#i mean mrs. chidouin appears less so here but. shhh. her time comes in hit au deliver us from evil--

[datastate]

i can't remember if i've mentioned this here, but i've been having. thoughts abt how mr. chidouin's the one who killed qingyuè / kai's mother. maybe it's sort of an honor, in a twisted sense, that it's the godfather that's the one who puts the final nail in the coffin -- but it hardly matters. the death's covered up, dismissed, as all others have been. and that is that.

there is nothing for gashu to return to. their child is the next bargaining chip to keep him locked here under threat without needing to explicitly disclose they killed that 'chinese traitor' and could just as easily kill one with her blood...

but then - what it means later on... dredged up because mr. chidouin's always been curious, hasn't he: he wonders what kai remembers, he wonders how kai languishes, if he does at all. he wonders how much mandarin means to kai, or if he even knows he's chinese. he wants to learn about kai as his friend, but also as the killer. it's that morbid taste of it, of wanting to know what exactly he took away - or if it's he who made kai strong.

because he's proud of who kai's become, he is, as inconvenient as it may be for their assassin to end up unable and unwilling to kill anyone... that doesn't mean se's not strong. & it's just fascinating seeing that play out, seeing how kai clings to the chidouins now and directs his strength into something protective, only accepting destruction when absolutely necessary -- which, with them, provides just enough leverage to justify it. it makes mr. chidouin feel special, seeing someone as strong as kai kneel to love (a love he'd been deprived of; one only chidouin could return... still the murderer, he lifts it from qingyuè's body)

but... kai only kneels because this love isn't fake.

once gashu was convinced to let kai go, to no longer endure the dread of watching his son's tragedy unfold, mr. chidouin instead became his caretaker and embraces that proudly.

so when mr. chidouin dares to ask kai, he's forced to confront the discomfort in his own heart that he'd tucked away and refused to linger on. killing's part of the business, there's no room for regret and you won't make it far if you do, but... hearing the long unheard grief from kai's mouth. something hidden from the only person who could possibly empathize with him, and instead given to the murderer... this desperation to know who he is. it should be perfect, the perfect moment to plant that thought: you're mine. isn't that all that matters? - but it only makes kai retract. & it makes mr. chidouin's heart ache with forgotten remorse.

his mistake is forgetting the value kai weighs each life with. mr. chidouin is unable to envision a world in which that inherent value may tip the scales unfavorably for someone who discards them as pieces. oh, yes, he does acknowledge each life as important - but certain sacrifices must be made.

& yet... while he believes kai's still so naive in this way, he can't find it in himself to blame him.

mr. chidouin was freshly 20 when he pulled the trigger on qingyuè, and he then moved on to meet atsuko & sara as mrs. hiyori dealt with what remained of gashu. he was never forced to deal with the ugly end of death... but kai was exposed too early and thus detached himself. once mr. chidouin - again at fault - wears that wall down... kai realizes he has nothing to grieve, though witness to mr. chidouin's own family, the curiosity aches again to know what only his father knows. (what only mr. chidouin knows.) this desire to mourn and understand who exactly he's grieving never knowing, before he fully accepts the chidouin's as his own with nothing else to linger upon.

it takes patience - but mr. chidouin instead told him: keeping her memory is pointless. (it was nothing but a painful exercise in guilt, that's all he remembers her as before he saw reality as it was. he's saving him. he loves him).

...and when kai's eyes flicker with anger, he truly looks like his mother.