#i only follow i think two of calum's playlists

[ghost-of-you]

Catch 22 - CH - Part 1

Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: Some swearing but I think that’s it, this part is pretty chill.

Author's note: Okay, so, this story is my nemesis. If you follow me you probably saw me complaining about this at least once. I’ve been writing this since April 2019 and I’ve tried to write some form of it many times since 2013 so the fact that I'm actually posting this is quite impressive to me. This started as a one-shot of a fight and, well, I thought about how I could make the full story work this time and it got out of my control. It’s kinda like if I wrote the guy my 17 yo self was building in her head while he kept pulling shit on me.

About the story: the full thing is about 60k long, and it’s a slowburn, it’s unconventional, but still a slowburn, they just go around and around, you’ll get what I mean. Honestly, when I think about this story I think about how I met your mother and the quote “If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing: timing. But timing is a bitch." I really like chronic bad timing as a plot point and the interesting thing about bad timing is that once it's wrong it's really hard to get it right, add that and a shit ton of denial and we have them. Oh there's also a lot of best friend Michael cuz this is self-indulging okasoasas

quick shoutout to @in-superbloom and @hoodharlow for the feedback on this and literally everyone that had to listen to me talk about this in the past 3 years or so.

The title for this one is from State of Grace by Taylor Swift.

read it on ao3

Series Masterlist

playlist

part 2

_____________________

And I never saw you coming

2011

Sitting on the floor of Michael's room while losing to him in whatever video game they are playing is a common thing in Emma's life. What isn't as common are the other boys that crashed into it. Although they are quickly becoming a constant in her routine: getting home from school, listening to the loud sounds coming from the house next door, crashing rehearsals, and talking about music. 

Days like this, where there isn’t someone playing some instrument, are rare, but the Mario Kart match escalated, and Michael and Luke not wanting to admit defeat had turned the game into a full tournament. Emma is betting on Michael and Calum, on Luke.

"Of course, Michael is going to win, playing is all he ever does," she states, gesturing to both boys in the bed while sitting on the floor next to Calum, and that makes Michael protest with a "hey.”

"But Luke is better at this game," Calum says as a red shell hits Luke, allowing Michael to pass him in the last curve. 

"Is he, though?" Emma points at the screen, grinning at Calum, making him roll his eyes. 

"Victory!" Michael says, dropping his controller, and she leans forward to high-five him. 

"That doesn't prove anything," Luke complains as the podium sequence plays on the screen. 

"Wasn't that the whole point of the last 30 minutes? Come on it's just a stupid game, who cares?" Emma says, running her hands through her hair. 

"I do!" Both boys answer in unison. 

“You guys are ridiculous. This game takes more luck than ability. You can be the first, take a blue shell just because you’re loading too much of the track and loose, or Michael can be second during the whole thing and get a red one and pass Luke in the last second. You’ll never settle this. We’ll be here forever at this pace.” She doesn't realize how frustrated she sounds, throwing her hands up, as the two boys looked at her dumbfounded.

“She’s got a point, mate,” Calum says by her side, pressing his lips to stop himself from laughing, and she bursts into laughter when she turns to him. She doesn’t really know why she’s laughing so much. It all just feels so funny to her. So she throws her head back, laughing until she’s out of breath. The boys following as if the girl losing it was the funniest thing that happened that day. Not Michael pushing Calum off the bed when he was about to pass him. Or the terrible race between Emma and Luke where she somehow finished it a full five minutes after he won.

“No, I don’t, not really,” she says when she finally catches her breath again. “That was intense for someone that’s saying you’re the ones too invested,” she adds, looking at Michael, who has an amused expression on his face.

“Does that mean you don’t want me to win?” He asks her with a grin.

“Well, it would be good for your ego to lose sometimes. It’s not like I’m that big of a competition,” Emma shrugs, “at least Luke makes you work for it.”

“So it means you’re admitting I’m the best?” He brags, making her roll her eyes.

“Wouldn’t you like that, M? Maybe you should start another tournament, it’s not like you’re gonna settle this anytime soon.”

“Or we could rehearse like we were supposed to,” Calum says, eyeing them.

“Cal's right,” Luke says, picking up a guitar. 

“So, you’re giving up?” Michael questions and Luke just sighs.

“Winning by default it’s not really winning,” Calum says.

“But I already won.” Michael protests, looking around his friends.

“Did you? Did you really?” Calum adds, making Emma choke on a chuckle.

"After this, I want a rematch," Michael replies, pointing at Luke before picking up his guitar. 

"You want a rematch for a game you won?" Emma asks, with a giggle. "See, I told you losing would be good for your ego."

"That doesn't make any sense, trouble," he says, giving her a confused look. 

"Of course it does," she shrugs as if telling him to let it go. "What song are you doing next?"

_____

"Hey," Emma says before sitting down on the curb and nudging the boy already sitting there with her shoulder and Calum turns and smiles at her, removing his earphones. 

"Hi," he replies, while she takes her backpack off her shoulders and places it in front of her. 

"It's M not home yet?" She asks, wondering why he's sitting outside alone. 

"Nope," he answers, fidgeting with the cable in his hands.

"Shouldn't you be in school with him then?" She tilts her head, studying him, his brown eyes staring back into her hazel ones.

"I skipped it today," he replies, voice low.

"M is at school and you're not?" She laughs, sounding confused before pausing and looking at him for a moment, “are you okay?” She adds, still trying to read him.

“Yeah, just tired,” he nods and rubs his eyes before going back to playing with the cable, twisting it between his fingers.

“Okay,” she decides not to push it. “What are we listening to?” She asks, taking the earphones from him, putting one side in her ear, and listening until she recognizes an All Time Low song playing. She nods to it, scooting closer to him and offering him the other side. He raises an eyebrow to her, before letting out a chuckle and taking it, placing it in his ear. 

They stay like that until the song changes, and he relaxes beside her, dropping his head to her shoulder. She giggles when he yawns and lowers her head to his. That’s how Michael and Luke find them after a few songs, sharing earphones on the sidewalk.

“Awn,” Michael says, making Emma roll her eyes and Calum dart away, taking the cord with him, making Emma turn to him, laughing at the alarm in his face.

“You good?” She asks, getting up, and the boy nods. “Come on,” she offers her hand, helping him stand up and stopping in front of him, still holding his hand. “You sure?” She whispers, tilting her head, searching his face. Something about his expression softens, looking at her, and he nods again, letting go of her hand. 

“This is like, the first time in months, I’m home before you guys get here,” she turns to the other boys, greeting them with fist bumps, before picking her backpack from the ground, “but I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says and waves, walking away backward.

“Wait, you’re not coming?” Michael asks, frowning at her.

“Nope, sometimes I need to catch up on my school work, if you’re gonna be the famous one, I need to be the smart one,” she jokes, stopping to see his reaction.

“What are you implying?” He frowns harder at her as the other two boys laugh, and she raises her hands.

“You can get whatever you want from that,” she shrugs, “I’ll love you anyway.” She turns on her heels, mock-saluting them, “I’ll see ya soon.” 

She reaches her gate and waves again to the boys still on the sidewalk, before going in.

_______

"Let's go to the beach," Emma offers, getting up from the floor. They are in Calum's house, supposedly at band rehearsal, now that school is out and they are actually a band, but Emma could tell they were drained. Michael was playing the same note repeatedly, and Ashton was just slowly hitting the same spot on his cajón again and again. They all look at her like it's a terrible idea. "Come on, you guys haven't come up with anything since we got here. You need to get your energy flowing," she adds but they still didn't look convinced. "It's a beautiful day, please, you'll feel better and I like a spot not far from here," she says, looking at Ashton with pleading eyes, knowing that if she convinces him, then the others will follow. 

"She's right," Calum says, taking her by surprise, but she smiles at him. 

"Come on," she says moving to Michael, taking the guitar away from him with no resistance, taking his hands and pulling him to his feet, "we can take a ball, it will be fun."

"Are you trying to convince me by using a ball?" He gives her an unimpressed look. 

"I'll let you throw it at people's heads," she jokes, making them laugh. 

"Fine," he agrees, making her let out an excited "yes!" As she spins on her heels, "you do have a ball, right?" She says to Calum, making the boys grin, and Calum smirks and raises an eyebrow at her, "don't you dare," she warns him, raising her eyebrow and he raises his arms in defense, "I meant a football or something, didn't you used to play?" 

"I do have a football or something," he looks like he's going to add something, but she shoots him another warning look. 

"Great, go get it and let's go!" She shoos him, laughing and he frowns at her but does what she asks while she moves around the room, getting the rest of the boys to get up. 

The walk to the place Emma wants to go is short, passing quickly as she stops Michael from throwing the ball into random strangers. 

"But you said you'd let me," he pouts when she finally takes the ball away from him. 

"Yeah, I meant Luke's head," she replies, earning a "hey" from the blonde while the rest of them laugh.

They finally get to the beach, a spot by the end of it, rock formations to the left, and a patch of sand with not much around. 

Emma kicks her sneakers off, picking them up and making a beeline straight to the sea. She's laughing and kicking water, Michael joining her. 

"Is it cold?" One of the boys asks as she jumps to Michael's back. 

"Yeah," she answers and laughs when Michael pretends to throw her into the water, making her hold on to him harder. He's holding her by her thighs and walks them back to the rest of the boys. 

"So? You're all just gonna stand there?" She asks, giving a disapproving look, resting her chin on Michael's shoulder. 

"What are we supposed to do?" Luke asks.

"How should I know? I just wanted to get you all out of that room. You need some fun," she says with a grin. 

"You could throw the ball at them," Calum suggests handing him the ball, and the blonde grins turning back to Emma and Michael, making her screech and jump off Michael's back the moment the ball hits him. He surprisingly catches it and throws it back, hitting Calum, who turns it into a game of dodgeball. 

She doesn’t know how it happens, but all 5 of them are lying in the sand, Emma laughing so hard her belly hurts about how the ball bounced off Luke's head into Ashton's. 

"I'm gonna go find us something to drink," Ashton says while getting up. "Does anyone want to come?"

"Yeah, sure," Luke says while he and Michael stand up. 

"I'm fine right here," Emma says, and Michael looks back, looking conflicted. 

"I'll stay with her," Calum tells him, who nods, and the boys start walking to the street, leaving them alone and Calum moves closer to sit beside her. 

"How are you not freezing?" He asks, making her look down at her tank top and his hoodie while sitting up. The sudden change in the weather took her by surprise, the sun hiding and the salty wind picking up speed, making her painfully cold now that he had pointed it out. 

"Oh, I am," she reaches her hand to him, touching his cheeks with ice-cold hands and he curses.

"I would offer my hoodie, but then I'd be cold," he jokes, making her roll her eyes. He looks thoughtful for a second and shifts in the sand, getting behind her, legs outstretched on both of her sides, "come here," he pulls her towards him, making her gasp, but melt into him when he wraps his arms around her, "no reason why any of us have to be cold." 

"God, you're warm," she drops her head to his shoulder, leaning back on his chest, trying to get as much heat as she could, while she sneaks her hands into his sleeves. 

"And you're an ice cube," he states, taking her hand from his arm, making her move her head so she could look at him. "You know, for someone that's claiming to love the beach, you'd think you wouldn't be transparent," he jokes, laughing at how white she is as he looks at her fingers between his.

"Hey, I'm tanner than M," she protests and he laughs.

"That's not hard."

She is about to protest when he pulls the ends of his sleeve, covering his right hand and taking her left, intertwining their fingers, effectively covering hers too. He does the same with the other hand, and she settles back against him. 

"God, I love you," she closes her eyes, enjoying the heat. 

"Nah, you just love how hot I am," he teases, and she laughs. 

"Yeah, you're right." 

They start talking about the plans for the holidays, her head moving to lay on his arm, so she could look at him, making him shift his leg up to rest his arm on his knee, making it more comfortable. 

"Guys," Ashton's voice startles them both, making Emma jump and Calum drop his head to her shoulder with a sigh, while the boys sit down on the sand next to them, Michael shooting her a weird look and she mouths a “what?” and he mouths back “you two are cute,” and winks at her making her roll her eyes.

“Here,” Ashton throws a bottle to Emma, but Calum is faster, letting go of her hand and catching it before it falls. She laughs, looking at Calum and back at Ashton, getting her hands ready to pick up the second bottle he’s about to throw. She catches it and drops her head on Calum’s shoulder, and the boys start talking about some game, and she just relaxes, the last few rays of the sun making her content with just being there. 

It doesn’t take long before the sun is completely gone, and thunders start rumbling, bringing them back to reality.

She detaches herself from Calum, getting up, shaking the sand off of her, and reaching a hand out to him to help him up. He takes it, holding on to it for a second too long. When they get to the street, Calum takes his hoodie off and hands it to Emma. 

"I thought you weren't going to offer," she teases, accepting it but looking unconvinced down to it. 

"I can take it back if you don't want it," he reaches for it, but she pulls it away.

"No!" She says, her voice high-pitched, "I was just wondering." 

"My house is the closest, love, it's fine."

She looks at the hoodie in her hands and back to his face before pulling it over her head, not even noticing he had just called her love. It goes down to her thighs, almost covering her shorts. She's folding the sleeves so she can use her hands when she notices him looking at her. 

"What?" She shoots him a questioning look, and he shakes his head and says, "nothing," at the same time Michael calls for her. 

She’s still looking at Calum as the soft smile fades from his face when she moves away from him.

___

Emma doesn't even have time to question herself on why she is there. The rain took her by surprise, and now she's knocking on Calum's door, her feet taking her there because she has no idea where else to go. She's painfully cold and soaking wet from the run, praying for him to be home. 

"Emma?" Calum takes in the sight of her with confused eyes, and she almost cries out in happiness at seeing him. 

"Hi, can I wait here?" She says trying not to think about how cold she's feeling, "I called my dad but he can't pick me up yet and I'm cold and I'm wet and I didn't know where else to go," she rambles all in one breath making Calum laugh. 

"You were at the beach," he states, “get in here,” moving to let her in, and she nods while getting into the house and she tries not to get water everywhere while following him to his room. 

"Here," he hands her a towel, and she wraps it around her shoulder, too cold to try and dry herself. "What happened?" He asks while she stands in the middle of his bedroom, now unsure of what to do. 

"I didn't notice the weather changing," she holds the towel closer, teeth chattering, and he walks to his dresser. 

"No, why were you alone at the beach distracted enough not to notice the rain?" He asks, turning back to her, handing her a black piece of cloth, making her frown at him. "Dry yourself and we can talk without you breaking your teeth," he jokes and steps out of the room to give her privacy. 

She stares at his closed door for a second before shaking her head and looking at the fabric in her hand, a plain long-sleeved black shirt. She dries herself as best as she can, before pulling his shirt over her head. 

She looks around the room, confusion spinning in her head for a second, before walking out of the room to look for Calum, finding him sitting in the kitchen. 

"Thanks," she stops by the door while grabbing the ends of the long sleeves and closing them in her hands, trying to keep in as much heat as she could, "for the shirt," she says when he turns to look at her. 

"Can't let you freeze," he shrugs and she smiles at him swinging her arms around her while stepping into the kitchen. 

"Are you alone?" She asks, looking around the room. 

"Yep," he says, popping the p, and she stops. 

"You sure it's okay for me to be here?" 

"No, I should totally throw you back out in the rain," he teases, voice heavy with sarcasm, and she rolls her eyes, closing the distance to the chair beside him, leaning into the back of it. 

There's a moment of silence where he's looking at her with a soft expression on his face, and she doesn't know what to do with herself.

"I just didn't want to be home," she blurts out, and he tilts his head, face puzzled. "You asked why I was at the beach," she states, and he shakes his head. 

"No, I asked why you were distracted on the beach," he corrects, and she shrugs.

"Same difference." 

"Is it?" 

"I just lost track of time, I guess. I like being there. It’s calming." 

"Is this why you like being there so much? ‘Cause it's calming?" He asks, looking intently at her.

"I'm not really calm in most places y' know?" She tells him after a beat.

"Not really," he chuckles.

She pulls the chair back, moving around it to sit facing him. 

"It's just that, most of the time, I'm way too conscious about everything around me, so when I find a place that makes me stop feeling like that, I tend to forget about anything else." She pulls her feet up to sit with her legs crossed, leaning forward to prop her chin in her hands, "so on a bad day I run to the beach," she thinks for a second, "that if M is not available," she chuckles and Calum is looking at her, trying to understand it, and a small part of her wonders why she’s so comfortable around him. 

"That sounds stressful." 

"Maybe? Most days I barely notice it. Some days I don't notice it at all, some days are hell though," she frowns and shakes her hand to move the sleeves up so she could use her hands, "I don't know, does it make sense?"

"Not at all," he says, shaking his head.

"Well, it doesn't make much sense for me either," she tucks her hair behind her ear, "like, if I'm in class or something, I'm really conscious of everything, but if I'm at M's place and we are playing something, I'm not."

"Are you stressed now?" He leans forward a bit, his gaze so intense Emma feels like he can see her thoughts. That alone should've been enough to make her freak out, but when she looks back at him, she's as calm as she possibly could. 

"Not really," she shakes her head. 

"Good, come here," Calum says, standing up, taking her hand, and pulling her with him. 

He walks them back to his room, still holding her hand, only letting go to sit down. She sits on his bed, kicking her shoes off and sliding into the bed while he fumbles around with his computer. 

She laughs when Avatar The Last Airbender starts and raises an eyebrow at him when he turns around. 

"What? It's good," he replies, standing up, "I was watching it before you got here. Now make room for me," he adds, making her roll her eyes while moving, crossing her legs, and leaning against the headboard. He settles beside her when the recap ends, and a clap of thunder makes her jump. 

"God, I hate storms," she whimpers and unconsciously leans closer to him. 

The episode is barely in the middle, Emma's head leaning on Calum's shoulder, when there's a flash, another thunder shaking through the house, and all the lights go out, leaving them in the dark. 

"I fucking hate storms," she grunts again, burying her face in his shoulder and making him laugh. "What?" She asks, lifting her head. 

"Nothing, I just don't think I've ever heard you swear before," he replies, making her groan and fight the urge to roll her eyes even though he can't see it. 

“Really? Me saying fuck is funny? How old are you? Ten?” She frowns, leaning back to the headboard.

“Yeah, something like that,” he replies with a chuckle and she laughs.

“You want me to say fuck more often? For you to get used to it?” She jokes, watching his silhouette become clearer as her eyes get used to the dark.

“No, you’re too cute for me to get used to it.”

“Cute? Sure, I’ll take it,” she chuckles, and he gets up searching for something.

She watches, trying to see what he was doing until a song she didn't know starts playing on his phone.

"Come on, get up," he says, holding his hand out to Emma, who just looked up at him, confusion on her face. 

"What? Why?" she asks, not moving, frowning at him suspiciously.

"I just want to try something," he takes her hands, and she lets him pull her to her feet. 

She watches as he takes her left hand and puts it on his shoulder before doing the same with her right.

"Cal, what are you doing?" 

“Can you just trust me, love?” He leads, making them move from side to side, and she chokes out a laugh. But she lets him move them, awkwardly dancing until it’s not awkward at all.

He moves a piece of her hair away from her face, and she feels her face heat up as his hand lingers on her cheek, and for a moment she's thankful there's not enough light around them, so he couldn’t see her blushing. She can barely make out his features in the low light, so she doesn't know if she is imagining the intensity in his gaze. 

They stop moving, and Emma can feel her heart hammering in her chest. She wonders what's going through his mind, and she thinks he's leaning in when her phone starts ringing and the lights come back on, making them jump away from each other. 

She clears her throat and shakes her head, moving to pick up her phone from the table while Calum scratches the back of his neck and starts looking at everything in the room but her. 

"Hi, dad," she answers, sounding a little baffled before she can put her thoughts in order, "no, I'm not in the rain, I'm at Calum's," she pauses, listening, "you know, dark hair in the band with M? You drove us here the other day. Yeah, yeah, near the beach," she pauses again. "Okay, see you in a bit." She hangs up and puts the phone in her back pocket, turning to Calum, "he's already coming to pick me up," she motions to her back, "maybe I should wait outside, he said he's close," he only nods at her, whatever was happening before is clearly gone now, "okay." She mumbles fidgeting with the ends of her sleeves, before putting her shoes back on. "I'll give you your shirt back next time I see you," she says, even though she still hasn’t returned his hoodie, and moves out of the room with Calum following her.

"Yeah, don't worry about it, love," he says from behind her. 

"Thank you," she murmurs when they reach the door, and she hears her father honking. Calum opens the door, and in a moment of boldness, Emma stands on her tiptoes, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "See ya, Cal," she says, rushing to her father’s car, leaving the boy standing there. 

He's still watching when the car turns, and she can no longer see him in the rearview mirror. 

______

Emma jumps when her phone rings on the counter, making her almost drop the tray she's about to set next to it. She puts the tray down before checking the phone.

From Cal: are u home? 

She blinks a couple of times before responding, still startled. 

To Cal: yeah… 

To Cal: why? 

From Cal: I think im early for rehearsal. 

She laughs and makes her way through the house, stepping out to the porch and seeing Calum sitting on the sidewalk. 

"Hey!" She calls for him, and when he turns around, she waves him over before buzzing the gate open.

"Hi, love," he greets her. 

"Hey," she motions for him to follow her inside. 

"I've never been in your house," Calum says, looking around. 

"Really?" She frowns at him. 

"Yeah. I wanna see your room," he states, and she laughs, leading him to it. 

She learns against her wardrobe as he studies the room. His attention is drawn to her bed or the wall behind it. 

"We have more pictures together than I thought," he says, getting closer to the pictures she has been taping there for a while now. Michael is the person with more appearances even if they never planned a lot of them. "This is cool," he adds without turning around. 

"Yeah, I like pictures. And they make the room feel more, mine, I guess." She moves to sit in the bed, watching him when he points to a picture of the two of them. Her favorite. Not that she had really stopped to think about it. One where they're on the beach and she's sitting between his legs, back to his chest, head on the arm he’s resting on his knee looking up to his face, and Calum looks really concentrated on whatever she was telling him at the moment. 

"I don’t think I’ve seen this one." 

"Oh, M took it and sent it to me," she shrugs, “I thought you saw it too.”

“No,” he says, distracted, turning to look around.

There's an awkward pause, and she catches herself staring at him as he moves, his gaze going to the other side of the room. 

"You have a guitar?" He points to the acoustic guitar she has set in a corner, sounding surprised. 

"It was my dad's. He said I could have it if I learned how to play it. I never did, though, not really, anyway," she explains, but his attention had already shifted to her keyboard. 

"You play that?" He asks, sounding impressed as he moves towards it, making her laugh. 

"Yep," she tells him, getting up from the bed when he sits on the bench near it. He looks back when she comes to stand behind him, looking a little in awe. 

"You're kidding," he says, and she shakes her head, "no way, how did I not know that?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, "you never asked, I never told you."

"We're friends 'cause of a band and the subject of you playing something never came up?" He turns, and she shakes her head. "Okay, any other talents I need to know?" He adds, making her laugh. 

"I bake?" She tells him, sounding more like a question, and he looks a little surprised. 

"You bake?" She nods, and he frowns, "you?" 

"Yeah, me." 

"That's something that should've been mentioned at some point," he exclaims, making her laugh. 

"I didn't feel like having to feed you all," she jokes and he opens his mouth and closes it again, thinking of a comeback.

"You know what? That's fair." 

"I was taking some brownies out of the oven when you texted me." 

“Really?” His eyes light up and she laughs.

“Come on,” she says, motioning for him to follow her and going back to the kitchen, with Calum in her heels.

Emma fumbles through the drawers, looking for a knife when she hears his cursing and starts laughing.

“I meant it when I said they had just come out of the oven,” she says, turning to him and seeing him pouting slightly, her heart skipping a beat as she registers how cute he looks. She shakes her head, moving to the counter, “just sit down, and prepare to be amazed,” she laughs and he gives her an impressed look.

“Okay,” he replies, sitting on the stool by her side while she cuts the brownie into squares.

“Here,” she pushes the plate towards him, before sitting and looking at him expectantly. 

He takes a bite and lets out a pleased groan that makes a grin show on her face.

“You’re my new favorite person,” he says and she starts giggling, “please marry me.” 

“You’re that easy?” She asks, trying to keep a straight face before breaking down laughing.

“Yes,” he tells her, laughing too.

“All I have to do is supply you with brownies?” 

“Yes, the only string attached.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she giggles, taking a piece for herself, “I think M is home,” Emma says, as a muffled guitar starts to play. She gets up and takes the plate with the brownies, and Calum follows her when she remembers something. “Wait,” she hands him the plate and runs to her room.

“I keep forgetting to give this back to you,” she says when she comes back, and he's still standing where she left him with a confused but amused frown, handing him the hoodie he lent her that day on the beach. “The shirt is washing, though, so you’re gonna have to wait,” she adds.

“It’s fine, love, don’t worry,” she smiles and takes the plate from him.

“Let’s go then.”

_______ If you wanna get tagged, please feel free to message me.

[saucymalum]

Checked Out pt.13

Crystal Leigh x fem!reader

Originally Posted on my Instagram

Summary: It's not easy navigating a friendship with someone you have feelings for. Especially when that person is your friends girlfriend.

Also here's a playlist of the songs I listened to while writing this series

Pt.1, pt.2, pt.3, pt.4, pt.5, pt.6, pt.7, pt.8, pt.9, pt.10, pt.11, pt.12,

-------------

I stare at my phone screen frozen and see the notification number rise. Michael says my name and I snap back to reality.

“Who is it?” He asks.

I blink a few times, confused until his words finally make sense, “Oh, uh, nobody. It’s nobody.”

I silence my phone and lock it. They all look at me waiting for me to say her name. I choose to dodge the looks and put my phone back upside down on the coffee table. 

“Today is supposed to be a friend day. And it's almost Christmas so how about we watch some Christmas movies.”

Calum’s eyes scan everybody, ever the observer, and looks at me, “I feel like you two aren’t telling us something.”

I throw my head back in an overdramatic groan and go back to the kitchen. Noah looks over the back of the couch looking at me and sits back forward to the boys. 

“Ah- so- long story short, basically, my mom called again demanding I go to Thanksgiving, which sent me in a uhhh… slight spiral- Oh, and then Crystal and Levi come over unexpectedly because the night before Crystal drunk called Y/N and confessed her love to Y/N-”

“She did not, Noah. We went over this. She's off the table no matter what.” my eyes drift back into my freshly poured glass of chocolate milk and I mumble, “ She’s in love with him.”

He rolls his eyes at me, “Mkay, either way, Y/N, she said and I quote,’ I like you like a fuck ton.’ And THEN followed it with, ‘I mean I really like you’ who says that to a platonic relationship? That was a whole ass confession, man. Which says something about how she and Levi are doing I guess-”

My chest aches to believe him. My eyes burn as I stare down into my glass. God, I wish what he’s saying was true. But what can I really do? All these books always say shit like ‘I don’t want to ruin my friendship or ‘I don’t want to lose her.’ and I always that it was fucking stupid. Just go for it. But I think I get it now. The almost paralyzing fear. Because it’s not just a friendship to me anymore. I wish it was. 

“Even if she lo-liked me, I’m not going to do shit about it. It’s not just about us, she has someone else.”

Luke sits up from the floor and leans back against the coffee table. I highly doubt that’s anywhere near comfortable, “Oooo love triangle. I love those.”

We all look at him confused and he shrugs, his blonde curls bouncing with this motion, “What I like reading on tour and romance is the only thing interesting Amazon Kindle gives me these days.”

That serves as the much-needed comedic relief in the tension-filled conversation and the boys look over at Noah. Calum seems to have been the only one who still held onto the more important detail of Noah's update.

“How are you feeling after your mom called?” Calum asks. 

Noah tenses but looks into Calum's brown eyes and his shoulders sag slightly.

“Honestly?” We all nod but he’s only looking at Calum, “Just- a lot. Horribly guilty- so fucking angry- upset, sad, betrayed…I guess? Like I said it’s- a lot. I mean I always knew she was like this, I grew up with her ya know. But a part of me always just… hoped maybe she’d change. Even though she won’t. Like- maybe, for some reason, she’d see how she hurt me and change her ways. Because she's supposed to love me….But it’s like she just doubled down, gotten-” He clears his throat,” Gotten angrier and more selfish. Stopped caring about my needs. Like I don’t even know if I'm even her son in her eyes? Or just-just like a show dog? Like-‘Oh, that’s my son Noah, he’s studying law and he’s gonna be a good lawyer and get us out of this fucking trailer park.’ Cause apparently, that’s all I seem to be good for.”

He throws his head to the back of the couch and puts his hands over his face. He lets out a couple of shaky breaths and Calum squeezes Noah's hand in support.

“What's even fucking worse, I can’t even bring myself to call my gramps because what if he turned against me too? What if she got in his head? What if he doesn’t accept me anymore? I don’t think I could handle that at fucking all” 

I sit next to him on the couch and he takes my hand into his and clutches it in his strong grip. 

“When was the last time you talked to gramps?” I ask.

“Two weeks ago.” He mumbles.

“How could he switch up in two weeks?” Luke asks. 

I glance at Luke and nod showing I agree. 

‘I don’t know! My mom finally made him understand how awful I am. She’s just going to turn everyone against me at this point-“

“Noah, Gramps LOVES you, ok? He checks on you all the time because he cares. Because he knows how amazing you are. He said he was spending Christmas with us, remember that? We made this whole plan of all the places to show him and people for him to meet. He was so excited.”

“He said he wanted to move in with us.” He chuckles, a tear falling from his eyes.

Michael jumps into the conversation, “ Didn’t you two say that he also tried to hook you up with his favorite waitress’s son?”

Noah cringes, “ Oh God, that was embarrassing. Like- so embarrassing.”

“We don’t have to call him but I think it’d help. To have him too. He probably doesn’t even know your mom called.” I say.

He rolls his eyes in anger and pulls out his phone, “Yeah cause no one talks to him and keeps him in the loop except for me.”

He pulls up Gramps’ contact and hesitates, “Can-can you guys stay with me? You- you don’t have to but-”

There's a chorus of agreements and he hits the call button. Calum puts his arm around Noah and he unconsciously leans into the touch.

The phone rings for a couple of seconds, and then the call connects. 

Gramps’ rough but calming voice comes through the speakers, “I’ve been wondering when you’d call.”

Noah’s lips curl at the end but they quickly fall back to a frown, “Hey- Yeah, I-It’s uh been a bit busy over here.”

“Oh yeah? Tell me about it, it’s boring over here. Tell me all the-what do they call it? The-the tea?”

Noah cringes but a laugh makes its way out, “Oh Jesus, Gramps when I told you about that word I told you to never use it. You swore to me!”

I can already see Gramps’ smirk as if he were here in this room, “Yeah, but what’s the fun in that if I dont get to embarrass you?”

There's a small pause in the conversation and Noah looks over at me. I smile encouragingly.

“My uh…mom called me.”

Gramps sighs, “I knew she would, I should’ve called first.” He takes a breath, “What did she say?”

“Same old shit, you know. ‘You’re an awful son, a disgrace to the family, disgusting, wasted potential. Gonna be a horrible lawyer.’ All the fun stuff- aha-“ Tears prick at his eyes and he looks up trying to blink them back.

“Fucks sake, I love your mother but she has no clue what the fuck she’s talking about. I don’t know where she got this idea me and your grandmother did not raise her like that. If she was still here your grams would love you just the same as she always did. You’re an amazing kid and you’re going to be an even better lawyer.”

Noah sniffles, “I miss Grams.”

“Me too, kid.”

Tears fall from Noah's eyes and his Adam's apple bobs. A small sob escapes past his lips and I give his hand a squeeze.

“Have you talked to what’s her name about this? …gosh what's her name? I’m getting old here kid help me out here.”

Noah gives a weak laugh and swallows the lump in his throat, “Y/N. Yeah, she knows… it’s just hard, I guess.”

“I’ll tell you this. Family is NOT just blood. Those friends you have? Y/N, the blond man, the emo-haired blond dude, and the other ones? They are what matters.”

We all turn our heads to Michael. His teeth are biting into his lip trying not to laugh but we all break into laughter. 

“I don’t know whether to be offended or happy. I mean Calum and Ash got called the other ones!”

Gramps’ voice cuts through the laughter, “Hey! I told you, kids, I’m bad at names! I’m 74 next month!”

I smile, “And we’ll make sure to celebrate your birthday when you get here old man!”

“Aye, only I can call myself old.” 

We all smile at each other, Noah's tears slowly drying. I wipe away the fresher ones and he squeezes my hand as thanks. Calum puts his hand back on Noah's shoulder and he leans into the touch. 

“We miss you, Gramps’,” I say.

“You better.  I gotta go make dinner, but keep me updated would ya? It's boring over here, I'm starting to get too good at Jeopardy."

"We will, bye gramps!" I say.

"Love you, kids.”

We say our goodbyes and then Noah hangs up the call. The room goes silent and everybody is looking at Noah and me.

“How did your lives get so dramatic while we were gone?” Luke asks.

“I was about to say the same thing!” Michael exclaims.

I roll my eyes with a smile and return to the kitchen. I come back to my forgotten chocolate milk and feel it’s still cold so I shrug and take a sip. Still good.

“Are you gonna read the texts?” Calum asks

 I quickly shake my head and swallow my chocolate milk so I can speak, “No. I don't really wanna talk to her. I'm scared honestly.”

"Crystal?" Noah asks and I nod.

Luke groans from his position on the ground, “Oh come on, you gotta.”

“You guys can if you want but I’m too nervous.”

Noah quickly lunges for my phone and unlocks it, ”Well fuck- I’m not saying no to that.”

He quickly read it over as we all wait in anticipation, “What did she say?” Michael asks.

“She says um… she wants to be friends and asks if you could get coffee soon.”

I rub my hands over my face in frustration. I can’t just leave her on ‘read’ now what the fuck do I say? I mean I guess it would be better to tell her in person I need to step back right?

I sigh and grab my phone back.

Next

[kindahoping4forever]

Play Me The Classics, Something Romantic // Ashton Irwin

I'll keep it short (so unlike me, I know 🤓) thank you to everyone who enjoyed Encore and to the handful of people who suggested it might be fun to follow Ash and his girl to his next gig and see what they get into. Let me know what you think!

And thank you to @cal-puddies for encouraging me to follow thru on this accidental series (?) even though I have a couple long-anticipated WIP projects I should be working on instead. 😌

Warnings: Some more Upsettingly Cute New Boyfriend!Ash, Stage!Ash, lots of PDA and thirsty thoughts, sex in a public place, unprotected sex in an established relationship

Word Count: 5060

Masterlist // Ko-Fi and 2021 Taglist linked above

Reblogs and feedback are greatly appreciated!

“Baby, come on, you look great! What was wrong with that one?”

Your boyfriend sits on your bed, watching in amused disbelief as you toss aside yet another outfit and frantically pull on a different one.

You distractedly answer him, “It was too much… too loud, too short… don’t you think it was too much?”

Ashton snorts. “Baby, it’s a rock show slash LA birthday party, I think ‘too much’ is basically the dress code.”

“A rock show birthday party that your best friends are suddenly going to be at, thus the identity crisis,” you huff, shaking your head.

When Ash invited you to tonight’s gig, a birthday celebration for his friend Andrew, you were beyond excited; it’d been two weeks since you’d gotten to see him perform for the first time and you haven’t been able to get that night out of your mind. Seeing him come alive on stage, so confident in his talent, so totally in his element - it was both heartwarming and irresistibly sexy. Sharing that experience (not to mention the one you shared after the show) had brought you two closer than you’d ever been and you were looking forward to feeling that magic again.

But when Ashton arrived to pick you up and mentioned that Luke and Calum had texted him asking to be put on the guest list, your mind went from romantic thoughts of backstage flirtations and stolen kisses to anxious thoughts of forced small talk and awkward silence.

“Baby,” he starts, coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist. “You’ve met the guys before, I don’t understand why this is such a big deal?”

You feel yourself involuntarily relax against him, your body instinctively reacting to the safety of his embrace. You chew your lip, avoiding his eyes in the mirror. “Yeah we’ve met but that was when we were still getting to know each other, that was before…”

“Before you’d decided if you really liked me or not?” He teases, squeezing you tighter.

You playfully elbow him in protest, laughing in spite of yourself. “I don’t know, it just feels like seeing them matters more now,” you shrug.

“Well. It’s OK to be nervous. I don’t think you need to be, but if you are, that’s OK,” he says gently, resting his chin on your shoulder. “For the record, all that matters to me tonight is having my girl watching me from the wings. We’re gonna be the only two people in that room as far as I’m concerned.”

You pout your lips, touched by his comment. It was a loaded sentiment in such a compact statement: you’re his girl, having you there is all he cares about, everyone else is just going to fade away. You’d typically balk if a boyfriend said something like that this early in the relationship but when it’s Ash saying it, it feels right; as you’ve learned these past few months, he somehow always manages to say exactly what you need to hear. You’re never quite as sure of your words as he is so you simply nuzzle into him, placing a peck on his bearded cheek.

He smiles at your gesture and pecks you back before pulling away. “I like this one,” he says, tugging at your dress.

You study your reflection, a bit more forgiving now that your mood has improved. “Yeah… I like it too but I think it might be too hard to dance in. I saw the playlist you’ve been rehearsing to, you’ve got some bangers on there.”

“Well we can’t have that,” he grins, ducking over to your closet, quickly filing through the hangers. “Where’s that short black dress you wore on our second date? That looks amazing on you… and I haven’t gotten to take it off of you yet.”

“The romance of you remembering what I wore on our second date versus the last half of that sentence,” you smirk, reaching over to the far end of the closet to retrieve the dress.

“Like you’re not gonna be all over me later,” he giggles, pulling you into a kiss.

“Oh, you expect me to wait until later?” You tease, grabbing his ass.

Ashton cackles naughtily, laying another passionate kiss on you before exclaiming, “That’s the kind of energy tonight needs!”

You kick him out so you can finish getting ready but that energy returns a few minutes later when you walk outside and feel his eyes poring over every inch of you as you approach the Porsche where he’s waiting.

“Looks even better than I remember,” he declares. He takes your hand, twirling you around so he can admire you before he spins you into his arms for a hungry kiss.

“You clean up alright too,” you play, fingertips grazing his bare chest as you trace up and down the collar of his half unbuttoned shirt. “Didn’t realize we’d be matching tonight: all black, tight, tits out.”

He laughs, sliding his hands over your backside. “How embarrassing that we’re wearing the same thing, all the more reason to get you out of this, I guess,” he shrugs, pulling you to his lips again.

After a few more teasing kisses, you finally get in the car; he promptly plants his hand on your thigh and it remains there, slowly climbing higher and higher, thumb gently caressing your soft skin, until you’re parked at the venue. You don’t know how it gets started but a short parking lot makeout commences until somehow you manage to pull yourselves away long enough to make it inside the building. The backstage area is bustling but you find a few familiar faces from the previous show to chat with while Ash checks in with the people he’ll be playing with.

Tonight’s show is part jam session, part musical chairs: a couple dozen artists mixing and matching into various combos, rotating throughout the night to perform a set of classic rock covers. To keep the show moving, almost everyone is sharing equipment so there’s not much prep for Ashton to do, he explains upon his return to your side.

“Drums have already been checked and are ready to go,” he reports, sliding his arm around your waist.

“Too bad, I wouldn’t have minded getting you behind the kit already,” you flirt, exaggeratingly batting your eyelashes.

“I’d rather get behind something else right now,” he flirts back, pressing himself against your ass.

You laugh in surprise, feeling your eyes widen and your face warm as your eyes dart around the room, wondering if anyone heard or saw his frisky behavior.

Ash nuzzles his face into your neck, beard scraping at your skin. “Everyone’s focused on getting ready for the show, baby, no one cares what we’re doing,” he reassures you, pecking at your neck in time with your quickening pulse.

“Like we’re the only two people in the room…” You quote his earlier sentiment with a grin.

“Exactly,” he laughs, turning you around for a kiss. You both jump and then giggle as the feeling of his phone vibrating in his pants pocket ruins the moment. “The guys must be here…” He studies your reaction, clearly wondering if you’re still nervous.

Truthfully, you’ve been so distracted by having Ash all over you, you’ve basically forgotten to be worried about the impending guests. You enthusiastically direct, “I’m fine, let’s go say hi!”

You both head out to the floor to greet Calum, Luke and his fiancée, Sierra. Hugs and pleasantries are exchanged and there’s only a beat of uncertainty before the guys start chatting about their next studio session while you and Sierra make small talk.

The crowd starts trickling in so it’s suggested you all hang out backstage until the show starts. Once you get to the shared dressing room, Ash gets called over to answer a question about the setlist and before you can make it to the couch you were headed towards, the other members of your group have all gotten hung up talking to people.

Ashton is the first to make it back to you. “Have they ditched us already?” He asks amusedly, sitting down beside you, peering around the room.

“Remind me again why I was worried?” You joke.

“They’ll circle back,” he tells you, resting his arm on the back of the couch behind you. “It’s just chaos right now. Everyone’s excited, lots of people they haven’t seen in a while.”

You look at him fondly, appreciating his subtle attempt to make sure you’re not offended by his friends’ distracted behavior. “There’s plenty of time for us to get to know each other,” you muse. When he responds with a kiss that’s the softest and sweetest of the night so far, you know he understands you were talking long-term and not just about tonight’s event. “By the way, you can mingle if you want, you don’t have to hang out with me this whole time. Like you said, probably lots of people you haven’t seen in a while.”

He shrugs. “People, what people? Only us in the room, remember?”

You bump your knee against his, nudging him affectionately. “Ash, I’m serious.”

“So am I.” He nudges you back. “Saw my friends at rehearsal the other day and I’ll see them onstage. I’m sure everyone else is great but they couldn’t possibly be even half as interesting as you are.”

You smile softly and deflect with a joke, like you’re prone to do when you’re caught off guard. “You’re right, I am pretty great,” you agree. You don’t have the strength to fight the grin that spreads across your face when Ashton loudly giggles in response; you’ve never won the lottery before but you’re confident it couldn’t feel greater than making this man laugh. You can’t help but lean closer, playfully adding, “You’re pretty great too... I guess.”

“Thanks,” he chuckles out before pressing his lips to yours. Though your banter was sweet and lighthearted, there’s instantly heat behind this kiss and it doesn’t take long for you to get totally lost in each other. Part of you is aware that you’re still in a crowded dressing room but you’re also willing to bet that everyone around you is a little too buzzed, a little too self-involved to notice your PDA. And honestly, with the way Ash’s hand is inching up your hem, his quiet groans fading into your mouth… you’re having a hard time caring about anything else.

You finally break apart and as you catch your breath, you breathe against his ear, “Kinda wish we really were the only two people in this room now.” You squeeze his thigh for emphasis and moan slightly when you feel the muscle clench under his tight pants.

“God, me too, baby,” Ashton sighs back, hand now full on under your skirt, fingertips tracing designs on your skin, maddeningly close to your panties. His eyes scan the room, trying to compute how much farther to take things or where would be a more appropriate place to continue; suddenly, you see his expression change and feel his hand stop moving on you. Before you can turn to follow his gaze, he looks at you regretfully and says, “I just got cued, baby, our first couple songs are almost up, I’ve gotta get ready.”

“Oh right, that’s why we’re here,” you quip, taking a deep breath, trying to reset your mind. It’s not that you’re disappointed, you’ve been counting the days until you’d get to see him perform again; it’s just that your desire to have him on you is so strong right now, you can’t fathom the thought of his hands being anywhere else.

He cradles your face, kissing you quick but sweet. “You’ll come watch from the side?”

“I want you this much already, you sure you’re gonna be able to handle what I’m like after I see you on stage again?” You tease.

He pulls you up off the couch and into his arms. “Guess I’ll have to take my chances,” he smirks, running his hands over your back before giving you a quick swat to get you moving towards the door.

You split off in the hall, you grabbing a water and heading to claim a spot in the wings while Ash hustles to squeeze in a quick warm-up. You bite your lip, trying to play it cool when you hear him and his fellow musicians coming towards you, expecting him to walk past, focused on the show. Instead, everything in you feels like it’s been set ablaze as he stops beside you, silently placing his hand on your ass while he waits for the act onstage to finish up.

The song ends and with a farewell squeeze to your cheeks, he’s off. You try to snap yourself out of your lustful daze to enjoy the show but it’s like your brain can only focus on his tattooed arms flexing, his shirt threatening to expose even more of his bare chest as it pulls across his broad frame, his thick thighs bouncing as he drums. You zone out a little, thinking about what it might feel like to straddle his thigh while he moves like that, you holding onto his wide shoulders for dear life. It’s a fantasy you haven’t been able to get out of your mind since you first watched him rehearsing in his basement but so far you’re undecided on if you should share it with him.

At some point, you’re able to pull your mind out of the gutter and start swaying and singing to the music for a while, at least until one of the songs ends with Ashton grabbing his cymbal to silence it and your mind starts flashing memories of his hands gripping your tits, your ass. His hair, dampened with sweat, keeps falling in his face and it’s so reminiscent of how he looks when he’s over you in bed, you swear your hands literally ache to brush the curls behind his ear like you always do.

Your heart pounds with anticipation as the next combo of musicians wait beside you for their cue; moments later, the switch happens and your sweaty, breathless boyfriend is suddenly headed towards you. He cheerfully greets the others as they pass each other and then he’s taking your hand and leading you away from the stage.

“Can’t go too far, I’ve only got two songs,” he explains. You offer him the rest of your water and he gulps it as he briskly walks you down the hall, away from the still raucous dressing rooms.

He stops at the far end, in a dimly lit area near what seems to be a pair of locked offices; he backs you against the wall and you take the opportunity to tease him. “You know… you’re kinda sexy up there,” you comment with a grin, ogling him in his shirt that’s now sheer with sweat and clinging to his body.

Ash’s eyes shine with amusement as he brings himself closer to you. “Yeah? You’re one to talk, I’m out there trying to do my job and out of the corner of my eye I keep seeing this goddamn dress moving every which way,” he says, hands roaming up and down your sides.

“Told you I wanted to dance,” you reply, mouth nearly touching his.

“And I told you I wanted to take this dress off of you,” he rasps, nipping at your bottom lip before diverting his attention to your neck.

The combination of his words, being denied a kiss and the rough feeling of his beard has you groaning. You tangle your fingers in his hair, finally pushing his wet curls back like you longed to. "Guess being the only two people in this hall will have to do for now," you sigh.

"For now," he insists before kissing you with urgency. He fits his leg in between yours and looks you up and down hungrily. "I've got a longer break after this."

You whimper slightly as your mouths crash together again; you're not sure what exactly he's promising but you think you might die from waiting for it. You devour each other's kisses, bodies rutting against each other, hands everywhere for the next few minutes until you can tell Ashton’s concentration has shifted to listening to the song being played, trying to determine how much time he has left with you.

“God, Ash… swear I could cum like this if we kept at it,” you pant, licking your lips as you move against him.

He groans gruffly, resting his forehead on yours as he attempts to catch his breath. “Fuck, baby, don’t tempt me, I should be heading back,” he huffs.

“You gonna be able to make it through this set?” You ask, lightly tracing over the outline of his stiff cock in his tight pants.

He quickly grabs your hand and pins it above your head. “Not if you start doing things like that,” he breathes. You respond by capturing his lips in a rough kiss; he’s always so chill and in control of himself, you love these fleeting moments when you get to see him desperate like this.

He curses under his breath as he separates from you and then he's wordlessly pulling you back down the hall. He makes it to the side of the stage just in time for the lineup change and he leans in to your ear as he leaves, voice deep and teasing, "Behave."

You shudder at his warning, biting the inside of your cheek to keep from audibly reacting. His performance only excites you more; you can feel the force behind every drum hit, your stomach in knots thinking about how that energy might be directed towards your pleasure in just a few minutes. You lock eyes with him at one point and he holds your gaze so intensely as he works the kit, you're surprised you don't cum on the spot.

You're not sure how many songs pass, could've been two, could've been twenty, but now Ashton is stalking towards you and even though you couldn't wait for him to be finished, you now feel completely unprepared to face him. He says nothing, just discreetly gestures for you to follow him and the two of you slip away amidst all the stage area traffic. You trail him down that same hallway and you briefly wonder if he’s so far gone that he wants to try and get off out in the open over here. You wonder if you’re far gone enough that you’ll agree to it.

You’re jolted from your thoughts at the feeling of Ash suddenly grabbing your wrist and pulling you through one of the doors you were making out in front of earlier. He closes it behind you and immediately has you pressed up against it, tongue in your mouth, knee back between your legs before you even have a chance to get your bearings; your head spins as he unleashes all the passion he had to fight down while he was on stage. You finally come to your senses enough to gently push him back so you can assess the situation.

“Staff bathroom,” he explains, nipping at your neck while you look around. “Most venues have ‘em, hidden away from the dirty rockers. Noticed this door was ajar when we were over here before and had a hunch that’s what it was.”

You grin, throwing your arms around his neck, teasing, “Smart, talented and sexy, I really won the dirty rocker jackpot, didn’t I?” You’re midway through a steamy kiss before it occurs to you to ask, “How much time?”

He cocks his head, listening to the muffled sounds of the concert. “Four? Songs after this one?” He pulls you away from the door and helps you up onto the counter, smoothly sweeping the baskets of amenities aside. “Tell me what you’re comfortable with, baby, earlier you were saying you could get off just from ---”

His own laughter cuts off his sentence as you pull him by his belt to stand between your legs and you start unbuckling him without hesitation. “Appreciate the courtesy, Ash, but we’re finally the only two people in the room, I’m gonna need you to fuck me.” You pull him out of his boxers, hissing at the feeling of his cock already slick with precum and begin to pump him eagerly.

“Just checking,” he smirks, loving how game you are. “I had my suspicions but I didn’t want to just assume you were a ‘fuck me in the club bathroom’ kinda girl.”

You shiver at the feeling of his fingers dancing up your skirt to tug your panties off. “Listen, I was considering being a ‘fuck me in this empty hallway’ kinda girl, so this bathroom is a five-star hotel if you ask me.”

He chuckles, stilling your hand on him. “Doesn’t look like this five-star hotel came stocked with any condoms, huh?” He nods in the direction of the products behind you.

“Hope not, I was looking forward to watching your final set while I enjoy the feeling of your cum dripping out of me,” you boldly declare.

Ashton’s eyes widen and the cackle he lets out is so high-pitched he claps his hand over his mouth as it reverberates off the bathroom tile. “Baby, what the fuck?” He exclaims delightedly, sloppily kissing you. “Jesus, we’re gonna have so much fun on tour.”

You don’t get a chance to unpack that statement because now he’s pulling you forward on the counter so he can run his cock up and down your pussy, spreading your wetness around, teasing your clit with his tip; suddenly nothing else matters. “Inside, Ash,” you whine, already feeling out of breath. “We’ve waited long enough.”

He immediately heeds your instruction and starts pushing in. You dig your nails into his bicep, the pressure and the stretch both feeling unreal at this angle. Ash already looks dazed, watching intently as he slides in; you fight to keep your eyes from fluttering shut so you can watch his cock disappear inside you. He bottoms out and you moan contentedly, you always feel so proud and awed when you’re able to so easily take all of him.

Your eyes flicker back up to Ashton’s as his hands caress your face. A soft sigh of your name is all he says before kissing you slowly. Ash is a man of many words and his kisses are no different when he has something to communicate. This kiss speaks volumes about how you’ve made him feel tonight, how he’s feeling in this moment. You moan quietly against his lips, overwhelmed by the intimacy and unspoken emotion.

“Pretty romantic considering you’re about to rail me in a nightclub bathroom,” you joke, trying to keep your own strong emotions at bay.

A sweet smile paints his face. “Only the best for my girl,” he laughs, drawing your legs around his waist and starting to move in you.

He moves moderately at first, obviously relishing the feeling of being inside you. You quietly murmur at his movements and an outright whimper escapes you as he lifts one of your legs higher, causing him to hit a deeper spot. Hungry to get that reaction from you again, he picks up the pace and starts hitting into you with force.

“Yeah, Ash… like that,” you encourage, hands trying to find purchase along the back of his damp shirt as you move along with him. “Oh, I’m so full, baby… it’s so fucking good.”

Ash groans, this angle clearly working for him too. “The way you take it, baby...” He breathlessly praises you. “God… even this deep… it’s just such a perfect fit.”

You push yourself up to kiss him, needing him near; you brush his hair out of his face as he pulls away and the smile you receive in return gives you butterflies. The giddy nervous energy surge that shoots through you almost seems silly given that he’s buried inside you but you can’t deny how pure and buoyant your feelings for him are. You’re dangerously fond of this man.

He stays close as he drives his cock into you, kissing your face, murmuring how good you feel, nuzzling his beard against you because he knows it drives you wild. You notice how his eyes keep drifting down to watch the way your breasts are bouncing with the force of his movements, jiggling so vigorously they’re threatening to spill over your neckline.

“Show you mine if you show me yours,” you tease, yanking open the remaining buttons on his shirt, running a hand down his chest hair.

He laughs, voice loud and husky with want. He leans you back and uses his teeth to pull the front of your dress down over your bra and you gasp as he does the same to free your tits from the thin lace. His hands, lips, teeth, tongue and beard spoil you with lustful affection and if time wasn’t a factor right now, you’d have let him stay there indefinitely.

You gently pull on his hair and he looks up at you, hazel eyes glazed over with desire. You stare at each other for a beat, chests heaving, until Ashton bursts into a fit of giggles, with you following suit.

“Kinda forgot where I was for a second,” he pants, leaning down to take your nipple between his teeth one more time before righting himself and bringing you back to the edge of the counter.

“I mean you’re not gonna hear me complain,” you laugh. “Just wanted to remind you that we’re on the clock.”

His hand glides between your legs and within seconds you're grabbing onto him, head rolling back as you moan at the pressure he’s giving your clit. “Yeah… I don’t think time is gonna be much of an issue.”

“You’re unbelievable,” you murmur, his hand continuing while his hips resume their work. His pace speeds up noticeably and at first you assume it’s to get you both to finish faster but then you realize his thrusts have started to keep rhythm with the song being played onstage. You smile to yourself, once again almost beside yourself with appreciation that this man is yours.

You wrap yourself around him, arms around his neck, legs locking around his waist. Ash instantly recognizes the need you’re feeling and he slides his hands under you, lifting you off the counter. His large hands grip your ass and he fucks you on his cock as you cling to him.

That feeling of nearness you were craving combined with his display of strength has your body going crazy. “Ah… Ash,” you whimper, feeling that pulsing in your core start to spread. “I’m…”

“Oh, me too, baby, me too,” he breathes. “You still want me to --”

“Yes, Ash, oh my god yes, cum in me, baby, want it so bad, yes!”

Ashton cumming inside you is still something new and even just the thought of it is enough to push you over the edge. Your cries echo across the bathroom as your pussy throbs and squeezes around him. Seeing and feeling your pleasure is everything Ash could’ve wanted and his orgasm hits without warning. He lets out a long whine as his cock pulses inside you, your tight walls coaxing out every drop of cum he has for you.

He gently sets you back on the counter and lets himself slump against you in exhaustion. You close your eyes and stroke through his sweat soaked curls, focusing on the feeling of your chests rising and falling in sync with each other.

Ash finally raises himself to kiss you slowly and deliberately; it feels almost as intense and intimate as the orgasms you just shared. Neither of you are saying much right now but the way your bodies are communicating leaves no question how you're feeling about each other.

You murmur a weak complaint as he pulls out and moves to grab some tissue. He turns back to you and the room is once again filled with the sound of his laughter when he sees you’ve dramatically laid your entire body across the counter and appear to be either dead or napping.

“That good, hmm?” He asks with a grin, pulling you back over to him and beginning to carefully clean you up.

“You’re gonna fuck me like that and I’m just supposed to move on with my night, enjoy the rest of the show?” You respond with smirking incredulity.

Ashton helps you into your underwear and pulls you off the counter into his arms. “Believe me, I’d take you home right now if I could.” He takes your face in his hands, smiling softly before kissing you again.

You chuckle as you look in the mirror, attempting to right your debauched appearance. “I guess it’s a good thing your friends ended up ditching us, this way they don't have to witness our walk of shame back to the stage.”

Ash’s arms circle your waist, squeezing tight. “Walk of shame? It’s a stride of pride, baby. You’re just a fan of the arts, this is how you appreciate the classics,” he insists with a cheeky smile.

You turn around in his arms, re-buttoning his shirt. “Speaking of…” You hold your hand up to your ear, listening to the concert. “Should you be on stage right now? Pretty sure I heard you rehearsing this one.”

He shrugs, smoothing down your hair where he tangled it earlier. “They probably think I’m out having a smoke, I’ll grab a tambourine and sneak in on the next one, it’s fine.”

You peek your head out the door and seeing the coast is clear, the two of you quietly make your way down the hall to the wings. You sway with Ashton as he waits for the song to end so he can casually walk on, as if his delayed entrance were planned.

Just as the final chords ring out, you whisper in his ear, laughing, “You know, after all that, technically you still haven’t gotten me out of this dress.”

He looks you up and down, eyes devouring you. “I guess we're about to be the only two people at the afterparty too,” he devilishly replies with a wink before strutting on stage.

@conversecake @cxddlyash @cashtonasfuck @talkfastromance4 @camelliastreet @itjustkindahappenedreally @saywhatnow07 @mymindwide @suchalonelysunflower @pxrxmoore @findingliam-o @fedorable-killjoys @trix-arent-for-kids @olivia-foster-irwin @saphseoul @calmsweetcreature @onthecliffside-mgc @feliznavidaddycal @himbohood @maggiesupertramp @karajaynetoday @ashtonangst @sunshineeashton @aladyofalbion @youngblood199456 @xsongbirdx @fairytrice @calumrose @irwindoll @polycashton @in-superbloom @2fangirl4u @highstwildflower @t3lkfast @bport76

[nostalgiabones]

The Story of Us // C.H

It feels like SO LONG since I last posted any writing! Here is the second instalment of the Song Series for my last follow milestone (which I announced and then just didn’t write for 2 months😳). I had a moment at 2am where everything fell into place with this fic and I was screaming about it to @calumrose lmao. It’s taken a long time but I’m so happy with how this has turned out and I LOVE the concept of this song so much. I’d love to know what you think!

Song: The Story of Us — Taylor Swift

Word count: 5.1k

Tapping your fingernails on the counter, your eyes search around the busy kitchen for a familiar face – one to ease the anxiety of the first party you’ve attended for longer than you can remember. The kitchen gives you more space to breathe than the garden you fought your way through to get to the house, greeting smiles and quick ‘hellos’ to friends you haven’t seen for a while. There’s one friend in particular you’re expecting to see, yet a part of you doesn’t want to.

“Hey, you made it!”

The voice of a close friend fills your ears over the pounding of the bass from the speaker in the lounge, pumping the whole house (and possibly, the whole street) with music. You can tell Ashton has already taken over the playlist, old classic rock songs being the common theme so far. The counter is already sticky with alcohol. It was one of these parties where you first met Calum – in his true drunk state, he had spilt a drink over your shoes, and spent the remainder of the night trying to make it up to you. He apologised any chance he got, no matter how much you reassured him it was okay and insisted on giving you his number so he could ‘apologise again when he was sober.’ He had done, too, and that’s where it began.

Most Friday nights you’d get a text from him asking you to tag along to whoever’s party was going on, telling you that they weren’t the same without you there. “I need you there as my wingman,” he’d insist, although he had no intention of going home with anyone else. His turn to host rolled around, and that’s when things had changed – the night had ended with you crashing on his spare bed. Everyone else had left and he didn’t see you go, and it wasn’t until Duke had his attention that he had found you – curled up on the bed in his spare room. He thought about waking you up, but decided that he couldn’t bring himself to do it once his gaze fell upon your sleeping face. All he did was remove your shoes, to make you more comfortable, and tuck you in so you didn’t get cold. He had murmured a “good night,” pushing your hair away from your face with a kiss to your forehead.

The next morning, he had found you in his kitchen; Duke keeping you company, curled up in your lap as you wait for Calum to wake up. Waking up in his spare bedroom had been a surprise, yet you didn’t feel entirely uncomfortable. You could’ve left straight away, just leaving a note, but you didn’t. You stayed for breakfast, testing Calum’s cooking skills, and both of you (silently) felt as though you wish it could happen more often.

After that, the texts weren’t just invitations to parties.

They were invitations to get coffee, to take Duke on a hike, to listen to a song he was working on. Any reason he could think of to see you, he would take it, yet he wouldn’t admit to himself why he wanted to see you so often. Your friends knew it; at every party you’d arrive together, dance together, his fingertips would linger on your hips, always touching you somehow. It looked so easy, fun, and free from the outside.

You’re the lucky ones.

Four words both you and Calum had heard time and time again from your friends. They’d see the smiles that grace both yours and his lips at parties when you were together, losing yourselves in the music and each other. Friends would ask where you both stood; what you are, or what you were. Some had called it friends with benefits, most thought you were dating, but whenever you were asked, all you could reply was “I don’t know.” It seemed as though your friends never believed you, but it was the truth — Calum doesn’t like labels.

Calum would take you on unofficial dates; never labelled as such, but something as casual as going to dinner didn’t quite feel the same when he refused to let you pay and you ended up in his bed. Most nights you’d just stay up talking, watching the evening bleed into night as the sun sets and the moon rises. You’d talk about anything from his eclectic taste in music to what the purpose of life is, yet somehow, you never talked about your relationship. Anything but yourselves. The first time he kissed you, it almost felt accidental; his face was just that bit too close to yours for you to not kiss him, his chapped lips brushing yours for a brief moment. His eyes had quickly assessed the expression on your face, wondering whether you were thinking the same thing of what just happened. He had waited a moment before asking “Is it okay if I kiss you again?” and of course… you said yes. You felt something, so did he, but the feelings never translated to words; you never found out what was going on inside his head. And that was the problem.

“I brought you a drink!” You’re snapped out of your thoughts by her voice as she hands you the red cup, filled with whatever had been thrown together in the ice bucket at the other side of the kitchen. You had watched her do the rounds around the room, catching up with everyone else hanging around, and had finally made her way to you. “You know Calum is here, right? Why are you over here all by yourself?”

You hope she didn’t ask him the same question. It’s clear your facial expression gives more away than you intended, and you’re met with a furrowed brow before she continues.

“Did something happen?” She questions, an inquisitive expression on her face as she glances over your shoulder. It’s in that moment you realise he’s there, at the other side of the room, and suddenly it feels like the walls are closing in. She knows Calum well too, but they really are just friends — she can tell something is off with him, too. You allow your eyes to glance to where he’s stood, talking to someone you recognise but whose name you can’t recall. Calum’s eyebrows are furrowed, he looks deep in thought although he’s definitely not paying attention to the conversation that he’s stuck in. “Never mind, don’t answer that. New question, what happened?”

You sigh, taking a sip of the drink she handed you before trying to think of an answer. What did happen? Things have become distant. As much as you enjoy being around Calum, sometimes the uncertainty is too much. He’s a closed book; very difficult to talk to about how he feels, and it leads to you overthinking way too much. Sometimes you just want to sit him down and tell him everything; how even though your relationship is nothing serious, sometimes you wish it could be. You try not to get attached in case he doesn’t think anything of you in the way you wish, sometimes. It’s difficult when he treats you better than any man has before.

“I just haven’t seen him for a while,” You tell her, and it’s not a lie. You haven’t seen him. It doesn’t add up though, not to any of your friends — the two of you would be the life of the party normally. It doesn’t feel the same when you’re at opposite ends of the room.

“Then why aren’t you over there catching up?” She asks, and you know you can’t hide it anymore. She can see it in your eyes. It’s rare that you’re not joined at the hip in any social situation; your friends didn’t know too much about you and Calum in private, yet you know she won’t be the only one to notice the distance between the two of you. They don’t know about the ‘dates’ or about the times where you’ve called him crying after a bad day. They don’t know about the kisses, how he holds you in the dark of the night, or how you know more about him than anyone you’ve ever met. They don’t know about you and Calum.

You pause for a minute before answering her.

“Nothing happened between us,” You sigh, your nails anxiously tapping against the plastic cup in your hand. “That’s the problem.”

You watch as Calum laughs at a joke a friend has made. It’s not his true laugh though – where his eyes crinkle and his nose twitches, where he looks as though his cheeks could burst from how hard he’s smiling. That’s a laugh reserved for you, when you tell him a silly childhood story at 3:00am. There are many parts of Calum which only you get to see. You notice his hair has grown out compared to when you saw him last. The blonde is hardly there now, just specs throughout the ends of the dark curls. Your heart thuds in your chest as you look at him – he’s right there, yet he feels a million miles away, like there’s a wall in the middle of the room preventing you from getting any closer. It’s even further to reach his heart.

Calum is a closed book, but the pages you have read, you remember.

You know his feelings on a lot of things. You know he loves his family more than anything in the world, that he eventually wants to grow old in Australia near the beach, and that his purpose in this lifetime is to make music for people to fall in love with. He cares deeply about those around him, he shows his love through affection, he calls Duke his soulmate. He loves to cook for those close to him and has a list of recipes in his phone of meals he wants to make for his mum. He once spent a whole night telling you how his sister is one of his biggest inspirations. Playing shows and meeting those who support him makes him feel alive. You know a lot about Calum... except for how he feels about you.

“You should talk to him,” She suggests, a gentle touch on your arm to get your attention. It sounds like such a simple thing to do – just talk to him! Just tell him how you feel!However, Calum is so guarded, that the thought of the feeling not being reciprocated looms over you too much to think about doing it. You wouldn’t even know where to begin, months’ worth of emotions and frustrations to work through. It would only work if Calum were willing to talk to. And you’re not sure he is. “You’re not going to have fun until you do, and neither will he. It’s not like you to be so quiet.”

You cross your arms and bite the inside of your lip – two signs that Calum would recognise as anxiety if he looked in your direction.

“Calum doesn’t know how to talk about us.” You retort, a defeated tone to your voice before you even think about talking to him. Although, you have to admit, it wouldn’t be fair to blame to Calum alone. How could a situation be so simple yet so complex at the same time? No-one had ever made you feel as free as he does; so comfortable with the space to be yourself no matter what. He never judged you. Night by night he broke your walls down; learning more each time about your family, about what lead to you to Los Angeles, about your deepest ambitions. Although whenever you went longer than usual without seeing each other, it made you want to be guarded again, unable to shake the anxiety that comes along with sharing your deepest secrets with someone. All of it in turn had led to weeks, nearly a month of no communicating, and you’d be lying if you said there’s nothing you want more than to fall asleep in his arms once more.

“You should try.” She tells you once more, and you know she’s right. “Trust me.”

She excuses herself to go catch up with someone else, and your eyes can’t help but land on Calum at the other side of the room. He looks more comfortable now, but you notice Luke to his right, and realise that’s probably why. There are so many people around, yet you’ve never felt so alone, like an alien in the group. Calum made you feel everything but alone, especially at a party, he’d never leave your side. You never had the chance to feel lonely. Yet in this moment, it’s all you can think about. You wonder if he feels as alone as you do.

Your fingertips fall to the corner of your jacket, nervously fumbling with the material, needing something to ground you whilst trying to think of something other than Calum. You don’t get very long to do so before your phone offers a distraction; a text lighting up the screen, the contact name of ‘Cal’ making your stomach drop.

Meet me upstairs in 5? Spare room at the back.

You can’t help but sigh at the words, your eyes locked on the screen; too scared to look up in case he’s watching your reaction. It feels so impersonal. Why didn’t he just come and talk to you?

Downing the rest of your drink, you head to grab another one, knowing you’ll need it if you’re going to talk to him. What does he want to talk about? What are you meant to say? The questions are a constant dialogue in your mind, occupying the space, leaving room for little else. Glancing around the room, you note that Calum is no longer there, and that he must’ve gone upstairs to wait for you. It feels like you’re floating as you head up the stairs. Not in a happy way, more due to nerves – the adrenaline and anxiety flooding your veins as your fingers grasp the handrail leading to the upper floor of the house. There’s three bedrooms that you can see; one to each side, and one straight ahead at the back of the house. The door is ajar, and you just know Calum is sat on the bed waiting for you.

Your knuckles gently tap the wooden door and you hear Calum clear his throat; your heart races, and when you push the door open, it’s hard to look at him. Having him there, right in front of you, is almost too much to process and it suddenly feels like there’s no air in the room.

Calum’s eyes follow you as you join him at the end of the bed, not too close to him, yet close enough that he could reach out and touch you if he wanted to. No words are said – you stare at your boots, clearing your throat and waiting for Calum to speak first. You’re both too stubborn.

“Why are you so nervous?” Calum breaks the silence – his voice is deeper than you remember. It’s quiet, yet loud enough that you can hear him over the sound of the music and people talking and singing downstairs. His hands rest on either side of him, fingertips pressed into the duvet as he turns to look at you. It makes his heart ache a little that you’re avoiding his gaze, and he knows you’re uncomfortable. “It’s just me.”

Just him.

“You know you make me nervous,” You retort, a sarcastic yet innocent twinge to your voice as you reply. You know he knows that. It’s something the two of you joked about from the beginning – saying it’s the reason you never spoke to him before the shoe incident. He’s a mysterious person, intriguing; a tough person to get through to, especially when you don’t know him. “Especially when we haven’t talked in a while.”

He nods, a smirk on his lips, but there’s nothing about the situation he finds funny. He’s missed you a lot, and now you’re in the same room together, with no choice but to talk – he realises how much distance there is between you both. Silence has never been so loud before. He doesn’t know where to start, or how to tell you how much he’s missed you. He’s not one to be openly expressive with his emotions, he usually does it through gestures or shows of affection – yet he hasn’t had the chance to show that side of him with you.

“What have you been up to?” He asks, trying to make you feel less uneasy around him before he asks anything more cutting. That was one thing you always admired about Calum – his warmth, his ability to put people at ease by holding conversation. He’s a social butterfly, he loves getting to meet people when he’s out. He has his quiet moments at home when he has time to think. He shifts uncomfortably on the bed as he murmurs a quieter, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”

The last few words catch you off guard and now it’s your turn to look at him, his eyes cast towards the ground and his jaw clenched. His eyebrows are furrowed, and you know there’s a million thoughts swirling around his head. Is that Calum admitting some feelings towards you?

“I’ve just been working, really. I went home for a little while, like I told you about,” You reply, remembering back to the last night you spent with Calum, just after you booked your tickets home. Although what you don’t tell him is that most of the time, you couldn’t stop thinking about him being there with you. “How was Europe?”

You had plans to go home, Calum had the rest of his year planned out for him – he had been with the band in Europe and the UK for a little while, and you kept up with his travels on Instagram. Calum had been thinking about you too. He knows how badly you want to travel; that being one of the ambitions you had admitted to him, and he wants to fulfil it. With every cold hotel bed that he slept him, he wanted you to keep him warm. Exploring a city wasn’t quite the same on his own.

“It was different,” He answers, and you’re not sure what he means by that. You wait for him to expand on what ‘different’ entails, yet he doesn’t. Different means unsettled; it means that he didn’t get chance to say goodbye to you before he left, and it didn’t sit right with him. He saw you viewing his Instagram stories, he started to post them just to see if you’d keep watching. You did.

And the room is silent all over again. It is for several moments, until you speak up again.

“Why did you ask me to come up here?” You prod, wanting to cut the small talk. As nice as it is to catch up, there’s a weight on your chest – one that won’t be relieved until something gives with Calum. You don’t want to fight, but there’s things that need to be said. “I didn’t have you down as a ‘texting from the same room’ kinda guy. You could’ve just come and talked to me.”

Calum huffs a laugh, a hand lifting to run through the thick curls upon his head. A tell-tale sign of his own anxiety. He doesn’t say anything, though.

“Now who’s the nervous one?” You continue, raising your eyebrows, knowing you have the upper hand. “What, is the thought of talking about your feelings making you uncomfortable? What else is new?”

He sighs, sitting for a moment, thinking of what to respond. Now you’re more comfortable, he knows there’s no holding back. It’s not going to be an easy conversation.

“First of all, I couldn’t just come up and talk to you. There were too many eyes on us, my friends already noticed we weren’t talking. I know yours did too,” He tells you, and you can’t help but roll your eyes. He has so many walls up and trying to break them down is exhausting.

“I miss you holding me as tightly as you’re holding your pride right now,” You murmur, picking at your nails, avoiding his gaze as you speak the words. Now Calum is the one caught off guard. “I want to know how you’re feeling, Calum. I need to know whether this is killing you as much as it’s killing me.”

For a moment Calum thinks he hears your voice catching in his throat and it goes straight to his heart like a dagger, his head snapping up to look at you. He never wanted any of this to happen – he didn’t mean to hurt you. The lack of communication between you both is astounding to him, now that he thinks about it; the lack of boundaries – the line between friendship and more somewhat blurred. The whole thing seems blurry now, and he’s not sure how to provide the clarity he knows you’re looking for.

“I don’t know what to say.” He admits, truly at a loss for words. There’s so much to say, yet so little. Where does he begin? He hears your sharp intake of breath and he knows you’re frustrated – barely getting more than one sentence out of him at a time.

“Calum, I’m so tired of having to pretend like I don’t care about whatever this is. Right now, it feels like we’re competing to see who cares less. I want to know how you feel about me, about us.” It’s like something is awoken in you. If this is the last conversation you have with him, you want to know it all; whether the nights of sleeping next to him meant as much to him as they did to you. “No more holding back.”

Calum clicks his tongue before he nods, inhaling through his nose, placing one hand on the bed so he can put his weight on it to look right at you. “Alright.”

“Tell me,” Your tone is slightly softer now that he’s agreed. As frustrating as it can be at times, you know it’s not an easy thing for Calum. You know he cares. He just needs to show it. “I’m listening.”

“You want to know what I think about when I look at you?” Calum starts, looking right at you – you’re drawn in by his stare. It’s a lot. Taking a deep breath, you prepare for whatever he’s going to say, and nod in a gesture for him to continue. “I think about the night of my party when I found you on the spare bed. How, for some reason, you were comfortable enough to fall asleep at my house, when we weren’t even that close then. How when I tucked you into bed, you just looked so peaceful. You worry too much when you’re awake.”

You felt free around Calum, yet you didn’t at the same time. You could be yourself, he wanted to know everything about you – yet without the labels of a relationship, you held back from showing too much. There were times Calum wanted to kiss you, and when you wanted to kiss him, but you didn’t. Friends don’t just do that. The more he got to know you, the more he wanted to know, but the more he felt like holding back. He realises a lot of things could be solved if you had just talked a little earlier.

“And then I remember the morning after, when I woke up and Duke wasn’t in my bed, so I knew something was different. How I found you sat in my kitchen with him – that you didn’t leave before I woke up. It just felt so normal, I couldn’t shake it off all day, after you left...” He continues, like he’s letting his mind get away with him. He’s barely said anything, yet it’s the most you’ve heard about how he feels about you. “I didn’t want you to leave. I didn’t realise that until you had gone.”

Calum notices the little things. There are countless moments in his mind that he wishes he could live all over again – a lot of the firsts with you. He wishes he would’ve appreciated them more in the moment.

“And then I think about the first time we kissed. I didn’t think it was going to happen then, I don’t think either of us meant for it to. We have a lot of firsts... the first time I saw you cry, after that fight with your parents, when you called me before anyone else. I like that you rely on me, sometimes, it says a lot about how you feel.” He explains, and it’s so much to take in. “I guess I looked for your feelings in your actions, rather than just asking you. Things would probably be different now if we had just communicated with each other.”

You nod, and know it’s not just Calum to blame. Your communication was just as lack lustre as his. Calum read into your body language and actions a lot – he’d notice when you’d hug him tighter just for a moment longer, or when you’d bring him his usual coffee order, after stopping off to get one for yourself. Calum notices the little things, and they mean a lot.

“What about you?” He asks, and you should’ve expected it. “Tell me how you feel.”

Every moment that passes feels like a lifetime; you’re both taking the time to think.

“I liked it better when you were on my side,” You murmur with a small smile, allowing yourself to think of when things were how they used to be. Nothing has really felt the same since. You decide it’s time to lay everything out, to say everything you’ve wanted him to know for the past few months – at least then, if anything, you don’t leave with any regrets. Calum nods at the words, knowing he’d rather go back to the good times too. “I miss sleeping in your bed. I don’t feel like I’ve talked to anyone in so long. I didn’t realise how much we shared with each other until I didn’t speak to you for a while. Now that we’re here talking… it kinda feels like I can breathe again.”

As wonderful as things could be with Calum, it wasn’t always easy. As soon as you left his house, you’d be thinking the time you spent together over and over, questioning the little things; whether he meant to rest his hand on your thigh whilst you watched a movie, or whether he knows exactly how you like your drinks. It consumed you sometimes, leaving your head spinning and heart aching. It hurt him too, sometimes, when he’d drive you home with Duke in the backseat and wait until he saw you make it safely inside. Duke would jump up at the window, as if to wonder where you had gone, and he’d murmur a “I know how you feel, buddy.”

You’re both caught up in your thoughts, and Calum doesn’t have time to say anything else before you set the record straight.

“I don’t want to hold back anymore, Cal. Not if you want it too. I’m either all in, or all out. I don’t want to be stuck in the middle where I don’t know where I stand. I can’t do it again.” Your voice cracks as you speak, and Calum almost breaks on the spot; he doesn’t want to be the cause of your tears. Not ever. He scoots across the bed a little and reaches out; warm, calloused fingers gently picking your own hand up and fitting it in his own. His fingers link with yours and he gently squeezes, trying to get you to look at him.

“Please don’t cry, love,” He murmurs, his thumb brushing over your knuckles. He doesn’t know why you’re emotional, whether it’s because you’re still unsure of where he stands, the relief of talking everything through, or something else.

Commitment isn’t something that comes natural to Calum. He’s passionate about a lot of things; when he cares about something, he gives it his all, but his heart is guarded. It terrifies him to have to be vulnerable, but he knows that if he doesn’t let you in, he’ll regret it forever. In reality, he’s already let you in… He just has to admit to himself.

“I’m all in. You have my word, and my heart. No more going back and forth, okay? I want it all. You’ve got me.” He reassures you, his free hand resting on top of your joint ones, thumb stroking back and forth over the top of your palm. You nod and swallow the lump in your throat, relief coursing through your veins at the reassurance from his words. It feels like everything is lifted from your shoulders, like you can breathe once more.

“You have me, too. I want to be with you, I want you, but we have to learn how to talk to each other,” You tell him, knowing communication is going to be the crucial difference between before and now. It’s not going to work without. “I know it’s not easy, but we have to try.”

Calum moves closer and almost pulls you into his lap, one arm going around your shoulders to pull you close to him. You’re flooded with warmth and the familiar scent of a combination of his washing powder and his cologne, one that still lingers on your bedsheets months after he last slept there, one that you’ve missed. One that is just simply Calum. You bury your face against his neck and his free hand lands on your thigh, a comforting gesture; he just wants to be as close as possible.

His hand moves from your thigh and his fingertips gently take your chin, tilting your face so you’re looking right at him. His pointer finger traces your cheekbone, down your cheek, under your bottom lip as he breathes you in.

“No more holding back,” He murmurs, his chapped lips brushing yours, a feeling of relief crashing over the two of you and your mouths get acquainted once more. It’s been too long, Calum decides, as he pulls back for a moment and his lips are right back on yours again. It’s mere seconds before he’s slipping his tongue into your mouth and it’s a sensation you’ve missed; he tastes of alcohol as he kisses you and you commit the feeling to memory. The tips of your noses nudge together as the kiss goes on and you never want it to end; it’s the start of a new era, a new beginning to your relationship now that you can call it that. The kiss is urgent and desperate, and it says everything unspoken – there’s a long way to go, but it feels like a good start. “Can I take you home?”

“Please.”

Next chapter.

***

If you’ve made it this far — thank you so so much for reading! I’d love to know what you think, and if you have any requests for songs I could write about — please let me know! 🥰

Song Series — Masterlist

Masterlist of all writings

Ask-box

Taglist: @irwinkitten @wildflowergrae @luckyduckydoo @letstaketheups-and-downs @jazzyangel242 @cashworthy @babylon-corgis @norawashere @monsteramongmikey @late-nightdevil @maluminspace @fluffsshawn @xhaileyreneex @flowerthug @calpops @youngblood199456 @aliencal @wokeupinjapanisabop @banditocth @cashtonasfuck @5-secondsofcolor @g-l-pierce @monsteramongmgc @calmlftv @mantlereid @treatallwithkindness @another-lonely-heart @calumrose @inlovehoodx @mermaidcashton @everydayimfangirling @b-easybreezy @ilumxna @malumsmermaid @opheliaaurora23 @talkfastromance4 @zhangyixingxing1 @everyscarisahealingplace @mateisit-balsamic @saphseoul @suchalonelysunflower @findingliam-o @castaway-cashton @megz1985 @notinthesameguey @calumscalm @karajaynetoday @metalandboybands @littledrummeraussie @vxlentinecal @itjustkindahappenedreally @queenalienscherrypie @xxxstormyninixxx @chicken-ona-stick @hoodhoran @harrys-shrooms @midnightash

[in-superbloom]

did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? (a.i.)

right where you left me: prologue

pairing: ashton irwin x olivia jones (oc)

warnings: uhh a kinda grieving theme i guess? but no deaths. it has a sad tone overall, but nothing major (in this chapter hehe). foul language because i can't help myself. the tiniest mention of alcohol, but as a memory. think i should probably warn you that this contains a very sad ash. also not much dialogues. this is mainly for explanation and introduction, but very important for the story. if you find anything else that might be triggering, please let me know so i can add it here !!

author's note: oof okay. so. this is the prologue of a series very very dear to my heart that i've been working on for what it feels like my whole life but really it's been just a few months. but i'm in love with the story (which rarely happens with my own writing) so i hope you can enjoy it too !! this is also my very first time posting a fic since 2013 so pls keep that in mind <3 no i am not shaking as type this ofc not also: although i have the full story ready in my head, this is the only chapter that's written. i wanted to wait until i had at least a few ready before posting this but i'm too anxious for that lmao just saying this bc it will take a good while until i have any more chapters, so <3 (p.s.: i went over this thing a million times since may so if you find any errors pls look away, i'm not fixing this thing anymore. thanks <3)

another note: anna from the future here to say that i completely forgot about the playlist i made for the story lmao here it is in case you're interested k thanks bye <3

credits: title is from taylor swift's song right where you left me. model in the picture: paola locatelli. banner by me.

i also wanted to take a minute to thank some really nice friends that i've made here over these past few months & that i'm extremely grateful for @wastelandcth @suchalonelysunflower @littledrummerangie i cannot thank you babes enough for inspiring me the way that you do & for letting me yell about this to you && for encouraging me so much 🥺 i'll never be able to explain just how much this means to me, so i'll have to settle for saying thank you at any change that i can get <3 i love you all 💜 also gem my baby, thank you for the inspo with the banner 💚

@bluesdelis look babe i did it 😌 you know how grateful i am for you & for you letting me have a breakdown every week about my writing for the past 8 years so let's not dive into that or else i will write something bigger than this prologue jsjsjdjd love you 🖤

i hope you all have a good reading and a nice day ♡

let me know what are your thoughts about the fic ! ♡

word count: 4.1k

☆☆☆

Cold. That was the first thing that Olivia’s brain processed.

Still with her eyes closed, she buried herself more into the duvet, while her arm blindly reached for the furnace in human form that she calls boyfriend. However, as soon as her arm was only met with cold sheets, her eyes shot open.

Blinking the sleep away, she sat up on the bed, searching for the infamous red clock resting on Ashton’s bedside table that was supposed to look like a vintage alarm clock. Olivia had ordered it online at an auction website a couple of years back, as a gift for his 23rd birthday, since it was something he had mentioned multiple times prior that he was looking for, but still hadn't found. But when it finally came in (two weeks after the due date), it looked nothing like the picture she saw on the website. Feeling beyond frustrated, she wanted to send it back immediately and ask for a refund and maybe leave a not so polite review on the seller's page. But Ashton stopped her right away, laughing like the situation was absolutely hilarious to him, while saying, 'I like it, it’s quirky'. So, the clock stayed and found a home right next to him in their room.

Some days, however, she would wake up at some ungodly hour because of the blaring noise of the only ringtone the clock had. But whatever annoyance she could feel towards the object, it always vanished as soon as she felt Ashton's lips gently touching her face in a good morning kiss before he would get up to start his day, leaving her to catch some more hours of well deserved sleep.

As the furthest from a morning person as a touring musician could possibly be, Olivia had always feared that living under the same roof as Ashton would turn her into an early bird like him, but she's thankful that it never happened (not that he needs to know about that).

When she sees the red clock, she smiles at the sudden but welcome memories of them flooding her foggy brain, but frowns slightly when she realizes it reads 12:13 pm. Ashton rarely lets her sleep past 10 am.

Gathering all her strength and will, she rises up from the bed, smoothly picking up a grey wool sweatshirt from the chair (way too baggy on her slim body, but it smells like him), pulling it over her head and relishing on the soft material warming up her body. Making her way to the door and calmly going down the stairs, she can’t help but stop for a minute to admire the picture frames on their walls, one in particular catches her attention – probably one of the most prized pictures and memories they had. It felt older than it actually is, but it was around 4 years ago, she's sure – a little while after the two of them met. The picture was of their group of friends that still remains the same: Ashton and his best friend, Luke; Olivia, her best friend, Calum and their old hometown friend, turned into Calum’s new friend at college, turned into everyone’s friend, Michael; and her then newly band members, Suki, Eli and Ravi. Together, their group was the life of the party through all their college years, and it showed by the big smiles and drinks in hands they all had in the picture. It was a very special night, the first time Olivia’s little band played for the public – for a small audience sure, but it was a wonderful night nonetheless. What a long road it had been since that night.

Her nostalgic thoughts were interrupted by a shiver that went through her whole body, and it made her realize how oddly cold the whole house was, not only their bedroom. Which, granted, it was November in New York and the weather was just getting colder, but that’s exactly why Ashton always made sure to keep the house warm enough. As much as she loved the chilly season, the warm weather always reminded him of his hometown, and who was she to deny him that?

The smell of fresh made coffee could be sensed even before she reached the kitchen. Arriving there, the curly haired woman still found no signs of her boyfriend, so she went straight after the coffee maker pot sitting on the far left corner of the cream marble counter. Smiling softly at the tons of memories of Ashton's sleepy figure making their favorite beverage, she reached for a coffee mug on the cupboard on top of the counter and poured the remainder of the hot liquid on it (it's her favorite mug, if she must choose – it was a gift from a fan, and it had printed on it a collage of the pictures of her and Ashton that were posted on social media through their first year of relationship).

Moving to the glass doors that lead to the mini garden they cultivate, she didn't have to open them to spot the 6-feet-tall man sitting on a bench outside, looking oddly small in his oversized clothes, coffee mug tightly held between strong hands. Something about his figure made Olivia frown, however: he was staring with an unwavering look at her small but eye-catching pot of yellow daffodils that were almost as much of a pet to them as Stitch at this point. Sensing that there’s something definitely off about his semblance, she made a mental note to talk to him and find out what’s wrong later. So she goes back to the kitchen, knowing that he might need this quiet and private moment for himself.

She lost count of the minutes that went by (couldn't have been more than five) before she hears the garden's door opening and closing, and then his bare feet are dragging his brawny body to her. Except, he goes over to the sink, walking right through her, not showing any sign that he even saw her hunched figure over the counter table in the middle of the room.

Alright, someone's in a mood.

Olivia tries to swallow the annoyance already bubbling inside her – he knows how much she hates to be ignored, no matter how mad he might be – by trying to think of what she can say that won't piss him off. This is always a hard feat to accomplish when Ashton gets in these moods, but there’s a reason for them to work so well together.

“I missed my favorite body heater when I woke up,” she says in her best sweet voice, knowing how quickly his resolve crumbles when he hears that voice.

Still, no reaction.

That settles a worry at the pit of her stomach, because Ashton is never like this. Even when he's not in the mood to talk, he always gives some kind of reaction to her words; it doesn't matter how small, just enough to make her feel acknowledged.

When he's finished washing his mug and the few scattered dishes across the sink – she noticed that he already had lunch, if the lone plate in the drying rack is anything to go by –, he dries his hand in a towel, turns around and throws it on top of the same counter Olivia was leaning up against. Once again, he walks away not even sparing her a look.

Indignant, she leaves the now empty coffee mug on top of the table and follows him as he walks up the stairs, any determination to not aggravate his mood now well gone.

“Hey! In case you didn't notice, I'm right here. Whatever got you in this sour mood, I'm certainly not to blame, so can you stop being a child now and talk to me?!”

Ashton just keeps walking – more like sluggishly dragging his body – until he reaches their bedroom and suddenly stops just merely two feet inside the room, looking around with vacant eyes; like he was expecting to see something that wasn't there.

“Okay, that's really mature of you. Are you planning on ignoring me all day then?” Olivia questions exasperated, staring angrily at the back of his neck, where the condor tattoo lives – her favorite of his, but that sight doesn't bring her any peace today like it usually does.

Her glare only breaks when she hears the familiar sound of dog tags swaying on her right side. Shifting her gaze to the direction of the sound, Olivia notices Stitch, their small, black & white French bulldog – who she thought was outside in the garden – slowly trudging his way from around the bed until he stops at Ashton's feet, looking up at one of his humans with sad eyes. That realization only makes the worry in her stomach grow uncomfortably.

“Hi buddy,” Ashton's voice cracks a bit from the lack of use, but he smiles softly at the sweet dog, and crouches down to pet him.

Olivia can't help but gasp as she notices three things all at once that leave her overwhelmed: first, how she didn't even notice Stitch was in the room when she woke up – which never ever happens, in fact, most days he wakes her up whenever he deems her bedtime as finished and can't ever contain his excitement when she finally gets up; second, how the windows blinds are closed, which, again, rarely occurs under their roof, not if Ashton can help it. And third, how sad and melancholic the whole scene in front of her is – how sad and melancholic Ashton is. Pointless to say by now – that's also a very rare occasion.

A chill creeps up Olivia's spine, putting her body into high alert and also serving as a reminder of how everything looks out of place today. Trying to keep her head from spiraling down way too soon, she wraps her arms around herself and crouches down beside her two favorite boys, trying once more.

“Ash? Can you hear me?” even with her throat closing, she softly asks, purposefully putting her face in Ashton's point of view. Her only answer is the low whispers he's letting out to Stitch, while cradling the tiny dog in his arms, spreading gentle kisses on his head.

“I know, bud, I know. I miss her too,” is the only whisper she could understand and immediately wishes she hadn't. The weak wail that comes from Stitch's throat seems to fit perfectly with how the three of them feel.

Ashton then looks up and for a couple of seconds, and Olivia can swear he’s staring right into her eyes. But when he shows no reaction, she knows he’s just staring ahead and not at her, with that look that says there’s too much going on inside his head. She feels the urge to embrace him and get him to talk about whatever is on his mind, so they can share that weight like they always do, but when Ashton gets up from the ground and settles on the bed with Stitch, Olivia can physically feel the crack in her heart caused by the feeling she’s left with.

While Ashton is pulling the duvet over him and the dog, with clearly no intentions of getting up anytime soon, Olivia stands up on her feet with a new-found determination – she needs to figure out what the hell is going on.

This nightmare had to be just that, right? Nothing but a very vivid dream – she's had those before. Scary sure, but they always go away, and soon enough she's back into Ashton's arms, with Stitch jumping on the bed ready to lick their faces off. She just needs to wake herself up from whatever fucked up dream this is – right?

She's running down the stairs this time, frantically in search of something, of what exactly, she doesn’t know – but she knows she needs an answer. The more she looks for something, the more desperate she gets, not knowing what to look for. Then suddenly, something catches her eyes.

The white and blue calendar that's held up by magnets on the side of the fridge. She knows their calendar is red and yellow. They got it from their favorite flower market. Slowly, as if scared of what it might be there – “It's just a calendar, for fucks sake” – she approaches the damn thing. Upon inspection, she deems it as a normal calendar – she really doesn't know what she was expecting – until.

She knows what's wrong with it now.

It's November. She knows it, because the Asian and last leg of her first world tour is about to begin November 21st, eleven days from today. Right after Mike's birthday, she knows this.

Then why does the calendar say today is January 14th?

☆ ☆ ☆

Ashton woke up with a jolt. He quickly sat up, frightening the little Frenchie that was asleep right next to him on the bed. Trying to make sense of his surroundings, he roughly rubbed his face to get some sleep off of it and soon reached for the dog that was staring at him with sleepy but sad eyes. Ashton is sure Stitch understands far more than a dog is supposed to understand about their current situation.

The room is covered in shadows, almost pitch black, but he can see the sunlight even through the thick dark grey blinds covering up the windows. Ashton knows he won't be able to sleep again at that moment, so he gets up from the bed – much slower than he used to. His heartbeat is still out of control because of the nightmare that woke him up, but he can't bother to pay attention to it when Stitch is softly wailing beside him. Ashton lets out a ghost of a smile when the dog rests his head on his right upper thigh, looking up at him with an expression Ashton knows all too well.

“C'mon you little ravenous creature, let's feed you,” the bulldog excitedly jumps to the ground, already running his way down the stairs, not even waiting for Ashton to get up.

That gets a real smile out of him, but it vanishes as soon as he glances at the alarm clock on his bedside table. It reads 5:13 am, nothing out of the ordinary for him. But that small and inoffensive clock, with its red paint peeling off, holds a lot of memories for him. Memories that two months ago would bring joy to his heart, but now he almost wants to throw the object across the room.

It was a stupid thing, really. He had been wanting a vintage alarm clock and Olivia got one for his birthday. But the product they received was definitely not the one she bought, and if he's being honest, he didn't like it as much as he made out to. But seeing her so excited in the weeks before it arrived, and how disappointed she was when it did, he couldn't help but try his best to make her smile that luminous smile again. It's part of his nature by now.

That's also the reason why he lets her think that he doesn't notice when she wakes up at some ungodly hour (her words, not his) along with him, because of the annoying and only sound the alarm clock is able to produce. He always leaves soft kisses in every inch of bare skin he can find on her sleeping figure, so she goes back to the dream land and doesn't wake up before 10 am. No one wants to deal with that kind of bad humor, not even him.

As much as he likes being a morning person and absolutely enjoys her company in the mornings, he knows she'll take any and every extra hour of sleep she can get before starting the day. And that's why he loves that she's so stubborn that his early bird tendencies never got to her – he knows she feared that this would happen when they moved in together, but he met her like this, fell for her like this. He wouldn't change a single thing about her.

Ashton drags himself out of the bed, wincing slightly at how cold the wooden floors are under his bare feet. He doesn't bother putting some socks on, or a sweater – the cold weather in the house is uncharacteristically comforting to him. Nothing feels warm without her anyway.

While descending the stairs, he mentally curses himself for not being strong enough to look past the picture frames on the wall. One in particular catches his eyes – a picture from the night of Olivia's first concert with her band. The memories of that night are still painfully vivid in his mind: the laughter among their group that eventually infected everyone at the pub, Suki and Luke's first kiss and the silly smile that didn't leave his best friend's face all night, the standing ovation Olivia got after her three-songs set, and her captivating and breathtaking smile that made him realize right then and there, while watching her sway to the music, that he was definitely falling in love with her and there was nothing he could do to stop it – not that he wanted to.

So many memories held up on that wall, in the relatively short time since they met, that he can't help but wonder if that's all they'll get in this lifetime.

Ashton is abruptly taken out of his thoughts by Stitch's barks coming from the bottom of the stairs. He quickly jogs down the few steps left and goes straight after the dog's food in the kitchen's cabinet. After Stitch starts to happily devour his breakfast, Ashton goes to make his coffee, doing enough for two people like he always does, since Calum drops by most days for a chat or to drop Duke before going to work. Although all three of them know he just can't bother to make food for himself in the morning, while Ashton is the group's elected chef. Ashton always says he just needs a boyfriend – Olivia says Calum already has one who makes him breakfast every day.

He grabs an apple from the fridge and makes his way outside to their garden. Even though a lot of their memories took place there, the garden is the only space in the house where he doesn't feel like suffocating all the time. At least here, he can breathe some fresh air and look at the sky when he's feeling overwhelmed – which is basically all he's been doing for about a month now.

Yet, a lot of the garden has Olivia's name written all over.

He remembers vividly the day she came home after spending two weeks in LA doing some pocket shows, with a pack of daffodil seeds and the largest smile. She excitedly told him that a friend gifted it to her when she mentioned the little garden they were planning to build together at their new house. The friend told Olivia that daffodils symbolize rebirth and new beginnings, so as the good lover of symbolism that she is, Olivia loved the idea of having those flowers to symbolize their new beginning.

Ashton, on the other hand, wasn't a fan of the flowers at first – he just didn't see the appeal to them. But nonetheless, he indulged her, letting Olivia plant the seeds near the bench they used to sit during the quiet and unrushed afternoons, so they could admire the sunset, and she could happily look at the daffodils.

Pointless to say – the damn flowers grew on him.

Now, however, looking at them without Olivia and her contagious joy next to him, they were back to be as dull as they were before, if not more so.

Still lost inside his head without any sense of how much time went by since he sat down, Ashton doesn't hear the front door closing, and doesn't notice that he's no longer the only person inside the house until someone sits next to him on the bench. Yet, he doesn't show any sign of acknowledgement to them.

A few minutes go by before either of them speaks up.

“Luke said you didn't go to see her yesterday,” Calum starts softly, not wanting to disturb the calmness of the morning.

Ashton takes a few seconds to respond, “No point in doing that.” The black haired man licks his lips while thinking carefully about his next words.

“You know staying inside this house all day by yourself won't help either,” Calum turns his head to his left and takes a good look at Ashton's uncharacteristically hunched over figure, and immediately thinks that anyone can tell this man is not himself anymore. His second thought is that Olivia would hate seeing him like this.

“And what exactly do you expect me to do? Move on with my life like nothing happened? Like I'm not slowly and painfully losing the love of my life? Just because it’s easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for me.”

Calum closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He knows Ashton doesn't mean it, it's the anger and frustration talking. He knows it. Doesn't make it sting any less.

“I'm not telling you to move on with your life, because that's far from what I'm doing, and I certainly don't expect you to do it. I'm just saying you need to occupy your mind or else–”

“I'll go insane? Think it's a bit too late for that,” Ashton interrupts with a bitter tone that doesn't belong to his usual chirpy voice.

“You know it's not,” Calum sighs and drinks the rest of his coffee, moving his body slightly, so he's facing the blonde man, “I got a job interview for you at that school you talked about so much last summer, the principal said you can go any day this week. I went ahead and sent her your resume as well as explained everything that she needs to know about Olivia, so you don't have to. You just gotta put on some decent clothes and show up.” he sees Ashton's face softening a little and takes it as a victory. A few beats go by and then, “Maybe take a shower too. That's gonna make you feel better.” Calum leans in closer to his friend's personal space and takes a sniff, causing Ashton to deflect from him slightly, but not to push him away – another small win.

“Definitely take a shower, you stink. When was the last time your hair saw shampoo?”

“Fuck off,” is Ashton's only reply to the younger man's inquest. But Calum can see a smile creeping up on the blonde's face, which brings out a smile of his own.

“I'll send you all the details later today,” he checks the hour on the watch on his wrist and gets up, “Just please, Ash, go. I can't lose you too.”

Calum gently lays a hand on Ashton's shoulder and squeezes a little. The man doesn't look up, but gives a curt nod to his friend, who's satisfied enough. Calum stops on the threshold of the garden glass doors to give some kisses to Stitch – who came to make Ashton company as soon as he finished his food –, and then he puts the coffee mug on the dishwater. And soon enough, he's on his way out of the door. But not before snatching a tangerine from the fridge.

Ashton is left by himself once again. As he hears the sound of the front door closing, he thinks that this might be his life from now on. Just him and Stitch, trying their hardest to make it through another miserable day without the love of their lives. While everyone else comes by just to make sure he's still breathing. Breathing, maybe, but alive?

Swallowing the tears, he looks up at the sky. It's a deep, beautiful mix of orange, pink and blue, but he knows that it won't last long and soon the rain will be pouring down. He thinks about how much Olivia loves the rain.

God, he needs to pull himself together. She would hate to see him like this. Maybe he should take Calum's offer after all, he really needs to occupy his mind.

Making a mental note to thank Calum later, and also to apologize for how rude he was to him this morning, Ashton slowly gets up from the bench to put his mug on the sink and makes his way to the living room, with the small dog loyally following his every step. He puts on some cartoon that for once doesn't remind him of her (she always lovingly made fun of him for still watching those) and cuddles with Stitch on the couch. He can take a shower later.

Not half an hour goes by, he falls asleep and has a good dream for a change. He dreams of the days he spent with Olivia in the Philippines last February, right before her first world tour started. Some of the most magical days of their lives – surrounded by delicious food, a whole new culture to learn about and the warmth of the sun. Infinite counted days full of love and passion, where they were the only people in the world.

Even his subconscious knows to hold on to that brief moment of happiness, because he might never live that again.

[heyheyhaleyd]

Burgers and Arm Wrestling

It's Calum's day off and y'all decide to have a lazy day with memories from y'all's past. (This is my first ever smut. Please be nice.)

TW: Smut, F receiving oral, Fingering, Daddy kink, Slight soft Dom! Cal

1.2k words

It was a Thursday afternoon in sunny Los Angeles. You and Calum haven't had a day alone in a while. Y'all have been together for going on 3 years and sparks still magically fly. You still blush when he compliments you and you still get butterflies when he smiles at you.

The first time you met Calum was when you were just moving to LA and was walking to your car with a bag of "Five Guys'' in your hand. You were strutting down one of the busiest streets, when BAM he bumped into you. Thankfully it was in a plastic bag, so your food was barely hurt. However you did fall, but the squishy cheek guy lend you a helping hand. Y'all ended up exchanging numbers and the rest was history.

You wanted him to just spend time with today and chillax. He was sprayed out taking a nap on the couch, snuggling with Duke. You told him you were gonna head out to pick up something. He asked to go with, but you turned him down and told him to go back to sleep. You knew he worked so hard and he just needed to have a lazy day.

30 minutes later and Calum was already wide awake by the time you rang the doorbell. He opened the door and helped with the bags. "Ah Five Guys like when we met." Calum said with a smile on his face. "That was my plan and I just wanted us to have a lazy day today and eat fast food." You said putting the food down on the table.

When putting everything on the table, the napkins fell on the floor. You bent down to get them, you were wearing tight tights and out of nowhere you felt a hand on your bottom, followed by a squeeze. You just knew he was grinning from ear to ear. "Hey stop teasing or you won't get any dessert" you said while pulling out cookies out of the bag. "Maybe I want a different dessert" Calum winked.

The 2 of you sat down at the table eating the greasy food. The food was great, but you felt a little bloated at the end. Not for long though.

You wanted to end the day with a movie and maybe a little more later. "How about we watch "Love, Rosie" huh? You questioned. "I was thinking about watching "Trainspotting" Calum replied. "Not again, you even have a movie quote tattoo from the movie." You sighed.

"What if we arm wrestle for who can pick the movie?" Calum asked. "What? No way, you're too strong" you say as you rub his bicep. "I don't see you coming up with any ideas." "Fine Hood."

Y'all are still at the table and you're about to arm wrestle. You knew you were gonna lose, but you did it anyway. Before the event began, he shuffled his playlist. "Dumb Slut" by Juice WRLD was the first song. You both giggled before putting y'all's hands together. The table was small, so both of you were really close.

You were expecting to for your hand to immediately go down, but instead he pulled you in and smacked his lips to yours. The kiss was very rough and very needy. The kiss ended up turning into a makeout, while both of you got up from the chairs and headed to the bedroom.

Calum wanted to take his time with you. He strips off your t-shirt and then he unhooked your black lace bra. His hands feel so cold on your burning skin. "I'm gonna take off my clothes, when I'm done. You better be on the bed with nothing on." "Yes Daddy" You smiled and pulled off your leggings and panties.

You rushed to the bed and waited for Calum impatiently. You were so turned on at this point. Calum was back with his shirt off, but still had his pants on.

He leans in and says "Tonight is gonna be all about you princess." while he puts his thumb and swipes your cheek making you blush. "No Calum it's your day off and.." "What did you just call me?" Calum interrupted. Your face went pale and you blurted "Nothing Daddy." He starts to rub your left nipple when his mouth makes contact with your right nipple. You already felt like the only girl in the world. He's teasing by gently biting your nipple and the skin around it. His left hand goes to your folds and you are dripping.

He starts to kiss the valley of your breast. He ends up between your legs. He licks a long stripe between your folds and you felt like you were gonna explode.

He sucks your clit like it's his one job. Two of Calum's fingers impales your hole. You were a moaning mess. You grabbed Calum's fluffy curls for support. He starts scissoring your hole and you already start feeling a knot forming in your stomach.

"May.. umm I please cum Daddy?" You asked slurring your words. "Go ahead babygirl" he said in the middle of eating you out. You released on his face and he devoured every last drop. His face was glistening when for up from his previous position. You could tell he was hard just by the outline of his jeans. He unbuckled himself and removed his boxers. Your mouth was watering at his size. He put a condom on and then guided his member into your hole. It was a little stretch.

He pounded into your tight little hole and you couldn't be quiet. You tried to cover your mouth with your hands, but Calum grabbed your wrist and said "I want to hear your pretty moans princess. You sound like an angel when I ram into you." He praises. "You're so beautiful Y/N. I wish we could be stuck like this forever. Would you like that babygirl?" Calum questioned while running your clit hard. You nodded your head viciously. "Words Princess."

"Yes, Daddy I would love to have your cock in me all day." "Maybe we'll try cock warming next time pretty girl." Calum said and went down to kiss your neck, leaving small hickies everywhere. You knew that you were gonna have to wear a lot of makeup for the next few days.

That knot came back, stronger than ever. "Daddy" you scream. "May… I please cum" You stuttered. "Yes babygirl". You came hard. Calum came just seconds after you. It took a second for y'all to catch your breathes. He untangled from your body, leaving you feeling empty. He tied the condom up and threw it away.

"Thank you so much for that." You said with dazed eyes, feeling on top of the world. "Actually I should be thanking you Y/N. I'm glad we just got to spend some time together." He kissed the top of your head and made a bath for you.

Your legs felt a little jiggly standing up, but he helped you to the tub.

After the bath together and fresh clean sheets out in the bed, y'all fell on the silk sheets and cuddled into you until your eyes went heavy. He was the big spoon with his strong arm wrapped around you. You never felt more safe. You have never been more happy that your food fell all those years ago.

[triptuckers]

Mornings with you - Calum Hood

Request: no Pairing:  Calum Hood x reader Summary:  You’re tired of having to hide your love for Calum whenever there’s a camera around. Warnings: none Word count:  1.4K A/N: did I make a playlist with 5sos songs that include my favourite solos by calum? yes I did and I do not regret it. enjoy reading! :)

Waking up next to Calum is the best feeling in the world. It beats coming home after months of touring, it beats being on stage, it beats everything. Waking up next to him makes you feel safe, and you forget about your chaotic life for an hour or two. 

With both you and Calum having a busy life that involves touring, music promo, and writing songs, it could be hard to find relaxation. Even if you were both home, and not hopping from city to city, the superstar life didn’t end. 

Which is why you never take waking up next to him for granted. You’ve come a long way, and you’re so glad you and Calum found each other. You truly didn’t know what you’d do without him. 

You’re currently laying in the king sized bed of the Calum’s place. It’s a nice house in a quiet neighbourhood in LA. It’s not too big, and cozy but not too small. It’s exactly right. And his bandmates are just a few minutes away. 

Calum is not next to you. He woke up an hour ago, pressed kisses to your cheek and mumbled he’d take Duke on a walk, and that he’d be back to cuddle up next to you. After all, it’s Sunday. And Sunday is your cheat day. You can stay in bed for just a little longer than usual. 

You’re drifting off to sleep every now and then, waking up due to not being fully asleep. You’re merely waiting for Calum to come home. After months of being together, morning cuddles are still your favourite activity. 

When you live on a screen, everyone’s always up in your business. It’s one of the reasons you prefer to put your phone away and always try to live in the moment. It’s also the reason why you and Calum decided to keep your relationship a secret for as long as you could. 

You didn’t need all the drama people would start. You didn’t need all the celebrity news platforms writing countless of articles about you while they didn’t even know you, or Calum. And you certainly didn’t need everyone to know everything about your private life. 

So far, you’ve managed to keep your love for Calum away from the flashing camera’s and screaming fans, and it’s nice. It’s nice to be able to just be yourself within the walls of Calum’s place, your place, or one of your friends’ houses. 

Of course, your friends and family knew about you and Calum. You wanted to keep it all a secret from the media, but not from the people that mean the most to you. The privacy you have feels good, and it makes you feel like you’ve got things under control. You decide what the world gets to know and what not. 

It can also be suffocating. Every time you go outside, you’ve got to make sure no one can trace you back to Calum, and vice versa. Every single time you go out for grocery shopping or to have lunch with a friend, you’ve got to check all the details. Not wearing any piece of clothing that’s Calum’s, no pda when the two of you are outside together, and many more. 

The sound of a door opening in the distance followed by the sound of Duke’s paws on the floor indicates Calum’s back from his walk. And indeed, a few moments later Calum enters the bedroom and smiles when he sees you. He takes off his shoes and because he didn’t change out of his sweatpants and shirt he slept in, he immediately crawls into the bed next to you.

You shiver a bit when his cold hands wrap around your waist to pull your body against his. Calum nuzzles his face in your neck and presses kisses against the soft skin. The two of you lay in silence for a while, enjoying each other’s company. 

‘I love waking up next to you.’ you say softly, your voice barely audible. You feel Calum’s lips against your skin as he smiles at your words. ‘It’s a good thing I love it as well.’ he says, kissing your neck again. 

You move so you can wrap your arms around Calum. You’re mindlessly scratching the back of his neck while thinking about your relationship. Ever since finding Calum, your mental health has improved a lot, and you’re happier than you’ve ever been. The only downside to it is the secrecy, and not being able to do all the little things. Holding his hand while walking the street, going on tour with him as his girlfriend and not just the support act. 

‘Cal?’ you say and he hums in response. ‘Do you think we should go public?’ Calum removes his face from your neck, leans his elbow on the pillow and his head on the palm of his hand so he can look at you.

‘What makes you say that?’ he asks you.  ‘Well, to be honest I’m getting a bit tired of all the secrecy and sneaking around. I know why we chose to keep it private, but we can still keep a lot of our relationship to ourselves should we go public. They don’t have to know everything. I would just like to be able to join you when you go for a walk with Duke and hold your hand. I don’t want to stop myself when I go out so I can check if I’m wearing one of your shirts.’ you tell him. 

Calum nods as he’s listening to you. ‘I get it.’ he says. ‘I know the feeling. We both know what could happen if we go public. All the made up stories, drama, and all that stuff. But it’s been months and I’m getting a bit tired of it as well.’ he says. 

‘It’s just.’ you start but you stop as you’re trying to find the right words. You reach out and cup Calum’s cheek with one of your hands. ‘I love you, Calum, with my entire heart. And I love being with you, it makes me feel safe and I feel at home whenever I’m with you.’ you start to ramble but Calum doesn’t stop you, so you carry on. 

‘Mornings with you are my favourite. I love being backstage when I’m on tour with you and the guys, and it’s just them and their girlfriends and we don’t have to worry about any camera’s or people that might tell the media about us. We can just be ourselves without limitations. And I love you so much and I just want to spend the rest of my life with you and I can’t do that when we can’t let the world know we love each other.’ you say. 

When you look at Calum again, he’s got the softest look ever on his face. He’s smiling like an idiot and reaches out to pull you closer. He’s not saying anything, though.

‘What?’ you say, already starting to panic a bit. ‘Something I said? What did I do?’ Calum puts his hand on the back of your neck and pulls you in for a kiss. When he pulls away, he’s still smiling like an idiot.  ‘You said you want to spend the rest of your life with me.’ he says. 

‘Oh.’ you say. ‘Well, it’s true. I love you. I don’t want to be with anyone else ever again.’ 

‘Then let’s do it.’ says Calum. ‘Let’s go public. We don’t have to make a whole big thing out of it. We just don’t take all of those precautions. You can go out wearing my shirt, we can walk hand in hand. And if someone addresses it, we can confirm it, but we don’t have to go into detail. We’ll just tell them we’ve been together for months, and that we’d like to keep our relationship as private as possible.’

This time, you lean in to kiss him. ‘That sounds good.’ you say when you pull away. Calum smiles and pulls your body against his again. You sigh approvingly as you curl up to his side. 

You couldn’t wait for you and Calum to finally be yourselves outside the comfort of the privacy of your homes. People would finally know how much you love him. You could wake up next to him for many more mornings.

A/N: If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!! Thank you for reading! Much love, Jo

[hoodharlow]

Let’s Get Physical

AN: So la pinche Ana aka @rebelwith0utacause thought it was okay to repost this picture(see below) of Calum working out. So blame her for this lol. Thank you to @d-oaks​ for beta reading <3

Requested?: No.

Warnings: smut

Word Count: 1.7k words

Calum found Claudia fast asleep on his bed in his room,naked on her stomach. After last night’s activities she didn’t even bother to put on her panties. Her body was spread out like a starfish, and the bed sheet was doing the bare minimum, covering only her ass. He rolled his eyes remembering she had promised to wake up early to work out with him. He pulled off the bed sheet and gently smacked her ass. 

“Get up.” He told her. 

She turned on her back and stretched, whining. 

“No.” Claudia mumbled. She raised her head and gave him a devilish smile. “Why don’t you give me a work out?” She sat back against the pillows with her legs open for Calum to do whatever he pleased with her. 

He returned the smirk. Removing his t-shirt, he hovered above her. His hand wandered down to her aching core. His fingers delicately traced her entrance. She thrusted her hips to get more of his fingers, but Calum kept her in place. He bent down and kissed her jaw. 

Claudia sighed as she leaned back on the pillows. Her hand tangled in his hair, pulling him to her mouth. She lost all train of thought, only focused on his fingers deftly teasing her as they kissed. She pulled away, moaning once his fingers finally slid inside her. 

Calum gave her a quick kiss before he kissed his way down, kissing every crevice, tattoo, and love bite from the night before. He kissed her ‘wildflower’ tattoo before spreading open her legs. He licked his lips and wasted no time. He hummed as his mouth kissed and licked her. 

She squirmed at the feeling of his lips, and out an inaudible gasp of pleasure when Calum’s tongue played with her clit. She tried closing her legs, but Calum's grip on them tightened.Claudia felt something build up in her. She squeezed her eyes, pleasantly overwhelmed with Calum's fingers and tongue. 

Calum felt it too. He sped up his fingers and circled his thumb on her clit roughly. She was so close. His name was at the tip of her tongue when she felt nothing. 

She opened her eyes. Calum was slipping on his shirt as if he wasn’t going to make her come. 

“Get dressed.” He said. There was something about his tone of voice that made Claudia unsure if she should get on her knees or actually get dressed. She chose the latter.

Five minutes later she met Calum at their kitchen. He was scrolling through his phone. Knowing him, he was probably making a playlist since he always complained about the one his trainer played. Claudia bent over the freezer,  taking her time to rummage through the frozen fruits for her smoothie.

“Don’t think because you’re in those ungodly shorts, you’re getting out of working out.” Calum said. 

Claudia looked over her shoulder and stuck her tongue out at him. She grabbed some frozen nopales, mango and pineapple to place on the counter before getting orange juice and spinach. After blending everything, she cleaned the counter. 

She smacked Calum's hand away when he reached for her smoothie. “This is mine, make your own.” She said cradling her drink.

“Just a sip.” He pleaded.

“Just a sip.” she repeated. She knew him. A sip for him was at least half of her drink which is why she hated sharing with him. 

She slid her cup to him. He reached for it and took a generous sip, leaving her half. She stood there with her mouth open in shock, as if she didn’t he was going to drink half of her smoothie.

“Thanks, love.” He said, kissing her temple when he set the glass next to her. He got up and went to the garage to get the work out equipment while Claudia grabbed a spoon and ate her smoothie like an ice cream sundae. 

Duke came into the kitchen dragging a jump rope with Calum trailing behind him. He picked up the pace when he felt Calum at his tail. 

“Fucks sake, Duke, bring that back.” Calum told him. 

She heard an excited yip from Duke when Calum reached him. Calum held Duke on one arm and the jump rope with the other. He motioned Claudia to follow him out to the back. She huffed and crossed her arms, following him out of the house.

Calum has been putting Duke in his playpen because he still tried to bite Calum’s trainer. If Calum left him inside, all Duke would do is bark and scratch at the door to be let out. 

He glanced at Claudia. She was on the grass stretching. It took everything in him not to cancel with his trainer in favor of taking Claudia upstairs to continue where he left off. He knew she was getting him back by wearing the shortest shorts she owned and only wearing a sports bra. Part of him was grateful she wasn’t wearing leggings. She tended to not wear anything under them when she worked out. 

His eyes were glued on her as she stood up and bent backwards. She tossed her legs in the air so she was doing a handstand. Their eyes met. Claudia smiled, flipping him off. All while holding her body up with one hand. 

Calum reached over and gently nudged her, making her lose her balance.

“No one likes a show off.” He said.

“You’re just jealous because Ash has a better yoga partner now.” She said. 

“Don’t bring Ash into this.”

***

“Alright, Claudia give me one more set of fifteen.” Calum’s trainer told her. 

Claudia groaned and laid back down. She put the soles of her feet together, and bent her knees out like a butterfly. Then she sat back up like a regular sit up. She continued to do the fourteen reps before rolling onto her stomach and watching Calum. He was jumping over Duke’s kennel while Duke ran back and forth to meet him. 

‘Hasta tiene a Duke haciendo ejercicio.’ Claudia thought to herself. 

Calum was dying. His arms ached from the tire flips he did when he started his workout. Now he was doing high jumps. He felt the back of his thighs tighten with every jump. He should’ve cancelled his appointment when he had the chance.

After his set, he laid next to Claudia, resting his head on her stomach.

“Guáucala!” She grimaced. “You’re sweating through your hat.” She pushed him off her. 

“Alright, to finish off your workout we’re going to do some cardio.” Calum’s trainer said. 

Calum and Claudia sat up.

“We’re?  He’s like my old PE teachers where they make us all do the work while they watched us in their all white Adidas sweatsuits.” Claudia mumbled to Calum, making him laugh.

Calum felt Claudia lean into his shoulder as they listened to the trainer explain their final exercise. He watched her hand toy with a stray string at the end of his white compression shorts. He shot her a warning look when her hand went higher up his thigh. She smiled sweetly before squeezing him.

“Do I need to separate you two?” His trainer asked them, startling them both.

***. 

Twenty minutes later Claudia and Calum finished their workout. Calum showed his trainer out and booked his next session. 

Claudia went straight to the bathroom and showered. She felt Calum gently squeeze her hips when he joined her in the shower. He wet himself before reaching for Claudia’s shampoo. He poured some on his hand and lathered Claudia’s hair. He tried to be as gentle as she was when she washed his hair. Minutes later he reached for the showerhead and used it to remove all the soap and body wash off of them. Calum reached for  the towels just outside of the shower door.

“I got you.” Claudia said softly, taking the towel from his hand. 

She ran the towel over his body. She got down on her knees and paid special attention to his legs. Calum quietly whined while she ran the towel over his cock, patting him dry. He gripped the shower’s handle when she patted him again. 

“May I?” She looked up at him, inching to have him in her mouth.

“Please.” He panted.

She leaned forward and kissed down his stomach while one of her hands slowly stroked him. She looked up at him and grinned, he was nearly ruined. As much as she loved Calum always being in charge of her, she enjoyed having the upperhand… literally. 

She finally slipped him in her mouth. He let out an incoherent sound until she reached the back of her throat. She did it a few more times, egging him on.

“Love your mouth, pretty girl,” he groaned. 

One of his hands gripped her hair, keeping her in place as he thrusted into her mouth. Claudia let out soft moans. One of her hands was already playing with herself. Her other hand gripped one of his legs, nails digging into his ass, keeping her up. Minutes later he spilled in her mouth. She had pushed his hands off of her as she continued to take him as he came, taking all of him. When they were done, Calum helped her up. He ran his thumb over her lower lip. She opened her mouth showing him her empty mouth. 

“I love you.” He said shyly.

“Only because I sucked your dick.” She giggled. 

“I mean it.”

“If you did, you wouldn’t have made me work out early in the morning.”

“You promised me you were going to work out with me.”

“That doesn’t sound like me.”  

“Claudia.”

“Calum.”

He rolled his eyes and walked out of the bathroom. She did her skincare routine then she went to get dressed in a silk romper. She went straight to the kitchen and grabbed a pint of strawberry cheesecake ice cream. She sat on the couch and played ‘Birds of Prey.’ Megan and Normani’s song for the movie was stuck in her head while she worked out. 

“Okay so breakfast will be here in about forty-five, so that gives me enough time to make you—Are you eating ice cream?” Calum asked her.

“I gave my blood, sweat and tears to that workout. I deserve this.” She said before taking another spoonful. 

“You got your finger pricked by a rosebush. You stopped bleeding five minutes after you fake cried.” He deadpanned. 

Taglist: @another-lonely-heart​ @sunshinebabycal​   @calumscalm ​@karajaynetoday​​ @cherryxwildflower​​ @myloverboyash​​  @idontneedanyone​​ @findingliam-o​​ @5-secondsofcolor​​ @spicycal​​ @sexgodashton​​ @sunshinebabycal​​ @another-lonely-heart

[calmlftv]

my brain is screaming at me but bff!cal with these prompts omg - A hello/good-bye kiss that is given without thinking - where neither person thinks twice about it. & Morning kisses that are exchanged before either person opens their eyes, kissing blindly until their lips meet in a blissful encounter. & A fierce kiss that ends with a bite on the lip, soothing it with a lick.

omg i love these 🥺 thank you angel!!! 

celebrate 1k with me! ships and requests are open!

****

“Ready to go?” 

Cal’s voice tugged you from your thoughts, your best friend smiling at you as you met his eyes. You smiled back and nodded, picking up your suitcase and heading outside. 

You both loaded your things into the backseat of his car before you settled into the passenger seat, Cal going back inside to retrieve Duke before joining you in the drivers seat. 

“Got the music ready?” He asked, you answering with a nod. “Alright, then let’s get goin’. Don’t wanna be late for check-in.” 

You smiled again and connected your phone, your joint playlist beginning to play over the speakers as you settled back against the seat, Duke already sitting on your lap. 

Cal and you had been planning this trip with your friends for what felt like months, the quiet getaway that you all needed to destress from all the things life had been throwing at them. It was the perfect time too, with your job getting busier and busier around the holidays, you were more than overdue for some relaxing time with all your friends. 

The drive to Napa Valley was a long one, the world still dark when you decided to leave from Calum’s house.  Thankfully, Calum’s driving and the GPS mixed together got you to the resort right on time, Calum rushing himself inside to meet the check-in time for the cabins you had reserved. 

Since the other boys had a couple things to finish up, it was just you and Cal for a day or two, the two of you driving out to your shared cabin as you made jokes about having to stay together. Sure, you and Cal had stayed at each other’s homes before, but your nerves still danced around in your belly as he pulled up to your cabin, Duke launching himself from your lap on to the ground the second the door opened. 

You laughed and stepped out, Cal already grabbing both of your things and heading to the door. Once unlocked you stepped inside, the warmth of the cabin pulling a sigh out of you. 

Calum chuckled at you, earning a look. “Wow, sitting in a car with me for 6 hours is really that bad huh?” He teased, making you laugh. 

“Absolutely,” you said. “Worst 6 hours of my life!” 

He grinned and laughed, the two of you moving through the cabin and getting settled in. You had been aware of the single bed and had been okay with it, but now that you were actually there, you were nervous to share a bed with your best friend. 

The next couple of days passed quietly, the two of you having fun and hanging out while you waited for the others. You noticed a sort of tension building between the two of you after the first night together, but you opted to ignore it, unsure if it was just wishful thinking or a real thing. 

Until the third night. 

Everyone had just left your cabin, Calum cleaning up as you finished off a drink. His cheeks were a rosy pink from laughter and the drinks, the look a bit funny to your tipsy mind as you stood up. 

“Done with that?” He asked as you walked up to him, a giggle being his answer as he chuckled. “Give me that before you drop it.” 

His hand closed around yours and you paused, looking at Cal’s face as his eyes met yours. Suddenly you were closer together, Cal’s face leaning to yours until your lips pressed together in a fierce kiss, your fingers tangling themselves in his wild curls as his arms slid around your waist. You melted against him, only pulling away when his teeth harshly tugged on your lip. 

You were breathless as he chuckled, his tongue brushed over your lip. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Couldn’t resist anymore.” 

You giggled. “Don’t be,” you answered. “I’ve been waiting for you to do that.” 

He grinned, the two of you sharing one more kiss before he released you to finish picking up. 

The following morning you were awoken by more kisses, these ones messy and blind as he fumbled to find your lips. You spent your morning like that together, sloppy kisses and shared giggles as you finally got to talk about your feelings for each other. You felt relieved as you both got up to get ready, stealing kisses again and again as you waited for everyone else to show up. 

On the final full day there the boys were going on an adventure together, leaving you and the others behind to watch a movie and have a quiet spa day after a week of fun. While the boys walked out Cal came back to you, saying a goodbye and stealing a quick goodbye kiss, neither of you thinking much about it as you watched him go. 

When you turned around the others were staring at you, jaws dropped open. You blushed, knowing you had some explaining to do as they all immediately started asking questions. You laughed and shook your head, settling in on the couch and answering all their questions. 

When the week was over and you and Cal had packed up, you took a photo of the two of you, Cal pressing a sweet kiss to your cheek while you beamed at the camera. You’d end up keeping that one forever, it being one of many like it at the very same cabin where you shared your first kiss. 

[makeupbychio]

ily // C.H

pairing: Calum x Reader.

words: 2,3k.

warnings: fluff, a little bit of smut, swearing, spoilers about tv shows (Brooklyn 99 and Glee). English is not my first language. 

a/n: I tried to do this genderless so I would love some feedback. Hope you like it, love y'all.

inspired by: a couple of shows that I watched during this quarantine.

It's a lovely and cozy night with Calum, whom cooked your favorite food and watching him during the process so dedicated to make it perfect like five stars restaurants made you looking at him with heart eyes the whole night. The tomato sauce was perfect and the pasta even more. You saw how he followed every single step of the recipe and refused you to help him. 

After finishing dinner, you were enjoying red wine -the bottle is almost empty- and talking to him about everything and anything. He set the dining room with vanilla candles to make it more romantic. The warm lights lightly illuminating your faces was so charming. 

Deeply inside you know that today it's been 4 months since you started dating, but Calum never brings topics like that or buys something every month and that's totally fine because you neither talk about it. He just surprises you with lovely details like this one in random days, not just when you have to celebrate something. 

When he feels like it he does it. Sometimes he caught you off guard like that time he poured like two hundred sunflowers in your house just because, or when he bought you the coolest denim jacket when he was on tour and he said extra things like the jacket was made just for you. Or when he printed the pictures Andy took in a party you threw because he wanted to have them as memories not just in his phone. Also, you find cute when he is so excited to send you his playlists he does every month with his favorite songs -he also made a private playlist for you know, when you need privacy-.

Once finished dinner, you moved to the couch to start your nerd marathon of the shows you watch. He went to find a big blanket since it's cool outside due to the rain that's been going on for two days. He settled next to you and kissed your temple when you put your head on his chest and your hands on his ribcage. 

"Come here, baby" Calum said wanting you closer.

"What's our mood today? Glee or Brooklyn 99?" you asked while you were concentrated on the TV screen searching for said shows.

“Both" you said at the same time. You explained how you can't wait to know what happens in the show. You agreed to watch Brooklyn 99 first and then Glee when you were cuddle in bed. 

After finishing the Halloween heist chapter you were still laughing at Gina's funny surprises.

"Babe you would be the perfect Gina Linetti" Calum said when he stopped laughing. 

"I'm going to take that as a really good compliment, what about you?" you asked him looking up to find his eyes. 

"Hmm I don't know" Calum said confused. "We should take an online test to find out" he broke the cuddle position you both had in the couch to go find his computer. 

"That's so Amy Santiago" you teased him while he was in another room. Then he came back showing you the electronic device.

He sat straight next to you again and searching for Buzzfeed quizzes related to the show. 

"This one sounds pretty cool" he said focused on the screen and pointing the one he chose. While the link load slowly due to his weak WiFi signal you decided you will take the quiz first. 

"K'" you said with the computer in your lap reading the questions and choosing the answers fast. "So this says I'm Gina Linetti externally and Amy Santiago internally". You read the caption under the results and it makes sense to you. 

"I was right babe, now my turn" he said taking from you the computer. It was funny how he took this so seriously to the point he had his tongue out, a thing he does when he is working. Both of you kinda expected and not his results. "I'm Rosa Diaz externally and Jake Peralta internally". 

"That's kinda sexy tho" you said biting your lip to refuse a giggle till you couldn't resist and start making fun of how bad ass but a puddle he is.

He stood up from the couch to lay against the wall with crossed arms looking at you how cute you looked all teasing him and also surprised with the results. "I can be the Jake Peralta to your Amy Santiago" he was now teasing you.

"Challenge accepted" you said before a moment of silence and Calum broke the ice.

"Oh gosh I love you so much" he said with all the emotion and then froze when he realized he said that out loud and not just inside his head. He waited for you to say something and as your surprised wide open eyes, he knew you weren't going to answer what he wanted. 

"What?" you asked surprised, not to make him repeated the words but to confirm if it was reality.

"Don't worry, I'm going to take a shower before bed" he said quickly disappearing into the bathroom and took his shirt off. He felt so stupid, he tortured himself for a couple of minutes with thoughts like you don't feel the same way about him and how maybe that scared you and now you were going to run away. 'Stupid Cal' he said to himself before he decided to leave that for later. 

In that short amount of minutes, in the other side of the room you were thinking about how he just threw the bomb at you with no warning. You felt bad that you didn't answer immediately, because you love him too but it was confusing how hours ago you were thinking about how he is not like that type of person to celebrate another month of your relationship or cheesy things but clearly he does. You thought how to fix this and your next move. 

When you were about to knock the bathroom's door Calum surprised you opening it before your action. He was surprised too to find you inches apart from him. 

"Jesus, y/n. Sorry, I thought you were still in the couch" he said when he stopped his rushing thoughts. "Are you okay?" asking if something happened or if you need something.

Calum was already with his shirt off and just with his jeans. You laid your fingers on his beautiful jaw to get him closer and kiss him. 

"I love you too, Cal" you said looking up directly to his eyes, fingers still on his jaw and your lips barely touching his. You moved forward a little bit to get you both inside the bathroom so you can close the door. Your moves were slow and that made the intensity filled the room. You know, sexual tension. 

You saw his sculpted tan back when he turned around to start the water. You bite your lip at the view. "Is Roy at home already?" you asked innocently him to be sure of something. 

He laughed at you being cautious when multiple times before Roy definitely heard you both having sex. "I don't know, but that's cute from you to worry about my roommate's nightmares because of us" he was teasing you. 

"Fuck you" you said realizing that the house is huge and that Roy's room is way far from where you were. So you can have an idea about how loud you have to be so he can hears you. Right now you don't care and at the same time hoping that Cal's roommate could be asleep. 

You stepped closer to him and he couldn't resist it. It's not like he can't kiss you, he knows that he is allowed to that but he would kill for your kisses. He moved his head to reach your tinted cherry lips and started heating up rapidly the situation. He just cut the makeout session when you took off your shirt, then he removed the rest of his clothes to jump in into the shower. You bit your lip at the view and decided to join him so you took off your jeans too and stepped inside in underwear. 

"Baby no! That combo is my fave" Calum said when your clothes got wet immediately because of the hot water. You laughed at his words like if he doesn't has a washing machine or a dryer. You laced your arms around his neck and kissed him under the water. "I've been holding this for a while and a lot of emotions and actions to show you how I feel but not anymore" he said and started to feel like he finally poured out what was stuck on his mind. "I wanted to tell you in a more romantic way than how I did it minutes ago watching Brooklyn 99, just pretend that we are outside under the rain so it could be more romantic like a Hollywood movie from the 50s" Calum said. 

He rapidly interlaced both arms in the end of your back to keep your body close to his. You rested your arms around his neck and he went up a little bit with his hands to fight with your soaked bra and then took it off and throw it to the floor crossing the glass door. A cloud of steam was already formed because of the heat in the room.

Now just your panties were left but you were so focused tracing Calum's tattoos with your fingers while he admired you doing it. It gave him chills when you found his chest tattoo.

"I love your tattoo too, honey" he said with his hand moving down to the side of your left thigh where your tattoo is. Perfect time to lift you up and take off the last piece of clothes. Your legs around his waist and he got you holding you with his strong hands placed above your butt.

Calum laughed when you tried to hide your body. It was the first time you took a shower with him. But the only way to hide your body was pressing it harder against his.

From outside the shower your bodies seemed blurry because of the big amount of steam. That marks were erased when Calum lifted you up to hold your body against the wall, your legs were around his waist to give him better access. 

Lust immediately filled your mind with the passionate kisses and how good felt when Cal pressed your body against the wall, still lifting you with his strong hands. God that hands and arms drive you crazy with his tattoos and notorious veins. Next he asked you for permission to fill your entrance, always making sure you were alright. You just nodded at him and he did it, your right arm so tight around the back of his neck and left hand holding against the glass leaving your handprint freshly. 

You both failed at being quiet but the sound of water and the soundproofing walls gave you advantage. Words couldn't be found, just moans and kisses wherever you had access. Calum still holding you changed to another wall, now one hand holding you and the other pressed against the wall that gave him the balance and to keep pushing inside you.

"Calum, I'm close" you said whispering on his ear. He wanted to make you feel even better so he speed up his pace. The water was hitting Cal's back and was burning him with the marks you were leaving with your nails. 

You tilted your head back when you reached your orgasm wanting to have your feet back on the floor and seconds later of friction he reached his edge too. 

He pulled off and helped you to for real take a shower and clean the sweaty mess. Now the calm and tiredness hit you both once you left the bathroom ready to -do quite opposite like minutes ago- put comfy clothes and cuddle. 

Calum dried your hair and you his. Once you put his baggy hoodie you jumped into the bed. You waited for him who was setting the heat for the house during the night.

While you watched Glee, with his head resting on your chest and stroking his curls, you thought about what he said earlier. Calum always sings the songs that he knows from the show and taps your skin gently at the beat of the music, and it's more than lovely to hear his beautiful voice. 

“Babe, what did you mean when you said that you had been holding that for a while?” you asked him when the cast of the show ended the song they were performing. He looked up at you.

“Like a month ago we were watching Brooklyn 99 that chapter when Jake was in danger and Amy felt guilty because she never told him how she felt and that hit me” he spoke with all the honesty. You found that so cute and cheesy from him and it made sense to you because for a while he seemed that he wanted to say something important to you but you never asked or pushed him to do it.

You kissed his forehead and smiled at him. Before you both returned your attention to the show you said, “I love you”.

"I love you too" he said. "I think you would be a perfect Mercedes" he started again teasing you about the characters of the shows you watch together, you are going to get used to this. 

You tried to break the closeness of his head in your chest because he knows that you don't have a beautiful talent and voice like Mercedes. "Ha ha very funny. So in that case you would be Sam?" you raised your brows at him because even when you love Sam, he's a player. 

"I think we can only resolve this with a quizz" he said smirking at you.

[ghost-of-you]

Catch 22 - CH - Part 7

Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character

Word Count: 17.1 k

Warnings: cursing, drinking, implied sexual activities, monologues.

Author’s note: First you may be wondering "Anna why are you warning monologues?" Well, these two needed to talk and once they started they wouldn't stop lol. Second, this is it, yay, over 3 years of my life came to this, i don't know who i am if im not writing this, but i guess I'll find out. I have random ideas about them after but like, it's nothing concrete so this is the end. It's been a ride for me. Thank you for reading this.

The title for this one is from Clarity by Zedd and Foxes

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part 6 bonus chapter

__________

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?

2018

Emma was sitting on the couch, a movie was playing on the tv, but she wasn't paying attention, absentmindedly petting the dog asleep in her lap while trying not to fall asleep herself. She was in a big green hoodie and leggings, and the sofa beneath her was so comfortable that she kept feeling herself snoozing before blinking and trying to watch the movie before dozing off again. 

She suddenly woke up, the dog jumping off her making her jump before sitting back, rubbing her eyes, and turning the tv off. 

"Love? Are you up?" She heard a voice calling, keys hitting a table, and the sound of tiny paws hitting the hardwood floors stopping and being replaced with a muffled “hey buddy”. 

She followed the sound, finding Calum standing in the hall near the door, the dog in his arms. 

"You're late," she said, leaning against the door frame, folding her arms in front of her, and watching as he put the dog down and walked towards her. 

"I know, and I'm sorry," he kissed the top of her head "my phone died, I couldn't call, we had a last-minute meeting that ended up lasting way too long," he said pulling her by her waist, "you're not mad, are you?" He looked at her with pleading brown eyes, and she unfolded her arms, throwing them around his neck. 

"Nah, Duke and I had a beautiful night where we both fell asleep on the couch," she chuckled, smiling up at him, "There's takeout for you in the kitchen, if you haven't eaten yet." 

"Thanks, I'm starving," he kissed her cheek while letting her go and moving to the kitchen. 

She followed Duke, the dog seeming to decide to go back to the couch. She petted him for a while, laughing at how fast he fell back asleep. 

She walked to the kitchen, finding Calum sitting by the counter eating out of one of the paper boxes she had left for him, and moved to sit on the counter in front of him, but he let go of the container, tossing it on the counter, and pulled her to his lap, making her yelp. 

He brushed a piece of her hair away from her face, his hand staying on her cheek as he tenderly watched her and she settled her hands on his shoulders to steady herself so she could look at him, "I did get the day off tomorrow so we can do whatever you want," his words made her face light up. 

"It's your city, what do you think I need to do?" She was playing with the string of his hoodie while he thought. 

"We'll figure something out," he said, a smile on his lips while he leaned in. 

The ringing coming from Emma's phone startles her, making her jolt up, confused, before closing her eyes and dropping back into her pillows, throwing her arms across her face. The dream seemed so real. She could still feel his hands on her waist, the fabric of his hoodie under her fingers. She sighs when the ringing stops, reaching for her phone, and sitting up. The lost call from Calum wasn't a surprise. Neither was the string of texts with every variation of "please pick up" possible. She didn't want to talk to him. She couldn't. But she also couldn't stop thinking about him, and these periodic calls weren't helping. She checks the time, and it's still the middle of the night. She grunts to herself, laying back down, trying to get comfortable enough to go back to the endless dreams that only made her feel lonely when she woke up to an empty bed.

_____ 

How she ended up there is a mystery to her, she needed to think, so her feet took her there. 

"I thought I was gonna find you here," Michael's voice startles Emma. Her feet are buried in the sand, she's hugging her knees and staring at the ocean in front of her. 

"I haven't really been here all that much since you moved," she doesn't look at him when he takes a seat beside her. "How did you find me?"

"Luck, I guess, you haven't been answering, your phone had no service, and remembered how phones don't really work that well here," he shrugs, looking at her.

"It used to drive my mum crazy," she lets out a sad laugh. 

"Why are you hiding, trouble?" He says, making her turn to him. 

"I'm not hiding," he gives her a look of disbelief. "I'm not! I'm thinking."

"About?" he asks.

"Nothing. Everything. Anything. Is it a lot, okay? And I don't want to feel this way." 

"This way how?" 

"Like I'm sixteen watching the gates close and take my favorite people away from me," she admits in defeat. 

"Em-" he begins to say, but she cuts him. 

"Don’t ‘Em’ me,” she mimics his tone, frowning at him before taking a breath. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad so don't say anything about it. I love how well you guys did, and I couldn't be more proud, but I was a mess. That’s a fact. Suddenly you weren't next door anymore and- " she chokes on her words, making her close her eyes and take a deep breath, "and he wouldn't talk to me anymore. It took me a long time to put everything in order again. But I did. I put myself back together as best I could. And got you back. I was good until-" she opens her eyes, not finding the right words, looking from Michael to the ocean. 

"You know, I thought the worst day was the day you guys left, and then I had to walk away from him, and that shit broke me. But it was also a hell of a lot easier to deal with when I was just handling this stupid high school crush. Sure he was in the back of my mind when I was with someone else ‘cause the ‘what if’ haunted me, but it was manageable when he was just a guy who kissed me in his room or at the end of the night. When all I had to overthink was a dance in his bedroom. When I didn't have hope, or I hadn't seen anything else about how it could be." She stops and looks at Michael, who gives her an encouraging nod. 

"I was a wreck when he stopped calling again. I thought that we would somehow get a chance. But he disappeared on me. Again. But now, now I had a new worst day. When I finally cracked and I called him. I called him once, I called him twice, by the third I left the most pathetic voicemail because he didn’t answer. Or called me back," she shrugs, inhaling deeply trying not to cry.

"But this time it was different. There wasn't a part of me that he hadn't touched. There wasn't a spot in my house where I didn't see him. He was in my bed. He was in my kitchen. He was waiting for me outside the campus. He was everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. I thought I missed him before, but that was nothing compared to now. I would live through that again happily if it meant it wouldn't be this bad. Every day I wake up, and I miss him. And every day, I wake up praying that this feeling will go away." She can feel the tears beginning to form, and she grunts, looking up, trying to stop them from coming.

"I don't wanna feel like this, okay? I'm not some teenager who thinks this is all that I'll ever feel. I shouldn't feel like the pain is all I'll ever feel.” She fists her hands through her hair. ”And you know what? Maybe I am hiding. Maybe I'm terrified of what would happen if I saw him. I knew you were here and he's been calling me nonstop, you know? That’s why I haven't been answering. I'm terrified it's him on the other side all the time, that I'm gonna open my door, and he's gonna be there. I don't know how I'm going to react. I don't know how not to break into a million little pieces. I don't know if I'm going to cry, run away, or punch him."

"Trouble…" his voice is sympathetic, and she doesn’t know how to feel.

"I can't go through that again, Michael, I don’t think I’d survive," she runs her hands through her hair before burying her face in them.

"Don't you think you should say all that to him?" 

"I don't think I'd be able to look at him without running the other way."

"You should talk to him, even if it's to yell at him. But if you do punch him, try not to break something," he says and she lets out a sad chuckle.

"Something being my wrist or his nose?" 

"Both would be ideal."

_____ 

Emma doesn’t have to check to know who it is, but she still stares at the number on the tiny screen. She wants to laugh at how she thought that deleting the contact from her phone would somehow make it less familiar, as she could somehow erase it from her mind too with the action. With a deep breath and the talk with Michael ringing in her ears, she finally answers.

“What do you want?” She groans, not even trying to mask the anger and hurt in her voice and waiting for his reply. 

“Hello to you too, love,” his voice greets her and the nickname hurts like a knife through her heart, “I’m in your street, I wanna see you," she sighs as she walks to a window and sees a broad silhouette she could still recognize anywhere. Why is he there? Was he planning to knock until she opened the door if she didn’t answer the phone? “Please let me in. It’s cold.”

She tells him to hang on and hangs up the phone because there’s no way she's letting him in, not this time. 

She goes back to her room to search around for something warmer for her and grabs his leather jacket from her closet.

She gets to the front door the moment her phone starts to ring again, but she rejects the call, opening the door and walking to the street.

He turns around at the sound of the front gate and goes to scoop her into his arms before she could protest. The hug doesn’t help with the mess of feeling, him holding on to her so tightly, but she still feels like things between them are broken beyond repair. She can smell his cologne and cigarettes as he puts her down and she doesn't know what to think when he makes a move to go in, but she just closes the gate, pockets the keys, and leans into it, handing him the jacket.

“So here is where this was, I thought Luke took it and forgot to return," he says, playfully, but his expression drops as she just stands there trying to look as annoyed as she's feeling and not wonder why he is there in the middle of the night in nothing but sweatpants and a shirt.

“Yeah, I took it the last time we did whatever this is," she says motioning between them. "What do you want, Hood?” She asks, the anger in her chest rising as he stands in front of her like what they are doing is perfectly normal. Because she's frustrated, it's been six years since she told him about her feelings, six years that they've been in this dance of not knowing what they were. Are they friends? Are they lovers? Were they ever really friends? Does he even actually care? She never knows and at some point, she gave up trying to make sense of it. Because nothing about their relationship seems to make sense.

“I told you I needed to see you. I've missed you,” he says so innocently that she almost believes him. Almost.

“You missed me?" She scoffs, rolling her eyes, "it took weeks to call me back and you really wanna go with that? I gave you time to miss me. And you missed your window. You don't get to show up at my door saying that you miss me now, it's too late,” she shakes her head, crossing her arms in front of her chest. It’s what he does, he shows up when he wants and disappears the same way, always looking like the most beautiful thing she's ever seen, always hurting her like nothing before.

“Come on, love, you know how hard things can get,” he says and she presses her lips together, and pushes herself off the gate, stepping closer to him as his words stir a whole new wave of feelings.

“‘Cause I’m just it to you, right, Hood? A thing you left behind and you want to pick back up now that you’re bored again?” She's glaring at him and a small part of her knows she's being unfair, but all the bottled-up feelings are coming to the surface, and she can’t help but get angrier as he looks at her with hurt in his eyes.

“That's not fair, love, you know it’s not like this.”

“Stop calling me that,” she hisses, “you don’t get to do that after disappearing on me. Again. Were you expecting me to wait around for another four years while you decide if I'm worth the hassle or not? For me to think that I’m anything other than some girl you want to use when you’re home? I can't do this anymore. I’m exhausted,” she lets out a shaky breath and runs her hands through her hair while he stares at her, not knowing exactly what to do. “Forty-one days, Calum. I counted. You know how pathetic I feel for knowing exactly how long it took for you to try to talk to me? You have any idea of how hard it was for me not to crack and just answer anyway?” She stops, exhaling sharply as she tries to will the tears forming in her eyes not to fall. “You can’t just show up here like this," her voice is barely a whisper now, "you can’t show up, sing me a song about how you wish you could make things right, stay for a week then ghost me until you’re back here, in the middle of the night claiming to miss me hoping I’ll just let you in." He flinches at her words, looking helpless. 

"I thought it was the right thing to do, I felt like staying away was what's best for you, that it's better if I just gave you a clean break,” he says and she huffs, shaking her head

"'Cause that worked perfectly the first time around, right?" She scoffs, voice heavy with sarcasm as he stares blankly at her.

"I didn't think that you want to deal with the leaving and coming back and everything and you were-" he tries to explain but she cuts him.

"That's when you talk to me! Don't just make the decision alone. You know, you were always saying how I could talk to you, that you'd be there, but you know what I wanted? I wanted you to talk to me," she says, pointing between them before pausing, "I wanted-" she sniffs before pausing, exhaling sharply, ducking her head and closing her eyes, "I needed you to fucking fight for me, Cal," she pauses, voice cracking as she says his name, looking back at him, "but not right now and definitely not like this."

“I didn’t know how,” he mumbles, anxiously watching her, and she wonders if she'd ever seen him not knowing what to say. She looks at him and sees the boy she fell for all those years ago and can’t understand how they got here, how it all turned out so wrong between the two of them. 

And she just wants to scream, to fight, to turn back time and never tell him how she felt. She wants to go back to when he kissed her and just ask him what's happening between them. She wants to go back to the time when he was her safe place, and they would talk the night away and not even notice.

She wants everything that’s wrong to be fixed, but she's not even sure she recognizes the man standing in front of her. The same warm eyes and messy hair, but she feels everything but that safety she used to feel lying on his bed while watching him play.

But what she wants more than anything is to fall into his arms and pretend for however long he’s here this time, but it hurts too much. She knows she can't handle this another time, watching him disappear into the world, taking all that feels good with him. She wants to believe in him, but she feels like a crazy person expecting things would be different this time.

“Why are you really here?” She asks because, at this point, she just wants to know why he keeps coming back.

“I miss you. I want to make things right, even if you don’t want to be with me, I want my friend back,” he says and she laughs at it because he’s got to be joking.

"We're not friends, Calum," she huffs, shaking her head and he looks like she had slapped him.

"Please don't say that," he pleads, his face full of despair but that just makes her roll her eyes.

"Friends don't do the shit we do. And a friend wouldn't do what you did."

"Em," he says, voice low, looking on the verge of tears, "please, just let me-"

“Yeah, 'cause I'm so gonna let you in, just for you to keep pulling your disappearing act on me."

"I only do that because I’m not good for you, I don't know how to make things work, and I convince myself that staying away it’s what’s best for you, that somehow I'll just do less damage if I'm not there to fuck you up,” he’s clearly getting just as frustrated as she is, running his hands through his hair. “But I can’t help but come back, I can’t make myself stay away.” 

"Then stop leaving! 'Cause the way you act just makes it seem like you don't care and that hurts a lot more. You walk away, I don't lose only you and I'm left here wondering why I even bother trying if you refuse to meet me halfway."

He’s staring at her with glistening eyes as she feels her own tears starting to fall, all the years of not talking about these feelings finally catching up to them.

“It's been six years in this, Calum, just tell me what the hell you really want from me.”

"I just,” his voice deep and low and his eyes are locked on her when he pauses, taking a deep breath and a step closer to her, "I love you, Emma," he says, and his words break her heart into a million pieces, as her eyes widen at him and her back hits the gate as his words steal the air out of her lungs. But she's not falling for this. Not this time. So she turns back and opens the gate. 

"Then come back when it's not the middle of the night, I can't do this right now," she steps inside and closes the gate. 

"Come on, Emma, don't do this," he calls from behind her, but she keeps walking. 

"Just leave, Calum, it's what you do best anyway," she mumbles, the tears falling from her eyes doing nothing to loosen the knot in her throat as she goes in. 

She drops to her bed, hugging a pillow, the tears still falling. She doesn’t know how long it took for her to fall asleep, but she wakes up disoriented, tears falling, and she's not sure if they never stopped or if they just started again. She gets up and goes to the shower, not looking in the mirror, not wanting to see her feelings reflected back at her. She tries to relax, but the hot jet does nothing to reduce how tense she feels. She sits down, hugging her knees, and lets the water hit her back. When she finally gives up relaxing, she goes back to her room, finds the most comfortable clothes in her closet, and grabs the phone. 

She ignores all notifications, opening Michael's chat:

To M 💜 : can you come over? 

To M 💜 : its fine if you cant 

To M 💜 : i just want some company

From M 💜: omw

She sighs and locks her phone, curling up in bed and waits, thinking about how everything is just undefined. She just graduated and had no plans ahead of this and her emotions are still all over the place because of a stupid guy. 

It feels like a long time has passed when she finally hears the doorbell. She rushes out of bed, buzzing the gate open and opening the door. Michael’s expression changes to worry instantly when he sees her. 

She just steps back from the door, opens her arms, and waits as he comes in, closes the door, and pulls her to his chest. She's not even crying anymore, all tears long dried up. She’s just holding on for dear life as he caresses her hair. 

He finally steps back, holding her by the shoulders. 

"What the fuck happened? Who do I have to kill?" He asks and she lets out a sad chuckle. 

"Oh, Calum came over last night, but I don't think you can kill your bassist," she jokes and he rolls his eyes, shaking his head. 

"What did he do this time?" He asks, his expression slightly annoyed. 

"He said he loves me," she says, voice small, watching his face as his eyes widen.

"He what?" He asks and she rubs her face.

"Yep, I don't know how we got there anymore we were fighting I asked what he wanted from me so he said it and I just went back inside after," she says all in one breath before motioning to the kitchen and starting waking, sitting by the table and pushing her feet up to hug her knees. Michael follows and sits beside her. 

"So he told you he loves you and you walked out on him? Gotta love the irony in that," he comments and Emma stares at him for a second before laughing. 

"Oh my God," she says between breaths. "I didn't think about that," she continues to laugh, and he starts laughing too, her laugh so ridiculous he can't stop himself. It goes on for a while before he tries to get her to stop laughing. 

"Come on, trouble, calm down. What happened? Did he just show up?" He asks, clearly curious. Michael, along with everybody around them, just wanted the end of the mess Emma and Calum kept making of themselves. 

"Oh he showed up and said he missed me and I said I was tired of the way things were and I asked what the hell he wanted and he said that he loves me," she says it all in one breath still not sure what the hell happened. "So I just walked out. I got in and cried myself to sleep," she starts laughing again because the situation it's just ridiculous. "This is so ridiculous, M, I told him to come back when it's not the middle of the night and left. What the hell?" She's hiding her face in her sleeves, shaking with laughter. 

"So you're dealing with it, or you're just gonna sit here and laugh about it?" 

"Laughing about it sounds good, I'll stick with it."

"Well, it could be worse I guess, at least you're laughing, not laying on the floor and not moving." 

"Nah, only UNI can do that much damage. And I have my degree now so no more of that. It was an eventful month, I got my degree, heard an I love you back after six years, life's good, I don't know what to do about anything." She's still laughing as the existential crisis made everything funnier, and Michael starts to wonder if she finally lost it because it sure looks like it.

The pair sits there for a while. Michael not knowing what to do, Emma laughing like a crazy person. 

She stops laughing, suddenly getting very serious. "What do I do now, M? What's next?" She asks and his face softens. 

"You're the one that needs to figure that out. It’s your life," he tells her and she knows he's right and is thinking about it when his phone starts to ring. He checks it and gets up. 

"I gotta go, but I'll check in on you later, okay?" She follows him, walking to the door and opening it for him. He kisses the side of her head, and she watches him leave. 

She closes the door and slides down against it, in a limbo of uncertainties, the whole mess with Calum, waiting for replies to job applications. But she doesn’t have time to think about much, at least it doesn't feel like a long time before she hears the doorbell again. She assumes Michael forgot something and opens the door. But there's someone else there. She takes the keys and goes to the gate finding Calum looking at her like a lost puppy, hands shoved into his hoodie pockets, the bags under his eyes making it clear that he didn't have a good night of sleep either. 

"You told me to come back when it's not the middle of the night," he says when she opens the gate.

"I did," she nods as she crosses her arms in front of her chest. 

"It's not the middle of the night," his eyes are pleading, and she starts thinking the situation is funny. 

"I can see that." 

"And I'm back."

"That is also obvious."

"Does this mean I can come in this time?" He asks, looking more anxious than she's ever seen him and she takes a deep breath.

"Sure, why not?" She shrugs, and turns back to the house, walking towards the room with him in her heels. She sits on the bed, back to the headboard, knees to her chest, and watches as he wanders around the room. 

"I'm not here anymore," he points at the wall with the pictures with hurt in his voice, and she thinks back to how she'd been so hurt she took off the pictures she had there with him. The first one was with the four boys and before she could think about it she ripped it, then took down the other three pictures she had there, two from back before everything and one that Ashton had taken when she went to say goodbye to them the last time, her face hidden in his chest, arms wrapped around his waist and his cheek laying on top of her head with eyes closed as he holds her close. The pictures now in a drawer and a new group picture, one without Calum, in the place of the torn one. 

"You really thought I would keep you on my wall after you disappeared on me again?" She asks, legitimate curiosity in her words, as she doesn't resist the urge and opens the drawer on her bedside table, searching for the pictures. 

"I don't know. I guess it makes sense that you took them down," he looks back at her to the sound of a drawer closing, and he comes to sit at the edge of the other side of the bed. 

"I still have them, though," she slides the pictures to him. He takes them and smiles softly at the group picture, she's in the middle, with Michael’s arms around her shoulders on one side, Calum's on her waist on the other, Luke beside Michael, and Ashton beside Calum, with a goofy expression on all their faces. She studies him as he moves to the next picture, the smile still on his face, a posed one of two of them smiling at the camera. Then he moves to the next, the one where she's sitting between his legs, back to his chest, head on his shoulder looking up to his face while talking and him looking at her really concentrated and the smile still doesn't move from his face. Until the last picture, his face goes sadder. 

"I like this one," he shows her the picture and she nods

"Yeah, I printed it instantly when Ash sent it to me. I think it is kinda cute," she hugs her knees to her chest again, "why are you here, Calum?" 

"I meant what I said last night, I want you back in my life," he looks dead serious, and, God, she wants to believe him. 

"I know you feel that way now, but the second you leave again, you're not gonna feel this way anymore," she swallows hard, trying to keep her cool. 

"If you think that, come with us," he blurts out, taking her by surprise. 

"What?" She asks and he sits up straight.

"Come with us, you're not in school anymore, and your degree is in sound engineering, right? Be a part of the crew. That way, you can travel with us. That was the dream, right? And it would be nice to have you around all the time again," he explains and she blinks at him a couple of times. 

"You're offering me a job to convince me that you actually missed me? That's a bit extreme," she starts laughing because it's crazy, but he looks determined. 

"No, I'm offering you a job because I love you, and I don't want to be away from you anymore," he says and she stops laughing, eyes widening, heart racing. 

"What? That’s not funny, Calum. Can you even do that, just give me the job? You don't even know if I'm any good at it. This is not something you just offer in the spur of the moment. You can’t just use this to take me with you without thinking about it."

"I’m not. I’ve been thinking about it since I found out you got in. I’ve seen your videos. I saw a show you worked in. I know you're good. Please, Emma, I'm not doing this for you to be with me, I just feel like I owe you the opportunity," he leans forward, but she gets up off the bed and starts pacing. 

"You are being serious, holy shit," the room suddenly becomes too small, "holy shit," she mumbles as his words finally sink in, and she stops, looking at him, "wait, what do you mean you've seen my videos?" She asks, her voice showing how terrified she is of what that means. 

He has his lips pressed together and she just stares at him waiting for an answer, "I know about your channel." 

"You know about my channel," she repeats, and he nods. "How? How long?" When he doesn't reply, the panic starts rising. "How long, Calum?"

"Since you posted one of our songs,” he finally says, “I saw it, and I thought I recognized that old guitar," he points to it in the corner, "when you started singing, I knew for sure."

"You've known since I posted if you don't know?" He nods, making her start pacing again. "you knew about it last year, and you didn't tell me?"

“You didn’t tell me about it either.”

“That’s not the same,” she shrieks, shaking her head trying to stay calm.

"I didn't want you to stop posting cause you knew I was watching it, it was my way to check up on you," he takes a deep breath and stands up, "I'm not good at this, trying to be close while being on the other side of the world, but that was never because I didn't care," he pauses and she stops moving, and they are on opposite ends of the room. "When you stopped talking to me, I was devastated," she begins interrupting, but he doesn't let her, "I know it's my fault, okay? Let me finish. I still have your notebook, you know? I never got to say anything about it, and it was so amazing to see your thoughts that unfiltered. But then I spend two years not hearing anything from you, and I know I deserved it, but it was fucking awful," he pauses, taking a step forward and she's glued to that spot, staring at him. "After that phone call, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated not hearing from you anymore. After a few weeks, I stumbled upon that video, and I knew it was you. It was you, and I couldn't stop watching it. The whole thing was you letting your feelings out. I finally had a way to you again, and I couldn't let that go." 

Only after he stops talking that she realizes she's crying again. She wipes her face with the sleeves of her hoodie, but the tears keep falling. 

"I hoped it was for me, that you still thought about me, even though I broke your heart so you could move on without being rung up on a guy more than an ocean away. I still hoped that one day the time would be right," he takes another step closer to her, but she steps back, hitting the wall, so he stops. "Watching it kept that hope alive, even if the songs were about how much I had hurt you." 

"You didn't just hurt me, all of that wrecked me. I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't even blame you. I just lived trying to put myself back together, and you show up, and suddenly all my effort is gone, and I'm a mess on the floor again because you couldn't figure out if you really wanted me." 

"I fucked up. I know that now. I didn't realize it back then," he pauses, searching for words, "I didn't really understand it. I didn’t understand what I was feeling and I kept doing the wrong thing. I never meant to hurt you, and I wish I did things differently, but I can't change that. All I can do is try to make it better now." She's looking at him, with wide eyes and tears streaming down her cheeks. "I didn’t wanna hurt you. I hate seeing you hurt, even more when it's because of me."

“You can’t just say things like this,” she says through the tears, shaking her head and biting her lip to stop it from shaking, ”you can’t."

“I’m not just saying this. I’ll do anything you need me to do to prove it.” He takes a step closer to her, “anything,” he takes another step, and when she doesn't move, he closes the distance, sobs shaking her body when he pulls her to his chest. 

"It's okay," his voice it's barely a whisper, repeating the words, his hands stroking her hair while she holds him as tight as she can. 

She stays there, head on his chest, breathing in and out, trying to calm herself, as he caresses her hair. 

When the tears stop falling, she pulls back. 

"You need to leave," she moves to the hall, him following her. 

"Emma," he pleads, confusion in his tone. 

"No, I need to think, and it's hard to do that with you looking at me like I'm made of glass, and I'm about to break."

"Em-"

"I'll call you when I decide something about the crew thing," she opens the door. "Bye, Calum."

He looks helpless but nods at her and leaves. 

Now alone with her thoughts, she let herself want that. Working with them sounded like a dream. It was the dream. She's waiting for something to happen and wake her up as she fumbles with her phone. 

To M 💜 : you knew your friend was plotting to hire me? 

From M 💜 : I may have heard something about it  

To M 💜 : and you didnt think to tell me something

To M 💜 : while I was having a breakdown 

To M 💜 : cuz I dont know what to do next?

From M 💜 : not really no 

To M 💜 : woah thanks 

From M 💜 : youre welcome 

From M 💜 : so am I your boss now?

To M 💜 : I havent said yes yet 

From M 💜 : yet 

From M 💜 : being the keyword

From M 💜 : cuz its a great opportunity

From M 💜 : to work with the most awesome band in the world 

To M 💜 : yes

To M 💜 : but then I’d have to handle you being my boss 

From M 💜 : im an awesome boss 

To M 💜 : yeah you probably are 

To M 💜 : id be crazy not to take it right? 

From M 💜 : id definitely question your sanity  

To M💜: can I just tell you I accept it?

From M💜: nope

To M 💜 : I have to call Calum for this? 

From M 💜 : yeah

To M 💜 : ugh

She sighs, breathing deeply before dialing Calum's number.

"Emma?" 

"I'll do it. I wanna be in the crew." 

"Great, I'll finish working on the details, and you're in" excitement in his voice. 

"But Calum, me taking it doesn't mean I'm falling into your arms again as if nothing happened." 

"I didn't expect you to." 

______

The next few days are a haze of contracts and meeting people and Emma being the most professional version of herself to prove that she wasn’t there just because she was their friend. Not that anyone would question it since her abilities are clear, and she gets at a good pace with the whole crew fairly easily. They test her everywhere, but she ends up in the controlling room, helping with the boys’ earpieces during concerts and leveling the instruments during sound checks. She doesn't really get to spend much time with them, but she does see them every day and ends up texting a lot while they rehearse to get everything the way they like it. Calum doesn't push for anything, and she's grateful for it. 

The first show goes smoothly, and she couldn't be happier. But then it was time to travel. The next few shows were close, so buses. Technically she is on a different bus, but the boys call her over, and she stays there, ending up falling asleep with her head on Luke’s shoulder. 

She wakes up with the weight of a blanket being thrown over her on the couch and starts to move. 

"Go back to sleep, love," the voice makes her feel warm inside and cuddles up the blanket. 

"Thanks, Cal," she whispers, falling back asleep. But before dozing off again, she's sure she felt a kiss being pressed to her forehead. 

____

She falls into a routine very quickly. Setting up things before the show, sitting in the control room during, helping wherever she's needed after. She hangs out with the boys when she can, but mostly it's when there's traveling. Sitting on the bus losing to whoever she's playing with, drinking, and listening to music until someone decides it's time to sleep, on quieter nights some random movie and a lot of talking over it or waiting in the airports. 

They are ahead of schedule, and she's sitting in the corner of the dressing room, legs crossed on the floor in front of Luke who's sitting on a couch while she paints his nails with a pretty gold color. They’re quiet, Luke sitting back, blue eyes closed, making her wonder if he fell asleep when she looks up to tell him she’s done with that hand and she needs him to give her the other. She chuckles, laying his hand carefully on his knee and taking the other. He opens one eye when she does it, before yawning and closing it again.  

She’s so focused on getting them perfect, she doesn’t notice when Calum sits on the spot next to Luke.

“Mind if I look?” He asks, and she’s a little startled, meeting his eyes with a questioning frown. He picks up the bag of polishes she left beside her after Luke chose a color, and understanding flows through her.

“Oh, yeah, go ahead,” she tells him, going back to work on Luke’s hand, while the tiny bottles clang as he looks through the bag. She’s finishing with the last layer on Luke's pinky when she speaks again. “It’s not there,” she says without looking up at Calum. She doesn’t need to look to see the confused glance he gives her. “You want black, right?” She adds when she’s done, patting Luke’s knee to let him know, earning a soft “thank you” from the blonde, that doesn’t even open his eyes, before looking up at Calum.

"I’m not,” he stops when she raises her eyebrows at him. “How did you know?” 

“It’s the only color I’ve ever seen you wear,” she tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear and scratches her neck. He had black nails that day on the beach. And the day they talked after that. He tilts his head, frowning, but his expression soon softens, and she feels her cheeks heat up under his gaze. She searches around herself, looking for the black polish she had put there to paint her own nails after she was done with Luke's, before shaking the little bottle to him. “You want me to do yours too?” She offers scooting, so she’s sitting in front of him.

“if you don’t mind,” he’s searching her face, and she gives him a small smile before he could find whatever he’s looking for.

“Hand,” she asks, reaching out for it, trying not to react when their fingers meet. They sit without talking, Calum watching closely as she works, while she tries her best not to let his careful eye affect her. She knows she's failing miserably with how hot her face feels. He doesn’t say anything about it, and she ignores it too, focusing on the hands without lingering on who they belong to.

She had just finished the last nail when someone comes looking for her. A problem with some of the equipment is all she registers while she closes the bag and shoves it in her backpack by the couch. 

“Duty calls,” she says, getting up, “all done, though,” she adds before turning to follow the crewperson that came to get her.

“Thanks, love,” Calum says from behind her, and she turns her head to offer him a smile.

“Anytime, rockstar," she says with a wink, and he watches her leave with a grin on his face.

***

Emma's thinking about the concert and not paying attention to what she thought was an empty hallway before almost walking straight through someone.

Calum laughs after having stopped the collision, hands on her shoulders, and she barely reacts to it making him frown at her. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just think I forgot something today, I was just running through the day to try and figure it out," she looks up to meet his eyes when he drops his arms, shaking her head slightly, "I thought I was alone."

"You were," he says and they stare at each other awkwardly for a second, "I gotta," he adds, gesturing vaguely behind him.

"Yeah, sure, I'll see you later," she nods, moving to continue down her path when she suddenly remembers something else.

"Calum," she calls for him, and he turns, walking back towards her.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?" She asks, feeling silly, but curiosity is taking the best of her.

"Anything," he says, grinning at her.

"You said you saw one of the concerts I worked in," she says and he nods, "when?"

"Last year, it was in the club you did your internship," he scratches the back of his neck and she frowned.

"How did you know I was working?"

"You told me," he says and that makes her frown harder, "when we were, well, hanging."

"Oh." She does remember mentioning something about it to him, but not with enough details for him to show up. "How did you know I was the one working the board?"

"Mike told me."

"He did?" Her confusion growing and he smiles sheepishly.

"He mentioned you were excited about it, I pushed for more information," he admits, making her chuckle.

"That makes more sense." 

"I was home, so I thought I should check it out," he shrugs and she cocks her head trying to understand him.

She remembers that night perfectly, her boss had let her run the board alone and she would never forget that feeling.

"It was my first time not assisting, the one I told M about. I was literally bouncing up and down, it was the day I knew for sure I didn't want to work in a studio," she giggles, "I didn't know you were there."

"You didn't want to see me," he says, simply, and she frowns, "and seeing me would throw you off, I didn't want to do that."

"Oh," she breathes, trying to figure out how she feels about that.

"But I wanted to be there," he shrugs, a small smile on his face and a soft look in his eyes.

"You're really confusing, you know that, right?" 

"You weren't answering and I didn't want to just show up and mess that up for-" he's explaining when someone calls his name, startling them both. He's about to tell them to wait when she shakes her head.

"Go, we can talk later."

____

“Love?” Calum’s voice comes from somewhere around her she can’t quite place. Maybe she had fallen asleep without realizing it. Luke had stopped laughing and she could hear Ashton talking to him too. Maybe sneaking to the back of the bus with the bottle of tequila had been a bad idea, but Luke had great stories so they just kept talking and laughing and drinking, and, well, now she's just so comfortable on that couch. Somewhere to her left, Luke is being moved away by Ashton and they tell her good night while Calum's still trying to get her attention. “Love, we need to get you to your bunk," he says, fingers gently moving her hair.

“But I’m so comfortable,” she mumbles, stretching out like a cat now that she has the whole couch to herself, closing her eyes and making Calum laugh.

“Come on, Love, I can carry you if you don’t wanna walk,” he offers and she opens one eye to look at him.

“You’ll carry me?” She repeats, considering and he nods.

"I will, come on.”

“But I don’t wanna move,” she pouts and yawns and he shakes his head, smiling.

“Okay,” he tells her, moving away, and she pulls a pillow closer, settling in. She had just closed her eyes when she feels the weight of a blanket being thrown over her, “I thought you left,” she glances up to Calum, who’s holding her own pillow.

“Do you want me to?” He asks, crouching down in front of her, and switching the pillows too.

“I never wanted you to."

“I know,” he brushes her hair away from her face, hand staying on her cheek, his thumb rubbing soothingly against it, and she sighs, closing her eyes again, “good night, love."

“I ruined it, didn’t I?” She mumbles, eyes still closed and he frowns.

“What do you mean?”

“My feelings ruined it,” she explains but he still doesn't seem to get it.

“You’re not making a lot of sense, love,” his voice is soft and she opens her eyes to look at him still on the floor to be on the same level as her.

“This, if I didn't love you, working with you wouldn’t be this weird. It was the dream and I ruined it,” she tells him and he seems to understand where her thoughts are at.

“I don’t think it was something you could've controlled."

“Yeah, but I should’ve stayed quiet, no one needed to know, and it would’ve gone away eventually."

“Do you really think so?” He asks, watching her closely, but she starts shaking her head as he is still speaking.

“No, not really, it never went away," she admits, voice small.

“Did you want it to?”

“Well, you didn’t want me, and I just wanted it to stop hurting.” 

“Emma,” he looks like he is about to start apologizing and she groans.

“See, I’m doing it again, you're being nice and I’m making you feel bad,” she sighs and moves, sitting up, the blanket sliding down and she starts picking at one of the edges, “And all I wanted was for you to stay with me. I should’ve just kept quiet and be the girl you kissed from time to time. It sure would’ve been better than all of that,” she runs her hands through her hair, before burying her face in them.

“You don’t mean that,” he says, sitting down beside her.

“Why not?” She asks, glancing up at him, “having a little bit of you would’ve been better than having nothing. I hate being nothing to you."

“You were never nothing.”

“Yes, I was,” she argues, looking forward and chewing on the inside of her cheek, “I was drowning without you and you never tried to reach me."

"Love,” he pleads, voice low, and she sighs, still avoiding his gaze.

“You're so good at all this and I never know if you do care or if I'm just reading too much into things."

"Of course I care."

"It doesn't always feel like you do, and now I don't know how to react."

"Hey, look at me,” he asks and she reluctantly turns to meet his eyes, “I do care, I'm with you, love, for as long as you'll have me," he tells her and she feels her eyes starting to water. She exhales loudly, trying to chase the tears away and he reaches for her hand, squeezing it.

"You won't leave me?" She asks, feeling silly, but he starts shaking his head while she's still speaking.

"I won't," he promises and she presses her lips together, studying him.

"Okay." The way he’s looking at her makes her do the only thing she could think of, let go of his hand and move so she could throw her arms around his neck. He pulls her so she’s in his lap and holds her tightly to him. As she hides her face in his neck, she starts to wonder how long she can really keep fighting her feelings.

___

Emma doesn't have a plan. Honestly, she didn't even know she would do this until she registers herself knocking on the door to Calum's room. The realization of what she just did makes her flinch and step back, fidgeting with the ends of her sleeves, but she can't make a run for it before he opens the door, fixing his shirt as if he had just put it on, looking shocked to see her there. 

"Emma?" He frowns, worried, "Is everything okay?" 

"I-," she stutters, anxiety making words even harder, "you know what? I'm sorry, you're probably really tired, I'm gonna go," she motions vaguely behind her and steps back. 

"Love, what's wrong?" He asks and she stops, exhaling deeply and looking at him, still fighting to find words, and his eyes narrow at her, "just get in and tell me what's going on," he moves away from the door, and her feet guide her inside. 

She moves past him, looking around the room, but not registering any details about it before setting her gaze on Calum, his face still twisted in a confused frown that doesn't help with her nerves. What is she doing? She's not sure yet. But it was like something was pulling her and she couldn't stop thinking about him. She wants it to stop. She doesn't want to dwell on the consequences and possibilities and everything that will, with no doubt, go absolutely wrong the second she admits that her feelings never went away. She just wants this awkwardness between them to fade. 

She's staring at him, truly looking at him, admiring how his hair is pointing in every direction, his chocolate eyes looking at her expectantly, the tattoos adorning his left arm. He changed so much over the years, but he still looked so much like the boy she fell for. Still so beautiful her heart hurts. 

"Love, you're freaking me out a little," he chuckles, taking a step closer to her, "what's wrong?" 

"I don't know," she says, and it's the truth, she doesn't. 

"Okay, do you wanna talk?" He's getting closer now, a flicker of hope lighting up his eyes. 

"I don't know," she says again, looking up to meet his eyes. He's so close now, she could touch him if she reached her hand out. He smiles at her and she feels her heartbeat picking up speed.

"What do you know then?" He asks, the smirk on his face emptying her head.

"I-," she breathes, looking down at his lips, trying to form words, "I want you to kiss me until I can't think straight." 

"What?" He blinks at her a couple of times, questioning if he heard the words right. 

"I miss you. And I don't know where things are going or if I'm ready to figure it out, and it's driving me crazy," she tells him, back to fidgeting with her sleeves, her eyes going down to the fabric twisted between her fingers, "but I want you to kiss me until all of this is out of my head," she admits, scared to meet his gaze, but he's cupping her cheeks before she's finished speaking, giving her only enough time to close her eyes before his lips are on hers. 

The intensity of the kiss surprises Emma, but she melts into him, her hands hanging onto the front of his shirt, pulling him closer. 

Calum's hands move to her waist and hers going to his neck while he pushes her back until she hits something, a desk or a dresser, she doesn't know and at that moment she really doesn't care, and he pulls back. 

"Jump," he orders, his grip on her tightening while he helps lift her to whatever is beneath her. His hands move to her thighs, nudging on them so she'll open her legs and he can settle closer to her then to her back, pulling her so she'll be pressed completely against him before kissing her again, her legs wrapping around him, her hands going up to his hair. She's getting what she wants. There's no confusion in her head. No other thoughts than the feeling of his lips, his hands never stopping, going from her hair, to her thighs, to her back, leaving a trail of heat all over her. 

****

“Tell me something,” Emma whispers to Calum, turning in bed to look at him.

“What?” He asks, mirroring her movements, looking at her.

“Tell me something. Something you didn’t tell me because we weren’t talking. Something I don’t know.” 

“I’m a vegetarian now.”

“Vegetarian? Yeah, that makes sense,” she chuckles.

“Now you tell me something," he says, his hand lazily tracing patterns on her arm as she thinks of something.

“I failed algebra twice and any mentions of anything related to it can and will make me cry," she tells him and he laughs.

“That bad? I thought uni would be easy for you.”

“I had a bad semester, I picked a fight with a professor, things got out of my control for a bit there.”

“You picked a fight with a professor?" He asks, eyebrows drawing together, and she nods, "You?”

“It wasn’t my finest moment, I did manage to fix the situation, not before failing some things, but it’s life,” she shrugs and he narrows his eyes at her.

“What did they do?”

“Who?”

“The professor, what did they do? There’s no way you’d risk getting in trouble for nothing," he explains and chuckles before chewing on her bottom lip trying to figure out how to explain it.

“He implied that I wasn’t the one doing my assignments."

“I don’t get it."

“I had this friend, he was a senior and the professor kept saying my work was too good for me to be doing it alone, and he implied that my friend was getting favors," she emphasizes the word, rolling her eyes, "for helping me,” she explains and Calum's eyes widen at her.

“No way. I’m sorry."

“It was bullshit, but I dealt with it, it’s fine now,” she thinks for a second, "you remember that call after I ran into you in the club?" She asks and he nods, "the thing that was adding up that week was that he failed me and convinced another professor to check my stuff again."

"He sounds like an asshole."

"He is," she laughs, hand reaching for his so she could link their fingers, "tell me something," she asks, kissing his knuckles, and he looks thoughtful for a second.

"I hate the ‘staying in hotels’ part of the job."

“Come on, it’s fun.”

“It gets old, at some point it becomes just halls and rooms, I like the bus better."

“That’s depressing," she chuckles, teasingly.

“We’ll talk after ten tours, then you tell me if you still think it’s fun,” he says, playfully poking her and she laughs.

“You’re planning on dragging me to nine more of these?” 

“I’m planning on taking you with me as long as the band is still together," he says, looking at her intently and she's not sure what to do with herself.

“Really?” She asks, moving so she’s on top of him, leaning down with her arms on either side of his head.

“Yeah, tours, radio performances, promo, the sets that I have no idea what’s going on, all of it,” he lists, winking at her and tucking a piece of her hair in her ear while his other hand moves up her back as she narrows her eyes at him, holding back a smile.

"Yeah?"

"If you want me to," he says, and his hand it’s on her neck pulling her down so he could kiss her.

______

When Emma wakes up, in the middle of the night, she takes the coward's way out, moving quietly out of the bed, gathering her stuff, and sneaking back to her room. It feels unfair, both to her and Calum, to sneak away like that but she couldn't face him. Not in the daylight when she can't use the dark as an excuse to why she can't stay away from him. And it's not like the day would allow him to question her about it. Or so she thought before Calum appeared out of nowhere at the venue, snapping her out of the spiral she was slowly sinking into as she wouldn’t stop thinking about the night before, dragging her along with him through the nearest door.

“What’s wrong?” She asks frowning at him, when he closes the door behind him, letting go of her hand.

“That’s what I wanna know,” he says and she scratches her head, taking a breath and trying not to freak out.

“What?”

“I thought we were good,” he says, studying her and she sighs.

“We are.”

“Then what happened this morning?” Calum asks, sounding hurt and Emma tries not to flinch at his words as she furrows her brows.

“You had a crazy day and I didn’t want to be in the way?” That's technically not a lie, but it wasn't the reason why she left, they both know that.

“Emma, come on."

“What?”

“Last night-” he starts but she interrupts him.

"We had sex, it's nothing we haven't done before,” she shrugs and he shakes his head.

“It wasn’t just that, and you know it."

“Yeah, but it’s never just anything when it comes to us is it?”

“It isn’t because-" he starts and by the look in his eyes, she knows where his words are going and she doesn't think she can hear them.

"Please don't say you love me," she asks, looking at him, suddenly feeling annoyed, the thoughts that have been spinning around in her head making her ready to pick a fight.

"Why not?"

“Because, Calum, love is not some mystical magical force that can fix everything-" she says, sounding harsh and he frowns at her.

“I know that,” he says but she ignores his words.

“-and I can’t let you drag me all around the world just because I’m terrified you’ll forget you love me the second I’m out of your sight,” she admits, surprising herself and she fists her hair as Calum's eyes widen at her.

“I never forgot I love you," he says, simply, but she shakes her head, feeling the need to start pacing.

"No, you left and you disappeared, and now you can take me with you and I love this but what would you have done if I said no?" She stops, looking at him.

"You didn't," he says, holding her gaze and she presses her lips together.

"But what if I had?"

"You wouldn’t."

“But-”

"I knew you wouldn't say no."

“But-”

“Then I would’ve figured something else out!” He exclaims, studying her expression, “I’m trying to make things right, and I would've still tried,” he adds, watching as she watches him with anxious wide eyes, “I really freaked you out, didn’t I?”

“Huh?” She hums, chewing on her bottom lip.

“You said you weren't ready to figure things out and I was going on about taking you with me, I freaked you out,” he says, cocking his head, his expression softening, and she chuckles despite the anxious feeling in her chest.

“I’m freaked out all the time,” she laughs and he gives her a pointed look.

“You know what I mean."

“Do I?”

“You always did,” he shrugs, stepping towards her.

“I’m not sure about that,” she says, watching as he gets closer, unsure of what to do.

“What are you sure of?” He asks, a grin on his face now that makes her heart race in her chest.

“Touché,” she says, looking up at him and his face softens.

“You’re still so easy to distract;” he says, fondly, while his knuckles lightly trace her jaw and she can’t help the dazzled feeling in her chest as he looks at her.

“Huh?” She asks, blinking up at him a couple of times and he chuckles.

“Nothing," he shakes his head, "are you feeling better?”

“I don’t know." She doesn't know what she's feeling if she's being honest, he's too wrapped up around so many emotions it's hard for her to keep track of it's in the forefront.

“At some point, we’re gonna have to move on from I don’t know, love,” he points out and she smiles sheepishly up at him, crinkling her nose.

“Not right now, though."

________

Emma is blaming the warm feeling the tequila shot she did with Luke gave her for her decision to let Calum walk with her back to the rooms. Alone. He just looks so good with the suit jacket and the open buttons that let her almost see the tattoos on his chest and his hair sitting just right, and she just wants to keep looking at him. She might’ve stared at him all night, she’s not sure anymore. 

Calum is walking beside her chatting about something she’s not really paying attention to, she’s just listening to the sound of his voice and watching the way his lips move. That was definitely a bad idea, she can’t be here daydreaming about his lips. She can already see the way this evening ends and at that moment, standing in the hall in front of his door, she doesn’t want to stop it. Not as he searches for his key, or when he bends down to kiss her cheek, or when she throws her arms around his neck, or when somehow they are kissing and moving hastily into the room.

Now she definitely wishes she did stop, laying on his bed, trying to catch her breath and find the best way to get out of the situation she walked herself right into.

Calum is watching her and she's avoiding meeting his gaze as she takes a deep breath and gets out of the bed, searching for her clothes. 

"Love," Calum calls, sitting up in the bed, but she ignores him, pulling her pants up her legs. "Em," he calls again, as she closes her bra, but she keeps looking for her shirt. "Emma," he tries one more time, exasperation in his tone. 

"This was a mistake," she says, pulling her shirt over her head and turning to look at him and finding him, by the other side of the bed, fixing his own shirt. 

"It didn't feel like one," he walks around the bed towards her and she has to fight the urge to step back away from him, but he keeps his distance.

"We can't keep doing this," she shakes her head, maybe to deny things, maybe to help clear her head.

"Why not?" He takes a step closer and she starts looking around again.

"Because we can't," she starts moving across the room to get her shoes, trying to put space between the two of them.

"I love you and you love me, I'm having a hard time figuring out why not," he follows her and she shakes her head, turning to him, and he stops.

"I loved you, past tense," she lies and he huffs.

"You need to stop lying to yourself," Calum scoffs, running his hands through his hair and starting to pace around the room.

"I'm not," she denies, voice an octave too high for it to seem like the truth, as she steps backwards until her back hits the wall across from him.

"I know you are, you know you are, what are you so afraid of?" He asks, slowly moving closer to her as he speaks.

"Are you seriously asking me that? I loved you and you kept leaving me. Without even giving me any sort of explanation. You just disappear. You don't want me. You're gonna change your mind again," she fights, the words coming out of her mouth before she can think too hard about them, and he stops as he realizes what she means, dropping his head.

"How many times do I have to apologize for you to believe me?" He pleads and she presses her lips together.

"I don't want your apologies, I just can't go through that again," she says, looking down at her hands and fidgeting with the bracelet on her wrist.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Heard that before," she says, shooting him an unimpressed look.

"Emma," he says, so softly it's hard for her to hear it.

"I can't do this, Calum," she mumbles, looking back down.

"I love you," he takes a step forward, and the distance between them feels like too much and not enough at the same time.

"I know,” she sighs, meeting his eyes, finding them anxiously looking back at her.

"And?" He pushes, waiting for her to say something else.

"You loved me then and all of that still happened," she explains, trying to keep the rational part of herself in control, she can’t do this because it will end badly, she just knows it.

"I love you," he says, getting closer and she’s getting desperate. She needs to keep breathing and not let her emotions get the best of her. But it's so hard to remember why she needs to do that when he's looking at her like she's the only thing he ever wants to look at.

"Don't," she whimpers, voice so low she's not even sure he heard it 

"I love you," Calum takes another step and it’s getting harder to remember why she can’t just give in.

"Stop," she begs, her hands fisting her hair and she hides her face behind her arms.

"I'm not gonna stop loving you," he tells her and she doesn't know what to do.

"Stop," she mumbles and she doesn’t know if she wants him to stop talking, moving or just making her feel like this.

"You love me," he states and she drops her arms, nodding.

"I know," she breathes, meeting his eyes.

"Then just be with me, dammit."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"I can't."

"Emma," he pleads, but she interrupts him.

"Losing you again will kill me, okay? When you leave me again, it will kill me. I can't risk it. I won't risk being broken like that again," she admits, pressing her lips together. That’s it right? She can’t risk it, there's too much to lose.

"I'm not going anywhere," he says with such confidence, she just wants to believe him.

"I can't."

"I love you," he takes another step towards her.

"Stop saying that," she grunts and buries her face in her hands.

"I won't until you believe me," he tells her and she lets out a humorless chuckle.

"I do believe you, that's the problem."

"Then let me love you," he begs and he's close enough now that, when she looks at him again, she has to crane her neck to meet his eyes.

"No," she whispers, looking down.

"I love you," he says and she shakes her head as he closes the distance between them, she can't risk it.

"I love you."

Why can't she risk it? 

"I love you." 

He's standing a few inches away, way too close for her to keep thinking straight as he takes her face in his hands to force her to look at him. 

"Shut up," she mumbles, his eyes on her making it hard to breathe. Maybe she should risk it.

"I love you," he says, his eyes locked on hers, his breath tickling her face and she just grabs the front of his shirt, pulling him in, kissing him again, his hands still cupping her cheeks, and her hands hanging onto the front of his shirt with much more force than truly necessary. 

Calum's hands move to her waist and he drags her with him as he moves backward until he hits the bed, sitting down and pulling her to his lap. 

She should be thinking about consequences, but there are no other thoughts than the way he is making her feel as he breaks the kiss and starts trailing kisses down her neck, still saying he loves her every time he comes up for air. 

***

“Don’t leave,” Calum says as she shifts her body in the bed, voice slightly panicked.

“I wasn’t going to,” Emma frowns at him, before searching around, “I just want to put a shirt on,” she explains, locating his shirt, slipping it on, and going back to the bed, laying on her side so she could look at him. 

“Okay,” he breathes, shifting to look at her too, “‘cause you keep saying I left you, but keep leaving me too."

“What do you mean?” She asks with a frown.

“You’re never there when I wake up,” he explains. There’s no judgment in his words, he just says it like it's a fact he’s been thinking about for years, but something about his words makes her feel defensive.

“That’s not true.”

“It is, even when we were teens, you always snuck out,” he says, playing with a strand of her hair as she watches him. “You leave before I wake up, you walk away from conversations you don’t wanna have, I know I left the country, but you used to leave me all the time too.” 

“I-” she stutters, blinking at him.

“You never really thought about my side of this, did you?” He asks, and she narrows her eyes at him, thinking, “I know you wanted to hate me, but it’s not like it was always fucked up. And it wasn’t all bad, sometimes it’s like you don’t remember the good days, we didn’t fight like this before."

"Yeah, that’s because we didn't talk about feelings, I'm pretty sure the fights would happen if we had talked about it."  

"Maybe we should've," he says, looking at her intently, and something about his voice makes her look away, turning so she would be on her back, looking at the ceiling.

"We wouldn't still be together, you know that right?"

"Why not?" Calum asks and she sighs before glancing at him.

"For the exact reason you picked a fight and told me we were nothing," she shrugs, looking back at the ceiling.

"I never said we were nothing," he defends himself and she chuckles.

“Okay, sure, I think you just asked why it had to be anything.”

“I only said that-” he starts, but she interrupts him, looking at him.

“To get me to let you go, I know,” she says, with a laugh, and he gives her an unimpressed look, ”but we were kids, we wouldn't have made it and you knew it. Now I know it too, everything would’ve gotten in the way anyway," she shrugs, sitting up and running a hand through her hair.

"But-"

"It's nice to imagine," she sighs, picking at the hem of the shirt. 

"Yeah, but I wish-"

"No, Cal, at sixteen you chose the career,” she shakes her head, looking at him when he sits up beside her, “you did the right thing, you just should've been nicer about it." 

"But maybe there was something we could've done." 

"We wouldn't have made it anyway," she says, propping her chin on her hand as she leans into her knee, studying him as he moves closer to her.

"Is this why you're avoiding talking to me about us? 'Cause you still don't think we can make it?" He asks, his hand moving to her thigh and she takes it, holding his hand between both of hers, bringing their linked fingers to her cheek and leaning into it.

"I think that there's a lot of hurt between the two of us and I don't know how to fix it," she says, rubbing circles in the back of his hand.  

"But I love you," he says and she looks at him.

"So you've told me," she chuckles.

"And you love me," he adds and she drops their hands to her lap.

"That I do," she sighs, looking down, chewing on her bottom lip while she plays with his fingers.

"So I don't see what's stopping us.” Calum’s body is pressed to Emma’s side now and she can’t help but lean into him.

"It's because I love you that I can't do this."  

"So you're just gonna keep ending up in my bed while you're in denial?" He asks, and she turns to him.

"That's not fair.” 

"I can't stay away from you and you keep coming back to me-” he starts and she groans, dropping back and throwing her arms over her face.

“Because nothing can make me feel the way you do.” 

“Then why can't you just let me try?" Calum asks, gently moving her arms from her face so he could look at her.

"Because you'll break my heart again." 

"You can't know that."

"But I do."

"And you could break mine," he's watching her with soft brown eyes, "but we gotta take a chance 'cause I'm not going anywhere," he says, with so much certainty it makes her smile, but she presses her lips together, shaking her head.

“But I can't do this if I'm convinced you're going to change your mind again, can I?" She asks, propping herself on her elbows.

"I never really changed my mind.”

"Well, you would've had to make up your mind to change it," she says, sitting back up, patting his tight, and he frowns at her.

"That's-" 

"Mean, yeah, but true. After you left, you were the one that needed to do something. You stayed away. You ignored me because you didn't know what you wanted from me."

“I wanted things to be easier," he says and she chuckles.

"Me, but without the complications?"

"I guess."

"And that's why we wouldn't have made it. I don't think we could've worked around the problems, I don't know if we can do it now when we're not two teenagers who don't know any better," she mumbles, hugging her knees to her chest, resting her cheek on her arm so she could look at him.

"And you don't even wanna try?" 

"Look, I love you, but I’m terrified, of everything that went wrong, everything that can go wrong, I don't know if you noticed but we've been through a lot," she jokes, making him huff out a laugh.

“But we can do it this time.” 

“Can we? Do you really believe that?"

"I do." He says the words with so much certainty, she wants to believe him.

"But I'm not there yet, and I can't be always ready for the worst, can I?" She sighs and he reaches for her hands, pulling her towards him and she lets him, settling in his lap, knees on each side of him, hands on his chest to steady herself while one of his hands cups her cheek, his thumb moving soothingly across it and she leans into his touch.  

"What can I do?" Calum asks and she scrunches her nose, looking sheepish.  

"I don't know,” she says and he laughs, dropping his forehead to hers, and his hands to her hips, “but I need more time."

“Time?” He asks, and she nods, arms moving around his neck.

“Time.”

"Not in stay away way, but we can figure it out way?" He asks, looking hopeful and she chuckles, nodding. “I can work with that,” he grins, leaning in so he could kiss her.

______

The buzzing wakes Emma up but she's so comfortable she doesn't want to move, so she just ignores it and cuddles closer to the warmth beside her. When it stops she's suddenly very aware of the arms tightening around her and where she is. 

The buzzing starts again and Calum moves under her, reaching for his phone, looking at the caller before ignoring the call, putting the phone down, and pulling her closer to him. 

She barely closes her eyes again when there’s a knock on the door.

"Go away," Calum grunts, throwing his arm over his face when a voice calls his name.

"Is that Ash?" She asks, turning to look at him.

"I think so, but we don't have anything scheduled this early," he answers, checking the clock on the bedside table as she gets up, closing more buttons on the shirt as she looks around for her clothes.

"You need to answer and I need to get out of here," she says, pulling her pants up her legs and moving around to get her stuff.

"Emma," he says, sounding exasperated and she turns to him, finding him watching her. 

"We can fight later, he obviously needs you," she chuckles as his phone starts ringing again and he stares blankly at her. She picks up her shoes and moves to the door, turning back at Calum, still standing there looking helpless.

She opens the door, to find Ashton still in sleeping clothing and, much to her surprise, Michael, looking half asleep, before widening his eyes at the girl. She can imagine how it looks, she’s wearing Calum’s shirt, barefoot, her stuff bundled in her hands and it takes everything in her not to cringe.

"Em," Ashton says, blinking at her.

"Morning, guys," she mumbles, "he's in there," she adds, pointing behind her and moving past them, feeling her cheeks heat up and cursing under her breath.

"Do you need me now?" She hears Michael whispering as she searches for the keys to her room and Ashton whispering back "go," when she finally puts it to the door.

"Trouble," Michael calls for her, and she sighs.

"Come on in," she answers, moving into the room and holding the door for him to follow her. When he does, she closes the door and drops her shoes beside it while Michael is watching her carefully.

"Go ahead," she says, sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing her face before looking at him.

"What?" Michael frowns, moving closer to her.

"Ask,” she sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Are you two together?" He asks, sitting down beside her.

"No," she shakes her head and he continues to frown.

"You just slept together?"

"Yes," she sighs, looking down.

"How many times has this happened?" He asks, and she looks at him, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Do you mean recently or just in general?" She says, sarcastically, rolling her eyes at him.

"I'm just confused," he says, apologetically.

"Well, that makes two of us, babe," she shrugs, dropping back into the bed, and throwing her arms across her face.

"Are you okay?" He asks, turning so he could look at her.

"No," she groans, threading her fingers through her hair and tugging at her scalp. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks and she drops her arms, crossing them across her chest.

"I don't know."

"Do you know anything?" He laughs and she sits up.

"No," she sighs, running a hand through her hair, "I love him, M," she admits, feeling defeated.

"That's been obvious for a while now," he agrees, studying her.

"But I don't know how to believe he's telling me the truth when he says he loves me."

"Well," he starts, and she can tell Michael's about to defend Calum and she shakes her head, interrupting him.

"Don't, even you told me he doesn't know what he wants, and you know him better than I do.”

"Yeah, I did say that, but a lot has happened since," he says, and she considers his words, before pressing her palms to her cheeks.

"He'll change his mind, I just know it," she says and he raises an eyebrow at her.

"Do you know it or are you just scared?" 

"Does it matter? I can't do this if I'm waiting for him to bolt at any second without any warning."

"But you're still fucking him?" He asks, giving her an unimpressed look.

"It's not my fault, we're hanging, suddenly we're fighting, then he says he loves me, and the next thing I know I can't find my shirt," she says, dramatically motioning to her chest, Calum's shirt around her helping her make her point.

"Maybe you two should try to take a step back and, I don't know, be friends for a while?"

"I don't even know what being friends with him looks like, M," she shrugs, laughing and shaking her head and he seems to agree with her.

"And he's not gonna back down." 

"Yeah, I don't think so either, and that's the worst part, you know? He stands there, saying that loves me, that he won't stop saying it until I believe him. What the hell do I do with an I love you now?” She asks, sounding frustrated, motioning helplessly around her, “It doesn't change anything, none of the bad things, It doesn't change the fact that he didn't want to want me and that's all I can think about when I look at him right now.”

“What do you mean he didn’t want to want you?” He asks, cocking his head at her and she turns, tucking her leg under her, looking at him intently.

“Okay, so here’s the thing, if he is telling the truth, and he loves me, and he always has loved me, that means all of this is just because he decided that he didn’t want to want me. And I get the choice he had to make, and I do think he chose the right thing, but he didn’t really didn’t have to go about it that way, did he?” 

“Yeah, no he didn’t.”

“And last year, last year wasn’t about your career, he didn’t have to leave that away again, but he did it anyway, so now my brain it's just he doesn't want you, he'll leave again and I can't turn it off. Kay didn't leave my house for a week last time, because she was scared of what I would do if she left me alone. And it's ridiculous. He's just a guy. But I want this so badly. And every time I let myself feel this, I'm in another wave of desperation. I don't wanna be ready for the worst all the time. I can't be ready for the worst all the time,” she stops, blowing out a puff of air and she can actually feel some of the frustration leaving her body, and Michael looks amused by her for a second, before giving her a serious look.

"No, you can't, but fucking him with no strings attached it's not gonna help either," he says and she chuckles.

"There are strings attached, my sanity slowly fading away," she jokes and he laughs.

"Good to know you can still joke about it."

"It's that or admitting how fucked this is so…"

"So you do know this is fucked," he says and she nods. 

"Of course I do, but I can't stop doing it anyway," she says, running a hand through her hair.

"Him," he teases, a grin on his face and she huffs, shoving his shoulder.

"I hate you.” 

"You love me," he says and she rolls her eyes, affectionately.

"What the hell do I do M?" She asks, suddenly serious.

"You tell him this," he says, motioning around them.

"I did," she says, pressing her lips together.

"With your clothes on," he says, and she frowns at him.

"Very funny," she pouts, and he shakes his head. 

"I'm serious, take a step back and figure out what you want before you end up hurting yourself even more."

__________

Emma stared at the door that led to the roof for a very long time before finding the courage to follow Calum out there. She went up the stairs, stopping a few steps before it ended, and found him leaning against the railing and looking out at the city, a half-burned cigarette in his hand. She watches as he breathes it in and lets out a cloud of smoke a few times, still not sure if she shouldn’t just turn around and not do this when he glances back and sees her. She holds his gaze, moving closer to him while he puts the cigarette out.

"Can we talk?" She asks, leaning on the railing too, leaving a few feet between them making him frown at her.

"Yeah, sure," he replies, sounding concerned.

"But I need you to listen," she tells him, and he cocks his head, confused.

"I always listen."

"No, I need you to listen and I need you to understand that I'm not trying to attack you," she explains and the confusion on his face grows.

"What?"

"I need you to understand that I'm not trying to be mean or hurt you, and I need you to listen before you say something," she finishes, looking up at him expectantly and he blinks at her a couple of times.

"Okay?" He agrees, turning to her and leaning his hip to the railing, crossing his arms in front of his chest, while she looks forward, at the skyline, so she wouldn’t see his face once she started talking. 

"Loving you feels like drowning sometimes," she says, closing her eyes.

"That's not," he starts to protest, but she groans, looking at him.

"Calum, please,” she pleads and he nods for her to continue. “All those years ago, I had no idea how deep my feelings were. I know I said I loved you but I didn't fully understand that yet. Not until I walked away from you after you said it didn't mean anything more. You ripped me apart that day. And I went through it for way too long because I didn’t want to deal with it, so I just avoided it, and even though at that point we hadn't talked for years maybe, I still thought about you every day,” she gives him a pressed-lips smile, “my instinct was to try and reach you even though you weren't there anymore. But I got good at denial. I got good at ignoring the instinct, turning it in another direction. Until you were standing in front of me.” She looks away from him, out at the city below them, hands grabbing hold of the railing and leaning back, trying not to shut down and stop talking.

“That day at that club, I was drowning. Seeing you was like having waves crash over my head and I couldn't breathe. And I know you noticed it. And I know you knew it was about you,” she glances at him and he gives her a small nod, studying her, but she looks away again. “That phone call, we were just joking around like we used to, was the first time I could breathe properly since you didn't say goodbye to me. But I still couldn't be around you without feeling like it would rip me apart. Even when we agreed to be friends again, it was still taking everything in me to just exist without thinking about how much I wanted you back. And that's dumb because I never really had you.” She sighs, turning around, leaning her back into the railing, and crossing her arms in front of her chest, chewing on her bottom lip before looking at him.

“Not back then, not last year. And that made me feel like I had no right to feel what I was feeling. But I loved you. And I knew you loved me but you were too stubborn to admit it. So I had every right to be angry at you for not wanting me back. I had every right to hate you for not being honest with me. I had every right to feel like my life was falling apart after you left me. Again.” She shrugs, dropping her hands, and he reaches for her hand, stepping closer to her, and she turns to him.

“And I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm a mess, and I shut down and I walk away and I'm kinda crazy and too much to handle sometimes,” she chuckles, scrunching her nose, and his eyes soften watching her, “but when I let my guard down, when I stop fighting the tide, when I let myself feel all that I feel for you, it feels like I'm drowning. And I don't know how not to feel this way. But I also don't have the strength to stay away from you. Especially when you're looking at me like looking at me is all you ever want to do,” Emma laughs, and so does Calum when she motions vaguely to his face, “I love you. And I desperately want to let you in all the way. But every time you say you love me, I hear no deeper meaning to it. And that's unfair to you. So I go back to denial. I go back to pretending everything is fine even though I know I'm not fooling anyone. But I can't turn it off. Not any more than I can't stop ending up in your bed. And that's not fair to either of us. And I'm just making things messier by not telling you. So I'm telling you. I don't know how to believe you're not gonna walk out the door. I'm trying, I swear, but it's hard, ‘cause I feel like I'm crazy for wanting this if I know it’s gonna end like it always does." She finally stops, letting out a shaky breath and he squeezes her hand. 

"Can I say something now?” He asks and she nods, “I didn't plan on leaving like that after you told me how you feel but everything about the way it happened was overwhelming. And I didn't plan for things to go as far as they did last year. And you're right, I did love you and didn't want to admit it. Because of this. At first, because I was leaving, then it was the hotel rooms and the months away at the time. But I always looked for you when I could. Most times I even knew I shouldn't. But I was good at pretending it wasn't there. I think sometimes I was a little too good at turning it all off,” he admits, and she purses her lips, nodding slightly.

"And I kept rationalizing the leaving and the staying away, I kept thinking about the damage I’d done. Last year I felt like I had made things so much worse because there I was leaving again and you were sitting in the passenger seat and you had this empty look on your face,” he says, sad eyes looking at her while his knuckles lightly trace her jaw, “and I couldn’t do anything about it, all I could do was get angry with myself because there I was breaking you again. I hate how much I’ve hurt you, love. But I would get stuck in my head and repeat that it was for the best so many times I started to believe it," Calum pauses, taking her hand and threading their fingers together.

"Even though I didn’t really, ‘cause I would sit at that beach thinking about you, hoping you would just walk by, I would wait for you to post a song so I could find out if you were angry, or sad, or if you missed me too much to feel anything else like I did sometimes. I would read the things you wrote before everything went wrong and just wonder how we got here and how I wished we could go back there. And I know how not fair to you the way I’d show up, but it was like something was pulling me. The first time I ran into you after all that, I didn’t even want to go to that club, but I felt like I had to, and when I saw you, all the effort I had put into staying away was nothing. I just had to find a way to fix things somehow. It was like there was something drawing me to you, drawing us together." He says, raising their linked hands, using that to pull her closer and she raises an eyebrow at him, an amused smile on her face.

"A higher force pulling us together seems excessive don't you think?"

"Come on, what are the odds that in the first time we're in the same town at the same time in years we end up at the same place?" He asks, raising an eyebrow at her and she laughs.

"That doesn't mean-"

"You're telling me you don't feel it too?" He asks an intense look in his eyes before she can finish.

"Oh, I do, but that doesn't mean I don't think it's crazy," she giggles, patting his chest, and he holds her hand there.

“Crazy it’s a bit harsh,” he pouts, and she shoots him a grin, dropping her hand to her side.

“I’m just being realistic, babe,” she shrugs but he shakes his head.

“We don’t need realistic, love.”

“No?”

“No, I need you to take a leap of faith.”

“A leap of faith?” Emma asks, tilting her head slightly and he nods.

“It’s all I need, a chance,” he says, his hands grabbing her waist and pulling her flush against him.

“But what if-” she starts, looking up at him, but he interrupts her.

“Things can always go wrong.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” She frowns and he laughs.

“I’m just saying we can stay here discussing what could go wrong forever, or we could take a chance.”

“That easy?”

“Yes, ‘cause you if you give me a chance I’m not letting you down again,” he declares, so confident it makes her smile.

“That’s a bold statement, Hood, you can’t promise me that,” she shakes her head, and he nods.

“I can promise you that I’m not leaving again, I would just come back anyway.”

“The coming back part I believe,” she grants, laughing.

“What do I have to do for you to believe the not leaving part?” He asks and she frowns, considering his words.

“Not leave?”

“That means you’re letting me try?” He asks, hope lighting up his eyes while she narrows her eyes at him.

“If you break my heart, I’m not forgiving you again,” she tells him and he shakes his head.

“I won’t.”

“And if you-”

“Emma.” The way he says her name makes her stop talking.

“What?”

“Don’t overthink this, just trust me-” he asks and she smiles.

“Okay,” she says but he doesn't seem to process what she said for a second.

“-‘Cause I just, wait did you just say okay?” Calum asks and she chuckles.

“Yeah, you want a chance? I’m giving it to you,” she says, throwing her arms around his neck, and she had barely just finished speaking when he leans down, capturing her lips with his own. She half expects the kiss to feel different somehow, but as her heart thunders in her chest, it feels like the lazy afternoons they shared when they were younger, no urgency, because it’s hard to worry when Calum’s smiling against her lips, making the kiss messy as she giggles.

“Calum,” she pulls back, looking up at him.

“Yeah?" He says, a dopey grin on his face as he drops his forehead to hers.

“Please don’t make me regret this,” she begs and he shakes his head.

“I won’t, I promise,” he says, kissing her again, and she lets herself believe him. "Emma?" He adds, pulling away so he could look at her.

"Yeah?" She asks, meeting his eyes and he grins at her.

"I love you," he tells her and she scrunches her nose, mock-considering his words.

"I may like you a little bit," she teases, and he gives her a pointed look, his hands moving to poke her sides and she squirms away from him, laughing, 'I love you too, you know that," she says after a beat, and she's rewarded with a smile she swears could light up the night sky. "We should go back down,” she says, taking his hand, pulling him back to the stair.

“Okay, but you’re staying with me tonight,” he says, squeezing her hands and following her.

“I am?” She chuckles, looking at him as they go down the steps.

“Didn’t you get the whole I’m not letting you go again thing?” He asks, making her laugh.

___________ 

Emma can feel Michael periodically watching her but she continues to ignore him, focusing on the prep work, they do need to get through soundcheck, even though she knows he just wants confirmation. It's not like she stopped smiling since she woke up, wrapped around Calum, making her feel like she was still dreaming, before suddenly being hit with the realization that it was real. That thought alone had permanently etched a smile into her face.

If she’s being honest that freaked her out, how easy it was for Calum to make her feel like that, but every time her thoughts moved to a darker path, she would let her eyes find him, finding an easy smile on his face that could erase every doubt from her mind. A few times he caught her watching him and he shot her a wink or a grin and she felt like she would melt into a puddle. 

They're set up and by a miracle ahead of schedule when she gets called down, and she doesn't think anything of the situation until she walks into their dressing room and finds nothing wrong, just Michael waiting for her.

"Did you fake an issue to get me here? Really?" She asks, laughing and leaning into the doorway.

"That way you wouldn't have an excuse to not come," he shrugs and she cocks her head at him.

"I'm here, so what's up?" She asks, crossing her arms across her chest.

"I just wanna ask you something," he says, narrowing his eyes at her and she nods.

"Okay, what?" She asks, moving closer to him, but before he can ask, she feels a hand on the small of her back.

"Oh, hey, love," Calum says, kissing the side of her head, before walking around her, moving to get something from his bag and Michael raises an eyebrow at her. Not that she notices, she's too busy watching Calum move away from her.

"Yeah, no, I don't need to ask," Michael laughs and Emma looks back at him, shaking her head.

"What?" She asks, frowning at him.

"I was gonna ask if something happened, 'cause you can stop smiling," he points at her, "and he's been giggling like an idiot all day," Michael points at Calum, that turns back to look at them, "but you're looking at him like he hung the moon and he looks lovestruck, so I don't need to ask," he teases and Emma rolls her eyes at him, while Calum moves back to where she's standing.

"I can look at my girlfriend however the fuck I want," Calum says, emphasizing the word girlfriend in a way it makes her heart flutter, wrapping an arm around her waist, pulling her closer and she leans into him, feeling her heart speed up and her smile is so big her cheeks hurt, while Michael grins at the two of them.

"His girlfriend? For real?" He asks, and Emma shrugs, noncommittally, glancing at Calum, who's smiling warmly at her before looking at Michael.

"I guess I am," she laughs, and Michael seems relieved, looking between the two of them as if considering what to say.

"Fucking finally."

___________

taglist: @lxnelyhearrt @larryologymajor

This part had a shitton of alternative titles because I couldn't for the life of me find the right one, so here are some of them "maybe I just wanna be, be the person that you just can't lose..." from this love by Camila Cabello, "alone was never easy after you..." from never bloom again by waterparks and "Are you mine or my blind spot?" from blind spot by Maddie Zahm.

Some self-promo, if you liked this you may also like this other fic I've been posting, you can find it here.

[princessconsuelapark]

my ultimate Sam and Dean are soulmates playlist | 61 songs, 3 hr 59 min

I started putting this together over my summer SPN re-watch, and I thought I'd share it with you all, so we can all cry over our Wincest feels together. It has all the usual cliché songs, and some of my own favourites. (Very country-heavy, so if that's not your thing proceed with caution.) I'm a writer, so lyrics are very important to me - I linked them for every song. All songs are individually YouTube linked, alternatively you can find the Spotify version above. I included some comments and explanations for all my choices, as well as quotes from the show. Happy listening! | Last updated: 18 November 2020

Carry On My Wayward Son by Supernatural: The Musical Cast // lyrics // Cliché and all that, but a good place to start.

Somewhere Only We Know by Lily Allen // lyrics // Even as children - as tumultuous and layered their relationship has always been - it was just the two of them, alone, in their own little world. I Found by Amber Run // lyrics // I found love where it wasn't supposed to be.

Fade Into You by Mazzy Star // lyrics // Unhealthily codependent Weecest vibes.

I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Monkeys // lyrics // Secrets I have held in my heart / Are harder to hide than I thought. Something's Gotta Give by Christian Kane // lyrics // Wanting to get out of town as a metaphor for Dean wanting to act on his feelings for Sam? Yes, please. Christian Kane being a country god? Absolutely. The fact that this man was actually on SPN as Dean’s freaking love interest, and Jensen and him got to sing together still makes me the happiest person on this planet.

Don't You Wanna Fall by Frankie Ballard // lyrics // So, I love the lines Fall down here where an angel should know better than / To walk around this world with me, because god, Dean so often thinks he belongs in Hell, and is terrified of forcing his little brother into anything he doesn’t want. But still, he can’t stop himself: Don’t you wanna fall? (Shoutout to any Destiel shippers out there, because what a perfect song for you guys too, wow.) Thinking of You by Christian Kane // lyrics // Dean, just before Sam leaves for Stanford. (Link is for the Leverage version, because I love that show, and because Eliot Spencer is an angel. Funnily enough, Alona Tal was actually in that very episode, and did actually sing this song - you can find that here.) Hold On by Limp Bizkit // lyrics // I'm waiting for you, I know you're leaving / I'll still adore you, you never need me. LOST BOY by Troye Sivan // lyrics // Thinking about little Sammy’s stolen college admissions guide. Arms of a Stranger by Niall Horan // lyrics // Some jealous!Dean, while Sam is at Stanford angst.

Walking Away by Lifehouse // lyrics // Silence is all we have to give / And the memories of a life I wish we'd lived.

San Francisco by Niall Horan // lyrics // Listen, it’s a song about pining and not being able to let go and love in San Francisco. I mean, where do you expect my mind to go? Stanford Wincest all the way. How Did You Know? by Jedward // lyrics // I don’t wanna hear a bad word about Jedward, they are good lads. It’s a cheesy song, but hey, I love it. Sam comes back. Well, here I am / I couldn't stay gone. Drive by Halsey // lyrics // All we do is drive / All we do is think about the feelings that we hide. And the California never felt like home to me line! So perfect. "We made a hell of a team back there." (01x01 Pilot) Belong by X Ambassadors // lyrics // This is where Sam belongs, really. Riding shotgun, in his brother’s car, on the open road. Link is a fanvid that makes me feel things. Go and watch it, because it’s everything.

You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol // lyrics // “Sam, you were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life.” (01x11 Scarecrow) Do the things that you always wanted to / Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do.

Big Black Car by Gregory Alan Isakov // lyrics // "Who was that?" "My brother." "What did he say?" "Goodbye." That soft, disbelieving, confused look on Sam's face when Dean tells him he's proud of him. When it turns out Dean loves him enough to let him go. It should make him feel happy and free, it should make him loathe his childhood, defiance should fill him to the brim. Instead it makes him run straight back to Dean. (01x11 Scarecrow) Hey Brother by Avicii // lyrics // Faith. (01x12) Link is a fanvid, because reasons. Oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you / There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do. Sober Me Up by Frankie Ballard // lyrics // Sam always seems to make the world all fall into place. (Sort of 02x03 Bloodlust vibes?) But baby when you kiss me all the demons seem to disappear.

Always Gold by Radical Face // lyrics // “Killing this demon comes first, before me, before everything.” “No, sir. Not before everything.” (02x07 The Usual Suspects) And they said you were the crooked kind / And that you'd never have no worth / But you were always gold to me. Sold My Soul by Zakk Wylde // lyrics // Bit on the nose, but my god, how fucking real. (02x22 All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2) Let Me Sign by Kirk Matthews // lyrics // "Well, then let it end!" & "I'm gonna take care of you." (02x22 All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2) Follow You by Bring Me The Horizon // lyrics // “I mean, you sacrifice everything for me.  Don’t you think I’d do the same for you? You’re my big brother. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” (02x22 All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2) Say Something by A Great Big World // lyrics // "I just wish you'd drop the show and be my brother again. Cause... just cause." (03x07 Fresh Blood) Take Me To Church by Hozier // lyrics // “This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? […] Dean’s your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too.” (03x11 Mystery Spot) Outlaws of Love by Adam Lambert // lyrics // "You're my weak spot. And I'm yours." (03x16 No Rest for the Wicked) Everywhere we go we're looking for the sun / Nowhere to grow old, we're always on the run / They say we'll rot in Hell, but I don't think we will / They've branded us enough, "Outlaws of Love". Wanted Dead Or Alive by Bon Jovi // lyrics // Well, I had to include this one, for obvious reasons. (03x16 No Rest for the Wicked) In Other Words by Ben Kweller // lyrics // Dean's going to Hell. Sam's not okay. In his eyes I see the fear. Real With Me by Cady Groves // lyrics // Dean is not dealing well with remembering Hell. Sam is upset that he's not opening up. And it was never about what you were not / But I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Devil's Backbone by The Civil Wars // lyrics // None of it matters. Leaving for Stanford, choosing Ruby, the demon blood, that he’s Hell’s chosen. Dean will always come for his brother, no matter what.   Stay by Florida Georgia Line // lyrics // Sam leaves. It's fucked up. "Hey, you, uh... wanna take the Impala?" Dean doesn’t trust him, not like he used to, but he would say anything to make him stay. (05x02 Good God, Y’all) Hotel Room by Calum Scott // lyrics // They die in a motel room. They find out they share a Heaven. Sam can't find the words to explain. He wishes Dean would just give him time. (05x04 The End) So I kind of wrote a ficlet about this...? Read it if you fancy. Here Tonight by Brett Young // lyrics // The Wincestiest Wincest song to ever Wincest. The lyrics! Sometimes they can just take a minute to sit on the hood of the Impala and watch the stars, Apocalypse be damned.

I Hold On by Dierks Bentley // lyrics // “Sam, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here, I’m here. I’m not gonna leave you.” (05x22 Swan Song) Dean believes in his brother, and I’m a sucker for pick-up truck metaphors Lifeboats by Snow Patrol // lyrics // The look on Dean's face when he hugs Sam, when he realises that Sam's back, that he's alive. (06x01 Exile on Main St.) Potentially also some Purgatory vibes. Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones // lyrics // The moment Sam turned up on his doorstep, there was no question he'd choose him. Choose him over Lisa and Ben. Choose him over everyone. “But the minute he walked through that door, I knew. It was over. You two have the most unhealthy, tangled-up, crazy thing I've ever seen. And as long as he's in your life, you're never gonna be happy.” (06x06 You Can’t Handle The Truth) Heavydirtysoul by twenty one pilots // lyrics // “Pick one... Sam’s soul or Adam’s.” “Sam.” (06x11 Appointment in Samarra)

H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line // lyrics // Oh, this song. A bit of religious irony and whatnot, but my god. The lyrics are everything. You're the healing hands where it used to hurt immediately makes me think of how Dean helped Sam turn the pain from his scar on his palm into “stone number one, and build on it”. (07x02 Hello, Cruel World) I mean, Sam can't even tell what's real anymore, but he trusts his brother. Blindly and with everything he has, because that's who he is. But then there’s also Dean making his promise in the church, and Sam choosing him over dying in 09x01 (I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here). God. Just. I love this song for Sam and Dean.

Through The Dark by One Direction // lyrics // "We'll figure it out, okay? Just like we always do." (08x23 Sacrifice) Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park // lyrics // Sam is okay with sacrificing himself. He is ready to die. When my time comes / Forget the wrong that I've done. Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance // lyrics // “There is nothing, past or present, that I would put in front of you... I need you to see that." (08x23 Sacrifice) Okay, but look at the lyrics, and try and convince me this song is not about Sam and Dean. Love Will Tear Us Apart by Fall Out Boy // lyrics // "You wanna know what I confessed in there?" (08x23 Sacrifice) TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan // lyrics // The look in Sam’s eyes changes, his face falls. "How do I stop?" He chooses Dean like he always does. (08x23 Sacrifice) Brother by Kodaline // lyrics // “Come on. You and Dean? That’s something special, don’t you think?” (09x08 Rock and a Hard Place) Link is a gorgeous fanvid, go watch it and cry. Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons // lyrics // Dean really messed up this time. Gadreel fall out stuff. Sam breaks up with him in a motel car park in Wisconsin. (09x12 Sharp Teeth)

better off by Jeremy Zucker & Chelsea Cutler // lyrics // "Something's broken here, Dean." (09x12 Sharp Teeth) & "No, Dean, I wouldn't." (09x13 The Purge)

I Can't Go On Without You by KALEO // lyrics // Sam taking Dean’s body home, laying him on his bed, drinking by himself in the dark. (09x23 Do You Believe in Miracles) I Won't Give Up by Noah Guthrie // lyrics // "I am going to save my brother." (10x01 Black) Sam never gives up on Dean. Brother by NEEDTOBREATHE ft. Gavin DeGraw // lyrics // “I never even said thank you, so…” “You don’t ever have to say that, not to me.” (10x04 Paper Moon) Link is another beautiful fanvid, because I can’t help myself. Sittin' Pretty by Florida Georgia Line // lyrics // Sam's sunshine and he’s endless planes of warm skin, soft long hair, and sometimes Dean looks at him. Really looks at him. (No, okay, but the Chevy line really made it for me.) Blood Brothers by Luke Bryan // lyrics // "I don’t need a symbol to remind me how I feel about my brother.” and "The two of us against the world!” "What she said.” (10x05 Fan Fiction) I don’t know, country songs just make me think of Sam and Dean, okay.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Daniela Andrade // lyrics // “This is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother. And if he’s gone, then I don’t…” (10x18 Book of the Damned)

Golden by Fall Out Boy // lyrics // Dean is so so broken. “No, there is no other way, Sam. I’m sorry.” (10x23 Brother’s Keeper)

Church by Fall Out Boy // lyrics // This whole song screams Sam and Dean to me, and initially I thought of Sam’s Wall breaking down, but then I got stuck on the lines And if death is the last appointment / Then we're all just sitting in the waiting room / I am just a human trying to avoid my certain doom and that’s so clearly Dean killing Death, unable to murder his little brother in the end, because his devotion to Sam runs too deep. (10x23 Brother’s Keeper) In which the SPN writers and Pete Wentz really should get together and discuss over-the-top religious imagery. You are doomed but just enough. Right Back Home by Lifehouse // lyrics // “We are home.“ (11x04 Baby) Be There by Seafret // lyrics // "Bring him back. Bring him back and take me instead." (11x17 Red Meat)  You're my way out / You're my way through / And I can't, I can't / Be without you.

Only the Brave by Louis Tomlinson // lyrics // “I need him, he needs me.“ (11x23 Alpha and Omega) With or Without You by U2 // lyrics // The absolute poetic tragedy of 12x09 (First Blood). The way they don’t even have time to really look at each other after six weeks apart, that they are both ready to die for each other without a moment of hesitation.

I Won't Mind by ZAYN // lyrics // “I'm good with who I am. I'm good with who you are. Because our lives? They're ours and maybe I'm too damn old to want to change that.” (14x13 Lebanon)

Fine Line by Harry Styles // lyrics // "Just us.” (15x19 Inherit the Earth)

[sinsbymanka]

Hello!! It is @rare-egg-hunt month which means we are officially celebrating all our Solas rare pairs!

If you're following this blog you may be somewhat aware I've been "painting" my eggs all through March. Starting next Monday I'm going to be pushing out a multichaptered story built around 12 of the prompts from the Rare Egg Hunt. It's called Cheating the Dread Wolf and will focus on the post-Trespasser love story of Maria Cadash, Solas, and Varric Tethras.

Maria Cadash hung up the Inquisitor's mantle for the Viscountess' crown, but she's unable to stop her desperate and impossible struggle to stop Fen'Harel from destroying the world both her husband and daughter inhabit. The fact Varric, Maria, and Solas are all madly in love with each other just means she may have enough of an edge to win this game.

In other words, everyone is poly and happy but first there's some shit they've gotta go through. I promise there will be angst, fluff, smut, dad Varric, dad Solas, and mama Cadash. Plus an absolutely ADORABLE baby as a treat.

I also have a playlist to go with it! Here's a list of all my songs and why I've picked them as a sneak peek!

Things That Stop You Dreaming by Passenger

If you can't be what you want You learn to be the things you're not If you can't get what you need You learn to need the things that stop you dreaming Oh the things that stop you dreaming

The PINING at the beginning of this story is outrageous. It is honestly a sequel to two fics, the first of which was written by the lovely @blarfkey who inspired, enable, and beta'd this entire project. (seriously. It would never have happened without her and I owe her so much for the idea and the love she's poured into it alongside me).

The two fics can be found in the series Three Liars Mend Broken Hearts on AO3. It shows the way Solas and Maria can't seem to stay away from each other and the ill advised sexy times that happens as a result (yes these are both smut with plot and feelings). So by the time we start Cheating the Dread Wolf they've already acted on their feelings even though they shouldn't and they're all a bit of a mess.

Rest of the playlist below!

Never Really Over by Katy Perry 

Two years, and just like that, my head still takes me back Thought it was done, but I guess it's never really over Oh, we were such a mess, but wasn't it the best? Thought it was done, but I guess it's never really over

I revisit the theme of not being able to let go and move on a lot in this story - in both good and bad ways. Varric, in particular, is completely unwilling to give up on Solas no matter what. Solas is unable to let go of his past. Maria can’t let go of her distrust. It’s all a mess.

Power Over Me by Dermot Kennedy

So we hide away and never tell You decide, if darkness knows you well That lesson of love, all that it was I need you to see You got that power over me

This is such a good smut song. I will live and die on this hill. It’s on my smut playlist too. ANYWAY. This is a good song for Maria and Solas. Also. Smut. 

That Man by Caro Emerald

Ooh that man is like a flame And ooh that man plays me like a game My only sin is I can't win Ooh I wanna love that man

This is a recommendation from @blarfkey and is the quintessential Varric romance song. I picked this one for a very specific chapter where Varric in effect tricks Solas into a tea party with him and Varric and Maria’s daughter. 

Hold My Girl by George Ezra

I've got time, I've got love Got confidence you'll rise above Give me a minute to hold my girl Give me a minute to hold my girl

This is actually for a chapter that mostly focuses on parenthood and how it brings our trio together. It’s very angsty and heartwrenching and I love it so much. 

You are the Reason by Calum Scott

I don't wanna hide no more I don't wanna cry no more Come back I need you to hold me (You are the reason) Be a little closer now Just a little closer now Come a little closer I need you to hold me tonight

This is THE OT3 song and the unofficial theme song of this fucking fic. I have listened to it on repeat more than anything else on this playlist. 

Me and the Devil by the Fratellis

Tell one last beautiful lie for me Make all your promises rhyme for me Keep me in line but do it honestly Make it real, make it slow, stay alive for me Come on, babe where the line goes dead I'll be fire, I'll be rain, I'll be joy, I'll be dread Come on, baby don't be shy All I want is you and I Out on the street I'll be every face There'll be no man alive That can take my place

This song just gives me Solas related chills. I cannot with it. These two verses in particular scream Varric, Solas, and Maria. This is also on the playlist at approximately the part of the story where shit starts going down. Also another @blarfkey recommendation. 

Move by Saint Motel

This girl, this beautiful girl, with eyes the size of the o-o-ocean. This man, this dutiful man, he's got these mixed up emo-o-o-tions. I want it, can't have it. Oh I can hardly stand it. Oh what's a man to do... Gotta get up, I gotta get up. Move!

A recent addition to this playlist thanks to @paisleybees who sent this to me as I was writing a chapter that fit it PERFECTLY. I actually picture it as a Varric/Solas song for this work. 

Monster by Paramore

I'll stop the whole world, I'll stop the whole world From turning into a monster and eating us alive Don't you ever wonder how we survive? Well now that you’re gone, the world is ours

Another “shit is getting real” song and another @blarfkey recommendation. This is a McFighterson Cadash song for sure. It’s also what I picture for the sole action sequence in this fic. 

Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars

You only know what I want you to I know everything you don't want me to Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine You think your dreams are the same as mine Oh I don't love you but I always will

Enemies and Lovers. Enemies and lovers. Need I say more?! This is SUCH a good song for that trope!

Silence by Marshmello (featuring Khalid) 

I found peace in your violence Can't tell me there's no point in trying I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long I found peace in your violence Can't tell me there's no point in trying I'm at one, and I've been silent for too long

Circling back around to themes of letting go and holding on. This kind of starts the happy ending bit of this work (YES I SWEAR THERE’S A HAPPY ENDING). 

This Year’s Love by David Gray

This year's love had better last 'Cause who's to worry if our hearts get torn When that hurt gets thrown Don't ya know this life goes on? Won't ya kiss me on that midnight street? Sweep me off my feet Singing, "ain't this life so sweet?"

HAPPY ENDING. A bittersweet but ultimately hopeful one <3 

Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtney

Do you walk in the valley of kings? Do you walk in the shadow of men Who sold their lives to a dream? Do you ponder the manner of things In the dark? The dark, the dark, the dark I am flesh and I am bone Arise, ting ting, like glitter and gold I've got fire in my soul Rise up, ting ting, like glitter

This is for the epilogue. It’s called the Dread Wolf Cub Rises and I refuse to give any other details. 

BONUS

Problem by Natalia Kills 

I'm your dream girl This is real love But you know what they say about me... That girl is a problem Girl is a problem Girl is a problem problem

Bea Cadash shows up a lot in this fic with her background sweet angel boyfriend Cole. There’s been a couple times where I need to write Bea and this is just the perfect song to capture her goddamn attitude. 

Anyway! Happy egg hunting!

[clumsyclifford]

dearly depressed and brokenhearted (i’d like to let you know that boys cry too)

it’s been a hot sec since i’ve properly posted a fic on tumblr but whatever i have the time and this one isn’t too long

anyway shoutout to @httpsgfg for the idea for the so much therapy playlist, which i somehow got through the entire three and a half hours of whilst writing/posting this. also shoutout to @rotten-candie for helping me pick a title & summary

to be perfectly clear: this is a gen fic. it is centered on a friendship. i’m not in charge of you and if you’re so inclined to read it as pre-slash then i can’t stop you, but if it’s all the same to you, it’s a friendship fic to me

tw i guess for angst, possibly hints at depression, crying, etc there are better tags on ao3 if you need them

title from how do you feel? by the maine

read here on ao3

-

It’s Saturday, or maybe Monday. Luke has stopped keeping track.

Rain is coming down, slowly but surely. Going outside is sure to end in getting soaked to the bone, probably shivering. Especially if Luke doesn’t bring a jacket.

He goes anyway.

The chill in the air wraps around him like clingfilm, settling under his skin. For a moment outside it would be bearable, but Luke plans to be outside a bit longer than that. He’s going to be cold. He is probably going to lose feeling in his fingers. It would be best to go back inside. Grab some gloves. Maybe a warm coat. Drizzling rain follows the wind and sprays in his face. Luke takes the front steps, one, two, onto the damp grass, which gives under his footsteps. Another. Another. Water soaks through the front of his shoes; his socks are going to get wet and soon he’ll lose feeling in his toes as well. 

He’s not trying to go numb or anything. Maybe he’s a bit of a masochist, but who isn’t? It’s not like the cold is going to give him permanent damage. He’ll go back inside when he can’t handle it anymore, but he has time before he reaches his threshold. Outside is the only place Luke can possibly fathom being right now. Everywhere else is wrong. Too bright or too loud or somehow otherwise just wrong.

Here, in the elements, his hoodie barely protects his face from the biting wind. Sleeves over his hands only do so much, even if he curls the ends of them into his palms. Jeans are not the right trousers to wear when it’s below freezing. The rain is only making it all worse.

Luke keeps walking.

He keeps his head down, watching his feet as they carry him forward, one in front of the other with no clear destination except away. Away will eventually circle around and lead him home again — he’s not trying to permanently escape. Something about the rain feels like a reset button, and that might be exactly what Luke needs. 

The thing is, this walk is supposed to be clearing Luke’s head, not weighing it down. Not weighing him down. Nothing is really wrong. If Luke tries to parse through his day, or the last couple of hours, he could probably single out a couple of things that might be to blame — calling home always makes him a little more fragile; call ended digs into his chest every time in a way that feels tragically, unjustifiably final — but he’s tired of having a reason for feeling heavy. Sometimes life is just hard. That’s the issue with the question what’s wrong, Luke thinks, blinking at the lights reflecting off the glistening road. Often, nothing is wrong. Does something have to be wrong for me to feel bad? he wants to say, except nobody has even asked him, and this entire conversation is happening inside his head.

Even in his head he’s creating problems where there aren’t any. Awesome.

A chill has taken up permanent residence in Luke’s body. He curls inward, trying to pretend like the wind isn’t blowing around him, like the rain isn’t stinging his face and the exposed strip of his ankles that his jeans and socks don’t quite meet to cover. It’s starting to come down harder; Luke’s hoodie is sticking to his shoulders and back and he might as well be wearing nothing at all for all the protection it’s providing him from the cold. He knows that this is the wrong thing to wear in this weather, but that had kind of been the point. It feels right to be doing something wrong on purpose. It certainly feels better than doing it wrong by accident. Or by virtue of it being beyond his control.

He’d expected to be cold, and he is. A sick sort of comfort arises from having predicted that cause-and-effect.

Luke’s mental clock is rubbish, and though his phone is in his pocket he can’t take it out and check it or it’ll get wet, so he has no idea how long he’s been out when it rings. Buzzes. Luke sighs. He digs his phone out of his pocket, cradling it to his chest to keep it out of the rain, and answers the call. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

Luke waits for Michael to say anything. Eventually: “Where are you?”

“Outside,” Luke says. He looks around. “About five minutes away.”

“Away? Where did you go?”

“I didn’t — I was just walking.”

“Oh.” Michael pauses, and Luke knows what he’s going to say before he says it. “In the rain?”

“Is it raining?”

“...Yes?”

“Then yes, in the rain.”

“Okay. Well. Um, are you going to be back soon?”

Luke sighs again. “I don’t know, maybe.”

“Are you, uh…” There’s a moment of silence. Luke glances around himself, turning his back to the wind. The constant motion of his walk had been the only thing keeping him from becoming a glacier of a man, and now he’s lost that.

“Don’t worry about me, Mike,” Luke says. “I won’t be out too long. Promise.” He can’t, or he’ll get hypothermia or frostbite or something.

“Okay,” Michael says. Luke can tell he’s struggling not to ask if Luke is okay, and it makes Luke feel inexplicably affected. That Michael wants to ask, but knows Luke well enough to know that Luke won’t want him to. 

“I’m okay,” he says as a compromise. It’s not really true, but it’s what he would have said if Michael had asked him anyway.

“Okay,” Michael says again, more quietly. “Love you.”

“Love you.”

There’s a long silence. Then Michael hangs up.

The hand holding Luke’s phone slowly lowers, shoving it back into his pocket. Luke stares down at the ground. He blinks back tears, but they come faster than he’s able to stop them. There’s no mistaking tears for rain, actually, not in this weather, because these tears are hot and salty when they slide down his cheeks and into the corners of his mouth. The incongruity of warm tears on his freezing cold face almost makes him laugh, except when he opens his mouth to laugh what comes out instead is an unsolicited sob.

Shit. Fuck. He hadn’t meant to cry. He really hadn’t wanted to cry. He’s not going to become a blubbering mess in the middle of the road at midnight. Being sad is acceptable when nothing’s wrong, but crying when nothing’s wrong is crossing a fucking line. 

Why, why is it that hanging up the phone just stabs him in the heart? What the fuck is his problem?

One minute, he tells himself, crouching down because the smaller he is, the warmer he’ll be; one minute of crying and then you’re going to stop crying, because there’s nothing to cry about. One minute.

And for one minute he cries.

After one minute, he’s mostly out of tears anyway. Sniffling, he wipes under his eyes with his damp sleeve. That’s enough, he thinks firmly, sniffling again. Enough. It’s enough.

Before he stands up, he closes his eyes and takes a deep, deep breath. It doesn’t alleviate the weight on his chest, the weight of nothing being wrong, but blocking his vision allows him to tune into his other senses. It’s freezing cold and he shivers, listening to the rain softly hitting the pavement. This isn’t a panic attack, but Luke always finds it helpful to zero in on his senses. Quiet rain like static in his ears, the denim of his jeans creased behind his knees in his crouch, lingering salt on his tongue from the last of the tears, tight skin on his cheeks, his shaky inhales and exhales as he fights for a steady breathing pattern.

He’s okay.

Five minutes from home. Luke straightens up, hugging his arms around himself. His fingers and toes have all but frosted over by now. The world is awash in pale yellow and ashy grey, punctuated with almost-black in dark, unlit corners. On either side of him, familiar houses urge Luke onward, promising one more familiar than the rest if he just keeps walking.

So he does.

Five minutes feels very long, though Luke’s sense of time is, of course, warped beyond recognition, and for all he knows it’s ten minutes before he sees their house. Or two. 

Luke stands at the curb before the walkway. It’s freezing cold. He should go inside and warm up. He should make a cup of tea. He should take a hot shower.

Through the window it’s bright, though, so bright, far too bright for the gloomy mood still clamping down on Luke’s shoulders. Even if he went through the living room and shut himself in his room with the lights off, it wouldn’t be the same. The mood is uninterrupted and he doesn’t want to break it with anything.

As Luke stands there, shivering and indecisive, the front door opens.

“Luke?”

“Hi,” Luke says again, like he did on the phone. 

“It’s below freezing,” Michael says. “Are you coming in?”

“No.” He’s not. He can’t. Not yet, anyway. Maybe in five minutes. He can go five more minutes before frostbite becomes a real possibility.

“It’s cold, you’ll freeze,” says Michael.

“It’s not that cold.”

“And it’s raining. Cold and raining.”

“I’m not really cold,” Luke lies. “I’m okay. I’ll just be a few minutes.”

Michael stands on the stoop, watching him. From this distance it’s hard to see his expression, but Luke can pretty much guess it’s a mixture of disapproval and concern. Michael has perfected it.

“Be right back,” he finally says, then slips back inside, leaving the door slightly ajar, before Luke can tell him he really doesn’t need to come back. Luke waits, though he contemplates just leaving for another walk. He’s not a dick. Although if Michael returns with Ashton or Calum, Luke will probably be annoyed. He’s not a child and he doesn’t need mothering, which Ashton is sure to do, nor is he in the mood to be cheered up, so Calum won’t be any help either.

Michael returns. He’s wearing a jacket and a beanie and there’s a blanket from off their couch in his hands.

“Michael,” Luke says. 

“Please,” Michael says. “I’m obviously not going to convince you to come inside, but I don’t want you to freeze.” He takes the steps, footsteps falling where Luke’s had, and comes close enough to Luke that when he offers up the blanket, Luke reaches out and takes it. “I know you don’t wear jackets,” Michael explains.

It feels like cheating. The masochistic walk should be all-or-nothing. But Luke can’t bring himself to refuse it. It’s not about the blanket, is the thing, really; it’s not about being warm. It’s about the gesture, about accepting the love and concern of a friend when Luke obviously needs it.

The blanket unfolds in his hands and he wraps it around himself. Some of the chill subsides. A new warmth blooms cautiously from within, starting in his sternum and spreading outward. It moves slowly and with difficulty, thawing the ice that’s formed inside Luke’s chest from all of his internal insistence that being cold had been the solution, but it doesn’t back down.

“Can I stay?” Michael asks. “You can say no.”

“Stay for what?” Luke glances around. “I’m not doing anything.”

“Yeah, I know. I just. Thought you might want to do nothing but…with a friend.”

Luke considers saying no. Michael would shrug, eyebrows drawing together in more concern, probably. Okay, he would say. Come inside soon. He would probably shift on his feet, trying to determine whether or not it would be okay to hug Luke, and ultimately decide against it. The door would close behind him and Luke would have the big, empty, glacial outdoors to himself. That had been the goal, when he’d left. To be alone. To have all the room in the world, with the hopes that attempting to fill it would spread his sadness too thin to hold weight. Except that hadn’t really worked. He’d just grown dense, stodgy instead of risen. The rain must have iced his sadness in. 

“Would you?” Luke says quietly, swallowing.

Michael nods. He does a very good job pretending like he hadn’t desperately wanted Luke to say yes, although Luke knows he had. “Are you still walking?”

“I think I was going to sit,” Luke says, glancing down at the curb. “You don’t have to.”

“I don’t mind,” Michael says, and Luke really believes that. Luke takes a seat on the curb, even though the frozen rain seeps through his jeans, and Michael sits shoulder-to-shoulder beside him. They both stare out across the street. 

After a moment, Michael speaks quietly out into the air. “What — uh — I don’t really know what question to ask. Or if I shouldn’t ask anything.”

“Just as long as you don’t ask what’s wrong,” Luke says wearily. “I’m sick of what’s wrong.”

“Fair enough,” Michael says. There’s a beat of silence. “What are we doing out here?”

“You’re keeping me company.”

“And you’re…?”

Luke shrugs, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. It’s still raining and even the blanket is going to be soaked through soon. Luke’s hands are inside his sleeves, which are inside the blanket, but they’re still numb. “Wallowing.”

He really is wallowing, the most self-indulgent kind of sadness. Hardest to let go of, easiest to drown in. 

“Oh,” Michael says, a soft edge in his voice. “That makes sense.”

“It does?”

“I don’t know, yes?” Michael reaches out with his converse, tapping the side against Luke’s calf. “You’re a wallowing kind of guy. Sometimes that’s what you need.”

For the second time tonight, Luke feels abruptly like he might cry, but this time he doesn’t. “Uh. Thanks. I think?”

“I can wallow with you,” Michael says simply. 

“Aren’t you cold?”

“Yeah. Aren’t you?”

A small smile tugs at the corners of Luke’s lips. “Yeah,” he admits.

“Yeah,” Michael says, like he’s just made a point. “But you shouldn’t wallow alone. You should at least have company.”

Luke takes a deep breath. He pulls his hood further over his head and glances over at Michael, who’s just watching his own feet with interest. 

“Okay,” Luke allows, chewing the inside of his cheek. “Just a couple more minutes. Then we can go inside.” He wonders if this had been Michael’s ploy, to guilt Luke back indoors by offering to freeze for him. But he’s pretty sure it isn’t a trick. Michael isn’t manipulative. He’s just loyal.

“Whatever you want,” Michael says, kicking carelessly at a loose piece of asphalt.

Luke hesitates, lingering in the bubble of silence between them that almost seems to mute the rest of the world. Michael looks over at him finally. When he meets Luke’s eyes, he quirks a transient smile. The warmth defrosting Luke’s insides grows hotter.

Luke leans his head on Michael’s shoulder, and Michael only shifts to accommodate him. “You can wallow with me. We can wallow together. If you want to. If you don’t mind.”

Michael tilts his head against Luke’s and hooks his foot around Luke’s ankle. “Yeah. Wallowing together. I can do that.”

It’s bitterly cold, and the icy rain and wind are doing them no favours. But when Luke closes his eyes this time, the only sensation that seems to matter is Michael’s shoulder solid under Luke’s weight, and he doesn’t feel quite so heavy anymore.

[wastelandcth]

with the bears - cth

summary: calum takes dovey camping, let’s just say they both aren’t the most outdoorsy people. 

anon requested:  hi gemma i recently discovered your blog and youve become one of my fave writers ever!!! i was wondering if you can do a little camping imagine with cal thats pretty secluded but it’s all cute :-)

author’s notes: thank you so much for requesting and thank you for your lovely words! i hope you enjoyed a different side to the doves’ relationship and their adventures in camping! 

warnings: gemma has never been camping, fluff, mentions of bears

masterlist || request

Calum had come up with the idea of going camping, taking advantage of the cooler weather that October and November brought into California. At first, Dovey had been hesitant, since the idea of sleeping in a sleeping bag on the cold floor in the middle of the floor seemed like a plot for Calum to finally murder her, even if they had been dating for over three years now. But now, here she was, at the crack of dawn pushing her bag into the boot of Calum's car while he warmed up the car in the dark morning dew. Calum had insisted that they leave in the early morning to try and skip some of the traffic California was known for, which Dovey knew was impossible since they were traveling during the morning rush hour no matter where they were on the highway by the time people woke up and made their way to work. With a cup of coffee in one hand and her trusty blanket in the other, Dovey sat down in the passenger seat watching the cloudy November sky, still shining with the few stars that the light pollution never seemed to scare away. 

They were on the highway a few minutes later, Calum's stereo blasting a mix of pop songs and party songs that Dovey swore would wake them up more than coffee ever could. It would be a few hours before they arrived at the campsite, somewhere off in the mountains and far away from civilizations, where Calum swore they'd be alone for miles on end and able to relax and be with just each other. Dovey, who had watched Calum pack his car the night before, hadn't mentioned that a tent and sleeping bag were missing, mostly because she was still half asleep but also because Calum had insisted they had everything they needed. The sun rose behind the ocean, the sky filling with pinks and blues that left Dovey in silence as she watched the views that the Pacific Coast Highway had to offer them and before she even finished the playlist she had made for their trip, the car was pulling off the highway and into a dirt path that was labeled with a picture of a Redwood tree. 

Glamping, Calum hadn't said glamping. Dovey should've assumed really, Calum had never struck her as someone who could survive in the forest with a few bags of chips and a case of drinks he'd bought at Costco a few days prior. Dovey had expected a tent and trying to survive a cold night in the forest, but she was grateful that Calum knew they'd both freeze and instead went with a camping experience they'd both live through. Getting out of the car and making the short hike up to their secluded tent made her lungs burn, the chilly morning air and the steep climb up the hill waking her up more than the coffee and songs on the drive there. 

The tent had a front porch, a large canopy above it to protect them from any rain or falling branches, lined with two patio chairs and a fire pit in the center for roasting marshmallows. The tent itself was cozy and had a bed that was big enough to fit Dovey and Calum and maybe even a giant bear if one had the chance to make it in which Dovey thought would make a funny story even if Calum had only laughed and thrown a pillow when she had mentioned it to him. The birds had been singing when they'd finally settled into their tent, both of them laying in bed and looking through their mesh skylight and took in the fresh air the forest had to offer. 

Their first day was spent exploring their campsite with Calum making sure that there were no bears anywhere near them or their tent at all times. They'd gone to one of the hiking trails, both Dovey and Calum in shock at the size of the Redwood trees as they walked side by side in comfortable silence. Dovey had been surprised that they hadn't gotten lost, letting out a breath she hadn't know she was holding in when she saw their tent in the distance later that night. When the sun had set and the stars rose in the night sky, Dovey found herself in Calum's arms on one of the patio chairs, both of them tangled up in one of the many duvets Dovey had insisted on bringing to keep them safe from the cold. 

"Do you think the bears only come at night? It would make sense, they only come when we least expect them, you never know Calum." Dovey had whispered as she watched the flames dancing in the fire pit. 

"I really wish you would let the whole bear thing go, they can sense when someone is talking about them, don't you know? I learned that in a documentary." Calum teased, his hands squeezing Dovey's hips as he looked up at the stars, a soft sigh leaving his lips. 

Dovey laughed, her head resting back on his chest as she relaxed in her lover's arms. Away from civilization and in the comfort of a tent with plumbing and a way to keep bears out, she felt content, felt safe with Calum holding her in his arms. They'd been distant for a while, both of them caught up in life and work, the trip away from the city very needed by both of them. It was also just a nice way to be together, away from the lights and cameras which seemed to follow Calum more nowadays. 

"What're you thinking about, pretty?" Calum mumbled into her ear, his voice laced with sleep and something Dovey couldn't name. 

"I'm just very happy here with you. I'm glad we did this, glad I'm here with you." Dovey had said after a while, her gaze moving up to meet Calum's who had already had his eyes on her. 

"Yeah? Me too. I'm always happy when I'm around you, Dovey. I'm so grateful that I can make you as happy as you made me. Thank you for coming here with me." he whispered and placed a soft kiss on the tip of her nose. 

"And the bears?"

"And I'm thankful for the bears being here too." 

[morningfears]

Marry Me

Rating: PG

Summary: “10, 12, and 13 with calum, maybe? like. maybe he proposes to you on the way to your parents house for christmas?” “I’ve been practicing this for weeks but now that I’m looking at you, I can barely remember my own name.” | “Marry me.” | “What did you say?”

Word Count: 1.7k

“Okay, I think that’s everything. Duke is with Mali, all the lights in the house are off, the gifts are in the trunk, the trash has been taken out - oh! Did we grab the cards off the counter?”

Calum stifles a laugh as he watches you rifle through your bag to find the set of holiday cards you’d had printed earlier. They’re cheesy, complete with the pair of you and Duke all in matching tacky sweaters, but they make Calum grin every time he spots them. They’re silly, something you’ll look back on and laugh about later, but he loves them and he knows your family will love them, too. He knows that they’re something you’d always secretly wanted and that they make you incredibly happy so he’d been sure to pack those first.

“Right here, love,” he informs you with a smile as he reaches into his backpack and tugs the little white envelope stuffed with cards out of the front pocket.

You smile, relieved and grateful for his foresight, before you lean over and press a chaste kiss to his lips. “Thank you, babe,” you hum as you zip your own bag back up and toss it into the backseat with your suitcase. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

It’s uttered offhandedly, a simple phrase meant to convey your gratitude as you settle into the passenger seat of his car, but your words weigh heavily on his chest as he rounds the vehicle and settles into the driver’s seat. He’s been thinking a lot lately, about what his life would have been like if you hadn’t entered it and what his future will be with you by his side, and he finds himself feeling more and more grateful to have you in his life. 

Before you, he’d suffered a terrible heartbreak that left him bitter and afraid. He stopped imagining futures in which he would live happily, growing old with a partner and children and a life full of laughter and joy. He stopped imagining love in the cards for himself. He didn’t believe it was possible, not after what had happened, but then he met you.

Your relationship started off slow, moving glacially as he worked through his own issues, and he’d been worried that you would leave him. It hadn’t worried him much at first, you wouldn’t have been the first person to leave, but the longer he spent with you, the harder he fell. As he glances over at you, settled into your seat with four years under your belt and a smile on your face as you scroll through the playlist he’d made for the drive, he can’t imagine a future without you in it and knows that he’s making the right decision as he thinks about the diamond ring sitting in the glove box.

He’d started thinking about it after Michael got engaged (in fact, talking about their engagement was the first time you mentioned marriage seriously and Calum was mildly surprised to learn that you really wanted to get married). He went ring shopping two months later and even borrowed one of your rings (one he knew you wouldn’t miss) to get it sized. He’d been worried that he wouldn’t be able to find the perfect one, you were always a tough person to buy jewelry for, but it only took two jewelry shops for him to find the ring that he knew you would love. Ashton had been with him and he’d helped him pluck up the courage to buy the ring and begin the mental preparation for when he’d actually propose.

Calum’s been waiting for the perfect moment. He’s practiced his speech a million times, memorized the words he wanted to share so desperately, but nothing ever feels right. There are too many people around or the mood isn’t right or one of you is busy. Nothing ever seems to go the way he wants it to but he grabbed the ring in hopes of proposing at some point during your holiday getaway. 

He’s been worrying about the logistics of proposing at home. Your family goes all out for the holidays with extended family visiting from all around to spend the day together. Your mother has taken on hosting duties for dinner so he knows that the pair of you won’t get any time alone until everyone goes to bed so he’s considering stopping somewhere along your three hour drive and popping the question in solitude.

And when he sees a sign advertising a waterfall, he decides that that’s the best option.

“Do you mind if we take a quick detour?” Calum asks as he watches for the exit.

“No, that’s fine,” you shrug as you glance at the exit signs, “what’re we detouring for?”

“There’s a waterfall. Thought it might be nice to see, get some calm before we see your entire family,” he teases gently as he makes his way to the exit.

“God, yeah,” you laugh as you watch the scenery change the closer you get to the waterfall, “it’s gonna be chaos. My brother and his wife are coming with all their kids. I love children but there are going to be so many of them in the house at one time.”

“Duke would love the attention,” Calum hums absentmindedly as he pulls into a corner of the little gravel parking lot. “He loves kids.”

“You’d think he wouldn’t, with him being so used to adults, but he’s just such a good boy,” you gush as you glance around the empty parking lot, “is this the part where you kill me instead of taking me to my parents’ for Christmas?”

“Shut up,” he laughs as he nudges your shoulder, “come on. If I wanted to kill you, I would’ve done it by now. And I wouldn’t have done it when I knew your mom was expecting you.” Calum grins at the look your face, playful exasperation as you roll your eyes, and gestures for you to climb out of the car. “I’m going to grab my camera,” he tells you as he shifts toward the backseat. “I’m right behind you if you want to walk ahead.”

“Okay,” you nod as you fix your gaze on a sign, full of information about the fall, “I’m gonna go read that thing. I think your camera’s in the blue bag. Or maybe the green one.”

“I’ll find it. Learn about this place so you can bug me with random facts on the walk,” he laughs as he begins shifting through the bags. He laughs a little louder when you flip him off, a sarcastic smile on your lips, before you giggle and head over to the sign. The second you turn your back, he reaches for the ring box and shoves it into his coat pocket before he climbs out of the car and jogs over to you.

“Where’s your camera?” you question as you reach for his hand and tug him along toward the trail. “Did we forget it?”

“I think it’s in the trunk with the gifts,” he shrugs as he squeezes your hand. “Doesn’t matter. We have phones. Seeing the actual view is what’s important, making memories and shit.”

“What a romantic,” you tease as you glance at him from beneath your lashes, “no wonder you’re a lyricist.”

The rest of your walk to the falls continues in silence. You’re taking in the beauty of the world around you and Calum is attempting to control the rapid beating of his heart. He’s desperately trying to keep his palms from sweating and his breathing steady but walking the trail feels like running a marathon as he thinks about what awaits him at the end. He doesn’t think you’ll deny him, he’s fairly certain you’ll say yes, but he’s still more nervous than he’s ever been.

When the fall is in view, beautiful and magical and neither of you are sure why this place isn’t more populated, Calum lets you drop his hand and rush forward. As you gaze at the water, an audible murmur of wonder falling from your lips, Calum settles onto one knee behind you and waits for you to turn.

It takes a second, Calum almost calls out your name, but before he can, you notice his lack of presence and turn to find him. When you do, he can see the surprise on your face. You’re frozen for a moment, sheer surprise evident as you had given up hope of getting married (he never seemed as into the idea as you), before you take a few shaky steps closer to him.

“Calum,” you breathe as you reach out to take the hand he offered you, “what are you doing?”

“I love you,” he tells you as he clasps your hand in his, “I love you so much. I’ve been working on what I should say and I’ve been practicing this for weeks but now that I’m looking at you, I can barely remember my own name. I never thought I would want to get married, I wasn’t sure I would ever find a love like ours, but I did and I’m so grateful. Having you in my life has meant so much and every day, you make me want to be a better man just so I can deserve you. So, will you marry me?”

Calum watches as you blink back tears, your voice inaudible as you nod your head. Calum knows that you’ve agreed, knows that you’re saying yes, but he can’t help ask, “What did you say?” with a smile on his lips.

“Yes,” you breathe, voice shaking, “of course I’ll marry you! I love you.”

“I love you,” Calum returns as he stands from his position and pulls you into a kiss. The ring fits perfectly, like it was made for you, and Calum laughs when gasp at it. “Do you like it?”

“It’s beautiful, thank you. I love it and I love you. Fuck, my mom is going to freak,” you laugh as you reach up to wipe your tears away.

“She’s going to freak if we don’t get there pretty soon. I’m so glad that you said yes,” he sighs before he pulls away and reaches for your hand. He brings your hand to his lips and presses a kiss to your knuckles before he repeats, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” you return as the pair of you head back toward the car.

You knew that Calum was it for you and he was just as sure. The pair of you would remember this Christmas for the rest of your lives and he can’t wait for every other Christmas to follow.

_______________________________________________________________________

Author’s Note: I know I’ve been writing for PRETTYMUCH lately but, like. I’m super into them at the moment. They’re super talented and Zion’s just so fucking cute. He reminds me of Cal a little, tbh. Also, Nick. Very cute. Anyway. Enjoy this soft Cal. I’m gonna write some more. This is weird. I’ve written more in three days than I have in six months, wow.