#i may be miserable. but i will make sure this silly guy isn't

[matd0]

my favourite thing to do is draw miserable characters happy.

works better than getting therapy tbh

[bunnakit]

my stand in ep 4 thoughts, feelings, etc

WOW WA WE WAA THAT SURE WAS AN EPISODE HUH - happy to report i went back through the episode slowly this week and took notes and really tried to gather everything i wanted to say (but i will inevitably forget something)

🌸 ok disclaimers because i have a lot of them for this particular episode 🌸

i'm just a silly guy on the internet, i'm not an expert in mental health, psychology, body language, whatever. most days i can't even take care of myself. i'm just saying things recreationally.

PLEASE do not put novel spoilers in my replies, reblogs, or tags without a warning notice. i've got an itchy blocking finger for it these days.

i am treating ming and joe and everyone involved in this show as if they were real life human beings. ming was not born some mustache twirling villain sent from hell to make joe miserable. joe is not some pure angel descended from the clouds to do no wrong. everyone in this show exhibits very human behavior and that can be distressing under certain circumstances. i'm just going to comment on them as humans. i'm not interested in a round table discussion on why a character is irredeemable, the scum of the earth, etc. i'm just putting my thoughts out there and you can take them or leave them.

🌸 alright yucky disclaimer time over 🌸

the episode really just picks us back up where everything left off - and yet joe still made ming breakfast, and ming isn't stupid (well right now at least,) he knows something is off.

i am confused why tong needs to get married on this specific day. and like bro how fast are you getting married? relax. the whole thing is just unstoppable force (trajectory of this producers career) meets immovable object (tong's fuckass stubbornness) and the collateral damage is massive.

and then there's the question of did joe ever want to play a lead? or did he let his impulsiveness and hurt put a target on his back? (only emphasized by the fact that everyone assumed joe would turn down the role)

i DO apologize for all my doubt surrounding wut. he, ja, and may are the only people in this show with any god damn sense. maybe jojo and yim. we'll see.

getting into the confrontation at joe's work, i really don't think it's that surprising when we keep in mind ming genuinely has no fucking clue what is going on. all he knows is joe woke up, was acting weird, didn't come home, and then told him to pack up his shit and leave with ZERO explanation. like, joe's completely in the right, but i'd also be confused as fuck. (i wouldn't go to someone's work about it but, y'know, we know ming acts in extremes.)

and to me this is where it really became obvious that joe has always been able to overpower ming, to get away from him, as we have seen joe's physical prowess, we've seen what he's capable of, but he never uses his body to move ming away from him - that's not who joe is, he's not someone that would put his hands on another person like that. it's just another way ming and joe are the direct antithesis of each other.

it's my thought that the argument escalates because ming is used to getting everything he wants - except for tong, and now joe. when joe begins to push him away and deny him his substitution for tong i think ming lashes out in his hurt with a thought of "it's happening again, why doesn't anyone want me?"

i will say while i do believe sol has good intentions for the most part his white knighting is getting a little irksome. while convenient, it just shows how much he's still hovering and laying in wait for a chance with joe - he, too, is not respecting joe's wishes. no is a complete sentence, sol.

and then things continue back at home and joe finally, finally throws ming's words back at him: if i'm so terrible to be with, if you're so great, why are you wasting your time with me?

and ming doesn't have an answer. what ming DOES have is another back embrace, arms wrapped around joe as he asks "don't you love me anymore?" but is he asking joe or tong?

"although i'm not as good as tong" even now joe's rampant self worth issues are still at play but at least he finally knows he's worth more than whatever this is.

then the phone rings and to me, ming looks skittish. he looks shaken. he's never seen joe so angry and he's scared and as the call progresses that fear morphs into rage when sol calls joe. and the thing is, regardless of who played the main role, ming was never going to be happy. it was either going to be joe or tong playing opposite sol and neither of those things would have been acceptable.

and then i said, out loud, in my quiet office: OH! and promptly lost my shit in the group chat.

ming doesn't look wholly present after his act of violence. his face is vacant, like he isn't completely seeing or grasping what he's just done. i get the impression that ming isn't mentally well; stress and fear and anger have a way of making people do really fucking stupid things and as these things happen you risk falling into the sunk cost fallacy - you've already gone this far, you can't stop now - which all aligns with the obsessive behavior we've seen from ming in the past.

as joe wakes up and they talk once again joe doesn't blame ming, he blames himself for not seeing the writing on the walls even though it was written in invisible ink.

"all these times we were together did you ever love me?"

"you can't tell?"

again, so much of the blame and emotional responsibility of their situationship is put on joe and ming refuses to communicate any of his feelings, perhaps because he doesn't know how to after repressing everything for so long.

WE DIDN'T GET HOT KINKY CHAINED UP SEX THOUGH, WHY DOES GOD HATE ME SPECIFICALLY

but the way joe looks at ming as they linger there in the wake of joe's request looks like a goodbye, the way his eyes soak in every detail of ming's face. despite all of this and the nightmare it has turned into he did love ming, perhaps still does, and he does have some of those good memories he was so desperate to keep.

though like.. joe.... maybe we could consider a different career path??? instead of just jumping to risking our lives? like sure food service sucks, cashiering sucks, etc. but you aren't in danger of falling off any cliffs, you know? and let's be real, he could just go into modeling with those looks.

it's my impression that when ming calls joe he looks haggard, like he's lost numerous nights of sleep (and we really don't know how much time has passed) but either way it does seem like he's at least done some amount of reflecting. his voice comes across soft, subdued, and sincere.

and after everything, back in the present, we see ming. he's still in the apartment, desperately calling joe's name all these years later, still unable to sleep and waiting for joe to come home just like he asked him to years ago.

maybe ming never wanted to enter the entertainment industry before, but he has now. perhaps it was never for the attention or the money, maybe he chose to promote those watches because it was a reminder of the gift from joe. and maybe this job, in this specific industry, is the closest he can feel to joe now. and maybe with new influence and connections ming can find out why he was never able to tell joe he loved him before he lost him.

WHO KNOWS, NOT ME, CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT THO

[valittlecorner]

Yknow what's amazing?? The way Kanata is portrayed as being very blunt and "mean" but a very emotional and human at the same time. You see, most mean-coded characters are made to appear emotionless and without empathy. But Kanata... He's different. He's really emotional in every way; He cries pretty often when facing conflict with someone close (nayuta lmao), if he's happy he's very smiley and laughs a lot, but is also irritated easily and isn't afraid of showing it. Keyword being "not afraid of showing (emotions)". It may appear small and silly but it means so much to me. It's like they're telling you emotions don't make you weak, but make you stronger. It's amazing how they make Kanata a very relatable character by making him not feel like a character, but a person. Kanata's humanity can be seen a lot through the fake Nayu, an illusion he himself created. As Phantommetals are linked to the soul, some of Kana's real feelings and thoughts stored in his subconscious materialized in fake Nayu, making him say some stuff Kanata definitely didn't want to hear (like the illusion saying he should move on from actual Nayu). When the illusion confronts Kanata he gets very mad and sad and a mix of everything, basically an emotional mess. This is also a pretty good showcase of how humans deny their real feelings and inner struggles in order to "be happier", but that's just another way of making us miserable when too many problems pile up and come to get us. It's just, taken way too literally with Kanata's subconscious (fake Nayu) literally having arguments with him and trying to convince him to better his life, with Kanata denying it to death cause he's stubborn and doesn't want to let go of his past. A past when he was happier. After some self work and the help of (actual) Nayu, he's slowly getting back on track from those depressive episodes with the illusion. He doesn't have eyebags anymore and seems way happier, thus showcasing a satisfactory growth in him. With some help he's been able to better his life step by step, even if there's still a long way to go, you have to start somewhere. This whole sequence just tells you the writing for Kanata is amazing. For me, he's the most genuine character I've ever found in fiction so far. A guy full of emotions, attitude, regret, stubbornness, trauma and inner struggles trying to be better and learn more day by day, just like us people. It frustrates me how some people overlook this amazing character by reducing him to "a tsundere". Sure, Kanata isn't someone who trusts others easily after a traumatic childhood, and isn't buddy-buddy with most people (allen sugasano) which makes him fit the tsun trope, but some of you are getting too comfortable completely dismissing his incredible writing and genuineness by just calling him the tsundere one. I agree he fits the trope and don't care if you call him whatever, just don't forget he's so, so much more than that. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[space-blue]

Hi, I'm not sure if you've talked about this before and it might be silly to ask this, but I'm curious about your opinion:

There was a scene that surprised me quite a bit in episode 6 when Vi escapes. Initially, Silco was sitting calmly, and then boom! Everything explodes. It's understandable, but it's strange because Silco has always reacted in a cautious and calm manner, except for one time in episode 3 when he was talking to Vander. After that, he has been someone who knows how to stay calm. I've seen people say that Silco's reaction is because he's a megalomaniac who doesn't like anything being out of his control, but I don't think that's the case. I think it's something more complex. I see Silco as someone who internalizes everything to maintain control or appears to have it, keeping his thoughts and emotions to himself. That's why you see Silco exhaling or releasing tension before and after meeting with his associates, but I might be wrong. Anyway, I'd like to know what you think is the reason for Silco's actions.

And I'm sorry if I made a mistake in my grammar, I don't speak English very well

Hello anon! Thank you for reaching out and asking me this question... It sends me back to my Arcane meta days with a big smile on my face.

But honestly, I don't know who looks at Silco in that episode, having finished the story, and thinks he screams because he's megalomaniac. Not only does this not go with the rest of his character, it just fails to comprehend his character arc.

Silco doesn't want power. He wants freedom, and he wants his mission to realise itself. Silco has more of a religious fervour to him. He's a zealot. He speaks of the 'Nation of Zaun' with an air of rapture. He believes it, lives only for it. Just because we may not like his ways doesn't change that. I mean look at this guy :

#fully lost in the sauce

A character who really wants power would be Finn. We see him fallen to the trappings of wealth, plotting to uproot Silco from his position. Finn never shows any care for the cause. He only cares about supplanting Silco.

If Silco truly cared about power, then why is he still leaving down deep, on top of a night club? If he's a megalomaniac, why are his list of conditions for Jayce not covering him, but demanding amnesty for his people and equal access to the Gate for commerce?

No. Silco isn't a megalomaniac. He definitely wants to be in control, but that's hardly surprising for a leader. We also only ever know Silco at crazy important moments of his life, where his plans are running wildly or exploding in his face. It's not exactly every day Silco.

Most of the people we see him interacting with also tell us things : of course he needs to be ruthless and in control while facing Marcus. That man would lash out at the slightest show of weakness. Same with the other chembarons, who actively turn on him after the factory attack (that makes him look weak).

Silco isn't a control freak to be a jackass. He's like that because he's a Zaunite, and a Zaunite in a dangerous position of power. He's shaped by his environment too.

Anyway, why does he lose his cool in episode 6?

It's actually a very short answer! It's because of Jinx.

Jinx is his everything. Across my many meta posts I covered how codependent they are. How she physically abuses him, yet he never reaches out with any force towards her. The most violent he is, is after she nearly ruined his life plans and won't listen, and all he does is snatch a pen from her hand to make her pay attention.

They exchange caresses, rest against each other. He keeps her gifts on his official desk and actively uses them. And in the end, he can't accept her mortality, and sacrifices everything he's suffered and fought for his entire sad, fucking miserable life, because he loves her more than his cause.

So why does Silco lose it? Because Vi is alive, Vi is looking for Jinx, and Vi is the only person who could actively take Jinx away from him.

I mean like a day or two prior Jinx lost her shit and nearly killed Sevika because she saw a pink haired girl. Silco takes her to the pilt to try and soothe her and put her demons behind her, the only way he knows how. And then she happily gets to work! She's doing well!

But Silco isn't dumb. He knows Jinx is unstable and unpredictable. And finding Sevika hung like a ham from the ceiling? With a broken arm? Yeah, he knows she knows, and she's pissed... And he KNOWS that he just told her that VI IS DEAD. Which he 100% believed! Since when Sevika tell him about Vi being back he's like "From the dead???" in total horror and disbelief.

Marcus completely blindsided him, and it's a race against time now.

A race in which if Vi lives and finds Jinx... His Jinx, the only person he thinks he has... The girl he loves more than his cause, even if he hasn't fully realised it yet... Might hate him. She might decide to leave him.

Then he'd be alone again. And uhm... IDK if you all noticed but like... Silco isn't exactly a picture of clean mental health either. He's trauma ridden, set in very harsh ways, and has a solid spark of paranoia (which has kept him alive, but also isolated).

So the Silco screaming and spitting and kicking is a Silco who thinks that potentially everything will be fucked up now. He's stressed about the developing situation (the one where he asked his unstable daughter to basically make a nuke with stolen uranium, while juggling an increasingly strained sheriff and actively traitorous colleagues), AND the potential idea of his ONE person, his one broken, fucked up, twisted emotional bond, potentially being ripped from him.

Last time that happened, Vander was trying to drown him.

So he's just in a Bad Place™️

Cut the poor man some slack ahaha. I think it's normal that the mask finally cracks and reveals his emotions.

Silco isn't a cold character! His speech to Vander shows his zealotry and his passion! He has a dark humour too, and is aggressive and bitter when cornered. Silco wears a mask of cool professionalism when it's convenient, which is very often, as a leader in the undercity. But he also shows lots of emotions whenever suits.

I don't think you can be a cold character and stay riveted on your insane freedom fight for like 20+ years. He's got a big fire burning in there, and the scene in episode 6 is the proof of how hot it gets when he thinks he's about to lose it all. All your examples of him 'reining it in' are great too! He clearly has strong emotions. He just manages them a lot.

I hope this answers your question! AAaaaahhhh look at me, I just went and gushed, didn't I?

Thanks a lot Anon. And your English is better than some native speakers I know, so don't worry! <3

[thewriterowl]

hi Owl, I'm feeling kinda down right now - any fluffy dinluke to help?🐱

Hi! I am so sorry that you're feeling down...I really hope things perk up and get better for you soon. I am happy to provide what my husk of a brain can provide!

So, fluff....hmmm...

I am thinking something silly with the fluff. Like, let's face it, Din is an intense romantic at heart. He might not label himself as such but the man has a caretaker kink as big as Canada and is protective, soft, and feels so much despite not wanting to. He's gonna be hella romantic with Luke.

He will just say it's him just doing things. No big deal. He can stop at any time (he really can't).

Din uses a lot of pet-names. Luke may on occasion but our favorite Jedi is actually one who really loves and appreciates Din's name. He loves that he is given the gift of using Din's name and he is grateful for it daily--so he wants to use it daily. I also don't see Luke having much access to positive nicknames on Tatooine and after years of being called "Wormie" probably isn't sure what he could call someone like Din.

Din, on the other hand, is all "cyare, cyar'ika, darling, sweetheart, beloved, baby (if space has this nickname you bet your ass he's using it on Luke), starshine, sunlight, angel," he will use Luke's name of course...but his first go-to is an affectionate pet-name (just how Grogu is often kid or buddy--even if he knew his name from the start, he would be using things like that often)

Din wants to be a house-husband. But he also wants Luke to be a house-husband. He just wants to relax and take care of a small, comfortable home and their children and not have stress. He's fine with chores, he can like doing them honestly because they let his mind wander but he is still doing things...only it isn't dangerous like so much of his life deals with. Laundry, dishes, sweeping; he'll do it. He'd rather do it than for Luke to have to. (of course, if he's king, he can't be a house-husband and he sulks over this all the time)

Luke is all good with chores as well. They don't bug him. But apparently Din really likes to do it, so they make a compromise.

Din does many of the chores...and he is not allowed to touch the garden or most of the cooking.

Din can boil stuff. He can make some decent stews (he's gotten a lot better since he can finally focus on some hobbies and not eating for survival) but he's not amazing at it. Din is miserable with gardening. The plants wither at the sight of him.

So, Din can't make breakfast in bed for Luke though he really, really wants to. He has to pout as Luke does it for him, sulking even more as his husband laughs at him, and says that it is fine. Though Luke didn't grow up with much, his aunt ensured he knew how to take care of himself with cooking and sewing and such things. Luke may not always eat much but he is amazing with growing incredible vegetables and fruits and herbs that he uses in his cooking to feed his hungry family.

Luke also will stitch up the clothing of his boys, often times making little hearts (as Beru taught him). Din goes feral whenever he finds them. It makes him feel so loved and thought of (and pathetically mushy, as Paz will point out).

Din buys gifts for his family all the time. He used to be so frugal with his credits. Now? He is not allowed in a market on his own or he will use all the treasury of Mandalore to get his babies something special (Paz is in charge of dragging him away). Luke keeps trying to tell him that while he loves and appreciate it, this is not needed since he is not a very materialistic guy.

Also, in my head Luke is not a fashionista. He has no idea how to dress himself. He lived off of hand-me-downs and Rebel-fatigues for years. He started dressing nice after meeting Leia. She is the one who gets him looking all nice and then Din does it. Din might not care for appearances...but the guy can actually dress himself. Sure, it may be in armor, but he can put himself together and look good. He just doesn't care (Luke just is a mess who is all "this bright yellow looks nice and soft, that should work!"). He loves dressing Luke. Loves picking out outfits for him and always gets Luke looking so good in everything.

It honestly surprises Leia that her brother-in-law is so on point with dressing her idiot brother.

If Luke and Din have been apart for too long they will run to each other and hug, often times lifting the other up because they are just so excited to be reunited.

[pixie88]

On Pause

Chapter 22 - Always the Bridesmaid.  

A/N: Please don’t hate me for this chapter. 1 Chapter left of ATB, that will be out within the next week. Thank you again to all those following this story and continue to follow it, you have no idea how much it means to me that you take the time to read. 😘 

Please if you don’t like this series ask to be untagged or don’t read.

Read previous chapters HERE!

Warnings: Fluff & Mild NSFW

Word Count: 1967

Pairings: Laila x Harry

Enjoy! 😘 

"Laila....?" he looks over to her for a second, "Like give up my flat permanently?" her voice is a whisper, she quickly sobers up "Well, yeah or I could move into yours if you don't want to move to mine?" she goes to speak but nothing comes out "Laila? What do you think?" he asks.

"Erm...I...errr....don't you think it's a little too soon?" he seems a little taken aback by her answer "But you're practically living there now, so what's the difference?" she knows what he's saying is right "But I..always have the option to go back home. If I move in to yours I don't have the option anymore"

"So you don't want to move into mine because you won't have an option to go back home?" he asks her confused "Harry, it's a big step....we've only been together 3 months. If this doesn't work out....I'd have to go back to square one again. Buy a new flat, new things" he pulls up outside his flat "That's what you're waiting on? Us to fail?" he seems a little hurt when he asks.

He takes the keys out of the ignition "NO! I didn't say that, I just meant we haven't been official for long and moving in...together...now. Well, it's a bit too soon!" he sighs, "Basically, I'm good enough to keep you safe from Vicky but to permanently move in I'm not?" he almost hisses at her "NO!! Don't put words in my mouth! Harry...I would love nothing more than to live with you permanently but when the time is right"

"That's the thing.... I don't think the time will ever be right," he gets out of the car slamming his door, without looking back at her, he walks through the main entrance and heads towards the stairs.

She sighs, knowing she's hurt him, but she doesn't want to rush into things for it to blow up in her face. She knows it's not just living that she's scares her... it's also losing him.

She gets out of the car and makes her way up, when she steps inside, the flat is dark. She wanders towards the living room which is dark flipping the lights on she saw him sat on the sofa with his head in his hands "Harry, I'm sorry, but I'm just not ready," he runs his hands down his face "I was thinking maybe I should go back to mine..." he stands and turns towards her "Do what you want! I don't want you to think I've taken that option away from you" he says as he passes her.

"Harry, don't be like that! I just think it would be moving too fast..." he cuts her off "You think we are moving too fast? OK, then sweetheart lets slow it right down....I think we should take a break to figure out what we want" Laila's blood runs cold "What?! Harry..." he turns away from her walks into the bathroom and closes the door.

She realises this isn't up for discussion.

After he closed the bathroom door, Laila heard the bath starting to fill, she stormed into the bedroom, grabbed her bag and packed just the stuff she needed before leaving the flat without waiting for him to finish in the bathroom.

She takes the tube as she's had too much to drink to drive home.

The next day.

She wakes her head is pounding, she woke up hoping last night was a bad dream, but reality hit and she realised it wasn't a dream. She turned off her phone when she got in last night, she didn't want to speak to anyone today.

After she got up and dressed, she needed to get some shopping in. She was in the supermarket trying to decide which pizza to get "You alright Laila?" she turned where she spots Ivie "Oh hey Ivie! How are you?" she puts on a fake smile, "I'm great thanks! You? How's your boyfriend?" Laila tries to smile but Ivie notices her eyes start to gloss over "Oh dear! Laila what's happened? Why don't we grab a coffee from the cafe upstairs and have a chat"

Ivie takes Laila's arm and leads her upstairs "You take a seat and I'll get these. Coffee is it?" Laila nods as she sits down at a table, she watches the shoppers below. The couples buying groceries together... Why didn't I just move in with him? Would be better than how I'm feeling now! She thought.

"Here you go, duck," Ivie says placing her coffee in front of her, "Do you want to tell me what happened?" Ivie asks. Taking a deep breath Laila relaid what happened last night to Ivie when she's finished Ivie sighs "You know me and my Archie split for 2 years in the begin, then we had 45 wonderful years together before he passed away. So, Laila don't see this as the end, it's the beginning you both just want to make sure you are ready for the next step that's all!" she smiles at her.

After her talk with Ivie, Laila feels a little lighter. She decides to go and pick up her car from his place, when she arrived his car was gone. She was a little disappointed, but knew they needed space.

Over the next few days or so Laila went into a routine she'd get up, shower, have breakfast, head to work, work all day, lock up head home, have dinner, a bath then bed. She worked on her days off and was the first to offer to cover another stylist if they needed, the truth was she didn't want to go home because it was quiet and she would do nothing but just sit there thinking about Harry and what's he doing.

She still ignored the world she muted all chats after she told her family, she was fine, but she needed time.

She saw Harry had messaged her, she sent a quick message back.

One week turned into two of the same routines .

That night Laila ordered a pizza after she had a shower and decided to binge on Netflix, the buzzer went she went over to the intercom and buzzed up the delivery guy. As she opens the door, she's greeted by a big bouquet, she can't see the delivery guy behind them, "Oh, wow..." the flowers drop revealing his boyish smile and his ocean blue eyes.

"Harry?" she wasn't expecting to see him, suddenly she becomes self conscious of how she looked "Can I come in?" he pleads with her, she nods moving aside, so he could come inside. They make their way into the living room and he takes a seat on the sofa, placing the flowers down on the table. A ringlet of his hair drapes down wet from the rain as his coat was also wet "You look beautiful," he says as she sits down with space between them.

"Thanks, how are you?" she asks, he lets out a small laugh as he shook his head "Honestly?" She nods "Absolutely miserable!" he moves closer to her "Laila, I miss you!" he cups her face and she smiles "I know it's stupid considering I was the one that said we should take a break, but I thought maybe that's what you needed because things were moving to fast for you. Worst idea ever, I've done nothing but pine for you! I may have even walked passed your work a couple of times just to get a glimpse of you"

She laughs "Stalker much," he laughs at her comment "But I miss you too" his lips crash to hers, its rough and passionate "Laila, please can we resume this," he whispers against her lips, she smirks "Resume? Harry, we aren't a video game," she laughs, "Fine, get back together, unpause, take me back, be mine! If you aren't ready to take that step..fine, but I just want you back" he says as he reclaims her lips.

Laila can't help smile against his lips, he pulls away "Is that a yes?" He asks her "I'm not sure I need a little more convincing" she smirk, his lips brush against her ear electrifying every nerve ending "Let's see if I can convince you" he peppers kisses along her neck and up to her lips.

He pulls her onto his lap until she's straddling him, her hands tangle in his hair. The kiss turns intense, they're both trying to catch, their breath but they don't break apart. Harry grasps the hem of her t-shirt, pulling it over her head and quickly moves to unclip her bra as his lips move down to her collarbone before he flings her bra off.

His lips move down to her chest, his tongue glazes her nipple making her gasp. His hand slips between the waistband of her shorts, the pads of his fingers parted her fold, he worked circles around her clit. She pulls his lips back to hers, her hands wander to push off his jacket, soon both their clothes have created a puddle on the floor.

His hips thrust up to meet hers "God, I've missed you" he hisses as he enters her, she's missed him just as much and he could tell by the way her body reacted to his touch. He drags his nails lightly against her spine, making her moan. Her hips moved faster, riding him harder. He groans against her collarbone..

Later.

Pulling their clothes back on, Harry pulls her to his chest "Was that convincing enough?" he kisses the top of her head. She pretends to think "Hmm...it depends!" she laughs,"Depends? Depends on what?" he smirks at her "If there is a round 2" she winks "OK, just give me 5 minutes to catch my breath"

She tuts "Harry Taylor, the personal trainer is out of breath? How disappointing!" she jokes, he lets out a small laugh, "But yes! I want to resume this....this break made me realise I was being silly. So, Mr. Taylor, will you level up with me?" she sits up to look at him "Level up?" he cocks his head to the side not understanding her question.

"Will you move in with me? Over the past 2 weeks I hated coming home and you haven't been here. It made me realise maybe I was more ready for the step than I thought" he smiles, his hand moves a strand of hair away from her face, "Of course, you didn't even need to ask. Could've just moved my stuff in!" she laughs, "We aren't living here!" she smirks.

"Oh, you could've just moved your stuff to mine..." she cuts him off "Nope, I want us both to sell our flats and find somewhere new"

"Whoa! Are you sure? Laila, that is a big step!" she looks at him confused "One, I want to take but I want you to be one hundred percent about," he says as she rolls her eyes at him and cups his face "Harry, I'm sure. I just want a place that is both of us! One we can decorate together, where it doesn't have yours or my stamp on it but ours"

She has no idea how happy she has made him, he watches her relay her ideas on what kinda place she wants.

He's missed that smile, those eyes, her laugh.

She stops talking realising he's just staring at her "What?" she asks, he gets up picking her up with him, "Come on, we'll get started on round 2" he walks them to her bedroom.

Continue reading this story here - Chapter 23.

@lem-20​ @irisofpurple​ @aussieez​ @secretaryunpaid​ @khoicesbyk​ @txemrn​ @gloriousalmondvoiddreamer​ @tea-me-kah​ @casualpostqueen​ @beautifuluknownvoid​ @wombatsxkookaburras​

[kidmachinate]

Individuality

(the above is to poke fun at myself for times in which I didn't catch onto advances or that one time I offered a towel. you know who you are...)

Preferences are as follows. I am a straight demisexual male. While people I knew were sleeping with whoever whenever as if to keep school or doing the drugs, I was genuinely trying to build emotional connections with people and sometimes I'd end up dating these individuals. Not always, but the ones I'd choose to date would have to at least fill that emotional requirement and the bond best be strong for me to consider sleeping with 'em. I can honestly count my partners on one hand. I think keeping score is silly (the mentality that goes behind it) but I'm not here to slut shame or w/e either. People have preferences, I had mine, much like anyone else. The "looks" were not the key. They would help but are not front and center.

Outside of the above, I find it easier to talk to women when it comes to emotions or philosophical stuff. It isn't as easy to have those conversations with guys. They might thing you're "gay" which...well...I think that thinking is "gay" because it is closed minded and stupid. Also, that context of the word is dated and really should just leave people's vocabulary. Get with the times. I used it here in this context only to prove a point. I suppose I find it easier overall to sympathize with a female emotionally. It has always been this way. Maybe I just don't want to deal with or identify with how man must be tough and like rock. Void of emotion. Or at least that is how it seemed being raised. I rejected this along with a forced religion. I've come to accept people have to do what feels right and neither thing quite sat with me.

So where does this put me exactly? When I discovered the term demisexual a few years back it helped me understand why I couldn't just do "the sex" any and all the time, regardless of how much I may think about it or joke about it. Once there is that person, sure. Crazy shit can happen. But who IS that person. Gets difficult. Didn't get any easier in periods of time in which I was single in my 30s either. It hits harder to lose a connection. You put your all into it. Combine this with being both INFJ-T and a HSP and you've got well...am I even a "man"? What IS a man really but a miserable pile of secrets? I try not to keep so many of those when building these stronger connections...I'm just selective on who I choose to share them with in the first place. 

I can be a pretty open book but there are layers, walls, keys to be given out to unlock parts of me not all see. How complex it all seems. Why would anyone even think to approach someone like this? I know I'm not alone in this feeling and whoever does feel the same will differ from me too. We can have differences and bond still but my attractions combined with openness towards women at times can be a deadly combination.

Why oh why does this post hit my mind now when I've thought it for days, months, years even, since discovering these things? Perhaps it comes at a time of vulnerability. Or perhaps it just feels like the right time to get it out. This isn't a fresh start but a realization that I'm coming to terms with. Putting somewhere. I'm just another person though. Another person with a unique set of thoughts and ideals...and like many others, they don't have to follow one's specific set of rules or expectations outside of the ones you make for yourself. 

Just. Be. You.

[ready8210]

Let me in your heart again

3. Something’s missing

Vivian

Los Angeles / United States - Airport

The last view hours of our flight went by unspectacular. After my little comedic interlude earlier today, I preferred to maintain a low profile for the rest of the journey and stay on the sideline.

After almost 12 hours, filled with watching movies, listening music, editing photos and conversations with Roger, we arrived at our destination - sunny Los Angeles.

Roger, the little nosy scallywag he is, didn't insist to switch seats with Phoebe, to, as he called it, sweeten his day with me.

At least time flew and I learned something about the excessive life of a famous Rock band, as he amused me with stories about groupies and parties.

Whereas Freddie fell back into old patterns. After miming the nice guy for exactly two minutes, he was very busy to give me hell, with nasty remarks and potshots, for the remaining 718 minutes of the flight. Asshole!!

„We're standing here for about 30 minutes now, I think you should go meet the guys and head to the house." I say to him, as I dandle from one feed to another, with increasing worry. We were standing at the baggage claim, for what felt like ages, to wait for one of my suitcases to arrive. Unfortunately for the one, containing half of my photo equipment and to make it even worse, when I say photo equipment, I mean my sanctuaries.

After a horrible flight, the nightmare continues. A photographer without his camera, a really great start for my new job. Since meeting this Freddie guy, misfortune haunts me.

Phoebe, who wanted to help me with carrying my numerous suitcases and bags, tries to calm me in his soft soothing voice.  "I'm sure your luggage will be here soon. We wait another 5 minutes."

"The others must be really pissed off already. You should go Phoebe. I can handle this on my own. I'll get me a taxi later." I try to refuse his offer. I don't even want to think about the impact, this delay will have on Freddie's state of mind. He hates me already, I don't want to aggravate the situation even more.

Phoebe notices my nervousness and starts to rub my back. "Don't be silly. I'll stay here with you. Don't puzzle your head about it. They can wait a little longer."

"Is everybody in Garden Lodge that stubborn?" A grin forms on my lips and I almost forget about my sorrows for a minute.

"You cheeky devil you." Phoebe smirks and pushes my shoulder.

"I just don't want to incur „the prince of darkness' wrath." I can't suppress a eye rolling, when suddenly Phoebe's cellphone starts to ring. I augur ill as I try to construe his mien.

"Freddie hi......

Wait, wait, wait.....Just give us another 10 minu.....

No, her bag is missing....no with the equipment.....

It's just 10 minutes Freddie....fine, see you in a view." he rashly ends the call, while screwing up his face.

"He already is furious, isn't he?"

I'm honest. I could cry right now.

Phoebe lets out a long haggard sigh „I'm afraid he is."

Facing the floor, I numbly shake my head.  "Great. He'll give me hell. We've waited long enough now, I should speak to the airline staff." I declare, while starting to walk away.

"Ok, lets go. Let me take this" he affirms with a smooth smile, as he grabs one of my suitcases and we make our way.

* * * *

„Look who finally arrived. You better have a good excuse. We're cooling our heals for an hour now." A furious Freddie impatiently tabs his feet with crossed arms. His narrowed eyes burning holes into mine.

A weak and almost invisible „Sorry." comes over my lips, as I shamble towards the waiting group, standing in front of the parking van, that would bring us to our final destinations.

"If this is your excuse, you've failed miserably." he hisses, his expression turning even darker, so his eyes look almost black.

"Let's just go." I mumble absently, seeing Roger stepping in front of me, looking at Freddie grim-faced, laying his hands on my shoulders and searching for eye contact, with a worried look on his face.

I have to smile at him shyly, as I feel tears filling my eyes.

That's just wonderful. Don't start to cry in front of Mr Rock God. You have to be strong now.

"What's wrong Viv?" Roger whispers in concern, now patting my shoulder.

"Nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 won't take care of." I quip.

Freddie slightly starts to chuckle at my reply.  Maybe seeing me dead would lighten his mood.

Roger smiles weakly, as the others start to get into the van. „You have your luggage?"

"No, it's lost." I tell him concerned, fumbling in my bag.

"They send it somewhere else?" he asks, as he steps back a little.

Putting out my cigarettes,  I face him again. „No, they don't know where it is." I stop him with a wave of my hands.

Yes, I put out my cigarettes. I really don't care if I smell like an ashtray anymore. Mr Mercury hates me anyway and maybe the smell will keep Casanova aka Roger away.

"I'm sure you'll get it back soon." he tries to convince me rather badly, stepping besides me, to lay his arm around my shoulder and rub my arm. Roger seems to be out of words for the first time in history.

Putting the cigarette in my mouth and lighting it, I just let out a weary hum, before taking the first puff.

We just stand their silently for a view minutes, as I hold the cigarette in front of Roger, to break the awkward silence.

"Thanks" he chirps with a wink and takes a puff.

"If looks could kill....we better get in." I mumble, as I notice Freddie shooting me a vicious glare, while stepping into the car with a face like thunder.

The fact, that I only have to survive one last car ride with him today, gives me new confidence. I can manage one ridiculous drive, all I have to do is stay silent and not be provoked by my new pal. Honestly, how hard can it be?

"Congratulations everybody, our personal standup comedian has finally made it into the car." I hear a posh British voice sarcastically addressing me, as I enter the van.

So much for it, my good intentions are already thrown overboard. If he wants war, he can have war!

"I'm pleased you enjoyed my little performance. Considering your omnipresent depressed look, I thought you could need something to raise your spirits." I hit back with a annoyed look, while seating myself between Phoebe and Roger, at the rear seat bench.

Blessedly there was some safe distance between Freddie and me, since Roger performed as a "Buffer", sitting between the two of us.

"You have to remember who you're talking to." Paul, sitting right in front of me, hisses, while turning around to face me.

"Paul, do what you do best and suck up to Freddie." I rumble, rolling my eyes.

Oops, did I really just say that?

In the corner of my eye, I can see Freddie leaning forward and looking at me. As I face him with raised brows, he shoots me a baffled look. Paul already turned around again, grumbling something with gritted teeth.

I'm afraid I may loose my job by the end of the day, but I really don't care. I've reached a point where - to cite Mr Freddie Mercury - nothing really matters to me. The point of no return so to say.

"For fuck sake kids, stop the bickering, we haven't even left the airport." an unnerved Brian exclaims livid, which causes Freddie and me to sit back in our seats and look at him in surprise.

I couldn't imagine Brian ever being so enraged.

For whatever reason, Freddie couldn't care less about Brian's advice and continues to squabble. „Oh, fu** off Brian. The only one acting like a child is her." He spits out, leaning forward again, to await my reaction.

"Says the man, who needs FIVE people to use the restroom." I snarl, looking in the opposite direction. With no sound coming from Freddie, I turn to face him, with the most devastating look I can manage.

"I mean, I do get why you take Paul there, he sticks in your ass anyway...but..."

"You little...." Freddie stifles, desperately searching for some clever words to end his sentence, while Roger has a hard time to suppress his laughter.

"Ouch...!" Roger whines, after Freddie forcefully hits him on the back of his head.

"Yes Freddie? ....Just get it off your chest. I dare him with a confident and defiant smile. My brows raised in anticipation.

Speechless Freddie gasps on his seat, his head turning red in rage, while his mouth twitches uncontrollably, by his hopeless situation.

„You little .... b-brat." he finally stammers, visibly dissatisfied with his shiftless remark. Trying to escape the awkwardness, he quickly leans back in his seat and turns away, to look out of the window.

"That's it? I think I can live with that." I giggle, a pleased smile forms my lips, as I lean back to face Phoebe. "You'll get along well, he?" I jibe. Phoebe just looks at me helplessly, shrugging his shoulders and trying to avoid my gaze.

Roger, still giggling, turns to Freddie. „Wow, that wasn't your best Fredster." he snickers, with a shake of his head.

"Oh fu** off Roger. You just being nice, cause you want to shag her." Freddie snaps, so everybody in and surely a view people outside of the car can hear him. I facepalm at his last comment, to elude Rogers gaze, who now sheepishly smiles at me.

"Is somebody jealous?", he teases Freddie, which results in another slap on his head.

Rubbing it, he lets out a murmur. "I don't hook up with mari...."

„Ouch!!" I elbow him, my eyes widened in panic, as I shoot him a reproachful look. After a view seconds, he lets out a plain "Oh", while shrugging apologetically. At least the penny's dropped.

Poor Roger, playing the buffer must be painful.

"Ok, ok, ok, everybody just calm down." a soft voice from the front of the car reaches out to us. Good old, placid John tries to sooth us with his smooth, serene tone.

The attempt unfortunately fails, as Roger decides, to teas Freddie a little more.

„I think someone has finally met his equal." he sarcastically quips to Freddie, who shoots him a death glare in response.

Considering this last ‚conversation', I really think, we all just went back to preschool.

Trying to relieve some of this gruelling tension, swirling around in the van, I start to make conversation to Roger.

"Will we get to the villa, or drop me off at my hotel first?" I ask casually, fumbling in my bag, searching for my cellphone.

Mr Beach informed me, that I would stay at a hotel, whereas the boys, Paul and Phoebe would be lodged in a villa in the Hollywood hills.

After the cheerful atmosphere between Freddie and me, I was more then grateful.

"Oh, now that you mention it."  A now uncertain Roger starts to tell me. "You will be staying with us." He continues, backing up a little and turning his face away slightly, as being afraid, I could hit him due to his disclosure.

"Why the hell is this the current state of play? Who decided this, without even asking me?" I harshly whisper a tad to loud at him, before cussing him with some German swear words (something like ‚Trottel', ‚Idiot', ‚Depp', ‚Scheiße' and ‚Arsch', just to mention a view), my face turning deep red in frustration.

Roger stares at me in disbelief and try's to find the best way, to break it gently.

"Weee........I.IIII" he stutters. "I thought it would be a good idea. The house is sooo big and we get along so we" he tries to sugarcoat our gridlock, as I interrupt him with wrath in my voice.

"Are you suffering from amnesia or something? Did Freddie slap you to hard? You've noticed he devoted his life to hate me?!?!" I get carried away by my overwhelming frustration, before staring into my lap and deciding to ignore just everybody in this fucking car.

Keeping your mouth closed may be a good idea Vivian. I really don't want to spoil things with Roger too.

"Somebody has found a new victim.", an amused Freddie giggles next to Roger, looking at him with a grin from ear to ear. "So much for getting laid." He bursts out laughing, looking out of the window again, while Roger starts to tap my arm, to make me look at him.

I refuse to give in and fumble for my headphones.

Only music can make things right at this point.

With the shuffle mode set, I hit play, while closing my eyes and sinking into my seat.

‚This thing called love, I just can't handle it' It echoes in my ears. „This can't be true" I sigh, as my eyes spring open again. Mr Mercury is everywhere, even in my shitty phone.

‚This thing called love, I must get rou......' I tap wildly on my phone, to successfully stop the mocking sound of him.

‚Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time' , Freddie's voice reaches my ears again.

What the hell is going on here? Please lord, show mercy, I face the roof, sending prayers up, while tabbing my phone like a maniac, without any success, to stop his breathtaking voice. Did I just say that? It happens again. The devil enchanted me.

‚I feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out, yeah', I let out a long miserable sigh, as I start to beat the phone against my leg, which results in my seat-mates staring at me in confusion.

‚And floating around in ecstasy', he still chirps in my ear, as I give up for a second, to reconsider my next step.

‚So don't stop me now don't stop me', „What the hell is wrong with this fucking phone...Oh noooo, I will stop you now, Mr fuc*** Mercury." I finally make the music stop. "Finally" I sigh satisfied, as I realize everybody is staring at me, waiting for an explanation for my questionable behavior. I freeze by Freddie's words, as I feel uncertainty growing in me.

"I'm pleased I'm such a big deal for you." Mr Mercury hums brazenly, twinkling at me, with a big smug grin, plastered on his face. A face I want to slap right now.

Deciding to just ignore him, I put away my useless, sneaky phone.

Freddie, being disappointed by my refusal, now is incited to start teasing.

"You've lost your camera?" He eagerly chirps.

„Brilliant deduction Watson, you catch on fast, really impressive." I mumble in boredom, not even looking at him.

„Than I have a suggestion for you. Without a camera and the fact you don't want to stay with us, I think it's best for you, to book the next flight back to London. I mean, you are more than useless at the moment." He submits buoyant, looking at me challenging, with his sparkling eyes.

„Fortunately I was smart enough to bring a second and a third camera with me." I retort, while putting on the most plastic smile possible.

Freddie's mood now darkens, as he realizes, I won't be intimidated by his words.

"It would be smart to search for a REAL job now." He spits tamely, looking at me, as if regretting, to not come up with something better.

I smile at him cheekily. "Considering what I will get paid here, I don't have to worry about a "real" job......FOR YEARS." I stifle the conversation.

This answer marks the turning point for him. He lets out a deep growl, pushes his now clenched fist to his knee, before pattering something for the next 5 minutes.

At this point I wish I could just keep my mouth shut for one minute. I still have no clue what is going on here. Usual Vivian already would've been crying several times throughout the day and surely wouldn't have the strength and courage to raise her voice, like I did over and over again.

It's death proof. I will experience hell for the next two years.

Roger brings me back to messy reality. "2:0 for Viv." He giggles towards Freddie.

I give him a slight push again, to make him stop, making things even worse.

„Roger, don't always meddle in my business.", Freddie spits at him, his narrowed eyes fixed on me.

Roger decides to ignore my objections and cheerfully babbles away. "Someone has to and make you stop, you're acting ridiculous."

I take Freddie as an example and sink into my seat again, trying to cut off from the outside world and maintain silent for the rest of the drive.

The other co-drivers follow our lead and drowse after this exhausting flight.

Not a sound is to be heard, as we're getting closer to our destinations.

I am almost asleep, as the van suddenly hits a monstrous pothole. It must have been huge, cause everybody bounced up from their seats.

„Vivian darling, fasten your seatbelt, we are excepting further turbulences. And don't forget to breathe." Freddie suddenly giggles out in his smug, disdainful tone.

„Freddie, do you never get tired?" an annoyed Brian asks him, glancing at him, while I roll my eyes and let out a bugged sigh.

„I hear an annoying, monotonous drowning in my left ear all the time.", I say playfully, while rubbing my ear. "Anybody else here, with the same problem?", I go further, looking around.

Freddie blankly shakes his head and finally keeps silent and stops his taunting for the rest of the drive.

* * * *

The enjoyable and long-yearned-for peaceful silence unfortunately is interrupted, as Roger suddenly speaks up. „Ehm Fred, there's a big fat spider hanging in front of you.", he taps Freddie on the arm, trying to get his attention. Freddie was fallen asleep 30 minutes ago and is now looking around in confusion, almost unable to open his eyes.

„What?", he mumbles sleepy, while stretching out in his seat and trying to find a comfy position.

„There's a big fat spider hanging in front of you.", Roger declares again, pointing at the ugly black monstrosity, hanging right in front of Freddie's nose.

Looking at it with panic filled, widened eyes, vigorously pressing his back into his seat and waving around with his arms and hands, as if to fend a swarm of killer bees, Freddie lets out a high pitched scream. One that sounds, as if somebody just kicked him in his balls. Or more suitable for a Freddie Mercury, his Crown Jewels.

I'm unable to laugh about it, beeing to busy to look panicked and move myself away from the place of action, closer and closer to Phoebe. So close, I almost sit on his lap.

„Jesus Christ Freddie, it's just a spider." , an annoyed Roger exclaims, raising his brows in incomprehension.

„Keep it away, keep it away.....just kill it. Just be useful for only one time and kill this fuc*** thing.", a tensed Freddie presses out, his voice slightly cracks at his last words.

Roger grabs the spider and moves to face me, coming closer....a bit too close. "You wanna take a look?" He smiles at me, before noticing my scared state.

I shake my head like crazy, moving back even more, as I try to breath evenly. "Oh god, are you mad? Just stay away, or you and your hairy friend will not survive this journey.", I hiss at him.

„Oh god, relax. It's a fucking spider, guys." Roger looks back and fourth between the two of us, with pure incomprehension.

Freddie finds his voice again by Rogers words. "It's a disgusting hairy monster.", he hisses at Roger, his face distorted with fear and disgust.

I only can nod at Freddie's last statement. "Everything with more than 4 legs is the enemy. Please just kill it." I plead Roger, my hands clenched in the seat.

You've already heard about my multiple anxieties.....you just discovered a new one.

Those little many-legged creatures scare me to death.

„With my hands?", Roger asks irritated....shooting me a questioning glance.

I can't handle it anymore at this point. Either the spider has to leave this car, or it's me. I will jump right out of the window, if necessary. "Just kill it Roger!!!! Please just get it out of here. I don't care what you do with it, as long as it is out of this car in less than 10 seconds.", I exclaim, fumbling in my bag and putting out a tissue.

"Here....", I say, handing it to Roger.

Roger, being extremely dull at this moment, looks at me disbelievingly. You can see the question marks popping out of his head. "What is this for?" He asks baffled.

„Put it in there and squash it!", I tell him quickly, trying to imitate the 'process of squashing a spider' with my hands.

Roger looks away at his hands, shaking his head with an eye roll. "You two are such babies. At least you've got something in common.", he determines. "Who would have thought that?!"

„Oh yes Roger. It's just wonderful. Now we can discuss our arachnophobia over a cup of tea.", I scoff sarcastically, almost relaxing a bit in my seat.

Freddie's chuckle makes way for his frightened face, as Roger kills the spider with a loud crack, which lets Freddie and me groan in disgust. "Is everybody happy now?"

A satisfied sighing Freddie relaxes in his seat and turns to face the window, as his cheeks start to glow.

I have to screw up my face by the cracking sound. „I think I have to vomit...and it's not because Paul is here.", it rashly escapes my lips, which results in giggles from Freddie, Phoebe and Roger and, of course, a scornful gaze from Paul.

Did Mr Mercury just giggle? I can see a bright future for the both of us.

Chapter 4 coming soon....

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