, but he doesn't. There are some things that can remain in his subconscious. He continues on, "I treat you like shit and I'm not cool for it. But I saw Connor going nuts and I thought, 'There's my chance, I can treat Evan like a reasonable person! I can help him and be a good fucking friend for once!'"

Jared's words come out pained, like he wants to beat himself up for all that he has done. Evan looks up at him after a while, he sees and hears repentance. Though, Jared is far from done. (Evan sees himself in Jared, rambling and explaining and pacing back and forth. It's incredible.)

There's a self-depreciating tone in Jared's voice, one that Evan has never heard before. "I tried to help you today, I cleaned you up and looked over the damage in the... in the gayest way I could, really. I didn't need to get all up-close-and-personal with you, but I did. Because we were in private, I didn't need to be 'cool'-"

Evan stops his rambling and asks the elephant in the room that he needs to know,

"Why did you... do what you did?"

Jared's pacing stops and his eyes meet Evan's. He knows what he means. It's what he was going to eventually reach, but he planned on stalling for a little while longer.

"You looked, I'll be honest, like shit, but you managed to be funny about all of it. And I've never seen you do that. You said something about, 'doing what your heart wants' and you let me keep my hand on you for way too long and-"

He pauses to catch his breath, Evan is hanging on to every single word. "I did what you said, I went with my really dumb heart. And I'm sorry-"

"You don't... you don't have to keep apologizing. I forgive you. It doesn't excuse what you did, but I can't tell you how happy I am that you're my friend. My actual legitimate friend."

It is all Evan has ever wanted, a friend.

In part, he gave up on Jared and knew that there was no point after a while. He couldn't ever get up the nerve to talk to Zoe or anyone else for that matter, so he accepted his fate of being alone.

But then, in his time of need, Jared showed that there is a beating heart underneath the wanting to belong and the desperate attempt to give up any feelings for Evan and his cool-guy act that he uses to get people to laugh at his jokes and invite him to their lunch table.

Jared looks a little stunned, like he is being forgiven too easily (Evan forgives easily, because he has never had to reason to hold grudges against anyone, except his dad) and he asks,

"So... you aren't- we're okay?"

Evan nods,

"Yeah, we're okay."

He now wants closeness. He dries his eyes on his shirt and non-verbally tells Jared to come back to sit with him on the bed.

Evan wants to hug him, in all honesty.

Though, Jared has never been too much of a hugger, which he respects-

"I know I already... y'know, but can we... hug it out?"

They don't need to hug anything out, but Evan takes this opportunity while it's right in front of him.

Jared hold him secure in his arms, longer than a hug typically lasts, but neither of them are letting go.

Evan closes his eyes and he thinks about Jared wiping off his glasses after the meeting with the counselor.

But for the moment, he stays silent.

He feels safe, a different type of safe than he'd felt earlier in the bathroom.

Maybe it's because Jared is hugging him for the first time since they were kids, or that they are definitively alone; in Evan's house at night while the rest of the world settles down.

The rain comes down hard outside the house and the settling world, and they hold onto each other in silence.

Until Evan speaks up softly,

"Were you crying earlier?"

"What? When?"

"After we left the counselor's office."

This is the least vulnerable thing Jared has said the whole night. He admits,

"Yeah... I was."

"Why?"

Jared's hold on Evan tightens,

"I didn't know you- that you were in that kind of pain, but I never asked, because I was too much of an ass." Evan hugs him tighter in return,

"You didn't know, I didn't tell you or anyone until today."

Jared sighs over Evan's shoulder,

"I know but, but I should've at least tried to ask if you were okay; you hide it well."

A little too well, Evan has always been good at hiding his troubles and hiding the ways he copes with them.

"I want to be a better friend to you, alright?" Jared tells him. Evan wants that, too. He wants to hold up his end and be more honest, more truthful, even if it hurts.

His truth made Jared cry, he's never seen Jared cry.

He doesn't want to see Jared cry, he wants to turn a new leaf.

He believes in Jared, that he can change.

In turn, he can believe in himself.

"Alright."

It's a long, tight embrace that falls into silence.

Silence of understanding, understanding of each other.

Today was painful, tomorrow is a new day.

Before Jared inevitably goes home, Evan does thank him, though not how he thought of during the day.

He doesn't kiss him. He tells him how much he means to him and how thankful he is that someone stood up for him.

(He keeps the latent thought that he is glad his first kiss was with someone he cared about to himself. Previously, in his mind, he envisioned being out at a bar to legally drink away his troubles and some girl would be intoxicated and find him handsome when not all-there, and invite him back to wherever she lived. In his life-long desperation for some sort of connection, he would be seduced and get the milestones of a young man's life out of the way, no true feeling involved.)

But, though it was not super ideal, his first kiss was from someone who likes him and that's more than good enough for him.

Jared gets through detention and Connor avoids his glares, though there are plenty of them.

The school psychologist is helpful and she advises Evan to get rid of the pocket knife if he can, though she understands that it’s the one remaining piece of a happy father-son bond he has.

Evan doesn’t get rid of it, but he does hide it in the back of his closet, out of his easy reach.

He gets better at talking to people, talking to Jared at least, about how he feels. He doesn’t feel alone, he is not a burden or a waste of anyone’s time.

Jared goes out of his way to prove this, he has a sleepover with Evan for the first time in years and he has never seen his friend smile or laugh so much in the span of a few hours.

Time goes on and Evan stops needing those painful ways to cope with his loneliness, he isn’t lonely anymore.

Though, he still has bad days. Days where doubt slithers into his mind and he thinks that Jared will leave him once again and he’ll be back at square one.

But that doesn’t happen, Jared is in no place to leave. He isn’t the best with reassurance, but he says enough to get his point across; he’ll be with Evan until the end of time if he can help it.

It’s what Evan has always wanted, a friend to be by his side, to stand up for him and to hug him when he cries and hoist him up and cheer when he achieves something.

It’s what Jared has denied himself for so long, Evan’s friendship and kindness, which he will not take for granted. Never again.

Senior year turns out alright.

It started off less than ideal, but it turns out alright.

[dank-meme-legend]

Sad, sad, sad boy hours </3

I swear to God this is not a diss or anything at Zoe, I love her so much. I don’t want people to think it is. But I can’t find any evidence that would say that Jared isn’t at least a little into Evan…

[dank-meme-legend]

They are beyond silly

They are straight-up goofy, goofy goobers

[dank-meme-legend]

Time, mystical time.

Cutting me open, then healing me fine.

Were there clues I didn't see?

And isn't it just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string tying you to me? <3

——From, “invisible string” by Taylor Swift

[dank-meme-legend]

The song, “Forever” by Alex G, is my favorite song to use for kliensen, because I think of the, “We could love you…” in a neat way.

I see “we” as not only Jared loving Evan, but Evan learning to love himself and learning that he is worthy of self as well as external love.

[dank-meme-legend]

Evan “Touch-starved but can’t fathom possibly being loved after the events of senior year” Hansen and Jared “Has been in love with Evan for years but never said anything about it in fear of rejection and keeping his cool-guy facade up” Klienman

Also yes, that is Jared’s Undertale shirt that Evan is borrowing; it’s my favorite inside joke of characters being in college while owning fictional college swag

Temmie’s stupid theme song kept playing in my head while I drew this… here it is so you can get this ear worm

[dank-meme-legend]

The sillys <3: part 2 not really lol

[dank-meme-legend]

study buddies <3

Based on this fic of them in college that I am still very proud of and very in love with

[dank-meme-legend]

I found this song today, learned how to half-ass play it on my guitar and then read the lyrics… kliensen was the end result

Evan is blue (kinda obviously) and Jared is lime green, because I said so :)

[dank-meme-legend]

Grow

Word Count: 7,384

This is the best one-shot I’ve ever written as well as the longest. Just look at that word count! This started out as a cute and fluffy (community) college fic, but it turned into a lot more than that, so I hope all you Kliensen enjoyers like it!

————————————————————————

Jared has never been all too nice to Evan.

For a long time, he found ways to excuse it. He'd excuse his rudeness as jokes and dark humor; always telling a speechless or borderline-offended Evan, "I'm just messing with you, it's a joke!"

It wasn't until he started a term at the local community college that he allowed himself to get hit with the truth. (Not to face it, for he'd faced it a long time ago. Getting hit with it is something all it's own.)

From what Jared remembers, Evan kept his head low for the remainder of senior year, got his diploma, and had plans of starting community college.

Evan was the most paranoid anyone had ever seen him, genuinely fearful of not getting into a two-year school with a one-hundred percent acceptance rate.

He was also paranoid for a separate reason entirely; still trying to shake off what senior year had done to him.

Jared went away for one final year of summer camp and Evan spent his summer working at the local Pottery Barn, trying to save up money for his classes in the Fall.

Unlike Evan, Jared procrastinated heavily on starting community college.

When the Fall semester came around, Evan kept to himself for the most part.

By high school graduation, he had upgraded from being a family friend to a good friend, which Jared would refer to Evan as to his extended family, who vaguely remembered the anxious boy's name.

Jared didn't talk about Evan much, but when he did, he kept his words positive.

Knowing that Jared talked positively of him even after senior year and all those damn emails he paid him to write made Evan feel genuine happiness in his soul. He was Jared's good friend.

Though, not having Jared around during the start of community college did something to him.

It sounds desperate and he is painfully aware, but he was lonely and for the first time in his life, too busy to reach out.

Always worried about one thing or the other; a paper to work on, or a continuing afternoon shift at Pottery Barn.

It felt good to be busy, for Evan has never been busy with work or school. (His anxious habits led him to be a diligent student and employee; he didn't mess up many things and when he did, he tried hard to fix them. The people skills aspect of customer service was still a work in progress.)

But now, a semester is under his belt and the following Winter semester is fast-approaching.

Evan was smart enough to register ahead; one less thing to check off his to-do list.

On the first day of the Winter semester, Evan rides the shuttle bus to the campus. It's an hour long commute that isn't the best thing in the world, but he makes do.

He is grateful for his schedule, he only has a general English course today and then he has time to kill before the commute to work. Mondays for the next handful of weeks won't be terrible, unlike every other Monday in existence.

Though, other days of the week aren't so nice, which he takes note of when planning his first week.

Take life day by day, a motivational phrase that's written in the margin of his planner.

A mantra of sorts that Dr. Sherman told him during a recent session.

Habitually, he gets to class early and picks a seat near the back of the classroom by the window; not in the way back. A sweet-spot to listen well to a lecture, but not make any eye contact with the professor and risk being called out if he mumbles an answer to himself.

Students file in, some one-by-one and others, in small pairs or trios.

As the classroom gets full, Evan sits alone in the sort-of-back near the window.

People don't pay him much mind, except for the occasional friendly, "Good morning."

There's a face he sees walking in the door, wearing those same dorky circle glasses and having the same affinity for graphic t-shirts that Evan has always been familiar with.

But Jared looks different, the months of summer and the midst of Fall have treated him well.

Maybe a little too well, because Evan is struck by something strong that he's felt one other time in his life.

Jared sees him and without a second thought, goes to sit next to him; at ease that he has a friendly face to talk to.

His good friend, Evan.

Evan looks at him, specifically at Jared's biceps.

There's muscle on them that wasn't there when they were in high school.

Jared isn't shredded by any means at all, but he looks strong, looks good.

He swears he doesn't have a thing for muscular people, but he wants to ask a million questions about what happened during summer camp and why Jared didn't warn him of his new build.

But Evan has learned better than to ask blunt and odd questions as a means of conversation, so he starts off simply and prays that the small crack in his voice goes unheard.

"Jared- Hi, how've you been?"

He wants to also ask how Jared's time at summer was and what he's been up to in the last few months.

He also wants to apologize for never asking any of these questions before now, when he hasn't asked anything yet.

His mind is trying to slow itself down and organize his thoughts in a coherent way. Being scatter-brained does him no good.

"I've been good, ready to get back to work." Jared tells him, it comes out lighthearted and a bit sarcastic, "I need this class for my major, so I'm getting it out of the way."

It's the same kind of sarcasm that Evan has grown accustomed to, though it's not used at his expense for once.

That feels good, the comfortability that'd sprouted around graduation a few months back is still there.

Before there's anymore time to continue on, the class starts and Evan readies himself with a notebook and pen, and flips through his other notes for a clean page.

Jared, getting himself straight (awful choice of words) at the same time, glances over at Evan's page-flipping and he sees vibrant highlighter marks and neatly written words printed line-after-line down the page.

As the introductory lecture progresses and assignments are laid out, Jared finds himself looking at Evan, at his organized, colorful notes.

Evan became the type of person that Jared mocked in high school. For one reason or another, he hated those people who's notes were written in neat handwriting with little doodles in the margins and color-coded to stay on-top of things.

But now, that he's older but also because it's Evan, the pretentious note-taking isn't pretentious at all.

It's almost cute is the coherent thought that Jared comes up with.

He gets back to his own notebook and before either of them know it, they have an essay due next Monday and class is dismissed.

"Where are you going after this?" Evan asks while packing up his belongings.

There are a few hand-sewn stitches to rips and tears in Evan's backpack that Jared notices, along with two minimalistic patches sewn onto the small front pocket.

One patch is a yellow smiley face and the other is a rainbow that's out of order with the words, "Choose Kindness" printed underneath it.

Both patches are most likely from Heidi, a little too bright for what Evan prefers. (Or maybe not, maybe Evan doesn't mind that vibrance and showiness anymore. Jared wouldn't know.)

"I was gonna go home for a while, I have a late shift tonight."

"Where are you working?"

"The Best Buy down the road."

It makes perfect sense in Evan's mind when the answer comes from Jared's mouth, he wouldn't expect anything different.

Jared must be able to sense this, because he's smiling as soon as he says it, smiling faintly as it clicks into place that he's still the same geek who thought he was too cool to proudly be friends with Evan Hansen.

But now he sees it, Evan is still the same introverted guy he knew, but he's found his footing now that they've gotten away from the hell that was high school.

Evan is put together. Well, more put together than what he used to be.

He looks good, standing a little straighter, and his dark, sunken under-eyes aren't as dark nor sunken.

Granted, they aren't at the place of a person who gets a square eight hours of sleep a night, but Evan looks like he has been improving at least somewhat in the taking-care-of-himself department.

"What about you? Do you have work right after, or...?"

"No, I don't have work until later. I mostly sit in the library and get homework done until work."

Jared looks at him a little oddly and follows him out into the hallway,

"Are there any study-buddies you have in the library?"

Evan laughs a little to himself, something he wouldn't have be able to do a while ago.

"No, but I don't mind the alone time." (He didn't mind the alone time when his best friend wasn't a viable option, that is different now.)

"I was going to go home, but I don't have to," Jared states, in a way he thinks is cooly, pushing his hands into his jeans pockets. "And, I have no idea what to write my essay about and you're a genius writer, so I thought you could... help me out some?" (Smooth, Jared. Smooth.)

There's light that flickers in Evan's eyes, he can sense it that Jared doesn't want to simply mooch off his work like he did back in public school.

If that was his intention, he would've been more direct, like every time he was stumped or blatantly uninterested in high school. Saying something along the lines of, "Evan, there's no way I can get this done on my own. Give me your notebook, I'll be done with it in a minute..."

Evan separately takes, "genius writer" that isn't laced with sarcasm for once in their damn lives, sets it into his heart, and makes his way to the library with Jared walking right beside him.

Amidst the whispered catching up that they do, Evan learns that Jared is genuinely scratching his head about this first essay, trying to figure out how to answer the prompt that was written across the whiteboard during lecture: What is one thing a person can do to maintain happiness?

Evan already has a vague outline drawn up, he is going to talk about the importance of going outside and getting away from screens and the internet, and how too much of it can be damaging to one's mental health. (Writing about hard-hitting things can sometimes be healing; this wouldn't be the first time Evan wrote something that would make his heart ache. When consistently reassured by his eleventh-grade English teacher that only she would see it, he wrote a paper about his dad and all the feelings he had towards him. Allegedly, the teacher had gotten teary-eyed when grading it.)

Jared is sitting with a few ideas in his head now, but he would rather listen to Evan ramble about the importance of going outside.

Though it's understandably dampened, his love for cool, dewy grass under his feet and warm, golden sunlight on his face is still there.

Evan more-so talks about sitting on a front porch for a moment or going for a walk around the neighborhood as opposed to hiking or forest-bathing.

He is without a doubt passionate about this subject, maybe he's been itching for someone to ask him why too much time online isn't good for a person's mental health and why soaking in the sun can be greatly beneficial.

Every few seconds, he looks at Jared to gauge whether he's bored or not, he definitely falls into the latter category.

Jared listens to Evan talk and damnit, the truth hits him. He's still fluttery in the chest around Evan Hansen, still in love with him.

In love with him and all those articulate words in his head that he never lets out. (Until his fluttery-hearted best friend shows up on campus and wants to listen to him talk for hours. Jared was always too cool to admit it, but he thought Evan was quite smart and liked listening to him talk about this, that, and the other subject he was interested in at the time. He thinks that now, still.)

They are only in the library for thirty minutes before Jared shuts his laptop and flips backwards through his notebook, checking the watch that's in front of a few colorful paracord bracelets: one lime green and another, blue and forrest green braided together.

"You know, we have time before work." He starts, Evan looks at him past his own laptop, a little curious. "We can go back to my place for a bit if you want. I've got some camp stories," He leans a little forward, grinning, "that I can't say here."

That intrigues Evan, who looks down at the corner of his laptop to check the time. He has roughly three and a half hours before he has to get to work, plenty of time indeed.

He wants to hear these camp stories, but he also wants to gain answers to the millions of thoughts and questions that are racing around in his head like bumper cars.

So, he begins to pack up once again, telling Jared (maybe a little too eagerly) that he would love to catch up, and Jared drives them to his house.

Jared's bedroom has not changed one bit.

Evan spent many an afternoon practically breathing down Jared's neck to make sure that the emails for the Murphy's were perfect down to the last detail. (Which failed him in the end, but Jared has forgiven him for it all. Memories that are fading little by little.)

Before that, he visited on occasion, when Mrs. Klienman wanted Jared  to hang out with him. They were each other's one-and-only true friend.

Unbeknownst to both of the boys, Ms. Hansen and Mrs. Klienman shared the same sentiment of lonely sons who needed someone their own age to spend time with.

When Jared and Evan were little, time spent in Jared's room was always one adventure or another. They would take turns trying to beat Crash Bandicoot levels on Jared's well-loved Xbox 360. Other times, they would wreck his bedroom for the sake of a grand pillow fort.

Though, during the warm months of Spring and Summer, the boys would be told to, "Get off that game and go play outside!"

In the backyard of the Klienman household was Evan's favorite thing in the entire world: a big climbing tree with a long rope attached to a tire swing.

As much as Jared liked to crack a cruel joke, the irony of a tiny seven-year-old Evan Hansen falling out of that tree, only to fall out of a tree three times its size roughly a decade later has never been brought to light.

As a child, Evan was a brave little boy, climbing higher and higher to focus on the burning sun on his skin as opposed to his tired and stressed mother. His tired and stressed mother who would not explain why his dad hadn't brought that really big truck back for him to pretend to drive.

Jared liked to swing in the tire swing and have Evan push him higher and higher until his stomach flipped and he felt like a superhero flying through the sky.

Though his life wasn't the best during those times and forward, Evan's play-dates with Jared gave him something to look forward to.

He doesn't remember when they stopped happening, though Jared does and he has apologized for it immensely in recent years; facing the truth and stitching up slowly-healing scars.

At the abandonment done by his father, Evan fell into depression and anxiety, which labelled him a "spaz" by the kids in middle and high school. (Elementary school kids didn't see that anything was different about Evan. All they knew was that he took many trips to the nurse for nervous stomach aches and that he was called to the counselor's office weekly for reasons their teachers wouldn't say.)

Jared never knew how to console and comfort Evan during the troubling time of elementary school, which made him feel quite sad.

In an attempt to make up for it, he learned to always be ready with one dumb joke or another to get a laugh, then another, then another, out of Evan.

Though, come middle school, Evan's nervous tics and ever-present anxiety became worse with budding adolescence.

He never got viciously bullied, but the teasing and being called a "worry wart" and a "crybaby" weren't much help to his already damaged self-esteem. (Was I a bad son? Why did Dad leave?)

Jared was picked on by association, besides the typical "four eyes" and "weirdo" comments he'd always known.

His jokes turned into teasing Evan, not to the extent of the other kids at school (he was never that much of an asshole), but to an extent that hurt his feelings.

Jared would always cover it up, "I'm just messing with you, it's a joke!"

Freshman year of high school came and Evan's straight and short hair had started to  grow out over the summer, curling up at the ends and sticking out in one odd place or the other.

Maybe Heidi didn't have the time or money to take Evan to get a back-to-school trim, or maybe Evan didn't want to burden her with it in the first place.

Nevertheless, he was sporting brand new, unruly curls and Jared couldn't even think of a witty comment to make about them when he saw Evan in the hallway on the first day of school.

Evan was self-conscious, of course he was.

"Does it look bad?" He asked Jared while walking towards their shared homeroom.

Jared, dumb and unable to say something for the first time ever, just shook his head and tried to be as cool as a cucumber. (If cucumbers were suddenly warm all over and colored pink.)

"What- No! It doesn't, doesn't look..." He was sputtering and stammering, and Evan was looking more and more panicked, thinking that Jared was trying to cover up the true disaster of the curly coffee-colored mop on top of his head.

Jared was trying to cover something up. He was trying to cover up the stupid, queer thought that struck him.

The first thought of it's kind, a quick arrow stabbing his heart.

He would deny it was Cupid or any God of love for many, many months.

"It doesn't look bad. You look... good, Evan."

Good, that was what he'd said, but not even close to what he'd thought at thirteen years old.

But now, Jared is nineteen years old and so is Evan, both in Jared's bedroom.

The former is sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard and the latter is sinking down into a bean bag chair near the TV stand across the room.

"So," Evan starts, shifting to get himself comfortable in the lumpy chair, "What are these... raunchy camp stories that you couldn't tell me in the library?"

He sounds a tad snarky, but still genuinely intrigued.

Jared didn't think he could love Evan more if he tried; Evan has always more relaxed in private, especially in an empty house where Jared double-checked to make sure the door was locked for him.

Snark is a thing he's heard from him one or two rare times, one or two rare times that left him surprised and some sort of proud, with heart-shaped pupils in his eyes.

He looks across the room at Evan and leans a little forward, as if he's going to tell a grand tale.

The tale is not grand, but Evan leans in with him.

"So, there was this guy in my bunk, right? A little scrawny, but really smart. Like, really smart, he was a poetic genius." Jared stresses.

Evan asks him bluntly,

"I didn't know you were into poets. What about that, that Brazilian guy from last year? Wasn't he trying to join the military after graduating?"

"Eh, I didn't see him this year." He shrugs, moving on, "And, yeah. I'm into poets, writers, wannabe folk artists."

The last archetype throws Evan off, but he's brought back in when Jared scoots to the edge of his bed and thumps his chest with his hand, enunciating his words like the dramatic son-of-a-bitch Evan is so grateful to have in his life once again.

"I like the sensitive guys! I wanna feel, Evan!"

Evan is laughing at the dramatics, but he can't help but think: a scrawny writer. Well, a scrawny poet. Evan is not a poet, but he is an apparent, "genius writer."

The complete opposite of the strong man Jared bunked with the summer before senior year.

Evan re-focuses and instantly goes for the obvious joke, smiling because he knows how dumb it is,

"Let me guess, you felt him?"

Jared laughs, a loud, "Ha!" from his chest,

"You bet I did!"

He goes on for bit, leaving out the nitty-gritty of everything, but the point is made that second base was reached again.

There are a million stories from camp and one involves an array of rock climbing walls, where Mr. Scrawny-Sensitive-Poet said he'd give Jared fifty bucks if he could get to the top of the tallest one.

It explains Jared's strong biceps, he earned his fifty bucks through many failed attempts and trips to the camp nurse.

He flexes those biceps (being dramatic again, posing like a buff, male model in a magazine or a wrestler) and Evan looks at him. He can hear a buffering dial-up tone ringing in his ears.

Evan tells the eventful stories of being a Pottery Barn employee and by eventful, he means mundane to a hilarious level.

The most eventful thing that's happened in the last few months is one family who argued greatly over the couch they should buy for their living room.

What feels like seconds is truly hours, Jared takes a glance at his watch and looks at Evan, telling him.

"I don't want to say it, but I think you gotta get going for work, so do I."

Evan retrieves his phone from his pocket and as disappointing as it is, Jared is right.

"Oh, yeah. You're right." Evan says, pushing himself out of the bean bag chair. "I had a great time, I missed this."

It's a little too honest, coming right out of his heart. He missed hanging out with Jared and he wants to find time to do it more. Though, he can't even try to apologize before Jared nods,

"I did, too."

He has one more thing from camp to show Evan. "Before you go, I wanted to give you this. I know it's kind of lame; I tried to mail it with a letter to you, but the mail got blocked up."

Getting up off the bed, Jared pulls off the blue and forrest green paracord bracelet and hands it to Evan.

They've never been into sentimental gifts, let alone homemade ones. Let alone ones where Evan would've logically been out of sight, out of mind to Jared.

But Evan wasn't, Jared thought of him all summer long and got to second base with a guy who vaguely resembled him, but would never measure up to the real freckle-dusted Evan Hansen.

Evan is a caught off guard, but he's smiling like an idiot, thanking Jared over and over again.

"It's nothing, really, Evan." Jared tells him, smiling himself. He pushes forward, "Do you have classes tomorrow? I could drive you."

Now, Evan smiles for a different reason, but calms it down.

He thinks about Jared climbing a tall rock wall, muscles flexing, and he thinks about wanting to have a million more afternoons like this one.

He quickly pulls up the class that's marked on his phone’s calendar and shows it to Jared.

He then wishes him a good night, and walks out the bedroom door, fiddling with the bracelet as he goes down the street towards his house.

He's a well-organized young man, he walks briskly, but a giddy feeling fills his lonesome heart up.

Jared stands in front of his bed and the words on Evan's digital schedule are all he can think about.

ENG - Introduction to Poetry

He should've kissed Evan right then and there. It would've been abrupt and out of the blue, but Evan has wit.

Either wit or well-timed college scheduling, whatever makes the difference.

Evan makes it home in time to change and catches the bus to work.

After his shift, his mom is home and fast asleep after a tiresome shift of her own.

He nestles himself in bed after pulling off his uniform and checks his messages one last time before turning on his alarm.

Usually, there are no messages, save for a mobile game notification or a calendar reminder, but there is a text from Jared:

good night. see you tomorrow at 9 :)

He sleeps soundly that night, excited for the sun to come up.

Evan tells his mom about seeing Jared yesterday during and after class; he is happy with every word he says, euphorically happy when he shows her the bracelet Jared made him.

Heidi will give him that, he's making friends in college.

More like reuniting with old ones, but a friend is a friend nonetheless.

Jared is right on time at nine o' clock and Evan rides off with him a little while after his mom is out the door.

The semester goes on and they are frequent study-buddies in the library as well as Jared or Evan's houses.

It is a no-brainer as to what Jared writes that first English essay about.

He writes about the importance of good friends, how having good friends and people in a person's live can help them maintain happiness.

He gets an A and Evan is insanely proud of him, reading the final submission and smiling at the anecdotes about himself.

They continue on to other the other papers that need writing as well as their other separate class work.

It hit him at first, but the thought creeps into Evan's mind over time. Over the period of weeks that he spends up in his room or Jared's, getting sidetracked from studying to talk until his tongue is dry and to laugh until his stomach is hurting.

He wears the blue and forrest green bracelet every day without fail and he sometimes cannot help but think about the scrawny poet that Jared had something with.

Evan is a sensitive person, Jared always teased him for it.

But if Jared is into the soft-spoken, sensitive type, then what does that mean for Evan?

Could he- could Jared? No, that's not it!

Is it? (Evan's better sleep schedule is still maintained, but he finds himself staring at the little smiley-face emoticon that is tacked on the end of Jared's good night messages every night, trying to find some meaning in it.)

That's what good writers do, find meaning in small things.

But there are no lines to be read between, a smiley-face is just that, a smiley-face.

It's everything else that Jared does that allows Evan to find meaning.

He listens extremely well to Evan talk about anything, he is more attentive now than ever.

He's nicer all-around, continuing on from graduation.

And that feels good- great. Evan feels giddy as hell the more he is around Jared.

The Winter semester goes past them and the Spring one starts up in early January.

They don't have any classes together, but they'll be damned if they don't make time for each other.

A revelation hits Evan like a sharp arrow to the chest.

He's sitting up in his room with Jared, halfway trying to convince him to get some work done and then they can goof-off, and halfway saying, "Screw it!" so he can hear laughter rumble in Jared's chest.

He realizes that he may have a bit of a staring problem, an issue he never thought to discuss with Dr. Sherman.

Or maybe he just doesn't know how to bring it up.

How is he supposed to bring up the fact that he found Zoe Murphy to be incredibly beautiful, so he stared at her from across the hallway like a creep, hoping but never able to walk over to her and say something?

Or how he thinks that Jared Klienman is incredibly handsome and attentive and funny- fucking hilarious, and he is mildly (extremely) freaking out that he feels something fluttery in his heart for a man.

How does he bring that up?

The answer is that he doesn't.

He keeps his feelings to himself for the most part, until he gets blindsided with sickeningly sweet ideas of Jared that swim around in his subconscious day and night.

He has to tell him, he can't stare at him like a creep forever. (Or stare at those damn biceps or his lips forever, either.)

It has snowed recently and the roads are covered in ice, road-salt is trying to melt it but with a little difficulty.

Though, the sidewalks are good and ice-free.

Evan, with incessant thoughts racing and swimming in his head, makes a stupid decision one frosty Friday night.

A partially illogical one, one that could wait.

But he can't wait anymore.

So, he bundles up, makes use of the "As Needed" label on the Ativan bottle, leaves a quick note on the refrigerator (I went to visit Jared, I'll be back soon! Love, Evan), and goes out for the twenty-five minute walk to Jared's house. (Evan is stupid, he should've reached out during Fall. Working his ass off in school is a good thing, but he should've brought Jared back into his life before now. Maybe this whole falling in love thing could've happened when it wasn't so cold outside.)

Mrs. Klienman's car isn't in the driveway. If Evan remembers correctly, she goes out most Fridays and leaves Jared to his own devices.

He knocks on the front door and it takes a minute before he can hear Jared coming down the stairs.

The door opens and the warm air from inside the house hits him in the face.

"What- Evan, hey. What the hell are you doing here?"

Jared looks confused (completely understandable when your best friend/the adorable-dork-you've-been-trying-to-get-with-for-years-but-to-no-avail shows up at eight-thirty at night) but there is joy present underneath the confusion.

It's like he's in one of those stupid rom-coms his mom likes to watch. Maybe Evan has some Love Actually note cards hidden away in his puffy coat.

Evan looks at Jared for a solid few seconds. It's dorky as hell, but Jared standing in the doorway in his pajamas like he is right now, is an image that Evan likes quite a lot.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." Jared quips, then gets a tad serious. "It's freezing outside, get in here." He somewhat pulls Evan into the house and shuts the door behind him to keep the frigid air out.

"I didn't- I don't mean to show up like this."

"It's fine. You know I don't mind you coming over." Jared says, walking Evan up the stairs toward his bedroom, "I was just playing a game, nothing serious."

Evan shrugs off his coat and beanie, which leaves his hair a little frizzy.

He sets his coat and hat down by the bean bag chair and takes a seat, though he is jittery beyond belief, gently tugging at the paracord bracelet.

Jared sits on the edge of his bed, looking over at Evan in all of his fidgety, frizzy-haired, rosy-cheeked glory.

Good lord, he is extremely gay; that is an accepted fact. Never too cool to proudly be in love with Evan Hansen.

"So," Jared says, "Why have you come to pay me a visit tonight?"

Evan shifts is his seat, the weight of what he's going to say is coming to him now all of a sudden.

He mumbled everything to himself on the walk here, rehearsing and revising the scrambled thoughts in his mind in an attempt to make them coherent.

Jared is looking at him, itching to know what he is going to say, but knowing not to push him. The last thing either of them need is for Evan to be thrown into a panic attack or go running for the bathroom to vomit out his worries.

But, the Ativan helps to calm his nerves. He's already gone through the worst-case scenario: Jared rejects him and never wants to see him again. While that does scare him, Evan thinks of the sensitive poet and how Jared wants to feel.

If Evan can do one thing, it's feel.

"I wanted to- okay... I- come on," He mutters, "come on" under his breath and Jared wholeheartedly has all the time in the world to let him get his thoughts in order.

Evan looks down at his lap for a second, mumbling to himself, then looks back at him.

"So- no. You know how I really, really liked Zoe when we were in high school?" He asks, trying and wanting to get to the point so he can rip this band-aid off.

Jared nods, somewhat begrudgingly, letting the opportunity for a snide comment roll on past him. That is what maturity is, that is what getting out of high school did to him.

It helped him out for the better.

Evan ceases his fiddling with the bracelet and goes for a hangnail on his finger, picking at it and continuing on. "Well," (Rip the band-aid off in one fell swoop) "I feel that way- like that about you."

Jared doesn't know what to do. He feels like that kid during freshman year all over again, looking at Evan with mushy-gushy feelings swelling in his heart.

"Wow." is all he can say at first, then a second time. "Wow. Holy shit. Really?"

Evan nods and his voice is soft, relieved that he said it, but trying to figure out what is going through Jared's mind.

"Yeah. Really."

Jared has always been a hard person to read, that remains true right now.

Evan doesn't know if he should feel guilty or not for saying it; Jared's "Really?" wasn't out of disgust or mockery, it was out of hope.

The hope is unmistakable now, not up for Evan's anxious interpretation.

Jared smiles to himself and a quiet laugh whistles in his nose.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"I really, really like you, too."

It is almost instant, Jared sees those words click into Evan's brain and he watches all of his nerves fall away.

Well, there's one tiny nerve left,

"Are you sure?"

That earns Evan a hearty chuckle and Jared tells him to sit with him on the bed.

"Yes! Yes, I am sure. I've really, really liked you for years!"

Jared has wanted to say that for years, Evan feels a little dumb when he asks the obvious question.

"Why, why didn't you tell me before now?"

Jared grins, in love with the most oblivious person on the planet.

"You were steadily making goo-goo eyes at Zoe Murphy since ninth grade, I didn't stand a chance. And, I didn't want to deal with that rejection. I was never going to tell you, truly."

He sighs and rests his hand on Evan's shoulder, a friendly juxtaposition to what he has just revealed. "But, there was no rejection, you confessed first."

Evan, like when he first saw Jared at the top of the Winter semester, has a million questions. He starts with one, the most important one next to the obvious question.

"When did you... I guess... first start feeling all this?"

"Freshman year, when this started to get curly." Jared emphasizes "this" with a gentle flick of a curl by Evan's ear, "I said you looked good, but you didn't just look good."

"What did I look like then?"

"You looked hot, still do."

Jared will say it straight, Evan has always appreciated that, even if his bluntness has been used for worse than for better.  Evan thinks to himself for a moment, looking straight ahead.

He was infatuated, then in love with Zoe, meanwhile Jared was infatuated, then in love with him.

And he couldn't see any of it.

Evan laughs at himself, smiling softly.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry-"

"Don't apologize, you were into someone else at the time. You couldn't have known."

Evan thinks of all the guys Jared has known and gotten to second base with and bragged about whilst calling Evan a virgin (while he, himself still is one).

Above all of them, Jared likes him the most. Has liked him the most for a long, long time.

"What do we do now?" Evan asks, a little unsure. Jared's arm goes over his shoulder and Evan relaxes a little bit.

"What do you want to do? I wouldn't mind a date, maybe first base... or second-"

"What?"

"I'm kidding!" Jared tells him quickly, "Well, only a little bit."

Evan sighs, a relieved "phew!" Jared's arm around his shoulder is making his heart excited enough as it is.

Start out slow, start out simple.

"A date would be nice."

"Are you busy tomorrow?"

Evan doesn't check his phone's calendar. He can sort anything out if he needs to.

"No, no. I'm not busy."

An idea comes to Jared instantaneously, something in him subconsciously pulls Evan a little closer to him. (He has wanted to hug Evan like this forever, but cool guys don't hug, and they definitely don't hug each other as guys who really, really like each other. Screw them, they aren't living!)

Jared's gaming laptop on the desk has gone idle, the clock displayed on it reads 9:04pm.

"Does your mom know your here?"

"Yeah, I left a note." Jared snickers, he has to ask,

"What'd it say? 'Mom, I went to go tell Jared that I'm really gay for him. B-R-B!'."

"No, I just told her that I'm over here to visit you." Evan states directly, but he does know that he'll have to explain this to his mom at some point or another.

Right now, he sets his mind to "another".

It's getting late and he has to head home.

Jared understands and lets Evan go, but not before sending him on his way giddily.

Evan pulls on his coat and beanie and steps halfway out the bedroom door, and Jared leaves him with,

"See you tomorrow, handsome."

A hot, handsome, genius writer.

Evan says goodbye to Jared and makes his way out the door and down the road. (His heart may burst at any second. He blames the cold winds, but he is flushed rosy pink when he arrives home to his still-empty house.)

At around eleven-forty-five, when Jared finally goes to bed, yet Evan is in the bathroom in the middle of the night, a by-now routine good night message is received on Evan's phone:

good night! see you tomorrow!! &lt;3

The date Jared thought of instantly was nothing special, but he took Evan's passionate explanation about spending time outside and put it to use.

While it is still cold, the daytime is much more forgiving than the night.

It's sunny out, which makes the cold less brutal.

Jared takes Evan out for a walk through the park.

Extremely simple, but Evan is grateful for it and more than happy to walk along a frozen pond with him side-by-side.

Eventually, when they manage to walk through the entirety of the park, they go back to Jared's house.

They're adults now and they spent some time outside, Mrs. Klienman can't yell at them to play outside.

So, they sit close together in front of the TV, taking turns at impossible-to-beat boss levels.

Boss levels and fights have always intimidated Evan, but he's full of love which manifests itself in determination to win.

It manifests in Jared's enthusiastic cheering and encouragement.

It takes a little more than ten minutes, but though encouragement and love-struck adrenaline, he beats a hard fight.

Jared can’t help himself, he cheers, “Yes!” And kisses Evan’s cheek when he’s still looking at the pixelated, “Save” marker.

Evan can physically feel his heart float around in his chest, on top of the fucking world.

As the days go on, Evan and Jared are at the happiest anyone has ever seen them.

Heidi sees it, all of her son’s euphoria, and asks Evan about it after he comes home from work.

He’d asked Jared if and when he could tell his mom and he was told to, “Tell her whenever you want to.”

So, he did just that, found time to sit her down and tell her that he’s going out with Jared.

While she wasn’t expecting it in the slightest, Heidi is accepting of it. All that matters to her is that Evan is safe and happy, which he is.

He very much is.

Evan’s anxiety sometimes shows itself as organization and perfectionism, still not wanting to draw much attention to himself or mess anything up.

Which is why he tries to find a way to give himself and Jared a perfect first kiss; waiting for a sunset or picture-perfect day that he learns doesn’t exist.

He learns that what he may view as perfect does not exist.

He learns that because it happens when Jared picks him up for school one day in mid-February.

A few days before Valentine’s Day, where everyone and their mother is going out and depleting the store shelves in a hurry.

There’s a grocery store bag behind the driver’s seat and Evan looks right at it.

“What’s that?”

“Nothing.” Jared tells him.

“It doesn’t look like nothing.” Evan tells him, the bag looks full and Jared should’ve put it in the truck. (No, he shouldn’t have. Everything falls into place.)

Jared sighs and looks right at Evan,

“Alright, you caught me. Just wait for a couple days, can you do that?”

Evan is aware that Valentine’s Day is in a couple days and the mere thought that Jared got him something makes his simple heart oh-so happy.

Jared’s heart is oh-so happy as well, because Evan is leaned-in close and kissing him without a second, hesitant thought.

Grinning like the biggest dummy on the planet, Jared just tells him to, “Oh, come on. You know I’ve been waiting for that! How about another one, for good measure?”

On top of the fucking world.

Both dealing with class work and mundane part-time jobs, but on top of the world nonetheless.

Jared is still sarcastic and quick with a joke, but they aren’t cruelly at Evan’s expense.

He doesn’t need to do that anymore, he doesn’t need to be mean to avoid his love for Evan or the scrutiny of middle and high school kids.

Evan was on a path of self-improvement since graduating, a path that continues and intertwines with self-love. (If Jared loves him amongst everyone else he’s ever been with, there must be something really there.)

They’ve grown a lot, improved a lot over time.

Matured and found ways to persevere though the worst of days.

Collectively, they could not be any prouder of each other.