#i pray for poor kabuto's life

[orokabu-headcanons]

Cuddling

Orochimaru doesn’t know gentle. When his arms are around Kabuto he really wraps his arms around him and Kabuto is literally in a death grip like a giant snake has him in a bone crushing grip and he’s begging to be saved

Orochimaru doesn’t know the definition of cuddling 

[chenziee]

The (s)we(e)t taste of revenge

[Read on AO3 or below the cut]

This terrible idea wouldn’t leave me alone all week so now I’m subjecting you to it, too. Enjoy Usopp Suffering™ because LawLu and ZoSan think they’re oh so very subtle :)

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Usopp startled awake in his bunk at the loud bang that came from somewhere a bit too close for comfort. At first, he thought there was an attack, a navy or pirate raid, or maybe even seakings. He was already half-way out of bed with Kabuto in hand when he noticed the badly muffled moans that followed.

Of course.

Of fucking course. No pun intended.

Usopp let go of his weapon and fell back in his bed, burying his head in the soft pillow and praying for patience not to murder the love sick assholes who never paid absolutely any regard to anyone or anything around—mostly the poor people like Usopp who always had to suffer through their… escapades. And Usopp was getting really fucking tired of it. Why couldn’t all couples be like Franky and Robin, who had the basic human decency to keep their private time private? It’s always Toraooo this and Straw Hat-ya that or ‘bleed out for all I care, Mr Nosebleed’ and ‘awww don’t be so jealous, Marimo’ followed by make outs and cuddling and flirting and sex.

When another, louder moan came, Usopp groaned quietly, cursing Brook’s snoring which only managed to irk him more. Of course the skeleton could sleep though this without issue and had to rub the fact in his face. He really was alone in this hell, wasn’t he?

Turing around, he tried to cover his ears with his pillow. It didn’t help. Did he have any earplugs? Franky definitely had some. But could he get them without alerting those two to him being awake? Because that would be awkward.

...Actually, why should he care? Rude awakenings asked for rude solutions.

Mind made up, he glared at Luffy’s bunk above him. He took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself before he delivered a swift, not so gentle kick to the bottom of it.

Immediately, Luffy cried out in protest, “What the hell, Usopp?!”

Usopp frowned, giving Luffy a dirty look when his head popped out from above. Then he sighed again. No point getting annoyed at Luffy of all people. “Torao, I know you’re up there,” he said flatly instead.

At his words, Luffy’s expression turned to surprised, then embarrassed, until settling on defensive. It took him a moment but then he finally replied, “Torao’s not here.”

Usopp rolled his eyes. When would Luffy learn that he really, really couldn’t lie? Plus these were bunk beds. Ship bunk beds. Really just wooden hammocks. Did this idiot of a captain honestly think a body materializing out of nowhere would not be felt by the person below?

Deciding to ignore Luffy, Usopp instead gave the upper bunk another kick, this time making sure he hit the side where Torao seemed to be. “Stop ignoring me, you ass.”

“What do you want,” Torao snapped finally, sounding as pissed off as Usopp had ever heard him.

“Do you mind?” Usopp said, suddenly so very tired.

There was a pause before Torao replied, a single ‘What?’ full of obvious confusion.

Usopp didn’t answer, simply stared at the bottom of Luffy’s bunk with a blank expression, hoping Torao would telepathically understand how very unimpressed Usopp was in that moment.

The silence hung over the room only for a moment.

“Mm, cook.”

“Z-Zoro, fuck, ahh…”

A beat passed.

“Oh fuck no,” Torao growled, now just as annoyed as Usopp himself was; maybe even more so. “Room. Shambles.” Okay, yeah, there clearly was some disgust in that tone.

Which Usopp guessed made sense, considering the horror that had spread on Torao’s face when Zoro had asked the captain couple about their sex life—god knows what compelled him to do so—and the obvioius relief that replaced it when Luffy had asked what sex was. When Zoro laughed and went to explain, Torao cut him off and said it was something boring that Luffy didn’t want to know more about and that was the end of it. Only the next morning, Zoro had woken up without his dick.

It was a weird exchange with an even weirder—if funny for those who were not Zoro—result and no one had dared to breach the topic ever again.

But well, it wasn’t like Usopp was complaining about Torao’s and Luffy’s refusal to even think about sex. Them rubbing how happy they were in Usopp’s face was bad enough. Every time he found them sleeping on the deck together using Bepo as a pillow, every time he heard Luffy call Torao’s name before jumping on his back, every time he saw them hold hands as they flirted all cutely, and every goddamned time Torao used his power to quietly teleport himself into Luffy’s bed... it made Usopp’s heart ache.

He knew his place was right here. He belonged on the Thousand Sunny, under the Jolly Roger proudly donning its straw hat, chasing his dream of becoming a brave warrior of the sea. He knew he didn’t make a mistake leaving but that didn’t stop him from wishing Kaya was there.

He missed her; he missed her so much it was almost unbearable and despite being able to pretend it was alright most of the time, watching Torao melt with every smile Luffy threw his way really wasn’t helping.

Yet, it was still better than what Zoro and Sanji kept subjecting him to, and if he were to choose one thing Torao was good to have around for, it was this.

Every time Zoro and Sanji would start fighting, Torao would dump some water on them before it could turn too heated. He would move them out of his way and to the other side of the ship whenever walking in on them making out in the kitchen, and Usopp had to say the enraged, embarrassed screams were so worth waiting for Torao to be the fist one to walk in during meal time, just to be safe.

“What just happened? Were Zoro and Sanji fighting again? What did you do?” Luffy disappeared from Usopp's view as he turned back to Torao, firing one frantic question after the other at him.

Bless his innocent little heart. Sometimes, Usopp wished he, too, had no idea what those two were doing on the literal other side of the wall. How very discreet of them, Usopp thought, even his inner voice dripping in sarcasm.

“Don’t worry about it,” Torao said and, judging by Luffy’s surprised yelp and the swaying of the bunk bed, he pulled Luffy back down to him so they could snuggle.

Usopp really hated them sometimes.

But it wasn’t like he was in any place to get all bitter right now, so he simply rolled his eyes, trying not to let any other feelings except gratefulness show in his voice when he thanked Torao.

Before the man could reply, the door to the boys’ room burst open. When Usopp turned to look, he wasn’t surprised to see Sanji standing there, pure anger in his eyes, hair and clothes a complete mess. What was strange, however, was that he was dripping wet. Head to toe. Like he just took a swim in the ocean.

“I’ll fucking get you for this,” he hissed, stomping over to his locker to change his wet clothes.

Torao huffed, shooting back, “I’d love to see you try.” There was a smirk even audible in his voice.

“Why are you so wet?” Luffy asked then, and Usopp had to stifle a laugh at how oblivious he could be.

“Because someone thought it was a great idea to dump me in the goddamned aquarium,” Sanji snapped.

Usopp couldn’t help it. He couldn’t stop the laughter from bursting out and he didn’t even care if Sanji and Zoro would be out for his blood now, too. It was too funny, too amazing, and so much better than what he had hoped for.

“You’ll both learn not to piss off a cook, you assholes,” Sanji growled in response.

And Usopp… Usopp only laughed harder.