#i missed class on wednesday because i was having combination flare-up and panic attack (where i feel sick and it makes me anxious and the | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

arthur-r · 7 months

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all my fucking teachers are pitying me though???? like oh my fucking god i thought i wasn’t going to be that person anymore?? are you telling me that mental illness and physical illness and access concerns and low energy and motivation don’t go away when you move four hours away from home????

#my fucking linguistics teacher. is such a good person but i feel so fucking awful and hopeless #he emailed my academic advisor!!!! what is that supposed to mean he thinks i can’t do it #i missed class on wednesday because i was having combination flare-up and panic attack (where i feel sick and it makes me anxious and the #anxiety makes me sick and it keeps going in this evil cycle and i can’t make it stop)#everyone is out here four weeks into the semester saying ‘‘this isn’t like you’’ maybe it is though????#‘if my very existence is so fragile that i can only hold onto it three months out of the year am i allowed to make it define me??#am i allowed to say i’m not myself right now or is this the most myself i’ve ever been?#if i only look like myself from the right angle in the right lighting with the right frame of mind / maybe myself is not my self after all’’#^ shitty poetry i wrote in fucking 2020. here i am again. it just keeps coming back!!!!#i feel sick. every second i spend trying not to be so desperate and alone just leads to more lonely desperation just later??#you can’t just fill emptiness with limited human connection and expect it to stay filled when they leave???? unthinkable #why is my teacher saying my fucking name???? why is my teacher saying my fucking name i’m not fucking broken #like i feel like they’re putting me on suicide watch when i didn’t fucking do anything. oh my god there’s room inspection today #i’m in my bed sobbing there’s going to be fucking room inspection today #that’s fine. that will be fine. i’m going to class soon anyway. i dont know. it’s just. like everyone is trying to make me feel seen #but i don’t WANT to be seen i want it not to MATTER i don’t want to be identified as struggling!!!!#because first and foremost this is an issue of failing my classes. and i want to look away and pretend that’s not true #and everyone is watching me struggle and sending kind heartfelt messages. saying i just seem sad and distant #but im NOT and i WASNT and they don’t understand that i’m just fucking like this!!!! i’m not failing because i’m depressed i wasnt depressed #until i started failing. they think that if i can push away the feelings there’s a functional human being underneath #‘‘i found you on the floor like you wanted to / now i thought you wanted more is this all that you could be????’’#im so caught on how he was using my name. what the fuck is that about. it wasn’t in a normal way it was apposition. it was manufactured #‘‘sorry you’ve been under the weather [comma] arthur [comma] but glad you’ll be in class. just let me know if i can help’’#i dont know. am i the only person who feels like it’s talking-to-depressed-people-101?? Remember To Make Them Feel Human. Give Them Identity #Say Their Name so they know anybody fucking cares. i know i sound fucking insane right now i’m sorry #my only real friend here is out of town this weekend. i just feel lonely and isolated with no way to break out of it #crazy idea you guys maybe i shouldn’t be in the fucking honors program if i’m like this already. four fucking weeks in #i dont know. i just feel really upset and strange and broken and everywhere at once. i hope everyone is okay #vent cw #friends only

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